{"id":305316,"date":"2019-09-02T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-09-02T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-importance-of-premarital-counseling\/"},"modified":"2019-09-02T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-09-02T10:00:04","slug":"the-importance-of-premarital-counseling","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-importance-of-premarital-counseling\/","title":{"rendered":"The Importance of Premarital Counseling"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Rob Green talks about the difference between roles and expectations. Some things a husband and wives are commanded to do.But other things vary from couple to couple. Green reminds couples to address expectations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-02.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:58","filesize":"23.77M","filesize_raw":"24926131","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2807],"tags":[6703,4882,6702,6700,6701,6704],"podcast_series":[8298],"cwp_profile":[9557],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305316","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-engagements-and-weddings","tag-building-your-marriage-on-christ","tag-engaged","tag-expectations-in-marriage","tag-premarital-counseling","tag-roles-in-marriage","tag-tying-the-knot","podcast_series-tying-the-knot","cwp_profile-rob-green","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305316\/the-importance-of-premarital-counseling","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305316\/the-importance-of-premarital-counseling","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"lQ2MzVaCGY\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-importance-of-premarital-counseling\/\">The Importance of Premarital Counseling<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-importance-of-premarital-counseling\/embed\/#?secret=lQ2MzVaCGY\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Importance of Premarital Counseling&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"lQ2MzVaCGY\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-02.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-02.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>From years of working with engaged couples, one thing Rob Green has learned is that the habits that are developed during the dating years are habits that will carry over \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tinto the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> A couple that explains how they have put Christ at the center of their relationship in dating don't have to spend a whole lot of time thinking about it now. Those who haven't done that, then the normal course of action is to say, \u201cWhat we're going to try to do is to focus on some areas that we believe you need special attention on.\u201d I tell the couples, right up front, \u201cI care a <em>little bit<\/em> about the wedding ceremony, and I care <em>a lot<\/em> about the 50 years after it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, September 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. How can people, doing premarital counseling, help engaged couples get habits developed that will serve them well in marriage? We'll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, you've got lots of couples at your church, who get married every year; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we have lots of couples. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you do personal premarital counseling with these couples? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We used to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; we used to quite a bit, actually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And I, actually, to be honest, hated it. [Laughter] I hated doing that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Why?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I know!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014they'd sit on our couch in our family room. You'd look over, and they're so clueless; they're not even listening! [Laughter] They're like: \u201cOh, it's going to be so much different for us. We're going to love each other.\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cI want to see you in six months.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut now\u2014it's very important, and we have an army of mentors and counselors that do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you do classes at your church?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and mentors that follow up from there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; we do both. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And it's very important\u2014I'm kidding that it isn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And we also recommend people to go to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae <\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> conference, because that's just a <em>great<\/em> resource before you get married, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You did that before you got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We did, and\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and you're still married\u2014[Laughter]\u2014so there we go! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We're always looking for great resources. Do you know any great resources that couples could use?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I might have something to recommend to you here. We've got a guest, who's joining us this week on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>,who has written a resource for laymen and women or for pastors, who do pastoral counseling. Rob Green joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Rob, welcome. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Thank you. Thanks for having me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book Rob has written is called <em>Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage<\/em>. I presume you've done lots of premarital preparation for couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>I have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Would you think it would be dozens?\u2014or hundreds? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Probably more in the dozens category. We have a lot of people in our church, who seek premarital counseling. It's part of our requirement: \u201cIf you want to use the church facilities, and you want to act like God is going to be the center of your marriage, then you really need to go through premarital counseling to have that take place.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I heard you were quite the dater, growing up; so did you go through premarital counseling? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Oh my word! [Laughter] Yes; you know, I was certainly a ladies' man\u2014that's for sure. [Laughter] In fact, I was such a ladies' man in high school that the girl I asked to go to prom went by herself. [Laughter] That, right there, is the epitome of a ladies' man. [Laughter] I did actually go through premarital counseling with my wife, and we had a great time doing it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Rob, is it a waste of time? Do some couples feel like, \u201cOh, we're not going to <em>need<\/em> this\u201d; because Dave and I were like that; does it help?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Oh, it absolutely helps. One of the great opportunities about doing <em>personal<\/em> premarital counseling is that you get to know the individuals. You find out where their strengths and weaknesses are. You can actually help them prepare for some roadblocks or some obstacles that could come along the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; at your church\u2014you're in Lafayette, Indiana; part of Faith Baptist Church there\u2014you lead the counseling ministry. Is it you and others\u2014like the Wilsons have at their church\u2014who are doing the premarital prep?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely. Some of our staff do it, and we also have lay individuals who also do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you find couples come in, ready to learn? Or are they\u2014you described yourselves as na\u00efve. Mary Ann and I were na\u00efve; I mean, we thought\u2014here's what we thought when we came in: \u201cWe're Christians.\u201d And we were looking at it, going: \u201cOur parents weren't Christians like we were. We're Christians\u2014we love the Lord; we love each other. That should take care of pretty much everything, as long as we love Jesus and love each other; so what do we really need to be counseled on?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we sat through it and we\u2014I\u00a0 don't think we took any notes\u2014but we listened to what they said and nodded our heads. It was like, \u201cWe're never going to deal with any of these things really.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And what happened? When did you come to the realization that you needed help?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here's the story that was kind of the \u201caha\u201d moment for us. Mary Ann and I had dated for four years. It had been pretty much our pattern, during our dating years, that \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI liked to sleep in on Saturdays. We get married\u2014the first Saturday morning that we're in our house\u2014I'm in bed; it's 9:00 on a Saturday morning. Mary Ann's an early riser\u2014she's been up for an hour-and-a-half\u2014so at 9:00, she comes in and raises the shade. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm awakened by this light in the room, and I look up and there's my wife. She says, \u201cGood morning.\u201d I responded with\u2014not \u201cGood morning\u201d; but \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d She said, \u201cWell, I just thought you'd want to get up.\u201d I said, \u201cNo!\u201d She pulled the shade back down, and I could tell\u2014I lay there and I thought: \u201cOkay; I just upset her. I need to go talk to her.\u201d So, an hour-and-a-half later, I went and talked to her\u2014[Laughter]\u2014after I woke up at 10:30. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said: \u201cI knew what had been your pattern during dating; but, also, my dad\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh no!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Here it comes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cMy dad, on Saturday mornings\u2014he would get up and he would get into his to-do list for the day. And I just thought\u2026\u201d In the back of her mind was the thought: \u201cOnce you're married, that's what you do. You start to act like my dad did.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe find that couples would come into premarital stuff, Rob, with\u2014they're not even aware of the expectations that they have of each other and how that's going to play out. They wind up being surprised in those early months of marriage, when these adjustments have to be made: \u201dOh, you think like that,\u201d \u201cOh, you act like that,\u201d \u201cYou do this kind of stuff\u2026\u201d\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes; for sure. One of the things that I like to talk to them about is the difference between an expectation and a role that God has given. The way I like to talk about the expectation part is: \u201cTo enjoy the journey, here are the things that you know you must do. First Peter 3:7 reminds husbands, \u201cLikewise\u2026\u201d\u2014meaning, \u201cLike the example Christ set in 1 Peter 2\u2014\u201cLikewise, live with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d You're going to have to be a learner of your wife, and that's going to go on throughout your <em>entire<\/em> marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>That's a responsibility. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGetting up at 7:00 in the morning to start a to-do list is not necessarily something that God says a husband <em>has<\/em> to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh,I think that's in the Bible somewhere\u2014[Laughter]\u2014it's got to be there!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So does Mary Ann. [Laughter] She thinks it's in the Bible somewhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>It's helping them to discern: \u201cWhat are the things that I'm actually asking my upcoming spouse to do? Is it the things that God says, or is it the things that I've just decided in my own mind?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and those expectations\u2014like I said, they're hidden; we're not even aware that they're there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember sitting with a couple, doing their premarital. I asked them the question, \u201cWho took out the trash in your family?\u201d She said, \u201cMy dad did\u201d; and he said, \u201cMy mom did.\u201d I said, \u201cWho will take it out when you guys get married?\u201d Their default was that the other person was going to do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are all kinds of unanticipated expectations that we bring into marriage. Is there a way to prepare a couple, on the front-end, to say, \u201cSome of these surprise moments are going to happen\u201d and \u201cWhen they do, here's how to respond to those\u2026\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Oh, I believe\u2014absolutely. You know, Romans 8:31-39 is a <em>beautiful<\/em> passage, describing our security in Christ. As a result of the security that we have in Christ, as individuals, that gives us the freedom to love, and to give, and to serve. Even if there are some expectations that I don't know are coming, I have, as the person, who is holding the expectation, I have the ability to say: \u201cYou know, I don't need that,\u201d and \u201cThe reason I don't need that is because I have what I need in Christ already. I am free now to either receive this or to give it up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of enjoying the journey\u2014and figuring out how you're going to do life\u2014is learning about what the person did and what they're good at. Think even about the values or the skills and abilities that each person brings to the marriage. My wife, for example, is an incredible person at fixing things; I'm not! You know, I wish I was the handyman; but the reality is that, if I put in a lightbulb, I'm like: \u201cBabe, you need to come over here and love the fire out of me; because your man just took care of the house.\u201d [Laughter] The reality is\u2014she like redoes the kitchen; well, I didn't know that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I didn't know that, going in to it; but it was something that I learned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a result of that\u2014that's a picture of, \u201cWow; look how God has equipped this person to serve and to love,\u201d\u2014that I had <em>no idea<\/em> was even there. That is something that we can <em>enjoy<\/em>, watching it change. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't have to be wound up about whether or not she takes out the trash or I take out the trash. I get to see the ways in which God has gifted my spouse to serve and to contribute to our family, which at this point is two; and may, someday, grow into something more than two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What if neither of you take out the trash?\u2014that could get to be a problem. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Yes; sooner or later, somebody's got to do it; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>At some point, you do have to look at each other and say, \u201cOkay; how can I sacrifice to serve you and to serve us?\u201d\u2014rather than the expectation of\u2014\u201cYou're here to serve me and to fulfill my expectations.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Is it important for couples to talk about their expectations? I'm recalling one time I met with this woman, and she was about to be married in a few months. I asked her: \u201cWhat are your expectations of what your marriage will look like? Specifically, what kind of things are you <em>expecting<\/em> your husband to do?\u201d She had this list\u2014I bet she had 50 things on this list. It went all the way to when he comes in the door: \u201cI want him to drop everything; I want him to find me; I want him to kiss me passionately,\u201d\u2014it was very detailed. My thought was, \u201cUh oh.\u201d Is it important for couples to talk about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>I believe it's <em>very<\/em> important to talk about that. Again, I want to encourage them to build their marriage on Christ. What I'm interested in them doing is loving Christ with all their heart, because it's then that they're going to be able to love one another. The two great commandments in Matthew 22 are: \u201cLove the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength\u201d and \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTherefore, if the person is really passionate about their relationship with Christ, then they're going to be able to look at that expectation list through a different lens. Rather than: \u201cThis is what I have to have in order to be fulfilled,\u201d\u2014as opposed to\u2014\u201cI'm already fulfilled in Christ; and that frees me to love, and to give, and to serve others.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm not asking about the expectations so much that I have for my upcoming spouse as much as I need to be asking: \u201cWhat does God tell me that <em>I<\/em> should be doing? Let's focus on what <em>I<\/em> need to be doing in order to please Him and to create a God-centered marriage, then we'll be able to work out the expectations.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When you sit down with a couple\u2014or you have other people doing the premarital counseling for couples in your church\u2014I mean, Chapter 1 in your book talks about Jesus being the center: \u201cHow do you enter into that discussion?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I think it starts with the first conversation with them, which is actually not over that section of the book. It's an introduction meeting, where we're celebrating the fact that their relationship has gotten to the place where they believe that God would be pleased with them living their lives together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI often ask a couple of very simple, but important questions. The first one is to the guy: \u201cThere are three billion women on this planet, so why her?\u201d I say the same thing to the woman as well: \u201cThere are three billion men on this planet; why him?\u201d It puts a context of God into this whole scenario. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then what I ask them to do is to share their testimony of how they came to know Christ as their Lord and Savior. Have they come to a clear understanding of their sin and their need to repent, and to believe in the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat sets the foundation for what we're going to talk about, with Jesus as the center. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I'm hoping is that, when we have that conversation\u2014what the guy says about his conversion\u2014he's told her many times before. And what she has said about her conversion\u2014he has heard many times before. It's an opportunity for me to figure out, \u201cHow God-centered has their <em>dating<\/em> been?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What if it hasn't been God-centered? Where do you go from there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>We're going to go to the same spot either way\u2014it's just: \u201cHow long are we going to camp there?\u201d When you think about the topics that a person would cover in premarital counseling, those are introductions; but that doesn't mean you only get one week. It might be, that if you sense a real lack of spiritual vitality in the couple, you're going to take a break and say, \u201cWe're not moving on, because we have some important work to do right here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust as a history could lead you to that same conclusion as well; for example, if there were abuses, or a person came from a very challenging home, or maybe their father or mother really was hurtful to them. That may lead you to spend a little bit more time in one area, simply because of the life story and the life history of that particular person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA couple that explains how they put Christ at the center of their relationship in dating don't have to spend a whole lot of time thinking about it now; those who haven't done that, that becomes a key point of premarital counseling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you're sitting down with a couple, and your diagnosis is: \u201cThis couple is spiritually shallow,\u201d do you kind of complete the course and go: \u201cOkay; you've been through the course. You can get married,\u201d\u2014or do you step in and say\u2014\u201cI can't continue with you\u201d? How do you handle that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I wouldn't say that the normal course of action is to say that we can't continue. The normal course of action is to say, \u201cWhat we're going to try to do is to focus on some areas that we believe you need special attention on.\u201d I tell the couples, right up front: \u201cI care a <em>little bit<\/em> about the wedding ceremony, and I care <em>a lot<\/em> about the 50 years after it. Since my greater concern is the 50 years after it, it becomes so important for us to talk about each one of these elements, like your relationship with Christ\u2014like has your dating relationship been built on Christ? It becomes absolutely crucial for us before we can advance further.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's one of the reasons why we want time. We don't like it when couples say: \u201cYou know what? I'm getting married\u2014let's see\u2014it's May 8<sup>th<\/sup> today. I'm going to get married on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMay 17<sup>th<\/sup>. Can we do the premarital counseling between now and May 17<sup>th<\/sup>?\u201d The answer is \u201cNo\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cof course not.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It's interesting\u2014as you sit down with these couples, you start to see symptoms or signs. What do you do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>We have, on occasion\u2014I don't say it's normal\u2014but we have, on occasion, said that we believe the best thing to do is to put a delay on. In <em>extreme<\/em> cases, have actually said, \u201cWe cannot participate in this relationship any further,\u201d\u2014but that's the nuclear option; that's not the way we like to pastor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>We like to shepherd gently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> We like to <em>move<\/em> people and encourage them to come along, and <em>lead<\/em> them gently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd many times, God gives grace for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>And even, a couple who's coming in weak, doesn't end weak.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; well, you stop and think where we all were when we got married; right? I mean, if a counselor was sitting with us, I'm sure they sat there and thought, \u201cOkay; this couple is going to have some issues, going in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>They actually said that to Dave and me. We took a test as we came on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don't remember this at all. [Laughter] They were wrong!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It was called the Taylor-Johnson\u2014do you remember? Did you take that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Oh, sure. Yes; right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So we took that. Rob, you may not be aware of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Oh, I know that test <em>exceedingly<\/em> well. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; well, you come to the dominance area\u2014and the counselor looks at both Dave and me and goes\u2014\u201cOh, no!\u201d [Laughter] We were like: \u201cWhat?!\u201d We'd only been married a few months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When the counselor says, \u201cOh, no!\u201d you know it's bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; he goes: <strong>\u201c<\/strong>Well, Ann, you're really strong and high in the dominance; and Dave\u2014you guys are right together. You guys are going to have some <em>huge<\/em> fights!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember him saying that. I remember looking at him like, \u201cWhat's this guy know?!\u201d [Laughter] He was <em>exactly<\/em> right; I mean, he had wisdom. We were just being immature not to listen to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think\u2014here's the point: we were <em>all<\/em> young, inexperienced, na\u00efve. You sit with these couples\u2014I'm sure you think, \u201cOh, God's going to need a lot of grace in this situation for them to be able to make it work.\u201d But that's what God does\u2014He pours out grace on couples. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat's why, in your counseling, it's less about technique and \u201cDo they have their communication skills down?\u201d I mean, you talk about communication, and finances, and you talk about intimacy; but you keep coming back to: \u201cWhere's Jesus in the midst of all of this?\u201d\u2014because, that way\u2014whatever issues come up in the marriage\u2014if they keep coming back to Jesus, that will get worked out; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And every chapter's titled that: \u201cLove, with Jesus at the Center,\u201d \u201cProblem Solving, with Jesus at the Center.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cwith Jesus at the Center\u201d; right; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> You know, in 1 Corinthians 13, we're told: \u201cLove is patient; love is kind; it's not jealous. Love does not brag; it is not arrogant. Does not act unbecomingly. It does not seek its own; it's not provoked. Does not take account a wrong suffered.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I talk with the couples that are going to get married about this passage\u2014and I send them off to do some homework on their own and then to come back\u2014and I ask them about the text: \u201cTell me, what was your impression of this passage? Talk to me a little bit about your understanding of love now.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere's the answer that I'm looking for\u2014and it gets to the point you were making\u2014the answer I'm looking for is: \u201cThere's no way on planet earth that I can possibly do this.\u201d It's not that: \u201cI <em>love<\/em> this person so much that I'm just like Jesus,\u201d\u2014it's not even close to that! Instead, what it is\u2014is that: \u201cThere's no way, without the grace of God operating in my heart every moment of every day, that I'm going to be able to do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The first time I ever did premarital with a couple\u2014the first night we were together\u2014I said: \u201cGet out a piece of paper. I want you to write down your definition of love.\u201d I got two pieces of paper back that were like Hallmark<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cards; right? You know: \u201cLove is a warm walk on the beach,\u201d\u2014and just all this stuff\/love is this whooshy stuff. I said, \u201cOkay; great,\u201d\u2014I just folded it up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of our premarital, I said: \u201cGet out a piece of paper. I want you to write down your definition of love.\u201d And here's what I was looking for\u2014a simplified answer, which is: \u201cLove is commitment and self-sacrifice. If you can be committed and die to self\u2014\u2018Greater love has no man than this; he lays down his life for his friend (John 15:13).\u2019 He's committed.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember handing back to that couple: \u201cHere's what you wrote the first night,\u201d\u2014they'd forgotten all about it. They started reading and they laughed. I thought, \u201cOkay; we've made some progress.\u201d If they look at their own stuff and go, \u201cYes, we were puppies.\u201d You know, love is blind; but marriage is an eye-opener. They saw: \u201cWe had a romantic view of love. Now, we have a more biblical view of love.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRob, that's what you keep trying to lead couples to in your book, <em>Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage.<\/em> Again, this is something that anybody can take a younger couple through\u2014I know that churches are using this; individuals are using this as a guidebook. We've got copies of Rob's book, <em>Tying the Knot,<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center . You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the book is called <em>Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage<\/em> by Rob Green. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201dF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't know how many of our listeners know this, but really, this issue of marriage preparation is how FamilyLife began. The original <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>marriage getaways were all engaged couples\u2014not married couples\u2014engaged couples; so this has been central to who we are, as a ministry, from the very beginning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe President for FamilyLife, David Robbins, is here with us. Premarital preparation is something that can't be taken for granted. This is important; isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It is. Meg and I <em>love<\/em> doing it with other couples, who are about to be married. But really, this whole conversation just takes me back to my own pre-marriage counseling. We had a pastor who took us through a workbook that was actually done by FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em>, which is still a resource that we have. It's such a <em>great<\/em> resource; because it alternates biblical wisdom, and then there's chapters on practical exercises.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday's conversation is such an important conversation\u2014that we think about investing in pre-married couples. It takes me back to the expectations worksheet in <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em>\u2014I remember filling it out\u2014and you don't know the expectations you have until you really list them out. It's just one of those practical exercises\u2014I remember being asked point-blank questions\u2014that I go, \u201cI didn't even know that I had an expectation for that.\u201d And then I remember having the date with Meg, where we talked about it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014and going, \u201cOoh, I <em>really<\/em> didn't know I had expectations\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Things like: \u201cWho balances the checkbook in marriage?\u201d \u201cWho takes out the garbage in marriage?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Those are the easy ones, Bob; yes. [Laughter] But expectation without communication equals conflict; you know? You go into marriage, not even knowing you have these. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to echo today's conversation\u2014whether it's <em>Tying the Knot<\/em>\u2014getting that resource; <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em> is another resource for pre-marriage couples. Whatever you do, get people having these types of conversations so they can be better prepared as they enter into marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And as married couples, you are competent to sit down with an engaged couple and talk about the journey that's ahead for them. These kinds of resources can help, but you can do this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I think the body of Christ <em>needs<\/em> us to do it, and the next generation needs us to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, again, if you want information about the resources we have available to help you get engaged with younger couples\u2014things like: <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>; or the <em>Preparing for Marriage <\/em>workbook; Rob's book, <em>Tying the Knot<\/em>\u2014go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and the information is available there. Or call us at 1-800-358-6329, and someone on our team can help you with whatever it is you're looking for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back again tomorrow. Rob Green's going to be here again, and we're going to talk about some of the challenges that parents face when their adult kids are pursuing marriage\u2014like: \u201cWhat do you do if your son or daughter is engaged to somebody and you've got concerns?\u201d\u2014how do you handle that as a parent? We'll talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:25:58"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.77M"],"filesize_raw":["24926131"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305316.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305316.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Green talks about the difference between roles and expectations. Some things a husband and wives are commanded to do.But other things vary from couple to couple. Green reminds couples to address expectations.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-09-02.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>From years of working with engaged couples, one thing Rob Green has learned is that the habits that are developed during the dating years are habits that will carry over \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tinto the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> A couple that explains how they have put Christ at the center of their relationship in dating don't have to spend a whole lot of time thinking about it now. Those who haven't done that, then the normal course of action is to say, \u201cWhat we're going to try to do is to focus on some areas that we believe you need special attention on.\u201d I tell the couples, right up front, \u201cI care a <em>little bit<\/em> about the wedding ceremony, and I care <em>a lot<\/em> about the 50 years after it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, September 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. How can people, doing premarital counseling, help engaged couples get habits developed that will serve them well in marriage? We'll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, you've got lots of couples at your church, who get married every year; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we have lots of couples. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you do personal premarital counseling with these couples? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We used to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; we used to quite a bit, actually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And I, actually, to be honest, hated it. [Laughter] I hated doing that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Why?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I know!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014they'd sit on our couch in our family room. You'd look over, and they're so clueless; they're not even listening! [Laughter] They're like: \u201cOh, it's going to be so much different for us. We're going to love each other.\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cI want to see you in six months.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut now\u2014it's very important, and we have an army of mentors and counselors that do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you do classes at your church?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and mentors that follow up from there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; we do both. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And it's very important\u2014I'm kidding that it isn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And we also recommend people to go to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014the FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae <\/sup><em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> conference, because that's just a <em>great<\/em> resource before you get married, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You did that before you got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We did, and\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and you're still married\u2014[Laughter]\u2014so there we go! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We're always looking for great resources. Do you know any great resources that couples could use?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I might have something to recommend to you here. We've got a guest, who's joining us this week on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>,who has written a resource for laymen and women or for pastors, who do pastoral counseling. Rob Green joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Rob, welcome. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Thank you. Thanks for having me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book Rob has written is called <em>Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage<\/em>. I presume you've done lots of premarital preparation for couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>I have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Would you think it would be dozens?\u2014or hundreds? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Probably more in the dozens category. We have a lot of people in our church, who seek premarital counseling. It's part of our requirement: \u201cIf you want to use the church facilities, and you want to act like God is going to be the center of your marriage, then you really need to go through premarital counseling to have that take place.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I heard you were quite the dater, growing up; so did you go through premarital counseling? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Oh my word! [Laughter] Yes; you know, I was certainly a ladies' man\u2014that's for sure. [Laughter] In fact, I was such a ladies' man in high school that the girl I asked to go to prom went by herself. [Laughter] That, right there, is the epitome of a ladies' man. [Laughter] I did actually go through premarital counseling with my wife, and we had a great time doing it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Rob, is it a waste of time? Do some couples feel like, \u201cOh, we're not going to <em>need<\/em> this\u201d; because Dave and I were like that; does it help?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Oh, it absolutely helps. One of the great opportunities about doing <em>personal<\/em> premarital counseling is that you get to know the individuals. You find out where their strengths and weaknesses are. You can actually help them prepare for some roadblocks or some obstacles that could come along the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; at your church\u2014you're in Lafayette, Indiana; part of Faith Baptist Church there\u2014you lead the counseling ministry. Is it you and others\u2014like the Wilsons have at their church\u2014who are doing the premarital prep?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely. Some of our staff do it, and we also have lay individuals who also do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Do you find couples come in, ready to learn? Or are they\u2014you described yourselves as na\u00efve. Mary Ann and I were na\u00efve; I mean, we thought\u2014here's what we thought when we came in: \u201cWe're Christians.\u201d And we were looking at it, going: \u201cOur parents weren't Christians like we were. We're Christians\u2014we love the Lord; we love each other. That should take care of pretty much everything, as long as we love Jesus and love each other; so what do we really need to be counseled on?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we sat through it and we\u2014I\u00a0 don't think we took any notes\u2014but we listened to what they said and nodded our heads. It was like, \u201cWe're never going to deal with any of these things really.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And what happened? When did you come to the realization that you needed help?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here's the story that was kind of the \u201caha\u201d moment for us. Mary Ann and I had dated for four years. It had been pretty much our pattern, during our dating years, that \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI liked to sleep in on Saturdays. We get married\u2014the first Saturday morning that we're in our house\u2014I'm in bed; it's 9:00 on a Saturday morning. Mary Ann's an early riser\u2014she's been up for an hour-and-a-half\u2014so at 9:00, she comes in and raises the shade. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm awakened by this light in the room, and I look up and there's my wife. She says, \u201cGood morning.\u201d I responded with\u2014not \u201cGood morning\u201d; but \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d She said, \u201cWell, I just thought you'd want to get up.\u201d I said, \u201cNo!\u201d She pulled the shade back down, and I could tell\u2014I lay there and I thought: \u201cOkay; I just upset her. I need to go talk to her.\u201d So, an hour-and-a-half later, I went and talked to her\u2014[Laughter]\u2014after I woke up at 10:30. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said: \u201cI knew what had been your pattern during dating; but, also, my dad\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh no!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Here it comes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cMy dad, on Saturday mornings\u2014he would get up and he would get into his to-do list for the day. And I just thought\u2026\u201d In the back of her mind was the thought: \u201cOnce you're married, that's what you do. You start to act like my dad did.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe find that couples would come into premarital stuff, Rob, with\u2014they're not even aware of the expectations that they have of each other and how that's going to play out. They wind up being surprised in those early months of marriage, when these adjustments have to be made: \u201dOh, you think like that,\u201d \u201cOh, you act like that,\u201d \u201cYou do this kind of stuff\u2026\u201d\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Yes; for sure. One of the things that I like to talk to them about is the difference between an expectation and a role that God has given. The way I like to talk about the expectation part is: \u201cTo enjoy the journey, here are the things that you know you must do. First Peter 3:7 reminds husbands, \u201cLikewise\u2026\u201d\u2014meaning, \u201cLike the example Christ set in 1 Peter 2\u2014\u201cLikewise, live with your wives in an understanding way.\u201d You're going to have to be a learner of your wife, and that's going to go on throughout your <em>entire<\/em> marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>That's a responsibility. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGetting up at 7:00 in the morning to start a to-do list is not necessarily something that God says a husband <em>has<\/em> to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh,I think that's in the Bible somewhere\u2014[Laughter]\u2014it's got to be there!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So does Mary Ann. [Laughter] She thinks it's in the Bible somewhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>It's helping them to discern: \u201cWhat are the things that I'm actually asking my upcoming spouse to do? Is it the things that God says, or is it the things that I've just decided in my own mind?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and those expectations\u2014like I said, they're hidden; we're not even aware that they're there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember sitting with a couple, doing their premarital. I asked them the question, \u201cWho took out the trash in your family?\u201d She said, \u201cMy dad did\u201d; and he said, \u201cMy mom did.\u201d I said, \u201cWho will take it out when you guys get married?\u201d Their default was that the other person was going to do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are all kinds of unanticipated expectations that we bring into marriage. Is there a way to prepare a couple, on the front-end, to say, \u201cSome of these surprise moments are going to happen\u201d and \u201cWhen they do, here's how to respond to those\u2026\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> Oh, I believe\u2014absolutely. You know, Romans 8:31-39 is a <em>beautiful<\/em> passage, describing our security in Christ. As a result of the security that we have in Christ, as individuals, that gives us the freedom to love, and to give, and to serve. Even if there are some expectations that I don't know are coming, I have, as the person, who is holding the expectation, I have the ability to say: \u201cYou know, I don't need that,\u201d and \u201cThe reason I don't need that is because I have what I need in Christ already. I am free now to either receive this or to give it up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of enjoying the journey\u2014and figuring out how you're going to do life\u2014is learning about what the person did and what they're good at. Think even about the values or the skills and abilities that each person brings to the marriage. My wife, for example, is an incredible person at fixing things; I'm not! You know, I wish I was the handyman; but the reality is that, if I put in a lightbulb, I'm like: \u201cBabe, you need to come over here and love the fire out of me; because your man just took care of the house.\u201d [Laughter] The reality is\u2014she like redoes the kitchen; well, I didn't know that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I didn't know that, going in to it; but it was something that I learned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs a result of that\u2014that's a picture of, \u201cWow; look how God has equipped this person to serve and to love,\u201d\u2014that I had <em>no idea<\/em> was even there. That is something that we can <em>enjoy<\/em>, watching it change. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't have to be wound up about whether or not she takes out the trash or I take out the trash. I get to see the ways in which God has gifted my spouse to serve and to contribute to our family, which at this point is two; and may, someday, grow into something more than two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What if neither of you take out the trash?\u2014that could get to be a problem. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Yes; sooner or later, somebody's got to do it; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>At some point, you do have to look at each other and say, \u201cOkay; how can I sacrifice to serve you and to serve us?\u201d\u2014rather than the expectation of\u2014\u201cYou're here to serve me and to fulfill my expectations.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Is it important for couples to talk about their expectations? I'm recalling one time I met with this woman, and she was about to be married in a few months. I asked her: \u201cWhat are your expectations of what your marriage will look like? Specifically, what kind of things are you <em>expecting<\/em> your husband to do?\u201d She had this list\u2014I bet she had 50 things on this list. It went all the way to when he comes in the door: \u201cI want him to drop everything; I want him to find me; I want him to kiss me passionately,\u201d\u2014it was very detailed. My thought was, \u201cUh oh.\u201d Is it important for couples to talk about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>I believe it's <em>very<\/em> important to talk about that. Again, I want to encourage them to build their marriage on Christ. What I'm interested in them doing is loving Christ with all their heart, because it's then that they're going to be able to love one another. The two great commandments in Matthew 22 are: \u201cLove the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength\u201d and \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTherefore, if the person is really passionate about their relationship with Christ, then they're going to be able to look at that expectation list through a different lens. Rather than: \u201cThis is what I have to have in order to be fulfilled,\u201d\u2014as opposed to\u2014\u201cI'm already fulfilled in Christ; and that frees me to love, and to give, and to serve others.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm not asking about the expectations so much that I have for my upcoming spouse as much as I need to be asking: \u201cWhat does God tell me that <em>I<\/em> should be doing? Let's focus on what <em>I<\/em> need to be doing in order to please Him and to create a God-centered marriage, then we'll be able to work out the expectations.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> When you sit down with a couple\u2014or you have other people doing the premarital counseling for couples in your church\u2014I mean, Chapter 1 in your book talks about Jesus being the center: \u201cHow do you enter into that discussion?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I think it starts with the first conversation with them, which is actually not over that section of the book. It's an introduction meeting, where we're celebrating the fact that their relationship has gotten to the place where they believe that God would be pleased with them living their lives together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI often ask a couple of very simple, but important questions. The first one is to the guy: \u201cThere are three billion women on this planet, so why her?\u201d I say the same thing to the woman as well: \u201cThere are three billion men on this planet; why him?\u201d It puts a context of God into this whole scenario. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then what I ask them to do is to share their testimony of how they came to know Christ as their Lord and Savior. Have they come to a clear understanding of their sin and their need to repent, and to believe in the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat sets the foundation for what we're going to talk about, with Jesus as the center. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I'm hoping is that, when we have that conversation\u2014what the guy says about his conversion\u2014he's told her many times before. And what she has said about her conversion\u2014he has heard many times before. It's an opportunity for me to figure out, \u201cHow God-centered has their <em>dating<\/em> been?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What if it hasn't been God-centered? Where do you go from there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>We're going to go to the same spot either way\u2014it's just: \u201cHow long are we going to camp there?\u201d When you think about the topics that a person would cover in premarital counseling, those are introductions; but that doesn't mean you only get one week. It might be, that if you sense a real lack of spiritual vitality in the couple, you're going to take a break and say, \u201cWe're not moving on, because we have some important work to do right here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust as a history could lead you to that same conclusion as well; for example, if there were abuses, or a person came from a very challenging home, or maybe their father or mother really was hurtful to them. That may lead you to spend a little bit more time in one area, simply because of the life story and the life history of that particular person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA couple that explains how they put Christ at the center of their relationship in dating don't have to spend a whole lot of time thinking about it now; those who haven't done that, that becomes a key point of premarital counseling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you're sitting down with a couple, and your diagnosis is: \u201cThis couple is spiritually shallow,\u201d do you kind of complete the course and go: \u201cOkay; you've been through the course. You can get married,\u201d\u2014or do you step in and say\u2014\u201cI can't continue with you\u201d? How do you handle that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> I wouldn't say that the normal course of action is to say that we can't continue. The normal course of action is to say, \u201cWhat we're going to try to do is to focus on some areas that we believe you need special attention on.\u201d I tell the couples, right up front: \u201cI care a <em>little bit<\/em> about the wedding ceremony, and I care <em>a lot<\/em> about the 50 years after it. Since my greater concern is the 50 years after it, it becomes so important for us to talk about each one of these elements, like your relationship with Christ\u2014like has your dating relationship been built on Christ? It becomes absolutely crucial for us before we can advance further.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's one of the reasons why we want time. We don't like it when couples say: \u201cYou know what? I'm getting married\u2014let's see\u2014it's May 8<sup>th<\/sup> today. I'm going to get married on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMay 17<sup>th<\/sup>. Can we do the premarital counseling between now and May 17<sup>th<\/sup>?\u201d The answer is \u201cNo\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cof course not.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It's interesting\u2014as you sit down with these couples, you start to see symptoms or signs. What do you do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>We have, on occasion\u2014I don't say it's normal\u2014but we have, on occasion, said that we believe the best thing to do is to put a delay on. In <em>extreme<\/em> cases, have actually said, \u201cWe cannot participate in this relationship any further,\u201d\u2014but that's the nuclear option; that's not the way we like to pastor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>We like to shepherd gently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> We like to <em>move<\/em> people and encourage them to come along, and <em>lead<\/em> them gently. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd many times, God gives grace for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>And even, a couple who's coming in weak, doesn't end weak.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; well, you stop and think where we all were when we got married; right? I mean, if a counselor was sitting with us, I'm sure they sat there and thought, \u201cOkay; this couple is going to have some issues, going in.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>They actually said that to Dave and me. We took a test as we came on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don't remember this at all. [Laughter] They were wrong!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It was called the Taylor-Johnson\u2014do you remember? Did you take that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Oh, sure. Yes; right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> So we took that. Rob, you may not be aware of that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob: <\/strong>Oh, I know that test <em>exceedingly<\/em> well. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; well, you come to the dominance area\u2014and the counselor looks at both Dave and me and goes\u2014\u201cOh, no!\u201d [Laughter] We were like: \u201cWhat?!\u201d We'd only been married a few months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When the counselor says, \u201cOh, no!\u201d you know it's bad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; he goes: <strong>\u201c<\/strong>Well, Ann, you're really strong and high in the dominance; and Dave\u2014you guys are right together. You guys are going to have some <em>huge<\/em> fights!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember him saying that. I remember looking at him like, \u201cWhat's this guy know?!\u201d [Laughter] He was <em>exactly<\/em> right; I mean, he had wisdom. We were just being immature not to listen to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think\u2014here's the point: we were <em>all<\/em> young, inexperienced, na\u00efve. You sit with these couples\u2014I'm sure you think, \u201cOh, God's going to need a lot of grace in this situation for them to be able to make it work.\u201d But that's what God does\u2014He pours out grace on couples. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat's why, in your counseling, it's less about technique and \u201cDo they have their communication skills down?\u201d I mean, you talk about communication, and finances, and you talk about intimacy; but you keep coming back to: \u201cWhere's Jesus in the midst of all of this?\u201d\u2014because, that way\u2014whatever issues come up in the marriage\u2014if they keep coming back to Jesus, that will get worked out; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And every chapter's titled that: \u201cLove, with Jesus at the Center,\u201d \u201cProblem Solving, with Jesus at the Center.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cwith Jesus at the Center\u201d; right; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> You know, in 1 Corinthians 13, we're told: \u201cLove is patient; love is kind; it's not jealous. Love does not brag; it is not arrogant. Does not act unbecomingly. It does not seek its own; it's not provoked. Does not take account a wrong suffered.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I talk with the couples that are going to get married about this passage\u2014and I send them off to do some homework on their own and then to come back\u2014and I ask them about the text: \u201cTell me, what was your impression of this passage? Talk to me a little bit about your understanding of love now.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere's the answer that I'm looking for\u2014and it gets to the point you were making\u2014the answer I'm looking for is: \u201cThere's no way on planet earth that I can possibly do this.\u201d It's not that: \u201cI <em>love<\/em> this person so much that I'm just like Jesus,\u201d\u2014it's not even close to that! Instead, what it is\u2014is that: \u201cThere's no way, without the grace of God operating in my heart every moment of every day, that I'm going to be able to do that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The first time I ever did premarital with a couple\u2014the first night we were together\u2014I said: \u201cGet out a piece of paper. I want you to write down your definition of love.\u201d I got two pieces of paper back that were like Hallmark<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cards; right? You know: \u201cLove is a warm walk on the beach,\u201d\u2014and just all this stuff\/love is this whooshy stuff. I said, \u201cOkay; great,\u201d\u2014I just folded it up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt the end of our premarital, I said: \u201cGet out a piece of paper. I want you to write down your definition of love.\u201d And here's what I was looking for\u2014a simplified answer, which is: \u201cLove is commitment and self-sacrifice. If you can be committed and die to self\u2014\u2018Greater love has no man than this; he lays down his life for his friend (John 15:13).\u2019 He's committed.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember handing back to that couple: \u201cHere's what you wrote the first night,\u201d\u2014they'd forgotten all about it. They started reading and they laughed. I thought, \u201cOkay; we've made some progress.\u201d If they look at their own stuff and go, \u201cYes, we were puppies.\u201d You know, love is blind; but marriage is an eye-opener. They saw: \u201cWe had a romantic view of love. Now, we have a more biblical view of love.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRob, that's what you keep trying to lead couples to in your book, <em>Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage.<\/em> Again, this is something that anybody can take a younger couple through\u2014I know that churches are using this; individuals are using this as a guidebook. We've got copies of Rob's book, <em>Tying the Knot,<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center . You can order it from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the book is called <em>Tying the Knot: A Premarital Guide to a Strong and Lasting Marriage<\/em> by Rob Green. Order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201dF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don't know how many of our listeners know this, but really, this issue of marriage preparation is how FamilyLife began. The original <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>marriage getaways were all engaged couples\u2014not married couples\u2014engaged couples; so this has been central to who we are, as a ministry, from the very beginning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe President for FamilyLife, David Robbins, is here with us. Premarital preparation is something that can't be taken for granted. This is important; isn't it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It is. Meg and I <em>love<\/em> doing it with other couples, who are about to be married. But really, this whole conversation just takes me back to my own pre-marriage counseling. We had a pastor who took us through a workbook that was actually done by FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em>, which is still a resource that we have. It's such a <em>great<\/em> resource; because it alternates biblical wisdom, and then there's chapters on practical exercises.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday's conversation is such an important conversation\u2014that we think about investing in pre-married couples. It takes me back to the expectations worksheet in <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em>\u2014I remember filling it out\u2014and you don't know the expectations you have until you really list them out. It's just one of those practical exercises\u2014I remember being asked point-blank questions\u2014that I go, \u201cI didn't even know that I had an expectation for that.\u201d And then I remember having the date with Meg, where we talked about it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014and going, \u201cOoh, I <em>really<\/em> didn't know I had expectations\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Things like: \u201cWho balances the checkbook in marriage?\u201d \u201cWho takes out the garbage in marriage?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Those are the easy ones, Bob; yes. [Laughter] But expectation without communication equals conflict; you know? You go into marriage, not even knowing you have these. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to echo today's conversation\u2014whether it's <em>Tying the Knot<\/em>\u2014getting that resource; <em>Preparing for Marriage<\/em> is another resource for pre-marriage couples. Whatever you do, get people having these types of conversations so they can be better prepared as they enter into marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And as married couples, you are competent to sit down with an engaged couple and talk about the journey that's ahead for them. These kinds of resources can help, but you can do this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I think the body of Christ <em>needs<\/em> us to do it, and the next generation needs us to do it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, again, if you want information about the resources we have available to help you get engaged with younger couples\u2014things like: <em>The Art of Marriage<\/em>; or the <em>Preparing for Marriage <\/em>workbook; Rob's book, <em>Tying the Knot<\/em>\u2014go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and the information is available there. Or call us at 1-800-358-6329, and someone on our team can help you with whatever it is you're looking for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you can join us back again tomorrow. Rob Green's going to be here again, and we're going to talk about some of the challenges that parents face when their adult kids are pursuing marriage\u2014like: \u201cWhat do you do if your son or daughter is engaged to somebody and you've got concerns?\u201d\u2014how do you handle that as a parent? We'll talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305316","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305316"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305316"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305316"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305316"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305316"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305316"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305316"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}