{"id":305891,"date":"2020-03-31T07:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-03-31T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/marital-communication-that-works\/"},"modified":"2020-03-31T07:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-03-31T11:00:05","slug":"marital-communication-that-works","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marital-communication-that-works\/","title":{"rendered":"Marital Communication That Works"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Rob and Gina Flood realized early on that communication wasn&#8217;t about winning or losing, but about building up or tearing down. Together they share five communication tools that helped transform their marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-31-r.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:49","filesize":"39.57M","filesize_raw":"41496816","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2902,2862],"tags":[4299],"podcast_series":[8347],"cwp_profile":[9593],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305891","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-resolving-conflict","category-understanding-differences","tag-faith","podcast_series-with-these-words","cwp_profile-rob-and-gina-flood","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305891\/marital-communication-that-works","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305891\/marital-communication-that-works","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"0JCBIpTy1q\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marital-communication-that-works\/\">Marital Communication That Works<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marital-communication-that-works\/embed\/#?secret=0JCBIpTy1q\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Marital Communication That Works&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"0JCBIpTy1q\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Rob and Gina Flood realized early on that communication wasn't about winning or losing, but about building up or tearing down. Together they share five communication tools that helped transform their marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-31rT.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Maybe you\u2019ve heard the proverb that says: \u201cA gentle answer turns away\u201d\u2014what?\u2014\u201cwrath\u201d; right? Rob Flood says that\u2019s <em>really<\/em> true in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> The direction of a conversation doesn\u2019t typically belong to the person who starts it, but it belongs to the person who <em>responds<\/em> to it. I can say something in a harsh way, at a bad time, using the wrong words to Gina. If she responds\u2014knowing I\u2019m for her, even though I just totally messed it up\u2014and her response is gentle or her response is [as] though I said it\u2014not in the tone that I used\u2014we\u2019re not going to be in a conflict. It\u2019s really <em>hard<\/em> to get in an argument with someone who won\u2019t <em>fight<\/em> with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, March 31<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. We know that a soft answer can turn away anger or wrath. How can we get better at delivering soft answers? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today with Rob and Gina Flood. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Don\u2019t you think it would have been helpful, when you guys first got married,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I don\u2019t even know what you\u2019re going to ask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; me, too. Yes, yes\u2014the answer\u2019s, \u201cYes.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Any help for our marriage would have been helpful.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in the first year-and-a-half, if there had been communication coaches\u2014who came in and watched you do it\u2014and then said: \u201cTime out! Come over here. Huddle up,\u201d and helped call a few plays? Wouldn\u2019t that have been helpful?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; they would\u2019ve watched us for five minutes and said, \u201cJust because you think it, doesn\u2019t mean you have to say it.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m saying that for my wife. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Actually, there\u2019s a lot of truth in that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>No, that was for both of us. We said some things in year one\u2014talk about the power of words\u2014that we\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> forgotten, forty years later. You\u2019ve got to be very careful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve forgiven, and you\u2019ve reconciled, and you understand: \u201cWe were young,\u201d \u201cWe were immature\u201d; but those words don\u2019t go away; do they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember thinking, after a fight, \u201cDoes he really feel all of that about me?\u201d; because we\u2019d throw out words as ammunition, as shrapnel, as weapons. What happens is\u2014we\u2019re just beat up. Later, we think: \u201cWow! Does he hate me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina:<\/strong> What do we think is actually going to happen when we say those words? Do we think that our spouse is going to turn around and say, \u201cYou\u2019re right. I\u2019m so sorry.\u201d That never happens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thank you for sharing that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If only somebody would write a book on this. We need help.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob: We have got a couple of communication coaches joining us Rob and Gina Flood are with us. Welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Thank you very much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Rob and Gina were part of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> back in the first part of the 21<sup>st<\/sup> century. You joined here in 2001 and were here until 2006; is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u20142006 here; we finished up our time, 2007.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve got a question for you. You sort of worked for Bob in content?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes, I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> How was that? Let\u2019s be really honest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I\u2019ll tell you how it was. It was fantastic. Bob was the kind of manager who would give you a nine month project, be really clear, and not check on you for nine months. But on nine months you better be ready. I loved that kind of freedom. I loved that kind of empowerment. I think it got the best out of me when I was here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Rob did great work; he was a writer on our digital team. In fact, wrote an article, back then, that has been shared by a lot of folks; and it\u2019s \u201cThe Five Communication Tools That Saved Our Marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s now at the heart of the book you\u2019ve written, which is called <em>With These Words<\/em>, where you take these five communication tools. You\u2019ve already shared with us this week that your first year-and-a-half\u2014your communication was not very good. Did you get coaching or did you get on the job training that led you to get better? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> We did not get coaching. It was on the job training that came through a few venues that did not coordinate with one another. A pastor and his wife who are to this day very careful with their words. It was their example. It was reading Paul Tripp\u2019s <em>War of Words<\/em> that educated me on what happened on the last 18 months. It was the combination of those things and then just going to work together. Having the faith that God was in this to go and make mistakes together realizing we are putting back together something that our own hands have torn apart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did you start acknowledging to one another, \u201cWe\u2019ve got work to do in this area\u201d? Were you allowing one another the freedom to correct when you were making mistakes? Because you don\u2019t just flip a switch and go, \u201cWe used to have bad communication; now we have good communication.\u201d You\u2019ve got patterns and habits that have been developed over years; they keep showing up\u2014you say something and you go, \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have said that.\u201d Were you at a point in your marriage, where you could say, \u201cSweetheart, we\u2019ve agreed; that\u2019s not how we want to talk to one another.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina:<\/strong> In the beginning, it was saying words that were hurtful; but then repenting, and coming back and asking for forgiveness after we had repented, and then having that conversation again. Or laying that conversation aside because that area was just too tender: \u201cLet\u2019s lay that aside for a day or two, and we\u2019ll come back at it again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, over time, as we <em>learned<\/em> one another\u2014because we didn\u2019t really care to <em>learn<\/em> one another\u2014we didn\u2019t really take the time to learn: \u201cWhat is the best way I can say something to Rob, where he\u2019s going to receive it?\u201d \u201cWhen should I be quiet?\u201d Like you were saying, \u201cJust because I think it doesn\u2019t mean I should say it.\u201d It\u2019s a long\u2014it\u2019s a dance; it\u2019s like a dance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were making the mistakes, but now there was grace instead of being isolation; is that right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes; what we realized, really early on, in this restoration process was that our communication <em>could not be<\/em> about winning and losing; because that would always divide, because one of us wins and one of us loses. We realized our communication was either building something together or tearing something down. When there was a mistake that was made or a harsh word that was spoken, how I respond to that will determine whether something gets built up or torn down right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe learned, early on, that we can\u2019t have a perfect accounting for every word; but we needed a bigger vision of what we were building; that allowed an offensive word to fall to the ground, and we didn\u2019t have to respond to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve always said\u2014it\u2019s in your book as well\u2014\u201cWhen you\u2019re trying to resolve a conflict or communicate in a marriage\u2014or in any case: with your kids\/in a business setting\u2014it\u2019s about two things. One is skills.\u201d Obviously, we\u2019re going to talk about some of the things you say in your book about skills of learning how to communicate: timing and that kind of thing. \u201cAnother big part, which is <em>huge<\/em>\u201d\u2014that you just hit on\u2014\u201cis attitude\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201can attitude that says: \u2018I care for her,\u2019 \u2018I care for him,\u2019 \u2018So I\u2019m going to be very careful how I speak to them, because the <em>attitude<\/em> is the foundation of the skill\u2019\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTalk about that; because you went from an attitude, early in your marriage, where words were like weapons; and now you\u2019re talking like you got really careful with the skills of communication; but it was all based in an attitude. Talk about the attitude. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> It goes to that shovel and rake when we realized\u2014in the months leading up to the second <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and then at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u2014that we are part of building something bigger than us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf it was all about me, in that moment, winning or losing, I may win the next 40 conflicts, and we\u2019d be worse off at the end. We had to join together, realizing we\u2019re going to have different ways of building this; but we\u2019re a part of something. That was a major message that got through to us\u2014the legacy message\u2014not just: \u201cWhat are we building now?\u201d but \u201cWhat are we building for the future?\u2014for our kids and our grandkids.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt that point, every conflict we had was not high stakes. Because if it was, we\u2019d have to put all of our ammunition in it; because we have to win. But if we realize: \u201cWe\u2019re going to have conversations for the rest of our lives together. Some of them are going to go great, and some of them aren\u2019t. Some of them are going to feel like I lost; some of them are going to feel like I won. But the right paradigm is: \u2018What are we building together?\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019ve tried to capture is that there are actually ways\/skills that we can incorporate in marriage that help us build. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s how I talk about it at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. If you\u2019ve got an issue in your marriage you need to put the issue on the table and the two of you together need to say, that\u2019s the issue. You\u2019re not the issue. I\u2019m not the issue. That\u2019s the issue. So, let\u2019s together figure out, we have an issue. Now, let\u2019s talk about how we fix this issue. We may have different perspectives. Rather than making the other person the issue we make the issue the issue and we can now go after that together. Now, we can say we ought to do this. No, I think we ought to do that. Rather than saying, you\u2019re stupid for thinking that. Now, it made you the issue. That\u2019s a different perspective. So let me think about that. Together our goal is fix this issue. We are allies in that rather than being opponents in that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about the tools\/the five tools, because you put labels on these\/names on these that have been helpful. You\u2019ve come back to this, over and over again, in your own marriage. The first tool for effective communication is what you call the tool of \u201cFirst Response.\u201d Explain what that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> The principle behind this first tool is that the direction of a conversation doesn\u2019t typically belong to the person who starts it, but it belongs to the person who <em>responds<\/em> to it. In the book, I go through multiple examples of how Jesus really exemplifies this. People were trying to pick fights with Him, constantly, during His earthly ministry; but they never got what they wanted. They never got Him to go in a bad direction. His response steered it toward a redemptive direction, steered it toward a lesson, steered it toward a parable. Because the person that started that conversation was an enemy of Him\/they were against Him, that really frustrated them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s really quite the contrary if you\u2019ve got two people trying to build a marriage. I can say something in a harsh way, at a bad time, using the wrong words, to Gina. If she responds\u2014knowing I\u2019m for her, even though I just totally messed it up\u2014if she responds, knowing I\u2019m for her, and her response is gentle or her response is [as] though I said it\u2014not in the tone that I used\u2014we\u2019re not going to be in a conflict. It\u2019s really <em>hard<\/em> to get in an argument with someone who won\u2019t <em>fight<\/em> with you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you\u2019re saying the responder determines whether this escalates or de-escalates. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> That\u2019s absolutely right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The Bible says a \u201cgentle answer\u201d does what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cturns away wrath.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; so in a moment when a spouse\u2014in frustration, exasperated about something\u2014says, \u201cThis wouldn\u2019t be a problem if you didn\u2019t do\u2026\u201d\u2014whatever. What happens next determines whether this escalates or de-escalates.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> That\u2019s absolutely right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The power is in the hands of the responder; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would say what happens next is very much determined by what your spouse has been feeding their mind and heart with; in other words, when I\u2019m spending time with God\u2014when I\u2019m with Him, when I\u2019m asking God to give me eyes for Dave the way God has eyes for Dave\u2014then my response could be one of gentleness but if I haven\u2019t spent time with Him, and I\u2019ve been spending time with thoughts that are very unbiblical or like, \u201cDave is the problem, and this is the issue,\u201d\u2014then my response is going to be very much like: \u201cI\u2019m right on it, and I\u2019m jumping on him.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina:<\/strong> You\u2019ve been having that argument in your head for two hours before he even showed up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a great point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014maybe two weeks. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014maybe two years! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou even talk about how we should speak so that the other person encounters God. How do we do that?! What\u2019s that look like?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> The principle there is that God has given us words to minister grace. The rest of the principles talk about giving grace to those who hear, talking about not allowing any corrupting talk to come out of our mouths. When we speak to them, our goals in our words should be aligned with God\u2019s goals for them. When I\u2019m responding to Gina, it ought not be self-defensive; God\u2019s not interested in defending <em>me<\/em>. He\u2019s interested in glorifying Himself in that moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy response to Gina ought to be with the compassion and with the goals that God has for her. He wants her to grow in Christ\u2019s likeness. If my words are not aimed at helping her grow in Christ\u2019s likeness, I\u2019m actually out of sync with what God is doing in that moment. It\u2019s having a constant awareness of what God has commanded us to do\/how He\u2019s called us to love.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe truth is that we\u2019re actually pretty good at this outside of our house; right? [Laughter] We\u2019re all pretty good at responding. If your boss says something nasty to you, you\u2019re not responding back and escalating that; or you\u2019re not doing that for long, as an employee; right? We\u2019re good at measuring our responses. The problem is, when we walk in our front door, we take that gift off\/that skill off. We give ourselves license to <em>sin<\/em> against one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We do that all the time; it\u2019s: \u201cWhy can\u2019t I do that at home? When my wife offends me, I don\u2019t do it.\u201d The question: \u201cHow?!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> The most important\u2014and Ann hit on this earlier\u2014what happens in those moments is an overflow of how you have fed your soul up to that moment. We have to be aware that Christ Himself has been a first responder to us. If He had treated us according to our sins, we wouldn\u2019t have received grace, and compassion, and mercy, and forgiveness. We <em>wouldn\u2019t<\/em> know fellowship and restoration with God. We wouldn\u2019t know the power of the Holy Spirit living in our lives; we\u2019d be rejected. His response, rightfully, should have <em>destroyed<\/em> us; but He <em>chose<\/em> to respond in compassion. We are a recipient of the grace\/of the tool of First Response from the throne of God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we can live in the goodness of that\/in the truth of that, and allow that to function in how we relate to one another in marriage\u2014I\u2019ll never be asked to respond to Gina\u2019s wrath with more grace than God responded to my rebellion\u2014if we live in the goodness of that, if we feed our souls on what God has done <em>for us<\/em>, the responding is a natural fruit\u2014responding in this way\/in the redemptive kind way\u2014is a natural fruit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Obviously, when things are going smooth in life, that\u2019s easier to do. It\u2019s when things get busy, hectic, stressful\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014you have babies that haven\u2019t slept through the night\/you\u2019ve had no sleep, your life is stressed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>You lose something about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> In those times when you are stressed out\u2014and because you\u2019re stressed out\u2014it\u2019s a little easier to go toward the flesh than toward the Spirit. Is there a way to walk yourself back in those moments?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> There is. It may not be in the tool of First Response, because we\u2019ve already blown that; right? It may be in some of the other tools\/in the more <em>restorative<\/em> tools. This [First Response] would be more of a proactive tool\u2014where someone acts toward us in a way we wish they wouldn\u2019t\u2014now, we can say: \u201cWe don\u2019t have to go there. We can respond in a way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if we\u2019ve already blown through that guard rail, there are other things to keep you from going off the cliff. [Laughter] That\u2019s where some of the other tools come in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got the second tool\u2014the tool of Prayer; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. The tool of Prayer shows up a lot. It shows up in the tool of First Response, because you may need to pray before you say your next words. It shows up in the tool of Mirroring; because before you respond to what your spouse has said\u2014and you try to repeat back to them, \u201cAm I hearing you correctly?\u201d\u2014you\u2019re going to need prayer: prayerfully listening\/prayerfully thinking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, prayer is one that can show up in every tool.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Was that always easy for you guys to pray with one another?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gina:<\/strong> We did so much damage in that first year-and-a-half that it takes time for you to feel safe with your spouse again. Prayer is such a vulnerable thing. When you\u2019re praying with your spouse, you are vulnerable. If you have destroyed that, then praying together is going to be difficult; so maybe in the beginning, you\u2019re not praying together; you\u2019re praying individually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen maybe, as healing continues, you\u2019re praying individually and saying: \u201cI prayed for you. I prayed for the conversation we\u2019re going to have.\u201d It comes in baby steps, but God is patient with us. God\u2019s desire is for Him to be glorified in our marriage. It\u2019s not going to happen in a lightning bolt; He will allow it to happen over the course of time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> In reality, when we first started to be able to put our marriage back together, these were things we worked through together; we were both kind of on the job. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t want that to discourage somebody, who may be listening, where only the wife is trying to really grow in Christ; and the husband may be disinterested or vice versa. Communication in marriage can be quite like a dance, where you would dance better as a couple if you both went for lessons. If only one of you goes for lessons, you may not dance as well as if both of you went for lessons, but you\u2019re going to dance better than if <em>none<\/em> of you go for lessons.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese tools can help\u2014even if the other spouse is not interested in growing; or in that moment, is not interested in living for Jesus\u2014they can still help the marriage; they can help the spouse that is pressing towards Christ. Lord willing, when the other spouse has received grace, the effect of that will be a softening toward the Lord and conviction on how they haven\u2019t lived for Him in his words or in her words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know, as you talk about this tool of Prayer, I know that I have often\u2014I wish I could say just a few times\u2014but many times, I\u2019ve prayed to <em>win<\/em>. [Laughter] I\u2019ve taken this tool of Prayer and [spun] it toward me: \u201cGod, help me to win this argument,\u201d \u201cGod, help her to see my side,\u201d\u2014rather than\u2014\u201cGod, help me to hear her, to understand her, to be gentle and responsive.\u201d That\u2019s what you\u2019re talking about; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, it would be great if you could pray together; but even if you can\u2019t, I can pray. I can pray the <em>right<\/em> thing, which is: \u201cGod, I want\u2026\u201d Again, we\u2019re back to attitude: \u201cGod, I want this to end in reconciliation. God, help me forgive her rather than for her\u201d or \u201c\u2026him to see my way\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right. Now you said, \u201cHelp me to hear her.\u201d I think that\u2019s very, very important. I think what\u2019s equally important is: \u201cHelp me to hear You. You\u2019re doing something now, that if I don\u2019t get on board with that, it doesn\u2019t matter how I use these tools. I\u2019m going to be amiss; I\u2019m going to drift from where You want us to be. What are You wanting from me right now? What are You working on in Gina? What are You wanting in our marriage? So, Lord, help me hear Gina; but help me hear <em>You<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think the greatest lesson I learned, and probably has had the greatest impact on me, is taking my words to God first, and saying, \u201cGod, should I say anything?\u201d And then for me to listen and to say: \u201cFather, if I do say anything, what do You want me to say?\u201d and \u201cHow should I say it?\u201d That took so much self-control for me, because I wanted to say exactly what was on my mind. It took so much self-control to say: \u201cHoly Spirit, I need You first. I need self-control. I need to hear You, Father.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes I would wait, because we hear God in many different ways. It was a matter of waiting, and that\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>. But I think it\u2019s really important, because I really did use my words as weapons so often; and it hurt Dave\/it hurt our relationship. That\u2019s not an easy thing\u2014to go to God first in prayer\u2014but I think it\u2019s really important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I think for everybody listening to ask two questions. First of all to say: \u201cAm I a good responder? Am I walking with Jesus in such a way, day in and day out, that when I get hit with something that kind of throws me for a loop for a minute, can I rebound and respond well?\u201d To work on that as a strategy for your marriage and say: \u201cI want to be the kind of person that, when my spouse says something that is angry, or frustrating, or hurtful, or harmful, I can take a breath and say, \u2018Let\u2019s talk about that,\u2019 rather than erupting in anger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s unnatural. The natural thing is, when somebody escalates, you escalate. It\u2019s got to be <em>supernatural <\/em>for you to respond the way Jesus would respond. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Then, the second thing is: \u201cHave I been praying for our marriage? Have I been praying for my spouse?\u201d and \u201cWhat have those prayers sounded like? Are those prayers of anger, and frustration, and \u2018God you need to fix them?\u2019; or is it: \u2018Lord, what do I need to do? I have a humble heart; I\u2019m teachable. How can I be a different person? Lord, make me more like <em>You<\/em> in this situation with my spouse.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese are two of the tools that Rob outlines in the book, <em>With These Words<\/em>, that we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. In fact, I\u2019m sitting here thinking about a couple I know. We\u2019ve been talking about challenges and frustrations in their marriage. I\u2019m thinking: \u201cA lot of it is communication. It is just they\u2019re not expressing themselves well to one another\u201d; so I\u2019m going to get them a copy of this book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can order a copy for yourself, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d The book, again, is called <em>With These Words: Five Communication Tools for Marriage and Life<\/em> by Rob Flood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me ask you whether it has been hard or easy for you in recent days to find yourself rejoicing? I think as you pay attention to what is going on in our world, as you stay connected to social media, or you\u2019re watching what\u2019s going on in the news it\u2019s hard to maintain a spirit of joy. I want to point you to what the Scriptures tell us in \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t1 Thessalonians 5:16 says, rejoice always. Let me remind you, the person who wrote that was somebody who spent time in prison, who was locked up in chains, who often did not have enough to eat, and who had been beaten for his faith. He\u2019s the one telling us to rejoice always and to pray without ceasing and to give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, rejoice, pray, and give thanks. These are our marching orders as sons and daughters of God during these difficult times. I\u2019ll tell what. As we do that, as we rejoice, as we give thanks, and as we pray the people around us are going to wonder why we are hopeful and joyful and at peace. That gives us an opportunity to give a reason for the hope that is in us. So, keep your spiritual vision intact during these difficult times. Stay on mission. Stay focused on God. Let the peace of God that passes understanding put your heart at ease. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk more about communication in marriage. We want to find out if it\u2019s okay\u2014if you\u2019re locked up in communication, and you\u2019re not doing well\u2014is it okay to call a timeout?\u2014and to separate for 15 minutes, or half an hour, or even a half day? Is it okay to take a break? Rob and Gina Flood will be back with us tomorrow to talk about that. I hope you can be here as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, with some help from Mark Ramey. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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