{"id":305483,"date":"2019-11-01T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2019-11-01T10:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-childless-stepmom\/"},"modified":"2019-11-01T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2019-11-01T10:00:05","slug":"the-childless-stepmom","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-childless-stepmom\/","title":{"rendered":"The Childless Stepmom"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>For a woman with no biological children, stepping into the role of stepmom can be a bewildering labyrinth of complexities. Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge discuss how to navigate this winding path.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-11-01.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:49","filesize":"26.38M","filesize_raw":"27663904","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,2894,2858],"tags":[2560,6686],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3308,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305483","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-stepfamily-living","category-stepparenting-skills","tag-blended-families","tag-stepmoms","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305483\/the-childless-stepmom","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305483\/the-childless-stepmom","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"SV5aQviC3d\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-childless-stepmom\/\">The Childless Stepmom<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-childless-stepmom\/embed\/#?secret=SV5aQviC3d\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Childless Stepmom&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"SV5aQviC3d\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-11-01.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-11-01.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When you fall in love with and choose to marry somebody, who already has kids, what\u2019s the proper expectation about your relationship with those children? That\u2019s the issue Laura Petherbridge had to deal with when she became an instant stepmom to brothers, who were 11 and 13 years old.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>I don\u2019t want somebody to hear it\u2019s okay to be mean to them, or cruel, or never love them, or hate them, or anything like that. It just means you love them differently. I didn\u2019t fall love with them the moment I laid eyes on them. I chose to love my two stepsons. I had to pray about loving them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, November 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll hear today from Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal about the challenges parents face when they become instant stepparents. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. I want to get you guys caught up with what has been going on with Season Two of Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. I don\u2019t know if you guys subscribe to this, but Season Two has been out for a while now. It\u2019s really encouraging for us to be getting the feedback we\u2019re getting from listeners, who are regularly saying: \u201cThis is the lifeline we have been looking for,\u201d \u201cThis is what we need.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we lose sight of the fact that folks, who are in step and blended marriages\u2014they face unique pressures; and they\u2019re looking for somebody, who says: \u201cI understand what you\u2019re going through,\u201d and \u201cWe want to be here to help.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I would say, \u201cThank God for Ron Deal and that ministry,\u201d because there are very few people talkingto the complicated issues of step\/blended family. He is on the pulse and speaking that language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I have recommended his podcast to so many people. They were unaware there was any help for them, and they were so encouraged.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In Episode 16 of the podcast, Ron talked with a co-author of his, Laura Petherbridge. Together, they wrote the book, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. They had a conversation; in fact, we\u2019re going to let our listeners hear some excerpts from this podcast today; because so many of our listeners are dealing with these issues. They had a conversation about stepmoms, who have never experienced giving birth themselves\u2014they don\u2019t have any biological kids or any adopted kids that they bring into a marriage. All of a sudden, they are in a step-marriage; and they are moms, instantly, to somebody else\u2019s kids. There are unique challenges that come with that\u2014practically\/emotionally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal and Laura Petherbridge had an extended conversation about that. They started at one point in the conversation, talking about the difference between a mom, who comes into a step relationship as a childless mom, and the couple who may be child-free for any particular reason.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And you just got me all confused, so we\u2019re going to find out exactly the difference between the two. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Hopefully they can clarify this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> A childless stepmom is a woman who would like to have a child or would have wanted to have a child but cannot. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>The child-free stepmom is someone who <em>chose<\/em> not to have children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Large reason for that may be because they don't want their child being raised in a stepfamily. They just don't want the child to have to deal with siblings that are in two homes, and they feel that's too confusing. She's choosing not to have a baby; it's not a big ache in her heart that she doesn't have a child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Alright, so let\u2019s zero in on the childless stepmom for a minute. In one of your blogs, you share some quotes from childless stepmoms and what they're feeling is about it. Let me read a few and have you react to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne said, \u201cI'll never experience the bond my husband has experienced with his first wife by having a child together.\" Right; that\u2019s something that is a spiritual bond, so she's missing out on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother woman said: \u201cI feel cheated. I must live the mommy life, but I don't get to fully embrace them as my children. They keep me at arm's length, and they don't want a deeper relationship because they already have a mom.\u201d Yes; so she's definitely feeling the lack of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen this third one\u2014I'd love for you to comment on this one: \u201cMy husband simply doesn't get it. He can't understand why his kids aren't enough to fill the hole in my heart and the emptiness of my womb. I crave a baby of my own. He gets mad at me and he says, \u2018Why aren't my kids enough for you?\u2019 and then I feel guilty on top of the grief.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, so what's going on there for <em>her<\/em>? What do you think is going on for <em>him<\/em>? Why would he put that sort of expectation or pressure on her?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I was actually pretty surprised when I got into stepfamily ministry at how many husbands think that his kids are going to fill her mother desire. I think, because he views her as a loving mother\u2014you know, these children sometimes will love her; they\u2019ll call her mom. He wants his new wife to fill that mommy gap for his children so badly; because he is not happy with his ex-wife\u2014either because he thinks she's a bad mom or it's not his wife anymore. Because he desires for his new wife to be the \u201cmom\u201d to his kids so badly, he assumed she was going to feel the same way\u2014that it was going to fill that gap for him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think this is purely a male versus female thing. I think it is purely that a man cannot understand the hole in a woman's heart when she craves a baby and cannot have one. I'm not saying they don't hurt. I'm just saying that I don't think he gets it\u2014I don't think that's his fault<strong>\u2014<\/strong>and it often makes her feel <em>worse<\/em> when he says that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Because she then feels like she's disappointing <em>him<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; so, now, it's another disappointment added on top of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely; and I know very few stepmoms who view their stepchildren in exactly the same way they do their own. I know many stepmoms, who love their step kids\u2014view them as family, love them, would do anything for them\u2014but when you ask, \u201cDo you have the same emotions toward your biological children as you do your stepchildren?\u201d they will say: \u201cNo; it's a different type of love,\u201d \u201cIt's a different type of bond,\u201d \u201cIt's different.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let's camp out there for just a second, because that just shocked somebody listening right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, it did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They just heard, \u201cWhoa; it's not the same,\u201d and \u201cI always thought it should be the same,\u201d or \u201c\u2026would be the same, either of myself or of\u201d\u2014if it's a dad\u2014\u201cof my wife.\u201d You just implied that that's normal for that difference to be experienced in a woman, who's both a mother and a stepmother.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think you're right; I think it is different. It does not mean that they don't love one another. Just like parents, who adopt a child, love them. If they have biological children, they also know the unique difference that comes with that automatic form of love that, just because they share DNA\u2014like it's really an indescribable experience\u2014but it is qualitatively different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, you can act in love; choose to love; have strong, strong feelings for one another; be all-in in terms of that relationship; and yet, there's some sort of visceral difference in how you experience that love with a stepchild versus a biological child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, this goes two ways: stepchildren can have incredible love and passion for their stepparents and, yet, they have a visceral unexplained difference in how they feel, and the level of commitment that they experience, and the desire and passion that they have for a relationship with their biological parent. It's a two-way street. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; absolutely. I call it a hard-wired bond.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It's there the moment they took a breath\u2014even before the child comes out of the womb\u2014there's this bond with that child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou mentioned adoption. See, the difference in adoption is that the husband and wife went, together, and saw this baby for the first time, together, as a couple. This was a common thread between them: \u201cWe\u2019re both adopting this baby together.\u201d Where, in a stepfamily: \u201cThis is a child my husband had with another woman.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> When we place the label on stepmoms that they should love their stepchildren exactly the same way they do their own, that is terribly unrealistic.I <em>chose<\/em> to love my two stepsons. I had to pray about loving them. I had to pray past anything they do that reminds me of their mother. There's always going to be that little bit of jealousy factor\/a little bit of competitive factor that you don't have with a biological child, even an adopted child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I say that \u201cStepmoms love their stepchildren differently,\u201d that doesn't mean it's not a love. As you and I talk about in the book, it's a chosen love. I had to <em>work<\/em> to love my stepkids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, yes, I don't want somebody to hear that it's okay to be mean to them, or cruel, or never love them, or hate them, or anything like that. It just means you love them differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; right. So to just put a little wrap on this conversation for maybe a biological dad, who's listening, what would you say to him if his wife is childless and he\u2019s beginning to understand her pain just a little bit better, based on what we've been talking about. What would you encourage him to do in terms of how he loves her?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> First, I would recommend that he ask God to give him the eyes of her heart. Second of all, recognize that, as much as she loves your children, these are children you had with another woman. I really think he needs to focus and hear her. That's all she wants you to do is\u2014hear her. Hear her heart, hear her empty womb, and stop trying to make your children be enough for her. Let her <em>grieve<\/em> that empty womb.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Join her in the grieving process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That's right. You don't understand that grieving process because you didn't have an emptiness in that area; you were able to become a dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Remember how exciting that was for you to become a dad or to find out you were going to be a dad for the first time. Focus on that and recognize she has lost that\u2014it is a <em>grief<\/em> for her. He\u2019s got to join her in that grief or, at least, have compassion for it; because if not, she's going to feel isolated from him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me step in here for just a second. We\u2019re listening to an extended portion of one of Ron Deal\u2019s podcasts, the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast conversation he\u2019s having with author and speaker, Laura Petherbridge, who co-wrote <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> with him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think Laura is exactly right. Guys don\u2019t fully understand the loss that a woman can feel if she has not been able to be a mom. I don\u2019t know what it is. For a guy not to be a dad, there can be loss there\u2014I\u2019m not trying to minimize that\u2014but I think there is something profoundly deeper for a woman, who says, \u201cI\u2019m not a mom. I\u2019ve never had kids of my own,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s a grief there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think for a man to be saying: \u201cBut you have my kids; they\u2019re are my kids,\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t think that sometimes a man can understand that that is true, and it can be beautiful; but there is a lamenting, and a loss, and a grieving process that takes place in a woman\u2019s heart that can really be hard. I don\u2019t know why that is. I don\u2019t know what men\u2014if they can compartmentalize that\u2014but for us, as women, I think it\u2019s really, really important for a man to grieve with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The verse that comes to mind, for me, as I\u2019m listening to Ron and Laura have this conversation, is 1 Peter 3, where Peter says to husbands, \u201cLive with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d Dave, for us to do that as guys, we have to understand that how you feel about something should not be minimized or dismissed. You shouldn\u2019t say, \u201cThat\u2019s not that big a deal.\u201d No; you need to step in and say, \u201cI know this is hard for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes. It\u2019s the \u201cwalk a mile in their shoes\u201d type idea. It\u2019s interesting\u2014I just preached this year, on Mother\u2019s Day, on Hannah. I said in that sermon\u2014I\u2019m looking at my notes\u2014I said, \u201cMoms carry a burden that we cannot see.\u201d I can\u2019t tell you the number of moms that came up and said, \u201cThank you for speaking, out loud, the weight I carry, as a mom,\u201d\u2014some wanting to be a mom and can\u2019t; and yet, it is an unbelievable burden. That\u2019s what we\u2019re addressing today. It\u2019s something we have to speak out and understand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want our listeners to hear another excerpt from the podcast. Again, this is the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, Episode 16, Ron Deal talking with Laura Petherbridge. Laura\u2019s story, is an interesting story. She had a very difficult childhood and, as a result, she was child-free\u2014not childless\u2014but child-free. She said that is a different approach\/a different way of thinking and needs to be understood differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let's talk a little bit about the child-free stepmom. Some just haven't maybe had a chance to have a child\u2014maybe she's young, just hasn't been married and hasn't had an opportunity to have a child yet. But there are others, who are choosing not to have a child\u2014they\u2019ve made a choice to do that. That's been your story; correct?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, that's correct. I grew up\u2014I had a very painful childhood. That's not uncommon for women, that have had a painful childhood, that they sometimes they either go in one direction or the other; they either don't want any children or they want lots of children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo for me, I was pretty young when I decided, \u201cI don't want to bring a child into the world,\u201d\u2014not because I didn't think I would be a good mother\u2014but because, to me, the world was painful; so I didn't want to do that to somebody I love. Now, again, I was young; I was in a lot of pain. God hadn\u2019t healed a lot of things in my heart yet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, when I married Steve and he had two sons, I knew what it was to be in a stepfamily because my dad had remarried twice after the divorce with my mom. Then the reason I didn't want to have a child was coupled with I don't want to bring a baby into the stepfamily dynamic. It's not because I don't love my husband; it's not because I don't think I would be a good mom. I don't want a child to have to experience siblings\/half siblings that come and go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI knew what it was to have my dad add an \u201cours\u201d baby in his second marriage. You automatically feel like: \u201cOh, he\u2019s got a new baby. He probably doesn't love <em>me<\/em> as much now. How am I going to compete?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, jealousy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, being pushed out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCouple of quotes that you shared on your blog from child-free stepmoms: \u201cI'm childless by choice, and I wonder what my future will look like when I get older and frail. I have no kids of my own to take care of me, and I'm doubtful his kids will help.\u201d I think that's a very real concern for stepmom\/stepparents of all kinds, but stepmoms in particular. Yes, you're childless by choice and, yet, there is some implication for what happens in your future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely; and the older you get, the more that phrase rings true. I'm 63; my husband is 72. The chance of him dying before me is statistically greater, so it does cross my mind. I do think of those things that any woman would think of: \u201cWho is going to take care of me when my husband dies?\u201d or \u201cWhat will my life be like?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's a very real aspect of a childless woman\u2019s life. Most statistics will show\u2014I've read several financial articles\u2014about kids, who feel obligated to take care of their parents; most stepkids do not feel obligated. They don't feel it's their responsibility. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014at least, not to the same degree as to their biological parent; it\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>You know what? I\u2019ve had two stepmoms; I totally see where that way of thinking would be accurate. \u201cI've got my own mother to take care of; I'm not going to be taking care of two mothers or three mothers\u201d; you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> So I get that. If I let it, that would paralyze me with fear; but I have chosen not to. I have to pray about that when that little bit of fear pops back up. God has been so faithful to me throughout my life that I have that history to look back on and trust Him with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't expect my stepkids; if they do it, great; but I don't have that expectation that they will step up. Now, I'm fairly close with my two grandkids. Both of Steve\u2019s sons each have a child. I am close with his kids\u2014I am \u201cNona\u201d to them; I am not \u201cStep-Nona\u201d\u2014so it's possible\/it is possible that the grandkids will be my extended family when I get older. But again, that\u2019s in God's hands; I can't control that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Boy, that\u2019s interesting. We\u2019ve been listening to a segment\/a second segment from a conversation Ron Deal had with author and speaker, Laura Petherbridge, as a part of the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast. By the way, there\u2019s a link on our website at <em>FamilyLIfeToday.com<\/em> if you want to listen to the entire podcast episode. Laura talks about how a stepmom, who is a childless stepmom, can often feel like a maid or a chauffeur and not a real part of the family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you stop and think about extended family, and about death, and about \u201cWhat is the relationship between stepkids and their stepparents, once the bio-mom or dad is gone?\u201d It\u2019s not just a question of: \u201cWhat\u2019s the right thing to do in that situation?\u201d but there\u2019s the emotional sense of: \u201cAm I a loved person if my stepkids aren\u2019t entering into and engaging in this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave, I\u2019m looking at you; because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Bob, I\u2019m listening to Laura; and I\u2019m that stepson. Yes, I feel different about my bio-mom and my stepmom. It shouldn\u2019t be that way; it\u2019s different; it just is\u2014and that\u2019s what she is addressing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI love her [Laura\u2019s] perspective: \u201cI\u2019m not going trust in my kids to be my source of peace, really; I\u2019m going to trust God.\u201d That\u2019s true for all of us. It\u2019s not just a stepmom or not\u2014it\u2019s all of us have to, at the end of the day, say, \u201cMy life, my happiness, my peace is not going to come from children, or from parents, or from a spouse; it ultimately comes from God.\u201d She\u2019s wise in that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We can\u2019t allow our identity\u2014whether it\u2019s as a stepmom or a stepdad\u2014our worth as a human being to be wrapped up in how somebody else decides to relate to us at any point in life. We have to have our identity anchored and rooted in who we are, as a child of God, and in the extended family that all of us are a part of and that\u2019s the family of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf your stepkids, now that their bio-mom or dad is gone, if they don\u2019t have as much interaction with you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014it doesn\u2019t mean you aren\u2019t dearly loved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and it doesn\u2019t mean that you are without a family. Because, in the family of God, you\u2019ve got brothers and sisters and others who can pour into you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope our listeners will listen to the entire podcast that features Ron and Laura. One of the things they talk about, in the extended version of the podcast, is what a stepmom can do when the biological mom is poisoning the kids against the new stepmom. You can go to our website, <em>FamilyLifeToday.com<\/em>, to find out more about the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast. Subscribe to the podcast or listen to this particular episode. Again, all the details are available at <em>FamilyIfeToday.com.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have copies of the book that Ron and Laura wrote together, called <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal has also just released a new book on stepfamily financial planning. There are a lot of financial issues that factor into forming a stepfamily. Ron, along with co-authors, Greg Pettys and David Edwards have addressed these issues in <em>The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning<\/em>. We have that book on our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for information on all the resources we have available. Or call if you\u2019d like to order books: 1-800- FL-TODAY is our number\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got a big weekend going on this weekend for couples attending FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>marriage getaways. We\u2019ve got getaways happening this weekend in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Louisville, Kentucky; Estes Park, Colorado; San Diego; and South Padre Island in Texas. <em>Thousands<\/em> of couples will be with us over the next 72 hours; pray for these couples if you will. Just pray that God would do a great work in their marriage this weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks to those of you who make everything we do here at FamilyLife possible. You make these getaways possible. You make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, our website, our resources, all of that happens when you donate to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. And we\u2019re grateful for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpeaking of gratitude, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. We\u2019ve got a free download right now for those of you who would like to make the most of this season of the year, helping your children understand what it means to be thankful. We\u2019ve put together our \u201cFamily Gratitude Plan.\u201d There are articles and activities\u2014things that are available for you to do during the month of November to help your kids increase their gratitude quotient. We could all use a little bit of that; couldn\u2019t we? Again, you can download \u201cTheFamily Gratitude Plan\u201d when you go to <a id=\"_Hlk22118232\">FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/a> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend this weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church over the weekend. And I hope you can join us back on Monday; Dennis and Barbara Rainey are going to join us to talk about how we can maximize the Thanksgiving holiday\u2014that\u2019s one of their passions, so I hope you can tune in to be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:49"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.38M"],"filesize_raw":["27663904"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305483.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305483.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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a woman with no biological children, stepping into the role of stepmom can be a bewildering labyrinth of complexities. Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge discuss how to navigate this winding path.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-11-01.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When you fall in love with and choose to marry somebody, who already has kids, what\u2019s the proper expectation about your relationship with those children? That\u2019s the issue Laura Petherbridge had to deal with when she became an instant stepmom to brothers, who were 11 and 13 years old.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>I don\u2019t want somebody to hear it\u2019s okay to be mean to them, or cruel, or never love them, or hate them, or anything like that. It just means you love them differently. I didn\u2019t fall love with them the moment I laid eyes on them. I chose to love my two stepsons. I had to pray about loving them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, November 1<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll hear today from Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal about the challenges parents face when they become instant stepparents. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. I want to get you guys caught up with what has been going on with Season Two of Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. I don\u2019t know if you guys subscribe to this, but Season Two has been out for a while now. It\u2019s really encouraging for us to be getting the feedback we\u2019re getting from listeners, who are regularly saying: \u201cThis is the lifeline we have been looking for,\u201d \u201cThis is what we need.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we lose sight of the fact that folks, who are in step and blended marriages\u2014they face unique pressures; and they\u2019re looking for somebody, who says: \u201cI understand what you\u2019re going through,\u201d and \u201cWe want to be here to help.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I would say, \u201cThank God for Ron Deal and that ministry,\u201d because there are very few people talkingto the complicated issues of step\/blended family. He is on the pulse and speaking that language.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I have recommended his podcast to so many people. They were unaware there was any help for them, and they were so encouraged.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In Episode 16 of the podcast, Ron talked with a co-author of his, Laura Petherbridge. Together, they wrote the book, <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. They had a conversation; in fact, we\u2019re going to let our listeners hear some excerpts from this podcast today; because so many of our listeners are dealing with these issues. They had a conversation about stepmoms, who have never experienced giving birth themselves\u2014they don\u2019t have any biological kids or any adopted kids that they bring into a marriage. All of a sudden, they are in a step-marriage; and they are moms, instantly, to somebody else\u2019s kids. There are unique challenges that come with that\u2014practically\/emotionally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal and Laura Petherbridge had an extended conversation about that. They started at one point in the conversation, talking about the difference between a mom, who comes into a step relationship as a childless mom, and the couple who may be child-free for any particular reason.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And you just got me all confused, so we\u2019re going to find out exactly the difference between the two. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Hopefully they can clarify this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> A childless stepmom is a woman who would like to have a child or would have wanted to have a child but cannot. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>The child-free stepmom is someone who <em>chose<\/em> not to have children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Large reason for that may be because they don't want their child being raised in a stepfamily. They just don't want the child to have to deal with siblings that are in two homes, and they feel that's too confusing. She's choosing not to have a baby; it's not a big ache in her heart that she doesn't have a child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Alright, so let\u2019s zero in on the childless stepmom for a minute. In one of your blogs, you share some quotes from childless stepmoms and what they're feeling is about it. Let me read a few and have you react to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne said, \u201cI'll never experience the bond my husband has experienced with his first wife by having a child together.\" Right; that\u2019s something that is a spiritual bond, so she's missing out on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother woman said: \u201cI feel cheated. I must live the mommy life, but I don't get to fully embrace them as my children. They keep me at arm's length, and they don't want a deeper relationship because they already have a mom.\u201d Yes; so she's definitely feeling the lack of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen this third one\u2014I'd love for you to comment on this one: \u201cMy husband simply doesn't get it. He can't understand why his kids aren't enough to fill the hole in my heart and the emptiness of my womb. I crave a baby of my own. He gets mad at me and he says, \u2018Why aren't my kids enough for you?\u2019 and then I feel guilty on top of the grief.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, so what's going on there for <em>her<\/em>? What do you think is going on for <em>him<\/em>? Why would he put that sort of expectation or pressure on her?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I was actually pretty surprised when I got into stepfamily ministry at how many husbands think that his kids are going to fill her mother desire. I think, because he views her as a loving mother\u2014you know, these children sometimes will love her; they\u2019ll call her mom. He wants his new wife to fill that mommy gap for his children so badly; because he is not happy with his ex-wife\u2014either because he thinks she's a bad mom or it's not his wife anymore. Because he desires for his new wife to be the \u201cmom\u201d to his kids so badly, he assumed she was going to feel the same way\u2014that it was going to fill that gap for him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think this is purely a male versus female thing. I think it is purely that a man cannot understand the hole in a woman's heart when she craves a baby and cannot have one. I'm not saying they don't hurt. I'm just saying that I don't think he gets it\u2014I don't think that's his fault<strong>\u2014<\/strong>and it often makes her feel <em>worse<\/em> when he says that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Because she then feels like she's disappointing <em>him<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; so, now, it's another disappointment added on top of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely; and I know very few stepmoms who view their stepchildren in exactly the same way they do their own. I know many stepmoms, who love their step kids\u2014view them as family, love them, would do anything for them\u2014but when you ask, \u201cDo you have the same emotions toward your biological children as you do your stepchildren?\u201d they will say: \u201cNo; it's a different type of love,\u201d \u201cIt's a different type of bond,\u201d \u201cIt's different.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let's camp out there for just a second, because that just shocked somebody listening right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, it did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They just heard, \u201cWhoa; it's not the same,\u201d and \u201cI always thought it should be the same,\u201d or \u201c\u2026would be the same, either of myself or of\u201d\u2014if it's a dad\u2014\u201cof my wife.\u201d You just implied that that's normal for that difference to be experienced in a woman, who's both a mother and a stepmother.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think you're right; I think it is different. It does not mean that they don't love one another. Just like parents, who adopt a child, love them. If they have biological children, they also know the unique difference that comes with that automatic form of love that, just because they share DNA\u2014like it's really an indescribable experience\u2014but it is qualitatively different. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, you can act in love; choose to love; have strong, strong feelings for one another; be all-in in terms of that relationship; and yet, there's some sort of visceral difference in how you experience that love with a stepchild versus a biological child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, this goes two ways: stepchildren can have incredible love and passion for their stepparents and, yet, they have a visceral unexplained difference in how they feel, and the level of commitment that they experience, and the desire and passion that they have for a relationship with their biological parent. It's a two-way street. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; absolutely. I call it a hard-wired bond.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> It's there the moment they took a breath\u2014even before the child comes out of the womb\u2014there's this bond with that child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou mentioned adoption. See, the difference in adoption is that the husband and wife went, together, and saw this baby for the first time, together, as a couple. This was a common thread between them: \u201cWe\u2019re both adopting this baby together.\u201d Where, in a stepfamily: \u201cThis is a child my husband had with another woman.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> When we place the label on stepmoms that they should love their stepchildren exactly the same way they do their own, that is terribly unrealistic.I <em>chose<\/em> to love my two stepsons. I had to pray about loving them. I had to pray past anything they do that reminds me of their mother. There's always going to be that little bit of jealousy factor\/a little bit of competitive factor that you don't have with a biological child, even an adopted child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I say that \u201cStepmoms love their stepchildren differently,\u201d that doesn't mean it's not a love. As you and I talk about in the book, it's a chosen love. I had to <em>work<\/em> to love my stepkids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, yes, I don't want somebody to hear that it's okay to be mean to them, or cruel, or never love them, or hate them, or anything like that. It just means you love them differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; right. So to just put a little wrap on this conversation for maybe a biological dad, who's listening, what would you say to him if his wife is childless and he\u2019s beginning to understand her pain just a little bit better, based on what we've been talking about. What would you encourage him to do in terms of how he loves her?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> First, I would recommend that he ask God to give him the eyes of her heart. Second of all, recognize that, as much as she loves your children, these are children you had with another woman. I really think he needs to focus and hear her. That's all she wants you to do is\u2014hear her. Hear her heart, hear her empty womb, and stop trying to make your children be enough for her. Let her <em>grieve<\/em> that empty womb.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Join her in the grieving process.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That's right. You don't understand that grieving process because you didn't have an emptiness in that area; you were able to become a dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Remember how exciting that was for you to become a dad or to find out you were going to be a dad for the first time. Focus on that and recognize she has lost that\u2014it is a <em>grief<\/em> for her. He\u2019s got to join her in that grief or, at least, have compassion for it; because if not, she's going to feel isolated from him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me step in here for just a second. We\u2019re listening to an extended portion of one of Ron Deal\u2019s podcasts, the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast conversation he\u2019s having with author and speaker, Laura Petherbridge, who co-wrote <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em> with him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think Laura is exactly right. Guys don\u2019t fully understand the loss that a woman can feel if she has not been able to be a mom. I don\u2019t know what it is. For a guy not to be a dad, there can be loss there\u2014I\u2019m not trying to minimize that\u2014but I think there is something profoundly deeper for a woman, who says, \u201cI\u2019m not a mom. I\u2019ve never had kids of my own,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s a grief there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think for a man to be saying: \u201cBut you have my kids; they\u2019re are my kids,\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t think that sometimes a man can understand that that is true, and it can be beautiful; but there is a lamenting, and a loss, and a grieving process that takes place in a woman\u2019s heart that can really be hard. I don\u2019t know why that is. I don\u2019t know what men\u2014if they can compartmentalize that\u2014but for us, as women, I think it\u2019s really, really important for a man to grieve with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The verse that comes to mind, for me, as I\u2019m listening to Ron and Laura have this conversation, is 1 Peter 3, where Peter says to husbands, \u201cLive with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d Dave, for us to do that as guys, we have to understand that how you feel about something should not be minimized or dismissed. You shouldn\u2019t say, \u201cThat\u2019s not that big a deal.\u201d No; you need to step in and say, \u201cI know this is hard for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes. It\u2019s the \u201cwalk a mile in their shoes\u201d type idea. It\u2019s interesting\u2014I just preached this year, on Mother\u2019s Day, on Hannah. I said in that sermon\u2014I\u2019m looking at my notes\u2014I said, \u201cMoms carry a burden that we cannot see.\u201d I can\u2019t tell you the number of moms that came up and said, \u201cThank you for speaking, out loud, the weight I carry, as a mom,\u201d\u2014some wanting to be a mom and can\u2019t; and yet, it is an unbelievable burden. That\u2019s what we\u2019re addressing today. It\u2019s something we have to speak out and understand.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want our listeners to hear another excerpt from the podcast. Again, this is the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, Episode 16, Ron Deal talking with Laura Petherbridge. Laura\u2019s story, is an interesting story. She had a very difficult childhood and, as a result, she was child-free\u2014not childless\u2014but child-free. She said that is a different approach\/a different way of thinking and needs to be understood differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let's talk a little bit about the child-free stepmom. Some just haven't maybe had a chance to have a child\u2014maybe she's young, just hasn't been married and hasn't had an opportunity to have a child yet. But there are others, who are choosing not to have a child\u2014they\u2019ve made a choice to do that. That's been your story; correct?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes, that's correct. I grew up\u2014I had a very painful childhood. That's not uncommon for women, that have had a painful childhood, that they sometimes they either go in one direction or the other; they either don't want any children or they want lots of children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo for me, I was pretty young when I decided, \u201cI don't want to bring a child into the world,\u201d\u2014not because I didn't think I would be a good mother\u2014but because, to me, the world was painful; so I didn't want to do that to somebody I love. Now, again, I was young; I was in a lot of pain. God hadn\u2019t healed a lot of things in my heart yet. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, when I married Steve and he had two sons, I knew what it was to be in a stepfamily because my dad had remarried twice after the divorce with my mom. Then the reason I didn't want to have a child was coupled with I don't want to bring a baby into the stepfamily dynamic. It's not because I don't love my husband; it's not because I don't think I would be a good mom. I don't want a child to have to experience siblings\/half siblings that come and go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI knew what it was to have my dad add an \u201cours\u201d baby in his second marriage. You automatically feel like: \u201cOh, he\u2019s got a new baby. He probably doesn't love <em>me<\/em> as much now. How am I going to compete?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, jealousy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, being pushed out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCouple of quotes that you shared on your blog from child-free stepmoms: \u201cI'm childless by choice, and I wonder what my future will look like when I get older and frail. I have no kids of my own to take care of me, and I'm doubtful his kids will help.\u201d I think that's a very real concern for stepmom\/stepparents of all kinds, but stepmoms in particular. Yes, you're childless by choice and, yet, there is some implication for what happens in your future.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Absolutely; and the older you get, the more that phrase rings true. I'm 63; my husband is 72. The chance of him dying before me is statistically greater, so it does cross my mind. I do think of those things that any woman would think of: \u201cWho is going to take care of me when my husband dies?\u201d or \u201cWhat will my life be like?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's a very real aspect of a childless woman\u2019s life. Most statistics will show\u2014I've read several financial articles\u2014about kids, who feel obligated to take care of their parents; most stepkids do not feel obligated. They don't feel it's their responsibility. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014at least, not to the same degree as to their biological parent; it\u2019s true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>You know what? I\u2019ve had two stepmoms; I totally see where that way of thinking would be accurate. \u201cI've got my own mother to take care of; I'm not going to be taking care of two mothers or three mothers\u201d; you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> So I get that. If I let it, that would paralyze me with fear; but I have chosen not to. I have to pray about that when that little bit of fear pops back up. God has been so faithful to me throughout my life that I have that history to look back on and trust Him with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't expect my stepkids; if they do it, great; but I don't have that expectation that they will step up. Now, I'm fairly close with my two grandkids. Both of Steve\u2019s sons each have a child. I am close with his kids\u2014I am \u201cNona\u201d to them; I am not \u201cStep-Nona\u201d\u2014so it's possible\/it is possible that the grandkids will be my extended family when I get older. But again, that\u2019s in God's hands; I can't control that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Boy, that\u2019s interesting. We\u2019ve been listening to a segment\/a second segment from a conversation Ron Deal had with author and speaker, Laura Petherbridge, as a part of the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast. By the way, there\u2019s a link on our website at <em>FamilyLIfeToday.com<\/em> if you want to listen to the entire podcast episode. Laura talks about how a stepmom, who is a childless stepmom, can often feel like a maid or a chauffeur and not a real part of the family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you stop and think about extended family, and about death, and about \u201cWhat is the relationship between stepkids and their stepparents, once the bio-mom or dad is gone?\u201d It\u2019s not just a question of: \u201cWhat\u2019s the right thing to do in that situation?\u201d but there\u2019s the emotional sense of: \u201cAm I a loved person if my stepkids aren\u2019t entering into and engaging in this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDave, I\u2019m looking at you; because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Bob, I\u2019m listening to Laura; and I\u2019m that stepson. Yes, I feel different about my bio-mom and my stepmom. It shouldn\u2019t be that way; it\u2019s different; it just is\u2014and that\u2019s what she is addressing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI love her [Laura\u2019s] perspective: \u201cI\u2019m not going trust in my kids to be my source of peace, really; I\u2019m going to trust God.\u201d That\u2019s true for all of us. It\u2019s not just a stepmom or not\u2014it\u2019s all of us have to, at the end of the day, say, \u201cMy life, my happiness, my peace is not going to come from children, or from parents, or from a spouse; it ultimately comes from God.\u201d She\u2019s wise in that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We can\u2019t allow our identity\u2014whether it\u2019s as a stepmom or a stepdad\u2014our worth as a human being to be wrapped up in how somebody else decides to relate to us at any point in life. We have to have our identity anchored and rooted in who we are, as a child of God, and in the extended family that all of us are a part of and that\u2019s the family of God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf your stepkids, now that their bio-mom or dad is gone, if they don\u2019t have as much interaction with you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014it doesn\u2019t mean you aren\u2019t dearly loved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and it doesn\u2019t mean that you are without a family. Because, in the family of God, you\u2019ve got brothers and sisters and others who can pour into you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope our listeners will listen to the entire podcast that features Ron and Laura. One of the things they talk about, in the extended version of the podcast, is what a stepmom can do when the biological mom is poisoning the kids against the new stepmom. You can go to our website, <em>FamilyLifeToday.com<\/em>, to find out more about the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast. Subscribe to the podcast or listen to this particular episode. Again, all the details are available at <em>FamilyIfeToday.com.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have copies of the book that Ron and Laura wrote together, called <em>The Smart Stepmom<\/em>. You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal has also just released a new book on stepfamily financial planning. There are a lot of financial issues that factor into forming a stepfamily. Ron, along with co-authors, Greg Pettys and David Edwards have addressed these issues in <em>The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning<\/em>. We have that book on our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for information on all the resources we have available. Or call if you\u2019d like to order books: 1-800- FL-TODAY is our number\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got a big weekend going on this weekend for couples attending FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>marriage getaways. We\u2019ve got getaways happening this weekend in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Louisville, Kentucky; Estes Park, Colorado; San Diego; and South Padre Island in Texas. <em>Thousands<\/em> of couples will be with us over the next 72 hours; pray for these couples if you will. Just pray that God would do a great work in their marriage this weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks to those of you who make everything we do here at FamilyLife possible. You make these getaways possible. You make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, our website, our resources, all of that happens when you donate to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. And we\u2019re grateful for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpeaking of gratitude, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. We\u2019ve got a free download right now for those of you who would like to make the most of this season of the year, helping your children understand what it means to be thankful. We\u2019ve put together our \u201cFamily Gratitude Plan.\u201d There are articles and activities\u2014things that are available for you to do during the month of November to help your kids increase their gratitude quotient. We could all use a little bit of that; couldn\u2019t we? Again, you can download \u201cTheFamily Gratitude Plan\u201d when you go to <a id=\"_Hlk22118232\">FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/a> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend this weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church over the weekend. And I hope you can join us back on Monday; Dennis and Barbara Rainey are going to join us to talk about how we can maximize the Thanksgiving holiday\u2014that\u2019s one of their passions, so I hope you can tune in to be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305483","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305483"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305483"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305483"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305483"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305483"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305483"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305483"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}