{"id":304418,"date":"2017-03-14T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-03-14T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/forgiveness-is-not-optional\/"},"modified":"2017-03-14T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-03-14T15:00:00","slug":"forgiveness-is-not-optional","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/forgiveness-is-not-optional\/","title":{"rendered":"Forgiveness Is Not Optional"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: Bryan Loritts, David Stoop, Shaunti Feldhahn | Series: 25 Years of Radio: Conflict and Forgiveness in Marriage | From the FamilyLife Today vault, hear classic conversations from Dave and Ann Wilson, Shaunti Feldhahn, David Stoop, and Bryan Loritts about the constructive nature of biblical conflict resolution, and the value of forgiveness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>From the FamilyLife Today vault, hear classic conversations from Dave and Ann Wilson, Shaunti Feldhahn, David Stoop, and Bryan Loritts about the nature of biblical conflict resolution, and the value of forgiveness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-14.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"26.58M","filesize_raw":"27868705","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2908,2902],"tags":[2918,2699,2877],"podcast_series":[8197],"cwp_profile":[8819,9447,3204],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304418","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forgiveness","category-resolving-conflict","tag-conflict","tag-forgiveness","tag-marriage","podcast_series-25-years-of-radio-conflict-and-forgiveness-in-marriage","cwp_profile-bryan-loritts","cwp_profile-david-stoop","cwp_profile-shaunti-feldhahn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304418\/forgiveness-is-not-optional","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304418\/forgiveness-is-not-optional","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"ufhE8CVqoM\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/forgiveness-is-not-optional\/\">Forgiveness Is Not Optional<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/forgiveness-is-not-optional\/embed\/#?secret=ufhE8CVqoM\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Forgiveness Is Not Optional&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"ufhE8CVqoM\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-14.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-14.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know that it says in the Bible you\u2019re not supposed to let the sun go down on your anger. Well, author and speaker, Shaunti Feldhahn, says, \u201cSometimes, when you\u2019ve been trying to resolve conflict for a few hours and it\u2019s one in the morning, it\u2019s not a good idea to try to keep things going.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>You\u2019re going to say things you didn\u2019t mean. You\u2019re going to hurt each other\u2019s feelings. You\u2019re going to agree to things you wish you hadn\u2019t agreed to. Sometimes, you say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let\u2019s sleep on it. We\u2019re okay. We will work this out. The relationship is solid. Let\u2019s talk about this in the morning.\u201d\u00a0 Half of the time, when you get to the morning, they\u2019re like, \u201cWhat was that about?\u201d \u2014like, sometimes, it can resolve on its own; but if it doesn\u2019t, then, you deal with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, March 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. So, what exactly does the Bible say about resolving conflict and forgiving one another in marriage?\u00a0 We\u2019ll spend some time looking at that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. I already asked you, this week, about when conflict ends in a marriage relationship. I do think, if you pay attention, you can get better. Maybe, the conflict still happens; but it can happen more gently, or it can happen with a better outcome than it did\u2014at least, for me\u2014than it did ten years ago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s hope, Bob; because I think what marriage and family ought to be are God\u2019s\u2014I think they are His finest training tools for teaching us how to love and how to forgive on the planet. I mean, where else do you sign a covenant \/ do you make a pledge to live with one another until death do you part?\u00a0 In other relationships\u2014people hurt you\u2014you can discard them like a Kleenex<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But you can\u2019t discard a family!\u00a0 You can\u2019t toss a spouse in the trashcan. You\u2019ve got to learn the lessons that God has for you to learn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd just to start off, at the beginning of the broadcast: \u201cForgiveness means you give up the right \/ you relinquish your justification to punish another person.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here\u2019s what we thought we\u2019d do this week. We\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this subject, off and on, for 25 years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Mostly <em>on<\/em>. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In 2017, we will celebrate our 25<sup>th<\/sup> birthday as a radio broadcast; and that means that in our vault\u2014and by the way, the vault is opened up online for anybody who wants to go listen to programs about conflict, and forgiveness, and marriage, and intimacy\u2014all kinds of subjects. You can go, and it\u2019s all free for you to listen to and download. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And the reason it\u2019s free is because we have Legacy Partners, who give monthly, to keep this broadcast on the air and make the broadcast both audio- and text-available online\u2014and also, people who give throughout the year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you give, you\u2019re having an impact in literally millions of people\u2019s lives, marriages, and legacies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Thanks to those of you who are partnering with us in getting this word out to more and more people. I was starting to say that we know, in the vault, where some of the real nuggets are; and so, we thought, \u201cWell, let\u2019s talk about conflict and forgiveness, but let\u2019s hear from some of the voices we\u2019ve heard from over the last 25 years.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd one of our favorite couples to have on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> live in the Detroit, Michigan, area. Dave Wilson is one of the pastors at Kensington Church in suburban Detroit. He and his wife Ann have spoken at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways for more than a quarter of a century. They were speaking to an audience about the reality of conflict in their own marriage and how it started early for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So, we get married\u2014we don\u2019t know any of this; right?\u00a0 We have a conflict in our first couple months of marriage. We were living with her parents\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014raising support as missionaries, now, on Athletes in Action staff. We\u2019re going to be sent to the University of Nebraska and be their chaplain. So, we\u2019re raising money, back in our hometown. It\u2019s a summer afternoon\u2014everybody is gone, windows are open, and we get in this fight. And I do what I do\u2014I didn\u2019t even know I did\u2014I just got up and started to leave the room. That\u2019s what I do\u2014I just walk out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And I couldn\u2019t believe it!\u00a0 I\u2019d never seen anyone get up and leave the room when we are in the middle of a fight. So, I yell at him, \u201cCome back here and fight me like a man, you, chicken!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 Wow!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That\u2019s what I hear. I hear that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Wow! That\u2019s helpful!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014as I\u2019m walking in the kitchen, I hear that. I turn around, and I walked back in. I\u2019m like: \u201cYou want a man?\u00a0 Watch this!\u00a0 <em>Bleep <\/em>you!\u201d\u00a0 and I walk away. Now, I know you can\u2019t believe I cursed, but I did. [Laughter]\u00a0 And I just started walking away. Then, I hear from behind me, from the couch\u2014go ahead. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I said, \u201cWell, <em>bleep<\/em>, <em>bleep <\/em>you!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And I\u2019m not kidding\u2014I turned around\u2014like: \u201cAwl! <em>You cursed<\/em>!\u00a0 Oh my goodness!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 and I walked out. I was like, \u201cI can\u2019t believe this.\u201d\u00a0 So, I\u2019m going upstairs to the bedroom, closing the door. She follows me! [Making sounds like she is walking upstairs]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sit down on the bed. She sits down right beside me; and she goes: \u201cWe\u2019ve got to talk about this. We\u2019ve got to resolve this. This is what you do when you get married\u2014you resolve conflict.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m like: \u201cWhat are you doing right now?!\u00a0 Get out of here!\u201d because I had <em>never<\/em> in my life resolved conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDo you know why?\u00a0 I thought conflict was bad\u2014you avoid it at all cost. You ready?\u00a0 That\u2019s not the truth. The truth is this\u2014you ready?\u2014conflict is neutral. How you handle it determines how it will work out in your marriage. Do you hear me?\u00a0 It\u2019s true!\u00a0 I actually would even say this\u2014I think conflict can be really, really good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I do too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>If you learn\u2014and we\u2019re going to talk about it tonight\u2014some ways to handle conflict from God\u2019s Word and you start to resolve conflict, you will be more intimate, you will be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014closer in oneness than you ever would get by avoiding conflict. So, I\u2019ve changed in 35 years of marriage. I do not withdraw anymore\u2014it\u2019s still in there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And you don\u2019t curse at me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s still in there, but I\u2014yes; I never curse at you \/ that doesn\u2019t happen\u2014but I mean, just a glimpse into our marriage at that time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m going to give you one main truth\u2014now, I\u2019m not talking about the God-part \/ I\u2019m only talking about the human-part\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the health and <em>future<\/em> of your relationship is determined by how you handle conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s Dave Wilson\u2014an interesting point. In fact, I remember hearing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Interesting?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I remember hearing a guest on another radio program\u2014another family-oriented radio program that\u2019s heard on many Christian radio stations\u2014not that that gives it away for anybody else; right\u2014but this was a guest on <em>Focus on the Family<\/em>. And he said [imitating guest], \u201cWe have discovered this is the one thing\u2014this one thing\u2014if couples learn this, this will make <em>all<\/em> the difference in their marriage relationship.\u201d\u00a0 You know who the guest was?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Of course; of course. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Gary Smalley. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Gary Smalley said, \u201cThis is it\u2014couples, who know how to resolve conflict, have better marriages.\u201d\u00a0 And I thought, \u201cWell, I could have figured that out.\u201d\u00a0 I mean if you know how to resolve conflict, you\u2019re going to have a happier marriage. If you don\u2019t know how to resolve conflict, you\u2019re going to have ongoing conflict; and you\u2019re going to find yourself frustrated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and just to continue in our clips here\u2014that we\u2019re playing from the past \/ kind of classics on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014 one of our guests, Shaunti Feldhahn, who is an author out of Atlanta, Georgia \/ great communicator\u2014she shared a misconception, Bob, about what you do with anger and how that can really keep a couple from pursuing forgiveness in their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is, according to Shaunti, a Bible verse that many of us have heard that we\u2019ve misunderstood how to apply. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It\u2019s interesting\u2014there is a tweak to\u2014you know I\u2019m kind of a freak for research; right?\u00a0 I wanted to find out what these happy couples were <em>doing<\/em>\u2014actually doing\u2014opposed to what they were <em>saying<\/em> to do. So, when they would advise me\u2014they would say, \u201cYou know it\u2019s really important not to go to bed mad,\u201d I would say: \u201cOh, yes; absolutely. Do you ever go to bed mad?\u201d \u201cWell, it\u2019s a really important principle.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I started talking, what they had learned in <em>practice<\/em> was that: \u201cSometimes,\u201d\u2014this is the way they put it\u2014\u201cif you\u2019ve got two upset, emotional, exhausted people who are trying to duke something out in one o\u2019clock in the morning, you\u2019re going to say things you didn\u2019t mean, you\u2019re going to hurt each other\u2019s feelings, you\u2019re going to agree to things you\u2019re going to wish you hadn\u2019t agreed to.\u201d And in practice, they had learned that sometimes you say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let\u2019s sleep on it. We\u2019re okay. We will work this out. The relationship is solid. Let\u2019s talk about this in the morning.\u201d\u00a0 And half of the time, they told me, when you get to the morning, they are like, \u201cWhat was that about?\u201d\u2014like it, sometimes, can resolve on its own; but if it doesn\u2019t, then, you deal with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I was a little concerned when I started hearing that was the pattern; because so often you hear advice that\u2019s contra-biblical. It doesn\u2019t matter if it\u2019s what they <em>do<\/em> if it\u2019s against the Bible; right?\u00a0 So, I went back and took another look at what the Bible actually <em>says<\/em> about this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was <em>flabbergasted<\/em> because that comment that we all quote from Ephesians\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the Apostle Paul is actually <em>quoting<\/em> the Old Testament. He is saying, basically, in Ephesians 4, there\u2014he\u2019s saying, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin; don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger,\u201d\u2014right? He\u2019s quoting Psalm 4:4, which basically says: \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent.\u201d\u00a0 And he\u2019s quoting a Scripture that is really contrary in some ways to what we think the advice is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, clearly, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin,\u201d doesn\u2019t mean \u201cDon\u2019t go to bed mad.\u201d\u00a0 It seems to be something about this principle of: \u201cDon\u2019t hurt each other\u2019s feelings. And if you need to work it out before you go to bed to not sin in your anger, then, do that. But if you are going to sin in your anger\u2014you\u2019re going to say hurtful things that you wish you hadn\u2019t said\u2014think about it overnight and remain silent.\u201d\u00a0 The key is: \u201cHow you are handling your anger.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s just read this passage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You turned to Psalm 4:4 while she was talking there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cBe angry and do not sin. Ponder in your own hearts on your beds and be silent.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t know who said it, but it is so true in marriage: \u201cI have regretted my words. I have never regretted my silence.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, there are times in a marriage when\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014you need to speak. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014you need to speak and silence is not golden\u2014it can be very cowardly. It can be kind of an escape from a conflict like Dave Wilson was talking about earlier in the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But here, Shaunti is really encouraging us: \u201cBe <em>wise<\/em>. Be wise about what you say.\u201d\u00a0 And Bob, I think we\u2019re really careless with our words. In fact, if you go back to the context of the passage of Ephesians, Chapter 4, and look at it\u2014it is saying: \u201cBe angry. Do not sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger. Give no opportunity to the devil.\u201d\u00a0 Well, words <em>hurt<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know the old saying, \u201cSticks and stones may break my bones; words will never hurt me\u201d?\u00a0 Baloney!\u00a0 That may work on the playground\u2014well, it doesn\u2019t even work there. I can still remember a name I was called in the sixth grade. So, don\u2019t let your <em>words<\/em> be used as missiles \/ as swords\u2014as weapons that hurt your spouse\u2014instead, use words to encourage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and the point of not letting the sun go down on your anger, I think, is a point of saying: \u201cDon\u2019t let conflict linger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That is the point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cDon\u2019t let it just stay out there and fester and grow roots and get bitter.\u201d When you\u2019ve got an issue, move in to address it\u2014as you said\u2014with the right frame of mind. Maybe, it\u2019s better in the morning when you\u2019ve had a chance to sleep on it. Pick your words carefully \/ pick your\u2014the time of approach carefully\u2014but don\u2019t just leave it alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we had a guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014Dr. David Stoop, who is a counselor and an author. He said one of the big problems he has seen with couples is that they think conflict is bad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, they will simply move to: \u201cOh; it is okay. I wasn\u2019t hurt.\u201d\u00a0 There\u2019s just a denial that\u2014he called it \u201cEasy forgive-ism.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I had a young man call me, desperate to get in for counseling, because he had just caught his wife in an affair with his best friend. They came in that week\u2014I set up an emergency appointment. They came in. I, talking to him\u2014I\u2019m asking him how he is doing. Well, he\u2019s fine. I said, \u201cWell, how are you doing with your wife?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, I\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cAre you angry with her?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 And I kept <em>pressing<\/em> him because this just didn\u2019t seem real. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, he got angry; and he said, \u201cLook, I\u2019m a Christian. I\u2019ve forgiven my wife.\u201d\u00a0 He said it so strongly\u2014I just kind of backed off, and we did some other things\u2014set another appointment. That weekend, he called me\u2014he said, \u201cShe left again.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, you and I need to talk about your easy forgive-ism.\u201d\u00a0 I said: \u201cYou didn\u2019t really forgive her. You simply excused her. By excusing her, you were saying to her, \u2018This is no big deal.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, when your wife betrays you like that, there is a deep wound \/ deep pain you don\u2019t get over just because you are a Christian and you have to forgive. You may say: \u201cI\u2019m going to forgive you. I\u2019m choosing to do that, but I\u2019m not there yet. I\u2019m too hurt \/ too angry.\u201d\u00a0 We talked about that, and he saw the fallacy of it\u2014that when I forgive too quickly, I\u2019m simply saying to somebody, \u201cOh, no big deal.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re saying the process of forgiveness, especially with someone who has really profoundly impacted you, needs to be a process that has integrity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It doesn\u2019t need to be some kind of quick, easy forgive-ism; instead it needs to be a deliberate statement of love \/ grace in action, where\u2014when you go and you say: \u201cI give up my right to punish you. I forgive you,\u201d\u2014you\u2019ve worked it through. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the case of the young man, whose wife had left him, he needed to face the realities of what her affair was doing to him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes\u2014all the pain that was there that he was trying to deny and push away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think there is a lot of dishonesty within the community of faith\u2014the Christian community. I think we use a lot of Christianese, a lot of jargon, and a lot of hyper-spiritual words; and our hearts aren\u2019t clean. We\u2019re not really forgiving; you know?\u00a0 In fact, we\u2019ve got a heart that is bitter; and we <em>know<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if I\u2019m speaking to you right now\u2014that\u2019s one of you, who are listening right now\u2014do not let the sun go down on your anger. Deal with it. Find a way\u2014and if you need a friend to help you\u2014a counselor; a pastor; maybe, your closest same-sex friend\u2014maybe, it\u2019s your spouse you can go to and ask for wisdom because, maybe, it\u2019s not your spouse that hurt you. But don\u2019t let this broadcast just be a broadcast; let it be an opportunity \/ an invitation to reestablish relationship and really deal with the hard stuff of broken relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I know some people are thinking: \u201cYou don\u2019t know how much I\u2019ve been hurt. You don\u2019t know how often I\u2019ve had to forgive. You don\u2019t know my circumstances, and it\u2019s easy for you to say; but if you were living what I\u2019m living, you might think differently.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I had a man tell me that this morning\u2014sure did. I said, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t; but let me hear what your context is,\u201d because everybody needs someone to be a fellow burden-bearer. At the end of my time with my friend, I put my arm around him, and I just said: \u201cI\u2019m sorry for the hurt. I\u2019m sorry for what you\u2019ve experienced.\u201d\u00a0 Some people are carrying this stuff alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And they can\u2019t get out of it! They just need someone who will touch their hand. I reached across the table\u2014I touched this man\u2019s hand, with compassion\u2014I said, \u201cI really am sorry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just think we are missing opportunities to bring some healing and relationship to remind them of what\u2019s right\u2014and encourage them to do that\u2014and not tell them the easy thing to do, which Dr. Stoop\u2014I love what he said\u2014\u201c\u2026not an easy forgiveness but a gritty forgiveness that has integrity to it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, our friend, Bryan Loritts, who pastors Abundant Life Christian Center in\u2014I think it\u2019s in Mountain View, California, up in the Bay Area. Bryan was speaking at an event for FamilyLife a few years ago. He reminded all of us\u2014that for those who profess love for Jesus, forgiveness is not an option \/ it\u2019s a requirement. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bryan: <\/strong>Now, I love Peter; because in verse 21 of Matthew, Chapter 18, you can still see Peter is stuck on verse 15; because in verse 15, Jesus says, \u201cIf your brother\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we can insert: \u201cIf your husband\u201d \/ \u201cIf your wife\u201d\u2014\u201csins against you, here\u2019s how you do it. Go and tell him his fault.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he deals with this whole issue of forgiveness. Peter says to Jesus, \u201cNow, Lord, how many times will my brother sin against me, and I\u2019m obligated to forgive him?\u201d\u00a0 And I love Peter\u2014he doesn\u2019t even wait for Jesus to answer\u2014he says, \u201cSeven times?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd he\u2019s got to be saying it with a smile\u2014\u201cSeven times?\u201d\u2014because in Peter\u2019s day, the rabbis said you only had to forgive three times\u2014three Mulligans is all you got. Peter takes the number three, multiplies it times two, adds one for good measure to land him on the number of completion. He thinks he is doing good: \u201cSeven times?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 And classic Jesus says, \u201cI do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, someone in here is going: \u201cThat\u2019s 490\u2014good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMy spouse is on 489.\u201d [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know what Jesus is doing here\u2014He is employing a literary device called hyperbole\u2014He\u2019s exaggerating to make a point. It\u2019s what we parents do all the time when we tell our kids, \u201cI told you a <em>million<\/em> times to clean up the room.\u201d\u00a0 Now, chances are you haven\u2019t told them a million times\u2014unless they\u2019re 16, you have\u2014but chances are you haven\u2019t told them a million times. What you are saying here is: \u201cWe\u2019ve <em>talked<\/em> about this extensively. I\u2019ve told you over and over again.\u201d\u00a0 You are <em>exaggerating<\/em> to make a point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is the point Jesus is making: \u201cOur horizontal forgiveness of one another knows no statute of limitations. It is to have no expiration date because the vertical forgiveness we have received from God, through Christ Jesus, has no expiration date as well.\u201d\u00a0 [Applause]\u00a0 So, Jesus is saying, \u201cI\u2019m calling you\u2014forgive, and forgive, and forgive.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if I\u2019m going to split theological hairs\u2014I want you to understand\u2014our passage is not so much about reconciliation as much as it is on forgiveness; but the truth of the matter is we cannot be reconciled unless we first forgive. So, He is saying, \u201cIf you have come to the foot of the cross, forgive, forgive, forgive.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pretty clear; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It is. I\u2019ve got two application points here. First of all, answer this question: \u201cWhen is the last time you asked your spouse to forgive you for something?\u201d The host of the broadcast will answer it: \u201cLast night, and the day before\u2014and my memory is short after that. [Laughter]\u00a0 But I was sharp with Barbara two days ago. I came back in\u2014I said: \u2018I\u2019m sorry. That was not right. Will you forgive me, please?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, answer the question: \u201cWhen is the last time you humbled yourself and asked your spouse to forgive you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think there are some arrogant listeners to this broadcast\u2014is what I think. And by the way, that could be any of us at any given point of time. We can get arrogant in our sin and think we\u2019re better than\u2026 \u201cWhen is the last time you asked your spouse to forgive you?\u201d\u2014and then, you were quiet \/ and you let them process it\u2014and you had a working definition in your marriage to understand that forgiveness means you give up the right to punish the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond application point\u2014it\u2019s to parents: \u201cDo you realize that how you and your spouse resolve conflict\u2014how you train your children to resolve conflict as they have sibling-rivalry between themselves and between you and them and the family\u2014do you realize you are training a generation of husbands and wives\/ moms and dads, who will someday have to practice good conflict resolution skills in their marriages and families?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou cannot afford to fail. You <em>must<\/em> equip them to know how to do this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you don\u2019t know how to do it, sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> A.S.A.P. Get you and your spouse to the conference and get some good, biblical practical training with authentic people that aren\u2019t going to give you some pie-in-the-sky baloney about marriage and family\u2014that will talk about it around real family life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m headed out in a few weeks to Branson, Missouri, going to be speaking at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway there. I know you are going to be in Atlanta with Crawford Loritts, coming up in April. We\u2019ve got getaways happening in cities all across the country this spring and would love to have you join us at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, for more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember;<\/em> or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and say, \u201cI want to go to one of the getaways.\u201d We\u2019ll answer any questions you have and make arrangements for you to attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have any questions, go online to FamilyLifeToday.com; or again, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, this issue of forgiveness\u2014this is a key issue for so many couples. This skill\u2014being able to resolve conflict and being able to forgive someone else\u2014is at the heart of every vibrant marriage relationship; but ultimately, the ability to forgive someone is a spiritual decision we have to make. It is rooted and anchored in understanding that we have been forgiven by the God we have offended with our own sins \/ our own actions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, at FamilyLife, we are committed to helping couples understand that for a marriage to work the way it\u2019s designed to work, you have to know the Designer. We understand that happy marriages are not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is that men and women would know their Creator; and that, in the context of being forgiven, they could forgive one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I just want to say a word to those of you who have enabled FamilyLife to reach more and more people every year that we\u2019ve been on the radio for the last 25 years\u2014your financial support of this ministry has caused the scope of this ministry to expand every year. When you donate to support this ministry, you are helping us reach more people with practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and their family. And we\u2019re grateful for your partnership with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, if you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d love to send you a set of Resurrection Eggs<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that you can use with your children or with your grandchildren and share with them the story of Easter in a way that is unforgettable for them. That\u2019s our gift to you when you make a donation, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or when you call to donate\u20141-800-FL-TODAY\u2014ask about a set of Resurrection Eggs. Or you can request the eggs when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to introduce you to a mom, who a couple of years into being a mom\u2014she thought she was just failing completely\u2014it just was not coming naturally to her. You\u2019ll meet Hettie Brittz, and you\u2019ll learn how God changed her thinking about being a mom. If you are a young mom, you\u2019ll want to tune in and hear the story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.58M"],"filesize_raw":["27868705"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304418.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304418.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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the FamilyLife Today vault, hear classic conversations from Dave and Ann Wilson, Shaunti Feldhahn, David Stoop, and Bryan Loritts about the nature of biblical conflict resolution, and the value of forgiveness.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know that it says in the Bible you\u2019re not supposed to let the sun go down on your anger. Well, author and speaker, Shaunti Feldhahn, says, \u201cSometimes, when you\u2019ve been trying to resolve conflict for a few hours and it\u2019s one in the morning, it\u2019s not a good idea to try to keep things going.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>You\u2019re going to say things you didn\u2019t mean. You\u2019re going to hurt each other\u2019s feelings. You\u2019re going to agree to things you wish you hadn\u2019t agreed to. Sometimes, you say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let\u2019s sleep on it. We\u2019re okay. We will work this out. The relationship is solid. Let\u2019s talk about this in the morning.\u201d\u00a0 Half of the time, when you get to the morning, they\u2019re like, \u201cWhat was that about?\u201d \u2014like, sometimes, it can resolve on its own; but if it doesn\u2019t, then, you deal with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, March 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. So, what exactly does the Bible say about resolving conflict and forgiving one another in marriage?\u00a0 We\u2019ll spend some time looking at that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. I already asked you, this week, about when conflict ends in a marriage relationship. I do think, if you pay attention, you can get better. Maybe, the conflict still happens; but it can happen more gently, or it can happen with a better outcome than it did\u2014at least, for me\u2014than it did ten years ago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, let\u2019s hope, Bob; because I think what marriage and family ought to be are God\u2019s\u2014I think they are His finest training tools for teaching us how to love and how to forgive on the planet. I mean, where else do you sign a covenant \/ do you make a pledge to live with one another until death do you part?\u00a0 In other relationships\u2014people hurt you\u2014you can discard them like a Kleenex<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But you can\u2019t discard a family!\u00a0 You can\u2019t toss a spouse in the trashcan. You\u2019ve got to learn the lessons that God has for you to learn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd just to start off, at the beginning of the broadcast: \u201cForgiveness means you give up the right \/ you relinquish your justification to punish another person.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Here\u2019s what we thought we\u2019d do this week. We\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this subject, off and on, for 25 years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Mostly <em>on<\/em>. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>In 2017, we will celebrate our 25<sup>th<\/sup> birthday as a radio broadcast; and that means that in our vault\u2014and by the way, the vault is opened up online for anybody who wants to go listen to programs about conflict, and forgiveness, and marriage, and intimacy\u2014all kinds of subjects. You can go, and it\u2019s all free for you to listen to and download. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And the reason it\u2019s free is because we have Legacy Partners, who give monthly, to keep this broadcast on the air and make the broadcast both audio- and text-available online\u2014and also, people who give throughout the year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you give, you\u2019re having an impact in literally millions of people\u2019s lives, marriages, and legacies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Thanks to those of you who are partnering with us in getting this word out to more and more people. I was starting to say that we know, in the vault, where some of the real nuggets are; and so, we thought, \u201cWell, let\u2019s talk about conflict and forgiveness, but let\u2019s hear from some of the voices we\u2019ve heard from over the last 25 years.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd one of our favorite couples to have on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> live in the Detroit, Michigan, area. Dave Wilson is one of the pastors at Kensington Church in suburban Detroit. He and his wife Ann have spoken at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways for more than a quarter of a century. They were speaking to an audience about the reality of conflict in their own marriage and how it started early for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>So, we get married\u2014we don\u2019t know any of this; right?\u00a0 We have a conflict in our first couple months of marriage. We were living with her parents\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014raising support as missionaries, now, on Athletes in Action staff. We\u2019re going to be sent to the University of Nebraska and be their chaplain. So, we\u2019re raising money, back in our hometown. It\u2019s a summer afternoon\u2014everybody is gone, windows are open, and we get in this fight. And I do what I do\u2014I didn\u2019t even know I did\u2014I just got up and started to leave the room. That\u2019s what I do\u2014I just walk out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And I couldn\u2019t believe it!\u00a0 I\u2019d never seen anyone get up and leave the room when we are in the middle of a fight. So, I yell at him, \u201cCome back here and fight me like a man, you, chicken!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 Wow!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>That\u2019s what I hear. I hear that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Wow! That\u2019s helpful!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014as I\u2019m walking in the kitchen, I hear that. I turn around, and I walked back in. I\u2019m like: \u201cYou want a man?\u00a0 Watch this!\u00a0 <em>Bleep <\/em>you!\u201d\u00a0 and I walk away. Now, I know you can\u2019t believe I cursed, but I did. [Laughter]\u00a0 And I just started walking away. Then, I hear from behind me, from the couch\u2014go ahead. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I said, \u201cWell, <em>bleep<\/em>, <em>bleep <\/em>you!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And I\u2019m not kidding\u2014I turned around\u2014like: \u201cAwl! <em>You cursed<\/em>!\u00a0 Oh my goodness!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 and I walked out. I was like, \u201cI can\u2019t believe this.\u201d\u00a0 So, I\u2019m going upstairs to the bedroom, closing the door. She follows me! [Making sounds like she is walking upstairs]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI sit down on the bed. She sits down right beside me; and she goes: \u201cWe\u2019ve got to talk about this. We\u2019ve got to resolve this. This is what you do when you get married\u2014you resolve conflict.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m like: \u201cWhat are you doing right now?!\u00a0 Get out of here!\u201d because I had <em>never<\/em> in my life resolved conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDo you know why?\u00a0 I thought conflict was bad\u2014you avoid it at all cost. You ready?\u00a0 That\u2019s not the truth. The truth is this\u2014you ready?\u2014conflict is neutral. How you handle it determines how it will work out in your marriage. Do you hear me?\u00a0 It\u2019s true!\u00a0 I actually would even say this\u2014I think conflict can be really, really good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I do too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>If you learn\u2014and we\u2019re going to talk about it tonight\u2014some ways to handle conflict from God\u2019s Word and you start to resolve conflict, you will be more intimate, you will be\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014closer in oneness than you ever would get by avoiding conflict. So, I\u2019ve changed in 35 years of marriage. I do not withdraw anymore\u2014it\u2019s still in there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And you don\u2019t curse at me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave: <\/strong>It\u2019s still in there, but I\u2014yes; I never curse at you \/ that doesn\u2019t happen\u2014but I mean, just a glimpse into our marriage at that time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019m going to give you one main truth\u2014now, I\u2019m not talking about the God-part \/ I\u2019m only talking about the human-part\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the health and <em>future<\/em> of your relationship is determined by how you handle conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s Dave Wilson\u2014an interesting point. In fact, I remember hearing\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Interesting?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I remember hearing a guest on another radio program\u2014another family-oriented radio program that\u2019s heard on many Christian radio stations\u2014not that that gives it away for anybody else; right\u2014but this was a guest on <em>Focus on the Family<\/em>. And he said [imitating guest], \u201cWe have discovered this is the one thing\u2014this one thing\u2014if couples learn this, this will make <em>all<\/em> the difference in their marriage relationship.\u201d\u00a0 You know who the guest was?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Of course; of course. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Gary Smalley. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Gary Smalley said, \u201cThis is it\u2014couples, who know how to resolve conflict, have better marriages.\u201d\u00a0 And I thought, \u201cWell, I could have figured that out.\u201d\u00a0 I mean if you know how to resolve conflict, you\u2019re going to have a happier marriage. If you don\u2019t know how to resolve conflict, you\u2019re going to have ongoing conflict; and you\u2019re going to find yourself frustrated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and just to continue in our clips here\u2014that we\u2019re playing from the past \/ kind of classics on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014 one of our guests, Shaunti Feldhahn, who is an author out of Atlanta, Georgia \/ great communicator\u2014she shared a misconception, Bob, about what you do with anger and how that can really keep a couple from pursuing forgiveness in their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is, according to Shaunti, a Bible verse that many of us have heard that we\u2019ve misunderstood how to apply. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shaunti: <\/strong>It\u2019s interesting\u2014there is a tweak to\u2014you know I\u2019m kind of a freak for research; right?\u00a0 I wanted to find out what these happy couples were <em>doing<\/em>\u2014actually doing\u2014opposed to what they were <em>saying<\/em> to do. So, when they would advise me\u2014they would say, \u201cYou know it\u2019s really important not to go to bed mad,\u201d I would say: \u201cOh, yes; absolutely. Do you ever go to bed mad?\u201d \u201cWell, it\u2019s a really important principle.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I started talking, what they had learned in <em>practice<\/em> was that: \u201cSometimes,\u201d\u2014this is the way they put it\u2014\u201cif you\u2019ve got two upset, emotional, exhausted people who are trying to duke something out in one o\u2019clock in the morning, you\u2019re going to say things you didn\u2019t mean, you\u2019re going to hurt each other\u2019s feelings, you\u2019re going to agree to things you\u2019re going to wish you hadn\u2019t agreed to.\u201d And in practice, they had learned that sometimes you say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 Let\u2019s sleep on it. We\u2019re okay. We will work this out. The relationship is solid. Let\u2019s talk about this in the morning.\u201d\u00a0 And half of the time, they told me, when you get to the morning, they are like, \u201cWhat was that about?\u201d\u2014like it, sometimes, can resolve on its own; but if it doesn\u2019t, then, you deal with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I was a little concerned when I started hearing that was the pattern; because so often you hear advice that\u2019s contra-biblical. It doesn\u2019t matter if it\u2019s what they <em>do<\/em> if it\u2019s against the Bible; right?\u00a0 So, I went back and took another look at what the Bible actually <em>says<\/em> about this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was <em>flabbergasted<\/em> because that comment that we all quote from Ephesians\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the Apostle Paul is actually <em>quoting<\/em> the Old Testament. He is saying, basically, in Ephesians 4, there\u2014he\u2019s saying, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin; don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger,\u201d\u2014right? He\u2019s quoting Psalm 4:4, which basically says: \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent.\u201d\u00a0 And he\u2019s quoting a Scripture that is really contrary in some ways to what we think the advice is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, clearly, \u201cIn your anger, don\u2019t sin,\u201d doesn\u2019t mean \u201cDon\u2019t go to bed mad.\u201d\u00a0 It seems to be something about this principle of: \u201cDon\u2019t hurt each other\u2019s feelings. And if you need to work it out before you go to bed to not sin in your anger, then, do that. But if you are going to sin in your anger\u2014you\u2019re going to say hurtful things that you wish you hadn\u2019t said\u2014think about it overnight and remain silent.\u201d\u00a0 The key is: \u201cHow you are handling your anger.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s just read this passage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You turned to Psalm 4:4 while she was talking there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cBe angry and do not sin. Ponder in your own hearts on your beds and be silent.\u201d\u00a0 I don\u2019t know who said it, but it is so true in marriage: \u201cI have regretted my words. I have never regretted my silence.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Now, there are times in a marriage when\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014you need to speak. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014you need to speak and silence is not golden\u2014it can be very cowardly. It can be kind of an escape from a conflict like Dave Wilson was talking about earlier in the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>But here, Shaunti is really encouraging us: \u201cBe <em>wise<\/em>. Be wise about what you say.\u201d\u00a0 And Bob, I think we\u2019re really careless with our words. In fact, if you go back to the context of the passage of Ephesians, Chapter 4, and look at it\u2014it is saying: \u201cBe angry. Do not sin. Don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger. Give no opportunity to the devil.\u201d\u00a0 Well, words <em>hurt<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know the old saying, \u201cSticks and stones may break my bones; words will never hurt me\u201d?\u00a0 Baloney!\u00a0 That may work on the playground\u2014well, it doesn\u2019t even work there. I can still remember a name I was called in the sixth grade. So, don\u2019t let your <em>words<\/em> be used as missiles \/ as swords\u2014as weapons that hurt your spouse\u2014instead, use words to encourage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and the point of not letting the sun go down on your anger, I think, is a point of saying: \u201cDon\u2019t let conflict linger. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That is the point.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cDon\u2019t let it just stay out there and fester and grow roots and get bitter.\u201d When you\u2019ve got an issue, move in to address it\u2014as you said\u2014with the right frame of mind. Maybe, it\u2019s better in the morning when you\u2019ve had a chance to sleep on it. Pick your words carefully \/ pick your\u2014the time of approach carefully\u2014but don\u2019t just leave it alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we had a guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014Dr. David Stoop, who is a counselor and an author. He said one of the big problems he has seen with couples is that they think conflict is bad. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, they will simply move to: \u201cOh; it is okay. I wasn\u2019t hurt.\u201d\u00a0 There\u2019s just a denial that\u2014he called it \u201cEasy forgive-ism.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>I had a young man call me, desperate to get in for counseling, because he had just caught his wife in an affair with his best friend. They came in that week\u2014I set up an emergency appointment. They came in. I, talking to him\u2014I\u2019m asking him how he is doing. Well, he\u2019s fine. I said, \u201cWell, how are you doing with your wife?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cWell, I\u2019m fine.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cAre you angry with her?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u201d\u00a0 And I kept <em>pressing<\/em> him because this just didn\u2019t seem real. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFinally, he got angry; and he said, \u201cLook, I\u2019m a Christian. I\u2019ve forgiven my wife.\u201d\u00a0 He said it so strongly\u2014I just kind of backed off, and we did some other things\u2014set another appointment. That weekend, he called me\u2014he said, \u201cShe left again.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, you and I need to talk about your easy forgive-ism.\u201d\u00a0 I said: \u201cYou didn\u2019t really forgive her. You simply excused her. By excusing her, you were saying to her, \u2018This is no big deal.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, when your wife betrays you like that, there is a deep wound \/ deep pain you don\u2019t get over just because you are a Christian and you have to forgive. You may say: \u201cI\u2019m going to forgive you. I\u2019m choosing to do that, but I\u2019m not there yet. I\u2019m too hurt \/ too angry.\u201d\u00a0 We talked about that, and he saw the fallacy of it\u2014that when I forgive too quickly, I\u2019m simply saying to somebody, \u201cOh, no big deal.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re saying the process of forgiveness, especially with someone who has really profoundly impacted you, needs to be a process that has integrity. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It doesn\u2019t need to be some kind of quick, easy forgive-ism; instead it needs to be a deliberate statement of love \/ grace in action, where\u2014when you go and you say: \u201cI give up my right to punish you. I forgive you,\u201d\u2014you\u2019ve worked it through. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the case of the young man, whose wife had left him, he needed to face the realities of what her affair was doing to him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes\u2014all the pain that was there that he was trying to deny and push away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think there is a lot of dishonesty within the community of faith\u2014the Christian community. I think we use a lot of Christianese, a lot of jargon, and a lot of hyper-spiritual words; and our hearts aren\u2019t clean. We\u2019re not really forgiving; you know?\u00a0 In fact, we\u2019ve got a heart that is bitter; and we <em>know<\/em> it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if I\u2019m speaking to you right now\u2014that\u2019s one of you, who are listening right now\u2014do not let the sun go down on your anger. Deal with it. Find a way\u2014and if you need a friend to help you\u2014a counselor; a pastor; maybe, your closest same-sex friend\u2014maybe, it\u2019s your spouse you can go to and ask for wisdom because, maybe, it\u2019s not your spouse that hurt you. But don\u2019t let this broadcast just be a broadcast; let it be an opportunity \/ an invitation to reestablish relationship and really deal with the hard stuff of broken relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I know some people are thinking: \u201cYou don\u2019t know how much I\u2019ve been hurt. You don\u2019t know how often I\u2019ve had to forgive. You don\u2019t know my circumstances, and it\u2019s easy for you to say; but if you were living what I\u2019m living, you might think differently.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I had a man tell me that this morning\u2014sure did. I said, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t; but let me hear what your context is,\u201d because everybody needs someone to be a fellow burden-bearer. At the end of my time with my friend, I put my arm around him, and I just said: \u201cI\u2019m sorry for the hurt. I\u2019m sorry for what you\u2019ve experienced.\u201d\u00a0 Some people are carrying this stuff alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And they can\u2019t get out of it! They just need someone who will touch their hand. I reached across the table\u2014I touched this man\u2019s hand, with compassion\u2014I said, \u201cI really am sorry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just think we are missing opportunities to bring some healing and relationship to remind them of what\u2019s right\u2014and encourage them to do that\u2014and not tell them the easy thing to do, which Dr. Stoop\u2014I love what he said\u2014\u201c\u2026not an easy forgiveness but a gritty forgiveness that has integrity to it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, our friend, Bryan Loritts, who pastors Abundant Life Christian Center in\u2014I think it\u2019s in Mountain View, California, up in the Bay Area. Bryan was speaking at an event for FamilyLife a few years ago. He reminded all of us\u2014that for those who profess love for Jesus, forgiveness is not an option \/ it\u2019s a requirement. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bryan: <\/strong>Now, I love Peter; because in verse 21 of Matthew, Chapter 18, you can still see Peter is stuck on verse 15; because in verse 15, Jesus says, \u201cIf your brother\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we can insert: \u201cIf your husband\u201d \/ \u201cIf your wife\u201d\u2014\u201csins against you, here\u2019s how you do it. Go and tell him his fault.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he deals with this whole issue of forgiveness. Peter says to Jesus, \u201cNow, Lord, how many times will my brother sin against me, and I\u2019m obligated to forgive him?\u201d\u00a0 And I love Peter\u2014he doesn\u2019t even wait for Jesus to answer\u2014he says, \u201cSeven times?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd he\u2019s got to be saying it with a smile\u2014\u201cSeven times?\u201d\u2014because in Peter\u2019s day, the rabbis said you only had to forgive three times\u2014three Mulligans is all you got. Peter takes the number three, multiplies it times two, adds one for good measure to land him on the number of completion. He thinks he is doing good: \u201cSeven times?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 And classic Jesus says, \u201cI do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, someone in here is going: \u201cThat\u2019s 490\u2014good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cMy spouse is on 489.\u201d [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know what Jesus is doing here\u2014He is employing a literary device called hyperbole\u2014He\u2019s exaggerating to make a point. It\u2019s what we parents do all the time when we tell our kids, \u201cI told you a <em>million<\/em> times to clean up the room.\u201d\u00a0 Now, chances are you haven\u2019t told them a million times\u2014unless they\u2019re 16, you have\u2014but chances are you haven\u2019t told them a million times. What you are saying here is: \u201cWe\u2019ve <em>talked<\/em> about this extensively. I\u2019ve told you over and over again.\u201d\u00a0 You are <em>exaggerating<\/em> to make a point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is the point Jesus is making: \u201cOur horizontal forgiveness of one another knows no statute of limitations. It is to have no expiration date because the vertical forgiveness we have received from God, through Christ Jesus, has no expiration date as well.\u201d\u00a0 [Applause]\u00a0 So, Jesus is saying, \u201cI\u2019m calling you\u2014forgive, and forgive, and forgive.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if I\u2019m going to split theological hairs\u2014I want you to understand\u2014our passage is not so much about reconciliation as much as it is on forgiveness; but the truth of the matter is we cannot be reconciled unless we first forgive. So, He is saying, \u201cIf you have come to the foot of the cross, forgive, forgive, forgive.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pretty clear; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It is. I\u2019ve got two application points here. First of all, answer this question: \u201cWhen is the last time you asked your spouse to forgive you for something?\u201d The host of the broadcast will answer it: \u201cLast night, and the day before\u2014and my memory is short after that. [Laughter]\u00a0 But I was sharp with Barbara two days ago. I came back in\u2014I said: \u2018I\u2019m sorry. That was not right. Will you forgive me, please?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tReally, answer the question: \u201cWhen is the last time you humbled yourself and asked your spouse to forgive you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think there are some arrogant listeners to this broadcast\u2014is what I think. And by the way, that could be any of us at any given point of time. We can get arrogant in our sin and think we\u2019re better than\u2026 \u201cWhen is the last time you asked your spouse to forgive you?\u201d\u2014and then, you were quiet \/ and you let them process it\u2014and you had a working definition in your marriage to understand that forgiveness means you give up the right to punish the other person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecond application point\u2014it\u2019s to parents: \u201cDo you realize that how you and your spouse resolve conflict\u2014how you train your children to resolve conflict as they have sibling-rivalry between themselves and between you and them and the family\u2014do you realize you are training a generation of husbands and wives\/ moms and dads, who will someday have to practice good conflict resolution skills in their marriages and families?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou cannot afford to fail. You <em>must<\/em> equip them to know how to do this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if you don\u2019t know how to do it, sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> A.S.A.P. Get you and your spouse to the conference and get some good, biblical practical training with authentic people that aren\u2019t going to give you some pie-in-the-sky baloney about marriage and family\u2014that will talk about it around real family life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m headed out in a few weeks to Branson, Missouri, going to be speaking at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway there. I know you are going to be in Atlanta with Crawford Loritts, coming up in April. We\u2019ve got getaways happening in cities all across the country this spring and would love to have you join us at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, for more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember;<\/em> or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and say, \u201cI want to go to one of the getaways.\u201d We\u2019ll answer any questions you have and make arrangements for you to attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you have any questions, go online to FamilyLifeToday.com; or again, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, this issue of forgiveness\u2014this is a key issue for so many couples. This skill\u2014being able to resolve conflict and being able to forgive someone else\u2014is at the heart of every vibrant marriage relationship; but ultimately, the ability to forgive someone is a spiritual decision we have to make. It is rooted and anchored in understanding that we have been forgiven by the God we have offended with our own sins \/ our own actions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere, at FamilyLife, we are committed to helping couples understand that for a marriage to work the way it\u2019s designed to work, you have to know the Designer. We understand that happy marriages are not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is that men and women would know their Creator; and that, in the context of being forgiven, they could forgive one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I just want to say a word to those of you who have enabled FamilyLife to reach more and more people every year that we\u2019ve been on the radio for the last 25 years\u2014your financial support of this ministry has caused the scope of this ministry to expand every year. When you donate to support this ministry, you are helping us reach more people with practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and their family. And we\u2019re grateful for your partnership with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, if you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d love to send you a set of Resurrection Eggs<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that you can use with your children or with your grandchildren and share with them the story of Easter in a way that is unforgettable for them. That\u2019s our gift to you when you make a donation, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or when you call to donate\u20141-800-FL-TODAY\u2014ask about a set of Resurrection Eggs. Or you can request the eggs when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to introduce you to a mom, who a couple of years into being a mom\u2014she thought she was just failing completely\u2014it just was not coming naturally to her. You\u2019ll meet Hettie Brittz, and you\u2019ll learn how God changed her thinking about being a mom. If you are a young mom, you\u2019ll want to tune in and hear the story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304418","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304418"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304418"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304418"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304418"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304418"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304418"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304418"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}