{"id":305708,"date":"2020-01-25T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-01-25T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-2\/"},"modified":"2020-01-25T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-01-25T11:00:05","slug":"dating-and-the-single-parent-part-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Dating and the Single Parent, Part 2"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Michelle Hill tosses tricky dating scenarios to Ron Deal who offers insight into whether the single-parent situation in question is a red light, a caution light, or a green light.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-01-25.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26883034","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2859],"tags":[5049],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-305708","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","hentry","category-dating-and-preparing-for-marriage","tag-single-parenting","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":false,"episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305708\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-2","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305708\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"BhdJnfZw9V\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-2\/\">Dating and the Single Parent, Part 2<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-2\/embed\/#?secret=BhdJnfZw9V\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Dating and the Single Parent, Part 2&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"BhdJnfZw9V\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/flw\/flw2020-01-25.pdf"],"audio_file":["http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-01-25.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> In the process of dating and remarriage, Ron Deal says people tend to overlook many differences\u2014differences that could cause significant problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So many of the signs and symptoms, of what will eventually come to be, you can learn from, hearing somebody\u2019s past and seeing how they deal with co-parenting issues with a former spouse in the present. I just think a lot of people don\u2019t really listen. You know, their need to get married pushes out common sense. They see those things, but they don\u2019t pay any attention to them; and they just kind of minimize them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to take a look at those warning signs associated with dating and remarriage as we tackle the subject: \u201cDating and the Single Parent\u201d with Ron Deal on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I\u2019m Michelle Hill. Dating is hard work. According to Wikipedia, the main purpose of dating is \u201cfor two people to evaluate one another\u2019s suitability as a long-term companion or spouse. Oftentimes, physical characteristics, personality, financial status, and other aspects of the involved persons are judged. As a result, feelings can be hurt or confidence shaken. Because of the uncertainty of the whole situation, the desire to be acceptable to the other person, and the possibility of rejection, dating can be very stressful for all parties involved.\u201d [Sigh] Sounds exhausting; right?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Keith:<\/strong> [Softly] Thanks, Wikipedia!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> [Laughter] It <em>is <\/em>exhausting! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want you to imagine getting out there in the dating world again after being married for a while. If that is you, you know [the] questions racing through your mind are: \u201cWill I ever find love again?\u201d \u201cWill the kids be okay with him?\u201d or \u201c\u2026her?\u201d \u201cHow do I do this dating thing again?\u201d \u201cAm I ready for this?\u201d \u201cWill I make the same mistake I made <em>last<\/em> time?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are answering these questions and more today with Ron Deal. I\u2019m so thankful for Ron! His knowledge and expert advice give me tools and ideas. As always, he gives his advice through the lens of faith. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist. He\u2019s a professional counselor; frequently appears on national media like <em>Fox News, MSNBC, WGN, Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, <\/em>and <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>! Okay, I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s my conversation with Ron Deal about dating and the single parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about the mechanics of dating. I want to start off our conversation with your red light and yellow light and green light examples, because I think that is a great way to start thinking about things, especially as you\u2019re dating. I\u2019m going to throw out a couple of scenarios from my life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and my experience of dating a single parent, and just ask you, \u201cRed light?\u201d \u201cGreen light?\u201d \u201cYellow light?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Got it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Obviously, I\u2019m still single. I\u2019m not dating anyone right now, so I went through all the red lights! [Laughter] There have been no green lights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, first question or first scenario: You\u2019re on a date; and when you ask that simple question, \u201cHey, so tell me about your life,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re just trying to get to know somebody\u2014\u201cWhere have you lived? Where\u2019d you grow up?\u201d And it turns into a biography of <em>their<\/em> life with a detailed topic of their ex- that lasts through the <em>rest<\/em> of the evening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughter] As in almost like a monologue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It was a <em>total <\/em>monologue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Wow. Yes, I would say that\u2019s a <em>yellow<\/em> light\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014because it suggests to me that they haven\u2019t worked through some of the pain related to that backstory. It doesn\u2019t necessarily mean \u201cred light,\u201d\u2014\u201cNo, this person is in trouble; you don\u2019t want to partner with him.\u201d It just means, \u201cLearn some more.\u201d That\u2019s what yellow lights mean, by the way: \u201cSlow down; take some caution. You can still proceed forward, but you\u2019re watching carefully; because you\u2019re not sure if there\u2019s something around here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, in the best-case scenario of that, it could just be that they\u2019re talkative. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It\u2019s true!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> This is an expressive person, and they have a few thoughts, and they just roll with it; and they\u2019re a talker! Who knows if that\u2019s a quality you love or don\u2019t love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe worst-case scenario is the fact that there\u2019s so much rolling out\u2014and by the way, if it\u2019s kind of laced with resentment, and some animosity, and there\u2019s some bitterness kind of dripping off of all of these stories, it\u2019s telling you something about their heart, and their sadness, and where they are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the thing I would want you to know: Anger and hurt can tie two people together as tightly as love can. There are a lot of former spouses that are still \u201cmarried,\u201d if you know what I mean. Their anger and hurt is <em>so<\/em> real; they are still emotionally tied to one another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014which means neither one of them\u2014the person you\u2019re dating, especially\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014is free to really give themselves to a new relationship and be objective about a new relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou want to date somebody, Michelle, who is totally objective about <em>you<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014not somebody, who\u2019s going: \u201cOh, Michelle is <em>so <\/em>not my former spouse!\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s so not my ex-wife!\u201d \u201cI\u2019m so glad she\u2019s not my ex-wife!\u201d That\u2019s not a good scenario; you\u2019re being judged based on the <em>former<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s not objective; that\u2019s reactionary. Are you with me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That is a huge <em>yellow<\/em> light. If it <em>stays<\/em> that way\u2014you continue to date; you just see that over and over and over, and you kind of hear more of the story\u2014I would go, \u201cThat turns into a red light.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s listening beneath the words to, \u201cWhat is this telling me about where there heart is?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> When is the appropriate time to share those details of an ex-spouse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, you know, on some level, on a surface level, it\u2019s part of life; I mean, even, you know, \u201cTell me about who you are, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand what kind of shaped you!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; \u201cYes, I have children,\u201d \u201cYes, I\u2019ve been married before,\u201d \u201cI went to college here.\u201d You know, it is a fact of a person\u2019s history; so it\u2019s appropriate, I think, to hear those things, early on, in your dating experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow much you share about the details of that, and how you feel about all of that, and what the emotional residue is still in your heart as a result of those relationships\u2014you have to have a little bit of trust between you, as a dating couple, for them to even want to reveal that sort of thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So I would assume that would come after a few dates, assuming you\u2019re both interested in one another; your conversation\u2019s beginning to deepen; yes, I think it\u2019s even time for <em>you<\/em> to begin to probe: \u201cYou know, you\u2019ve shared a little bit with me about this. I\u2019d like to hear more about that. What\u2019s the reality of that for you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just\u2014for example: \u201cHow do you feel about your former spouse?\u2014how that marriage ended?\u201d\u2014 those are details you want to know; for example, \u201cDid the former spouse run off and leave this person you\u2019re dating?\u201d \u201cDid this person you\u2019re dating try, for five years, to save the marriage and couldn\u2019t?\u201d \u201cDid they wish, to their dying day, that they could have?\u201d Yes, that person\u2019s still emotionally tied; are you with me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I mean, that\u2019s stuff you want to discern. Or, were they the ones, who kind of said, \u201cI was done; here\u2019s why\u201d; and \u201cHere\u2019s the backstory to that\u201d? Again, all of it is just information. It doesn\u2019t necessarily add up to good or bad; but it does tell you something about who they are and where they are, and their readiness for a new relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other piece is, you know, that former relationship, also\u2014if they have children together\u2014is a co-parenting relationship that lives on today and will live on for the rest of your marriage, if you guys get together. I\u2019s not just, \u201cHow do you feel about your former spouse?\u201d but it\u2019s, \u201cHow do you function as parents? What\u2019s that like?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cWell, pick up and drop off is horrible! We just fight all the time\u2014every time that happens!\u201d You want to know that, because you\u2019re marrying that conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe never talk. You know, the kids go over there; and I just communicate through my kids. I can\u2019t stand dealing with my former spouse, so we just don\u2019t.\u201d That, too, tells you how deep the hurt and pain is, and you\u2019re marrying that. That also tells you something about how this dating partner deals with conflict\u2014they cut people off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So many of the signs of symptoms, of what will eventually come to be, you can learn from hearing somebody\u2019s past and seeing how they deal with co-parenting issues with a former spouse in the present. I just think a lot of people don\u2019t really listen. You know, their need to get married pushes out common sense. They see those things, but they don\u2019t pay any attention to them; they just kind of minimize them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s kind of true of human nature: During dating, we minimize differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And after the wedding, we exaggerate them! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Obviously, what I\u2019m hearing is: \u201cThose are character flaws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cThose are <em>huge<\/em> character flaws.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And they\u2019re <em>relational<\/em> flaws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s not just about the person, and what kind of person they are; but it\u2019s their relationships and how they deal with relationships. So, yes; both character flaws and relationship flaws are yellow lights, <em>at least<\/em>. If they persist, they\u2019re red lights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay, next light. So you\u2019re on a second date\u2014on a drive with your date, and your date drives you past their ex\u2019s house\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughter] Okay!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and not just drives past\u2014 points it out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And then turns around and points it out again. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Oh, my goodness! [Laughter] For what purpose?\u2014may I ask? [Laughter] Are we just going, \u201cHey, I just want you to get a good look at where they live\u201d? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And this was not on the main drag.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They went\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> This was out of their way, in a cul-de-sac; hence turning around, I guess.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That feels to <em>me<\/em> like someone is still hung up on someone, or someone is trying to show someone that there\u2019s someone new in the picture. It just\u2014it was <em>very<\/em> <em>confusing<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Green light? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No, there\u2019s no green light there. There\u2019s, at least, a yellow light. [Laughter] There may be a red one. [Laughter] Again, it\u2019s like: \u201cOkay, I\u2019ve got to get really curious about this! What is this telling me about this person?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s their need?\u201d and \u201cWhat were they doing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you had a conversation, and\u2014I guess, the green light scenario would be: \u201cWe were talking about it.\u201d And <em>you<\/em> were pressing, \u201cNow, where does your ex-wife live?\u201d \u201cWell, she lives over there. . .\u201d \u201cNo, no! I want to know! Where does she live? Does she live on this street or that street?\u201d\u2014you know, <em>you <\/em>were pressing into it, and then they drove you by to see the house, that\u2019s a green light; there\u2019s context there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut this is like, \u201cNo, I have a need for you to see where she lives, and to dialog around that.\u201d You know, if it was a metaphor\u2014here\u2019s a good question to ask yourself when you\u2019re dating somebody, no matter <em>what<\/em> has just happened: \u201cIf this were a metaphor, what\u2019s the message? Is the message, \u2018I stay attached to where my former wife is\u2019?\u201d \u201cOoh! Yes; no thank you. God bless you\u2014moving on!\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a red light. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay. Well, that\u2019s all the dates I had with that one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Good for you! Good for you! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay; next one, your date discusses marriage on the first date.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Marriage with <em>you<\/em>?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Marriage with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> In the sense of what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cLet\u2019s go off to Vegas tonight.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No; run! Do not walk; <em>run<\/em> away from that relationship. This is the opposite of the sign at the swimming pool: \u201cRun; do not walk away from there.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, that shows you desperation. Desperation is a <em>horrible<\/em> way to make decisions. You are not objective about yourself; you are not looking at the quality of the relationship. You\u2019re not judging it based upon anything <em>real<\/em>. It\u2019s based upon some <em>pain<\/em>. <em>Never<\/em> make decisions out of pain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Ron Deal, giving some excellent advice about not making those decisions out of pain. Sometimes, that\u2019s a really hard place to be; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we need to take a break; but when we come back, Ron Deal is going to continue helping us make <em>good<\/em> decisions. Stay tuned. We\u2019ll be back in two minutes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. We\u2019ve been talking about dating and the single parent. Actually, we also talked about that last week. If you missed last week\u2019s show, go to the website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com; that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s head back into my conversation with Ron Deal. We\u2019ve been talking about those bad decisions in the midst of the pain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> A lot of my dating of single dads has come through some online dating apps. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> One thing that I noticed was a lot of these guys would say, \u201cYeah, my ex-wife just remarried.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I would go, \u201cOkay, so what are you doing right now?\u201d \u201cWell, I\u2019ve got to either get a dog or fill this space.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Oh, wow! Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s one thing I was noticing\u2014was pressure to really speed things up. You\u2019re sitting there, listening to some of these stories; and in the back of your mind, you\u2019re like, \u201cIs this smart?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cNot?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t have the red light, green light, yellow light illustration in my mind at the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So you ask yourself, \u201cIf what just happened is a metaphor, what\u2019s the message?\u201d He\u2019s looking for a dog! Are you going to be that dog? [Laughter] I don\u2019t think so!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have the locks of a Golden Retriever, so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, this is a guy, who\u2019s kind of saying: \u201cYou know, she\u2019s moved on. I\u2019ve got to find something. It\u2019s going to help me break away from her,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve got to spit in her face the way she just spit in mine.\u201d You know, whatever the message is, it\u2019s not a good one. \u201cI just need a companion to help me feel better about me.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo! You never marry\u2014okay, here\u2019s my favorite <em>worst <\/em>quote about dating. The movie is <em>Jerry Maguire. <\/em>She says to her sister about Tom Cruise: \u201cI love him for the man he almost is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That is the <em>wrong<\/em> reason to be attached to somebody, because the person they <em>aren\u2019t <\/em>is not who you get when you get married! You get the person they <em>are<\/em>;right? So that fantasy thing of: \u201cThis is going to somehow complete my life\/make life okay. It\u2019s all going to be good! We\u2019ll work it out in the end.\u201d No, no, no! That\u2019s unrealistic\u2014an expectation that just sets you and other people\u2014and children\u2014up for more hurt and pain. We don\u2019t need any of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo that person, I would say: \u201cWell, I appreciate your interest. Maybe at some point in the future, we could re-visit this; but I think right now, I\u2019m not interested.\u201d What\u2019s that about? What you\u2019re saying is: \u201cI don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on with you right now; I\u2019m not going to take responsibility for it. I think you need some space to figure this stuff out. If you go find a dog, and that helps, then in six months or a year\u2014you\u2019re still open and you\u2019re in a better place, emotionally\u2014I might be willing to date you. But right now, it\u2019s not good timing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s really good advice. I wish I had had those words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, at the base of all this is a sense of your self-worth and esteem and knowing who you are in Christ. I mean, sometimes I think we overplay that; but I really do think it\u2019s so important to just say\u2014you know, if I\u2019m saying\u00a0 the Dater\u2019s Prayer\u2014\u201c\u2018Lord, <em>You<\/em> have me in the palm of Your hand, and I am okay with You. Help me navigate my singleness. If You bring somebody into my life, help me recognize that and navigate it. And even then, may You be first and foremost in my heart.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re living out that Dater\u2019s Prayer, you have the ability in that situation to say: \u201cThank you, but no thank you. I don\u2019t <em>need<\/em> what you\u2019re not able to offer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cI have what I need.\u201d That empowers you to see the yellow lights for what they are and certainly recognize when a red light has come on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. Okay, I have one more light. Let\u2019s just say that there is someone, who has a mom who wants him to remarry, and to remarry soon; <em>but<\/em> this time, the \u201cbetter girl.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Woo! [Laughter] Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>You\u2019re sitting down to dinner, and mom keeps texting. He refuses to shut off his phone, and he keeps answering her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so if what\u2019s happening in front of you is a metaphor, what\u2019s the message? The message is\u2014he\u2019s got a strong attachment to his mom and is unable to say, \u201cI love you, Mom, but please stop,\u201d which means you\u2019re marrying that! Do you want to marry that? I don\u2019t think so. You want to marry [a person] who is clear of their emotional attachments, and their loyalties, and their obligations to the point where they can offer you all of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you might go out on a second date or a third date, just to see, \u201cIs this a one-time deal\u201d\u2014the whole mom texting thing\u2014\u201cor is this a pattern?\u201d That brings up a good conversation. One thing doesn\u2019t really tell you much of anything, but two times\/three times is a pattern. Patterns are really hard for people to break. Patterns you should pay attention to, because they tell you something about how the person exists over time. If, after a second or a third date, you continue to feel mom\u2019s presence in the room, when you\u2019re with this person, I think that\u2019s a red light. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, we could apply this same principle to\u2014you know, here\u2019s a \u201cfamilyness\u201d red light. You start dating somebody that you think is a great person: they\u2019re a hard worker; they\u2019ve got a great career, make a lot of money; they\u2019re godly in every way that you can see on the outside and inside; and they just happen to be a really lousy parent. You know, that\u2019s, at least, a yellow light, because when you marry them, and become a step-parent to their kids, you\u2019re going to inherit that parenting process and dynamic; and you\u2019re not going to be able to fix it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m convinced that a lot of what we call \u201cwicked stepmothers\u201d and \u201cabusive stepfathers\u201d are just people, who are trying to fix what their spouse refuses to fix in the kids; you\u2019re just trying way too hard and you don\u2019t have the power to make it happen. Know that, going in! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you see that\u2014and, by the way, even as these words come out of my mouth, I recognize: \u201cThis is a bit of a shame. If you find somebody, who is a <em>wonderful<\/em> person\u2014there\u2019s so much potential for your \u2018coupleness,\u2019 but there\u2019s just a lot of difficulty in their life in parenting and kids\u2014it\u2019s a shame that that would need to be a yellow light\/perhaps a red light\u2014but it is what it is. You can\u2019t marry them for the person they <em>almost<\/em> are.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You need to know <em>who<\/em> they are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So, Ron, let\u2019s say it\u2019s a yellow light or it\u2019s a green light, and we continue to get to know this person. At what point is a DTR\u2014a \u201cdefine the relationship\u201d? And does that happen more often in these types of relationships?\u2014in a sort of blended dating relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, I think so. \u201cDefine the relationship\u201d is a conversation around: \u201cYou know, here\u2019s where I am as I think about this relationship. I\u2019m wondering where you are as you think about this relationship.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt some point, that turns into: \u201cHey, I need to define our relationship in a new way. The other day, you corrected my kids when we were on that outing. I just want you to know I\u2019m not ready for you to do that yet. I just need you to talk to me, and I\u2019ll be happy to try to take care of something; but I\u2019d rather you go through me rather than doing it directly.\u201d So that\u2019s a DTR conversation\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014you didn\u2019t know to have until something happened. Yes, alright; use that as a springboard into continuing to deepen your relationship. By the way, what\u2019s the value of doing that? When you set a boundary with someone that you\u2019re dating\u2014and if they say: \u201cWell, no; I don\u2019t care what you say! I should be able to tell your kids to stop doing whatever,\u201d\u2014you just learned something <em>really <\/em>important; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, this helps bring to the surface different pieces of the puzzle to help <em>you<\/em> get objective information and decide how to move forward. If, on the other hand, the person says: \u201cOh, you know, you\u2019re right. I\u2019m sorry. That\u2019s not my place,\u201d they can recognize their place and what it is and what it isn\u2019t. They can learn\u2014that\u2019s a good quality. You just learned something positive that you needed to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSure enough, the next day they come to you with, \u201cHey, would you mind asking your kids not to throw my glass vases around the living room?\u201d \u201cYes! Thank you for coming to me.\u201d [Laughter] Like, \u201cThat\u2019s a legitimate need.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What kids are throwing glass vases? [Laughter] Sorry, sorry\u2014it is a legitimate need, Ron; I\u2019m just\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly! And now, you have something that you need to take care of. By the way, if this dating partner sees that you are unwilling to stop your kids from throwing glass vases, they just learned something about <em>you<\/em> they need to know. This helps <em>everybody<\/em> move forward in the relationship. You\u2019re learning what you need to learn about one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of the day, either you\u2019re gaining confidence in your future, or you\u2019re losing confidence in your future. Now, sometimes, you\u2019re just kind of maintaining the confidence you have\u2014it\u2019s not really going up or down\u2014okay, keep dating! But if it\u2019s going down; yellow lights are turning pink\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014pretty soon they\u2019re orange.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014pretty soon they\u2019re orange, and then they\u2019re <em>red.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So you\u2019re defining the relationship; the relationship\u2019s going well. You\u2019ve been dating three months\/four months; the kids love the person; and you\u2019re thinking: \u201cOkay! This is great!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cLet\u2019s just jump in!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Is that really good advice?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, I really hate trying to put a time frame on dating. People have pressed me for that: \u201cHow long should we date?\u201d I don\u2019t know! It depends on the age of the kids, where they are: \u201cIs the oldest one in college?\u201d \u201cAre they out of the house?\u201d \u201cAre they really young?\u201d \u201cHow about <em>you<\/em>? What have you been through?\u201d \u201cWhat about this person you\u2019re dating\u2014what have they been through? Have they been through three divorces, and are they <em>really<\/em> needing time before they make another commitment?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of that stuff matters; okay? And let me just say\u2014after three or four months, you can be ready to get married; but your kids may not be ready for you to get married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So we need to slow it down; we might start making plans, but they\u2019re off in the distance. We\u2019re not going to move toward co-habitation; that just confuses everybody\u2014there are so many things around that. Just spiritually, that lacks obedience; but practically and relationally, it just makes things messy, I think. You need clarity, not ambiguity, in this relationship. Clarity is: \u201cWe\u2019re dating; we\u2019re not together\u201d; and then, \u201cWe\u2019re married, and we <em>are <\/em>together,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s clarity! Moving in together just adds ambiguity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTake it a step at a time. Surround yourself with other people. Have a mentor: find a couple, that\u2019s a blended couple, that is five, seven, ten years down the road further than you\u2014they\u2019re already married\u2014and take them to dinner once a month. Pick their brains, as a dating couple, sitting with another married couple, going, \u201cWhat do we need to know that we can\u2019t see, that you guys can see at this point?\u201d Surround yourself with all of those things to help you either, again, gain confidence or maintain; or if you start losing confidence, that\u2019s information you need to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, great advice! Thanks, Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, glad to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That was my conversation with Ron Deal about single and the dating parent. Ron gives leadership to The Smart Stepfamily<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and also FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. It\u2019s his goal to help blended families thrive. Most of our conversation today came out of his book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent<\/em>. If you want to hear more from Ron, he has a podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. Why don\u2019t you just go to our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014and there\u2019s a link to Ron\u2019s podcast. It\u2019s worth your time!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, thanks for joining me today! Next week, we\u2019re going to talk a little bit more on singleness. We\u2019re going to hear from Lisa Anderson; and with her quick wit, I can guarantee a laugh or two! We\u2019ll also hear an epic love story from a young gal who adopted 14 girls before finding her prince. It\u2019s a blended family story of epic proportions. I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Keith Lynch. Thanks to our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"about:blank\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"about:blank\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:00"],"show_notes":[""],"filesize":["25.64M"],"filesize_raw":["26883034"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305708.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305708.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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Hill tosses tricky dating scenarios to Ron Deal who offers insight into whether the single-parent situation in question is a red light, a caution light, or a green light.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/flw\/flw2020-01-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> In the process of dating and remarriage, Ron Deal says people tend to overlook many differences\u2014differences that could cause significant problems.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So many of the signs and symptoms, of what will eventually come to be, you can learn from, hearing somebody\u2019s past and seeing how they deal with co-parenting issues with a former spouse in the present. I just think a lot of people don\u2019t really listen. You know, their need to get married pushes out common sense. They see those things, but they don\u2019t pay any attention to them; and they just kind of minimize them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to take a look at those warning signs associated with dating and remarriage as we tackle the subject: \u201cDating and the Single Parent\u201d with Ron Deal on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I\u2019m Michelle Hill. Dating is hard work. According to Wikipedia, the main purpose of dating is \u201cfor two people to evaluate one another\u2019s suitability as a long-term companion or spouse. Oftentimes, physical characteristics, personality, financial status, and other aspects of the involved persons are judged. As a result, feelings can be hurt or confidence shaken. Because of the uncertainty of the whole situation, the desire to be acceptable to the other person, and the possibility of rejection, dating can be very stressful for all parties involved.\u201d [Sigh] Sounds exhausting; right?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Keith:<\/strong> [Softly] Thanks, Wikipedia!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> [Laughter] It <em>is <\/em>exhausting! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want you to imagine getting out there in the dating world again after being married for a while. If that is you, you know [the] questions racing through your mind are: \u201cWill I ever find love again?\u201d \u201cWill the kids be okay with him?\u201d or \u201c\u2026her?\u201d \u201cHow do I do this dating thing again?\u201d \u201cAm I ready for this?\u201d \u201cWill I make the same mistake I made <em>last<\/em> time?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are answering these questions and more today with Ron Deal. I\u2019m so thankful for Ron! His knowledge and expert advice give me tools and ideas. As always, he gives his advice through the lens of faith. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist. He\u2019s a professional counselor; frequently appears on national media like <em>Fox News, MSNBC, WGN, Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, <\/em>and <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>! Okay, I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s my conversation with Ron Deal about dating and the single parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about the mechanics of dating. I want to start off our conversation with your red light and yellow light and green light examples, because I think that is a great way to start thinking about things, especially as you\u2019re dating. I\u2019m going to throw out a couple of scenarios from my life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and my experience of dating a single parent, and just ask you, \u201cRed light?\u201d \u201cGreen light?\u201d \u201cYellow light?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Got it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Obviously, I\u2019m still single. I\u2019m not dating anyone right now, so I went through all the red lights! [Laughter] There have been no green lights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, first question or first scenario: You\u2019re on a date; and when you ask that simple question, \u201cHey, so tell me about your life,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re just trying to get to know somebody\u2014\u201cWhere have you lived? Where\u2019d you grow up?\u201d And it turns into a biography of <em>their<\/em> life with a detailed topic of their ex- that lasts through the <em>rest<\/em> of the evening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughter] As in almost like a monologue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It was a <em>total <\/em>monologue.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Wow. Yes, I would say that\u2019s a <em>yellow<\/em> light\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014because it suggests to me that they haven\u2019t worked through some of the pain related to that backstory. It doesn\u2019t necessarily mean \u201cred light,\u201d\u2014\u201cNo, this person is in trouble; you don\u2019t want to partner with him.\u201d It just means, \u201cLearn some more.\u201d That\u2019s what yellow lights mean, by the way: \u201cSlow down; take some caution. You can still proceed forward, but you\u2019re watching carefully; because you\u2019re not sure if there\u2019s something around here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, in the best-case scenario of that, it could just be that they\u2019re talkative. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It\u2019s true!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> This is an expressive person, and they have a few thoughts, and they just roll with it; and they\u2019re a talker! Who knows if that\u2019s a quality you love or don\u2019t love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe worst-case scenario is the fact that there\u2019s so much rolling out\u2014and by the way, if it\u2019s kind of laced with resentment, and some animosity, and there\u2019s some bitterness kind of dripping off of all of these stories, it\u2019s telling you something about their heart, and their sadness, and where they are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the thing I would want you to know: Anger and hurt can tie two people together as tightly as love can. There are a lot of former spouses that are still \u201cmarried,\u201d if you know what I mean. Their anger and hurt is <em>so<\/em> real; they are still emotionally tied to one another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014which means neither one of them\u2014the person you\u2019re dating, especially\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014is free to really give themselves to a new relationship and be objective about a new relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou want to date somebody, Michelle, who is totally objective about <em>you<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014not somebody, who\u2019s going: \u201cOh, Michelle is <em>so <\/em>not my former spouse!\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s so not my ex-wife!\u201d \u201cI\u2019m so glad she\u2019s not my ex-wife!\u201d That\u2019s not a good scenario; you\u2019re being judged based on the <em>former<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s not objective; that\u2019s reactionary. Are you with me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That is a huge <em>yellow<\/em> light. If it <em>stays<\/em> that way\u2014you continue to date; you just see that over and over and over, and you kind of hear more of the story\u2014I would go, \u201cThat turns into a red light.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s listening beneath the words to, \u201cWhat is this telling me about where there heart is?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> When is the appropriate time to share those details of an ex-spouse?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, you know, on some level, on a surface level, it\u2019s part of life; I mean, even, you know, \u201cTell me about who you are, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand what kind of shaped you!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; \u201cYes, I have children,\u201d \u201cYes, I\u2019ve been married before,\u201d \u201cI went to college here.\u201d You know, it is a fact of a person\u2019s history; so it\u2019s appropriate, I think, to hear those things, early on, in your dating experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow much you share about the details of that, and how you feel about all of that, and what the emotional residue is still in your heart as a result of those relationships\u2014you have to have a little bit of trust between you, as a dating couple, for them to even want to reveal that sort of thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So I would assume that would come after a few dates, assuming you\u2019re both interested in one another; your conversation\u2019s beginning to deepen; yes, I think it\u2019s even time for <em>you<\/em> to begin to probe: \u201cYou know, you\u2019ve shared a little bit with me about this. I\u2019d like to hear more about that. What\u2019s the reality of that for you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just\u2014for example: \u201cHow do you feel about your former spouse?\u2014how that marriage ended?\u201d\u2014 those are details you want to know; for example, \u201cDid the former spouse run off and leave this person you\u2019re dating?\u201d \u201cDid this person you\u2019re dating try, for five years, to save the marriage and couldn\u2019t?\u201d \u201cDid they wish, to their dying day, that they could have?\u201d Yes, that person\u2019s still emotionally tied; are you with me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I mean, that\u2019s stuff you want to discern. Or, were they the ones, who kind of said, \u201cI was done; here\u2019s why\u201d; and \u201cHere\u2019s the backstory to that\u201d? Again, all of it is just information. It doesn\u2019t necessarily add up to good or bad; but it does tell you something about who they are and where they are, and their readiness for a new relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other piece is, you know, that former relationship, also\u2014if they have children together\u2014is a co-parenting relationship that lives on today and will live on for the rest of your marriage, if you guys get together. I\u2019s not just, \u201cHow do you feel about your former spouse?\u201d but it\u2019s, \u201cHow do you function as parents? What\u2019s that like?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cWell, pick up and drop off is horrible! We just fight all the time\u2014every time that happens!\u201d You want to know that, because you\u2019re marrying that conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe never talk. You know, the kids go over there; and I just communicate through my kids. I can\u2019t stand dealing with my former spouse, so we just don\u2019t.\u201d That, too, tells you how deep the hurt and pain is, and you\u2019re marrying that. That also tells you something about how this dating partner deals with conflict\u2014they cut people off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So many of the signs of symptoms, of what will eventually come to be, you can learn from hearing somebody\u2019s past and seeing how they deal with co-parenting issues with a former spouse in the present. I just think a lot of people don\u2019t really listen. You know, their need to get married pushes out common sense. They see those things, but they don\u2019t pay any attention to them; they just kind of minimize them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s kind of true of human nature: During dating, we minimize differences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And after the wedding, we exaggerate them! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Obviously, what I\u2019m hearing is: \u201cThose are character flaws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cThose are <em>huge<\/em> character flaws.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And they\u2019re <em>relational<\/em> flaws.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s not just about the person, and what kind of person they are; but it\u2019s their relationships and how they deal with relationships. So, yes; both character flaws and relationship flaws are yellow lights, <em>at least<\/em>. If they persist, they\u2019re red lights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay, next light. So you\u2019re on a second date\u2014on a drive with your date, and your date drives you past their ex\u2019s house\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughter] Okay!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and not just drives past\u2014 points it out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And then turns around and points it out again. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Oh, my goodness! [Laughter] For what purpose?\u2014may I ask? [Laughter] Are we just going, \u201cHey, I just want you to get a good look at where they live\u201d? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And this was not on the main drag.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They went\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> This was out of their way, in a cul-de-sac; hence turning around, I guess.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That feels to <em>me<\/em> like someone is still hung up on someone, or someone is trying to show someone that there\u2019s someone new in the picture. It just\u2014it was <em>very<\/em> <em>confusing<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Green light? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No, there\u2019s no green light there. There\u2019s, at least, a yellow light. [Laughter] There may be a red one. [Laughter] Again, it\u2019s like: \u201cOkay, I\u2019ve got to get really curious about this! What is this telling me about this person?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s their need?\u201d and \u201cWhat were they doing?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you had a conversation, and\u2014I guess, the green light scenario would be: \u201cWe were talking about it.\u201d And <em>you<\/em> were pressing, \u201cNow, where does your ex-wife live?\u201d \u201cWell, she lives over there. . .\u201d \u201cNo, no! I want to know! Where does she live? Does she live on this street or that street?\u201d\u2014you know, <em>you <\/em>were pressing into it, and then they drove you by to see the house, that\u2019s a green light; there\u2019s context there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut this is like, \u201cNo, I have a need for you to see where she lives, and to dialog around that.\u201d You know, if it was a metaphor\u2014here\u2019s a good question to ask yourself when you\u2019re dating somebody, no matter <em>what<\/em> has just happened: \u201cIf this were a metaphor, what\u2019s the message? Is the message, \u2018I stay attached to where my former wife is\u2019?\u201d \u201cOoh! Yes; no thank you. God bless you\u2014moving on!\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a red light. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay. Well, that\u2019s all the dates I had with that one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Good for you! Good for you! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Okay; next one, your date discusses marriage on the first date.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Marriage with <em>you<\/em>?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Marriage with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> In the sense of what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cLet\u2019s go off to Vegas tonight.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No; run! Do not walk; <em>run<\/em> away from that relationship. This is the opposite of the sign at the swimming pool: \u201cRun; do not walk away from there.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, that shows you desperation. Desperation is a <em>horrible<\/em> way to make decisions. You are not objective about yourself; you are not looking at the quality of the relationship. You\u2019re not judging it based upon anything <em>real<\/em>. It\u2019s based upon some <em>pain<\/em>. <em>Never<\/em> make decisions out of pain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Ron Deal, giving some excellent advice about not making those decisions out of pain. Sometimes, that\u2019s a really hard place to be; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we need to take a break; but when we come back, Ron Deal is going to continue helping us make <em>good<\/em> decisions. Stay tuned. We\u2019ll be back in two minutes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. We\u2019ve been talking about dating and the single parent. Actually, we also talked about that last week. If you missed last week\u2019s show, go to the website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com; that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s head back into my conversation with Ron Deal. We\u2019ve been talking about those bad decisions in the midst of the pain.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> A lot of my dating of single dads has come through some online dating apps. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> One thing that I noticed was a lot of these guys would say, \u201cYeah, my ex-wife just remarried.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I would go, \u201cOkay, so what are you doing right now?\u201d \u201cWell, I\u2019ve got to either get a dog or fill this space.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Oh, wow! Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s one thing I was noticing\u2014was pressure to really speed things up. You\u2019re sitting there, listening to some of these stories; and in the back of your mind, you\u2019re like, \u201cIs this smart?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cNot?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t have the red light, green light, yellow light illustration in my mind at the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So you ask yourself, \u201cIf what just happened is a metaphor, what\u2019s the message?\u201d He\u2019s looking for a dog! Are you going to be that dog? [Laughter] I don\u2019t think so!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have the locks of a Golden Retriever, so\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, this is a guy, who\u2019s kind of saying: \u201cYou know, she\u2019s moved on. I\u2019ve got to find something. It\u2019s going to help me break away from her,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve got to spit in her face the way she just spit in mine.\u201d You know, whatever the message is, it\u2019s not a good one. \u201cI just need a companion to help me feel better about me.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNo! You never marry\u2014okay, here\u2019s my favorite <em>worst <\/em>quote about dating. The movie is <em>Jerry Maguire. <\/em>She says to her sister about Tom Cruise: \u201cI love him for the man he almost is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That is the <em>wrong<\/em> reason to be attached to somebody, because the person they <em>aren\u2019t <\/em>is not who you get when you get married! You get the person they <em>are<\/em>;right? So that fantasy thing of: \u201cThis is going to somehow complete my life\/make life okay. It\u2019s all going to be good! We\u2019ll work it out in the end.\u201d No, no, no! That\u2019s unrealistic\u2014an expectation that just sets you and other people\u2014and children\u2014up for more hurt and pain. We don\u2019t need any of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo that person, I would say: \u201cWell, I appreciate your interest. Maybe at some point in the future, we could re-visit this; but I think right now, I\u2019m not interested.\u201d What\u2019s that about? What you\u2019re saying is: \u201cI don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on with you right now; I\u2019m not going to take responsibility for it. I think you need some space to figure this stuff out. If you go find a dog, and that helps, then in six months or a year\u2014you\u2019re still open and you\u2019re in a better place, emotionally\u2014I might be willing to date you. But right now, it\u2019s not good timing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s really good advice. I wish I had had those words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, at the base of all this is a sense of your self-worth and esteem and knowing who you are in Christ. I mean, sometimes I think we overplay that; but I really do think it\u2019s so important to just say\u2014you know, if I\u2019m saying\u00a0 the Dater\u2019s Prayer\u2014\u201c\u2018Lord, <em>You<\/em> have me in the palm of Your hand, and I am okay with You. Help me navigate my singleness. If You bring somebody into my life, help me recognize that and navigate it. And even then, may You be first and foremost in my heart.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re living out that Dater\u2019s Prayer, you have the ability in that situation to say: \u201cThank you, but no thank you. I don\u2019t <em>need<\/em> what you\u2019re not able to offer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cI have what I need.\u201d That empowers you to see the yellow lights for what they are and certainly recognize when a red light has come on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. Okay, I have one more light. Let\u2019s just say that there is someone, who has a mom who wants him to remarry, and to remarry soon; <em>but<\/em> this time, the \u201cbetter girl.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Woo! [Laughter] Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>You\u2019re sitting down to dinner, and mom keeps texting. He refuses to shut off his phone, and he keeps answering her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so if what\u2019s happening in front of you is a metaphor, what\u2019s the message? The message is\u2014he\u2019s got a strong attachment to his mom and is unable to say, \u201cI love you, Mom, but please stop,\u201d which means you\u2019re marrying that! Do you want to marry that? I don\u2019t think so. You want to marry [a person] who is clear of their emotional attachments, and their loyalties, and their obligations to the point where they can offer you all of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you might go out on a second date or a third date, just to see, \u201cIs this a one-time deal\u201d\u2014the whole mom texting thing\u2014\u201cor is this a pattern?\u201d That brings up a good conversation. One thing doesn\u2019t really tell you much of anything, but two times\/three times is a pattern. Patterns are really hard for people to break. Patterns you should pay attention to, because they tell you something about how the person exists over time. If, after a second or a third date, you continue to feel mom\u2019s presence in the room, when you\u2019re with this person, I think that\u2019s a red light. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, we could apply this same principle to\u2014you know, here\u2019s a \u201cfamilyness\u201d red light. You start dating somebody that you think is a great person: they\u2019re a hard worker; they\u2019ve got a great career, make a lot of money; they\u2019re godly in every way that you can see on the outside and inside; and they just happen to be a really lousy parent. You know, that\u2019s, at least, a yellow light, because when you marry them, and become a step-parent to their kids, you\u2019re going to inherit that parenting process and dynamic; and you\u2019re not going to be able to fix it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m convinced that a lot of what we call \u201cwicked stepmothers\u201d and \u201cabusive stepfathers\u201d are just people, who are trying to fix what their spouse refuses to fix in the kids; you\u2019re just trying way too hard and you don\u2019t have the power to make it happen. Know that, going in! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you see that\u2014and, by the way, even as these words come out of my mouth, I recognize: \u201cThis is a bit of a shame. If you find somebody, who is a <em>wonderful<\/em> person\u2014there\u2019s so much potential for your \u2018coupleness,\u2019 but there\u2019s just a lot of difficulty in their life in parenting and kids\u2014it\u2019s a shame that that would need to be a yellow light\/perhaps a red light\u2014but it is what it is. You can\u2019t marry them for the person they <em>almost<\/em> are.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You need to know <em>who<\/em> they are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So, Ron, let\u2019s say it\u2019s a yellow light or it\u2019s a green light, and we continue to get to know this person. At what point is a DTR\u2014a \u201cdefine the relationship\u201d? And does that happen more often in these types of relationships?\u2014in a sort of blended dating relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, I think so. \u201cDefine the relationship\u201d is a conversation around: \u201cYou know, here\u2019s where I am as I think about this relationship. I\u2019m wondering where you are as you think about this relationship.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt some point, that turns into: \u201cHey, I need to define our relationship in a new way. The other day, you corrected my kids when we were on that outing. I just want you to know I\u2019m not ready for you to do that yet. I just need you to talk to me, and I\u2019ll be happy to try to take care of something; but I\u2019d rather you go through me rather than doing it directly.\u201d So that\u2019s a DTR conversation\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014you didn\u2019t know to have until something happened. Yes, alright; use that as a springboard into continuing to deepen your relationship. By the way, what\u2019s the value of doing that? When you set a boundary with someone that you\u2019re dating\u2014and if they say: \u201cWell, no; I don\u2019t care what you say! I should be able to tell your kids to stop doing whatever,\u201d\u2014you just learned something <em>really <\/em>important; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, this helps bring to the surface different pieces of the puzzle to help <em>you<\/em> get objective information and decide how to move forward. If, on the other hand, the person says: \u201cOh, you know, you\u2019re right. I\u2019m sorry. That\u2019s not my place,\u201d they can recognize their place and what it is and what it isn\u2019t. They can learn\u2014that\u2019s a good quality. You just learned something positive that you needed to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSure enough, the next day they come to you with, \u201cHey, would you mind asking your kids not to throw my glass vases around the living room?\u201d \u201cYes! Thank you for coming to me.\u201d [Laughter] Like, \u201cThat\u2019s a legitimate need.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What kids are throwing glass vases? [Laughter] Sorry, sorry\u2014it is a legitimate need, Ron; I\u2019m just\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly! And now, you have something that you need to take care of. By the way, if this dating partner sees that you are unwilling to stop your kids from throwing glass vases, they just learned something about <em>you<\/em> they need to know. This helps <em>everybody<\/em> move forward in the relationship. You\u2019re learning what you need to learn about one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of the day, either you\u2019re gaining confidence in your future, or you\u2019re losing confidence in your future. Now, sometimes, you\u2019re just kind of maintaining the confidence you have\u2014it\u2019s not really going up or down\u2014okay, keep dating! But if it\u2019s going down; yellow lights are turning pink\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014pretty soon they\u2019re orange.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014pretty soon they\u2019re orange, and then they\u2019re <em>red.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So you\u2019re defining the relationship; the relationship\u2019s going well. You\u2019ve been dating three months\/four months; the kids love the person; and you\u2019re thinking: \u201cOkay! This is great!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cLet\u2019s just jump in!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Is that really good advice?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, I really hate trying to put a time frame on dating. People have pressed me for that: \u201cHow long should we date?\u201d I don\u2019t know! It depends on the age of the kids, where they are: \u201cIs the oldest one in college?\u201d \u201cAre they out of the house?\u201d \u201cAre they really young?\u201d \u201cHow about <em>you<\/em>? What have you been through?\u201d \u201cWhat about this person you\u2019re dating\u2014what have they been through? Have they been through three divorces, and are they <em>really<\/em> needing time before they make another commitment?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of that stuff matters; okay? And let me just say\u2014after three or four months, you can be ready to get married; but your kids may not be ready for you to get married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s a good point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So we need to slow it down; we might start making plans, but they\u2019re off in the distance. We\u2019re not going to move toward co-habitation; that just confuses everybody\u2014there are so many things around that. Just spiritually, that lacks obedience; but practically and relationally, it just makes things messy, I think. You need clarity, not ambiguity, in this relationship. Clarity is: \u201cWe\u2019re dating; we\u2019re not together\u201d; and then, \u201cWe\u2019re married, and we <em>are <\/em>together,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s clarity! Moving in together just adds ambiguity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTake it a step at a time. Surround yourself with other people. Have a mentor: find a couple, that\u2019s a blended couple, that is five, seven, ten years down the road further than you\u2014they\u2019re already married\u2014and take them to dinner once a month. Pick their brains, as a dating couple, sitting with another married couple, going, \u201cWhat do we need to know that we can\u2019t see, that you guys can see at this point?\u201d Surround yourself with all of those things to help you either, again, gain confidence or maintain; or if you start losing confidence, that\u2019s information you need to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, great advice! Thanks, Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, glad to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That was my conversation with Ron Deal about single and the dating parent. Ron gives leadership to The Smart Stepfamily<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and also FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. It\u2019s his goal to help blended families thrive. Most of our conversation today came out of his book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent<\/em>. If you want to hear more from Ron, he has a podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. Why don\u2019t you just go to our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014FamilyLifeThisWeek.com\u2014and there\u2019s a link to Ron\u2019s podcast. It\u2019s worth your time!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, thanks for joining me today! Next week, we\u2019re going to talk a little bit more on singleness. We\u2019re going to hear from Lisa Anderson; and with her quick wit, I can guarantee a laugh or two! We\u2019ll also hear an epic love story from a young gal who adopted 14 girls before finding her prince. It\u2019s a blended family story of epic proportions. I hope you can join us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Keith Lynch. Thanks to our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"about:blank\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"about:blank\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305708","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305708"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305708"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305708"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305708"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305708"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305708"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305708"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}