{"id":305017,"date":"2019-05-14T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-05-14T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/believe-in-your-kids\/"},"modified":"2019-05-14T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2019-05-14T15:00:00","slug":"believe-in-your-kids","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/believe-in-your-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Believe in Your Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: Mike Berry | Series: Confessions of an Adoptive Parent | Mike Berry, author of &#8220;Confessions of an Adoptive Parent,&#8221; gives an honest look at the challenging side of adoption. A father of eight adopted children, including four with fetal alcohol syndrome, Berry talks about the loss his kids have experienced and the overwhelming needs they face physically, emotionally, and mentally. Berry tells parents considering adoption that their number one need is for education and community, and promises there will be hardship alongside the joy. Berry shares what has kept him and his wife, Kristin, from giving up, and how Jesus has come alongside them.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tConfessionsofanAdoptiveParent.com<br \/>\n \tLearn more about becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife.\u00a0\u00a0https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/legacy<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Mike Berry gives an honest look at the challenging side of adoption. Berry tells parents considering adoption that their number one need is for education and community, and promises there will be hardship alongside the joy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-05-14.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:48","filesize":"26.31M","filesize_raw":"27591914","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2818,2839,2860],"tags":[2712],"podcast_series":[8273],"cwp_profile":[9533],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-305017","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adoption-and-orphans","category-attitude-problems","category-hardship-and-suffering","tag-adoption","podcast_series-confessions-of-an-adoptive-parent","cwp_profile-mike-berry","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/305017\/believe-in-your-kids","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/305017\/believe-in-your-kids","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"hTT14lkJGd\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/believe-in-your-kids\/\">Believe in Your Kids<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/believe-in-your-kids\/embed\/#?secret=hTT14lkJGd\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Believe in Your Kids&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"hTT14lkJGd\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-05-14.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-05-14.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As an adoptive parent, Mike Berry is on a mission.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I want people to know that there will be hardships. That doesn\u2019t mean if you feel called you shouldn\u2019t do it, but you need to go in with eyes wide open with this.\n\nYou need community; you need education\u2014you cannot have one without the other. If you\u2019re fully educated but you have no support, you\u2019re going to struggle, more than you would if\u2014if not. If you have all support and no education, then you\u2019re kind of walking blindly. You need both of those things.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, May 14. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson, and I'm Bob Lepine.\n\nWe\u2019ll talk today about things every prospective adoptive parent ought to know before you adopt so you\u2019re going in \u201ceyes wide open.\u201d We think adoption is a good thing. We\u2019ll just talk about how to be ready for it today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You have to have noticed this. I\u2019ve been staring at the pretty impressive \u201ctat\u201d that our guest has got. Have you noticed the tattoo there?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, I want to talk about it\u2014there it is!\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I noticed it. I noticed your wristband.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mike Berry joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Mike, welcome.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Thank you. I\u2019m glad to be here.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s quite a tattoo. How long have you had that tattoo?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I\u2019ve had this since July of this past year. It\u2019s actually unfinished. There\u2019s still more to do.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s fresh!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s a new tattoo.\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>It\u2019s a new tattoo. My wife\u2014she rolls her eyes every time I say this\u2014but I\u2019m like, this was <em>excruciating<\/em>. All I\u2019m thinking, when he started to do this\u2014this is going to have little leaves on it that have the initials of all my kids\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, it\u2019s a tree.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> It\u2019s a tree of life; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s on your forearm.\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>Yes. I\u2019m telling you, at one point, I felt like he was cutting into my arm, like cutting into flesh the whole time. I kept looking over at it. It was the most uncool tattoo experience. My wife said, \u201cYou can\u2019t tell people that.\u201d She has a couple of tattoos, too. She said, \u201cYou can\u2019t tell people that.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t care. It hurt.\u201d [Laughter] I don\u2019t care if you\u2019re not supposed to say that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That tattoo is a little bit like raising children. It\u2019s beautiful, and it\u2019s going to have this great outcome, but it can be so painful in the process.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The bracelet? Is there a connection to the wristband? Excuse me, I shouldn\u2019t call it a bracelet.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> The bracelet is\u2014I went with my daughter\u2019s choir to Tlaxcala, Mexico, this past\u2014the day after Thanksgiving. I bought this on the streets of Tlaxcala. It\u2019s handmade; it\u2019s lizard skin. I watched the guy handmake it.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s pretty cool.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That is cool!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So you\u2019re going to give it to me as a gift?\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>I will let you touch the leather skin. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When are you getting the tattoo finished?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I think maybe this summer. Here\u2019s the thing you have to know about me\u2014I have to work up to things that involve needles.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No way!\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Not kidding. I have to be in the most peaceful, Zen state of my life to have blood drawn. [Laughter] It\u2019s pathetic, I know.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And yet you\u2019re the adoptive parent of eight kids.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I know. Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Eight kids with trauma in their background.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> And I\u2019m such a wimp, on so many levels. Yes. Physically\u2014physically speaking.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mike has written a book called <em>Confessions of an Adoptive Parent: Hope and Help from the Trenches of Foster Care and Adoption<\/em>.\n\nEight kids\u2014all of them with trauma in their background?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> We have four children who have been diagnosed with alcohol-related neurodevelopmental disorder, which is under the umbrella of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> That\u2019s really the pinnacle of special needs. Everybody\u2014all of our children deal with loss in some way, shape, or form, but those four have the major needs.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Was that purposeful? Did you know they had that, coming in?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> We were foster to adopt, and we did know some of the background. Realistically\u2014and this is something that we\u2019ve learned through research that now we train families on\u2014the reality with adoption foster care, especially when you\u2019re fostering to adopt, alcohol is a very inexpensive item to purchase. You can almost assume that if there were other things going on\u2014not always\u2014but if there were other uses, that alcohol was probably a factor as well because it\u2019s so easily accessible.\n\nWe did know with some of our kids that there was a potential for drug and alcohol exposure in utero. We received official diagnosis from\u2014there\u2019s clinics all around the nation that will give official diagnosis for fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, alcohol-related neurodevelopmental disorder because it is a recognized disorder.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mike, if you were sitting down today with a couple who are on the front end of this, and you said you were foster to adopt, that\u2019s how you handled all eight of your adoptions? You fostered them first?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Six out of the eight. Our first adoption was a private adoption, and our last adoption was a private adoption. They were the bookends, so the middle six.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You fostered kids that you did not adopt, I presume so.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. Correct.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you\u2019re sitting down with somebody, and they\u2019re saying, \u201cWe\u2019ve been thinking about it, maybe the Lord\u2019s leading us to this\u2014adoption. We wonder if that\u2019s it. Give us\u00a0 your pep talk\u2014or your discouragement talk\u2014or whatever kind of talk it is. What do we need to know? What are the questions we should be asking to know whether we can endure what you\u2019ve gone through?\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. It goes back to that list you read earlier. I would say to them that they need education and they need community. The reason I put that list in the book is because I want people to know that there will be hardships. That doesn\u2019t mean that if you feel called you shouldn\u2019t do it, but you need to go in with eyes wide open with this.\n\nYou need community; you need education. Those two hold hands together. You cannot have one without the other. If you\u2019re fully educated but you have no support, you\u2019re going to struggle, more than you would if not. If you have all support and no education, then you\u2019re walking blindly. You need both of those things.\n\nThat\u2019s what I would say to them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Which is harder to get? Education, or community?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> It used to be education, but that\u2019s changing. Organizations like my company, which is <em>Confessions of an Adoptive Parent,<\/em> we specialize in providing virtual support for foster adoptive parents, through resources, through training, through parent-to-parent support. It\u2019s changing.\n\nYou have organizations like ours, like <em>Christian Alliance for Orphans,<\/em> all of these different organizations that are now rising up and saying, \u201cYou know what? For so long, there has been a lack of education.\u201d They are coming alongside families, and saying, \u201cNot only are we going to help you learn about trauma and how trauma changes the brain, but we\u2019re also going to walk with you and support you.\u201d It\u2019s changing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How do people find those organizations? Do they google \u201chelp for fostering,\u201d or \u201ccommunity\u201d?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. You can do that. State by state, there are resources. We always tell people immediately that they could do a google search and find lots and lots of results. They\u2019ll have to weed through that and know what they\u2019re looking for. We have certain partnerships\u2014organizations that we state openly, we stand by these organizations\u2014and these are great places to work with.\n\nOne of the first places to start is just by looking at your local foster care agency. Most places, not all, but most places are going to do a decent job with saying, \u201cHey, we have a support group. We have training sessions that meeting monthly.\u201d A lot of places are doing that now.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You talk about education and community; I wonder about perseverance. I wonder how many times you\u2019ve wanted to quit or felt like you couldn\u2019t\u2014I\u2019m sure community helped there. I\u2019m thinking of the sleepless nights, police visits, daughters getting pregnant\u2014all these things you\u2019ve walked through\u2014how did you not quit?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I think Jesus becomes real\u2014realer than He is, than I believe He is already\u2014when flesh and blood human beings step into the mess with us, and wrap their arms around us. I think that\u2019s Jesus in flesh here on Earth. I think that, by all means, I\u2019m a person of faith, and I believe that Jesus is real, and He\u2019s held onto us through the darkest storms.\n\nBut, even this morning, before I came over here, I got a text from my best friend. This is a member of my tribe; this is the person I lean on. He was checking on me because this last week, we had a rough week, a very dark week. He has repeatedly sent me texts, and saying, \u201cHey, how are you doing?\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s when Jesus takes on flesh, as far as I\u2019m concerned. That\u2019s when He becomes more real. That\u2019s when, in Psalm 34\u2014I think it\u2019s 34:18\u2014where it says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. That\u2019s when the Lord becomes real. That verse takes on flesh and blood because somebody on the other side of a phone sends a text and says, \u201cI\u2019ve got you. I\u2019m holding you up.\u201d\n\nKristin, I wish you were here to tell this story where she talks about Aaron and Hur holding up Moses\u2019 arms. If you guys could see this video of her teaching this lesson\u2014there\u2019s a room of about 1500 adoptive parents who are holding each other\u2019s arms up as she prays this prayer.\n\nShe tells the story of the battle, and\u2014again, I\u2019m terrible with this\u2014I\u2019m trying to remember all the references. It\u2019s where the Israelites are locked in a vicious battle, and Moses is growing tired, and his arms start to fall, and the Israelites start to lose. Aaron and Hur recognize that, and they go over and they put their arm\u2014they hold his arms up, and the Israelites move on to victory.\n\nShe tells that story because Kristin and I have people in our corner that hold us up. The reason she told that story is she has these two close friends; they\u2019re two couples that we know who live all over the U.S., like 2200 miles away from us. When we were going through something\u2014the police situation, dealing with the law\u2014it\u2019s interesting because when your hometown police officers call you by name, it\u2019s clear they\u2019ve been to your house a couple of times; right? [Laughter]\n\nWe\u2019re dealing with all that; my son\u2019s going back to residential treatment, and Kristin sends out this desperate text to Andrea and Krista, who live on the West Coast, saying, \u201cListen, we don\u2019t know how we are going to get through this. Just pray for us.\u201d\n\nKrista texts back, \u201cWe will be your Aaron and Hur.\u201d This is going to get me emotional. That\u2019s what they were; they held us\u2014they held up our arms, and that\u2019s what we need.\n\nIt is not all pretty and glamorous. We say, \u201cHey, I\u2019ll pray for you,\u201d but if you\u2019re going to enter into that battle, stand there while the battle\u2019s raging, and hold someone\u2019s arms up, that\u2019s what gets us through. That\u2019s when God becomes the realest of the real of the real to us.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As you talk about that, I\u2019m thinking about that, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cFaith, that is huge.\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes, oh yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As you\u2019re walking into this, and people are considering, \u201cHm. Should I do this? Should I foster? Should I adopt?\u201d You\u2019ve already named a few things. Go on with that list. What are the things you think, \u201cThis is what you need as you walk into this journey?\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. I\u2019ve already spoken about the two. Support is huge. I will be honest here and say this\u2014when you\u2019re talking about support\u2014especially if you\u2019re connected to a church community\u2014you\u2019re going to having a lot of people who are high fiving you. They\u2019re the high five crowd who are like, \u201cWe\u2019re your cheerleaders! We\u2019ve got you!\u201d\n\nI always tell people, \u201cBe cautious of the people who think you\u2019re a hero for doing this.\u201d It\u2019s almost like they\u2019re divided from you by a glass wall. It\u2019s almost like you\u2019re looking through this glass wall, and then when everything falls apart, and you\u2019re parenting a kiddo from a really hard place, those people tend to be the first to turn tail.\n\nYou want the people who are not impressed by what you\u2019re doing, who don\u2019t think that you\u2019re a super hero, but understand why you\u2019re doing it. You want people who won\u2019t judge you, who will be your Aaron and Hur, who will hold you up. Our best friends, John and Nicole, Ryan and Megan\u2014two couples who\u2014I shy away from this term, but\u2014we \u201cdo life\u201d together.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How did you find them?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> When I moved to Indiana, I became a youth pastor, and they were youth leaders. What\u2019s interesting is that one of the first things I did as a youth pastor of that church is I changed all the programming. It made a lot of people mad, but John and Nicole stuck through that with me. They became close friends to us, and they have been through the fire with us.\n\nNicole was actually at our house one time when one of my children completely flipped out, melted down, and picked up one of those big patio pavers that\u2019s about this big, 2x2. I don\u2019t know how he did it. I can\u2019t even lift those things up. He picked it up to throw it at my wife. She\u2019s five foot three, 120 pounds\u2014she\u2019s petite\u2014she\u2019s small. He goes to chuck this at my wife, and Nicole steps in the way. The brick hits her in the knee, and she ends up in the ER.\n\nShe still loved us, and she still loves my kid. Those are the people you want in your corner. I don\u2019t want to freak anybody out by these stories, but I will be honest. We\u2019re talking about kiddos from tough places.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I talked to a friend who faced a situation with an adopted child where they looked and said, \u201cWe\u2019re going to have to put this child out of our family, out of our home, for the safety of our kids and other kids in the neighborhood.\u201d This is one of the hardest choices they\u2019ve ever had to make because they loved the child and because they had assumed responsibility.\n\nNow, a couple years in, they\u2019re going, \u201cWe don\u2019t know how to handle this and how to control this.\u201d Have you ever had situations with kids where you thought, \u201cWe can\u2019t continue to be their parents?\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think we\u2019ve ever been to the point where we thought we cannot do this. We have been to the point where we know we cannot keep this child safe. That\u2019s when residential treatment came into the picture. We\u2019ve known people who have had to relinquish.\n\nWe have some good friends who specialize in helping parents who have had to relinquish. That\u2019s their ministry. That\u2019s their outreach. But we\u2019ve never quite been to that place\u2014that point. We\u2019ve had some really dark moments. That list that you mentioned earlier from the book, Dave, is real. And that\u2019s a small slice of it.\n\nThat\u2019s a reality for several people. That\u2019s hard because you feel like a failure, and you beat yourself up. You feel like, \u201cWhat did I do wrong?\u201d There are plenty of stories out there that are not good stories where people entered into the foster care adoption journey maybe for selfish reasons. That\u2019s a whole other topic.\n\nWe\u2019re talking about kids who have gone through chronic trauma to the point that it has left them with an inability to function at times. Sometimes parents are up against a wall, and they have to protect other kids. Their backs are against the wall.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve sat with parents and said, \u201cDo you recognize, do you know that where your kids are today as a result of what you\u2019ve done as an adoptive parent is <em>so<\/em> much better than where they\u2019d be if you\u2019d not stepped into their lives.\u201d\n\nYou may look at it and go, \u201cThese kids are still way messed up. But the fact that they\u2019re still alive is probably because of you. The fact that they\u2019re not in juvey is probably because of you. Or maybe they\u2019ve been to juvey, but the fact that they\u2019re not up on a felony\u2026.\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You do have to sit down and go, \u201cWe\u2019ve made deposits here that have improved the lives of these kids,\u201d even though we look and go, \u201cThis is not what we dreamed of for these kids.\u201d But by God\u2019s grace, they\u2019re in a better place than they would be if you hadn\u2019t gotten involved.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Mike, what are your hopes?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> They\u2019re much the same as a biological parent would have. Kristin would say it like this\u2014\u201cWe\u2019re not raising children; we\u2019re raising adults.\u201d We\u2014for us\u2014our structure that\u2019s in our home, and our boundaries, and the consequences that we have when boundaries are crossed\u2014they\u2019re all pointing toward this end goal of \u201cI want to raise children who respect themselves, respect others, and have character and integrity.\u201d That\u2019s\u2014for us\u2014what it\u2019s all about.\n\nOur kiddos have come from places that have caused behaviors to happen. We call them \u201ctrauma-induced behaviors\u201d because it\u2019s a result of trauma. Some of the situations we\u2019ve dealt with have not been their fault. We look at our kids and say, \u201cI still believe in you. I still believe you have hope and a future.\u201d\n\nMy son who has spent more time in an institution than in my house because he could not make choices that were safe for him or anybody else\u2014I still look at him and I say, \u201cI believe in you. You have hope, and you have a future.\u201d That\u2019s in spite of some really, really dark stuff.\n\nI will tell parents this: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to believe in your kids, even through the hard stuff.\u201d You cannot think that anybody\u2019s a hopeless cause, even through some big, big failures. Everybody has hope, no matter what mistakes they make, no matter what sin has happened. There\u2019s hope for everybody, and that\u2019s because grace changes everything.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s in some ways a confirmation. I\u2019m still stuck on Psalm 34:18 that you mentioned earlier. God saying, \u201cI\u2019m near the broken-hearted. I save those who are crushed in spirit.\u201d That\u2019s definitely for an adoptive parent, but that\u2019s every parent.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s every person who needs to be reminded <em>He\u2019s<\/em> here.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s really no different with biological kids, or adopted, or foster care children. We\u2019re looking at them the way God looks at them and seeing the things that God put in them. He always sees hope; He always sees redemption. That\u2019s what we\u2019re trying to pull out of our kids. That\u2019s what you\u2019re saying. \u201cI still believe in you. I see you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so important.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You may have started this whole journey with aspirations of being a superhero. [Laughter] You and your wife <em>are <\/em>heroes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>I appreciate that. Thank you.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and your wife have intervened directly in the lives of eight human beings whose lives are immeasurably better because of the sacrifices you\u2019ve made and the pain you\u2019ve endured, and what you have borne for them. Jesus said, \u201cGreater love has no man than this, that he lays down his life for his friends.\u201d You\u2019ve laid down your lives for your kids and demonstrated amazing love to them.\n\nWe appreciate you coming and offering insight and counsel, and helping us understand that, yes, there\u2019s a glory in adoption, but it\u2019s a rugged glory. It\u2019s a hard path.\n\nI hope listeners who are thinking about adoption, or listeners who are in it, in foster care, in adoption, and you\u2019ve hit the wall\u2014get a copy of Mike\u2019s book and find out more about his ministry. Go online to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. We\u2019ve got links there. You can order the book, <em>Confessions of an Adoptive Parent: Hope and Help from the Trenches of Foster Care and Adoption<\/em>.\n\nAgain, order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or if it\u2019s easier, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nAgain, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order the book, 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nI keep reflecting on the idea that it takes a community\u2014it takes a village\u2014to raise children. For adoptive parents\u2014to try to do that on your own without a support structure, without a community around you\u2014that\u2019s a recipe for failure, for disaster. David Robbins, President of FamilyLife\u00ae is here with us. We can\u2019t do this journey on our own, can we?\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> We\u2019re not intended to. That\u2019s certainly not the way God designed it. One thing Mike said today just echoes in my mind, and I\u2019m really pondering on is, he said, \u201cBe cautious of the people who think you\u2019re a hero,\u201d when we\u2019re going through something hard or taking on something God\u2019s inviting us into. \u201cWhen things get hard, those people tend to be the first to leave.\u201d\n\nReally what God\u2019s doing in my heart right now is putting up a mirror for me to reflect and go, \u201cWhat are the ways I\u2019m actually avoiding some people in my life and backing away slowly of some people who are in pain\u2014that God actually wants me to journey in deeper with them\u2014whether that\u2019s busyness or convenience that\u2019s keeping me away from it?\u201d\n\nI\u2019m a little convicted today and perhaps you are, too of, \u201cWho around me needs me to be an Aaron and a Hur in this season? Who is someone who is experiencing suffering, or a trial in this season? How can I serve them? What do I need to do to just go be present with them amongst the pain? Who is God inviting me to point to Him through Christ and by the Holy Spirit?\u201d <em>He<\/em> is the ultimate Aaron and Hur. How can I help point people to Him amongst their pain?\n\nI want to be a person who bears each other\u2019s burdens. I think in parts of my life, I have been. I have been a real friend who bears burdens well. I think today I\u2019m pretty convicted and some people are coming up in my life that I think I need to go be with them. I need to carry burdens with them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking of something Paul Tripp said years ago. He said God made us to live upward and outward, and too often we spend our lives looking inward. It\u2019s a good reminder. We need to be looking out and saying, \u201cLord, who do You want me to interact with today?\u201d\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes. On the other side, if you\u2019re someone who\u2019s going, \u201cBut <em>I\u2019m<\/em> the one hurting\u2014<em>I\u2019m<\/em> the one drowning and suffocating,\u201d I think it\u2019s healthy for us to declare needs. Sometimes we get isolated, and we need to ask for help. It\u2019s okay to ask for help.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s good. Thank you, David.\n\nJust before we wrap up today, we are so grateful for the listeners we have already heard from during the month of May. We\u2019re about halfway through the month. Many of you have already heard about the matching gift opportunity that was made available to us this month\u2014an opportunity to match every donation we receive up to a total of $550,000. Many of you have responded. We\u2019ve got some new Legacy Partners who have joined us. Thank you for becoming monthly supporters of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\nWe have a little bit of an update today. We\u2019ve actually had an <em>increase<\/em> in the amount of matching funds that are being made available. In fact, an additional $95,000 has been added to that matching gift fund, so we\u2019re now at a total of $645,000. Every donation you make is going to be matched dollar for dollar until that fund is depleted. If you become a Legacy Partner today, every time you make a donation over the next 12 months, your donation will be matched, again, until the funds are gone.\n\nWe\u2019re hoping <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners will make a one-time donation, or become a new monthly Legacy Partner. If you decide to become a Legacy Partner, we want to send you a thank you gift. It\u2019s a gift card so that either you or someone you know can attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00ae marriage getaway. The registration is our gift to you as a way of saying, \u201cThank you\u201d for becoming a Legacy Partner.\n\nYou can sign up online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, that\u2019s either to make a one-time gift or to become a new Legacy Partner. We\u2019ll send out the gift card to Legacy Partners as soon as we hear from you, and you make your first gift. Again, go on line at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and help us take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity.\n\nWe hope you can join us tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about what\u2019s become an epidemic in our culture\u2014it\u2019s the whole issue of sexual sin, sexual brokenness: pornography and other forms of sexual sin. Jay Streamer is going to join us to talk about some landmark research that\u2019s been done to help us get to the root of all this. We\u2019ll talk with him tomorrow. Hope you can join us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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Berry gives an honest look at the challenging side of adoption. Berry tells parents considering adoption that their number one need is for education and community, and promises there will be hardship alongside the joy.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-05-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>As an adoptive parent, Mike Berry is on a mission.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I want people to know that there will be hardships. That doesn\u2019t mean if you feel called you shouldn\u2019t do it, but you need to go in with eyes wide open with this.\n\nYou need community; you need education\u2014you cannot have one without the other. If you\u2019re fully educated but you have no support, you\u2019re going to struggle, more than you would if\u2014if not. If you have all support and no education, then you\u2019re kind of walking blindly. You need both of those things.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, May 14. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson, and I'm Bob Lepine.\n\nWe\u2019ll talk today about things every prospective adoptive parent ought to know before you adopt so you\u2019re going in \u201ceyes wide open.\u201d We think adoption is a good thing. We\u2019ll just talk about how to be ready for it today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You have to have noticed this. I\u2019ve been staring at the pretty impressive \u201ctat\u201d that our guest has got. Have you noticed the tattoo there?\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No, I want to talk about it\u2014there it is!\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I noticed it. I noticed your wristband.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mike Berry joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> Mike, welcome.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Thank you. I\u2019m glad to be here.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s quite a tattoo. How long have you had that tattoo?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I\u2019ve had this since July of this past year. It\u2019s actually unfinished. There\u2019s still more to do.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s fresh!\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s a new tattoo.\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>It\u2019s a new tattoo. My wife\u2014she rolls her eyes every time I say this\u2014but I\u2019m like, this was <em>excruciating<\/em>. All I\u2019m thinking, when he started to do this\u2014this is going to have little leaves on it that have the initials of all my kids\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, it\u2019s a tree.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> It\u2019s a tree of life; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s on your forearm.\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>Yes. I\u2019m telling you, at one point, I felt like he was cutting into my arm, like cutting into flesh the whole time. I kept looking over at it. It was the most uncool tattoo experience. My wife said, \u201cYou can\u2019t tell people that.\u201d She has a couple of tattoos, too. She said, \u201cYou can\u2019t tell people that.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t care. It hurt.\u201d [Laughter] I don\u2019t care if you\u2019re not supposed to say that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That tattoo is a little bit like raising children. It\u2019s beautiful, and it\u2019s going to have this great outcome, but it can be so painful in the process.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The bracelet? Is there a connection to the wristband? Excuse me, I shouldn\u2019t call it a bracelet.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> The bracelet is\u2014I went with my daughter\u2019s choir to Tlaxcala, Mexico, this past\u2014the day after Thanksgiving. I bought this on the streets of Tlaxcala. It\u2019s handmade; it\u2019s lizard skin. I watched the guy handmake it.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s pretty cool.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That is cool!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So you\u2019re going to give it to me as a gift?\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>I will let you touch the leather skin. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When are you getting the tattoo finished?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I think maybe this summer. Here\u2019s the thing you have to know about me\u2014I have to work up to things that involve needles.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> No way!\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Not kidding. I have to be in the most peaceful, Zen state of my life to have blood drawn. [Laughter] It\u2019s pathetic, I know.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And yet you\u2019re the adoptive parent of eight kids.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I know. Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Eight kids with trauma in their background.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> And I\u2019m such a wimp, on so many levels. Yes. Physically\u2014physically speaking.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mike has written a book called <em>Confessions of an Adoptive Parent: Hope and Help from the Trenches of Foster Care and Adoption<\/em>.\n\nEight kids\u2014all of them with trauma in their background?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> We have four children who have been diagnosed with alcohol-related neurodevelopmental disorder, which is under the umbrella of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> That\u2019s really the pinnacle of special needs. Everybody\u2014all of our children deal with loss in some way, shape, or form, but those four have the major needs.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Was that purposeful? Did you know they had that, coming in?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> We were foster to adopt, and we did know some of the background. Realistically\u2014and this is something that we\u2019ve learned through research that now we train families on\u2014the reality with adoption foster care, especially when you\u2019re fostering to adopt, alcohol is a very inexpensive item to purchase. You can almost assume that if there were other things going on\u2014not always\u2014but if there were other uses, that alcohol was probably a factor as well because it\u2019s so easily accessible.\n\nWe did know with some of our kids that there was a potential for drug and alcohol exposure in utero. We received official diagnosis from\u2014there\u2019s clinics all around the nation that will give official diagnosis for fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, alcohol-related neurodevelopmental disorder because it is a recognized disorder.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Mike, if you were sitting down today with a couple who are on the front end of this, and you said you were foster to adopt, that\u2019s how you handled all eight of your adoptions? You fostered them first?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Six out of the eight. Our first adoption was a private adoption, and our last adoption was a private adoption. They were the bookends, so the middle six.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You fostered kids that you did not adopt, I presume so.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. Correct.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you\u2019re sitting down with somebody, and they\u2019re saying, \u201cWe\u2019ve been thinking about it, maybe the Lord\u2019s leading us to this\u2014adoption. We wonder if that\u2019s it. Give us\u00a0 your pep talk\u2014or your discouragement talk\u2014or whatever kind of talk it is. What do we need to know? What are the questions we should be asking to know whether we can endure what you\u2019ve gone through?\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. It goes back to that list you read earlier. I would say to them that they need education and they need community. The reason I put that list in the book is because I want people to know that there will be hardships. That doesn\u2019t mean that if you feel called you shouldn\u2019t do it, but you need to go in with eyes wide open with this.\n\nYou need community; you need education. Those two hold hands together. You cannot have one without the other. If you\u2019re fully educated but you have no support, you\u2019re going to struggle, more than you would if not. If you have all support and no education, then you\u2019re walking blindly. You need both of those things.\n\nThat\u2019s what I would say to them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Which is harder to get? Education, or community?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> It used to be education, but that\u2019s changing. Organizations like my company, which is <em>Confessions of an Adoptive Parent,<\/em> we specialize in providing virtual support for foster adoptive parents, through resources, through training, through parent-to-parent support. It\u2019s changing.\n\nYou have organizations like ours, like <em>Christian Alliance for Orphans,<\/em> all of these different organizations that are now rising up and saying, \u201cYou know what? For so long, there has been a lack of education.\u201d They are coming alongside families, and saying, \u201cNot only are we going to help you learn about trauma and how trauma changes the brain, but we\u2019re also going to walk with you and support you.\u201d It\u2019s changing.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How do people find those organizations? Do they google \u201chelp for fostering,\u201d or \u201ccommunity\u201d?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. You can do that. State by state, there are resources. We always tell people immediately that they could do a google search and find lots and lots of results. They\u2019ll have to weed through that and know what they\u2019re looking for. We have certain partnerships\u2014organizations that we state openly, we stand by these organizations\u2014and these are great places to work with.\n\nOne of the first places to start is just by looking at your local foster care agency. Most places, not all, but most places are going to do a decent job with saying, \u201cHey, we have a support group. We have training sessions that meeting monthly.\u201d A lot of places are doing that now.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>You talk about education and community; I wonder about perseverance. I wonder how many times you\u2019ve wanted to quit or felt like you couldn\u2019t\u2014I\u2019m sure community helped there. I\u2019m thinking of the sleepless nights, police visits, daughters getting pregnant\u2014all these things you\u2019ve walked through\u2014how did you not quit?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I think Jesus becomes real\u2014realer than He is, than I believe He is already\u2014when flesh and blood human beings step into the mess with us, and wrap their arms around us. I think that\u2019s Jesus in flesh here on Earth. I think that, by all means, I\u2019m a person of faith, and I believe that Jesus is real, and He\u2019s held onto us through the darkest storms.\n\nBut, even this morning, before I came over here, I got a text from my best friend. This is a member of my tribe; this is the person I lean on. He was checking on me because this last week, we had a rough week, a very dark week. He has repeatedly sent me texts, and saying, \u201cHey, how are you doing?\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s when Jesus takes on flesh, as far as I\u2019m concerned. That\u2019s when He becomes more real. That\u2019s when, in Psalm 34\u2014I think it\u2019s 34:18\u2014where it says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. That\u2019s when the Lord becomes real. That verse takes on flesh and blood because somebody on the other side of a phone sends a text and says, \u201cI\u2019ve got you. I\u2019m holding you up.\u201d\n\nKristin, I wish you were here to tell this story where she talks about Aaron and Hur holding up Moses\u2019 arms. If you guys could see this video of her teaching this lesson\u2014there\u2019s a room of about 1500 adoptive parents who are holding each other\u2019s arms up as she prays this prayer.\n\nShe tells the story of the battle, and\u2014again, I\u2019m terrible with this\u2014I\u2019m trying to remember all the references. It\u2019s where the Israelites are locked in a vicious battle, and Moses is growing tired, and his arms start to fall, and the Israelites start to lose. Aaron and Hur recognize that, and they go over and they put their arm\u2014they hold his arms up, and the Israelites move on to victory.\n\nShe tells that story because Kristin and I have people in our corner that hold us up. The reason she told that story is she has these two close friends; they\u2019re two couples that we know who live all over the U.S., like 2200 miles away from us. When we were going through something\u2014the police situation, dealing with the law\u2014it\u2019s interesting because when your hometown police officers call you by name, it\u2019s clear they\u2019ve been to your house a couple of times; right? [Laughter]\n\nWe\u2019re dealing with all that; my son\u2019s going back to residential treatment, and Kristin sends out this desperate text to Andrea and Krista, who live on the West Coast, saying, \u201cListen, we don\u2019t know how we are going to get through this. Just pray for us.\u201d\n\nKrista texts back, \u201cWe will be your Aaron and Hur.\u201d This is going to get me emotional. That\u2019s what they were; they held us\u2014they held up our arms, and that\u2019s what we need.\n\nIt is not all pretty and glamorous. We say, \u201cHey, I\u2019ll pray for you,\u201d but if you\u2019re going to enter into that battle, stand there while the battle\u2019s raging, and hold someone\u2019s arms up, that\u2019s what gets us through. That\u2019s when God becomes the realest of the real of the real to us.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As you talk about that, I\u2019m thinking about that, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cFaith, that is huge.\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes, oh yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> As you\u2019re walking into this, and people are considering, \u201cHm. Should I do this? Should I foster? Should I adopt?\u201d You\u2019ve already named a few things. Go on with that list. What are the things you think, \u201cThis is what you need as you walk into this journey?\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. I\u2019ve already spoken about the two. Support is huge. I will be honest here and say this\u2014when you\u2019re talking about support\u2014especially if you\u2019re connected to a church community\u2014you\u2019re going to having a lot of people who are high fiving you. They\u2019re the high five crowd who are like, \u201cWe\u2019re your cheerleaders! We\u2019ve got you!\u201d\n\nI always tell people, \u201cBe cautious of the people who think you\u2019re a hero for doing this.\u201d It\u2019s almost like they\u2019re divided from you by a glass wall. It\u2019s almost like you\u2019re looking through this glass wall, and then when everything falls apart, and you\u2019re parenting a kiddo from a really hard place, those people tend to be the first to turn tail.\n\nYou want the people who are not impressed by what you\u2019re doing, who don\u2019t think that you\u2019re a super hero, but understand why you\u2019re doing it. You want people who won\u2019t judge you, who will be your Aaron and Hur, who will hold you up. Our best friends, John and Nicole, Ryan and Megan\u2014two couples who\u2014I shy away from this term, but\u2014we \u201cdo life\u201d together.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How did you find them?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> When I moved to Indiana, I became a youth pastor, and they were youth leaders. What\u2019s interesting is that one of the first things I did as a youth pastor of that church is I changed all the programming. It made a lot of people mad, but John and Nicole stuck through that with me. They became close friends to us, and they have been through the fire with us.\n\nNicole was actually at our house one time when one of my children completely flipped out, melted down, and picked up one of those big patio pavers that\u2019s about this big, 2x2. I don\u2019t know how he did it. I can\u2019t even lift those things up. He picked it up to throw it at my wife. She\u2019s five foot three, 120 pounds\u2014she\u2019s petite\u2014she\u2019s small. He goes to chuck this at my wife, and Nicole steps in the way. The brick hits her in the knee, and she ends up in the ER.\n\nShe still loved us, and she still loves my kid. Those are the people you want in your corner. I don\u2019t want to freak anybody out by these stories, but I will be honest. We\u2019re talking about kiddos from tough places.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I talked to a friend who faced a situation with an adopted child where they looked and said, \u201cWe\u2019re going to have to put this child out of our family, out of our home, for the safety of our kids and other kids in the neighborhood.\u201d This is one of the hardest choices they\u2019ve ever had to make because they loved the child and because they had assumed responsibility.\n\nNow, a couple years in, they\u2019re going, \u201cWe don\u2019t know how to handle this and how to control this.\u201d Have you ever had situations with kids where you thought, \u201cWe can\u2019t continue to be their parents?\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think we\u2019ve ever been to the point where we thought we cannot do this. We have been to the point where we know we cannot keep this child safe. That\u2019s when residential treatment came into the picture. We\u2019ve known people who have had to relinquish.\n\nWe have some good friends who specialize in helping parents who have had to relinquish. That\u2019s their ministry. That\u2019s their outreach. But we\u2019ve never quite been to that place\u2014that point. We\u2019ve had some really dark moments. That list that you mentioned earlier from the book, Dave, is real. And that\u2019s a small slice of it.\n\nThat\u2019s a reality for several people. That\u2019s hard because you feel like a failure, and you beat yourself up. You feel like, \u201cWhat did I do wrong?\u201d There are plenty of stories out there that are not good stories where people entered into the foster care adoption journey maybe for selfish reasons. That\u2019s a whole other topic.\n\nWe\u2019re talking about kids who have gone through chronic trauma to the point that it has left them with an inability to function at times. Sometimes parents are up against a wall, and they have to protect other kids. Their backs are against the wall.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve sat with parents and said, \u201cDo you recognize, do you know that where your kids are today as a result of what you\u2019ve done as an adoptive parent is <em>so<\/em> much better than where they\u2019d be if you\u2019d not stepped into their lives.\u201d\n\nYou may look at it and go, \u201cThese kids are still way messed up. But the fact that they\u2019re still alive is probably because of you. The fact that they\u2019re not in juvey is probably because of you. Or maybe they\u2019ve been to juvey, but the fact that they\u2019re not up on a felony\u2026.\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes. Yes.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You do have to sit down and go, \u201cWe\u2019ve made deposits here that have improved the lives of these kids,\u201d even though we look and go, \u201cThis is not what we dreamed of for these kids.\u201d But by God\u2019s grace, they\u2019re in a better place than they would be if you hadn\u2019t gotten involved.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Mike, what are your hopes?\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> They\u2019re much the same as a biological parent would have. Kristin would say it like this\u2014\u201cWe\u2019re not raising children; we\u2019re raising adults.\u201d We\u2014for us\u2014our structure that\u2019s in our home, and our boundaries, and the consequences that we have when boundaries are crossed\u2014they\u2019re all pointing toward this end goal of \u201cI want to raise children who respect themselves, respect others, and have character and integrity.\u201d That\u2019s\u2014for us\u2014what it\u2019s all about.\n\nOur kiddos have come from places that have caused behaviors to happen. We call them \u201ctrauma-induced behaviors\u201d because it\u2019s a result of trauma. Some of the situations we\u2019ve dealt with have not been their fault. We look at our kids and say, \u201cI still believe in you. I still believe you have hope and a future.\u201d\n\nMy son who has spent more time in an institution than in my house because he could not make choices that were safe for him or anybody else\u2014I still look at him and I say, \u201cI believe in you. You have hope, and you have a future.\u201d That\u2019s in spite of some really, really dark stuff.\n\nI will tell parents this: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to believe in your kids, even through the hard stuff.\u201d You cannot think that anybody\u2019s a hopeless cause, even through some big, big failures. Everybody has hope, no matter what mistakes they make, no matter what sin has happened. There\u2019s hope for everybody, and that\u2019s because grace changes everything.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s in some ways a confirmation. I\u2019m still stuck on Psalm 34:18 that you mentioned earlier. God saying, \u201cI\u2019m near the broken-hearted. I save those who are crushed in spirit.\u201d That\u2019s definitely for an adoptive parent, but that\u2019s every parent.\n\n<strong>Mike:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s every person who needs to be reminded <em>He\u2019s<\/em> here.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>It\u2019s really no different with biological kids, or adopted, or foster care children. We\u2019re looking at them the way God looks at them and seeing the things that God put in them. He always sees hope; He always sees redemption. That\u2019s what we\u2019re trying to pull out of our kids. That\u2019s what you\u2019re saying. \u201cI still believe in you. I see you.\u201d\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so important.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You may have started this whole journey with aspirations of being a superhero. [Laughter] You and your wife <em>are <\/em>heroes.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Mike: <\/strong>I appreciate that. Thank you.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and your wife have intervened directly in the lives of eight human beings whose lives are immeasurably better because of the sacrifices you\u2019ve made and the pain you\u2019ve endured, and what you have borne for them. Jesus said, \u201cGreater love has no man than this, that he lays down his life for his friends.\u201d You\u2019ve laid down your lives for your kids and demonstrated amazing love to them.\n\nWe appreciate you coming and offering insight and counsel, and helping us understand that, yes, there\u2019s a glory in adoption, but it\u2019s a rugged glory. It\u2019s a hard path.\n\nI hope listeners who are thinking about adoption, or listeners who are in it, in foster care, in adoption, and you\u2019ve hit the wall\u2014get a copy of Mike\u2019s book and find out more about his ministry. Go online to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com. We\u2019ve got links there. You can order the book, <em>Confessions of an Adoptive Parent: Hope and Help from the Trenches of Foster Care and Adoption<\/em>.\n\nAgain, order online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or if it\u2019s easier, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\nAgain, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order the book, 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nI keep reflecting on the idea that it takes a community\u2014it takes a village\u2014to raise children. For adoptive parents\u2014to try to do that on your own without a support structure, without a community around you\u2014that\u2019s a recipe for failure, for disaster. David Robbins, President of FamilyLife\u00ae is here with us. We can\u2019t do this journey on our own, can we?\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> We\u2019re not intended to. That\u2019s certainly not the way God designed it. One thing Mike said today just echoes in my mind, and I\u2019m really pondering on is, he said, \u201cBe cautious of the people who think you\u2019re a hero,\u201d when we\u2019re going through something hard or taking on something God\u2019s inviting us into. \u201cWhen things get hard, those people tend to be the first to leave.\u201d\n\nReally what God\u2019s doing in my heart right now is putting up a mirror for me to reflect and go, \u201cWhat are the ways I\u2019m actually avoiding some people in my life and backing away slowly of some people who are in pain\u2014that God actually wants me to journey in deeper with them\u2014whether that\u2019s busyness or convenience that\u2019s keeping me away from it?\u201d\n\nI\u2019m a little convicted today and perhaps you are, too of, \u201cWho around me needs me to be an Aaron and a Hur in this season? Who is someone who is experiencing suffering, or a trial in this season? How can I serve them? What do I need to do to just go be present with them amongst the pain? Who is God inviting me to point to Him through Christ and by the Holy Spirit?\u201d <em>He<\/em> is the ultimate Aaron and Hur. How can I help point people to Him amongst their pain?\n\nI want to be a person who bears each other\u2019s burdens. I think in parts of my life, I have been. I have been a real friend who bears burdens well. I think today I\u2019m pretty convicted and some people are coming up in my life that I think I need to go be with them. I need to carry burdens with them.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking of something Paul Tripp said years ago. He said God made us to live upward and outward, and too often we spend our lives looking inward. It\u2019s a good reminder. We need to be looking out and saying, \u201cLord, who do You want me to interact with today?\u201d\n\n<strong>David:<\/strong> Yes. On the other side, if you\u2019re someone who\u2019s going, \u201cBut <em>I\u2019m<\/em> the one hurting\u2014<em>I\u2019m<\/em> the one drowning and suffocating,\u201d I think it\u2019s healthy for us to declare needs. Sometimes we get isolated, and we need to ask for help. It\u2019s okay to ask for help.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s good. Thank you, David.\n\nJust before we wrap up today, we are so grateful for the listeners we have already heard from during the month of May. We\u2019re about halfway through the month. Many of you have already heard about the matching gift opportunity that was made available to us this month\u2014an opportunity to match every donation we receive up to a total of $550,000. Many of you have responded. We\u2019ve got some new Legacy Partners who have joined us. Thank you for becoming monthly supporters of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\nWe have a little bit of an update today. We\u2019ve actually had an <em>increase<\/em> in the amount of matching funds that are being made available. In fact, an additional $95,000 has been added to that matching gift fund, so we\u2019re now at a total of $645,000. Every donation you make is going to be matched dollar for dollar until that fund is depleted. If you become a Legacy Partner today, every time you make a donation over the next 12 months, your donation will be matched, again, until the funds are gone.\n\nWe\u2019re hoping <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners will make a one-time donation, or become a new monthly Legacy Partner. If you decide to become a Legacy Partner, we want to send you a thank you gift. It\u2019s a gift card so that either you or someone you know can attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u00ae marriage getaway. The registration is our gift to you as a way of saying, \u201cThank you\u201d for becoming a Legacy Partner.\n\nYou can sign up online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, that\u2019s either to make a one-time gift or to become a new Legacy Partner. We\u2019ll send out the gift card to Legacy Partners as soon as we hear from you, and you make your first gift. Again, go on line at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and help us take full advantage of this matching gift opportunity.\n\nWe hope you can join us tomorrow. We\u2019re going to talk about what\u2019s become an epidemic in our culture\u2014it\u2019s the whole issue of sexual sin, sexual brokenness: pornography and other forms of sexual sin. Jay Streamer is going to join us to talk about some landmark research that\u2019s been done to help us get to the root of all this. We\u2019ll talk with him tomorrow. Hope you can join us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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