{"id":305584,"date":"2019-12-05T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2019-12-05T11:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/communicating-needs-without-provoking-conflict\/"},"modified":"2019-12-05T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2019-12-05T11:00:05","slug":"communicating-needs-without-provoking-conflict","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communicating-needs-without-provoking-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Communicating Needs Without Provoking Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dave and Ann Wilson tackle a listener&#8217;s question about healthy communication in marriage. Together they describe how affirmation has improved their marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-12-05.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:30:24","filesize":"27.84M","filesize_raw":"29188053","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2902,2862],"tags":[4527],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3647],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305584","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-resolving-conflict","category-understanding-differences","tag-communication","cwp_profile-dave-and-ann-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305584\/communicating-needs-without-provoking-conflict","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305584\/communicating-needs-without-provoking-conflict","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"fnzVvunwVr\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communicating-needs-without-provoking-conflict\/\">Communicating Needs Without Provoking Conflict<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/communicating-needs-without-provoking-conflict\/embed\/#?secret=fnzVvunwVr\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Communicating Needs Without Provoking Conflict&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"fnzVvunwVr\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Dave and Ann Wilson tackle a listener's question about healthy communication in marriage. Together they describe how affirmation has improved their marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-12-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, December 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Maybe, you can relate to what Ann is describing. Maybe, you\u2019ve had a critical spirit and expressed yourself with critical words. We\u2019ll talk about how to deal with that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, we\u2019re back with one of our fun <em>Ask Dave and Ann<\/em> shows. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, boy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Is it fun? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s fun for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s fun for me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It all depends on what the question is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I get the hot potatoes, and I just toss them to you; and you have to grab them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore we get into the issue of the day, though, this is the month of December; and we\u2019re coming to our listeners to remind you that this is a pretty critical time for FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. Over the next four weeks, the donations we receive, here at yearend, will determine what happens for this ministry in 2020; so we\u2019re asking listeners if you will consider making a yearend donation. The good news is\u2014if you can make a donation, here at yearend, your donation is going to be doubled, thanks to a matching gift. I\u2019ll tell you more about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Mary Ann and I have already gone through the exercise and said, \u201cWho do we want to support here at yearend?\u201d We\u2019ve already made our donation. FamilyLife is one of those ministries that we support because God\u2019s used FamilyLife in our life this year; that\u2019s why it\u2019s on the list of ministries that we support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think this is a critical time of year. I know that, as a woman, I am thinking, \u201cYes; it\u2019s critical because there are so many things I have to do\/I have to get done\u201d; but I think it is important to stop for a second and just think: \u201cWhat is important in our lives? What is critical?\u201d For us\u2014I know for Dave and I\u2014FamilyLife and <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> has been critical in helping our marriage; so we\u2019re encouraging you to kind of stop and say: \u201cHow could I help? How could I help keep this ministry going and to keep going?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know a lot of couples do what we do. It\u2019s like: \u201cOkay; who do I give to? Do I know a ministry that\u2019s having a great impact?\u201d and \u201cDo I trust them?\u201d I mean, there are a lot of other factors, but those are the top two for us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Personally, FamilyLife has, not only changed our marriage, but our legacy. Now, sitting in this seat is changing <em>millions<\/em> of legacies\u2014I don\u2019t think I\u2019m exaggerating; am I?\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014<em>millions<\/em> across the world, over generations; and do we trust them? Yes; so it\u2019s an easy decision to say: \u201cWe want to make a difference. We\u2019re going to give to this ministry,\u201d and thinking, \u201cIt\u2019s going to be doubled.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That helps. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s really big. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know, when I run into people and they say: \u201cWe\u2019ve been listening to FamilyLife for years. God\u2019s used it in this way in my life\u2026.\u201d\u2014in the back of my mind, I have this thought: \u201cThat\u2019s where my donation went. That\u2019s why I gave so that this would happen.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019re hoping you will prayerfully consider a yearend donation. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to donate online or to call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. Your donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2.5 million. Help us take full advantage of that matching-gift opportunity by making a donation today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we get questions from listeners; we get folks, who come to our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaways, and they have questions that they say, \u201cWould you guys address this?\u201d I thought, \u201cWe\u2019ll bring a few of these in here and just see where we\u2019ll go with them.\u201d We\u2019ve done this before, so it\u2019s one of those days. You ready? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think Ann will do a great job. [Laughter] I can\u2019t wait to hear what she has to say.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to throw it right back to Bob; that\u2019s what we\u2019re going to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s what we\u2019ll do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here is the first question. This is in the area of conflict in a marriage. Somebody wrote to us and said, \u201cHow do you express your needs and your feelings to your spouse without provoking defensiveness or without the whole thing becoming just a big catastrophe?\u201d You\u2019ve had both experiences of defensiveness and figuring out how to do it right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and catastrophes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay; so if you, Ann, had something that has just been bothering you\u2014you\u2019re going, \u201cI need to talk to Dave about this,\u201d\u2014and it\u2019s something that he\u2019s got a blind spot or he doesn\u2019t seem to care about this\u2014and \u201cI just need to express it, but I don\u2019t want him to get defensive, and I want him to hear me clearly,\u201d\u2014is there a strategy for that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, first of all, you know how to do it the wrong way; right? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I was going to say, \u201cNo; there was no strategy in the early years.\u201d I thought it; I said it\u2014I didn\u2019t weigh it; I didn\u2019t analyze it. If it came to my mind, I thought it was worth repeating and saying. It seemed like, if I didn\u2019t do that, I would hold on to it; and sometimes, it would fester and grow; then I would blow up. Both were <em>horrible<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave was kind of taken off guard by\u2014\u201cWhere is this coming from?\u201d\u2014because he did get defensive by the way I communicated it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we\u2019ve said this here before; but especially, early in our marriage, if Ann would bring up <em>anything<\/em> negative\u2014and she just told you she did that without thinking; right?\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014I probably did as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I wasn\u2019t always mad. I would just bring it up and say it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She was sort of a verbal processor. As she was thinking it, it just sort of come out. I became the guy that just avoided it. We\u2019ve shared this\u2014but I would, literally, walk out of the room or sort of shut down. I remember getting in the car and driving away, and going and playing basketball, and thinking, \u201cWhen I come home, everything will be blown over; and we\u2019ll be fine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tObviously, we were young and na\u00efve. I didn\u2019t realize: \u201cIf you don\u2019t talk about it, it doesn\u2019t go away. It actually gets worse.\u201d I had to learn\u2014not only to stay\u2014I mean, that\u2019s one big practical step right there: \u201cDon\u2019t leave the room. Let\u2019s talk this through,\u201d\u2014but then, secondly, to <em>hear<\/em> hard things. I think that\u2019s one of the hardest things for <em>any<\/em> one of us. There is a DNA of selfishness in us that, when somebody\/a good friend\u2014and I have men in my life, who will speak to me about blind spots. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> in my life\u2014even though I can say, \u201cThis is good; you need to hear this,\u201d\u2014I\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> liked it. It\u2019s like: \u201cThis is hard. I don\u2019t have that blind spot. You\u2019re not right\u2014I\u2019m right; you\u2019re wrong.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMan, in our marriage, I really believe your spouse\/my spouse is a gift from God to help us become like Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s part of the mission of marriage. It\u2019s the sharpening of one another to become like Christ. It\u2019s a <em>gift<\/em> that you have a 24\/7 spouse that sees things other people don\u2019t see; loves you enough to speak the truth\u2014but what we do is we run. I ran: \u201cI don\u2019t want to hear it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve learned, over the years\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cOh my goodness! God has given me a gift.\u201d I have to sit in that seat, stay, and be willing to hear, hopefully, affirmation but also the truth in love,\u201d\u2014Ephesians 4:15: \u201cSpeak the truth in love and\u201d\u2014what?\u2014\u201cwe\u2019ll mature to be like Christ.\u201d If you\u2019re not willing to hear that, you\u2019re not going to mature like Christ; but if you are\u2014man, it can really shape us to be who God wants us to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> For you to stay, though, you had to learn how to express your frustrations, or your concerns, or just your observations in a way that wasn\u2019t a personal attack\/that didn\u2019t feel threatening. How did you adjust the instant spewing and turn it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014into something that was more refined? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And Dave did start staying, so he would hear me out. I didn\u2019t realize the way I was saying it was\u2014it was almost damaging your soul\u2014that\u2019s how I would put it. It felt like disrespect, and I didn\u2019t realize that I started to critique him a lot. He would stay; he would listen, and he would say <em>nothing<\/em>. So, I would say it again and again, like, \u201cOh, maybe, he didn\u2019t hear me,\u201d because he would just be quiet in his response. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve shared this story before, and it\u2019s in our book; but we were speaking at a women\u2019s group. I asked Dave to come with me\u2014I said: \u201cWomen are going to <em>love<\/em> what you say. You\u2019re so good this. They are going to love hearing a man\u2019s perspective.\u201d I said to Dave, like, \u201cAre you in?\u201d He said, \u201cYes; I\u2019m in.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe get up there, and he just starts talking about what it\u2019s like to be a man. He says to these women: \u201cWomen, I don\u2019t think you get what it\u2019s like for us because, as little boys, someone is cheering for us. Then we get older; and there is a coach, or a teacher, or a someone cheering for us, saying: \u2018You\u2019re good at this. You\u2019re great at this!\u2019\u201d He said: \u201cThen I played college football. I\u2019ve had that in my life\u2014I\u2019ve had cheering. When I met Ann\u2014more than anybody in the world, she\u2019s cheering for me, saying, \u2018Dave Wilson, you\u2019re the man. You\u2019re great at this!\u2019\u201d He said: \u201cThen, after we\u2019re married for a while, we\u2014as men\u2014walk in the door. All we hear is: \u2018Boooo! Boo!\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m sitting there, thinking, \u201cWhat in the world are you talking about?!\u201d He had never communicated that; he had never said it to me, personally. He had never voiced any concern. We got in the car; and I said, \u201cWhat was that?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was one of those long drives home. Have you ever had one of those, Bob? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Sure you have. I was like, \u201cWell, maybe, we should have talked about this before I said it <em>publicly<\/em>\u201d; but I did. I mean, she said: \u201cI\u2019m not booing you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m helping you!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m helping you!\u201d I\u2019ll never forget. I\u2019m like\u2014all I remember saying is: \u201cWell, it sure doesn\u2019t feel like help.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That was actually catalytic because it was a beginning of a discussion: One, for me to be able to articulate what her critique felt like. Boy, looking back, I needed that. I needed the truth in love; but the way it felt\u2014it felt like just chopping me down; she didn\u2019t believe in me\u2014didn\u2019t feel like affirmation. It led to a conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I did believe in him\u2014I just thought, \u201cThis is <em>motivating<\/em> him.\u201d That\u2019s what I thought: \u201cBy pointing out his flaws, he is going to become more motivated to be better.\u201d I really thought I was helping you, not realizing that my critique or my continual like: \u201cHey, you could do this,\u201d or \u201cWhy don\u2019t you do this?\u201d\u2014made you feel like I wasn\u2019t respecting you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI went on this journey, and it was a journey of my tongue; because before, I would just let my thoughts and my words flow. This time, I would take my thoughts and I would say, \u201cGod, should I say this?\u201d I can\u2019t tell you how many times it stopped me in my tracks. I would stop and say: \u201cShould I say it? Should I say it?\u201d So many times, it was: \u201cNo; say nothing!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut other times, I would ask\u2014if He gave me that green light\u2014my next question was: \u201cLord, <em>how<\/em> should I say it?\u201d That changed everything because, in James, when James says, \u201cAnyone who lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives generously,\u201d and God would always give me this way of saying it in a way that was respectful and the timing of it, too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, I hear you saying two things. First of all, you made a conscious decision to turn up the positive affirmation\u2014to say\/\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014to cheer Dave on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I hear you saying that, at the same time, you began to adjust those helpful observations you were making in the past and say them differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, talk about the different timing and the different way that you would say it. Let me just start there. If you were noticing that Dave is not spending enough time with the boys\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014how would you have said it in the early days?\u2014and how did you change to say it later? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> In the early days, I would say: \u201cWhy are you always gone? The boys don\u2019t even know who you are anymore!\u201d That\u2019s not very motivating! [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Uh, yes; I can remember\u2014it\u2019s like yesterday, hearing her say that as I was walking out the door to a meeting\/to a\u2014you know, again, I\u2019m walking out the door thinking: \u201cI\u2019m providing for my family. I\u2019m working hard. This is really all for you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand it\u2019s the church; I\u2019m serving Jesus.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I\u2019ll tell you this, Bob\u2014sitting here, almost 20\/30 years removed from that \u201cboo\u201d story\u2014she started speaking <em>life<\/em>. Now, we\u2019ll get to this\u2014she had to speak helpful truths as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Whenever we talk about this at a conference or anywhere, wives will come up and say: \u201cYes; but I need to speak critical things to him. You\u2019re saying, \u2018Don\u2019t do that\u2019?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is what I would say: \u201cNo; you need to do that at times; but if that is <em>all<\/em> he hears, he is <em>not<\/em> going to be motivated. But if he hears positives\u2014affirmations, belief, respect words\u2014if that\u2019s what\u2019s going in that pocket: change, change, change; and you pull a quarter out, your son\/your husband\u2014and this is true for women as well; it goes both ways\u2014they are going to receive that much better if there is more affirmation.\u201d That is what happened in our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, she increased the affirmation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, it was incredible. She started saying things like: \u201cYou\u2019re a good man,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re a good husband.\u201d I remember, when she first started saying it, I just looked at her like: No; I\u2019m not. Why? You\u2019ve never said this! You\u2019ve said the opposite of this.\u201d So, I thought she was lying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Part of it was I felt like Dave got praise from everyone: \u201cOh, the church is praising him\u2014people\/everybody. I\u2019m like, \u201cHe doesn\u2019t need that from me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; and \u201cIf I say it, he\u2019s going to start to get complacent and go, \u2018I am a good man.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly; \u201cIt will enable him to stay the same.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But here is the truth that I discovered\u2014and I think it\u2019s universal\u2014is when she started saying I was good: \u201c\u2026good man,\u201d \u201c\u2026good husband,\u201d \u201c\u2026good father,\u201d \u201c\u2026good pastor,\u201d\u2014it sort of like she raised the bar up. I was thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not that good\u201d; but what it did\u2014it <em>motivated<\/em> me to become the man she was saying I was that I didn\u2019t really even think I was yet. Instead of: \u201cWhy don\u2019t you do this?\u201d \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t do that,\u201d\u2014thinking that motivated me; that demotivated. I think it demotivates men, because respect is our language. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the areas I remember Ann\u2014it felt like continually critiquing me on was spiritual leadership in the home, especially with our boys when they were little. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think I had this idea of what it should look like. I had always had Dennis Rainey in mind. [Laughter] I would think: \u201cDennis would do it like this,\u201d or \u201cDennis wouldn\u2019t have done that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And she used that name a couple of times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I did; I really did. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> That really worked <em>really well<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; but no; I remember feeling like: \u201cI\u2019m a good spiritual leader at the church. I\u2019m not good at home.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I\u2019ll tell you something\u2014I remember one night\u2014you asked earlier, Bob, like, \u201cHow would you say this differently?\u201d I remember one night walking out of the bedroom, after putting the three boys down in bed\u2014again, they are young; they are probably six, four, and two\/something like that\u2014and praying with them, telling a Bible story. As I\u2019m walking out the door, she is coming up the stairs. I can see it\u2014this is how powerful respect is to a man\u2014I can <em>see<\/em> this moment. She says to me, \u201cMan, I <em>admire<\/em> the power you have.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I said: \u201cI\u2019m jealous\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cjealous of the power you have over our boys. You say a few words, and they cling to every word. That\u2019s an <em>amazing<\/em> influence that you have. They don\u2019t cling to my words like they cling to yours.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So, what was she saying? She was saying the opposite of what she said before in a positive way\u2014\u201cWhy aren\u2019t you ever home? Why don\u2019t you ever spend time with the boys?\u201d She said it like, \u201cYou have this power,\u201d\u2014so what happened? The next night, I\u2019m <em>running<\/em> up to the bedroom to pray with my boys because I\u2019m like: \u201cYes; I do have power. It\u2019s amazing. Thank You, God, for this power. Why would I miss this window in their life?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, she wasn\u2019t\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t make it up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014trying to manipulate me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But it was a different way to speak truth in a positive way that motivated me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I had asked God: \u201cGod, give me eyes to see the things that Dave is doing <em>right<\/em>.\u201d Many times, we only look for the things that they are doing wrong. It\u2019s like I think we create neurological pathways to only see the negative, so I was asking God to show me the positive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is the thing that I want to ask you guys\u2014is for Dave and I, we are in front of all of these women when I find out Dave has had this need that he\u2019s never communicated to me. Like, you <em>never<\/em> said, \u201cYou boo me.\u201d You <em>never<\/em> said, \u201cI feel like you\u2019re not cheering for me.\u201d You <em>never<\/em> had said that; you were just <em>silent<\/em>. It seems to me, from the women I\u2019ve talked to, that men aren\u2019t as expressive as women in their needs: \u201cIs that true?\u201d and \u201cShould men express the needs that they have in their marriage besides intimacy needs\/physical intimacy needs?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Why besides those? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because I think those can be communicated because we hear those. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, I think for a man to say, \u201cThese are things I need,\u201d is to say, \u201cI\u2019m weak and helpless,\u201d at some level. What man wants to say to a woman: \u201cHey, here are my weaknesses\u201d? First of all, I\u2019m giving you, now, a tool to know how to wound me. If you know my weaknesses, then you know how to hurt me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Secondly, I\u2019m confessing that I\u2019m not the self-sufficient man. Are you going to respect me less or love me less if you think: \u201cOh, there are these things that he needs. He\u2019s not self-sufficient. He can\u2019t handle himself\u201d? Who is attracted to a guy who is needy? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Every woman is if it\u2019s not a needy needy; but to say: \u201cThis is what I\u2019m feeling. This is what I\u2019m longing for,\u201d\u2014I <em>want<\/em> to hear that from Dave, but he doesn\u2019t usually express it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if Dave had said to you, \u201cI need your praise, your affirmation, your approval,\u201d and you had said, \u201cOkay; I can do that,\u201d then the problem is\u2014the next day, when you go, \u201cYou know, you\u2019re such a powerful man,\u201d we\u2019re thinking, \u201cYou\u2019re just doing what I told you to do yesterday. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cso it doesn\u2019t count.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cYou don\u2019t really believe that. If you really believed it, it would come out <em>naturally<\/em>. If I have to tell you that, and then you do it, it\u2019s like: \u2018You\u2019re just\u2014you don\u2019t believe that. You\u2019re just doing it because I told you I need it.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So I think that\u2019s part\u2014do you agree with that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think, often, we <em>think<\/em> through all that Bob just said; but it\u2019s what we\u2019re <em>feeling<\/em>: \u201cI\u2019m not going to share because I\u2019m weak.\u201d We grow up with a wrong, macho DNA that says, \u201cA real man isn\u2019t weak\u201d; so it\u2019s hard to say out loud. So, yes; I\u2019ll stand on stage and say it to a whole bunch of women, talking about being weak; you know? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut yes; all I know is this: Ann is my biggest cheerleader. I mean, it\u2019s <em>real<\/em>; she\u2019s says it, <em>daily<\/em>, how much she believes in me, and thanks me, and notices; and it really brings life to me. That story was decades ago, and it isn\u2019t the way she lives anymore. She\u2019s learned to speak life, and it\u2019s really changed my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I think you\u2019ve done a really good job of doing that to me. It\u2019s amazing how a simple \u201cThank you,\u201d changes everything. The reason I didn\u2019t say those things to Dave before was because I had this selfish attitude: \u201cWell, who thanks <em>me<\/em>? Who <em>looks<\/em> at <em>me<\/em>? Who appreciates <em>me<\/em>?\u201d It was this self-pity mindset that I had. When I started to realize: \u201cWhen I\u2019m with Jesus, He saying that every day: \u2018Look at you, Ann. I see everything you are doing.\u2019\u201d It changed my heart; it changed my attitude.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy simply saying, \u201cDave, thanks for taking out the garbage,\u201d or \u201cThanks for being with the boys,\u201d or \u201cThanks for\u2014you were amazing, preaching today,\u201d\u2014those are little things. It sounds like, \u201cOh, that is so simple to do\u201d; but sometimes, our pride keeps us back from saying that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, the action points from today are: To improve your communication\u2014so that you can express what you\u2019re thinking, feeling, needing to one another\u2014turn up the volume on appreciation, on respect, on saying positive things to\u00a0 one another and building one another up. That\u2019s a biblical principle\u2014encourage one another\/build one another up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, secondly, when you do have to communicate something that is going to be hard to hear, think through how to say it and when to say it. Mary Ann and I have had this conversation. For her to say, as I\u2019m leaving for work in the morning, \u201cI want to talk to you about something tonight,\u201d [Laughter] then I\u2019m, all day, going\u2014\u201cWhat am I\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cAm I in trouble?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; right. So, she\u2019s had to know\u2014first thing in the morning, when it\u2019s fresh on her mind and she\u2019d liked to get it resolved\u2014that\u2019s not the time to talk to me about it. I have to know that 9:30 at night, when she is starting to fall asleep, is not the time for me to say, \u201cHey, let\u2019s talk about this right now.\u201d We\u2019ve got to find that time when we are both alert and awake and can receive it\u2014think through <em>how<\/em> to say it and <em>when<\/em> to say it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I think it\u2019s good to sandwich the correction in between two slices of affirmation, so to put\u2014to start off with a positive\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014then say, \u201cHere\u2019s an area I think could use improvement.\u201d Then come around with another slice of affirmation on the other side. It just makes it easier to hear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014easier to swallow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; this is something you guys talk about in your book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, which, of course, we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. I\u2019d encourage our listeners to go to FamilyLifeToday.com. If you\u2019ve not read Dave and Ann\u2019s book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, it\u2019s all about how we can have the kind of marriage that God wants us to have if we are plugged in, together, to hear Him\u2014if we are drawing our life from Him; if we are, as you guys like to say, \u201c\u2026going vertical in our marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the book, <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get a copy. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call us at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe mentioned earlier how critical the next four weeks are going to be for us, here at FamilyLife. As we head into a new year, what happens in the next four weeks\u2014what we hear from our listeners and the yearend donations we receive\u2014will help us determine how much ministry we are able to do in 2020: \u201cWill we be able to move forward and reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope for their marriages and their families? Will we have to pull back in some areas?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of that will be determined by what we hear from <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners during the month of December. So, we\u2019re asking you, \u201cWould you help us, not just maintain, but move forward in what we believe is an essential ministry area in our world today?\u201d When you make a donation during the month of December, that donation is going to be matched, dollar for dollar, up to a total of $2.5 million. That\u2019s the reason we\u2019re asking you to be as generous as you can be, here at yearend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf your donation is, at least, $50 or more, we\u2019d love to send you a copy of a brand-new couples devotional that we\u2019ve put together, here at FamilyLife. It\u2019s a year\u2019s worth of devotions: one a week for couples to go through. It\u2019s called <em>The Story of Us<\/em>, and it\u2019s our gift to you when you make a yearend donation of, at least, $50 for the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about how you calm kids who are really angry. Ron Deal talks with Tricia Goyer about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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