{"id":305839,"date":"2020-03-15T19:38:37","date_gmt":"2020-03-15T23:38:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/up-from-the-past\/"},"modified":"2020-03-15T19:38:37","modified_gmt":"2020-03-15T23:38:37","slug":"up-from-the-past","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/up-from-the-past\/","title":{"rendered":"Up From the Past"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dave and Ann Wilson, Ron Deal, Milan and Kay Yerkovich, Julie Plagens, and Leslie Leyland Fields tell how each of their pasts affected them negatively and how they dealt with it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-03-14.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26883168","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2822,2873,2862],"tags":[4478],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3554,9584,3067],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-305839","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","hentry","category-growing-in-your-faith","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-understanding-differences","tag-dealing-with-your-past","cwp_profile-ann-wilson","cwp_profile-julie-plagens","cwp_profile-leslie-leyland-fields","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":false,"episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305839\/up-from-the-past","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305839\/up-from-the-past","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"RPTf6gsTZV\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/up-from-the-past\/\">Up From the Past<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/up-from-the-past\/embed\/#?secret=RPTf6gsTZV\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Up From the Past&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"RPTf6gsTZV\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/flw\/flw2020-03-14.pdf"],"audio_file":["http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-03-14.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> For those of you who are married, remember that joy?\u2014that excitement for the future?\u2014that happiness? <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> host, Ann Wilson, remembers those days. She also remembers how <em>surprised<\/em> she was when the past crept up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think the biggest repercussion was the ability to resolve conflict in our relationship. I was 19 when we got married; Dave was 22, so we weren\u2019t thinking about our past. We weren\u2019t thinking all these things would affect our present. Yet, we would have our fights, and he would <em>leave<\/em>. That wasn\u2019t my style. I grew up in a family that we would talk about everything. So when Dave would walk out of the room, it would make me <em>furious<\/em>\u2014not thinking\/not even having the thought\u2014\u201cWell, of course, he would leave and withdraw; because conflict is a bad thing to him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to talk about avoiders and pleasers, controllers and victims, and how our past informs our present\u2014and how to deal with that\u2014on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I\u2019m Michelle Hill. You know, if you were listening last week, you heard how we were talking about where to put the pain. You know, there are some really hard things that we face in life. Just what do we do with that? How do we process it, express it, and where do we find hope? If you didn\u2019t happen to listen to last week\u2019s show, just go to our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com, and that will help you have better context for this week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week, we\u2019re going to talk about: \u201cJust what does that kind of pain leave us with? Do we automatically grow into a healthy adult? Or is there something that we need to be aware of?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal recently joined Dave and Ann, and Bob Lepine, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>, <\/em>to continue probing into Dave\u2019s growing-up years and to talk about how it affected his early adult years. Here\u2019s Ann, talking about their early marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The biggest repercussion was the ability to resolve conflict in our relationship. I was 19 when we got married; Dave was 22, so we weren\u2019t thinking about our past. We weren\u2019t thinking all these things would affect our present. Yet, we would have our fights and he would <em>leave<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That wasn\u2019t my style. I grew up in a family that we would talk about everything. We would even <em>yell<\/em> at each other, but still feel secure in the love. We would talk about everything. So when Dave would walk out of the room, it would make me <em>furious<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014not thinking\/not even having the thought\u2014\u201cWell, of course, he would leave and withdraw; because conflict is a bad thing to him.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019m not even connecting those dots. She would follow me into the kitchen\/wherever and say, \u201cWe\u2019ve got to talk.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014which probably just made it worse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh!!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Worse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would be like: \u201cGet outta here. What are we doing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because, now I know, I had this belief about conflict: \u201cIt is bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou avoid it at all cost; it ended in divorce.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember sitting on this bed\u2014he left; he went upstairs; he closed the bedroom door, and he sat on the bed\u2014I knocked open the bedroom door, and I sit right beside him. I put my hand on his leg; and I looked at him\/I said, \u201cWe just need to talk.\u201d He said: \u201cWhat are you doing?! Get out of here!\u201d I didn\u2019t know what to do!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, so there\u2019s a mechanism in him that he grew up doing a lot of. Of course, he just continued to do that; that is, that in the face of conflict and stress and a really hard situation, you just withdraw. You pull away; you retreat; you go back to where it\u2019s safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt wasn\u2019t safe to be <em>with<\/em> <em>you<\/em> in the conflict; so of course, he would retreat.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can totally see how\u2014from your point of view: \u201cFamily: we stay engaged. We talk this out. Even if it\u2019s hard, we stay,\u201d\u2014that must have meant that: \u201cHe doesn\u2019t love me or something.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you said a minute ago, \u201cI would get furious.\u201d I\u2019m wondering if you were really <em>afraid<\/em>, \u201cHe\u2019s leaving.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0To be truthful, I wasn\u2019t afraid he would <em>leave<\/em>; but I think I disrespected it. I thought, \u201cWhat kind of a man <em>leaves<\/em>?\u201d To me, it appeared to be weakness, which\u2014think about <em>how<\/em> that relayed to Dave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What a horrible thing for me to relay to him: \u201cI think you\u2019re weak.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which made him withdraw even more.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s obvious that the Wilsons have had a lot of communication over the years, and they have moved past that place. Just as they were talking about their early marriage, our growing-up years really do affect how we do this adult-thing well. Dave\u2019s the avoider and Ann\u2014she\u2019s <em>not <\/em>the avoider. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, there is this thing called emotional attachment. It gauges how well we attach or communicate to one another. We all pick up habits and communication patterns, growing up, that we may not think about\u2014like Dave\u2019s <em>avoiding<\/em> conflict. Maybe your style isn\u2019t avoiding; maybe it\u2019s about controlling or pleasing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan and Kay Yerkovich <em>love<\/em> to help couples work through these types of communication pitfalls. Milan is a pastoral counselor, and Kay is a marriage and family therapist. Together, they write books and minister to couples and help them better understand each other through their love styles.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s Kay, talking about those love styles.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay:<\/strong> Avoiders flee; they detach. Pleasers freeze, and get scared, and try to make you happy. The ambivalent Vacillators protest, but with no resolution\u2014they\u2019re just telling you what\u2019s wrong with\u00a0you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0And then, the chaotic folks that come from the very traumatic homes\u2014the Controllers just get angry. They have no other emotions under that anger; it\u2019s just always anger. The victims just learn to tolerate the intolerable, so they tolerate the intolerable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith all of these ways of managing stress, there really can\u2019t be a decent conversation\u2014where two people sit down, who aren\u2019t fighting, aren\u2019t fleeing, and aren\u2019t freezing\u2014and they are able to sit down and talk about difficult subjects or, when there is a hurt, they\u2019re able to repair it. Those are very important skills that you either learn, growing up, or you don\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Milan, I want to go back through these five categories\u2014make sure I\u2019ve got them in my mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Okay; so you have the Avoider\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u2014which is the emotionally-distant person, who\u00a0flees\u00a0when there is distress,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u2014or trouble, or struggle. They want to get out of Dodge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0ESPN and just tune out\u2014go passive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0That\u2019s right; but then we stop and ask, \u201cDoes that resemble Jesus? Was He emotionally avoidant?\u201d The answer is, \u201cNo, He wasn\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0And we\u2019re supposed to grow up to resemble Christ. Kay had to ask herself, \u201cDoes this resemble\u2014this Avoider\u2014resemble Jesus?\u201d And the answer was, \u201cNo.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then there\u2019s the Pleaser.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That was you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0That was me, who was very fear-based\u2014proximity seeker\u2014but for the purpose of knowing that I\u2019m okay\/other-dependent for my view of self.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u201cIf you\u2019re smiling, then I\u2019m smiling.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u201cIf you like me, I like me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u201cIf not, I\u2019m in trouble. It\u2019s not you; it\u2019s me\u2014I\u2019m in trouble.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen there\u2019s this ambivalent\/preoccupied person, that we call the Vacillator. They are perpetually ruminating about closeness and distance in relationship. They obsess on it, because they\u2019re worried about separation and distance. Then they get angry; and they\u2019re the protestor, who wants things to be a certain way: \u201cYou didn\u2019t make it that way, so you\u2019re in trouble.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen there\u2019s this chaotic\/disorganized home which, according to one researcher, is a home where there is fright without solutions for the child. The child tries many different things, including, maybe, all these aforementioned styles. As adults, often flip either into the controlling, dominating person as an adult, or the person who remains perpetually the victim and the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese would be what we call the insecure attachment styles. The secure attachment, which is what we\u2019re trying to grow into, which is the growth into the image of Christ\u2014Christ was securely attached. We want to grow more into His image, and that\u2019s what the journey of our sanctification is all about: is maturing so we look more like Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And that secure attachment looks like what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Jesus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, so it looks like Jesus! What\u2019s it look like in your marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Okay; Kay, do you want to share a thought on that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0Yes, I will. We actually have an assessment online. It\u2019s an assessment of a Secure Connector, but I\u2019ll just give you some examples of things that I had to learn to do to become a Secure Connector.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA Secure Connector can name eight feelings they have on a regular basis. I couldn\u2019t do that previous to our work. A Secure Connector can repair when there\u2019s a rupture. A Secure Connector can have a conversation and control their reactivity, whether it\u2019s fight, flight, freeze, or whatever. They\u2019re able to control that and stay present. A Secure Connector is a good listener; they\u2019re able to draw another person out. A Secure Connector is a good receiver as well as a good giver. He [Milan] was a great giver, but a terrible receiver. I couldn\u2019t do either. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you, the Avoider, marry someone of a different style, you will create a core pattern\u2014or a bad dance\u2014that we can predict before you ever tell us what it is. And\u00a0this\u00a0is what explained that core dance we were talking about in our marriage, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhere it\u2019s that same repetitive cycle. You\u2019re thinking, \u201cWhere is this coming from?\u201d It\u2019s really coming from broken attachment styles. God created attachment. Really, what researchers did, is just look at how sin plays out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, they just discovered how two people connect with each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0Right! It\u2019s really two histories colliding\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0\u2014two ways of being trained colliding in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Kay Yerkovich and her husband Milan, talking about those attachment styles and, really, the broken attachment styles that we bring with us into our lives. Those attachments\u2014they tend to be broken because of sin\u2014the sin that lives in us and the sin that\u2019s living in a broken world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay and Milan are trying to help others understand their love style and their attachment style to get beyond and to truly love as Jesus loved. Now, they have a quiz on their website that would help you and your spouse, if you have one, understand just what your attachment style is and how to really become a Secure Connector. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI found out that I am a Pleaser. Of course, you probably knew that. I already knew that, because most personality tests that I take score me high in the harmonizing and peacemaking tendencies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can, of course, find <em>that<\/em> quiz, online, at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com. It might take 15 minutes; but it will help you understand yourself better, and probably your spouse, if you\u2019re married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, we need to take a break; but when we come back, we\u2019re going to continue talking about how the past affects the present if we don\u2019t deal with it. Stay tuned. I\u2019ll be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Keith: <\/strong>[Sound engineer] You\u2019re a harmonizer? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. We\u2019ve been talking today about how our childhood affects our future\/our present in so many ways. We\u2019ve been talking about love styles and just the effect of living in a broken world\u2014the effects of sin. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Dave and Ann Wilson, hosts of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014they\u2019ve been married for 40 years! They made it through those early, rocky stages of marriage. They grew and they learned from each other. They shook off some of those sin issues. I just found it encouraging when I found this audio clip of Dave giving some advice to his younger self. Here\u2019s Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What I know now, I wish that I would have known then\u2014and it is this: \u201cYou are loved. You are actually secure, even if it\u2019s only your mom\u2019s love you can feel at this point or see tangibly; it\u2019s real. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cAnd there\u2019s a heavenly Father that\u2019s there, even though your earthly father\u2014you can\u2019t see it or feel it\u2014I didn\u2019t know that then; I wish I\u2019d have known it then,\u201d and \u201cYou don\u2019t have to become your dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0In many ways, my withdrawal, even that I brought into my marriage, was a copy of the sins of the father: \u201cThe man I don\u2019t want to become, I\u2019m becoming,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0\u2014in many different ways. That could have been avoided if I had known I was truly, truly loved. I just didn\u2019t know it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0I think I would have\u2014if I was sitting across from me\u2014I would have reminded myself that marriage is this beautiful agony. It\u2019s beautiful in the fact that you learn how to love someone unconditionally, and that doesn\u2019t come naturally or easily. The agony is it\u2019s a mirror, and it\u2019s showing you your weaknesses and flaws. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, before I got married, I would have never thought that I would be an angry person and I would ever yell. She was always deep down there; it was just the pressure of marriage exposed it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So I think I would have told myself, \u201cBe patient, and don\u2019t be surprised.\u201d Here\u2019s the biggest thing: \u201cDon\u2019t expect Dave to meet all of my needs, and don\u2019t expect Dave to be just like you.\u201d It\u2019s <em>beautiful<\/em> the way God made Dave. Us having to figure out this whole conflict resolution pattern became one of the <em>best<\/em> things in our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say: \u201cTake your time. Don\u2019t be surprised at the baggage you\u2019re going to discover; but be looking, and then go to God and say: \u2018God, I can\u2019t do this. Give me wisdom.\u2019 James 1\u00a0says, \u2018If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God and He gives generously to anyone who asks.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What great words from Dave and Ann Wilson, encouraging us that God is always working; He\u2019s <em>always<\/em> working in our lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, for some children, like Dave, who was dealing with abandonment and fear of conflict; for other children, they\u2019re dealing with abusive parents or hard parents. Still yet others are dealing with parents, who have very high expectations of their children. Whatever pattern you came from, you probably did learn from that. Unfortunately, sometimes it follows you into your adulthood. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what happened with Julie Plagens. She knows this well. Her dad was a successful businessman, who switched to ministry that became successful. He had high expectations on Julie and her siblings\u2014<em>very high <\/em>expectations. In fact, at times, they were <em>unhealthy<\/em> expectations. Here\u2019s Julie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Julie:<\/strong> My parents were at the end of their rope when I was little. I saw the end of what it looks like after you have <em>everything<\/em> and not God. You have to realize both of my parents did not come from believers. They went from one big life\u2014after they closed the restaurant down, my dad ended up as the janitor in our church. Several years later, he became associate pastor. I went from one very big life to another very big life. I was in fish bowl after fish bowl, and a lot of pressure to perform. When you have children, growing up, and you're in the ministry, the last thing you want your kids to do is start embarrassing the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI grew up as a very high-achiever: I made honor roll; cheerleader; you know, Who's Who\u2014all the things that you do. My sisters were even more amazing: valedictorian, captain of the cheerleading squad. All three of us were high-achievers. We were pretty much\u2014that's the only box we were allowed to check. It was severe; it was hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can understand my parents, though, because it is very difficult when you have a ministry family. Everybody is watching; you don't have margin for error.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0When you say, \u201cIt was hard,\u201d there's emotion there. What is that? What are you remembering? What are you feeling?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0There were some threats: \u201cYou do this or that\u201d; you know? It was <em>hard<\/em> that way\u2014fear. I think my parents would go back and do it differently now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0You were all very image-conscious\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Julie:<\/strong> Very much; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014your parents were\u2014which made you\u00a0very\u00a0aware of what people felt or thought about you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0Yes; and any kind of, maybe, disgruntled behavior\u2014you know, any type of feeling, thinking, opposing\u2014was shut down very quickly. That was not really allowed at my house. It was, you know, \u201cThis is the way we're doing things,\u201d and \u201cYou need to get in line and do it now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had one way to cope, and that was stuffing my emotions. To go back and answer your question, you get 40 years of stuffing, and you get sick.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Take us to the point where you came and said, \u201cIt's not healthy for me to have an ongoing relationship with my family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0I started tracing back\u2014it was more around 18-20 years old that I started having health problems; they just kind of progressed. By the time I was 40, I had\u00a0really\u00a0been having some major stomach issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0You're married at this point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0I'm married with two children. I was really sick. After about three months of losing 30 pounds, I went to the doctor; and they did a colonoscopy. I woke up, and the nurse was in there alone with me. She said: \u201cYou have Crohn's disease. You are going to lose your colon. You're going to have a bag the rest of your life, and it is irreversible.\u201d And she walked out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0That was it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0That was it. And so this is my destiny; I'm supposed to live the rest of my life this way. I was sitting there, thinking, \u201cI can't do this.\u201d I started thinking how I got here. I realized how much <em>bitterness<\/em> and anger I had inside of me, and how much I had been\u00a0stuffing\u00a0my whole life. It was at that point I realized that, I only did not have bitterness, but I was just filled with hatred; and it was toward my parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s tough! That\u2019s Julie Plagens sharing about her story and her style\/her love style. Did you catch that?\u2014she\u2019s a stuffer. Stuffing is what took her on a hard spiritual journey, and she got physically ill. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, whatever pit you find yourself in right now, there is a way out. My friend, Leslie Leyland Fields\u2014she was in a similar pit because of <em>her <\/em>past. She had a terrible relationship with her father. Her first step in reconciling, or trying to reconcile, with him was to take <em>her<\/em> children on a very long trip to meet the grandfather they didn\u2019t know. Here\u2019s Leslie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Leslie:<\/strong> We flew down to Florida for them to meet their grandfather for the first time.\u00a0I knew it was the first time, and it was probably also the\u00a0last\u00a0time. I hadn\u2019t talked about my father very much; they knew\u00a0nothing\u00a0about him. They\u2014you know, they weren\u2019t particularly interested; but I knew that, for future reference, they just needed to meet him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the end of that visit\u2014I was there\/we were there, together, for about four hours\u2014and my father was resistant. He did not talk to me; he didn\u2019t look at me. At the end of those four hours, I determined: \u201cThat\u2019s it! I\u2019m done. I am\u00a0really\u00a0done.\u201d I wiped the dust off my feet, and I went back home. I thought: \u201cThe door is closed. I\u2019m done.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> She tried; right?! Leslie Leyland Fields tried; she tried to reconcile with her dad, and he wasn\u2019t having it. She had every right to give up; right? But Leslie made another <em>faithful<\/em> choice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStep two of the reconciliation: she checked into her father\u2019s past and talked with family members. She got some empathy for who her father was and who he had become. Then, she flew back down to Florida to talk with her dad again\u2014and was able to be there at his bedside when he passed away. All of this has changed Leslie\u2014changed her for the better\u2014God changed her! Here\u2019s Leslie again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Leslie:<\/strong> Forgiven people must be forgiving people. I hope that we can\u00a0start\u00a0right there in our families. I have to say, my life has been changed. Forgiving my father has changed my life, because it is turning me into a person who\u00a0wants\u00a0to forgive, who is ready and quick to forgive. I\u2019m not perfect. Watch! Someone is going to hear this broadcast, and they are going to test me. They are going to\u2014[Laughter]\u2014please don\u2019t do that! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut God showed me His heart of mercy toward my father. My father was given people\u2014Christians, all along his path\u2014right up until the moment he died. That\u2019s how much God loved my father. He gave him unending moments of mercy to lead him to Himself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> You know, Leslie\u2019s entire story is a very powerful story. I covered that in a previous show. You can go and hear her entire story at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com; that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, wherever you are coming from today, sometimes those past hurts are ones that really can start taking us down. I was talking with someone just last night\u2014someone who had lost their dad not so long ago\u2014their dad\u2019s death really sent them in a tailspin. It wasn\u2019t because they were close; it was because of some unresolved issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat story doesn\u2019t just belong to my friend. It could be shared honestly and truthfully from many people\u2019s standpoints, maybe even yours. If that\u2019s you, you might have a tendency to get <em>stuck<\/em> in the past. I ask you\/I challenge you to break free! Ask God to give you wisdom to break those old patterns that might be plaguing you. Do what Jesus said, and what Leslie did: forgive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, if you\u2019re a mom or a dad, you remember when your baby was about a year and starting to stand on those chubby little legs? They were so unsteady at first; and they fell a lot, and they toppled over. You probably had this desire to make sure that all the sharp corners were filed down in your house, and you added extra pillows in different places so they wouldn\u2019t get hurt. Do you remember those feelings\u2014those feelings of anxiety and worry that your child\u2019s not going to live another day because, well, you bought the wrong safety gate?\u2014and it broke, and they fell down the stairs. Well, we\u2019re going to talk about parenting anxiety on the next <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our team today. Our program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>in Little Rock, Arkansas, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"about:blank\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"about:blank\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:00"],"show_notes":[""],"filesize":["25.64M"],"filesize_raw":["26883168"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305839.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305839.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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and Ann Wilson, Ron Deal, Milan and Kay Yerkovich, Julie Plagens, and Leslie Leyland Fields tell how each of their pasts affected them negatively and how they dealt with it.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/flw\/flw2020-03-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> For those of you who are married, remember that joy?\u2014that excitement for the future?\u2014that happiness? <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> host, Ann Wilson, remembers those days. She also remembers how <em>surprised<\/em> she was when the past crept up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think the biggest repercussion was the ability to resolve conflict in our relationship. I was 19 when we got married; Dave was 22, so we weren\u2019t thinking about our past. We weren\u2019t thinking all these things would affect our present. Yet, we would have our fights, and he would <em>leave<\/em>. That wasn\u2019t my style. I grew up in a family that we would talk about everything. So when Dave would walk out of the room, it would make me <em>furious<\/em>\u2014not thinking\/not even having the thought\u2014\u201cWell, of course, he would leave and withdraw; because conflict is a bad thing to him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to talk about avoiders and pleasers, controllers and victims, and how our past informs our present\u2014and how to deal with that\u2014on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I\u2019m Michelle Hill. You know, if you were listening last week, you heard how we were talking about where to put the pain. You know, there are some really hard things that we face in life. Just what do we do with that? How do we process it, express it, and where do we find hope? If you didn\u2019t happen to listen to last week\u2019s show, just go to our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com, and that will help you have better context for this week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis week, we\u2019re going to talk about: \u201cJust what does that kind of pain leave us with? Do we automatically grow into a healthy adult? Or is there something that we need to be aware of?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal recently joined Dave and Ann, and Bob Lepine, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>, <\/em>to continue probing into Dave\u2019s growing-up years and to talk about how it affected his early adult years. Here\u2019s Ann, talking about their early marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The biggest repercussion was the ability to resolve conflict in our relationship. I was 19 when we got married; Dave was 22, so we weren\u2019t thinking about our past. We weren\u2019t thinking all these things would affect our present. Yet, we would have our fights and he would <em>leave<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That wasn\u2019t my style. I grew up in a family that we would talk about everything. We would even <em>yell<\/em> at each other, but still feel secure in the love. We would talk about everything. So when Dave would walk out of the room, it would make me <em>furious<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014not thinking\/not even having the thought\u2014\u201cWell, of course, he would leave and withdraw; because conflict is a bad thing to him.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I\u2019m not even connecting those dots. She would follow me into the kitchen\/wherever and say, \u201cWe\u2019ve got to talk.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014which probably just made it worse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh!!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Worse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would be like: \u201cGet outta here. What are we doing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because, now I know, I had this belief about conflict: \u201cIt is bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou avoid it at all cost; it ended in divorce.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I remember sitting on this bed\u2014he left; he went upstairs; he closed the bedroom door, and he sat on the bed\u2014I knocked open the bedroom door, and I sit right beside him. I put my hand on his leg; and I looked at him\/I said, \u201cWe just need to talk.\u201d He said: \u201cWhat are you doing?! Get out of here!\u201d I didn\u2019t know what to do!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, so there\u2019s a mechanism in him that he grew up doing a lot of. Of course, he just continued to do that; that is, that in the face of conflict and stress and a really hard situation, you just withdraw. You pull away; you retreat; you go back to where it\u2019s safe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt wasn\u2019t safe to be <em>with<\/em> <em>you<\/em> in the conflict; so of course, he would retreat.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can totally see how\u2014from your point of view: \u201cFamily: we stay engaged. We talk this out. Even if it\u2019s hard, we stay,\u201d\u2014that must have meant that: \u201cHe doesn\u2019t love me or something.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you said a minute ago, \u201cI would get furious.\u201d I\u2019m wondering if you were really <em>afraid<\/em>, \u201cHe\u2019s leaving.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0To be truthful, I wasn\u2019t afraid he would <em>leave<\/em>; but I think I disrespected it. I thought, \u201cWhat kind of a man <em>leaves<\/em>?\u201d To me, it appeared to be weakness, which\u2014think about <em>how<\/em> that relayed to Dave. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What a horrible thing for me to relay to him: \u201cI think you\u2019re weak.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which made him withdraw even more.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s obvious that the Wilsons have had a lot of communication over the years, and they have moved past that place. Just as they were talking about their early marriage, our growing-up years really do affect how we do this adult-thing well. Dave\u2019s the avoider and Ann\u2014she\u2019s <em>not <\/em>the avoider. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, there is this thing called emotional attachment. It gauges how well we attach or communicate to one another. We all pick up habits and communication patterns, growing up, that we may not think about\u2014like Dave\u2019s <em>avoiding<\/em> conflict. Maybe your style isn\u2019t avoiding; maybe it\u2019s about controlling or pleasing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan and Kay Yerkovich <em>love<\/em> to help couples work through these types of communication pitfalls. Milan is a pastoral counselor, and Kay is a marriage and family therapist. Together, they write books and minister to couples and help them better understand each other through their love styles.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s Kay, talking about those love styles.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Kay:<\/strong> Avoiders flee; they detach. Pleasers freeze, and get scared, and try to make you happy. The ambivalent Vacillators protest, but with no resolution\u2014they\u2019re just telling you what\u2019s wrong with\u00a0you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0And then, the chaotic folks that come from the very traumatic homes\u2014the Controllers just get angry. They have no other emotions under that anger; it\u2019s just always anger. The victims just learn to tolerate the intolerable, so they tolerate the intolerable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith all of these ways of managing stress, there really can\u2019t be a decent conversation\u2014where two people sit down, who aren\u2019t fighting, aren\u2019t fleeing, and aren\u2019t freezing\u2014and they are able to sit down and talk about difficult subjects or, when there is a hurt, they\u2019re able to repair it. Those are very important skills that you either learn, growing up, or you don\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Milan, I want to go back through these five categories\u2014make sure I\u2019ve got them in my mind.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Okay; so you have the Avoider\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u2014which is the emotionally-distant person, who\u00a0flees\u00a0when there is distress,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u2014or trouble, or struggle. They want to get out of Dodge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0ESPN and just tune out\u2014go passive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0That\u2019s right; but then we stop and ask, \u201cDoes that resemble Jesus? Was He emotionally avoidant?\u201d The answer is, \u201cNo, He wasn\u2019t.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0And we\u2019re supposed to grow up to resemble Christ. Kay had to ask herself, \u201cDoes this resemble\u2014this Avoider\u2014resemble Jesus?\u201d And the answer was, \u201cNo.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then there\u2019s the Pleaser.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0That was you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0That was me, who was very fear-based\u2014proximity seeker\u2014but for the purpose of knowing that I\u2019m okay\/other-dependent for my view of self.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u201cIf you\u2019re smiling, then I\u2019m smiling.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u201cIf you like me, I like me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0\u201cIf not, I\u2019m in trouble. It\u2019s not you; it\u2019s me\u2014I\u2019m in trouble.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen there\u2019s this ambivalent\/preoccupied person, that we call the Vacillator. They are perpetually ruminating about closeness and distance in relationship. They obsess on it, because they\u2019re worried about separation and distance. Then they get angry; and they\u2019re the protestor, who wants things to be a certain way: \u201cYou didn\u2019t make it that way, so you\u2019re in trouble.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen there\u2019s this chaotic\/disorganized home which, according to one researcher, is a home where there is fright without solutions for the child. The child tries many different things, including, maybe, all these aforementioned styles. As adults, often flip either into the controlling, dominating person as an adult, or the person who remains perpetually the victim and the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThese would be what we call the insecure attachment styles. The secure attachment, which is what we\u2019re trying to grow into, which is the growth into the image of Christ\u2014Christ was securely attached. We want to grow more into His image, and that\u2019s what the journey of our sanctification is all about: is maturing so we look more like Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0And that secure attachment looks like what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Jesus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Okay, so it looks like Jesus! What\u2019s it look like in your marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Okay; Kay, do you want to share a thought on that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0Yes, I will. We actually have an assessment online. It\u2019s an assessment of a Secure Connector, but I\u2019ll just give you some examples of things that I had to learn to do to become a Secure Connector.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA Secure Connector can name eight feelings they have on a regular basis. I couldn\u2019t do that previous to our work. A Secure Connector can repair when there\u2019s a rupture. A Secure Connector can have a conversation and control their reactivity, whether it\u2019s fight, flight, freeze, or whatever. They\u2019re able to control that and stay present. A Secure Connector is a good listener; they\u2019re able to draw another person out. A Secure Connector is a good receiver as well as a good giver. He [Milan] was a great giver, but a terrible receiver. I couldn\u2019t do either. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you, the Avoider, marry someone of a different style, you will create a core pattern\u2014or a bad dance\u2014that we can predict before you ever tell us what it is. And\u00a0this\u00a0is what explained that core dance we were talking about in our marriage, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\twhere it\u2019s that same repetitive cycle. You\u2019re thinking, \u201cWhere is this coming from?\u201d It\u2019s really coming from broken attachment styles. God created attachment. Really, what researchers did, is just look at how sin plays out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis:\u00a0Yes, they just discovered how two people connect with each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0Right! It\u2019s really two histories colliding\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMilan:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay:\u00a0\u2014two ways of being trained colliding in a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Kay Yerkovich and her husband Milan, talking about those attachment styles and, really, the broken attachment styles that we bring with us into our lives. Those attachments\u2014they tend to be broken because of sin\u2014the sin that lives in us and the sin that\u2019s living in a broken world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKay and Milan are trying to help others understand their love style and their attachment style to get beyond and to truly love as Jesus loved. Now, they have a quiz on their website that would help you and your spouse, if you have one, understand just what your attachment style is and how to really become a Secure Connector. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI found out that I am a Pleaser. Of course, you probably knew that. I already knew that, because most personality tests that I take score me high in the harmonizing and peacemaking tendencies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can, of course, find <em>that<\/em> quiz, online, at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com. It might take 15 minutes; but it will help you understand yourself better, and probably your spouse, if you\u2019re married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, we need to take a break; but when we come back, we\u2019re going to continue talking about how the past affects the present if we don\u2019t deal with it. Stay tuned. I\u2019ll be back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Keith: <\/strong>[Sound engineer] You\u2019re a harmonizer? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. We\u2019ve been talking today about how our childhood affects our future\/our present in so many ways. We\u2019ve been talking about love styles and just the effect of living in a broken world\u2014the effects of sin. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Dave and Ann Wilson, hosts of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014they\u2019ve been married for 40 years! They made it through those early, rocky stages of marriage. They grew and they learned from each other. They shook off some of those sin issues. I just found it encouraging when I found this audio clip of Dave giving some advice to his younger self. Here\u2019s Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What I know now, I wish that I would have known then\u2014and it is this: \u201cYou are loved. You are actually secure, even if it\u2019s only your mom\u2019s love you can feel at this point or see tangibly; it\u2019s real. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cAnd there\u2019s a heavenly Father that\u2019s there, even though your earthly father\u2014you can\u2019t see it or feel it\u2014I didn\u2019t know that then; I wish I\u2019d have known it then,\u201d and \u201cYou don\u2019t have to become your dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0In many ways, my withdrawal, even that I brought into my marriage, was a copy of the sins of the father: \u201cThe man I don\u2019t want to become, I\u2019m becoming,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon:\u00a0Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0\u2014in many different ways. That could have been avoided if I had known I was truly, truly loved. I just didn\u2019t know it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0I think I would have\u2014if I was sitting across from me\u2014I would have reminded myself that marriage is this beautiful agony. It\u2019s beautiful in the fact that you learn how to love someone unconditionally, and that doesn\u2019t come naturally or easily. The agony is it\u2019s a mirror, and it\u2019s showing you your weaknesses and flaws. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, before I got married, I would have never thought that I would be an angry person and I would ever yell. She was always deep down there; it was just the pressure of marriage exposed it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So I think I would have told myself, \u201cBe patient, and don\u2019t be surprised.\u201d Here\u2019s the biggest thing: \u201cDon\u2019t expect Dave to meet all of my needs, and don\u2019t expect Dave to be just like you.\u201d It\u2019s <em>beautiful<\/em> the way God made Dave. Us having to figure out this whole conflict resolution pattern became one of the <em>best<\/em> things in our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say: \u201cTake your time. Don\u2019t be surprised at the baggage you\u2019re going to discover; but be looking, and then go to God and say: \u2018God, I can\u2019t do this. Give me wisdom.\u2019 James 1\u00a0says, \u2018If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God and He gives generously to anyone who asks.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What great words from Dave and Ann Wilson, encouraging us that God is always working; He\u2019s <em>always<\/em> working in our lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, for some children, like Dave, who was dealing with abandonment and fear of conflict; for other children, they\u2019re dealing with abusive parents or hard parents. Still yet others are dealing with parents, who have very high expectations of their children. Whatever pattern you came from, you probably did learn from that. Unfortunately, sometimes it follows you into your adulthood. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what happened with Julie Plagens. She knows this well. Her dad was a successful businessman, who switched to ministry that became successful. He had high expectations on Julie and her siblings\u2014<em>very high <\/em>expectations. In fact, at times, they were <em>unhealthy<\/em> expectations. Here\u2019s Julie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Julie:<\/strong> My parents were at the end of their rope when I was little. I saw the end of what it looks like after you have <em>everything<\/em> and not God. You have to realize both of my parents did not come from believers. They went from one big life\u2014after they closed the restaurant down, my dad ended up as the janitor in our church. Several years later, he became associate pastor. I went from one very big life to another very big life. I was in fish bowl after fish bowl, and a lot of pressure to perform. When you have children, growing up, and you're in the ministry, the last thing you want your kids to do is start embarrassing the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI grew up as a very high-achiever: I made honor roll; cheerleader; you know, Who's Who\u2014all the things that you do. My sisters were even more amazing: valedictorian, captain of the cheerleading squad. All three of us were high-achievers. We were pretty much\u2014that's the only box we were allowed to check. It was severe; it was hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can understand my parents, though, because it is very difficult when you have a ministry family. Everybody is watching; you don't have margin for error.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0When you say, \u201cIt was hard,\u201d there's emotion there. What is that? What are you remembering? What are you feeling?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0There were some threats: \u201cYou do this or that\u201d; you know? It was <em>hard<\/em> that way\u2014fear. I think my parents would go back and do it differently now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0You were all very image-conscious\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Julie:<\/strong> Very much; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014your parents were\u2014which made you\u00a0very\u00a0aware of what people felt or thought about you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0Yes; and any kind of, maybe, disgruntled behavior\u2014you know, any type of feeling, thinking, opposing\u2014was shut down very quickly. That was not really allowed at my house. It was, you know, \u201cThis is the way we're doing things,\u201d and \u201cYou need to get in line and do it now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had one way to cope, and that was stuffing my emotions. To go back and answer your question, you get 40 years of stuffing, and you get sick.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob:\u00a0Take us to the point where you came and said, \u201cIt's not healthy for me to have an ongoing relationship with my family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0I started tracing back\u2014it was more around 18-20 years old that I started having health problems; they just kind of progressed. By the time I was 40, I had\u00a0really\u00a0been having some major stomach issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnn:\u00a0You're married at this point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0I'm married with two children. I was really sick. After about three months of losing 30 pounds, I went to the doctor; and they did a colonoscopy. I woke up, and the nurse was in there alone with me. She said: \u201cYou have Crohn's disease. You are going to lose your colon. You're going to have a bag the rest of your life, and it is irreversible.\u201d And she walked out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave:\u00a0That was it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJulie:\u00a0That was it. And so this is my destiny; I'm supposed to live the rest of my life this way. I was sitting there, thinking, \u201cI can't do this.\u201d I started thinking how I got here. I realized how much <em>bitterness<\/em> and anger I had inside of me, and how much I had been\u00a0stuffing\u00a0my whole life. It was at that point I realized that, I only did not have bitterness, but I was just filled with hatred; and it was toward my parents.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s tough! That\u2019s Julie Plagens sharing about her story and her style\/her love style. Did you catch that?\u2014she\u2019s a stuffer. Stuffing is what took her on a hard spiritual journey, and she got physically ill. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, whatever pit you find yourself in right now, there is a way out. My friend, Leslie Leyland Fields\u2014she was in a similar pit because of <em>her <\/em>past. She had a terrible relationship with her father. Her first step in reconciling, or trying to reconcile, with him was to take <em>her<\/em> children on a very long trip to meet the grandfather they didn\u2019t know. Here\u2019s Leslie.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Leslie:<\/strong> We flew down to Florida for them to meet their grandfather for the first time.\u00a0I knew it was the first time, and it was probably also the\u00a0last\u00a0time. I hadn\u2019t talked about my father very much; they knew\u00a0nothing\u00a0about him. They\u2014you know, they weren\u2019t particularly interested; but I knew that, for future reference, they just needed to meet him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the end of that visit\u2014I was there\/we were there, together, for about four hours\u2014and my father was resistant. He did not talk to me; he didn\u2019t look at me. At the end of those four hours, I determined: \u201cThat\u2019s it! I\u2019m done. I am\u00a0really\u00a0done.\u201d I wiped the dust off my feet, and I went back home. I thought: \u201cThe door is closed. I\u2019m done.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> She tried; right?! Leslie Leyland Fields tried; she tried to reconcile with her dad, and he wasn\u2019t having it. She had every right to give up; right? But Leslie made another <em>faithful<\/em> choice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStep two of the reconciliation: she checked into her father\u2019s past and talked with family members. She got some empathy for who her father was and who he had become. Then, she flew back down to Florida to talk with her dad again\u2014and was able to be there at his bedside when he passed away. All of this has changed Leslie\u2014changed her for the better\u2014God changed her! Here\u2019s Leslie again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Broadcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Leslie:<\/strong> Forgiven people must be forgiving people. I hope that we can\u00a0start\u00a0right there in our families. I have to say, my life has been changed. Forgiving my father has changed my life, because it is turning me into a person who\u00a0wants\u00a0to forgive, who is ready and quick to forgive. I\u2019m not perfect. Watch! Someone is going to hear this broadcast, and they are going to test me. They are going to\u2014[Laughter]\u2014please don\u2019t do that! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut God showed me His heart of mercy toward my father. My father was given people\u2014Christians, all along his path\u2014right up until the moment he died. That\u2019s how much God loved my father. He gave him unending moments of mercy to lead him to Himself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> You know, Leslie\u2019s entire story is a very powerful story. I covered that in a previous show. You can go and hear her entire story at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com; that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, wherever you are coming from today, sometimes those past hurts are ones that really can start taking us down. I was talking with someone just last night\u2014someone who had lost their dad not so long ago\u2014their dad\u2019s death really sent them in a tailspin. It wasn\u2019t because they were close; it was because of some unresolved issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat story doesn\u2019t just belong to my friend. It could be shared honestly and truthfully from many people\u2019s standpoints, maybe even yours. If that\u2019s you, you might have a tendency to get <em>stuck<\/em> in the past. I ask you\/I challenge you to break free! Ask God to give you wisdom to break those old patterns that might be plaguing you. Do what Jesus said, and what Leslie did: forgive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, if you\u2019re a mom or a dad, you remember when your baby was about a year and starting to stand on those chubby little legs? They were so unsteady at first; and they fell a lot, and they toppled over. You probably had this desire to make sure that all the sharp corners were filed down in your house, and you added extra pillows in different places so they wouldn\u2019t get hurt. Do you remember those feelings\u2014those feelings of anxiety and worry that your child\u2019s not going to live another day because, well, you bought the wrong safety gate?\u2014and it broke, and they fell down the stairs. Well, we\u2019re going to talk about parenting anxiety on the next <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our team today. Our program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>in Little Rock, Arkansas, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"about:blank\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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