{"id":305348,"date":"2019-09-16T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-09-16T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/thoughts-on-purity\/"},"modified":"2019-09-16T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-09-16T10:00:04","slug":"thoughts-on-purity","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/thoughts-on-purity\/","title":{"rendered":"Thoughts on Purity"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ryan and Selena Frederick reflect on meeting in 8th grade and the romance that unfolded. Desiring to keep their relationship pure, they decided to marry at 20 and 21 years old. They explain that waiting until marriage didn&#8217;t ensure them the fireworks they expected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-16.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:10","filesize":"24.88M","filesize_raw":"26090022","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2807,2088],"tags":[6720,2321,6719],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9559],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305348","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-engagements-and-weddings","category-romance-and-sex","tag-fierce-marriage","tag-sexual-purity","tag-waiting-for-marriage","cwp_profile-ryan-and-selena-frederick","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305348\/thoughts-on-purity","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305348\/thoughts-on-purity","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"TUfrhPajr0\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/thoughts-on-purity\/\">Thoughts on Purity<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/thoughts-on-purity\/embed\/#?secret=TUfrhPajr0\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Thoughts on Purity&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"TUfrhPajr0\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-16.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-16.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ryan and Selena Frederick believe that a strong marriage requires, from both a husband and a wife, a level of fierceness that is missing from a lot of marriages today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan<\/strong>: When you think of love, you don't think of apathy; right? You think of\u2014you care deeply, and there's a fierceness there\u2014like, if you love something deeply, you're going to fight for it. I think that's where that word, fierce, came from for us. We realized that, \u201cYes, there's that trend\u2014people tend to be more apathetic toward their covenant.\u201d We're saying: \u201cNo, this is worth fighting for. Fight for your marriage like everything is at stake\u201d; because, in a lot of ways, it is\u2014everything is at stake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> We give up too soon, as a generation\u2014we don't fight longer; we're just too ready to jump ship and go to the next thing. I think that it does take a fierceness and this tenacity that God gives us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, September 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Would you say, as a husband or as a wife, you have a fierce commitment to one another? We're going to talk about what that means today with Ryan and Selena Frederick. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, I don't think everybody can point to a moment that changed their marriage; but you guys can. You've talked about the moment that was transitional in your marriage, when on your 10<sup>th<\/sup> wedding anniversary, you confessed, Ann, that you'd lost your love for Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Bob, do you have to bring this up right now? [Laughter] It was the worst moment of my life!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It's the <em>best<\/em> moment of your life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It <em>is<\/em> the best moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because it was a turning point in your lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; we got on our knees and surrendered our marriage to God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I will say this\u2014I was just thinking about this the other day; we were talking about this\u2014when that moment happened, I honestly had this thought: \u201cNobody will ever, ever hear about this.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because you are embarrassed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was! I was sitting there, thinking, \u201cI never wanted this said by my wife, \u2018I lost my feelings for you.\u2019\u201d And I thought, \u201cThis will be our little thing.\u201d But you're right; it is the best moment, because God wanted to meet us there and then use it to help others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I'm thinking about all the couples you've shared your story with at <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways over the years\u2014and all of the couples, who have moments that have happened at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, like yours, that have been turning points\/pivotal moments in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, I'm bringing that up because right now, this week, we're encouraging <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to join us at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway. We've got dozens of these happening in cities all across the country this fall. If you sign up this week, you save 50 percent off the regular registration fee\u2014that's a special offer for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about dates\/locations\u2014get registered online; or call if you have any questions: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. We can register you over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis weekend will be the best investment you make in your marriage this year\/maybe, the best investment you make in your marriage <em>ever<\/em>. Find out more\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com and take advantage of the special offer this week to save \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t50 percent\u00a0 off the regular registration fee. Call 1-800-FL-TODAY, or look online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we've got a couple joining us who can point to a moment in their marriage that was a transitional moment. Ryan and Selena Frederick join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> Hey. Thanks for having us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Thanks for having us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Nice to have you both here. This moment we're talking about\u2014at some point in your book, you say, \u201cWe had two months of marriage that were magical, followed by twenty-two months that were filled with various kinds of fear.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Very true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, let's go back before the magic actually happened, because you met each other in the 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes; that's exactly right. My mom was actually a teacher, and she got a job as an administrator for a new private school. When she was interviewing for that job, I actually went with her\u2014I was in 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade, and I went with her\u2014and I sat through the classes while she was being interviewed. I was kind of a loner; I didn't like\u2014I wasn't very outgoing at all. I just kind of sat in the corner of gym class, and this girl runs out onto the basketball court. My heart dropped to the soles of my feet\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>In the 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade, you knew.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> She had no idea I existed\u2014whatsoever\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but I knew she was there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> I did <em>not<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>I was laser-focused. It took about two years to get up the confidence to talk to her, but here we are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You were high school sweethearts then.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> We were. Yes; yes. We were playing my favorite game in P.E. class, so I was pretty enthusiastic that day. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If he notices you right off, how long did it take for you to notice <em>him<\/em>?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Two years. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Two years!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>The first year, I didn't really notice him; but all the girls were like: \u201cOh, you know that Ryan kid? He's <em>so sweet<\/em>.\u201d And I said, \u201cWho?!\u201d [Laughter] \u201cRyan!\u201d \u201cI don't know who that is.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When and how did you notice <em>him<\/em>? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>His mom is an English teacher, so we were in an advanced English class together. He started speaking up and saying all these smart things; and I thought: \u201cWow! Who's this smart guy? He's kind of cute, too.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Thank you, John Steinbeck\u2014[Laughter]\u2014<em>The Grapes of Wrath<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That'll get a girl every time. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when she noticed you talking smart things from <em>The Grapes of Wrath<\/em>, was this kind of like, \u201cMy moment has finally come!\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>No; he was with someone else, sort of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> He was taking someone else to the\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I don't remember that part of the book!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don't remember that either, actually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>I kind of missed the boat; but I was like: \u201cThat's fine. We can be friends.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> Yes; our friendship, actually, was a more solid foundation because that blossomed into a relationship, about nine months later, I'd say. We were friends and then one summer I just said, \u201cHey, let's take this to the next level.\u201d We did the DTR [defining the relationship] talk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is that what you said? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> No. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: \u201c<\/strong>Let's take this to the next level\u201d? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That's pretty mature. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, that does sound like John Steinbeck. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want to know\u2014take us back to the moment when you, as a trembling 11<sup>th<\/sup> grader\u2014sat down to have the DTR talk with the girl that you've had the crush on, back in the 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Okay; you asked for it\u2014so we were at a friend's house doing a little campfire out in their backyard\u2014it was during the summertime. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>I think we had spent like all day together, but just not\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>\u2014like in a group of friends we were together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; just kind of eying each other and knowing that we both had feelings, I think; but just still kind of\u2014I don't know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes; I think we both knew it was the elephant in the room, for sure. I offered to give her a ride home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> And I just\u2014neither of us was talking. We hadn't talked a ton, but we <em>knew<\/em> like this conversation had to happen. [Laughter] Finally, I just\u2014you know, we started talking about it and ended up spending\u2014like what?\u2014three hours?\u2014in your driveway; we were just\u00a0 talking. I think one of the lines I said to you was, \u201cI wouldn't be\u201d\u2014this is so arrogant! [Laughter] But I was being honest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> \u201cI wouldn't date you unless I thought I could marry you,\u201d or \u201c\u2026we could get married.\u201d So, unless you're like marriage material\u2026\u201d basically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> And it's <em>true<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena<\/strong>: It <em>was<\/em> true. I took it for what is was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes. And it was absolutely true, obviously. We've been married 15\/16 years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, wait! Are you\u2014you\u2019re 17 years old, saying this to each other? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>That's what <em>he<\/em> said; he said it and I'm like, \u201cOkay, yes; that sounds good.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Where were you guys, spiritually, at this point? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> You know, pretty sold-out\u2014pretty much just wanted to live for Jesus and didn't see any other point in life. I think you were on the same page\u2014that's what was so cool about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When this guy says, \u201cI wouldn't date you unless I thought I could marry you,\u201d did that not freak you out a little bit? Or was it kind of like, \u201cThis is kind\u2014this is what I\u2019m hoping he would say\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>That's kind of what I was hoping for. And looking back, I hope our daughters never hear that at 17. [Laughter] At the time, I was very grateful for that kind of vocabulary from a guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That's like an advanced DTR, by the way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I mean, that's all the way to the end of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014for a 17-year-old. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I want to know\u2014because there are parents, listening, who are going, \u201cI'm praying right now that my kids will, at 17, say something like that\/be sold out for Jesus,\u201d and not\u2014you know, have the same ethos, when it comes to dating, that you guys [Dave and Ann] had. They want to know: \u201cWhat's the recipe to create little Ryans and Selenas in our home?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>I came from a single-parent home, and he came from a two-parent home. I think that the biggest thing that influenced <em>me<\/em> was my involvement with church\u2014and having those friends in that space; and the teaching that I had; and understanding God and His purpose and His will; and then going to school and having that, sort of in collaboration, helped me have my identity in Him and helped me form what I desired and what I valued. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll that to say\u2014is just I think that God can work, obviously, in any area, no matter where you're at. I think that community is huge. I mean, you [Ryan] guys met\u2014as high school guys\u2014once a week at six in the morning. They would read the Bible together and pray\u2014just kind of a\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>It was a really unique time, for sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> It was a unique time for sure, but I think that we were all kind of sold-out for God and wanting to know more about Him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014which really is every parent's dream. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you've seen the statistics\u2014the youth group kids, who are growing up today\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> We also did not have screens; we did not have cell phones\u2014and that's a huge, huge change.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Good point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> That's a <em>huge<\/em> change. We did not have screens; we had flip phones. We had a pager\u2014you had a pager. That's how old\u2014pager days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Oh, yes; I rocked the pager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, DTR\u2014this is before your senior year\/summer before your senior year? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> \u2014before our junior year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014before your <em>junior<\/em> year. So you've got junior year, and then senior year, and then college. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You guys are having to fight some feelings; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>That's one way to say it. [Laughter] Yes; so we did date two years in high school and two years in college.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>And then\u2014maintaining purity was hard, for sure. And we fought it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>We definitely fought <em>for<\/em> it. And at one point\u2014I think it was going into our sophomore year in college\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> \u2014I was like: \u201cThis is not getting any easier. I know this is the one that\u2014I want to spend my life with this girl; so I'm just going to sell my car, and buy a ring, and ask her to marry me,\u201d\u2014which I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Twenty and twenty-one when you got married?\u2014is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Exactly; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I know we talked about getting to that defining point in your marriage\u2014and we may have to delay that a little bit\u2014because just in talking about this, you grew up as kids in the purity culture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Very much, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014with the idea that that's the magic formula that will guarantee you\u2014in fact, you may have heard a youth group guy say: \u201cIf you want to have great intimacy when you get married, here's the key. You just stay pure\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou share in the book that that's just not the magic bullet\u2014being virgins, when you get married, is not the guarantee of amazing intimacy in marriage; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Absolutely. It's a learning curve. I think we went in\u2014you know, you kind of go in with some expectations and naivet\u00e9. But I think the cool thing about it is that you get to grow together with each other and in the covenant you made before God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did it surprise you that you were experiencing challenges, early in marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>\u2014in the intimacy area; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think that a lot of people assume, too, that: \u201cBecause we've waited, God will bless this; and it will be <em>amazing<\/em>.\u201d And it doesn't always happen like that; there's still adjusting\/there's still getting to know each other; and that can be hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; yes. I don't think it's something that happens to us all the time; right?\u2014it's something that we have to engage in and be a part of as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ryan, what were the biggest frustrations? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Well, expectations, I think, are always kind of the root of whatever the frustration is. Now, the challenge is: \u201cWhere do those expectations come from?\u201d; right?\u2014whether it's the youth pastor telling you that you're going to have amazing sex if you just hold out, or it's some other distortion that the world puts out; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think God was very gracious to us in that pornography was not a big part of my childhood. A lot of those expectations were driven by movies and other things like that\u2014so expecting her to be the awesome sex partner that you expected to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>God was also very gracious in that\u2014we haven't mentioned this yet\u2014my dad's a psychologist. He was very healthy in this area; he deals with a lot of sexual brokenness in a lot of couples. He wasn't like saying, \u201cHere, here\u2019s how to\u2026\u201d\u2014 he wasn't getting too detailed; but he was saying, basically, to be patient, communicate, talk through everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've come around to the point of generosity\/mutual generosity in that\u2014instead of the expectation: \u201cWhat can I get from you?\u201d\u2014right?\u2014as opposed to what I think the spirit of a healthy sex life is: \u201cWhat can I <em>give<\/em> to you?\u201d or \u201cHow can I love you in a way that you <em>feel<\/em> loved?\u201d\u2014not just get what I want from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So, when you were going through that in year one, how did you <em>talk<\/em> about it? I mean, did you handle it well, or was it really a struggle?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Man, I don't know that we really talked about it in a healthy way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; I don't think we knew <em>how<\/em> to talk about it, necessarily. We kind of: \u201cOkay; you want it this way, and I didn't know,\u201d\u2014or we didn't know\u2014and \u201cHow can we do this better?\u201d Then, you miss each other; or somebody's frustrated\u2014the mood is gone. [Laughter] It's escaped you, and you don't really know what to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>How would you coach young couples now? If you sit down and talk to them, how would you encourage them in this area?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> Give them the vocabulary; say, \u201cTo have these hard conversations\u2014talk about frequency, and what's important, and \u201cWhat are your expectations?\u201d\u2014all of them\u2014because I think there needs to be some demystification, maybe\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> \u2014of some expectations. I think that's okay; because there's this beautiful reality that God has designed and created for us that, sometimes, our expectations may not be the best that we need to experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod is just so good in how He designs everything and creates us to become one. I think trusting God's design, understanding His design\u2014again, all the way down to frequency; expectations; talking about his needs\/her needs; and \u201cHow can I love you well?\u201d; and what's comfortable and what's not? That's okay to talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, this whole issue of parents raising kids with an emphasis on purity\u2014I mean, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, we created a resource called <em>Passport2Purity<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>, <\/em>where parents can take their kids out and have a weekend and talk about these things. Part of it is that you want to impress on your kids, from an early age, God has a design for sex\u2014it's in marriage; that's where it belongs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat has almost come under attack a little bit from, even, inside the church today, with people who are saying that this emphasis on purity is an unhealthy thing for parents. And I'm going, \u201cWait, how can urging our kids to have a godly view of sexuality\u2014how can that be an unhealthy thing?\u201d\u00a0 I can understand how the perversion of that can be an unhealthy thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou've [Ryan and Selena] got kids now who are a long way away from these conversations or from these interests; but when your kids get to that age, will you do things differently than your youth pastor or your parents did with you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> I'm sure there'll be differences; but my emphasis, as a father, with two daughters\u2014and again, we have a third on the way; we don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet\u2014is to set a standard for what a loving male should look like in their life; right? So, I pray\u2014just this morning, we were talking about this; I'm like, \u201cMan, I pray for a husband to love these girls in a way that makes me feel like they're loved\u201d; right? I'll never not know\u2014I have to trust that God's going to care for them through their husbands.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt some point, that will change from exemplifying to actually teaching; right?\u2014and to actually getting interaction with them on what a healthy relationship is\u2014and the sexual component, in terms of purity, I do want to be very overt about: \u201cThere is a right, and there is a wrong.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> A lot of what you're responding to\u2014you're saying that some parents are saying that it's unhealthy to tell your kids how to live their lives. That's no good; because the Bible gives us a standard, and it's for our flourishing\/it's for our health. I think we are hurting our children if we're not just telling to them as straight as we can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I'm going to tell them: \u201cHere's what's right,\u201d and \u201cHere's what's wrong.\u201d I don't want to buy into the kind of cultural\u2014you know, whatever the culture is saying in terms of: \u201cHey, just go discover yourself. Try these things. Figure it out,\u201d\u2014that's not it at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>You're really good about telling and painting the picture of why\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That's what I was going to say, too\u2014the importance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; exactly\u2014and talking about <em>why<\/em> God designed it this way; and <em>why<\/em> it's how we're going to flourish; and when we decide <em>not<\/em> to do those things, of course, we're always working on the disobedience aspect; right? And training young children to understand the weight of their decisions\u2014not just: \u201cOkay; here's a decision you should and shouldn't do this\u2026\u201d\u2014but\u2014\u201c\u2026here are the reasons why\u2026This is why God wrote this in His Word. As your parent, I love you and I want to show you this brighter way so that you can have a more flourishing life. I don't want you to learn by mistake.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, I guess I understand that parents have to let their kids\u2014when they're older\u2014walk through brokenness. I imagine that's a very hard thing\u2014it's not so hard at five and three\u2014they kind of just break things, and it's not like life or death. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, for Dave and me, that was one of our frustrations. We didn't grow up in the church; and when we were told: \u201cThis is what God's Word says on purity\u2014to abstain until you\u2019re married,\u201d my question was: \u201cWhy? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: \u201c<\/strong>Why does God say that?\u201d And no one had answered that, so I think that's a really good question to talk to our kids about God's protection and consequences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The other thing I was going to say, too, was\u2014I remember when our first son got married\u2014I can remember seeing these boys\u2014all three of them\u2014in the mirror, getting ready for this wedding day for the one son. I heard the high school son, who is the younger brother, say to his brother that was getting married: \u201cDude; are you not so excited that you get to have sex every day, all the time?\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I remember that I had these alarms going off, like: \u201cIs that what his expectations are? [Laughter] Oh, man, I need to talk to him.\u201d I remember talking to him later and saying: \u201cHey; what do you think? What will that look like for you in terms of intimacy in marriage?\u201d And he's like: \u201cMan, I can't wait! It's going to be unbelievable.\u201d And so I was like: \u201cUm, alright. That's awesome.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She came to me and was like, \u201cWhat have you been telling these guys?\u201d [Laughter] I'm like, \u201cWell, I might have said that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I'm like: \u201cI need to set a little reality for you\u2014for your future and your wife\u2014and the realities of life, and kids, and all different kinds of things.\u201d But even to have that conversation with our kids of their expectations. I know that can seem really awkward, especially to a high schooler or middle schooler\u2014like, \u201cMom, what are you talking about?\u201d Dave was great at doing that. But I think that's important; because they come in with expectations, just as you said, Ryan, of what this is going to be like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Especially, if you've been waiting all your high school years and fighting all the urges that come along with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, setting expectations is helpful; but, also, like you said\u2014it's not just that God is trying to hold out on us. I think that's the lie that Adam and Eve\u2014you know the enemy said: \u201cHey, God doesn't want you to eat the fruit of this tree because He doesn't want you to find out something; He wants to hold something back from you,\u201d essentially. She bought that lie, and here we are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe truth is that God puts His commands in place for our flourishing; right? It's because He designed the universe to work in certain ways and humans to work in certain ways if we walk in step with the law He's given us; right? His laws are good; they're not bad. They're not things that are to hold us back. Yes, we have grace; we're not saved through the Law\u2014we're saved by grace\u2014but His laws are still good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think painting the pictures for our daughters has been so huge. The language we use now\u2014they're three and five\u2014is: \u201cIt will or will not go well with you\u201d; right? [Laughter] \u201cEvery time you argue with mommy\u2014you're not honoring her\/you're not respecting her\u2014it won't go well with you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd not just saying that but \u201cHere's what going well with you looks like\u2026\u201d\u2014you can walk in a certain level of blessing. In Matthew 5, in particular, the word, blessing, is used there; but a more adequate translation would have been \u201cflourishing,\u201d; right?\u2014so: \u201cBlessed are those who mourn\u201d; right?\u2014those different phrases. Flourishing is a biblical concept that I think we can really press into hard, as parents, with our kids. Showing them a picture of what it looks like to flourish is actually more compelling than to tell them <em>not<\/em> to do things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; let me loop back around to marriage; because couples, who have been married\u2014whatever their past was, sexually\u2014they'll experience challenges in the marriage relationship. You said kind of the paradigm shift that needs to happen is we need to be asking the question, \u201cHow can we be <em>giving<\/em> in this area?\u201d rather than be focused on our own interests, desires, and needs; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes; that's usually the one piece of advice that I give to young men, headed into marriage\u2014is: \u201cWhatever you can give to your wife, be generous. The tendency is to want to take and to want to receive. That's our insecurity, and that's our pride, and all these different things. But if we do, what is it?\u2014I John 4:19: \u2018We love because He first loved us.\u2019 That changes <em>everything<\/em>; it turns the entire script\u2014turns it upside down\u2014because He loved and He gave in such a generous way. Now, if I actually believe that, then my language turns from just taking to, now, I\u2019m actually being generous and trying to find those opportunities.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena<\/strong>: One thing you said is\u2014we can love because He first loved us; but we have to first understand that Christ is the standard of love, and understand the Bible's perspective, and obviously the definition of love; because it's very counter-cultural. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLove today is what we <em>feel<\/em>; it's something we can potentially fall out of. It is very self-serving, very all about me and my feelings. The Bible does not describe love like that, at all. It is a very active and sacrificial.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the descriptors of love in I Corinthians 13\u2014it does not seek its own; it's not self-seeking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that's true in every aspect of love in the marriage relationship. That's what fierce love looks like; that's what fierce marriage looks like. That's what you guys have written about in your book, which is called <em>Fierce Marriage: Radically Pursuing Each Other in Light of Christ's Relentless Love<\/em>. We've got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. I'd encourage listeners to get a copy of this book\u2014read through it together, as a couple; or get together with other couples and go through it, chapter by chapter. <em>Fierce Marriage<\/em> by Ryan and Selena Frederick. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201dF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, make plans this fall to come join us and be a part of one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. We're going to be hosting these getaways in more than three dozen cities across the country this fall. It's a <em>great<\/em> weekend getaway for you and your spouse\u2014you can relax, refresh, reconnect as a couple, and learn more about God's design for marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more or register online at FamilyLifeToday.com. If you register this week\u2014if we hear from you before the week is over\u2014you save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. That's a special offer we're making this week for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. Go online to register at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we're going to hear about a time, early in your marriage, before you had kids, when you faced a life-threatening situation\u2014one where you really had to lean in and ask the question, \u201cDo we trust God?\u201d when one of you was facing death. Ryan and Selena Frederick will be back with us again tomorrow to share about that. I hope you can be back with us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:10"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.88M"],"filesize_raw":["26090022"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305348.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305348.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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and Selena Frederick reflect on meeting in 8th grade and the romance that unfolded. Desiring to keep their relationship pure, they decided to marry at 20 and 21 years old. They explain that waiting until marriage didn't ensure them the fireworks they expected.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ryan and Selena Frederick believe that a strong marriage requires, from both a husband and a wife, a level of fierceness that is missing from a lot of marriages today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan<\/strong>: When you think of love, you don't think of apathy; right? You think of\u2014you care deeply, and there's a fierceness there\u2014like, if you love something deeply, you're going to fight for it. I think that's where that word, fierce, came from for us. We realized that, \u201cYes, there's that trend\u2014people tend to be more apathetic toward their covenant.\u201d We're saying: \u201cNo, this is worth fighting for. Fight for your marriage like everything is at stake\u201d; because, in a lot of ways, it is\u2014everything is at stake.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> We give up too soon, as a generation\u2014we don't fight longer; we're just too ready to jump ship and go to the next thing. I think that it does take a fierceness and this tenacity that God gives us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, September 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Would you say, as a husband or as a wife, you have a fierce commitment to one another? We're going to talk about what that means today with Ryan and Selena Frederick. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, I don't think everybody can point to a moment that changed their marriage; but you guys can. You've talked about the moment that was transitional in your marriage, when on your 10<sup>th<\/sup> wedding anniversary, you confessed, Ann, that you'd lost your love for Dave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Bob, do you have to bring this up right now? [Laughter] It was the worst moment of my life!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It's the <em>best<\/em> moment of your life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It <em>is<\/em> the best moment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014because it was a turning point in your lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; we got on our knees and surrendered our marriage to God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I will say this\u2014I was just thinking about this the other day; we were talking about this\u2014when that moment happened, I honestly had this thought: \u201cNobody will ever, ever hear about this.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Because you are embarrassed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was! I was sitting there, thinking, \u201cI never wanted this said by my wife, \u2018I lost my feelings for you.\u2019\u201d And I thought, \u201cThis will be our little thing.\u201d But you're right; it is the best moment, because God wanted to meet us there and then use it to help others. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I'm thinking about all the couples you've shared your story with at <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways over the years\u2014and all of the couples, who have moments that have happened at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, like yours, that have been turning points\/pivotal moments in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, I'm bringing that up because right now, this week, we're encouraging <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to join us at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway. We've got dozens of these happening in cities all across the country this fall. If you sign up this week, you save 50 percent off the regular registration fee\u2014that's a special offer for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about dates\/locations\u2014get registered online; or call if you have any questions: 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. We can register you over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis weekend will be the best investment you make in your marriage this year\/maybe, the best investment you make in your marriage <em>ever<\/em>. Find out more\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com and take advantage of the special offer this week to save \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t50 percent\u00a0 off the regular registration fee. Call 1-800-FL-TODAY, or look online at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we've got a couple joining us who can point to a moment in their marriage that was a transitional moment. Ryan and Selena Frederick join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> Hey. Thanks for having us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Thanks for having us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Nice to have you both here. This moment we're talking about\u2014at some point in your book, you say, \u201cWe had two months of marriage that were magical, followed by twenty-two months that were filled with various kinds of fear.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Very true. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, let's go back before the magic actually happened, because you met each other in the 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes; that's exactly right. My mom was actually a teacher, and she got a job as an administrator for a new private school. When she was interviewing for that job, I actually went with her\u2014I was in 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade, and I went with her\u2014and I sat through the classes while she was being interviewed. I was kind of a loner; I didn't like\u2014I wasn't very outgoing at all. I just kind of sat in the corner of gym class, and this girl runs out onto the basketball court. My heart dropped to the soles of my feet\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>In the 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade, you knew.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> She had no idea I existed\u2014whatsoever\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but I knew she was there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> I did <em>not<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>I was laser-focused. It took about two years to get up the confidence to talk to her, but here we are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You were high school sweethearts then.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> We were. Yes; yes. We were playing my favorite game in P.E. class, so I was pretty enthusiastic that day. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If he notices you right off, how long did it take for you to notice <em>him<\/em>?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Two years. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Two years!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>The first year, I didn't really notice him; but all the girls were like: \u201cOh, you know that Ryan kid? He's <em>so sweet<\/em>.\u201d And I said, \u201cWho?!\u201d [Laughter] \u201cRyan!\u201d \u201cI don't know who that is.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When and how did you notice <em>him<\/em>? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>His mom is an English teacher, so we were in an advanced English class together. He started speaking up and saying all these smart things; and I thought: \u201cWow! Who's this smart guy? He's kind of cute, too.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Thank you, John Steinbeck\u2014[Laughter]\u2014<em>The Grapes of Wrath<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That'll get a girl every time. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when she noticed you talking smart things from <em>The Grapes of Wrath<\/em>, was this kind of like, \u201cMy moment has finally come!\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>No; he was with someone else, sort of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oh!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> He was taking someone else to the\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I don't remember that part of the book!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don't remember that either, actually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>I kind of missed the boat; but I was like: \u201cThat's fine. We can be friends.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> Yes; our friendship, actually, was a more solid foundation because that blossomed into a relationship, about nine months later, I'd say. We were friends and then one summer I just said, \u201cHey, let's take this to the next level.\u201d We did the DTR [defining the relationship] talk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is that what you said? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> No. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: \u201c<\/strong>Let's take this to the next level\u201d? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That's pretty mature. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, that does sound like John Steinbeck. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I want to know\u2014take us back to the moment when you, as a trembling 11<sup>th<\/sup> grader\u2014sat down to have the DTR talk with the girl that you've had the crush on, back in the 8<sup>th<\/sup> grade. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Okay; you asked for it\u2014so we were at a friend's house doing a little campfire out in their backyard\u2014it was during the summertime. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>I think we had spent like all day together, but just not\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>\u2014like in a group of friends we were together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; just kind of eying each other and knowing that we both had feelings, I think; but just still kind of\u2014I don't know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes; I think we both knew it was the elephant in the room, for sure. I offered to give her a ride home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> And I just\u2014neither of us was talking. We hadn't talked a ton, but we <em>knew<\/em> like this conversation had to happen. [Laughter] Finally, I just\u2014you know, we started talking about it and ended up spending\u2014like what?\u2014three hours?\u2014in your driveway; we were just\u00a0 talking. I think one of the lines I said to you was, \u201cI wouldn't be\u201d\u2014this is so arrogant! [Laughter] But I was being honest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> \u201cI wouldn't date you unless I thought I could marry you,\u201d or \u201c\u2026we could get married.\u201d So, unless you're like marriage material\u2026\u201d basically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> And it's <em>true<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena<\/strong>: It <em>was<\/em> true. I took it for what is was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes. And it was absolutely true, obviously. We've been married 15\/16 years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, wait! Are you\u2014you\u2019re 17 years old, saying this to each other? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>That's what <em>he<\/em> said; he said it and I'm like, \u201cOkay, yes; that sounds good.\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Where were you guys, spiritually, at this point? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> You know, pretty sold-out\u2014pretty much just wanted to live for Jesus and didn't see any other point in life. I think you were on the same page\u2014that's what was so cool about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When this guy says, \u201cI wouldn't date you unless I thought I could marry you,\u201d did that not freak you out a little bit? Or was it kind of like, \u201cThis is kind\u2014this is what I\u2019m hoping he would say\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>That's kind of what I was hoping for. And looking back, I hope our daughters never hear that at 17. [Laughter] At the time, I was very grateful for that kind of vocabulary from a guy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That's like an advanced DTR, by the way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I mean, that's all the way to the end of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014for a 17-year-old. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I want to know\u2014because there are parents, listening, who are going, \u201cI'm praying right now that my kids will, at 17, say something like that\/be sold out for Jesus,\u201d and not\u2014you know, have the same ethos, when it comes to dating, that you guys [Dave and Ann] had. They want to know: \u201cWhat's the recipe to create little Ryans and Selenas in our home?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>I came from a single-parent home, and he came from a two-parent home. I think that the biggest thing that influenced <em>me<\/em> was my involvement with church\u2014and having those friends in that space; and the teaching that I had; and understanding God and His purpose and His will; and then going to school and having that, sort of in collaboration, helped me have my identity in Him and helped me form what I desired and what I valued. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll that to say\u2014is just I think that God can work, obviously, in any area, no matter where you're at. I think that community is huge. I mean, you [Ryan] guys met\u2014as high school guys\u2014once a week at six in the morning. They would read the Bible together and pray\u2014just kind of a\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>It was a really unique time, for sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> It was a unique time for sure, but I think that we were all kind of sold-out for God and wanting to know more about Him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014which really is every parent's dream. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you've seen the statistics\u2014the youth group kids, who are growing up today\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> We also did not have screens; we did not have cell phones\u2014and that's a huge, huge change.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Good point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> That's a <em>huge<\/em> change. We did not have screens; we had flip phones. We had a pager\u2014you had a pager. That's how old\u2014pager days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Oh, yes; I rocked the pager.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, DTR\u2014this is before your senior year\/summer before your senior year? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> \u2014before our junior year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014before your <em>junior<\/em> year. So you've got junior year, and then senior year, and then college. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You guys are having to fight some feelings; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>That's one way to say it. [Laughter] Yes; so we did date two years in high school and two years in college.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>And then\u2014maintaining purity was hard, for sure. And we fought it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>We definitely fought <em>for<\/em> it. And at one point\u2014I think it was going into our sophomore year in college\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> \u2014I was like: \u201cThis is not getting any easier. I know this is the one that\u2014I want to spend my life with this girl; so I'm just going to sell my car, and buy a ring, and ask her to marry me,\u201d\u2014which I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Twenty and twenty-one when you got married?\u2014is that right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Exactly; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I know we talked about getting to that defining point in your marriage\u2014and we may have to delay that a little bit\u2014because just in talking about this, you grew up as kids in the purity culture\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Very much, yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014with the idea that that's the magic formula that will guarantee you\u2014in fact, you may have heard a youth group guy say: \u201cIf you want to have great intimacy when you get married, here's the key. You just stay pure\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou share in the book that that's just not the magic bullet\u2014being virgins, when you get married, is not the guarantee of amazing intimacy in marriage; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Absolutely. It's a learning curve. I think we went in\u2014you know, you kind of go in with some expectations and naivet\u00e9. But I think the cool thing about it is that you get to grow together with each other and in the covenant you made before God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did it surprise you that you were experiencing challenges, early in marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>\u2014in the intimacy area; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think that a lot of people assume, too, that: \u201cBecause we've waited, God will bless this; and it will be <em>amazing<\/em>.\u201d And it doesn't always happen like that; there's still adjusting\/there's still getting to know each other; and that can be hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; yes. I don't think it's something that happens to us all the time; right?\u2014it's something that we have to engage in and be a part of as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ryan, what were the biggest frustrations? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Well, expectations, I think, are always kind of the root of whatever the frustration is. Now, the challenge is: \u201cWhere do those expectations come from?\u201d; right?\u2014whether it's the youth pastor telling you that you're going to have amazing sex if you just hold out, or it's some other distortion that the world puts out; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think God was very gracious to us in that pornography was not a big part of my childhood. A lot of those expectations were driven by movies and other things like that\u2014so expecting her to be the awesome sex partner that you expected to have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>God was also very gracious in that\u2014we haven't mentioned this yet\u2014my dad's a psychologist. He was very healthy in this area; he deals with a lot of sexual brokenness in a lot of couples. He wasn't like saying, \u201cHere, here\u2019s how to\u2026\u201d\u2014 he wasn't getting too detailed; but he was saying, basically, to be patient, communicate, talk through everything. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe've come around to the point of generosity\/mutual generosity in that\u2014instead of the expectation: \u201cWhat can I get from you?\u201d\u2014right?\u2014as opposed to what I think the spirit of a healthy sex life is: \u201cWhat can I <em>give<\/em> to you?\u201d or \u201cHow can I love you in a way that you <em>feel<\/em> loved?\u201d\u2014not just get what I want from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So, when you were going through that in year one, how did you <em>talk<\/em> about it? I mean, did you handle it well, or was it really a struggle?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Man, I don't know that we really talked about it in a healthy way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; I don't think we knew <em>how<\/em> to talk about it, necessarily. We kind of: \u201cOkay; you want it this way, and I didn't know,\u201d\u2014or we didn't know\u2014and \u201cHow can we do this better?\u201d Then, you miss each other; or somebody's frustrated\u2014the mood is gone. [Laughter] It's escaped you, and you don't really know what to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>How would you coach young couples now? If you sit down and talk to them, how would you encourage them in this area?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> Give them the vocabulary; say, \u201cTo have these hard conversations\u2014talk about frequency, and what's important, and \u201cWhat are your expectations?\u201d\u2014all of them\u2014because I think there needs to be some demystification, maybe\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena:<\/strong> \u2014of some expectations. I think that's okay; because there's this beautiful reality that God has designed and created for us that, sometimes, our expectations may not be the best that we need to experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod is just so good in how He designs everything and creates us to become one. I think trusting God's design, understanding His design\u2014again, all the way down to frequency; expectations; talking about his needs\/her needs; and \u201cHow can I love you well?\u201d; and what's comfortable and what's not? That's okay to talk about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, this whole issue of parents raising kids with an emphasis on purity\u2014I mean, here at FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, we created a resource called <em>Passport2Purity<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><em>, <\/em>where parents can take their kids out and have a weekend and talk about these things. Part of it is that you want to impress on your kids, from an early age, God has a design for sex\u2014it's in marriage; that's where it belongs. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat has almost come under attack a little bit from, even, inside the church today, with people who are saying that this emphasis on purity is an unhealthy thing for parents. And I'm going, \u201cWait, how can urging our kids to have a godly view of sexuality\u2014how can that be an unhealthy thing?\u201d\u00a0 I can understand how the perversion of that can be an unhealthy thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou've [Ryan and Selena] got kids now who are a long way away from these conversations or from these interests; but when your kids get to that age, will you do things differently than your youth pastor or your parents did with you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> I'm sure there'll be differences; but my emphasis, as a father, with two daughters\u2014and again, we have a third on the way; we don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet\u2014is to set a standard for what a loving male should look like in their life; right? So, I pray\u2014just this morning, we were talking about this; I'm like, \u201cMan, I pray for a husband to love these girls in a way that makes me feel like they're loved\u201d; right? I'll never not know\u2014I have to trust that God's going to care for them through their husbands.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt some point, that will change from exemplifying to actually teaching; right?\u2014and to actually getting interaction with them on what a healthy relationship is\u2014and the sexual component, in terms of purity, I do want to be very overt about: \u201cThere is a right, and there is a wrong.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan:<\/strong> A lot of what you're responding to\u2014you're saying that some parents are saying that it's unhealthy to tell your kids how to live their lives. That's no good; because the Bible gives us a standard, and it's for our flourishing\/it's for our health. I think we are hurting our children if we're not just telling to them as straight as we can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I'm going to tell them: \u201cHere's what's right,\u201d and \u201cHere's what's wrong.\u201d I don't want to buy into the kind of cultural\u2014you know, whatever the culture is saying in terms of: \u201cHey, just go discover yourself. Try these things. Figure it out,\u201d\u2014that's not it at all.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>You're really good about telling and painting the picture of why\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That's what I was going to say, too\u2014the importance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes; exactly\u2014and talking about <em>why<\/em> God designed it this way; and <em>why<\/em> it's how we're going to flourish; and when we decide <em>not<\/em> to do those things, of course, we're always working on the disobedience aspect; right? And training young children to understand the weight of their decisions\u2014not just: \u201cOkay; here's a decision you should and shouldn't do this\u2026\u201d\u2014but\u2014\u201c\u2026here are the reasons why\u2026This is why God wrote this in His Word. As your parent, I love you and I want to show you this brighter way so that you can have a more flourishing life. I don't want you to learn by mistake.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, I guess I understand that parents have to let their kids\u2014when they're older\u2014walk through brokenness. I imagine that's a very hard thing\u2014it's not so hard at five and three\u2014they kind of just break things, and it's not like life or death. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think, for Dave and me, that was one of our frustrations. We didn't grow up in the church; and when we were told: \u201cThis is what God's Word says on purity\u2014to abstain until you\u2019re married,\u201d my question was: \u201cWhy? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: \u201c<\/strong>Why does God say that?\u201d And no one had answered that, so I think that's a really good question to talk to our kids about God's protection and consequences.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> The other thing I was going to say, too, was\u2014I remember when our first son got married\u2014I can remember seeing these boys\u2014all three of them\u2014in the mirror, getting ready for this wedding day for the one son. I heard the high school son, who is the younger brother, say to his brother that was getting married: \u201cDude; are you not so excited that you get to have sex every day, all the time?\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I remember that I had these alarms going off, like: \u201cIs that what his expectations are? [Laughter] Oh, man, I need to talk to him.\u201d I remember talking to him later and saying: \u201cHey; what do you think? What will that look like for you in terms of intimacy in marriage?\u201d And he's like: \u201cMan, I can't wait! It's going to be unbelievable.\u201d And so I was like: \u201cUm, alright. That's awesome.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> She came to me and was like, \u201cWhat have you been telling these guys?\u201d [Laughter] I'm like, \u201cWell, I might have said that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I'm like: \u201cI need to set a little reality for you\u2014for your future and your wife\u2014and the realities of life, and kids, and all different kinds of things.\u201d But even to have that conversation with our kids of their expectations. I know that can seem really awkward, especially to a high schooler or middle schooler\u2014like, \u201cMom, what are you talking about?\u201d Dave was great at doing that. But I think that's important; because they come in with expectations, just as you said, Ryan, of what this is going to be like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Especially, if you've been waiting all your high school years and fighting all the urges that come along with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes, setting expectations is helpful; but, also, like you said\u2014it's not just that God is trying to hold out on us. I think that's the lie that Adam and Eve\u2014you know the enemy said: \u201cHey, God doesn't want you to eat the fruit of this tree because He doesn't want you to find out something; He wants to hold something back from you,\u201d essentially. She bought that lie, and here we are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe truth is that God puts His commands in place for our flourishing; right? It's because He designed the universe to work in certain ways and humans to work in certain ways if we walk in step with the law He's given us; right? His laws are good; they're not bad. They're not things that are to hold us back. Yes, we have grace; we're not saved through the Law\u2014we're saved by grace\u2014but His laws are still good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think painting the pictures for our daughters has been so huge. The language we use now\u2014they're three and five\u2014is: \u201cIt will or will not go well with you\u201d; right? [Laughter] \u201cEvery time you argue with mommy\u2014you're not honoring her\/you're not respecting her\u2014it won't go well with you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd not just saying that but \u201cHere's what going well with you looks like\u2026\u201d\u2014you can walk in a certain level of blessing. In Matthew 5, in particular, the word, blessing, is used there; but a more adequate translation would have been \u201cflourishing,\u201d; right?\u2014so: \u201cBlessed are those who mourn\u201d; right?\u2014those different phrases. Flourishing is a biblical concept that I think we can really press into hard, as parents, with our kids. Showing them a picture of what it looks like to flourish is actually more compelling than to tell them <em>not<\/em> to do things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; let me loop back around to marriage; because couples, who have been married\u2014whatever their past was, sexually\u2014they'll experience challenges in the marriage relationship. You said kind of the paradigm shift that needs to happen is we need to be asking the question, \u201cHow can we be <em>giving<\/em> in this area?\u201d rather than be focused on our own interests, desires, and needs; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ryan: <\/strong>Yes; that's usually the one piece of advice that I give to young men, headed into marriage\u2014is: \u201cWhatever you can give to your wife, be generous. The tendency is to want to take and to want to receive. That's our insecurity, and that's our pride, and all these different things. But if we do, what is it?\u2014I John 4:19: \u2018We love because He first loved us.\u2019 That changes <em>everything<\/em>; it turns the entire script\u2014turns it upside down\u2014because He loved and He gave in such a generous way. Now, if I actually believe that, then my language turns from just taking to, now, I\u2019m actually being generous and trying to find those opportunities.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena<\/strong>: One thing you said is\u2014we can love because He first loved us; but we have to first understand that Christ is the standard of love, and understand the Bible's perspective, and obviously the definition of love; because it's very counter-cultural. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLove today is what we <em>feel<\/em>; it's something we can potentially fall out of. It is very self-serving, very all about me and my feelings. The Bible does not describe love like that, at all. It is a very active and sacrificial.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> One of the descriptors of love in I Corinthians 13\u2014it does not seek its own; it's not self-seeking.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Selena: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that's true in every aspect of love in the marriage relationship. That's what fierce love looks like; that's what fierce marriage looks like. That's what you guys have written about in your book, which is called <em>Fierce Marriage: Radically Pursuing Each Other in Light of Christ's Relentless Love<\/em>. We've got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. I'd encourage listeners to get a copy of this book\u2014read through it together, as a couple; or get together with other couples and go through it, chapter by chapter. <em>Fierce Marriage<\/em> by Ryan and Selena Frederick. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201dF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, make plans this fall to come join us and be a part of one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. We're going to be hosting these getaways in more than three dozen cities across the country this fall. It's a <em>great<\/em> weekend getaway for you and your spouse\u2014you can relax, refresh, reconnect as a couple, and learn more about God's design for marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more or register online at FamilyLifeToday.com. If you register this week\u2014if we hear from you before the week is over\u2014you save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. That's a special offer we're making this week for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. Go online to register at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we're going to hear about a time, early in your marriage, before you had kids, when you faced a life-threatening situation\u2014one where you really had to lean in and ask the question, \u201cDo we trust God?\u201d when one of you was facing death. Ryan and Selena Frederick will be back with us again tomorrow to share about that. I hope you can be back with us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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