{"id":304592,"date":"2017-07-14T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-07-14T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/practical-advice-for-stepdads\/"},"modified":"2017-07-14T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-07-14T15:00:00","slug":"practical-advice-for-stepdads","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/practical-advice-for-stepdads\/","title":{"rendered":"Practical Advice for Stepdads"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal answers some of your most perplexing questions about being a stepfather.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-14.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:56","filesize":"23.75M","filesize_raw":"24899579","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,2837,2894],"tags":[2585,2732,5744,6276,4833,4188,5179,5208],"podcast_series":[7806],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304592","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-fathers","category-stepfamily-living","tag-blended-family","tag-remarriage","tag-remarriage-after-divorce","tag-step-parent-advice","tag-step-parents","tag-stepfamily","tag-stepfather","tag-stepparenting","podcast_series-the-smart-stepdad","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304592\/practical-advice-for-stepdads","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304592\/practical-advice-for-stepdads","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"md8TWumhc5\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/practical-advice-for-stepdads\/\">Practical Advice for Stepdads<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/practical-advice-for-stepdads\/embed\/#?secret=md8TWumhc5\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Practical Advice for Stepdads&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"md8TWumhc5\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-14.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-14.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When a husband and wife come together to form a blended family, there are some extended family members that they have to take into consideration. Here is Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>If you\u2019re the stepdad; and your wife has an ex-husband, then he is your ex-husband-in-law, which means he is a part of your life \/ he is a part of your family. He is an extended family member, whether you like it or not. If he is an open, loving, good-hearted man, then you\u2019re going to reap the blessings of that; but it will also go to the other extreme. When that ex-husband-in-law is an addict, or unreasonable, or whatever that case may be, you\u2019re going to, unfortunately, pay the price for that as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, July 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey. I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Blending a family \/ becoming an effective stepfather\u2014it\u2019s challenging. There are obstacles you\u2019ll face, but it\u2019s also possible. We\u2019ll talk about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. Do you have GPS built into your car, or do you use your iPhone<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>?\u00a0 What do you do?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, my GPS system broke. It was about\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014ten years old.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It broke?\u00a0 What did it do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The lady lost her voice. She became falsetto \/ ultra-falsetto\u2014[Laughter]\u2014[high falsetto voice] \u201cTurn left.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ve never had GPS. I\u2019ve had the\u2014you can do some stuff with Google Maps on your iPhone\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. It\u2019s really bad when you have a falsetto GPS woman, who has a British accent\u2014it just doesn\u2019t work for me. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But it is nice if you\u2019re in a town that you\u2019ve never been in and you need to go somewhere you\u2019ve never been\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, Seattle. Let me tell you\u2014I\u2019ve been lost in Seattle. The GPS system\u2014I\u2019m convinced I could have gotten there in ten minutes, but it took me through so many turns. I was lost so many times. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, it\u2019s nice for somebody to give you directions rather than you just trying to take a stab in the dark.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Not in this case! [Laughter]\u00a0 We do have someone here with us who is <em>the<\/em> authority\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014the human GPS!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014the human GPS for stepfamilies. Ron Deal joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Have you ever been introduced like that, Ron?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Never. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here with us. Ron has just finished a book called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>, and it really does contain the great advice for really guiding a stepdad and a wife through some detours. I just want to start by asking, \u201cWhat are some best practices here for stepdads and wives as they experience a blended family?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; if the place you want to get is: \u201cHappy family\u2014we\u2019re all getting along okay. It\u2019s functioning\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Happy family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This sounds like a fortune cookie. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The place you want to get\u2014functional family, or no war going on, or something\u2014[Laughter] \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014just the kind of family, where: \u201cYou know what? We\u2019re getting along, and life is good,\u201d\u2014if that\u2019s where you want to get, is there a map to get you there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It is a great question. Actually, for this book, I assembled a group of stepdads who served as a sounding board to me. Some of the best practices that we all agreed upon are some things like this: \u201cLet the children set the pace for their relationship with you.\u201d As a man, that can be difficult\u2014especially if you\u2019re a go-getter \/ kind of CEO type of person. You see the prize\u2014you go after it, and you go and you get it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen it comes to building a relationship with stepchildren, the pace at which that relationship is going to be developed is going to be determined by the kids, not by you. You can do the right things. You can say the right things. You can make yourself available in terms of time, and energy, and investing in things their interested in; but if they don\u2019t want you around, it\u2019s really hard to break in. So, really, the best practice is let the children set the pace\u2014listen to what they\u2019re saying \/ try to work and come along beside them where they are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlong with that is the best practice of just knowing the limits of your role. In other words, you may want to be the hero; but if they don\u2019t let you be the hero, you can\u2019t be the hero. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It is okay that you just say: \u201cI\u2019m going to take what they give me \/ what they open themselves up to, and I\u2019m going to work with that. We\u2019re going to keep growing and developing this relationship.\u201d\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t have to happen in a day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Talk about the relationship between stepdads and daughters because that can get a little awkward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; some of the men were really honest in my focus group. I\u2019ve heard so many men in counseling situations talk all the way around this. You hear everything from\u2014\u201cWow! That\u2019s never an issue for me. I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about,\u201d\u2014to guys, who say: \u201cShe was four when I came into her life. Everything was great. She hopped up in my lap all the time. Then, when she started developing\u2014hit puberty and became a young woman\u2014all of a sudden, I was uncomfortable. I didn\u2019t really know\u2014I didn\u2019t ever want her to think that I was looking at her body or had any thoughts\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause there is all that stuff going on out there\u2014it happens. When it happens, we hear about it on the news; because it is quite controversial. You hear about abusive stepdads all the time. They make movies about this sort of stuff. So, there\u2019s this kind of awareness that: \u201cBoy, I don\u2019t ever want her to feel uncomfortable around me.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s just being honest. I appreciate a guy who acknowledges that. At the same time, I think the temptation for some men, when those girls hit adolescence, is to back off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; withdraw.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You don\u2019t want to go too far; because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014then, she might perceive that as rejection and withholding. You don\u2019t want that either. So, it is a delicate balance. One of the things I say to guys is: \u201cHey; don\u2019t try to figure this balance out on your own\u2014talk to your wife.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, Ron, I can\u2019t do that! She\u2019s not going to understand.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, I\u2019m talking to the women out there\u2014I\u2019m saying: \u201cLook; he needs to be able to talk to you about this, and you not blow a gasket. He needs you to partner with him on this and finding appropriate ways of touching, and hugging, and expressing affection for her\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and you not say, \u2018Oh, that means you\u2019re a pervert.\u2019\u00a0 It does not mean that. He is being responsible. That is why he is bringing this to you. So, partner with him on it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She can be his ally in the relationship with those kids. We\u2019ve already talked a little bit about that this week, but she plays a critical role in helping him be set up to be the stepdad that God wants him to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>She elevates\u2014mom has to elevate the status of the stepdad in the children\u2019s eyes, initially. Over time, he is going to grow his own relationship with them and stand on his own two feet; but in the beginning, he is really dependent upon her to let the kids know, \u201cHey, he\u2019s in charge too.\u201d\u00a0 She has to pass power\u2014we say\u2014to him, as the stepdad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s another side to this; okay?\u00a0 That\u2019s: \u201cDon\u2019t be quick, mom\u2014don\u2019t be quick to blame him for things that seem to go wrong.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, he may be trying to, as we just said, go with the kids\u2019 pace in terms of how open they are to him\u2014how much time they want to spend with him \/ how much affection they want to share with him. He may be trying to gauge that and move along with them; but it may not be fast enough for mom.\u00a0 She may be critical of him. Well, that\u2019s a double bind; right?\u00a0 I mean, he\u2019s trying to work with the kid; but mom\u2019s going: \u201cGosh! Why aren\u2019t you in there?\u00a0 Why aren\u2019t you spending more time?\u00a0 Why aren\u2019t you doing this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, mom; you have a high need for your husband and your kids\u2014I really understand this\u2014you have a high need for them to get along and <em>love<\/em> each other deeply. That\u2019s <em>your<\/em> need. Don\u2019t let that need cause you to be over-critical of him. That will discourage your husband. That will lead him to a place where he feels he can\u2019t win for losing. Then, he\u2019s really going to withdraw from you and the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019ve got a friend\u2014his name is Tommy. He tells the story of how he fell in love with a woman who\u2019d been divorced. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs he pursued her, it became clear he was going to marry her. He connected with the ex-husband; and that relationship didn\u2019t go well, at all. Tommy hung in there, loving this guy \/ pursuing this guy at the same time he\u2019d married his former wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, the end of the story is\u2014Tommy says, \u201cNow, on Christmas morning, all the stockings are hung. Our three children\u2019s stockings are hung there\u2014my wife, mine, and there\u2019s the ex-husband\u2019s stocking.\u201d\u00a0 He celebrates Christmas. Now, that has to be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014an incredible story, right there, of the love of Christ overcoming enormous obstacles. That, generally, is not the way this whole thing works out. It seems to me the whole blended family situation is set up to be a catastrophe in terms of the ex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I never saw the movie, but there was a movie that came out years ago called\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Stepmom<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014that was all about that; wasn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; exactly; it is very common. In fact, in the book, <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>, we talk about how\u2014if you\u2019re the stepdad, and your wife has an ex-husband, then he is your ex-husband-in-law, which means he is a part of your life \/ he is a part of your family. He is an extended family member, whether you like it or not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you, forever, are going to live in this shadow of who that man is. That goes from one extreme or the other. If he is an open, loving, Christian, good-hearted man, then, you\u2019re going to reap the blessing of that; because he is going to be telling your stepchildren, \u201cHey, you need to listen to your stepdad; because he is in charge when you are over at his house.\u201d But it will also go to the other extreme of\u2014when that ex-husband-in-law is an addict, or unreasonable, or mentally ill, or whatever that case may be, you\u2019re going to, unfortunately, pay the price for that as well. So, that is a hard, hard reality sometimes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, for some men, it\u2019s harder than others\u2014especially a dad who, maybe, has raised his children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe, he\u2019s a little later in life; and he knows what it is to be in charge of his home\u2014and be able to set rules and have structures and they be followed. But then, he finds himself in a situation with an ex-husband-in-law, whose erratic behavior is causing chaos rippling into his life\u2014that\u2019s really, really <em>tough<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It seems to me to be a setup for one guy to want to be the hero\u2014the stepfather stepping in\u2014kind of: \u201cI\u2019m here to win the day.\u201d\u00a0 You could kind of end up putting the other guy down\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014pointing out his flaws, and weaknesses \/ bad habits while trying to make yourself look good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>One pitfall is turning to his wife and saying: \u201cListen, I don\u2019t know why you let him get away with that,\u201d \u201cNo; don\u2019t let him talk to you that way. That\u2019s your ex-husband,\u201d \u201cNo; don\u2019t let him change the custody or visitation plans this weekend. You can\u2019t allow that. You\u2019ve got to stand up to him.\u201d Well, she\u2019s been dealing with her ex-husband for years. I\u2019m not saying she\u2019s dealing with it in a correct way. What I am saying is: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIf you become overly critical of your wife and how she is dealing with her ex-husband, and not working with her and trying to come beside her and understand what that relationship is all about, then, all of a sudden, she is going to turn on you as the stepdad. She\u2019s going to say, \u201cWhat are you saying?\u2019\u00a0 Now, you are going to be pushed and marginalized to the side.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a lot of pitfalls in this. That is why I always caution couples: \u201cNo matter who we\u2019re dealing with here\u2014if it is a child, if it\u2019s a former mother-in-law, if it\u2019s the ex-husband-in-law\u2014you, as a couple, really work very hard to guard and protect your marriage and not let that external stress become internal stress.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Guys are naturally competitive in the first place. It would seem like the dynamic between husband one and husband two is just going to have this natural kind of \u201cWho\u2019s the better guy? \/ Who is the better husband?\u201d built into it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>There\u2019s actually a phenomenon where ex-husbands\u2014fathers who have maybe dropped out of their kids\u2019 lives, maybe, after the divorce\u2014about 15 percent of dads just disappear after a divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe call them the vanishing fathers. Well, many of them are reactivated when their ex-wife remarries. So, now, all of a sudden, the stepdad is in the picture; and he becomes what we call a remarried-activated dad. Now, bio-dad is involved with the kids. Now, he wants to see them on visitation weekends. He hadn\u2019t seen them in a couple of years; and, now, he is insisting on it. Now, he\u2019s saying things about \u201c\u2026going back to court if you don\u2019t follow through with the custody agreement that we had,\u201d that he hasn\u2019t followed himself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll kinds of weird things begin to happen; because there\u2019s a stepdad in the picture, and this bio-dad is threatened. He feels like: \u201cWait a minute!\u00a0 He\u2019s coming in, and he\u2019s going to have more time with my kids than I\u2019m going to have with my kids.\u201d\u00a0 For whatever reason, that competition\u2014it\u2019s on. And boy, that stepdad may be hit with that out of the blue\u2014especially, if this guy has been uninvolved in his kids\u2019 lives the whole time he was dating this woman\u2014he wasn\u2019t even a factor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Now, all of a sudden, he <em>is<\/em> a factor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s one of those complexities. That\u2019s why we wrote this book\u2014is to try to give some guidance, not only to the stepdad, but to the mom as well; because it is as much for the mom as it is for the stepdad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I could see a situation where a child\u2014a stepson or stepdaughter\u2014just in their hurt or being wounded by the absence of their biological father would just be sad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The conversation occurs between them and the stepfather. The natural tendency of a stepfather, at that point, again, would be to make himself look good\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and kind of make the other guy look bad. Yet, what I hear you saying\u2014in those moments, it would be wise to not put the other guy down\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014but to say: \u201cYou know, I got to believe he loves you. There may be things going on his life, perhaps, that prevent him, right now, from being able to come see you,\u201d because he may show up again someday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; at that point, the stepdad is a grief counselor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe is ministering to this child\u2019s heart\u2014who is sad over their father not really being engaged actively in their lives. So, yes; he is doing a couple things. He is ministering to the child\u2019s heart. He is acknowledging their sadness and grief. He\u2019s refraining from putting down the biological dad\u2014because a kid will turn on him in a hurry, because this child is going to have a deep loyalty to their father.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing I would want that stepfather to do in that scenario is to leave the door open. I mean, I am not saying you can\u2019t ever set boundaries with a really dysfunctional biological dad\u2014sometimes, you do\u2014but if that bio-dad would come and bring his heart back towards his children and want to reconnect, a stepdad should not be in the way of that. You don\u2019t have to be afraid that he\u2019s going to come in, and they\u2019re going to push you out. Sometimes, there are complexities that go along with that; but whenever a child can be restored to their parent, it is in the child\u2019s best interest for that to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ron, I\u2019ve just got to talk about the elephant that is, I think, in the room for some of our listeners. They\u2019ve heard us talking this week about stepfamilies and making the most of a stepfamily situation. They\u2019re thinking, \u201cGee, it almost sounds like you\u2019re saying that if a first marriage doesn\u2019t work out, maybe, the second one will work out better.\u201d\u00a0 We can almost sound like we\u2019re undervaluing the marriage covenant in all of this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve told couples, for years, at our <em>Weekends to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014or wherever we\u2019re ministering\u2014the marriage that God wants you to honor \/ the covenant He wants you to honor\u2014is the one that you\u2019re in right now. Whatever got you there\u2014we\u2019re not here to try to dissect that and figure out, \u201cWell, what about this?\u201d \/ \u201cWhat about that?\u201d\u00a0 If you\u2019re in a marriage relationship right now, that is the covenant God wants you to honor, and live out, and live it as godly as you can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know there are some folks who hear this whole comment about stepparenting and they think: \u201cWhy are you even giving advice?\u00a0 They shouldn\u2019t even go near stepparenting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThey should go back to their first spouse and get that all right.\u201d\u00a0 What do you say to those folks?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I think there are really two questions at the heart of this. One is: \u201cIf you\u2019re not yet married, I think you do need to take a good, hard look at your situation. What about reconciliation of the first marriage?\u00a0 What about that?\u00a0 What are my obligations to the Lord?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIf you are, however, already married, the \u2018Woulda, coulda, should haves\u201d have kind of gone by the wayside. There is a new covenant and a promise that needs to be kept; and I would want that couple to keep that promise and do as best of a job as they can to honor that before God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we do have some illustrations in Scripture where we see blended situations with God\u2019s blessing on them. I don\u2019t know that you\u2019d call David\u2019s relationship with Mephibosheth a blended family, because we don\u2019t know anything about what David\u2019s relationship with Jonathan\u2019s wife would have been; but here\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s almost a stepparenting relationship, where he says, \u201cThe blessings of my house are going to be yours.\u201d Are there other illustrations that come to mind for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Nearly all of the Old Testament families are blended families of one shape or another, not necessarily because of divorce and remarriage, because of multiple marriages. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Polygamy; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Nevertheless, they have dynamics that mirror modern-day stepfamilies. Then, there is this situation of Jesus\u2014I think it is an interesting question\u2014to say, \u201cDid Jesus have a stepfather?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m always quick to point out to people\u2014I think it is pretty significant that there was a moment, when Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant, that he almost walked. I mean, think about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the book, we talk about how attachments are different for biological dads than they are for stepdads. You just don\u2019t feel the same heart connect. Well, right there, in Scripture, we see Joseph walking away from this situation; but the Spirit of God says, \u201cNo; come back.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThere is something bigger going on here.\u201d\u00a0 He does, and he submits to that process. I think it is really significant that he, then, chooses to father Jesus, which I find very profound\u2014that the God of the universe, who chooses to leave heaven and come here to love and serve us the way we needed to be loved and served, is immediately chosen to be loved and served by a stepdad\u2014if we can call him that. Joseph does a <em>great<\/em> job. I mean, we don\u2019t know much about Joseph\u2014and how he parented and who he was\u2014but he seemed to be pretty significant to the story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to encourage stepdads \/ I want to encourage moms who are out there who are married to a man who is a stepdad to their children\u2014you can have an incredible role in the life of a child. You can, in effect, be the redemptive work of God in the life of that child\u2014bringing, perhaps, out of sadness and loss, something that is stable and secure and loving\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014being, if you will, the stand-in person, who points them to God. That\u2019s an amazing process. When a man chooses that, he is to be honored for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I worked with a man for a number of years whose father deserted him when he was a boy. A stepfather ended up stepping into his life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and his heart has totally been given to his stepdad. I mean, he said: \u201cHe\u2019s my dad. He raised me. He was there during those adolescent years when my biological father was not.\u201d\u00a0 You know, I am sure it wasn\u2019t a perfect situation; but what we\u2019ve been talking about here all this week is how God, in His supernatural power, takes broken people\u2014and He takes His Word\u2014and He calls us to obedience; He calls us to love; He calls us to forgive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, I just appreciate you and your ministry to stepfamilies because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014Bob, as you know, at our conferences\u2014our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014all across the country, this is a growing segment of those who attend the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Oftentimes, they wonder if we have special material for couples who have been remarried. Actually, we have projects that we\u2019ve designed for remarried couples; but the core material stays the same, whether it is a first marriage, or a second marriage, or a third marriage\u2014because the foundation of a marriage relationship \/ the principles are the same wherever you are in your covenant relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think all marriages need to go to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway; but stepfamilies, absolutely, because you\u2019re juggling some serious issues there as you raise children and hammer out your own marriage. Quite honestly, you need voices, like Ron Deal, coming alongside you\u2014coaching, and encouraging, and, as we mentioned earlier on our broadcast, being a GPS system to kind of who you the way and how you can arrive at the destination. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, I just appreciate you. I hope you\u2019ll come back and join us again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and I hope a lot of our listeners will either get for themselves or get for a stepdad they know or a stepdad-to-be\u2014get them a copy of your book, <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>. I think this is the kind of book that gives practical, helpful insight and information\u2014coaching\u2014to a dad who wants to be a good stepdad. He just needs the benefit of the wisdom that you offer in the book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, we\u2019ve got copies of <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to request your copy; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and we\u2019ll send one to you. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you are interested in helping strengthen stepfamilies in your community \/ in your local church\u2014stepmoms and stepdads\u2014if you\u2019d like to know how you can do that more effectively, I want to encourage you to join Ron Deal, and me, and others. We\u2019re going to be in Nashville on October 26<sup>th<\/sup> and 27<sup>th<\/sup> for the 2017 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. We had about 400 people join us last year out in Colorado Springs\u2014had a great event. And we\u2019re expecting hundreds more to be with us this fall in Nashville. You can find out more, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. There is currently early-bird pricing available. So, get in touch with us now and plan to be with us at the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry in Nashville in October. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, a quick word of thanks to those of you who are the people who make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> happen. In fact, those of you who support this ministry\u2014either as monthly Legacy Partners or those of you who support us with an occasional donation\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you are making it possible, each week, for us to reach more and more people as we\u2019re able to expand the outreach of FamilyLife through new channels\u2014online at FamilyLifeToday.com, on our FamilyLife app, through our podcasts, and of course, on our network of local Christian radio stations. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is heard by more people, more regularly, than ever before. And it\u2019s all thanks to you. So, we appreciate those of you who are regular contributors to this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a longtime listener and you\u2019ve never donated, how about making today the day you become part of the team?\u00a0 It\u2019s easy to donate. You can do it, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY; or you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, tune in on Monday. We\u2019re going to explore what exactly it is that God calls wives to do in a marriage relationship\u2014what\u2019s the unique responsibility that a wife has?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to hear from many of the people who have been guests on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> over the last quarter century\u2014some of the best wisdom we\u2019ve heard in those two-and-a-half decades. Hope you can tune in for that on Monday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine, hoping you have a great weekend. Join us back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:25:56"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.75M"],"filesize_raw":["24899579"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304592.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304592.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Deal answers some of your most perplexing questions about being a stepfather.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When a husband and wife come together to form a blended family, there are some extended family members that they have to take into consideration. Here is Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>If you\u2019re the stepdad; and your wife has an ex-husband, then he is your ex-husband-in-law, which means he is a part of your life \/ he is a part of your family. He is an extended family member, whether you like it or not. If he is an open, loving, good-hearted man, then you\u2019re going to reap the blessings of that; but it will also go to the other extreme. When that ex-husband-in-law is an addict, or unreasonable, or whatever that case may be, you\u2019re going to, unfortunately, pay the price for that as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, July 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey. I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Blending a family \/ becoming an effective stepfather\u2014it\u2019s challenging. There are obstacles you\u2019ll face, but it\u2019s also possible. We\u2019ll talk about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. Do you have GPS built into your car, or do you use your iPhone<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>?\u00a0 What do you do?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, my GPS system broke. It was about\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014ten years old.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It broke?\u00a0 What did it do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The lady lost her voice. She became falsetto \/ ultra-falsetto\u2014[Laughter]\u2014[high falsetto voice] \u201cTurn left.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ve never had GPS. I\u2019ve had the\u2014you can do some stuff with Google Maps on your iPhone\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. It\u2019s really bad when you have a falsetto GPS woman, who has a British accent\u2014it just doesn\u2019t work for me. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But it is nice if you\u2019re in a town that you\u2019ve never been in and you need to go somewhere you\u2019ve never been\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, Seattle. Let me tell you\u2014I\u2019ve been lost in Seattle. The GPS system\u2014I\u2019m convinced I could have gotten there in ten minutes, but it took me through so many turns. I was lost so many times. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, it\u2019s nice for somebody to give you directions rather than you just trying to take a stab in the dark.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Not in this case! [Laughter]\u00a0 We do have someone here with us who is <em>the<\/em> authority\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014the human GPS!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014the human GPS for stepfamilies. Ron Deal joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Have you ever been introduced like that, Ron?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Never. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here with us. Ron has just finished a book called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>, and it really does contain the great advice for really guiding a stepdad and a wife through some detours. I just want to start by asking, \u201cWhat are some best practices here for stepdads and wives as they experience a blended family?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; if the place you want to get is: \u201cHappy family\u2014we\u2019re all getting along okay. It\u2019s functioning\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Happy family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This sounds like a fortune cookie. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The place you want to get\u2014functional family, or no war going on, or something\u2014[Laughter] \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014just the kind of family, where: \u201cYou know what? We\u2019re getting along, and life is good,\u201d\u2014if that\u2019s where you want to get, is there a map to get you there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It is a great question. Actually, for this book, I assembled a group of stepdads who served as a sounding board to me. Some of the best practices that we all agreed upon are some things like this: \u201cLet the children set the pace for their relationship with you.\u201d As a man, that can be difficult\u2014especially if you\u2019re a go-getter \/ kind of CEO type of person. You see the prize\u2014you go after it, and you go and you get it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen it comes to building a relationship with stepchildren, the pace at which that relationship is going to be developed is going to be determined by the kids, not by you. You can do the right things. You can say the right things. You can make yourself available in terms of time, and energy, and investing in things their interested in; but if they don\u2019t want you around, it\u2019s really hard to break in. So, really, the best practice is let the children set the pace\u2014listen to what they\u2019re saying \/ try to work and come along beside them where they are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlong with that is the best practice of just knowing the limits of your role. In other words, you may want to be the hero; but if they don\u2019t let you be the hero, you can\u2019t be the hero. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It is okay that you just say: \u201cI\u2019m going to take what they give me \/ what they open themselves up to, and I\u2019m going to work with that. We\u2019re going to keep growing and developing this relationship.\u201d\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t have to happen in a day.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Talk about the relationship between stepdads and daughters because that can get a little awkward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; some of the men were really honest in my focus group. I\u2019ve heard so many men in counseling situations talk all the way around this. You hear everything from\u2014\u201cWow! That\u2019s never an issue for me. I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about,\u201d\u2014to guys, who say: \u201cShe was four when I came into her life. Everything was great. She hopped up in my lap all the time. Then, when she started developing\u2014hit puberty and became a young woman\u2014all of a sudden, I was uncomfortable. I didn\u2019t really know\u2014I didn\u2019t ever want her to think that I was looking at her body or had any thoughts\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause there is all that stuff going on out there\u2014it happens. When it happens, we hear about it on the news; because it is quite controversial. You hear about abusive stepdads all the time. They make movies about this sort of stuff. So, there\u2019s this kind of awareness that: \u201cBoy, I don\u2019t ever want her to feel uncomfortable around me.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s just being honest. I appreciate a guy who acknowledges that. At the same time, I think the temptation for some men, when those girls hit adolescence, is to back off.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; withdraw.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You don\u2019t want to go too far; because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014then, she might perceive that as rejection and withholding. You don\u2019t want that either. So, it is a delicate balance. One of the things I say to guys is: \u201cHey; don\u2019t try to figure this balance out on your own\u2014talk to your wife.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, Ron, I can\u2019t do that! She\u2019s not going to understand.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, I\u2019m talking to the women out there\u2014I\u2019m saying: \u201cLook; he needs to be able to talk to you about this, and you not blow a gasket. He needs you to partner with him on this and finding appropriate ways of touching, and hugging, and expressing affection for her\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and you not say, \u2018Oh, that means you\u2019re a pervert.\u2019\u00a0 It does not mean that. He is being responsible. That is why he is bringing this to you. So, partner with him on it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>She can be his ally in the relationship with those kids. We\u2019ve already talked a little bit about that this week, but she plays a critical role in helping him be set up to be the stepdad that God wants him to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>She elevates\u2014mom has to elevate the status of the stepdad in the children\u2019s eyes, initially. Over time, he is going to grow his own relationship with them and stand on his own two feet; but in the beginning, he is really dependent upon her to let the kids know, \u201cHey, he\u2019s in charge too.\u201d\u00a0 She has to pass power\u2014we say\u2014to him, as the stepdad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s another side to this; okay?\u00a0 That\u2019s: \u201cDon\u2019t be quick, mom\u2014don\u2019t be quick to blame him for things that seem to go wrong.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, he may be trying to, as we just said, go with the kids\u2019 pace in terms of how open they are to him\u2014how much time they want to spend with him \/ how much affection they want to share with him. He may be trying to gauge that and move along with them; but it may not be fast enough for mom.\u00a0 She may be critical of him. Well, that\u2019s a double bind; right?\u00a0 I mean, he\u2019s trying to work with the kid; but mom\u2019s going: \u201cGosh! Why aren\u2019t you in there?\u00a0 Why aren\u2019t you spending more time?\u00a0 Why aren\u2019t you doing this?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, mom; you have a high need for your husband and your kids\u2014I really understand this\u2014you have a high need for them to get along and <em>love<\/em> each other deeply. That\u2019s <em>your<\/em> need. Don\u2019t let that need cause you to be over-critical of him. That will discourage your husband. That will lead him to a place where he feels he can\u2019t win for losing. Then, he\u2019s really going to withdraw from you and the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019ve got a friend\u2014his name is Tommy. He tells the story of how he fell in love with a woman who\u2019d been divorced. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs he pursued her, it became clear he was going to marry her. He connected with the ex-husband; and that relationship didn\u2019t go well, at all. Tommy hung in there, loving this guy \/ pursuing this guy at the same time he\u2019d married his former wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, the end of the story is\u2014Tommy says, \u201cNow, on Christmas morning, all the stockings are hung. Our three children\u2019s stockings are hung there\u2014my wife, mine, and there\u2019s the ex-husband\u2019s stocking.\u201d\u00a0 He celebrates Christmas. Now, that has to be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014an incredible story, right there, of the love of Christ overcoming enormous obstacles. That, generally, is not the way this whole thing works out. It seems to me the whole blended family situation is set up to be a catastrophe in terms of the ex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I never saw the movie, but there was a movie that came out years ago called\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>Stepmom<\/em>\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014that was all about that; wasn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; exactly; it is very common. In fact, in the book, <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>, we talk about how\u2014if you\u2019re the stepdad, and your wife has an ex-husband, then he is your ex-husband-in-law, which means he is a part of your life \/ he is a part of your family. He is an extended family member, whether you like it or not.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, you, forever, are going to live in this shadow of who that man is. That goes from one extreme or the other. If he is an open, loving, Christian, good-hearted man, then, you\u2019re going to reap the blessing of that; because he is going to be telling your stepchildren, \u201cHey, you need to listen to your stepdad; because he is in charge when you are over at his house.\u201d But it will also go to the other extreme of\u2014when that ex-husband-in-law is an addict, or unreasonable, or mentally ill, or whatever that case may be, you\u2019re going to, unfortunately, pay the price for that as well. So, that is a hard, hard reality sometimes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, for some men, it\u2019s harder than others\u2014especially a dad who, maybe, has raised his children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMaybe, he\u2019s a little later in life; and he knows what it is to be in charge of his home\u2014and be able to set rules and have structures and they be followed. But then, he finds himself in a situation with an ex-husband-in-law, whose erratic behavior is causing chaos rippling into his life\u2014that\u2019s really, really <em>tough<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It seems to me to be a setup for one guy to want to be the hero\u2014the stepfather stepping in\u2014kind of: \u201cI\u2019m here to win the day.\u201d\u00a0 You could kind of end up putting the other guy down\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014pointing out his flaws, and weaknesses \/ bad habits while trying to make yourself look good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>One pitfall is turning to his wife and saying: \u201cListen, I don\u2019t know why you let him get away with that,\u201d \u201cNo; don\u2019t let him talk to you that way. That\u2019s your ex-husband,\u201d \u201cNo; don\u2019t let him change the custody or visitation plans this weekend. You can\u2019t allow that. You\u2019ve got to stand up to him.\u201d Well, she\u2019s been dealing with her ex-husband for years. I\u2019m not saying she\u2019s dealing with it in a correct way. What I am saying is: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIf you become overly critical of your wife and how she is dealing with her ex-husband, and not working with her and trying to come beside her and understand what that relationship is all about, then, all of a sudden, she is going to turn on you as the stepdad. She\u2019s going to say, \u201cWhat are you saying?\u2019\u00a0 Now, you are going to be pushed and marginalized to the side.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a lot of pitfalls in this. That is why I always caution couples: \u201cNo matter who we\u2019re dealing with here\u2014if it is a child, if it\u2019s a former mother-in-law, if it\u2019s the ex-husband-in-law\u2014you, as a couple, really work very hard to guard and protect your marriage and not let that external stress become internal stress.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Guys are naturally competitive in the first place. It would seem like the dynamic between husband one and husband two is just going to have this natural kind of \u201cWho\u2019s the better guy? \/ Who is the better husband?\u201d built into it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>There\u2019s actually a phenomenon where ex-husbands\u2014fathers who have maybe dropped out of their kids\u2019 lives, maybe, after the divorce\u2014about 15 percent of dads just disappear after a divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe call them the vanishing fathers. Well, many of them are reactivated when their ex-wife remarries. So, now, all of a sudden, the stepdad is in the picture; and he becomes what we call a remarried-activated dad. Now, bio-dad is involved with the kids. Now, he wants to see them on visitation weekends. He hadn\u2019t seen them in a couple of years; and, now, he is insisting on it. Now, he\u2019s saying things about \u201c\u2026going back to court if you don\u2019t follow through with the custody agreement that we had,\u201d that he hasn\u2019t followed himself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll kinds of weird things begin to happen; because there\u2019s a stepdad in the picture, and this bio-dad is threatened. He feels like: \u201cWait a minute!\u00a0 He\u2019s coming in, and he\u2019s going to have more time with my kids than I\u2019m going to have with my kids.\u201d\u00a0 For whatever reason, that competition\u2014it\u2019s on. And boy, that stepdad may be hit with that out of the blue\u2014especially, if this guy has been uninvolved in his kids\u2019 lives the whole time he was dating this woman\u2014he wasn\u2019t even a factor.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Now, all of a sudden, he <em>is<\/em> a factor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s one of those complexities. That\u2019s why we wrote this book\u2014is to try to give some guidance, not only to the stepdad, but to the mom as well; because it is as much for the mom as it is for the stepdad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I could see a situation where a child\u2014a stepson or stepdaughter\u2014just in their hurt or being wounded by the absence of their biological father would just be sad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The conversation occurs between them and the stepfather. The natural tendency of a stepfather, at that point, again, would be to make himself look good\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and kind of make the other guy look bad. Yet, what I hear you saying\u2014in those moments, it would be wise to not put the other guy down\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014but to say: \u201cYou know, I got to believe he loves you. There may be things going on his life, perhaps, that prevent him, right now, from being able to come see you,\u201d because he may show up again someday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes; at that point, the stepdad is a grief counselor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe is ministering to this child\u2019s heart\u2014who is sad over their father not really being engaged actively in their lives. So, yes; he is doing a couple things. He is ministering to the child\u2019s heart. He is acknowledging their sadness and grief. He\u2019s refraining from putting down the biological dad\u2014because a kid will turn on him in a hurry, because this child is going to have a deep loyalty to their father.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing I would want that stepfather to do in that scenario is to leave the door open. I mean, I am not saying you can\u2019t ever set boundaries with a really dysfunctional biological dad\u2014sometimes, you do\u2014but if that bio-dad would come and bring his heart back towards his children and want to reconnect, a stepdad should not be in the way of that. You don\u2019t have to be afraid that he\u2019s going to come in, and they\u2019re going to push you out. Sometimes, there are complexities that go along with that; but whenever a child can be restored to their parent, it is in the child\u2019s best interest for that to happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ron, I\u2019ve just got to talk about the elephant that is, I think, in the room for some of our listeners. They\u2019ve heard us talking this week about stepfamilies and making the most of a stepfamily situation. They\u2019re thinking, \u201cGee, it almost sounds like you\u2019re saying that if a first marriage doesn\u2019t work out, maybe, the second one will work out better.\u201d\u00a0 We can almost sound like we\u2019re undervaluing the marriage covenant in all of this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve told couples, for years, at our <em>Weekends to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014or wherever we\u2019re ministering\u2014the marriage that God wants you to honor \/ the covenant He wants you to honor\u2014is the one that you\u2019re in right now. Whatever got you there\u2014we\u2019re not here to try to dissect that and figure out, \u201cWell, what about this?\u201d \/ \u201cWhat about that?\u201d\u00a0 If you\u2019re in a marriage relationship right now, that is the covenant God wants you to honor, and live out, and live it as godly as you can. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know there are some folks who hear this whole comment about stepparenting and they think: \u201cWhy are you even giving advice?\u00a0 They shouldn\u2019t even go near stepparenting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThey should go back to their first spouse and get that all right.\u201d\u00a0 What do you say to those folks?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I think there are really two questions at the heart of this. One is: \u201cIf you\u2019re not yet married, I think you do need to take a good, hard look at your situation. What about reconciliation of the first marriage?\u00a0 What about that?\u00a0 What are my obligations to the Lord?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIf you are, however, already married, the \u2018Woulda, coulda, should haves\u201d have kind of gone by the wayside. There is a new covenant and a promise that needs to be kept; and I would want that couple to keep that promise and do as best of a job as they can to honor that before God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we do have some illustrations in Scripture where we see blended situations with God\u2019s blessing on them. I don\u2019t know that you\u2019d call David\u2019s relationship with Mephibosheth a blended family, because we don\u2019t know anything about what David\u2019s relationship with Jonathan\u2019s wife would have been; but here\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s almost a stepparenting relationship, where he says, \u201cThe blessings of my house are going to be yours.\u201d Are there other illustrations that come to mind for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Nearly all of the Old Testament families are blended families of one shape or another, not necessarily because of divorce and remarriage, because of multiple marriages. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Polygamy; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Nevertheless, they have dynamics that mirror modern-day stepfamilies. Then, there is this situation of Jesus\u2014I think it is an interesting question\u2014to say, \u201cDid Jesus have a stepfather?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m always quick to point out to people\u2014I think it is pretty significant that there was a moment, when Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant, that he almost walked. I mean, think about that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the book, we talk about how attachments are different for biological dads than they are for stepdads. You just don\u2019t feel the same heart connect. Well, right there, in Scripture, we see Joseph walking away from this situation; but the Spirit of God says, \u201cNo; come back.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThere is something bigger going on here.\u201d\u00a0 He does, and he submits to that process. I think it is really significant that he, then, chooses to father Jesus, which I find very profound\u2014that the God of the universe, who chooses to leave heaven and come here to love and serve us the way we needed to be loved and served, is immediately chosen to be loved and served by a stepdad\u2014if we can call him that. Joseph does a <em>great<\/em> job. I mean, we don\u2019t know much about Joseph\u2014and how he parented and who he was\u2014but he seemed to be pretty significant to the story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to encourage stepdads \/ I want to encourage moms who are out there who are married to a man who is a stepdad to their children\u2014you can have an incredible role in the life of a child. You can, in effect, be the redemptive work of God in the life of that child\u2014bringing, perhaps, out of sadness and loss, something that is stable and secure and loving\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014being, if you will, the stand-in person, who points them to God. That\u2019s an amazing process. When a man chooses that, he is to be honored for it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I worked with a man for a number of years whose father deserted him when he was a boy. A stepfather ended up stepping into his life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and his heart has totally been given to his stepdad. I mean, he said: \u201cHe\u2019s my dad. He raised me. He was there during those adolescent years when my biological father was not.\u201d\u00a0 You know, I am sure it wasn\u2019t a perfect situation; but what we\u2019ve been talking about here all this week is how God, in His supernatural power, takes broken people\u2014and He takes His Word\u2014and He calls us to obedience; He calls us to love; He calls us to forgive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, I just appreciate you and your ministry to stepfamilies because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014Bob, as you know, at our conferences\u2014our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014all across the country, this is a growing segment of those who attend the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Oftentimes, they wonder if we have special material for couples who have been remarried. Actually, we have projects that we\u2019ve designed for remarried couples; but the core material stays the same, whether it is a first marriage, or a second marriage, or a third marriage\u2014because the foundation of a marriage relationship \/ the principles are the same wherever you are in your covenant relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think all marriages need to go to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway; but stepfamilies, absolutely, because you\u2019re juggling some serious issues there as you raise children and hammer out your own marriage. Quite honestly, you need voices, like Ron Deal, coming alongside you\u2014coaching, and encouraging, and, as we mentioned earlier on our broadcast, being a GPS system to kind of who you the way and how you can arrive at the destination. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, I just appreciate you. I hope you\u2019ll come back and join us again.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and I hope a lot of our listeners will either get for themselves or get for a stepdad they know or a stepdad-to-be\u2014get them a copy of your book, <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>. I think this is the kind of book that gives practical, helpful insight and information\u2014coaching\u2014to a dad who wants to be a good stepdad. He just needs the benefit of the wisdom that you offer in the book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, we\u2019ve got copies of <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to request your copy; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, and we\u2019ll send one to you. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order at 1-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you are interested in helping strengthen stepfamilies in your community \/ in your local church\u2014stepmoms and stepdads\u2014if you\u2019d like to know how you can do that more effectively, I want to encourage you to join Ron Deal, and me, and others. We\u2019re going to be in Nashville on October 26<sup>th<\/sup> and 27<sup>th<\/sup> for the 2017 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. We had about 400 people join us last year out in Colorado Springs\u2014had a great event. And we\u2019re expecting hundreds more to be with us this fall in Nashville. You can find out more, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. There is currently early-bird pricing available. So, get in touch with us now and plan to be with us at the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry in Nashville in October. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, a quick word of thanks to those of you who are the people who make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> happen. In fact, those of you who support this ministry\u2014either as monthly Legacy Partners or those of you who support us with an occasional donation\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014you are making it possible, each week, for us to reach more and more people as we\u2019re able to expand the outreach of FamilyLife through new channels\u2014online at FamilyLifeToday.com, on our FamilyLife app, through our podcasts, and of course, on our network of local Christian radio stations. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is heard by more people, more regularly, than ever before. And it\u2019s all thanks to you. So, we appreciate those of you who are regular contributors to this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a longtime listener and you\u2019ve never donated, how about making today the day you become part of the team?\u00a0 It\u2019s easy to donate. You can do it, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY; or you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, tune in on Monday. We\u2019re going to explore what exactly it is that God calls wives to do in a marriage relationship\u2014what\u2019s the unique responsibility that a wife has?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to hear from many of the people who have been guests on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> over the last quarter century\u2014some of the best wisdom we\u2019ve heard in those two-and-a-half decades. Hope you can tune in for that on Monday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine, hoping you have a great weekend. Join us back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304592","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304592"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304592"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304592"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304592"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304592"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304592"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304592"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}