{"id":305377,"date":"2019-09-26T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2019-09-26T10:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/his-word-and-your-marriage\/"},"modified":"2019-09-26T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2019-09-26T10:00:05","slug":"his-word-and-your-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/his-word-and-your-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"His Word and Your Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Nina Roesner explains what happens when a spouse loves the marriage more than they love Jesus or His Word. When Roesner&#8217;s marriage wasn&#8217;t meeting her expectations six months in, she thought she had married the wrong person. She didn&#8217;t realize the infatuation part of love wears off. Roesner tells what she learned about respect and submission.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-26.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:30:25","filesize":"27.85M","filesize_raw":"29205047","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2831],"tags":[4019,5983,6702,6743,5999,6742,4730,4113],"podcast_series":[8304],"cwp_profile":[3401],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305377","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-wives","tag-biblical-marriage","tag-christ-centered-marriage","tag-expectations-in-marriage","tag-married-the-wrong-person","tag-respect-your-husband","tag-spouse-not-meeting-expectations","tag-submission","tag-vertical-marriage","podcast_series-12-truths-to-change-your-marriage","cwp_profile-nina-roesner","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305377\/his-word-and-your-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305377\/his-word-and-your-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"W51PNY9gRU\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/his-word-and-your-marriage\/\">His Word and Your Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/his-word-and-your-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=W51PNY9gRU\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;His Word and Your Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"W51PNY9gRU\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Nina Roesner explains what happens when a spouse loves the marriage more than they love Jesus or His Word. When Roesner's marriage wasn't meeting her expectations six months in, she thought she had married the wrong person. She didn't realize the infatuation part of love wears off. Roesner tells what she learned about respect and&hellip;","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-26.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, September 26<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are some adjustments you might be able to make in your marriage that could have a significant impact on the quality of your relationship. We\u2019re going to talk with Nina Roesner today about what some of those adjustments might be. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I don\u2019t know when it was that it dawned on us; but there was some\u2014maybe, it just happened slowly over time. Mary Ann and I began to realize that there is a difference between being Christians, who are married, and being people whose lives are directed by the Bible and being married. Do you know what I\u2019m saying when I talk about that difference? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know; you\u2019ve got me confused already. [Laughter] You better clear that up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When we got married, I was thinking: \u201cBecause we both love Jesus and because we are both committed to Christ, our marriage is going to be fine. We won\u2019t have issues; we won\u2019t have problems.\u201d Then I realized it\u2019s, not just loving Jesus, but it\u2019s following His Word\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> There you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and applying His Word in your marriage. That\u2019s where the real paradigm shift starts to come, and that\u2019s where the marriage starts to work out. The fact that you both love Jesus is great; but if you\u2019re not bringing the Word to bear on your marriage relationship, you\u2019re still going to have a lot of problems. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s really true, and I feel like that was my life. I think the danger of that comes when our marriage becomes more important than Christ\u2014and our husband\u2019s love for us or perceived love for us\u2014becomes more important than Jesus\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s a bigger deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and His love for us; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the fun things we are getting to do in this new season on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is\u2014I\u2019m getting to introduce you guys to somebody that I\u2019ve known for a while, and that\u2019s the case today. Nina Roesner is joining us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Nina, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> I am so glad to be here; it\u2019s fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, Nina has been here before; we\u2019ve had conversations before. You guys have just met her for the first time, as we are sitting down here today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m excited because her book is about how to respect men, so this is going to be a good day. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He\u2019s always devouring these books, Nina. He\u2019s like: \u201cOh, did you read this?\u201d\u2014\u201cand this?\u201d\u2014\u201cand this?\u201d\u2014\u201cand this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Really? I\u2019m so sorry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I really loved your book, and I did do that. I kept highlighting and saying: \u201cAnn, how about this? How about this?\u201d I think she was getting my drift. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This book comes out of <em>your<\/em> story, and these guys don\u2019t know your story; some of our listeners don\u2019t know your story. Take us back into the history of the Roesner marriage; can you do that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; I related a lot to what you said when we opened. I was not a Christian until I attended a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. My husband and I went a couple months before we got married. And this is already public\u2014it\u2019s in one of your magazines\u2014I threw my birth control pills in the garbage at another FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>; but this time, we looked at each other and we said, \u201cWe need to live lives that reflect God\u2019s glory.\u201d So, we stopped having sex; and then we got married a couple of months later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought I was going to have this amazing experience because he was Christian; I\u2019m Christian. So, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cHe\u2019s going to behave like\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014\u201cDennis Rainey.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201c\u2026Bob Lepine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> \u2014\u201c\u2026Bob Lepine.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happened was\u2014about six months into my marriage\u2014I was working for Dale Carnegie at the time; and my boss calls me in, and my sales were tanked. He\u2019s like, \u201cWhat\u2019s up with you?\u201d I said: \u201cYou know what? I think I married the wrong person,\u201d and I burst into tears. [Laughter] I had no idea. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So, you said this to your boss? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It just came out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> I was a hot mess. I had no idea because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What did your boss say? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Well, there was this long awkward moment. [Laughter] He said something inspirational\u2014I don\u2019t even remember what it was. Then he stood up, which is the cue to \u201cGet out of my office\u201d; so I did\u2014I left. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I began a journey because I knew that I didn\u2019t know. I didn\u2019t even know that that whole twitter-pated infatuation stage of love\u2014where you\u2019re dopamine-overdosed\u2014that that wears off. I started reading and learning; and then God started dragging me, kicking and screaming, through a study on respect and submission; because that\u2019s in the Bible for wives. That was hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m in a place where we actually have a ministry, where we teach other women how to do this. It\u2019s very exciting to see what relationship with Jesus Christ will do for your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You said that the two of you had the perspective that marriage would be in alignment just because of a mutual love for Jesus; but again, until we start to see what His plan and path for our lives is\u2014and until we start to look at what the Scriptures say about how we\u2019re to live this out\u2014that\u2019s where the alignment comes from. Both of you loving Jesus\u2014I\u2019m not trying to diminish that at all; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s really important; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It is really important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But it\u2019s both of you submitting to the authority of His Word and saying, \u201cWe\u2019re going to live according to the Bible.\u201d That was kind of the turning point for you\u2014was when you recognized, \u201cWhether or not I like what the Bible says or not\u201d\u2014and there were things you didn\u2019t like; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Oh, that is so true. [Laughter] Yes; first time I heard about submission, all the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I\u2019m like: \u201cThis cannot be in here. NO!\u201d Yes; but it\u2019s there. I didn\u2019t understand it; and I thought about it differently, at first, than I do now. It\u2019s actually <em>not<\/em> what most women think it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, talk a little bit about that; because, when I was reading some of the stuff in your chapters about submission, I honestly thought: \u201cYou and my wife are very similar in terms of how you think about it. She\u2019s talked about, publicly, being angry and the same thing.\u201d Yet, your perspectives on submission were very, I thought, refreshing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, one of them\u2014you talk about is being told you couldn\u2019t tell your husband how to drive: \u201cIf he\u2019s getting lost, don\u2019t give him advice on directions\u201d\u2014like that\u2019s submission. Yet, you say, \u201cNo, that\u2019s not really submission.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So, talk about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> So\u2014and this actually happened\u2014Jim and I were on our way to visit our accountant, and he\u2019s in the fast lane because he drives fast. We\u2019re cruising down I-71 in Cincinnati, and the exit is coming up. I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay, he\u2019s like way far away from this thing\u201d; but I just read that you don\u2019t ever say anything to your husband about his driving. Then I\u2019m thinking, \u201cBut he\u2019s my friend, and he\u2019s going to be really 15-shades-of-purple ticked-off if we miss this appointment.\u201d I was struggling with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just asked him: \u201cSo, do you think it would be disrespectful if I said, \u2018Hey, that\u2019s our exit\u2019?\u201d And he crosses three lanes of traffic; you know? He pulls up, and he stops the car. He looks at me and he says, \u201cNan, if you had said to me, \u2018Dude, you\u2019re going to miss the exit <em>again<\/em>!\u2019\u201d\u2014in that tone of voice\u2014\u201cIf it had been like that, that\u2019s disrespect; but for you to not say, \u2018Hey, there\u2019s our exit,\u2019 and not help me; that\u2019s not being my friend.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This word, submission, creates a lot of different responses in women. Some are like, \u201cI <em>love<\/em> submission,\u201d and others are like: \u201cThis is the dumbest thing. What is it? Why did God say this?\u201d Take us back there: \u201cWhat is submission?\u201d and \u201cWhat is submission not?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Submission isn\u2019t so much about obeying a person. It\u2019s really about obeying Christ and <em>communicating<\/em> in a way where there is an openness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember being at the store with my husband, trying to buy dishtowels. I had just been told the submissive wife does not make decisions without her husband\u2019s approval on anything. I\u2019m standing there\u2014I\u2019ve got red dishtowels; I\u2019ve got white dishtowels. I\u2019m going: \u201cI want to buy dishtowels. I really like the red ones, but I haven\u2019t asked my husband. So, okay, fine\u2014I\u2019ll ask my husband.\u201d \u201cJim, which of these do you prefer?\u201d He looks at me and he says: \u201cI married a woman that could make a decision. Where did she go?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Wow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; so my poor husband\u2014I just feel so bad for him as I went through this stuff, trying to figure it out. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But you\u2019re trying to figure it out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014because you want to obey God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; that was completely my motivation, because I trust God with every single cell in my body. I knew that if I learned what was in the Bible\u2014which I am still\u2014hello; we\u2019ll study the Bible until we die and still not understand the Bible\u2014but if I knew more than I knew then, which was next to nothing, then I\u2019d be better at this\/that I\u2019d understand that there would be a way to find joy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHonestly, there was a lot of that time I was searching for <em>happiness<\/em>. I made my husband and my marriage an idol which, then, got in the way of my joy. The whole journey was just a hot <em>mess<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, are you saying that the whole idea of: \u201cI\u2019ll submit to my husband,\u201d was really motivated by, \u201cMaybe, if I do this, I\u2019ll get the happiness I\u2019m looking for\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Right. Initially, I submitted to God because I was trying to purchase a happy marriage. Later in that journey, I had this moment, and\u2014oh my word\u2014God woke me up at, like, four in the morning. I got up, and I went downstairs, and I pulled open the Gospels. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t remember which account I read, but I read about His death and His resurrection. I realized that He did all of that for me. If I had been the last person on the planet\/the only person, He still would have done all of that; and He needed to do all of that because of the lack of righteousness within me. It completely destroyed me\u2014it just shredded every piece of something in my soul, and I wept. I looked up and I just said, \u201cLord, whatever You want me to do, I will do. Send me; I\u2019ll go.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen I started seeing things like: \u201cGirl, you be trying to purchase happiness here. You need to get an alignment. This is not an idol. The marriage should not be an idol.\u201d \u201cOkay; well, okay; what do you do? Does that mean I don\u2019t do these things?\u201d Cultivating an actual relationship with Jesus was the catalyst to learning how to do this in a way that made the marriage healthier, honestly, and made me healthier as well. I don\u2019t pretend to be all the way there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think this is so important; I really do, because I think there are a lot of people\u2014I think I\u2019ve been in this place, where I\u2019m thinking, \u201cI will obey because it will earn me something.\u201d If that\u2019s what you\u2019re trying to do, spiritually\u2014whether it\u2019s your marriage\/your kids\u2014whatever: \u201cOkay, I\u2019m going to toe the line; because then I\u2019ve got God on the hook.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You feel like it\u2019s spiritual manipulation almost? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; exactly what it is. It\u2019s <em>you<\/em> attempting to control God through your behavior. Well, God is not a god who is controlled by human beings; right? [Laughter] So, we have to recognize, as we\u2019re in this, our motivation needs to be: \u201cLord, I\u2019ll serve You. If that brings challenge, and pain, and unhappiness; I\u2019d rather be unhappy serving You than to try to be finding phony happiness somewhere else.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I say \u201chappiness,\u201d I use that word specifically and not joy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because God promises joy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sometimes, we will have unhappy circumstances, but we can have a wellspring of joy in the midst of unhappy circumstances as long as we know we are in the Lord\u2019s will. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s inherit in the human condition; don\u2019t you think? I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever met a person\u2014<em>ever<\/em>\u2014and I know that\u2019s a strong statement\u2014that hasn\u2019t had that experience in their relationship with God that: \u201cIf I do good, I will get good.\u201d <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We are wired to perform. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, as I listened to you, Nina, I think, when young women come up to me and they say, \u201cWhat can I do to make my marriage great?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would say what you just talked about\u2014of that full surrender of knowing Jesus. When you know Him, it allows you to think, \u201cI can surrender my whole life to You because You love me; You died for me; You forgave all my sins.\u201d And when you say: \u201cI will do anything,\u201d \u201cI will go anywhere,\u201d <em>that\u2019s<\/em> the start of a great marriage. <br><br><strong>Nina:<\/strong> It really is. We need to define what a great marriage is. You and I both, Ann, work in ministry with women; right? They all say the same thing\u2014they want to purchase the happy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s what it\u2019s all about. Well, what if\u2014what if your life doesn\u2019t change\/the people around you don\u2019t change\u2014but the way that you feel, as you interact with them, is completely different because you\u2019ve gotten out of Christ\u2019s way inside of you. You\u2019re already carrying Him inside of you when you\u2019ve chosen to follow Him and call Him, \u201cLord,\u201d and you do what He tells you to do. When you are sold out for Him, then what happens is that we change. Nobody likes to hear that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we allow Christ to be in charge of who we are, and we dive into His character, and we get out of the way and let Him interact\/the Spirit within us, what we see happening is that we are okay\/we are safe. no matter what is going on around us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat is <em>really<\/em> an empowering and fulfilling place, where you have peace; you have joy. Everything can be falling apart around you, and people will ask\u2014and I love this when people ask me, \u201cHow come you\u2019re not upset?\u201d It doesn\u2019t even occur to me that I should be upset. I know, in that moment, that is not my flesh\u2014that\u2019s Jesus operating through me. It\u2019s an incredible, blessed experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And it\u2019s not a one-time decision either\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> No! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014of saying, \u201cLord, I give You this.\u201d I need to do that every day because, without Him, I start thinking: \u201cWhat about <em>me<\/em>?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cWhat about <em>my<\/em> needs?\u201d \u201cWhat about the things he\u2019s not doing?\u201d As we go to Him\u2014it doesn\u2019t mean that all just disappears\u2014it\u2019s saying, \u201cLord, I need You\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201call the time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> \u2014\u201call the time.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Nina:<\/strong> We get our identity wrapped up in the behavior of other people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Instead, we need to process our emotions with God inside of us instead of pointing fingers and blaming other people\u2014it\u2019s really, really damaging to our relationships. I\u2019m not criticizing what you all did. It happens in every marriage. It happens in mine\u2014parenting\u2014all of it; we do this\u2014but the less we do this and the more we interact with God over our feelings, the more He is able to reveal to us what\u2019s <em>really<\/em> true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, here is the coach in me: \u201cToday\u2019s game isn\u2019t about who is on the other sideline. It\u2019s all about us; we play our game. We do what we do; we win. It\u2019s not about them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMarriage is the same way, and there is an equation in your book\u2014I found it, and I love it; it\u2019s on Page 112\u2014the equation says this: \u201cThe deeper my relationship with God, the better my marriage is.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cThat is true.\u201d Your husband\/your wife cannot be fulfilling their\u2014it doesn\u2019t matter\u2014it\u2019s all about me and my relationship with God. I mean, that is what I would want every engaged person to understand that: \u201cThis is all about your relationship with God, not your marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; let\u2019s say your husband comes home every day. You\u2019ve been working. You come home; you\u2019re getting dinner. The kids are all going crazy. He sits on the couch; turns on ESPN every day, doesn\u2019t talk to you until bedtime. Then he kind of like gives you that look like, \u201cHey, how about tonight?\u201d How does that woman respect her husband? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> So, most women\u2014and you\u2019ve heard that question multiple times; and sometimes, it\u2019s cell phone: \u201cHe gets on his phone; doesn\u2019t even acknowledge that I am here\u201d; yes. So, we\u2014again, we have to look at this as\u2014and this is going to sound really hard\u2014but if I am blaming him for his behavior\/if I am focusing on him and what he\u2019s doing for me, then I\u2019ve decided that I\u2019m the source of truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, think about that for a second\u2014for me to say that my reality is the one that matters more than his reality, I\u2019ve decided that I\u2019m the source of truth. Instead, I need to go to God and say: \u201cOkay; God, I\u2019m feeling kind of not awesome right now. I\u2019ve been doing all these things all day today, and he\u2019s doing <em>that<\/em>. I\u2019m not happy with this. What is this? Why am I feeling this way? What is this?\u201d He will comfort me in that; He will say, \u201cOf course, you feel this way. Yes; you\u2019re hurting, and I\u2019m right here with you.\u201d He wraps His arms around me, figuratively speaking; and I get comfort in the middle of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen\u2014and <em>then<\/em>\u2014He says, \u201cSo, is there another truth here?\u201d So, I have to go: \u201cOkay; my husband is in this space. God, what do You want from me right now? How can I take responsibility for my relationship with You and walk this out in this moment? What do I need to do differently?\u201d I would have all of this conversation first. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wouldn\u2019t just go: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to do this behavior\u2026\u201d\u2014walk over, put your hand on his shoulder\u2014because that\u2019s a behavior that doesn\u2019t have the heart behind it. The heart goes: \u201cHey, honey, are you okay? What\u2019s going on?\u201d\u2014there\u2019s love there and then there\u2019s connection. Sometimes, it takes a few times\u2014sometimes, it doesn\u2019t happen; but when it does, you know, that\u2019s when God\u2019s decided that it will. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s nothing wrong, in that moment, for a wife to say, \u201cCould you, maybe, give me a hand with some stuff here tonight? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m in the midst of this.\u201d Sometimes, as men, we\u2019re just oblivious to what\u2019s going on in your world; and you\u2019re expecting us to know\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and think and feel: \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you aware of what I\u2019m thinking and feeling right now?\u201d and \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you motivated on your own?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know, even as I\u2019m saying this, that a wife is going: \u201cI don\u2019t want to have to ask. [Laughter] I want you to know it and do it on your own.\u201d Well, maybe, one day, we\u2019ll evolve to that point as men but, for now, just coach us a little bit\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because we\u2019re okay with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Nina, your story about wrapping the Christmas\u2014were you wrapping presents for Christmas? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That really relates to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It does. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014what Bob said. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes; I was picking up the trash. It was actually after Christmas, and I was crawling around on my hands and knees. I had three kids, and they were three months, three years, five years\u2014<em>exhausting<\/em>; right? My husband was a road warrior\u2014travelled. I\u2019m exhausted; I\u2019m picking up stuff after Christmas, and I\u2019m <em>seething<\/em>\u2014I am so angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf I had just asked my husband: \u201cHey, baby, can you help? We need to clean up the house,\u201d he would have gone, \u201cOh, okay; sure!\u201d you know? Then he would have pitched in\u2014I\u2019m 100 percent sure of that. Instead, I chose to do the whole seething thing, and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s a martyring thing that we go through as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> It is; it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We do it with our kids as well\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014like: \u201cLook at them! They don\u2019t even see the trash,\u201d and they really don\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Nina:<\/strong> They don\u2019t; yes. Yes; we wander through that. It\u2019s actually idolatry and pride\u2014ouch!\u2014but that\u2019s what that is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This is just one thought I had, as I am listening to these two women. Wasn\u2019t it interesting, Bob? We\u2019re watching these two women talking about us men, you know, sitting in a chair. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI did think\u2014to the guy that\u2019s sitting in the chair, \u201cGet out of the chair.\u201d This part of me just says: \u201cI know. I\u2019ve been there,\u201d\u2014I roll my eyes; like I even do the little: \u201cPfft; don\u2019t you see how important I am?\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m carrying all this\u2026\u201d\u2014and I don\u2019t get out of the chair. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to look at my boy-self: \u201cGrow up; be a man. Serve your wife. Love your wife, and get out of the chair and honor Christ by serving,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s what I would say. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think all of us, as men, as we re-enter our workplace\/our second workplace\u2014with our [wife] and our kids\u2014we need to not be reentering going, \u201cI just need some downtime.\u201d Now, maybe, you do; maybe, you need\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201415 minutes\/30 minutes to shift gears when you get home, and you need to do this. That\u2019s fine; but don\u2019t think that\u2019s the rest of the evening for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Nope. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got work to do. You need to be there and be present and pitch in. It may be that your wife needs some downtime, and you may need to be the one rolling up your sleeves so she can get a break. This is how this dance gets worked out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think, Nina, to your point\u2014when a wife has an attitude about all of this that says, \u201cMy heart\u2019s desire is, first of all, to serve the Lord and to live out the way He\u2019s calling me to live; and then, secondly, to respect my husband,\u201d\u2014that is core to what is in the book you\u2019ve written, called <em>12 Truths to Change Your Marriage<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go online to order from us, or you can call. Our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Our number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. So, again, the book is called <em>12 Truths to Change Your Marriage<\/em>. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to get your copy, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I think it\u2019s possible we may have stepped on some toes in today\u2019s program; and we\u2019re not trying to intentionally inflict any kind of injury on anybody; but we also don\u2019t want to shy away from what the Bible has to say about how we love one another well in our marriages and in our families. At FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, our goal is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families can change the world\u2014you do it one home at a time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe conversation we\u2019ve had today happened because listeners, like you, made it happen. They provided the funds needed for the production and syndication of this program. We want to know if you, as a regular listener\/a long-time listener, will join the team. Make a donation today to help support the ongoing work of this ministry so that conversations like this can continue to happen; our website can continue to grow and thrive; this program can be heard on more platforms all around the world; our events and our resources can expand. You make that possible every time you make a donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can help with a donation right now, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Dennis Rainey\u2019s book, <em>Choosing a Life That Matters<\/em>. That\u2019s our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your support today.\u201d Go to FamilyLifeToday.com to donate, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to donate: 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about the thin line between offering advice and counsel and attempting to control your spouse. Nina Roesner joins us, again, tomorrow. I hope you can join us as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305377","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305377"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305377"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305377"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305377"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305377"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305377"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305377"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}