{"id":305355,"date":"2019-09-19T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2019-09-19T10:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage\/"},"modified":"2019-09-19T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2019-09-19T10:00:05","slug":"things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Things I Wish I Knew Before Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Ann Wilson talks to engaged women about things to keep in mind, things to be prepared for, and things to talk with their fiance&#8217; about before saying &#8220;I do.&#8221;<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tHear more from the Wilsons in the all-new Art of Marriage six-session video series for groups features expert teaching, devotionals, spoken word poetry, animation, real-life stories, humorous vignettes, and more to portray both the challenges and the beauty of God&#8217;s design.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all that&#8217;s available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.<br \/>\n \tFind Your Getaway at one of FamilyLife&#8217;s Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaways.\u00a0 https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/weekend-to-remember<br \/>\n \tLearn more about becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ann Wilson talks to engaged women about things to keep in mind, things to be prepared for, and things to talk with their fiance&#8217; about before saying &#8220;I do.&#8221;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-19.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:20","filesize":"25.94M","filesize_raw":"27202787","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2807,2831],"tags":[6646,6715,6702,4955,6730],"podcast_series":[8302],"cwp_profile":[3554],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305355","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-engagements-and-weddings","category-wives","tag-dtr","tag-engaged-couples","tag-expectations-in-marriage","tag-preparing-for-marriage","tag-red-flags","podcast_series-the-purpose-of-engagement","cwp_profile-ann-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305355\/things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305355\/things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"26eDpQbAyh\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage\/\">Things I Wish I Knew Before Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/things-i-wish-i-knew-before-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=26eDpQbAyh\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Things I Wish I Knew Before Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"26eDpQbAyh\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-19.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-19.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you are a bride-to-be, Ann Wilson has an important question for you to think about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Is there anything about him that I cannot accept right now? Is there anything about him that I\u2019m thinking, \u201cYes, when we get married, I\u2019ll change that\u201d? Because if you\u2019re thinking that\u2014some of you smile, because you know: \u201cIt\u2019s not going to happen. Don\u2019t think that you will change him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo as you look at him\u2014think about him, right now, in your mind; okay?\u2014is there anything right now that you cannot live with, at this very moment, that you would want to change?\u2014because who he is today will probably be the man that you will marry, and don\u2019t plan on changing him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for September 19<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Ann Wilson has a lot of very wise, very practical counsel for any bride-to-be; and in fact, this is something she\u2019s been sharing with young women for a long, long time. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, guess what I found. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, Bob!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I was digging in the archives; and I found\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Is that the cassette tapes?\u2014eight-tracks?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I found a cassette tape\u2014no, it wasn\u2019t an eight-track\u2014it was a cassette tape. We recorded, back in 1997\u201422 years ago\u2014we recorded you, Ann, at a\u2014this was a talk you gave to a group of engaged women at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. We have a breakout\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014first we meet with the couples; and then, we used to meet guys with guys and girls with girls. You were with the women on a Saturday afternoon, getting them ready for their wedding night\/getting them ready for the unexpected in marriage. It was a pre-marriage conversation. [Laughter] At this point, you\u2019d been married for, I think 17 years, when you gave this talk.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So I thought, \u201cThis will be fun.\u201d It\u2019ll be fun for <em>you<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Will it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes! [Laughter] And it\u2019ll be fun for our listeners to hear what you were saying about marriage, 22 years ago, to engaged women. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI should just mention, again, this happened in the context of a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. This week is your last opportunity to register for an upcoming getaway and save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. If you call us today or go online today and register, you and your spouse attend for half-price. This offer is good through the weekend; so if you want to take advantage of this, now is the time to call. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find a location near you\/a weekend that works for you\u2014mark it out on your calendar. Save some money if you register today. We promise you; in fact, we guarantee you that this weekend is worth the time and the money. Here\u2019s how we guarantee it: if you come to the weekend and you go, \u201cThat wasn\u2019t worth it,\u201d we\u2019ll give you your registration fee back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That\u2019s a pretty good deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That is a good deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, we\u2019re not going to give you the full registration, because you only paid half-price; right? [Laughter] It\u2019s not like, \u201cOoh, I can double my money!\u201d No; no, we\u2019ll give you what you paid for the registration back; but it\u2019s how confident we are that it\u2019s going to be a great weekend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014where you get to hear talks like this!\u2014right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. You get to hear people like 37-year-old Ann Wilson talking to engaged women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh boy. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think this is going to be fun for us to listen to, but there\u2019s a lot of wisdom that you shared with these women. I think our listeners are going to enjoy hearing what you shared with these young ladies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You are on the verge of great possibilities in your marriage. For me, it\u2019s just so much fun; because 17 years ago, in May, I sat in a room like this. There was no woman to speak\u2014a man spoke to us, and that was just totally weird. [Laughter] So it is great to have you in here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, as Dave and I came in here, I was 19 years old. In two weeks, we were about to be married. I\u2019ll tell you what\u2014we sat in here and we became so excited, because we had never heard some of this before. I bet, for some of you, this is <em>new<\/em>. We had never heard of God\u2019s blueprint for marriage. It gave us so much hope; it gave us <em>so much<\/em> to look forward to; and our expectations of what we could have rose significantly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we did that, at this conference, we said, \u201cWe want God to be a part of our relationship, more than anything else,\u201d because we understood the impact He can make on a relationship. You know what? This is amazing to me\u2014but Dave and I, neither of us came from homes that were centered on Christ. At that point in our lives, neither of us had seen a marriage relationship that we would want. Our parents had okay relationships, but we had never seen a godly relationship that we would want to model. So for us, we had a great desire for this to really work. The things that they talked about, up in front\u2014we wanted that!\u2014we wanted those relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe night of our honeymoon, we got down on our knees before our bed; and we prayed together on our knees and said: \u201cGod, do whatever it takes to make this relationship what You want it to be. Whatever it takes, God, take it. It\u2019s all yours.\u201d I have to tell you\u2014we were so excited.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, six months later\u2014remember Dave said that we moved to Nebraska\u2014and as those six months were rolling along, we were <em>amazed<\/em> at just how different we were. We were <em>amazed<\/em> at how shattered our dreams had become. On the drive from Finley, Ohio, to Nebraska, we got in one of the greatest fights we have ever been in. In fact, it was a 15-hour drive. I bet I cried 10 of those hours; it was just lovely. [Laughter]You know, one of the times, I turned to Dave. I looked at him and said: \u201cYou know what? It was a mistake that we ever got married.\u201d And he turned to me and said, \u201cYou\u2019re absolutely right.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, how can you go, six months prior to that\u2014of having these great hopes and expectations for this godly marriage\u2014and six months later, say words like that to one another that <em>pierced<\/em> my heart? Hopelessness just descended, and the walls just started building up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLadies, what we\u2019re going to talk about today is stuff I hope that you can grasp and take with you\u2014things that you won\u2019t just hear, as Dave was talking about\u2014but things that you can apply in, not only your marriage, but even starting today in your engagement time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat is the purpose of engagement? For Dave and me, what happened for us, at that point\u2014what we realized is: \u201cWhat did we learn at that conference? What did they say?!\u201d When we got to Nebraska, we pulled out the manual. We started saying: \u201cNow what do we need to do here to get back on track? What are some things that they said about communication that we should and should not do?\u201d We started <em>scouring<\/em> this book. It became second to the Bible as far as wanting to learn and apply some of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe purpose of engagement is, first of all\u2014we\u2019re going to talk about these four things, and I\u2019m going to really plug in on two of those\u2014is to, first, to test your commitment. Also, the purpose in your engagement time is to plan for your marriage; it\u2019s to anticipate potential problem areas; and it\u2019s also to plan the wedding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I look at those four things, you know what I think sometimes? I think what we get caught up in, as we become engaged, is we center right into this planning-the-wedding part. Look at you!\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cYes,\u201d\u2014because it takes up so much of our time. There are so many things to be done that we can focus in on that\u2014when that\u2019s just a <em>small<\/em> thing\u2014because the purpose of engagement is <em>much<\/em> more vast than just planning the wedding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, if you take this cup, and let\u2019s say you just bought this cup. Let\u2019s pretend it\u2019s like this really nice jar or a pot. You want to put this really neat plant in it. The plant will be your marriage. Let\u2019s say you\u2019re going to plant it in here. What do you need to make this plant thrive, and survive, and grow? You\u2019re going to need a lot of things. Sometimes, all we do in this engaged time is\u2014we just say: \u201cHey, we\u2019re just planning our wedding. That\u2019s what engagement is for; isn\u2019t it?\u2014the engagement period.\u201d No way! This period is <em>so<\/em> much more than that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not going to talk so much about planning your wedding, because you guys are in the midst of that right now; but also, this is the time to test your commitment. This is a time of saying: \u201cIs there anything about him that I cannot accept right now? Is there anything about him that I\u2019m thinking, \u2018Yes, when we get married, I\u2019ll change that\u2019?\u201d Because if you\u2019re thinking that\u2014some of you smile, because you know: \u201cIt\u2019s not going to happen. Don\u2019t think that you will change him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you look at him\u2014think about him, right now in your mind; okay?\u2014is there anything right now that you cannot live with, at this very moment, that you would want to change?\u2014because who he is today will probably be the man that you will marry, and don\u2019t plan on changing him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a time for you to look at each other and to say: \u201cWho are you?\u201d and \u201cWhat are you all about?\u201d Look at him; watch each other; observe one another. Let me ask you: \u201cHow much time have you spent on dealing with communication? How much time have you been discovering how you resolve conflict? Do you guys know how you do, and how each of you do, in conflict resolution?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen Dave and I first got married, we both had very different ways of dealing with conflict. My family\u2014we got together\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cThere\u2019s a problem. Let\u2019s put it on the table. Let\u2019s talk about it. Let\u2019s deal with this. Let\u2019s tackle this thing!\u201d Dave came from a family, where his parents, at one time were both alcoholics. As we looked at that, what happened for Dave was\u2014when he would have conflict, he\u2019d be gone; he would leave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn one of our arguments, when we were first married, I can remember having this argument\u2014Dave standing up and saying: \u201cYou know what? I don\u2019t really need to deal with this,\u201d and he left the room. I was like\u2014being the quiet person that I am\u2014saying, \u201cYou are leaving?!\u201d Then he walked up the stairs, went into the bedroom, and closed the door. I stomped up the stairs, like, \u201cYou come down and fight, you chicken!\u201d [Laughter] We were really good at conflict resolution in those days! [Laughter] But as you think about that\u2014I mean, we have had to learn. Dave has totally changed in that area, where sometimes he even has to pursue <em>me<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do you guys resolve conflict? What is <em>your<\/em> style? Are you one to withdraw? Are you one to talk? Ask one another: \u201cHow do you think we do with conflict resolution?\u201d and \u201cWhat is your style, and what do you think my style is?\u201d Those are <em>so<\/em> important key things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing that\u2019s really important is dealing with unresolved anger\u2014issues of the past or chronic anger. So many times, those can come out in a relationship; and those are great things to know about and learn about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is also a time to anticipate potential problem areas. I bet some of you are seeing some of those right now, as far as\u2014sometimes finances can be potential problem areas; in-laws. Any of you planning the wedding\u2014and you\u2019re in that right now\u2014of dealing with the in-laws? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, let me add this, too: \u201cHow do you both correspond and relate in spiritual issues? Are you like-minded, spiritually? Do you both have the same passion for God?\u201d It doesn\u2019t necessarily mean that you have to be the same level of maturity, or one has been a Christian a longer or shorter period of time than another; what it means is that you both have a desire to mature, and walk and go <em>toward<\/em> God, not away from Him. You may think that that\u2019s not that big of an issue. It is a <em>huge<\/em> issue, so ask yourself that: \u201cAre you on the same level?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso: \u201cHow do you do in communication?\u2014how are you doing?\u201d Don\u2019t think that conflict is a bad thing; conflict is a <em>great<\/em> thing. You know what? Dave and I probably had more fights in that first year\u2014and at that point, when we were in the car, heading toward Nebraska\u2014you know what my thought was?\u2014\u201cWhat have we done?! What were we thinking?! I was 18 when we met, and now I\u2019m 19.\u201d I was young; I had sexual abuse in my past that was affecting us right [then]. Dave came from a divorced family with two alcoholic parents. We had so much garbage! The tendency was for me to think was: \u201cIt was a huge mistake! This was not God\u2019s will; this was not God\u2019s plan. We should just split!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yet, I look at those things now and realize that, as God brought us together in that first year, instead of shying away from conflict, thinking, \u201cThis is a bad thing,\u201d I feel like, that first year, God did more of taking us to where He wanted us to be in our relationship than anything else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you come across these major conflicts or arguments in the next years\/in the next few months, don\u2019t see it as, \u201cOh no\u201d; see it as: \u201cLook at this. This is an opportunity to go to the next level,\u201d because that\u2019s what it is\u2014it\u2019s an opportunity for <em>you<\/em>. Every conflict\u2014I felt like, when Dave and I resolved one, it\u2019s like: \u201cWe have more of an understanding of how God wants us to be and what we\u2019re to be like.\u201d It\u2019s exciting if you can see it from that point of view.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll the time when you guys are getting together, what are you talking about in a significant portion of your time?\u2014planning the wedding; isn\u2019t it? Sometimes what can happen with the relationship is\u2014it can deteriorate a little bit. You know how Dennis was saying, \u201cTake a date night\u201d? You guys are right here on the verge\u2014when you get married and you have children, it\u2019ll be hard not to talk about the children\u2014it\u2019s becoming practiced and intentional about discussing <em>your<\/em> relationship. When you go out at night, take a significant amount of time to set aside to say, \u201cHow are we doing in our relationship?\u201d Plan now. Start pouring in things now that will cause this plant to grow up strong and healthy. Be intentional on what you talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, the other way of planning for your marriage is to know your man. Now, on this part, let me just say\u2014I\u2019m going to be really real with you; I\u2019m going to be really frank. That\u2019s just kind of my personality anyway\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, was I supposed to be embarrassed about that?\u201d So if it embarrasses you\u2014I hope it won\u2019t\u2014but it\u2019s just some of the stuff that God has really dealt with me on a personal basis. I want to share it with you; because I wished, for years, that someone would have had the guts to share it with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we talk about these, I\u2019ve had people\/some women that have been angry with me; because they say, \u201cYou know, I can\u2019t believe you shared that stuff.\u201d Let me just add this\u2014the things that we\u2019re sharing with this\u2014it comes from the Bible. You can disagree with me, guys; that\u2019s okay; but what I\u2019m saying is directly from the Bible, and this is what it says. If you want to disagree with that, hey, the choice is yours; but there will always be consequences to the good and the bad choices that we make.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn this engagement period, many women ask this: \u201cTo what degree should your physical expression of love go while still engaged?\u201d and \u201cHow far can we go in God\u2019s eyes?\u201d Well, here\u2019s what I did\u2014at 15 years old, I lost my virginity. My mom had always said, \u201cYou know, Ann, this is something you need to wait until you\u2019re married.\u201d As a young girl, I thought: \u201cYou bet; I\u2019m waiting. That\u2019s me, Mom.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe older I got, the more intrigued I was with boys. As I thought about it, I thought, \u201cWhy not?\u201d Our home was a home in which verbal affirmation or affection was never displayed, nor was physical affection ever displayed. I didn\u2019t realize it, but I hungered for somebody to love me. I lost my virginity at 15 years old. It was a hard, hard day, just because of some of the implications that happened as a result, just being so young and giving up something that was a treasure that was just thrown away and not appreciated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt 16 years old, I placed my faith in Jesus Christ. I really wanted to do what He wanted me to do. Up until that time, I thought: \u201cWhy can\u2019t you have sex? My mom said, \u2018No\u2019; people say, \u2018No\u2019; I see no reason why.\u201d But I still wondered, \u201cWhat does God say?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI started thinking, \u201cWell, maybe the Bible says something.\u201d I would read things like this, in 1 Thessalonians 4:3: \u201cIt is God\u2019s will that you should be sanctified, that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lusts like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would read that and think, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s good. What does that mean?! Does that mean\u2026\u201d As I read that\u2014\u201csexual immorality\u201d\u2014\u201cOkay, so I bet that\u2019s sexual intercourse. I bet that\u2019s what that means, so everything else is okay!\u201d I stopped sexual intercourse; and man, I explored everything else in the whole world that you could do. I was <em>yearning<\/em> for someone. I would go to Christian bookstores and try to just find books. In that time, there weren\u2019t a whole lot of books that addressed the issue. The reason I share this is because I wanted someone to tell me what is okay\/what is not okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you look at that word, \u201csexual immorality,\u201d from the Greek, the word is <em>pornia<\/em> [\u03c0\u03bf\u03c1\u03bd\u03b9\u03b1]. What it basically means is this\u2014I\u2019m not making this up; this is what the Greek means that is not okay: \u201cAnything outside of marriage to the point of becoming sexually-stimulated.\u201d Okay, that\u2019s a little hard to swallow here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cBut why? Why does God say that?\u201d\u2014that was my question!\u2014\u201cWhy does everyone say, \u2018No,\u2019 without saying <em>why<\/em>?\u201d You know <em>why<\/em>? It\u2019s because God loves us <em>so much<\/em> that He wants the <em>best<\/em> for us. He <em>knows<\/em> what it\u2019s going to take to have a <em>great<\/em> marriage. For me, I have to tell you\u2014the reason Dave and I struggled so much the first year\u2014it was because of our past. Dave brought this stuff in his background into our marriage, and I brought this stuff into our marriage from my background. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLadies, I have to tell\u2014if there is anything I could\/if I could go back and change it, it would be that. If Dave could go back and change anything in his past, it would be that. Because when God says, \u201cYou two will become one in flesh,\u201d it doesn\u2019t just mean one physically; it means that you give a part of your <em>soul<\/em> to another person. God desires that just for your husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod doesn\u2019t say, \u201cNo,\u201d because He doesn\u2019t want you to have fun; it\u2019s not because he wants you to miss out. It\u2019s because He truly loves us. Let me add, too: \u201cWhy does He?\u201d\u2014because God is protecting us. There is only one reason why God says, \u201cDo not sin\u201d; and the only reason is to protect us in every circumstance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reason I share that is because, for me, the feelings that I have\/that I took in were such a lack of trust on Dave\u2019s part\u2014I just did not trust him to know that he would be pure with me after we were married. The other thing were just the flashbacks that we both experienced that were just a natural consequence. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, one of my greatest fears was the fear of comparison. Dave and I just went to his high school reunion. I grew up in the same hometown he did, and I knew who his girlfriends were. Just to talk to those ladies, and to meet them, and to be around them\u2014even now, it\u2019s hard, after so many years\u2014that I know that he gave all of himself to someone else. God loves us, and He\u2019s trying to protect us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well again, we\u2019ve been listening back to the first part of an extended dialogue that you had, Ann, more than 20 years ago with engaged women at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. Listening back to it, you\u2019re hearing stories you haven\u2019t thought of for awhile; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh boy, yes; and so is Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014like that high school reunion?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; when I heard that, it took me back into regrets. What Ann\u2019s trying to communicate is: \u201cThose don\u2019t go away,\u201d and \u201cYou can make decisions, now, that will protect you for the future.\u201d So yes, I haven\u2019t thought about that in a <em>long<\/em> time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I know; it was painful, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m glad you brought that out of the archives, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s great, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thanks a lot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But here\u2019s what we have to say\u2014those regrets may not go away, but grace covers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>God comes into the midst of those regrets and brings healing, and brings hope, and brings beauty from ashes; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>He definitely has done that in our marriage. It\u2019s also one of the reasons we want to help couples: \u201cDon\u2019t make the mistakes we made. God will forgive. God will meet you right there, and bring beauty into that darkness; but boy oh boy, we\u2019re standing on a fork in the road, saying, \u2018Don\u2019t take the road I took. You can avoid this.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, too, the reason I brought that up with that group, so many years ago, is because we experienced the consequences of some of the mistakes that we had made; and why God gives us direction in the Bible is because He\u2019s trying to protect us and love us. We bore some of those consequences, but we also\u2014you\u2019re right, Bob\u2014God has given us grace, so we want to help other people to maybe not go the same route we went.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think our listeners got a chance to hear today\u2014when you attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you hear from real people, who have gone through real issues: who are candid, transparent, honest about the issues they\u2019ve been through in their marriage. They\u2019re not perfect, but they have found hope and help from the Scriptures, and they know where the hope and help is. They\u2019ve seen God work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say this because we\u2019re encouraging listeners, this week, to get in touch with us and sign up for an upcoming getaway. We\u2019re going to be hosting more than 30 of these getaways in cities all across the country this fall. If you sign up before the week is out, you\u2019ll save 50 percent off the regular registration fee; and you\u2019ll be doing the <em>best<\/em> thing you can do to strengthen your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, if there was anything I knew that I could recommend to you\u2014any other weekend that would do more for your marriage\u2014I\u2019d tell you about it; but for more than 40 years, the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is where people have gone to learn more about God\u2019s design for marriage. We\u2019ve had hundreds of thousands of couples, who have told us, \u201cThis weekend made a huge difference in our marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more; register today to save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information or to register online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, our number is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Join us this fall for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. We think you\u2019ll be glad you did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you\u2019ll join us back again tomorrow. We\u2019re going to hear more wise counsel from Ann Wilson, speaking to a group of young women about to be married. You\u2019ll hear Part Two of her message tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:20"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.94M"],"filesize_raw":["27202787"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305355.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305355.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Wilson talks to engaged women about things to keep in mind, things to be prepared for, and things to talk with their fiance' about before saying \"I do.\"","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-19.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you are a bride-to-be, Ann Wilson has an important question for you to think about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Is there anything about him that I cannot accept right now? Is there anything about him that I\u2019m thinking, \u201cYes, when we get married, I\u2019ll change that\u201d? Because if you\u2019re thinking that\u2014some of you smile, because you know: \u201cIt\u2019s not going to happen. Don\u2019t think that you will change him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo as you look at him\u2014think about him, right now, in your mind; okay?\u2014is there anything right now that you cannot live with, at this very moment, that you would want to change?\u2014because who he is today will probably be the man that you will marry, and don\u2019t plan on changing him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for September 19<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Ann Wilson has a lot of very wise, very practical counsel for any bride-to-be; and in fact, this is something she\u2019s been sharing with young women for a long, long time. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, guess what I found. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, Bob!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I was digging in the archives; and I found\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Is that the cassette tapes?\u2014eight-tracks?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I found a cassette tape\u2014no, it wasn\u2019t an eight-track\u2014it was a cassette tape. We recorded, back in 1997\u201422 years ago\u2014we recorded you, Ann, at a\u2014this was a talk you gave to a group of engaged women at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. We have a breakout\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014first we meet with the couples; and then, we used to meet guys with guys and girls with girls. You were with the women on a Saturday afternoon, getting them ready for their wedding night\/getting them ready for the unexpected in marriage. It was a pre-marriage conversation. [Laughter] At this point, you\u2019d been married for, I think 17 years, when you gave this talk.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So I thought, \u201cThis will be fun.\u201d It\u2019ll be fun for <em>you<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Will it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes! [Laughter] And it\u2019ll be fun for our listeners to hear what you were saying about marriage, 22 years ago, to engaged women. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI should just mention, again, this happened in the context of a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. This week is your last opportunity to register for an upcoming getaway and save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. If you call us today or go online today and register, you and your spouse attend for half-price. This offer is good through the weekend; so if you want to take advantage of this, now is the time to call. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find a location near you\/a weekend that works for you\u2014mark it out on your calendar. Save some money if you register today. We promise you; in fact, we guarantee you that this weekend is worth the time and the money. Here\u2019s how we guarantee it: if you come to the weekend and you go, \u201cThat wasn\u2019t worth it,\u201d we\u2019ll give you your registration fee back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That\u2019s a pretty good deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That is a good deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, we\u2019re not going to give you the full registration, because you only paid half-price; right? [Laughter] It\u2019s not like, \u201cOoh, I can double my money!\u201d No; no, we\u2019ll give you what you paid for the registration back; but it\u2019s how confident we are that it\u2019s going to be a great weekend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014where you get to hear talks like this!\u2014right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. You get to hear people like 37-year-old Ann Wilson talking to engaged women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh boy. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think this is going to be fun for us to listen to, but there\u2019s a lot of wisdom that you shared with these women. I think our listeners are going to enjoy hearing what you shared with these young ladies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You are on the verge of great possibilities in your marriage. For me, it\u2019s just so much fun; because 17 years ago, in May, I sat in a room like this. There was no woman to speak\u2014a man spoke to us, and that was just totally weird. [Laughter] So it is great to have you in here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, as Dave and I came in here, I was 19 years old. In two weeks, we were about to be married. I\u2019ll tell you what\u2014we sat in here and we became so excited, because we had never heard some of this before. I bet, for some of you, this is <em>new<\/em>. We had never heard of God\u2019s blueprint for marriage. It gave us so much hope; it gave us <em>so much<\/em> to look forward to; and our expectations of what we could have rose significantly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we did that, at this conference, we said, \u201cWe want God to be a part of our relationship, more than anything else,\u201d because we understood the impact He can make on a relationship. You know what? This is amazing to me\u2014but Dave and I, neither of us came from homes that were centered on Christ. At that point in our lives, neither of us had seen a marriage relationship that we would want. Our parents had okay relationships, but we had never seen a godly relationship that we would want to model. So for us, we had a great desire for this to really work. The things that they talked about, up in front\u2014we wanted that!\u2014we wanted those relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe night of our honeymoon, we got down on our knees before our bed; and we prayed together on our knees and said: \u201cGod, do whatever it takes to make this relationship what You want it to be. Whatever it takes, God, take it. It\u2019s all yours.\u201d I have to tell you\u2014we were so excited.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, six months later\u2014remember Dave said that we moved to Nebraska\u2014and as those six months were rolling along, we were <em>amazed<\/em> at just how different we were. We were <em>amazed<\/em> at how shattered our dreams had become. On the drive from Finley, Ohio, to Nebraska, we got in one of the greatest fights we have ever been in. In fact, it was a 15-hour drive. I bet I cried 10 of those hours; it was just lovely. [Laughter]You know, one of the times, I turned to Dave. I looked at him and said: \u201cYou know what? It was a mistake that we ever got married.\u201d And he turned to me and said, \u201cYou\u2019re absolutely right.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, how can you go, six months prior to that\u2014of having these great hopes and expectations for this godly marriage\u2014and six months later, say words like that to one another that <em>pierced<\/em> my heart? Hopelessness just descended, and the walls just started building up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLadies, what we\u2019re going to talk about today is stuff I hope that you can grasp and take with you\u2014things that you won\u2019t just hear, as Dave was talking about\u2014but things that you can apply in, not only your marriage, but even starting today in your engagement time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat is the purpose of engagement? For Dave and me, what happened for us, at that point\u2014what we realized is: \u201cWhat did we learn at that conference? What did they say?!\u201d When we got to Nebraska, we pulled out the manual. We started saying: \u201cNow what do we need to do here to get back on track? What are some things that they said about communication that we should and should not do?\u201d We started <em>scouring<\/em> this book. It became second to the Bible as far as wanting to learn and apply some of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe purpose of engagement is, first of all\u2014we\u2019re going to talk about these four things, and I\u2019m going to really plug in on two of those\u2014is to, first, to test your commitment. Also, the purpose in your engagement time is to plan for your marriage; it\u2019s to anticipate potential problem areas; and it\u2019s also to plan the wedding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I look at those four things, you know what I think sometimes? I think what we get caught up in, as we become engaged, is we center right into this planning-the-wedding part. Look at you!\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cYes,\u201d\u2014because it takes up so much of our time. There are so many things to be done that we can focus in on that\u2014when that\u2019s just a <em>small<\/em> thing\u2014because the purpose of engagement is <em>much<\/em> more vast than just planning the wedding.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, if you take this cup, and let\u2019s say you just bought this cup. Let\u2019s pretend it\u2019s like this really nice jar or a pot. You want to put this really neat plant in it. The plant will be your marriage. Let\u2019s say you\u2019re going to plant it in here. What do you need to make this plant thrive, and survive, and grow? You\u2019re going to need a lot of things. Sometimes, all we do in this engaged time is\u2014we just say: \u201cHey, we\u2019re just planning our wedding. That\u2019s what engagement is for; isn\u2019t it?\u2014the engagement period.\u201d No way! This period is <em>so<\/em> much more than that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not going to talk so much about planning your wedding, because you guys are in the midst of that right now; but also, this is the time to test your commitment. This is a time of saying: \u201cIs there anything about him that I cannot accept right now? Is there anything about him that I\u2019m thinking, \u2018Yes, when we get married, I\u2019ll change that\u2019?\u201d Because if you\u2019re thinking that\u2014some of you smile, because you know: \u201cIt\u2019s not going to happen. Don\u2019t think that you will change him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you look at him\u2014think about him, right now in your mind; okay?\u2014is there anything right now that you cannot live with, at this very moment, that you would want to change?\u2014because who he is today will probably be the man that you will marry, and don\u2019t plan on changing him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is a time for you to look at each other and to say: \u201cWho are you?\u201d and \u201cWhat are you all about?\u201d Look at him; watch each other; observe one another. Let me ask you: \u201cHow much time have you spent on dealing with communication? How much time have you been discovering how you resolve conflict? Do you guys know how you do, and how each of you do, in conflict resolution?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen Dave and I first got married, we both had very different ways of dealing with conflict. My family\u2014we got together\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cThere\u2019s a problem. Let\u2019s put it on the table. Let\u2019s talk about it. Let\u2019s deal with this. Let\u2019s tackle this thing!\u201d Dave came from a family, where his parents, at one time were both alcoholics. As we looked at that, what happened for Dave was\u2014when he would have conflict, he\u2019d be gone; he would leave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn one of our arguments, when we were first married, I can remember having this argument\u2014Dave standing up and saying: \u201cYou know what? I don\u2019t really need to deal with this,\u201d and he left the room. I was like\u2014being the quiet person that I am\u2014saying, \u201cYou are leaving?!\u201d Then he walked up the stairs, went into the bedroom, and closed the door. I stomped up the stairs, like, \u201cYou come down and fight, you chicken!\u201d [Laughter] We were really good at conflict resolution in those days! [Laughter] But as you think about that\u2014I mean, we have had to learn. Dave has totally changed in that area, where sometimes he even has to pursue <em>me<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do you guys resolve conflict? What is <em>your<\/em> style? Are you one to withdraw? Are you one to talk? Ask one another: \u201cHow do you think we do with conflict resolution?\u201d and \u201cWhat is your style, and what do you think my style is?\u201d Those are <em>so<\/em> important key things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing that\u2019s really important is dealing with unresolved anger\u2014issues of the past or chronic anger. So many times, those can come out in a relationship; and those are great things to know about and learn about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is also a time to anticipate potential problem areas. I bet some of you are seeing some of those right now, as far as\u2014sometimes finances can be potential problem areas; in-laws. Any of you planning the wedding\u2014and you\u2019re in that right now\u2014of dealing with the in-laws? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, let me add this, too: \u201cHow do you both correspond and relate in spiritual issues? Are you like-minded, spiritually? Do you both have the same passion for God?\u201d It doesn\u2019t necessarily mean that you have to be the same level of maturity, or one has been a Christian a longer or shorter period of time than another; what it means is that you both have a desire to mature, and walk and go <em>toward<\/em> God, not away from Him. You may think that that\u2019s not that big of an issue. It is a <em>huge<\/em> issue, so ask yourself that: \u201cAre you on the same level?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso: \u201cHow do you do in communication?\u2014how are you doing?\u201d Don\u2019t think that conflict is a bad thing; conflict is a <em>great<\/em> thing. You know what? Dave and I probably had more fights in that first year\u2014and at that point, when we were in the car, heading toward Nebraska\u2014you know what my thought was?\u2014\u201cWhat have we done?! What were we thinking?! I was 18 when we met, and now I\u2019m 19.\u201d I was young; I had sexual abuse in my past that was affecting us right [then]. Dave came from a divorced family with two alcoholic parents. We had so much garbage! The tendency was for me to think was: \u201cIt was a huge mistake! This was not God\u2019s will; this was not God\u2019s plan. We should just split!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd yet, I look at those things now and realize that, as God brought us together in that first year, instead of shying away from conflict, thinking, \u201cThis is a bad thing,\u201d I feel like, that first year, God did more of taking us to where He wanted us to be in our relationship than anything else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you come across these major conflicts or arguments in the next years\/in the next few months, don\u2019t see it as, \u201cOh no\u201d; see it as: \u201cLook at this. This is an opportunity to go to the next level,\u201d because that\u2019s what it is\u2014it\u2019s an opportunity for <em>you<\/em>. Every conflict\u2014I felt like, when Dave and I resolved one, it\u2019s like: \u201cWe have more of an understanding of how God wants us to be and what we\u2019re to be like.\u201d It\u2019s exciting if you can see it from that point of view.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll the time when you guys are getting together, what are you talking about in a significant portion of your time?\u2014planning the wedding; isn\u2019t it? Sometimes what can happen with the relationship is\u2014it can deteriorate a little bit. You know how Dennis was saying, \u201cTake a date night\u201d? You guys are right here on the verge\u2014when you get married and you have children, it\u2019ll be hard not to talk about the children\u2014it\u2019s becoming practiced and intentional about discussing <em>your<\/em> relationship. When you go out at night, take a significant amount of time to set aside to say, \u201cHow are we doing in our relationship?\u201d Plan now. Start pouring in things now that will cause this plant to grow up strong and healthy. Be intentional on what you talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, the other way of planning for your marriage is to know your man. Now, on this part, let me just say\u2014I\u2019m going to be really real with you; I\u2019m going to be really frank. That\u2019s just kind of my personality anyway\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cOh, was I supposed to be embarrassed about that?\u201d So if it embarrasses you\u2014I hope it won\u2019t\u2014but it\u2019s just some of the stuff that God has really dealt with me on a personal basis. I want to share it with you; because I wished, for years, that someone would have had the guts to share it with me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we talk about these, I\u2019ve had people\/some women that have been angry with me; because they say, \u201cYou know, I can\u2019t believe you shared that stuff.\u201d Let me just add this\u2014the things that we\u2019re sharing with this\u2014it comes from the Bible. You can disagree with me, guys; that\u2019s okay; but what I\u2019m saying is directly from the Bible, and this is what it says. If you want to disagree with that, hey, the choice is yours; but there will always be consequences to the good and the bad choices that we make.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn this engagement period, many women ask this: \u201cTo what degree should your physical expression of love go while still engaged?\u201d and \u201cHow far can we go in God\u2019s eyes?\u201d Well, here\u2019s what I did\u2014at 15 years old, I lost my virginity. My mom had always said, \u201cYou know, Ann, this is something you need to wait until you\u2019re married.\u201d As a young girl, I thought: \u201cYou bet; I\u2019m waiting. That\u2019s me, Mom.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe older I got, the more intrigued I was with boys. As I thought about it, I thought, \u201cWhy not?\u201d Our home was a home in which verbal affirmation or affection was never displayed, nor was physical affection ever displayed. I didn\u2019t realize it, but I hungered for somebody to love me. I lost my virginity at 15 years old. It was a hard, hard day, just because of some of the implications that happened as a result, just being so young and giving up something that was a treasure that was just thrown away and not appreciated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt 16 years old, I placed my faith in Jesus Christ. I really wanted to do what He wanted me to do. Up until that time, I thought: \u201cWhy can\u2019t you have sex? My mom said, \u2018No\u2019; people say, \u2018No\u2019; I see no reason why.\u201d But I still wondered, \u201cWhat does God say?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI started thinking, \u201cWell, maybe the Bible says something.\u201d I would read things like this, in 1 Thessalonians 4:3: \u201cIt is God\u2019s will that you should be sanctified, that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lusts like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would read that and think, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s good. What does that mean?! Does that mean\u2026\u201d As I read that\u2014\u201csexual immorality\u201d\u2014\u201cOkay, so I bet that\u2019s sexual intercourse. I bet that\u2019s what that means, so everything else is okay!\u201d I stopped sexual intercourse; and man, I explored everything else in the whole world that you could do. I was <em>yearning<\/em> for someone. I would go to Christian bookstores and try to just find books. In that time, there weren\u2019t a whole lot of books that addressed the issue. The reason I share this is because I wanted someone to tell me what is okay\/what is not okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you look at that word, \u201csexual immorality,\u201d from the Greek, the word is <em>pornia<\/em> [\u03c0\u03bf\u03c1\u03bd\u03b9\u03b1]. What it basically means is this\u2014I\u2019m not making this up; this is what the Greek means that is not okay: \u201cAnything outside of marriage to the point of becoming sexually-stimulated.\u201d Okay, that\u2019s a little hard to swallow here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cBut why? Why does God say that?\u201d\u2014that was my question!\u2014\u201cWhy does everyone say, \u2018No,\u2019 without saying <em>why<\/em>?\u201d You know <em>why<\/em>? It\u2019s because God loves us <em>so much<\/em> that He wants the <em>best<\/em> for us. He <em>knows<\/em> what it\u2019s going to take to have a <em>great<\/em> marriage. For me, I have to tell you\u2014the reason Dave and I struggled so much the first year\u2014it was because of our past. Dave brought this stuff in his background into our marriage, and I brought this stuff into our marriage from my background. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLadies, I have to tell\u2014if there is anything I could\/if I could go back and change it, it would be that. If Dave could go back and change anything in his past, it would be that. Because when God says, \u201cYou two will become one in flesh,\u201d it doesn\u2019t just mean one physically; it means that you give a part of your <em>soul<\/em> to another person. God desires that just for your husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod doesn\u2019t say, \u201cNo,\u201d because He doesn\u2019t want you to have fun; it\u2019s not because he wants you to miss out. It\u2019s because He truly loves us. Let me add, too: \u201cWhy does He?\u201d\u2014because God is protecting us. There is only one reason why God says, \u201cDo not sin\u201d; and the only reason is to protect us in every circumstance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reason I share that is because, for me, the feelings that I have\/that I took in were such a lack of trust on Dave\u2019s part\u2014I just did not trust him to know that he would be pure with me after we were married. The other thing were just the flashbacks that we both experienced that were just a natural consequence. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso, one of my greatest fears was the fear of comparison. Dave and I just went to his high school reunion. I grew up in the same hometown he did, and I knew who his girlfriends were. Just to talk to those ladies, and to meet them, and to be around them\u2014even now, it\u2019s hard, after so many years\u2014that I know that he gave all of himself to someone else. God loves us, and He\u2019s trying to protect us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well again, we\u2019ve been listening back to the first part of an extended dialogue that you had, Ann, more than 20 years ago with engaged women at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. Listening back to it, you\u2019re hearing stories you haven\u2019t thought of for awhile; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh boy, yes; and so is Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014like that high school reunion?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; when I heard that, it took me back into regrets. What Ann\u2019s trying to communicate is: \u201cThose don\u2019t go away,\u201d and \u201cYou can make decisions, now, that will protect you for the future.\u201d So yes, I haven\u2019t thought about that in a <em>long<\/em> time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I know; it was painful, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m glad you brought that out of the archives, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s great, Bob.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thanks a lot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But here\u2019s what we have to say\u2014those regrets may not go away, but grace covers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>God comes into the midst of those regrets and brings healing, and brings hope, and brings beauty from ashes; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>He definitely has done that in our marriage. It\u2019s also one of the reasons we want to help couples: \u201cDon\u2019t make the mistakes we made. God will forgive. God will meet you right there, and bring beauty into that darkness; but boy oh boy, we\u2019re standing on a fork in the road, saying, \u2018Don\u2019t take the road I took. You can avoid this.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, too, the reason I brought that up with that group, so many years ago, is because we experienced the consequences of some of the mistakes that we had made; and why God gives us direction in the Bible is because He\u2019s trying to protect us and love us. We bore some of those consequences, but we also\u2014you\u2019re right, Bob\u2014God has given us grace, so we want to help other people to maybe not go the same route we went.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think our listeners got a chance to hear today\u2014when you attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you hear from real people, who have gone through real issues: who are candid, transparent, honest about the issues they\u2019ve been through in their marriage. They\u2019re not perfect, but they have found hope and help from the Scriptures, and they know where the hope and help is. They\u2019ve seen God work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI say this because we\u2019re encouraging listeners, this week, to get in touch with us and sign up for an upcoming getaway. We\u2019re going to be hosting more than 30 of these getaways in cities all across the country this fall. If you sign up before the week is out, you\u2019ll save 50 percent off the regular registration fee; and you\u2019ll be doing the <em>best<\/em> thing you can do to strengthen your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, if there was anything I knew that I could recommend to you\u2014any other weekend that would do more for your marriage\u2014I\u2019d tell you about it; but for more than 40 years, the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is where people have gone to learn more about God\u2019s design for marriage. We\u2019ve had hundreds of thousands of couples, who have told us, \u201cThis weekend made a huge difference in our marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFind out more; register today to save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information or to register online, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, our number is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Join us this fall for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. We think you\u2019ll be glad you did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you\u2019ll join us back again tomorrow. We\u2019re going to hear more wise counsel from Ann Wilson, speaking to a group of young women about to be married. You\u2019ll hear Part Two of her message tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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