{"id":305757,"date":"2020-02-14T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-02-14T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-value-of-affirming-touch\/"},"modified":"2020-02-14T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2020-02-14T11:00:04","slug":"the-value-of-affirming-touch","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-value-of-affirming-touch\/","title":{"rendered":"The Value of Affirming Touch"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Guest: Ann Wilson, Dave Wilson | Series: Expressing Love Without Touching | Dave and Ann Wilson walk through an acrostic built around the word &#8220;touch.&#8221; They offer helpful ways for husbands and wives to communicate love through non-sexual touch.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/.<br \/>\n \tThe Weekend to Remember\u00ae https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/weekend-to-remember\/<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<br \/>\n \tHave the FamilyLife Today\u00ae podcast and resources helped you?\u00a0 Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dave and Ann Wilson walk through an acrostic built around the word &#8220;touch.&#8221; They offer helpful ways for husbands and wives to communicate love through non-sexual touch.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-02-14.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:21","filesize":"24.13M","filesize_raw":"25297749","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2088,2862],"tags":[6821],"podcast_series":[8196],"cwp_profile":[3554,3295],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305757","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-romance-and-sex","category-understanding-differences","tag-communicating-love","podcast_series-expressing-love-without-touching","cwp_profile-ann-wilson","cwp_profile-dave-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305757\/the-value-of-affirming-touch","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305757\/the-value-of-affirming-touch","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"VMvijAqcm2\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-value-of-affirming-touch\/\">The Value of Affirming Touch<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-value-of-affirming-touch\/embed\/#?secret=VMvijAqcm2\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Value of Affirming Touch&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"VMvijAqcm2\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Dave and Ann Wilson walk through an acrostic built around the word \"touch.\" They offer helpful ways for husbands and wives to communicate love through non-sexual touch.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-02-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014so we will have a special evening. I have a special evening planned for Mary Ann.\n\nI\u2019m look at you. Ann was just talking here about you thinking about your Harley. You\u2019re wearing your Harley shirt in the studio today. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Do I have it on?!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He does.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I might have a few of these shirts, Bob. You know what \u201cHD\u201d for Harley Davidson stands for; right?\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cHundred dollars.\u201d You walk in that store; you buy a keychain\u2014hundred dollars.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Hundred dollars.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s crazy.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s all a hundred dollars. But you\u2019ve got a few of them; huh?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not Harleys, but t-shirts. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So have Harleys been a big deal for you?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They have. He has a few things that are special to him\u2014his guitars\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Are we really going to talk about this? Is this what we\u2019re doing?\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014his Harley.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you ride on the back of the Harley?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I do.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And do you like it?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I do like it. I trust him; he\u2019s a good driver.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m just laughing. I can\u2019t imagine what people are thinking. They have this image in their head of us in our biker gear\u2014my hair blowing in the wind\u2014that\u2019s what it is.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> On Valentine\u2019s night, if he says, \u201cHere. Get on the back of the Harley,\u201d would that be romantic?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Not in February in Michigan\u2014it\u2019s not romantic. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not going to happen.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We do hope that you have special plans for tonight or for the weekend: if you\u2019re a married couple, an engaged couple, if you\u2019re dating. Hope it\u2019s a lovely Valentine\u2019s Day for you.\n\nWe\u2019re talking about how to express love to one another in marriage without touching. This is a message you guys gave onboard the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise a couple of years ago. You said the first way you do it\u2014you use touch as an acronym; right?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cTalk\u201d was the first point. We\u2019ve heard you talk about the importance of communication already. As we pick up with the message, we\u2019re going to hear the \u201cO\u201d and the \u201cU\u201d and the \u201cC\u201d and the \u201cH\u201d of how to express romance in a marriage without touching.\n\n[Recorded Message]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Alright; let\u2019s go to the \u201cO.\u201d We\u2019ve got to fly! For guys, here\u2019s what they want\u2014it\u2019s to <em>open<\/em> up. What\u2019s that mean? I just put down, \u201cLevel Five: Share your heart\/be vulnerable.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! For us, as women, we long for you guys\u2014we <em>long<\/em> to know what\u2019s going on inside. We want to know your hopes, your dreams, your fears. We want to know what you\u2019re thinking about stuff.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, Level Five communication. If you\u2019ve ever been to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, we use a chart there, where Level One is like clich\u00e9\/it doesn\u2019t mean anything. But when you get down to Level Five\u2014Level Five means I\u2019m sharing my heart\u2014I\u2019m being vulnerable. I have discovered that makes Ann feel loved when I share with her my fears\/my weaknesses\u2014the things I struggle with\u2014rather than hiding that. I don\u2019t share that with any other woman on the planet\u2014that\u2019s wrong and inappropriate. But I\u2019ve learned, over the years\u2014man, when I go there with her, it makes her <em>feel<\/em> loved without touch!\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nNow, here\u2019s the \u201cO\u201d for men!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cOffer yourselves.\u201d Women, offer yourselves. [Cheers]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, men, you can cheer! [Laughter] It\u2019s just what you think! We put in there, \u201cInitiate sometimes.\u201d It\u2019s all about respect. \u201cI want you!\u201d over \u201cI love you.\u201d It\u2019s more important to a man\u2014am I right?! We\u2019d rather feel wanted than loved. Don\u2019t even give us love cards\u2014we couldn\u2019t care less! We throw them in the trash. If you give us \u201cI want you\u201d cards or respect cards, we save those! Am I right, guys? It is like <em>those<\/em> are in a file right there: \u201cLook at that one! She wrote, \u2018I want you,\u2019 on that one.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And here\u2019s the thing that I\u2019ve realized. For Dave, that makes him a better man when he feels like\u2014I said to him one time, \u201cTell me the top three phrases I can say to you.\u201d He said, \u201cI want you,\u201d\u2014 number one\u2014\u201cI need you\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m proud of you.\u201d Ask your guys that. \u201cWhat means the most to your guys?\u201d I thought, \u201cO my gosh, I may not feel like this, but I need to be intentional about this.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I don\u2019t think women\/wives really understand <em>how<\/em> important this area is to a man, in the area of respect. We tend to think it\u2019s just a need. \u201cHe has a need, and so I have to. . .\u201d No, no, no! It\u2019s so much bigger than that for a man\u2014it is tied to our respect. When I feel like\u2014and I\u2019m not saying initiate every day\u2014but every once in a while.\n\nWhen Ann brings this up\u2014I mean, one day\u2014I\u2019m a pastor at a church; right? We have 250 on staff. We\u2019re in a meeting. I\u2019m leading and I\u2019m praying. \u201cGod wants us to take this thing and cast all of this vision.\u201d While I\u2019m doing that\u2014I\u2019m not kidding!\u2014all of these staff are leaning in. \u201cHere\u2019s where we\u2019re going! God\u2019s going to do this!\u201d I looked down at my iPad<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014a little text comes in\u2014it\u2019s from Ann; and it says, \u201cGet ready, Baby!\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019m like\u2014nobody knows but me! I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay! We\u2019re done! See ya!\u201d [Laughter] I mean, just that text from her, saying, \u201cI\u2019m offering myself to you,\u201d\u2014it was unbelievable! [Laughter]\n\nOne time, I was doing a chapel service for the Lions\u2014we have chapel on Saturday night in the hotel. It was my birthday\u2014I got up to speak. I\u2019m five minutes into the message; one of our players walks in late and he hands me an envelope.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It says: \u201cEmergency! Open Immediately.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, I was in the middle of my thing, so I just put it down and kept going. Luther, the player, came in and said: \u201cDude, no! You\u2019ve got to open that right now.\u201d I was like, \u201cOh, my gosh!\u201d So, I opened it up. I do not know, to this day, <em>why<\/em> I read it out loud. [Laughter] I do not know! I just\/I thought\u2014you know, my boys or somebody\u2014I just ripped it open real quick. It said: \u201cHey, big boy! I\u2019m up in Room 2027!\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWait!\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Seriously! [Laughter] I just thought\/I wanted him to have it so he\u2019d be totally shocked\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, my gosh!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014not ever, ever thinking he\u2019d read it out loud.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When I closed the thing, the whole\u2014was like\u2014[Laughter]\n\nAnyway, we\u2019ve got to keep going!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I know.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So, you\u2019ve got the \u201cT\u201d and the \u201cO.\u201d Now, we\u2019re going to the \u201cU\u201d for women. What women want: \u201c\u2019U\u2019 before me.\u201d That\u2019s sort of a strange way to say it; but it\u2019s the guy saying, \u201c<em>You<\/em> are more important than me.\u201d\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\nIt\u2019s a <em>selfless<\/em> act to say: \u201cYou matter the most. I\u2019m here to <em>serve<\/em> you as I serve Christ, not the other way around.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I think this has been really hard for us, to be honest. I have felt, a lot of times, like everything else is more important than me. I feel like, at times, Dave\u2019s job is more important\u2014his multiple jobs. And I feel like I\u2019m kind of the last thought.\n\nSo even, sometimes, I would call him and say, \u201cHey, Honey, are you on your way home?\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d I would say, \u201cCould you just stop and pick up some hamburger?\u201d Here is, <em>notoriously<\/em>, what Dave would say\u2014he would <em>always<\/em> come back with a question. \u201cNow, <em>what<\/em> do you want me to do?\u201d And then here is what I would say every time. \u201cForget it. I\u2019ll just do it myself,\u201d because, for <em>me<\/em>, it was saying, \u201cNo.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I wanted him to be like, \u201cAll of the time and energy I put into my work, and all of the people, and all of that, I want to put that into you.\u201d <em>That<\/em> makes me feel loved! That, for me, says, \u201cI love you. You\u2019re the most important thing.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I actually wrote in there [the notes]: \u201cKick it in when you get home.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s so easy for me, when I get home\u2014I\u2019m exhausted; I just want to relax. It is like, \u201cNo, no, no. That\u2019s my real job!\u201d I even put a drop-off point. I heard a guy tell me, years ago, \u201cOn your way home, think of it as, \u2018I\u2019m taking my job, and I\u2019m putting it there.\u2019\u201d I had a mailbox on a road on the way home\u2014just visually\u2014putting my job there and picking up my real job. The most important job in my life is to love her, lead her, and to lead my boys, right?\u2014that was it.\n\nI had to <em>change<\/em> my whole mentality. It\u2019s like, \u201cIt\u2019s not about me. It\u2019s about her; it\u2019s about Him.\u201d It had to be selfless to go home. I actually wrote down there, \u201cVacuum.\u201d I heard a woman say this once: \u201cWhen he turns on the vacuum cleaner, that\u2019s foreplay.\u201d [Laughter] So I put it in there [in the notes]!\n\nWhat does that mean?\u2014\u201cWhen he <em>serves<\/em> me\u2026\u201d?\u2014\u201c\u2019U\u2019 before me\u201d\u2014it was telling her\u2014that\u2019s like a turn-on. It was just that picture of \u201c\u2019U\u2019 before me.\u201d Obviously, this comes from Ephesians 5:25. Men, I hope you know this: \u201cAs Christ loved the church, so we will love our wives.\u201d What does that mean?\u2014self-denial; <em>die<\/em>. We get married to <em>die<\/em> to ourselves\u2014to live unto Christ and to live unto our wife.\n\nSo, it\u2019s interesting\u2014if you go over to the other side, what do men want? Guess what the \u201cU\u201d is?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The same thing.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The exact same thing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And have you ever done this, as a woman, especially when your kids are in the home? It\u2019s almost like <em>they<\/em> become more important; your job is more important, and then your husband gets the last of you, too.\n\nMy dad came to visit us one time. He was just observing some things. He didn\u2019t live in our state. We were eating dinner, and he looks at me and goes, \u201cMan, it must be nice to be your kids.\u201d I thought that was a real compliment\u2014like: \u201cWow! I think it probably is. Thanks!\u201d He goes, \u201cToo bad you don\u2019t treat Dave as well as you treat <em>them<\/em>.\u201d That night, in bed, I thought, \u201cGod, is that true? If that is true, I pray that you would confirm it.\u201d That next week, my dad sent me the first letter I had ever received in my life from him. It was a \u201cDear Abby\u201darticle of a man leaving his wife because the children came before him. That was the confirmation.\n\nI realized, for Dave to feel respected, I need to make sure that he feels like he matters, and he\u2019s a priority to me, too.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And here\u2019s the truth\u2014Kevin said it last night\u2014love and\/or respect is not a feeling\u2014it\u2019s a choice. Selfishness is our DNA. It\u2019s sin nature; it\u2019s natural. Selflessness is not natural; you have to choose it. You\u2019re not going to <em>feel<\/em> it\u2014you have to choose it. Whether it\u2019s the guy putting her before him or the gal putting him first, it\u2019s the same either way\u2014we just saw it!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And here\u2019s what I feel like\u2014I want Dave to feel like he knows how much God loves him by the way I treat him.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let me tell you, that is not happening most of the time, I would say. But wouldn\u2019t that be awesome?\u2014if Dave feels like, \u201cI know how much God loves me by the way Ann loves me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Alright; let\u2019s go to the \u201cC.\u201d Ann and I do a thing around the country called \u201cRock Your Marriage,\u201d and it\u2019s these two \u201cC\u201ds\u2014we define love with the \u201cC\u201d word for women as \u201ccherish.\u201d The love word is confusing. We don\u2019t even know what it means. I mean, people in Detroit say, \u201cI love the Detroit Lions.\u201d \u201cNo; you don\u2019t!\u201d\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nIt is like, \u201cI love ice cream.\u201d \u201cDo you really?\u201d \u201cNo!\u201d But <em>cherish<\/em>\u2014guys get, because we cherish <em>things<\/em>. I have a couple of guitars at home. You\u2019re not touching them!\u2014right? You protect things you cherish. You polish things you cherish. You show off things you cherish. I think women want to be <em>cherished<\/em> more than they actually want to be loved. It\u2019s like priority number one\u2014you care for her; you know her; you protect her; you show her off.\n\nIt isn\u2019t just that you think she\u2019s beautiful. You think she\u2019s <em>valuable<\/em>. That equals cherished or loved\u2014beautiful plus valuable equals loved. It\u2019s like everything else in my life can be more important than Ann, and she is not feeling cherished. It\u2019s like other things make her feel cherished, right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, and I think what happens for us, as women, is we notice that. If I feel like Dave\u2019s job is more important, I can start in my head\u2014this is where it starts\u2014with our attitude and our thoughts. I remember thinking, \u201cIf he would spend as much time caring about <em>me<\/em> as he cared about his Harley\u2014that would be <em>amazing<\/em>.\u201d\n\nThen I would take that thought, and I would just stuff it inside. I would think: \u201cGosh! If he would get home in time to do the things I wanted to do instead of doing his thing\u2014that would be nice,\u201d\u2014and I\u2019d take that thought. I stuffed myself with bitterness, with anger, with resentment, and then I would have this unforgiving heart. It would almost leak into my life, and it would make me numb. It\u2019s like it stole my heart and my feelings. I would stuff it, because I wanted to use it as ammunition later. When he hurt me, I would take it out and I would accuse him of all these things. Dave didn\u2019t even know what to do with that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> All I know is I\u2019ve learned\u2014and I\u2019m still learning\u2014she <em>longs<\/em> to be cherished. When she <em>knows<\/em> there\u2019s nothing more important in my life\u2014to her, she feels loved. For married women\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014that\u2019s it. That is her number one love language: \u201cJesus is it, and you\u2019re next. It isn\u2019t my job and all of these other things\u2014it is <em>you<\/em>,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s cherished.\n\nAnd then, for the guys, it\u2019s \u201ccheer.\u201d What does respect mean?It means: \u201cI cheer you,\u201d \u201cI brag about you,\u201d \u201cI speak <em>life<\/em> into you,\u201d \u201cI stop criticizing you. I\u2019m not your mom,\u201d No guy wants to marry his mom; right? We don\u2019t want that! We had enough of that! \u201c<em>Please <\/em>respect me enough to not tell me everything I need to do!\u201d Cheer, minus critique, equals respect.\n\nWe shared that story last year about how I felt she had booed me. That\u2019s where that whole thing comes on\u2014it\u2019s like I can walk in the house, and felt like everybody else cheered me, but she was booing me. Now, she doesn\u2019t do that anymore to me. She really doesn\u2019t. She affirms me. You thank me; you respect me. It\u2019s unbelievable! I don\u2019t even <em>deserve<\/em> it. She\u2019s like, \u201cYou are an <em>amazing <\/em>guy!\u201d And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cNo; I\u2019m not.\u201d You know? [Laughter]\n\nAnd yet, I\u2019ve watched, over the years\u2014women, you need to understand this. When she would say I was \u201cthis guy,\u201d and I sort of thought I was \u201cthis guy,\u201d I started to become the guy she said I was. Women don\u2019t think that\u2019s how it works. \u201cIf I say that, it\u2019s like I\u2019m lying; and he\u2019ll think he\u2019s that guy and he\u2019ll never get there.\u201d\n\nNo, it\u2019s the opposite with men and boys. It\u2019s like, when you believe in us, we rise up to it! Again, I\u2019m not saying I\u2019m an amazing guy, but I am a better man today because she believed I was already that man.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You are better! [Laughter] You\u2019re amazing!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I am! Aren\u2019t I? It\u2019s Valentine\u2019s Day; yes!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, yes, you are!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Alright; this is good! We\u2019re done. [Laughter] We\u2019re done! We\u2019ve got to go! [Laughter] It\u2019s like I\u2019m turning on the vacuum cleaner right now. [Applause]\n\nLast one, and we\u2019re out of time, so we\u2019ve got to say this. For her, what a woman wants is to be [\u201cH\u201d]\u2014held. Am I right? And it\u2019s sort of a way to say affection\/non-sexual romance.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Just to touch her\u2014Ann has told me so many times.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You guys, pursue us! Keep pursuing us! Be affectionate with us\u2014hold our hand, put your arm around us. We love that!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She\u2019s told me a million times: \u201cRight there, don\u2019t move. Just right there! Hold it right there.\u201d That\u2019s non-sexual. It\u2019s just like, \u201cThere\u2019s no agenda here\u201d but to cherish, and hold her, and love her.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So, ask your wives, \u201cWhat would it look like for me to pursue you?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And then, for the guys, it\u2019s \u201chelp\u201d him. It\u2019s that simple. He needs a partner. I always say this. I\u2019ve said it to my church a lot: \u201cMen have LATS.\u201d You\u2019re like, \u201cLATS?\u201d Yes, of course, they do.\u201d No! They\u2019re Lonely, Angry, Tired, and Stressed. Be his partner. Help him carry the things he\u2019s carrying.\n\nSo, here\u2019s the last thing we\u2019re going to say\u2014to be able to do that\u2014because we can tell you: \u201cOkay, go do it!\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cTOUCH her,\u201d \u201cTOUCH him.\u201d You know now what TOUCH means; it doesn\u2019t mean, literally, touch her\u2014it means taaalk and open up; right? You could try to go out of here and do that\u2014like it will <em>never<\/em> work. Do you know why?\u2014because you and I don\u2019t have the power to do any of this. We can do it for a moment, but we can\u2019t sustain it. Why?\u2014because we need the power of God to do it.\n\nWe try to find life in our marriages, horizontally, from our spouse. Guess what? We all end up disappointed; am I right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> At some point, you\u2019re like, \u201cOh, my gosh! She\u2019s not\u201d\/\u201dHe\u2019s not giving me what I thought!\u201d And here\u2019s what most people think: \u201cI married the wrong person. I\u2019ve got to find the right one, and then I\u2019ll\u2026\u201d No. They\u2019re looking in the wrong place.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nYou look vertical. When you go vertical and find life from <em>Christ<\/em>, He fills you up, and then you can come to your marriage to <em>give<\/em> rather than take. You don\u2019t <em>need<\/em> her to respect you. You don\u2019t <em>need<\/em> him to cherish you. It would be <em>nice<\/em>, but that isn\u2019t where you\u2019re getting life. You\u2019re getting that from an unconditional God, who gives it through your relationship with Christ\u2014then it overflows.\n\nSo, here\u2019s the last thing I\u2019ll do\u2014I\u2019ll give you a visual. Here\u2019s how most of us live. It\u2019s like, if you want to live out the Christian life\u2014you want to go live this thing\u2014Ann\u2019s going to pretend like this is what happens. [Ann using a pitcher and water] When you come to Christ, He fills you up with the Holy Spirit. Got it? Right? So, it\u2019s beautiful; it\u2019s pure. everything is <em>awesome<\/em>, right?\n\nBut that isn\u2019t how life works. You start, in your marriage\u2014you get a little sin in your life. I went to the Guy Burger joint and stole these today\u2014I\u2019m going to take them back. I got a little Tabasco. You know, you got sin in your life; you\u2019ve got anger in your life. By the way, Ann\u2019s going to drink this in a minute! [Laughter] You\u2019ve got\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014resentment.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014a little ketchup in there; a little mustard in there. Now look at that! That\u2019s what a lot of people think the Christian life is\u2014right there.\n\nThey even think that\u2019s what Christian marriage is: \u201cI thought it was this beautiful, pure thing; and now it\u2019s not like that.\u201d So, how do we clean this up? If I said: \u201cOkay, just go love your wife\u201d\/\u201d\u2026respect your husband, it will work,\u201d\u2014it won\u2019t work!\n\nIt\u2019s really interesting\u2014remember I said Ephesians 5? Paul said, \u201cBe imitators of Christ.\u201d How do you do that?\u2014be filled with the Spirit. Here\u2019s, literally, what he said: \u201cDon\u2019t get drunk on wine, because that\u2019s a waste of time; but be filled with the Holy Spirit.\u201d Some of you know that. It\u2019s really interesting\u2014the comparison\u2014\u201cdrunk on wine.\u201d Why does he use that comparison? Because when you\u2019re drunk on wine, what controls you?\u2014the wine or the alcohol in the wine. He says: \u201cDon\u2019t do that. It\u2019s a waste of time. Be <em>filled<\/em>\u2014or drunk\u2014with the Holy Spirit.\u201d\n\nThe word, \u201cfilled,\u201d in the original Greek actually means \u201ckeep being filled over and over.\u201d It\u2019s not a one-time thing\u2014it\u2019s <em>daily<\/em>. Keep going back to God to fill you\u2014to replace the sin and the junk in your life and fill you. It\u2019s like you come back to Christ. This isn\u2019t one time. This is over and over.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWatch what happens when you get filled by the Holy Spirit of God. That\u2019s what happens; right? [Applause] I mean, it\u2019s like, that\u2019s what it\u2019s supposed to look like! So, when you drink this, it\u2019s like crazy; right?\n\nNow here\u2019s the thing about Christian marriage. Do you know why we\u2019re filled with the Holy Spirit? Because we\u2019re supposed to take our marriage and show the world what it\u2019s like. So, it\u2019s like\u2014[sound of spitting clean water out and audience laughter]\u2014we are supposed to be like that!\u2014right?! We\u2019re supposed to be <em>contagious<\/em>, right?! We\u2019re filled with the Holy Spirit\u2014it\u2019s supposed to get over our neighborhood! Am I right? Do you want some more?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay! Enough of that\u2014you don\u2019t need that. That\u2019s what it\u2019s supposed to look like. Oh, my gosh! God fills us <em>together<\/em> with a power we don\u2019t <em>have<\/em>\u2014to love her, to respect him\u2014in a way we could never do it; right?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So that\u2019s how it works! [Applause] It will <em>never<\/em> happen any other way.\n\nLast thing I\u2019ll say\u2014we\u2019re done. The only action step we have for you tonight, before you crawl into your bed\u2014and this is, obviously, totally up to you. We would implore you\u2014get on your knees and surrender again. We did it on our wedding night. We did, as many of you know, on our ten-year anniversary when she said she had lost her feelings for me. The only chance you and I have is Jesus\u2014so surrender. When you surrender, you\u2019re saying: \u201cFill me. Fill me. Fill me with the power I do not have to be the man and woman we can\u2019t be apart from You.\u201d\n\nJesus, I pray for these couples\u2014that they would allow You to fill them over and over again to be the men and women\u2014the husbands and wives\/the moms and dads\u2014who will literally change the world by spreading the contagious Spirit of God in them and through them to impact the world for Jesus Christ. That\u2019s why You gave us marriage\u2014to make <em>Your<\/em> Name known through our marriage. In Jesus\u2019 name we pray, amen.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Amen!\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Alright; we\u2019re listening to a fired-up Dave and Ann Wilson. You were fired up!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I guess I was.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He was <em>preaching.<\/em>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It was kind of like locker room\/game time, \u201cLet\u2019s go! Let\u2019s take the field! Let\u2019s win this one!\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was. I did not think I was going to spit water all over the crowd. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Some things just come to you in the moment.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know if that\u2019s good or bad.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are there some things that come to you in the moment, and later, you go, \u201cI wish that hadn\u2019t come to me.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes; oh, yes. That\u2019s why I like that we can edit in the studio.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; the point that you\u2019re making here about the importance of relational intimacy\u2014for a husband and wife to try to be one without being relationally intimate with one another. These five points: the touch, the talking, and the holding, and the cheering on, and cherishing\u2014all of the things you unpacked here. This is the glue that holds a marriage together; isn\u2019t it?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think we underestimate the power of a strong marriage\u2014how contagious that is. We were just doing a FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>conference not too long ago\u2014a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. I was forgetting the hurt in the room\u2014how people are <em>desperate<\/em> for answers and hope and help. It really does come from Jesus.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was obviously a conscious decision to say: \u201cThe only way to end this talk is\u2014we don\u2019t want couples walking out, saying: \u2018I\u2019m going to try harder. I\u2019m going to hold her,\u2019\/\u2019I\u2019m going to cheer him,\u2014that\u2019s important; those are practical steps\u2014but if you don\u2019t have the Spirit of God giving you power to do things you really can\u2019t sustain, good luck!\u201d\n\n\u201cBut with God\/with Jesus at the center of this thing, He can literally\u2014and I\u2019m not using \u2018literally\u2019 wrong here\u2014He can literally transform you; then you\u2019re a transformer of others.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You guys have written about this in your book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, which is also now a small group video series that we have, here at <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Our listeners can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to find out more about both the book and the video series.\n\nThis week, we\u2019re making copies of this book available to any of our listeners who can help with a donation to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Your donations are what make this daily radio program possible for you, and for your friends, and for your neighbors, and for people who are listening all around the world: people who are downloading this as a podcast\/people who are telling Alexa to play <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>There are more people who are engaging with us in more different ways than ever before. You make that possible when you support this ministry.\n\nIf you\u2019re able to make a donation today, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a copy of Dave and Ann Wilson\u2019s book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, as our thank-you gift for your support. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; you call to donate at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d If you have any questions about the <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em> video series, you\u2019ll find information, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call with any questions or to order by phone at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nLet me ask you to be joining us and praying for thousands of couples who are going to be with us this weekend, Valentine\u2019s weekend, for one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. We have couples joining us in Appleton, Wisconsin; Charlotte, North Carolina; Colorado Springs; Hershey, Pennsylvania; Hilton Head, South Carolina; Montgomery, Alabama; Napa, California; Norfolk, Virginia; and Tulsa, Oklahoma. Pray for those couples who will be at one of our getaways this weekend.\n\nThanks to those of you, again, who support this ministry; you make these getaways possible. God does a great work in the lives of couples who show up for these events. Be praying for them; will you? We hope you have a great weekend too. We hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend.\n\nI hope you can join us back on Monday. Ron Deal is going to be here with Dr. Gary Chapman. For years, Dr. Chapman has written about the five love languages. Ron and Gary have just written a new book about how the five love languages work out in a blended family. We\u2019re going to talk about that Monday, so I hope you can join us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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