{"id":305818,"date":"2020-03-09T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-03-09T10:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/common-pain-points-for-stepfamilies\/"},"modified":"2020-03-09T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-03-09T10:00:05","slug":"common-pain-points-for-stepfamilies","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/common-pain-points-for-stepfamilies\/","title":{"rendered":"Common Pain Points for Stepfamilies"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Guest: Michele Cushatt | There are common pain points that come with the territory of being in a blended family. Michele Cushatt suggests ways the church can be welcoming to the blended families in their communities.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tLearn more about the Blended and Blessed Live Event and Livestream. https:\/\/blendedandblessed.com\/<br \/>\n \tSubscribe to the FamilyLife Blended\u00ae\u00a0Podcast with Ron Deal.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<br \/>\n \tHave the FamilyLife Today\u00ae podcast and resources helped you?\u00a0 Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>There are common pain points that come with the territory of being in a blended family. Michele Cushatt suggests ways the church can be welcoming to the blended families in their communities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-09.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:52","filesize":"22.77M","filesize_raw":"23874087","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10448,2894],"tags":[5276],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9540],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305818","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ministering-to-stepfamilies","category-stepfamily-living","tag-stepfamilies","cwp_profile-michele-cushatt","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305818\/common-pain-points-for-stepfamilies","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305818\/common-pain-points-for-stepfamilies","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"1nOCHosvkL\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/common-pain-points-for-stepfamilies\/\">Common Pain Points for Stepfamilies<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/common-pain-points-for-stepfamilies\/embed\/#?secret=1nOCHosvkL\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Common Pain Points for Stepfamilies&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"1nOCHosvkL\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-09.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-09.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you have friends, who are in a second or a third marriage, forming a blended family? Michele Cushatt says there is a phrase we ought to avoid when we talk with them or about them.\n\n<strong>Michele:<\/strong> Don\u2019t use the phrase, \u201cbroken family\u201d anymore; it\u2019s such a loaded phrase. I mean, if you want to privately, I guess I can\u2019t control what you do; but when you hang out with somebody, who has a very complex family like this, let\u2019s just get rid of that; because you know what?\u2014Jesus came for the broken, and that\u2019s every one of us.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, March 9<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. There are some pretty common pain points that are a part of a blended family. We\u2019ll hear about those today from Michele Cushatt. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. You were a gymnast, growing up; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought you were talking to me, Bob. [Laughter] No; I wasn\u2019t.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know better.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019ve seen that; that is not a good sight.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She has seen my cartwheel.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the things\u2014when gymnasts are being judged for their routine or whatever it is they are doing, the judges take into account the degree of difficulty in what they are doing. The simpler the routine\u2014you can\u2019t get a 10 if you do a really simple routine; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Look at you.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re even an expert at gymnastics.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He might be an Olympic judge\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014or something in his private life.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reason that I\u2019m thinking about this is because, in marriage, there are degree of difficulty issues in marriage as well.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow! That was a jump.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good transition; I like it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> See, what I did there\u2014jump.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That is a jump.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was a vault.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Couples in a first marriage are going to experience challenges and difficulties. Couples in a blended marriage\/a second marriage have a new level of degree of difficulty that\u2019s been brought in. That\u2019s going to make the routine harder, but you can score more points if you\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s good; that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014can do it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you can do it. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s absolutely right.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to hear a message today that comes from the Summit on Stepfamily Ministries that FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> hosted back a few months ago. Ron Deal gives leadership to this. One of the speakers at the summit is an author and a platform speaker. She and her husband are in a blended family, and they have also adopted kids.\n\nAs you listen to Michele, she is going to talk about the most common pain points that couples in a blended family experience. You also need to know that she is a three-time head-and-neck cancer survivor. On top of the challenges you would face in a marriage or in a blended relationship, she\u2019s had those challenges. And you\u2019ll hear, as she speaks, that she is a cancer survivor; you can hear it in her voice. Here is Michele.\n\n[Previous Message]\n\n<strong>Michele:<\/strong> We need to understand what the primary pain points are for blended families so we can help. If we don\u2019t understand pain, then we can\u2019t connect with the people.\n\nThe first primary pain point is simply emotions. This does not surprise you; but we need to understand a little bit the complexity of the emotions that take place in a blended family because a blended family is a trauma circumstance. Regardless of how you ended up in a blended family, they\u2019ve experienced some kind of trauma. Whether it was a death, a divorce\u2014some kind of like Ron talked about: the raging waters\/the white waters\u2014it is a traumatic experience.\n\nWe need to understand how the body and brain responds to trauma and why it elicits the emotions that it does. The truth is people who have endured loss, trauma, and pain don\u2019t behave well. It\u2019s not just bad behavior; loss, and trauma, and pain changes the brain.\n\nI\u2019ve read all kinds of books. I am not a psychologist\/a psychiatrist; but I\u2019m a mom, who was in the trenches of trauma every day, and who has experienced it herself. I\u2019ve done <em>tons<\/em> of research on trauma and what happens to the brain. One of my favorite books on trauma is a book called <em>The Body Keeps the Score<\/em> by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. It\u2019s very clinical; it\u2019s a thick, hard read.\n\nLet me tell you\u2014if you want to develop a sense of empathy for people, who have gone through complex trauma of all different kinds, spend just a little time in that book. I\u2019m going to read one quote. It\u2019s going to sound very clinical, but I want you to hang with me. This is what he says in that book: \u201cResearch has revealed that trauma produces actual physiological changes; including a recalibration of the brain\u2019s alarm system, an increase in stress hormone activity, and alterations in the system that filters relevant information from irrelevant.\u201d\n\nI want you to hear that: the brain alarm system has gone haywire; stress hormones go way up; and the system that filters important or relevant information from irrelevant is kind of all catawampus, so you\u2019re not able to filter what kind of information matters. All of that is a problem, by the way. That makes it very hard to function with complex humans when those systems go down.\n\n\u201cWe now know that trauma compromises the brain area that communicates the physical embodied feeling of being alive. These changes explain why traumatized individuals become,\u201d\u2014listen to this\u2014\u201chyper-vigilant to threats.\u201d If you\u2019ve ever counseled with somebody in those situations, they are hyper\u2014everything <em>feels<\/em> like it\u2019s personal; everything feels like a personal attack. \u201cThey are hyper-vigilant to anything that feels like a threat at the expense of spontaneously engaging in their day-to-day lives.\u201d In other words, they are on alert all the time. \u201cThey also help us understand why traumatized people so often keep repeating the same problems and have such trouble learning from experience. We now know that the behaviors are not the result of moral failings, or signs of a lack of willpower, or bad character; they are caused by actual changes in the brain.\u201d\n\nSo many times we so focus on core behavior, we forget we\u2019re dealing with wounded people. We are so worried about correcting what they are doing wrong that we forget to sit with them and mourn.\n\nWhen people go through trauma\u2014and there are lots of different levels\u2014but divorce\u2014let me tell you: divorce <em>destroyed<\/em> me. It took all these other years, and all these consecutive traumas and losses, for me to finally validate the trauma of my divorce. It\u2019s been 22 years since my divorce, and it\u2019s taken other things for me to finally go back and realize that that was significant. We have such a bad habit\u2014especially in the church, at times\u2014of expecting people to put on an unflappable, perfect faith and behave well when they come to church.\n\nWe need to understand that emotions are a <em>significant<\/em> pain point. Some of the emotions\u2014okay?\u2014some of those emotions are literally a physiological response to very hard circumstances. Hyper-vigilance\u2014you\u2019ll see that. Hyper-vigilance, reactivity\u2014anybody ever seen reactivity in blended families? Children and adults repeating dysfunctional patterns\u2014did you hear that in that quote by Dr. Van der Kolk? Repeating dysfunctional patterns; and either isolation and withdrawal <em>or<\/em> codependency and clingy behavior\u2014it\u2019s one of those two. There are attachment styles\u2014I won\u2019t get into that\u2014but when we are stressed and triggered, we default to either kind of our uncomfortable attachment styles; so either that isolation, detachment, withdrawal <em>or<\/em> excessive clingy, codependent kind of behavior. I know you\u2019ve seen this.\n\nOkay; \u201cSo how do we help?\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ve identified the emotions. How do we help?\u201d First of all, the most important thing is to create emotional safety. You have to make them feel safe; the trauma brain needs to feel safe. Basically, the trauma brain\u2014when people go through hard things, it\u2019s a smoke detector going off\u2014it\u2019s going\u201d \u201cBeep, beep, beep, beep, beep.\u201d\n\nNow, if you\u2019re in your house, and your smoke detector is going off, you can keep doing your regular activities and get your chores done. How effective is it?\u2014I mean, what happens the longer the smoke detector goes off? What do you feel happening to you? [Gasp] \u201cI\u2019m going to scream!\u201d That smoke detector\u2014you want to throw something at the ceiling if you could find it, but we never can find the smoke detector that is actually going off; right? [Laughter]\n\nThe brain is operating like a smoke detector. The trauma brain is going off; it\u2019s sensing danger. The way that we help the brain calm down is creating emotional safety. That begins with, first of all, looking beyond the loudest emotion. Train yourself to see <em>beyond<\/em> the behavior and the loudest emotion. Don\u2019t take it personally. When you see somebody behaving badly, [you should be] going: \u201cThey don\u2019t feel\/they are afraid; they don\u2019t feel safe. Something in their body\u2014the alarm\u2019s going off. I need to create safety.\u201d Sometimes, it\u2019s just simply saying: \u201cI see you. I see how hard this is for you.\u201d Sit with them in it.\n\nThe other piece, and Ron mentioned this earlier, is you need to the\u2014you may need a referral yourself. Other people\u2019s trauma triggers our own. You need to do your own hard work; you and I need to do our own hard work of investing in our own emotional wholeness and health. When we are grounded\u2014when we have done the work of being self-aware and identify our own triggers\/our own things\u2014we can hold space for people with really loud emotions.\n\nAlright; pain point number one is emotions. Pain point number two: parenting. We\u2019ve talked about this a lot. Blended families\u2014parenting is hard no matter what\u2014but parenting in a blended family situation is so difficult\/so incredibly difficult. I now have three kids from trauma, who I\u2019ve adopted into our family. They\u2019ve been with us eight years. When things get hard, you know what they say?\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re not my mom.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve rescued you from poverty and chaos, and that\u2019s what you say to me!\u201d [Laughter] It\u2019s every day.\n\nParenting is hard; it\u2019s complex, so what do we do? When you have these blended families, you have the complex emotions. Then you have the birth order disruption. You\u2019ve got parental loyalties that come into play. You have the introduction of new relationships. In the middle of all of that, you have people, who have already been abandoned at some point in time; so you have this ongoing fear of abandonment, a sense of aloneness, a fear of being forgotten, and\u2014this was my boys\u2019 biggest difficulty\/actually, all my kids\u2019 difficulty\u2014they feel different from everybody else. Just in case you don\u2019t remember what middle school was like\u2014being different is about the worst thing in the <em>entire<\/em> world.\n\nOn top of the differences, there is constant\u2014and I mean constant\u2014guilt and shame. We have this realization that: \u201cI am different than everybody else,\u201d\u2014and by the way, I\u2019ve felt different too; because I now was a divorced woman in church, not the married woman in church. I\u2019m different from everyone else, and I\u2019m pretty sure it\u2019s my fault. That is true for adults and children alike. Do you know how living with that reality\/that underlying sense\u2014talk about shame. Our blended family friends are carrying around a bag of shame so heavy every single day; it\u2019s a wonder they make it to church at all.\n\n\u201cHow do we help?\u201d To begin, we commit to inclusivity\u2014commit to inclusivity. This is what I mean. We were having some really hard time with teenagers at the time, and I sat down with one of my <em>best<\/em> friends. I just needed to know I wasn\u2019t alone. I sat down with one of my best friends\u2014dear, dear friend\u2014and I shared with her what was going on. This was her response: \u201cWell, you know, they come from a broken family. It\u2019s to be expected.\u201d She didn\u2019t mean anything by it; but in that moment, what I learned is: \u201cI\u2019m doomed to failure,\u201d and \u201cI better not ask for help; because if I do, I will be told this is basically my fault; and it\u2019s not going to get any better.\u201d\n\nDo you want to know how many times I\u2019ve heard the word, \u201c broken family,\u201d over the last 20 years? The reality is technically speaking. I understand what they are saying; but the reality is: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m being really technical: \u201cEvery one of us is part of a broken family, because we are part of sinful creation\u2014every single one of us. If you\u2019re okay with me\u2014like how about I introduce you at an event: \u2018This is my friend, Tom. He\u2019s a sinner\u201d? [Laughter] Okay; it may be the facts, but we don\u2019t usually like to lead with that. When people introduce [me]: \u201cThis is Michele; she\u2019s from a broken family,\u201d\u2014why do we think that\u2019s okay?\n\nOne of the best things you can do, when it comes to parenting, is erase even that phrase from your vocabulary. Don\u2019t use the phrase, \u201cbroken family,\u201d anymore; it\u2019s such a <em>loaded<\/em> phrase. I mean, if you want to privately, I guess I can\u2019t control what you do; but when you hang out with somebody, who has a very complex family like this, let\u2019s just get rid of that; because you know what? Jesus came for the broken, and that\u2019s every one of us.\n\nOkay; third pain point: marriage. It\u2019s not a big leap from pain point one, emotions; pain point two, parenting; to marriage\u2014okay?\u2014it\u2019s just hard. Many other people have talked about this already; I won\u2019t spend a lot of time here; but when you have emotional volatility, and complex parenting schedules, and kids coming and going on Mondays and Wednesdays and every other weekend and summers\u2014I mean, the last thing you are going to have energy for is your marriage.\n\nWhen you have kids from trauma, they demand a lot of attention; they tend to be really loud. Like our\u2014we have six of them; thank You, Jesus, for giving me extra practice. [Laughter] The marriage is very hard to have anything\u2014have any kind of priority\/energy to invest in the marriage. Then you have that fear, guilt, shame as well that causes isolation or clingy behavior. It just messes with all of that.\n\nSo: \u201cWhat do we do? How do we help?\u201d\u2014right? First of all, you need to, as we\u2019ve talked about, provide compassionate resources. We don\u2019t just throw resources at people. Compassion means immersion\u2014compassionate resources. Remember: these are people, not statistics. Don\u2019t assume\u2014you want to know how many times somebody has told me, \u201cYou know, second marriages\u2014like two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce\u201d? I wanted to say: \u201cI\u2019m not a statistic. I\u2019m a <em>person<\/em>. Your statistics aren\u2019t helping me.\u201d When we come up and we quote statistics about the failure of second marriages and third marriages\u2014or however you want to say it\u2014or blended families and all of this, we aren\u2019t helping. Let\u2019s be a voice of hope, not of doom; so provide compassionate resources.\n\nAsk for and <em>listen<\/em> to their stories. Do you know how healing it is to be able to tell your story? They won\u2019t say it right; they\u2019ll probably be critical, and negative, or bitter, or whatever\u2014ask for and <em>listen<\/em>.\n\nIntentionally and regularly provide specific resources and events for blended families; but especially\u2014this is kind of different than some of the things here\u2014I want you to provide opportunities, where they can simply laugh, connect, enjoy each other and other people. Many times, they go to conferences to learn how to do it better; but let me tell you\u2014these families don\u2019t have many opportunities to just laugh their heads off. Create opportunities for them to have fun. Being in a blended family with all these complex things, we don\u2019t get to always laugh very often.\n\nPain point number four: special days. Special days\u2014this is what I mean: we have Christmas, Thanksgiving\u2014loaded holidays. Holidays are loaded; and regardless of how you ended up in your blended family\u2014[whether] it is death, or adoption, or divorce, or whatever\u2014regardless of how you ended up there, we have Christmas and Thanksgiving; those are loaded.\n\nBut don\u2019t forget days like birthdays; spring break; fall break; summer break; Memorial Day; Labor Day; Easter; Valentine\u2019s Day, when they are doing boxes; Halloween, when they are doing costumes; Mother\u2019s Day; Father\u2019s Day; first day of school; last day of school; sporting events; homecoming; prom; there are teacher conferences; graduation; weddings; grandbabies. What\u2019s so interesting is\u2014so much of the church calendar is centered around special days. It makes it <em>very<\/em> hard, as someone from a blended family, to go to church on special days; because it\u2019s like navigating landmines. Even if I\u2019m in a good space, my children may not be.\n\nWhat I\u2019d like to do is give you some questions to ask, even around these special days, to help you be a bit of an investigator. I\u2019m not going to tell you what programs to do\u2014that\u2019s not what this is about\u2014it\u2019s about having conversations with the local people and asking them questions like this: \u201cWhat is the hardest thing in your life right now?\u201d \u201cWhat is breaking your heart the most today?\u201d \u201cWhat do you need more than anything?\u201d If there is one thing that you need, what do you need more than anything?\u201d \u201cHow can we love you well?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re so valuable to us; how can we love you well right here?\u201d \u201cWhat would make you feel less alone?\u201d \u201cI would imagine, with everything you\u2019ve gone through, that you feel alone; and that\u2019s a <em>horrible<\/em> feeling. What can we do? What would help you feel less alone?\u201d\n\nThen say this\u2014oh, man, this is what I want you to say instead of \u201cbroken family\u201d\u2014these words: \u201cGuess what? We\u2019re all <em>family<\/em>. We\u2019re in this together. We are family; we\u2019re in this together.\u201d\n\nFinal pain point\u2014and this will be kind of hard to swallow\u2014but it\u2019s really the church. The hardest place for my family to go every week is church. There\u2019s\u2014and I love the church\u2014Jesus\u2019s bride is <em>beautiful<\/em>; I love the church, but it\u2019s a hard place for our family to go; because we don\u2019t fit in a box. My kids don\u2019t always function well in Sunday school classes. One day, we went in, and they were handing out snacks\u2014bananas. Because my son was starved when he was a child, he doesn\u2019t take <em>one<\/em>; by the time we picked him up, he had eaten <em>five<\/em> bananas in half an hour and was physically sick. We needed to have somebody that was aware of that enough that they set a limit; but there\u2019s a lack of education about how to respond to kids from complex situations like that.\n\nFive pain points: again, emotions, parenting, marriage, special days, and finally the church. How do we help? We create emotional safety. We commit to inclusivity. We provide compassion\u2014compassionate resources. We identify our biases and develop sensitivity, and then we prioritize connection\u2014prioritize connection. Connection is what is going to heal. Programs are not going to heal; people will. We don\u2019t need more programs; we need more people\u2014relationship. The good news is Jesus, Himself, showed us how to do it.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, again, we\u2019ve been listening to a message from Michele Cushatt about the common pain points in a blended family. I <em>really<\/em> liked the fact that she, not only was able to identify the pain points; but she is able to provide the encouragement for how to <em>deal<\/em> with those pain points. The pain is real; the challenges are real, but the help that comes from the Lord is real as well. Blended couples\u2014the degree of difficulty\u2014we talked about this earlier: the degree of difficulty is high, but couples can do this; can\u2019t they?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s really <em>good<\/em> for the church to be aware of what\u2019s happening in blended families, especially for those who have never gone through this; because she really identifies things that blended families are struggling with; but how we can step in, as a church, and really meet some of those needs.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I would add\u2014Bob, you\u2019re right\u2014the degree of difficulty is a whole different thing; because you look at these five pressure points\u2014every marriage and family has these.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But this is like times 100.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was going to say \u201c\u2026times 10\u201d; but boy oh boy, if you are in a blended situation, it\u2019s the same thing; but it\u2019s <em>much<\/em> more difficult and much more complex.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And we\u2019ve got resources to help couples, who are in blended families. Ron Deal has written a book called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>; that\u2019s a great help. There\u2019s a video series that goes along with that that is available. Michele has written a book called <em>Relentless<\/em> that addresses a lot of these themes\u2014the pain and suffering that she has been through in her own life.\n\nAlso, we\u2019ve got an event coming up in April\u2014April 25<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014in Houston that is going to be live-streamed all around the world. It is our annual <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> event. Ron Deal gives leadership to that. Gary Chapman will be there, along with Laura Petherbridge and Bill Butterworth\u2014others. This event is going to be unpacking how to understand and apply the idea of the five love languages in a blended family\u2014how that should and should not be applied in a blended family\u2014because there are unique dynamics at play there.\n\nInformation about the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> event; the other resources that are available; Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014all of that is available online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Call if you have any questions: 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or the number to call is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nDavid Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife,<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> is here with us. I\u2019m <em>so glad<\/em> we have the opportunity to be able to share stuff like this, not only on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, but now, through the podcast network that we\u2019ve developed over the past year. We\u2019re touching a whole lot more people as a result of this.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m really grateful, actually, for our partners\u2014people who pray for us regularly; people who financially invest with FamilyLife\u2014because it enables us to do new initiatives like this to reach more homes and to engage more homes with the help that <em>they<\/em> need. The FamilyLife Podcast Network is one of those new initiatives this past year that features programs like Ron Deal\u2019s, FamilyLife Blended podcast.\n\nI just want to say: \u201cFor those of you who help us do these new initiatives, thank you for standing with us and thank you for your passion to speak to the heart of every home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thank you, David.\n\nBe sure to join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to introduce you to the man whose story has just been made into a major motion picture that is going to be in theaters this weekend. Jeremy Camp will be here; and we\u2019ll hear the story that led to the movie, <em>I Still Believe<\/em>. That\u2019s tomorrow. I hope you can join us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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are common pain points that come with the territory of being in a blended family. Michele Cushatt suggests ways the church can be welcoming to the blended families in their communities.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you have friends, who are in a second or a third marriage, forming a blended family? Michele Cushatt says there is a phrase we ought to avoid when we talk with them or about them.\n\n<strong>Michele:<\/strong> Don\u2019t use the phrase, \u201cbroken family\u201d anymore; it\u2019s such a loaded phrase. I mean, if you want to privately, I guess I can\u2019t control what you do; but when you hang out with somebody, who has a very complex family like this, let\u2019s just get rid of that; because you know what?\u2014Jesus came for the broken, and that\u2019s every one of us.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, March 9<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. There are some pretty common pain points that are a part of a blended family. We\u2019ll hear about those today from Michele Cushatt. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. You were a gymnast, growing up; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I thought you were talking to me, Bob. [Laughter] No; I wasn\u2019t.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know better.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019ve seen that; that is not a good sight.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She has seen my cartwheel.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the things\u2014when gymnasts are being judged for their routine or whatever it is they are doing, the judges take into account the degree of difficulty in what they are doing. The simpler the routine\u2014you can\u2019t get a 10 if you do a really simple routine; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Look at you.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re even an expert at gymnastics.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He might be an Olympic judge\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014or something in his private life.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reason that I\u2019m thinking about this is because, in marriage, there are degree of difficulty issues in marriage as well.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wow! That was a jump.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good transition; I like it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> See, what I did there\u2014jump.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That is a jump.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was a vault.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Couples in a first marriage are going to experience challenges and difficulties. Couples in a blended marriage\/a second marriage have a new level of degree of difficulty that\u2019s been brought in. That\u2019s going to make the routine harder, but you can score more points if you\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s good; that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014can do it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If you can do it. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s absolutely right.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to hear a message today that comes from the Summit on Stepfamily Ministries that FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> hosted back a few months ago. Ron Deal gives leadership to this. One of the speakers at the summit is an author and a platform speaker. She and her husband are in a blended family, and they have also adopted kids.\n\nAs you listen to Michele, she is going to talk about the most common pain points that couples in a blended family experience. You also need to know that she is a three-time head-and-neck cancer survivor. On top of the challenges you would face in a marriage or in a blended relationship, she\u2019s had those challenges. And you\u2019ll hear, as she speaks, that she is a cancer survivor; you can hear it in her voice. Here is Michele.\n\n[Previous Message]\n\n<strong>Michele:<\/strong> We need to understand what the primary pain points are for blended families so we can help. If we don\u2019t understand pain, then we can\u2019t connect with the people.\n\nThe first primary pain point is simply emotions. This does not surprise you; but we need to understand a little bit the complexity of the emotions that take place in a blended family because a blended family is a trauma circumstance. Regardless of how you ended up in a blended family, they\u2019ve experienced some kind of trauma. Whether it was a death, a divorce\u2014some kind of like Ron talked about: the raging waters\/the white waters\u2014it is a traumatic experience.\n\nWe need to understand how the body and brain responds to trauma and why it elicits the emotions that it does. The truth is people who have endured loss, trauma, and pain don\u2019t behave well. It\u2019s not just bad behavior; loss, and trauma, and pain changes the brain.\n\nI\u2019ve read all kinds of books. I am not a psychologist\/a psychiatrist; but I\u2019m a mom, who was in the trenches of trauma every day, and who has experienced it herself. I\u2019ve done <em>tons<\/em> of research on trauma and what happens to the brain. One of my favorite books on trauma is a book called <em>The Body Keeps the Score<\/em> by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. It\u2019s very clinical; it\u2019s a thick, hard read.\n\nLet me tell you\u2014if you want to develop a sense of empathy for people, who have gone through complex trauma of all different kinds, spend just a little time in that book. I\u2019m going to read one quote. It\u2019s going to sound very clinical, but I want you to hang with me. This is what he says in that book: \u201cResearch has revealed that trauma produces actual physiological changes; including a recalibration of the brain\u2019s alarm system, an increase in stress hormone activity, and alterations in the system that filters relevant information from irrelevant.\u201d\n\nI want you to hear that: the brain alarm system has gone haywire; stress hormones go way up; and the system that filters important or relevant information from irrelevant is kind of all catawampus, so you\u2019re not able to filter what kind of information matters. All of that is a problem, by the way. That makes it very hard to function with complex humans when those systems go down.\n\n\u201cWe now know that trauma compromises the brain area that communicates the physical embodied feeling of being alive. These changes explain why traumatized individuals become,\u201d\u2014listen to this\u2014\u201chyper-vigilant to threats.\u201d If you\u2019ve ever counseled with somebody in those situations, they are hyper\u2014everything <em>feels<\/em> like it\u2019s personal; everything feels like a personal attack. \u201cThey are hyper-vigilant to anything that feels like a threat at the expense of spontaneously engaging in their day-to-day lives.\u201d In other words, they are on alert all the time. \u201cThey also help us understand why traumatized people so often keep repeating the same problems and have such trouble learning from experience. We now know that the behaviors are not the result of moral failings, or signs of a lack of willpower, or bad character; they are caused by actual changes in the brain.\u201d\n\nSo many times we so focus on core behavior, we forget we\u2019re dealing with wounded people. We are so worried about correcting what they are doing wrong that we forget to sit with them and mourn.\n\nWhen people go through trauma\u2014and there are lots of different levels\u2014but divorce\u2014let me tell you: divorce <em>destroyed<\/em> me. It took all these other years, and all these consecutive traumas and losses, for me to finally validate the trauma of my divorce. It\u2019s been 22 years since my divorce, and it\u2019s taken other things for me to finally go back and realize that that was significant. We have such a bad habit\u2014especially in the church, at times\u2014of expecting people to put on an unflappable, perfect faith and behave well when they come to church.\n\nWe need to understand that emotions are a <em>significant<\/em> pain point. Some of the emotions\u2014okay?\u2014some of those emotions are literally a physiological response to very hard circumstances. Hyper-vigilance\u2014you\u2019ll see that. Hyper-vigilance, reactivity\u2014anybody ever seen reactivity in blended families? Children and adults repeating dysfunctional patterns\u2014did you hear that in that quote by Dr. Van der Kolk? Repeating dysfunctional patterns; and either isolation and withdrawal <em>or<\/em> codependency and clingy behavior\u2014it\u2019s one of those two. There are attachment styles\u2014I won\u2019t get into that\u2014but when we are stressed and triggered, we default to either kind of our uncomfortable attachment styles; so either that isolation, detachment, withdrawal <em>or<\/em> excessive clingy, codependent kind of behavior. I know you\u2019ve seen this.\n\nOkay; \u201cSo how do we help?\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ve identified the emotions. How do we help?\u201d First of all, the most important thing is to create emotional safety. You have to make them feel safe; the trauma brain needs to feel safe. Basically, the trauma brain\u2014when people go through hard things, it\u2019s a smoke detector going off\u2014it\u2019s going\u201d \u201cBeep, beep, beep, beep, beep.\u201d\n\nNow, if you\u2019re in your house, and your smoke detector is going off, you can keep doing your regular activities and get your chores done. How effective is it?\u2014I mean, what happens the longer the smoke detector goes off? What do you feel happening to you? [Gasp] \u201cI\u2019m going to scream!\u201d That smoke detector\u2014you want to throw something at the ceiling if you could find it, but we never can find the smoke detector that is actually going off; right? [Laughter]\n\nThe brain is operating like a smoke detector. The trauma brain is going off; it\u2019s sensing danger. The way that we help the brain calm down is creating emotional safety. That begins with, first of all, looking beyond the loudest emotion. Train yourself to see <em>beyond<\/em> the behavior and the loudest emotion. Don\u2019t take it personally. When you see somebody behaving badly, [you should be] going: \u201cThey don\u2019t feel\/they are afraid; they don\u2019t feel safe. Something in their body\u2014the alarm\u2019s going off. I need to create safety.\u201d Sometimes, it\u2019s just simply saying: \u201cI see you. I see how hard this is for you.\u201d Sit with them in it.\n\nThe other piece, and Ron mentioned this earlier, is you need to the\u2014you may need a referral yourself. Other people\u2019s trauma triggers our own. You need to do your own hard work; you and I need to do our own hard work of investing in our own emotional wholeness and health. When we are grounded\u2014when we have done the work of being self-aware and identify our own triggers\/our own things\u2014we can hold space for people with really loud emotions.\n\nAlright; pain point number one is emotions. Pain point number two: parenting. We\u2019ve talked about this a lot. Blended families\u2014parenting is hard no matter what\u2014but parenting in a blended family situation is so difficult\/so incredibly difficult. I now have three kids from trauma, who I\u2019ve adopted into our family. They\u2019ve been with us eight years. When things get hard, you know what they say?\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re not my mom.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve rescued you from poverty and chaos, and that\u2019s what you say to me!\u201d [Laughter] It\u2019s every day.\n\nParenting is hard; it\u2019s complex, so what do we do? When you have these blended families, you have the complex emotions. Then you have the birth order disruption. You\u2019ve got parental loyalties that come into play. You have the introduction of new relationships. In the middle of all of that, you have people, who have already been abandoned at some point in time; so you have this ongoing fear of abandonment, a sense of aloneness, a fear of being forgotten, and\u2014this was my boys\u2019 biggest difficulty\/actually, all my kids\u2019 difficulty\u2014they feel different from everybody else. Just in case you don\u2019t remember what middle school was like\u2014being different is about the worst thing in the <em>entire<\/em> world.\n\nOn top of the differences, there is constant\u2014and I mean constant\u2014guilt and shame. We have this realization that: \u201cI am different than everybody else,\u201d\u2014and by the way, I\u2019ve felt different too; because I now was a divorced woman in church, not the married woman in church. I\u2019m different from everyone else, and I\u2019m pretty sure it\u2019s my fault. That is true for adults and children alike. Do you know how living with that reality\/that underlying sense\u2014talk about shame. Our blended family friends are carrying around a bag of shame so heavy every single day; it\u2019s a wonder they make it to church at all.\n\n\u201cHow do we help?\u201d To begin, we commit to inclusivity\u2014commit to inclusivity. This is what I mean. We were having some really hard time with teenagers at the time, and I sat down with one of my <em>best<\/em> friends. I just needed to know I wasn\u2019t alone. I sat down with one of my best friends\u2014dear, dear friend\u2014and I shared with her what was going on. This was her response: \u201cWell, you know, they come from a broken family. It\u2019s to be expected.\u201d She didn\u2019t mean anything by it; but in that moment, what I learned is: \u201cI\u2019m doomed to failure,\u201d and \u201cI better not ask for help; because if I do, I will be told this is basically my fault; and it\u2019s not going to get any better.\u201d\n\nDo you want to know how many times I\u2019ve heard the word, \u201c broken family,\u201d over the last 20 years? The reality is technically speaking. I understand what they are saying; but the reality is: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m being really technical: \u201cEvery one of us is part of a broken family, because we are part of sinful creation\u2014every single one of us. If you\u2019re okay with me\u2014like how about I introduce you at an event: \u2018This is my friend, Tom. He\u2019s a sinner\u201d? [Laughter] Okay; it may be the facts, but we don\u2019t usually like to lead with that. When people introduce [me]: \u201cThis is Michele; she\u2019s from a broken family,\u201d\u2014why do we think that\u2019s okay?\n\nOne of the best things you can do, when it comes to parenting, is erase even that phrase from your vocabulary. Don\u2019t use the phrase, \u201cbroken family,\u201d anymore; it\u2019s such a <em>loaded<\/em> phrase. I mean, if you want to privately, I guess I can\u2019t control what you do; but when you hang out with somebody, who has a very complex family like this, let\u2019s just get rid of that; because you know what? Jesus came for the broken, and that\u2019s every one of us.\n\nOkay; third pain point: marriage. It\u2019s not a big leap from pain point one, emotions; pain point two, parenting; to marriage\u2014okay?\u2014it\u2019s just hard. Many other people have talked about this already; I won\u2019t spend a lot of time here; but when you have emotional volatility, and complex parenting schedules, and kids coming and going on Mondays and Wednesdays and every other weekend and summers\u2014I mean, the last thing you are going to have energy for is your marriage.\n\nWhen you have kids from trauma, they demand a lot of attention; they tend to be really loud. Like our\u2014we have six of them; thank You, Jesus, for giving me extra practice. [Laughter] The marriage is very hard to have anything\u2014have any kind of priority\/energy to invest in the marriage. Then you have that fear, guilt, shame as well that causes isolation or clingy behavior. It just messes with all of that.\n\nSo: \u201cWhat do we do? How do we help?\u201d\u2014right? First of all, you need to, as we\u2019ve talked about, provide compassionate resources. We don\u2019t just throw resources at people. Compassion means immersion\u2014compassionate resources. Remember: these are people, not statistics. Don\u2019t assume\u2014you want to know how many times somebody has told me, \u201cYou know, second marriages\u2014like two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce\u201d? I wanted to say: \u201cI\u2019m not a statistic. I\u2019m a <em>person<\/em>. Your statistics aren\u2019t helping me.\u201d When we come up and we quote statistics about the failure of second marriages and third marriages\u2014or however you want to say it\u2014or blended families and all of this, we aren\u2019t helping. Let\u2019s be a voice of hope, not of doom; so provide compassionate resources.\n\nAsk for and <em>listen<\/em> to their stories. Do you know how healing it is to be able to tell your story? They won\u2019t say it right; they\u2019ll probably be critical, and negative, or bitter, or whatever\u2014ask for and <em>listen<\/em>.\n\nIntentionally and regularly provide specific resources and events for blended families; but especially\u2014this is kind of different than some of the things here\u2014I want you to provide opportunities, where they can simply laugh, connect, enjoy each other and other people. Many times, they go to conferences to learn how to do it better; but let me tell you\u2014these families don\u2019t have many opportunities to just laugh their heads off. Create opportunities for them to have fun. Being in a blended family with all these complex things, we don\u2019t get to always laugh very often.\n\nPain point number four: special days. Special days\u2014this is what I mean: we have Christmas, Thanksgiving\u2014loaded holidays. Holidays are loaded; and regardless of how you ended up in your blended family\u2014[whether] it is death, or adoption, or divorce, or whatever\u2014regardless of how you ended up there, we have Christmas and Thanksgiving; those are loaded.\n\nBut don\u2019t forget days like birthdays; spring break; fall break; summer break; Memorial Day; Labor Day; Easter; Valentine\u2019s Day, when they are doing boxes; Halloween, when they are doing costumes; Mother\u2019s Day; Father\u2019s Day; first day of school; last day of school; sporting events; homecoming; prom; there are teacher conferences; graduation; weddings; grandbabies. What\u2019s so interesting is\u2014so much of the church calendar is centered around special days. It makes it <em>very<\/em> hard, as someone from a blended family, to go to church on special days; because it\u2019s like navigating landmines. Even if I\u2019m in a good space, my children may not be.\n\nWhat I\u2019d like to do is give you some questions to ask, even around these special days, to help you be a bit of an investigator. I\u2019m not going to tell you what programs to do\u2014that\u2019s not what this is about\u2014it\u2019s about having conversations with the local people and asking them questions like this: \u201cWhat is the hardest thing in your life right now?\u201d \u201cWhat is breaking your heart the most today?\u201d \u201cWhat do you need more than anything?\u201d If there is one thing that you need, what do you need more than anything?\u201d \u201cHow can we love you well?\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re so valuable to us; how can we love you well right here?\u201d \u201cWhat would make you feel less alone?\u201d \u201cI would imagine, with everything you\u2019ve gone through, that you feel alone; and that\u2019s a <em>horrible<\/em> feeling. What can we do? What would help you feel less alone?\u201d\n\nThen say this\u2014oh, man, this is what I want you to say instead of \u201cbroken family\u201d\u2014these words: \u201cGuess what? We\u2019re all <em>family<\/em>. We\u2019re in this together. We are family; we\u2019re in this together.\u201d\n\nFinal pain point\u2014and this will be kind of hard to swallow\u2014but it\u2019s really the church. The hardest place for my family to go every week is church. There\u2019s\u2014and I love the church\u2014Jesus\u2019s bride is <em>beautiful<\/em>; I love the church, but it\u2019s a hard place for our family to go; because we don\u2019t fit in a box. My kids don\u2019t always function well in Sunday school classes. One day, we went in, and they were handing out snacks\u2014bananas. Because my son was starved when he was a child, he doesn\u2019t take <em>one<\/em>; by the time we picked him up, he had eaten <em>five<\/em> bananas in half an hour and was physically sick. We needed to have somebody that was aware of that enough that they set a limit; but there\u2019s a lack of education about how to respond to kids from complex situations like that.\n\nFive pain points: again, emotions, parenting, marriage, special days, and finally the church. How do we help? We create emotional safety. We commit to inclusivity. We provide compassion\u2014compassionate resources. We identify our biases and develop sensitivity, and then we prioritize connection\u2014prioritize connection. Connection is what is going to heal. Programs are not going to heal; people will. We don\u2019t need more programs; we need more people\u2014relationship. The good news is Jesus, Himself, showed us how to do it.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, again, we\u2019ve been listening to a message from Michele Cushatt about the common pain points in a blended family. I <em>really<\/em> liked the fact that she, not only was able to identify the pain points; but she is able to provide the encouragement for how to <em>deal<\/em> with those pain points. The pain is real; the challenges are real, but the help that comes from the Lord is real as well. Blended couples\u2014the degree of difficulty\u2014we talked about this earlier: the degree of difficulty is high, but couples can do this; can\u2019t they?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s really <em>good<\/em> for the church to be aware of what\u2019s happening in blended families, especially for those who have never gone through this; because she really identifies things that blended families are struggling with; but how we can step in, as a church, and really meet some of those needs.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and I would add\u2014Bob, you\u2019re right\u2014the degree of difficulty is a whole different thing; because you look at these five pressure points\u2014every marriage and family has these.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But this is like times 100.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was going to say \u201c\u2026times 10\u201d; but boy oh boy, if you are in a blended situation, it\u2019s the same thing; but it\u2019s <em>much<\/em> more difficult and much more complex.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And we\u2019ve got resources to help couples, who are in blended families. Ron Deal has written a book called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>; that\u2019s a great help. There\u2019s a video series that goes along with that that is available. Michele has written a book called <em>Relentless<\/em> that addresses a lot of these themes\u2014the pain and suffering that she has been through in her own life.\n\nAlso, we\u2019ve got an event coming up in April\u2014April 25<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014in Houston that is going to be live-streamed all around the world. It is our annual <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> event. Ron Deal gives leadership to that. Gary Chapman will be there, along with Laura Petherbridge and Bill Butterworth\u2014others. This event is going to be unpacking how to understand and apply the idea of the five love languages in a blended family\u2014how that should and should not be applied in a blended family\u2014because there are unique dynamics at play there.\n\nInformation about the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> event; the other resources that are available; Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014all of that is available online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Call if you have any questions: 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or the number to call is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nDavid Robbins, who is the president of FamilyLife,<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> is here with us. I\u2019m <em>so glad<\/em> we have the opportunity to be able to share stuff like this, not only on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, but now, through the podcast network that we\u2019ve developed over the past year. We\u2019re touching a whole lot more people as a result of this.\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m really grateful, actually, for our partners\u2014people who pray for us regularly; people who financially invest with FamilyLife\u2014because it enables us to do new initiatives like this to reach more homes and to engage more homes with the help that <em>they<\/em> need. The FamilyLife Podcast Network is one of those new initiatives this past year that features programs like Ron Deal\u2019s, FamilyLife Blended podcast.\n\nI just want to say: \u201cFor those of you who help us do these new initiatives, thank you for standing with us and thank you for your passion to speak to the heart of every home.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Thank you, David.\n\nBe sure to join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to introduce you to the man whose story has just been made into a major motion picture that is going to be in theaters this weekend. Jeremy Camp will be here; and we\u2019ll hear the story that led to the movie, <em>I Still Believe<\/em>. That\u2019s tomorrow. I hope you can join us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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