{"id":305741,"date":"2020-02-08T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-02-08T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/communication-matters\/"},"modified":"2020-02-08T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-02-08T11:00:05","slug":"communication-matters","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/communication-matters\/","title":{"rendered":"Communication Matters"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Guest: Rob and Gina Flood | Helpful communication is very important to a good marriage, but how do we avoid communication that is not helpful? Rob and Gina Flood give practical steps for being intentional with our positive words and how to resolve conflict constructively.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind more from Rob Flood at https:\/\/robfloodauthor.home.blog\/ and on Facebook and Instagram at @robfloodauthor.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/<br \/>\n \tLearn more about becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Rob and Gina Flood give practical steps for being intentional with our positive words and how to resolve conflict constructively.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-02-08.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26883093","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2810],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9593],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-305741","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","hentry","category-communication","category-growing-spiritually","cwp_profile-rob-and-gina-flood","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":false,"episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305741\/communication-matters","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305741\/communication-matters","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"kHolIsnmQ4\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/communication-matters\/\">Communication Matters<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/communication-matters\/embed\/#?secret=kHolIsnmQ4\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Communication Matters&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"kHolIsnmQ4\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":false},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Rob and Gina Flood give practical steps for being intentional with our positive words and how to resolve conflict constructively.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/flw\/flw2020-02-08.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Have you ever been in a tough conversation? Who am I kidding?\u2014of course, you have! You know, it\u2019s in that heat of the moment that I want my words to be heard. But Gina Flood says there\u2019s something <em>bigger<\/em> at play.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u201cWhat am I worshiping in this moment?\u201d You\u2019ve said something to me that I could choose to be offended about: \u201cWhat am I worshiping?\u201d Am I worshiping <em>me<\/em>?\u2014\u201cYou have no right to talk to me that way!\u201d That\u2019s going to dictate how I talk to you.\n\nAm I worshiping God?\u2014\u201cThere\u2019s something going on in your heart,\u201d and \u201cAs an image-bearer of Christ, I want to help you; I want to walk alongside you.\u201d That\u2019s going to affect how I communicate to you and how I respond.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Jesus said it\u2019s out of the heart that the mouth speaks. We\u2019re going to talk about communication and words and why they matter. We\u2019re going to hear from Gina and her husband, Rob Flood, on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>\n\nWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I\u2019m Michelle Hill. You know, if you\u2019ve been alive for any length of time, you know that words have meaning. We use words to communicate: we use words to encourage, words to correct, words to guide, words to <em>crush<\/em>. We need words when we communicate with our friends, when we communicate with the boss at work, family members, co-workers, roommates, children, and spouse. Whatever your situation is, you probably know that communication, at times, can be dicey. We probably all need a tune-up; and maybe that\u2019s a heart tune-up, because it\u2019s out of the overflow of the heart that the mouth speaks.\n\nYou know, I got to sit down and talk with some good friends, and actually former co-workers, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Rob and Gina Flood. Rob has written a book called <em>With These Words. <\/em>Today, we\u2019re going to learn about communication\u2014some practical tools. To do that, we need to go back to the <em>foundation<\/em> of communication. It ultimately starts with our heart and the One who made our heart. Here\u2019s Gina.\n\n[Previous Interview]\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> God created us as worshipers, and He\u2019s created us as communicators. If we are worshiping God, our communication\u2014the desire for our communication\u2014is going to be to glorify Him in our communication.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> If we\u2019re not worshiping God\u2014if we\u2019re worshiping self, if we\u2019re worshiping somebody else, if we\u2019re worshiping <em>something<\/em> else\u2014the way we communicate <em>reflects<\/em> that. It\u2019s living life in a way, where we\u2019re choosing to worship God, and we\u2019re choosing to communicate in a way that reflects that.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes, I think it\u2019s a full-circle kind of thing. We can\u2019t really get to a place of having good conversation if our relationship with the Father is a wreck. We\u2019ve got to start <em>there<\/em>, because God Himself is a communicating God. He reveals Himself <em>through<\/em> words, and His words are the words of life.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And Rob, you state in your book that there are tools\/five tools for communication. There is, first, response; prayer; physical touch; mirroring; and proper timing. I\u2019m just curious, are you using these tools with your children?\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Definitely! Yes, and trying to teach them. They wouldn\u2019t be able to name the tools.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right, right.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> We\u2019re not like discipling them \u201con this specific tool.\u201d [Laughter] But they understand the principle of first response.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So unpack the principle of first response for us.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> The way that I capture it in the book is that: \u201cThe power in where a conversation goes rests, not in the person who starts it, but in the person who first responds.\u201d\n\nLet\u2019s say that I share a harsh word with Gina\u2014or I\u2019m very tired, and the way I\u2019m talking is lacking carefulness; right?\u2014it\u2019s sinful; it\u2019s uncaring. Gina could respond and say, \u201cWell, who do you think you are to talk to me like that?\u201d Now, she has escalated it.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> <em>However<\/em>, if she understands: \u201cOkay, he\u2019s tired. This is <em>not<\/em> how he normally talks to me. I\u2019m going to respond in a way that does <em>not<\/em> escalate this, and listen to what he probably meant.\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What I\u2019m hearing is that the answer-er needs to have a very humble heart; because I know myself, in that kind of situation, I\u2019d be snarky! [Laughter] I\u2019d want to hit right on back!\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> It\u2019s why the book starts with some biblical principles of communication. Before we get to the tools, we\u2019ve got to lay down the ground rules; right?\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> So one of the ground rules, first out of the gate in chapter one, is that we need to speak so that the person who\u2019s talking with us is engaging God and not us. It comes out of 1 Peter, where we\u2019re supposed to be speaking as though \u201cthe very oracles of God.\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> So yes; there has to be humility. If we\u2019re not going to be humble, we have to be thinking: \u201cShould I be speaking now anyway? If I\u2019m only going to be speaking out of pride or self-defensiveness,\u201d or \u201cIf I\u2019m only going to be speaking out of a vengeful heart or even out of a wounded heart, then I\u2019ve got to go to Jesus first.\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u201cBe slow to speak\u201d to make sure that the words I share are going to be both constructive and redemptive.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So how do you teach your kids what God\u2019s agenda is versus man\u2019s agenda in the first response?\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> I think the first thing that has to happen is God has to be in us, because that\u2019s going to overflow; right?\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. If I\u2019m thinking Christ, if I\u2019m ingesting Christ, if I\u2019m meditating on Christ, if I\u2019m thankful for what Christ has done, that is going to come out in how I communicate with my child: \u201cWhat does God want in this?\u2014\u2018You seem angry. I\u2019m not angry with you. What is it that you\u2019re trying to communicate to me?\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u201c\u2019What\u2019s going on? I don\u2019t want to have an argument with you, because there\u2019s not a reason to have an argument. I do want to find out what\u2019s going on in your heart.\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking of a roommate situation. That\u2019s perfect to have those types of questions in place when you have a conflict, or a potential conflict, with your roommate, just asking questions like: \u201cWhat\u2019s really going on? What\u2019s happening here?\u201d\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right; and if you listen to what Gina just said, she\u2019s talking about that principle in chapter one: \u201cThe Ground Rules,\u201d <em>with<\/em> the principle of the tool of first response.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Because our child, in that scenario, is angry. She\u2019s [Gina\u2019s] receiving wrath, but she\u2019s not engaging it wrathfully\/she\u2019s not engaging it defensively.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> It\u2019s not about mom being vindicated; it\u2019s about God being honored.\n\nIf that can be our paradigm\u2014and it ought to be for the person who\u2019s confessing Jesus; it really ought to be our paradigm in all of life\u2014if that\u2019s where we\u2019re coming from, then a first response honors God; and it helps the person, who\u2019s struggling, also honor God.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It\u2019s what we\u2019re supposed to follow, but that\u2019s hard.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That goes back to, you know, conversations with the Father in prayer.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u201cWho are we worshiping in that moment?\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right!\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u201cWhat am I worshiping in this moment?\u201d You\u2019ve said something to me that I could choose to be offended about: \u201cWhat am I worshiping? Am I worshiping <em>me<\/em>?\u201d\u2014\u201cYou have no right to talk to me that way!\u201d That\u2019s going to dictate how I talk to you.\n\n\u201cAm I worshiping God?\u201d\u2014\u201cThere\u2019s something going on in your heart,\u201d and \u201cAs an image-bearer of Christ, I want to help you; I want to walk alongside you.\u201d That\u2019s going to affect how I communicate to you and how I respond.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> You know, Michelle, you had said, \u201cThat\u2019s hard!\u201d If it\u2019s clearly biblical, and you\u2019re saying how hard it is, we can\u2019t use that as our excuse not to do it. That\u2019s actually part of the reason God puts that challenge in front of you; so you can press <em>through<\/em> the hard, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and grow in our Christ-likeness in that area. Because the other areas I hit\u2014purity is <em>hard<\/em>;\u2014\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014avoiding the love of money is <em>hard<\/em>\u2014but we all need to grow in our Christ-likeness. That\u2019s going to be <em>hard<\/em> for us.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, which is why we need tools\/communication tools that help us.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What\u2019s another one of the communication tools?\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> So the next one in the book is prayer.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> We sometimes forget that, at any given point, we\u2019re allowed to pray. The Scriptures call us to pray without ceasing; and yet, when we start a conversation in marriage or a parenting conversation\u2014some conversation that may have high stakes\u2014too often we forget we can pray right there. It may be out loud; it may be silently between us and the Lord. If it\u2019s a trusted friend or a family member, we can pause and just say: \u201cCan we stop this conversation for a minute and pray together? I want to continue; I\u2019m not trying to avoid it. I feel desperate for the Lord\u2019s help. Can we pause and pray?\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> God is going to accomplish <em>far more<\/em> through my prayers than He is through my mouth.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> If I\u2019m praying to Him, then the Holy Spirit is working. There\u2019s a lot I can trust Him for. I don\u2019t have to say anything God doesn\u2019t want me to say. It\u2019s when I feel like my mouth needs to be the driving machine\u2014my mouth is the persuader; my mouth is the game changer\u2014well, then, it usually becomes a mess.\n\nI think we\u2019ve come to a place in society\/in culture, where saying whatever is on our mind is like coined this the term of: \u201cShe\u2019s just being real.\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, \u201cauthentic.\u201d\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> Being real does not mean being mean! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s true. Especially on social media, I\u2019ve seen that you have an excuse to say whatever you want to say.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> God has given us speech; and He\u2019s given us rules: \u201cThis is what this is for.\u201d You know, you can use a screwdriver to clean wax out of your ear, but it\u2019s not for that; and you\u2019ll probably create more damage than not; right?\n\nYou can use words to say whatever you want to say, but that\u2019s not why you\u2019ve been given them. You\u2019ve been given words so that the hearer would receive grace. You\u2019ve been given words, not to share the corrupted thoughts, but to share truth and to share love\u2014and to build unity and to encourage\u2014not tear down, but to build up one another.\n\nI think you hit social media\u2014there is a climate that: \u201cWords are fair game with any rules I say.\u201d That\u2019s true in our culture; it\u2019s not why God gave man words.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u2014or fingers. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Exactly!\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right; yes, thumbs; right.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014to be sitting there, typing away as fast as possible.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> And it certainly ought not be so in Christian communication, whether that\u2019s in marriage, or in friendship, or in church relationships, or on social media.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u2014or in politics, yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014or Christians talking about politics. Whatever it happens to be, words have rules by the One who <em>gave<\/em> them.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> And we need to abide by them as Christians.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s good; that\u2019s really good.\n\nOkay, so what is the next tool?\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> So the next tool is the tool of physical touch.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Though I think there are other venues for it, this may be the one out of the five that\u2019s most specific to marriage; but I will say this would be one that we\u2019ll use in parenting frequently.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> It\u2019s not <em>just<\/em> the benefits of affection\u2014\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014you know, a hug, a pat on the head, a hand on the shoulder\u2014that kind of thing\u2014those are good, particularly when they\u2019re healthy and they\u2019re appropriate.\n\nBut when something isn\u2019t going well in my relationship with my daughter or my relationship with one of my sons, it\u2019s really incredible what: \u201cYou know, just come here for a second. I\u2019m having trouble loving you with my words right now. I\u2019m tripping over myself; but I love you; I want to hug you. I want you to <em>know<\/em> that.\u201d\n\nThere will be times, even with my son, who is in the Marine Corps now, where I\u2019ll take his hand\u2014I\u2019ll take it differently than I take Gina\u2019s hand\u2014but I\u2019ll take his hand and say: \u201cDo you know I love you? Do you know I\u2019m <em>for<\/em> you? We\u2019re going to get <em>through<\/em> this.\u201d That physical touch can help you reaffirm what your words are struggling to do.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> Would you say, Babe, that eye-to-eye contact could serve a similar purpose\u2014\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes?\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u2014when it comes to social media?\u2014like, \u201cIf this is not something that you think you could have a conversation with someone, sitting in a room with them and having a conversation, would you say it this way?\u201d\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right; so what might that look like in a non-marital relationship? It could be: \u201cRather than completing this conversation by texting; you know, let\u2019s meet for coffee tomorrow night. Let\u2019s do this face to face.\u201d Now, you can start to have physical <em>cues<\/em> that this is not going well.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> And you just say: \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m watching your face; I\u2019m seeing your fidgeting. What if we just stopped right now and prayed?\u201d It\u2019s not physical touch, necessarily; but it is physical\/it is in person. You can <em>see<\/em>, physically, that it\u2019s going south. You don\u2019t have to get to failure before you see it.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Rob Flood talking about those communication tools that we need; one being the power of physical touch. And it\u2019s not just about physical touch; it could be just about being physically present. I know there have been times I\u2019ve received text messages, where I think someone is really upset with me or I take it badly; but if we were just physically present and I could see facial expression, maybe it wouldn\u2019t go south as fast as it did.\n\nHey, we need to take a break; but Rob and Gina will be back with more communication tools. Stay tuned. We\u2019ll be back in two minutes.\n\n[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\n<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. We are talking with Rob and Gina Flood about how to use our words. You know, communication is <em>not<\/em> always a natural thing between two people. It takes work!\n\nWe all need the skills of sharing, resolving conflict, and dealing with issues\u2014you know: when your roommate leaves the lights on <em>all the time<\/em>; or your co-worker burns popcorn in the microwave for the hundredth time; and your 15-year-old is just, well, a 15-year-old.\n\nWhen is the proper timing to bring up some of these issues in your conversation? Here\u2019s Gina.\n\n[Previous Interview]\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> So in parenting, an example of that would be\u2014lets\u2019 say Rob and I were out on a date, and the older children are watching the younger children. We come home, and we find out that one of the younger children had misbehaved and made a horribly difficult night for the older children. We need to talk to that younger child.\n\nThe next day, everybody\u2019s getting ready for school; it\u2019s a flurry of activity. I want to send my children out into the schools with grace. I want them to leave my house, knowing that: \u201cThere is somebody back home who has my back, who\u2019s praying for me, who loves me. While I\u2019m encountering whatever challenges\u2014sin, darkness, horribleness that is going on in these school buildings\u2014I\u2019m coming home to a safe place, where my parents are going to be excited to see me walk through the door.\u201d <em>That<\/em> moment is not the time to tell that child what a terrible job they did the night before.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> I can <em>wait<\/em> to have that conversation until they come home.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes; the truth of this tool\u2014and this is really the frustrating part of this tool\u2014is that we\u2019re all pretty good at this tool in relationships that matter least.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes; right.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> And we really are not good at this tool in the relationships that matter most.\n\nIf your boss says something to you that you don\u2019t like, you\u2019re going to be careful, as a responder, to respond well. If you need to ask for that raise, you\u2019re going to wait: \u201cOkay, he\u2019s rushing off to vacation. Now\u2019s not the time,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m going to wait until he\u2019s happiest\u2014[Laughter]\u2014right after he\u2019s had his first cup of coffee.\u201d You know, we think this way <em>all<\/em> the time, <em>except<\/em> in the conversations\/the relationships that matter most. <em>There<\/em>, we throw this off: \u201cIf I\u2019m feeling it, I\u2019ve got to say it!\u201d\n\nIt could be\u2014it occurs to me that Gina and I are having trouble with something\u2014that we really need to talk about it. I may say: \u201cYou know what? We have a getaway planned in six weeks. I\u2019m just going to hold off, and we\u2019ll talk about it then when we can have unhurried time\/uninterrupted time.\u201d But what do I do in the meantime?\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I trust God for that\u2014that this is not the occasion for those words.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> And pray, because God is going to use those six weeks.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> As you were saying that, I\u2019m like, \u201cSomebody out there is saying, \u2018Six <em>weeks!!<\/em> What?!\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s a long time! I can\u2019t sleep between now and then.\u201d\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> Right, right. And maybe it\u2019s not six weeks;\u2014\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u2014but whatever time God is telling you to wait, He\u2019s going to use that time. If you\u2019re connected to Him\u2014if you\u2019re not nurturing seeds of bitterness and anger in the midst of that time\u2014but you\u2019re in Scripture; you\u2019re talking to Him; you\u2019re asking Him to reveal to you any sin if there is sin\u2014maybe, there\u2019s not sin\u2014\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u2014but to confess any sin that needs to be confessed; to get wisdom from the Holy Spirit before you speak.\n\nHe\u2019s going to use that time; and He\u2019s going to use that time in the other person, to the point where, sometimes, you\u2019ll get to the six weeks, and you\u2019ll be like: \u201cOh! We don\u2019t have to have that conversation. That got all fixed all by itself\/by God!\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, and that\u2019s a really good point. I think many times\u2014or I should say, in my own life, being single\u2014I look at married folks and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cThey\u2019re forced to have some of these conversations\u201d; because, as a friend, I can sit there and go, \u201cI really need to talk to her about this\u201d; and I show up at her house. I\u2019m like: \u201cOh, now\u2019s not a good time,\u201d \u201cOh, now\u2019s not a good time,\u201d \u201cOh, now\u2019s not a good time.\u201d\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And all of a sudden, a few hours are gone, and I\u2019m out the door. I\u2019ve left and I\u2019m like, \u201cWell, it just didn\u2019t come up,\u201d or \u201cIt just wasn\u2019t great,\u201d or even in a roommate situation, you can still do the same thing: \u201cOh, now\u2019s not the time.\u201d That\u2019s a hard place to be; but to remember that, number one, you probably shouldn\u2019t ignore conflict; but the most important piece is to be praying and allowing the Holy Spirit to work.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cNow\u2019s not the time\u201d is not a bad thing to think or say. It\u2019s probably bad if you <em>always<\/em> say it. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s true! [Laughter] Yes, it is. I know from experience. I\u2019m learning; I\u2019m learning!\n\nWhat is the <em>last<\/em> communication tool?\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> So the last one we haven\u2019t spoken about yet is the tool of mirroring\u2014\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014where this slows a conversation down and it ensures that what you are saying\/intending to say is what I\u2019m hearing. It avoids the opening\/it closes the opening of misunderstanding.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> So what you can find, once a conversation gets going\u2014how you say something to me may land on me differently than you intend\u2014then my reaction is based on how I interpreted you, not on what you meant. Then we start having a back-and-forth; and we realize, five minutes later, that we\u2019re arguing about something you never meant to say. But now, who\u2019s right? Is it your interpretation of what you meant to say, or my interpretation of how I <em>received<\/em> what you said?\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay; so I\u2019m just thinking, \u201cRole play, right now, with you guys,\u201d\u2014and maybe your last misunderstanding, so that we can get a better picture of what mirroring looks like. Is that putting you on the spot?\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Well, it is; but we can go there.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> What was our last misunderstanding?\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Well, one of the things Gina does is\u2014she has a hobby that has turned into a business of making some products: facial products, skincare products, household products. She just had a show, just last week. She was behind in preparing those things. She needed to carve out a lot of time, and there was a lot of pressure on her.\n\nYou were making it clear you were hearing me saying, \u201cYou can\u2019t do this.\u201d Do you remember this?\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> Yes, I think so; yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Okay; \u201cSo, Gina, you really\/you don\u2019t need to make <em>everything<\/em>. These are your big sellers; what if you just focus on <em>those<\/em>? That way, it will thin out most of the work you have to do on your slower sellers.\u201d\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u201cSo you\u2019re saying that I shouldn\u2019t have the things that I know how to make available to the people to buy?\u201d\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u201cUm, no, not in that way\u2014those are the words I\u2019m saying\u2014but I want these people to benefit from everything you know how to make. You know these things are blessings to people. I\u2019m just trying to figure out what needs to happen in this next week-and-a-half that\u2019s <em>doable<\/em>. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want you to have all these great products; it\u2019s: \u2018Which are the most necessary?\u2019 or \u2018What do we have to do so you can make them all?\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u201cSo you\u2019re asking me to look at the list of things that I still have to do, and see if there\u2019s anything that I can leave off? Then, with what\u2019s left, we can create the time needed for me to be able to get that done?\u201d\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u201cYes, that\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m saying.\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So Gina was mirroring\u2014\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014what I was saying.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014what you were saying. You had started the conversation, and she was mirroring back.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Right, until we got to a place, where I was saying, \u201cYes, that\u2019s what I\u2019m saying.\u201d\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Rob:<\/strong> And then that\u2019s what she responded to, and we took our step forward.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Well done. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> But I also need to choose to not be offended\u2014like I could be like: \u201cWhat?!\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> \u201cHe doesn\u2019t think I can do that? He doesn\u2019t think I can get this done!\u201d I could choose to go there; but if that\u2019s where I go, now the conversation becomes a runaway train.\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Gina:<\/strong> Like I have to\u2014it\u2019s more than mirroring. I\u2019m not just repeating back to him what he\u2019s saying; I\u2019m really trying to remove all of my own thoughts that I\u2019m putting in. He didn\u2019t say, \u201cI don\u2019t think you can do this,\u201d\u2014you know? I\u2019m not\u2014he didn\u2019t say, \u201cGina, you\u2019re a failure\u201d; so I don\u2019t want to mirror that back to him. I want to be <em>accurate<\/em>.\n\n[Studio]\n\n<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Rob and Gina Flood, helping us understand how to effectively communicate with one another and with the Father.\n\nRob and Gina were the first people to welcome me when I moved to this area. I remember having conversations around their kitchen table\u2014sometimes with the kids chattering or screaming in the background and other times after the kids went to bed. One thing I always noticed was how Rob and Gina practiced communicating. Words really matter; words have weight to them\u2014I always appreciated that.\n\nJust a recap of those tools that Rob and Gina were talking about: you\u2019ve got your tool of first response; tool of prayer; physical touch; mirroring; and then, also, the tool of proper timing. And remember\u2014in all your relationships, to practice grace and forgiveness. These are great reminders for all of us\u2014not just in marriage\u2014but for singles, in parenting, co-workers, roommate situations\u2014just remember: \u201cA soft answer turns away wrath.\u201d\n\nHey, next week, we\u2019re going to celebrate Valentine\u2019s Day aboard a cruise ship!\u2014okay; well, sort of. We\u2019re going to hear from Gary Thomas, Laura Story, and Voddie Baucham. They\u2019re on the cruise ship; we\u2019re not. They\u2019ll be talking about making love last a lifetime in the happy and also the not-so-happy times. I hope you can join us for that.\n\nHey, thanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. And a big \u201cThank you!\u201d to Bruce Goff today, who is our engineer. Thanks to our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff, who work very hard to make me sound so good. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\nOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\nI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"blank\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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