{"id":304416,"date":"2017-03-13T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-03-13T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/conflict-is-necessary\/"},"modified":"2017-03-13T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-03-13T15:00:00","slug":"conflict-is-necessary","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/conflict-is-necessary\/","title":{"rendered":"Conflict Is Necessary"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A healthy relationship without conflict is a myth.\u00a0From the FamilyLife Today vault, hear classic conversations about conflict and forgiveness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-13.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.77M","filesize_raw":"27021599","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2908,2902],"tags":[2918,2699,2877],"podcast_series":[8197],"cwp_profile":[3437,3073,9079],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304416","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-forgiveness","category-resolving-conflict","tag-conflict","tag-forgiveness","tag-marriage","podcast_series-25-years-of-radio-conflict-and-forgiveness-in-marriage","cwp_profile-dan-allender","cwp_profile-gary-rosberg","cwp_profile-troy-and-sara-groves","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304416\/conflict-is-necessary","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304416\/conflict-is-necessary","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"wR2yanOj6F\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/conflict-is-necessary\/\">Conflict Is Necessary<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/conflict-is-necessary\/embed\/#?secret=wR2yanOj6F\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Conflict Is Necessary&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"wR2yanOj6F\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-13.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-13.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you and your spouse ever experienced any conflict in your marriage? Author and counselor, Gary Rosberg, says you are not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> I got conflict. You got conflict. All God\u2019s children got what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience:<\/strong> Conflict!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! We got it! You see, it is not: \u201c<em>If <\/em>we have it\u2026\u201d \/ it is: \u201c<em>When<\/em> we have it, what are we going to do with it?\u201d The <em>goal<\/em> of marriage is not to be conflict-<em>free<\/em> but to handle conflict <em>correctly<\/em> when it occurs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, March 13<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Dennis and I have learned a lot about marital conflict over the last quarter century. Some of it we have learned on our own, but we\u2019ve gotten a lot a help from some friends as well. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I\u2019m just curious\u2014how many years does it take for you to be married\u2014at what year does the conflict part stop? How many\u2014and I\u2019m asking for a friend\u2014this is not anything I need to know personally. I\u2019m just asking\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Of course. Of course, you know the answer\u2014you\u2019re smiling as you ask the question\u2014[Laughter]\u2014of course. Well, I can tell you from my experience last night. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You haven\u2019t reached the golden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I have not!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the golden rainbow yet? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Barbara said to me, at the end of the day\u2014this was after several just back-and-forth misunderstandings\u2014 \u201cYou know, you and I are just not in sync; are we?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe answer is: \u201cI don\u2019t think\u2014until you cash it all in, Bob\u2014[Laughter]\u2014and it is til death do you part that there really is going to be no conflict, because what happens between two imperfect human beings\u2014who tend to be selfish, and hardnosed, and not teachable at points\u2014we communicate with one another imperfectly, even with the <em>best<\/em> of intentions!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had a weekend\u2014I was kind of depleted near the end of the weekend. MaryAnn still had some expectations for energy from me that I just\u2014I mean, I probably could have mustered it up; but I didn\u2019t really want to\u2014I wanted to stay in the chair.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, here\u2019s the thing, Bob\u2014you experienced that sitting in the chair and I experienced it last night. You\u2019re never going to outgrow the need for asking for forgiveness and learning how to grant forgiveness. I think marriage is God\u2019s greatest school. Maybe the only thing that comes close to it, that\u2019s in second place, would be family\u2014your immediate family \/ your kids\u2014but then, beyond that, your extended family. I mean, you are going to have a lot of opportunity to miscommunicate, misunderstand, and hurt one another. I think we are not talking enough about this subject of forgiveness, because it is at the heart of what Christ came to do for us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ll just read the verse\u2014maybe the most oft-quoted verse that we\u2019ve had, here in 25 years, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. By the way\u201425 years\u2014we\u2019re celebrating it all this year. We\u2019re about to share with you a few clips from broadcasts in the past. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what Paul said in Ephesians, Chapter 4, verse 32: \u201cBe kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.\u201d It\u2019s not optional. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is the glue of the marriage relationship and families. How else can you go the distance all the way to the finish line, without practicing asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think I had that verse memorized 25 years ago when we started <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, [Laughter] but I do today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s one that my kids have memorized \/ it\u2019s one that we\u2019ve <em>needed<\/em> in our family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s interesting how soon it can show up. We\u2019ve had a guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Sara Groves, who is an outstanding musician\/singer. It started on her honeymoon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She and her husband Troy were here, talking about how much they benefitted from one of FamilyLife\u2019s <em>HomeBuilders<\/em> groups, which they had gone through with other couples. They talked about how the whole issue of expectations can lead to conflict in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> One of my favorite conversations ever was about honeymoon expectations. It was <em>so<\/em> great because we just\u2014we all just admitted that you have all these\u2014the woman wants this totally romantic\u2014I mean, the poor guys, what are they going to do? They\u2019re set up from the beginning. You expect all the most perfect things\u2014you\u2019re just bound to have something go wrong. With the stories that morning, we were just\u2014I still remember that. We just were\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> The sandwich\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> \u2014on our sides; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait, wait, wait! The sandwich\u2014what about the sandwich?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes! What\u2019s with the sandwich? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> [Laughter] That\u2019s my own personal story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, you\u2019re turning red\u2014so it must be a good one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> It\u2019s a good one. You can choose to air this or not. I\u2019ll tell it\u2014I don\u2019t mind telling it. I had a girlfriend that got married just a couple months before I did. So, she was my only template. She had gone out and bought these\u2014for basically a seven-day honeymoon\u2014she had seven little outfits. I had done the same thing. I was just going to be as cute as I could be. The thing of it\u2014we were on our honeymoon. We would be\u2014we would start\u2014he\u2019d start to be romantic. I\u2019d say, \u201cWait right here.\u201d I\u2019d take off for an hour, getting ready for this romantic moment\u2014I\u2019d just kill the mood; you know. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhile I\u2019m in there, getting ready, he\u2019d ordered a sandwich; and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> I turned on the basketball game.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> \u2014and turned on the basketball game. When I walked out\u2014again, my expectation is extremely high\u2014I\u2019m expecting him to throw the sandwich across the room\u2014like: \u201cWho would eat at a moment like this? You just look ravishing,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014and turn off \/ at least, turn off the game. He looks up and \u201cHey, how are you doing?\u201d He takes another bite of his sandwich. It didn\u2019t take much; you know\u2014I just <em>blew<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Troy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> It was Day Four. It was the fourth outfit\u2014[Laughter]\u2014if you know what I mean. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It had taken an hour! It had taken an hour to get the outfit on!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> I know! And he was hungry; you know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You kind of forgot what it was all about!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara: <\/strong>I start saying: \u201cDo you think I wear this \u2018cause I like it? I don\u2019t!\u201d You know, I would just freak out on him\u2014poor guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe just had a ball that day, talking about all the expectations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy mom called me right before Easter\u2014we got married in January\u2014so right before Easter she called me. Now, she knows me really well. She said, \u201cSara, I do not want to get a phone call on Easter morning, crying about how he did not get you this and he did not get\u2014there was no basket.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said, \u201cYou tell him, right now, what kind of basket you get \/ what kind of candy you have in,\u201d because my mom is a real\u2014she does traditions. Our family does traditions. She said, \u201cYou do not set him up like that.\u201d She said, \u201cYou tell him, \u2018This is what I need from you.\u2019\u201d So that was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And did you come through with the basket?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> \u2014that was our first Easter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> Did I come through?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> You came through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy: <\/strong>Alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did he come through?! I mean, the guy knows better. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Dog bite me once, blame\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I have no doubt about it; you know? [Laughter] But what is marriage?\u2014but one lifetime process of learning the expectations of your spouse. If you have never been to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> getaway, I think it is one of the best training conferences in the world to teach you how to forgive your imperfect spouse and how he or she can forgive his or her imperfect spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The thing that\u2019s so encouraging at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway is\u2014you recognize you are not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Everybody\u2019s laughing, just like you and I were at them, because it\u2019s happened in <em>our<\/em> marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Every couple lives through these things and has to learn how to\u2014how to deal with conflict. In fact, one of the couples who spoke, years ago, at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways, Gary and Barb Rosberg\u2014Gary had written a book called <em>Dr. Rosberg\u2019s Do-It-Yourself Relationship Mender<\/em>. I think that\u2019s what it is called, and it was all about resolving conflict. He spoke at a getaway and talked about how this is common to all marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> I got conflict. You got conflict. All God\u2019s children got what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience:<\/strong> Conflict!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! We got it! You see, it is not: \u201c<em>If<\/em> we have it\u2026\u201d \/ it is: \u201c<em>When<\/em> we have it, what are we going to do with it?\u201d The <em>goal<\/em> of marriage is not to be conflict-<em>free<\/em> but to handle conflict <em>correctly<\/em> when it occurs. You see, everyone\u2019s got conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA lot of people think, \u201cWe don\u2019t have conflict when you\u2019re dating\/premarital.\u201d Oh, yes, you do! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a couple that I wrote about that were just real dear people. I was treating them a couple years ago\u2014they were getting ready for marriage. They were getting married between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I go through all sorts of things in pre-marital counseling, but I got to the issue of conflict\u2014I said: \u201cAlright; let\u2019s talk about conflict. This is one of my favorite topics. Let\u2019s talk about this.\u201d They said, \u201cAlright.\u201d I said, \u201cYou guys, what do you do when you have conflict?\u201d Then I sat back, got my pen out, and got ready to take notes. They said, \u201cWell, Dr. Rosberg, we\u2019ve never had conflict.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said: \u201cWell, let me rephrase the question. When you have\u2014you know, when you\u2019re ticked off\u2014you have kind of a fight with each other \/ argument\u2014how do you deal with it?\u201d Then I sat back, waiting for the answer. And they said, \u201cGary we\u2019ve never had an argument.\u201d I went to check their pulse to make sure they were alive. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cYou\u2019ve been dating 11 years, and you\u2019ve never had an argument?\u201d They looked at each other, kind of grabbed each other\u2019s hands, squished up their nose, you know, like pre-marrieds do. [Laughter] I looked at them, and I thought I was in the twilight zone; you know. I said, \u201cYou\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> had a conflict?\u201d \u201cNo!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cNow, you guys are getting married between Thanksgiving and Christmas.\u201d And they said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve got a question\u2014where are you going to spend your last Thanksgiving as single adults?\u201d [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey looked like two parakeets\u2014you know, on the little stick? At the exact same time, they said, \u201c<em>My<\/em> parents\u2019 house.\u201d [Laughter] Then they turned to each other and I went [clap]: \u201cWe\u2019ve got a conflict!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s just call it what it is; okay? Name it! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember how things like that emerge during the first years of marriage\u2014things that you had not anticipated. You just had a fixed idea about who takes out the trash, about who dries the dishes, about what Saturdays are supposed to look like at your house; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You had some conflict around that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You just can\u2019t anticipate the areas where this stuff is going to show up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, I don\u2019t care how long you have been married\u2014two days, two weeks, two months, twenty years, forty years \/ fifty years\u2014it\u2019s really a healthy process of admitting you\u2019ve been hurt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCall it what it is\u2014\u201cYes, I\u2019ve been hurt,\u201d\u2014and then try, if you can, to articulate how you were hurt and how it made you feel. But then invite the other person \/ invite your spouse back into fellowship and back into relationship; because all of us\u2014if we live long enough, Bob\u2014we\u2019re going to grow old together or grow alone \/ isolated from one another. To me, that\u2019s really a tragedy; because that is <em>not<\/em>\u2014that is <em>not<\/em> what God had in mind for a marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Some people, when it comes to conflict\u2014they just stuff it; because they think that it is somehow unspiritual to be hurt by somebody else, or to acknowledge that you\u2019ve been hurt, or that you got angry. So they just try to pretend like it didn\u2019t happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s what happens in a marriage relationship, Bob; because two people do hurt one another, and then we start believing the worst about them. We start believing that they take advantage of you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t think\u2014I really don\u2019t think there are very many women at all, listening to this broadcast, who\u2014if they had a husband, who came home tonight and said: \u201cSweetheart, you know, I\u2019ve just been thinking through what happened the other night \/ the other day. It hurt me\u2014I just need you to know that. I want to make things right in our relationship.\u201d I think a wife, who\u2019s got a heart for God and wants to follow Jesus Christ, is going to do what Ephesians 4:32 commands us to do\u2014forgive one another and ask the other person to forgive you so you can both enjoy the forgiveness of Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had a conversation, years ago, with our friend, Dr. Dan Allender, who is a well-known author\/speaker. He was here to talk about conflict in marriage. He made the point that\u2014when we can have the courage to acknowledge conflict, and hurt, and pain in our relationship\u2014it can actually take the relationship to a deeper level than if we just stuff it all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong> I talked to one couple\u2014they were nearly in their 70s. He assured me, with this great warmth: \u201cI love my wife,\u201d and \u201cWe have had a marriage that, literally for 50 years, we have never had one conflict.\u201d Part of me wanted to rejoice with them, but I couldn\u2019t fully because that\u2019s not <em>true<\/em> love. Love opens the door to a kind of conflict, where the things in the heart that need to be disrupted are disrupted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So you\u2019re saying it\u2019s not just a one dimensional or kind of a vanilla flavor; but it\u2019s more of a Technicolor, multi-colored experience of a relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong> Absolutely! What it means so simply to love is: \u201cI want to give you a taste of God. When I love you, I am giving you a taste of His character, which involves\u2014we <em>know<\/em> God is merciful\u2014so to give you a taste of tenderness; that is, a taste of \u2018I have a kindness of heart towards you.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrankly, that\u2019s disruptive. We like people pleasant; but we don\u2019t want people <em>that kind<\/em>, moving toward us with that kind of warmth, and generosity, and care. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, you have\u2014God is not just merciful but holy, righteous, pure\u2014which means, at one level, I am to move toward you with a sense of <em>strength<\/em>. When I offer you both, mercy and strength, there\u2019s no question, I\u2019m going to disrupt your life, just as you are going to disrupt <em>mine<\/em>. At that level, we\u2019re talking about a kind of relationship in a marriage or in friendships that goes well beyond the vanilla \/ well beyond peace at any cost.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s was great point that you made\u2014that if you\u2019re living a conflict-free existence, you have to wonder: \u201cWhat are you talking about? What\u2019s going on in your relationship? How surface are you staying to stay conflict-free?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I wonder what the elevation was of your rug, too; [Laughter] because, if you\u2019ve not had any conflict, you basically have got a mountain in your living room that has been swept under there for a number of years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I\u2019m reminded of a quote\u2014I\u2019m not going to get this exactly right\u2014but I think it was\u2014I think it was Teddy Roosevelt, who talked about going for great victories, striving and doing great deeds and great battles rather than being a part of a group of people, who lived in what he called the grey twilight, that knows neither victory nor defeat. I think there\u2019s a lot of marriages, who live in that grey twilight, who\u2019ve never\u2014never experienced the mercy of God from their spouse when they blew it; because, somehow, they\u2019ve smoothed it all over and never had to express mercy\u2014and frankly, never been stretched by providing mercy and growing in your own faith, realizing you\u2019ve got a responsibility to love an imperfect person. I think this subject of forgiveness really does need to be revisited, because it is at the heart of the gospel. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis last clip we are going to play here is by Dr. Voddie Baucham. Voddie, for a number of years, was pastor of a church in Houston, Texas, and is now in Zambia, leading a seminary\u2014training pastors from all over the continent of Africa. Voddie believes that our understanding of forgiveness is tied to the gospel of Jesus Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Voddie:<\/strong> So why don\u2019t we forgive? One reason we don\u2019t forgive is because we do not comprehend the gospel. When I am constantly and consistently reminding myself of the price that was paid for <em>my<\/em> sin \/ when I am constantly and consistently <em>rejoicing<\/em> in and praising God for the forgiveness that is <em>mine<\/em> in Christ, I <em>cannot<\/em> harbor unforgiveness toward <em>you<\/em>\u2014I can\u2019t do it! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I am constantly burdened down under the weight of the majesty of the forgiveness that I have received \/ when I am constantly reminded that the precious, spotless, sinless Lamb of God was <em>crushed<\/em> and killed\u2014<em>crucified<\/em> at the will and beckoning of his <em>own<\/em> Father\u2014and that that perfect <em>life<\/em> was exchanged for <em>mine<\/em>, it is <em>impossible<\/em> for me to continue to harbor unforgiveness toward you. If you are harboring unforgiveness, I want to point you back to the gospel \/ if you are harboring unforgiveness, I want to point you back to Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecondly, I harbor unforgiveness because I\u2019m wrong about the definition of forgiveness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, some people hold onto unforgiveness because you believe forgiveness means you have to forget. That\u2019s a common cultural saying, but it\u2019s not Bible. \u201cIt says that \u2018God casts our sins into the sea of forgetfulness\u2019!\u201d Yes; see\u2014you ain\u2019t Him. [Laughter] Literally, what that <em>means<\/em> is that God casts <em>off<\/em> the punishment due to your sins when you understand what forgiveness means. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow wait\u2014it\u2019s not the beauty of forgiveness \/ the beauty of forgiveness is not that you can\u2019t remember what happened\u2014the beauty of forgiveness is that, in spite of the fact that you remember and may never forget, <em>you<\/em> give up your right to punish. That\u2019s the beauty of forgiveness. [Applause]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pretty good definition there: \u201c\u2026giving up the right to punish.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was getting ready to share it if he didn\u2019t. You can tell if you\u2019ve forgiven someone if you have given up the right to punish them. I want to apply this in three areas.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFirst of all, to husbands and their wives\u2014to the little ways we hurt each other and the <em>big<\/em> ways. You can harbor it, you can let it fester, and let it grow a root of bitterness in your soul\u2014and it\u2019s going to poison <em>you<\/em>, your spouse, your marriage, your family, and your legacy\u2014maybe for generations. You\u2019ve got to give it up. You have to say to the other person: \u201cI forgive you. I give up my right to punish you any further. You are forgiven.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second group of people I want to address are those who have parents, who hurt them deeply. There are some listening to this broadcast who have not yet given up the right to punish their parents because what was done\u2014the damage \/ the hurt that was done when you were growing up\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014maybe it was evil, maybe it was beyond harmful, it was unthinkable what was done\u2014find somebody to help you move through and move past that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe third group of people\u2014these are people at work. As I have thought about this illustration, Bob, I actually thought about the Capitol in Washington, DC\u2014a group of elected officials, who do hurt one another. I want to tell you something\u2014I cannot imagine being a senator, or a representative, or an appointee, or the President or Vice President, regardless of the party\u2014I can\u2019t imagine today\u2014because we are in <em>need<\/em> of the fresh winds of forgiveness filling the souls of our leaders in Congress, and in the Executive Branch of government, and in the Supreme Court.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would just challenge any of you, who are listening today: \u201cWould you be the one who begins to reach across the aisle? Ask your friend \/ your fellow patriot to forgive you for something you said. Begin to practice the wisdom from above.\u201d James talked about it\u2014it is peaceful, it is righteous, and it is healing. It provides and promotes unity, whether it\u2019s a marriage, whether it\u2019s a family, or whether it\u2019s a nation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and I have met enough couples at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway who are\u2014they\u2019re stuck. We\u2019ve got a book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center that was written by one of the couples who speak at our getaways, Tim and Joy Downs. The book is called, <em>Fight Fair<\/em>. The subtitle is <em>Winning at Conflict Without Losing at Love<\/em>. Tim and Joy give very practical help on how you can navigate your way through a conflict so that you can get to a loving conclusion, which is where we want to get to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the Downs\u2019 book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, along with other resources available on the whole issue of forgiveness and conflict resolution. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. Look for more information about the resources we have, including the book, <em>Fight Fair<\/em>. Again the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Or call if you have any questions or if you\u2019d like to order the books by phone\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number\u20141-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, you talked earlier about what a privilege it has been, for almost a quarter of a century now, to each day offer practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to say a special word of thanks today to those of you who make this program possible through your financial contributions to this ministry. Every time you make a donation, you make it possible for more people to hear God\u2019s design for marriage and family. That\u2019s our goal, here at FamilyLife\u2014we want to see every home become a godly home. We appreciate your partnership with us as financial supporters of this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can make a donation today in support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d love to send you, as a thank-you gift, a set of our popular Resurrection Eggs<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. These were designed to teach pre-school children and early elementary-aged children the story of Easter in a way that captures their attention and makes it memorable. Request a set of Resurrection Eggs when you donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also request the Resurrection Eggs when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk more about resolving conflict in our marriage relationship. We want to talk about a verse that you\u2019re probably familiar with but that you may have not understood the way you ought to understand it. It\u2019s the verse in Ephesians that says don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger. We\u2019ll talk about what that means and what it doesn\u2019t mean tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25.77M"],"filesize_raw":["27021599"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304416.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304416.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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healthy relationship without conflict is a myth.\u00a0From the FamilyLife Today vault, hear classic conversations about conflict and forgiveness.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-03-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you and your spouse ever experienced any conflict in your marriage? Author and counselor, Gary Rosberg, says you are not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> I got conflict. You got conflict. All God\u2019s children got what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience:<\/strong> Conflict!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! We got it! You see, it is not: \u201c<em>If <\/em>we have it\u2026\u201d \/ it is: \u201c<em>When<\/em> we have it, what are we going to do with it?\u201d The <em>goal<\/em> of marriage is not to be conflict-<em>free<\/em> but to handle conflict <em>correctly<\/em> when it occurs.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, March 13<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Dennis and I have learned a lot about marital conflict over the last quarter century. Some of it we have learned on our own, but we\u2019ve gotten a lot a help from some friends as well. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I\u2019m just curious\u2014how many years does it take for you to be married\u2014at what year does the conflict part stop? How many\u2014and I\u2019m asking for a friend\u2014this is not anything I need to know personally. I\u2019m just asking\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Of course. Of course, you know the answer\u2014you\u2019re smiling as you ask the question\u2014[Laughter]\u2014of course. Well, I can tell you from my experience last night. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You haven\u2019t reached the golden\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I have not!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014the golden rainbow yet? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Barbara said to me, at the end of the day\u2014this was after several just back-and-forth misunderstandings\u2014 \u201cYou know, you and I are just not in sync; are we?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe answer is: \u201cI don\u2019t think\u2014until you cash it all in, Bob\u2014[Laughter]\u2014and it is til death do you part that there really is going to be no conflict, because what happens between two imperfect human beings\u2014who tend to be selfish, and hardnosed, and not teachable at points\u2014we communicate with one another imperfectly, even with the <em>best<\/em> of intentions!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had a weekend\u2014I was kind of depleted near the end of the weekend. MaryAnn still had some expectations for energy from me that I just\u2014I mean, I probably could have mustered it up; but I didn\u2019t really want to\u2014I wanted to stay in the chair.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, here\u2019s the thing, Bob\u2014you experienced that sitting in the chair and I experienced it last night. You\u2019re never going to outgrow the need for asking for forgiveness and learning how to grant forgiveness. I think marriage is God\u2019s greatest school. Maybe the only thing that comes close to it, that\u2019s in second place, would be family\u2014your immediate family \/ your kids\u2014but then, beyond that, your extended family. I mean, you are going to have a lot of opportunity to miscommunicate, misunderstand, and hurt one another. I think we are not talking enough about this subject of forgiveness, because it is at the heart of what Christ came to do for us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ll just read the verse\u2014maybe the most oft-quoted verse that we\u2019ve had, here in 25 years, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. By the way\u201425 years\u2014we\u2019re celebrating it all this year. We\u2019re about to share with you a few clips from broadcasts in the past. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what Paul said in Ephesians, Chapter 4, verse 32: \u201cBe kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.\u201d It\u2019s not optional. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is the glue of the marriage relationship and families. How else can you go the distance all the way to the finish line, without practicing asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think I had that verse memorized 25 years ago when we started <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, [Laughter] but I do today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s one that my kids have memorized \/ it\u2019s one that we\u2019ve <em>needed<\/em> in our family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; it\u2019s interesting how soon it can show up. We\u2019ve had a guest on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Sara Groves, who is an outstanding musician\/singer. It started on her honeymoon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> She and her husband Troy were here, talking about how much they benefitted from one of FamilyLife\u2019s <em>HomeBuilders<\/em> groups, which they had gone through with other couples. They talked about how the whole issue of expectations can lead to conflict in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> One of my favorite conversations ever was about honeymoon expectations. It was <em>so<\/em> great because we just\u2014we all just admitted that you have all these\u2014the woman wants this totally romantic\u2014I mean, the poor guys, what are they going to do? They\u2019re set up from the beginning. You expect all the most perfect things\u2014you\u2019re just bound to have something go wrong. With the stories that morning, we were just\u2014I still remember that. We just were\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> The sandwich\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> \u2014on our sides; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait, wait, wait! The sandwich\u2014what about the sandwich?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes! What\u2019s with the sandwich? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> [Laughter] That\u2019s my own personal story.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, you\u2019re turning red\u2014so it must be a good one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> It\u2019s a good one. You can choose to air this or not. I\u2019ll tell it\u2014I don\u2019t mind telling it. I had a girlfriend that got married just a couple months before I did. So, she was my only template. She had gone out and bought these\u2014for basically a seven-day honeymoon\u2014she had seven little outfits. I had done the same thing. I was just going to be as cute as I could be. The thing of it\u2014we were on our honeymoon. We would be\u2014we would start\u2014he\u2019d start to be romantic. I\u2019d say, \u201cWait right here.\u201d I\u2019d take off for an hour, getting ready for this romantic moment\u2014I\u2019d just kill the mood; you know. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhile I\u2019m in there, getting ready, he\u2019d ordered a sandwich; and\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> I turned on the basketball game.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> \u2014and turned on the basketball game. When I walked out\u2014again, my expectation is extremely high\u2014I\u2019m expecting him to throw the sandwich across the room\u2014like: \u201cWho would eat at a moment like this? You just look ravishing,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014and turn off \/ at least, turn off the game. He looks up and \u201cHey, how are you doing?\u201d He takes another bite of his sandwich. It didn\u2019t take much; you know\u2014I just <em>blew<\/em>. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Troy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> It was Day Four. It was the fourth outfit\u2014[Laughter]\u2014if you know what I mean. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It had taken an hour! It had taken an hour to get the outfit on!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> I know! And he was hungry; you know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You kind of forgot what it was all about!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara: <\/strong>I start saying: \u201cDo you think I wear this \u2018cause I like it? I don\u2019t!\u201d You know, I would just freak out on him\u2014poor guy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe just had a ball that day, talking about all the expectations. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy mom called me right before Easter\u2014we got married in January\u2014so right before Easter she called me. Now, she knows me really well. She said, \u201cSara, I do not want to get a phone call on Easter morning, crying about how he did not get you this and he did not get\u2014there was no basket.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe said, \u201cYou tell him, right now, what kind of basket you get \/ what kind of candy you have in,\u201d because my mom is a real\u2014she does traditions. Our family does traditions. She said, \u201cYou do not set him up like that.\u201d She said, \u201cYou tell him, \u2018This is what I need from you.\u2019\u201d So that was\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And did you come through with the basket?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> \u2014that was our first Easter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy:<\/strong> Did I come through?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sara:<\/strong> You came through.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Troy: <\/strong>Alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did he come through?! I mean, the guy knows better. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Dog bite me once, blame\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I have no doubt about it; you know? [Laughter] But what is marriage?\u2014but one lifetime process of learning the expectations of your spouse. If you have never been to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> getaway, I think it is one of the best training conferences in the world to teach you how to forgive your imperfect spouse and how he or she can forgive his or her imperfect spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The thing that\u2019s so encouraging at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway is\u2014you recognize you are not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Everybody\u2019s laughing, just like you and I were at them, because it\u2019s happened in <em>our<\/em> marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Every couple lives through these things and has to learn how to\u2014how to deal with conflict. In fact, one of the couples who spoke, years ago, at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways, Gary and Barb Rosberg\u2014Gary had written a book called <em>Dr. Rosberg\u2019s Do-It-Yourself Relationship Mender<\/em>. I think that\u2019s what it is called, and it was all about resolving conflict. He spoke at a getaway and talked about how this is common to all marriages.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> I got conflict. You got conflict. All God\u2019s children got what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience:<\/strong> Conflict!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gary:<\/strong> That\u2019s right! We got it! You see, it is not: \u201c<em>If<\/em> we have it\u2026\u201d \/ it is: \u201c<em>When<\/em> we have it, what are we going to do with it?\u201d The <em>goal<\/em> of marriage is not to be conflict-<em>free<\/em> but to handle conflict <em>correctly<\/em> when it occurs. You see, everyone\u2019s got conflict. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA lot of people think, \u201cWe don\u2019t have conflict when you\u2019re dating\/premarital.\u201d Oh, yes, you do! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s a couple that I wrote about that were just real dear people. I was treating them a couple years ago\u2014they were getting ready for marriage. They were getting married between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I go through all sorts of things in pre-marital counseling, but I got to the issue of conflict\u2014I said: \u201cAlright; let\u2019s talk about conflict. This is one of my favorite topics. Let\u2019s talk about this.\u201d They said, \u201cAlright.\u201d I said, \u201cYou guys, what do you do when you have conflict?\u201d Then I sat back, got my pen out, and got ready to take notes. They said, \u201cWell, Dr. Rosberg, we\u2019ve never had conflict.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said: \u201cWell, let me rephrase the question. When you have\u2014you know, when you\u2019re ticked off\u2014you have kind of a fight with each other \/ argument\u2014how do you deal with it?\u201d Then I sat back, waiting for the answer. And they said, \u201cGary we\u2019ve never had an argument.\u201d I went to check their pulse to make sure they were alive. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cYou\u2019ve been dating 11 years, and you\u2019ve never had an argument?\u201d They looked at each other, kind of grabbed each other\u2019s hands, squished up their nose, you know, like pre-marrieds do. [Laughter] I looked at them, and I thought I was in the twilight zone; you know. I said, \u201cYou\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> had a conflict?\u201d \u201cNo!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cNow, you guys are getting married between Thanksgiving and Christmas.\u201d And they said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve got a question\u2014where are you going to spend your last Thanksgiving as single adults?\u201d [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey looked like two parakeets\u2014you know, on the little stick? At the exact same time, they said, \u201c<em>My<\/em> parents\u2019 house.\u201d [Laughter] Then they turned to each other and I went [clap]: \u201cWe\u2019ve got a conflict!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s just call it what it is; okay? Name it! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember how things like that emerge during the first years of marriage\u2014things that you had not anticipated. You just had a fixed idea about who takes out the trash, about who dries the dishes, about what Saturdays are supposed to look like at your house; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You had some conflict around that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We did.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You just can\u2019t anticipate the areas where this stuff is going to show up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, I don\u2019t care how long you have been married\u2014two days, two weeks, two months, twenty years, forty years \/ fifty years\u2014it\u2019s really a healthy process of admitting you\u2019ve been hurt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCall it what it is\u2014\u201cYes, I\u2019ve been hurt,\u201d\u2014and then try, if you can, to articulate how you were hurt and how it made you feel. But then invite the other person \/ invite your spouse back into fellowship and back into relationship; because all of us\u2014if we live long enough, Bob\u2014we\u2019re going to grow old together or grow alone \/ isolated from one another. To me, that\u2019s really a tragedy; because that is <em>not<\/em>\u2014that is <em>not<\/em> what God had in mind for a marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Some people, when it comes to conflict\u2014they just stuff it; because they think that it is somehow unspiritual to be hurt by somebody else, or to acknowledge that you\u2019ve been hurt, or that you got angry. So they just try to pretend like it didn\u2019t happen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s what happens in a marriage relationship, Bob; because two people do hurt one another, and then we start believing the worst about them. We start believing that they take advantage of you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t think\u2014I really don\u2019t think there are very many women at all, listening to this broadcast, who\u2014if they had a husband, who came home tonight and said: \u201cSweetheart, you know, I\u2019ve just been thinking through what happened the other night \/ the other day. It hurt me\u2014I just need you to know that. I want to make things right in our relationship.\u201d I think a wife, who\u2019s got a heart for God and wants to follow Jesus Christ, is going to do what Ephesians 4:32 commands us to do\u2014forgive one another and ask the other person to forgive you so you can both enjoy the forgiveness of Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had a conversation, years ago, with our friend, Dr. Dan Allender, who is a well-known author\/speaker. He was here to talk about conflict in marriage. He made the point that\u2014when we can have the courage to acknowledge conflict, and hurt, and pain in our relationship\u2014it can actually take the relationship to a deeper level than if we just stuff it all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Previous Interview]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong> I talked to one couple\u2014they were nearly in their 70s. He assured me, with this great warmth: \u201cI love my wife,\u201d and \u201cWe have had a marriage that, literally for 50 years, we have never had one conflict.\u201d Part of me wanted to rejoice with them, but I couldn\u2019t fully because that\u2019s not <em>true<\/em> love. Love opens the door to a kind of conflict, where the things in the heart that need to be disrupted are disrupted.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So you\u2019re saying it\u2019s not just a one dimensional or kind of a vanilla flavor; but it\u2019s more of a Technicolor, multi-colored experience of a relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan:<\/strong> Absolutely! What it means so simply to love is: \u201cI want to give you a taste of God. When I love you, I am giving you a taste of His character, which involves\u2014we <em>know<\/em> God is merciful\u2014so to give you a taste of tenderness; that is, a taste of \u2018I have a kindness of heart towards you.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrankly, that\u2019s disruptive. We like people pleasant; but we don\u2019t want people <em>that kind<\/em>, moving toward us with that kind of warmth, and generosity, and care. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn the other hand, you have\u2014God is not just merciful but holy, righteous, pure\u2014which means, at one level, I am to move toward you with a sense of <em>strength<\/em>. When I offer you both, mercy and strength, there\u2019s no question, I\u2019m going to disrupt your life, just as you are going to disrupt <em>mine<\/em>. At that level, we\u2019re talking about a kind of relationship in a marriage or in friendships that goes well beyond the vanilla \/ well beyond peace at any cost.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s was great point that you made\u2014that if you\u2019re living a conflict-free existence, you have to wonder: \u201cWhat are you talking about? What\u2019s going on in your relationship? How surface are you staying to stay conflict-free?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I wonder what the elevation was of your rug, too; [Laughter] because, if you\u2019ve not had any conflict, you basically have got a mountain in your living room that has been swept under there for a number of years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob, I\u2019m reminded of a quote\u2014I\u2019m not going to get this exactly right\u2014but I think it was\u2014I think it was Teddy Roosevelt, who talked about going for great victories, striving and doing great deeds and great battles rather than being a part of a group of people, who lived in what he called the grey twilight, that knows neither victory nor defeat. I think there\u2019s a lot of marriages, who live in that grey twilight, who\u2019ve never\u2014never experienced the mercy of God from their spouse when they blew it; because, somehow, they\u2019ve smoothed it all over and never had to express mercy\u2014and frankly, never been stretched by providing mercy and growing in your own faith, realizing you\u2019ve got a responsibility to love an imperfect person. I think this subject of forgiveness really does need to be revisited, because it is at the heart of the gospel. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis last clip we are going to play here is by Dr. Voddie Baucham. Voddie, for a number of years, was pastor of a church in Houston, Texas, and is now in Zambia, leading a seminary\u2014training pastors from all over the continent of Africa. Voddie believes that our understanding of forgiveness is tied to the gospel of Jesus Christ.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Voddie:<\/strong> So why don\u2019t we forgive? One reason we don\u2019t forgive is because we do not comprehend the gospel. When I am constantly and consistently reminding myself of the price that was paid for <em>my<\/em> sin \/ when I am constantly and consistently <em>rejoicing<\/em> in and praising God for the forgiveness that is <em>mine<\/em> in Christ, I <em>cannot<\/em> harbor unforgiveness toward <em>you<\/em>\u2014I can\u2019t do it! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I am constantly burdened down under the weight of the majesty of the forgiveness that I have received \/ when I am constantly reminded that the precious, spotless, sinless Lamb of God was <em>crushed<\/em> and killed\u2014<em>crucified<\/em> at the will and beckoning of his <em>own<\/em> Father\u2014and that that perfect <em>life<\/em> was exchanged for <em>mine<\/em>, it is <em>impossible<\/em> for me to continue to harbor unforgiveness toward you. If you are harboring unforgiveness, I want to point you back to the gospel \/ if you are harboring unforgiveness, I want to point you back to Christ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecondly, I harbor unforgiveness because I\u2019m wrong about the definition of forgiveness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, some people hold onto unforgiveness because you believe forgiveness means you have to forget. That\u2019s a common cultural saying, but it\u2019s not Bible. \u201cIt says that \u2018God casts our sins into the sea of forgetfulness\u2019!\u201d Yes; see\u2014you ain\u2019t Him. [Laughter] Literally, what that <em>means<\/em> is that God casts <em>off<\/em> the punishment due to your sins when you understand what forgiveness means. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow wait\u2014it\u2019s not the beauty of forgiveness \/ the beauty of forgiveness is not that you can\u2019t remember what happened\u2014the beauty of forgiveness is that, in spite of the fact that you remember and may never forget, <em>you<\/em> give up your right to punish. That\u2019s the beauty of forgiveness. [Applause]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pretty good definition there: \u201c\u2026giving up the right to punish.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I was getting ready to share it if he didn\u2019t. You can tell if you\u2019ve forgiven someone if you have given up the right to punish them. I want to apply this in three areas.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFirst of all, to husbands and their wives\u2014to the little ways we hurt each other and the <em>big<\/em> ways. You can harbor it, you can let it fester, and let it grow a root of bitterness in your soul\u2014and it\u2019s going to poison <em>you<\/em>, your spouse, your marriage, your family, and your legacy\u2014maybe for generations. You\u2019ve got to give it up. You have to say to the other person: \u201cI forgive you. I give up my right to punish you any further. You are forgiven.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe second group of people I want to address are those who have parents, who hurt them deeply. There are some listening to this broadcast who have not yet given up the right to punish their parents because what was done\u2014the damage \/ the hurt that was done when you were growing up\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014maybe it was evil, maybe it was beyond harmful, it was unthinkable what was done\u2014find somebody to help you move through and move past that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe third group of people\u2014these are people at work. As I have thought about this illustration, Bob, I actually thought about the Capitol in Washington, DC\u2014a group of elected officials, who do hurt one another. I want to tell you something\u2014I cannot imagine being a senator, or a representative, or an appointee, or the President or Vice President, regardless of the party\u2014I can\u2019t imagine today\u2014because we are in <em>need<\/em> of the fresh winds of forgiveness filling the souls of our leaders in Congress, and in the Executive Branch of government, and in the Supreme Court.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would just challenge any of you, who are listening today: \u201cWould you be the one who begins to reach across the aisle? Ask your friend \/ your fellow patriot to forgive you for something you said. Begin to practice the wisdom from above.\u201d James talked about it\u2014it is peaceful, it is righteous, and it is healing. It provides and promotes unity, whether it\u2019s a marriage, whether it\u2019s a family, or whether it\u2019s a nation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You and I have met enough couples at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway who are\u2014they\u2019re stuck. We\u2019ve got a book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center that was written by one of the couples who speak at our getaways, Tim and Joy Downs. The book is called, <em>Fight Fair<\/em>. The subtitle is <em>Winning at Conflict Without Losing at Love<\/em>. Tim and Joy give very practical help on how you can navigate your way through a conflict so that you can get to a loving conclusion, which is where we want to get to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the Downs\u2019 book in our FamilyLife Resource Center, along with other resources available on the whole issue of forgiveness and conflict resolution. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. Look for more information about the resources we have, including the book, <em>Fight Fair<\/em>. Again the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. Or call if you have any questions or if you\u2019d like to order the books by phone\u20141-800-FL-TODAY is our number\u20141-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, you talked earlier about what a privilege it has been, for almost a quarter of a century now, to each day offer practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to say a special word of thanks today to those of you who make this program possible through your financial contributions to this ministry. Every time you make a donation, you make it possible for more people to hear God\u2019s design for marriage and family. That\u2019s our goal, here at FamilyLife\u2014we want to see every home become a godly home. We appreciate your partnership with us as financial supporters of this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you can make a donation today in support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, we\u2019d love to send you, as a thank-you gift, a set of our popular Resurrection Eggs<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. These were designed to teach pre-school children and early elementary-aged children the story of Easter in a way that captures their attention and makes it memorable. Request a set of Resurrection Eggs when you donate, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com or when you call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can also request the Resurrection Eggs when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we want to talk more about resolving conflict in our marriage relationship. We want to talk about a verse that you\u2019re probably familiar with but that you may have not understood the way you ought to understand it. It\u2019s the verse in Ephesians that says don\u2019t let the sun go down on your anger. We\u2019ll talk about what that means and what it doesn\u2019t mean tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304416","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304416"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304416"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304416"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304416"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304416"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304416"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304416"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}