{"id":305380,"date":"2019-09-27T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-09-27T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/you-god-and-your-marriage\/"},"modified":"2019-09-27T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-09-27T10:00:04","slug":"you-god-and-your-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/you-god-and-your-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"You, God, and Your Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Nina Roesner reflects on a wife&#8217;s need to be right and to be known. Instead of trying to control a situation, Roesner encourages wives to walk through each situation with their husbands without criticizing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-27.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:30:37","filesize":"28.03M","filesize_raw":"29393106","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2831],"tags":[6744,4019,5983,6702,5999,6742,4730,4113],"podcast_series":[8304],"cwp_profile":[3401],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305380","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-wives","tag-being-critical-of-your-spouse","tag-biblical-marriage","tag-christ-centered-marriage","tag-expectations-in-marriage","tag-respect-your-husband","tag-spouse-not-meeting-expectations","tag-submission","tag-vertical-marriage","podcast_series-12-truths-to-change-your-marriage","cwp_profile-nina-roesner","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305380\/you-god-and-your-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305380\/you-god-and-your-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"0waLCpmphg\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/you-god-and-your-marriage\/\">You, God, and Your Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/you-god-and-your-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=0waLCpmphg\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;You, God, and Your Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"0waLCpmphg\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Nina Roesner reflects on a wife's need to be right and to be known. Instead of trying to control a situation, Roesner encourages wives to walk through each situation with their husbands without criticizing.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-27.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, September 27<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. How can a wife be her husband\u2019s ally and not attempt to control every decision he makes? We\u2019re going to talk with Nina Roesner about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I may have said this before, but\u2014and this could get me in trouble again\u2014but I just need to test this hypothesis, because it just keeps coming back to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, boy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I believe that the besetting sin for most men\u2014kind of our dominate life sin for most of us\u2014is passivity. You\u2019d agree with that; wouldn\u2019t you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would agree with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean some guys, instead of being passive, they are hyper-aggressive; but for most guys, it\u2019s just kind of check out; be passive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think, for women, our sin\/our go-to sin would be that we try to control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> [Whispers] I\u2019m so glad <em>you<\/em> said that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I said it for you, Bob. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It has been my observation that women long to be safe and secure; and somewhere in their heart and mind, the idea is: \u201cFor me to be safe and secure, I need to be in control of everything in my environment. If I\u2019m not in control, I\u2019m out of control. Then I\u2019m unsafe, and I feel insecure.\u201d I do think guys may have a little more risk orientation\u2014a little more\u2014the safety and security is not as big a deal for men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI do think that, in the heart of many women, there\u2019s this idea that: \u201cI <em>must<\/em> control my environment. I must control my world. I must control everything around me in order to feel safe and secure.\u201d It takes a while before women get to a point, where they go, \u201cThat strategy doesn\u2019t work.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t even know for myself; I think that would be true for many women. I don\u2019t think, for myself, I would put those words, \u201csafe and secure\u201d\u2014that could be the underlying issue\u2014but I think there\u2019s a pride in me that says, \u201cI am going to do this, and this is <em>how<\/em> it should be done.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI know best.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cToo bad, nobody else can <em>see<\/em> the right way to do it.\u201d That\u2019s so much pride on my part. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reason we are talking about this is because this desire to be in control, which is there for a lot of women, is one of the things that is at the heart of a book that Nina Roesner has written called <em>12 Truths to Change Your Marriage: A Respect Dare Journey for Wives<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNina is back with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> It\u2019s great to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Would you say control has been an issue for you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Sure. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was going to say: \u201cWay to go, Bob! We\u2019re going to go right after her.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Wow! That\u2019s a great question; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you think it\u2019s related to safety and security for you, or is it something else? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> There is safety and security; and there\u2019s a desire to be right, and to be known, and to have things go well\u2014a little bit of Type A perfectionism thrown into that. It means, I <em>know<\/em> the right way that things should happen. The problem with that is there\u2019s probably 48 ways to do something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> The deeper my relationship has gotten with Jesus Christ, the less that that is an issue because I\u2019ve realized: \u201cOh, when I\u2019m trying to control, I\u2019m\u2014oh, I\u2019m the source of control. Wait; that\u2019s God\u2019s job. Oops, I\u2019m sitting on the throne again,\u201d\u2014yes, which is what you were saying earlier about pride. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had this situation, not long ago, where it was an unusual situation. I was in the passenger seat of our vehicle; Mary Ann was driving. We approached an intersection. She turned on her blinker to turn right: \u201cThat\u2019s not how I\u2019d go,\u201d to get to where we were going. \u201cYou go straight, and you turn right up here. You don\u2019t turn right here; it is <em>longer<\/em> to go this way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe turned right, and it dawned on me\u2014before I said, \u201cThis is the wrong way to go,\u201d\u2014it dawned on me: \u201cHuh, this is how she chooses to go. This is a different way to go.\u201d I\u2019m doing the math in my head. I can show her, on a map,\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But you didn\u2019t say anything to her? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I did not say anything to her. The reason I didn\u2019t is because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014you\u2019ve learned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014most of the time, I\u2019m driving and we come to that intersection\u2014and for years, she\u2019s never said to me: \u201cI wish we\u2019d go that way. I like that way,\u201d\u2014she just lets me be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what we started saying to one another. There will be circumstances or situations, where I\u2019ll decide something; and she\u2019ll just look at me and go, \u201cWe are so different sometimes; you know what I mean?\u201d It\u2019s like\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s wise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cYou just made a choice that would be completely different than the choice that I would make.\u201d We\u2019ve recognized it is not a right or wrong; it\u2019s just <em>different<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlthough, I have to tell you\u2014the other day, we were driving home from church. I was on my scooter, and she was in the car. She was ahead of me, and she turned at this particular intersection\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, here we go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019re going to prove to her; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and I got home before her on the scooter, proving that my way is actually the shorter way to go. [Laughter] It\u2019s not as scenic, as she would point out to me, so there you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> There you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There is the difference. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s talk about this desire for control and how that plays into the respect issue that you are dealing with in the book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> What comes to mind right now is a situation I had with my middle son. He was working on his car, and something happened that was very upsetting to him. Some catastrophic failure occurred, which could not be repaired; and he got very emotional about it. Things were thrown, and words were said. I\u2019m just standing there and I\u2019m like, \u201cHow can I love him well in this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTen years ago, as a mom, I would have probably been: \u201cOh, yes; let\u2019s talk about how you\u2019re feeling,\u201d \u201cOh, this is\u2026.\u201d \u201cHere, we can make it better; here\u2019s how to fix\u201d\u2014I would try to fix it; right? Instead, I was just with him\u2014just with him in his angst\/in his emotion\u2014and all of that. When he was done with all of that, he looked at me and he goes, \u201cYou didn\u2019t do anything.\u201d I said, \u201cYes; did you want me to?\u201d He said, \u201cNo; not at all.\u201d I said, \u201cAre you okay?\u201d He goes, \u201cYes; I am!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA year later, he brings this incident up; and he says to me: \u201cYou let me do that, and I didn\u2019t get any judgment. It wasn\u2019t even about you.\u201d I felt amazed and astonished that simple thing had even happened and that he even noticed it; but\u2014and I think this happens all the time. We have these opportunities, every single day, just to be <em>with<\/em> someone instead of trying to fix them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we try to fix someone\/fix their situation, what we are communicating\u2014and this is disrespect\u2014what we are communicating is: \u201cI don\u2019t think you can handle this. So, let me show you how it needs to be done. Let me show you.\u201d With kids, especially, what you are communicating is: \u201cI don\u2019t think you\u2019re capable of figuring this out.\u201d Even if they are doing it wrong\/even if we know better, they still need to learn some things by experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014especially teenagers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Exactly; because they are trying to separate. We need them to not live in our basements when they are 25. That\u2019s kind of a goal; right? It\u2019s to have them be independent, make decisions on their own, and all of that. We cripple them when we communicate that they can\u2019t handle these things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What does it look like to be <em>with<\/em> someone when they are angry or they are going through something? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> It can look like the behaviors that we want when we are trying to be a good listener; right? But it\u2019s a whole different experience when we are actually with them, and we\u2019re listening with our heart, because\u2014and we\u2019re fully present, and we\u2019re not owning what they\u2019re going through. We\u2019re not taking responsibility for their feelings. We\u2019re simply present with them as they go through whatever they are going through. We don\u2019t have a desire to change that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe recognition is that: \u201cOh, this person is really hurting,\u201d or \u201cThey\u2019re angry,\u201d\u2014even when it\u2019s at us. I mean, seriously\u2014this is when you start to know, \u201cOh, I\u2019m kind of getting this,\u201d\u2014when there is a bunch of \u201cyou\u201d language launched at you: \u201cYou didn\u2019t do this,\u201d and \u201cYou didn\u2019t do that,\u201d \u201cYou didn\u2019t do this,\u201d\u2014those words hurt; they are accusations. When we can sit with that with somebody, that\u2019s when we know that God is really working in our hearts. We\u2019re able to sit and listen, and then we ask the person: \u201cHow are you? What\u2019s going on?\u201d You\u2019re curious; you want to interact with them. You\u2019re exploring, and you\u2019re validating their feelings versus arguing and saying, \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t feel that way.\u201d If we ever say that to somebody else\u2014you want defensiveness?\u2014that\u2019s how you create it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; there it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> There you go! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know that, as a man, when Ann is with me, all I can tell you is it feels like respect; because, for years in our marriage\u2014and we\u2019ve talked about this\/we\u2019ve written about it\u2014it was like she was telling me\u2014it was back where we started, Bob; it was the control thing: \u201cHere\u2019s how you should parent the kids\u2026\u201d \u201cHere\u2019s how you should lead them spiritually\u2026\u201d It felt disrespectful; I didn\u2019t even have a word for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> All I knew was I got angry or I withdrew, which are symptoms of a man feeling disrespected; right? Then she changed\u2014and again, not overnight\u2014but started being with me and not critiquing, being with me and applauding, being with me and affirming. I\u2019m like: \u201cWow. This feels <em>great<\/em>. I want to be with this woman.\u201d I realized later it was\u2014it felt like respect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think, before, I had the attitude of like, \u201cOh, let me help you to be better.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Right; and that puts us in the judgment seat\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> \u2014which is sin on our part. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> We\u2019re pointing fingers; we\u2019re blaming; we\u2019re accusing; we\u2019re doing all these things that really destroys relationship; because who wants that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know if women feel the same way; but I think for most guys\u2014and Dave, you\u2019re a natural athlete\u2014so, it may be that there\u2019s not a sport that you\u2019ve tried, where you go, \u201cYes; that\u2019s\u2014I\u2019m not really good at that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014like curling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; we\u2019ll take that! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m not real good at that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if you go out and do that a few times\u2014and you go, \u201cI\u2019m not naturally good at this,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re probably not, next weekend, going to say, \u201cI\u2019m going to try that again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s not fun to do things that we\u2019re not good at. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Exactly; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to gravitate toward those things where we do have some skill\/some aptitude. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, if your wife is along\u2014and she\u2019s pointing out to you all the ways you\u2019re not good at something\u2014then you\u2019re going to say, \u201cWell, I don\u2019t want to keep doing this if I\u2019m not good at it.\u201d Who wants to keep playing something where they fail all the time; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if your wife is along, going: \u201cYou know, you\u2019ve got some potential here. I mean, you\u2019ve got some natural aptitude here,\u201d\u2014that changes the whole dynamic from \u201cYou\u2019re not good at this,\u201d to \u201cYou could, maybe, be something here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> The word that pops into my head is encouraged; you know? When you are given respect, you are encouraged. There is more courage inside of you to go do the next thing; you\u2019ll try again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I just talked to a young man, who said, \u201cI don\u2019t think women cannot control.\u201d He said, \u201cI think it takes an act of God for them to see, because they don\u2019t even realize they are doing it.\u201d Do you think that is true? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; we are blind. We are blind as can be in that area. We think we\u2019re helping; but really, we\u2019re manipulating and controlling because we have an agenda and an outcome that we are looking for. Anytime we have that going on, what we\u2019re saying is that <em>we<\/em> know what\u2019s right, and we\u2019ve closed the door on what God might do. There\u2019s no open opportunity for something different. We\u2019ve decided we\u2019re the source of truth; and we\u2019re back up on the throne again, which is not our place. It inhibits what God is going to do in our marriages and in our families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So, how do you encourage women in being able to see the truth of your statement? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; so, on your face; right?\u2014humble yourself. Confess that this is in you. He [God] will point it out when you start doing it again, and again, and again. You\u2019ll do this over and over throughout your whole life. You struggle with it when your kids are sick\u2014you want to protect, and you overprotect. We struggle with this stuff over our entire lifetime. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if we have zero awareness of it, then we\u2019re really damaging the relationships that we have with people. A good way to make sure that our husband and our kids don\u2019t ever ask us for advice, and don\u2019t ever want to spend time with us, is to make sure we give advice and we tell them what to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Nina, how did you get from \u201cI think I married the wrong person,\u201d to where you are today? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> I have not done this myself; this is what God has done in my life. I went from being a stressed-out, vigilant, hyper-controlling, got-to-have-this-goal, agenda-driven person to: \u201cOkay; God, what are we doing?\u201d\u2014so He\u2019s really in control of my life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, I\u2019ve got stuff on my agenda; but He\u2019s my first thought. He wants us to have relationship with Him. I mean, He sent Jesus to die for us\/to pay for our sins so that we could have relationship with Him\u2014we were so separated. Then I have the interaction with the Lord that enables me to be present in a moment and listen to His voice instead of my flesh or that other guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What you\u2019re describing\u2014what came to mind, immediately, for me is \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGalatians 5:16, which says, \u201cWalk by the Spirit.\u201d Walking by the Spirit is getting your life in sync with what God is doing and walking in that direction; but it goes on to say, \u201cWalk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are the two things that are at odds here: \u201cWhat is the Spirit\/what does God want me to do today?\u201d versus \u201cWhat are my appetites saying?\u201d \u201cWhat are my desires saying?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s <em>my<\/em> agenda for this day?\u201d If you\u2019re not walking by the Spirit, then you\u2019re going to follow the desires of the flesh; and those will lead you in a bad direction. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not bad, as you said, to have an agenda\/to have plans; but to start off by saying: \u201cHere\u2019s what\u2019s on my to-do list; but Lord, what\u2019s on Your to-do list today? What is it that You want me to accomplish?\u201d or \u201cHow can I, in the midst of what I\u2019m doing, be aware of Your presence and be sensitive to Your agenda?\u201d\u2014so that it\u2019s: Getting the laundry done is less critical than loving the kids in the middle of the day,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and \u201cMaking sure that I\u2019ve connected with my husband, relationally, rather than making sure my to-do list is complete.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I love how Paul wrote the word, \u201cwalk in the Spirit\u201d not \u201cstep.\u201d For me, it isn\u2019t just get up and start with God, which is so critical. It\u2019s like: \u201cWhat about all day? I\u2019ve got to keep a walk.\u201d I mean, when I\u2019m driving in my car, I\u2019ve got vertical music going\u2014it\u2019s like helping my mind worship God. What am I filling my mind with?\u2014it\u2019s this continual walk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo much of what we\u2019ve talked about today is for wives to respect their men; and I was going, \u201cEverything you ladies said applies to men loving and respecting our [wife] as well.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would challenge every man and every woman to start on your knees. What would that look like to walk with Jesus and then live that out to be with your wife? We talked about wives being with their husbands\u2014same thing. If I was with Ann in her life, she would feel loved and respected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And can we just say that this is where your heart and mind has to be saturated with the Word of God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so funny you went to Galatians. I thought of Psalm 5\u2014it starts with David saying: \u201cListen to my words, Lord. Consider my lament. Hear my cry for help, my King and my God. For to You, I pray. In the morning, Lord, You hear my voice. In the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait expectantly.\u201d I like that too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEven\u2014I think of young moms, who may not be able to get out their Bible, and they may not be able to spend this time with God; but before you pick up a phone and start looking at social media\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014of any kind, say: \u201cGod, I give You my day today. Help me to hear You and walk with You all day long. I surrender it to You,\u201d\u2014could be the most important thing you do all day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; it really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was at home, making marinara\u2014and this is a couple of years ago\u2014but it was just such an impactful thing. My husband was in the kitchen too. He is cooking something, and I\u2019m cooking. I got a text from this horse person that I needed to schedule something with. I go over; I look at my phone; I come back into the kitchen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe says, \u201cWho is that?\u201d I said, \u201cWell, it was Hank, the horse guy.\u201d He says, \u201cOh,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s this look. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOkay? Wait.\u201d He said, \u201cSo, I didn\u2019t know you had a texting relationship.\u201d I\u2019m offended\u2014like, just hot right then. I was quiet in that moment, and I was listening. I was like, \u201cLord, I\u2019m feeling really upset,\u201d\u2014and that goes back to what David was saying in that psalm\u2014I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat is this with me?\u201d I said: \u201cI need to go upstairs for a few minutes. I\u2019ll be back.\u201d I left the kitchen because, if I had stayed, there ain\u2019t nothing pretty going to happen there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was great self-control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> That\u2019s one of the fruit of the Spirit. Yes; that was <em>nothing<\/em> I was doing\u2014I assure you\u2014because I\u2019ve had experience, where it has gone the other way\u2014right?\u2014you know?\u2014and done the wrong thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that moment, I went upstairs. I was just like: \u201cLord, what is this in me that is so defensive? I know what\u2019s true here! What\u2019s going on?\u201d I just sat with Him, and I listened. Then I emerged from that different. I went downstairs; I put my hand on my husband\u2019s shoulder\u2014I said, \u201cCan we go outside and talk for a second?\u201d I said: \u201cSo, this happened in the kitchen and the texting relationship thing. Tell me more about that. How does that make you feel?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe said: \u201cYou know what? That is just my own junk. I\u2019ve been travelling. We\u2019ve been in Montana. We\u2019ve been caring for my mom, and we haven\u2019t seen each other much. I just miss you.\u201d I said, \u201cYou know what? I miss you too.\u201d It was <em>so<\/em> amazing because that\u2019s what God was showing me upstairs\u2014was that the two of us hadn\u2019t spent time together, like we usually do. We, then, spent a few minutes saying, \u201cOkay; what are we going to do to spend more time together because we need that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat conversation could have been a missed opportunity had I taken offense and received accusation and then launched a <em>defense<\/em>, verbally. Think about that cycle\u2014it happens every day in our homes, and that is what is to be avoided. Only through spending time with Jesus will His Spirit speak to us and give us that self-control. The Holy Spirit will then help us hear from God so that we can\u2014we get out of His way and we <em>love<\/em> in this world, which is what we\u2019re supposed to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Boy, I would say, if you\u2019re listening right now, and you\u2019re thinking: \u201cI want to fix my marriage\u201d; \u201cI\u2019ve got to go talk to my husband,\u201d\/\u201dI\u2019ve got to go talk to my wife,\u201d\u2014I just heard you say, \u201cNo, no, no; go talk to God first about your marriage before you talk to your husband or your wife about your marriage.\u201d Then there could be a very interesting conversation coming up. It could be really beautiful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s something I\u2019ve heard you say: \u201cIf you want to get the horizontal relationship right, make sure the vertical relationship is right.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cGo vertical.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m looking at your book, <em>12 Truths to Change Your Marriage<\/em>. You look at the Table of Contents and say, \u201cOkay, what are these truths?\u201d You would expect something that would be kind of hands-on practical\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> \u2014more practical tips. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s not that these are not practical things\u2014because they are\u2014but I just love: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTruth Number 1: \u201cWhat you really believe about God and the Bible impacts your relationships,\u201d\u2014\u201cOh, that\u2019s where we need to start with all of this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber 2: \u201cGod is someone you can have a real relationship with.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber 3: \u201cIf you follow Christ, and He is Lord of your life, but you\u2019re still a sinner and always will be; and that\u2019s okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThe more you get to know God, the more you\u2019ll see your own sin,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we\u2019re on Truth Number 5, and we\u2019re just now getting to your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because the first four have been: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to make sure your walk with God is right.\u201d That\u2019s why I appreciate the book\/I appreciate your ministry; because it\u2019s not just about: \u201cHere are practical ways that you can spice up your marriage or deal with conflict.\u201d All of that is important, but it\u2019s got to start with a framework of: \u201cHere\u2019s how you can be in sync with what God is doing in your life and in your marriage,\u201d and \u201cHere is how that will then spill out to a better relationship with your spouse.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNina, thank you for writing the book. Thanks for being here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got copies of Nina\u2019s book, <em>12 Truths to Change Your Marriage<\/em>, along with the book you wrote, <em>The Respect Dare<\/em>. We\u2019ve got that in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center as well. If listeners are interested in either or both of these books, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; and you can order them from us; or call1-800-FL-TODAY to order. Again, the two books are <em>The Respect Dare<\/em> and then <em>12 Truths to Change Your Marriage<\/em> by Nina Roesner. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to order, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we have a couple of events happening this weekend in Florida\u2014two <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaways\u2014one in Delray Beach, the other in Tampa. This is actually the beginning of the fall season for <em>Weekends to Remember<\/em>. I know a lot of you signed up over the last couple of weeks to attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, so we\u2019re excited about what\u2019s ahead for you this fall. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor the couples who are going to be joining us in Florida this weekend, would you pray for those couples? Pray that they would have a great weekend and that God would draw them closer to one another, and closer to Himself, and that they would learn how to live out their marriage in a way that honors and pleases Him\u2014that\u2019s our goal at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThanks to those of you who help make these events, and this daily radio program, and our website, and all that we do here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014you make it possible every time you make a donation to support this ongoing ministry. We\u2019re listener-supported. Without those donations, we could not do all that we do, so we\u2019re grateful for your support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can donate today, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to donate: 1-800-FL-TODAY. If you do, we\u2019d like to send you, as a thank-you gift, Dennis Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Choosing a Life That Matters<\/em>. It\u2019s our way of saying, \u201cThank you,\u201d for your partnership with us here in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We hope to hear from you. Thanks, in advance, for whatever you are able to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. I hope you can join us back on Monday when we\u2019re going to talk about what the Bible has to say about womanhood and femininity. We don\u2019t want to get into cultural stereotypes, but we want to look at: \u201cWhat does the Bible say about the differences between men and women?\u201d Abigail Dodds will join us to talk about that. I hope you can tune in as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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