{"id":305693,"date":"2020-01-18T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2020-01-18T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-1\/"},"modified":"2020-01-18T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2020-01-18T11:00:05","slug":"dating-and-the-single-parent-part-1","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Dating and the Single Parent, Part 1"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Single Parent Dating 101: How to do it successfully and what to avoid. Ron Deal offers a biblical perspective on this minefield of complex relationships. How to date wisely as a single parent.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-01-18.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26883035","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2859],"tags":[5049],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-305693","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","hentry","category-dating-and-preparing-for-marriage","tag-single-parenting","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":false,"episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305693\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-1","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305693\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-1","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"nlI7NIn6cE\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-1\/\">Dating and the Single Parent, Part 1<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/dating-and-the-single-parent-part-1\/embed\/#?secret=nlI7NIn6cE\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Dating and the Single Parent, Part 1&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"nlI7NIn6cE\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/flw\/flw2020-01-18.pdf"],"audio_file":["http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-01-18.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Recently, I was asking my friend, Ron Deal, for some relationship advice. He said that, for people who have been married, you may feel ready to start dating again; but he says there are some special considerations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cBecoming a couple is one thing; but becoming a family is something totally different,\u201d\u2014which means, Michelle; and here\u2019s the punch line\u2014you may find somebody that you love and think you could build a life around, as a couple, but you don\u2019t think it would work as a family. That\u2019s a deal-breaker! I think you have to consider <em>both things<\/em> in the dating process. If you know that, on the front end, then all of a sudden, your eyes are looking for different things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to talk about dating and the single parent with blended family expert, Ron Deal, on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I\u2019m Michelle Hill. It was over a decade ago that I took the <em>plunge<\/em> into online dating; it didn\u2019t work though. I thought I would try it again this year; and this year, well, it hasn\u2019t worked <em>yet<\/em>;but I have met some interesting men. This time around, it has been a lot different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis time, all the men that I\u2019ve gotten to know, have had children from previous relationships. So, in my mind, this dating pond was <em>very<\/em> different. It got me to wondering, \u201cWhat was going on in <em>his<\/em> mind?\u201d; because I\u2019m sure he had some questions like: \u201cHow is this going to affect my kids? Will she accept them? Am I ready for this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is where you need a prayer for dating\u2014a prayer that goes like this:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, work out Your kingdom agenda in me. I am Yours. Let me be a living sacrifice of salt and light. If you bring someone into my life, who submits to Your will and will help me to love You more, then let that person be evident to me. Let me not miss Your provision. If not, let me be content with Your provision and at ease in my singleness as I seek first the kingdom of heaven. Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat prayer was written by Ron Deal. Ron is a regular guest on <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>He gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and is widely-acknowledged for his work with blended families. He\u2019s written many books, including <em>Dating and the Single Parent. <\/em>If you\u2019ve ever talked to him, you know that he\u2019s an easy guy to talk to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI got Ron in the studio to help me understand what I might be getting into if this online dating worked this time. Here\u2019s my conversation with Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Ron, as I\u2019m understanding more and more about the complex issues of a blended family\u2014you know, you\u2019re an expert in blended families\u2014you\u2019ve been helping blended families just work through issues for many, many years. It\u2019s not just when they\u2019re married, and it\u2019s not just when they\u2019re engaged that they need to start thinking through these things. Quite frankly, it\u2019s not just when they\u2019re <em>dating<\/em> that they need to think through how to blend their family; it\u2019s even before that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, ideally. For years, I\u2019ve said that single parents, who do a really good job with their kids, have an easier adjustment period\u2014not just the parent, but the children\u2014into a blended family, if that should come down the road for them. The more a single parent understands about their journey into the single-parent world\u2014number one and number two: what it takes to become a blended family, the better decisions they make; the better timing and pacing that they have in dating and how they move forward\u2014ultimately, that leads to stronger kids and a stronger family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, based on what single parents learn, they will choose to delay dating until a season when it\u2019s a little bit easier on their kids, for example. Other single parents will go: \u201cYou know what? I have information now, and I have a sense of this. I\u2019m going to move through it and trust God along the way.\u201d I just <em>firmly<\/em> believe you\u2019re absolutely right\u2014the more you know, on the front end, the better the process goes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So let\u2019s talk about that process. How does a single parent know when they are ready to date again?\u2014because someone is listening right now and saying: \u201cOkay, I just want to feel love again,\u201d or \u201cI want to love again,\u201d or \u201cI just want companionship again; I want someone to talk to. I\u2019m tired of just raising my kids on my own.\u201d Walk us through that. How do you know when you are ready to date again? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, there\u2019s a lot to unpack there in what you just said. Those are legitimate feelings for single parents to have\u2014feeling alone, wanting a partner\/someone to share decisions with\/to share parenting with, to live life with\u2014a companion for life\u2014that\u2019s all very legitimate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just quickly say that dating, for a single parent, is fundamentally different than it is dating for somebody, who does not have children, and dating someone else, who does not have children\u2014two single people with no kids. It\u2019s fundamentally different <em>because<\/em> you\u2019re not just creating, what I like to call, \u201ccoupleness.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You also have to figure out how to maneuver into \u201cfamilyness.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s one thing for you to say, \u201cI\u2019m lonely, and I need a companion,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s \u201ccoupleness.\u201d It\u2019s another thing to say: \u201cAnd we\u2019re going to create a family, where my children feel comfortable with their step-parent; my spouse feels comfortable with the kids\u2014that we, at the end of the day, can function as a family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHow will this affect my former spouse, if that person is still living? How does this affect the memory of a deceased parent in the hearts of children?\u201d There are <em>so many<\/em> other things to consider besides just becoming a couple. Really, this is the fundamental truth that single parents really need to hear\u2014or if you\u2019re dating a single parent: \u201cBecoming a couple is one thing, but becoming a family is something totally different,\u201d\u2014which means, Michelle; and here\u2019s the punch line\u2014\u201cyou may find somebody that you love and think you could build a life around, as a couple, but you don\u2019t think it would work as a family.\u201d That\u2019s a deal-breaker. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think you have to consider <em>both things<\/em> in the dating process. If you know that, on the front end, then all of a sudden, your eyes are looking for different things\u2014not just a person: \u201cOh, tall, dark, and handsome!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, all those good characteristics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> But \u201cHow will my children receive \u2018tall, dark, and handsome\u2019?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a different question. It\u2019s not to say that he\u2019s not the right person. It\u2019s just to say that it\u2019s more complicated than falling in love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So really, it sounds like, on that first date, when you have that \u201cinterview\u201d sort of feeling to it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014that you\u2019re having to keep in the back of your mind, \u201cIt\u2019s not about if I could get along with this person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201cIf I could build a life.\u201d It\u2019s about whether my children could do the same.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, I start this book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent, <\/em>with a story. I can tell you\u2014I\u2019ve had this email in various forms a <em>million<\/em> times\u2014it goes like this: \u201cI\u2019ve fallen in love with this guy, but he is a horrible parent to his children. I\u2019ve just recognized that he might not be a great parent to my kids; but I love <em>him<\/em>. Is it still okay if we get married?\u201d\u2014you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen! The challenges that come with step-family living have to do with parenting, and step-parenting ,and boundary issues, and children who go: \u201cMom, we love you and we kind of like him, but we don\u2019t <em>love <\/em>him. By the way, Dad is telling us we don\u2019t have to love him; and if we do love him, Dad\u2019s going to be mad at us. We\u2019re really going to be loyal to Dad and not to your new husband. Sorry! We\u2019re not a family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>That\u2019s<\/em> the stuff that breaks up blended family couple marriages. If you go in, na\u00efve to that process, and think it\u2019s just about \u201ccoupleness,\u201d oh, you\u2019re going to wrestle and suffer under the \u201cfamilyness\u201d strife. So, yes!\u2014on that first date, in the back of your mind, you need to hold on to a different set of questions. The first set is, in the front of your mind, is: \u201cDo I like this person? Do we have a good time? Do we spend time\/do we have anything in common? Is there a <em>reason<\/em> to go on a second date?\u201d Those are \u201ccoupleness\u201d questions. But in the back of your mind, you\u2019re wondering, \u201cI wonder what the family factors will be like?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrom a <em>timing<\/em> standpoint, you start with the \u201ccoupleness\u201d stuff; but pretty quickly, you\u2019ve got to get to the \u201cfamilyness\u201d factors and consider <em>both<\/em>. <em>When<\/em> you find what you feel like is a good combination of both, move forward; absolutely! <em>Enjoy<\/em> that relationship; put it under the grace of God and go!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I\u2019m just thinking of <em>my<\/em> life, and being single and dating. You don\u2019t want to compromise. You have people, all the time, saying, \u201cDon\u2019t compromise.\u201d Well, when you\u2019re dating <em>and<\/em> a single parent, you don\u2019t want to compromise on <em>your<\/em> convictions, but you also have to uphold those convictions for your children, and understand where your children are going and what <em>they<\/em> need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s hard!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. And you know, sometimes people are willing to compromise to just not be alone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, like you\u2019re going out with some woman or some guy that you kind of like\u2014but inside you know you don\u2019t really love, and you\u2019re probably not really going to love enough to marry\u2014but it\u2019s better than just being alone on a Friday night. Sometimes, I\u2019ve seen single parents do that; and they think it\u2019s really not a big deal for their kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve got two big cautions around that. One is: if you have children under the age of five, little kids fall in love with adults pretty fast; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Your kids could fall in love with this new person, you\u2019re dating and not serious about, and they can get serious about them. Then you end it; and your kids are going: \u201cWhat happened?! I liked her! Where did she go?\u201d\u2014you know? Inside their heart, they\u2019re just full of more questions about how people come in and out of your life. That\u2019s not one of those messages we want them to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other caution about it is: if you\u2019re flippant about dating somebody, you\u2019re modeling for older children what dating\u2019s really all about and how you manage boundaries in relationships. They\u2019re watching. You have an <em>incredible<\/em> opportunity to show them: \u201cYou know? We make choices in life, and he\u2019s just not the right guy,\u201d \u201c\u2026she\u2019s just not the right gal; and you move on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Or<\/em> you end up showing your kids how to accommodate, and then <em>they<\/em> make those choices; and you don\u2019t like it when they bring home somebody that they\u2019re really <em>never<\/em> going to spend their life with; but they\u2019re going to hang out with: \u201cIt\u2019s better than being alone on Friday night.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, so again\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014from generation to generation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; right. So again, be cautious about that. Take <em>seriously<\/em> what you are <em>modeling<\/em> and the environment you\u2019re creating for your kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> In your book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent, <\/em>you quote a young mom. Here\u2019s what she said: \u201cI chose to wait it out. I had two very angry children, who were acting out after the divorce. People told me, for years, I was wasting my life; that if I brought a man into their lives, it would help them not act out so much. I turned 50 this year. I raised them for 14 years on my own. They are adults now; the youngest of my four is 20, and now I think about dating. I am trusting God to bring a man into my life if that is His will.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I know that\u2019s not <em>everybody\u2019s<\/em> story\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014because there are many options. No one\u2019s story is the same; but yet, she <em>chose<\/em> to do this for her kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, I think that\u2019s admirable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and [she] sacrificed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and sacrificial. For some people, it is the right call. I don\u2019t even begin to pretend that I know whether people should or should not\u2014right?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014date, move forward, blend a family. I am <em>not<\/em> God. I make that <em>very<\/em> clear; and in this book I make that very clear, but I do just present all sides. In other words, I think one of the messages in this for single parents\u2014or somebody who\u2019s <em>dating<\/em> a single parent\u2014is: \u201cIt\u2019s okay\/it\u2019s legitimate\u00a0 to raise your kids by yourself and then consider dating and a new couple relationship at some point later in life when your children are a little less dependent on you. You just need to know that is an option.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDon\u2019t let that pressure force you into\u2014or I would say <em>push<\/em> you into\u2014perhaps even a relationship you wouldn\u2019t normally go into because you feel like you\u2019ve got to give your kids another parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. What about the single mom out there, who might have three kids; and her children spend a weekend a month, or two weekends a month, with their dad, who <em>has <\/em>remarried? The kids are seeing <em>this<\/em> play out, one or two weekends a month, and they come home and they are like: \u201cWell, Mom, when are <em>you<\/em> going to get married? When do we get a daddy in <em>this<\/em> home?\u201d I mean, there\u2019s that pressure also from, you know, yourself and the outside world, but also within your own home, with your kids going, \u201cWhat about you, Mom?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, sometimes kids will say that on behalf of their parent. It\u2019s okay, even then, to say: \u201cOh, I appreciate that. Come here and give me a hug! I love you, and God is taking care of us. We\u2019re just going to trust Him with our life. Who knows? Maybe someday, that will happen.\u201d Give them that hug and move on. Don\u2019t feel pressured into moving down that road <em>unless<\/em> it\u2019s really something <em>you<\/em> desire and you feel like, as you move into a dating relationship, it\u2019s going to bless your kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Some excellent words on dating and the single parent from Ron Deal. Hey, I hate to do this, but we need to take a quick break. I\u2019ll be back with more of my conversation with Ron in two minutes. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. Today, we are talking about dating and the single parent. As I mentioned earlier, I\u2019ve recently started online dating; and a lot of the men, whom I\u2019ve gotten to know, have children from previous relationships. For some people, they\u2019re having to answer, \u201cWho is this new person in Mommy or Daddy\u2019s life?\u201d So that\u2019s when I asked Ron Deal: \u201cJust when and how do you have that dating conversation with your kids?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If your children are old enough, and you feel like they\u2019re going to have an opinion about all of this, then I would engage them in what I like to call \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d conversations\u2014you know, \u201cWhat if Daddy started dating again? How would you guys feel about that?\u201d Just toss out that question over dinner one night. See what happens; watch the reactions; <em>learn<\/em> something about what\u2019s inside your kids; and then move on. Take it as a grain of salt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI call this \u201cassessment and intervention\u201d all at the same time. It\u2019s assessment in the sense that <em>you\u2019re<\/em> learning something about what\u2019s going on in your children. By the way, if you\u2019re asking, five dates in and they\u2019ve already met the guy, <em>now<\/em> their answer is based on what\u2019s <em>happening<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014not on the hypothetical, \u201cWhat might happen.\u201d So ask <em>beforehand<\/em> if at all possible; right? Somebody listening to this right now, went, \u201cOops! I\u2019m already dating.\u201d Okay, start now! [Laughter] It\u2019s okay, so start now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou get assessment\u2014you learn something about your kids. You\u2019ll have one kid, who goes, \u201cOh! I think that will be great!\u201d Another kid says, \u201cWhat!? No way!\u201d You will find out pretty fast what kids think. But it\u2019s also intervention in the sense that you are planting a seed to tell them, \u201cThis may happen someday.\u201d It doesn\u2019t mean that they\u2019re automatically going to be okay with it when it does happen, but you gave them a little warning; right? You\u2019re still the parent; you\u2019re still the adult. You get to make those decisions, and you gave them a little warning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have repeated \u201cWhat if?\u201d questions: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat if\u2014do you see that guy over there? You guys know him from\u2014you know his son\u201d or \u201cdaughter from school, right? We see him at the soccer field: \u201cWhat if I went out on a date with him?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201dWell, we\u2019re going out on Friday night, so how do you guys feel about this whole thing of me dating that person?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWell, we\u2019ve been out three times. I\u2019m thinking about going out with him again. What do you guys think about that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, the \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d just keeps going; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cWhat if I got married to him?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, eventually, over a period of weeks, months\/years, there\u2019s a series of \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d questions that are checking in with your kids. Now, note, you are moving <em>toward <\/em>the heart of your children in this process. There\u2019s a paradox here, Michelle. When you move toward your children, as you\u2019re moving toward another adult, you\u2019re giving balance to what needs to happen in the blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Now, when is the appropriate time if\u2014let\u2019s say you\u2019re dating\u2014when is the appropriate time to bring this person into your kids\u2019 lives and still try to shield your kids, you know, from them falling in love before you are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, good. So again, developmental considerations are one little piece of this. Really young kids fall in love with adults pretty fast. You need to be really careful about exposing children, under the age of five, to a new dating partner. I wouldn\u2019t expose them to that new dating partner until you really felt like there was some future here: \u201cNow we need to take the next step\u201d; okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith elementary-aged and teenagers, you can\u2019t always orchestrate when and how they discover one another or how all that happens. Sometimes by accident, they just see each other. Again, the soccer field meeting; they see what\u2019s happening across the room. I talked to a couple, just the other day, whose kids figured out that their parents had crushes on each other before the parents figured it out; you know? [Laughter] They were talking at school about, \u201cI think my dad likes your mom.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can\u2019t always orchestrate those things. That\u2019s why it\u2019s pretty good to do the \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d dialogue; because <em>when <\/em>it happens, you\u2019ve already got an open conversation around this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s nothing new. We don\u2019t have to pull this out and somehow make it all nice and pretty; we\u2019ve already been talking about this stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn terms of saying, \u201cAlright, my three kids are going to spend the afternoon with this guy I\u2019ve been dating,\u201d \/ \u201c\u2026this woman that I\u2019ve been dating for a while,\u201d I think you can just pick an activity that everybody enjoys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s kind of like dating; now, the kids and adults are dating a little bit. We\u2019re going to find something to do, where we can be around one another and enjoy each other\u2019s company a little bit; so you do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, you know, that\u2019s a nice place to <em>start<\/em>. It\u2019s kind of like dating another person; you go out and have dinner and a movie. But eventually, you have to get past the fun stuff, and you\u2019ve got to get down to: \u201cHow do you feel about life? What\u2019s your outlook on life and your worldview?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you start with those easy things and then you begin to move to just more time around one another\/around real-life activities. You\u2019re watching, and you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re absorbing. You\u2019re checking in with your kids when that evening or that afternoon is over: \u201cHow did that go for you? What was that like? What were you feeling?\u201d You\u2019re kind of bringing them along. You\u2019re constantly moving toward them while you\u2019re also moving toward this other person. It just helps <em>inform<\/em> the next decision.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to throw out a scenario here. Let\u2019s say that Susie is sitting in the room right now with us. She was married for many years; she\u2019s divorced. She feels like she\u2019s ready to move on. She meets this guy; she starts dating him. She <em>soon<\/em> goes down this path of marriage in her mind. They haven\u2019t talked about it; but in her mind, maybe she\u2019s thinking about it too soon. How would you counsel her to keep her feelings in check?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> First of all, you\u2019ve got to recognize what\u2019s going on inside, you know? You find yourself thinking a lot about this person\u2014you know, all that infatuation stuff. What hits you in seventh grade is also what hits you when you\u2019re 45!\u2014[Laughter]\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve got to recognize that for what it is, and talk to it: \u201cAlright, self, right now you\u2019ve got this fantasy that has developed really fast. There\u2019s a dream behind it, and you\u2019re motivated to make it happen.\u201d We need to relax a little bit on this. We need to slow down the process a little bit and keep praying. In the book, I call it \u201cThe Dater\u2019s Prayer.\u201d You know, it is that: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, I am Yours. I\u2019m trusting You with my life, now, as a single person. If You bring someone into my life, let me be objective about that. Let me see them through Your eyes. Let me continue to trust You, not fall in love with the fantasy that <em>they<\/em> are going to fulfill me in this world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat prayer helps you stay grounded.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Having friends is really helpful, too, because they can give you some objective, outside point of view about what you\u2019re doing, and how you\u2019re acting, and help you recognize how strong the infatuation might be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And that\u2019s got to be hard; because I\u2019m also thinking, \u201cWhat if she has\u2014what if Susie is dealing with a teenage son, who needs a strong father figure?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That would be <em>way<\/em> too easy to say, \u201cThis is it!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, right; again: \u201cWe\u2019re going to plug in this person. We\u2019re going to hire some\u2014I mean, <em>marry<\/em> somebody to parent my\u2026\u201d [Laughter] Did that just come out of my mouth!? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s kind of funny how that happened\u2014a little Freudian slip on purpose there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughing]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you know, honestly, sometimes that\u2019s the way people approach this\u2014like: \u201cI\u2019ve got to give my son a dad!\u201d <em>No<\/em>, you don\u2019t\u2014and not in <em>that<\/em> manner\u2014okay? Take your time! The slower pace, where you\u2019re checking in with everybody and you move into deepening relationship\u2014not just as a couple, but with the family factors in mind\u2014then, when you make a decision toward marriage, you\u2019re still going to have adjustments. It\u2019s not reality until everybody moves into the same house together\u2014like it ain\u2019t real until it\u2019s real! But the process of moving into reality is far <em>better<\/em> for everybody involved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes; this sounds <em>hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, it is!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> As you\u2019re talking through it, I\u2019m just thinking, \u201cThere\u2019s so much to keep in mind; there\u2019s so much to filter through.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand to continue to pray over!\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cconstantly, at every step along the way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have enough time in my day for that much prayer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughing] I\u2019m with you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I\u2019m just saying!\u2014it just sounds very complex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I think we, as humans, don\u2019t consider the complexity of all that we\u2019re working through. When we have a goal in mind, we have steps that we need to take in order to get to that goal; and we have people we need to keep in mind as we do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let me just give you a couple of little stats, just to give you some perspective about why we\u2019re saying, \u201cTake your time with this complex process.\u201d Number one, children who feel like they\u2019ve been included in a decision toward their parents\u2019 marriage and forming a blended family have an easier adjustment period after the wedding. If they feel like they\u2019ve been included\u2014not overrun, not left behind, but they\u2019ve been a part of the process\u2014it makes a difference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two, depending on the study that you read\u2014one study that I did with David Olson for a book we wrote, called <em>The Smart Stepfamily Marriage\u2014<\/em>we found that less than two-thirds of couples, probably even <em>half<\/em> of dating couples, have a serious conversation about how they\u2019re going to parent after the wedding: \u201cHow we\u2019re going to parent and step-parent together\u2014my children, your children, our children\u201d\u2014whatever the scenario is\u2014<em>less than half<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuess what? One of the biggest factors determining the success of a marriage and a family, after the wedding, is how you parent together; so if you don\u2019t do the work on the front end, you\u2019re just asking for trouble on the back-end. That\u2019s why dating <em>well<\/em> really matters. If you date well\u2014if you maneuver through the process at a pace, where children come along; adults feel greater confidence in their \u201ccoupleness\u201d and the \u201cfamily-ness,\u201d\u2014then, <em>when<\/em> the marriage happens, you really get to reap the rewards.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, no promises of \u201cEverything is easy,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m not saying that!\u2014but it\u2019s much <em>easier<\/em>, and <em>less<\/em> complicated, and <em>less<\/em> troublesome. I think it\u2019s <em>worth<\/em> counting your calories on the front end instead of just having to burn off all the fat later on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s just Day One of my conversation with Ron Deal. We\u2019re going to talk more <em>next week<\/em> about dating and the single parent, because there\u2019s a lot more to talk about! Ron and I will be playing a stoplight game. We\u2019ll find out who is worthy of the green light in dating; or the yellow caution light; or the big, fat red \u201cNo!\u201d I hope you can join us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. And a big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Keith Lynch. Thanks to our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"about:blank\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"about:blank\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:00"],"show_notes":[""],"filesize":["25.64M"],"filesize_raw":["26883035"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305693.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305693.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: 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Parent Dating 101: How to do it successfully and what to avoid. Ron Deal offers a biblical perspective on this minefield of complex relationships. How to date wisely as a single parent.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/flw\/flw2020-01-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Recently, I was asking my friend, Ron Deal, for some relationship advice. He said that, for people who have been married, you may feel ready to start dating again; but he says there are some special considerations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cBecoming a couple is one thing; but becoming a family is something totally different,\u201d\u2014which means, Michelle; and here\u2019s the punch line\u2014you may find somebody that you love and think you could build a life around, as a couple, but you don\u2019t think it would work as a family. That\u2019s a deal-breaker! I think you have to consider <em>both things<\/em> in the dating process. If you know that, on the front end, then all of a sudden, your eyes are looking for different things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to talk about dating and the single parent with blended family expert, Ron Deal, on this edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>I\u2019m Michelle Hill. It was over a decade ago that I took the <em>plunge<\/em> into online dating; it didn\u2019t work though. I thought I would try it again this year; and this year, well, it hasn\u2019t worked <em>yet<\/em>;but I have met some interesting men. This time around, it has been a lot different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis time, all the men that I\u2019ve gotten to know, have had children from previous relationships. So, in my mind, this dating pond was <em>very<\/em> different. It got me to wondering, \u201cWhat was going on in <em>his<\/em> mind?\u201d; because I\u2019m sure he had some questions like: \u201cHow is this going to affect my kids? Will she accept them? Am I ready for this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is where you need a prayer for dating\u2014a prayer that goes like this:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, work out Your kingdom agenda in me. I am Yours. Let me be a living sacrifice of salt and light. If you bring someone into my life, who submits to Your will and will help me to love You more, then let that person be evident to me. Let me not miss Your provision. If not, let me be content with Your provision and at ease in my singleness as I seek first the kingdom of heaven. Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat prayer was written by Ron Deal. Ron is a regular guest on <em>FamilyLife This Week. <\/em>He gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and is widely-acknowledged for his work with blended families. He\u2019s written many books, including <em>Dating and the Single Parent. <\/em>If you\u2019ve ever talked to him, you know that he\u2019s an easy guy to talk to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI got Ron in the studio to help me understand what I might be getting into if this online dating worked this time. Here\u2019s my conversation with Ron.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Ron, as I\u2019m understanding more and more about the complex issues of a blended family\u2014you know, you\u2019re an expert in blended families\u2014you\u2019ve been helping blended families just work through issues for many, many years. It\u2019s not just when they\u2019re married, and it\u2019s not just when they\u2019re engaged that they need to start thinking through these things. Quite frankly, it\u2019s not just when they\u2019re <em>dating<\/em> that they need to think through how to blend their family; it\u2019s even before that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, ideally. For years, I\u2019ve said that single parents, who do a really good job with their kids, have an easier adjustment period\u2014not just the parent, but the children\u2014into a blended family, if that should come down the road for them. The more a single parent understands about their journey into the single-parent world\u2014number one and number two: what it takes to become a blended family, the better decisions they make; the better timing and pacing that they have in dating and how they move forward\u2014ultimately, that leads to stronger kids and a stronger family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, based on what single parents learn, they will choose to delay dating until a season when it\u2019s a little bit easier on their kids, for example. Other single parents will go: \u201cYou know what? I have information now, and I have a sense of this. I\u2019m going to move through it and trust God along the way.\u201d I just <em>firmly<\/em> believe you\u2019re absolutely right\u2014the more you know, on the front end, the better the process goes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So let\u2019s talk about that process. How does a single parent know when they are ready to date again?\u2014because someone is listening right now and saying: \u201cOkay, I just want to feel love again,\u201d or \u201cI want to love again,\u201d or \u201cI just want companionship again; I want someone to talk to. I\u2019m tired of just raising my kids on my own.\u201d Walk us through that. How do you know when you are ready to date again? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, there\u2019s a lot to unpack there in what you just said. Those are legitimate feelings for single parents to have\u2014feeling alone, wanting a partner\/someone to share decisions with\/to share parenting with, to live life with\u2014a companion for life\u2014that\u2019s all very legitimate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just quickly say that dating, for a single parent, is fundamentally different than it is dating for somebody, who does not have children, and dating someone else, who does not have children\u2014two single people with no kids. It\u2019s fundamentally different <em>because<\/em> you\u2019re not just creating, what I like to call, \u201ccoupleness.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You also have to figure out how to maneuver into \u201cfamilyness.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s one thing for you to say, \u201cI\u2019m lonely, and I need a companion,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s \u201ccoupleness.\u201d It\u2019s another thing to say: \u201cAnd we\u2019re going to create a family, where my children feel comfortable with their step-parent; my spouse feels comfortable with the kids\u2014that we, at the end of the day, can function as a family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cHow will this affect my former spouse, if that person is still living? How does this affect the memory of a deceased parent in the hearts of children?\u201d There are <em>so many<\/em> other things to consider besides just becoming a couple. Really, this is the fundamental truth that single parents really need to hear\u2014or if you\u2019re dating a single parent: \u201cBecoming a couple is one thing, but becoming a family is something totally different,\u201d\u2014which means, Michelle; and here\u2019s the punch line\u2014\u201cyou may find somebody that you love and think you could build a life around, as a couple, but you don\u2019t think it would work as a family.\u201d That\u2019s a deal-breaker. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think you have to consider <em>both things<\/em> in the dating process. If you know that, on the front end, then all of a sudden, your eyes are looking for different things\u2014not just a person: \u201cOh, tall, dark, and handsome!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes, all those good characteristics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> But \u201cHow will my children receive \u2018tall, dark, and handsome\u2019?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a different question. It\u2019s not to say that he\u2019s not the right person. It\u2019s just to say that it\u2019s more complicated than falling in love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So really, it sounds like, on that first date, when you have that \u201cinterview\u201d sort of feeling to it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014that you\u2019re having to keep in the back of your mind, \u201cIt\u2019s not about if I could get along with this person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201cIf I could build a life.\u201d It\u2019s about whether my children could do the same.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, I start this book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent, <\/em>with a story. I can tell you\u2014I\u2019ve had this email in various forms a <em>million<\/em> times\u2014it goes like this: \u201cI\u2019ve fallen in love with this guy, but he is a horrible parent to his children. I\u2019ve just recognized that he might not be a great parent to my kids; but I love <em>him<\/em>. Is it still okay if we get married?\u201d\u2014you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen! The challenges that come with step-family living have to do with parenting, and step-parenting ,and boundary issues, and children who go: \u201cMom, we love you and we kind of like him, but we don\u2019t <em>love <\/em>him. By the way, Dad is telling us we don\u2019t have to love him; and if we do love him, Dad\u2019s going to be mad at us. We\u2019re really going to be loyal to Dad and not to your new husband. Sorry! We\u2019re not a family.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>That\u2019s<\/em> the stuff that breaks up blended family couple marriages. If you go in, na\u00efve to that process, and think it\u2019s just about \u201ccoupleness,\u201d oh, you\u2019re going to wrestle and suffer under the \u201cfamilyness\u201d strife. So, yes!\u2014on that first date, in the back of your mind, you need to hold on to a different set of questions. The first set is, in the front of your mind, is: \u201cDo I like this person? Do we have a good time? Do we spend time\/do we have anything in common? Is there a <em>reason<\/em> to go on a second date?\u201d Those are \u201ccoupleness\u201d questions. But in the back of your mind, you\u2019re wondering, \u201cI wonder what the family factors will be like?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrom a <em>timing<\/em> standpoint, you start with the \u201ccoupleness\u201d stuff; but pretty quickly, you\u2019ve got to get to the \u201cfamilyness\u201d factors and consider <em>both<\/em>. <em>When<\/em> you find what you feel like is a good combination of both, move forward; absolutely! <em>Enjoy<\/em> that relationship; put it under the grace of God and go!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I\u2019m just thinking of <em>my<\/em> life, and being single and dating. You don\u2019t want to compromise. You have people, all the time, saying, \u201cDon\u2019t compromise.\u201d Well, when you\u2019re dating <em>and<\/em> a single parent, you don\u2019t want to compromise on <em>your<\/em> convictions, but you also have to uphold those convictions for your children, and understand where your children are going and what <em>they<\/em> need.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s hard!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. And you know, sometimes people are willing to compromise to just not be alone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, like you\u2019re going out with some woman or some guy that you kind of like\u2014but inside you know you don\u2019t really love, and you\u2019re probably not really going to love enough to marry\u2014but it\u2019s better than just being alone on a Friday night. Sometimes, I\u2019ve seen single parents do that; and they think it\u2019s really not a big deal for their kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve got two big cautions around that. One is: if you have children under the age of five, little kids fall in love with adults pretty fast; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Your kids could fall in love with this new person, you\u2019re dating and not serious about, and they can get serious about them. Then you end it; and your kids are going: \u201cWhat happened?! I liked her! Where did she go?\u201d\u2014you know? Inside their heart, they\u2019re just full of more questions about how people come in and out of your life. That\u2019s not one of those messages we want them to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other caution about it is: if you\u2019re flippant about dating somebody, you\u2019re modeling for older children what dating\u2019s really all about and how you manage boundaries in relationships. They\u2019re watching. You have an <em>incredible<\/em> opportunity to show them: \u201cYou know? We make choices in life, and he\u2019s just not the right guy,\u201d \u201c\u2026she\u2019s just not the right gal; and you move on.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Or<\/em> you end up showing your kids how to accommodate, and then <em>they<\/em> make those choices; and you don\u2019t like it when they bring home somebody that they\u2019re really <em>never<\/em> going to spend their life with; but they\u2019re going to hang out with: \u201cIt\u2019s better than being alone on Friday night.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, so again\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014from generation to generation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; right. So again, be cautious about that. Take <em>seriously<\/em> what you are <em>modeling<\/em> and the environment you\u2019re creating for your kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> In your book, <em>Dating and the Single Parent, <\/em>you quote a young mom. Here\u2019s what she said: \u201cI chose to wait it out. I had two very angry children, who were acting out after the divorce. People told me, for years, I was wasting my life; that if I brought a man into their lives, it would help them not act out so much. I turned 50 this year. I raised them for 14 years on my own. They are adults now; the youngest of my four is 20, and now I think about dating. I am trusting God to bring a man into my life if that is His will.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I know that\u2019s not <em>everybody\u2019s<\/em> story\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014because there are many options. No one\u2019s story is the same; but yet, she <em>chose<\/em> to do this for her kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, I think that\u2019s admirable.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and [she] sacrificed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and sacrificial. For some people, it is the right call. I don\u2019t even begin to pretend that I know whether people should or should not\u2014right?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014date, move forward, blend a family. I am <em>not<\/em> God. I make that <em>very<\/em> clear; and in this book I make that very clear, but I do just present all sides. In other words, I think one of the messages in this for single parents\u2014or somebody who\u2019s <em>dating<\/em> a single parent\u2014is: \u201cIt\u2019s okay\/it\u2019s legitimate\u00a0 to raise your kids by yourself and then consider dating and a new couple relationship at some point later in life when your children are a little less dependent on you. You just need to know that is an option.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDon\u2019t let that pressure force you into\u2014or I would say <em>push<\/em> you into\u2014perhaps even a relationship you wouldn\u2019t normally go into because you feel like you\u2019ve got to give your kids another parent.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. What about the single mom out there, who might have three kids; and her children spend a weekend a month, or two weekends a month, with their dad, who <em>has <\/em>remarried? The kids are seeing <em>this<\/em> play out, one or two weekends a month, and they come home and they are like: \u201cWell, Mom, when are <em>you<\/em> going to get married? When do we get a daddy in <em>this<\/em> home?\u201d I mean, there\u2019s that pressure also from, you know, yourself and the outside world, but also within your own home, with your kids going, \u201cWhat about you, Mom?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, sometimes kids will say that on behalf of their parent. It\u2019s okay, even then, to say: \u201cOh, I appreciate that. Come here and give me a hug! I love you, and God is taking care of us. We\u2019re just going to trust Him with our life. Who knows? Maybe someday, that will happen.\u201d Give them that hug and move on. Don\u2019t feel pressured into moving down that road <em>unless<\/em> it\u2019s really something <em>you<\/em> desire and you feel like, as you move into a dating relationship, it\u2019s going to bless your kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Some excellent words on dating and the single parent from Ron Deal. Hey, I hate to do this, but we need to take a quick break. I\u2019ll be back with more of my conversation with Ron in two minutes. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I'm Michelle Hill. Today, we are talking about dating and the single parent. As I mentioned earlier, I\u2019ve recently started online dating; and a lot of the men, whom I\u2019ve gotten to know, have children from previous relationships. For some people, they\u2019re having to answer, \u201cWho is this new person in Mommy or Daddy\u2019s life?\u201d So that\u2019s when I asked Ron Deal: \u201cJust when and how do you have that dating conversation with your kids?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If your children are old enough, and you feel like they\u2019re going to have an opinion about all of this, then I would engage them in what I like to call \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d conversations\u2014you know, \u201cWhat if Daddy started dating again? How would you guys feel about that?\u201d Just toss out that question over dinner one night. See what happens; watch the reactions; <em>learn<\/em> something about what\u2019s inside your kids; and then move on. Take it as a grain of salt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI call this \u201cassessment and intervention\u201d all at the same time. It\u2019s assessment in the sense that <em>you\u2019re<\/em> learning something about what\u2019s going on in your children. By the way, if you\u2019re asking, five dates in and they\u2019ve already met the guy, <em>now<\/em> their answer is based on what\u2019s <em>happening<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014not on the hypothetical, \u201cWhat might happen.\u201d So ask <em>beforehand<\/em> if at all possible; right? Somebody listening to this right now, went, \u201cOops! I\u2019m already dating.\u201d Okay, start now! [Laughter] It\u2019s okay, so start now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou get assessment\u2014you learn something about your kids. You\u2019ll have one kid, who goes, \u201cOh! I think that will be great!\u201d Another kid says, \u201cWhat!? No way!\u201d You will find out pretty fast what kids think. But it\u2019s also intervention in the sense that you are planting a seed to tell them, \u201cThis may happen someday.\u201d It doesn\u2019t mean that they\u2019re automatically going to be okay with it when it does happen, but you gave them a little warning; right? You\u2019re still the parent; you\u2019re still the adult. You get to make those decisions, and you gave them a little warning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have repeated \u201cWhat if?\u201d questions: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat if\u2014do you see that guy over there? You guys know him from\u2014you know his son\u201d or \u201cdaughter from school, right? We see him at the soccer field: \u201cWhat if I went out on a date with him?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201dWell, we\u2019re going out on Friday night, so how do you guys feel about this whole thing of me dating that person?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWell, we\u2019ve been out three times. I\u2019m thinking about going out with him again. What do you guys think about that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, the \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d just keeps going; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cWhat if I got married to him?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, eventually, over a period of weeks, months\/years, there\u2019s a series of \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d questions that are checking in with your kids. Now, note, you are moving <em>toward <\/em>the heart of your children in this process. There\u2019s a paradox here, Michelle. When you move toward your children, as you\u2019re moving toward another adult, you\u2019re giving balance to what needs to happen in the blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Now, when is the appropriate time if\u2014let\u2019s say you\u2019re dating\u2014when is the appropriate time to bring this person into your kids\u2019 lives and still try to shield your kids, you know, from them falling in love before you are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, good. So again, developmental considerations are one little piece of this. Really young kids fall in love with adults pretty fast. You need to be really careful about exposing children, under the age of five, to a new dating partner. I wouldn\u2019t expose them to that new dating partner until you really felt like there was some future here: \u201cNow we need to take the next step\u201d; okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWith elementary-aged and teenagers, you can\u2019t always orchestrate when and how they discover one another or how all that happens. Sometimes by accident, they just see each other. Again, the soccer field meeting; they see what\u2019s happening across the room. I talked to a couple, just the other day, whose kids figured out that their parents had crushes on each other before the parents figured it out; you know? [Laughter] They were talking at school about, \u201cI think my dad likes your mom.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can\u2019t always orchestrate those things. That\u2019s why it\u2019s pretty good to do the \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d dialogue; because <em>when <\/em>it happens, you\u2019ve already got an open conversation around this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s nothing new. We don\u2019t have to pull this out and somehow make it all nice and pretty; we\u2019ve already been talking about this stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn terms of saying, \u201cAlright, my three kids are going to spend the afternoon with this guy I\u2019ve been dating,\u201d \/ \u201c\u2026this woman that I\u2019ve been dating for a while,\u201d I think you can just pick an activity that everybody enjoys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s kind of like dating; now, the kids and adults are dating a little bit. We\u2019re going to find something to do, where we can be around one another and enjoy each other\u2019s company a little bit; so you do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, you know, that\u2019s a nice place to <em>start<\/em>. It\u2019s kind of like dating another person; you go out and have dinner and a movie. But eventually, you have to get past the fun stuff, and you\u2019ve got to get down to: \u201cHow do you feel about life? What\u2019s your outlook on life and your worldview?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo you start with those easy things and then you begin to move to just more time around one another\/around real-life activities. You\u2019re watching, and you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re absorbing. You\u2019re checking in with your kids when that evening or that afternoon is over: \u201cHow did that go for you? What was that like? What were you feeling?\u201d You\u2019re kind of bringing them along. You\u2019re constantly moving toward them while you\u2019re also moving toward this other person. It just helps <em>inform<\/em> the next decision.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to throw out a scenario here. Let\u2019s say that Susie is sitting in the room right now with us. She was married for many years; she\u2019s divorced. She feels like she\u2019s ready to move on. She meets this guy; she starts dating him. She <em>soon<\/em> goes down this path of marriage in her mind. They haven\u2019t talked about it; but in her mind, maybe she\u2019s thinking about it too soon. How would you counsel her to keep her feelings in check?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> First of all, you\u2019ve got to recognize what\u2019s going on inside, you know? You find yourself thinking a lot about this person\u2014you know, all that infatuation stuff. What hits you in seventh grade is also what hits you when you\u2019re 45!\u2014[Laughter]\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve got to recognize that for what it is, and talk to it: \u201cAlright, self, right now you\u2019ve got this fantasy that has developed really fast. There\u2019s a dream behind it, and you\u2019re motivated to make it happen.\u201d We need to relax a little bit on this. We need to slow down the process a little bit and keep praying. In the book, I call it \u201cThe Dater\u2019s Prayer.\u201d You know, it is that: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, I am Yours. I\u2019m trusting You with my life, now, as a single person. If You bring someone into my life, let me be objective about that. Let me see them through Your eyes. Let me continue to trust You, not fall in love with the fantasy that <em>they<\/em> are going to fulfill me in this world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat prayer helps you stay grounded.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Having friends is really helpful, too, because they can give you some objective, outside point of view about what you\u2019re doing, and how you\u2019re acting, and help you recognize how strong the infatuation might be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> And that\u2019s got to be hard; because I\u2019m also thinking, \u201cWhat if she has\u2014what if Susie is dealing with a teenage son, who needs a strong father figure?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That would be <em>way<\/em> too easy to say, \u201cThis is it!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, right; again: \u201cWe\u2019re going to plug in this person. We\u2019re going to hire some\u2014I mean, <em>marry<\/em> somebody to parent my\u2026\u201d [Laughter] Did that just come out of my mouth!? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s kind of funny how that happened\u2014a little Freudian slip on purpose there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes. [Laughing]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you know, honestly, sometimes that\u2019s the way people approach this\u2014like: \u201cI\u2019ve got to give my son a dad!\u201d <em>No<\/em>, you don\u2019t\u2014and not in <em>that<\/em> manner\u2014okay? Take your time! The slower pace, where you\u2019re checking in with everybody and you move into deepening relationship\u2014not just as a couple, but with the family factors in mind\u2014then, when you make a decision toward marriage, you\u2019re still going to have adjustments. It\u2019s not reality until everybody moves into the same house together\u2014like it ain\u2019t real until it\u2019s real! But the process of moving into reality is far <em>better<\/em> for everybody involved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes; this sounds <em>hard<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, it is!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> As you\u2019re talking through it, I\u2019m just thinking, \u201cThere\u2019s so much to keep in mind; there\u2019s so much to filter through.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand to continue to pray over!\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cconstantly, at every step along the way.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I don\u2019t have enough time in my day for that much prayer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughing] I\u2019m with you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I\u2019m just saying!\u2014it just sounds very complex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I think we, as humans, don\u2019t consider the complexity of all that we\u2019re working through. When we have a goal in mind, we have steps that we need to take in order to get to that goal; and we have people we need to keep in mind as we do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let me just give you a couple of little stats, just to give you some perspective about why we\u2019re saying, \u201cTake your time with this complex process.\u201d Number one, children who feel like they\u2019ve been included in a decision toward their parents\u2019 marriage and forming a blended family have an easier adjustment period after the wedding. If they feel like they\u2019ve been included\u2014not overrun, not left behind, but they\u2019ve been a part of the process\u2014it makes a difference.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two, depending on the study that you read\u2014one study that I did with David Olson for a book we wrote, called <em>The Smart Stepfamily Marriage\u2014<\/em>we found that less than two-thirds of couples, probably even <em>half<\/em> of dating couples, have a serious conversation about how they\u2019re going to parent after the wedding: \u201cHow we\u2019re going to parent and step-parent together\u2014my children, your children, our children\u201d\u2014whatever the scenario is\u2014<em>less than half<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuess what? One of the biggest factors determining the success of a marriage and a family, after the wedding, is how you parent together; so if you don\u2019t do the work on the front end, you\u2019re just asking for trouble on the back-end. That\u2019s why dating <em>well<\/em> really matters. If you date well\u2014if you maneuver through the process at a pace, where children come along; adults feel greater confidence in their \u201ccoupleness\u201d and the \u201cfamily-ness,\u201d\u2014then, <em>when<\/em> the marriage happens, you really get to reap the rewards.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, no promises of \u201cEverything is easy,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m not saying that!\u2014but it\u2019s much <em>easier<\/em>, and <em>less<\/em> complicated, and <em>less<\/em> troublesome. I think it\u2019s <em>worth<\/em> counting your calories on the front end instead of just having to burn off all the fat later on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s just Day One of my conversation with Ron Deal. We\u2019re going to talk more <em>next week<\/em> about dating and the single parent, because there\u2019s a lot more to talk about! Ron and I will be playing a stoplight game. We\u2019ll find out who is worthy of the green light in dating; or the yellow caution light; or the big, fat red \u201cNo!\u201d I hope you can join us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. And a big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Keith Lynch. Thanks to our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"about:blank\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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