{"id":304682,"date":"2017-09-14T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-09-14T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/when-he-doesnt-meet-your-expectations\/"},"modified":"2017-09-14T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-09-14T15:00:00","slug":"when-he-doesnt-meet-your-expectations","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-he-doesnt-meet-your-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"When He Doesn&#8217;t Meet Your Expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Every marriage has dark seasons. Author Rhonda Stoppe remembers a time when stress led her to verbally wound her husband. By pursuing Christ first, she began to show respect to her husband.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-09-14.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:49","filesize":"25.47M","filesize_raw":"26702228","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862,2831],"tags":[4529,4634,2877,4330,5647],"podcast_series":[8234],"cwp_profile":[3399],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304682","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","category-wives","tag-expectations","tag-grace","tag-marriage","tag-respect","tag-unexpected-pregnancy","podcast_series-if-my-husband-would-change","cwp_profile-rhonda-stoppe","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304682\/when-he-doesnt-meet-your-expectations","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304682\/when-he-doesnt-meet-your-expectations","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"wWVYm5gzxF\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-he-doesnt-meet-your-expectations\/\">When He Doesn&#8217;t Meet Your Expectations<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-he-doesnt-meet-your-expectations\/embed\/#?secret=wWVYm5gzxF\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;When He Doesn&#8217;t Meet Your Expectations&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"wWVYm5gzxF\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Every marriage has dark seasons. Author Rhonda Stoppe remembers a time when stress led her to verbally wound her husband. By pursuing Christ first, she began to show respect to her husband.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-09-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> We start wondering, \u201cDoes he really love me as much as I love him?\u201d You know, we have all of those\u2014and we start looking to find our worth measured in how they <em>treat<\/em> us. The <em>truth<\/em> is that God created us to fill that ache and that longing by a relationship. The problem is\u2014it\u2019s not in a relationship with a person. God put us on this earth to have an intimate love walk with <em>Him<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, September 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey; and I'm Bob Lepine. So how can we shift our thinking in marriage from: \u201cWhat are you going to provide for me?\u201d and start thinking, \u201cHow can I love and serve you?\u201d We\u2019ll spend time talking about that today. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You would agree that every individual\u2014every husband \/ every wife\u2014is going to experience moments of disappointment \/ disillusion\u2014kind of like: \u201cThis marriage isn\u2019t what I had always dreamed it was going to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; the only way a person doesn\u2019t have that is a person who has no expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There you go! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s not healthy\u2014I mean, because the nature of relationships are\u2014we do have expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we made promises to one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, those promises are going to lead to some level of expectation; but we\u2019re also fallible, and we don\u2019t keep our promises the way we intended to. I\u2019m thinking about how, on Friday night, at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, we talk about the different expectations that couples bring into a marriage and how that can create conflict in a marriage relationship. It\u2019s just one of the things we start to explore as we get into the subject of marriage on Friday night at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got about four dozen of these events that are going to happen, starting here in a few weeks, and continuing through the fall. We\u2019ll be in cities all across America, and we would love to have <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners coming out and joining us for one of these upcoming getaways. It really is a great two-and-a-half-day escape for a couple, where you can just relax, be together, have some time to communicate\u2014some time to reconnect as a couple.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you sign up this week, you will save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. I know marriage takes 100 percent, but getting to a getaway only takes 50 percent right now. So, go online at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014all of the dates and locations of getaways are available to you online; or you can call if you have any questions: 1-800-FL-TODAY. And you can register, either over the phone or online\u2014use the promo code: \u201cSAVE50\u201d\u2014SAVE5-0\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014when you register online, or mention that code when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to register. Again, you\u2019ll be signed up for an upcoming getaway; and you\u2019ll save 50 percent, as long as we hear from you before the end of the week. We believe the getaway is one of the best investments any couple can make in a marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right, Bob. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRhonda Stoppe has written a book called <em>If My Husband Would Change, I\u2019d Be Happy (&amp; Other Myths Wives Believe). <\/em>Rhonda\u2014welcome back to broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> I\u2019m happy to be back. Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>She\u2019s been married to Steve, who\u2019s a pastor in Northern California, since 1981\u2014four grown children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe mentioned earlier that she and her husband Steve started out with a great honeymoon, but then a simple breadcrumb reality on the counters\u2014most of our listeners have more than breadcrumbs that they\u2019re dealing with.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; in fact, I was thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve met some couples where the wife has kind of had this attitude on the front of your book, \u201cIf my husband would change, I\u2019d be happy<em>.<\/em>\u201d <em>\u00a0 <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve looked at the husband and I\u2019ve thought, \u201cYes; that might be right.\u201d [Laughter] You know? I mean, let\u2019s just be honest. There are some guys, who it\u2019s hard to try to love that guy with the way he acts!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> A story\u2014I tell a lot of love stories in <em>If My Husband Would Change, I\u2019d Be Happy<\/em>\u2014and there\u2019s a story \/ we\u2019re going to call the woman, Lydia. She married someone who was <em>not <\/em>what he had presented himself to be. Through the years, his harshness and his\u2014just disappointment\u2014but she just <em>determined<\/em> that she was going to love the Lord\u2014she was going to press in to her relationship with Christ \/ she was going to <em>ask<\/em> God\u2014you know, the Bible says, \u201cYou have not because you ask not,\u201d\u2014ask God to love her spouse through her with His selfless love and help her <em>forgive<\/em> those disappointments. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think what I would <em>love<\/em> to help those, who are saying: \u201cYes! You don\u2019t understand. My husband is pretty rough!\u201d \u201cMy husband\u2014this situation is pretty difficult,\u201d is the story that this woman brought to my attention. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, she said: \u201cHere is Joseph and the coat of many colors. He was in a pretty great home life! His mom had passed away, but his dad <em>treasured<\/em> him; and God allowed him to be sold into slavery. God <em>allowed<\/em> him to go through difficult trials to <em>prepare<\/em> him for the ministry that God had for him.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd she said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve watched kids grow up in perfect Christian homes, with great marriages; and those kids walk away, or those kids don\u2019t, you know, follow Christ with their lives.\u201d Her kids have all grown up and followed the Lord. She said, \u201cIf those trials are what God needed to bring my children through to make them passionate Christ-followers, I would like go through it again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we\u2019re from the mentality that is kind like: \u201cI\u2019m not happy; I\u2019m out! You didn\u2019t measure up to my expectations. I\u2019m out of here!\u201d You know, of course, I\u2019m not talking about abuse \/ I\u2019m not talking about a situation where someone\u2019s being abused; but I\u2019m talking about: \u201cYou didn\u2019t measure up. I\u2019m out!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow many of those marriages that fall apart have we seen those kids go sideways?\u2014have we seen those kids\u2014especially, in Christian homes, mom and dad have said, \u201cJesus is the answer to all of life\u2019s problems,\u201d but now they\u2019ve parted ways\u2014[the kids say:] \u201cSo I don\u2019t even believe in Jesus.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, a trial is not all about <em>you<\/em>. Sometimes, the honing and the situation that we see done in our children as a result of walking through a difficult circumstance, with our eyes fixed on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith. <em>He<\/em> is the prize; and as we seek Him\u2014watching our kids watch their parent choose forgiveness and choose to cover with love when those disappointments happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You have described your husband, Steve\u2014you guys have been married for 35 years\u2014you\u2019ve described him as \u201cthe greatest guy ever.\u201d Here\u2019s what I\u2019m hearing when I hear that\u2014I hear the degree of difficulty for you, as a wife, in loving Steve on a 1-10 scale\u2014it is a 2. On a <em>bad<\/em> day, a 3; but it <em>never<\/em> gets worse than a 3, because he\u2019s the <em>amazing<\/em> Steve, and he\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He\u2019s a pastor! He\u2019s paid to be good! [Laughter] There are listeners, right there, going, \u201cI\u2019m married to an 8.5!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> I get what you\u2019re saying.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Have you had 8.5 moments?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> I have!\u2014and I have been the 8.5 \/ I have been the one that he\u2019s had to choose to love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFalling in love is all in your mind, and staying in love is all in your mind. As we focus on the things that are good, right, honorable, and praiseworthy about our spouse\u2014if we speak <em>highly<\/em> of the things that we adore about them, and we don\u2019t throw them under the bus, and we don\u2019t <em>dwell<\/em> on those disappointments\u2014our love will grow! Each one of us can come to a place where we celebrate those things about our spouse and, as you ask God to help you fall in love with those things that you dwelt on when you were dating, and not dwell on the things that he doesn\u2019t do to measure up to your expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay! Let\u2019s just cut to the chase. In your marriage\u2014you\u2019ve been married since \u201881; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve had to have a <em>dark<\/em> season. I\u2019m not talking about a dark day \/ a dark moment, like Bob\u2019s talking about, where it\u2019s an 8.5 moment; but I\u2019m talking about a <em>season<\/em> where things weren\u2019t working out, just because of suffering \/ what you were going through in your marriage\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014maybe it was children\u2014I don\u2019t know; but every marriage has seasons that are gray\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and sometimes dark.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> And we\u2019ve had a few of those. I\u2019ll share one. We lived in the San Francisco Bay area. Steve had always had a dream to be debt-free \/ to live in the country. We were living in these houses\u2014fixing them up \/ moving. We finally got to a place\u2014he said, \u201cI\u2019m ready to move out of this.\u201d So, we bought this ranch\u2014we went and looked at this ranch up above San Jose, in the mountains. The day that we went, it was covered\u2014the little shack was covered with snow, and it looked like a charming little cottage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI saw\u2014I was holding Steve\u2019s dream in the palm of my hand. I said, \u201cYou know, let\u2019s do it!\u201d I was born in Los Angeles \/ raised in the Bay area. I am going to move to an 80-acre ranch in the middle of nowhere. Closed escrow\u2014we go. The snow has melted\u2014we are looking at this <em>shack<\/em> that we bought. I lived on a sofa bed in the living room, and we had two kids at the time. They were on the bunk bed in the one bedroom. We had no power. It took two years to bring power to that house\u2014we lived on a generator. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Laughter] I saw that look on your face!!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now we\u2019re talking! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, we\u2019re moving beyond \u201c3\u201d! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> Okay; there\u2019s more. So, I \/ we into this house, and there\u2019s no power\u2014so were not watching TV well into the night. So, surprise pregnancy with my youngest daughter, Kayla. I did my entire pregnancy with Kayla, on the sofa bed. There were a lot of tears. My husband was working in construction, driving\u20145:00 in the morning, he was leaving\u2014driving to Pleasanton, California.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, he wasn\u2019t constructing power to your house?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> He was working his little fingers to the bone at night to add on a master bedroom for us to have a place for me to have other than the sofa bed. He would leave at 5:00 in the morning; he would come home at 7:00 at night. I would tell him: \u201cI\u2019m living your dream! Let me go to work.\u201d He is like, \u201cNo; you can\u2019t make enough money.\u201d His goal was to be debt-free\u2014so he was working on this house as he had the money and the time on the weekends and the evenings. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, after I had Kayla, I was post-partum. I had never been post-partum before, and I was a mess! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAfter that, I had four years of really bad PMS. I share that story because I think if God had not humbled me with going through those hormonal imbalances, I would have been one of the women that\u2014I speak with a lot of women and do a lot of ministry with women\u2014I would have been like, you know: \u201cWell, just take every thought captive. Jesus is the answer!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had something physically wrong with me. Those are the <em>seasons<\/em> that you can either let that divide you\u2014you can either lay that blame, you know, \u201cYou\u2019re not measuring up to my expectation.\u201d I could see it in Steve\u2019s face\u2014the times I\u2014in fact, I talk about the PMS in <em>If My Husband Would Change, I\u2019d Be Happy<\/em>. What I share\u2014I don\u2019t know if you remember; Gary Smalley had a series, years ago\u2014it was called \u201cHidden Keys to Loving Relationships.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> In the video, he talked about how people respond to word pictures. I gave Steve a word picture, trying to explain. He said: \u201cI\u2019ve known you since you were 14 years old. You\u2019re not who you are anymore.\u201d I said: \u201cI know! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cImagine if you were a werewolf. Every full moon, you were going to turn into a werewolf, whether you wanted to or not. You are going to eat whoever was near you, whether it was your young or someone you don\u2019t know. The only hope you have is for someone to lock you in a cage until the full moon passed.\u201d I said, \u201cThat\u2019s PMS!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI literally saw a light bulb go on in Steve\u2019s head. He was like, \u201cI get it!\u201d You know, I always talk to women\u2014who are not married, who maybe are dating a non-believer\u2014\u201cGirlfriend, you want someone who can love you with Christ\u2019s selfless love; because there are going to be seasons in your marriage when you\u2019re going to need that type of love.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to wonder if you thought to yourself\u2014in the middle of the PMS, and no electricity in the shack on the side of the hill, and a pregnancy: \u201cWe chased your dream; not my dream! I\u2019m doing this for you. What have you done for me lately?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do you do in those moments?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> Well, I said those words to him. Especially, I can see his face, when I was crying and the \u201cYou always\u2026\u201d and \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d tears. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI wounded him with my words as I was just dumping on him. I remember him just saying: \u201cWhat do you want me to do? How do you want me to fix this?\u201d I\u2019m like: \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut at that point, we knew our love for each other was more important than any of the craziness that was going on. You know, in Nehemiah 8:10, Nehemiah says, \u201cThe joy of the Lord is your strength.\u201d He <strong>called<\/strong> these people, who were building a wall with one hand, and doing it in a very rapid time\u2014you know, trying to get it done quickly\u2014but there were people that were coming against them. They had to have a trowel in one hand and a sword in the other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> But Nehemiah\u2019s advice to them during that battle was not, \u201cHere\u2019s your war strategy.\u201d He said: \u201cYou fight for joy! The joy of the Lord is your strength.\u201d That was mine and Steve\u2019s\u2014and still is\u2014our commitment: \u201cWe\u2019re going to fight for joy! We\u2019re going to fight for each other. We\u2019re going to fight to enjoy one another.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat\u2019s interesting is that that whole story of us living up there\u2014Steve built an <em>amazing<\/em> house\u2014it took a long time, but we have this great home that we live in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur kids got to grow up there, and our grandkids come home to see us there now. But what we didn\u2019t know about the whole thing was\u2014when we bought the property 28 years ago and God had put in my husband\u2019s heart to be debt-free and to live in the country\u2014we didn\u2019t realize there was a little town called Patterson, coming down the backside of the canyon. We didn\u2019t realize that God was setting the stage and making it so that, when they hired my husband to be a full-time pastor\u2014this tiny little church in the middle of Central Valley, California\u2014that we could afford to take that salary; because we didn\u2019t have a house payment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, I think\u2014you know, that\u2019s why you want to be friends with old ladies; because old ladies know stuff! [Laughter] I know <em>now<\/em> that God was humbling us \/ God was doing a work <em>in<\/em> us; but He was providing a way, and He was putting a dream in his heart that would provide a way for him to be in full-time ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou see, the story backs up a little bit more when we lived in the Bay area. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSteve had gone to Bible college. When he and I met, we had been praying: \u201cLord, we want to be in full-time ministry. We want You to use us however You want to use us.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, the church that he had been working at as a youth pastor\u2014as a volunteer when the other youth pastor left and they hadn\u2019t hired one yet\u2014the church asked Steve to come on as the youth pastor. He came home and told me; and I said: \u201cThere it is! That\u2019s what we\u2019ve been praying for!\u201d He said: \u201cBaby, we can\u2019t afford to take that job. We\u2019ve got so much debt. We\u2019re praying one thing, but we\u2019re living something else.\u201d So that\u2019s when we decided to sell everything. That\u2019s when I got onboard: \u201cYes; we need to get rid of all of this stuff.\u201d That\u2019s when we ended up where we were.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut 28 years later, you look back and go, \u201cOh, I can see the divine orchestration of it.\u201d But I think that\u2019s the value in having relationships with older couples, who say, \u201cWe went through hard times, too; but God showed us something about Himself that we never would have learned had we <em>not <\/em>gone through those hard times.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What I want you to speak to, in the midst of the drama and the chaos of what you were going through\u2014no power \/ sacrificing for your husband\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014speak to how you communicated respect to him, because the bottom line is\u2014Scripture gives husbands a responsibility to love their wives\u2014to nourish, to cherish, to value them, to help them grow\u2014that\u2019s the husband\u2019s assignment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re speaking, for the most part right now, to wives about how they can fulfill their responsibility of respecting their husbands. First of all, define your understanding of the word, respect, and what your husband needs. Then, practically, how did you do that during dark days, emotionally, when you were going through a four-year period of fighting PMS?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> I think rehearsing to him what I respected about him\u2014you know: \u201cYou work so hard for us. I know you\u2019re trying so hard.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a story that I tell in <em>If My Husband Would Change, I\u2019d Be Happy <\/em>about David, when he was dancing through the streets of Jerusalem because he was finally king. You know, he got anointed king; and it was 17 years of a really rough life before he, finally, would dance in the streets of Jerusalem. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhere was his wife when he was finally celebrating that God had made him king? Michal\u2014she wasn\u2019t dancing in the streets with him \/ she was up in a tower, watching him. And then the Bible says that David went and he made a sacrifice. He had a sacrifice with all the people of Jerusalem, but where was Michal? She didn\u2019t go\u2014she stayed in the house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs soon as he walked in the door, she blasted him. I mean, you can imagine David: \u201cBaby, your king is home!\u2014finally!\u201d And she doesn\u2019t\u2014I mean, wives, we know what we do. We\u2019ve got the argument in our head before they ever walk in the door. We know how\u2014we\u2019re going to tell them this, and we\u2019re going to tell them that. They don\u2019t even know what\u2019s going to hit them! He walks in the door; and she says: \u201cHow glorious was the king today! You danced in your underwear in front of all the women,\u201d\u2014basically. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd, then, I love David\u2019s response; because he says, \u201cI danced for the Lord.\u201d I think that\u2019s kind of a picture of what a lot of us do\u2014is just celebrating their accomplishments and understanding they\u2019re out there, slaying giants for us, keeping their eyes only for us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think there\u2019s some respect just by laughing when your husband is trying to make you laugh\u2014you know, just enjoying him for the person that he is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo what does respect mean? I think honor\u2014honor him for who he is. You know what? They\u2019re trying so hard, ladies. Our men are trying so hard! They may not measure up to our expectations \/ they\u2019ve got their own expectations that they may not even be measuring up to.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI love\u2014I know you have interviewed\u2014Shaunti Feldhan. She wrote an endorsement for <em>If My Husband Would Change, I\u2019d Be Happy. <\/em>One of the things it says\u2014I\u2019m butchering the quote at the end of her book\u2014it talks about a man says: \u201cI\u2019ve known above-average men who have accomplished average lives; and I\u2019ve known average men who have accomplished above-average lives because their wives are telling them they can.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe <em>bless<\/em> them when we\u2019re just like: \u201cI believe in you! Whatever you want to do! Do you want to move me to a shack in the middle of nowhere? I just want to be with you. I\u2019ll just be with you wherever. I\u2019m going to cry some tears, but I\u2019m just still here. You\u2019re not getting rid of me that easily.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> When you would sense yourself going toward the negative\u2014practically, what do you do? Because there are wives, who are listening right now, and, you know, they hear you say, \u201cYour husband\u2019s out there trying so hard,\u201d and they are going: \u201cNo; he\u2019s not! He\u2019s in a recliner watching ESPN! I wish he\u2019d get out and try that hard!\u201d It\u2019s <em>easy<\/em> to go to the negative.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How do you keep from going there\u2014staying there \/ dwelling there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rhonda:<\/strong> The <em>key<\/em> has to come back to pursuing your relationship with Christ. It <em>has<\/em> to come back to: \u201cIs my mind being transformed by truth?\u201d There\u2019s a <em>war<\/em> going on in our minds for our marriages. If we start thinking\u2014if we\u2019re in this place of\u2014we\u2019re longing to feel valued, and to feel treasured, and to be known, and to be cherished for who we are\u2014when we marry someone\u2014it\u2019s because we believe that they\u2019re going to cherish us like that. We believe they\u2019re going to know us intimately, and they\u2019re going to love us like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, after we get married, we start wondering, \u201cDoes he really love me as much as I love him?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we have all of those\u2014and we start looking to find our <em>worth<\/em> measured in how they <em>treat<\/em> us. The <em>truth<\/em> is that God created us to find our worth in who loves us\u2014He created us to fill that ache and that longing by a relationship. The problem is\u2014it\u2019s not in a relationship with a person. God put us on this earth to have an intimate love walk with Him, the lover of our soul. As soon as my intimacy with my creator is not what it is to be\u2014which begins with a relationship with Jesus Christ; and then, for the rest of my life, fighting to fall in love with my Lord\u2014when I\u2019m doing that, then my love for my husband will spill out of me in a supernatural way, that is the Holy Spirit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, it is not me filled with my self-love; because, in a situation when I\u2019m focused on myself, it\u2019s really my self-love; but when I\u2019m looking to someone else, that\u2019s idolatry: \u201cYou\u2019re not measuring up.\u201d They can\u2019t! So when I look to God and say: \u201cGod, I know this man will never measure up to my expectations,\u201d\u2014and God knows I\u2019m not measuring up to his!!\u00a0 We want Him to cover with mercy, but we\u2019re not willing to cover with mercy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, for my own life\u2014for the lives of the women that I\u2019ve mentored \/ for the love stories in this book\u2014you <em>have<\/em> to press in to your intimacy with the Lord. You <em>have<\/em> to say, \u201cMy heart has to fall more in love with God!\u201d\u2014not just to be a \u201cgood\u201d Christian, who does good Christian things or goes to church\u2014but: \u201cGod, You know I don\u2019t love You like that,\u201d and \u201cGod, I don\u2019t even know how to love You selflessly, but I want to,\u201d and \u201cGod, would You just give me the want to?\u201d It\u2019s God who works in you to will and to do His good pleasure. So, if we even care, it\u2019s because it\u2019s His Holy Spirit causing us to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s the <em>secret<\/em> to a life well-lived\u2014to a no-regrets marriage \/ to a no-regrets life\u2014is truly, to look at Christ and what He\u2019s done for us to show me my worth \/ to show me my value so that I can just be the companion, the lover, the encourager, the cheerleader of this man that I have covenanted with for the rest of my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I look back on our marriage, and just listening to you talk about your circumstances, and thinking about some that Barbara and I have experienced. I ask myself the question: \u201cHow in the world did we make it through those periods of time?!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, just on behalf of my wife, what I see in her is\u2014I saw a woman who was anchored in the Scriptures. She would begin her day reading in the Scriptures. She would begin her day abiding in Christ, which means to draw your life from Him. You\u2019ve got to be in the Book if you\u2019re going to do that. From that, I just saw a woman who was centered, spiritually, who knew who she was. She had the ability to get outside of herself and to express belief in me, which communicated respect to me, as a man, in the midst of circumstances, some of which I could change \/ many of them I couldn\u2019t.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s where I think a wife needs to understand her power\u2014that she is incredibly powerful if she doesn\u2019t quit in her relationship with God \/ doesn\u2019t quit in her relationship with her husband and expresses, even in moments of dark doubt, the belief that says to him: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYou know what? You are my husband. I do respect you. God\u2019s not done with you. Something\u2019s going on here. I\u2019ll stay the course with you. You are the man.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There are instructions in Scripture about affirming one another, esteeming one another, giving honor or preference to one another. When husbands and wives carry out these instructions\u2014in the power of the Holy Spirit \/ when grace is flowing through their relationship\u2014that\u2019s how relationships thrive; right? And we can do that when we are surrendered to Christ and walking in the power of the Spirit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRhonda, you talk about that in your book. The book is called <em>If My Husband Would Change, I\u2019d Be Happy (&amp; Other Myths Wives Believe). <\/em>We\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. You can order from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me also mention that there\u2019s information, online, about our upcoming season of <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. If you want to find some practical biblical help and hope for your marriage, you\u2019ll find it when you take two-and-a-half days and get away with your spouse in a nice location for one of these upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. I\u2019m going to the one in Parsippany, New Jersey, this fall\u2014the first weekend in November\u2014but we\u2019ve got getaways happening in cities all around the country this fall. We\u2019d love to see you out at one of our getaways.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you register before the end of the weekend, you can save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. All you have to do is type the words: \u201cSAVE50\u201d\u2014SAVE5-0\u2014in the promo code box on the registration form; or mention the special offer when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to register. Again, more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call if you have any questions: 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about something that can become an obstacle in a lot of marriages; and that\u2019s the issue of sexual intimacy. When one partner \/ one spouse has more interest than the other, that can be a challenge. We\u2019ll talk more about that with our guest, Rhonda Stoppe, on tomorrow\u2019s program. I hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; A Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. 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