{"id":305679,"date":"2020-01-11T06:01:05","date_gmt":"2020-01-11T11:01:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/money-and-marriage-2\/"},"modified":"2020-01-11T06:01:05","modified_gmt":"2020-01-11T11:01:05","slug":"money-and-marriage-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/money-and-marriage-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Money and Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>One of the most common points of contention in marriage is the issue of money. Crystal Paine, Tom Nelson, and Ron Deal offer some strategies to help keep money from being a source of conflict.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-01-11.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:00","filesize":"25.64M","filesize_raw":"26883056","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2851,2902],"tags":[6814],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3206,3300,8887],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-305679","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","hentry","category-finances","category-resolving-conflict","tag-money-and-marriage","cwp_profile-crystal-paine","cwp_profile-ron-deal","cwp_profile-tom-nelson","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":false,"episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305679\/money-and-marriage-2","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305679\/money-and-marriage-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"gdx43tSgc7\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/money-and-marriage-2\/\">Money and Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/money-and-marriage-2\/embed\/#?secret=gdx43tSgc7\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Money and Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"gdx43tSgc7\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/flw\/flw2020-01-11.pdf"],"audio_file":["http:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2020-01-11.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>How much did your wedding cost? Do you remember?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>Yes; we had\u2014let me see\u2014I know we did it for less than $5,000, and I think we had close to 400 people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did you get your dress at the thrift store?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>No, I wore my mom\u2019s dress.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, that helps.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Did you charge people to come to your wedding? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>No. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She thought about it; she thought about it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to go back to that first year in law school Jesse was going through. You had a goal of getting through law school debt-free\u2014how?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>Well, my husband\u2014when he was 12 years old, his mom died; and she left him a small amount of money. His dad was really wise, and he invested that money; so by the time we got married, he had money set aside with money that he had saved through having a business, and through doing some other things, and living at home some of his college years, and working all during his college years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe had money set aside to pay for college; and he went to an instate school, which is a lot cheaper. He got a scholarship, so we had that taken care of; and we couldn\u2019t touch that money that was in the bank. It was just, then, figuring out how to live on $500 or $1,000 or whatever we had that month that came in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome people are like, \u201cWell, how on earth did\u2026\u201d; you know, they assume college costs $150,000 or something. When you go in state, it\u2019s not as expensive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, and I\u2019m thinking about $17 a week for groceries?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Was this a whole ramen week for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>I\u2019ve only eaten ramen once in my life; and I didn\u2019t like it, so it was not ramen. [Laughter] We did not eat hardly any beef for two years. We would buy one bag of chicken, and we would make it last for two weeks; and that\u2019s what we did. You know, it was a short-term sacrifice for a long-term goal. It was worth it, but it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>. I remember those times when he was in law school; and we didn\u2019t have $2 to spare in our budget, and we couldn\u2019t buy <em>anything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, when I got pregnant, I couldn\u2019t buy maternity clothes; because I didn\u2019t have any money to even go to the thrift store. We just prayed, and a friend of mine sent a box of maternity clothes. You know, God <em>always<\/em> provided; but that didn\u2019t mean that there weren\u2019t times when it was really hard and when we had to just get on our faces and cry and say, \u201cGod, we have to trust You to provide this for us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You guys are coming up on your tenth anniversary. Let\u2019s say I\u2019ve seated a young couple across the table from you, who are just starting out their marriage together. What\u2019s the best two or three pieces of advice you could give this young couple as they begin their marriage and family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>I think it is so important that you are on the same page. You need to sit down; you need to talk about your goals. You need to talk about where you want to be a year from now, and five years from now, and ten years from now. You need to get on the same page, financially, and with your goals.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond of all, you need to have a budget. I know a lot of people feel like: \u201cOh, a budget is so restrictive,\u201d and \u201cThat\u2019s just this ball and chains,\u201d and \u201cWe can\u2019t do that, because I like to spend money.\u201d The thing that we\u2019ve found is that a budget gives you freedom, because you have these boundaries to work within. I don\u2019t have to worry, when I go to the store with my grocery envelope of cash\u2014I don\u2019t have to worry that I\u2019m not going to be able to pay for the light bill or I\u2019m not going to be able to afford gas. We budget for everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow that we have wiggle room in our budget, we budget for eating out; we budget for\u2014we even have a \u201cblow\u201d category. It\u2019s not like it\u2019s this: \u201cYou know, let\u2019s be as tight as we possibly can be\u201d; but it\u2019s: \u201cLet\u2019s choose where we\u2019re going to put our money so we have some left over so that we can invest in things that we\u2019re passionate about and are important to us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>That\u2019s Crystal Paine reminding us how important it is to get on a budget early in your marriage. It\u2019s not easy, but it is worth it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I have a feeling like Crystal and I could be fast friends; because according to her website here\u2014MoneySavingMom.com\u2014she likes drinking a good cup of coffee while she\u2019s reading a <em>great<\/em> book, and that sounds like fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut did you hear what Crystal said?\u2014that they budget for everything\u2014probably even coffee. But if they budget for everything, that means they don\u2019t have the surprises coming through; and they\u2019re talking through everything. Talking or communicating\u2014well, that\u2019s a key to your relationship; because this money thing\u2014it can be a <em>huge<\/em> issue in marriages. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA while back, <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> aired a message from Tom Nelson called \u201cMoney in Marriage.\u201d You probably know him as Tommy Nelson. He\u2019s the senior pastor of Denton Bible Church, and he\u2019s well-known for his preaching on the Song of Solomon. Tommy and his wife Teresa have been married for over four decades, and they have two sons. Here\u2019s Tommy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tommy: <\/strong>Money is kind of a mine that goes off in marriage. The problems with money are problems that kind of fester down there, and they form a lack of trust; and out of that grow great problems and alienation in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe number one principle of money is that it is not, with my wife and I: \u201cIt\u2019s not <em>my<\/em> money; it\u2019s <em>our<\/em> money.\u201d My wife doesn\u2019t make money in the sense of having a job that makes money, but that makes no difference. The two become one flesh. The money that you men make is not <em>your<\/em> money; it\u2019s <em>y\u2019all\u2019s<\/em> money. [Laughter] A lot of times, a woman may have a career that out-earns her husband nowadays. Madam, it is not your money; it is <em>y\u2019all\u2019s<\/em> money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis statement, whenever I hear it in marriage, problems are on the way\u2014it goes like this: \u201cI pay the bills around here. That\u2019s why I can\u2019t be challenged\u201d\u2014is the assumption\u2014\u201con how I spend it.\u201d Like I say: \u201cMy wife doesn\u2019t make money; but my wife can spend the money however she sees fit on the maintenance and the care of our home, because it\u2019s our money.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two: \u201cEven though it\u2019s our money, you check with your mate before you make a <em>major<\/em> expenditure.\u201d You don\u2019t want to surprise your mate in the area of money. I had a woman say to me one time\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014she said, \u201cHe will not give me the freedom to buy a $14 dress pattern, but he will come home with $800 in tires; and somehow that\u2019s okay for him to do that, but it\u2019s not okay for me.\u201d So you always check with your mate when you make a major expenditure\u2014guys as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber three: \u201cA woman needs the freedom to run a home.\u201d There\u2019s a certain margin that a woman has to spend independently for the maintenance of that house, and I have to give my wife the freedom to be what Paul calls her\u2014the <em>oiko despodes<\/em>\u2014the house despot; what a word. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife has to have a sense of leeway [the same as] when I take care of the mowers and all the stuff that guys do. I had a woman one time say\u2014this is a <em>fact<\/em>\u2014she came in, saying: \u201cWhenever I have to buy\u201d\u2014and she mentioned a piece of lingerie\u2014\u201cmy husband drops me off at the mall. I go inside and get the exact figure, plus tax, to the penny. I come out and give it to him; he gives me the exact change to the penny. I go inside and pay for it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, he felt he was being holy. I said to him: \u201cNo, you\u2019re what\u2019s called <em>dumb<\/em>. [Laughter] You\u2019re <em>dumb<\/em> because, in your seeking to control, you\u2019re treating your wife like a <em>child<\/em>. Whatever you think you\u2019re gaining, you are losing the affinity of your wife for you. If she\u2019s not that trustworthy, you shouldn\u2019t have married her! You trust her with things.\u201d Well, you have to give your mate that kind of freedom, to do what she\/he needs to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cA woman\u201d\u2014number four\u2014\u201ccan have her money.\u201d Proverbs 31: \u201cShe considers a field from her earnings, and she buys it.\u201d As long as it has a consent and is not breeching the husband\u2019s place, it\u2019s good to let a woman do what she would like to do with <em>y\u2019all\u2019s<\/em> money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber five: \u201cDecide who does the books in your family.\u201d It may not be the man; it may not be the wage-earner. If you\u2019re the one who does the books, you have to do them well. Fellows, if you have your wife keep the finances, then you have to be acquiescent and make sure that it\u2019s easy for her. Ladies, if your husband keeps the finances, then you, especially in that area, have to make life easy for him to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber seven: \u201cFirst things first.\u201d There are rules, in where your money goes, that you need to understand. Are you all familiar with where the Bible says the first fruits of your income go?\u2014 Proverbs: \u201cHonor the Lord with the first of your income, and He will cause your vats to overflow and your barns to be filled.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA Campus Crusade<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> guy told me early in my marriage\u2014I\u2019m so glad he did\u2014he said, \u201cWhatever you make, you honor God right off the top.\u201d My wife and I began doing that. If we had $10, we\u2019d honor God with a buck; and God has always taken care of us. \u201cGod is able to make all grace abound to you, that always having a sufficiency you will have an abundance for every good deed. He who sows abundantly shall reap abundantly.\u201d God\u2019s always taken care of us; so right off the top, you honor God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAfter you do that, you always pay what you owe\u2014you pay your bills. Then right after that, you pay <em>you<\/em>\u2014the idea of a savings: \u201cMuch wine and delight is in the house of the righteous, but the wicked swallows it up.\u201d Wicked people spend quickly anything that they get, quite often. But when you make rules in where your money goes as a priority, the budgeting process takes care of itself. Once you honor God, Caesar, and the future, now you can enjoy today with the money that\u2019s allotted to you. If you won\u2019t go into debt, you can actually make it through life without a lot of financial problems. We honor God, pay our bills, and then we set some aside. Then the rest of it: rocky road, [Laughter] skiing, crunchy peanut butter\u2014see? We <em>enjoy<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIncidentally, both have to be on board. Whenever I do women\u2019s Q&amp;As, one of the major questions that is asked is: \u201cTom, my husband doesn\u2019t give to the Lord\u2019s work. What should I do?\u201d My answer always is: \u201cOur church doesn\u2019t need your money, but you need to be obedient. Don\u2019t [make] your husband give. Let God fix him.\u201d God can fix him real quickly. So, fellows\u2014and if the shoe fits on this, you wear it\u2014I hope that your wife is not put in a continual place of not seeing the blessing of God because of the lack of leadership and trust of a materialistic and self-willed husband; <em>you<\/em> honor God and lead your family. Both have to be on board with this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>That was Tommy Nelson with a classic message\u2014some timeless wisdom about finances in your marriage. If you were listening closely enough, you noticed that one and maybe more points of Tom\u2019s message were missing. That\u2019s kind of on purpose; we\u2019re trying to tease you to go to our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com, to hear the entire message. That\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com, and it\u2019s some really good stuff; so you don\u2019t want to miss it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, we\u2019re going to take a break, because you need one; I need one. But when we come back, Ron Deal is going to join me in the studio; and we\u2019re going to talk about this money thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>; I\u2019m Michelle Hill. This weekend we\u2019re talking about financial pressures in marriage. We just heard from Crystal and Tommy talking about how this can be a really huge issue in marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I want to turn now to the blended family and how <em>they<\/em> deal with these pressures. I\u2019m joined in the studio with my friend and coworker, and also blended family expert, Ron Deal. He heads up FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. He\u2019s an author; he\u2019s a speaker and frequent guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\/also, <em>Chris Fabry Live<\/em> with Moody Radio. He\u2019s been a counselor for\u2014how many years, Ron?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Too many to count\u2014[Laughter]\u2014about 25 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Twenty-five years. How many of those years have been working with blended families?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Pretty much all of those years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Have finances come up in many of those discussions?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, I think it feels more intense because there\u2019s this fragility about the relationship\u2014particularly if both of them or one of them has been divorced before, or been through a difficult relationship, or you know, their former spouse took all the money and ran with it\u2014all of a sudden, money is this hypersensitive topic. It has implication for our us-ness: \u201cAre we good?\u201d \u201cAre we strong?\u201d \u201cAre we stable?\u201d It has implications for wellbeing and provision for children, so it feels like there\u2019s more hanging on this when you talk to blended families about it. It just is more fragile.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Let\u2019s say they\u2019ve gotten past that initial conversation, just before they got married or whatever; move on into the marriage: \u201cHow can a family do well? How can they do alimony well?\u201d and all of those kinds of finances well? What are some of the pitfalls that they face?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes. You know; okay, so let\u2019s just talk around this. First of all, I would say to blended family couples that are listening\u2014they need to heed the advice that I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve talked about on this broadcast and that others would talk about\u2014they need to have a godly point of view about money: \u201cHe owns it all, and we\u2019re just stewards of it. We\u2019re trying to do what we can to use it for kingdom work. We trust in God, not in ourselves.\u201d All of those biblical principles about money still apply to blended family situations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s the daily use of money, and providing for children, and thinking through that\u2014that sometimes gets sticky: \u201cHow do we actually manage the money? Do we have your account and my account, because that\u2019s the way we came into this relationship; or do we put it all in one big pot of money? So there are questions related to daily use of money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are also questions related to estate planning and the future, and \u201cHow are we going to do this?\u201d Think about it:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat if one partner comes in with more assets, and they want their child to go to private school?\u201d or \u201cThat\u2019s where their child has been, but the other parent has children in public school. Well, do we put out money for all the kids to go to private school?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat if you have child support coming in that\u2019s praying for private school, but then the other parent in the home can\u2019t do that?\u201d\u2014they just don\u2019t have that option; right? Sometimes that creates a natural division in the home about how money is used.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr think about adult children in stepfamilies, where their parent has married later in life, and they want to make sure they get <em>all<\/em> the inheritance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThink about this dilemma for a minute; you want to talk about a unique situation, imagine this: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf there\u2019s a couple, and one of the parents dies\u2014and let\u2019s say the man\u2014his wife has died, and he now remarries; okay? Then he dies, and his second wife then remarries. Some of this man\u2019s assets can end up in <em>that<\/em> man\u2019s bank account, <em>not<\/em> his children\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014if he\u2019s not careful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe cool thing is\u2014there is a tool out there that estate planners can tell you about\u2014it\u2019s called a Q-tip\u2014that allows you to actually put money in a trust that (A) provides for your spouse if you die\u2014right?\u2014it provides for your wife in that scenario; but then after she dies, the money then gets transferred on to your children. You can make those sorts of arrangements ahead of time; but if you don\u2019t do the planning and you don\u2019t consult somebody who knows how to make that happen for you, then all of a sudden, your children are left with nothing except resentment and bitterness; because you didn\u2019t plan.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s the kinds of unique things that blended families face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have a name on a house and you marry somebody; do you put their name on the house? What about beneficiaries for insurance? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Help us understand about a pre-nup. Is that something that blended families should even look to?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I think the answer is \u201cYes.\u201d Now, here\u2019s the thing\u2014when you say, \u201cpre-nup,\u201d what everybody feels is: \u201cOh, you\u2019re planning for a divorce. I totally don\u2019t want that!\u201d I don\u2019t want to encourage people to have that mindset at all. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut attorneys, and financial planners, and people who understand legal issues, as it relates to children, and \u201cWho takes custody of minor-age children if a biological parent dies?\u201d\u2014they understand that the money has to go where the children go. You have to have legal provision to make sure that happens so that the children are provided for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, that means you need to consider an option\/a legal option in order to do that; so we\u2019re changing our understanding of legal options like a pre-nup. Actually, I would much rather use a term called a \u201cshared covenant agreement.\u201d We actually talk about this in my book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, with Greg Pedis, who co-wrote that section with me, where we talk about a shared covenant agreement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the thing\u2014we\u2019re not helping people plan for a divorce; we\u2019re helping them plan for their future. We\u2019re financing <em>togetherness<\/em>. What a shared covenant agreement simply is\u2014is you and I sitting down and getting very proactive about our assets, our debts, our life together, our future\u2014how we\u2019re going to provide for the next generation\u2014and we put it down on paper. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not a contingency plan if everything blows up. It\u2019s: \u201cLet\u2019s get this on paper and go through the process of discussing it so that you and I have greater confidence in our \u2018us-ness.\u2019 We can sleep at night, not having to worry about whether your kid or my kid\u2019s going to be provided for. We actually <em>know<\/em> the answers.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen the children ask, \u201cWho gets mom\u2019s dishes if Dad dies?\u201d\u2014mom\u2019s already deceased\u2014\u201cIf Dad dies, who gets mom\u2019s dishes?\u201d We know how to answer that question: it\u2019s done; it\u2019s settled, so there\u2019s not animosity; there\u2019s not seeds of bitterness between the generations that creep into relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that sort of proactive approach actually serves a blended family very well, and it <em>strengthens<\/em> the couple\u2019s marriage. Now, that is a good idea. Yes, there\u2019s some legality wrapped around it; and yes, there are some hard questions that have to be asked within a shared covenant agreement; but it\u2019s about financing togetherness, not planning for separateness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Help us calibrate success. What does success look like, realistically, for the blended family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Well, I think it comes with this plan\u2014it comes with a shared sense of confidence about what you\u2019re going to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMichelle, in a study that David Olson and I did for our book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily Marriage<\/em>, we found that two thirds of couples forming blended families have <em>never<\/em> talked about their financial issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Oh no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>They haven\u2019t talked about it! They walk into the marriage, assuming. Let me tell you\u2014things can turn south pretty quickly. You know, all of a sudden, it\u2019s about power; it\u2019s about control; it\u2019s about, \u201cWait a minute; your child\u2019s getting\u2026but my kids are not getting\u2026\u201d\u2014us versus them. You don\u2019t want that to happen, so couples need to be proactive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, somebody\u2019s listening right now, and they\u2019ve been married five years, and they\u2019ve never had these conversations. It\u2019s time; right? It\u2019s okay you didn\u2019t do it on the front end; it\u2019s alright. Now\u2019s the time to start. Sit down with somebody who understands legal issues and long-range estate planning, and they\u2019ll be able to guide you into putting this plan together. That brings success; again, it helps you sleep at night and have confidence in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Great advice from Ron Deal on financial planning in marriage with blended families. For more information on money management before and after you blend a family, Ron Deal has teamed up with Greg Pedis, and also David Edwards; and they have written the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning<\/em>. You can find a link to that book on our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com; that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, I\u2019m excited for next week\u2019s show! Ron Deal is going to join me again, and he\u2019s going to give insight to single parents. You know, you\u2019re asking the questions: \u201cWhen should I start dating again?\u201d \u201cAre the kids ready?\u201d or \u201cWhen should the kids meet this person I\u2019m dating?\u201d or \u201cShould I just choose to wait for dating and marriage until after the kids are out of the house?\u201d Those are <em>great<\/em> questions, and Ron has great answers to those questions and some <em>great<\/em> advice. So please, I hope you can join us for that next week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Marques Holt, who is also producer and editor of the show, along with Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:00"],"show_notes":[""],"filesize":["25.64M"],"filesize_raw":["26883056"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305679.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305679.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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of the most common points of contention in marriage is the issue of money. Crystal Paine, Tom Nelson, and Ron Deal offer some strategies to help keep money from being a source of conflict.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/flw\/flw2020-01-11.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>How much did your wedding cost? Do you remember?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>Yes; we had\u2014let me see\u2014I know we did it for less than $5,000, and I think we had close to 400 people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did you get your dress at the thrift store?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>No, I wore my mom\u2019s dress.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay, that helps.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Did you charge people to come to your wedding? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>No. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She thought about it; she thought about it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to go back to that first year in law school Jesse was going through. You had a goal of getting through law school debt-free\u2014how?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>Well, my husband\u2014when he was 12 years old, his mom died; and she left him a small amount of money. His dad was really wise, and he invested that money; so by the time we got married, he had money set aside with money that he had saved through having a business, and through doing some other things, and living at home some of his college years, and working all during his college years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe had money set aside to pay for college; and he went to an instate school, which is a lot cheaper. He got a scholarship, so we had that taken care of; and we couldn\u2019t touch that money that was in the bank. It was just, then, figuring out how to live on $500 or $1,000 or whatever we had that month that came in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome people are like, \u201cWell, how on earth did\u2026\u201d; you know, they assume college costs $150,000 or something. When you go in state, it\u2019s not as expensive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, and I\u2019m thinking about $17 a week for groceries?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Was this a whole ramen week for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>I\u2019ve only eaten ramen once in my life; and I didn\u2019t like it, so it was not ramen. [Laughter] We did not eat hardly any beef for two years. We would buy one bag of chicken, and we would make it last for two weeks; and that\u2019s what we did. You know, it was a short-term sacrifice for a long-term goal. It was worth it, but it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>. I remember those times when he was in law school; and we didn\u2019t have $2 to spare in our budget, and we couldn\u2019t buy <em>anything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, when I got pregnant, I couldn\u2019t buy maternity clothes; because I didn\u2019t have any money to even go to the thrift store. We just prayed, and a friend of mine sent a box of maternity clothes. You know, God <em>always<\/em> provided; but that didn\u2019t mean that there weren\u2019t times when it was really hard and when we had to just get on our faces and cry and say, \u201cGod, we have to trust You to provide this for us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You guys are coming up on your tenth anniversary. Let\u2019s say I\u2019ve seated a young couple across the table from you, who are just starting out their marriage together. What\u2019s the best two or three pieces of advice you could give this young couple as they begin their marriage and family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Crystal: <\/strong>I think it is so important that you are on the same page. You need to sit down; you need to talk about your goals. You need to talk about where you want to be a year from now, and five years from now, and ten years from now. You need to get on the same page, financially, and with your goals.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond of all, you need to have a budget. I know a lot of people feel like: \u201cOh, a budget is so restrictive,\u201d and \u201cThat\u2019s just this ball and chains,\u201d and \u201cWe can\u2019t do that, because I like to spend money.\u201d The thing that we\u2019ve found is that a budget gives you freedom, because you have these boundaries to work within. I don\u2019t have to worry, when I go to the store with my grocery envelope of cash\u2014I don\u2019t have to worry that I\u2019m not going to be able to pay for the light bill or I\u2019m not going to be able to afford gas. We budget for everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow that we have wiggle room in our budget, we budget for eating out; we budget for\u2014we even have a \u201cblow\u201d category. It\u2019s not like it\u2019s this: \u201cYou know, let\u2019s be as tight as we possibly can be\u201d; but it\u2019s: \u201cLet\u2019s choose where we\u2019re going to put our money so we have some left over so that we can invest in things that we\u2019re passionate about and are important to us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>That\u2019s Crystal Paine reminding us how important it is to get on a budget early in your marriage. It\u2019s not easy, but it is worth it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I have a feeling like Crystal and I could be fast friends; because according to her website here\u2014MoneySavingMom.com\u2014she likes drinking a good cup of coffee while she\u2019s reading a <em>great<\/em> book, and that sounds like fun.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut did you hear what Crystal said?\u2014that they budget for everything\u2014probably even coffee. But if they budget for everything, that means they don\u2019t have the surprises coming through; and they\u2019re talking through everything. Talking or communicating\u2014well, that\u2019s a key to your relationship; because this money thing\u2014it can be a <em>huge<\/em> issue in marriages. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA while back, <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> aired a message from Tom Nelson called \u201cMoney in Marriage.\u201d You probably know him as Tommy Nelson. He\u2019s the senior pastor of Denton Bible Church, and he\u2019s well-known for his preaching on the Song of Solomon. Tommy and his wife Teresa have been married for over four decades, and they have two sons. Here\u2019s Tommy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tommy: <\/strong>Money is kind of a mine that goes off in marriage. The problems with money are problems that kind of fester down there, and they form a lack of trust; and out of that grow great problems and alienation in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe number one principle of money is that it is not, with my wife and I: \u201cIt\u2019s not <em>my<\/em> money; it\u2019s <em>our<\/em> money.\u201d My wife doesn\u2019t make money in the sense of having a job that makes money, but that makes no difference. The two become one flesh. The money that you men make is not <em>your<\/em> money; it\u2019s <em>y\u2019all\u2019s<\/em> money. [Laughter] A lot of times, a woman may have a career that out-earns her husband nowadays. Madam, it is not your money; it is <em>y\u2019all\u2019s<\/em> money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis statement, whenever I hear it in marriage, problems are on the way\u2014it goes like this: \u201cI pay the bills around here. That\u2019s why I can\u2019t be challenged\u201d\u2014is the assumption\u2014\u201con how I spend it.\u201d Like I say: \u201cMy wife doesn\u2019t make money; but my wife can spend the money however she sees fit on the maintenance and the care of our home, because it\u2019s our money.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber two: \u201cEven though it\u2019s our money, you check with your mate before you make a <em>major<\/em> expenditure.\u201d You don\u2019t want to surprise your mate in the area of money. I had a woman say to me one time\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014she said, \u201cHe will not give me the freedom to buy a $14 dress pattern, but he will come home with $800 in tires; and somehow that\u2019s okay for him to do that, but it\u2019s not okay for me.\u201d So you always check with your mate when you make a major expenditure\u2014guys as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber three: \u201cA woman needs the freedom to run a home.\u201d There\u2019s a certain margin that a woman has to spend independently for the maintenance of that house, and I have to give my wife the freedom to be what Paul calls her\u2014the <em>oiko despodes<\/em>\u2014the house despot; what a word. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy wife has to have a sense of leeway [the same as] when I take care of the mowers and all the stuff that guys do. I had a woman one time say\u2014this is a <em>fact<\/em>\u2014she came in, saying: \u201cWhenever I have to buy\u201d\u2014and she mentioned a piece of lingerie\u2014\u201cmy husband drops me off at the mall. I go inside and get the exact figure, plus tax, to the penny. I come out and give it to him; he gives me the exact change to the penny. I go inside and pay for it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, he felt he was being holy. I said to him: \u201cNo, you\u2019re what\u2019s called <em>dumb<\/em>. [Laughter] You\u2019re <em>dumb<\/em> because, in your seeking to control, you\u2019re treating your wife like a <em>child<\/em>. Whatever you think you\u2019re gaining, you are losing the affinity of your wife for you. If she\u2019s not that trustworthy, you shouldn\u2019t have married her! You trust her with things.\u201d Well, you have to give your mate that kind of freedom, to do what she\/he needs to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cA woman\u201d\u2014number four\u2014\u201ccan have her money.\u201d Proverbs 31: \u201cShe considers a field from her earnings, and she buys it.\u201d As long as it has a consent and is not breeching the husband\u2019s place, it\u2019s good to let a woman do what she would like to do with <em>y\u2019all\u2019s<\/em> money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber five: \u201cDecide who does the books in your family.\u201d It may not be the man; it may not be the wage-earner. If you\u2019re the one who does the books, you have to do them well. Fellows, if you have your wife keep the finances, then you have to be acquiescent and make sure that it\u2019s easy for her. Ladies, if your husband keeps the finances, then you, especially in that area, have to make life easy for him to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber seven: \u201cFirst things first.\u201d There are rules, in where your money goes, that you need to understand. Are you all familiar with where the Bible says the first fruits of your income go?\u2014 Proverbs: \u201cHonor the Lord with the first of your income, and He will cause your vats to overflow and your barns to be filled.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA Campus Crusade<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> guy told me early in my marriage\u2014I\u2019m so glad he did\u2014he said, \u201cWhatever you make, you honor God right off the top.\u201d My wife and I began doing that. If we had $10, we\u2019d honor God with a buck; and God has always taken care of us. \u201cGod is able to make all grace abound to you, that always having a sufficiency you will have an abundance for every good deed. He who sows abundantly shall reap abundantly.\u201d God\u2019s always taken care of us; so right off the top, you honor God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAfter you do that, you always pay what you owe\u2014you pay your bills. Then right after that, you pay <em>you<\/em>\u2014the idea of a savings: \u201cMuch wine and delight is in the house of the righteous, but the wicked swallows it up.\u201d Wicked people spend quickly anything that they get, quite often. But when you make rules in where your money goes as a priority, the budgeting process takes care of itself. Once you honor God, Caesar, and the future, now you can enjoy today with the money that\u2019s allotted to you. If you won\u2019t go into debt, you can actually make it through life without a lot of financial problems. We honor God, pay our bills, and then we set some aside. Then the rest of it: rocky road, [Laughter] skiing, crunchy peanut butter\u2014see? We <em>enjoy<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIncidentally, both have to be on board. Whenever I do women\u2019s Q&amp;As, one of the major questions that is asked is: \u201cTom, my husband doesn\u2019t give to the Lord\u2019s work. What should I do?\u201d My answer always is: \u201cOur church doesn\u2019t need your money, but you need to be obedient. Don\u2019t [make] your husband give. Let God fix him.\u201d God can fix him real quickly. So, fellows\u2014and if the shoe fits on this, you wear it\u2014I hope that your wife is not put in a continual place of not seeing the blessing of God because of the lack of leadership and trust of a materialistic and self-willed husband; <em>you<\/em> honor God and lead your family. Both have to be on board with this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>That was Tommy Nelson with a classic message\u2014some timeless wisdom about finances in your marriage. If you were listening closely enough, you noticed that one and maybe more points of Tom\u2019s message were missing. That\u2019s kind of on purpose; we\u2019re trying to tease you to go to our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com, to hear the entire message. That\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com, and it\u2019s some really good stuff; so you don\u2019t want to miss it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, we\u2019re going to take a break, because you need one; I need one. But when we come back, Ron Deal is going to join me in the studio; and we\u2019re going to talk about this money thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Radio Station Spot Break]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>; I\u2019m Michelle Hill. This weekend we\u2019re talking about financial pressures in marriage. We just heard from Crystal and Tommy talking about how this can be a really huge issue in marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I want to turn now to the blended family and how <em>they<\/em> deal with these pressures. I\u2019m joined in the studio with my friend and coworker, and also blended family expert, Ron Deal. He heads up FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. He\u2019s an author; he\u2019s a speaker and frequent guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\/also, <em>Chris Fabry Live<\/em> with Moody Radio. He\u2019s been a counselor for\u2014how many years, Ron?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Too many to count\u2014[Laughter]\u2014about 25 years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Twenty-five years. How many of those years have been working with blended families?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Pretty much all of those years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Have finances come up in many of those discussions?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You know, I think it feels more intense because there\u2019s this fragility about the relationship\u2014particularly if both of them or one of them has been divorced before, or been through a difficult relationship, or you know, their former spouse took all the money and ran with it\u2014all of a sudden, money is this hypersensitive topic. It has implication for our us-ness: \u201cAre we good?\u201d \u201cAre we strong?\u201d \u201cAre we stable?\u201d It has implications for wellbeing and provision for children, so it feels like there\u2019s more hanging on this when you talk to blended families about it. It just is more fragile.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Let\u2019s say they\u2019ve gotten past that initial conversation, just before they got married or whatever; move on into the marriage: \u201cHow can a family do well? How can they do alimony well?\u201d and all of those kinds of finances well? What are some of the pitfalls that they face?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes. You know; okay, so let\u2019s just talk around this. First of all, I would say to blended family couples that are listening\u2014they need to heed the advice that I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve talked about on this broadcast and that others would talk about\u2014they need to have a godly point of view about money: \u201cHe owns it all, and we\u2019re just stewards of it. We\u2019re trying to do what we can to use it for kingdom work. We trust in God, not in ourselves.\u201d All of those biblical principles about money still apply to blended family situations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s the daily use of money, and providing for children, and thinking through that\u2014that sometimes gets sticky: \u201cHow do we actually manage the money? Do we have your account and my account, because that\u2019s the way we came into this relationship; or do we put it all in one big pot of money? So there are questions related to daily use of money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are also questions related to estate planning and the future, and \u201cHow are we going to do this?\u201d Think about it:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat if one partner comes in with more assets, and they want their child to go to private school?\u201d or \u201cThat\u2019s where their child has been, but the other parent has children in public school. Well, do we put out money for all the kids to go to private school?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat if you have child support coming in that\u2019s praying for private school, but then the other parent in the home can\u2019t do that?\u201d\u2014they just don\u2019t have that option; right? Sometimes that creates a natural division in the home about how money is used.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr think about adult children in stepfamilies, where their parent has married later in life, and they want to make sure they get <em>all<\/em> the inheritance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThink about this dilemma for a minute; you want to talk about a unique situation, imagine this: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf there\u2019s a couple, and one of the parents dies\u2014and let\u2019s say the man\u2014his wife has died, and he now remarries; okay? Then he dies, and his second wife then remarries. Some of this man\u2019s assets can end up in <em>that<\/em> man\u2019s bank account, <em>not<\/em> his children\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014if he\u2019s not careful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe cool thing is\u2014there is a tool out there that estate planners can tell you about\u2014it\u2019s called a Q-tip\u2014that allows you to actually put money in a trust that (A) provides for your spouse if you die\u2014right?\u2014it provides for your wife in that scenario; but then after she dies, the money then gets transferred on to your children. You can make those sorts of arrangements ahead of time; but if you don\u2019t do the planning and you don\u2019t consult somebody who knows how to make that happen for you, then all of a sudden, your children are left with nothing except resentment and bitterness; because you didn\u2019t plan.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s the kinds of unique things that blended families face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have a name on a house and you marry somebody; do you put their name on the house? What about beneficiaries for insurance? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Help us understand about a pre-nup. Is that something that blended families should even look to?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I think the answer is \u201cYes.\u201d Now, here\u2019s the thing\u2014when you say, \u201cpre-nup,\u201d what everybody feels is: \u201cOh, you\u2019re planning for a divorce. I totally don\u2019t want that!\u201d I don\u2019t want to encourage people to have that mindset at all. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut attorneys, and financial planners, and people who understand legal issues, as it relates to children, and \u201cWho takes custody of minor-age children if a biological parent dies?\u201d\u2014they understand that the money has to go where the children go. You have to have legal provision to make sure that happens so that the children are provided for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, that means you need to consider an option\/a legal option in order to do that; so we\u2019re changing our understanding of legal options like a pre-nup. Actually, I would much rather use a term called a \u201cshared covenant agreement.\u201d We actually talk about this in my book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, with Greg Pedis, who co-wrote that section with me, where we talk about a shared covenant agreement.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the thing\u2014we\u2019re not helping people plan for a divorce; we\u2019re helping them plan for their future. We\u2019re financing <em>togetherness<\/em>. What a shared covenant agreement simply is\u2014is you and I sitting down and getting very proactive about our assets, our debts, our life together, our future\u2014how we\u2019re going to provide for the next generation\u2014and we put it down on paper. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not a contingency plan if everything blows up. It\u2019s: \u201cLet\u2019s get this on paper and go through the process of discussing it so that you and I have greater confidence in our \u2018us-ness.\u2019 We can sleep at night, not having to worry about whether your kid or my kid\u2019s going to be provided for. We actually <em>know<\/em> the answers.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen the children ask, \u201cWho gets mom\u2019s dishes if Dad dies?\u201d\u2014mom\u2019s already deceased\u2014\u201cIf Dad dies, who gets mom\u2019s dishes?\u201d We know how to answer that question: it\u2019s done; it\u2019s settled, so there\u2019s not animosity; there\u2019s not seeds of bitterness between the generations that creep into relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that sort of proactive approach actually serves a blended family very well, and it <em>strengthens<\/em> the couple\u2019s marriage. Now, that is a good idea. Yes, there\u2019s some legality wrapped around it; and yes, there are some hard questions that have to be asked within a shared covenant agreement; but it\u2019s about financing togetherness, not planning for separateness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Help us calibrate success. What does success look like, realistically, for the blended family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Well, I think it comes with this plan\u2014it comes with a shared sense of confidence about what you\u2019re going to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMichelle, in a study that David Olson and I did for our book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily Marriage<\/em>, we found that two thirds of couples forming blended families have <em>never<\/em> talked about their financial issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Oh no.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>They haven\u2019t talked about it! They walk into the marriage, assuming. Let me tell you\u2014things can turn south pretty quickly. You know, all of a sudden, it\u2019s about power; it\u2019s about control; it\u2019s about, \u201cWait a minute; your child\u2019s getting\u2026but my kids are not getting\u2026\u201d\u2014us versus them. You don\u2019t want that to happen, so couples need to be proactive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, somebody\u2019s listening right now, and they\u2019ve been married five years, and they\u2019ve never had these conversations. It\u2019s time; right? It\u2019s okay you didn\u2019t do it on the front end; it\u2019s alright. Now\u2019s the time to start. Sit down with somebody who understands legal issues and long-range estate planning, and they\u2019ll be able to guide you into putting this plan together. That brings success; again, it helps you sleep at night and have confidence in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Michelle: <\/strong>Great advice from Ron Deal on financial planning in marriage with blended families. For more information on money management before and after you blend a family, Ron Deal has teamed up with Greg Pedis, and also David Edwards; and they have written the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning<\/em>. You can find a link to that book on our website, FamilyLifeThisWeek.com; that\u2019s FamilyLifeThisWeek.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHey, I\u2019m excited for next week\u2019s show! Ron Deal is going to join me again, and he\u2019s going to give insight to single parents. You know, you\u2019re asking the questions: \u201cWhen should I start dating again?\u201d \u201cAre the kids ready?\u201d or \u201cWhen should the kids meet this person I\u2019m dating?\u201d or \u201cShould I just choose to wait for dating and marriage until after the kids are out of the house?\u201d Those are <em>great<\/em> questions, and Ron has great answers to those questions and some <em>great<\/em> advice. So please, I hope you can join us for that next week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks for listening! I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Marques Holt, who is also producer and editor of the show, along with Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2020 FamilyLife. 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