{"id":304786,"date":"2017-11-30T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-11-30T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/prerequisites-for-resolving-conflict\/"},"modified":"2017-11-30T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-11-30T17:00:00","slug":"prerequisites-for-resolving-conflict","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/prerequisites-for-resolving-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Prerequisites for Resolving Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Biblical counselor Lou Priolo opens the Scriptures to Ephesians 4 to understand the benefits of humility and gentleness when resolving conflict.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-11-30.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:27","filesize":"24.21M","filesize_raw":"25390775","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2908,2821],"tags":[2918,4543,2699,4180],"podcast_series":[8251],"cwp_profile":[3226],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304786","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-forgiveness","category-reaching-out","tag-conflict","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-forgiveness","tag-peace","podcast_series-resolving-conflict","cwp_profile-lou-priolo","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304786\/prerequisites-for-resolving-conflict","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304786\/prerequisites-for-resolving-conflict","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"SVSgVhfeMW\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/prerequisites-for-resolving-conflict\/\">Prerequisites for Resolving Conflict<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/prerequisites-for-resolving-conflict\/embed\/#?secret=SVSgVhfeMW\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Prerequisites for Resolving Conflict&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"SVSgVhfeMW\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Biblical counselor Lou Priolo opens the Scriptures to Ephesians 4 to understand the benefits of humility and gentleness when resolving conflict.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-11-30.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When conflict occurs in a marriage, the only way that things are going to get better is if both the husband and the wife get their hearts right. Here\u2019s Lou Priolo.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Ephesians 4, verses 2 and 3\u2014Paul says: \u201cAs the prisoner of the Lord, I beseech you to walk\u201d\u2014to live your life\u2014\u201cin a worthy manner\u201d\u2014according with your calling. And then he talks about these four qualities that you\u2019ve got to have. He talks about being humble, gentle, patient, and forbearing. To the degree that you\u2019ve got these four things going on in your life, you\u2019re going to be a good conflict resolver. To the extent that you are proud, and harsh, and impatient, and intolerant, forget about it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, November 30<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. So how can we go about getting our hearts right when we\u2019re not getting along with one another in marriage? We\u2019ll talk to Lou Priolo about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, a lot of our listeners are going to know the verse in the Bible that says, \u201cDon\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger.\u201d I was thinking about the conversation we\u2019re having this week with Lou Priolo\u2014I thought some of these things may take a few sun-ups and sun-downs before you\u2019re ready to step in and get things worked on. If you don\u2019t let the sun go down, you\u2019re going to be exhausted; and you may not get to where you\u2019re trying to get to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you need a counselor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLou\u2019s been a counselor for more than three decades. He\u2019s also been married for more than three decades \/ has two children; and he\u2019s written a book called <em>Resolving Conflict: How to Make, Disturb, and Keep Peace<\/em>. Welcome back, Lou.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Thank you. It\u2019s good to be here! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Explain the passage of Scripture or where this book came from, in the Scriptures; because the Bible really is a relationship book\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it teaches us how to relate to God and how to relate, with respect, to our fellow man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> \u2014first and second greatest commandment. You mentioned the verse in Ephesians, Chapter 4: \u201cLet not the sun go down on your wrath.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Let me comment on that first, if I may.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou: <\/strong>A lot of couples I counsel think\u2014they think they have to stay up until 4:00 in the morning to get a conflict resolved. You may not be able to get the <em>conflict<\/em> resolved before the sun goes down\u2014that may take several days or <em>weeks<\/em>\u2014but you have to get the <em>relationship<\/em> resolved\u2014that\u2019s the point there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What do you mean when you say, you may not get the conflict resolved but you got to get the relationship resolved?\u00a0 What are you talking about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> \u201cHoney, if there is anything I need to ask your forgiveness in the way I responded today, I\u2019m willing to do that; and there may be more we can talk about tomorrow, but it is 2:00 in the morning. Can we just commit to each other that we love each other?\u2014can we commit\/agree that we are going to get this resolved tomorrow?\u201d Give each other a kiss; and say, \u201cI love you\u201d; and try to pick this up tomorrow\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014then you give the person a rain check tomorrow night \/ tomorrow morning\u2014you give them a rain check so that they know you\u2019re just not running away without committing to finishing the next leg of the conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So what do you do if, in the middle of the hurt \/ in the middle of the offense, somebody says: \u201cNo! I can\u2019t say that. I can\u2019t say, \u2018Yes, I love you\u2019; give you a kiss; and just roll over like nothing happened\u2014I\u2019m hurting.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Okay: \u201cWell, it is 2:00 in the morning. Can we give it another 20 minutes?\u201d Then you: \u201cWhat can we do in the next 20 minutes to try to get this thing as close to resolved as possible? But Honey, we just may not be able to\u2014we may, actually, have to get somebody else to help us out here. But if there is anything I need to confess, if there is anything I need to ask your forgiveness about, if there is even some commitments you\u2019d like me to make\u2014maybe I can make them tonight.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019re really starting to touch on what are some of the prerequisites for resolving conflict. Before we dive into those prerequisites, Dennis had asked you about the biblical foundation for this book. You said there really are two verses in the Bible that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u2014that sum up what this book is all about.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> It\u2019s in the same chapter\u2014it\u2019s really Ephesians 4, verses 2 and 3\u2014Paul says: \u201cAs the prisoner of the Lord, I beseech you to walk\u201d\u2014to live your life\u2014\u201cin a worthy manner\u201d\u2014according with your calling. Then he talks about these four qualities that you\u2019ve got to have. He talks about being humble, gentle, patient, and forbearing. And then in verse 3, he says \u201cMake every effort to maintain unity.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe command is\u2014you\u2019ve got to do whatever it takes to get along with other people, but he says those four qualities are essential. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo the degree that you\u2019ve got these four things going on in your life \/ to the degree that you are humble, and gentle, and patient, and forbearing, you\u2019re going to be a good conflict resolver. To the extent that you are proud, and harsh, and impatient, and intolerant, forget about it!\u2014it is going to be very difficult for you to resolve the conflict, quickly, easily, and without sin or with a minimal amount of sin.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s important to say\u2014in the midst of that, if there is perpetual, ongoing conflict in a relationship between you and somebody else, you don\u2019t have to dig far before you find pride, or a lack of forbearance, or a lack of gentleness. These are the root sins that have got to be dealt with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> I know before I ever counsel a person, based on their paperwork\u2014that if they are having long-standing problems\/conflicts\u2014I know, without ever talking to them, based on this passage, that, at least, one of them is out of sync with the Scripture. It\u2019s always the case\u2014one of the two \/ maybe both are violating or insufficient in those four prerequisite qualities that the Lord says we must have in order to get along with other people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I can see through the radio, right now\u2014there\u2019s a listener\u2014and he or she\u2019s got their arms folded and they\u2019re going, \u201cYou\u2019re right; it\u2019s not me.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cLet\u2019s talk about pride.\u201d [Laughter] Since Dennis just identified that\u2014humility really is the beginning. This goes back to Jesus, who said, \u201cYou\u2019re really good at seeing the speck in your brother\u2019s eye, but you can\u2019t see the log in your own eye.\u201d We are all predisposed to this kind of pride. Humility is not something that any of us is born with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> That is the first quality, and that probably is the most important one. When I do marriage counseling, it\u2019s really interesting how we do this. Typically, I have each couple in the first session\u2014or as a first session homework assignment\u2014to go home and identify the specific things that <em>they<\/em> have done\u2014each of them have done\u2014in terms of failing to be the husband \/ failing to be the wife that God wants each of them to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen they come in the next week with their lists. I give them a little checklist of about 100 things they might could check off if they can\u2019t think of enough on their own. They\u2019ll come in with 30\/40 things maybe. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe begin the second session, typically, by having the husband confess his sins to his wife: \u201cHoney, these are some of the ways that I have failed you over the years,\u201d\u2014and he begins\u2014\u201cNumber one\u2026Number two\u2026Number three\u2026Number four\u2026\u201d He finishes the list; and then he turns to her and he says, \u201cWill you forgive me for these things?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTypically, I\u2019ve also given them a little booklet that I have written on bitterness so they understand what they\u2019re <em>meaning<\/em> when they say, \u201cI forgive you.\u201d She forgives him; then she begins, \u201cHoney would you please forgive me for these things\u2026\u201d She reads the whole list: a, b, c, d, e, f, g; when she\u2019s done: \u201cWill you forgive me?\u201d He forgives her; then, I have them switch lists. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Lou, you said they\u2019ve got to deal with their bitterness. What does forgiveness have to do with bitterness?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Bitterness, simply put, is the result of not forgiving someone. When you do not forgive someone of their offenses\u2014but instead, you replay the offense over and over again in your mind: \u201cI can\u2019t believe he did that. What\u2019s the matter with him? How would you like that if someone did that to him? You know what? I think I\u2019m going to give him a taste of his own medicine\u2014I\u2019m going to show him what it\u2019s like to be offended that way.\u201d The more you replay that in your mind, over and over again\u2014the Bible likens bitterness to a root\u2014the deeper, and hairier, and uglier that root becomes. Essentially, when you are bitter \/ when you are resentful at someone, it means, in one way or another, you have not forgiven that person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What you\u2019re saying is\u2014forgiveness means you\u2019re giving up the right to punish the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You no longer consider their offense and continue to get angry, stew about it, and find ways to hurt them back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Exactly! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe Bible says, at the very end of this chapter that we\u2019re in, that we should be kind, tender-hearted,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> \u2014and forgiving one another. Elsewhere, it says that we should forgive even as God in Christ has forgiven us. When God forgives us, He goes on record\u2014He tells us: \u201cYou are forgiven!\u201d When He says to us: \u201cI will remember your iniquities against you no more,\u201d He\u2019s going on record; but He\u2019s making a promise to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s really what forgiveness is. Not only is it a matter of relinquishing all supposed rights that you think you have to get even, but it\u2019s making a promise to the other person\u2014really, three promises: \u201cI promise I\u2019m not going to bring it up and use it against you in a pejorative way in the future. I promise I\u2019m not going to tell other people about it\u2014at least, if they have a need to know, then I\u2019m going to put pressure on you to tell them before I tell them. Third, I promise I\u2019m not\u201d\u2014and this is the hardest one\u2014\u201cI promise I\u2019m not going to dwell on it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhen I\u2019m tempted to think of the offense, after I\u2019ve forgiven you, I promise that I\u2019m not going think about that anymore. Rather, I\u2019m going to think about how I can show Christ\u2019s love to you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You started off with this husband and wife reading their lists of \u201cI\u2019m sorry for doing this,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry for doing this,\u201d and then the other spouse forgives. I\u2019m imagining the husband, who is sitting there; and his wife is saying: \u201cHoney, will you forgive me for multiple infidelities?\u201d \u201cWill you forgive me for spending money without telling you and putting us in financial ruin as a result?\u201d \u201cWill you forgive me for being inattentive to the children and one of them being seriously injured as a result?\u201d\u2014going through a whole list\u2014and you\u2019re expecting, at the end of that list, that the husband is just going to smile and say, \u201cOf course, Sweetheart, I forgive you for that\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Well, in situations like that\u2014at some point, there may need to be additional teaching \/ at some point, we may to have to talk about those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn other words\u2014for example, the way that would play out, in my office, may be along these lines. The man might say: \u201cHoney, I\u2019m willing to forgive you, but not so fast. Do you <em>really<\/em> understand the degree to which you have sinned against God? Do you <em>really<\/em> understand the impact that your sin has against me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt that point, he might offer an expression to let her know that he\u2019s <em>willing<\/em> to forgive her; but there may need to be some further explanation on her part to convince him that she <em>really<\/em> gets it and that she\u2019s committed to doing what she needs to do in the future to correct those things. Perhaps most importantly, to do what she needs to do to earn the trust back that she lost.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA lot of people get hung up because they think that forgiveness means trust.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> No! You don\u2019t have to trust someone in order to forgive them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> \u201c\u2026even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord\u201d\u2014but she submitted to him and she hoped \/ she trusted in God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you don\u2019t have to trust someone in order to forgive them. As a Christian, if you ask my forgiveness\u2014even seven times in one day, you return to me, saying, \u201cI repent,\u201d\u2014ultimately, I\u2019m going to have to forgive you \/ I\u2019m going to hand you forgiveness on a silver platter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the trust that you lost in the process, I don\u2019t hand you on a silver platter. <em>You\u2019ve<\/em> got to be willing to earn that back. All I\u2019m required to do, over time, is to give you the trust that\u2019s commensurate with what you have earned. It would be foolish, I think, biblically, to trust someone who is not trustworthy, to deem someone faithful who has not yet proven themselves faithful. I have a whole little book on faithfulness; and I make this point: \u201cFaithfulness is something that takes time to develop.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We have to acknowledge that there are some folks\u2014who, when they say, \u201cWill you forgive me?\u201d\u2014what they are really saying is, \u201cI don\u2019t think what I did was all that bad, really; but I\u2019m just looking for a get-out-of-jail card.\u201d You want to make sure that this person understands the gravity of what they are asking forgiveness for.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What we are talking about here is back to the first prerequisite that you have, Lou, which is humility. Ultimately, humility is teachable\u2014it\u2019s willing to admit fault, and it\u2019s also willing to come and ask for forgiveness because of that fault. What Bob is describing there is a person who is only partially humble, if that\u2019s possible\u2014I don\u2019t think it is. But the point is\u2014they\u2019re not really willing to deal with their stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnything else we ought to know about this first prerequisite called humility, rather than being selfish or prideful?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> The opposite of pride is humility. The reason pride is such a show stopper when it comes to resolving conflict is because it keeps the conflict ultimately from being resolved. Not all conflicts are the result of sin\u2014most of them \/ many of them are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, at the end of the day, a conflict cannot be solved thoroughly and biblically unless the person, who is sinning, is willing to acknowledge that what he did really was a sin.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the flip side of that is humility. There is something disarming about humility. When you are communicating \/ when you\u2019re resolving a conflict with someone who is humble, you can tell\u2014he\u2019s leaving this crack in the door that basically says: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLook, I may try to persuade you to my way of thinking; and so, keep that in mind, even as I am arguing with you; but know that I realize that I am a sinner. I know that the effects of the fall on my life have impacted me so much that I may think, logically, to the wrong conclusion. I may be blinded by my sin. I just may not be able to see all that you see right now; but I know I\u2019m a sinner, and I\u2019m willing to give you a fighting chance to convince me of my sin. As soon as I see it, I\u2019m going to acknowledge it; and by God\u2019s grace, I\u2019m going to repent and I\u2019m going to commit myself to a different, more biblical course of action.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking back to a very fundamental definition of humility: \u201cHumility is right thinking about yourself in light of who God is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Amen!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s properly evaluating yourself, not compared to other people\u2014because if you have pride, you can think you\u2019re better than other people\u2014but it\u2019s properly evaluating yourself in light of who God is and how He made you. At that point, you need to deal with your stuff, ask for forgiveness, [and] wait for the other person to deal with it \/ process it. They may not be as fast as you are at handling conflict, and resolving that, and offering back forgiveness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There\u2019s another prerequisite to successful conflict resolution. In addition to both people having humility, there needs to be a spirit of gentleness present between both of them\u2014that\u2019s really the second thing that Paul talks about in Ephesians 4:2; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> Right. In fact, it\u2019s really interesting\u2014Jesus said a lot about His being the Messiah: \u201cI am the Way, the Truth, the Life,\u201d \u201c\u2026the Beginning \/ the End,\u201d \u201c\u2026the Door,\u201d \u201c\u2026the Way.\u201d As far as I know, the only two things he ever said about His character are these first two prerequisites\u2014He said, \u201cTake My yoke upon you for I am meek and lowly of heart,\u201d\u2014cognates of these very same two words. I would argue that the first two of these prerequisites are probably the most important. Yes; we must be humble and we must be gentle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019re giving us two prerequisites for resolving conflict. One is humility; the other is gentleness. I think we may all assume we know what gentleness really is\u2014define it for us though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> The Greek word, Dennis, does not have an exact English equivalent. There are two components to it. The first part has to do with humility\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s sort of like recognizing your own frailty. It\u2019s sort of like when I tell my counselees: \u201cLook, I\u2019m not the expert here. I\u2019m just one beggar showing another beggar where the bread is at,\u201d or I might say to him: \u201cI\u2019m giving you counsel today, but I\u2019m a sinner too. Six months from now, I may be on the other side of the desk; and you may be giving me advice about something,\u201d or I might say, \u201cYou know, brother, the things I\u2019m telling you today, I had to tell myself just two or three weeks ago.\u201d There\u2019s that built-in component of humility in the Greek word for gentleness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the other part\u2014probably the larger part of the word\u2014has to do with controlling your anger. It has to do with not being harsh \/ it has to do with speaking in such a way that you communicate love, and mercy, and compassion. It\u2019s not being harsh \/ it\u2019s not being over-bearing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s speaking to the other person in such a way that you\u2019re not coming across in a condescending way but rather as a fellow struggler \/ a fellow sufferer, here, in this world cursed by sin.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As you were talking here, Lou, I couldn\u2019t help but think back one book, to the Book of Galatians\u2014to Galatians, Chapter 5, which talks about the fruit of the Spirit. If people are wondering, \u201cWhere are you going to get fruit like gentleness?\u201d It is one of the fruits of the Spirit: \u201c\u2026gentleness, self-control.\u201d All of those are a part of allowing the Holy Spirit\u2014to control your temper \/ to control your tongue\u2014to help you control how you think and to, ultimately, cause you to have that humility, where you go to the other person and say: \u201cWill you forgive me for the harm I have caused you?\u201d \u201cWill you forgive me for how I have dropped the ball?\u201d \u201cWill you forgive me for coming home late again, tonight?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, being quiet and allowing the other person to offer the words: \u201cYes; I forgive you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019re saying that, if a person wants to be a gentle person, you don\u2019t just look deep inside yourself and find that inherent gentleness that is just deep down inside of you; because that\u2019s not what\u2019s deep down inside of you; is it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No; it\u2019s not. In fact, it\u2019s what Paul commands, here, as we look at all the fruit of the Spirit. I guess I just ought to read it here quickly: \u201cBut the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.\u201d Who doesn\u2019t want those things? Now, if we do have the Holy Spirit\u2014and the Scriptures promise that we do \/ at the point we receive Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit comes to live within you\u2014the promise is He will begin to produce\u2014and it\u2019s not instant fruit, by the way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not that you pop out these different fruits of the Spirit\u2014you slowly begin to mature, as a follower of Christ, and you find yourself being gentler with your spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> \u201cBut how?! How does the Holy Spirit produce those fruit? Do we just sit back and say, \u2018Okay; zap me Spirit\u2019?\u201d\u2014no! We have to collaborate with the Holy Spirit\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Lou:<\/strong> \u2014who works through the Word. It\u2019s not just a matter of praying\u2014it\u2019s a matter of reading, and studying, and internalizing God\u2019s Word\u2014because that\u2019s, ultimately, what the Spirit is going to use to change you from the inside out to reproduce in you the character of our Lord Jesus Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But you stop and think about conflict\u2014in a marriage relationship, between parent and child, in extended family relationships\u2014if two people are walking by the Spirit \/ if the fruit of the Spirit is present in their lives, that\u2019s going to be a different kind of conflict resolution than if they are being controlled by the flesh. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tUltimately, that\u2019s what you are trying to get people to in the book, <em>Resolving Conflict,<\/em> which, of course, we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf listeners need some coaching on how to do this well\u2014if conflict is more regular at your home, or if you just don\u2019t have the basic skills to know how to pursue peace with your spouse\u2014I\u2019d encourage you to get a copy of this book. I\u2019d also say\u2014if it\u2019s just one of you in the marriage, who says, \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to try to do this God\u2019s way,\u201d\u2014you just read the book and start to apply what Lou talks about here. I think you\u2019ll see a dramatic difference in how conflict happens in your home. You can order the book, <em>Resolving Conflict,<\/em> from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website is FamilyLife.com; or you can order by calling 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Again, the title of the book: <em>Resolving Conflict<\/em> by Lou Priolo\u2014<em>How to Make, Disturb, and Keep Peace<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, this is right in the heart of what <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is all about. When we started, as a ministry, our ministry got started doing pre-marital preparation\u2014for couples, who were young, and in love, and getting married and needed just some basic skills to know how to navigate their marriage. Over time, while we were teaching engaged couples\u2014well, we had married couples telling us, \u201cWe need this more than the engaged couples do.\u201d That\u2019s how the <em>Weekend To Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> began. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> came along a few years later, and then FamilyLifeToday.com came after that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThroughout the history of the ministry, we\u2019ve had this one goal in mind\u2014and that is to effectively develop godly marriages and families\u2014because godly marriages and families can change the world, one home at a time. When you support this ministry with a donation, what you\u2019re making possible is for more people to more regularly receive practical biblical help and hope to build a stronger marriage \/ to build a more healthy family to point people back to Christ being at the center of your marriage and your family. We are grateful for those of you who have supported this ministry in the past\u2014those of you who have made today\u2019s program possible, through your support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a long-time listener, and you\u2019ve never made a donation to support this ministry, today\u2019s a good day for you to go online and make a donation; or to call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014you can donate over the phone. If you\u2019re a long-time listener, think about becoming a Legacy Partner, somebody who makes a monthly contribution to help defray the ongoing expenses that come with producing and syndicating this daily program. You can also mail your donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we will continue our conversation with Lou Priolo to talk about how couples can forgive one another\u2014how you can do that with your kids too! When the peace is broken between parent and child, what do you do to resolve conflict there? We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. I hope you can tune in.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304786","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304786"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304786"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304786"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304786"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304786"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304786"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304786"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}