{"id":304492,"date":"2017-05-05T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-05-05T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/managing-your-emotions\/"},"modified":"2017-05-05T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-05-05T15:00:00","slug":"managing-your-emotions","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/managing-your-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"Managing Your Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In order to manage what you feel, you need to be able to understand why you&#8217;re feeling it, explains authors and counselors David and Jan Stoop.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-05.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:36","filesize":"25.28M","filesize_raw":"26503200","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2873,2862,2881],"tags":[5161,6244,6245],"podcast_series":[8207],"cwp_profile":[9447,9453],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304492","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-understanding-differences","category-young-children","tag-emotions","tag-feelings","tag-understanding-emotions","podcast_series-smart-love","cwp_profile-david-stoop","cwp_profile-jan-stoop","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304492\/managing-your-emotions","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304492\/managing-your-emotions","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"WGvbknIw6m\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/managing-your-emotions\/\">Managing Your Emotions<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/managing-your-emotions\/embed\/#?secret=WGvbknIw6m\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Managing Your Emotions&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"WGvbknIw6m\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-05.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-05.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are there emotional habits or emotional patterns that reoccur in your marriage that are doing damage? Dr. David Stoop says, once you recognize that, you can begin the process of fixing the problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>One of the first action plans is to identify your basic emotional posture: \u201cWhere do you go when somebody punches your button and you\u2019re there before you even know it, in an emotion?\u201d Because if I can identify that, that\u2019s the first one I learn to manage \/ that\u2019s the first one I want to be able to handle effectively.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, May 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to help couples develop skill in handling emotions today. What we\u2019re talking about is called emotional intelligence. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019ve been having a conversation this week on the subject of emotional intelligence. You asked our guests to rate their emotional intelligence in the first decade of their marriage, and the scores were pretty low. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat was it for you [Dennis] in the first five years of your marriage; do you think? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>He\u2019s gone to meddling now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019ve walked right into this, Bob; because I have an illustration here. We\u2019ll both answer this; okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I would say, just based on the rookie nature of marriage\u20143 \u00bd \/ 4\u2014somewhere in there. I was very open, outgoing, kind of aware of what was happening\u2014compared to Barbara, who, I think, struggled to understand what she was feeling all the time. She might have been a 2. So, we were kind of the blind leading the blind, starting out our marriage together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat about you and Mary Ann?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think I really worked hard at trying to be empathetic, and I think Mary Ann was still trying to figure out some of what she was feeling when we started marriage. I think a lot of this relates to the family of origin you come from and what were the dynamics there as it relates to emotions. You start a marriage and, all of a sudden, there are a lot of things that come to life that you haven\u2019t really thought much about before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a couple of doctors with us, here in the studio\u2014Dr. Jan Stoop and her husband Dr. David Stoop\u2014welcome back to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Delighted to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You guys have been counselors for a number of years \/ married for 59 years. I want to provide just a theoretical story. I want you to do a little diagnosis on this story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, I have to remind you, this would not be accurate in any sense of the word. This would be\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In other words, he\u2019s telling a true story and changing the names to protect the guilty; right? That\u2019s what\u2019s happening. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Our ministry has speakers, who speak at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways; okay? We train the speakers and they go out and they speak. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe trained this one speaker, who I happened to be in close proximity to. I asked this speaker before he was about to speak, \u201cAre you nervous?\u201d He said, \u201cNo; I\u2019m not feeling any nerves about this.\u201d [Laughter] I said, \u201cDo you realize you\u2019ve just been to the bathroom four times in the last hour?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014half-hour\u2014I think it was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014half-hour! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It was a half-hour. Yes; yes;\u00a0 I think I remember this conversation having happened.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; so what would you say about that theoretical person about handling their emotions, at that point? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Either he was putting on a front\u2014a tough front that he\u2019s a tough guy\u2014and lying to you and lying to himself, or he didn\u2019t understand the whole world of emotions. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014or he had a problem. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It could have been that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you for some\u2014obviously, he\u2019s talking about the conversation we had before I spoke the first time. So, this is where all of this is coming from. I do remember\u2014I felt calm \/ I felt, \u201cI\u2019m ready to do this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And he looked calm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s just that he kept sprinting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There was not a lot of anxiety; but I did go, \u201cI need to use the bathroom again.\u201d There was something in my body\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It was somaticized, whatever you were feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It was what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Somaticized\u2014it was turned into a physical thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well\u2014and something going on\u2014my body knew what I was feeling better than my head knew what I was feeling. Do you think there are a lot of people like that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, I think so. If you don\u2019t understand the <em>language<\/em> of emotions, then you have no way to describe it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and people who feel that way are also highly intelligent and good looking; aren\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, yes; definitely. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Just making sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, for me, where I show this physical dimension of emotions is in my stomach\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014I get indigestion, and it\u2019s <em>real<\/em>. I have to take a step back and look at the dashboard of my life, at that point: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here? Why am I feeling \/ why am I displacing something into my digestive system?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, and see\u2014that\u2019s a part of managing what you feel\u2014is to be able to identify it and then to understand why it is that you\u2019re feeling that. So if you can back it up to understand what you were feeling, emotionally, and manage that\u2014then, you\u2019ve managed the physical manifestation as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s where I want to get today; because you guys have written this book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>, that\u2019s all about emotional intelligence in the marriage space. The first step, you say, toward a healthy emotional intelligence is being able to put your finger on what it is you\u2019re feeling \/ to give it a name\u2014to say, \u201cI know what I\u2019m feeling.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe next step is to figure out how to manage those emotions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is naming it half the battle, or is it more than half the battle?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, I think it\u2019s more than half the battle. You know, there\u2019s a power in naming something. You named your children\u2014you had the power to name them. You name your pets, you know. There\u2019s power in the name of Jesus that we don\u2019t even recognize half the time. There\u2019s power in names. There were early Old Testament cultures where you had a secret name\u2014your real name was secret\u2014and you had a public name, because they felt: \u201cIf you knew my real name, you\u2019d have power over me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo naming it is the first step in being able to manage it. Each step has a chapter where there are ten action plans. One of the first action plans is to identify your basic emotional posture: \u201cWhere do you go when somebody punches your button and you\u2019re there before you even know it, in an emotion?\u201d Because if I can identify that, that\u2019s the first one I want to learn to manage \/ that\u2019s the first one I want to be able to handle effectively, and then I can broaden it from there on out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first two steps are individually done, but you do them together. So there\u2019s a\u2014in going through the basic emotional posture, there are questions asked about your family of origin\u2014there are questions to ask about what was behind it. It\u2019s designed to discuss it with your wife or your husband so that you can come up with it\u2014help each other come up with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Tell them what yours is and I\u2019ll tell them mine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Mine\u2019s anger. I had to learn to manage my anger. My dad was from Ireland\u2014had an Irish temper. I knew how to be angry, because he showed me how. He often was angry with me, and so I became an angry young man. I thought I handled it, but I didn\u2019t handle it very well until I could identify it and manage what was going on inside of me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But David, I\u2019ve known you for several years\u2014we\u2019ve interacted on the broadcast. You seemed like just a very mild-mannered, gentle man. You\u2019re saying that, not necessarily, first impressions are where people struggle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No; that\u2019s right. But of course, you\u2019ve seen me now as I\u2019ve been older. When I was younger\u2014the first ten \/ fifteen years of our marriage\u2014and still, sometimes in our marriage, I can get angry without realizing I\u2019m angry. Boom! I\u2019m right there, because it\u2019s an automatic response. Calm on the outside; but you push a little too hard, and I get tense.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Jan, what is your emotional posture?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>It\u2019s fear. Really, through our writing this book was when I really began to look at that; because I have a fear of maybe not <em>having<\/em> what I need to have\u2014or you know what?\u2014my fear is that I\u2019ll be labeled as somebody who is like a hoarder or something, but I want to <em>know<\/em> where my life is going. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI realized, when I looked back\u2014a lot of times we do this with couples\u2014is have them go back to childhood and say, \u201cWhat is it that might have started that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I was about six or seven, we had an explosion in our house. My dad\u2019s car business was on the first level, and we lived above. When there was an explosion, because he was blowing out gas lines downstairs, and it destroyed everything\u2014we got <em>nothing<\/em> out\u2014not even a cloth \/ not anything. My mom and I were sitting on the porch, and we got away.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You got the cat with singed whiskers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>And the cat, with burned whiskers, got out. We never could have <em>anything<\/em> that was even representative of that. This is sort of silly, but my older sister had gotten me a snowsuit or snow jacket that was burgundy velvet with trim \/ fur on the collar. I, as a little girl, had hung that up on the doorway, because I looked at it all the time. I knew that, when it got cold, I would get to wear that; and it was gone, just like that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s just a little thing; but for some reason, it represented that things can be taken away; and I may not <em>have<\/em> what I think I have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sort of carry that. I have some things around, and I don\u2019t want to ever be labeled as somebody who has too much; but it bothers me when Dave throws out things without asking me. So, I get a fear. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Triggers her fear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; triggers that in me. But anyway, that\u2019s how I came to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to ask you a question that Barbara and I have found ourselves talking about, increasingly, because we\u2019ve been married for coming up on 45 years. We\u2019re looking at, obviously, getting older. As we look at the landscape of elderly people, it\u2019s interesting that you see very few elderly people that you\u2019d like to be, in their state of emotional condition. They seem gripey, grouchy, and negative. We\u2019ve both said: \u201cYou know what? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe want to display the fruit of the Spirit\u2014love, joy, peace, patience, kindness\u2014as we grow older.\u201d Do you have a best piece of advice, as you grow older, about managing your emotions?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Don\u2019t retire. I say I am sort of semi-retired. I still see\u2014counseling people; I still write books; we still speak whenever we get the opportunity. There\u2019s a sense of wanting to hold onto life, and be productive, and have meaning. I think a lot of people that we watch\u2014as they age, they just kind of fold up inside; and they fold down their emotions. The only emotion they have is probably sadness and despair. The despair is the loss of hope.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI look at Jeremiah\u2014in Chapter 3 of Lamentations\u2014and he is on the verge of despair. He says, \u201cAll hope is gone,\u201d in about the 19<sup>th<\/sup> verse; and then, a couple verses later, he says: \u201cBut this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s an attitude that we have to have. We have to think young\u2014we have to have an attitude that: \u201cGreat is God\u2019s faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning,\u201d regardless of how old we are and regardless of what handicaps we may have as we get older. Life is still a gift, and it\u2019s to be invested.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s good advice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So let me take both of you back to your core emotions. David, we\u2019ll start with your anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is it easy to just manage your anger? Is that something that somebody can just say, \u201cIf I do these two or three things, I have it under control\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No; a lot of it is you manage it with your thoughts. You know\u2014Paul talks about capturing your every thought and bringing it into obedience to Christ. He talks in Romans 12 about being \u201ctransformed by the renewal of our mind.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe manage emotions by understanding the language of emotions. There\u2019s a language to anger that says: \u201cSomething should or shouldn\u2019t have happened. There\u2019s a demand that I\u2019m making on life that I can\u2019t enforce.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t enforce it because it\u2019s either happened already in the past or it\u2019s something I\u2019m powerless to enforce. As long as it\u2019s a <em>demand<\/em>, then I\u2019m going to be struggling with my anger. So one of the things I have to learn to do is to remove the demand. You can replace it\u2014with a desire, with a wish, with a want\u2014and you can feel some sadness, briefly, as you grieve something that was done poorly or wish you could have done it differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFear is the language of \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That would be: What I have to do is\u2014I have to begin to trust the future and not worry so much about \u201cWhat if this happens,\u201d or \u201cWhat if I\u2019m alone,\u201d or whatever. It is a thing of changing your self-talk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s one of the strategies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; identifying it is freeing. That\u2019s a <em>big<\/em> thing in helping couples identify.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>But then identifying the root of it, too, is also the next part of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of my favorite quotes\u2014and I\u2019m not going to get it precisely, but\u2014Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones, years ago, said that we spend far too much time listening to ourselves and not enough time talking to ourselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s good!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You talked about self-talk, which can kind of sound like psychological jargon; but David, in the Psalms, talked to his own soul and told his, \u201cWhy are you downcast, my soul?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cPut your hope in God.\u201d We have to tell ourselves the truth in the midst of the fear that we face or the anger that we face. We have to realign our behavior to conform to what we know is true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes; David\u2019s a perfect example of how he talks to himself. He always ends up\u2014except in one Psalm \/ I think it\u2019s 82\u2014every other Psalm, he ends up with an affirmation of faith. Our faith has to be real; it has to be tangible; we have to <em>know<\/em> what we believe so that we can go to it and affirm it. That\u2019s the best way to control \/ to manage what I feel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>God does respond to faith.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes; He does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He does\u2014He responds to faith. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpeak to\u2014I\u2019m trying to decide whether to let you speak to the dad, who\u2019s talking to his 35-year-old son, who blows up on the phone at him and doesn\u2019t know what to do with his son, who\u2019s getting angry, or whether I should have you talk to the son. Let\u2019s start with the dad, because we have a lot of listeners, who have adult children, who are still in the process of, like all of us, growing up. Some of these areas are a part of growing up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, I think foundational to that is what the Old Testament called the blessing\u2014we call it, now, dad\u2019s approval. The blessing in the Old Testament launched the young men and young women into adulthood. Dad\u2019s approval is a replacement of it, and it launches us into adulthood. A lot of us, as dads, don\u2019t know how to give that approval to our sons; because we never got it from our dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of what I think I would tell that father is: \u201cTry to understand what it is that is triggering his anger. What is it a demand that he\u2019s making on you that he can\u2019t enforce? What does he want from you?\u201d Maybe even ask him in a more vulnerable moment\u2014say, \u201cWhat is that is missing from us that you keep wanting to experience from me?\u2014because I don\u2019t know how to read your mind. I know you\u2019re upset with me, right under the surface; and I want to be what you need me to be in your life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things I enjoy with my boys is that I\u2019ve built a relationship with them, where I get together with one every week for breakfast; with another one we get together together\u2014Jan and I\u2014with him for breakfast; and the other one every other week. It\u2019s a joy to be able to relate to my boys as man to man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Well, and in a different way than your dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>My dad never did it. He died at 22\u2014when I was 22\u2014so I never had that kind of relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Never got his approval.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No; and I had to come to terms with that\u2014I had to deal with that issue. That\u2019s what the son has to do\u2014is to deal with the issue of what he\u2019s longing for from his dad that he can\u2019t get and to identify it. And then, if they can have a good conversation together, then they might get close to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We had a conversation, more than 20 years ago, about your relationship with your dad\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014the approval\u2014when you wrote the book, <em>Making Peace with Your Father<\/em>, if our listeners would like to hear how you went through that process and how you did make peace with your father, even after he was gone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s a great broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It is; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It was easier after he was gone, because I didn\u2019t expect anything. But I think, if you approach it without expectation, it can be done even if he\u2019s alive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a mom, who has an emotionally expressive four-year-old, and she\u2019s trying to\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This is theoretical too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014she\u2019s trying to figure out: \u201cWhat do I do to try to help him manage his emotions? He\u2019s only four.\u201d Jan, is there hope?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Oh, definitely there\u2019s hope. Part of it is that we\u2019re not hearing the right messages from some of the people who really teach us about how to handle kids. A four-year-old needs to have that freedom a bit. We used to talk about\u2014I haven\u2019t heard this recently, but I don\u2019t know\u2014Dr. Dobson who talked about that\u2014but they said, \u201cPut a mental box around that kid and let them rebel as much as they want within the box, but don\u2019t let them get out\u2014outside of those boundaries.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Set limits.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Set limits. But there\u2019s plenty of room in here for that kid to get angry. The little one we have has been reprimanded by being bossy in kindergarten; and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWhere did that come from?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut she\u2019s exercising something that she didn\u2019t have control of before and this is new for her, so we\u2019re trying to see her through that. But for that four-year-old, I think so many parents just feel like they have to do it <em>right now<\/em>. They have to fix this so this kid doesn\u2019t get out of control later. I think that\u2014of course, I\u2019m the grandma speaking\u2014that they need limits, but further out, and not right up against them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>One of the things about that box is\u2014as they get older, you make the box bigger until they are18\u2014there are no more boxes, because now you trust them; because they\u2019ve honored the box along the way. But you keep adding responsibility to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I really like what you said about managing our emotions being tied to truth\u2014that reminding ourselves of what God\u2019s Word has to say what is true \/ renewing our minds, having the Scriptures available in our thinking\u2014that really does give us a handle to know how to walk through life and not let our emotions control us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s a good passage to read here on the broadcast\u2014Philippians, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChapter 4, verse 8: \u201cFinally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And go on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It finishes up and says, \u201cWhat you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s a great promise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s an <em>incredible<\/em> promise; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s not a theory\u2014that\u2019s a great promise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I just want to encourage our listeners: \u201cGet a copy of the book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019ll help you, it\u2019ll help your kids, your grandkids\u2014and I would imagine, Bob\u2014every listener knows someone who has a problem with anger, or with fear, or the other emotions that could benefit from the Stoops\u2019 book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and the book does include, as we\u2019ve talked about, action plans that can help you grow and understand your own emotions and your partner\u2019s emotions, and help you grow in how you manage those and how you express love to one another more effectively. We have copies of the book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can order <em>SMART Love<\/em> by calling 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tonight, we have <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> getaways kicking off in four cities. We have thousands of couples who are joining us in San Francisco; in Washington, DC; in eastern Washington \/ in Pasco, Washington; and right here in our hometown of Little Rock, Arkansas\u2014lots of couples who are joining us for what will be a fun, romantic getaway weekend for couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, we\u2019d like to ask you to pray for these couples as they spend their weekend with us; and then pray for us, here at FamilyLife, as we\u2019re involved in a project right now to try to keep the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> fresh and relevant for the future. It\u2019s just one of a number of projects that we\u2019re working on, currently, that we\u2019re hoping to be able to continue the momentum that has begun; but to do that, we\u2019ve recognized that, during the month of May, we\u2019re going to need to raise some funds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe need to raise $1.1 million this month in order to keep the projects that we have on track going forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we wanted to ask you, as a listener, to consider making a special one-time gift that would help us reach this goal that we\u2019ve set for the month of May. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can donate by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also send your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and the zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just ask you\u2014if you\u2019ve been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> yourself and it was helpful for your marriage, let me challenge you to make a one-time gift in support of this ministry and help us reach this $1.1 million goal that we have set for the month of May. And thanks, in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we\u2019re wrapped up for this week. I hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk with a college professor, who has observed, as he works with students, how few of them are thinking strategically \/ thinking wisely about the subject of marriage. He has some thoughts for them and for us about what it looks like to pursue marriage with wisdom. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t______________________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\"><u>donating today<\/u><\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:36"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.28M"],"filesize_raw":["26503200"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304492.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304492.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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order to manage what you feel, you need to be able to understand why you're feeling it, explains authors and counselors David and Jan Stoop.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are there emotional habits or emotional patterns that reoccur in your marriage that are doing damage? Dr. David Stoop says, once you recognize that, you can begin the process of fixing the problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>One of the first action plans is to identify your basic emotional posture: \u201cWhere do you go when somebody punches your button and you\u2019re there before you even know it, in an emotion?\u201d Because if I can identify that, that\u2019s the first one I learn to manage \/ that\u2019s the first one I want to be able to handle effectively.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, May 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to help couples develop skill in handling emotions today. What we\u2019re talking about is called emotional intelligence. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. We\u2019ve been having a conversation this week on the subject of emotional intelligence. You asked our guests to rate their emotional intelligence in the first decade of their marriage, and the scores were pretty low. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat was it for you [Dennis] in the first five years of your marriage; do you think? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>He\u2019s gone to meddling now.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019ve walked right into this, Bob; because I have an illustration here. We\u2019ll both answer this; okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I would say, just based on the rookie nature of marriage\u20143 \u00bd \/ 4\u2014somewhere in there. I was very open, outgoing, kind of aware of what was happening\u2014compared to Barbara, who, I think, struggled to understand what she was feeling all the time. She might have been a 2. So, we were kind of the blind leading the blind, starting out our marriage together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat about you and Mary Ann?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think I really worked hard at trying to be empathetic, and I think Mary Ann was still trying to figure out some of what she was feeling when we started marriage. I think a lot of this relates to the family of origin you come from and what were the dynamics there as it relates to emotions. You start a marriage and, all of a sudden, there are a lot of things that come to life that you haven\u2019t really thought much about before.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a couple of doctors with us, here in the studio\u2014Dr. Jan Stoop and her husband Dr. David Stoop\u2014welcome back to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Delighted to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You guys have been counselors for a number of years \/ married for 59 years. I want to provide just a theoretical story. I want you to do a little diagnosis on this story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, I have to remind you, this would not be accurate in any sense of the word. This would be\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In other words, he\u2019s telling a true story and changing the names to protect the guilty; right? That\u2019s what\u2019s happening. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Our ministry has speakers, who speak at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways; okay? We train the speakers and they go out and they speak. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe trained this one speaker, who I happened to be in close proximity to. I asked this speaker before he was about to speak, \u201cAre you nervous?\u201d He said, \u201cNo; I\u2019m not feeling any nerves about this.\u201d [Laughter] I said, \u201cDo you realize you\u2019ve just been to the bathroom four times in the last hour?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014half-hour\u2014I think it was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014half-hour! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It was a half-hour. Yes; yes;\u00a0 I think I remember this conversation having happened.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; so what would you say about that theoretical person about handling their emotions, at that point? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Either he was putting on a front\u2014a tough front that he\u2019s a tough guy\u2014and lying to you and lying to himself, or he didn\u2019t understand the whole world of emotions. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014or he had a problem. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It could have been that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThank you for some\u2014obviously, he\u2019s talking about the conversation we had before I spoke the first time. So, this is where all of this is coming from. I do remember\u2014I felt calm \/ I felt, \u201cI\u2019m ready to do this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And he looked calm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s just that he kept sprinting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There was not a lot of anxiety; but I did go, \u201cI need to use the bathroom again.\u201d There was something in my body\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It was somaticized, whatever you were feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It was what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Somaticized\u2014it was turned into a physical thing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well\u2014and something going on\u2014my body knew what I was feeling better than my head knew what I was feeling. Do you think there are a lot of people like that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, I think so. If you don\u2019t understand the <em>language<\/em> of emotions, then you have no way to describe it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and people who feel that way are also highly intelligent and good looking; aren\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, yes; definitely. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Just making sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, for me, where I show this physical dimension of emotions is in my stomach\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014I get indigestion, and it\u2019s <em>real<\/em>. I have to take a step back and look at the dashboard of my life, at that point: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on here? Why am I feeling \/ why am I displacing something into my digestive system?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, and see\u2014that\u2019s a part of managing what you feel\u2014is to be able to identify it and then to understand why it is that you\u2019re feeling that. So if you can back it up to understand what you were feeling, emotionally, and manage that\u2014then, you\u2019ve managed the physical manifestation as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s where I want to get today; because you guys have written this book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>, that\u2019s all about emotional intelligence in the marriage space. The first step, you say, toward a healthy emotional intelligence is being able to put your finger on what it is you\u2019re feeling \/ to give it a name\u2014to say, \u201cI know what I\u2019m feeling.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe next step is to figure out how to manage those emotions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is naming it half the battle, or is it more than half the battle?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, I think it\u2019s more than half the battle. You know, there\u2019s a power in naming something. You named your children\u2014you had the power to name them. You name your pets, you know. There\u2019s power in the name of Jesus that we don\u2019t even recognize half the time. There\u2019s power in names. There were early Old Testament cultures where you had a secret name\u2014your real name was secret\u2014and you had a public name, because they felt: \u201cIf you knew my real name, you\u2019d have power over me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo naming it is the first step in being able to manage it. Each step has a chapter where there are ten action plans. One of the first action plans is to identify your basic emotional posture: \u201cWhere do you go when somebody punches your button and you\u2019re there before you even know it, in an emotion?\u201d Because if I can identify that, that\u2019s the first one I want to learn to manage \/ that\u2019s the first one I want to be able to handle effectively, and then I can broaden it from there on out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first two steps are individually done, but you do them together. So there\u2019s a\u2014in going through the basic emotional posture, there are questions asked about your family of origin\u2014there are questions to ask about what was behind it. It\u2019s designed to discuss it with your wife or your husband so that you can come up with it\u2014help each other come up with it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Tell them what yours is and I\u2019ll tell them mine.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Mine\u2019s anger. I had to learn to manage my anger. My dad was from Ireland\u2014had an Irish temper. I knew how to be angry, because he showed me how. He often was angry with me, and so I became an angry young man. I thought I handled it, but I didn\u2019t handle it very well until I could identify it and manage what was going on inside of me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But David, I\u2019ve known you for several years\u2014we\u2019ve interacted on the broadcast. You seemed like just a very mild-mannered, gentle man. You\u2019re saying that, not necessarily, first impressions are where people struggle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No; that\u2019s right. But of course, you\u2019ve seen me now as I\u2019ve been older. When I was younger\u2014the first ten \/ fifteen years of our marriage\u2014and still, sometimes in our marriage, I can get angry without realizing I\u2019m angry. Boom! I\u2019m right there, because it\u2019s an automatic response. Calm on the outside; but you push a little too hard, and I get tense.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Jan, what is your emotional posture?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>It\u2019s fear. Really, through our writing this book was when I really began to look at that; because I have a fear of maybe not <em>having<\/em> what I need to have\u2014or you know what?\u2014my fear is that I\u2019ll be labeled as somebody who is like a hoarder or something, but I want to <em>know<\/em> where my life is going. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI realized, when I looked back\u2014a lot of times we do this with couples\u2014is have them go back to childhood and say, \u201cWhat is it that might have started that?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I was about six or seven, we had an explosion in our house. My dad\u2019s car business was on the first level, and we lived above. When there was an explosion, because he was blowing out gas lines downstairs, and it destroyed everything\u2014we got <em>nothing<\/em> out\u2014not even a cloth \/ not anything. My mom and I were sitting on the porch, and we got away.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You got the cat with singed whiskers.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>And the cat, with burned whiskers, got out. We never could have <em>anything<\/em> that was even representative of that. This is sort of silly, but my older sister had gotten me a snowsuit or snow jacket that was burgundy velvet with trim \/ fur on the collar. I, as a little girl, had hung that up on the doorway, because I looked at it all the time. I knew that, when it got cold, I would get to wear that; and it was gone, just like that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s just a little thing; but for some reason, it represented that things can be taken away; and I may not <em>have<\/em> what I think I have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sort of carry that. I have some things around, and I don\u2019t want to ever be labeled as somebody who has too much; but it bothers me when Dave throws out things without asking me. So, I get a fear. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Triggers her fear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; triggers that in me. But anyway, that\u2019s how I came to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to ask you a question that Barbara and I have found ourselves talking about, increasingly, because we\u2019ve been married for coming up on 45 years. We\u2019re looking at, obviously, getting older. As we look at the landscape of elderly people, it\u2019s interesting that you see very few elderly people that you\u2019d like to be, in their state of emotional condition. They seem gripey, grouchy, and negative. We\u2019ve both said: \u201cYou know what? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe want to display the fruit of the Spirit\u2014love, joy, peace, patience, kindness\u2014as we grow older.\u201d Do you have a best piece of advice, as you grow older, about managing your emotions?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Don\u2019t retire. I say I am sort of semi-retired. I still see\u2014counseling people; I still write books; we still speak whenever we get the opportunity. There\u2019s a sense of wanting to hold onto life, and be productive, and have meaning. I think a lot of people that we watch\u2014as they age, they just kind of fold up inside; and they fold down their emotions. The only emotion they have is probably sadness and despair. The despair is the loss of hope.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI look at Jeremiah\u2014in Chapter 3 of Lamentations\u2014and he is on the verge of despair. He says, \u201cAll hope is gone,\u201d in about the 19<sup>th<\/sup> verse; and then, a couple verses later, he says: \u201cBut this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. Great is His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s an attitude that we have to have. We have to think young\u2014we have to have an attitude that: \u201cGreat is God\u2019s faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning,\u201d regardless of how old we are and regardless of what handicaps we may have as we get older. Life is still a gift, and it\u2019s to be invested.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s good advice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So let me take both of you back to your core emotions. David, we\u2019ll start with your anger.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is it easy to just manage your anger? Is that something that somebody can just say, \u201cIf I do these two or three things, I have it under control\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No; a lot of it is you manage it with your thoughts. You know\u2014Paul talks about capturing your every thought and bringing it into obedience to Christ. He talks in Romans 12 about being \u201ctransformed by the renewal of our mind.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe manage emotions by understanding the language of emotions. There\u2019s a language to anger that says: \u201cSomething should or shouldn\u2019t have happened. There\u2019s a demand that I\u2019m making on life that I can\u2019t enforce.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can\u2019t enforce it because it\u2019s either happened already in the past or it\u2019s something I\u2019m powerless to enforce. As long as it\u2019s a <em>demand<\/em>, then I\u2019m going to be struggling with my anger. So one of the things I have to learn to do is to remove the demand. You can replace it\u2014with a desire, with a wish, with a want\u2014and you can feel some sadness, briefly, as you grieve something that was done poorly or wish you could have done it differently.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFear is the language of \u201cWhat if\u2026?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That would be: What I have to do is\u2014I have to begin to trust the future and not worry so much about \u201cWhat if this happens,\u201d or \u201cWhat if I\u2019m alone,\u201d or whatever. It is a thing of changing your self-talk. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s one of the strategies.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; identifying it is freeing. That\u2019s a <em>big<\/em> thing in helping couples identify.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>But then identifying the root of it, too, is also the next part of it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>One of my favorite quotes\u2014and I\u2019m not going to get it precisely, but\u2014Dr. Martin Lloyd-Jones, years ago, said that we spend far too much time listening to ourselves and not enough time talking to ourselves.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s good!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You talked about self-talk, which can kind of sound like psychological jargon; but David, in the Psalms, talked to his own soul and told his, \u201cWhy are you downcast, my soul?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cPut your hope in God.\u201d We have to tell ourselves the truth in the midst of the fear that we face or the anger that we face. We have to realign our behavior to conform to what we know is true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes; David\u2019s a perfect example of how he talks to himself. He always ends up\u2014except in one Psalm \/ I think it\u2019s 82\u2014every other Psalm, he ends up with an affirmation of faith. Our faith has to be real; it has to be tangible; we have to <em>know<\/em> what we believe so that we can go to it and affirm it. That\u2019s the best way to control \/ to manage what I feel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>God does respond to faith.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes; He does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He does\u2014He responds to faith. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSpeak to\u2014I\u2019m trying to decide whether to let you speak to the dad, who\u2019s talking to his 35-year-old son, who blows up on the phone at him and doesn\u2019t know what to do with his son, who\u2019s getting angry, or whether I should have you talk to the son. Let\u2019s start with the dad, because we have a lot of listeners, who have adult children, who are still in the process of, like all of us, growing up. Some of these areas are a part of growing up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, I think foundational to that is what the Old Testament called the blessing\u2014we call it, now, dad\u2019s approval. The blessing in the Old Testament launched the young men and young women into adulthood. Dad\u2019s approval is a replacement of it, and it launches us into adulthood. A lot of us, as dads, don\u2019t know how to give that approval to our sons; because we never got it from our dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of what I think I would tell that father is: \u201cTry to understand what it is that is triggering his anger. What is it a demand that he\u2019s making on you that he can\u2019t enforce? What does he want from you?\u201d Maybe even ask him in a more vulnerable moment\u2014say, \u201cWhat is that is missing from us that you keep wanting to experience from me?\u2014because I don\u2019t know how to read your mind. I know you\u2019re upset with me, right under the surface; and I want to be what you need me to be in your life.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things I enjoy with my boys is that I\u2019ve built a relationship with them, where I get together with one every week for breakfast; with another one we get together together\u2014Jan and I\u2014with him for breakfast; and the other one every other week. It\u2019s a joy to be able to relate to my boys as man to man.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Well, and in a different way than your dad.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>My dad never did it. He died at 22\u2014when I was 22\u2014so I never had that kind of relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Never got his approval.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No; and I had to come to terms with that\u2014I had to deal with that issue. That\u2019s what the son has to do\u2014is to deal with the issue of what he\u2019s longing for from his dad that he can\u2019t get and to identify it. And then, if they can have a good conversation together, then they might get close to it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We had a conversation, more than 20 years ago, about your relationship with your dad\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014the approval\u2014when you wrote the book, <em>Making Peace with Your Father<\/em>, if our listeners would like to hear how you went through that process and how you did make peace with your father, even after he was gone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s a great broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It is; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It was easier after he was gone, because I didn\u2019t expect anything. But I think, if you approach it without expectation, it can be done even if he\u2019s alive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a mom, who has an emotionally expressive four-year-old, and she\u2019s trying to\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This is theoretical too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014she\u2019s trying to figure out: \u201cWhat do I do to try to help him manage his emotions? He\u2019s only four.\u201d Jan, is there hope?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Oh, definitely there\u2019s hope. Part of it is that we\u2019re not hearing the right messages from some of the people who really teach us about how to handle kids. A four-year-old needs to have that freedom a bit. We used to talk about\u2014I haven\u2019t heard this recently, but I don\u2019t know\u2014Dr. Dobson who talked about that\u2014but they said, \u201cPut a mental box around that kid and let them rebel as much as they want within the box, but don\u2019t let them get out\u2014outside of those boundaries.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Set limits.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Set limits. But there\u2019s plenty of room in here for that kid to get angry. The little one we have has been reprimanded by being bossy in kindergarten; and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWhere did that come from?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut she\u2019s exercising something that she didn\u2019t have control of before and this is new for her, so we\u2019re trying to see her through that. But for that four-year-old, I think so many parents just feel like they have to do it <em>right now<\/em>. They have to fix this so this kid doesn\u2019t get out of control later. I think that\u2014of course, I\u2019m the grandma speaking\u2014that they need limits, but further out, and not right up against them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>One of the things about that box is\u2014as they get older, you make the box bigger until they are18\u2014there are no more boxes, because now you trust them; because they\u2019ve honored the box along the way. But you keep adding responsibility to them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I really like what you said about managing our emotions being tied to truth\u2014that reminding ourselves of what God\u2019s Word has to say what is true \/ renewing our minds, having the Scriptures available in our thinking\u2014that really does give us a handle to know how to walk through life and not let our emotions control us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s a good passage to read here on the broadcast\u2014Philippians, \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChapter 4, verse 8: \u201cFinally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And go on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It finishes up and says, \u201cWhat you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s a great promise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s an <em>incredible<\/em> promise; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s not a theory\u2014that\u2019s a great promise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I just want to encourage our listeners: \u201cGet a copy of the book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019ll help you, it\u2019ll help your kids, your grandkids\u2014and I would imagine, Bob\u2014every listener knows someone who has a problem with anger, or with fear, or the other emotions that could benefit from the Stoops\u2019 book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and the book does include, as we\u2019ve talked about, action plans that can help you grow and understand your own emotions and your partner\u2019s emotions, and help you grow in how you manage those and how you express love to one another more effectively. We have copies of the book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order the book from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can order <em>SMART Love<\/em> by calling 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tonight, we have <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> getaways kicking off in four cities. We have thousands of couples who are joining us in San Francisco; in Washington, DC; in eastern Washington \/ in Pasco, Washington; and right here in our hometown of Little Rock, Arkansas\u2014lots of couples who are joining us for what will be a fun, romantic getaway weekend for couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, we\u2019d like to ask you to pray for these couples as they spend their weekend with us; and then pray for us, here at FamilyLife, as we\u2019re involved in a project right now to try to keep the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> fresh and relevant for the future. It\u2019s just one of a number of projects that we\u2019re working on, currently, that we\u2019re hoping to be able to continue the momentum that has begun; but to do that, we\u2019ve recognized that, during the month of May, we\u2019re going to need to raise some funds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe need to raise $1.1 million this month in order to keep the projects that we have on track going forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we wanted to ask you, as a listener, to consider making a special one-time gift that would help us reach this goal that we\u2019ve set for the month of May. You can donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can donate by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also send your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and the zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just ask you\u2014if you\u2019ve been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> yourself and it was helpful for your marriage, let me challenge you to make a one-time gift in support of this ministry and help us reach this $1.1 million goal that we have set for the month of May. And thanks, in advance, for whatever you\u2019re able to do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we\u2019re wrapped up for this week. I hope you have a great weekend. I hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk with a college professor, who has observed, as he works with students, how few of them are thinking strategically \/ thinking wisely about the subject of marriage. He has some thoughts for them and for us about what it looks like to pursue marriage with wisdom. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t______________________________________________________________________________\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\"><u>donating today<\/u><\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304492","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304492"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304492"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304492"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304492"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}