{"id":305322,"date":"2019-09-04T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-09-04T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/why-are-we-doing-this\/"},"modified":"2019-09-04T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-09-04T10:00:04","slug":"why-are-we-doing-this","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-are-we-doing-this\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Are We Doing This?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: Shelly Wildman | Series: First Ask Why | Shelly Wildman, author of the book, &#8220;First Ask Why,&#8221; talks about the guiding parenting principles she used to help her focus on the most important things. Wildman and her husband wanted to parent their three girls well, but they also wanted to know why they were doing what they were doing. For Wildman, that meant not just raising her kids to pursue the American dream, but to live lives on purpose and for God. Wildman explains God&#8217;s purpose for the family.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tDetermining Your Core Values, a 3 part process.\u00a0 Here&#8217;s a list to get you started.\u00a0 (4 min. read) https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/foundations\/godly-legacy\/determining-your-core-values\/<br \/>\n \tHas the FamilyLife Today\u00ae podcast and resources helped you?\u00a0 Learn more about becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Shelly Wildman talks about the guiding parenting principles she used to help her focus on the most important things. Wildman and her husband wanted to know why they were doing what they were doing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-04.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:13","filesize":"23.09M","filesize_raw":"24215495","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2806],"tags":[6706,6707,4353,4075],"podcast_series":[8299],"cwp_profile":[9558],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305322","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-spiritual-development","tag-first-ask-why","tag-parenting-pricinples","tag-raising-children","tag-teaching-your-children-about-christ","podcast_series-first-ask-why","cwp_profile-shelly-wildman","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305322\/why-are-we-doing-this","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305322\/why-are-we-doing-this","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"jBqjTgVFmk\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-are-we-doing-this\/\">Why Are We Doing This?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-are-we-doing-this\/embed\/#?secret=jBqjTgVFmk\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Why Are We Doing This?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"jBqjTgVFmk\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-04.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-04.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We all want kids who are well-behaved; right? That\u2019s important; but Shelly Wildman says it\u2019s not <em>the<\/em> most important thing for us to focus on, as parents.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Our goal, as parents, shouldn\u2019t be good behavior. Good behavior isn\u2019t enough; and frankly, counting on our kids\u2019 good behavior, you will be disappointed 99 percent of the time. [Laughter] But having hearts that are soft toward Jesus\/having hearts that are receptive to the gospel\u2014<em>that\u2019s<\/em> what we want. We want hearts that are easily moldable, shaped by the gospel.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, September 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. As you\u2019re raising your kids, are you focused more on their behavior or on what\u2019s going on in their heart? How do you reach their heart? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I want to know: \u201cDid the 19-year-old Ann Barron and the 22-year-old Dave Wilson, when you were engaged and planning to get married, did you talk about how many kids you wanted to have? Do you remember a conversation like that?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We knew that we wanted kids. I\u2019m not sure we talked about the number, but we wanted to reach the world for Jesus; and if our kids could do that with us\u2014like, \u201cThat\u2019d be cool if they did that with us,\u201d but I don\u2019t think we had a number in mind.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I don\u2019t remember us ever having a conversation.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, you didn\u2019t?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know if we had a conversation about: \u201cDo you want kids?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Okay.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think we both assumed: \u201cWe grew up in families; we were kids. Sure, that\u2019s what you do\u2014you get married; you have kids.\u201d\n\nPart of the thinking about all of this for me is to think\u2014when I think back on the whole parenting adventure for us, I think I had\u2014not 0; but on a scale of 1-10, in terms of intentionality, I was down in the 1 to 2. Here was my paradigm for parenting\u2014I spent five summers as a camp counselor at YMCA Camp Lakewood when I was in high school and in college. I loved being a camp counselor; I thought: \u201cI\u2019m ready for parenting. I\u2019ve been a camp counselor.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s way better than what we had.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You bring kids in; you show them a good time; you have fun; you put them to bed at night\u2014bingo!\u2014that\u2019s all you need. If you had asked me, \u201cWhat\u2019s your goal for your kids, and what\u2019s your planning\u2026\u201d No!\u2014I didn\u2019t know! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We didn\u2019t either.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cWe were just going to have fun, and then they\u2019re going to be grownups; and life will be good for them,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s kind of my plan for parenting.\n\nThen I came to FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and spent a quarter of a century with Dennis Rainey, whose kids said his name was Mr. Intentional about <em>everything<\/em>\u2014drove them crazy. I began to learn, \u201cOh, I guess you should actually have some strategies, or some plans, or some thinking.\u201d\n\nI bring this up because we have\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We have Mrs. Intentional!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wait, we can\u2019t say that. If Dennis is Mr. Intentional,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014this can\u2019t be Mrs. Intentional; because it\u2019s not Barbara. [Laughter] But it is Shelly Wildman, who\u2019s joining us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Shelly, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You had somebody who defined you as being intentional about parenting; right?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>I did; in fact, I describe it in the book. I said I looked over my shoulder to see if somebody was standing behind me, because a friend of mine\/a dear friend of mine said, \u201cYou are the most intentional parent I know.\u201d I was like, \u201cWhat are you even talking about?!\u201d I had <em>no<\/em> idea what that meant, and I was <em>far<\/em> from it.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You mentioned the book\u2014the book that Shelly has written is called <em>First Ask Why: Raising Kids to Love God Through Intentional Discipleship<\/em>.\n\nShelly was, for many years, a professor at Wheaton College in Wheaton, Illinois, and is the mother of three, now, adult children. This book is really about being purposeful. It\u2019s the kind of book that somebody should have given me,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014and us.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>\u2014and me! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014back at the beginning, to know, \u201cOkay; you do need to have some guiding principles that keep you focused on the big things,\u201d because for me, as a parent, it was about today and, maybe, next week\u2014not much beyond that.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, me, too. That\u2019s really why I wrote it; because I understand that we spend most of our time, as parents, <em>reacting<\/em> rather than thinking ahead.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you think that\u2019s true for most young parents today? Do you think they\u2019re just flying on automatic pilot and not really paying attention to specific goals\/big ideas?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Well, yes; I mean, I think there are some who are very intentional, and that\u2019s fantastic; but most of the young people I talk to\u2014I mean, as I was\u2014just trying to get through the day\/just trying to make it to bedtime.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think for Dave and I, too, we are first-generation believers. We didn\u2019t have a model of what it looked like to pour into our kids spiritually. I think Barbara and Dennis were probably the first couple\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>No, it was Bob and Mary Ann\u2014that\u2019s who it was. [Laughter] They were the intentional ones.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>The title of your book, <em>First Ask Why<\/em>\u2014why that title?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Well, after my friend said that to me about being the most intentional parent she knew, I thought, \u201cWell, you don\u2019t know very many parents then.\u201d I just got to thinking: \u201cWhat actually does that <em>mean<\/em>? What is intentionality? Why is it important?\u201d I realized that people I knew, who were intentional\u2014they had a bigger picture about their kids, about their family, about parenting.\n\nReally, this was 15 years in the making, you know. I thought about it and thought about it\u2014kind of had to wait and see how the kids turned out. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sure; right.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But you know, as I thought and thought about what intentionality is, where you get to that big picture is by asking: \u201cWhy?\u201d <em>not<\/em> \u201cHow?\u201d\n\nAs my husband I were raising our girls, we read parenting books, as you do. You\u2019re kind of in crisis most of the time; and we thought: \u201cOkay; we have to figure this out! We have to know what to do.\u201d [Laughter] We had a strong-willed child, let me tell you, so we went there.\n\nA lot of parenting books we found told us <em>how<\/em> to have great kids. They made what I thought might be promises that: \u201cWell, they don\u2019t know my kid. How do they know I\u2019m going to have a great kid if I do \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 and \u2018z\u2019<em>?\u201d<\/em> For <em>me<\/em>, there had to be more\u2014there had to be more. As I thought about our family, I thought: \u201cWell, why? Why are we doing what we\u2019re doing?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I\u2019ve said it this way: \u201cA lot of parents are just looking for the recipe.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s like: \u201cOkay; I know what I want is a good chocolate chip cookie; so tell me, \u2018What are the ingredients? How long do I bake them?\u2019\u201d and \u201cI would like a guarantee that, if I follow this recipe, that the kid\u2019s going to turn out well.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cIn fact, I will do <em>anything<\/em> if you can give me that guarantee.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What do you think the outcome\u2014what do most parents <em>want<\/em> their kids to become?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I think most parents\u2014I\u2019d be interested in your thoughts\u2014I think most parents are looking around, and they have lower-than-ideal goals. They want their kids to be functional adults. They want them to find somebody who they can do life with; you know, get married, have kids, have a good family for themselves; get a decent-paying job. It\u2019s kind of like we want them to fit into the American ideal. If we do that, and they\u2019re well-adjusted, and not in counseling and therapy twice a week, then we\u2019ve done our job and we should feel good about that.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I first started thinking about that\u2014I was with a group of pastors\u2019 wives, and we were talking about that: \u201cWhat do we want the outcome to be of our kids?\u201d One woman said: \u201cI just want my kids to be happy. I want them to be happy.\u201d I remember going home to tell Dave: \u201cI want my kids to have more than that, because happiness is <em>fleeting<\/em>. I want them to have a <em>vision<\/em> of what God has for them; I want them to know who they are. I want them to live on purpose for people and for God.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I don\u2019t think we even have that question in our mind, many times, as: \u201cWhat do we want?\u201d; but the \u201c<em>Why<\/em>?\u201d\u2014that was really intriguing to me.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s start there; you start your book there.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, I do.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think every parent needs to do it; and again, one of the foundational verses that I\u2019m guessing is where we start from is like: \u201cLike arrows in the hands of a warrior are the children of one\u2019s youth.\u201d So that image of shooting an arrow\u2014by the way, parents\u2014you know this; right?\u2014they\u2019re supposed to be launched; they\u2019re not supposed to stay in our house forever.\n\nBut when we launch them, the question most parents never ask is: \u201cWhat\u2019s the bullseye? What are we shooting for?\u2014happy, popular kids, who don\u2019t do drugs in high school, or is it something bigger?\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You start there. Tell us what the goal is.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Well, you know, I think <em>that<\/em> is <em>the<\/em> most important question: \u201cWhy are we here?\u201d\u2014not just for our kids\u2014but I find so many families today\u2014they are taking up space. You have however many people living under one roof together, and they don\u2019t know why: \u201cWhy has God brought us together? What are we here for?\u201d It <em>has<\/em> to be more than just, in my case, five people under one roof; because a lot of days, that\u2019s just not enough to keep us going. It\u2019s hard; it is hard living in a family. It\u2019s hard raising kids; it\u2019s hard being a parent.\n\nI really delve first, in the book, into: \u201cWhy are we here, as a family? What is God\u2019s <em>purpose<\/em> for us, as a family?\u201d As you turn to Scripture, and if you read Scripture through that lens of: \u201cWhat is God\u2019s purpose for me, as an individual?\u201d; but He has <em>so much<\/em> to say about families. One of the verses that I came across is Philippians 2:15\u2014[verses] 14 and 15, really. It talks about: \u201cDo not grumble; do not argue,\u201d because in this \u201ctwisted and crooked generation you are to shine as stars.\u201d\n\nI thought, \u201cYou know, God has a <em>reason<\/em> for us to be here. We, as believers, we have a much bigger purpose and that is to shine the light of Christ wherever we are.\u201d For me, that just says: \u201cOkay; then how are we going to do that, as a family?\u201d and \u201cWhat tools can I give my children so that <em>they<\/em> will go out and also be those stars that shine?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I need to tell\u2014you know, we already admitted we started, both of us, with no plan for parenting; but somewhere along the way, you guys, Dave and Ann, you developed a mission statement for your family. What prompted you to move from, \u201cOkay; we\u2019re just focused on them being happy and healthy today,\u201d to going, \u201cNo, this is about something bigger\u201d? Do you remember?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s what we just sort of jumped into. It\u2019s like, \u201cWell, the Word of God is our guiding Scripture, and it wasn\u2019t just \u2018have kids.\u2019\u201d I have to be honest; the first time we ever considered something bigger than, \u201cLet\u2019s have happy kids,\u201d was the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> as an engaged couple\u2014the last talk\u2014that we now do; for 30 years, we give that talk [as speakers].\n\nWe\u2019re sitting there, as a 22-year-old\/19-year-old, immature, ready to get married, never thinking, \u201cMarriage is bigger than us being happy,\u201d\u2014we learned that Friday\/Saturday. Then on Sunday, I heard this whole talk about legacy\u2014and a godly legacy\u2014because everybody\u2019s leaving a legacy; what kind of legacy?\n\nYou know, I\u2019m sitting there; that\u2019s the first time I ever thought, \u201cI can change what was handed to me from an alcoholic\u2014adultery. I can start something new for the Wilson name.\u201d That meant it\u2019s going to be somebody to outlast us\u2014it\u2019s going to be generations. That was the first discussion we ever had\u2014we weren\u2019t even married yet.\n\nMany discussions after that\u2014like: \u201cWhat are we going to raise?\u201d You don\u2019t just have kids and just, \u201cHey, let\u2019s get them in sports, and get them in school; and they\u2019re going to\u2026\u201d No, it has to be intentional! We\u2019re not the most intentional people in the world, but man oh man, we sat down and said, \u201cOkay; what\u2019s the bullseye?\u201d I tell you what\u2014I don\u2019t know if our kids could articulate it, but we had this statement in our head: \u201cWe wanted to raise L3 warriors that impact the world for the kingdom of God.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>L3?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>L3 was the three values of our church\u2014that we said, \u201cOkay; here\u2019s what we\u2019re trying to make, as disciples, at Kensington Church.\u201d I bet nobody at our church could tell you what this was; but it was: \u201cLove, Lock, Live: Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind\u2014and love others as well; Lock was lock arms in community; and then Live was live, open-handedly with your time, talent, and treasure.\u201d\n\nIt was this model of: Okay, if our sons grow up, and they are actually in love with God and others: the first commandment\u2014they\u2019re in community and doing life with other people, because they realize they can\u2019t do it alone; so they\u2019re in a church, and they\u2019re part of the church\u2014and then they\u2019re living their life\u2014like: \u2018It\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s about: \u201cHow does God want to use my talent, time, and treasure to bless others?\u201d\u2019\u201d\n\nAgain, I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s a perfect bullseye; but it gave us something to shoot at\u2014like: \u201cOkay; if that\u2019s the bullseye, now let\u2019s walk back and say, \u2018What\u2019s that mean for a week or for a day?\u2019 or \u2018How do we get to that?\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s the point\u2014now, daily decisions can be made, knowing, \u201cThat\u2019s what we\u2019re aiming for.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, did you come to a point in your parenting, where you developed that kind of a bullseye for your family?\u2014or was it, after you were done, when you said, \u201cOh, you should be intentional about this!\u201d?\n\n<strong>Shelly:<\/strong> Yes, we more fell into it than you guys did. I really encourage people, at the end of the book, to <em>do<\/em> that\u2014to write a mission statement to really think about what you\/your unique family is going to be intentional about.\n\nI think one of the really important ideas about finding God\u2019s purpose is that we are all different. How-to parenting books kind of assume that your family is this cookie-cutter family; but I look around and I think: \u201cYou know, my family, with my three children, had different challenges than my friend down the street. Their family looks <em>nothing<\/em> like my family.\u201d\n\nThere <em>are<\/em> some values that we should all share, obviously, and there are definite principles in Scripture that I think God <em>clearly<\/em> wants us to follow; but there are some things that, you know, we are all <em>so<\/em> different. I just really encourage families to figure out: \u201cWhat makes <em>them<\/em> unique? What challenges lie ahead of them? What strengths do they have? What are they really good at?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>What\u2019d you guys find out about the Wildman family? I know I just heard your license plate is \u201cWILDFAM.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, it is! Oh, thank you! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So you must have been a wild fam. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you\u2019re driving up at Wheaton, and you see the van with the \u201cWILDFAM\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>That\u2019s me; everybody knows.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>But even when you said that, I thought, \u201cOkay; there\u2019s a personality to the Wildmans that is unique to you.\u201d What is it?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, very unique. Well, we love to have fun. We laugh <em>all<\/em> the time. I think my Twitter description says, \u201cDinner at my house will involve laughter.\u201d We have a <em>great<\/em> time together.\n\nWe discovered some of our family personality, basically, through my husband\u2019s and my giftings. I have the gift of hospitality; I <em>love<\/em> to have people in my home. We told our kids, \u201cYou\u2019re going to have to give up your room every now and then if a missionary comes into town,\u201d\u2014or whoever; you know, if somebody needs a bed, we are going to be there; and we are going to provide a home and a warm welcome for people. My girls have kind of caught that, I think; they\u2019re wonderful, warm, welcoming kids.\n\nAnother value that my husband, especially\u2014he\u2019s gifted in generosity. He <em>loves<\/em> to give money away. We\u2019ve incorporated that into part of our family mission. I describe, in the chapter on money in the book, part of how we taught our girls about stewardship was\u2014 we sat down with them, a few years ago, and showed them exactly where we gave all of our money to for the past year. We explained why we gave money to those particular ministries or charities.\n\nWe said: \u201cNow, this year, you guys are getting a chunk of money. You need to come back at Thanksgiving. You do your research; you come back; you give a report to the family. We\u2019re all going to say, \u2018Yea,\u2019 or \u2018Nay,\u2019 and then Dad and I will give the money in your name.\u201d We\u2019ve just tried to help them become good stewards.\n\nIt wasn\u2019t necessarily where our kids were gifted, but my husband and I just tried to bring our kids along with what we felt like God wanted us to do.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Beautiful! I think, too, with our kids\u2014because our kids catch what we\u2019re passionate about and what our gifts are\u2014I remember, when our boys were little, probably starting at four\u2014so they\u2019d be anywhere from four to nine\u2014but I remember laying in bed with them and saying, \u201cI can\u2019t wait to see the gifts that God put into you.\u201d\n\nI remember them saying, \u201cIs it a present?\u201d I said, \u201cIt is kind of a present\u2014because when you discover the gifts, the talents, what you\u2019re good at\u2014when you discover that, it\u2019s like a present; because you realize you\u2019re here on purpose for a purpose.\u201d I remember they were little, and they didn\u2019t really get it\u2014but kind of reiterating that\u2014and even saying, \u201cAnd CJ\u2019s really different than Austin; isn\u2019t that cool?\u2014because Austin\u2019s going to do something different.\u201d It made them anticipate, \u201cGod has something for me.\u201d\n\nI think all of us, at some time or some point, wonder, \u201cWhy am I here?\u201d Kids, especially, need to know that.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; in fact, you make the point in the book\u2014and this was something I wish somebody had told us on the front-end\u2014you say the vision for your kids should not be to raise good kids.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think, for us, that was so consuming\u2014we wanted our kids to be well-behaved; and we wanted our kids to act right and be right, maybe to the point that we lost sight of the bigger picture about: \u201cWho has God made you?\u201d and \u201cWhat mission are you on?\u201d\n\nNow, you\u2019re not saying it doesn\u2019t matter whether your kids are good kids or not.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>No, because there is a chapter on self-discipline. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But there\u2019s a difference between a parent, who is focused on raising good kids and a parent, who\u2019s focused on raising missional kids.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, and I\u2019m glad you brought that up, Bob; because our goal, as parents, shouldn\u2019t be good behavior. Good behavior isn\u2019t enough. Frankly, counting on our kids\u2019 good behavior, you will be disappointed 99 percent of the time. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Exactly!\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But having hearts that are soft toward Jesus\/having hearts that are receptive to the gospel, <em>that\u2019s<\/em> what we want. We want hearts that are easily moldable, shaped by the gospel.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>As you said, it\u2019s so easy to focus sort of on the external behavior, not the internal.\n\nI\u2019ll tell you another pastor I heard articulate their vision for their kids. He had six kids; and he said this, \u201cOur bullseye\/our goal was single-minded, Christ-centered, biblically-anchored world changers.\u201d It was really interesting\u2014as I heard him articulate that, the single-minded is what we\u2019ve just been talking about. He said each child is uniquely different. So many parents say, \u201cI want my kid to be well-rounded and do every sport and everything\u201d; and he goes: \u201cWhy? I don\u2019t look for employees that are well-rounded; I look for employees who are gifted in one specific area. So find out what that is and nurture that\/fan that.\u201d\n\nChrist-centered is not church-centered; it\u2019s <em>Christ<\/em>-centered\u2014like He\u2019s the center of the life. Biblically-anchored is: \u201cThis is our source of truth\u201d; and world-changers is\u2014you know. I just thought, \u201cWow, what\u2014another way to articulate what you\u2019ve just said in your book: \u201cAsk, \u2018Why?\u2019 and then shoot for that.\u201d\n\nI would say, \u201cMan, one of the things listeners could do, right now, is say, \u2018Okay; what\u2019s ours?\u2019\u201d Sit down tonight and have a conversation and say, \u201cLet\u2019s write something down that will be uniquely the Wilsons\u2019, the Wildmans\u2019, the Lepines\u2019\u2014that\u2019s still biblical\u2014but what are we going to shoot at?\u201d\n\nOne of the things we did that was real interesting\u2014you talk about a scary thing\u2014we asked our kids, at one point, \u201cWhat are the Wilsons about?\u201d Man, that was a scary answer!\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It was terrible\u2014I\u2019m just going to say.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cWhat does it mean to be a Wilson?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cWhat matters to us?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cWhat do you think matters to us?\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>I think we\u2019ve asked that question, too.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cWhat do you think are our values?\u201d You know what the number-one answer was?\u2014\u201cSports!\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It was <em>convicting<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know where they got that, Bob. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But you know what?\u2014that\u2019s not a terrible thing! I mean, God <em>uses<\/em> that. I have a couple good friends, whose kids have made it\u2014one just got drafted into the NFL, and they <em>are<\/em> using sports to the glory of God.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But it\u2019s that idea that we are here for so much more.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and your point is: \u201cThe glory of God is what\u2019s driving it, not the NFL.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes; yes; absolutely.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So if they think sports is the number-one thing, then getting drafted into the NFL is the end of the game; but if they think the glory of God is the number-one thing, now the NFL is just a means to that end.\n\nI think your challenge, Dave, is a great challenge. In fact, I think this book\u2014you might say, \u201cWe couldn\u2019t do that; wouldn\u2019t know where to start.\u201d Okay; get a copy of <em>First Ask Why<\/em>\u2014read through it together; highlight stuff as you go through it\u2014then do the exercise of saying, \u201cOkay; let\u2019s identify, \u2018What is it that we are going to be pointing toward so that the decisions we face about, \u201cShould our kids do soccer or drama?\u201d or \u201cShould they take the clarinet lesson?\u2019 or \u201cShould they do\u2026\u201d\u2014all of that can be driven by, \u201cWhy?\u201d\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And for a single parent, pull in your friends.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ask some other people; get around them and kind of hash through what that could look like for you.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You can get a copy of Shelly\u2019s book\u2014it\u2019s called <em>First Ask Why<\/em>\u2014when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order it from us online, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the title of the book is <em>First Ask Why: Raising Kids to Love God Through Intentional Discipleship<\/em>. The author is Shelly Wildman. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nYou know, this issue of intentional discipleship is something that we\u2019re passionate about, here, at FamilyLife. It\u2019s the reason that we produced the video series the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> as a companion to Dennis and Barbara\u2019s book by that same title. We\u2019re thrilled at how small groups and churches are starting to use this content in classes at their church. We\u2019re also excited to see how it\u2019s being used in Central and South America, as it\u2019s been translated into Spanish.\n\nBecause of all of you guys\u2014those of you who responded during the month of August to the matching-gift challenge that was in front of us, because we were able to take full advantage of that match, we\u2019re able to move forward with plans to translate the<em> Art of Parenting<\/em> into Arabic and into Mandarin. I mean, just imagine the impact of parents learning how to, intentionally, disciple their children by going through the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em>.\n\nThanks for making that happen\u2014those of you who donated during the month of August\u2014and thanks to those of you who regularly remember the financial needs of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. We\u2019re listener-supported. Every day that we are on the air, we\u2019re here because somebody, who\u2019s a listener, just like you, has made that possible through their donations. If you\u2019d like to support this ministry and see the reach extended and expanded, you can make a donation today, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Thanks for partnering with us in this ministry. We appreciate you.\n\nWe hope you can be back with us tomorrow as we continue to talk about how we raise kids who can stand for Jesus when we\u2019re not there to help hold them up. Shelly Wildman joins us, again, tomorrow. We hope you can join us as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\n<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\n1"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:25:13"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.09M"],"filesize_raw":["24215495"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305322.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305322.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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Wildman talks about the guiding parenting principles she used to help her focus on the most important things. Wildman and her husband wanted to know why they were doing what they were doing.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We all want kids who are well-behaved; right? That\u2019s important; but Shelly Wildman says it\u2019s not <em>the<\/em> most important thing for us to focus on, as parents.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Our goal, as parents, shouldn\u2019t be good behavior. Good behavior isn\u2019t enough; and frankly, counting on our kids\u2019 good behavior, you will be disappointed 99 percent of the time. [Laughter] But having hearts that are soft toward Jesus\/having hearts that are receptive to the gospel\u2014<em>that\u2019s<\/em> what we want. We want hearts that are easily moldable, shaped by the gospel.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, September 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. As you\u2019re raising your kids, are you focused more on their behavior or on what\u2019s going on in their heart? How do you reach their heart? We\u2019re going to talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I want to know: \u201cDid the 19-year-old Ann Barron and the 22-year-old Dave Wilson, when you were engaged and planning to get married, did you talk about how many kids you wanted to have? Do you remember a conversation like that?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We knew that we wanted kids. I\u2019m not sure we talked about the number, but we wanted to reach the world for Jesus; and if our kids could do that with us\u2014like, \u201cThat\u2019d be cool if they did that with us,\u201d but I don\u2019t think we had a number in mind.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I don\u2019t remember us ever having a conversation.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, you didn\u2019t?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know if we had a conversation about: \u201cDo you want kids?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Okay.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think we both assumed: \u201cWe grew up in families; we were kids. Sure, that\u2019s what you do\u2014you get married; you have kids.\u201d\n\nPart of the thinking about all of this for me is to think\u2014when I think back on the whole parenting adventure for us, I think I had\u2014not 0; but on a scale of 1-10, in terms of intentionality, I was down in the 1 to 2. Here was my paradigm for parenting\u2014I spent five summers as a camp counselor at YMCA Camp Lakewood when I was in high school and in college. I loved being a camp counselor; I thought: \u201cI\u2019m ready for parenting. I\u2019ve been a camp counselor.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s way better than what we had.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You bring kids in; you show them a good time; you have fun; you put them to bed at night\u2014bingo!\u2014that\u2019s all you need. If you had asked me, \u201cWhat\u2019s your goal for your kids, and what\u2019s your planning\u2026\u201d No!\u2014I didn\u2019t know! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We didn\u2019t either.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cWe were just going to have fun, and then they\u2019re going to be grownups; and life will be good for them,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s kind of my plan for parenting.\n\nThen I came to FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and spent a quarter of a century with Dennis Rainey, whose kids said his name was Mr. Intentional about <em>everything<\/em>\u2014drove them crazy. I began to learn, \u201cOh, I guess you should actually have some strategies, or some plans, or some thinking.\u201d\n\nI bring this up because we have\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We have Mrs. Intentional!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wait, we can\u2019t say that. If Dennis is Mr. Intentional,\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, that\u2019s true.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014this can\u2019t be Mrs. Intentional; because it\u2019s not Barbara. [Laughter] But it is Shelly Wildman, who\u2019s joining us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Shelly, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You had somebody who defined you as being intentional about parenting; right?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>I did; in fact, I describe it in the book. I said I looked over my shoulder to see if somebody was standing behind me, because a friend of mine\/a dear friend of mine said, \u201cYou are the most intentional parent I know.\u201d I was like, \u201cWhat are you even talking about?!\u201d I had <em>no<\/em> idea what that meant, and I was <em>far<\/em> from it.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You mentioned the book\u2014the book that Shelly has written is called <em>First Ask Why: Raising Kids to Love God Through Intentional Discipleship<\/em>.\n\nShelly was, for many years, a professor at Wheaton College in Wheaton, Illinois, and is the mother of three, now, adult children. This book is really about being purposeful. It\u2019s the kind of book that somebody should have given me,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014and us.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>\u2014and me! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014back at the beginning, to know, \u201cOkay; you do need to have some guiding principles that keep you focused on the big things,\u201d because for me, as a parent, it was about today and, maybe, next week\u2014not much beyond that.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, me, too. That\u2019s really why I wrote it; because I understand that we spend most of our time, as parents, <em>reacting<\/em> rather than thinking ahead.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you think that\u2019s true for most young parents today? Do you think they\u2019re just flying on automatic pilot and not really paying attention to specific goals\/big ideas?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Well, yes; I mean, I think there are some who are very intentional, and that\u2019s fantastic; but most of the young people I talk to\u2014I mean, as I was\u2014just trying to get through the day\/just trying to make it to bedtime.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think for Dave and I, too, we are first-generation believers. We didn\u2019t have a model of what it looked like to pour into our kids spiritually. I think Barbara and Dennis were probably the first couple\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>No, it was Bob and Mary Ann\u2014that\u2019s who it was. [Laughter] They were the intentional ones.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>The title of your book, <em>First Ask Why<\/em>\u2014why that title?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Well, after my friend said that to me about being the most intentional parent she knew, I thought, \u201cWell, you don\u2019t know very many parents then.\u201d I just got to thinking: \u201cWhat actually does that <em>mean<\/em>? What is intentionality? Why is it important?\u201d I realized that people I knew, who were intentional\u2014they had a bigger picture about their kids, about their family, about parenting.\n\nReally, this was 15 years in the making, you know. I thought about it and thought about it\u2014kind of had to wait and see how the kids turned out. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Sure; right.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But you know, as I thought and thought about what intentionality is, where you get to that big picture is by asking: \u201cWhy?\u201d <em>not<\/em> \u201cHow?\u201d\n\nAs my husband I were raising our girls, we read parenting books, as you do. You\u2019re kind of in crisis most of the time; and we thought: \u201cOkay; we have to figure this out! We have to know what to do.\u201d [Laughter] We had a strong-willed child, let me tell you, so we went there.\n\nA lot of parenting books we found told us <em>how<\/em> to have great kids. They made what I thought might be promises that: \u201cWell, they don\u2019t know my kid. How do they know I\u2019m going to have a great kid if I do \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 and \u2018z\u2019<em>?\u201d<\/em> For <em>me<\/em>, there had to be more\u2014there had to be more. As I thought about our family, I thought: \u201cWell, why? Why are we doing what we\u2019re doing?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I\u2019ve said it this way: \u201cA lot of parents are just looking for the recipe.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s like: \u201cOkay; I know what I want is a good chocolate chip cookie; so tell me, \u2018What are the ingredients? How long do I bake them?\u2019\u201d and \u201cI would like a guarantee that, if I follow this recipe, that the kid\u2019s going to turn out well.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cIn fact, I will do <em>anything<\/em> if you can give me that guarantee.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What do you think the outcome\u2014what do most parents <em>want<\/em> their kids to become?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I think most parents\u2014I\u2019d be interested in your thoughts\u2014I think most parents are looking around, and they have lower-than-ideal goals. They want their kids to be functional adults. They want them to find somebody who they can do life with; you know, get married, have kids, have a good family for themselves; get a decent-paying job. It\u2019s kind of like we want them to fit into the American ideal. If we do that, and they\u2019re well-adjusted, and not in counseling and therapy twice a week, then we\u2019ve done our job and we should feel good about that.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I first started thinking about that\u2014I was with a group of pastors\u2019 wives, and we were talking about that: \u201cWhat do we want the outcome to be of our kids?\u201d One woman said: \u201cI just want my kids to be happy. I want them to be happy.\u201d I remember going home to tell Dave: \u201cI want my kids to have more than that, because happiness is <em>fleeting<\/em>. I want them to have a <em>vision<\/em> of what God has for them; I want them to know who they are. I want them to live on purpose for people and for God.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I don\u2019t think we even have that question in our mind, many times, as: \u201cWhat do we want?\u201d; but the \u201c<em>Why<\/em>?\u201d\u2014that was really intriguing to me.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s start there; you start your book there.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, I do.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think every parent needs to do it; and again, one of the foundational verses that I\u2019m guessing is where we start from is like: \u201cLike arrows in the hands of a warrior are the children of one\u2019s youth.\u201d So that image of shooting an arrow\u2014by the way, parents\u2014you know this; right?\u2014they\u2019re supposed to be launched; they\u2019re not supposed to stay in our house forever.\n\nBut when we launch them, the question most parents never ask is: \u201cWhat\u2019s the bullseye? What are we shooting for?\u2014happy, popular kids, who don\u2019t do drugs in high school, or is it something bigger?\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You start there. Tell us what the goal is.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Well, you know, I think <em>that<\/em> is <em>the<\/em> most important question: \u201cWhy are we here?\u201d\u2014not just for our kids\u2014but I find so many families today\u2014they are taking up space. You have however many people living under one roof together, and they don\u2019t know why: \u201cWhy has God brought us together? What are we here for?\u201d It <em>has<\/em> to be more than just, in my case, five people under one roof; because a lot of days, that\u2019s just not enough to keep us going. It\u2019s hard; it is hard living in a family. It\u2019s hard raising kids; it\u2019s hard being a parent.\n\nI really delve first, in the book, into: \u201cWhy are we here, as a family? What is God\u2019s <em>purpose<\/em> for us, as a family?\u201d As you turn to Scripture, and if you read Scripture through that lens of: \u201cWhat is God\u2019s purpose for me, as an individual?\u201d; but He has <em>so much<\/em> to say about families. One of the verses that I came across is Philippians 2:15\u2014[verses] 14 and 15, really. It talks about: \u201cDo not grumble; do not argue,\u201d because in this \u201ctwisted and crooked generation you are to shine as stars.\u201d\n\nI thought, \u201cYou know, God has a <em>reason<\/em> for us to be here. We, as believers, we have a much bigger purpose and that is to shine the light of Christ wherever we are.\u201d For me, that just says: \u201cOkay; then how are we going to do that, as a family?\u201d and \u201cWhat tools can I give my children so that <em>they<\/em> will go out and also be those stars that shine?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I need to tell\u2014you know, we already admitted we started, both of us, with no plan for parenting; but somewhere along the way, you guys, Dave and Ann, you developed a mission statement for your family. What prompted you to move from, \u201cOkay; we\u2019re just focused on them being happy and healthy today,\u201d to going, \u201cNo, this is about something bigger\u201d? Do you remember?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s what we just sort of jumped into. It\u2019s like, \u201cWell, the Word of God is our guiding Scripture, and it wasn\u2019t just \u2018have kids.\u2019\u201d I have to be honest; the first time we ever considered something bigger than, \u201cLet\u2019s have happy kids,\u201d was the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> as an engaged couple\u2014the last talk\u2014that we now do; for 30 years, we give that talk [as speakers].\n\nWe\u2019re sitting there, as a 22-year-old\/19-year-old, immature, ready to get married, never thinking, \u201cMarriage is bigger than us being happy,\u201d\u2014we learned that Friday\/Saturday. Then on Sunday, I heard this whole talk about legacy\u2014and a godly legacy\u2014because everybody\u2019s leaving a legacy; what kind of legacy?\n\nYou know, I\u2019m sitting there; that\u2019s the first time I ever thought, \u201cI can change what was handed to me from an alcoholic\u2014adultery. I can start something new for the Wilson name.\u201d That meant it\u2019s going to be somebody to outlast us\u2014it\u2019s going to be generations. That was the first discussion we ever had\u2014we weren\u2019t even married yet.\n\nMany discussions after that\u2014like: \u201cWhat are we going to raise?\u201d You don\u2019t just have kids and just, \u201cHey, let\u2019s get them in sports, and get them in school; and they\u2019re going to\u2026\u201d No, it has to be intentional! We\u2019re not the most intentional people in the world, but man oh man, we sat down and said, \u201cOkay; what\u2019s the bullseye?\u201d I tell you what\u2014I don\u2019t know if our kids could articulate it, but we had this statement in our head: \u201cWe wanted to raise L3 warriors that impact the world for the kingdom of God.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>L3?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>L3 was the three values of our church\u2014that we said, \u201cOkay; here\u2019s what we\u2019re trying to make, as disciples, at Kensington Church.\u201d I bet nobody at our church could tell you what this was; but it was: \u201cLove, Lock, Live: Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind\u2014and love others as well; Lock was lock arms in community; and then Live was live, open-handedly with your time, talent, and treasure.\u201d\n\nIt was this model of: Okay, if our sons grow up, and they are actually in love with God and others: the first commandment\u2014they\u2019re in community and doing life with other people, because they realize they can\u2019t do it alone; so they\u2019re in a church, and they\u2019re part of the church\u2014and then they\u2019re living their life\u2014like: \u2018It\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s about: \u201cHow does God want to use my talent, time, and treasure to bless others?\u201d\u2019\u201d\n\nAgain, I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s a perfect bullseye; but it gave us something to shoot at\u2014like: \u201cOkay; if that\u2019s the bullseye, now let\u2019s walk back and say, \u2018What\u2019s that mean for a week or for a day?\u2019 or \u2018How do we get to that?\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s the point\u2014now, daily decisions can be made, knowing, \u201cThat\u2019s what we\u2019re aiming for.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Exactly.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, did you come to a point in your parenting, where you developed that kind of a bullseye for your family?\u2014or was it, after you were done, when you said, \u201cOh, you should be intentional about this!\u201d?\n\n<strong>Shelly:<\/strong> Yes, we more fell into it than you guys did. I really encourage people, at the end of the book, to <em>do<\/em> that\u2014to write a mission statement to really think about what you\/your unique family is going to be intentional about.\n\nI think one of the really important ideas about finding God\u2019s purpose is that we are all different. How-to parenting books kind of assume that your family is this cookie-cutter family; but I look around and I think: \u201cYou know, my family, with my three children, had different challenges than my friend down the street. Their family looks <em>nothing<\/em> like my family.\u201d\n\nThere <em>are<\/em> some values that we should all share, obviously, and there are definite principles in Scripture that I think God <em>clearly<\/em> wants us to follow; but there are some things that, you know, we are all <em>so<\/em> different. I just really encourage families to figure out: \u201cWhat makes <em>them<\/em> unique? What challenges lie ahead of them? What strengths do they have? What are they really good at?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>What\u2019d you guys find out about the Wildman family? I know I just heard your license plate is \u201cWILDFAM.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, it is! Oh, thank you! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So you must have been a wild fam. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you\u2019re driving up at Wheaton, and you see the van with the \u201cWILDFAM\u201d\u2014\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>That\u2019s me; everybody knows.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>But even when you said that, I thought, \u201cOkay; there\u2019s a personality to the Wildmans that is unique to you.\u201d What is it?\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, very unique. Well, we love to have fun. We laugh <em>all<\/em> the time. I think my Twitter description says, \u201cDinner at my house will involve laughter.\u201d We have a <em>great<\/em> time together.\n\nWe discovered some of our family personality, basically, through my husband\u2019s and my giftings. I have the gift of hospitality; I <em>love<\/em> to have people in my home. We told our kids, \u201cYou\u2019re going to have to give up your room every now and then if a missionary comes into town,\u201d\u2014or whoever; you know, if somebody needs a bed, we are going to be there; and we are going to provide a home and a warm welcome for people. My girls have kind of caught that, I think; they\u2019re wonderful, warm, welcoming kids.\n\nAnother value that my husband, especially\u2014he\u2019s gifted in generosity. He <em>loves<\/em> to give money away. We\u2019ve incorporated that into part of our family mission. I describe, in the chapter on money in the book, part of how we taught our girls about stewardship was\u2014 we sat down with them, a few years ago, and showed them exactly where we gave all of our money to for the past year. We explained why we gave money to those particular ministries or charities.\n\nWe said: \u201cNow, this year, you guys are getting a chunk of money. You need to come back at Thanksgiving. You do your research; you come back; you give a report to the family. We\u2019re all going to say, \u2018Yea,\u2019 or \u2018Nay,\u2019 and then Dad and I will give the money in your name.\u201d We\u2019ve just tried to help them become good stewards.\n\nIt wasn\u2019t necessarily where our kids were gifted, but my husband and I just tried to bring our kids along with what we felt like God wanted us to do.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Beautiful! I think, too, with our kids\u2014because our kids catch what we\u2019re passionate about and what our gifts are\u2014I remember, when our boys were little, probably starting at four\u2014so they\u2019d be anywhere from four to nine\u2014but I remember laying in bed with them and saying, \u201cI can\u2019t wait to see the gifts that God put into you.\u201d\n\nI remember them saying, \u201cIs it a present?\u201d I said, \u201cIt is kind of a present\u2014because when you discover the gifts, the talents, what you\u2019re good at\u2014when you discover that, it\u2019s like a present; because you realize you\u2019re here on purpose for a purpose.\u201d I remember they were little, and they didn\u2019t really get it\u2014but kind of reiterating that\u2014and even saying, \u201cAnd CJ\u2019s really different than Austin; isn\u2019t that cool?\u2014because Austin\u2019s going to do something different.\u201d It made them anticipate, \u201cGod has something for me.\u201d\n\nI think all of us, at some time or some point, wonder, \u201cWhy am I here?\u201d Kids, especially, need to know that.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; in fact, you make the point in the book\u2014and this was something I wish somebody had told us on the front-end\u2014you say the vision for your kids should not be to raise good kids.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think, for us, that was so consuming\u2014we wanted our kids to be well-behaved; and we wanted our kids to act right and be right, maybe to the point that we lost sight of the bigger picture about: \u201cWho has God made you?\u201d and \u201cWhat mission are you on?\u201d\n\nNow, you\u2019re not saying it doesn\u2019t matter whether your kids are good kids or not.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>No, because there is a chapter on self-discipline. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But there\u2019s a difference between a parent, who is focused on raising good kids and a parent, who\u2019s focused on raising missional kids.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes, and I\u2019m glad you brought that up, Bob; because our goal, as parents, shouldn\u2019t be good behavior. Good behavior isn\u2019t enough. Frankly, counting on our kids\u2019 good behavior, you will be disappointed 99 percent of the time. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Exactly!\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But having hearts that are soft toward Jesus\/having hearts that are receptive to the gospel, <em>that\u2019s<\/em> what we want. We want hearts that are easily moldable, shaped by the gospel.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>As you said, it\u2019s so easy to focus sort of on the external behavior, not the internal.\n\nI\u2019ll tell you another pastor I heard articulate their vision for their kids. He had six kids; and he said this, \u201cOur bullseye\/our goal was single-minded, Christ-centered, biblically-anchored world changers.\u201d It was really interesting\u2014as I heard him articulate that, the single-minded is what we\u2019ve just been talking about. He said each child is uniquely different. So many parents say, \u201cI want my kid to be well-rounded and do every sport and everything\u201d; and he goes: \u201cWhy? I don\u2019t look for employees that are well-rounded; I look for employees who are gifted in one specific area. So find out what that is and nurture that\/fan that.\u201d\n\nChrist-centered is not church-centered; it\u2019s <em>Christ<\/em>-centered\u2014like He\u2019s the center of the life. Biblically-anchored is: \u201cThis is our source of truth\u201d; and world-changers is\u2014you know. I just thought, \u201cWow, what\u2014another way to articulate what you\u2019ve just said in your book: \u201cAsk, \u2018Why?\u2019 and then shoot for that.\u201d\n\nI would say, \u201cMan, one of the things listeners could do, right now, is say, \u2018Okay; what\u2019s ours?\u2019\u201d Sit down tonight and have a conversation and say, \u201cLet\u2019s write something down that will be uniquely the Wilsons\u2019, the Wildmans\u2019, the Lepines\u2019\u2014that\u2019s still biblical\u2014but what are we going to shoot at?\u201d\n\nOne of the things we did that was real interesting\u2014you talk about a scary thing\u2014we asked our kids, at one point, \u201cWhat are the Wilsons about?\u201d Man, that was a scary answer!\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It was terrible\u2014I\u2019m just going to say.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cWhat does it mean to be a Wilson?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cWhat matters to us?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cWhat do you think matters to us?\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>I think we\u2019ve asked that question, too.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cWhat do you think are our values?\u201d You know what the number-one answer was?\u2014\u201cSports!\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It was <em>convicting<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know where they got that, Bob. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But you know what?\u2014that\u2019s not a terrible thing! I mean, God <em>uses<\/em> that. I have a couple good friends, whose kids have made it\u2014one just got drafted into the NFL, and they <em>are<\/em> using sports to the glory of God.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>But it\u2019s that idea that we are here for so much more.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and your point is: \u201cThe glory of God is what\u2019s driving it, not the NFL.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Yes; yes; absolutely.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So if they think sports is the number-one thing, then getting drafted into the NFL is the end of the game; but if they think the glory of God is the number-one thing, now the NFL is just a means to that end.\n\nI think your challenge, Dave, is a great challenge. In fact, I think this book\u2014you might say, \u201cWe couldn\u2019t do that; wouldn\u2019t know where to start.\u201d Okay; get a copy of <em>First Ask Why<\/em>\u2014read through it together; highlight stuff as you go through it\u2014then do the exercise of saying, \u201cOkay; let\u2019s identify, \u2018What is it that we are going to be pointing toward so that the decisions we face about, \u201cShould our kids do soccer or drama?\u201d or \u201cShould they take the clarinet lesson?\u2019 or \u201cShould they do\u2026\u201d\u2014all of that can be driven by, \u201cWhy?\u201d\u2019\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And for a single parent, pull in your friends.\n\n<strong>Shelly: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ask some other people; get around them and kind of hash through what that could look like for you.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You can get a copy of Shelly\u2019s book\u2014it\u2019s called <em>First Ask Why<\/em>\u2014when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order it from us online, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the title of the book is <em>First Ask Why: Raising Kids to Love God Through Intentional Discipleship<\/em>. The author is Shelly Wildman. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nYou know, this issue of intentional discipleship is something that we\u2019re passionate about, here, at FamilyLife. It\u2019s the reason that we produced the video series the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> as a companion to Dennis and Barbara\u2019s book by that same title. We\u2019re thrilled at how small groups and churches are starting to use this content in classes at their church. We\u2019re also excited to see how it\u2019s being used in Central and South America, as it\u2019s been translated into Spanish.\n\nBecause of all of you guys\u2014those of you who responded during the month of August to the matching-gift challenge that was in front of us, because we were able to take full advantage of that match, we\u2019re able to move forward with plans to translate the<em> Art of Parenting<\/em> into Arabic and into Mandarin. I mean, just imagine the impact of parents learning how to, intentionally, disciple their children by going through the <em>Art of Parenting<\/em>.\n\nThanks for making that happen\u2014those of you who donated during the month of August\u2014and thanks to those of you who regularly remember the financial needs of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. We\u2019re listener-supported. Every day that we are on the air, we\u2019re here because somebody, who\u2019s a listener, just like you, has made that possible through their donations. If you\u2019d like to support this ministry and see the reach extended and expanded, you can make a donation today, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Thanks for partnering with us in this ministry. We appreciate you.\n\nWe hope you can be back with us tomorrow as we continue to talk about how we raise kids who can stand for Jesus when we\u2019re not there to help hold them up. Shelly Wildman joins us, again, tomorrow. We hope you can join us as well.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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