{"id":304490,"date":"2017-05-04T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-05-04T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/why-god-gave-us-emotions\/"},"modified":"2017-05-04T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-05-04T15:00:00","slug":"why-god-gave-us-emotions","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-god-gave-us-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"Why God Gave Us Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When they first married, counselors David and Jan Stoop didn&#8217;t know what they were getting into. They didn&#8217;t understand the dynamics of their emotional world. Learn how they discovered the value of EQ.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-04.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:41","filesize":"25.34M","filesize_raw":"26572233","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2873,2862,2881],"tags":[2990,4584,4034,6243],"podcast_series":[8207],"cwp_profile":[9447,9453],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304490","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","category-understanding-differences","category-young-children","tag-anger","tag-fear","tag-newlyweds","tag-unmet-expectations","podcast_series-smart-love","cwp_profile-david-stoop","cwp_profile-jan-stoop","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304490\/why-god-gave-us-emotions","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304490\/why-god-gave-us-emotions","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"parbyKTlD7\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-god-gave-us-emotions\/\">Why God Gave Us Emotions<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/why-god-gave-us-emotions\/embed\/#?secret=parbyKTlD7\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Why God Gave Us Emotions&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"parbyKTlD7\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-04.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-04.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>All of us have feelings that come out in our marriage relationship. The question is: \u201cDo we know what those feelings are?\u00a0 Can we put <em>names<\/em> to those feelings?\u201d\u00a0 Here\u2019s Dr. David Stoop. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I had a couple come to me\u2014some years ago\u2014where, when she walked through the door, I said, \u201cMy doorframe charred from the heat of her anger\u201d; you know?\u00a0 She sat down, folded her arms, and slunk into the couch. I said, \u201cYou\u2019re very angry.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cHow astute!\u201d\u2014that was her response [Laughter]. So, we got to talking; and she started softening and crying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said to the husband\u2014I said, \u201cWhat are you feeling when you watch your wife weep like that?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cWell, I think\u2026\u201d\u2014I said, \u201cDon\u2019t tell me what you think \/ tell me what you feel.\u201d\u00a0 And there was silence\u2014he couldn\u2019t do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, May 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Understanding what we are feeling and understanding what our spouse is feeling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that can go a long way to having a better marriage. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m glad we\u2019re going to talk about what we\u2019re talking about today. I went to a conference\u2014this was about ten years ago\u2014and there was a speaker. A guy named Daniel Goleman, and he had just written a book on what was called <em>Emotional Intelligence<\/em>. You may have\u2014were you at this conference with me?\u00a0 Do you remember?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I took notes like crazy because I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s some good stuff.\u201d\u00a0 He was talking about how people, who are emotionally intelligent, do better in life than people who have knowledge\u2014who have I.Q. As he was talking, I thought\u2014I thought about myself \/ I thought about people I knew\u2014and I thought: \u201cThat explains this,\u201d \u201cThat explains that.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we\u2019ve got a couple with us today that are going to apply emotional intelligence to the marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s going to be helpful for a <em>lot<\/em> of listeners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think it is, and they\u2019re going to find out that your E.Q. is directly related to how successful you\u2019re going to be in your relationships and your work. Was I telling the truth?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jan: <\/strong>You sure are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright. That\u2019s a pair of counselors who just confirmed that I was saying the truth\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014with more than a little bit of experience. Dr. David Stoop and his wife, Dr. Jan Stoop, join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome\u2014welcome back to the broadcast. You guys\u2014you guys are in our top 25-year reel that we are doing this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>We\u2019re honored. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You were on the broadcast in 1993. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Oh my sakes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014and 2003; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you guys have three sons, six grandchildren\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and you have been married\u2014count them: 59 years. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>I knew you were going to say that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I guaranteed you\u2014I told you I wanted to honor you for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Thank you. <br><br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s an amazing accomplishment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>We were children when we got married. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; you were 12 years old. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s West Virginia. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you\u2019ve written a book that Bob was talking about here called <em>SMART Love: How Improving Your Emotional Intelligence Will Transform Your Marriage<\/em>. And I\u2019m going to add an additional phrase to that: \u201cit\u2019ll also help you equip your kids when they have relationships someday and they get married.\u201d\u00a0 If you do a good job, as a couple with your E.Q., you can pass that on to your children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Dr. Stoop, explain what emotional intelligence is. Can you give us just a working definition?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, emotional intelligence has four concepts within it: that I become aware of my emotions and what I\u2019m feeling; that I manage what I feel; and then that I become aware of what you\u2019re feeling, which is empathy; and then I manage the group\u2014that\u2019s been translated into the business world, primarily. You know, Goleman\u2014in Goleman\u2019s book\u2014he talked about family relationships, and nobody really picked\u2014well, I think there are some groups that talked about parenting; but nobody has really picked up on the family stuff, because it was almost taken over completely by the business world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you score one point higher on the test\u2014that they give in the business world\u2014that means you\u2019ll probably increase your income by $1,300 a year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can be changed\u2014emotional intelligence can change. I.Q. stays the same, pretty much through lifetime; but emotional intelligence can <em>grow<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a person with a <em>good<\/em> E.Q. has a good self-assessment \/ they\u2019re aware of what they\u2019re feeling. They can put words to it\u2014they know how to talk about it, how to feel, how to describe it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And then, they are aware how that\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, they manage it. They manage what they\u2019re feeling. Then, they are aware of what you are feeling \/ others are feeling. And then, they are aware of the emotional\u2014in the business world\u2014they are aware of the emotional temperature of the group in the trade\u2014in the business. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPeople with emotional intelligence\u2014they say it\u2019s probably the most important quality for a leader to have\u2014is emotional intelligence\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014better than anything else: training, leadership skills, whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It doesn\u2019t have anything to do with I.Q., though; correct?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Nothing to do with I.Q. and nothing to do with personality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have taken it and translated it into marriage. We have five competencies\u2014they mirror some of the <em>Emotional Intelligence<\/em>, because it\u2019s based on emotional intelligence: \u201cI\u2019m self-aware of my emotions,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s the \u201cS.\u201d\u00a0 The \u201cM\u201d is: \u201cI manage my emotions.\u201d\u00a0 The \u201cA\u201d is: \u201cI\u2019m accountable to myself, willingly accountable to my spouse, and accountable to other couples.\u201d\u00a0 Then, the \u201cR\u201d is: \u201cI can read your emotions,\u201d\u2014which is empathy. The \u201cT\u201d is: \u201cWe\u2019re comfortable together in the land of emotions,\u201d\u2014we call it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Jan, let me ask you\u2014when you and Dave first married, did you have good E.Q.?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>No\u2014just like that!\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 But we were young\u2014not 12\u2014but we were very young. [Laughter] I don\u2019t think we had any idea what we were getting into because\u2014well, we both came from a Christian home, and we just <em>assumed<\/em> that we would do well; didn\u2019t we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>We just sort of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014but we didn\u2019t do well those first few years. We had babies right away\u2014I had two sons within a year and, then, a third son. Dave was getting his degrees and being a pastor at the same time. I don\u2019t think we really understood what we were in for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, it wasn\u2019t around then either; but we sure didn\u2019t understand the emotional world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And most men are afraid of the emotional world. Maybe, they show it at work; but they never bring home their training\u2014somebody could be trained in emotional intelligence at work\u2014and very good at it\u2014but never build a bridge to bring it home. A lot of traits men have in success in a business world\u2014they forget that they are just as effective in the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we just kind of muddled through. When we hooked into this, it was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014it gave us a whole new dimension to understand each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talk about what our basic emotional posture is in the book and where we go, instinctively, when there is a stressful situation\u2014we go automatically. I automatically would go to anger, and Jan would automatically go to fear. Then, if we didn\u2019t manage those very well, her fear would turn into anger. Then, we\u2019d be in trouble like every other couple, where we\u2019re yelling at each other; you know?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What were you yelling at each other about?\u00a0 I mean, you guys describe your first ten years as the \u201cTribulation.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The \u201cGreat Tribulation.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; the \u201cGreat.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 So, what was the essence of that, besides being your rookie decade?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, I was in ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; tell them\u2014tell them who told you who you\u2019re married to.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I was in ministry. The training for the ministry role that I was in was a parachurch youth ministry. I was told that: \u201cMan; now, you\u2019re now married to the ministry.\u201d\u00a0 And that was a direct quote from what we were taught. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And I was dumb enough and na\u00efve enough to come home and tell Jan: \u201cGuess what?\u00a0 I\u2019m married to the ministry.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>To which you said?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>What did I say?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You said, \u201cI thought you were married to me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u201cOh! I thought you were married to <em>me<\/em>\u201d; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>But that was my priority; and so, my priorities were all messed up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, on a 1-to-10 point scale, I want you both to tell me where your E.Q. was\u20141 being pretty low and 10 being excellent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019d say mine was at a 1, if that high. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014as a husband?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014as a husband; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What about you, Jan?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Maybe 3\/4. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Definitely, not for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, as you bring that up, you said something, just a few minutes ago, David, about men not being good at emotions. Do you think wives, generally, have a higher E.Q. than their husbands do?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I think wives have a much higher E.Q. than husbands do with their friends\u2014their girlfriends\u2014but when it comes to the marriage relationship, I think the wife is\u2014out of her fear of the response she\u2019s going to get from her husband\u2014is probably just as inadequately prepared as the man is, emotionally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Or she holds back because she is not sure. A lot of women we talk to have tried to share their emotions, and they get shut down\u2014they figure, \u201cI\u2019m not going to do that again.\u201d\u00a0 Or it sets off more anger in that relationship because they do share. So, of course, we get sort of intimidated by that, and we don\u2019t want to say that again or tell him what I\u2019m feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>So, the husband and the wife really come at the marriage, both, ill-equipped, emotionally, to make it work\u2014not that their emotional intelligence is less\u2014but because of the reaction that the woman has to the man\u2019s reaction, they\u2019re both on very difficult ground. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I personally believe the emotional arena is one of the least understood within the Christian community. We talk about how God created man and woman in His image. We understand that that has a sexual dimension to it\u2014maleness and femaleness. We understand there is also the spiritual dimension that God gave man to reflect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s clear to me, emotionally\u2014God expresses a lot of emotions\u2014and we, as human beings, don\u2019t know what to do with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; we truly believe that He made us as emotional beings\u2014that it\u2019s okay to show emotions. We also have to understand why God gave us the emotions\u2014so that we could operate better in this world, not worse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, the theorists pretty much agree that there are six basic emotions. Anger, fear, shame \/ sometimes called disgust, and sadness\u2014are the ones that get us in trouble. Then, there is joy; and there is surprise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, God shows anger. A lot of people are upset with God because He is so angry in the Old Testament. God shows\u2014He doesn\u2019t show fear because He is God \/ He\u2019s omnipotent. He doesn\u2019t show shame, because He\u2019s not evil; He\u2019s pure. He shows sadness. You see sadness in the Prophets a lot of times, where God was saddened that He made man. And He shows joy, because there\u2019s joy in heaven when somebody enters the kingdom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t think He is surprised by anything, because He\u2019s omniscient. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThree out of those six emotions are expressed by God, and we even have trouble allowing ourselves to express our emotions to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want you to comment on something; because I think some men \/ some women enter into a marriage relationship\u2014not only not understanding their own emotions\u2014but when it comes to being able to articulate what they\u2019re feeling, they don\u2019t know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Early in our marriage, I was very expressive. I would express certain things to Barbara, and I was pretty much in touch with what I was feeling. If Barbara was here today, I think she\u2019d say, \u201cI didn\u2019t know what I was feeling.\u201d\u00a0 I would ask her, \u201cWhat are you feeling, Sweetheart?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know what it is I am feeling.\u201d\u00a0 It may have been anger; it may have been fear; it may have been disgust\u2014as you talked about\u2014but she needed some \/ a safe place to begin to demonstrate her emotions and <em>learn<\/em> what they were. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat really is what marriage is all about\u2014two people learning, together, how to love one another and be a safe place\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Safe haven. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to express your emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and it is Step One. If you want to develop emotional intelligence, Step One is: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to know what emotions are. You\u2019ve got know how to name them. You\u2019ve got to know how to be free with them and express them; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Several places in the book, we have a chart that shows the feelings that go with the basic emotions; but I add a couple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; this is important. At the top of the chart, we see those six emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Then, under each one we give about\u2014what?\u2014eight or ten\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014eight or ten feeling words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014feeling words that go with that emotion, which is really helpful because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, here is \u201cAnger.\u201d Underneath it, you\u2019ve got: \u201cfurious, enraged, irate, seething, upset, frustrated\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a Christian\u2019s favorite word when they\u2019re angry: \u201cI\u2019m not angry\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u201cI\u2019m frustrated,\u201d\u2014well, that\u2019s anger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cannoyed, irritated, touchy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr here is \u201cFear\u201d: \u201cI\u2019m terrified,\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m panicky,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m apprehensive,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m nervous,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m timid,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m anxious.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re saying there are words that you can kind of put your finger on and say, \u201cWell, maybe, I\u2019m feeling a little hopeless right now,\u201d\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014that\u2019s a form of sadness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>And some people aren\u2019t willing\u2014because they feel like it\u2019s not proper to say, \u201cI\u2019m angry,\u201d\u2014and they might be feeling these other feeling words; but they\u2019re categorized as anger. I don\u2019t really think I was able to express my emotions\u2014even though before we talked, I thought I did\u2014but I don\u2019t think that I really knew what I felt, and I didn\u2019t think it was safe\u2014yes\u2014to be that kind of a person who talked about being upset or angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And our parents weren\u2019t emotionally expressive. I never\u2014the only thing I saw from my dad was anger, which meant that I could do anger; but I couldn\u2019t do much else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we suggest is that people make a copy of that chart, and laminate it, and carry it around so they can talk about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had a couple come to me\u2014some years ago\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014where, when she walked through the door, I said, \u201cMy doorframe charred from the heat of her anger\u201d; you know?\u00a0 She sat down, folded her arms, and slunk into the couch. I said, \u201cYou\u2019re very angry.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cHow astute!\u201d\u2014that was her response. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Kind of scorched you back, right off the bat; huh?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>She didn\u2019t want to be there. We got to talking, and she started softening and crying. I said to the husband\u2014I said, \u201cWhat are you feeling when you watch your wife weep like that?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cWell, I think\u2026\u201d\u2014I said, \u201cDon\u2019t tell me what you think \/ tell me what you feel.\u201d And there was silence\u2014he couldn\u2019t do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I took that list\u2014or a list like that\u2014and I said, \u201cDo you feel this?\u201d\u2014you know. He said, \u201cYes,\u201d or \u201cNo,\u201d to \u201cDo you feel\u2026?\u201d I went down a list of words, and he could identify them if I gave him the language. A lot of times we don\u2019t have the language\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014to articulate or to express it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of what I wanted <em>her<\/em> to see was he was emotionally challenged. [Laugher]He didn\u2019t even know the <em>language<\/em> of emotions. It was like Greek to him, and she doesn\u2019t understand Greek. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey were totally missing each other; and that\u2019s not that uncommon, unfortunately. In marriages today\u2014they say, \u201cWe don\u2019t know how to reach across the aisle to each other,\u201d emotionally, in a meaningful way and in a safe way, as you mentioned earlier. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s not a matter of intelligence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They literally may not know\u2014they can\u2019t name\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014what they\u2019re feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, instead of putting the person down\u2014becoming the arms of Christ, who reach out to say, \u201cI want to be tenderhearted, kind to you, forgiving of you when you misapply your emotions.\u201d The family unit is <em>incredibly powerful<\/em>\u2014both husband and wife\u2014for learning this\u2014but also with children as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>One of the things they are trying to teach children today is: \u201cPut your emotions in words: \u2018If you\u2019re angry, don\u2019t hit your brother. Put it in words. Tell me what you\u2019re angry about.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Then, they listen to them \/ if they honor whatever they say, and they are teaching them how to identify what they\u2019re feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s a healthy move. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We had six kids. I won\u2019t tell you which one it was that had a problem showing their anger through biting, but their last name was Rainey. [Laughter]\u00a0 If you had a child\u2014who was biting, or hitting, or throwing things\u2014and let\u2019s say they are three or four years of age, what would a conversation be with a little child who is older than a toddler?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ask Grandma how she\u2019d handle this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s what I want to know. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019d offer them Jelly Belly<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>s; wouldn\u2019t you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>I do have a five-year-old\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014who is angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014who is angry. We\u2019re trying to figure that out ourselves; but we\u2019re also trying to teach her, when we have her\u2014we have her a lot, because they don\u2019t live very far from us\u2014not to have to be angry. There are others ways to talk to me about it. We say, \u201cWhat\u2019s bothering you right now?\u201d\u00a0 And she\u2019s old enough\u2014maybe, four would be difficult; but five\u2014she\u2019s able to come up with some things. She told me about a babysitter\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014who really did a really hard thing with her and caused her to fall on her bike and all that\u2014but if I can get her to talk about those things, it really helps her be free with me, at least, and going to be freer with her mom and dad too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It lowers the language of her frustrations, as well; because she\u2019s had somebody listen to, and hear it, and affirm it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay; I\u2019m going to give both of you an assignment. I\u2019m going to ask you, Jan, to speak to the husbands, who are listening right now, who may be married to a wife who doesn\u2019t know how to express her emotions; and it baffles the husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He just goes, \u201cWhat do I do?\u201d What\u2019s the single, best piece of advice you would give a husband in loving his wife?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And this would be the husband who, when he says to his wife, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u201cNothing.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014she says: \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know\u201d; and he goes, \u201cHow can you not <em>know<\/em> what\u2019s wrong?!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>[Laughter] Well, I\u2019m going\u2014really, though, copy something that Dave tells them; because it works for me too. If I could say to that husband: \u201cWatch my face. Tell me what you see on my face. I want you to make a note of what you see; because when I look like this, I\u2019m showing emotion.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ve really gotten into how the facial features show the emotion. You can go ahead and tell them about who is it that has studied this so many times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, [Paul] Ekman from the University of San Francisco talks about emotions <em>revealed. <\/em>The universal language of the emotions is the face. So, I tell husbands in a workshop: \u201cYou\u2019re going to have to learn to be comfortable in the world of emotions. The way you start is watch your wife\u2019s face. When you see a look you don\u2019t understand, say, \u2018What are you feeling right now?\u2019 Make a notebook and draw a picture of her look and write the emotion.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Make sure it\u2019s a good picture, by the way; or you\u2019ll have some more emotions to deal with. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You can keep it hidden. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Well, I guess further, into that, I would tell him that: \u201cI\u2019m afraid to say what my emotion is because it\u2019s not been safe in the past,\u201d and \u201cI don\u2019t want to cause things to be harder or more\u2014we don\u2019t want to really fight about it. So, I\u2019m quiet. If you would just be open to it, and not correct me when I say something or get upset. Also, if I say what I\u2019m feeling, just let me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright; David, you speak to the wife, who may be married to a husband who is kind of locked up and, maybe, he just swings from one peril of the pendulum to the other\u2014anger, and coldness, and silence. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, one of the things that I\u2019d want you to understand, if you are the wife, is that he is afraid. You don\u2019t believe that he is afraid, but he\u2019s afraid of what he\u2019s feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you press him and you push on it, you\u2019re going to hit anger because\u2014you\u2019ve got to start with the assumption that he\u2019s afraid, because men cover up their fear with anger. They are afraid, primarily, of being a failure. So, if you start to challenge him \/ you start to question him in any way that makes him feel like a failure, you\u2019re working against getting the information you want. So, back down \/ slow down\u2014recognize that he\u2019s operating out of fear. In spite of what he says, he\u2019s a scared little boy. Treat him like you would a scared little boy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s great advice!\u00a0 I do think men are a whole lot more insecure and fearful than we understand. It is the wise woman who knows how to believe in her husband, and love him, and create a safe haven for him to be imperfect and not reject him. That\u2019s really what Christian marriage is all about, Bob. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019re saying that a lot of what comes out as anger may be hurt or fear in a husband\u2019s heart. It\u2019s just that anger is the only way he knows how to express it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Exactly. And that\u2019s why a book like what the Stoops have written here, <em>SMART Love<\/em>\u2014I think a lot of people really do love each other \/ they just need some equipping, by a couple, who have been around the barn\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014the block. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014or block a few extra times. And this book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>, would really be a great book to take on a planning weekend, on a getaway, a date night\u2014and just take a chapter at a time. Maybe, read it in advance\u2014you take one color pen, and he takes the other. You write down your notes, and then get together and talk about it, and then move on to the next chapter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to order <em>SMART Love: How Improving Your Emotional Intelligence Will Transform Your Marriage<\/em>. It\u2019s by Drs. David and Jan Stoop. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can order, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order at 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I imagine you have a busy summer in front of you and your family. We have a lot of plans for our summer, here at FamilyLife. We are in the middle of working on a number of projects that we hope to make some great progress on over the course of the summer. We\u2019re working on some upgrades to our website. We\u2019re talking about improving our mobile app, working on renovations to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> getaway; and we\u2019re working on a new video series called FamilyLife\u2019s <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>. In fact, there\u2019s a clip on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com if you\u2019d like to get a little sneak preview of some of what that work is starting to look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019ve realized, as we head into the summer months, is that for us to stay on track with these projects and others, we\u2019re going to need to ask our listeners to help us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we need to raise $1.1 million during the month of May in order to keep everything on track over the course of the summer. The good news is we have had a group of friends who have agreed that they will match the first $150,000 given toward that goal. If you\u2019re able to contribute today, your donation will be matched, dollar for dollar, as we work our way toward our May goal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWould you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and make a donation to help us maintain the momentum on these projects and to keep <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> strong and stable as we head into the summer months?\u00a0 You can give, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; you can give by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY; or if you\u2019d like to mail a donation to us, you can do that as well. Our mailing address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk more about how we can cultivate emotional intelligence in our marriage\u2014what we can do to get <em>smarter<\/em> in the area of our feelings toward one another. Dave and Jan Stoop will be back with us tomorrow. I hope you can be back as well. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:41"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.34M"],"filesize_raw":["26572233"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304490.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304490.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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they first married, counselors David and Jan Stoop didn't know what they were getting into. They didn't understand the dynamics of their emotional world. Learn how they discovered the value of EQ.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-05-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>All of us have feelings that come out in our marriage relationship. The question is: \u201cDo we know what those feelings are?\u00a0 Can we put <em>names<\/em> to those feelings?\u201d\u00a0 Here\u2019s Dr. David Stoop. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I had a couple come to me\u2014some years ago\u2014where, when she walked through the door, I said, \u201cMy doorframe charred from the heat of her anger\u201d; you know?\u00a0 She sat down, folded her arms, and slunk into the couch. I said, \u201cYou\u2019re very angry.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cHow astute!\u201d\u2014that was her response [Laughter]. So, we got to talking; and she started softening and crying. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said to the husband\u2014I said, \u201cWhat are you feeling when you watch your wife weep like that?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cWell, I think\u2026\u201d\u2014I said, \u201cDon\u2019t tell me what you think \/ tell me what you feel.\u201d\u00a0 And there was silence\u2014he couldn\u2019t do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, May 4<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Understanding what we are feeling and understanding what our spouse is feeling\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that can go a long way to having a better marriage. We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m glad we\u2019re going to talk about what we\u2019re talking about today. I went to a conference\u2014this was about ten years ago\u2014and there was a speaker. A guy named Daniel Goleman, and he had just written a book on what was called <em>Emotional Intelligence<\/em>. You may have\u2014were you at this conference with me?\u00a0 Do you remember?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I took notes like crazy because I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s some good stuff.\u201d\u00a0 He was talking about how people, who are emotionally intelligent, do better in life than people who have knowledge\u2014who have I.Q. As he was talking, I thought\u2014I thought about myself \/ I thought about people I knew\u2014and I thought: \u201cThat explains this,\u201d \u201cThat explains that.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we\u2019ve got a couple with us today that are going to apply emotional intelligence to the marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think it\u2019s going to be helpful for a <em>lot<\/em> of listeners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think it is, and they\u2019re going to find out that your E.Q. is directly related to how successful you\u2019re going to be in your relationships and your work. Was I telling the truth?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Jan: <\/strong>You sure are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright. That\u2019s a pair of counselors who just confirmed that I was saying the truth\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014with more than a little bit of experience. Dr. David Stoop and his wife, Dr. Jan Stoop, join us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome\u2014welcome back to the broadcast. You guys\u2014you guys are in our top 25-year reel that we are doing this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>We\u2019re honored. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You were on the broadcast in 1993. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Oh my sakes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014and 2003; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you guys have three sons, six grandchildren\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and you have been married\u2014count them: 59 years. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>I knew you were going to say that. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I guaranteed you\u2014I told you I wanted to honor you for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Thank you. <br><br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s an amazing accomplishment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>We were children when we got married. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; you were 12 years old. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>That\u2019s West Virginia. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you\u2019ve written a book that Bob was talking about here called <em>SMART Love: How Improving Your Emotional Intelligence Will Transform Your Marriage<\/em>. And I\u2019m going to add an additional phrase to that: \u201cit\u2019ll also help you equip your kids when they have relationships someday and they get married.\u201d\u00a0 If you do a good job, as a couple with your E.Q., you can pass that on to your children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Dr. Stoop, explain what emotional intelligence is. Can you give us just a working definition?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, emotional intelligence has four concepts within it: that I become aware of my emotions and what I\u2019m feeling; that I manage what I feel; and then that I become aware of what you\u2019re feeling, which is empathy; and then I manage the group\u2014that\u2019s been translated into the business world, primarily. You know, Goleman\u2014in Goleman\u2019s book\u2014he talked about family relationships, and nobody really picked\u2014well, I think there are some groups that talked about parenting; but nobody has really picked up on the family stuff, because it was almost taken over completely by the business world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you score one point higher on the test\u2014that they give in the business world\u2014that means you\u2019ll probably increase your income by $1,300 a year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can be changed\u2014emotional intelligence can change. I.Q. stays the same, pretty much through lifetime; but emotional intelligence can <em>grow<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a person with a <em>good<\/em> E.Q. has a good self-assessment \/ they\u2019re aware of what they\u2019re feeling. They can put words to it\u2014they know how to talk about it, how to feel, how to describe it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And then, they are aware how that\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, they manage it. They manage what they\u2019re feeling. Then, they are aware of what you are feeling \/ others are feeling. And then, they are aware of the emotional\u2014in the business world\u2014they are aware of the emotional temperature of the group in the trade\u2014in the business. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPeople with emotional intelligence\u2014they say it\u2019s probably the most important quality for a leader to have\u2014is emotional intelligence\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014better than anything else: training, leadership skills, whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It doesn\u2019t have anything to do with I.Q., though; correct?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Nothing to do with I.Q. and nothing to do with personality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have taken it and translated it into marriage. We have five competencies\u2014they mirror some of the <em>Emotional Intelligence<\/em>, because it\u2019s based on emotional intelligence: \u201cI\u2019m self-aware of my emotions,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s the \u201cS.\u201d\u00a0 The \u201cM\u201d is: \u201cI manage my emotions.\u201d\u00a0 The \u201cA\u201d is: \u201cI\u2019m accountable to myself, willingly accountable to my spouse, and accountable to other couples.\u201d\u00a0 Then, the \u201cR\u201d is: \u201cI can read your emotions,\u201d\u2014which is empathy. The \u201cT\u201d is: \u201cWe\u2019re comfortable together in the land of emotions,\u201d\u2014we call it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Jan, let me ask you\u2014when you and Dave first married, did you have good E.Q.?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>No\u2014just like that!\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 But we were young\u2014not 12\u2014but we were very young. [Laughter] I don\u2019t think we had any idea what we were getting into because\u2014well, we both came from a Christian home, and we just <em>assumed<\/em> that we would do well; didn\u2019t we?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>We just sort of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014but we didn\u2019t do well those first few years. We had babies right away\u2014I had two sons within a year and, then, a third son. Dave was getting his degrees and being a pastor at the same time. I don\u2019t think we really understood what we were in for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, it wasn\u2019t around then either; but we sure didn\u2019t understand the emotional world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And most men are afraid of the emotional world. Maybe, they show it at work; but they never bring home their training\u2014somebody could be trained in emotional intelligence at work\u2014and very good at it\u2014but never build a bridge to bring it home. A lot of traits men have in success in a business world\u2014they forget that they are just as effective in the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut we just kind of muddled through. When we hooked into this, it was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014it gave us a whole new dimension to understand each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe talk about what our basic emotional posture is in the book and where we go, instinctively, when there is a stressful situation\u2014we go automatically. I automatically would go to anger, and Jan would automatically go to fear. Then, if we didn\u2019t manage those very well, her fear would turn into anger. Then, we\u2019d be in trouble like every other couple, where we\u2019re yelling at each other; you know?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What were you yelling at each other about?\u00a0 I mean, you guys describe your first ten years as the \u201cTribulation.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The \u201cGreat Tribulation.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; the \u201cGreat.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 So, what was the essence of that, besides being your rookie decade?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, I was in ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; tell them\u2014tell them who told you who you\u2019re married to.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I was in ministry. The training for the ministry role that I was in was a parachurch youth ministry. I was told that: \u201cMan; now, you\u2019re now married to the ministry.\u201d\u00a0 And that was a direct quote from what we were taught. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And I was dumb enough and na\u00efve enough to come home and tell Jan: \u201cGuess what?\u00a0 I\u2019m married to the ministry.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>To which you said?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>What did I say?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You said, \u201cI thought you were married to me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u201cOh! I thought you were married to <em>me<\/em>\u201d; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>But that was my priority; and so, my priorities were all messed up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, on a 1-to-10 point scale, I want you both to tell me where your E.Q. was\u20141 being pretty low and 10 being excellent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, I\u2019d say mine was at a 1, if that high. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014as a husband?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014as a husband; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What about you, Jan?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Maybe 3\/4. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Definitely, not for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, as you bring that up, you said something, just a few minutes ago, David, about men not being good at emotions. Do you think wives, generally, have a higher E.Q. than their husbands do?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I think wives have a much higher E.Q. than husbands do with their friends\u2014their girlfriends\u2014but when it comes to the marriage relationship, I think the wife is\u2014out of her fear of the response she\u2019s going to get from her husband\u2014is probably just as inadequately prepared as the man is, emotionally.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Or she holds back because she is not sure. A lot of women we talk to have tried to share their emotions, and they get shut down\u2014they figure, \u201cI\u2019m not going to do that again.\u201d\u00a0 Or it sets off more anger in that relationship because they do share. So, of course, we get sort of intimidated by that, and we don\u2019t want to say that again or tell him what I\u2019m feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>So, the husband and the wife really come at the marriage, both, ill-equipped, emotionally, to make it work\u2014not that their emotional intelligence is less\u2014but because of the reaction that the woman has to the man\u2019s reaction, they\u2019re both on very difficult ground. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I personally believe the emotional arena is one of the least understood within the Christian community. We talk about how God created man and woman in His image. We understand that that has a sexual dimension to it\u2014maleness and femaleness. We understand there is also the spiritual dimension that God gave man to reflect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s clear to me, emotionally\u2014God expresses a lot of emotions\u2014and we, as human beings, don\u2019t know what to do with them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; we truly believe that He made us as emotional beings\u2014that it\u2019s okay to show emotions. We also have to understand why God gave us the emotions\u2014so that we could operate better in this world, not worse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, the theorists pretty much agree that there are six basic emotions. Anger, fear, shame \/ sometimes called disgust, and sadness\u2014are the ones that get us in trouble. Then, there is joy; and there is surprise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, God shows anger. A lot of people are upset with God because He is so angry in the Old Testament. God shows\u2014He doesn\u2019t show fear because He is God \/ He\u2019s omnipotent. He doesn\u2019t show shame, because He\u2019s not evil; He\u2019s pure. He shows sadness. You see sadness in the Prophets a lot of times, where God was saddened that He made man. And He shows joy, because there\u2019s joy in heaven when somebody enters the kingdom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t think He is surprised by anything, because He\u2019s omniscient. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThree out of those six emotions are expressed by God, and we even have trouble allowing ourselves to express our emotions to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want you to comment on something; because I think some men \/ some women enter into a marriage relationship\u2014not only not understanding their own emotions\u2014but when it comes to being able to articulate what they\u2019re feeling, they don\u2019t know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Early in our marriage, I was very expressive. I would express certain things to Barbara, and I was pretty much in touch with what I was feeling. If Barbara was here today, I think she\u2019d say, \u201cI didn\u2019t know what I was feeling.\u201d\u00a0 I would ask her, \u201cWhat are you feeling, Sweetheart?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know what it is I am feeling.\u201d\u00a0 It may have been anger; it may have been fear; it may have been disgust\u2014as you talked about\u2014but she needed some \/ a safe place to begin to demonstrate her emotions and <em>learn<\/em> what they were. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat really is what marriage is all about\u2014two people learning, together, how to love one another and be a safe place\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Safe haven. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014to express your emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and it is Step One. If you want to develop emotional intelligence, Step One is: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to know what emotions are. You\u2019ve got know how to name them. You\u2019ve got to know how to be free with them and express them; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Several places in the book, we have a chart that shows the feelings that go with the basic emotions; but I add a couple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes; this is important. At the top of the chart, we see those six emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Then, under each one we give about\u2014what?\u2014eight or ten\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014eight or ten feeling words. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014feeling words that go with that emotion, which is really helpful because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, here is \u201cAnger.\u201d Underneath it, you\u2019ve got: \u201cfurious, enraged, irate, seething, upset, frustrated\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a Christian\u2019s favorite word when they\u2019re angry: \u201cI\u2019m not angry\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u201cI\u2019m frustrated,\u201d\u2014well, that\u2019s anger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cannoyed, irritated, touchy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr here is \u201cFear\u201d: \u201cI\u2019m terrified,\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m panicky,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m apprehensive,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m nervous,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m timid,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m anxious.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re saying there are words that you can kind of put your finger on and say, \u201cWell, maybe, I\u2019m feeling a little hopeless right now,\u201d\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014that\u2019s a form of sadness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>And some people aren\u2019t willing\u2014because they feel like it\u2019s not proper to say, \u201cI\u2019m angry,\u201d\u2014and they might be feeling these other feeling words; but they\u2019re categorized as anger. I don\u2019t really think I was able to express my emotions\u2014even though before we talked, I thought I did\u2014but I don\u2019t think that I really knew what I felt, and I didn\u2019t think it was safe\u2014yes\u2014to be that kind of a person who talked about being upset or angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>And our parents weren\u2019t emotionally expressive. I never\u2014the only thing I saw from my dad was anger, which meant that I could do anger; but I couldn\u2019t do much else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we suggest is that people make a copy of that chart, and laminate it, and carry it around so they can talk about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had a couple come to me\u2014some years ago\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014where, when she walked through the door, I said, \u201cMy doorframe charred from the heat of her anger\u201d; you know?\u00a0 She sat down, folded her arms, and slunk into the couch. I said, \u201cYou\u2019re very angry.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cHow astute!\u201d\u2014that was her response. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Kind of scorched you back, right off the bat; huh?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>She didn\u2019t want to be there. We got to talking, and she started softening and crying. I said to the husband\u2014I said, \u201cWhat are you feeling when you watch your wife weep like that?\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cWell, I think\u2026\u201d\u2014I said, \u201cDon\u2019t tell me what you think \/ tell me what you feel.\u201d And there was silence\u2014he couldn\u2019t do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I took that list\u2014or a list like that\u2014and I said, \u201cDo you feel this?\u201d\u2014you know. He said, \u201cYes,\u201d or \u201cNo,\u201d to \u201cDo you feel\u2026?\u201d I went down a list of words, and he could identify them if I gave him the language. A lot of times we don\u2019t have the language\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014to articulate or to express it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of what I wanted <em>her<\/em> to see was he was emotionally challenged. [Laugher]He didn\u2019t even know the <em>language<\/em> of emotions. It was like Greek to him, and she doesn\u2019t understand Greek. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey were totally missing each other; and that\u2019s not that uncommon, unfortunately. In marriages today\u2014they say, \u201cWe don\u2019t know how to reach across the aisle to each other,\u201d emotionally, in a meaningful way and in a safe way, as you mentioned earlier. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s not a matter of intelligence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>No!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They literally may not know\u2014they can\u2019t name\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014what they\u2019re feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, instead of putting the person down\u2014becoming the arms of Christ, who reach out to say, \u201cI want to be tenderhearted, kind to you, forgiving of you when you misapply your emotions.\u201d The family unit is <em>incredibly powerful<\/em>\u2014both husband and wife\u2014for learning this\u2014but also with children as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>One of the things they are trying to teach children today is: \u201cPut your emotions in words: \u2018If you\u2019re angry, don\u2019t hit your brother. Put it in words. Tell me what you\u2019re angry about.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Then, they listen to them \/ if they honor whatever they say, and they are teaching them how to identify what they\u2019re feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that\u2019s a healthy move. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We had six kids. I won\u2019t tell you which one it was that had a problem showing their anger through biting, but their last name was Rainey. [Laughter]\u00a0 If you had a child\u2014who was biting, or hitting, or throwing things\u2014and let\u2019s say they are three or four years of age, what would a conversation be with a little child who is older than a toddler?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Ask Grandma how she\u2019d handle this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s what I want to know. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019d offer them Jelly Belly<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>s; wouldn\u2019t you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>I do have a five-year-old\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u2014who is angry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014who is angry. We\u2019re trying to figure that out ourselves; but we\u2019re also trying to teach her, when we have her\u2014we have her a lot, because they don\u2019t live very far from us\u2014not to have to be angry. There are others ways to talk to me about it. We say, \u201cWhat\u2019s bothering you right now?\u201d\u00a0 And she\u2019s old enough\u2014maybe, four would be difficult; but five\u2014she\u2019s able to come up with some things. She told me about a babysitter\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014who really did a really hard thing with her and caused her to fall on her bike and all that\u2014but if I can get her to talk about those things, it really helps her be free with me, at least, and going to be freer with her mom and dad too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>It lowers the language of her frustrations, as well; because she\u2019s had somebody listen to, and hear it, and affirm it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay; I\u2019m going to give both of you an assignment. I\u2019m going to ask you, Jan, to speak to the husbands, who are listening right now, who may be married to a wife who doesn\u2019t know how to express her emotions; and it baffles the husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He just goes, \u201cWhat do I do?\u201d What\u2019s the single, best piece of advice you would give a husband in loving his wife?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And this would be the husband who, when he says to his wife, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>\u201cNothing.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014she says: \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know\u201d; and he goes, \u201cHow can you not <em>know<\/em> what\u2019s wrong?!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>[Laughter] Well, I\u2019m going\u2014really, though, copy something that Dave tells them; because it works for me too. If I could say to that husband: \u201cWatch my face. Tell me what you see on my face. I want you to make a note of what you see; because when I look like this, I\u2019m showing emotion.\u201d\u00a0 We\u2019ve really gotten into how the facial features show the emotion. You can go ahead and tell them about who is it that has studied this so many times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Oh, [Paul] Ekman from the University of San Francisco talks about emotions <em>revealed. <\/em>The universal language of the emotions is the face. So, I tell husbands in a workshop: \u201cYou\u2019re going to have to learn to be comfortable in the world of emotions. The way you start is watch your wife\u2019s face. When you see a look you don\u2019t understand, say, \u2018What are you feeling right now?\u2019 Make a notebook and draw a picture of her look and write the emotion.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Make sure it\u2019s a good picture, by the way; or you\u2019ll have some more emotions to deal with. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>You can keep it hidden. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>Well, I guess further, into that, I would tell him that: \u201cI\u2019m afraid to say what my emotion is because it\u2019s not been safe in the past,\u201d and \u201cI don\u2019t want to cause things to be harder or more\u2014we don\u2019t want to really fight about it. So, I\u2019m quiet. If you would just be open to it, and not correct me when I say something or get upset. Also, if I say what I\u2019m feeling, just let me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Alright; David, you speak to the wife, who may be married to a husband who is kind of locked up and, maybe, he just swings from one peril of the pendulum to the other\u2014anger, and coldness, and silence. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Well, one of the things that I\u2019d want you to understand, if you are the wife, is that he is afraid. You don\u2019t believe that he is afraid, but he\u2019s afraid of what he\u2019s feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you press him and you push on it, you\u2019re going to hit anger because\u2014you\u2019ve got to start with the assumption that he\u2019s afraid, because men cover up their fear with anger. They are afraid, primarily, of being a failure. So, if you start to challenge him \/ you start to question him in any way that makes him feel like a failure, you\u2019re working against getting the information you want. So, back down \/ slow down\u2014recognize that he\u2019s operating out of fear. In spite of what he says, he\u2019s a scared little boy. Treat him like you would a scared little boy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s great advice!\u00a0 I do think men are a whole lot more insecure and fearful than we understand. It is the wise woman who knows how to believe in her husband, and love him, and create a safe haven for him to be imperfect and not reject him. That\u2019s really what Christian marriage is all about, Bob. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00 <\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019re saying that a lot of what comes out as anger may be hurt or fear in a husband\u2019s heart. It\u2019s just that anger is the only way he knows how to express it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Exactly. And that\u2019s why a book like what the Stoops have written here, <em>SMART Love<\/em>\u2014I think a lot of people really do love each other \/ they just need some equipping, by a couple, who have been around the barn\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jan: <\/strong>\u2014the block. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014or block a few extra times. And this book, <em>SMART Love<\/em>, would really be a great book to take on a planning weekend, on a getaway, a date night\u2014and just take a chapter at a time. Maybe, read it in advance\u2014you take one color pen, and he takes the other. You write down your notes, and then get together and talk about it, and then move on to the next chapter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We have copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to order <em>SMART Love: How Improving Your Emotional Intelligence Will Transform Your Marriage<\/em>. It\u2019s by Drs. David and Jan Stoop. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can order, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to order at 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I imagine you have a busy summer in front of you and your family. We have a lot of plans for our summer, here at FamilyLife. We are in the middle of working on a number of projects that we hope to make some great progress on over the course of the summer. We\u2019re working on some upgrades to our website. We\u2019re talking about improving our mobile app, working on renovations to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> getaway; and we\u2019re working on a new video series called FamilyLife\u2019s <em>The Art of Parenting<\/em>. In fact, there\u2019s a clip on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com if you\u2019d like to get a little sneak preview of some of what that work is starting to look like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we\u2019ve realized, as we head into the summer months, is that for us to stay on track with these projects and others, we\u2019re going to need to ask our listeners to help us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we need to raise $1.1 million during the month of May in order to keep everything on track over the course of the summer. The good news is we have had a group of friends who have agreed that they will match the first $150,000 given toward that goal. If you\u2019re able to contribute today, your donation will be matched, dollar for dollar, as we work our way toward our May goal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWould you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and make a donation to help us maintain the momentum on these projects and to keep <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> strong and stable as we head into the summer months?\u00a0 You can give, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; you can give by calling 1-800-FL-TODAY; or if you\u2019d like to mail a donation to us, you can do that as well. Our mailing address is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk more about how we can cultivate emotional intelligence in our marriage\u2014what we can do to get <em>smarter<\/em> in the area of our feelings toward one another. Dave and Jan Stoop will be back with us tomorrow. I hope you can be back as well. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304490","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304490"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304490"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304490"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304490"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304490"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304490"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304490"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}