{"id":305067,"date":"2019-06-10T06:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-06-10T10:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/are-your-kids-driving-you-crazy\/"},"modified":"2019-06-10T06:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-06-10T10:00:04","slug":"are-your-kids-driving-you-crazy","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/are-your-kids-driving-you-crazy\/","title":{"rendered":"Are Your Kids Driving You Crazy?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Moms Amber Lia and Wendy Speake can relate to mothers who get frustrated with their kids. Lia and Speake talk about some of the 31 triggers that can provoke a mom to lose her cool.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-10.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:00","filesize":"26.56M","filesize_raw":"27845110","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2853,2838],"tags":[6404,5048,4621,4331,6647],"podcast_series":[8281],"cwp_profile":[9541,9542],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305067","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-frazzled-family","category-mothers","tag-encouragement-for-moms","tag-motherhood","tag-stay-at-home-mom","tag-tips-for-moms","tag-triggers","podcast_series-triggers","cwp_profile-amber-lia","cwp_profile-wendy-speake","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305067\/are-your-kids-driving-you-crazy","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305067\/are-your-kids-driving-you-crazy","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"dfuUVYQUNs\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/are-your-kids-driving-you-crazy\/\">Are Your Kids Driving You Crazy?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/are-your-kids-driving-you-crazy\/embed\/#?secret=dfuUVYQUNs\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Are Your Kids Driving You Crazy?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"dfuUVYQUNs\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-10.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-10.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Does is surprise you that your toddler disobeys? Wendy Speake says it shouldn't.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wend<\/strong>y: So often, we'll look at a two-year-old or a three-year-old and they're saying, \u201cNo,\u201d or doing whatever; and I'll say: \u201cYou know what they're doing? They're doing their job.\u201d It is their job, at two, to push those boundaries and find out what life's about. It is <em>my<\/em> job to stay in control and <em>show<\/em> them what this life is about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, June 10<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Do you have a strategy, as parents, to help corral your children's impulses\/their sinful tendencies?\u2014and to teach them where the boundaries are?\u2014and how's that plan working for you? We're going to spend time talking about triggers and boundaries today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, how was it at your house? Did you guys exhibit amazing patience with your boys?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I did, Bob; I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did you? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> But my wife\u2014I was thinking about this, right when you [Ann] were getting ready to go. I thought\u2014I came home one day, and I walk in the house. My boys run to me\u2014they were little at the time: \u201cMom kicked a hole in the drywall, and it's covered up with wallpaper!\u201d [Laughter] I go, \u201cWhere\u2019s the hole?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s covered up.\u201d She had, not only kicked a hole in the wall\u2014covered it with wallpaper so I wouldn\u2019t see it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is where we're starting today? [Laughter] \u201cLook at this!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The issue we're talking about is the issue of anger and how we get provoked to anger by the children, [whom] we love and adore more that anything else; right? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I never knew this was in me. If you had asked me, before I got married and had children, \u201cAre you an angry person?\u201d I would have said, \u201cNot at all; I don't even know what you're talking about.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember hearing Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, one time, say\u2014a mom had come up to her and said, \u201cI was never angry until I had teenagers.\u201d [Laughter] And Nancy said, \u201cYou were <em>always<\/em> angry; it just took teenagers to bring it out of you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That's a good observation, I think, for all of us to recognize\u2014the seeds are in us. The question is: \u201cWhat brings it out?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cWhat triggers it?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWhat causes these seeds to sprout?\u201d and \u201cWhat do we do when we start to feel that rising up in us?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have Amber Lia and Wendy Speake joining us today to help us with this. Ladies, welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> Thank you so much. It looks like we're in good company.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; you are our people\u2014you struggle with anger. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thank God you're here! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, my goodness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ann was talking about kicking in the drywall, and Wendy was over here\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> \u2014raising the roof; yes, sister! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014going, \u201cI testify to that, right along with you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I'm not one to fake it, so I'm really happy that you're here. I don't think you are, either. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> No; we're not. You just spoke my heart. I never raised my voice; I had never been yelled at, but I totally get what you mean about looking in that mirror; and you see the eyes bulging, and the nostrils flaring, and the spittle flying. It's like, \u201c<em>What<\/em> is that?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And you blame your children\u2014like, \u201cLook what you've done to me.\u201d You're exactly right, Bob, those things were already in there; it was just exposed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You two have found out that you're not alone\u2014there's a <em>whole<\/em> community of people that responded to what you said. Tell us the story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; how did it start? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That was the most surprising and blessed part of this whole journey for me. I was a recovering angry mom. I loved my children, like a lot of parents do, but I had struggled with anger towards them\u2014and frustration and, even, yelling. I was very embarrassed by that, and I didn't really want anybody to know; because there was this stigma attached, of course. I hadn't struggled with anger, as a teacher, for ten years. I kept my cool with my students; why was this such a challenge for me, now, as a mom? I was very embarrassed by that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEventually, when I started getting a handle on that, God really did a change in my heart and in my life. The key for me was that I didn't realize that a lot of other people were still struggling with this. I started a Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> group for moms, who struggle with anger and yelling\u2014there were more than a thousand people that joined in the first week\u2014really, in the first few days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014the first few days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; and that was my big \u201cAha!\u201d\u2014like, \u201cI'm not the only one, and there is hope.\u201d God says, \u201cIf we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all of our unrighteousness.\u201d The Bible encourages us to confess to one another and to share that. I found that, if we can get over that little bit of embarrassment or that stigma that we feel, then we can really find freedom; and we can really walk alongside one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> Healing and transformation, yes, are there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAmber continued to work in this Facebook group\u2014it became so big, so fast, that she said to the writing team, that we were on for another ministry\u2014she said, \u201cWould anyone like to co-labor with me?\u201d I said, \u201cYes; I'd love to.\u201d We started doing that together as it grew. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, one of the days, we asked: \u201cWhat are your triggers? What are the things that your kids do?\u201d\u2014actually, I didn't even say that; they didn't need a definition\u2014they knew what a trigger was. Within those first, I don\u2019t know\u201430\/40 minutes\u2014hundreds of people: \u201dWhy can't they get their shoes on and get in the car when my husband travels?\u2014when I\u2019m exhausted?\u201d Just on and on the triggers went. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe next day, Amber jumped in the group and said: \u201cI'm just going with the very first comment\u2014I'm going to speak to that. Tomorrow, Wendy will address the second one.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe were just meeting the needs of the people in our midst. After, I don't know, maybe 15 days of that, they started saying: \u201cCan you give us this? Can we have this, so we can share it with others?\u201d Amber called me that day, saying, \u201cThis needs to be a book\u2014and fast.\u201d I think that we released it probably two\/three months from there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> She said, \u201cI don't have time to do this book right now.\u201d I said: \u201cWendy, the Holy Spirit is pressing on me <em>hard<\/em>\u2014we need to do this book, and we need to do it <em>now<\/em>. You can go ahead and pray about it, but you're going to write this with me.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> I like that pressure from the Holy Spirit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book is called <em>Triggers<\/em>, by the way. It's a book we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. <em>Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses<\/em>. That's a pretty bold claim you're making.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> It's a promise; yes, it really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It's a promise? You're saying that a mom, who is daily frustrated by the activities of her kids, can get to a point where she can be at peace and not responding in anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: <\/strong>Yes; and here's the deal\u2014we're not addressing our children's behavior that makes us triggered. Instead, we're saying, \u201cOkay; let's look at these 31 scenarios\/those 31 triggers.\u201d Instead of saying, \u201cOkay; I've got to get my kids to get their shoes on and get in the car without melting down, so that I don't have to get angry,\u201d\u2014instead, it's just humbly going to God's Word, saying: \u201cGod, why am I out of control when they can't get their shoes on? Why am I whining and complaining when they are whining and complaining?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that my whining and complaining is going to help them stop whining and complaining, but it doesn't. And so, instead, these chapters are really about: \u201cWhat is going on with us?\u201d and \u201cGod, I know there's power in Your Word; I know You want to start with me. I want the fruit of Your Spirit in my life.\u201d It really is about <em>us<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: This is so important because most moms\u2014most dads, for that matter\u2014look at their kids' behavior and say that: \u201cThe problem with my anger is that behavior. Fix the behavior and that will fix the anger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cIt\u2019s you!\u201d\u2014right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: You're saying: \u201cNo; the problem with the anger is something inside of <em>you<\/em> that's being triggered here. Let's deal with that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I don't think most people make that turn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: <\/strong>Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They just assume it's the kid's fault, without looking inward. How did you discover that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It really changed when I was alone, as a mom, whose husband worked very long hours in a town that I had just moved to\u2014a big transition. I remember, very distinctly, one day my husband left for work and I had three kids\u2014four and under at the time. I looked around and the house was kind of a disaster, and I'm a neat-freak; so that was really hard for me, in and of itself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI looked down at my clothing, and I was in my pajamas. It was late in the morning and that's kind of okay, but it wasn't that day's pajamas\u2014it was like the day before the day before's pajamas. [Laughter] We're going on three days in this same outfit. I was frustrated, and I remember <em>snapping<\/em> at my kids. Then, there was a knock on the door. [Sound of knocking] I just froze; I was, suddenly, very embarrassed because I realized that maybe somebody had heard me\u2014the way I was talking to my kids just now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI opened the door, and thank the Lord, it was my neighbor, Joe, who was very old and also a little hard of hearing. [Laughter] I thought: \u201cOkay; good. Maybe I'm safe.\u201d He was just dropping off some tool, or some such thing, that he had borrowed from my husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI closed the door, and I very vividly remember saying to the Lord: \u201cLord, this has to stop. This has to be a turning point for me. I don't want to keep being like this. This is not who I said I was going to be, as a mom. I don\u2019t even recognize myself, and I'm hurting my kids.\u201d So, instead of\u2014when the kids would go down for their very short naps\u2014which in the past, was like <em>my<\/em> time to just sit, or read a book, or do something for myself\u2014I was like, \u201cNope; I'm going to get back to having more time with the Lord.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sat down and I'd take a couple of verses\u2014and whatever the issue was\u2014if it was that I was speaking words that were unkind to my kids\u2014I took a verse about kindness: \u201cThe teaching of kindness is on her tongue,\u201d\u2014and then I would just meditate on that for that half hour. I'd pray and I'd say, \u201cLord, let my words be kind. Transform me,\u201d\u2014so that is what we're doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know what? When God made me a kinder gentler mom, as I took one thing at a time\u2014one of my own triggers at a time\/one of my own wrong attitudes at a time\u2014and just really connected with the Lord. I set a timer on my phone to go off every couple of hours with that verse to pop up, or I'd write it on the mirror in my bathroom, so it was the first thing I saw in the morning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You were very intentional.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Very, very intentional. I treated my anger issues like it was my new job. That's when the Lord began to take me seriously, as I took this issue seriously. He transformed me. My kids became the kids I was wanting them to be\u2014that I had trained them only to do when I would yell at them, <em>that<\/em> was not working. But when <em>I<\/em> softened, and I came alongside them, and I said: \u201cIt looks like you're really upset over that. What can I do to help you?\u201d or \u201cLet's figure this out together,\u201d I didn't get frustrated and, \u201cAww! Why can't you ever just\u2026?\u201d It was like, \u201cOkay; I'm going to come alongside you, like a good coach would do,\u201d\u2014instead of this punishing authoritarian figure\u2014that's not working for either one of us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: You're saying that intentionally meditating on specific Scriptures, to deal with the issue, fixed the issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It did, because it changed my heart. I didn't become perfect, but I really became a much more loving parent in that time. And you know what? Nobody is going to become hardened when somebody else is loving them, relentlessly, in the way that Jesus loves us. When I <em>grew<\/em> in my love relationship with the Lord in that way, and I poured that out on my kids, they could not help but be transformed. They were dealing with <em>their<\/em> frustrations and their triggers better because they saw me modeling that. They were being filled by the love of Christ that the Lord privileged me to give to them as their mom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It sounds like you were exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit. As I\u2019m listening to you, I\u2019m thinking: \u201cYou're connecting with God\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: \u201c<\/strong>You\u2019re abiding.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cyes; you're abiding in the Vine; you're exhibiting love, and joy, and peace. And then, as you went to your kids like that, they couldn't blame you, then, for their anger issue or the issues that they're dealing with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That's right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: <\/strong>That really is a big deal\u2014when the kids do wrong and we come in\u2014again, with the eyes bulging, and the nostrils flaring, and the spittle flying\u2014we steal the teachable moment. We make the wrong behavior about our wrong behavior rather than keeping the main thing the main thing. We have completely robbed them of that teachable moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we can stay kind, there's an opportunity for them to experience repentance. I'm reminded that speaking of kindness was the first example that Amber just shared\u2014that she meditated on that. One of my favorite verses is Romans 2:4, which talks about the kindness of the Lord is what has led us to repentance. I was thinking, \u201cFor goodness sake, [He] has only ever been a kind Father that has led me to repentance about my wrong behavior.\u201d And yet, I think that my angry, strong, sticking-my-finger-in-his-face response to my kid when he does wrong is going to make him repentant? But the kindness of the Lord\u2014and that does not mean permissiveness\u2014I'm not saying: \u201cIt's okay that you just hit your brother, and called the other one a jerk, and stomped off to your room.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let's go right there\u2014that's going on in the room\u2014they just punched each other and called each other a name. You're seeing it\u2014walk us through what you would do in that scenario. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy<\/strong>: I'll tell you, first of all, what I <em>used to do<\/em>\u2014I would go out of control, because <em>they<\/em> were out of control. Instead, I had to realize God, in His kindness to them, gave them to me; so I can do the job of staying in control. So often, we'll look at a two-year-old or a three-year-old and they're saying, \u201cNo,\u201d or doing whatever; and I'll say: \u201cYou know what they're doing? They're doing their job. It is their job, at two, to push those boundaries and find out what life's about; and it is <em>my<\/em> job to stay in control and <em>show<\/em> them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI use the analogy of the boxing ring: \u201cDing, ding, ding\u201d\u2014I'll even say it out loud. Even though my kids are teenagers now, [Laughter] I'll just make that noise\u2014like: \u201cEverybody to your corners, because this is not a fighting ring here.\u201d Now, what I used to do, of course, is climb into that ring and start swinging with my words because they were. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut now, I realize, \u201cNo; a coach stays on the outside of the ring.\u201d Oftentimes, calling them to their corner means that I'll take them by their hand, when they're little, and walk them to their room. I'll say: \u201cListen, this isn't a time-out; it\u2019s not a punishment. It's a gift\u2014you're not in control of the way I <em>know<\/em> you want to speak to your brother or to me. You need some quiet time\u2014you can read; you can play\u2014but you may not be with us because you've not been kind.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAmber and I have a quote in <em>Triggers<\/em> that's my favorite\u2014it says, \u201cFigure out what you mean to say before you say something mean.\u201d I really think that's so much of what\u2014I mean, \u201cYes; spend time in the Word\u2014it starts there\u2014but then, what I found I had to do was make better plans; because what was coming, naturally, from me wasn't kind. And so, back to the idea of the fruit of the Spirit\u2014abide with Him; He'll abide with you, and you will bear His fruit. But in the meantime, you've also got to stop yelling.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would really say to those of you listening, \u201cIf you're yelling, I hope that you will abide with the Lord and His Word, and His transformative Word will get in your heart and it will blossom out in your behavior. But in the meantime, if you are yelling, there is an element of: \u2018That behavior needs to stop, and you need to make a better plan.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat's a better plan when your kids are arguing? Maybe your plan is, from now on, I walk up to them\u2014instead of coming in, ready for a fight\u2014and I take them by the hand and say: \u201cEverybody to your corners. We'll talk about this when everybody's calm,\u201d\u2014we call that a script.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber: <\/strong>Yes; we really encourage parents to stop parenting in the middle of the conflict or directly in the aftermath of the conflict. When I'm emotional about something or upset, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm not very teachable; and yet, we think our kids will be. We think, if we try to tell them what to do and how to do it right in the middle of that conflict, then they're going to listen to us and be like: \u201cOh, okay. Yes; sure, mom. That makes sense.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> \u201cBeautiful wisdom.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber<\/strong>: \u201cNo problem!\u201d But that's rarely the case. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do say that it's really good for the kids to take a break in a lot of these heightened emotional moments. It's good for mom and dad to take a break\u2014we call it a \u201choly pause.\u201d We get our minds back in the right frame of mind, and then our kids are much more open to hearing what we have to say when we can come alongside them a little bit later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's not that we're trying to keep a record of wrongs\u2014we're not bringing up the past over and over again\u2014we're saying, \u201cHey, do you remember, earlier this morning, when you and your brother were fighting over the TV controller?\u2014and how you whacked him over the head with that.\u201d You can just ask him questions: \u201cHow do you think that made him feel? Is there a better strategy that you could use next time? I really want to help you; and I bet that you have good ideas about how you could have handled that differently\u2014in a way that meets one of our family values, where we value our relationships and we keep our hands to ourselves.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There's a passage in the Bible that is a parenting passage\u2014that most people don't thing of as a parenting passage\u2014and it's what you guys are talking about right here. It's in 2 Timothy, Chapter 3. We're familiar with this as a passage that talks about the authority and the inspiration of Scripture and why Scripture can be counted on and believed, but it's in the middle of a parenting context. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul is talking to Timothy and he says, \u201cFrom your childhood, you've been acquainted with the sacred writings,\u201d \/ \u201cYour parents taught you the Scriptures\u201d\u2014your mom, in this case\u2014\u201cYour mom and your grandma taught you the sacred Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.\u201d\u00a0 And then it says this: \u201cAll Scripture is breathed out by God and it is profitable for\u201d\u2014here's the parenting part\u2014\u201cteaching, reproof, correction and training in righteousness.\u201d That's parenting\u2014you have to keep teaching, and correcting, and reproving, and training in a continual cycle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe time to do it is not, as you said, is not in the middle of the escalation; but it's the next day when things are fine and you say, \u201cRemember yesterday?\u201d Now, it's a teaching moment here: \u201cLet's talk about what this looks like, and let's practice it. Here's what you did yesterday. Let's do a little game, where you play this; and I'll play this,\u201d and you just role play it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: Help them develop a new habit\/a new pattern and they'll light up to that. They'll respond to that; won't they? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> Absolutely; young kids especially, I would find we would do this: \u201cHey guys, we're going to <em>practice<\/em> leaving the park,\u201d or \u201cWe're going to practice clearing our plates,\u201d \u201cBut we are clearing our plates,\u201d \u201cNo; this is <em>practice<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter] They would get on board, and they would do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSomething that I love about that Scripture, though, is that you can look at it, and I think a lot of parents have the tendency to take that as an invitation to parent with a lot of strength and anger, throwing Bible verses at their kids\u2014\u201cThis is so that you can correct them and reprove them!\u201d\u2014when, really, it's: \u201cNo; we spend time in the Word and the Word of God will bear fruit in <em>our<\/em> lives. <em>We<\/em> will be taught, and <em>we<\/em> will be corrected, and <em>we<\/em> will be ready to teach and correct our children.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut back to what Amber started this whole conversation with\u2014it really started with going back to the Word. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber: <\/strong>I encourage families and moms, in particular, to consider themselves as coaches\u2014that they are mom, as coach. When I was a high school English teacher, years ago, I had a student named Stacy. Part way through the year, Stacy was about to have this Presidential fitness test for P.E. She had to run a lap, and it was an <em>exhausting<\/em> thing for her; she had never passed it before. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn testing day, it happened to be that my prep period was during Stacy's P.E. period. I went down to the field, and I stood there and I was cheering her on; she was not doing very well at all. She was coming along; she was tired. As she came around, I was like, \u201cI've got to get right down there and give her a couple of tips.\u201d I jogged alongside her for a minute and said: \u201cStacy, put your shoulders back; take a deep breath. You can do it! I believe in you. I know this is going to be the year that you're going to pass it!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLong story short, just before the time was up, she crossed that chalk line. About ten years later, her mom wrote to me and she said: \u201cI just want you to know that moment with Stacy was a pivotal moment in her life. She realized someone really cared about her.\u201d It was like a light bulb for me: \u201cThis is what I'm supposed to be doing with my kids. I'm supposed to be <em>coaching<\/em> them and, really, I need to do what a good coach does\u2014they inspire; and they come alongside; and like you said, Bob, they set up practices\u2014like Wendy shared. That's <em>great<\/em> coaching; that's <em>great<\/em> stewardship of that Scripture verse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; so if you look at what you're doing with your kids and you say: \u201cHow much time is spent training in righteousness? How much time is spent instructing versus how much time is spent correcting and reproving?\u201d You will find there is less correcting and reproving if you're doing more training and instructing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014and doing it in a loving\/gentle way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You guys give us a pattern\/an outline for how to do this in a <em>wide<\/em> variety of very specific situations in the book, <em>Triggers. <\/em>I'm just looking at the Table of Contents in the book and chapters like \u201cDisobedience,\u201d\u00a0 \u201cBack Talk,\u201d \u201cDisrespect,\u201d \u201cStrong-Willed Kids,\u201d \u201cAngry Kids,\u201d \u201cWhining and Complaining,\u201d \u201cSibling Rivalry\u201d\u2014I could go on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I can't wait to talk more. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Parents are like: \u201cJust send me the book now!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: \u201c<\/strong>You have named the issues for us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> And look at the second page of that Table of Contents. The first are all about the kids, but the second page\u2014they're all about us: \u201cOur Depression,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cNoise,\u201d \u201cMessy Homes.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cExhaustion.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cMulti-tasking,\u201d \u201cTransitions.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe would love to get a copy of the book, <em>Triggers,<\/em> in <em>your<\/em> hand. The subtitle is <em>Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses<\/em>. We're making it available this week when you make a donation to help support the ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. FamilyLife is listener-supported. The work we do happens because folks, like you, say: \u201dThis is important; I want to see it continue in my community. I want to make an investment in this ministry.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can do that today, we'll send you a copy of the book, <em>Triggers<\/em>, as our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your ongoing support of this ministry.\u201d You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to make a donation at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. There is additional information available there about resources from Amber and Wendy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more about FamilyLife's <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series when you go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201dF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think all of us, as parents, have been asking the question today: \u201cWhat are my triggers? What are the things that my kids do that set me off?\u201d and then, \u201cHow can I open myself up for the Holy Spirit to do a work in those areas?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDavid Robbins, who is the President of FamilyLife, is here with us\u2014this is an issue every parent has to deal with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; I feel like I get to practice this <em>every day<\/em>. [Laughter] I mean, the entire conversation is like: \u201cHow do I not trigger?\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Jesus is concerned, not just about our external behavior, but about the internal drivers and getting into the crevices of our hearts, not just addressing the outside. Matthew 23 is where He calls some of the Scribes and Pharisees white-washed tombs, because their internal and external confessions didn't match. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David<\/strong>: In a similar context, in Matthew 12, He says, \u201cFor out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.\u201d That's the same root and zeal that's been driving the entire conversation today. I <em>love<\/em> how Amber and Wendy are not content in leading us to stopping re-parenting\u2014that's not the end game\u2014but they're going after the internal root of what's driving us to that behavior and helping us meet Jesus in that place. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I've got kids\u2014we joked at the beginning, because it's real. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I've got kids, 12 to 2. I find it both encouraging and, practically, really challenging; but I think this is the type of conversation, that if Jesus was here with us, helping us with our parenting, He'd be having this type of conversations with us as parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And this is a part of how He is at work in our lives and working out our salvation with fear and trembling. That's good, David; thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe're, actually, going to talk more about these triggers tomorrow as we visit, again, with Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. So, if this is an issue, I hope you can join us back tomorrow. And if it's not an issue, maybe we should have you on; and you can explain to us what you've learned. [Learned]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:29:00"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.56M"],"filesize_raw":["27845110"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-305067.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-305067.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Amber Lia and Wendy Speake can relate to mothers who get frustrated with their kids. Lia and Speake talk about some of the 31 triggers that can provoke a mom to lose her cool.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-06-10.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Does is surprise you that your toddler disobeys? Wendy Speake says it shouldn't.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wend<\/strong>y: So often, we'll look at a two-year-old or a three-year-old and they're saying, \u201cNo,\u201d or doing whatever; and I'll say: \u201cYou know what they're doing? They're doing their job.\u201d It is their job, at two, to push those boundaries and find out what life's about. It is <em>my<\/em> job to stay in control and <em>show<\/em> them what this life is about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, June 10<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. Do you have a strategy, as parents, to help corral your children's impulses\/their sinful tendencies?\u2014and to teach them where the boundaries are?\u2014and how's that plan working for you? We're going to spend time talking about triggers and boundaries today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. So, how was it at your house? Did you guys exhibit amazing patience with your boys?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I did, Bob; I did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did you? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> But my wife\u2014I was thinking about this, right when you [Ann] were getting ready to go. I thought\u2014I came home one day, and I walk in the house. My boys run to me\u2014they were little at the time: \u201cMom kicked a hole in the drywall, and it's covered up with wallpaper!\u201d [Laughter] I go, \u201cWhere\u2019s the hole?\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s covered up.\u201d She had, not only kicked a hole in the wall\u2014covered it with wallpaper so I wouldn\u2019t see it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is where we're starting today? [Laughter] \u201cLook at this!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The issue we're talking about is the issue of anger and how we get provoked to anger by the children, [whom] we love and adore more that anything else; right? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I never knew this was in me. If you had asked me, before I got married and had children, \u201cAre you an angry person?\u201d I would have said, \u201cNot at all; I don't even know what you're talking about.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember hearing Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, one time, say\u2014a mom had come up to her and said, \u201cI was never angry until I had teenagers.\u201d [Laughter] And Nancy said, \u201cYou were <em>always<\/em> angry; it just took teenagers to bring it out of you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That's a good observation, I think, for all of us to recognize\u2014the seeds are in us. The question is: \u201cWhat brings it out?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u201cWhat triggers it?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cWhat causes these seeds to sprout?\u201d and \u201cWhat do we do when we start to feel that rising up in us?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have Amber Lia and Wendy Speake joining us today to help us with this. Ladies, welcome.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber: <\/strong>Thank you so much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> Thank you so much. It looks like we're in good company.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; you are our people\u2014you struggle with anger. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Thank God you're here! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh, my goodness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ann was talking about kicking in the drywall, and Wendy was over here\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> \u2014raising the roof; yes, sister! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014going, \u201cI testify to that, right along with you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I'm not one to fake it, so I'm really happy that you're here. I don't think you are, either. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> No; we're not. You just spoke my heart. I never raised my voice; I had never been yelled at, but I totally get what you mean about looking in that mirror; and you see the eyes bulging, and the nostrils flaring, and the spittle flying. It's like, \u201c<em>What<\/em> is that?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And you blame your children\u2014like, \u201cLook what you've done to me.\u201d You're exactly right, Bob, those things were already in there; it was just exposed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You two have found out that you're not alone\u2014there's a <em>whole<\/em> community of people that responded to what you said. Tell us the story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; how did it start? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That was the most surprising and blessed part of this whole journey for me. I was a recovering angry mom. I loved my children, like a lot of parents do, but I had struggled with anger towards them\u2014and frustration and, even, yelling. I was very embarrassed by that, and I didn't really want anybody to know; because there was this stigma attached, of course. I hadn't struggled with anger, as a teacher, for ten years. I kept my cool with my students; why was this such a challenge for me, now, as a mom? I was very embarrassed by that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEventually, when I started getting a handle on that, God really did a change in my heart and in my life. The key for me was that I didn't realize that a lot of other people were still struggling with this. I started a Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> group for moms, who struggle with anger and yelling\u2014there were more than a thousand people that joined in the first week\u2014really, in the first few days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014the first few days. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Yes; and that was my big \u201cAha!\u201d\u2014like, \u201cI'm not the only one, and there is hope.\u201d God says, \u201cIf we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all of our unrighteousness.\u201d The Bible encourages us to confess to one another and to share that. I found that, if we can get over that little bit of embarrassment or that stigma that we feel, then we can really find freedom; and we can really walk alongside one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> Healing and transformation, yes, are there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAmber continued to work in this Facebook group\u2014it became so big, so fast, that she said to the writing team, that we were on for another ministry\u2014she said, \u201cWould anyone like to co-labor with me?\u201d I said, \u201cYes; I'd love to.\u201d We started doing that together as it grew. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, one of the days, we asked: \u201cWhat are your triggers? What are the things that your kids do?\u201d\u2014actually, I didn't even say that; they didn't need a definition\u2014they knew what a trigger was. Within those first, I don\u2019t know\u201430\/40 minutes\u2014hundreds of people: \u201dWhy can't they get their shoes on and get in the car when my husband travels?\u2014when I\u2019m exhausted?\u201d Just on and on the triggers went. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe next day, Amber jumped in the group and said: \u201cI'm just going with the very first comment\u2014I'm going to speak to that. Tomorrow, Wendy will address the second one.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe were just meeting the needs of the people in our midst. After, I don't know, maybe 15 days of that, they started saying: \u201cCan you give us this? Can we have this, so we can share it with others?\u201d Amber called me that day, saying, \u201cThis needs to be a book\u2014and fast.\u201d I think that we released it probably two\/three months from there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> She said, \u201cI don't have time to do this book right now.\u201d I said: \u201cWendy, the Holy Spirit is pressing on me <em>hard<\/em>\u2014we need to do this book, and we need to do it <em>now<\/em>. You can go ahead and pray about it, but you're going to write this with me.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> I like that pressure from the Holy Spirit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book is called <em>Triggers<\/em>, by the way. It's a book we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. <em>Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses<\/em>. That's a pretty bold claim you're making.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> It's a promise; yes, it really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It's a promise? You're saying that a mom, who is daily frustrated by the activities of her kids, can get to a point where she can be at peace and not responding in anger?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: <\/strong>Yes; and here's the deal\u2014we're not addressing our children's behavior that makes us triggered. Instead, we're saying, \u201cOkay; let's look at these 31 scenarios\/those 31 triggers.\u201d Instead of saying, \u201cOkay; I've got to get my kids to get their shoes on and get in the car without melting down, so that I don't have to get angry,\u201d\u2014instead, it's just humbly going to God's Word, saying: \u201cGod, why am I out of control when they can't get their shoes on? Why am I whining and complaining when they are whining and complaining?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that my whining and complaining is going to help them stop whining and complaining, but it doesn't. And so, instead, these chapters are really about: \u201cWhat is going on with us?\u201d and \u201cGod, I know there's power in Your Word; I know You want to start with me. I want the fruit of Your Spirit in my life.\u201d It really is about <em>us<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: This is so important because most moms\u2014most dads, for that matter\u2014look at their kids' behavior and say that: \u201cThe problem with my anger is that behavior. Fix the behavior and that will fix the anger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u201cIt\u2019s you!\u201d\u2014right; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: You're saying: \u201cNo; the problem with the anger is something inside of <em>you<\/em> that's being triggered here. Let's deal with that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; I don't think most people make that turn.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: <\/strong>Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> They just assume it's the kid's fault, without looking inward. How did you discover that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It really changed when I was alone, as a mom, whose husband worked very long hours in a town that I had just moved to\u2014a big transition. I remember, very distinctly, one day my husband left for work and I had three kids\u2014four and under at the time. I looked around and the house was kind of a disaster, and I'm a neat-freak; so that was really hard for me, in and of itself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI looked down at my clothing, and I was in my pajamas. It was late in the morning and that's kind of okay, but it wasn't that day's pajamas\u2014it was like the day before the day before's pajamas. [Laughter] We're going on three days in this same outfit. I was frustrated, and I remember <em>snapping<\/em> at my kids. Then, there was a knock on the door. [Sound of knocking] I just froze; I was, suddenly, very embarrassed because I realized that maybe somebody had heard me\u2014the way I was talking to my kids just now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI opened the door, and thank the Lord, it was my neighbor, Joe, who was very old and also a little hard of hearing. [Laughter] I thought: \u201cOkay; good. Maybe I'm safe.\u201d He was just dropping off some tool, or some such thing, that he had borrowed from my husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI closed the door, and I very vividly remember saying to the Lord: \u201cLord, this has to stop. This has to be a turning point for me. I don't want to keep being like this. This is not who I said I was going to be, as a mom. I don\u2019t even recognize myself, and I'm hurting my kids.\u201d So, instead of\u2014when the kids would go down for their very short naps\u2014which in the past, was like <em>my<\/em> time to just sit, or read a book, or do something for myself\u2014I was like, \u201cNope; I'm going to get back to having more time with the Lord.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sat down and I'd take a couple of verses\u2014and whatever the issue was\u2014if it was that I was speaking words that were unkind to my kids\u2014I took a verse about kindness: \u201cThe teaching of kindness is on her tongue,\u201d\u2014and then I would just meditate on that for that half hour. I'd pray and I'd say, \u201cLord, let my words be kind. Transform me,\u201d\u2014so that is what we're doing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know what? When God made me a kinder gentler mom, as I took one thing at a time\u2014one of my own triggers at a time\/one of my own wrong attitudes at a time\u2014and just really connected with the Lord. I set a timer on my phone to go off every couple of hours with that verse to pop up, or I'd write it on the mirror in my bathroom, so it was the first thing I saw in the morning.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You were very intentional.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> Very, very intentional. I treated my anger issues like it was my new job. That's when the Lord began to take me seriously, as I took this issue seriously. He transformed me. My kids became the kids I was wanting them to be\u2014that I had trained them only to do when I would yell at them, <em>that<\/em> was not working. But when <em>I<\/em> softened, and I came alongside them, and I said: \u201cIt looks like you're really upset over that. What can I do to help you?\u201d or \u201cLet's figure this out together,\u201d I didn't get frustrated and, \u201cAww! Why can't you ever just\u2026?\u201d It was like, \u201cOkay; I'm going to come alongside you, like a good coach would do,\u201d\u2014instead of this punishing authoritarian figure\u2014that's not working for either one of us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: You're saying that intentionally meditating on specific Scriptures, to deal with the issue, fixed the issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> It did, because it changed my heart. I didn't become perfect, but I really became a much more loving parent in that time. And you know what? Nobody is going to become hardened when somebody else is loving them, relentlessly, in the way that Jesus loves us. When I <em>grew<\/em> in my love relationship with the Lord in that way, and I poured that out on my kids, they could not help but be transformed. They were dealing with <em>their<\/em> frustrations and their triggers better because they saw me modeling that. They were being filled by the love of Christ that the Lord privileged me to give to them as their mom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It sounds like you were exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit. As I\u2019m listening to you, I\u2019m thinking: \u201cYou're connecting with God\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: \u201c<\/strong>You\u2019re abiding.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cyes; you're abiding in the Vine; you're exhibiting love, and joy, and peace. And then, as you went to your kids like that, they couldn't blame you, then, for their anger issue or the issues that they're dealing with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> That's right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy: <\/strong>That really is a big deal\u2014when the kids do wrong and we come in\u2014again, with the eyes bulging, and the nostrils flaring, and the spittle flying\u2014we steal the teachable moment. We make the wrong behavior about our wrong behavior rather than keeping the main thing the main thing. We have completely robbed them of that teachable moment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we can stay kind, there's an opportunity for them to experience repentance. I'm reminded that speaking of kindness was the first example that Amber just shared\u2014that she meditated on that. One of my favorite verses is Romans 2:4, which talks about the kindness of the Lord is what has led us to repentance. I was thinking, \u201cFor goodness sake, [He] has only ever been a kind Father that has led me to repentance about my wrong behavior.\u201d And yet, I think that my angry, strong, sticking-my-finger-in-his-face response to my kid when he does wrong is going to make him repentant? But the kindness of the Lord\u2014and that does not mean permissiveness\u2014I'm not saying: \u201cIt's okay that you just hit your brother, and called the other one a jerk, and stomped off to your room.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let's go right there\u2014that's going on in the room\u2014they just punched each other and called each other a name. You're seeing it\u2014walk us through what you would do in that scenario. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy<\/strong>: I'll tell you, first of all, what I <em>used to do<\/em>\u2014I would go out of control, because <em>they<\/em> were out of control. Instead, I had to realize God, in His kindness to them, gave them to me; so I can do the job of staying in control. So often, we'll look at a two-year-old or a three-year-old and they're saying, \u201cNo,\u201d or doing whatever; and I'll say: \u201cYou know what they're doing? They're doing their job. It is their job, at two, to push those boundaries and find out what life's about; and it is <em>my<\/em> job to stay in control and <em>show<\/em> them.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI use the analogy of the boxing ring: \u201cDing, ding, ding\u201d\u2014I'll even say it out loud. Even though my kids are teenagers now, [Laughter] I'll just make that noise\u2014like: \u201cEverybody to your corners, because this is not a fighting ring here.\u201d Now, what I used to do, of course, is climb into that ring and start swinging with my words because they were. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut now, I realize, \u201cNo; a coach stays on the outside of the ring.\u201d Oftentimes, calling them to their corner means that I'll take them by their hand, when they're little, and walk them to their room. I'll say: \u201cListen, this isn't a time-out; it\u2019s not a punishment. It's a gift\u2014you're not in control of the way I <em>know<\/em> you want to speak to your brother or to me. You need some quiet time\u2014you can read; you can play\u2014but you may not be with us because you've not been kind.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAmber and I have a quote in <em>Triggers<\/em> that's my favorite\u2014it says, \u201cFigure out what you mean to say before you say something mean.\u201d I really think that's so much of what\u2014I mean, \u201cYes; spend time in the Word\u2014it starts there\u2014but then, what I found I had to do was make better plans; because what was coming, naturally, from me wasn't kind. And so, back to the idea of the fruit of the Spirit\u2014abide with Him; He'll abide with you, and you will bear His fruit. But in the meantime, you've also got to stop yelling.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would really say to those of you listening, \u201cIf you're yelling, I hope that you will abide with the Lord and His Word, and His transformative Word will get in your heart and it will blossom out in your behavior. But in the meantime, if you are yelling, there is an element of: \u2018That behavior needs to stop, and you need to make a better plan.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat's a better plan when your kids are arguing? Maybe your plan is, from now on, I walk up to them\u2014instead of coming in, ready for a fight\u2014and I take them by the hand and say: \u201cEverybody to your corners. We'll talk about this when everybody's calm,\u201d\u2014we call that a script.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber: <\/strong>Yes; we really encourage parents to stop parenting in the middle of the conflict or directly in the aftermath of the conflict. When I'm emotional about something or upset, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI'm not very teachable; and yet, we think our kids will be. We think, if we try to tell them what to do and how to do it right in the middle of that conflict, then they're going to listen to us and be like: \u201cOh, okay. Yes; sure, mom. That makes sense.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> \u201cBeautiful wisdom.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber<\/strong>: \u201cNo problem!\u201d But that's rarely the case. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe do say that it's really good for the kids to take a break in a lot of these heightened emotional moments. It's good for mom and dad to take a break\u2014we call it a \u201choly pause.\u201d We get our minds back in the right frame of mind, and then our kids are much more open to hearing what we have to say when we can come alongside them a little bit later. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt's not that we're trying to keep a record of wrongs\u2014we're not bringing up the past over and over again\u2014we're saying, \u201cHey, do you remember, earlier this morning, when you and your brother were fighting over the TV controller?\u2014and how you whacked him over the head with that.\u201d You can just ask him questions: \u201cHow do you think that made him feel? Is there a better strategy that you could use next time? I really want to help you; and I bet that you have good ideas about how you could have handled that differently\u2014in a way that meets one of our family values, where we value our relationships and we keep our hands to ourselves.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There's a passage in the Bible that is a parenting passage\u2014that most people don't thing of as a parenting passage\u2014and it's what you guys are talking about right here. It's in 2 Timothy, Chapter 3. We're familiar with this as a passage that talks about the authority and the inspiration of Scripture and why Scripture can be counted on and believed, but it's in the middle of a parenting context. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPaul is talking to Timothy and he says, \u201cFrom your childhood, you've been acquainted with the sacred writings,\u201d \/ \u201cYour parents taught you the Scriptures\u201d\u2014your mom, in this case\u2014\u201cYour mom and your grandma taught you the sacred Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.\u201d\u00a0 And then it says this: \u201cAll Scripture is breathed out by God and it is profitable for\u201d\u2014here's the parenting part\u2014\u201cteaching, reproof, correction and training in righteousness.\u201d That's parenting\u2014you have to keep teaching, and correcting, and reproving, and training in a continual cycle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe time to do it is not, as you said, is not in the middle of the escalation; but it's the next day when things are fine and you say, \u201cRemember yesterday?\u201d Now, it's a teaching moment here: \u201cLet's talk about what this looks like, and let's practice it. Here's what you did yesterday. Let's do a little game, where you play this; and I'll play this,\u201d and you just role play it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob<\/strong>: Help them develop a new habit\/a new pattern and they'll light up to that. They'll respond to that; won't they? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> Absolutely; young kids especially, I would find we would do this: \u201cHey guys, we're going to <em>practice<\/em> leaving the park,\u201d or \u201cWe're going to practice clearing our plates,\u201d \u201cBut we are clearing our plates,\u201d \u201cNo; this is <em>practice<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter] They would get on board, and they would do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSomething that I love about that Scripture, though, is that you can look at it, and I think a lot of parents have the tendency to take that as an invitation to parent with a lot of strength and anger, throwing Bible verses at their kids\u2014\u201cThis is so that you can correct them and reprove them!\u201d\u2014when, really, it's: \u201cNo; we spend time in the Word and the Word of God will bear fruit in <em>our<\/em> lives. <em>We<\/em> will be taught, and <em>we<\/em> will be corrected, and <em>we<\/em> will be ready to teach and correct our children.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut back to what Amber started this whole conversation with\u2014it really started with going back to the Word. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber: <\/strong>I encourage families and moms, in particular, to consider themselves as coaches\u2014that they are mom, as coach. When I was a high school English teacher, years ago, I had a student named Stacy. Part way through the year, Stacy was about to have this Presidential fitness test for P.E. She had to run a lap, and it was an <em>exhausting<\/em> thing for her; she had never passed it before. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn testing day, it happened to be that my prep period was during Stacy's P.E. period. I went down to the field, and I stood there and I was cheering her on; she was not doing very well at all. She was coming along; she was tired. As she came around, I was like, \u201cI've got to get right down there and give her a couple of tips.\u201d I jogged alongside her for a minute and said: \u201cStacy, put your shoulders back; take a deep breath. You can do it! I believe in you. I know this is going to be the year that you're going to pass it!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLong story short, just before the time was up, she crossed that chalk line. About ten years later, her mom wrote to me and she said: \u201cI just want you to know that moment with Stacy was a pivotal moment in her life. She realized someone really cared about her.\u201d It was like a light bulb for me: \u201cThis is what I'm supposed to be doing with my kids. I'm supposed to be <em>coaching<\/em> them and, really, I need to do what a good coach does\u2014they inspire; and they come alongside; and like you said, Bob, they set up practices\u2014like Wendy shared. That's <em>great<\/em> coaching; that's <em>great<\/em> stewardship of that Scripture verse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; so if you look at what you're doing with your kids and you say: \u201cHow much time is spent training in righteousness? How much time is spent instructing versus how much time is spent correcting and reproving?\u201d You will find there is less correcting and reproving if you're doing more training and instructing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Amber:<\/strong> \u2014and doing it in a loving\/gentle way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You guys give us a pattern\/an outline for how to do this in a <em>wide<\/em> variety of very specific situations in the book, <em>Triggers. <\/em>I'm just looking at the Table of Contents in the book and chapters like \u201cDisobedience,\u201d\u00a0 \u201cBack Talk,\u201d \u201cDisrespect,\u201d \u201cStrong-Willed Kids,\u201d \u201cAngry Kids,\u201d \u201cWhining and Complaining,\u201d \u201cSibling Rivalry\u201d\u2014I could go on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I can't wait to talk more. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Parents are like: \u201cJust send me the book now!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: \u201c<\/strong>You have named the issues for us.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> And look at the second page of that Table of Contents. The first are all about the kids, but the second page\u2014they're all about us: \u201cOur Depression,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cNoise,\u201d \u201cMessy Homes.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Wendy:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cExhaustion.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cMulti-tasking,\u201d \u201cTransitions.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe would love to get a copy of the book, <em>Triggers,<\/em> in <em>your<\/em> hand. The subtitle is <em>Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses<\/em>. We're making it available this week when you make a donation to help support the ministry of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. FamilyLife is listener-supported. The work we do happens because folks, like you, say: \u201dThis is important; I want to see it continue in my community. I want to make an investment in this ministry.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can do that today, we'll send you a copy of the book, <em>Triggers<\/em>, as our way of saying, \u201cThank you for your ongoing support of this ministry.\u201d You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to make a donation at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. There is additional information available there about resources from Amber and Wendy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can find out more about FamilyLife's <em>Art of Parenting<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series when you go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that's 1-800-\u201dF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think all of us, as parents, have been asking the question today: \u201cWhat are my triggers? What are the things that my kids do that set me off?\u201d and then, \u201cHow can I open myself up for the Holy Spirit to do a work in those areas?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDavid Robbins, who is the President of FamilyLife, is here with us\u2014this is an issue every parent has to deal with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes; I feel like I get to practice this <em>every day<\/em>. [Laughter] I mean, the entire conversation is like: \u201cHow do I not trigger?\u201d [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Jesus is concerned, not just about our external behavior, but about the internal drivers and getting into the crevices of our hearts, not just addressing the outside. Matthew 23 is where He calls some of the Scribes and Pharisees white-washed tombs, because their internal and external confessions didn't match. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David<\/strong>: In a similar context, in Matthew 12, He says, \u201cFor out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.\u201d That's the same root and zeal that's been driving the entire conversation today. I <em>love<\/em> how Amber and Wendy are not content in leading us to stopping re-parenting\u2014that's not the end game\u2014but they're going after the internal root of what's driving us to that behavior and helping us meet Jesus in that place. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, I've got kids\u2014we joked at the beginning, because it's real. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I've got kids, 12 to 2. I find it both encouraging and, practically, really challenging; but I think this is the type of conversation, that if Jesus was here with us, helping us with our parenting, He'd be having this type of conversations with us as parents. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And this is a part of how He is at work in our lives and working out our salvation with fear and trembling. That's good, David; thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe're, actually, going to talk more about these triggers tomorrow as we visit, again, with Amber Lia and Wendy Speake. So, if this is an issue, I hope you can join us back tomorrow. And if it's not an issue, maybe we should have you on; and you can explain to us what you've learned. [Learned]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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