{"id":304590,"date":"2017-07-13T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-07-13T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-role-of-a-stepdad\/"},"modified":"2017-07-13T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-07-13T15:00:00","slug":"the-role-of-a-stepdad","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-role-of-a-stepdad\/","title":{"rendered":"The Role of a Stepdad"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal gives insight into the stepdad&#8217;s role in the family. Hear him tell stepdads positive ways to impact their new families and how to avoid causing division.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-13.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:31","filesize":"24.29M","filesize_raw":"25465422","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,2837,2894],"tags":[2585,2732,5744,6276,4833,4188,5179,5208],"podcast_series":[7806],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304590","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-fathers","category-stepfamily-living","tag-blended-family","tag-remarriage","tag-remarriage-after-divorce","tag-step-parent-advice","tag-step-parents","tag-stepfamily","tag-stepfather","tag-stepparenting","podcast_series-the-smart-stepdad","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304590\/the-role-of-a-stepdad","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304590\/the-role-of-a-stepdad","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"kdAMVMsVte\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-role-of-a-stepdad\/\">The Role of a Stepdad<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-role-of-a-stepdad\/embed\/#?secret=kdAMVMsVte\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Role of a Stepdad&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"kdAMVMsVte\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-13.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-13.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Being a wise stepdad requires a whole different skill set than being a drill sergeant. That\u2019s the counsel that Ron Deal passed along to one new stepdad not long ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The new husband\u2014the future stepdad\u2014is an ex-Marine. He has no children \/ he\u2019s never been married before. He doesn\u2019t really know how hard family life is. He\u2019s marrying a woman who has three children. He calls her on the phone, and they were talking about a few things; and he said, \u201cHey, regarding the kids and parenting, just tell your kids that when you and I get married, the Marines have landed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oooh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Alright? Well, what happened was\u2014he came in and the Marines landed. He made the rules. He started barking. He expected people to jump when he said, \u201cJump.\u201d And eventually, it just began to really create a whole lot of stress in the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, July 13<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just stepchildren who have to make an adjustment when a stepfamily is blended. Stepmoms and dads have to make some adjustments as well. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, there\u2019s a passage in the Old Testament that\u2014there are just certain situations that, whenever they come up, I find myself gravitating toward these few verses in Isaiah 61. I think what we\u2019re talking about today\u2014as we talk about stepparenting \/ about stepdads in particular\u2014I just think it helps to start the program with these words from the Prophet Isaiah. He\u2019s talking about the coming of the Messiah. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe says one of the things that will happen when the Messiah comes is that He will grant those who mourn in Zion\u2014He will give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just think it\u2019s good to know that God\u2019s ministry in our lives is a ministry of restoration \/ a ministry of reconciliation\u2014a ministry, where we can look at the ashes that we\u2019ve made and God looks at them and says: \u201cWatch this. I can make something really beautiful out of this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, Bob, I\u2019m glad you shared that passage, because it just reminds me of something I said at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that I spoke at. I stood in front of the audience and I said: \u201cWe\u2019re all broken.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cLook at me. We\u2019re all a mess!\u201d This could be called Broken Life Today. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think the ratings might go down a little bit, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, it might. It might, you know; but families are <em>broken<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re not in heaven \/ we\u2019re on earth. And until we do get to heaven, they\u2019re made up of people who are in need of what you just read about\u2014redemption and about restoration. It\u2019s interesting\u2014that the way this life is set up, God has given us His Spirit to those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, and He uses families and stepfamilies to perfect His image in our lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, the reason we bring it up and that you\u2019re on your soapbox on this is because of the subject we\u2019re talking about. We just have to acknowledge that a stepfamily is something that starts off from brokenness, but that doesn\u2019t mean that God can\u2019t do something beautiful in the midst of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A recent Pew Research poll found that 50 percent of all children will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And here\u2019s the thing that makes that interesting\u2014most stepfamilies I know have had this experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore they became a stepfamily, those kids just thought this new guy was great: \u201cMom, we really like him. He\u2019s so much fun. He takes us to the ballgames. He buys the cotton candy. Yes; we want you to marry <em>him<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s because his role at that point was entertainer\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and to court\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; and he\u2019s winning the heart of their mother, at that point, and their hearts as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But two weeks later, when he\u2019s the disciplinarian, all of a sudden, they don\u2019t like this guy so much: \u201cMom, why\u2019d you marry him?\u201d and \u201cWe don\u2019t want him around the house!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I can\u2019t imagine a more challenging assignment in a family. Truthfully, I really can\u2019t. Well, I want to introduce Ron Deal to our audience. Ron, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He is an author \/ a speaker. He has written a number of books. The one we\u2019re talking about today is called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>. We\u2019re talking to both the moms in the audience and the stepdads in the audience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you said to me, Ron, before we came in here, that one of the big issues for a stepdad\u2014and as far as that goes, for the mom of the family\u2014is the confusion over roles.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Unpack what you mean there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, this stepdad went to a FamilyLife marriage conference and he heard a lot of incredible speakers. And one of the things they talked about is the role of men\u2014the role of a father \/ the role of a husband in the home. He was inspired to see that he was\u2014he needed to be somebody who would initiate spiritual things for the family \/ that he would set them on a path that would lead them towards God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He was going to be the spiritual leader \/ the servant of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> He was going to be the servant leader of the family, and he\u2019s inspired to go home and do that. He goes home, and he begins to take that sort of initiative. What he begins to experience from the children, though, is resistance; because they\u2019re looking at him like: \u201cOkay; wait a minute. This is not your territory. What are you doing here? I\u2019ve got a dad; thank you very much.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr he experiences some frowns from his wife, who later comes to him and says: \u201cHoney, I appreciate what you\u2019re doing; but that\u2019s not the way I\u2019ve done it with my kids for the last 15 years,\u201d or \u201c\u20269 years,\u201d or \u201c\u20266 years,\u201d or \u201c\u2026\u201d She\u2019s very used to\u2014coming out of the single-parent years\u2014being the <em>only<\/em> authority in the kids\u2019 lives, and making decisions, and going with it. They\u2019ve got their patterns pretty well set.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe didn\u2019t realize it, but he\u2019s kind of creating new rules and new expectations from the children regarding behavior. He\u2019s just trying to take initiative and do good things. He\u2019s really trying to be a really good father. And therein lies the bind for him, because sometimes being the good father is not the right step to make\u2014it\u2019s being a good stepdad \/ being a <em>smart<\/em> stepdad. He\u2019ll work within the power structure that is with his wife in order to take the initiative.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, the job description for biological father and the job description for stepfather are not the same job description.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I would say the job descriptions are very similar, but the methods and the strategies are different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; the execution.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The execution is what is different. He can still be the servant leader. He can still be the initiator in the family. He can still say: \u201cNo \/ nope; we\u2019re going to make these decisions about what TV shows we watch,\u201d and \u201c\u2026about what activities we involve ourselves in,\u201d \u201c\u2026how we spend our money, because we\u2019re going to be good stewards. We\u2019re going to follow what God has called upon us to do.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when it comes time to make new rules\u2014for example, about children, and expectations, and behavior\u2014he\u2019s going to recognize that his role\u2014he doesn\u2019t have much relational equity with the children, especially in the early phases of the blended family. He\u2019s going to recognize the limitations of his role and say: \u201cHoney, okay; you and I are now in agreement that this is where we need to go; but you need to be the one who brings that to the kids,\u201d because mom has that relational equity. She has enough in the bank with her own children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They can\u2019t say to her, \u201cYou\u2019re not my mom.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly! There\u2019s no trump card with mom. Again, he is taking initiative\u2014he is making sure that the family is moving in a direction that will usher them into the throne room of God\u2014but it might not be him who delivers the message to the children. It might be mom who does that. He\u2019s working through the power structure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay; so here\u2019s my question\u2014I want to get to what he should do. Are there some things he ought not to do? I mean, some big-time cautions you would say to him: \u201cDon\u2019t do this, for goodness sakes,\u201d \/ \u201cDon\u2019t say that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I would say: \u201cDon\u2019t make unilateral decisions. I mean, you have to talk to mom \/ you have to collaborate with mom.\u201d And of course, I think you guys would say a biological dad, in a biological home, should not make just drastic unilateral decisions\u2014it\u2019s a collaborative environment\u2014but a stepdad <em>especially<\/em> needs to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And the kids need to know it was a collaborative effort.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely. And that\u2019s mom\u2019s part of this process as she\u2019s constantly working to create an expectation of respect for him\u2014to communicate to her children: \u201cYes; he\u2019s not your father, but he\u2019s my husband. He and I, together, are running this household at this point in time. You\u2019re not going to talk to him that way, young man.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe corrects her children, and what that does is\u2014it elevates his status in their eyes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf mom isn\u2019t right there, communicating: \u201cHey, this guy\u2014he can stand with me. He counts. You need to listen to him.\u201d If she\u2019s not doing that\u2014if she\u2019s inadvertently, or on purpose\u2014especially on purpose\u2014it\u2019s really difficult\u2014she\u2019s undercutting him with the children. Just think about what that would do to a man\u2019s spirit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No doubt about it. It would seem to me that a man would also struggle with the issue of authority. At some point, he\u2019s going to want to play the trump card, \u201cI\u2019m the dad around here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Especially if, Dennis, he is a dad. If he\u2019s a biological father of his own children\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and he knows what it is to be able to be that authority and to speak and say: \u201cNobody\u2019s arguing. This is the way it\u2019s going to be,\u201d it is such a confusing place to be\u2014to be in another household, going: \u201cWow! I can\u2019t do that here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, what does he do with that card? Hold it in his hand?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> He holds it. He bites his lip \/ he backs off\u2014he says: \u201cHoney, come here. We need to have a powwow.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe and his wife go into the back room. They try to get things squared there first\u2014always the marriage first \/ always decide it there\u2014gain that collaborative environment \/ gain that support from your wife\u2014<em>then<\/em> go back and deal with kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Refuse to allow your children to divide you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And when the child does say: \u201cI hate you. You\u2019re not my dad.\u201d Is there a good response to that child?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; I think the response is basically this: \u201cYou\u2019re right. I\u2019m not. However, I\u2019m the man in the house right now, and your mom and I \u2026\u201d See? Hear the position of unity? \u201cYour mom and I have decided you have to go clean your room,\u201d \u201c\u2026you have to go out and take out the trash,\u201d and \u201c\u2026you have to do this,\u201d and \u201c\u2026you need to be in at this certain time. Your mom and I have decided that this is the way it\u2019s going to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me tell you a story. I had a couple call me one time. They were mentor couples. They had just talked to this young couple that was getting married, and they were about two months away from the wedding. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the scenario: the new husband\u2014the future stepdad\u2014is an ex-Marine. He has no children \/ he\u2019s never been married before. He didn\u2019t really know how hard family life is. He\u2019s marrying a woman who has three children. He calls her on the phone, and they were talking about a few things; and he said, \u201cHey, regarding the kids and parenting, just tell your kids that when you and I get married, the Marines have landed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oooh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Alright? So, his fianc\u00e9e calls her mentor couple and says: \u201cWhat do I do? He\u2019s telling me he\u2019s going to come in\u2014he\u2019s going to run the show \/ he\u2019s going to be the top dog\u2014and I don\u2019t\u2014what do I do about that?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And he\u2019s declaring war\u2014sounds like. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> He\u2019s declaring war. You know: \u201cBeaches of Normandy, here we come!\u201d So, the mentor couple called me and said: \u201cWhat do we tell them? What do we do?\u201d Well, I kind of talked them through some of these very things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what I want you to know\u2014two years later, I was speaking at a conference. A woman came up to me and she said, \u201cYou just told a story about \u2018The Marines have landed.\u2019\u201d I said, \u201cYes; that\u2019s how not to do it\u201d; and she said: \u201cWell, that\u2019s me. My mentors called you about <em>my<\/em> future marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And I said, \u201cSo what happened?\u201d Well, what happened was\u2014he came in, and the Marines landed\u2014he made the rules \/ he started barking. He expected people to jump when he said, \u201cJump.\u201d The kids, obviously, stood in opposition to that. His wife\u2014desperately wanting to support his new role\u2014wanting the kids to like him \/ wanting to kind of help connect them and build bridges\u2014but at the same time, she couldn\u2019t deal with his hostility \/ she couldn\u2019t feel good about that. She found herself kind of defending the kids and trying to speak for them. Eventually, it just began to really create a whole lot of stress in the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cOkay; so what happened?\u201d She said: \u201cWell, the first two years we just did that. We fought. It was ugly.\u201d \u201cAnd then what happened?\u201d I said. She said: \u201cWell, he finally came to me one day and he said he finally dug into some of your material, and he realized that he had made a mistake. He came to me and he apologized.\u201d I said, \u201cWow!\u201d And then, she said, \u201cHe went to my kids, and he apologized.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said: \u201cWow!! How\u2019s that going?\u201d She said: \u201cWell, they\u2019re healing. It\u2019s been about six months, and things are definitely getting better; but he had to back <em>way off<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here\u2019s the point\u2014he had to back <em>way off<\/em> from trying to be that authority figure who just <em>demands<\/em> that position.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The troops\u2014the troops had to leave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The troops had to leave, but listen to this\u2014she said, \u201cAnd when he did, I realized that I had backed off trying to counterbalance him. I wasn\u2019t being the authority I needed to be\u2014I wasn\u2019t elevating his status in my kids\u2019 eyes.\u201d She said, \u201cI had to step up.\u201d And I said, \u201cThat\u2019s exactly it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if we could write the prescription for somebody who is just starting out, that\u2019s what we would say: \u201cThe biological mom has the relational equity with her kids to change rules, to make things happen, and to elevate the status of her husband in their eyes. <em>He<\/em> needs to tread lightly. He needs to come in and get to know them, build a relationship, and establish himself as a man they can trust.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd when they trust him, Dennis, then they\u2019ll let him in deeper. And then he can take on more and more of an active, engaged servant leader in the home; but it\u2019s a role that he has to <em>grow<\/em> into with the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s a dance; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s a dance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As you\u2019re describing this, there\u2019s kind of a fundamental, core concept that I\u2019m going to throw out here that I don\u2019t think a lot of blended couples think about; but they really need to wrestle with this. If they can\u2019t agree with what I\u2019m about to say, then they may need to step back and decide, \u201cShould we really consider a blended marriage?\u201d And that is this: \u201cIn a blended relationship, the relationship between the husband and the wife ultimately trumps the relationship between the parent and the biological children.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And if you can\u2019t get there, then you have no business blending a family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You hope that it never comes to a \u201cWhich would you choose?\u201d kind of a scenario; but at some point, the marriage really has to be the foundation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn order for that to happen, the biological parent\u2014in this case, the biological mom\u2014has to be willing to do some hard work with her kids\u2014to be willing to say, \u201cLook; I know you guys want me staying here, but I need to go out on a date with him.\u201d That\u2019s a strong statement of her commitment, and the solidarity of the marriage, <em>and<\/em> the stepdad\u2019s importance to the family as a unit. Kids\u2014some kids are just fine and dandy with that. Other kids will battle it, and fight it, and feel displaced, and be anxious and upset about that. You just have to kind of work with it slowly over time. It\u2019s never an \u201cI choose him over you.\u201d It\u2019s: \u201cI choose you <em>both<\/em>; but at the same time, this marriage is going to last forever.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love the story that Dr. Dan Allender tells. Now, he\u2019s not a stepfather; but one time, one of his kids asked\u2014if they were in a boat, and the boat capsized \/ and the kid went in the water and Becky, his wife, went in the water\u2014they asked Dan, \u201cWho would you rescue?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan said, \u201cThat\u2019s easy!\u201d He said: \u201cYour mother; and not only would I rescue her, I\u2019d be in the boat, drying her off.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughter] Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He wanted his child to understand <em>that<\/em> relationship has to be intact, pre-eminent\u2014obviously, the first relationship being that of Jesus Christ\u2014and both husband and wife \/ mom and dad submitting to him\u2014but the children are far more secure if they understand, whether they are a blended family or not a blended family, that the mom and dad are committed to one another, no matter <em>what<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Now, let me tell you something that is really confusing about this; because this is so central to the success of a blended family. Imagine you\u2019re a future stepdad. You\u2019ve met this woman \/ you\u2019ve fallen in love. You\u2019re dating kind of separate \/ apart from the kids. Your interaction with them is limited; it grows over time. You\u2019re kind of that fun-loving guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you get married; and you transition into real blended family life. One of the things that you notice is very different is that this woman, who seemed to be enthralled and totally focused on you during courtship, all of a sudden, seems to be more of a mother than a wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t tell you how many men are really thrown by that. They <em>feel<\/em> like they got duped. They feel like: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here? She seems to be more interested in all the motherly activities and kids, and I\u2019m just kind of the afterthought at that point; but when we were dating, <em>man<\/em>, she was all about me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a couple things about that. Dating tends to be unreal anyway. It tends to be kind of fantasy, and we tend to separate coupleness from familyness. So, it inherently moves her heart toward him; and all he sees is her being focused on him. But when she\u2019s at dinner with this guy, she\u2019s still thinking about her kids. Moms are totally always a mom\u2014right?\u2014but he doesn\u2019t necessarily experience her being that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, when they\u2019re all living together in the house, and she kind of shifts her attention to being mom and caretaking\u2014that can really be disillusioning for this guy. He needs to be careful and not over-judge her \/ not be quick to say: \u201cWait a minute. She\u2019s bailed on me. She\u2019s betraying me.\u201d No; I think she\u2019s just doing the hard work of balancing wife and mother roles. But at the same time, this woman needs to understand\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014that she needs to attend to him as her husband. She needs to be in tune with that need that he has and not just totally shift all of her time and energy to the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, Ron, I\u2019m just listening to you; and I have two thoughts. One is: \u201cIf I was a listener, contemplating divorce and thinking about busting up my family, I think I\u2019d go rethink it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014because we\u2019re talking about enormous complexities here if you trade this one in and go get a different one. And we\u2019re talking about things that are going to impact you, your kids, your future\u2014I mean, for generations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; if it\u2019s within your power, make that first marriage work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right. But secondly, for those\u2014and it\u2019s not just for those who are blendeds who are listening right now\u2014but for all marriages and families: \u201cMarriage is a spiritual relationship. Yes; it\u2019s physical \/ yes, it\u2019s relational in terms of two human beings enjoying all the pleasures with one another; but it is a spiritual commitment between two people, and it takes <em>God<\/em> to make it work. God\u2019s power works best between two broken people, who have come to the conclusion that they are not the center of the universe \/ but that <em>He<\/em> is the center of all of life, and of submitting to Him and His Word, and getting busy building your home according to the Scripture.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know how marriages go the distance otherwise. I literally do not know how two broken, sinful, selfish human beings\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014can live with each other for ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years. Jesus Christ is the hope of your home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I hear you saying that, if a man\u2019s going to be a successful stepdad, he has to make sure, first of all, that his relationship with God is what God designed that to be\u2014that he is connected intimately with God; and then, your relationship\u2014as a husband with your wife\u2014that\u2019s got to be secure and solid as well. If those two things aren\u2019t in place, then trying to be stepfather to your stepchildren, you\u2019re trying to do that from a fragile foundation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why I think it is good for stepdads to start off with some wise counsel like what you have provided in your book, Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book is called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em> by Ron Deal. We have copies of it in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go, online, to order at FamilyLife Today.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014and our number is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say\u2014you may not be a stepdad yourself, but you probably know somebody in your church who is. Maybe you know somebody who is about to get married and become a stepdad. Maybe it\u2019s somebody in your neighborhood or in the office\u2014somebody that you\u2019d like to give a gift to and just say, \u201cI\u2019m cheering for you; praying for you; here for you.\u201d Order a copy of the book, <em>The Smart Stepdad,<\/em> and pass it on to somebody you know who could benefit from reading Ron\u2019s book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re interested in helping couples who are stepfamilies\u2014helping them succeed \/ helping them thrive in your local church or in your community\u2014let me invite you to join Ron Deal, and me, and others. We\u2019re going to be in Nashville, October 26<sup>th<\/sup> and 27<sup>th<\/sup>, for the 2017 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. This is a two-day event that\u2019s designed to help people who want to help others. Last year, I think we had three or four hundred people join us out in Colorado Springs\u2014it was a <em>great<\/em> event. This event has been growing every year, and we\u2019re hoping that you will join hundreds of others with us in Nashville, October 26<sup>th<\/sup> and 27<sup>th<\/sup>. There is more information, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. There is early-bird pricing available now. So, find out more and plan to be with us for the 2017 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say a quick word of thanks to those of you who are faithful friends of this ministry\u2014those of you who are monthly Legacy Partners, who help support this ministry, month in and month out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour financial support is what makes it possible for us to extend the reach of FamilyLife to more and more people every year. In fact, we\u2019ve got a video screen in our office. I just walked by it on the way into the studio; and it shows how many people are online, reading articles at any moment in time. When I went by, there were 178 people on our website, reading articles about marriage and family. The top article being read right now was one about prodigal kids. As a supporter of this ministry, you\u2019re making it possible for us, at any given moment, to be reaching out all around the world with practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. And we\u2019re grateful for your partnership in that endeavor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a regular listener and you\u2019ve never donated to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, why don\u2019t you join the team? Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and give a donation today or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, donate over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can mail your donation to us. Our mailing address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about some of the challenges that stepdads face from outside the family\u2014ex-husband relationships. There\u2019s just a lot to consider as you step into the role of being a stepdad. Ron Deal is going to be back with us tomorrow. I hope you can be back with us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:26:31"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.29M"],"filesize_raw":["25465422"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304590.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304590.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Deal gives insight into the stepdad's role in the family. Hear him tell stepdads positive ways to impact their new families and how to avoid causing division.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-07-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Being a wise stepdad requires a whole different skill set than being a drill sergeant. That\u2019s the counsel that Ron Deal passed along to one new stepdad not long ago.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The new husband\u2014the future stepdad\u2014is an ex-Marine. He has no children \/ he\u2019s never been married before. He doesn\u2019t really know how hard family life is. He\u2019s marrying a woman who has three children. He calls her on the phone, and they were talking about a few things; and he said, \u201cHey, regarding the kids and parenting, just tell your kids that when you and I get married, the Marines have landed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oooh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Alright? Well, what happened was\u2014he came in and the Marines landed. He made the rules. He started barking. He expected people to jump when he said, \u201cJump.\u201d And eventually, it just began to really create a whole lot of stress in the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, July 13<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just stepchildren who have to make an adjustment when a stepfamily is blended. Stepmoms and dads have to make some adjustments as well. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know, there\u2019s a passage in the Old Testament that\u2014there are just certain situations that, whenever they come up, I find myself gravitating toward these few verses in Isaiah 61. I think what we\u2019re talking about today\u2014as we talk about stepparenting \/ about stepdads in particular\u2014I just think it helps to start the program with these words from the Prophet Isaiah. He\u2019s talking about the coming of the Messiah. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe says one of the things that will happen when the Messiah comes is that He will grant those who mourn in Zion\u2014He will give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just think it\u2019s good to know that God\u2019s ministry in our lives is a ministry of restoration \/ a ministry of reconciliation\u2014a ministry, where we can look at the ashes that we\u2019ve made and God looks at them and says: \u201cWatch this. I can make something really beautiful out of this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, Bob, I\u2019m glad you shared that passage, because it just reminds me of something I said at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that I spoke at. I stood in front of the audience and I said: \u201cWe\u2019re all broken.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cLook at me. We\u2019re all a mess!\u201d This could be called Broken Life Today. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think the ratings might go down a little bit, but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, it might. It might, you know; but families are <em>broken<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re not in heaven \/ we\u2019re on earth. And until we do get to heaven, they\u2019re made up of people who are in need of what you just read about\u2014redemption and about restoration. It\u2019s interesting\u2014that the way this life is set up, God has given us His Spirit to those who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, and He uses families and stepfamilies to perfect His image in our lives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, the reason we bring it up and that you\u2019re on your soapbox on this is because of the subject we\u2019re talking about. We just have to acknowledge that a stepfamily is something that starts off from brokenness, but that doesn\u2019t mean that God can\u2019t do something beautiful in the midst of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> A recent Pew Research poll found that 50 percent of all children will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And here\u2019s the thing that makes that interesting\u2014most stepfamilies I know have had this experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBefore they became a stepfamily, those kids just thought this new guy was great: \u201cMom, we really like him. He\u2019s so much fun. He takes us to the ballgames. He buys the cotton candy. Yes; we want you to marry <em>him<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s because his role at that point was entertainer\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and to court\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; and he\u2019s winning the heart of their mother, at that point, and their hearts as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But two weeks later, when he\u2019s the disciplinarian, all of a sudden, they don\u2019t like this guy so much: \u201cMom, why\u2019d you marry him?\u201d and \u201cWe don\u2019t want him around the house!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I can\u2019t imagine a more challenging assignment in a family. Truthfully, I really can\u2019t. Well, I want to introduce Ron Deal to our audience. Ron, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. It\u2019s great to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He is an author \/ a speaker. He has written a number of books. The one we\u2019re talking about today is called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em>. We\u2019re talking to both the moms in the audience and the stepdads in the audience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you said to me, Ron, before we came in here, that one of the big issues for a stepdad\u2014and as far as that goes, for the mom of the family\u2014is the confusion over roles.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Unpack what you mean there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, this stepdad went to a FamilyLife marriage conference and he heard a lot of incredible speakers. And one of the things they talked about is the role of men\u2014the role of a father \/ the role of a husband in the home. He was inspired to see that he was\u2014he needed to be somebody who would initiate spiritual things for the family \/ that he would set them on a path that would lead them towards God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He was going to be the spiritual leader \/ the servant of the family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> He was going to be the servant leader of the family, and he\u2019s inspired to go home and do that. He goes home, and he begins to take that sort of initiative. What he begins to experience from the children, though, is resistance; because they\u2019re looking at him like: \u201cOkay; wait a minute. This is not your territory. What are you doing here? I\u2019ve got a dad; thank you very much.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr he experiences some frowns from his wife, who later comes to him and says: \u201cHoney, I appreciate what you\u2019re doing; but that\u2019s not the way I\u2019ve done it with my kids for the last 15 years,\u201d or \u201c\u20269 years,\u201d or \u201c\u20266 years,\u201d or \u201c\u2026\u201d She\u2019s very used to\u2014coming out of the single-parent years\u2014being the <em>only<\/em> authority in the kids\u2019 lives, and making decisions, and going with it. They\u2019ve got their patterns pretty well set.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe didn\u2019t realize it, but he\u2019s kind of creating new rules and new expectations from the children regarding behavior. He\u2019s just trying to take initiative and do good things. He\u2019s really trying to be a really good father. And therein lies the bind for him, because sometimes being the good father is not the right step to make\u2014it\u2019s being a good stepdad \/ being a <em>smart<\/em> stepdad. He\u2019ll work within the power structure that is with his wife in order to take the initiative.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, the job description for biological father and the job description for stepfather are not the same job description.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I would say the job descriptions are very similar, but the methods and the strategies are different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; the execution.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The execution is what is different. He can still be the servant leader. He can still be the initiator in the family. He can still say: \u201cNo \/ nope; we\u2019re going to make these decisions about what TV shows we watch,\u201d and \u201c\u2026about what activities we involve ourselves in,\u201d \u201c\u2026how we spend our money, because we\u2019re going to be good stewards. We\u2019re going to follow what God has called upon us to do.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut when it comes time to make new rules\u2014for example, about children, and expectations, and behavior\u2014he\u2019s going to recognize that his role\u2014he doesn\u2019t have much relational equity with the children, especially in the early phases of the blended family. He\u2019s going to recognize the limitations of his role and say: \u201cHoney, okay; you and I are now in agreement that this is where we need to go; but you need to be the one who brings that to the kids,\u201d because mom has that relational equity. She has enough in the bank with her own children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> They can\u2019t say to her, \u201cYou\u2019re not my mom.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly! There\u2019s no trump card with mom. Again, he is taking initiative\u2014he is making sure that the family is moving in a direction that will usher them into the throne room of God\u2014but it might not be him who delivers the message to the children. It might be mom who does that. He\u2019s working through the power structure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay; so here\u2019s my question\u2014I want to get to what he should do. Are there some things he ought not to do? I mean, some big-time cautions you would say to him: \u201cDon\u2019t do this, for goodness sakes,\u201d \/ \u201cDon\u2019t say that.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I would say: \u201cDon\u2019t make unilateral decisions. I mean, you have to talk to mom \/ you have to collaborate with mom.\u201d And of course, I think you guys would say a biological dad, in a biological home, should not make just drastic unilateral decisions\u2014it\u2019s a collaborative environment\u2014but a stepdad <em>especially<\/em> needs to do that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And the kids need to know it was a collaborative effort.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely. And that\u2019s mom\u2019s part of this process as she\u2019s constantly working to create an expectation of respect for him\u2014to communicate to her children: \u201cYes; he\u2019s not your father, but he\u2019s my husband. He and I, together, are running this household at this point in time. You\u2019re not going to talk to him that way, young man.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe corrects her children, and what that does is\u2014it elevates his status in their eyes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf mom isn\u2019t right there, communicating: \u201cHey, this guy\u2014he can stand with me. He counts. You need to listen to him.\u201d If she\u2019s not doing that\u2014if she\u2019s inadvertently, or on purpose\u2014especially on purpose\u2014it\u2019s really difficult\u2014she\u2019s undercutting him with the children. Just think about what that would do to a man\u2019s spirit.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No doubt about it. It would seem to me that a man would also struggle with the issue of authority. At some point, he\u2019s going to want to play the trump card, \u201cI\u2019m the dad around here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Especially if, Dennis, he is a dad. If he\u2019s a biological father of his own children\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and he knows what it is to be able to be that authority and to speak and say: \u201cNobody\u2019s arguing. This is the way it\u2019s going to be,\u201d it is such a confusing place to be\u2014to be in another household, going: \u201cWow! I can\u2019t do that here.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, what does he do with that card? Hold it in his hand?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> He holds it. He bites his lip \/ he backs off\u2014he says: \u201cHoney, come here. We need to have a powwow.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe and his wife go into the back room. They try to get things squared there first\u2014always the marriage first \/ always decide it there\u2014gain that collaborative environment \/ gain that support from your wife\u2014<em>then<\/em> go back and deal with kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Refuse to allow your children to divide you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And when the child does say: \u201cI hate you. You\u2019re not my dad.\u201d Is there a good response to that child?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; I think the response is basically this: \u201cYou\u2019re right. I\u2019m not. However, I\u2019m the man in the house right now, and your mom and I \u2026\u201d See? Hear the position of unity? \u201cYour mom and I have decided you have to go clean your room,\u201d \u201c\u2026you have to go out and take out the trash,\u201d and \u201c\u2026you have to do this,\u201d and \u201c\u2026you need to be in at this certain time. Your mom and I have decided that this is the way it\u2019s going to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me tell you a story. I had a couple call me one time. They were mentor couples. They had just talked to this young couple that was getting married, and they were about two months away from the wedding. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s the scenario: the new husband\u2014the future stepdad\u2014is an ex-Marine. He has no children \/ he\u2019s never been married before. He didn\u2019t really know how hard family life is. He\u2019s marrying a woman who has three children. He calls her on the phone, and they were talking about a few things; and he said, \u201cHey, regarding the kids and parenting, just tell your kids that when you and I get married, the Marines have landed.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Oooh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Alright? So, his fianc\u00e9e calls her mentor couple and says: \u201cWhat do I do? He\u2019s telling me he\u2019s going to come in\u2014he\u2019s going to run the show \/ he\u2019s going to be the top dog\u2014and I don\u2019t\u2014what do I do about that?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And he\u2019s declaring war\u2014sounds like. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> He\u2019s declaring war. You know: \u201cBeaches of Normandy, here we come!\u201d So, the mentor couple called me and said: \u201cWhat do we tell them? What do we do?\u201d Well, I kind of talked them through some of these very things.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what I want you to know\u2014two years later, I was speaking at a conference. A woman came up to me and she said, \u201cYou just told a story about \u2018The Marines have landed.\u2019\u201d I said, \u201cYes; that\u2019s how not to do it\u201d; and she said: \u201cWell, that\u2019s me. My mentors called you about <em>my<\/em> future marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And I said, \u201cSo what happened?\u201d Well, what happened was\u2014he came in, and the Marines landed\u2014he made the rules \/ he started barking. He expected people to jump when he said, \u201cJump.\u201d The kids, obviously, stood in opposition to that. His wife\u2014desperately wanting to support his new role\u2014wanting the kids to like him \/ wanting to kind of help connect them and build bridges\u2014but at the same time, she couldn\u2019t deal with his hostility \/ she couldn\u2019t feel good about that. She found herself kind of defending the kids and trying to speak for them. Eventually, it just began to really create a whole lot of stress in the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cOkay; so what happened?\u201d She said: \u201cWell, the first two years we just did that. We fought. It was ugly.\u201d \u201cAnd then what happened?\u201d I said. She said: \u201cWell, he finally came to me one day and he said he finally dug into some of your material, and he realized that he had made a mistake. He came to me and he apologized.\u201d I said, \u201cWow!\u201d And then, she said, \u201cHe went to my kids, and he apologized.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said: \u201cWow!! How\u2019s that going?\u201d She said: \u201cWell, they\u2019re healing. It\u2019s been about six months, and things are definitely getting better; but he had to back <em>way off<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here\u2019s the point\u2014he had to back <em>way off<\/em> from trying to be that authority figure who just <em>demands<\/em> that position.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The troops\u2014the troops had to leave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The troops had to leave, but listen to this\u2014she said, \u201cAnd when he did, I realized that I had backed off trying to counterbalance him. I wasn\u2019t being the authority I needed to be\u2014I wasn\u2019t elevating his status in my kids\u2019 eyes.\u201d She said, \u201cI had to step up.\u201d And I said, \u201cThat\u2019s exactly it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if we could write the prescription for somebody who is just starting out, that\u2019s what we would say: \u201cThe biological mom has the relational equity with her kids to change rules, to make things happen, and to elevate the status of her husband in their eyes. <em>He<\/em> needs to tread lightly. He needs to come in and get to know them, build a relationship, and establish himself as a man they can trust.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd when they trust him, Dennis, then they\u2019ll let him in deeper. And then he can take on more and more of an active, engaged servant leader in the home; but it\u2019s a role that he has to <em>grow<\/em> into with the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s a dance; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s a dance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> As you\u2019re describing this, there\u2019s kind of a fundamental, core concept that I\u2019m going to throw out here that I don\u2019t think a lot of blended couples think about; but they really need to wrestle with this. If they can\u2019t agree with what I\u2019m about to say, then they may need to step back and decide, \u201cShould we really consider a blended marriage?\u201d And that is this: \u201cIn a blended relationship, the relationship between the husband and the wife ultimately trumps the relationship between the parent and the biological children.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And if you can\u2019t get there, then you have no business blending a family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You hope that it never comes to a \u201cWhich would you choose?\u201d kind of a scenario; but at some point, the marriage really has to be the foundation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn order for that to happen, the biological parent\u2014in this case, the biological mom\u2014has to be willing to do some hard work with her kids\u2014to be willing to say, \u201cLook; I know you guys want me staying here, but I need to go out on a date with him.\u201d That\u2019s a strong statement of her commitment, and the solidarity of the marriage, <em>and<\/em> the stepdad\u2019s importance to the family as a unit. Kids\u2014some kids are just fine and dandy with that. Other kids will battle it, and fight it, and feel displaced, and be anxious and upset about that. You just have to kind of work with it slowly over time. It\u2019s never an \u201cI choose him over you.\u201d It\u2019s: \u201cI choose you <em>both<\/em>; but at the same time, this marriage is going to last forever.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love the story that Dr. Dan Allender tells. Now, he\u2019s not a stepfather; but one time, one of his kids asked\u2014if they were in a boat, and the boat capsized \/ and the kid went in the water and Becky, his wife, went in the water\u2014they asked Dan, \u201cWho would you rescue?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan said, \u201cThat\u2019s easy!\u201d He said: \u201cYour mother; and not only would I rescue her, I\u2019d be in the boat, drying her off.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> [Laughter] Wow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He wanted his child to understand <em>that<\/em> relationship has to be intact, pre-eminent\u2014obviously, the first relationship being that of Jesus Christ\u2014and both husband and wife \/ mom and dad submitting to him\u2014but the children are far more secure if they understand, whether they are a blended family or not a blended family, that the mom and dad are committed to one another, no matter <em>what<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Now, let me tell you something that is really confusing about this; because this is so central to the success of a blended family. Imagine you\u2019re a future stepdad. You\u2019ve met this woman \/ you\u2019ve fallen in love. You\u2019re dating kind of separate \/ apart from the kids. Your interaction with them is limited; it grows over time. You\u2019re kind of that fun-loving guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, you get married; and you transition into real blended family life. One of the things that you notice is very different is that this woman, who seemed to be enthralled and totally focused on you during courtship, all of a sudden, seems to be more of a mother than a wife.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t tell you how many men are really thrown by that. They <em>feel<\/em> like they got duped. They feel like: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here? She seems to be more interested in all the motherly activities and kids, and I\u2019m just kind of the afterthought at that point; but when we were dating, <em>man<\/em>, she was all about me.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a couple things about that. Dating tends to be unreal anyway. It tends to be kind of fantasy, and we tend to separate coupleness from familyness. So, it inherently moves her heart toward him; and all he sees is her being focused on him. But when she\u2019s at dinner with this guy, she\u2019s still thinking about her kids. Moms are totally always a mom\u2014right?\u2014but he doesn\u2019t necessarily experience her being that way. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut then, when they\u2019re all living together in the house, and she kind of shifts her attention to being mom and caretaking\u2014that can really be disillusioning for this guy. He needs to be careful and not over-judge her \/ not be quick to say: \u201cWait a minute. She\u2019s bailed on me. She\u2019s betraying me.\u201d No; I think she\u2019s just doing the hard work of balancing wife and mother roles. But at the same time, this woman needs to understand\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014that she needs to attend to him as her husband. She needs to be in tune with that need that he has and not just totally shift all of her time and energy to the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, Ron, I\u2019m just listening to you; and I have two thoughts. One is: \u201cIf I was a listener, contemplating divorce and thinking about busting up my family, I think I\u2019d go rethink it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014because we\u2019re talking about enormous complexities here if you trade this one in and go get a different one. And we\u2019re talking about things that are going to impact you, your kids, your future\u2014I mean, for generations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; if it\u2019s within your power, make that first marriage work.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right. But secondly, for those\u2014and it\u2019s not just for those who are blendeds who are listening right now\u2014but for all marriages and families: \u201cMarriage is a spiritual relationship. Yes; it\u2019s physical \/ yes, it\u2019s relational in terms of two human beings enjoying all the pleasures with one another; but it is a spiritual commitment between two people, and it takes <em>God<\/em> to make it work. God\u2019s power works best between two broken people, who have come to the conclusion that they are not the center of the universe \/ but that <em>He<\/em> is the center of all of life, and of submitting to Him and His Word, and getting busy building your home according to the Scripture.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know how marriages go the distance otherwise. I literally do not know how two broken, sinful, selfish human beings\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014can live with each other for ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years. Jesus Christ is the hope of your home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I hear you saying that, if a man\u2019s going to be a successful stepdad, he has to make sure, first of all, that his relationship with God is what God designed that to be\u2014that he is connected intimately with God; and then, your relationship\u2014as a husband with your wife\u2014that\u2019s got to be secure and solid as well. If those two things aren\u2019t in place, then trying to be stepfather to your stepchildren, you\u2019re trying to do that from a fragile foundation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why I think it is good for stepdads to start off with some wise counsel like what you have provided in your book, Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe book is called <em>The Smart Stepdad<\/em> by Ron Deal. We have copies of it in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go, online, to order at FamilyLife Today.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the website\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014and our number is 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say\u2014you may not be a stepdad yourself, but you probably know somebody in your church who is. Maybe you know somebody who is about to get married and become a stepdad. Maybe it\u2019s somebody in your neighborhood or in the office\u2014somebody that you\u2019d like to give a gift to and just say, \u201cI\u2019m cheering for you; praying for you; here for you.\u201d Order a copy of the book, <em>The Smart Stepdad,<\/em> and pass it on to somebody you know who could benefit from reading Ron\u2019s book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re interested in helping couples who are stepfamilies\u2014helping them succeed \/ helping them thrive in your local church or in your community\u2014let me invite you to join Ron Deal, and me, and others. We\u2019re going to be in Nashville, October 26<sup>th<\/sup> and 27<sup>th<\/sup>, for the 2017 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. This is a two-day event that\u2019s designed to help people who want to help others. Last year, I think we had three or four hundred people join us out in Colorado Springs\u2014it was a <em>great<\/em> event. This event has been growing every year, and we\u2019re hoping that you will join hundreds of others with us in Nashville, October 26<sup>th<\/sup> and 27<sup>th<\/sup>. There is more information, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. There is early-bird pricing available now. So, find out more and plan to be with us for the 2017 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just say a quick word of thanks to those of you who are faithful friends of this ministry\u2014those of you who are monthly Legacy Partners, who help support this ministry, month in and month out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour financial support is what makes it possible for us to extend the reach of FamilyLife to more and more people every year. In fact, we\u2019ve got a video screen in our office. I just walked by it on the way into the studio; and it shows how many people are online, reading articles at any moment in time. When I went by, there were 178 people on our website, reading articles about marriage and family. The top article being read right now was one about prodigal kids. As a supporter of this ministry, you\u2019re making it possible for us, at any given moment, to be reaching out all around the world with practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. And we\u2019re grateful for your partnership in that endeavor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re a regular listener and you\u2019ve never donated to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, why don\u2019t you join the team? Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and give a donation today or call 1-800-FL-TODAY, donate over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can mail your donation to us. Our mailing address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk about some of the challenges that stepdads face from outside the family\u2014ex-husband relationships. There\u2019s just a lot to consider as you step into the role of being a stepdad. Ron Deal is going to be back with us tomorrow. I hope you can be back with us as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. 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