{"id":305095,"date":"2019-06-20T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-06-20T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/my-job-is-to-make-you-happy\/"},"modified":"2019-06-20T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-06-20T10:00:04","slug":"my-job-is-to-make-you-happy","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/my-job-is-to-make-you-happy\/","title":{"rendered":"&#8220;My Job is to Make You Happy&#8221;"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Even if couples make it past the selfish first stage and into stage two, &#8220;I&#8217;m here to serve my spouse,&#8221; Bob Lepine says there&#8217;s a third and even more profound stage of marital union.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-20.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:17","filesize":"24.98M","filesize_raw":"26197617","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809,2820,2862],"tags":[4449,4094,4034,6469,6366,6657],"podcast_series":[8283],"cwp_profile":[3142],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305095","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","category-lifelong-marriages","category-understanding-differences","tag-biblical-view-of-marriage","tag-early-years-of-marriage","tag-newlyweds","tag-serve","tag-serve-one-another","tag-three-phases-of-marriage","podcast_series-the-three-phases-of-marriage","cwp_profile-bob-lepine","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305095\/my-job-is-to-make-you-happy","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305095\/my-job-is-to-make-you-happy","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"n24aeVXepx\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/my-job-is-to-make-you-happy\/\">&#8220;My Job is to Make You Happy&#8221;<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/my-job-is-to-make-you-happy\/embed\/#?secret=n24aeVXepx\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;&#8220;My Job is to Make You Happy&#8221;&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"n24aeVXepx\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-20.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-20.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If we\u2019re honest, when most of us got married, we were thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s in this for <em>me<\/em>?\u201d Hopefully, we reach a point, where we think, \u201cI ought to be serving my spouse\u201d; but when we get to that point, there\u2019s still a ways for us to go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, June 20<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. If seeking to please my spouse in marriage is not the ultimate endgame; what is? We\u2019ll talk about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, here\u2019s what we\u2019re hoping is going to happen as you listen today. We\u2019re hoping that a lot of our listeners, who are thinking, \u201cI\u2019m where we\u2019re supposed to be in marriage,\u201d are going to go, \u201cOh, there\u2019s more than where we are.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is tied to my own journey\/my own story of our marriage; but I came to a\u2014kind of wake-up moment, where I said, \u201cOh, I thought this is what marriage is supposed to be all about; and there is something more to that.\u201d I\u2019m kind of teasing, where we are headed. I don\u2019t want to give away the punchline\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014here; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But we were just talking about this. I think a lot of people\/a lot of Christians would say, \u201cThe place you\u2019re supposed to get to in marriage\u2014that\u2019s the important place to get to\u2014is where you look at your spouse as more important than you.\u201d That\u2019s a good place to get to; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But it\u2019s not <em>enough<\/em>, and that\u2019s why I think people are going to be <em>so<\/em> intrigued by your message. I don\u2019t think some people have even heard this part of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know I had <em>never<\/em> heard it, even going into marriage. I thought the <em>goal<\/em> was to become selfless and put Ann first. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I got there. I did that Day One; didn\u2019t I, honey? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Uh\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014not quite?! You didn\u2019t even answer; I guess I didn\u2019t. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; yes is the right answer\u2014[Laughter]\u2014you did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It took decades. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the insight you\u2019re about to hear. There is a <em>whole<\/em> other level. Well, you call it a phase\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but it\u2019s like going to take you to a place that will sustain your marriage for <em>life<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly; this is from a message that I was able to give on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise, back in February, this year. We\u2019re going to hear Part Two of the message. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just need to mention, here, the 2020 cruise that the Wilsons are going to be on, along with Dennis and Barbara Rainey; and with Dr. Gary Chapman; and with Charlie and Kirstie Dates\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Quit doing that, because you\u2019re going to say it is sold out. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you\u2019re coming\u2014you and Mary Ann are coming. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ll be on the cruise, as well. It\u2019s not sold out yet; but it looks like, by the end of this month, it will be sold out. We\u2019re letting <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners know: \u201cIf you\u2019d like to join us in 2020 for the 10<sup>th<\/sup> Anniversary cruise, you need to get in touch with us this week for a couple of reasons. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners\u2014there\u2019s a special offer available to you guys. You can save $300 per couple off the regular cost of the stateroom if you register this week; and there are some additional perks that our team is throwing in, as well. You want to makes sure your stateroom is reserved before they are all gone.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Go to our website\u2014if you have any questions\/want to find out more about the cruise\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There is a link there that will tell you <em>all<\/em> about what\u2019s happening in 2020. If you\u2019re ready to register, or if you have any questions that you need answered, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d; but again, don\u2019t delay. Let us hear from you, and we hope to see you on board the 2020 <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll right; we\u2019re going to hear Part Two of the message that I shared on the cruise. I\u2019ve already talked, in this message, about Phase One of our marriage, where I was pretty much focused on: \u201cHow do I benefit from this relationship?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014making Bob happy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cAm I happy?\u201d\u2014right. Phase Two is where I had the wake-up call: \u201cIt\u2019s not supposed to be about me. I\u2019m supposed to die to self and serve Mary Ann.\u201d That\u2019s where we will pick things up here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is how I lived for a long time in our marriage. I thought my job: \u201cDie to self and make sure Mary Ann is happy. If she\u2019s happy, then God must be pleased with me; because He wants me to make her happy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is what I realized about Phase Two in our marriage. I realized that I was making the mistake of thinking that love is the same thing as making happy\u2014that if I\u2019m making my wife happy, I\u2019m loving her. That\u2019s not always the case; right? If I\u2019m making sure you\u2019re happy all the time, I may not be loving you anymore than if you make sure your kids are happy all the time\u2014you may not be loving them when you are doing that. Now, I\u2019m not trying to say that I parent Mary Ann; but it works both ways\u2014when both of us are thinking, \u201cI want to make you happy,\u201d \u201cNo; I want to make you happy,\u201d that\u2019s different than thinking, \u201cI want to <em>love<\/em> you well.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also thought that dying to self meant you should always get your way; and I should never get my way. I also thought being unselfish means, \u201cWe\u2019ll do whatever <em>you<\/em> want.\u201d Well, here\u2019s the problem with that\u2014in a very subtle way, I was saying to Mary Ann: \u201cLook, you\u2019re in the driver\u2019s seat. It\u2019s all on <em>you<\/em>. Whatever you say, I\u2019m just here to serve.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I remember reading in Mark 11, where Jesus said, \u201cWhoever would be great among you must be your servant. Whoever would be first among you must be the slave of all.\u201d I thought, \u201cOkay; I need to be Mary Ann\u2019s slave.\u201d It would work like this: We would face a decision in our marriage; and I would try to think, \u201cOkay; which choice is going to make Mary Ann happy?\u2014because I want to do what\u2019s going to make her happy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe wasn\u2019t asking me to do this. In fact, there were times she really didn\u2019t like that that\u2019s how I was thinking; because no woman really wants a butler or a lapdog; right? They want somebody, who is a partner in this whole thing. She didn\u2019t want the pressure of always thinking, \u201cIt needs to be my way.\u201d That\u2019s a lot of pressure for somebody; but I thought this was what being the slave of all was supposed to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, listen\u2014again, I\u2019m not saying, here, in Phase Two\u2014it\u2019s not <em>wrong<\/em> for you to defer to your spouse. It\u2019s not wrong for you to stop and ask the question: \u201cWhat would <em>please<\/em> my spouse? What would make them happy? How can I <em>honor<\/em> them? How can I be unselfish?\u201d Those are all good, biblical questions to be asking. Phase Two is saying, \u201cAm I making my spouse happy?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s progress. The problem is when you get stuck there\/when you think Phase Two is where you are supposed to land\u2014it\u2019s the end of the story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is another step you\u2019re supposed to go to. If Phase One is: \u201cDoes this make <em>me<\/em> happy?\u201d; Phase Two is: \u201cDoes this make <em>you<\/em> happy?\u201d; you know what Phase Three is; right?\u2014\u201cDoes this make God happy?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s a God-centered marriage. It\u2019s when you stop asking the question about: \u201cWhat would please us?\u201d and you start asking the question: \u201cWhat would please <em>Him<\/em>?\u201d It\u2019s a marriage that <em>transitions<\/em>. This, by the way, is the foundational question we should be asking in a marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I\u2019m going to make a pretty bold statement here; and I think I\u2019m on solid ground. When both of you are asking the question together\/when you\u2019re saying, \u201cThis is what we want for our marriage. We want a marriage that\u2019s pleasing to God,\u201d\u2014when you make that your aim and objective and the two of you have come together to say, \u201cThis is what we want to have happen,\u201d that\u2019s when transformation happens in a marriage. Transformation doesn\u2019t happen when you\u2019re saying, \u201cWill this please <em>me<\/em>?\u201d Transformation doesn\u2019t happen when you\u2019re saying, \u201cHow can I please <em>you<\/em>?\u201d It only happens when the two of you, together, say, \u201cHow can we please God?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let me give you some illustrations of how this God-centered phase works differently than the self-centered or the other-centered phase of a marriage relationship. We\u2019ll take a couple of issues\u2014like, let\u2019s take the issue of anger. Maybe, some of you would say, \u201cYes; I\u2019ve got an anger problem\u201d; or maybe, you\u2019d say, \u201cI don\u2019t have an anger problem,\u201d and your spouse would say, \u201cOh, yes; you do.\u201d When they say that, that makes you really angry; [Laughter] and so\u2014bingo!\u2014yes; you\u2019ve got\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you\u2019ve got an anger issue\u2014and it flares up from time to time\u2014in a Phase One phase of a relationship, you will find yourself thinking: \u201cWell, look. It\u2019s not <em>my<\/em> problem. If these people would just do what they are supposed to do\u2026\u201d \/ \u201cIf they would act the way they are supposed to act, I wouldn\u2019t be getting angry. It\u2019s not <em>me <\/em>that\u2019s\u2014it\u2019s <em>them<\/em> provoking the anger. They are the problem,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s Phase One. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let me pause here again. There may be a kernel of truth to that. It may be that people, who are provoking you to anger, need to be coached, and taught, and discipled so that they turn the anger thermostat down in your life; but that whole idea of \u201cMy anger is justified,\u201d is the wrong way to be thinking about your anger issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you move to Phase Two, you think: \u201cOkay; it\u2019s not about me. It\u2019s about dying to self. It\u2019s about serving others.\u201d In a Phase Two situation, you are saying to yourself: \u201cMy job, now, is to please my spouse. So, when I start to feel anger bubbling up in me, what I need to do is count to ten, clinch my teeth, go in the other room, breathe deeply, and just come out and say, \u2018Okay; if that\u2019s what you want\u2019\u201d; right? This is kind of: \u201cHere\u2019s how we\u2019re supposed to manage our anger,\u201d with this kind of behavior modification approach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the problem with that approach\u2014you take that approach to your anger issues, and one of two things is going to happen. You\u2019re either just kind of swallowing it and stuffing it; and it goes into this little anger tank inside of you, which is a toxic waste dump for anger; and it just stores up there. One day, somebody says something, and the whole thing just explodes\u2014it just spews out, and all the toxicity just comes out in one fell swoop. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEither <em>that<\/em> happens <em>or<\/em> you start just biting your\u2014you grit your teeth\u2014and you say, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m not going to get angry\u201d; but here\u2019s what happens\u2014you start just moving toward isolation. You just start drifting apart: \u201cWhy do you want to come together with somebody when there is anger being provoked?\u201d Maybe, you don\u2019t erupt; but there\u2019s not oneness happening in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you\u2019re moving into Phase Three, Phase Three asks the question: \u201cI\u2019m feeling angry. What would God want me to do? What would please the Lord in our relationship when I feel angry?\u201d You come across verses like this one from Colossians 3, which says, \u201cNow, you also must put them aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth,\u201d\u2014and go\u2014\u201cThis is what God wants; God wants me to put this aside. So, how do I <em>do<\/em> that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, you read a little farther, and it says, \u201cAs you, who have been chosen by God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.\u201d How do you get rid of the anger and the other? You have to <em>replace<\/em> it. You can\u2019t just try to chase it out and hope it stays away. You\u2019ve got to be developing these godly virtues in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say, \u201cHow do I develop those godly virtues?\u201d Well, C.S. Lewis said, \u201cThe best way to develop a virtue is pretend like you already have it.\u201d I\u2019ve always thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a good approach\u201d; because let\u2019s say you say, \u201cI lack kindness.\u201d \u201cOkay; here is your assignment: \u2018Pretend like you are a kind person, and do that for a long time\u201d; and guess what will happen? Through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, as you are yielded to that and say: \u201cThis is who I want to be. Lord, help me be this kind of person,\u201d God will grow <em>kindness<\/em> in you as you do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can\u2019t just chase out the bad; you\u2019ve got to replace it with the good. This is what the Bible calls the put-off\/put-on principle, and that\u2019s how you deal with your anger. Again, it\u2019s you and your spouse saying: \u201cWe want our marriage to be what God wants it to be. So, dealing with anger, we\u2019re going to come together and say, \u2018What would God have us do? He would have me put these things off; He would have me put these things on. Let\u2019s work together, as a team, to try to make these things happen.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, it\u2019s about pleasing God, not about me or you being pleased; but guess what? You and I are both going to be pleased when we are pleasing God this way; okay? So, does that make sense? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s a second illustration. One of you wants sex more often than the other; okay? In Phase One, you\u2019re looking at it, saying, \u201cI want more sex\u201d; and you\u2019re saying: \u201cI have needs; these needs should be met. You remember, spouse, when you said, \u2018To have and to hold from this day forward\u2019\u2014do you remember saying that? Okay; time for some having and holding\u201d; right?\u2014that\u2019s what you\u2019re thinking because \u201cI have needs. You\u2019re the only <em>legitimate<\/em> way for these needs to be met. So, let\u2019s get after it. Meet my needs,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s Phase One thinking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPhase Two thinking is: \u201cOkay; I have these needs; I\u2019d like to have sex. She\u2019s not interested,\u201d or \u201cHe\u2019s not interested,\u201d\u2014whatever it winds up being\u2014\u201cand so, I\u2019m not going to press the issue. I\u2019m just going to defer. I know this person is tired,\u201d or \u201c\u2026distracted,\u201d\u2014or whatever else\u2014\u201cI\u2019ll just defer, and I\u2019ll just\u2014I\u2019ll sacrifice, and I\u2019ll die to self and die to my needs.\u201d You\u2019re thinking, \u201cThat\u2019s how I\u2019m supposed to do this\u2014grit my teeth, accept disappointment, and don\u2019t be selfish.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe problem with that is: \u201cWhen you take the grit-your-teeth approach, either you\u2019ll store up bitterness and resentment, or you\u2019ll start to be susceptible to the lure\/the attractiveness of other people, who are coming along, who are more open to that idea with you,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s the culture we live in today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s Phase Three: \u201cWhat would God want?\u201d Well, it\u2019s in 1 Corinthians 7: \u201cBecause of the temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, likewise, the wife to her husband.\u201d That means you both should give each other sex; okay? That\u2019s what conjugal rights mean. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThe wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.\u201d Now, I\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014that verse always kind of tripped me up; because I thought: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to apply that verse. So, I\u2019m going to say to Mary Ann: \u2018You don\u2019t have authority over your body. I do. So, let\u2019s go\u2019\u201d; right? [Laughter] She was going to say back to me: \u201cWell, you don\u2019t have authority over your body; I do. So, go take a cold shower\u201d; right? [Laughter] How is that supposed to work out in real life? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, the way it is supposed to work out in real life is\u2014you are thinking, \u201cWhat would please God, and how can I <em>serve<\/em> my spouse?\u201d That means there are some times when I go: \u201cYou know, she has had a hard day; and she is exhausted. I just need to back off.\u201d There are some times when she might be thinking: \u201cYou know, it\u2019s been a while; and I can imagine he\u2019s frustrated. Even though I\u2019m not feeling it, I need to be available.\u201d <em>That\u2019s<\/em> a part of how we deny ourselves\u2014not just to please the other person\u2014but because we know: \u201cThis is what God wants for our marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tVerse 5 says, \u201cDon\u2019t deprive one another except for perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer.\u201d This says there may be a season, where you are devoting yourselves to prayer; but it\u2019s a season\u2014and \u201cThen come back together again so Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.\u201d The Bible is <em>so<\/em> practical on this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is the question\u2014with your sexual relationship\u2014it\u2019s not: \u201cWhat do I want?\u201d \/ \u201cHow do I deny myself?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s the question of: \u201cWhat does God want?\u201d and \u201cCan we, together, get on the same page for what God wants to happen in our marriage?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, look\u2014you can apply this same kind of principle to issues like finances; or in-law issues; or raising the kids; or you\u2019ve got issues from the past that show up, and it triggers something in you. The Phase One part of you comes out and says: \u201cWell, this is how it should be. This would please me.\u201d Then, you go: \u201cNo; I need to die to self\u201d; but then, you\u2019ve got to get together and say: \u201cWe want our marriage to please God. How can we get on the same page with this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do you find the answers to all of those issues? Here is the good news\u2014God wrote a Book; okay? He gives us <em>answers<\/em> in there about what would please Him. So, if we want to know what would please God in our marriage, we\u2019ve got to be people in the Book. We\u2019ve got to be spending time reading God\u2019s Word together. If you want to ask the question, \u201cHow can I please God?\u201d, read your Bible, go to church, get godly counsel, and listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> everyday on the radio; okay? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen\u2014I told you Mary Ann and I are coming up on 40 years of marriage\u2014and we still drift in and out of these phases. It can happen in a given day, where at one moment, I\u2019m in Phase One\u2014it\u2019s all about what I want\u2014and I have to remind myself of what the Bible says. Another moment, I\u2019m going, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to deny myself, even though this is what I want. I\u2019m going to put myself\u2026\u201d\u2014\u201cNo; what does <em>God<\/em> want?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is the good news\u2014after almost 40 years, we\u2019ve learned to recognize these traps and see them for what they are. We can get to what God wants quicker than we used to, because we\u2019ve taught ourselves to spot Phase One and Phase Two and to get to Phase Three. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want to go back and say, \u201cPhase One is not wrong; Phase Two is not wrong\u2014they are just not the foundation.\u201d Once you\u2019ve built the foundation, you can bring Phase One and Phase Two into the equation and say: \u201cOkay; this is what God wants. God wants us not to deprive one another in sex. Let\u2019s talk about what would serve you and what would please me, and let\u2019s have this conversation so that we can be <em>together<\/em> on this page.\u201d It\u2019s built on a foundation of \u201cWe want to serve God.\u201d Ultimately, at the end of the day\u2014it\u2019s not: \u201cWhat would please me?\u201d or \u201cWhat would <em>serve<\/em> you?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s, ultimately, \u201cWhat would please God?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Years ago, I asked a group of pastors\u2014I was getting ready to speak to a group of pre-marrieds\u2014and I asked them\u2014I said: \u201cIf you were going to speak to pre-marrieds, and you were going to give them one verse of the Bible to talk to them about marriage and you couldn\u2019t use the go-to passages\u2014no Ephesians 5, no 1 Peter 3, not even \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGenesis 2; you can\u2019t use those; and Song of Solomon is off limits, because they are pre-married; okay?\u2014[Laughter]\u2014if you\u2019re going to do that, where would you go?\u201d I got some great answers from these pastors. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne said, \u201cI\u2019d go to Ephesians 4:1-3, which talks about the unity of the Spirit, and the bond of peace, and what\u2019s needed for that to happen.\u201d Another one said, \u201cI\u2019d go on down in Ephesians 4, to where it talks about: \u2018Be angry; do not sin, don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger.\u2019\u201d That\u2019s good, practical advice. Another one said, \u201cWell, I\u2019d go to the end of Ephesians 4, where it says, \u2018Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other even as God for Christ\u2019s sake has forgiven you.\u2019\u201d Those were all good answers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut two of the pastors said, \u201cHere is my verse.\u201d When they both shared the same verse\u2014and when they shared it with me\u2014I went, \u201cThat\u2019s the one; that\u2019s the verse.\u201d It surprised me\u2014because I had <em>heard<\/em> this verse; in fact, I had <em>sung<\/em> this verse in a song, and I <em>knew<\/em> the verse\u2014I just <em>never<\/em> thought of it in the context of marriage. It\u2019s \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPsalm 34:3; and it says, \u201cO, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.\u201d That\u2019s the foundation\u2014that\u2019s Phase Three: \u201cO, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat should be at the ground level of our marriage?\u2014that desire\u2014that our marriage would magnify and glorify Him: \u201cI want what pleases God to be the foundation of our marriage,\u201d and \u201cI know I\u2019ve got to curb the Phase One, what-pleases-me side of me, and I\u2019ve got to be aware of the Phase Two, \u2018How do I serve you even if it frustrates me?\u2019\u2014I don\u2019t ignore those\u2014but the foundation of it has got to be: \u2018O, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s my prayer for you tonight; in fact: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, I just want to pray for these couples, and just ask for all of us, that You would burn into our heart and soul the desire for our marriages to magnify, and please, and glorify You. We want, more than anything, for our marriages to be a testimony of Your grace.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, we confess to You that there are times when that desire is overwhelmed by our personal interests; or there are times when we take on the approach of a martyr and say, \u201cWe\u2019re going to defer to our spouse,\u201d really, because we just want to keep the peace. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, help us to <em>make<\/em> the foundation of our marriage <em>Your<\/em> glory and <em>Your<\/em> honor. Let us ask the question: \u201cWhat would please the Lord?\u201d and then live that out in our marriages. We ask that in Your name; Amen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening to Part Two of the message from the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. Really, I\u2019m listening to that, thinking, \u201cAll I\u2019m saying is, \u2018Go vertical\u2019\u201d; right? [Laughter] That\u2019s the whole thing I\u2019m saying\u2014it\u2019s the same message\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That is <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014that\u2019s at the heart of what you guys\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014of our book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014have been talking about, on marriage, for years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s a great message. I\u2019m <em>so glad<\/em> that you delivered that, because we <em>all<\/em> need to hear it. We need to be reminded, but it\u2019s not easy to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not at all. It\u2019s interesting\u2014you\u2019re talking about what pastors told you. You know what came to my mind? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did you tell them they couldn\u2019t use Matthew?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This is Matthew 7: \u201cTherefore, if everyone who hears these words of Mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Jesus talks about the storms are coming, but that house is going to stand because it\u2019s built on Jesus\/on the Rock, which is your whole point. Then, He says, \u201cAnyone who hears these words of Mine and does <em>not<\/em> put them into practice is a fool, who built his house on the sand. The storms are coming.\u201d So, that would be\u2014that\u2019s vertical. That\u2019s going and saying that Phase Three is really the most important phase, where I get to the point where it\u2019s not about me\u2014it\u2019s not even about my spouse\u2014it\u2019s about honoring Christ and making <em>Him<\/em> the foundation of our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You guys use the triangle imagery,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014where a husband and a wife are at the base of the triangle. The closer they get to aligning with God\u2019s purposes, the closer they get to one another as they go up the sides of the triangle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think about that: \u201cLet\u2019s be united in the goal of pleasing <em>me<\/em>,\u201d\u2014then, we\u2019re going to be lopsided. If we say, \u201cWell, let\u2019s be united in the goal of pleasing <em>you<\/em>,\u201d\u2014we\u2019re going to lopsided. Even if we try to say, \u201cLet\u2019s be united in the goal of pleasing each other,\u201d\u2014those are good and important things\u2014but when you can say, \u201cLet\u2019s be united, together, in the goal of pleasing God,\u201d then, when one or the other of us is <em>not<\/em> pleased, we can come back and say, \u201cWell, what would please God here?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s how you get back in alignment in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That takes away the expectations of what my spouse is <em>not<\/em> doing when I have been <em>so<\/em> loving, and have been <em>so<\/em> serving, and I\u2019ve been <em>so<\/em> about him; because this isn\u2019t about our spouse\u2014whether your spouse goes there or not\u2014we still can draw closer to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We can still do it unto Him. That makes a big difference; because there are a lot of listeners\u2014that their husbands will not respond or, maybe, their wife will not do anything\u2014but we still <em>can<\/em>. That brings <em>glory<\/em> to God. It\u2019s something that\u2019s <em>really<\/em> important for us to engage with Him, because He <em>fills<\/em> us up\u2014He gives us purpose, and He <em>reminds<\/em> us that He is with us and sees us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m just thinking back to the week that we had, back in February, on the cruise and just what a spiritually-refreshing week that was for all of us. Clearly, it\u2019s a lot of fun; it\u2019s relaxing; but it\u2019s also spiritually-invigorating and enriching. I hope many of our listeners can join us on the cruise this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mentioned, earlier, we are about 90 percent sold out. We expect to be completely sold out by the end of this month. So, if you are interested\u2014if you\u2019d like to find out more\/if you think you can join us Valentine\u2019s week, February 11<sup>th<\/sup> through the 17<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com. The information is available there. If you are ready to book your cabin, or if you have any questions, call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Get in touch with us quickly. There are some incentives available for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners if you book this week. You\u2019ll save $300 per couple off the cost of your cabin; some additional perks have been thrown into that. Find out more when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We hope you can join us on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to hear a message from the cruise from Alex Kendrick, who has a brand-new movie that is coming out, here, in a couple of months called <em>Overcomer<\/em>. We\u2019ll hear more about the movie and hear a great message from Alex on tomorrow\u2019s program. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:17"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.98M"],"filesize_raw":["26197617"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305095.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305095.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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if couples make it past the selfish first stage and into stage two, \"I'm here to serve my spouse,\" Bob Lepine says there's a third and even more profound stage of marital union.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-20.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If we\u2019re honest, when most of us got married, we were thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s in this for <em>me<\/em>?\u201d Hopefully, we reach a point, where we think, \u201cI ought to be serving my spouse\u201d; but when we get to that point, there\u2019s still a ways for us to go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, June 20<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I\u2019m Bob Lepine. If seeking to please my spouse in marriage is not the ultimate endgame; what is? We\u2019ll talk about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, here\u2019s what we\u2019re hoping is going to happen as you listen today. We\u2019re hoping that a lot of our listeners, who are thinking, \u201cI\u2019m where we\u2019re supposed to be in marriage,\u201d are going to go, \u201cOh, there\u2019s more than where we are.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is tied to my own journey\/my own story of our marriage; but I came to a\u2014kind of wake-up moment, where I said, \u201cOh, I thought this is what marriage is supposed to be all about; and there is something more to that.\u201d I\u2019m kind of teasing, where we are headed. I don\u2019t want to give away the punchline\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014here; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But we were just talking about this. I think a lot of people\/a lot of Christians would say, \u201cThe place you\u2019re supposed to get to in marriage\u2014that\u2019s the important place to get to\u2014is where you look at your spouse as more important than you.\u201d That\u2019s a good place to get to; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But it\u2019s not <em>enough<\/em>, and that\u2019s why I think people are going to be <em>so<\/em> intrigued by your message. I don\u2019t think some people have even heard this part of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know I had <em>never<\/em> heard it, even going into marriage. I thought the <em>goal<\/em> was to become selfless and put Ann first. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I got there. I did that Day One; didn\u2019t I, honey? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Uh\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014not quite?! You didn\u2019t even answer; I guess I didn\u2019t. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; yes is the right answer\u2014[Laughter]\u2014you did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It took decades. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the insight you\u2019re about to hear. There is a <em>whole<\/em> other level. Well, you call it a phase\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but it\u2019s like going to take you to a place that will sustain your marriage for <em>life<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Exactly; this is from a message that I was able to give on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise, back in February, this year. We\u2019re going to hear Part Two of the message. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just need to mention, here, the 2020 cruise that the Wilsons are going to be on, along with Dennis and Barbara Rainey; and with Dr. Gary Chapman; and with Charlie and Kirstie Dates\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Quit doing that, because you\u2019re going to say it is sold out. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you\u2019re coming\u2014you and Mary Ann are coming. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ll be on the cruise, as well. It\u2019s not sold out yet; but it looks like, by the end of this month, it will be sold out. We\u2019re letting <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners know: \u201cIf you\u2019d like to join us in 2020 for the 10<sup>th<\/sup> Anniversary cruise, you need to get in touch with us this week for a couple of reasons. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners\u2014there\u2019s a special offer available to you guys. You can save $300 per couple off the regular cost of the stateroom if you register this week; and there are some additional perks that our team is throwing in, as well. You want to makes sure your stateroom is reserved before they are all gone.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Go to our website\u2014if you have any questions\/want to find out more about the cruise\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There is a link there that will tell you <em>all<\/em> about what\u2019s happening in 2020. If you\u2019re ready to register, or if you have any questions that you need answered, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY\u201d; but again, don\u2019t delay. Let us hear from you, and we hope to see you on board the 2020 <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll right; we\u2019re going to hear Part Two of the message that I shared on the cruise. I\u2019ve already talked, in this message, about Phase One of our marriage, where I was pretty much focused on: \u201cHow do I benefit from this relationship?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014making Bob happy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cAm I happy?\u201d\u2014right. Phase Two is where I had the wake-up call: \u201cIt\u2019s not supposed to be about me. I\u2019m supposed to die to self and serve Mary Ann.\u201d That\u2019s where we will pick things up here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is how I lived for a long time in our marriage. I thought my job: \u201cDie to self and make sure Mary Ann is happy. If she\u2019s happy, then God must be pleased with me; because He wants me to make her happy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is what I realized about Phase Two in our marriage. I realized that I was making the mistake of thinking that love is the same thing as making happy\u2014that if I\u2019m making my wife happy, I\u2019m loving her. That\u2019s not always the case; right? If I\u2019m making sure you\u2019re happy all the time, I may not be loving you anymore than if you make sure your kids are happy all the time\u2014you may not be loving them when you are doing that. Now, I\u2019m not trying to say that I parent Mary Ann; but it works both ways\u2014when both of us are thinking, \u201cI want to make you happy,\u201d \u201cNo; I want to make you happy,\u201d that\u2019s different than thinking, \u201cI want to <em>love<\/em> you well.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI also thought that dying to self meant you should always get your way; and I should never get my way. I also thought being unselfish means, \u201cWe\u2019ll do whatever <em>you<\/em> want.\u201d Well, here\u2019s the problem with that\u2014in a very subtle way, I was saying to Mary Ann: \u201cLook, you\u2019re in the driver\u2019s seat. It\u2019s all on <em>you<\/em>. Whatever you say, I\u2019m just here to serve.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I remember reading in Mark 11, where Jesus said, \u201cWhoever would be great among you must be your servant. Whoever would be first among you must be the slave of all.\u201d I thought, \u201cOkay; I need to be Mary Ann\u2019s slave.\u201d It would work like this: We would face a decision in our marriage; and I would try to think, \u201cOkay; which choice is going to make Mary Ann happy?\u2014because I want to do what\u2019s going to make her happy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe wasn\u2019t asking me to do this. In fact, there were times she really didn\u2019t like that that\u2019s how I was thinking; because no woman really wants a butler or a lapdog; right? They want somebody, who is a partner in this whole thing. She didn\u2019t want the pressure of always thinking, \u201cIt needs to be my way.\u201d That\u2019s a lot of pressure for somebody; but I thought this was what being the slave of all was supposed to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, listen\u2014again, I\u2019m not saying, here, in Phase Two\u2014it\u2019s not <em>wrong<\/em> for you to defer to your spouse. It\u2019s not wrong for you to stop and ask the question: \u201cWhat would <em>please<\/em> my spouse? What would make them happy? How can I <em>honor<\/em> them? How can I be unselfish?\u201d Those are all good, biblical questions to be asking. Phase Two is saying, \u201cAm I making my spouse happy?\u201d\u2014that\u2019s progress. The problem is when you get stuck there\/when you think Phase Two is where you are supposed to land\u2014it\u2019s the end of the story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is another step you\u2019re supposed to go to. If Phase One is: \u201cDoes this make <em>me<\/em> happy?\u201d; Phase Two is: \u201cDoes this make <em>you<\/em> happy?\u201d; you know what Phase Three is; right?\u2014\u201cDoes this make God happy?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s a God-centered marriage. It\u2019s when you stop asking the question about: \u201cWhat would please us?\u201d and you start asking the question: \u201cWhat would please <em>Him<\/em>?\u201d It\u2019s a marriage that <em>transitions<\/em>. This, by the way, is the foundational question we should be asking in a marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I\u2019m going to make a pretty bold statement here; and I think I\u2019m on solid ground. When both of you are asking the question together\/when you\u2019re saying, \u201cThis is what we want for our marriage. We want a marriage that\u2019s pleasing to God,\u201d\u2014when you make that your aim and objective and the two of you have come together to say, \u201cThis is what we want to have happen,\u201d that\u2019s when transformation happens in a marriage. Transformation doesn\u2019t happen when you\u2019re saying, \u201cWill this please <em>me<\/em>?\u201d Transformation doesn\u2019t happen when you\u2019re saying, \u201cHow can I please <em>you<\/em>?\u201d It only happens when the two of you, together, say, \u201cHow can we please God?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let me give you some illustrations of how this God-centered phase works differently than the self-centered or the other-centered phase of a marriage relationship. We\u2019ll take a couple of issues\u2014like, let\u2019s take the issue of anger. Maybe, some of you would say, \u201cYes; I\u2019ve got an anger problem\u201d; or maybe, you\u2019d say, \u201cI don\u2019t have an anger problem,\u201d and your spouse would say, \u201cOh, yes; you do.\u201d When they say that, that makes you really angry; [Laughter] and so\u2014bingo!\u2014yes; you\u2019ve got\u2026\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you\u2019ve got an anger issue\u2014and it flares up from time to time\u2014in a Phase One phase of a relationship, you will find yourself thinking: \u201cWell, look. It\u2019s not <em>my<\/em> problem. If these people would just do what they are supposed to do\u2026\u201d \/ \u201cIf they would act the way they are supposed to act, I wouldn\u2019t be getting angry. It\u2019s not <em>me <\/em>that\u2019s\u2014it\u2019s <em>them<\/em> provoking the anger. They are the problem,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s Phase One. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let me pause here again. There may be a kernel of truth to that. It may be that people, who are provoking you to anger, need to be coached, and taught, and discipled so that they turn the anger thermostat down in your life; but that whole idea of \u201cMy anger is justified,\u201d is the wrong way to be thinking about your anger issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you move to Phase Two, you think: \u201cOkay; it\u2019s not about me. It\u2019s about dying to self. It\u2019s about serving others.\u201d In a Phase Two situation, you are saying to yourself: \u201cMy job, now, is to please my spouse. So, when I start to feel anger bubbling up in me, what I need to do is count to ten, clinch my teeth, go in the other room, breathe deeply, and just come out and say, \u2018Okay; if that\u2019s what you want\u2019\u201d; right? This is kind of: \u201cHere\u2019s how we\u2019re supposed to manage our anger,\u201d with this kind of behavior modification approach. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the problem with that approach\u2014you take that approach to your anger issues, and one of two things is going to happen. You\u2019re either just kind of swallowing it and stuffing it; and it goes into this little anger tank inside of you, which is a toxic waste dump for anger; and it just stores up there. One day, somebody says something, and the whole thing just explodes\u2014it just spews out, and all the toxicity just comes out in one fell swoop. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEither <em>that<\/em> happens <em>or<\/em> you start just biting your\u2014you grit your teeth\u2014and you say, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m not going to get angry\u201d; but here\u2019s what happens\u2014you start just moving toward isolation. You just start drifting apart: \u201cWhy do you want to come together with somebody when there is anger being provoked?\u201d Maybe, you don\u2019t erupt; but there\u2019s not oneness happening in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if you\u2019re moving into Phase Three, Phase Three asks the question: \u201cI\u2019m feeling angry. What would God want me to do? What would please the Lord in our relationship when I feel angry?\u201d You come across verses like this one from Colossians 3, which says, \u201cNow, you also must put them aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth,\u201d\u2014and go\u2014\u201cThis is what God wants; God wants me to put this aside. So, how do I <em>do<\/em> that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, you read a little farther, and it says, \u201cAs you, who have been chosen by God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.\u201d How do you get rid of the anger and the other? You have to <em>replace<\/em> it. You can\u2019t just try to chase it out and hope it stays away. You\u2019ve got to be developing these godly virtues in your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou say, \u201cHow do I develop those godly virtues?\u201d Well, C.S. Lewis said, \u201cThe best way to develop a virtue is pretend like you already have it.\u201d I\u2019ve always thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a good approach\u201d; because let\u2019s say you say, \u201cI lack kindness.\u201d \u201cOkay; here is your assignment: \u2018Pretend like you are a kind person, and do that for a long time\u201d; and guess what will happen? Through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, as you are yielded to that and say: \u201cThis is who I want to be. Lord, help me be this kind of person,\u201d God will grow <em>kindness<\/em> in you as you do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can\u2019t just chase out the bad; you\u2019ve got to replace it with the good. This is what the Bible calls the put-off\/put-on principle, and that\u2019s how you deal with your anger. Again, it\u2019s you and your spouse saying: \u201cWe want our marriage to be what God wants it to be. So, dealing with anger, we\u2019re going to come together and say, \u2018What would God have us do? He would have me put these things off; He would have me put these things on. Let\u2019s work together, as a team, to try to make these things happen.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, it\u2019s about pleasing God, not about me or you being pleased; but guess what? You and I are both going to be pleased when we are pleasing God this way; okay? So, does that make sense? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s a second illustration. One of you wants sex more often than the other; okay? In Phase One, you\u2019re looking at it, saying, \u201cI want more sex\u201d; and you\u2019re saying: \u201cI have needs; these needs should be met. You remember, spouse, when you said, \u2018To have and to hold from this day forward\u2019\u2014do you remember saying that? Okay; time for some having and holding\u201d; right?\u2014that\u2019s what you\u2019re thinking because \u201cI have needs. You\u2019re the only <em>legitimate<\/em> way for these needs to be met. So, let\u2019s get after it. Meet my needs,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s Phase One thinking. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPhase Two thinking is: \u201cOkay; I have these needs; I\u2019d like to have sex. She\u2019s not interested,\u201d or \u201cHe\u2019s not interested,\u201d\u2014whatever it winds up being\u2014\u201cand so, I\u2019m not going to press the issue. I\u2019m just going to defer. I know this person is tired,\u201d or \u201c\u2026distracted,\u201d\u2014or whatever else\u2014\u201cI\u2019ll just defer, and I\u2019ll just\u2014I\u2019ll sacrifice, and I\u2019ll die to self and die to my needs.\u201d You\u2019re thinking, \u201cThat\u2019s how I\u2019m supposed to do this\u2014grit my teeth, accept disappointment, and don\u2019t be selfish.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe problem with that is: \u201cWhen you take the grit-your-teeth approach, either you\u2019ll store up bitterness and resentment, or you\u2019ll start to be susceptible to the lure\/the attractiveness of other people, who are coming along, who are more open to that idea with you,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s the culture we live in today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s Phase Three: \u201cWhat would God want?\u201d Well, it\u2019s in 1 Corinthians 7: \u201cBecause of the temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, likewise, the wife to her husband.\u201d That means you both should give each other sex; okay? That\u2019s what conjugal rights mean. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThe wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.\u201d Now, I\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014that verse always kind of tripped me up; because I thought: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to apply that verse. So, I\u2019m going to say to Mary Ann: \u2018You don\u2019t have authority over your body. I do. So, let\u2019s go\u2019\u201d; right? [Laughter] She was going to say back to me: \u201cWell, you don\u2019t have authority over your body; I do. So, go take a cold shower\u201d; right? [Laughter] How is that supposed to work out in real life? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, the way it is supposed to work out in real life is\u2014you are thinking, \u201cWhat would please God, and how can I <em>serve<\/em> my spouse?\u201d That means there are some times when I go: \u201cYou know, she has had a hard day; and she is exhausted. I just need to back off.\u201d There are some times when she might be thinking: \u201cYou know, it\u2019s been a while; and I can imagine he\u2019s frustrated. Even though I\u2019m not feeling it, I need to be available.\u201d <em>That\u2019s<\/em> a part of how we deny ourselves\u2014not just to please the other person\u2014but because we know: \u201cThis is what God wants for our marriage.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tVerse 5 says, \u201cDon\u2019t deprive one another except for perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer.\u201d This says there may be a season, where you are devoting yourselves to prayer; but it\u2019s a season\u2014and \u201cThen come back together again so Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.\u201d The Bible is <em>so<\/em> practical on this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is the question\u2014with your sexual relationship\u2014it\u2019s not: \u201cWhat do I want?\u201d \/ \u201cHow do I deny myself?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s the question of: \u201cWhat does God want?\u201d and \u201cCan we, together, get on the same page for what God wants to happen in our marriage?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, look\u2014you can apply this same kind of principle to issues like finances; or in-law issues; or raising the kids; or you\u2019ve got issues from the past that show up, and it triggers something in you. The Phase One part of you comes out and says: \u201cWell, this is how it should be. This would please me.\u201d Then, you go: \u201cNo; I need to die to self\u201d; but then, you\u2019ve got to get together and say: \u201cWe want our marriage to please God. How can we get on the same page with this?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow do you find the answers to all of those issues? Here is the good news\u2014God wrote a Book; okay? He gives us <em>answers<\/em> in there about what would please Him. So, if we want to know what would please God in our marriage, we\u2019ve got to be people in the Book. We\u2019ve got to be spending time reading God\u2019s Word together. If you want to ask the question, \u201cHow can I please God?\u201d, read your Bible, go to church, get godly counsel, and listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> everyday on the radio; okay? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tListen\u2014I told you Mary Ann and I are coming up on 40 years of marriage\u2014and we still drift in and out of these phases. It can happen in a given day, where at one moment, I\u2019m in Phase One\u2014it\u2019s all about what I want\u2014and I have to remind myself of what the Bible says. Another moment, I\u2019m going, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to deny myself, even though this is what I want. I\u2019m going to put myself\u2026\u201d\u2014\u201cNo; what does <em>God<\/em> want?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is the good news\u2014after almost 40 years, we\u2019ve learned to recognize these traps and see them for what they are. We can get to what God wants quicker than we used to, because we\u2019ve taught ourselves to spot Phase One and Phase Two and to get to Phase Three. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I want to go back and say, \u201cPhase One is not wrong; Phase Two is not wrong\u2014they are just not the foundation.\u201d Once you\u2019ve built the foundation, you can bring Phase One and Phase Two into the equation and say: \u201cOkay; this is what God wants. God wants us not to deprive one another in sex. Let\u2019s talk about what would serve you and what would please me, and let\u2019s have this conversation so that we can be <em>together<\/em> on this page.\u201d It\u2019s built on a foundation of \u201cWe want to serve God.\u201d Ultimately, at the end of the day\u2014it\u2019s not: \u201cWhat would please me?\u201d or \u201cWhat would <em>serve<\/em> you?\u201d\u2014it\u2019s, ultimately, \u201cWhat would please God?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Years ago, I asked a group of pastors\u2014I was getting ready to speak to a group of pre-marrieds\u2014and I asked them\u2014I said: \u201cIf you were going to speak to pre-marrieds, and you were going to give them one verse of the Bible to talk to them about marriage and you couldn\u2019t use the go-to passages\u2014no Ephesians 5, no 1 Peter 3, not even \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGenesis 2; you can\u2019t use those; and Song of Solomon is off limits, because they are pre-married; okay?\u2014[Laughter]\u2014if you\u2019re going to do that, where would you go?\u201d I got some great answers from these pastors. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne said, \u201cI\u2019d go to Ephesians 4:1-3, which talks about the unity of the Spirit, and the bond of peace, and what\u2019s needed for that to happen.\u201d Another one said, \u201cI\u2019d go on down in Ephesians 4, to where it talks about: \u2018Be angry; do not sin, don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger.\u2019\u201d That\u2019s good, practical advice. Another one said, \u201cWell, I\u2019d go to the end of Ephesians 4, where it says, \u2018Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other even as God for Christ\u2019s sake has forgiven you.\u2019\u201d Those were all good answers. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut two of the pastors said, \u201cHere is my verse.\u201d When they both shared the same verse\u2014and when they shared it with me\u2014I went, \u201cThat\u2019s the one; that\u2019s the verse.\u201d It surprised me\u2014because I had <em>heard<\/em> this verse; in fact, I had <em>sung<\/em> this verse in a song, and I <em>knew<\/em> the verse\u2014I just <em>never<\/em> thought of it in the context of marriage. It\u2019s \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPsalm 34:3; and it says, \u201cO, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.\u201d That\u2019s the foundation\u2014that\u2019s Phase Three: \u201cO, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat should be at the ground level of our marriage?\u2014that desire\u2014that our marriage would magnify and glorify Him: \u201cI want what pleases God to be the foundation of our marriage,\u201d and \u201cI know I\u2019ve got to curb the Phase One, what-pleases-me side of me, and I\u2019ve got to be aware of the Phase Two, \u2018How do I serve you even if it frustrates me?\u2019\u2014I don\u2019t ignore those\u2014but the foundation of it has got to be: \u2018O, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s my prayer for you tonight; in fact: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, I just want to pray for these couples, and just ask for all of us, that You would burn into our heart and soul the desire for our marriages to magnify, and please, and glorify You. We want, more than anything, for our marriages to be a testimony of Your grace.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, we confess to You that there are times when that desire is overwhelmed by our personal interests; or there are times when we take on the approach of a martyr and say, \u201cWe\u2019re going to defer to our spouse,\u201d really, because we just want to keep the peace. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLord, help us to <em>make<\/em> the foundation of our marriage <em>Your<\/em> glory and <em>Your<\/em> honor. Let us ask the question: \u201cWhat would please the Lord?\u201d and then live that out in our marriages. We ask that in Your name; Amen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening to Part Two of the message from the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. Really, I\u2019m listening to that, thinking, \u201cAll I\u2019m saying is, \u2018Go vertical\u2019\u201d; right? [Laughter] That\u2019s the whole thing I\u2019m saying\u2014it\u2019s the same message\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That is <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014that\u2019s at the heart of what you guys\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014of our book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014have been talking about, on marriage, for years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s a great message. I\u2019m <em>so glad<\/em> that you delivered that, because we <em>all<\/em> need to hear it. We need to be reminded, but it\u2019s not easy to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Not at all. It\u2019s interesting\u2014you\u2019re talking about what pastors told you. You know what came to my mind? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Did you tell them they couldn\u2019t use Matthew?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> This is Matthew 7: \u201cTherefore, if everyone who hears these words of Mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Jesus talks about the storms are coming, but that house is going to stand because it\u2019s built on Jesus\/on the Rock, which is your whole point. Then, He says, \u201cAnyone who hears these words of Mine and does <em>not<\/em> put them into practice is a fool, who built his house on the sand. The storms are coming.\u201d So, that would be\u2014that\u2019s vertical. That\u2019s going and saying that Phase Three is really the most important phase, where I get to the point where it\u2019s not about me\u2014it\u2019s not even about my spouse\u2014it\u2019s about honoring Christ and making <em>Him<\/em> the foundation of our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You guys use the triangle imagery,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014where a husband and a wife are at the base of the triangle. The closer they get to aligning with God\u2019s purposes, the closer they get to one another as they go up the sides of the triangle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think about that: \u201cLet\u2019s be united in the goal of pleasing <em>me<\/em>,\u201d\u2014then, we\u2019re going to be lopsided. If we say, \u201cWell, let\u2019s be united in the goal of pleasing <em>you<\/em>,\u201d\u2014we\u2019re going to lopsided. Even if we try to say, \u201cLet\u2019s be united in the goal of pleasing each other,\u201d\u2014those are good and important things\u2014but when you can say, \u201cLet\u2019s be united, together, in the goal of pleasing God,\u201d then, when one or the other of us is <em>not<\/em> pleased, we can come back and say, \u201cWell, what would please God here?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s how you get back in alignment in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That takes away the expectations of what my spouse is <em>not<\/em> doing when I have been <em>so<\/em> loving, and have been <em>so<\/em> serving, and I\u2019ve been <em>so<\/em> about him; because this isn\u2019t about our spouse\u2014whether your spouse goes there or not\u2014we still can draw closer to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We can still do it unto Him. That makes a big difference; because there are a lot of listeners\u2014that their husbands will not respond or, maybe, their wife will not do anything\u2014but we still <em>can<\/em>. That brings <em>glory<\/em> to God. It\u2019s something that\u2019s <em>really<\/em> important for us to engage with Him, because He <em>fills<\/em> us up\u2014He gives us purpose, and He <em>reminds<\/em> us that He is with us and sees us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m just thinking back to the week that we had, back in February, on the cruise and just what a spiritually-refreshing week that was for all of us. Clearly, it\u2019s a lot of fun; it\u2019s relaxing; but it\u2019s also spiritually-invigorating and enriching. I hope many of our listeners can join us on the cruise this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mentioned, earlier, we are about 90 percent sold out. We expect to be completely sold out by the end of this month. So, if you are interested\u2014if you\u2019d like to find out more\/if you think you can join us Valentine\u2019s week, February 11<sup>th<\/sup> through the 17<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com. The information is available there. If you are ready to book your cabin, or if you have any questions, call 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Get in touch with us quickly. There are some incentives available for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners if you book this week. You\u2019ll save $300 per couple off the cost of your cabin; some additional perks have been thrown into that. Find out more when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We hope you can join us on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to hear a message from the cruise from Alex Kendrick, who has a brand-new movie that is coming out, here, in a couple of months called <em>Overcomer<\/em>. We\u2019ll hear more about the movie and hear a great message from Alex on tomorrow\u2019s program. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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