{"id":305722,"date":"2020-01-31T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2020-01-31T11:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/incomplete-healing\/"},"modified":"2024-10-29T10:32:10","modified_gmt":"2024-10-29T14:32:10","slug":"incomplete-healing","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/incomplete-healing\/","title":{"rendered":"Incomplete Healing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Pat and Tammy McLeod talk honestly about their son, Zach&#8217;s, brain injury. The McLeods share how the Lord has sustained them through the difficulties and comforts them in their grief over Zach&#8217;s continued disabilities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Pat and Tammy McLeod talk honestly about their son, Zach&#8217;s, brain injury. The McLeods share how the Lord has sustained them through the difficulties and comforts them in their grief over Zach&#8217;s continued disabilities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-01-31.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:21","filesize":"25.04M","filesize_raw":"26253326","date_recorded":"2020-01-31 06:00:04","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2853,2860,2090],"tags":[6819],"podcast_series":[8335],"cwp_profile":[9591],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305722","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-frazzled-family","category-hardship-and-suffering","category-special-needs-child","tag-brain-injury","podcast_series-hit-hard","cwp_profile-pat-and-tammy-mcleod","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305722\/incomplete-healing","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305722\/incomplete-healing","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"PAAw8wiMcn\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/incomplete-healing\/\">Incomplete Healing<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/incomplete-healing\/embed\/#?secret=PAAw8wiMcn\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Incomplete Healing&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"PAAw8wiMcn\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Pat and Tammy McLeod talk honestly about their son, Zach's, brain injury. The McLeods share how the Lord has sustained them through the difficulties and comforts them in their grief over Zach's continued disabilities.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2020-01-31.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>When Zach McLeod suffered a traumatic brain injury in a football game, he was still the same Zach, but he was very different. Tammy, Zach\u2019s mom, says that meant her relationship with her son was different, too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>I couldn\u2019t talk to my son anymore\u2014I couldn\u2019t talk about what we were learning in the Scripture; I couldn\u2019t pray with him. When I prayed with him, he was silent; and he would just say, \u201cMm,\u201d when he agreed. He couldn\u2019t say any words, and we couldn\u2019t sing together. Everything that I used to do with Zach changed, so I was having a hard time revising the attachment.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, January 31<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. Zach McLeod\u2019s football injury meant that everyone in the McLeod family had to learn how to grieve what they would later call an ambiguous loss. We\u2019ll hear more about that today. Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Did you ever have a frightening moment, as your kids were playing sports growing up? Did you ever have broken bones, or a phone call, or something you saw happen on the field, where you thought, \u201cOh, I wonder if he\u2019s going to be okay\u201d?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; because all of our boys have played sports, and all three have had concussions in football. They haven\u2019t had broken bones, actually, but the concussions have been really scary.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You saw some hits, where as a mom, you went, \u201cI wonder what\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; for all three I can remember distinctly\u2014because the one son walked to the wrong sideline. Another son\u2014he got in the car; I took him straight to the hospital\u2014this is at seven o\u2019 clock at night\u2014he said, \u201cWhy is the sun so bright tonight?\u201d The sun\u2019s not even out; I had to give him sunglasses.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>You know, Bob, what comes to my mind is\u2014I was on the sideline when Mike Utley, the Detroit Lions player, was paralyzed for life. I mean, he was the one that\u2014thumbs-up as he went to the locker room. I was heading to that hospital room with [him] and his parents.<\/p>\n<p>And then a few years later\u2014the day Barry Sanders breaks the 2000-yard, which nobody probably remembers\u2014Reggie Brown went down that day as well. I\u2019m literally on the field, praying in a huddle with our whole team as the whole stadium goes silent. In another hospital room, you know, walking with a family through their darkest moments.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s one of the scariest things you can ever imagine. We love the game; it\u2019s wonderful, but that\u2019s always a possibility. It\u2019s so scary when it happens.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019re hearing this week a story of that happening for a family, with a high-school player, in Boston. Pat and Tammy McLeod join us, again, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; welcome back, guys.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>Thank you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Thanks so much.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pat and Tammy have shared the story of their son, Zach\u2019s, injury, as a high school student, playing football. It was a scrimmage, where there\u2019d been a pile-on. All of a sudden, he was collapsed and had to be airlifted and had brain swelling\u2014had to have a clot removed from his brain. The brain continued to swell; and all of a sudden, life had changed for you guys.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d encourage our listeners\u2014if they haven\u2019t had a chance to hear Part One of this conversation, they can go online to FamilyLifeToday.com or get a copy of your book, <em>Hit Hard<\/em>, which tells this story.<\/p>\n<p>How long was Zach in the hospital after his surgery?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>He had six weeks in the ICU and four months in acute rehab, so we were in hospitals for a long time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That, all of a sudden, becomes what your life revolves around; doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And you have two other kids and a ministry that you\u2019re involved with. Life still goes on around you, but there\u2019s a new center of gravity in everything that\u2019s going on; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes. We had two kids at home and one in college, so we were trying to figure out: \u201cHow do you do support, long-distance?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>What were the family dynamics like at that time? What was going on between the two of you, between you and your other kids?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>So, Chelsea was upset because we didn\u2019t call her right away. She found out from a friend that Zach was injured. We were trying to repair that relationship from not calling quickly enough. Soren and Nate just went about their daily schooling; but at night, some things came out.<\/p>\n<p>One night, when I was talking with Soren, he said: \u201cI can\u2019t believe you sent me to this school! Why did you send me to this school? I don\u2019t want to go here!\u201d We had just switched him to a new school that year, so he had no support in the school; he didn\u2019t know anyone. Then he said, \u201cAnd I can\u2019t believe you let me play football!\u201d He was still playing football.<\/p>\n<p>I told Pat what he said. My response to Soren was, \u201cYes, we\u2019re not going to let you anymore,\u201d and there was no response back from him. Basically, it was like him, I believe, asking us to say that he couldn\u2019t play. I told Pat that night, and we agreed that that would be the end of football for him. Things came out at night, but they tried to just keep going in a normal rhythm during the school day.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pat, I\u2019m thinking about the fact that all of your kids had gotten a certain amount of your attention, and your affection, and your involvement. Now, all of a sudden, one of your kids is getting the lion\u2019s share of your life; and the others\/the younger kids are having to kind of fend for themselves. Life has changed for them in a pretty dramatic way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>Yes, I would say that\u2019s true. I would also add that for Chelsea\u2014I mean, this was devastating. She\u2019s beginning her first year of college and finds out her closest friend in the world is lying\u2014he\u2019s in a coma at home.<\/p>\n<p>Thinking about that: thinking about Soren being in a new school, Nate just being at a very vulnerable age of just\u2014you know that transition to young adulthood as a teenage boy\u2014I mean, this is actually the major impetus for the writing of our book; because it has been a devastating experience for the kids and our family. Yet, for Tammy and me both, we were incredibly and surprisingly met by God, and strengthened by God, and sustained by God through this process. Not that it was easy\u2014I\u2019m not saying that\u2014but in a way that did not result in us getting rid of our faith or losing our faith. For them, that\u2019s yet to be a determined, in a way.<\/p>\n<p>We wrote a book so that they could hear the story and be ready, at some point in life, to read it, when they wanted to, about why it was that we still believe in a loving and all-powerful God in the midst of this senseless tragedy that happened to their beloved brother.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>What about your marriage in the midst of all of this? When you\u2019re both grieving differently and looking at each other and wondering: \u201cAre you really feeling this? Are you really as sad as I am?\u201d that can put a strain on a relationship. Tammy, you\u2019re smiling like, \u201cYes.\u201d There was some strain there; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Definitely. Not many marriages make it through situations like this. Pat would want to stay in the hospital room and be near Zach; and I\u2019d want to get out to the river and run, and cry, and pray there; so we didn\u2019t understand each other: \u201cWhat are you doing? Don\u2019t you love him? Don\u2019t you want to stay by the bed?\u201d \u201cAre you in denial?! Do you not see that something\u2019s wrong here?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>So you\u2019re both grieving in different ways.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>Exactly.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes; so it was helpful to be able to figure out what type of loss we were dealing with; but it just took us a long time. It wasn\u2019t until year five that we found out about ambiguous loss, and\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Explain what that is.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Pauline Boss wrote the book called <em>Ambiguous Loss<\/em>; she coined the term. There are two types she writes about: one is when you physically don\u2019t have the person; but psychologically, you have them in your mind\u2014divorce, adoption, immigration, kidnapped kids, things like that. The second type is what we\u2019re dealing with, where you have the person; but you don\u2019t have them the same, emotionally or cognitively: dementia, Alzheimer\u2019s, traumatic brain injury, mental illness, addiction\u2014things like that.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re dealing with the second type; but when they talk about you either go toward the \u201chaving\u201d side or the \u201cnot having,\u201d because ambiguous loss\u2014you both have and don\u2019t have the person. Pat was going more toward the \u201chaving\u201d side, thinking about things that he really loved about Zach that we still have; and I was more on the \u201cnot having.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It was interesting why, I think, I could see these things. In his relationship with Zach, he could still do the things that he did. He would just sit there and watch a game with Zach; and he could still watch a game with Zach, even though he was severely disabled.<\/p>\n<p>I couldn\u2019t talk to my son anymore\u2014I couldn\u2019t talk about what we were learning in the Scriptures; I couldn\u2019t pray with him. When I prayed with him, he was silent. He would just say, \u201cMm,\u201d when he agreed; but he couldn\u2019t say any words. We couldn\u2019t sing together. Now, I\u2019m strumming the guitar with my right hand; because he can\u2019t strum, and he\u2019s playing the left-hand chords. Everything that I used to do with Zach changed, so I was having a hard time revising the attachment.<\/p>\n<p>When Pat\u2019s more on the \u201chaving\u201d side and I\u2019m on the \u201cnot having\u201d side, it just is a lot of clashing. We had conflict and had to deal with it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pat, you made a statement that\u2014you talked about your son\u2019s remarkable recovery. I remember reading the book, thinking, \u201cI\u2019m waiting for the remarkable recovery.\u201d [Laughter] The remarkable recovery you\u2019re talking about\u2014he\u2019s living in a group home today, with diminished ability, an I.Q. score that\u2019s under 70, and functionality that is limited. You said he\u2019s blurring the line between ability and disability. And you call that a remarkable recovery. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>Yes, you\u2019re onto something; aren\u2019t you, Bob? [Laughter] You\u2019re beginning to pull out of us the sort of storyline of <em>Hit Hard<\/em>, which is two people having very different reactions to ambiguous loss. As Tammy said, I think the challenge to living with ambiguous loss is learning to live well with both having and not having at the same time. You either do one or the other, not both; and for me, it\u2019s been the having. I\u2019ve been completely obsessed with the son I still have and in complete denial about the son I lost.<\/p>\n<p>This is why the climax of the book is important, because that was\u2014I think, had that continued to go on, I think it would have resulted in a pretty serious depression. There\u2019s a lot of grieving that\u2019s happened by writing this book and acknowledging that they\u2019re real losses for me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; what\u2019s it like for you, on the other side?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Like Pat says, when Zach walks through the door, I\u2019m so excited to see him\/hug him; and then within three minutes, I\u2019m like, \u201cThis is a tragedy!\u201d He\u2019s choking on food at the dinner table, or falling off the chair, or tripping. Yes, it\u2019s difficult. I try to find things that I can do [with] him, like the revised playing of the guitar.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Why do you still have hope and faith?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>I think that what has changed in me is my understanding of what healing can look like and, often, does look like. It\u2019s not always simply just the restoration of physical health; but it\u2019s more being introduced or immersed into the peace, and the joy, and the love of God.<\/p>\n<p>I think all of life\u2014whether it\u2019s happiness or suffering, health or sickness, ability or disability\u2014is part of bringing us into or sort of ascending into that kingdom of God, or the presence of God, or the reality of the Holy Spirit. Those are the things that I feel like we\u2019ve experienced with Zach, and that Zach himself has experienced. He reflects God in ways that boggle your mind; I mean, they really do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014for example?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>Well, he exudes a joy that has no comparison. He\u2019s the most joyful person I know. He\u2019s also the most present person\u2014like attentive to moments\u2014because he lives in the moment. He doesn\u2019t worry about the past, nor is he worried about the future; he\u2019s very present with people. I notice people now that used to be sort of invisible to me. There\u2019s a lot of people in our lives\u2014in the service industries, for example, that are around us\u2014like the janitors, for example. I notice these people and connect with them, because Zach does. He really just notices people.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s this episode in the book\u2014it ends on this, actually\u2014of him just sort of connecting with this homeless person that others\u2014this whole crowd of people that we were following out of this theater\u2014we just all were going by him, including me; but not Zach. He stops and connects with this guy, and that guy connects with him. That\u2019s, to me, a reflection of God\u2019s sort of preferential option toward the poor, and the marginalized, and the unknown. God knows them; Zach knows them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>So Zach hasn\u2019t lost his faith?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>No, it\u2019s stronger than ever.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Really.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>Yes, without a doubt. He prays more than anyone I know. He sings louder than anyone I know, now, and pretty much on key. A little bit embarrassing\u2014he\u2019s lining up our church, for sure. Our church is a New England church that\u2019s very conservative. If you listen to a worship service, you\u2019ll hear Zach over the\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Really?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>That\u2019s one of the things that struck me, even reading the book. Worship is a powerful pathway for me with God, singing. I just thought, \u201cHow has that impacted you?\u201d It sounds like something that\u2019s a connection for you, Tammy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes; so when we pray together, even though it\u2019s sad that I can\u2019t hear his voice, I still hear his agreement with me. We can still pray together; it\u2019s just a little one-sided. [Laughter] I love\u2014every time I ask if he wants to read the Scripture, he says, \u201cYes!\u201d so we read the Scripture together on Sundays.<\/p>\n<p>We actually sing together in church for Lenten service each year, and then for the disability service. That is really a fun time. Sometimes he gets lost in the audience, like waving to people\u2014[Laughter]\u2014like, \u201cStay on the court!\u201d But sometimes he just closes his eyes in worship. He\u2019s not even looking at the chords anymore; they\u2019re all memorized, so he doesn\u2019t need the music; but he gets lots in worship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>I remember when\u2014Ann will remember this better\u2014when her sister died at age 44 and left four sons\u2014a very quick cancer diagnosis and death\u2014but for the next year, at least, maybe almost two years, if we go to church\u2014and I wasn\u2019t playing in the band but I was in the congregation, and we would sing worship\u2014we\u2019d just weep. There\u2019s something about, not only the truth of the words of God, whether it would be a hymn or Scripture that you\u2019re singing, but adding the artistic part of it\u2014I\u2019m tearing up right now\u2014we just weep; you could barely sing. It was like there\u2019s some connection there that goes deeper because of the art part of it\/the singing part of it. Have you experienced that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes; and that actually led to a problem, though. I would do that, and that would mean I\u2019d be emotionally wrung out every Sunday.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Let me ask you this\u2014because I\u2019m wondering if somebody\u2019s listening that\u2019s going through a really dark valley\u2014I can remember the day I heard my wife <em>laugh<\/em> again after her sister died. This was her best friend; talked every day on the phone; pretty much, Barb led Ann to Christ, in some ways.<\/p>\n<p>My wife\u2019s a joy-filled, laughing <em>nut<\/em>; she\u2019s a <em>nut<\/em>. You never know <em>what<\/em> she\u2019s going to do any moment\u2014she makes a memory all the time\u2014that\u2019s the woman I\u2019m married to. For 18 months\/almost two years, no laughter. I remember I was in the kitchen one day, and\u2014I don\u2019t know if she remembers this\u2014she was in the garage, and I just heard her burst out in laughter. I\u2019m like, \u201cOh! First time I\u2019ve heard that in awhile!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>\u201cShe\u2019s back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Is there a moment where it came back?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Pauline Boss talks about having ceremonies for ambiguous loss, because it\u2019s important to validate the loss. We have ceremonies when people die, but we don\u2019t have any in situations like ours. It was great that she told us to do that, but she didn\u2019t say how to do it; so we just had to make it up ourselves. We did an ambiguous loss ceremony, back to back with a birthday party for Zach, because we wanted to show holding joy and sorrow together, and the having and the not having.<\/p>\n<p>Zach was injured on September 5<sup>th<\/sup>. On September 7<sup>th<\/sup> was his birthday; so on September 6<sup>th<\/sup>, we had the two ceremonies. The first one Zach was not there. We had video and some of his favorite songs, and then we had our children share what they missed about Zach. I shared also. We had people take a time of silence and write on blue cards what they missed about Zach and then stand up and share if they wanted to. It was interesting to hear other people share, so just sharing our grief together.<\/p>\n<p>Then we walked across the street, and went into a boathouse by the river near Zach\u2019s school, and had a party for him. He was at that ceremony, and he was screaming with every person that came in, was hugging them. Then we had people write on gold cards things they have appreciated about Zach. They got up at a microphone and read them off, and then he hugged every single person. It was great to do those two ceremonies together.<\/p>\n<p>I did wonder: \u201cWould I be able to shift from the sad ceremony to the joyous ceremony?\u201d\u00a0 and it actually worked. But I don\u2019t want to make it sound too happy-happy\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s not like that fixed everything.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I mean, I think we need to understand. You said she\u2019s been different since then\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>I\u2019m different, but\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>But it\u2019s not like now everything is fixed; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014that all pain is gone and you can kind of move on.<\/p>\n<p>What parent, who\u2019s lost a child, says, \u201cOh, there comes a day when all pain is gone\u201d? I don\u2019t know that it ever comes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>And it\u2019s not just our children, either. I mean, all of us are experiencing loss. Last weekend, I was with my mom, who\u2019s 90. She\u2019s had Alzheimer\u2019s for 15 years, so she\u2019s just a shadow of who she used to be.<\/p>\n<p>I love Nehemiah, when he says, \u201cThe joy of the Lord is our strength.\u201d I think, when I came home from visiting my mom, I can relate, Tammy\u2014I\u2019m spent; I\u2019m helping to dress her, helping to feed her. I have to run to God, because He\u2019s the Source and Author of joy. I think we all experience loss; we have to remember where to run.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>We are grateful that you guys went through the hard work of processing this for us. I know for yourself, too, because this was therapeutic for you to write this down; right? But now, it\u2019s a gift for any of us who have experienced loss.<\/p>\n<p>I smiled when I saw Jerry Sitzer\u2019s name on the cover, because Jerry has written a book on loss that\u2019s a profound book. He\u2019s been a guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. He lost his mom, his wife, and a child in the same accident. Loss is a part of life; and to have somebody, who\u2019s been down that trail, and say, \u201cIt\u2019s a hard trail; but God says, \u2018Even though you walk through the valley of the shadow, I\u2019ll be with you, and My rod and My staff will comfort you in the midst of that.\u2019\u201d You\u2019re a model of that.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you guys for sharing your story, and thanks for this book.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Pat: <\/strong>You\u2019re welcome. Thanks for having us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have copies of Pat and Tammy\u2019s book, <em>Hit Hard<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go online to order a copy, or you can call to order the book. Again, the title is <em>Hit Hard: One Family\u2019s Journey of Letting Go of What Was and Learning to Live Well with What Is<\/em>. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call us to order at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David Robbins, who is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, has been listening as we\u2019ve been having this conversation with the McLeods this week. You know these guys and have known them for a long time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>David: <\/strong>Yes; I\u2019ve had the joy of knowing Pat and Tammy, serving in the same campus ministry for awhile that they did. They are clearly very smart people. I mean, if you\u2019re going to work effectively with students at Harvard for this long, then you\u2019d have to be pretty smart. But their smarts is not what hits you as you hear their story; it\u2019s actually their depth. God\u2019s comfort hasn\u2019t come to them through the intellectual answers, but through His crucified presence.<\/p>\n<p>It reminds me of something I heard Nancy Guthrie say: \u201cTrusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only a seeming darkness; this is the kind of faith God perhaps values most of all, because this is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know, God doesn\u2019t always give us the easy answers; and sometimes, it seems like no answer at all in some of the seasons that we\u2019re walking through. But He will give us His presence. He does promise His presence to His children. He will come alongside you in your circumstance, whatever you\u2019re walking through; and you\u2019ll know Him and the gospel deeper than you ever did before.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I have to think there are listeners, who needed to hear that today. Thank you, David.<\/p>\n<p>We hope you have a great weekend this weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church. We want to invite you back on Monday, when Hannah Anderson is going to be with us to talk about how we can help cultivate, in our own hearts and in our children\u2019s hearts, a sense of biblical discernment so that they can recognize what is good, what is right, what is pure, what is noble\u2014all of those things that are talked about in Philippians, Chapter 4\u2014how we can be discerning people by focusing on the good. I hope you can be with us as we have that conversation with Hannah.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Have a great weekend. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305722","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305722"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305722"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305722"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305722"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305722"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305722"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305722"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}