{"id":305768,"date":"2020-02-19T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-02-19T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/loving-you-best\/"},"modified":"2020-02-19T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-02-19T11:00:05","slug":"loving-you-best","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-you-best\/","title":{"rendered":"Loving You Best"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Gary Chapman joins Ron Deal to talk about loving your blended family members through the five love languages: touch, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-02-19.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:56","filesize":"22.83M","filesize_raw":"23935369","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,10371,2894],"tags":[2585],"podcast_series":[8339],"cwp_profile":[3353,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305768","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-parenting-and-stepparenting","category-stepfamily-living","tag-blended-family","podcast_series-five-love-languages-and-blended-families","cwp_profile-gary-chapman","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305768\/loving-you-best","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305768\/loving-you-best","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"berRNIdd8K\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-you-best\/\">Loving You Best<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-you-best\/embed\/#?secret=berRNIdd8K\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Loving You Best&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"berRNIdd8K\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-02-19.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-02-19.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As parents, we realize that, when we love our children well, they thrive. Dr. Gary Chapman says we need to recognize that, when we love them poorly, that has an impact on them as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>A child\u2019s love language is words of affirmation, and you give them condemning words. It hurts that child more deeply, emotionally, than it would hurt another child. Or if quality time is their primary love language, and you send them to their room as a means of discipline, for example, that\u2019s severe discipline to that child, whereas another child would go in their room\u2014and they don\u2019t even know they\u2019re being disciplined\u2014they\u2019re in there, playing! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, February 19<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. How can we do the best possible job, as parents, of expressing love to our children so that they can most fully receive it? We\u2019re going to talk about that with Dr. Gary Chapman and with Ron Deal today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m wondering, \u201cDid you learn Ann\u2019s love language because she just told you, \u2018This is what it is,\u2019 or was it trial and error?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I learned it by reading a book, Bob. [Laughter] In some ways, that is true. I mean, no\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You read Gary Chapman\u2019s book, <em>The Five Love Languages.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I read it\u2014seventh year; no, we were married a decade\u2014but I did <em>not<\/em> understand her love language till I saw it written out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We not only talked about it, we did an entire series at our church on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m sure a lot of people did; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You were figuring it out while you\u2019re doing the series; is that what you\u2019re saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We actually wrote a drama skit. A husband was talking to his wife, and he was talking to her in an actual different language. Do you remember that, Dave?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I can remember this lightbulb going off, thinking: \u201cThis is what has been going on in our marriage. I am not hearing Dave, and he\u2019s not hearing me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you remember looking at the list of: Physical touch, Quality time, Words of affirmation, Gifts: \u201cWhat am I missing?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Gary doesn\u2019t remember! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Acts of service.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Acts of service; thank you, Ann. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, do you remember looking at that list and going, \u201cOh, I know what Dave\u2019s is\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It was like, \u201cDuh!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I can remember thinking, \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to give it to him.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s a program right there!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>This is why we need Ron Deal with us, because he needs to counsel us!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We have two counselors in here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I know!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Can you guys do some work <em>right now<\/em>? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ron Deal and Gary Chapman joining us, again, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Gentlemen, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary and Ron: <\/strong>Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Gary, of course, is the author of <em>The Five Love Languages<\/em>, the book that has now sold\u2014how many million?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Over 12 million now in English.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>How many languages?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Over 50 languages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>I\u2019m amazed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon is the head of FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>,and the author of the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, that sold how many\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Don\u2019t do that to me! I\u2019m not saying. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Over 100,000 copies sold? That\u2019s not\u2014there\u2019s nothing to sneeze at with that; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Over 150,000.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There you go!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ron, that\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, well done!\u2014and many other books. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTogether, they\u2019ve written a book that we think is going to outsell <em>both<\/em> of those put together. [Laughter] It\u2019s their new book, where they\u2019re talking about love languages and blended families and how these two come together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary, do most people figure out love languages by trial and error; or do they sit down and say: \u201cWhat do you think yours is?\u201d \u201cWhat do you think mine is?\u201d Do they have a conversation about it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Well, I think, when they understand the concept\u2014that there are different love languages, many of them, of course, are going to the website at TheFiveLoveLanguages.com and taking a free quiz, which tells you what your primary, your secondary, and the other three are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think many of them read the book and, as they read the book, they see themselves. They <em>know<\/em> who they are; and then they have a conversation and say: \u201cWell, what is yours?\u201d \u201cIs this you\u2026?\u201d \u201cI thought this was yours!\u201d\/\u201cNo, no, no, this is mine.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s healthy when you\u2019re having a conversation about this. Also, of course, you can have a conversation, not only husband and wife, but also parents and children. If they\u2019re six or eight years old or more they can understand the concept. Even teenagers can get into this. In fact, I have a book for teenagers called <em>A Teen\u2019s Guide to the Five Love Languages<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the more the family talks about this concept of love\u2014we all know we love each other in the family\u2014but we want to learn how to communicate it in the best possible way, and we identify everybody\u2019s love language. It\u2019s easier because it\u2019s on the front burner now; we know what we\u2019re talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Bob, you talked about going out of sixth grade and moving up to eighth grade in terms of your relationship skills. Taking that profile on TheFiveLoveLanguages.com increases your relationship IQ <em>tremendously<\/em>. I mean, it\u2019s just so simple and straightforward; but when you go, \u201cOh, that\u2019s\u2026\u2014and it\u2019s not just your primary love language\u2014but it\u2019s: \u201cWhat\u2019s the dialect related to that?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s the secondary one?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have to tell you\u2014for years, I was <em>wrong<\/em> about my wife\u2019s love language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What do you mean about the dialect?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Well, as in spoken language, we can speak the same language but with different dialects.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Said the guy with the Southern drawl. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. I speak English in a Southern style; okay? [Laughter] We still can basically understand each other most of the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWithin the love languages, there are different <em>ways<\/em> to express those love languages. For example, words of affirmation: words of praise that focus on something you\u2019ve done or your efforts in doing something, or words of encouragement to challenge you to continue working. That\u2019s what I mean by dialects. There are different <em>ways<\/em> of speaking each of these languages; and sometimes, within the language, you have a preference for a particular dialect within the language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I worked with a stepfamily couple, where his first wife, her love language was gifts. His second wife; it was gifts. What he did with his first wife is give her money and say, \u201cGo buy what you want.\u201d She was like, \u201cYes!\u201d That\u2019s her dialect; right?\u2014\u201cGive me the freedom to get what I want, and then it\u2019s really on target.\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cYes, it\u2019s a win-win for both of us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first time he said it to his second wife, \u201cHere\u2019s some money; go get a gift,\u201d she was like, \u201cKeep your money,\u201d you know. \u201cI don\u2019t want that.\u201d What she wanted was a surprise; her dialect in gift-giving is <em>surprise<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; so this has nothing to do with what we\u2019re talking about; but I just need this advice here, personally. Mary Ann and I\u2014at the bottom of both of our lists would be gifts. When our anniversary comes along, we\u2019re just kind of like, \u201cI\u2019m not getting you anything; are you getting me anything?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d [Laughter] We\u2019re <em>fine<\/em> with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But then we look and we go, \u201cHave we just short-circuited something in our relationship by minimizing the celebration of this event, by not having modeling for kids that we think this is a big deal?\u201d Do we need to, at least, be giving some kind of nod toward each of these love languages in order for them to be valid? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>All I know is I\u2019m not coming to your house for Christmas. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Your poor children!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s a pretty low-key affair, I know. I have daughters\/I have kids who could tell you stories about how Dad went out and bought the cheap one instead of the real one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Do you put a Christmas tree up? Do you even have one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Depends on who\u2019s coming home for Christmas. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Yes, I do think that, for anniversaries and birthdays, almost everybody expects something. It doesn\u2019t have to be a gift; it may be going out to a really nice restaurant, which in a sense is a gift; but in some way, celebrating it a little different from the normal day and letting the kids see that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; we\u2019ve looked back and said, \u201cI think we minimized some things that we should have made a bigger deal out of,\u201d just as a way to say, \u201cThis really is important,\u201d and to say it to our kids, and to our community, and to others around us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Especially, possibly, for those kids that had that style of dialect or even their love language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cDo Mom and Dad even love each other?\u2014because they don\u2019t love the way I think they should.\u201d Yes, yes; that makes sense. Okay; thank you for that five minutes of personal therapy that I needed right here. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me come back to this issue of how the love languages blend together with blended families. My question, I think, is: \u201cIf you\u2019re in a blended family\u2014you\u2019re a new stepdad\u2014you want to connect with your step-kids, maybe even with your spouse, but there just seems to be\u2014you seem shut out. You\u2019re trying to go easy and slow, and not come on like a charging herd, but <em>everything<\/em> you\u2019re trying to do just gets rebuffed.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not talking about, for a couple of days; I\u2019m talking about for <em>months<\/em>. At some point, you\u2019re going, \u201cThe definition of insanity is just trying to do this over and over again. I\u2019ll just back off, and we\u2019ll just coexist.\u201d What do you do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; well, first of all, let\u2019s get inside there. There\u2019s pain; I mean, that\u2019s hard on a step-parent. They\u2019re putting forth their best foot\u2014they are giving all\/they are trying\u2014and it\u2019s just falling flat. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat speaks to another reason for this book. Adults and children sometimes have different definitions of what love will look like, and my motivation toward love will vary according to things going on in my life. When I say different definitions of love, sometimes step-children go, \u201cYes, I\u2019m respectful to my step-parent,\u201d but if you ask the step-parent that, they go, \u201cNo, they disrespect me,\u201d because they have different definitions of what respect looks like in that relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMotivations <em>toward<\/em> love are going to be affected by loyalties to other people\/how much <em>hurt<\/em> I feel in my heart. It\u2019s hard to really love anything, especially something new, when you\u2019re really sad over something that you\u2019ve lost in the past that meant a great deal to you. If a parent dies, for example, that\u2019s just <em>devastating<\/em> to a child. To reposition your heart to again move toward love and outward affections, that\u2019s just challenging; right? The step-parent\u2019s ready to receive and give and the child just isn\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we\u2019re saying here is: \u201cWhat, sometimes, feels like rejection for step-parents is really just a confused child. It\u2019s really just a child who\u2019s preoccupied in their sadness.\u201d It\u2019s not so much, \u201cI reject you\u201d; but it\u2019s, \u201cI don\u2019t have space for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Gary, is there a way that the bio parent can encourage their spouse in this endeavor as they become discouraged?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>I think so. Again, speaking their love language is a key issue; so that the new spouse now knows that they really do feel loved by me\/by your spouse. Expressing appreciation for their efforts\u2014to say: \u201cI really appreciate what you tried. I noticed the way Bob pushed you back; but I really appreciate the fact that you tried; you don\u2019t give up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, again, this is where this book is going to help that step-parent know more effectively what to do, how to do it, what level they need to be reaching out in the love language of the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Should the bio parent go to the child and say: \u201cHey, your stepmom\u201d or \u201c\u2026your stepdad is just trying to connect with you. Can you just open up a little bit and help us out here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, I have mixed feelings about that. I think the first thing to do is turn it back to the child. Let them be the center for a second: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d \u201cWhat does this feel like to you?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s happening when this, and this, and this happens?\u201d Try to draw <em>out<\/em> what is underneath the surface in that child. That will give you a sense of where you need to go next. Sometimes, you can just commiserate with a child, and hug him if it\u2019s sadness, and talk about that sadness, \u201cYes, I get it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen put words on it: \u201cIt\u2019s really hard to make room for your stepmom in your heart when you just miss your mother; is that it?\u201d See, children don\u2019t have the ability to really put words on that experience very well, especially younger children. Actually, as I think about it, I don\u2019t think teenagers do, either. When you help put words on that experience, then, all of a sudden, they\u2019re like, \u201cYes, I guess that is it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe next step there is to say, \u201cYes, of course, you\u2019re never going to stop missing your mother; period; end of story. I\u2019m wondering if you can just add on some space to your heart to make room for your stepmom? It wouldn\u2019t be replacing your biological mother; it wouldn\u2019t be getting rid of her\u2014just maybe an extra room on the side of the house.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>All your literature about stepfamilies\u2014the pace of integration\u2014I\u2019ve heard seven years, and I\u2019ve also heard you say it\u2019s really based on the children. Either one of you guys, talk about that with love languages in a blended family\u2014how do you pace that? Because if you push too hard, you\u2019re really violating something; but if it\u2019s really slow, how does a parent stay patient to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to let this be along their pace, not mine\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>I really think that the key issue is what Ron was speaking about; and that is, listening to that child and finding out where that child really is and what\u2019s going on inside of them: \u201cWhat are you feeling?\u201d \u201cWhy do you respond this way to your stepmom?\u201d or \u201c\u2026your stepdad?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the more you understand the child and identify with that\u2014and say: \u201cHoney, I can see how you would feel that way. I can see how that\u2019s been very, very painful for you; and I\u2019m with you. You know, we\u2019re going to walk this road together,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s not preaching to them and telling them what they <em>ought<\/em> to do, but it\u2019s just identifying with their pain. When a child feels understood, they\u2019re more likely to begin to open their hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I like the way you worded that, Ron, as the bio parent is talking to their child: \u201cI\u2019m wondering if\u2026\u201d instead of, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you\u2026?\u201d If you\u2019re going after them, it\u2019s so <em>shaming<\/em>. They already feel bad about it, probably, but by asking, \u201cI\u2019m wondering if you could\u2026\u201d you\u2019re kind of asking them and getting permission.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Exactly; you\u2019re entering into a dialogue with them. You\u2019re guiding them in the process, but you\u2019re tuning into what\u2019s going on with them. I mean, Gary really just said it well: \u201cWhen you focus on that child, you earn the right to then, perhaps, lead them in a new direction.\u201d It\u2019s easier at that point to say: \u201cYes, you don\u2019t have to love. By the way, you were a little snippy; and you may not treat your stepmom that way\u201d; right? We\u2019ve just added a little boundary around being courteous, and being kind, and being decent. That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> to demand love from the child, but here\u2019s the irony\u2014if you get a child to act courteous, and kind, and decent, you\u2019ve actually helped them move one step closer to the step-parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBack to your original question: \u201cHow do you help a step-parent pace?\u201d It\u2019s easy to say, \u201cIt\u2019s hard to do.\u201d I really think the answer: \u201cI think a lot of rejection can be overcome by a slow, persistent, stubborn love. If you just don\u2019t push too hard, but you just meet them where they are, and you continue to remain loving, even in the midst of their confusion\u2014their hesitation, them remaining distant; it might even be flat-out rejection\u2014I think you can wear people down. I think you can wear children down to the point, where they go, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s undeniable; you have been there for me over, and over, and over.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe trick in order to sustain that is that the step-parent really has to find a way to be okay not getting anything in return for a long time. That, of course, is a <em>huge<\/em> sacrifice and very challenging. As Gary said, if their spouse is coming along beside them, going, \u201cLook, you are amazing,\u201d that really helps.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; talk about the idea of stepping on each other\u2019s\u2014stepping on our languages; is that what you\u2019re talking about in the book? What is that idea all about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>It\u2019s using the love language in a negative way. For example, if a child\u2019s love language is words of affirmation, and you give them condemning words, it hurts that child more deeply, emotionally, than it would hurt another child. Or if quality time is their primary love language, and you send them to their room as a means of discipline, for example, that\u2019s severe discipline to that child; whereas another child would go in their room\u2014and they don\u2019t even know they\u2019re being disciplined\u2014they\u2019re in there, playing! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have to think in terms of how the opposite of their love language affects them; it\u2019s always very deeply felt. For example, if gifts is their love language, and you gave them a gift for a birthday; and your discipline is you\u2019re going to take the gift and put it in the trunk of the car for two days because they disobeyed\u2014severe discipline to that child. So yes, I think it\u2019s important to understand that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>When you add the layer of step-parenting onto that, it makes it triple severe. A biological parent, who uses harsh words against their own child, it\u2019s stepping on their love language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>But because of the bond that the parent and the child have, you\u2019re going to survive that. The child\u2019s going to cut you a break, if you apologize in particular, and they\u2019re going to forgive you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because there\u2019s some level of trust that exists.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s already established. But with a step-parent, when you have this fragile relationship, and you are harsh and step on their love language, you have really potentially put yourself in a deep hole that is really hard to climb out of. It is a much different journey for the step-parent who does that than the biological parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m hearing you talk about this; and I\u2019m thinking: \u201cSo if I do want to have discipline with a child that they\u2019re really going to feel, and I know that sending them to their room is something that is going to be harsh, that\u2019s what I\u2019m going to pick; because I don\u2019t want to send them to their room if that doesn\u2019t sting. Don\u2019t we want a little sting in what we do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>We do; but I think, in discipline, it\u2019s very helpful if you decide the consequences when you make the rule: \u201cIf you do this, here\u2019s what happens,\u201d \u201cIf you do this, here\u2019s what happens.\u201d I would tend to leave that severe discipline if they\u2019re not responding to what is more\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014to the gentler kinds?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>\u2014yes, to the gentler kind; then that might be a possibility. But especially, in a blended family, I would say that should be the last resort; maybe never the resort. But if the child knows what the consequences are <em>before<\/em> they break the rule, then they know what\u2019s coming and you know what\u2019s coming; and they\u2019re far more likely to accept it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yet, I\u2019d also think, if I\u2019m a stepdad, coming in, I\u2019m <em>never<\/em> going to pick the harsh one; because I\u2019m trying to win their favor. I now know what their love language is; yet, I should at some times; but I\u2019m so afraid because I want to win, win, win.\u201d What do they do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Ephesians 6: \u201cFathers, don\u2019t exasperate your children.\u201d Stepfathers can exasperate their children <em>real<\/em> fast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You really have to calculate: \u201cDo you want to take a fragile relationship and make it more fragile?\u201d I don\u2019t think you do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Who do you think is going to pick up this book, and read it, and go, \u201cThat\u2019s a game-changer for us\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, there\u2019s a chapter on grandparenting and step-grandparenting. There\u2019s a chapter on marriage; there\u2019s a chapter on parenting and step-parenting: \u201cWhat\u2019s a step-parent\u2019s role in this?\u201d \u201cHow does the love language get played out in all of those domains?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a single parent, who is perhaps dating\u2014perhaps even <em>not<\/em> dating\u2014but any couple that is engaged\/definitely planning to get married; a couple in a blended family; and people who provide support and guidance to blended family couples: pastors, teachers, counselors\u2014this is a book that\u2019s really practical. It will help you get below the surface and understand, \u201cWhy in the world does this brilliant stuff that Gary Chapman wrote work for everybody else but us?\u201d Then it\u2019s going to show you how to make the principles work for <em>you<\/em>; it\u2019s just a matter of application.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This would be <em>foundational<\/em> to this new step-family relationship; because for all of us, understanding love languages has been one of those things we can point to in our marriage and say: \u201cThis has made our marriage better,\u201d \u201cThis has made our parenting better,\u201d\u2014the fact that we\u2019ve known. To apply it in a blended family, this is going to make your blended family better.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m imagining seeing a family sit around and even have this discussion. It\u2019s fun to discover what other people\u2014what makes them feel loved\u2014so I like the idea of a family having this discussion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>We\u2019re raising the awareness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I just remembered we did a survey before doing this book. I surveyed people, who were familiar with the five love languages principles, and asked them how they applied them in their family and what their experience had been. Seventy percent of them said that they had experienced some measure of confusion when it came time to implement the strategies in their blended family. It\u2019s because of the differing dynamics that are at play in blended families. The principles hold true, period; but how you apply them takes some wisdom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we have the wisdom now in book form in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center; and our listeners can go online to get a copy of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGentlemen, thank you, not only for the time here this week to talk about this, but thanks for the labor in this book that I think is going to help a lot of couples. Glad to have you guys here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; you know, we think this subject is so helpful\/so important, we\u2019ve decided, this week, we\u2019re going to just make your book available to listeners, who will support the ministry with a donation. We want to get this in the hands of as many people as possible, either for their own family; or I\u2019ve been talking to a lot of people, who are handing this book out as gift to folks they know in blended families, as a way to open the door for possible gospel conversations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a donation online, or you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate, you can request a copy of Gary Chapman and Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>Building Love Together in Blended Families<\/em>. We\u2019re happy to send it out to you. We appreciate your support of this ministry. Your donations make it possible for hundreds of thousands of people, every day, to receive practical biblical help and hope for their marriages and their families. More people are listening more often these days because they have access to this program as a podcast, or through their Alexa device, or streaming from our website, or listening on their local radio station. So, thanks for your support; and we hope you enjoy your copy of Ron and Gary\u2019s book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, Ron and Gary are going to be speaking together at the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> one-day live event. This is on April 25<sup>th<\/sup> in Houston, Texas. If you live in or around the Houston area, you\u2019re invited to come out and hear them together, along with Laura Petherbridge, Bill Butterworth, and others. There\u2019s information about this live event on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you don\u2019t live in Texas, but you\u2019d still like to be a part of the event, it\u2019s available as a livestream event for your church, or for your small group, or just in your home. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. There\u2019s a link there that will get you the information on how you can be part of this livestream event. Again, the date is April 25<sup>th<\/sup>; that\u2019s a Saturday\u2014the <em>2020 Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> livestream event; find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we want to talk about how your son or your daughter\/your college-age son or daughter can have a very different kind of college experience than what the average college student is experiencing these days. Because, let\u2019s be honest, most of us don\u2019t want our kids to experience all that the average college kid is experiencing. We\u2019re going to talk tomorrow with Ben Trueblood and Brian Mills about that. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:24:56"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.83M"],"filesize_raw":["23935369"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305768.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305768.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Chapman joins Ron Deal to talk about loving your blended family members through the five love languages: touch, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-02-19.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As parents, we realize that, when we love our children well, they thrive. Dr. Gary Chapman says we need to recognize that, when we love them poorly, that has an impact on them as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>A child\u2019s love language is words of affirmation, and you give them condemning words. It hurts that child more deeply, emotionally, than it would hurt another child. Or if quality time is their primary love language, and you send them to their room as a means of discipline, for example, that\u2019s severe discipline to that child, whereas another child would go in their room\u2014and they don\u2019t even know they\u2019re being disciplined\u2014they\u2019re in there, playing! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, February 19<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You\u2019ll find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. How can we do the best possible job, as parents, of expressing love to our children so that they can most fully receive it? We\u2019re going to talk about that with Dr. Gary Chapman and with Ron Deal today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m wondering, \u201cDid you learn Ann\u2019s love language because she just told you, \u2018This is what it is,\u2019 or was it trial and error?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I learned it by reading a book, Bob. [Laughter] In some ways, that is true. I mean, no\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You read Gary Chapman\u2019s book, <em>The Five Love Languages.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I read it\u2014seventh year; no, we were married a decade\u2014but I did <em>not<\/em> understand her love language till I saw it written out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We not only talked about it, we did an entire series at our church on it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m sure a lot of people did; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You were figuring it out while you\u2019re doing the series; is that what you\u2019re saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We actually wrote a drama skit. A husband was talking to his wife, and he was talking to her in an actual different language. Do you remember that, Dave?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I can remember this lightbulb going off, thinking: \u201cThis is what has been going on in our marriage. I am not hearing Dave, and he\u2019s not hearing me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you remember looking at the list of: Physical touch, Quality time, Words of affirmation, Gifts: \u201cWhat am I missing?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Gary doesn\u2019t remember! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Acts of service.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Acts of service; thank you, Ann. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, do you remember looking at that list and going, \u201cOh, I know what Dave\u2019s is\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It was like, \u201cDuh!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I can remember thinking, \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to give it to him.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s a program right there!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>This is why we need Ron Deal with us, because he needs to counsel us!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We have two counselors in here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I know!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Can you guys do some work <em>right now<\/em>? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ron Deal and Gary Chapman joining us, again, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Gentlemen, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary and Ron: <\/strong>Thank you!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Gary, of course, is the author of <em>The Five Love Languages<\/em>, the book that has now sold\u2014how many million?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Over 12 million now in English.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>How many languages?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Over 50 languages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>I\u2019m amazed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon is the head of FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>,and the author of the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, that sold how many\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Don\u2019t do that to me! I\u2019m not saying. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Over 100,000 copies sold? That\u2019s not\u2014there\u2019s nothing to sneeze at with that; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Over 150,000.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There you go!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ron, that\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, well done!\u2014and many other books. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTogether, they\u2019ve written a book that we think is going to outsell <em>both<\/em> of those put together. [Laughter] It\u2019s their new book, where they\u2019re talking about love languages and blended families and how these two come together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGary, do most people figure out love languages by trial and error; or do they sit down and say: \u201cWhat do you think yours is?\u201d \u201cWhat do you think mine is?\u201d Do they have a conversation about it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Well, I think, when they understand the concept\u2014that there are different love languages, many of them, of course, are going to the website at TheFiveLoveLanguages.com and taking a free quiz, which tells you what your primary, your secondary, and the other three are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think many of them read the book and, as they read the book, they see themselves. They <em>know<\/em> who they are; and then they have a conversation and say: \u201cWell, what is yours?\u201d \u201cIs this you\u2026?\u201d \u201cI thought this was yours!\u201d\/\u201cNo, no, no, this is mine.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s healthy when you\u2019re having a conversation about this. Also, of course, you can have a conversation, not only husband and wife, but also parents and children. If they\u2019re six or eight years old or more they can understand the concept. Even teenagers can get into this. In fact, I have a book for teenagers called <em>A Teen\u2019s Guide to the Five Love Languages<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the more the family talks about this concept of love\u2014we all know we love each other in the family\u2014but we want to learn how to communicate it in the best possible way, and we identify everybody\u2019s love language. It\u2019s easier because it\u2019s on the front burner now; we know what we\u2019re talking about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Bob, you talked about going out of sixth grade and moving up to eighth grade in terms of your relationship skills. Taking that profile on TheFiveLoveLanguages.com increases your relationship IQ <em>tremendously<\/em>. I mean, it\u2019s just so simple and straightforward; but when you go, \u201cOh, that\u2019s\u2026\u2014and it\u2019s not just your primary love language\u2014but it\u2019s: \u201cWhat\u2019s the dialect related to that?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s the secondary one?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have to tell you\u2014for years, I was <em>wrong<\/em> about my wife\u2019s love language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What do you mean about the dialect?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Well, as in spoken language, we can speak the same language but with different dialects.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Said the guy with the Southern drawl. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. I speak English in a Southern style; okay? [Laughter] We still can basically understand each other most of the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWithin the love languages, there are different <em>ways<\/em> to express those love languages. For example, words of affirmation: words of praise that focus on something you\u2019ve done or your efforts in doing something, or words of encouragement to challenge you to continue working. That\u2019s what I mean by dialects. There are different <em>ways<\/em> of speaking each of these languages; and sometimes, within the language, you have a preference for a particular dialect within the language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I worked with a stepfamily couple, where his first wife, her love language was gifts. His second wife; it was gifts. What he did with his first wife is give her money and say, \u201cGo buy what you want.\u201d She was like, \u201cYes!\u201d That\u2019s her dialect; right?\u2014\u201cGive me the freedom to get what I want, and then it\u2019s really on target.\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cYes, it\u2019s a win-win for both of us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first time he said it to his second wife, \u201cHere\u2019s some money; go get a gift,\u201d she was like, \u201cKeep your money,\u201d you know. \u201cI don\u2019t want that.\u201d What she wanted was a surprise; her dialect in gift-giving is <em>surprise<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; so this has nothing to do with what we\u2019re talking about; but I just need this advice here, personally. Mary Ann and I\u2014at the bottom of both of our lists would be gifts. When our anniversary comes along, we\u2019re just kind of like, \u201cI\u2019m not getting you anything; are you getting me anything?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d [Laughter] We\u2019re <em>fine<\/em> with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But then we look and we go, \u201cHave we just short-circuited something in our relationship by minimizing the celebration of this event, by not having modeling for kids that we think this is a big deal?\u201d Do we need to, at least, be giving some kind of nod toward each of these love languages in order for them to be valid? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>All I know is I\u2019m not coming to your house for Christmas. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Your poor children!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s a pretty low-key affair, I know. I have daughters\/I have kids who could tell you stories about how Dad went out and bought the cheap one instead of the real one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Do you put a Christmas tree up? Do you even have one?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Depends on who\u2019s coming home for Christmas. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Yes, I do think that, for anniversaries and birthdays, almost everybody expects something. It doesn\u2019t have to be a gift; it may be going out to a really nice restaurant, which in a sense is a gift; but in some way, celebrating it a little different from the normal day and letting the kids see that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; we\u2019ve looked back and said, \u201cI think we minimized some things that we should have made a bigger deal out of,\u201d just as a way to say, \u201cThis really is important,\u201d and to say it to our kids, and to our community, and to others around us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Especially, possibly, for those kids that had that style of dialect or even their love language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cDo Mom and Dad even love each other?\u2014because they don\u2019t love the way I think they should.\u201d Yes, yes; that makes sense. Okay; thank you for that five minutes of personal therapy that I needed right here. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me come back to this issue of how the love languages blend together with blended families. My question, I think, is: \u201cIf you\u2019re in a blended family\u2014you\u2019re a new stepdad\u2014you want to connect with your step-kids, maybe even with your spouse, but there just seems to be\u2014you seem shut out. You\u2019re trying to go easy and slow, and not come on like a charging herd, but <em>everything<\/em> you\u2019re trying to do just gets rebuffed.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not talking about, for a couple of days; I\u2019m talking about for <em>months<\/em>. At some point, you\u2019re going, \u201cThe definition of insanity is just trying to do this over and over again. I\u2019ll just back off, and we\u2019ll just coexist.\u201d What do you do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; well, first of all, let\u2019s get inside there. There\u2019s pain; I mean, that\u2019s hard on a step-parent. They\u2019re putting forth their best foot\u2014they are giving all\/they are trying\u2014and it\u2019s just falling flat. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat speaks to another reason for this book. Adults and children sometimes have different definitions of what love will look like, and my motivation toward love will vary according to things going on in my life. When I say different definitions of love, sometimes step-children go, \u201cYes, I\u2019m respectful to my step-parent,\u201d but if you ask the step-parent that, they go, \u201cNo, they disrespect me,\u201d because they have different definitions of what respect looks like in that relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMotivations <em>toward<\/em> love are going to be affected by loyalties to other people\/how much <em>hurt<\/em> I feel in my heart. It\u2019s hard to really love anything, especially something new, when you\u2019re really sad over something that you\u2019ve lost in the past that meant a great deal to you. If a parent dies, for example, that\u2019s just <em>devastating<\/em> to a child. To reposition your heart to again move toward love and outward affections, that\u2019s just challenging; right? The step-parent\u2019s ready to receive and give and the child just isn\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we\u2019re saying here is: \u201cWhat, sometimes, feels like rejection for step-parents is really just a confused child. It\u2019s really just a child who\u2019s preoccupied in their sadness.\u201d It\u2019s not so much, \u201cI reject you\u201d; but it\u2019s, \u201cI don\u2019t have space for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Gary, is there a way that the bio parent can encourage their spouse in this endeavor as they become discouraged?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>I think so. Again, speaking their love language is a key issue; so that the new spouse now knows that they really do feel loved by me\/by your spouse. Expressing appreciation for their efforts\u2014to say: \u201cI really appreciate what you tried. I noticed the way Bob pushed you back; but I really appreciate the fact that you tried; you don\u2019t give up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, again, this is where this book is going to help that step-parent know more effectively what to do, how to do it, what level they need to be reaching out in the love language of the child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Should the bio parent go to the child and say: \u201cHey, your stepmom\u201d or \u201c\u2026your stepdad is just trying to connect with you. Can you just open up a little bit and help us out here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, I have mixed feelings about that. I think the first thing to do is turn it back to the child. Let them be the center for a second: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d \u201cWhat does this feel like to you?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s happening when this, and this, and this happens?\u201d Try to draw <em>out<\/em> what is underneath the surface in that child. That will give you a sense of where you need to go next. Sometimes, you can just commiserate with a child, and hug him if it\u2019s sadness, and talk about that sadness, \u201cYes, I get it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen put words on it: \u201cIt\u2019s really hard to make room for your stepmom in your heart when you just miss your mother; is that it?\u201d See, children don\u2019t have the ability to really put words on that experience very well, especially younger children. Actually, as I think about it, I don\u2019t think teenagers do, either. When you help put words on that experience, then, all of a sudden, they\u2019re like, \u201cYes, I guess that is it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe next step there is to say, \u201cYes, of course, you\u2019re never going to stop missing your mother; period; end of story. I\u2019m wondering if you can just add on some space to your heart to make room for your stepmom? It wouldn\u2019t be replacing your biological mother; it wouldn\u2019t be getting rid of her\u2014just maybe an extra room on the side of the house.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>All your literature about stepfamilies\u2014the pace of integration\u2014I\u2019ve heard seven years, and I\u2019ve also heard you say it\u2019s really based on the children. Either one of you guys, talk about that with love languages in a blended family\u2014how do you pace that? Because if you push too hard, you\u2019re really violating something; but if it\u2019s really slow, how does a parent stay patient to say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to let this be along their pace, not mine\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>I really think that the key issue is what Ron was speaking about; and that is, listening to that child and finding out where that child really is and what\u2019s going on inside of them: \u201cWhat are you feeling?\u201d \u201cWhy do you respond this way to your stepmom?\u201d or \u201c\u2026your stepdad?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the more you understand the child and identify with that\u2014and say: \u201cHoney, I can see how you would feel that way. I can see how that\u2019s been very, very painful for you; and I\u2019m with you. You know, we\u2019re going to walk this road together,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s not preaching to them and telling them what they <em>ought<\/em> to do, but it\u2019s just identifying with their pain. When a child feels understood, they\u2019re more likely to begin to open their hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I like the way you worded that, Ron, as the bio parent is talking to their child: \u201cI\u2019m wondering if\u2026\u201d instead of, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you\u2026?\u201d If you\u2019re going after them, it\u2019s so <em>shaming<\/em>. They already feel bad about it, probably, but by asking, \u201cI\u2019m wondering if you could\u2026\u201d you\u2019re kind of asking them and getting permission.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Exactly; you\u2019re entering into a dialogue with them. You\u2019re guiding them in the process, but you\u2019re tuning into what\u2019s going on with them. I mean, Gary really just said it well: \u201cWhen you focus on that child, you earn the right to then, perhaps, lead them in a new direction.\u201d It\u2019s easier at that point to say: \u201cYes, you don\u2019t have to love. By the way, you were a little snippy; and you may not treat your stepmom that way\u201d; right? We\u2019ve just added a little boundary around being courteous, and being kind, and being decent. That\u2019s <em>not<\/em> to demand love from the child, but here\u2019s the irony\u2014if you get a child to act courteous, and kind, and decent, you\u2019ve actually helped them move one step closer to the step-parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBack to your original question: \u201cHow do you help a step-parent pace?\u201d It\u2019s easy to say, \u201cIt\u2019s hard to do.\u201d I really think the answer: \u201cI think a lot of rejection can be overcome by a slow, persistent, stubborn love. If you just don\u2019t push too hard, but you just meet them where they are, and you continue to remain loving, even in the midst of their confusion\u2014their hesitation, them remaining distant; it might even be flat-out rejection\u2014I think you can wear people down. I think you can wear children down to the point, where they go, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s undeniable; you have been there for me over, and over, and over.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe trick in order to sustain that is that the step-parent really has to find a way to be okay not getting anything in return for a long time. That, of course, is a <em>huge<\/em> sacrifice and very challenging. As Gary said, if their spouse is coming along beside them, going, \u201cLook, you are amazing,\u201d that really helps.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; talk about the idea of stepping on each other\u2019s\u2014stepping on our languages; is that what you\u2019re talking about in the book? What is that idea all about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>It\u2019s using the love language in a negative way. For example, if a child\u2019s love language is words of affirmation, and you give them condemning words, it hurts that child more deeply, emotionally, than it would hurt another child. Or if quality time is their primary love language, and you send them to their room as a means of discipline, for example, that\u2019s severe discipline to that child; whereas another child would go in their room\u2014and they don\u2019t even know they\u2019re being disciplined\u2014they\u2019re in there, playing! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have to think in terms of how the opposite of their love language affects them; it\u2019s always very deeply felt. For example, if gifts is their love language, and you gave them a gift for a birthday; and your discipline is you\u2019re going to take the gift and put it in the trunk of the car for two days because they disobeyed\u2014severe discipline to that child. So yes, I think it\u2019s important to understand that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>When you add the layer of step-parenting onto that, it makes it triple severe. A biological parent, who uses harsh words against their own child, it\u2019s stepping on their love language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>But because of the bond that the parent and the child have, you\u2019re going to survive that. The child\u2019s going to cut you a break, if you apologize in particular, and they\u2019re going to forgive you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because there\u2019s some level of trust that exists.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s already established. But with a step-parent, when you have this fragile relationship, and you are harsh and step on their love language, you have really potentially put yourself in a deep hole that is really hard to climb out of. It is a much different journey for the step-parent who does that than the biological parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m hearing you talk about this; and I\u2019m thinking: \u201cSo if I do want to have discipline with a child that they\u2019re really going to feel, and I know that sending them to their room is something that is going to be harsh, that\u2019s what I\u2019m going to pick; because I don\u2019t want to send them to their room if that doesn\u2019t sting. Don\u2019t we want a little sting in what we do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>We do; but I think, in discipline, it\u2019s very helpful if you decide the consequences when you make the rule: \u201cIf you do this, here\u2019s what happens,\u201d \u201cIf you do this, here\u2019s what happens.\u201d I would tend to leave that severe discipline if they\u2019re not responding to what is more\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014to the gentler kinds?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>\u2014yes, to the gentler kind; then that might be a possibility. But especially, in a blended family, I would say that should be the last resort; maybe never the resort. But if the child knows what the consequences are <em>before<\/em> they break the rule, then they know what\u2019s coming and you know what\u2019s coming; and they\u2019re far more likely to accept it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yet, I\u2019d also think, if I\u2019m a stepdad, coming in, I\u2019m <em>never<\/em> going to pick the harsh one; because I\u2019m trying to win their favor. I now know what their love language is; yet, I should at some times; but I\u2019m so afraid because I want to win, win, win.\u201d What do they do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Ephesians 6: \u201cFathers, don\u2019t exasperate your children.\u201d Stepfathers can exasperate their children <em>real<\/em> fast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You really have to calculate: \u201cDo you want to take a fragile relationship and make it more fragile?\u201d I don\u2019t think you do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Who do you think is going to pick up this book, and read it, and go, \u201cThat\u2019s a game-changer for us\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, there\u2019s a chapter on grandparenting and step-grandparenting. There\u2019s a chapter on marriage; there\u2019s a chapter on parenting and step-parenting: \u201cWhat\u2019s a step-parent\u2019s role in this?\u201d \u201cHow does the love language get played out in all of those domains?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a single parent, who is perhaps dating\u2014perhaps even <em>not<\/em> dating\u2014but any couple that is engaged\/definitely planning to get married; a couple in a blended family; and people who provide support and guidance to blended family couples: pastors, teachers, counselors\u2014this is a book that\u2019s really practical. It will help you get below the surface and understand, \u201cWhy in the world does this brilliant stuff that Gary Chapman wrote work for everybody else but us?\u201d Then it\u2019s going to show you how to make the principles work for <em>you<\/em>; it\u2019s just a matter of application.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This would be <em>foundational<\/em> to this new step-family relationship; because for all of us, understanding love languages has been one of those things we can point to in our marriage and say: \u201cThis has made our marriage better,\u201d \u201cThis has made our parenting better,\u201d\u2014the fact that we\u2019ve known. To apply it in a blended family, this is going to make your blended family better.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m imagining seeing a family sit around and even have this discussion. It\u2019s fun to discover what other people\u2014what makes them feel loved\u2014so I like the idea of a family having this discussion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>We\u2019re raising the awareness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I just remembered we did a survey before doing this book. I surveyed people, who were familiar with the five love languages principles, and asked them how they applied them in their family and what their experience had been. Seventy percent of them said that they had experienced some measure of confusion when it came time to implement the strategies in their blended family. It\u2019s because of the differing dynamics that are at play in blended families. The principles hold true, period; but how you apply them takes some wisdom.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we have the wisdom now in book form in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center; and our listeners can go online to get a copy of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGentlemen, thank you, not only for the time here this week to talk about this, but thanks for the labor in this book that I think is going to help a lot of couples. Glad to have you guys here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; you know, we think this subject is so helpful\/so important, we\u2019ve decided, this week, we\u2019re going to just make your book available to listeners, who will support the ministry with a donation. We want to get this in the hands of as many people as possible, either for their own family; or I\u2019ve been talking to a lot of people, who are handing this book out as gift to folks they know in blended families, as a way to open the door for possible gospel conversations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a donation online, or you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate, you can request a copy of Gary Chapman and Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>Building Love Together in Blended Families<\/em>. We\u2019re happy to send it out to you. We appreciate your support of this ministry. Your donations make it possible for hundreds of thousands of people, every day, to receive practical biblical help and hope for their marriages and their families. More people are listening more often these days because they have access to this program as a podcast, or through their Alexa device, or streaming from our website, or listening on their local radio station. So, thanks for your support; and we hope you enjoy your copy of Ron and Gary\u2019s book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, Ron and Gary are going to be speaking together at the <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> one-day live event. This is on April 25<sup>th<\/sup> in Houston, Texas. If you live in or around the Houston area, you\u2019re invited to come out and hear them together, along with Laura Petherbridge, Bill Butterworth, and others. There\u2019s information about this live event on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you don\u2019t live in Texas, but you\u2019d still like to be a part of the event, it\u2019s available as a livestream event for your church, or for your small group, or just in your home. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. There\u2019s a link there that will get you the information on how you can be part of this livestream event. Again, the date is April 25<sup>th<\/sup>; that\u2019s a Saturday\u2014the <em>2020 Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em> livestream event; find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we want to talk about how your son or your daughter\/your college-age son or daughter can have a very different kind of college experience than what the average college student is experiencing these days. Because, let\u2019s be honest, most of us don\u2019t want our kids to experience all that the average college kid is experiencing. We\u2019re going to talk tomorrow with Ben Trueblood and Brian Mills about that. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305768","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305768"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305768"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305768"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305768"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305768"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305768"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305768"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}