{"id":305800,"date":"2020-03-03T08:01:04","date_gmt":"2020-03-03T13:01:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/how-to-apologize\/"},"modified":"2020-03-03T08:01:04","modified_gmt":"2020-03-03T13:01:04","slug":"how-to-apologize","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-apologize\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Apologize"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Guest: Gary Chapman | You may know your spouse&#8217;s love language, but do you know their &#8220;Apology Language&#8221;? Gary Chapman walks us through the important steps to apologizing and seeking forgiveness with your spouse.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tBook now for the Love Like You Mean It\u00ae marriage cruise. https:\/\/www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com\/<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<br \/>\n \tHave the FamilyLife Today\u00ae podcast and resources helped you?\u00a0 Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You may know your spouse&#8217;s love language, but do you know their &#8220;Apology Language&#8221;? Gary Chapman walks us through the important steps to apologizing and seeking forgiveness with your spouse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-03.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:40:22","filesize":"36.96M","filesize_raw":"38754740","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2908,2827,2862],"tags":[5251],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3353],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305800","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forgiveness","category-repentance","category-understanding-differences","tag-cruise","cwp_profile-gary-chapman","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305800\/how-to-apologize","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305800\/how-to-apologize","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"uTOtcvQUgf\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-apologize\/\">How to Apologize<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-apologize\/embed\/#?secret=uTOtcvQUgf\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;How to Apologize&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"uTOtcvQUgf\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"You may know your spouse's love language, but do you know their \"Apology Language\"? Gary Chapman walks us through the important steps to apologizing and seeking forgiveness with your spouse.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2020-03-03.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Resolving conflict in marriage is an important skill to learn. It involves confession and seeking forgiveness. Dr. Gary Chapman says it\u2019s a skill that does not come easily for a lot of people.\n\n<strong>Gary:<\/strong> Some of us were taught by our parents <em>not<\/em> to apologize. In fact, our research indicates that about ten percent of the population almost never apologizes. Most of them are men; and they learned it from their fathers, who said to them, \u201cReal men don\u2019t apologize.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, March 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. There are some pretty specific do\u2019s and don\u2019ts when it comes to seeking and granting forgiveness. We\u2019ll hear more about that today from Dr. Gary Chapman. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us for the Tuesday edition. I know it\u2019s still chilly in most of the country, but we had some warmth and sunshine for a week a couple of weeks ago. We were on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise with 5,500 of our closest friends. That was amazing; this was the biggest cruise ship we\u2019ve been on.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But it didn\u2019t feel crowded.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>There were so many people, but the ship was so big\u2014it didn\u2019t even feel like it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The ship is still out there; it\u2019s still coming in\u2014it\u2019s so long. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That thing is so\u2014it\u2019s just coming into port. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve gotten off, but it hasn\u2019t gotten completely in yet.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was a long, long boat\u2014and wide.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It was <em>wonderful<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Part of what makes it wonderful is that we have the whole boat. Every line you\u2019re in or whatever room you\u2019re in, you start talking to the people next to you: \u201cWhere are you from? How did you hear about this?\u201d It\u2019s just like you\u2019re talking to old friends!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes. And they are really nice people!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I didn\u2019t meet anybody mean.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s because we\u2019re all-in-the-sun people. Everything feels better in the sun. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I still have a tan; don\u2019t I?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, you\u2014no, you don\u2019t. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Your head\u2019s been peeling a bit.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, it is peeling.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had a chance on the cruise to hear from Dr. Gary Chapman, and we want our listeners to hear a part of his message today. First of all, let me just remind you that we\u2019re about 60 percent sold out for next year\u2019s cruise. As a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener, if you\u2019d like to join us, our team has put together a special offer that\u2019s good until March 16. It\u2019s the best offer we make all year; you save $300 per couple off the cost of your stateroom. You need to sign up before March 16 to take advantage of the special offer.\n\nWe expect the cruise may be sold out before the end of March; so if you\u2019re, at all, interested in joining us on the 2021 <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Do it soon\u2014reserve your spot now\u2014call and get more information at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nAlright; we are going to hear, as I said, the first part of a message from the cruise from Dr. Gary Chapman, who is, of course, the author of <em>The Five Love Languages<\/em>. He\u2019s the author of <em>dozens<\/em> of books. He spoke to us about how important it is for us to learn the fine art\u2014as he says it: \u201cLearn to speak the language of apology.\u201d\n\n[Recorded Message]\n\n<strong>Gary: <\/strong>I want to jump right in tonight. I want to suggest that there\u2019s two essentials to long-term healthy marriages. Number one is: \u201cWe have to keep love and appreciation in the marriage,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s where the love language comes in. You can have a long-term marriage without that. We all know people who have been married for 30\/40 years, but they\u2019re like roommates; they don\u2019t have a healthy marriage. They have a long-term marriage, but not a healthy marriage.\n\nThe second is essential is that: \u201cWe have to deal effectively with our failures.\u201d The reason I say that is an essential is because none of us are perfect. We don\u2019t have to be perfect to have a long-term healthy marriage, but we do have to deal effectively with our failures; that involves apologizing and forgiving.\n\nNow, the Bible is very big on this topic:\n\nListen to these words; this is Proverbs 28, verse13: \u201cHe who conceals his sins does not prosper. But he who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.\u201d That\u2019s true of our relationship with God, but it\u2019s also true on the human level.\n\nListen to these words; Isaiah 59, verse 2: \u201cYour iniquities have separated you from your God. Your sins have hidden His face from you so that He will not hear.\u201d When we sin against God, we create a barrier between us and God. Until we confess, the barrier remains there.\n\nListen to what Jesus said about this; this is Matthew 5, verse 23: \u201cIf you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go be reconciled with your brother, and then come back and offer your gift.\u201d He\u2019s pretty big on this whole matter of dealing with our failures.\n\nLet me ask the question: \u201cWhere do we learn to apologize?\u201d\u2014typically, from our parents. Little Johnny pushes his sister down the stairs; and mother says: \u201cJohnny! Don\u2019t do that to your sister! Go tell her you\u2019re sorry.\u201d Little Johnny says, \u201cI sorry,\u201d even if he\u2019s not. He\u2019s 23 now; he\u2019s married; he offends his wife. What will he say?\u2014\u201cI sorry.\u201d\n\nSome of us were taught by our parents <em>not<\/em> to apologize. In fact, our research indicates that about ten percent of the population almost never apologizes. Most of them are men; and they learned it from their fathers, who said to them, \u201cReal men don\u2019t apologize.\u201d I want to say to those guys: \u201cYou probably had a good dad, but he had bad information. Real men <em>do <\/em>apologize.\u201d\n\nWe typically are taught, most of us, some manner of apologizing to our spouse. The question we\u2019re asking in our mind, when someone\u2019s apologizing to us, is: \u201cAre they sincere?\u201d If we judge them to be sincere, it\u2019s fairly easy to forgive; but if we think they\u2019re just trying to whitewash things, it\u2019s more difficult to forgive.\n\nMy co-author in the book I wrote on this topic and I did two years of research, trying to find out: \u201cWhat does a sincere apology look like? How would you recognize it if you heard it or you saw it?\u201d We asked thousands of people, all over the country, two questions: \u201cWhen you apologize, what do you typically say or do?\u201d Second question: \u201cWhen someone apologizes to you, what do you want to hear them say and do?\u201d\n\nTheir answers fell into five categories. I promise you\u2014we were not looking for five. I like five, but we were not looking for five. We call them \u201cthe five languages of apology.\u201d Just as we have a love language, we also have an apology language. I want to share these with you. Incidentally, all of them are found in the Bible, which leads me to say: \u201cAnything you discover in social research, if it\u2019s really true, it will never contradict the Bible. In fact, most of the time, you will find it illustrated in the Bible.\u201d\n\nLet me list these for you. I want you to think in terms, as I do this, of what you consider to be a sincere apology. Number one\u2014and these are in no particular order\u2014number one is: \u201cExpressing regret\u201d:\n\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry that I came home an hour-and-a-half late, and we missed the program. I know you wanted to go.\u201d\n\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry that I lost my temper and yelled at you.\u201d\n\nDon\u2019t every use the words, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d alone; tell them what you\u2019re sorry <em>for<\/em>. If you just say to your spouse, \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d they may well be thinking: \u201cYou certainly <em>are<\/em>! [Laughter] Is there anything <em>else<\/em> you want to say?\u201d You think you\u2019re apologizing; they think you\u2019re giving a character report. Tell them what you\u2019re sorry for, <em>and<\/em> don\u2019t <em>ever<\/em> add the word, \u201cbut\u2026\u2014\u201cI\u2019m sorry that I lost my temper and yelled at you; <em>but<\/em> if you had not\u2026then I would not\u2026\u201d Now, you\u2019re not longer apologizing; you\u2019re now blaming <em>them<\/em> for your poor behavior.\n\nSome of you may have that habit, so let me tell you how to break it. The next time you hear yourself say to your spouse or anyone else, \u201cI\u2019m sorry that I dah-dah-dah; <em>but<\/em>\u201d you stop right there and say, \u201cExcuse me; erase the \u2018but.\u2019\u201d You will not erase it, but three times, and you\u2019ll break that habit.\n\nThis is illustrated in the prodigal son; listen to this\u2014Luke, Chapter 15, verse 21\u2014he comes back home to his father. He says, \u201cI\u2019m no longer worthy to be called your son. Dad, if you could just give me a job on the farm.\u201d Do you sense his regret? In this language, we\u2019re trying to communicate to the other person, \u201cI feel badly about what I did. I\u2019m hurting because I hurt <em>you<\/em>.\u201d\n\nPsalm 51:17; listen to what David says: \u201cA broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.\u201d I don\u2019t care what you\u2019ve done. You come to God with a broken heart over what you\u2019ve done\u2014regretting what you\u2019ve done and how it\u2019s hurt other people\u2014God is always ready to forgive you. Typically, on the human plane, that\u2019s what we\u2019re trying to do; we\u2019re trying to communicate how we <em>regret<\/em> what we did.\n\nNumber two is: \u201cAccepting responsibility\u201d: \u201cI was wrong. I take full responsibility.\u201d Some of us have trouble admitting that we were wrong. I remember, years ago when our children were little, I got up one morning and I said to Karolyn, \u201cHoney, where\u2019s my briefcase?\u201d She said, \u201cI haven\u2019t seen it.\u201d I said: \u201cKarolyn, think! I know where it was; who else would have moved it?!\u201d She said, \u201cGary, I haven\u2019t seen your briefcase.\u201d\n\nI said, \u201cKarolyn, I have to get these kids to school!\u201d I got the kids in the car; I drove them to school; I was kind to the kids: \u201cHave a nice day; dah-dah-dah-dah.\u201d But when I drove from the school to the church, where my office is, I was thinking: \u201cHow could I have married such a scatter-brained woman?\u00a0 I mean, this time, she\u2019s lost my briefcase. I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do!\u201d\n\nWhen I got to church, I did not go in by all of the secretaries and administrative assistants; I went in the back door to my office. Folks, when you\u2019ve sinned, you don\u2019t want to see people. I walked in, and there was my briefcase. [Laughter] I called her\u2014I said: \u201cHi, babe. I found my briefcase.\u201d She didn\u2019t say anything; she knew there ought to be more to it than that. [Laughter] I said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry for the way I talked to you. I was [stammers] wrong.\u201d I didn\u2019t say it was easy!\n\nLet\u2019s just see if you can say those words: \u201cI was wrong.\u201d Let\u2019s try it out loud: \u201cI\u2014was\u2014wrong.\u201d Some of you had trouble even on a dry run!\u2014admitting that we\u2019re wrong.\n\nMy son was in the kitchen with me; he was probably six or seven years old. He accidently knocked a glass off the table; it hit the floor and broke. I turned and looked at him; and he said, \u201cIt did it by itself!\u201d [Laughter] I said, \u201cDerek, let\u2019s say that a different way: \u2018I accidently knocked the glass off the table.\u2019\u201d He said [sobbing], \u201cI accidently knocked the glass off the table!\u201d It\u2019s not a sin to accidently knock a glass off the table; I\u2019m just trying to teach him how to accept responsibility for his behavior\u2014what he did\u2014being willing to acknowledge what he did.\n\nListen to this\u2014also from the prodigal son; Luke 15, verse 21\/same verse\u2014he says to his father, \u201cI have sinned against heaven and against you.\u201d Incidentally, if you\u2019ve sinned against your spouse, you\u2019ve sinned against God. The Bible says to be kind of one another; and we\u2019re not kind\u2014we\u2019ve sinned against God. We need to confess to God <em>and<\/em> our spouse. First John 1:9: \u201cIf we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins.\u201d The word, \u201cconfess,\u201d means to \u201cagree with.\u201d If we agree with God that we have sinned, then God is fully willing to forgive us.\n\nThen, number three is: \u201cMaking restitution or <em>offering <\/em>to make restitution\u201d: \u201cWhat can I do to make this right?\u201d I know you guys would never do this, but let\u2019s say you forget your anniversary\u2014no flowers, no candy, no dinner\u2014<em>nothing<\/em>. You\u2019re sitting there that night, you look over on the couch; and she\u2019s crying. You say, \u201cHoney, what\u2019s wrong?!\u201d She says, \u201cI can\u2019t believe you don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong!\u201d\n\nIt dawns on you; I doubt that \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d is going to hack it. But if you say: \u201cHoney, I am so sorry. On Monday, I thought about making reservations and, then, I forgot about it. Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I have blown it big time. Oh, honey; oh, honey; but-but-but-but look, honey. I know we can\u2019t do anything tonight, <em>but<\/em>\u00a0 we can still\u2014we can still celebrate. What can I do to make it up to you? What can I do?\u201d She doesn\u2019t have an idea. \u201cSign me up for the next year on this cruise,\u201d\u2014she\u2019d probably do that!\u2014yeah, yeah, yeah!\n\nNumber four is: \u201cGenuinely repenting or expressing the desire to change.\u201d I shared this with a lady in my office\u2014she said: \u201cGary, I could give you a perfect example of that. Several years ago, when our baby was little, my husband was taking care of the baby; and I was doing some other stuff. The baby was crying. He did everything he could to get the baby to stop crying, and he lost his temper. He picked up our baby, and started shaking our baby. When he did, I grabbed the baby and said, \u2018Don\u2019t do that to our baby!\u2019 I ran to the bedroom, just sobbing.\u201d\n\nShe said: \u201cTen minutes later, he knocked on the door. He said [sobbing], \u2018Honey, I can\u2019t believe I did that! You know I love our baby. Can we talk and get a plan, so I won\u2019t do that again?\u2019\u201d She said, \u201cGary, I sensed he was so sincere that I freely forgave him, even though what he did was <em>horrible<\/em>.\u201d You see, when she sensed the desire to change his behavior, she sensed his sincerity.\n\nSee, when we apologize\u2014and then next week or next month we do the same thing again, and we apologize again; and then we do the same thing the next time; and the same thing the next time; the same thing the next time\u2014our spouse is thinking, \u201cHow could you be sincere when you make <em>no effort<\/em> to change the behavior?\u201d\n\nFor some people, this is what they\u2019re waiting for. If you don\u2019t express the desire to change your behavior\u2014that\u2019s what repent means: \u201cto turn around: leave the behavior; turn in the other direction.\u201d Listen to these words; Acts 2, verse 38: \u201cRepent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, for the forgiveness of sins.\u201d Repentance is big in the mind of God. We don\u2019t even enter the kingdom until we learn to repent of our sins to God.\n\nThen number five is actually: \u201cRequesting forgiveness\u201d: \u201cWill you forgive me? I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.\u201d For some people, this is what they\u2019re waiting for. I have to be honest; this one was not on my radar. I thought: \u201cIf I was apologizing in any manner, wouldn\u2019t you know that I want to be forgiven? Why would I be apologizing?\u201d\n\nMy co-author shared this with her mother. Her mother said: \u201cI can give\u00a0 you an example of that at work. I have a friend at work; we\u2019ve been friends for 15 years,\u201d\u2014I mean, close friends\u2014\u201cI noticed the last few days, she\u2019d been a little cold; so I said to her on a break, \u2018Is everything alright between you and me?\u2019\u201d Incidentally, that\u2019s the way friends talk; if you think something\u2019s wrong in the relationship, <em>you ask.<\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\nHer friend said: \u201cDo you know one of the things that bothers me about you? You don\u2019t ever apologize.\u201d Her mother said, \u201cI was shocked!\u201d She said, \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d [The friend] said, \u201cDo you remember two weeks ago, when you did dah-dah-dah-dah-dah?\u201d She said, \u201cYes, I do remember that; but I told you I was sorry.\u201d The lady said, \u201cI know, but you didn\u2019t ask me to forgive you.\u201d Her mother said, \u201cI was shocked again\u201d; [she] said: \u201cLet me ask you to forgive me, because I value our relationship. Will you please forgive me?\u201d The lady said, \u201cSure!\u201d It wasn\u2019t that she did not want to forgive her; it was, in her mind, her mother had not apologized.\n\nWe have different ideas about what an apology means. Listen to what David said to God about his own sin; Psalm 51, verse 2: \u201dBlot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity. Cleanse me from my sin.\u201d Three different ways David is asking God to forgive him. Very biblical to ask God to forgive you; and very biblical to ask your spouse, or whomever you have harmed, to forgive you.\n\nWhat I\u2019m saying is this: \u201cEach of us has a primary apology language. Just like we have a primary love language, we have a primary apology language.\u201d You may never have thought about this before; but if you look back on your relationship, very likely, in your mind, you can look back to times when your spouse was apologizing. To you, it seemed rather lame; it seemed insincere to you. Chances are because they were apologizing in the way <em>they<\/em> had learned to apologize, but you were waiting for them to apologize in the way <em>you<\/em> learned to apologize. <em>Your<\/em> language was different from their language.\n\nIf you want to communicate your sincerity, we must learn to speak the other person\u2019s language. Just as you have to learn to speak their love language, you have to learn to speak their apology language.\n\nI was sharing this with a singles group before we ever published the book. Incidentally, the title of the book is <em>When Sorry Isn\u2019t Enough.<\/em> A couple came up to me after the event. I found out later they were engaged to each other. He said to me, \u201cI\u2019m not real glad I came to this thing tonight.\u201d I said: \u201cReally?\u201d I said, \u201cWhy?\u201d He said: \u201cWell, we sat back there and talked about what she considered to be a sincere apology. She told me that she wanted me to say, \u2018I\u2019m sorry.\u2019 I\u2019ve never said those words; I don\u2019t know if I can say those words. What\u2019s that going to mean when we get married?\u201d\n\nI said, \u201cWell, Carl,\u201d\u2014his name was Carl\u2014I said, \u201cCarl, have you ever done anything in your whole life that you\u2019ve regretted?\u201d He stood there a minute; and he said: \u201cWell, yeah, yeah, yeah. When my momma died, I came home for the funeral. I went out to the bar the night before the funeral, and I was just going to get a beer. I ended up getting drunk. The next morning at my mother\u2019s funeral, I had such a hangover that I don\u2019t remember anything that happened at my mother\u2019s funeral. I\u2019ve always felt like I let her down because Momma was always on my case about drinking too much. I\u2019ve always regretted that.\u201d\n\nI said, \u201cWell, Carl, if you could talk to your mother right now, what would you say?\u201d He said [sobbing]: \u201cI\u2019d tell her, \u2018Momma, I\u2019m sorry for what I did! I didn\u2019t mean to get drunk! I really didn\u2019t mean to. Momma, I\u2019m so sorry for what I did! I hope you forgive me, Momma, because I love you so much, Momma. I\u2019m just so sorry for what I did!\u2019\u201d I said, \u201c<em>Carl<\/em>, you know what you just did?!\u201d He said, \u201cYes, I told my Momma that \u2018I\u2019m sorry\u2019!\u201d\n\nA year later, they came to my marriage seminar, a Saturday morning. They walked down the aisle; they were married now. Carl said, \u201cDr. Chapman, I don\u2019t know if you remember me.\u201d I said, \u201cCarl, I\u2019d never forget you, man.\u201d [Laughter] He said, \u201cWell, we\u2019re married now.\u201d I said to her, \u201cDoes Carl know how to say, \u2018I\u2019m sorry\u2019?\u201d She said, \u201cDr. Chapman, he does.\u201d I said, \u201cDoes he speak your love language?\u201d She said, \u201cHe does.\u201d Then I asked the other way around: \u201cYes.\u201d\n\nWe can learn to speak any of these languages. Just like we can learn another love language that we didn\u2019t receive as a child, we can learn another apology language we did not receive as a child.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to, actually, the first part of a message from Dr. Gary Chapman on speaking the language of apology. I\u2019ll just mention\u2014if you\u2019d like to hear the entire message\u2014he went on for another 15\/20 minutes\u2014you can go to FamilyLifeToday.com, and the entire message is available there. What a <em>great<\/em> reminder that we\u2019ve got to be good at apology and forgiveness. I remember\/I think it was Billy Graham\u2019s wife, who said, \u201cA great marriage is the union of two great forgivers.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If we know how to forgive and give grace in marriage, it changes the complexion of everything.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; I have a question for you, Bob. For you and Mary Ann, who has the easier time asking forgiveness and apologizing?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think she would say I have the easier time asking for forgiveness, but she wonders how cheap it is; right? [Laughter] When I say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry; will you forgive me for that?\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cAre you really sorry?\u201d because it comes easily or quickly. That\u2019s a fair thing to ask: \u201cAm I really sorry?\u201d or \u201cAm I just trying to make peace real quickly?\u201d Real forgiveness and real apologies are serious business.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Who do you think is easier for us? That\u2019s what I want to know.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m embarrassed to say this\u2014Dave marked on his calendar the first time I apologized and admitted that I was wrong, because it was\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think it was year <em>nine<\/em> of our marriage. [Laughter] It wasn\u2019t <em>that<\/em> far, but\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I had a hard time\u2014it\u2019s pride. I had a hard time admitting that I was wrong.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not anymore. It took me awhile to say that, but not anymore. She\u2019s quick to ask forgiveness.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I would hope that listeners would go back and re-listen to what they just heard today and just ask the question, \u201cHow do I do?\u201d Maybe this is something you listen to together and say, \u201cHow are <em>we<\/em> doing at this?\u201d Again, this makes all the difference in the world in the strength and health of your marriage.\n\nI\u2019ll tell you what helps the strength and health of your marriage is to get a chance to get away, whether it\u2019s to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, or to join us on the cruise next year, Valentine\u2019s week. We\u2019re going to be heading out from Puerto Rico. We\u2019re going to be going to St. Martin; we\u2019re going to be going to Aruba. I can\u2019t even say the names of these other islands we\u2019re going. [Laughter] It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> trip for next year. We\u2019re about 60 percent full.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I was talking to someone on the deck in the sun. They were from Minnesota; they said: \u201cWe have never done this. We heard about it on Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>,\u201d and \u201cNext year, we\u2019re bringing the whole family.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We expect this is going to sell out over the next 30 days. Right now, for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, if you want to reserve a spot on the 2021 cruise, you need to do it quickly. If you do it before March 16, you\u2019ll save $300 per couple off your stateroom. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to find out more about the 2021 <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise, or call to reserve a spot at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u2014say, \u201cI want to reserve a spot on the <em>Love Like You Mean It <\/em>marriage cruise for next year.\u201d\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to take you to a session on the cruise where we, together with Dr. Juli Slattery, Gary Chapman, Ron Deal, Charlie and Kirstie Dates\u2014we answered questions from cruisers\u2014questions they had about marriage and family. Some of the questions were pretty stout; I mean, they were asking some pretty serious questions. You\u2019ll hear that dialogue\u2014the Q&amp;A questions\u2014from the cruise tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, who got some help from James Youngblood, and we should say Justin Adams, too; don\u2019t you think? On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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