{"id":305159,"date":"2019-07-16T06:00:05","date_gmt":"2019-07-16T10:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/understanding-differences\/"},"modified":"2019-07-16T06:00:05","modified_gmt":"2019-07-16T10:00:05","slug":"understanding-differences","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-differences\/","title":{"rendered":"Understanding Differences"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>According to Scott Kedersha, one of the biggest issues for couples is dealing with differences. When we&#8217;re married to someone who&#8217;s different, it helps us become more like Christ. He reminds us that the things that drive you crazy now become so much less important down the road, on FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-07-16.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:28","filesize":"26.07M","filesize_raw":"27337577","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817,2807,2855],"tags":[4018,6671,2926],"podcast_series":[8289],"cwp_profile":[3641],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305159","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","category-engagements-and-weddings","category-teens","tag-dating","tag-important-conversations","tag-singles","podcast_series-ready-or-knot","cwp_profile-scott-kedersha","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305159\/understanding-differences","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305159\/understanding-differences","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"AT53ayUOXP\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-differences\/\">Understanding Differences<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/understanding-differences\/embed\/#?secret=AT53ayUOXP\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Understanding Differences&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"AT53ayUOXP\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-07-16.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-07-16.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When we\u2019re dating, we\u2019re often attracted to differences\u2014ways in which our boyfriend or girlfriend are different than we are. Scott Kedersha says that attraction doesn\u2019t last.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Eventually, they\u2019re going to realize all of those things they thought were really cute at one point, now, become annoying: They were spontaneous, at one point; now, they\u2019re irresponsible. Organized becomes retentive, and difficult, and unyielding, and stubborn. So what are you going to do when\u2014and you shouldn\u2019t be surprised by it, because you\u2019re going to be different from each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, July 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Is there anything we can do\u2014as moms and dads, or as pastors, or just as friends\u2014to help couples, who are thinking about getting married, understand how their differences may eventually get on each other\u2019s nerves? We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You have three married sons; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Were you involved in their premarital preparation? Well, I guess you were; you\u2019re their parents\u2014so of course, you\u2019re involved in their pre\u2014but did you do their classes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We did one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We did one son\u2019s premarital\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014and the other son is like: \u201cAre you insane?! Why would you let Mom and Dad do your premarital counseling?!\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014which we were hurt by but totally understood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>What do you think, honey, when you think back on it? Was it a good choice or not?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>For them?\u2014oh, I don\u2019t know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think it was a bad choice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We had fun!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We loved it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But we actually had somebody else do all the stuff on sex. That was wise; wasn\u2019t it? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott Kedersha\u2019s joining us, again, today. Scott, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott is on staff at a church in Dallas\u2014Watermark Church\u2014where he leads the marriage ministry that\u2019s going on there. Six thousand, over the last decade\u2014six\/seven thousand engaged couples have gone through premarital with Scott and his team. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDo you have married kids?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I don\u2019t; I have young kids\u2014they better not be married yet! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Will you do their premarital?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I don\u2019t think we will. I mean, I think we\u2019ll be involved in some way; I mean, I sure hope they would learn from Mom and Dad; and we\u2019d love to be as involved as they want us to be. We probably won\u2019t have the sex talk with them; we\u2019ll leave that to somebody else just so they don\u2019t vomit during the session. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s a really good idea!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s good, though, for our kids to hear biblical principles about marriage from somebody other than us; don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, for sure. I think that definitely did happen for our kids as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott, you\u2019ve written a book called <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em>\u2014with K-N-O-T; tying the knot\u2014<em>Ready or Knot?<\/em> This is for engaged couples to talk about\u2014and maybe, pre-engaged couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You think this is for dating couples to start talking about these things?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Absolutely. Going back to your number\u2014you said before about 6500 couples come through our pre-married class. Probably, about half of those are seriously dating couples. That doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re on date one or two with each other\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>\u2014it means they\u2019re thinking about putting a ring on the finger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Are these potentially remarried couples, too?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; there are probably about ten\/twenty percent of them, a year, will come through as a second marriage, potentially, for one or both of them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA high majority of them\u2014probably about 60 percent\u2014are actually in that seriously dating category as opposed to engaged.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I have to ask you this, because I bet you know the data. One of our dreams, at our church, is to lower the divorce rate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Have you seen that happen through this process?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>We don\u2019t have any hard data on it; but we would say: \u201cEverything we try to do, we try to do so much on the proactive side of getting them\u2014before they get engaged, before they get married, while they\u2019re newlyweds\u2014so we\u2019re putting a lot of resource, and time, and leaders, and community into helping them build it up from the beginning. We don\u2019t have hard data.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTypically, honestly, what we\u2019re seeing is countless stories have come out\u2014of couples who leave each other and love Jesus. We do think that, of our small groups we do for newlyweds, probably one couple per group, there\u2019s a divorce spared. That\u2019s just what we\u2019ve hypothesized; we can\u2019t prove that. But we\u2019ve certainly seen couples who love the Lord and love one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to take a quick poll here. We\u2019ve already talked, this week, about the fact that the number-one conversation that these couples need to be having is about faith, and about where they are, and whether Jesus is Lord of their life. If we were to identify the number-one issue that these couples are going to be wrestling with when marriage starts\u2014we\u2019ll assume the faith foundation\u2019s in place: they both love the Lord\u2014but they have other issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPick your issue, and we\u2019ll see if we have agreement on this. Do you know what you think it is?\u2014the number-one issue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to let my wife go first [Laughter], because I know that would be an issue right there. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking conflict\u2014conflict\/communication.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The ability to resolve conflict\/the ability to communicate with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; is that where you were thinking?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I was thinking that. I was also thinking\u2014and it\u2019s your first chapter in the book, Scott\u2014is this belief that there\u2019s the \u201cone\u201d and that \u201cShe\u201d or \u201cHe will complete me,\u201d\u2014you know, that famous line from the <em>Jerry Maguire <\/em>movie. I think, when couples get disappointed in their marriage\u2014and every couple, at some point, will\u2014they think, \u201cI married the wrong person.\u201d Again, it comes back to what we said before\u2014it comes back to their faith. I think that\u2019s a <em>big<\/em> deal for couples. They don\u2019t realize that\u2019s going to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What would you say, Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I want to get Scott. I want to let him weigh in before\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, look at you! You\u2019re bailing out!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, yes; I know! Yes; yes! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; I\u2019ll go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I would think it\u2019s the area that is the most uncomfortable one to have a conversation about\u2014and the one that most couples have already had some experience in before they get married\u2014and that\u2019s sexual intimacy, where they have early issues in this area. They don\u2019t know where to go or how to talk to anybody about it, but it\u2019s part of the frustration that they\u2019re feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have three different answers. Do you have the right answer for us?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to give a fourth one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Really?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; so I think it\u2019s, honestly, dealing with the differences you have with each other: \u201cHow do you deal with quirks and different personality?\u201d It plays into all three of those that you\u2019ve said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, so we\u2019re <em>all<\/em> right and <em>all<\/em> wrong. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>You\u2019re all right; yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; it\u2019s a really good question. I think it\u2019s: \u201cHow do you deal with those differences?\u201d You have to realize, pretty quickly on in your relationship, \u201cOkay; this person is radically different than me, so we\u2019re either going to\u2014push through those and work through them\u2014or we\u2019re going to end up breaking up the relationship.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; so let\u2019s press into that one\u2014the issue of differences. If you\u2019re coaching a premarital couple, what are the things you\u2019re going to tell them? Because what they\u2019re thinking about each other, early on, is: \u201cIt\u2019s amazing! We are <em>so much<\/em> alike! We like the <em>same<\/em> music\u201d; \u201cYou like lasagna? I <em>love<\/em> lasagna!\u201d\u2014right? This is why they think they belong together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; on May 26, 2004, my wife gave birth to our twin sons\u2014this is related. One is named Duncan; one is named Drew.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s cute.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>They\u2019re about 14 years old.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Glad the other\u2019s not Doughnut. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>No; I wanted to name one Tim and the other Duncan after Tim Duncan\u2014that\u2019s my personal favorite\u2014but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I like that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh no; oh no\u2014San Antonio Spurs. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Go for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>So conceived at the same moment, same sets of DNA working together to make them, grew in the same womb, born one minute apart, have grown up in the same home with a mom and dad who love the Lord and love them; and they could not be any more different than one another. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; they look different; they act different; different personality; one looks a little more like Kristen\/one looks a little more like me; one is more sporty\/the other one is more intellectual; one is musical\/the other one is highly social and just touchy-feely\u2014very, very different but <em>amazing<\/em>. We <em>love<\/em> them both and all these incredible things we see in each of them. They grew up in the same family, and they\u2019re so different from each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA man meets a woman\u2014they come from different DNA, different homes, different education, different values, different temperament; one\u2019s a male\/one\u2019s a female; and they start dating and move towards marriage. They wonder, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t we the same in every way?\u201d\u2014not to go against what you said, Bob\u2014that they definitely do find all the things that are similar: \u201cIt\u2019s like we\u2019re <em>made<\/em> for each other\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>But eventually, they\u2019re going to realize all of those things that they thought were really cute, at one point, now become annoying. [Laughter] They were spontaneous at one point; now, they\u2019re irresponsible. \u201cThey were so organized,\u201d becomes just retentive, and difficult, and unyielding, and stubborn. What are you going to do when\u2014and you shouldn\u2019t be surprised by it\u2014because you\u2019re going to be different from each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here\u2019s my hypothesis. We\u2019re attracted to the differences, in part, because I recognize that what\u2019s lacking in me is something that <em>you<\/em> bring that does fill in the gaps of my life. Mary Ann\u2019s much more organized and self-disciplined than I am.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I hope so. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That was cold; that was cold.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m just kidding! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She is; so I was attracted to somebody, who had those qualities; because I think, in part, I was looking and going, \u201cThose are things I\u2019m not strong in, and I admire somebody who is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you\u2019re exactly right; once we\u2019re married, and she\u2019s using these gifts of hers\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cThis is so annoying. [Laughter] Why does it always have to be this way? What\u2019s with all this discipline? Can\u2019t we just chill a little bit?\u201d\u2014right? That\u2019s where strengths that we see start to get lived out and, maybe, even overused; and they become weaknesses\u2014and there\u2019s a clash. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis was a breakthrough for us. When Mary Ann and I sat down and did one of these inventories that shows you differences\/temperament differences. There are a dozen of them; today the big one\u2019s the Enneagram. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In our day, it was the DISC test that you were taking; right? There\u2019s all\u2014Myers\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014Myers-Briggs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What were you on the DISC?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014Taylor-Johnson. Wait! We\u2019re not going to go into <em>that<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Ann <em>loves<\/em> it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was just being a lion with her, right there\u2014that I\u2019m I-D: \u201cWe\u2019re not going to do that now, Ann.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You\u2019re probably an I-D. [Laughter] Go ahead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when we found this out, here\u2019s where the breakthrough came. I started to go, \u201cOh, she\u2019s different,\u201d and then I realized: \u201cShe\u2019s not <em>wrong<\/em>; she\u2019s <em>different<\/em>. In fact, how she is\u2014there are good things about how she is.\u201d I\u2019d seen it as an irritation and \u201cShe should be more like me\u201d; now I was like: \u201cOh, this is a <em>good<\/em> quality that is lacking for me. I admire and can benefit from this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI used to think, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you act like me and think like me?\u201d Now, I was thinking, \u201cI know why you don\u2019t; because you\u2019re not wired like me; and that\u2019s a benefit, not a liability.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; that is one of the ways that God <em>most<\/em> grows us. The most sanctifying thing is that, when we\u2019re married to somebody who\u2019s really different, it helps us become more and more like Christ. First Peter 3:7: \u201cHusbands, live with your wife in an understanding way\u201d\u2014he goes on\/the end of the verse says: \u201cso that your prayers may not be hindered.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod <em>uses<\/em> those differences to help us become more and more like Christ and to help us become more dependent on Him. Very much like you, I\u2019m so thankful\u2014Kristen is\u2014I\u2019m like the drama queen, is what I say, in our home\u2014you know, just highly emotional\/high highs; low lows. We <em>need<\/em> somebody in our home, when we\u2019re raising four boys, we need somebody who\u2019s levelheaded and can keep calm in the midst of the chaos.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, I get <em>frustrated<\/em>; I\u2019m like, \u201cShow some more emotion!\u201d [Laughter] What I really needed is\u2014better moments, I go, \u201cI\u2019m so <em>thankful<\/em> for the way that you\u2019re wired, because <em>you<\/em> make <em>everything<\/em> better the way that God made you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The number-one difference between the two of you?\u2014is there one big, glaring thing that you would go, \u201cHere\u2019s how we are most different\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m waiting to see what Dave would say.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, it doesn\u2019t matter <em>what<\/em> I say. [Laughter] No; I know what she\u2019s going to say. Watch this\u2014let\u2019s see if I\u2019m right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Okay; let\u2019s see.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>She <em>loved<\/em> this about me when we were pre-married and, then, it became a <em>huge<\/em> frustration.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Is it your hairline? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Spoken by a fellow bald man; right?! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve gotten into the swing of this pretty good!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is like junior high all over again! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I would\u2014I\u2019m guessing Ann\u2019s going to say this\u2014my laid-back-ness\/my easygoing chill. She\u2019s a driver\/Type A: \u201cLet\u2019s get it done. What are we doing today? What boxes are we going to check off today?\u201d I\u2019m like: \u201cIt\u2019s a day! Let\u2019s enjoy it!\u201d Is that it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s what I would say, too. We have a lot of similarities; and so we have a lot of the <em>same<\/em> weaknesses, which is frustrating. I used to <em>love<\/em> how laid-back Dave was; because I was driving hard and intense, and he\u2019s spontaneous. Yes; that drove me crazy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s interesting, too, because, when we were first married, I remember our seminary prof, who was actually the president, Don Weaver, asked me\u2014he said, \u201cWhat is your favorite quality about Dave?\u201d I said: \u201cI <em>love<\/em> that he\u2019s laid-back. I <em>love<\/em> that about him. It helps calm me down.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, later, I thought, \u201cI can\u2019t <em>stand<\/em> this about him!\u201d\u2014especially after we had kids\u2014like: \u201cYou need to step in here!\u201d But now, I would go back to saying: \u201dI <em>love<\/em> this about him. It really helps me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, see how you talk about it in the book. I would love to hear your thought on that; because I\u2019ve watched Ann\u2014and I hope I\u2019ve done the same thing\u2014go from first, seeing the difference: enjoying it, then not liking it, and <em>now<\/em> celebrating it. She\u2019s gone all the way from embracing it\u2014your words in the book\u2014to celebrating it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not going to ask Ann how that happened; I\u2019m going to ask you, because you write about that. How do you get there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>One of the things I\u2019ve just noticed\u2014a friend of mine pointed this out\u2014it\u2019s those things that used to drive us crazy just become so much <em>less<\/em> important, down the road. What we tend to do is\u2014we focus on all the things that are frustrating about our spouse. You know, they\u2019re wired differently\u2014their personality\u2019s different; they talk too much; they talk too little\/whatever it might be\u2014we just get stuck in those things. Eventually, we realize those things are important; but they\u2019re not the main thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead, what I\u2019ve had to learn to do\u2014I learned this from Gary Thomas and his book, <em>Cherish<\/em>\u2014for one year, I took notice of everything that was <em>different<\/em> about my wife\u2014put it in a journal. For, literally, 365 days, I kept track\u2014not of the wrongs\u2014but of the rights. You know, just a paragraph every day on something about her that I love\u2014that I value, that\u2019s different, that\u2019s unique. At the end of that year, even a couple months in, all those little things that used to annoy me kind of fade away when you realize how incredible she is and what a gift she is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne, you discover\u2014to go back to your question\u2014you discover and understand what those differences are; you learn to celebrate them, realizing what a gift it is to be married to somebody who\u2019s not just like you; you <em>embrace<\/em> those differences and go: \u201cI\u2019m not going to make her me. She\u2019s not going to make me her. We\u2019re committed to one another. We have to learn to live with each other in an understanding way, and we celebrate those differences. We don\u2019t keep track of wrongs; we celebrate the good.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to go to what Dave identified; because I think there\u2019s a connection between our differences and the soulmate concept, where we think, \u201cWe fit together perfectly.\u201d Here, I\u2019m going back to the 1976 best picture of the year, <em>Rocky<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You remember, in <em>Rocky<\/em>, the scene where Polly is asking him, \u201cWhat do you see in my sister, Adrian?\u201d\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>[Imitating Rocky] \u201cAdrian!!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And he says, profoundly [imitating Rocky], \u201cShe got gaps; I got gaps and together we got no gaps\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That\u2019s pretty good! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ooh, <em>Bob<\/em>; that\u2019s really good! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes? I just pulled out my best Stallone, right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere was some profound theology in there. This idea of a soulmate is: \u201cI have found somebody who <em>gets<\/em> me, somebody who meshes with me, somebody who <em>fills<\/em> the empty places in my life.\u201d Honestly, we\u2019re longing for that; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>To have that in marriage\u2014and some of that happens in marriage\u2014to have that in marriage is a <em>beautiful<\/em> thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you\u2019re sitting down with an engaged couple and you\u2019re talking to them, and [they] say: \u201cYou know, we just\u2014like the first time we met, it was <em>clear<\/em> that we were meant for each other. We\u2019re on the same page about so much. We have these things\u2026\u201d You don\u2019t want to burst their bubble, but what\u2019s the reality you want to inject into this whole soulmate way of thinking?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Over the years, there\u2019s been a little bit of shift, where we no longer have to convince people marriage is hard. They see it so much around them. It\u2019s such a <em>broken<\/em> world we live in. They either grew up in a broken home; they see it in social media\/on TV; they see it in their friends; they see it maybe even in their own first marriage or first relationship. People <em>know<\/em> how difficult it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat being said, many pre-married couples <em>still<\/em> come in with those rose-colored glasses on. We need to <em>lovingly<\/em> point them to the fact that: \u201cYour spouse is going to let you down. It is <em>guaranteed<\/em>,\u201d and \u201cWe try to make our spouse Jesus\u2014that we do think they are going to complete us and fill in all the gaps.\u201d We just go: \u201cHey, I want to lovingly tell you\u2014you are going to be disappointed. You\u2019re going to let them down; they\u2019re going to let you down. If you can\u2019t handle that, then you\u2019re not fit to be married.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why I start the book with this chapter on expectations. You have to expect that things are <em>not<\/em> going to work out the way you want them to; and if you can\u2019t deal with that, then please hit pause and don\u2019t get married. If you\u2019re willing to deal with the fact that you\u2019re going to let one another down, then you have the opportunity to still pursue to still show grace, and to show mercy, and forgiveness. Everything that the gospel entails\/everything that God shows us, we get the same opportunity to share with our spouse. If you can sign up for that, you\u2019re going to do well in marriage; if not, hit pause.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott, I think we do engaged couples a <em>great<\/em> service when we tell them, ahead of time, what\u2019s coming after they get married. When we can say to them, \u201cThere\u2019s a day ahead for you when you\u2019re going to look at your spouse and go, \u2018I wonder if I married the wrong person.\u2019\u201d When they hear that, and they just tuck it away\u2014and in the moment, they go, \u201cI can\u2019t even imagine that ever happening,\u201d\u2014right? Then, seven months into the marriage, when they look and go, \u201cI think I married the wrong person,\u201d there\u2019s this little thing that goes off: \u201cWait! They said that was going to happen! If they knew this was going to happen, maybe this isn\u2019t the end for us\u2014the fact that we\u2019re right here, and I\u2019m not feeling it right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014that: \u201cThis can be normal.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I have a question. Sometimes, I\u2019m in a dilemma with pre-marrieds; because they will be struggling, saying, \u201cThis is really hard; this isn\u2019t happening\u2026\u201d; but they\u2019ll say, \u201cBut this is normal.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s hard for me to know what is normal; when should they get out?\u2014or saying, \u201cIt shouldn\u2019t be this hard at this point.\u201d How do you advise couples when they\u2019re going through that?\u2014\u201cI just need to love him,\u201d or \u201cI just need to respect him.\u201d How do you know when they should pull <em>out<\/em> rather than work through it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>It\u2019s finding that right tension between telling how hard marriage will be at times but, also, talking about how great it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Part of the reason why so many young couples are not getting married anymore is because all they hear about is married couples, like the four of us\u2014[Laughter]\u2014all we talk about is how difficult it is and how challenging it is. We look around and we wonder: \u201cWhy are pre-married couples choosing to move in together? Why are they choosing to <em>not<\/em> choose marriage and choose everything else?\u201d\u2014\u201cI want to go on the <em>great<\/em> trip to Europe,\u201d \u201cI want to drive the nice car,\u201d \u201c I want to get the pet,\u201d \u201cI want to do <em>anything<\/em> but get married.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe see them go from relationship to relationship to relationship. We wonder: \u201cWell, it\u2019s just these young Millennials. They don\u2019t understand marriage; they don\u2019t understand commitment.\u201d There <em>might<\/em> be something going on there. I think the bigger problem is that we have not created and cast a compelling picture for what marriage is\u2014telling them: \u201cYes; you\u2019re going to struggle. You\u2019re never going to be 100 percent confident of this decision. It\u2019s impossible; no dating couple has ever moved forward with 100 percent confidence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if we cast this picture that\u2014\u201cYes; it\u2019s going to let you down at times; but man, it is good, and glorious, and one of the greatest gifts around,\u201d\u2014I think we\u2019re going to see couples push through those things and not be so afraid, moving forward into marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are you glad you\u2019re married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>So glad!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s the <em>greatest<\/em> decision I\u2019ve ever made, second to Christ; and it\u2019s the <em>hardest<\/em>, but it\u2019s <em>awesome<\/em>. It\u2019s worth it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are you glad you\u2019re married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I echo everything Dave said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019d be a <em>mess<\/em>. [Laughter] I\u2019d be a hot mess\u2014a dumpster fire is what I would say here\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I <em>love<\/em> the dumpster fire analogy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014if I was not married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want everybody, who\u2019s listening, to hear\u2014we think marriage is awesome and great, but it\u2019s hard. That\u2019s why having conversations like the ones you\u2019ve outlined in this book is <em>so<\/em> important and so helpful for couples. The book we\u2019re talking about is Scott Kedersha\u2019s book, <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em> \u2014K-N-O-T\u2014<em>12 Conversations Every Couple Needs to Have Before Marriage<\/em>. We are making the book available, this week, to listeners who can help support the ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> with a donation. We depend on your donations for all that we do, here, at FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, those of you who are listening to today\u2019s program, you can thank your fellow listeners who pitched in to make today\u2019s program possible by donating to support the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. If you\u2019d like to make this radio program possible for future listeners\u2014our website\/all that we\u2019re doing, here, at FamilyLife\u2014you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and make a donation. When you do, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Scott Kedersha\u2019s book, <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em> It\u2019s our thank-you gift for your support. You can also donate by calling 1-800-FLTODAY\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. Be sure to ask for the book, <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em>, when you call to donate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want you to know how grateful we are for your partnership with us. Thanks for helping to support this work and helping to make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible for hundreds of thousands of people, who are tuned in, listening every day all across the country and around the world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just wanted to mention\u2014we have had a lot of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners get in touch with us, excited about the \u201cStronger Forever Marriage Fitness Plan\u201d that we put together, here, for couples for the summer. I think they\u2019re excited because of the exercises that we\u2019ve developed to help them strengthen their marriage relationship; but it may just be that they\u2019re excited because, by downloading the plan and starting to do some of these exercises, they are automatically entered in the contest we\u2019re having, where we\u2019re going to give one couple an all-expense-paid trip on the tenth anniversary <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise that happens in February of next year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you sign up and receive the \u201cStronger Forever\u201d material this summer, you have a chance to win a round-trip airfare\u2014we\u2019ll cover your hotel costs in Fort Lauderdale and, then, your cabin on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. One couple will win. There\u2019s no purchase necessary to enter. The contest began on July 1<sup>st<\/sup>, 2019; it ends on August 30<sup>th<\/sup>, 2019. Official rules can be found at FamilyLife.com\/StrongerForever. Even if you don\u2019t win, doing the exercises will be <em>great<\/em> for your marriage; but again, one of you is going to join us on the cruise next year; so find out more. Sign up when you go to FamilyLife.com\/StrongerForever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019ll be back with us, again, tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about how transparent an engaged couple ought to be with one another about their past, especially things in their past that they may be ashamed of or that they\u2019re embarrassed about. Scott Kedersha joins us, again, tomorrow to talk about that. I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:28"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.07M"],"filesize_raw":["27337577"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305159.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305159.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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to Scott Kedersha, one of the biggest issues for couples is dealing with differences. When we're married to someone who's different, it helps us become more like Christ. He reminds us that the things that drive you crazy now become so much less important down the road, on FamilyLife Today.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-07-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When we\u2019re dating, we\u2019re often attracted to differences\u2014ways in which our boyfriend or girlfriend are different than we are. Scott Kedersha says that attraction doesn\u2019t last.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Eventually, they\u2019re going to realize all of those things they thought were really cute at one point, now, become annoying: They were spontaneous, at one point; now, they\u2019re irresponsible. Organized becomes retentive, and difficult, and unyielding, and stubborn. So what are you going to do when\u2014and you shouldn\u2019t be surprised by it, because you\u2019re going to be different from each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, July 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Is there anything we can do\u2014as moms and dads, or as pastors, or just as friends\u2014to help couples, who are thinking about getting married, understand how their differences may eventually get on each other\u2019s nerves? We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You have three married sons; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; we do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Were you involved in their premarital preparation? Well, I guess you were; you\u2019re their parents\u2014so of course, you\u2019re involved in their pre\u2014but did you do their classes?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We did one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We did one son\u2019s premarital\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014and the other son is like: \u201cAre you insane?! Why would you let Mom and Dad do your premarital counseling?!\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014which we were hurt by but totally understood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>What do you think, honey, when you think back on it? Was it a good choice or not?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>For them?\u2014oh, I don\u2019t know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think it was a bad choice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We had fun!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We loved it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>But we actually had somebody else do all the stuff on sex. That was wise; wasn\u2019t it? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott Kedersha\u2019s joining us, again, today. Scott, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott is on staff at a church in Dallas\u2014Watermark Church\u2014where he leads the marriage ministry that\u2019s going on there. Six thousand, over the last decade\u2014six\/seven thousand engaged couples have gone through premarital with Scott and his team. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDo you have married kids?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I don\u2019t; I have young kids\u2014they better not be married yet! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Will you do their premarital?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I don\u2019t think we will. I mean, I think we\u2019ll be involved in some way; I mean, I sure hope they would learn from Mom and Dad; and we\u2019d love to be as involved as they want us to be. We probably won\u2019t have the sex talk with them; we\u2019ll leave that to somebody else just so they don\u2019t vomit during the session. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s a really good idea!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s good, though, for our kids to hear biblical principles about marriage from somebody other than us; don\u2019t you think?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, for sure. I think that definitely did happen for our kids as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott, you\u2019ve written a book called <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em>\u2014with K-N-O-T; tying the knot\u2014<em>Ready or Knot?<\/em> This is for engaged couples to talk about\u2014and maybe, pre-engaged couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You think this is for dating couples to start talking about these things?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Absolutely. Going back to your number\u2014you said before about 6500 couples come through our pre-married class. Probably, about half of those are seriously dating couples. That doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re on date one or two with each other\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>\u2014it means they\u2019re thinking about putting a ring on the finger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Are these potentially remarried couples, too?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; there are probably about ten\/twenty percent of them, a year, will come through as a second marriage, potentially, for one or both of them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA high majority of them\u2014probably about 60 percent\u2014are actually in that seriously dating category as opposed to engaged.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I have to ask you this, because I bet you know the data. One of our dreams, at our church, is to lower the divorce rate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Have you seen that happen through this process?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>We don\u2019t have any hard data on it; but we would say: \u201cEverything we try to do, we try to do so much on the proactive side of getting them\u2014before they get engaged, before they get married, while they\u2019re newlyweds\u2014so we\u2019re putting a lot of resource, and time, and leaders, and community into helping them build it up from the beginning. We don\u2019t have hard data.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTypically, honestly, what we\u2019re seeing is countless stories have come out\u2014of couples who leave each other and love Jesus. We do think that, of our small groups we do for newlyweds, probably one couple per group, there\u2019s a divorce spared. That\u2019s just what we\u2019ve hypothesized; we can\u2019t prove that. But we\u2019ve certainly seen couples who love the Lord and love one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to take a quick poll here. We\u2019ve already talked, this week, about the fact that the number-one conversation that these couples need to be having is about faith, and about where they are, and whether Jesus is Lord of their life. If we were to identify the number-one issue that these couples are going to be wrestling with when marriage starts\u2014we\u2019ll assume the faith foundation\u2019s in place: they both love the Lord\u2014but they have other issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPick your issue, and we\u2019ll see if we have agreement on this. Do you know what you think it is?\u2014the number-one issue?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to let my wife go first [Laughter], because I know that would be an issue right there. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking conflict\u2014conflict\/communication.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The ability to resolve conflict\/the ability to communicate with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; is that where you were thinking?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I was thinking that. I was also thinking\u2014and it\u2019s your first chapter in the book, Scott\u2014is this belief that there\u2019s the \u201cone\u201d and that \u201cShe\u201d or \u201cHe will complete me,\u201d\u2014you know, that famous line from the <em>Jerry Maguire <\/em>movie. I think, when couples get disappointed in their marriage\u2014and every couple, at some point, will\u2014they think, \u201cI married the wrong person.\u201d Again, it comes back to what we said before\u2014it comes back to their faith. I think that\u2019s a <em>big<\/em> deal for couples. They don\u2019t realize that\u2019s going to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What would you say, Bob?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I want to get Scott. I want to let him weigh in before\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, look at you! You\u2019re bailing out!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, yes; I know! Yes; yes! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; I\u2019ll go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I would think it\u2019s the area that is the most uncomfortable one to have a conversation about\u2014and the one that most couples have already had some experience in before they get married\u2014and that\u2019s sexual intimacy, where they have early issues in this area. They don\u2019t know where to go or how to talk to anybody about it, but it\u2019s part of the frustration that they\u2019re feeling.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have three different answers. Do you have the right answer for us?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to give a fourth one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Really?!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; so I think it\u2019s, honestly, dealing with the differences you have with each other: \u201cHow do you deal with quirks and different personality?\u201d It plays into all three of those that you\u2019ve said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, so we\u2019re <em>all<\/em> right and <em>all<\/em> wrong. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>You\u2019re all right; yes. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYes; it\u2019s a really good question. I think it\u2019s: \u201cHow do you deal with those differences?\u201d You have to realize, pretty quickly on in your relationship, \u201cOkay; this person is radically different than me, so we\u2019re either going to\u2014push through those and work through them\u2014or we\u2019re going to end up breaking up the relationship.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; so let\u2019s press into that one\u2014the issue of differences. If you\u2019re coaching a premarital couple, what are the things you\u2019re going to tell them? Because what they\u2019re thinking about each other, early on, is: \u201cIt\u2019s amazing! We are <em>so much<\/em> alike! We like the <em>same<\/em> music\u201d; \u201cYou like lasagna? I <em>love<\/em> lasagna!\u201d\u2014right? This is why they think they belong together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; on May 26, 2004, my wife gave birth to our twin sons\u2014this is related. One is named Duncan; one is named Drew.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s cute.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>They\u2019re about 14 years old.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Glad the other\u2019s not Doughnut. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>No; I wanted to name one Tim and the other Duncan after Tim Duncan\u2014that\u2019s my personal favorite\u2014but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I like that!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh no; oh no\u2014San Antonio Spurs. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Go for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>So conceived at the same moment, same sets of DNA working together to make them, grew in the same womb, born one minute apart, have grown up in the same home with a mom and dad who love the Lord and love them; and they could not be any more different than one another. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; they look different; they act different; different personality; one looks a little more like Kristen\/one looks a little more like me; one is more sporty\/the other one is more intellectual; one is musical\/the other one is highly social and just touchy-feely\u2014very, very different but <em>amazing<\/em>. We <em>love<\/em> them both and all these incredible things we see in each of them. They grew up in the same family, and they\u2019re so different from each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA man meets a woman\u2014they come from different DNA, different homes, different education, different values, different temperament; one\u2019s a male\/one\u2019s a female; and they start dating and move towards marriage. They wonder, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t we the same in every way?\u201d\u2014not to go against what you said, Bob\u2014that they definitely do find all the things that are similar: \u201cIt\u2019s like we\u2019re <em>made<\/em> for each other\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>But eventually, they\u2019re going to realize all of those things that they thought were really cute, at one point, now become annoying. [Laughter] They were spontaneous at one point; now, they\u2019re irresponsible. \u201cThey were so organized,\u201d becomes just retentive, and difficult, and unyielding, and stubborn. What are you going to do when\u2014and you shouldn\u2019t be surprised by it\u2014because you\u2019re going to be different from each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here\u2019s my hypothesis. We\u2019re attracted to the differences, in part, because I recognize that what\u2019s lacking in me is something that <em>you<\/em> bring that does fill in the gaps of my life. Mary Ann\u2019s much more organized and self-disciplined than I am.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I hope so. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That was cold; that was cold.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I\u2019m just kidding! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She is; so I was attracted to somebody, who had those qualities; because I think, in part, I was looking and going, \u201cThose are things I\u2019m not strong in, and I admire somebody who is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you\u2019re exactly right; once we\u2019re married, and she\u2019s using these gifts of hers\u2014it\u2019s like: \u201cThis is so annoying. [Laughter] Why does it always have to be this way? What\u2019s with all this discipline? Can\u2019t we just chill a little bit?\u201d\u2014right? That\u2019s where strengths that we see start to get lived out and, maybe, even overused; and they become weaknesses\u2014and there\u2019s a clash. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis was a breakthrough for us. When Mary Ann and I sat down and did one of these inventories that shows you differences\/temperament differences. There are a dozen of them; today the big one\u2019s the Enneagram. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In our day, it was the DISC test that you were taking; right? There\u2019s all\u2014Myers\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014Myers-Briggs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What were you on the DISC?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014Taylor-Johnson. Wait! We\u2019re not going to go into <em>that<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Ann <em>loves<\/em> it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was just being a lion with her, right there\u2014that I\u2019m I-D: \u201cWe\u2019re not going to do that now, Ann.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>You\u2019re probably an I-D. [Laughter] Go ahead.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, when we found this out, here\u2019s where the breakthrough came. I started to go, \u201cOh, she\u2019s different,\u201d and then I realized: \u201cShe\u2019s not <em>wrong<\/em>; she\u2019s <em>different<\/em>. In fact, how she is\u2014there are good things about how she is.\u201d I\u2019d seen it as an irritation and \u201cShe should be more like me\u201d; now I was like: \u201cOh, this is a <em>good<\/em> quality that is lacking for me. I admire and can benefit from this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI used to think, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you act like me and think like me?\u201d Now, I was thinking, \u201cI know why you don\u2019t; because you\u2019re not wired like me; and that\u2019s a benefit, not a liability.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Yes; that is one of the ways that God <em>most<\/em> grows us. The most sanctifying thing is that, when we\u2019re married to somebody who\u2019s really different, it helps us become more and more like Christ. First Peter 3:7: \u201cHusbands, live with your wife in an understanding way\u201d\u2014he goes on\/the end of the verse says: \u201cso that your prayers may not be hindered.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod <em>uses<\/em> those differences to help us become more and more like Christ and to help us become more dependent on Him. Very much like you, I\u2019m so thankful\u2014Kristen is\u2014I\u2019m like the drama queen, is what I say, in our home\u2014you know, just highly emotional\/high highs; low lows. We <em>need<\/em> somebody in our home, when we\u2019re raising four boys, we need somebody who\u2019s levelheaded and can keep calm in the midst of the chaos.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, I get <em>frustrated<\/em>; I\u2019m like, \u201cShow some more emotion!\u201d [Laughter] What I really needed is\u2014better moments, I go, \u201cI\u2019m so <em>thankful<\/em> for the way that you\u2019re wired, because <em>you<\/em> make <em>everything<\/em> better the way that God made you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The number-one difference between the two of you?\u2014is there one big, glaring thing that you would go, \u201cHere\u2019s how we are most different\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I\u2019m waiting to see what Dave would say.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Oh, it doesn\u2019t matter <em>what<\/em> I say. [Laughter] No; I know what she\u2019s going to say. Watch this\u2014let\u2019s see if I\u2019m right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Okay; let\u2019s see.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>She <em>loved<\/em> this about me when we were pre-married and, then, it became a <em>huge<\/em> frustration.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Is it your hairline? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Spoken by a fellow bald man; right?! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve gotten into the swing of this pretty good!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is like junior high all over again! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I would\u2014I\u2019m guessing Ann\u2019s going to say this\u2014my laid-back-ness\/my easygoing chill. She\u2019s a driver\/Type A: \u201cLet\u2019s get it done. What are we doing today? What boxes are we going to check off today?\u201d I\u2019m like: \u201cIt\u2019s a day! Let\u2019s enjoy it!\u201d Is that it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s what I would say, too. We have a lot of similarities; and so we have a lot of the <em>same<\/em> weaknesses, which is frustrating. I used to <em>love<\/em> how laid-back Dave was; because I was driving hard and intense, and he\u2019s spontaneous. Yes; that drove me crazy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s interesting, too, because, when we were first married, I remember our seminary prof, who was actually the president, Don Weaver, asked me\u2014he said, \u201cWhat is your favorite quality about Dave?\u201d I said: \u201cI <em>love<\/em> that he\u2019s laid-back. I <em>love<\/em> that about him. It helps calm me down.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, later, I thought, \u201cI can\u2019t <em>stand<\/em> this about him!\u201d\u2014especially after we had kids\u2014like: \u201cYou need to step in here!\u201d But now, I would go back to saying: \u201dI <em>love<\/em> this about him. It really helps me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Well, see how you talk about it in the book. I would love to hear your thought on that; because I\u2019ve watched Ann\u2014and I hope I\u2019ve done the same thing\u2014go from first, seeing the difference: enjoying it, then not liking it, and <em>now<\/em> celebrating it. She\u2019s gone all the way from embracing it\u2014your words in the book\u2014to celebrating it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019m not going to ask Ann how that happened; I\u2019m going to ask you, because you write about that. How do you get there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>One of the things I\u2019ve just noticed\u2014a friend of mine pointed this out\u2014it\u2019s those things that used to drive us crazy just become so much <em>less<\/em> important, down the road. What we tend to do is\u2014we focus on all the things that are frustrating about our spouse. You know, they\u2019re wired differently\u2014their personality\u2019s different; they talk too much; they talk too little\/whatever it might be\u2014we just get stuck in those things. Eventually, we realize those things are important; but they\u2019re not the main thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead, what I\u2019ve had to learn to do\u2014I learned this from Gary Thomas and his book, <em>Cherish<\/em>\u2014for one year, I took notice of everything that was <em>different<\/em> about my wife\u2014put it in a journal. For, literally, 365 days, I kept track\u2014not of the wrongs\u2014but of the rights. You know, just a paragraph every day on something about her that I love\u2014that I value, that\u2019s different, that\u2019s unique. At the end of that year, even a couple months in, all those little things that used to annoy me kind of fade away when you realize how incredible she is and what a gift she is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne, you discover\u2014to go back to your question\u2014you discover and understand what those differences are; you learn to celebrate them, realizing what a gift it is to be married to somebody who\u2019s not just like you; you <em>embrace<\/em> those differences and go: \u201cI\u2019m not going to make her me. She\u2019s not going to make me her. We\u2019re committed to one another. We have to learn to live with each other in an understanding way, and we celebrate those differences. We don\u2019t keep track of wrongs; we celebrate the good.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to go to what Dave identified; because I think there\u2019s a connection between our differences and the soulmate concept, where we think, \u201cWe fit together perfectly.\u201d Here, I\u2019m going back to the 1976 best picture of the year, <em>Rocky<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You remember, in <em>Rocky<\/em>, the scene where Polly is asking him, \u201cWhat do you see in my sister, Adrian?\u201d\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>[Imitating Rocky] \u201cAdrian!!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And he says, profoundly [imitating Rocky], \u201cShe got gaps; I got gaps and together we got no gaps\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That\u2019s pretty good! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ooh, <em>Bob<\/em>; that\u2019s really good! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes? I just pulled out my best Stallone, right there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere was some profound theology in there. This idea of a soulmate is: \u201cI have found somebody who <em>gets<\/em> me, somebody who meshes with me, somebody who <em>fills<\/em> the empty places in my life.\u201d Honestly, we\u2019re longing for that; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>To have that in marriage\u2014and some of that happens in marriage\u2014to have that in marriage is a <em>beautiful<\/em> thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you\u2019re sitting down with an engaged couple and you\u2019re talking to them, and [they] say: \u201cYou know, we just\u2014like the first time we met, it was <em>clear<\/em> that we were meant for each other. We\u2019re on the same page about so much. We have these things\u2026\u201d You don\u2019t want to burst their bubble, but what\u2019s the reality you want to inject into this whole soulmate way of thinking?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Over the years, there\u2019s been a little bit of shift, where we no longer have to convince people marriage is hard. They see it so much around them. It\u2019s such a <em>broken<\/em> world we live in. They either grew up in a broken home; they see it in social media\/on TV; they see it in their friends; they see it maybe even in their own first marriage or first relationship. People <em>know<\/em> how difficult it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat being said, many pre-married couples <em>still<\/em> come in with those rose-colored glasses on. We need to <em>lovingly<\/em> point them to the fact that: \u201cYour spouse is going to let you down. It is <em>guaranteed<\/em>,\u201d and \u201cWe try to make our spouse Jesus\u2014that we do think they are going to complete us and fill in all the gaps.\u201d We just go: \u201cHey, I want to lovingly tell you\u2014you are going to be disappointed. You\u2019re going to let them down; they\u2019re going to let you down. If you can\u2019t handle that, then you\u2019re not fit to be married.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why I start the book with this chapter on expectations. You have to expect that things are <em>not<\/em> going to work out the way you want them to; and if you can\u2019t deal with that, then please hit pause and don\u2019t get married. If you\u2019re willing to deal with the fact that you\u2019re going to let one another down, then you have the opportunity to still pursue to still show grace, and to show mercy, and forgiveness. Everything that the gospel entails\/everything that God shows us, we get the same opportunity to share with our spouse. If you can sign up for that, you\u2019re going to do well in marriage; if not, hit pause.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Scott, I think we do engaged couples a <em>great<\/em> service when we tell them, ahead of time, what\u2019s coming after they get married. When we can say to them, \u201cThere\u2019s a day ahead for you when you\u2019re going to look at your spouse and go, \u2018I wonder if I married the wrong person.\u2019\u201d When they hear that, and they just tuck it away\u2014and in the moment, they go, \u201cI can\u2019t even imagine that ever happening,\u201d\u2014right? Then, seven months into the marriage, when they look and go, \u201cI think I married the wrong person,\u201d there\u2019s this little thing that goes off: \u201cWait! They said that was going to happen! If they knew this was going to happen, maybe this isn\u2019t the end for us\u2014the fact that we\u2019re right here, and I\u2019m not feeling it right now.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014that: \u201cThis can be normal.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I have a question. Sometimes, I\u2019m in a dilemma with pre-marrieds; because they will be struggling, saying, \u201cThis is really hard; this isn\u2019t happening\u2026\u201d; but they\u2019ll say, \u201cBut this is normal.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s hard for me to know what is normal; when should they get out?\u2014or saying, \u201cIt shouldn\u2019t be this hard at this point.\u201d How do you advise couples when they\u2019re going through that?\u2014\u201cI just need to love him,\u201d or \u201cI just need to respect him.\u201d How do you know when they should pull <em>out<\/em> rather than work through it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>It\u2019s finding that right tension between telling how hard marriage will be at times but, also, talking about how great it is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>Part of the reason why so many young couples are not getting married anymore is because all they hear about is married couples, like the four of us\u2014[Laughter]\u2014all we talk about is how difficult it is and how challenging it is. We look around and we wonder: \u201cWhy are pre-married couples choosing to move in together? Why are they choosing to <em>not<\/em> choose marriage and choose everything else?\u201d\u2014\u201cI want to go on the <em>great<\/em> trip to Europe,\u201d \u201cI want to drive the nice car,\u201d \u201c I want to get the pet,\u201d \u201cI want to do <em>anything<\/em> but get married.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe see them go from relationship to relationship to relationship. We wonder: \u201cWell, it\u2019s just these young Millennials. They don\u2019t understand marriage; they don\u2019t understand commitment.\u201d There <em>might<\/em> be something going on there. I think the bigger problem is that we have not created and cast a compelling picture for what marriage is\u2014telling them: \u201cYes; you\u2019re going to struggle. You\u2019re never going to be 100 percent confident of this decision. It\u2019s impossible; no dating couple has ever moved forward with 100 percent confidence.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if we cast this picture that\u2014\u201cYes; it\u2019s going to let you down at times; but man, it is good, and glorious, and one of the greatest gifts around,\u201d\u2014I think we\u2019re going to see couples push through those things and not be so afraid, moving forward into marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are you glad you\u2019re married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>So glad!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s the <em>greatest<\/em> decision I\u2019ve ever made, second to Christ; and it\u2019s the <em>hardest<\/em>, but it\u2019s <em>awesome<\/em>. It\u2019s worth it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are you glad you\u2019re married?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Scott: <\/strong>I echo everything Dave said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019d be a <em>mess<\/em>. [Laughter] I\u2019d be a hot mess\u2014a dumpster fire is what I would say here\u2014[Laughter]\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I <em>love<\/em> the dumpster fire analogy!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014if I was not married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want everybody, who\u2019s listening, to hear\u2014we think marriage is awesome and great, but it\u2019s hard. That\u2019s why having conversations like the ones you\u2019ve outlined in this book is <em>so<\/em> important and so helpful for couples. The book we\u2019re talking about is Scott Kedersha\u2019s book, <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em> \u2014K-N-O-T\u2014<em>12 Conversations Every Couple Needs to Have Before Marriage<\/em>. We are making the book available, this week, to listeners who can help support the ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> with a donation. We depend on your donations for all that we do, here, at FamilyLife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, those of you who are listening to today\u2019s program, you can thank your fellow listeners who pitched in to make today\u2019s program possible by donating to support the ongoing work of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. If you\u2019d like to make this radio program possible for future listeners\u2014our website\/all that we\u2019re doing, here, at FamilyLife\u2014you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and make a donation. When you do, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Scott Kedersha\u2019s book, <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em> It\u2019s our thank-you gift for your support. You can also donate by calling 1-800-FLTODAY\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. Be sure to ask for the book, <em>Ready or Knot?<\/em>, when you call to donate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe want you to know how grateful we are for your partnership with us. Thanks for helping to support this work and helping to make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible for hundreds of thousands of people, who are tuned in, listening every day all across the country and around the world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just wanted to mention\u2014we have had a lot of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners get in touch with us, excited about the \u201cStronger Forever Marriage Fitness Plan\u201d that we put together, here, for couples for the summer. I think they\u2019re excited because of the exercises that we\u2019ve developed to help them strengthen their marriage relationship; but it may just be that they\u2019re excited because, by downloading the plan and starting to do some of these exercises, they are automatically entered in the contest we\u2019re having, where we\u2019re going to give one couple an all-expense-paid trip on the tenth anniversary <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise that happens in February of next year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you sign up and receive the \u201cStronger Forever\u201d material this summer, you have a chance to win a round-trip airfare\u2014we\u2019ll cover your hotel costs in Fort Lauderdale and, then, your cabin on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. One couple will win. There\u2019s no purchase necessary to enter. The contest began on July 1<sup>st<\/sup>, 2019; it ends on August 30<sup>th<\/sup>, 2019. Official rules can be found at FamilyLife.com\/StrongerForever. Even if you don\u2019t win, doing the exercises will be <em>great<\/em> for your marriage; but again, one of you is going to join us on the cruise next year; so find out more. Sign up when you go to FamilyLife.com\/StrongerForever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019ll be back with us, again, tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about how transparent an engaged couple ought to be with one another about their past, especially things in their past that they may be ashamed of or that they\u2019re embarrassed about. Scott Kedersha joins us, again, tomorrow to talk about that. I hope you can be here as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/305159","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305159"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305159"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305159"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305159"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=305159"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=305159"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=305159"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}