{"id":305408,"date":"2019-10-07T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-10-07T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/why-is-he-so-touchy\/"},"modified":"2019-10-07T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-10-07T10:00:04","slug":"why-is-he-so-touchy","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-is-he-so-touchy\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Is He So Touchy?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why is he so touchy?&#8221; It&#8217;s a question a lot of wives ask. Shaunti Feldhahn and Brian Goins dig into this subject and reveal how influential a wife can be as her husband grows into the man God wants him to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-10-07.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:32:13","filesize":"29.5M","filesize_raw":"30937784","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2862,2831],"tags":[2985],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3274,3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305408","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-understanding-differences","category-wives","tag-understanding-differences","cwp_profile-brian-goins","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305408\/why-is-he-so-touchy","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305408\/why-is-he-so-touchy","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"xSxF1rYrx6\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-is-he-so-touchy\/\">Why Is He So Touchy?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-is-he-so-touchy\/embed\/#?secret=xSxF1rYrx6\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Why Is He So Touchy?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"xSxF1rYrx6\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Why is he so touchy?\" It's a question a lot of wives ask. Shaunti Feldhahn and Brian Goins dig into this subject and reveal how influential a wife can be as her husband grows into the man God wants him to be.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-10-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is your husband irritable\/touchy? Shaunti Feldhahn says that may be because he\u2019s masking deep-rooted insecurities.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> When you look at that big strong husband, recognize that, <em>inside<\/em>, he is thinking: \u201cAm I any good at what I do on the outside? I don\u2019t think I know what I\u2019m doing,\u201d and \u201cI am desperately looking to the people around me\u2014even though I don\u2019t look like it; I\u2019m looking oh-so confident\u2014but I\u2019m looking to the people around me for signals as to the answer to that question.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, October 7<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Your husband needs a cheerleader. Does he have one? Shaunti Feldhahn talks more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m curious. Does Dave ever\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Never. [Laughter] I don\u2019t know what you were going to ask, Bob; but it\u2019s probably going to be negative. I\u2019m not\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Does Dave ever love and serve you well? That\u2019s what\u2014no, I\u2019m kidding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh yes; always! Always! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No, the question I was going\u2014\u201cDoes Dave ever cop an attitude?\u201d\u2014like: you bring something up, and he just kind of gets touchy\u2014that would be the word.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He really\u2014I don\u2019t think he has much of that <em>except<\/em> right before we get up to speak. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s <em>terrible<\/em>; all of a sudden, he\u2019s like short and snappy and like, \u201cJust do this.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, I feel great about getting up to speak with you.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did you know you do this?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Aw, yes; I did the same thing before football games in college\u2014I really did. I was the meanest little guy ever\u2014big guy; big guy\u2014I was a big guy. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When the lights are about to come on, and when it\u2019s show time, you get focused; and any distraction you get annoyed with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> There you go Bob\u2014that\u2019s what I do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There we go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you do that? You seem to be able to <em>relate<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Keith: <\/strong>[From sound booth] No, he never does that\u2014never ever. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Stop, Keith; stop. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWho told him he could open his microphone? [Laughter] You\u2019re the engineer; we\u2019re going to get that technically fixed so that that can\u2019t print today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think that might have been the Holy Spirit, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to listen today to a portion of a podcast. This is the <em>Married with Benefits<\/em> podcast that is part of the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Podcast Network\u2014Brian Goins talking with Shaunti Feldhahn about questions that wives are asking in marriage. One of those questions is: \u201cWhy does my husband cop an attitude? Why does he get touchy when I bring something up?\u201d And again, we\u2019re just going to hear a portion of the podcast; their conversation is an extended one. We thought this was an interesting dialogue and something that our listeners would be interested in hearing, so hear it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>Married with Benefits <\/em>Podcast]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Shaunti, you\u2019re married to Jeff. I\u2019m guessing, every now and then, he gets touchy about something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He is the <em>best<\/em> husband <em>ever<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right; he is a good guy. I\u2019ve hung out with him\u2014love the guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He is a great guy, but he\u2019s a guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Every woman knows what I mean by this\u2014that sometimes, our husband just gets kind of touchy about something. You\u2019re like: \u201cWhat?! What was wrong? What did I say? What did I do?\u201d I mean, just the other day\u2014I think it was two or three days ago\u2014we were in the middle of a discussion\u2014you know those discussions? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u2014lively. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; I literally was trying to process through something. He\u2019s like, \u201cLook, I can\u2019t say anything; so I\u2019m just going to shut up.\u201d [I\u2019m] like, \u201cAh!\u201d\u2014you know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes, so that\u2019s why\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You\u2019d think I would have written a book about men or something\u2014[Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right; exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014like I wouldn\u2019t do this, but I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u2014that you would know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes, which she has. Shaunti, of course, has written a number of books. How many books are you up to now? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I haven\u2019t added it up. Actually, you\u2019re going to laugh; but I haven\u2019t. It\u2019s probably 15-ish. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u201415 or so. I know that she\u2019s\u2014you\u2019ve probably have heard her from the <em>For<\/em>\u2014is it <em>For Only <\/em>series? Is that what you call it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; the <em>Only <\/em>series. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes; the <em>Only <\/em>series\u2014so, <em>For Women Only<\/em>, <em>For Men Only<\/em>, <em>For Young Women Only<\/em>, <em>For Parents Only<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> But this one\u2014the idea of being: \u201cHow do I know\u2014like that my husband\u2019s tells?\u201d It\u2019s like in poker; you know? It\u2019s like: \u201cOh, I know that guy is bluffing; so how do I\u2026\u201d What are the tells of my husband when \u2018Oh, he\u2019s being touchy about something\u2019?\u201d I think every wife could probably\u2014if we had a call-in show, they\u2019d go: \u201cOh, I know exactly. It\u2019s when my husband says this\u2014like, \u2018Fine, you just do it <em>your<\/em> way.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019ve heard that one, too; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard that one a couple times?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Every wife is nodding\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014because every woman is like, \u201cYes, been there.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> For me, it\u2019s like it comes out\u2014and I\u2019m generally a pretty patient guy, I think\u2014but I get really short. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; every wife is like: \u201cWhat?! I don\u2019t get it. It was just this little\u201d\u2014in our minds\u2014\u201cit is this little thing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s really the reality of this\u2014is that, honestly, it feels little to us; but clearly, it\u2019s not to him, or he wouldn\u2019t be upset; he wouldn\u2019t be irritated. In our minds, he wouldn\u2019t be over-sensitive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s the word we use. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s the word\u2014see, this is the word that women privately use amongst themselves: \u201cSo touchy\/so over-sensitive.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The reality is\u2014at least, what we found in the research with men\/all these different studies\u2014is, honestly, it\u2019s minor to us; and it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> to them because it\u2019s hitting a raw nerve, down deep, that we, women, don\u2019t know is there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> It seems like there\u2019s a mismatch of the importance of something\u2014like: \u201cWhy? He shouldn\u2019t be touchy about that. It\u2019s really not a big deal. I\u2019ve basically just showed him how to put the dishwasher\u2014all the dishes in right. Why wouldn\u2019t you want to do it the right way?\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Whenever I do\u2014Jeff and I do a lot of marriage conferences\u2014and I use that example sometimes\/that <em>exact<\/em> example of: \u201cOkay; so, you know, ladies, that time when he\u2019s done the dishes after dinner. He\u2019s cleaning up, and he puts the dishes away; and then you come along behind him and put the dishes in the right way.\u201d Every man in the audience starts going, \u201cOh, yeah,\u201d; and he starts nodding. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The women are like: \u201cWhat?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what we don\u2019t realize is going on\u2014is that our big strong men look so confident; and on the inside, there is a <em>lot<\/em> of self-doubt under the surface. We don\u2019t know it\u2019s there. It\u2019s essentially this deep feeling\u2014like, \u201cI want to be a great husband, but I don\u2019t know that I know what I\u2019m doing.\u201d He\u2019s looking for these signals from the people around him, especially his wife, as to whether or not he measures up. He thinks: \u201cI don\u2019t think I measure up; but if she thinks I do, then I\u2019m okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cBut if she\u2019s signaling that I didn\u2019t measure up, then, now, I\u2019m like really in trouble; because this is the woman who knows me the best in the world\u201d; you know? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We think, \u201cWhat is dishes\u2014redoing the dishing have to do with this?\u201d Here\u2019s really the bottom-line underneath that sort of emotional surface\u2014is for us, as women, the question in our hearts is kind of\u2014it is an \u201cAm I loveable?\u201d kind of question\u2014like down deep: \u201cAm I loveable? Am I special? Am I worthy of being loved for who I am on the inside?\u201d What we love\/the signal we are looking for is that he loves us\u2014that he loves us\u2014he says, \u201cI love you\u201d; he does these loving things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe don\u2019t realize that, in the heart of our husband and our son\u2014like this is most men\/not all; you know, statistically\u2014but the vast majority\u2014the question in their hearts is a <em>completely<\/em> different question. The question that he has isn\u2019t: \u201cAm I loveable?\u201d\u2014but\u2014\u201cAm I <em>able<\/em>?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And he is always concerned, in the deepest places of his heart, that someone is going to figure out he\u2019s an imposter\/he doesn\u2019t know what he\u2019s doing. Finally, I realized, as I started down this path of listening to the hearts of these men\u2014I\u2019m saying that because it wouldn\u2019t bother <em>me<\/em>\u2014and he\u2019s not me; he\u2019s wired <em>very<\/em> differently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> For us, as guys\u2014I know for me: \u201cI want to be shown that I can do things. If you\u2019re\u2014and all of a sudden, you come down and redo something I just did, you\u2019re basically saying: \u201cWhatever you just did wasn\u2019t good enough. It wasn\u2019t like I would do it, which is the right way\u201d; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Right; of course, because there is one right way to load a dishwasher. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I mean, really; come on! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHonestly, I\u2019m kind of joking; but we, as women, we kind of have to confront something that we didn\u2019t even know was there. We didn\u2019t know that\u2014with everything we\u2019re doing; everything that we\u2019re saying\u2014every interaction with him, we are either\u2014because it\u2019s not because of us; it\u2019s because of him and this question and this insecurity in the inside\u2014we are either signaling: \u201cYes, you measure up,\u201d or \u201cNo, you don\u2019t,\u201d\u2014one of those two things. You know, we love our husbands; we care about them; we don\u2019t want to <em>trigger<\/em> that feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe thing that a man most wants and <em>needs<\/em>, as a result of this doubt\u2014what I heard from all of these men\/saw it on the surveys\u2014is they most need to know that their wife\/the most important person in his life: that she appreciates him, that she <em>does<\/em> believe in him, that she <em>does<\/em> respect him; she <em>does<\/em> admire him; she does <em>trust<\/em> him. All of those things that say, \u201cYou\u2019re good at what you do on the outside.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> If he doesn\u2019t feel that way\u2014whether it\u2019s sort of systemically or just in that moment\u2014what we found is that there is usually one or both of two responses. The guy gets angry, or he withdraws, or both; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s a signal of a guy feeling this sense of total, complete inadequacy. We don\u2019t realize, as a woman, that that is his most <em>painful<\/em> feeling\u2014that that truly is like: \u201cJust kill me now. This is <em>horrible<\/em>.\u201d None of us, as wives, want our men to feel that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I mean, we care about our husbands. We just think\u2014we kind of have this: \u201cHe\u2019s just has this little minor thing. He needs to get over it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cWhat\u2019s the big deal?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMen feel that insecurity when it comes to competence about certain issues or doing something the right way. Do you feel like there is a same\/similar feeling that women would have about an insecurity? What I don\u2019t hear you saying is\u2014like,\u00a0 \u201cWhen do women get touchy?\u201d\u2014to know that: \u201cHey, this\u2014how men feel here\u2014is how we feel over here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, you know, imagine your husband saying: \u201cSo, honey, why are you getting so angry? I just said you needed to lose ten pounds.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Ooh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Seriously, there are so many men, who are like: \u201cOf course, I think she\u2019s beautiful. All I did was tell her she needs to lose ten pounds. Why is that making her so upset?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u201cIt\u2019s great to work out. You should work out every now and then.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes, I mean\u2014you know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s an example of\u2014because it\u2019s our nerve\/our question: \u201cAm I beautiful?\u201d; right?\u2014we <em>really<\/em> don\u2019t believe that. So, when he pulls away during an argument\u2014I mean, ladies, think about how you feel when you\u2019re in the middle of one of those discussions over breakfast\u2014it\u2019s emotional\u2014he\u2019s upset with you, and you\u2019re both kind of emotional. He\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019ve got to go to work\u201d; and he gets in the car and drives away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens in your heart? Is it: \u201cOh, it\u2019s just minor. It\u2019s no big deal\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Or is there this \u201cUh,\u201d\u2014like: \u201cAre we okay?\u201d kind of feeling. Most women say, statistically, it\u2019s like this has risen into this sort of conscious thing, that\u2019s there in your heart, kind of going, \u201cUh, nothing is right with the world until that\u2019s resolved.\u201d You wouldn\u2019t want your husband to go: \u201cGet over it,\u201d\u2014like, \u201cWhy are you so\u2014why are you clingy?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> You would want to be reassured: \u201cI love you. I\u2019m sorry. I didn\u2019t mean to say those things.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLook, what you want is\u2014before he leaves, when he\u2019s upset\u2014to say, \u201cLook, I\u2019m angry. I need space; but listen, we\u2019re okay. We\u2019ll talk about this when I get back from work.\u201d Why is that such a big relief? It\u2019s because he\u2019s reassured you in your area of insecurity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> And with a guy, here\u2019s how you reassure him in his area of insecurity\u2014when he does the dishes, and they are all in different spots than you would do it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014you say: \u201cOh, thanks so much, honey, for doing the dishes. I really appreciate it while I was being with the kids. Really, you\u2019re awesome,\u201d\u2014and absolutely nothing about what you <em>wish<\/em> he would have changed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Even though, inside, you\u2019re dying\u2014you\u2019re going: \u201cThose bowls will never get cleaned\u2014facing that way, it\u2019s not going to happen. [Laughter] The cereal that\u2019s stuck on there\u2014I\u2019m going to have to clean that off.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m going to have to chip it off.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right; \u201c\u2026chip it off.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Well, there are some women\u2014I promise you; there are women listening to this\u2014because I used to be one of them\u2014who are getting their head wag on and are like: \u201cAre you kidding me?!\u201d\u2014like: \u201cI can\u2019t say anything?! What?! I have no rights here?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cWhat? He just needs to get over it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI started asking guys\u2014like: \u201cCome on. If the dishes do have to get done correctly, what do we do?\u201d I heard consistently two things from the guys\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Okay? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014about\u2014some of them actually called it this, and I started looking into it. We call it the Next-Day Rule.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> The Next-Day Rule? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> The Next-Day Rule\u2014there are two parts to the Next-Day Rule. Ladies, honestly, if you will start thinking this through and watching for opportunities for this, honestly, this one thing can be a <em>huge<\/em> improvement in your marriage; because you avoid the touchiness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>The first part of the Next-Day Rule is you ask yourself: \u201cOkay; here is this thing I want to change. I want to come along behind him,\u201d or \u201cI want to question his judgment about something right in the moment.\u201d Ask yourself, \u201cIs this thing going to matter the next day?\u201d If it\u2019s going to matter <em>enough<\/em> that it may be worth hurting your husband\u2019s feelings\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014then mention it; right? If it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> going to matter enough\u2014that it\u2019s not worth having that kind of soul-shredding feeling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014then, maybe, don\u2019t mention it. Yes, the kids may have been taken out in the snow without their gloves. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He\u2019s all excited because he\u2019s been outside playing snowballs with the kids and being a great dad. Is it worth it to say, \u201cWhy did you not put gloves on them?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Is it worth it?\u2014knowing that he is high from his triumph of being a <em>great<\/em> dad, out there, playing snowballs with the kids. Is it worth it to kind of sink that feeling; okay? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf it is, then mention it; if it\u2019s not, then not: \u201cLike, honey, thanks for dressing them for school; but you know what? You didn\u2019t realize there is a special uniform that they are supposed to wear today. They are supposed to each have a blue shirt on, because they are going to have class pictures\u201d; you know? \u201cYou might have forgotten.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> That\u2019s an example of: \u201cThat\u2019s worth it. You don\u2019t want your kids to be the only ones to show up in normal wear when they are all supposed to wear blue t-shirts or whatever.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u201cIs it worth it?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a great question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cIs it worth it?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s the first thing you\u2019re supposed to ask. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Next-Day Rule: \u201cIs it going to matter the next day? Is it worth it to hurt his feelings?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second part of the Next-Day Rule is: \u201cIf possible, mention it the next day\u2014if it\u2019s important enough that it\u2019s going to matter, and it\u2019s not super-time sensitive\u2014like the blue shirts for the kids going to school that minute\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014then mention it the next day\u2014like, \u201cYou know, honey, thank you so much again for doing the dishes. That was awesome. I\u2019m so glad. You know what? I thought you\u2019d want to know. I looked at how the water jets hit the dishes, and they actually hit it from the right instead of from below,\u201d\u2014or whatever it is you\u2019ve discovered\u2014\u201cso I thought you\u2019d want to know.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> And if you could use the word, \u201cschematic\u201d: [Laughter] \u201cI pulled up the schematic for the jets on the dishwasher,\u201d\u2014that would get him. \u201cOh, really? I haven\u2019t looked at the schematics, but I kind of want to.\u201d If you could use that word anytime\u2014schematic\u2014you\u2019ve got your guy\u2019s attention. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014along with quantum physics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes, quantum\u2014yes; exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; exactly: \u201cThe numbers prove\u2026.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right; right. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014whatever it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Anything like, \u201cIf I\u2019m not knowing\u2014I want to be in the know now,\u201d\u2014so\u2014\u201cOh, the jets point that way; that\u2019s interesting.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> But you have given him his triumph. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Do you agree that\u2014because a lot of women are sitting here, listening, saying, \u201cThis sounds kind of patronizing,\u201d\u2014you know: \u201cCome on! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cYou know, my husband is more secure than that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Exactly; he\u2019s not. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> He\u2019s not. It\u2019s amazing how easily offended I can be. A mentor friend of mine said that: \u201cHey, as a man, I always feel insecure\u2014not just insecure\u2014but desperately insecure.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe don\u2019t come across that way; we don\u2019t <em>project<\/em> that; but inside, when a comment is made\u2014here\u2019s one example that I\u2019ve seen, a lot, with couples. A guy is telling a story, and he is fabricating some of the details; right? [Laughter] He\u2019s trying to build it up and make this\u2014I mean, let\u2019s not let the truth get in the way of a great story. As guys, that\u2019s kind of our mantra. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I think Tony Campolo once said, \u201cIt should have happened that way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u201cIt should\u201d\u2014exactly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cIt should have happened that way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> And you see the wife going: \u201cNo, it wasn\u2019t four people; there were three people there,\u201d \u201cNo, no, no, no, no; it wasn\u2019t a right turn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Oh my! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u201cIt was a left turn.\u201d The guy is sitting there, feeling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> I\u2019ve probably done this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> \u2014like an idiot. It\u2019s true; it\u2019s true, but is it spoken in love? Probably not, because she\u2019s not caring about what\u2019s going on in his heart; and at some point, some guy goes, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just tell the story?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> Yes; well, that\u2019s that: \u201cNothing I do is every good enough for you\u201d; right? So many of us, as women, have heard that phrase and had <em>no idea<\/em> what the guy was talking about\/no idea what our husband was talking about; right? We don\u2019t think of it that way. We don\u2019t realize you guys do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> We don\u2019t realize that, for you, again, it is: \u201cLadies, get this into your heads\/into your hearts.\u201d This is something I\u2019ve had to wrestle with for years. \u201cWhen you look at that big strong husband\/next time you look at that big strong husband\u2014next time you talk to him\u2014recognize that, inside, he is thinking: \u201cAm I any good at what I do on the outside? I don\u2019t think I know what I\u2019m doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cI am desperately looking to the people around me\u2014even though I don\u2019t look like it, and I\u2019m looking oh so confident\u2014but I am looking to the people around me for signals as to the answer to that question. If the heart-cry of a woman is: \u2018Am I loveable?\u2019 the heart cry of a man is: \u2018Do I measure up?\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> He really, sincerely doubts it. Honestly, I mean, let\u2019s just\u2014if we can get all theological for a second. It\u2019s really\u2014honestly, it traces back to the curse; right? I mean if you look at how God said: \u201cAdam, here is what life is going to feel like for you. You\u2019re <em>always<\/em> going to feel like you are toiling the ground by the sweat of your brow, and you\u2019re <em>never<\/em> going to get there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u201cYou\u2019re going to always feel like the thorns and the thistles are rising up against you. No matter what you do, you\u2019re <em>never<\/em> going to feel like you\u2019re going to get there.\u201d That is the heart of our big strong man. There is a tenderness inside\/a vulnerability\u2014a self-doubt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat a <em>precious<\/em> opportunity we, as women, have to steward that self-doubt, and speak to it, and build them up in the same way that\u2014once he knows we have our self-doubt\/our vulnerability, we want him to tenderly steward that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti:<\/strong> \u2014and speak to that and reassure that as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, again, we\u2019ve been listening to an excerpt from the <em>Married with Benefits<\/em> podcast\u2014Brian Goins and Shaunti Feldhahn talking about questions that wives are asking about marriage; and this question: \u201cWhy is my husband so touchy?\u201d The truth is we both get touchy with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is not a one-way kind of scenario. But I do think it takes wives by surprise, sometimes, when they ask what they thought was an innocent question, and they get a flash back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I think for me, to learn to go deeper into: \u201cWhy did Dave respond like that?\u201d That\u2019s the big question; I think that\u2019s what they dealt with as it goes way deeper into insecurities.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And Shaunti did such a great job just illustrating that. I\u2019ve said this many times: \u201cMen are like little boys. When somebody critiques us, it gets at the core of disrespect, so anger often happens.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why I do it; I feel disrespected. I never even knew it\u2014I just blew up, or got touchy, or responded. Boy, oh boy, you start to look inside your soul; and you\u2019re like, \u201cWow, I <em>long<\/em>\u201d\u2014I didn\u2019t want to say this out loud\u2014\u201cbut I longed to be respected, especially from the woman that I loved the most in the world\u2014my wife.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We really saw this with our sons as well, because they would respond in anger or be touchy. That same thing: \u201cWhoa! What\u2019s really at the heart of this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I think it\u2019s good for both of us to remember that what\u2019s at the heart of it often is not <em>us<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s not about us\u2014it\u2019s about something inside of them. It could be about something that happened earlier in the day. It could be about something that goes back to your relationship that you had with your mom or with your own dad, and things are being triggered. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause I know for me\u2014I\u2019ll see how Mary Ann responds to something; and I\u2019m instantly thinking: \u201cWhat did I do? What did I say?\u201d I have to pull back and go: \u201cThis may not be about me. This may be about something deeper than me.\u201d Now, the question is not: \u201cHow do I get defensive?\u201d but \u201cHow do I love her in the midst of whatever set off that flare in her life?\u201d I think that\u2019s true for both husbands and wives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019d like to hear the entire conversation that Brian and Shaunti had on this subject,\u00a0 you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and listen to this particular episode of the <em>Married with Benefits<\/em> podcast; or subscribe to the podcast. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have information about Shaunti\u2019s book, <em>For Women Only,<\/em> where she talks about why respect means more to your husband than love and how he feels, deep inside, about his role as a husband and as a provider. Again, the book is called <em>For Women Only<\/em>, and we\u2019ve got copies of it in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mentioned the podcast that Brian and Shaunti do. This is just one of three new podcasts we have added this year. It\u2019s a part of our commitment to continue to provide you with practical biblical help and hope for your marriage\/for your family. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on the FamilyLife Podcast Network and find out all that\u2019s available to you via podcasts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal, here, at FamilyLife is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families will change the world one home at a time. You are part of that mission, especially those of you who help make that mission possible by supporting the work we do at FamilyLife. Every time you make a donation, you help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about how important moms are and about the eternal mark a mom leaves on the lives of her children. Linda Weber joins us to talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305408","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305408"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305408"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305408"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305408"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305408"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305408"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305408"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}