{"id":304370,"date":"2017-02-06T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-02-06T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/keys-to-a-healthy-marriage\/"},"modified":"2017-02-06T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2017-02-06T17:00:00","slug":"keys-to-a-healthy-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keys-to-a-healthy-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Keys to a Healthy Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Barbara Rainey reminds her daughters and others that marriage is a marathon, and getting to know your husband as a man is a lifetime pursuit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-02-06.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.56M","filesize_raw":"24699864","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088,2831],"tags":[6194,6196,6197,6195],"podcast_series":[7218],"cwp_profile":[3052],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304370","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","category-wives","tag-keys-for-a-successful-marriage","tag-marriage-bed","tag-seasons-in-marriage","tag-sexual-intimacy-in-marriage","podcast_series-letters-to-my-daughters","cwp_profile-barbara-rainey","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304370\/keys-to-a-healthy-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304370\/keys-to-a-healthy-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"It8P9al4SO\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keys-to-a-healthy-marriage\/\">Keys to a Healthy Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/keys-to-a-healthy-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=It8P9al4SO\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Keys to a Healthy Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"It8P9al4SO\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Barbara Rainey reminds her daughters and others that marriage is a marathon, and getting to know your husband as a man is a lifetime pursuit.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-02-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Barbara Rainey likens intimacy in marriage to a secret garden\u2014a place that only a husband and wife go together. She says it\u2019s a risky place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It <em>is<\/em> a place of raw exposure. It <em>is<\/em> a place of being real with one another. It <em>is<\/em> the place where we are most transparent in our marriage relationship, so we need the walls of a commitment. Both of us need the security and the comfort of knowing that we\u2019ve got a perimeter around our marriage much like a rock wall around a secret garden. We need that commitment to be in place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, February 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey. I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll talk today about how a husband and wife can work together to cultivate the secret garden of their marriage. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. It\u2019s been almost a year now since the release of your wife\u2019s book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. We\u2019re finally getting around to Chapter 6\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019ve got\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> \u2014which rhymes with\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014you\u2019ve got a cheesy grin on your face.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2014you know, Chapter\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The listeners can\u2019t see your face! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014six!\u2014six. If you replace one letter in \u201csix,\u201d you get an idea of what we\u2019re going to be talking about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Barbara\u2019s book, <em>Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife<\/em>, has flown off the shelf. It\u2019s really doing well. I understand why, because I think this is Barbara\u2019s best book ever. It is certainly a very honest look at our marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to welcome her back to the broadcast. Thanks for coming back in, Sweetheart.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I\u2019m happy to be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I know you are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I know you are. Since we\u2019re going to talk about s\u2014s\u2014s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Sex. Just say it\u2014sex.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Chapter 6.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It is not that hard for you to say! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019ve heard him say it before? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara: <\/strong>I don\u2019t think it\u2019s that hard for him to say! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to pray for our audience; because as I was preparing to come in here, reading Barbara\u2019s book, I thought: \u201cYou know? Oh my! How broken are we as human beings\u2014how many different perspectives we come at this subject.\u201d There are some listeners who\u2019ve been hurt deeply by their past choices and some are in present relationships. I just want God to intervene and minister to\u2014whether they\u2019re single, married, divorced, single parents\u2014I just want to ask God to meet every person where they are: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFather, You made us, male and female. There is no surprise in terms of how we function. You made us to merge together and become one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, what You designed, man has degenerated and has twisted. You know that as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know where each listener is, who is tuning in to our broadcast today. I just would ask You to be gentle with each of them. Use these broadcasts, I pray, to minister to them just where they are. Produce some hope, some help, and some encouragement to each person listening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor the guys, who are listening in, Father, I pray that they might listen with some understanding. We tend to be too quick to judgment on this subject. I pray for all of us just to be wise in terms of what we hear and what we apply. In Christ\u2019s name I pray. Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Amen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara this is a subject that obviously is personal\u2014it\u2019s intimate\u2014it really does get to the core of who we are as human beings. It can be threatening for a lot of people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was very interested\u2014as you invited your daughters and daughters-in-law to ask questions about marriage, the first question you got related to this\u2014I\u2019m just going to read it from the book\u2014\u2014it says: \u201cSo yeah. Sex. You gave me \u201cthe talk,\u201d and we had our pre-wedding conversation that was pretty short and hurried. No offense; it was busy. I get it. But now I\u2019m married. And it\u2019s um\u2026different. Fine. FINE. But, well, I have to ask this\u2026what\u2019s the big deal?\u201d I thought that was an interesting question from a daughter to say, \u201cI\u2019m in the midst of it, but I\u2019m not sure I understand why it\u2019s as big a deal as people say it is.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It\u2019s a great question. You know, it was one that I just had to think about a lot. Actually, I had to think about <em>all<\/em> these questions a lot because, as Dennis prayed, this topic\u2014this part of our marriage relationship\u2014is not easy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not simple. It\u2019s not cut and dry \/ it\u2019s not black and white. It\u2019s very complicated; and even though it\u2019s very good, it\u2019s very complicated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy short answer to \u201cWhat is the big deal?\u201d is that it takes a long, long time to understand what God has built into us, as men and women. It takes a while to understand the purpose of sex. It takes a while to undo things that we\u2019ve brought into our marriage. It just takes time. I think, in our culture today, more than in any other generation, we expect instant results in every area of our lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re so used to having instant access to information. We just don\u2019t know how to wait\u2014we don\u2019t know how to persevere. We don\u2019t know how to have patience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, in this area of marriage, our expectation for change to happen quickly and for results to be mastered fast, is a misplaced hope; because I think, in the long run, the goal of marriage is a marathon\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014it\u2019s a lifetime race. Figuring out why it\u2019s a big deal takes a lot of time. It\u2019s me getting to know my husband, as a man, and him getting to know me, as a woman. That isn\u2019t going to take place quickly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> If you go back to Genesis, as it describes two people becoming one\u2014there was a progression that God declared. He said, \u201cFor this cause a man shall <em>leave<\/em> his father and mother, shall <em>cleave<\/em> to his wife and the two shall become one [emphasis added].\u201d One of the problems, Bob\u2014and many of our listeners may be experiencing this right now\u2014we have reversed the order.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We\u2019re trying to become <em>one<\/em> without the leaving and the cleaving\u2014the commitment that really bonds two broken human beings hearts to one another and gives you the <em>only<\/em> chance of two broken people experiencing marriage for a lifetime, as Barbara was talking about here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Barbara, explain to our listeners why, for a wife \/ for a woman this issue of a solid commitment is so critical when it comes to intimacy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> In the book I tell the story of a book that we used to read when our kids were growing up, called <em>The Secret Garden<\/em>. It\u2019s the story of a young woman \/ a young girl, who grew up in a huge manor estate in England. As she was growing up there, she discovered this garden; and it was a secret garden. It had walls all the way around it that were six to eight feet tall, brick or stone walls. As she dug though the ivy, she found a door. The door was locked and she couldn\u2019t get in. Over time, she began to continue to dig around. One day, she found a key and was able to unlock the door and go in. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI use that story in the book because I liken this area of our marriage\u2014this intimacy \/ this sex in our marriage\u2014to a secret garden. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a place that only a husband and wife go together\u2014no one else is allowed. It is for them only. I think the reason commitment is so important is because it is a place of raw exposure\u2014it is a place of being real with one another\u2014it is the place where we are most transparent in our marriage relationship. We need the walls that that secret garden had. We need the walls of a commitment. We need that security, as women in particular, but men need it as well for us to experience what God intended for us to experience in marriage. Both of us need the security and the comfort of knowing that we\u2019ve got a perimeter around our marriage much like a rock wall around a secret garden. We need that commitment to be in place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You\u2019re talking about something that goes far beyond just the biological experience of intimacy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Absolutely!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because the biology may not need that, but the <em>oneness<\/em> we\u2019re talking about here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Correct.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014really requires that we can trust one another\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in order to be vulnerable with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> In fact, Bob, I think what you\u2019re hitting on here is so important. I think one of the least understood passages in Scripture\u2014there\u2019s a reason why we can\u2019t understand it\u2014Genesis, Chapter 2, verse 25. I\u2019m going to read it and then I\u2019m going to explain why we don\u2019t understand it\u2014it says, \u201cAnd the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.\u201d That verse comes right after the leave, cleave, and become one. The reason we can\u2019t understand what that means\u2014we have <em>never<\/em> experienced what Adam and Eve did in the garden <em>before<\/em> the fall.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> That\u2019s right; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Two people, <em>totally<\/em> naked, <em>totally<\/em> exposed, <em>totally<\/em> transparent with one another\u2014and there was <em>no shame<\/em>. There was joy \/ there was delight\u2014there was the experience of God and one another\u2014there was no hiding in a marriage back then. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen it comes to the subject of sex, I think we\u2019re trying to get to that point of being naked and unashamed; but we don\u2019t know how to get there. So a lot of single people are co-habiting\u2014they\u2019re thinking they can experience the sexual delights of marriage without the commitment\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and they <em>can\u2019t!<\/em> Barbara\u2019s talking about a commitment that creates safety around this garden.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There is something about being able to say: \u201cYou\u2019re safe. I\u2019m not going anywhere.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI will not <em>expose<\/em> what happens here. You can be who you are and still be loved.\u201d That\u2019s what we long for\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014and that is what is supposed to be going on in intimacy in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> That\u2019s what we get married for\u2014we get married to be loved unconditionally. That\u2019s our expectation and our hope when we say, \u201cI do\u201d; but we don\u2019t realize that it\u2019s not <em>just<\/em> the physical oneness that produces that. It\u2019s <em>all<\/em> of the conversations\u2014it\u2019s learning to be, as Dennis just said, naked and unashamed. That does not happen quickly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019ll think about what happened in Genesis\u2014after that verse where Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed\u2014and then, when the fall happened, what was the first thing that Adam and Eve experienced?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Their shame.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Their shame and they were afraid.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I think we <em>vastly<\/em> underestimate the <em>fears<\/em> that we bring into marriage. All of us come into marriage with fears, even if we don\u2019t have past experiences that were negative or were difficult. We still have the fear of rejection; we have the fear of exposure; we have the fear of being known\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014just the question, \u201cIf you really knew me as I am inside\u2014as I know I am inside\u2014would he still love me?\u201d A man thinks the same thing, \u201cIf she really knew what I thought\u2014if she really knew who I was\u2014would she still accept me?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that fear\u2014that we all bring into a marriage\u2014takes time to expose those fears because it\u2019s a risk to do so. It takes time to work toward that place of being unashamed. It doesn\u2019t ever totally go away, because it won\u2019t until we go to heaven; but we can make <em>great<\/em> progress \/ we can make <em>great<\/em> strides in that comfort level that we all long for when we get married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI have to use a present-day illustration, Bob, of something that really makes me sad\u2014but immediately after the evening news \/ the local news here, there\u2019s one of these Hollywood reports. It always is telling of some breakup of some Hollywood marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI really feel a great deal of compassion, because they don\u2019t understand the God who made this relationship and how He made them to function. In their lost-ness, they\u2019re just trying to reach out to one another and experience that oneness and experience the intimacy of a great relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014Barbara and I have been married 44 years\u2014and there have been a lot of incredible highs and sadly, some tough, tough lows. The thing that has kept us safe and secure in our relationship is we\u2019ve never\/ever used the \u201cD\u201d word\u2014divorce. It has never crossed our lips. We have used the \u201cC\u201d word\u2014covenant-keeping love for a lifetime. In the process of doing that, two imperfect people are <em>wobbling<\/em> their way to the finish line, attempting to represent how God designed marriage to proclaim His love to the world; because a marriage is to be a model of Christ and the church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt is representative of a husband who loves, serves, leads, and gives his life on behalf of his wife\u2014and a wife who supports her husband and loves him back. One of the ways they both do this is through the gift of sexual intimacy in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Barbara, I had to smile when I read this letter from your daughter, saying, \u201cSo, what\u2019s the big deal?\u201d for two reasons. One is because there is a stereotype that says: \u201cThis is how women view sex in marriage.\u201d Men are very different. I stop to think to myself, \u201cWould a man ever write to his father, \u2018So Dad\u2014\u2019\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> \u201cWhat\u2019s the big deal?\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201c\u2019What\u2019s the big deal? We\u2019re married now. I don\u2019t get it\u2014what\u2019s the big deal?\u2019\u201d I also smiled because there\u2019s a sense in which the mystery of marital intimacy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014is just beginning to unfold in the early days of marriage; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> That\u2019s a word that I use a lot in my book\u2014is the word, \u201cmystery,\u201d\u2014because I think it helps us be more at peace with the process. When we realize that marriage is a mystery\u2014that we will never, totally understand it\u2014because, as Dennis just said, it is a picture of Christ\u2019s relationship with us. Just accepting the fact that marriage is a mystery kind of gives you a sense of: \u201cAh! I can rest. I can relax.\u201d It is a mystery and it is a process of beginning to discover what God has built in this, all along, from the very beginning. As we\u2019ve been saying, it\u2019s about getting to know one another and being transparent with one another.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When we think of a mystery, we think of an unsolved murder case or a crime.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014a puzzle.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; exactly. This mystery is going to be revealed\u2014[Laughter] \u2014in heaven, in eternity, with Jesus Christ and the church at the wedding feast of the bridegroom and the bride\u2014the church being the bride. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn between time, between now\u2014this thing called \u201ctime\u201d\u2014and eternity, here you are, as a couple, hammering out your commitment and attempting to be naked and unashamed in a way that honors God. It\u2019s tough, and it\u2019s hard.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would ask you, Barbara, as a young wife might come to you\u2014what would you say is the most important thing she needs to know as she approaches this most intimate area of the marriage relationship? What does she need to know and do?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I think the first thing she needs to know\u2014and she may already know this\u2014but I think it bears repeating\u2014and that is that marriage is <em>holy<\/em>. I think that when we see it as\u2014not just a gift, not just a privilege, not just something we get to experience\u2014but there is an element of marriage that has a <em>holy<\/em> aspect to it; because God created it and because He lives in our lives, there is a holiness there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that helps us put it in right perspective\u2014it helps us go: \u201cWell no wonder it\u2019s so hard! No wonder it\u2019s a challenge to discover the kind of oneness that we got married for.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSecondly, from there, I want to say, too, that I would strongly encourage any young wife to remember that it\u2019s an important part of the relationship. It\u2019s really a mirror of the rest of your relationship. You may feel like you\u2019re having good sex; but if you\u2019re not really becoming one\u2014if you\u2019re not really being transparent with one another\u2014then you\u2019re not going to be really growing together in other areas of your relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s important that you keep that area of your marriage healthy and growing and keep it alive. The temptation is\u2014when it gets hard, is to just say, \u201cWell, forget it!\u201d but you can\u2019t give up on it because it\u2019s one of the important parts that God has built into a marriage. Because God created it and God sanctioned it, then we need to learn what He wants us to do with it\u2014we need to figure it out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know a lot of wives, who are saying, \u201cI hear you and I agree with you; and if I was not tired all the time,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014I would give more attention to this! But I am tired <em>all the time<\/em>! How do I make this a priority, and how do I make it important when I\u2019m exhausted?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Did you read that in my book?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I did. Yes! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes; I talk about that in the book, because that is such a common complaint for women. I get it! I was <em>tired all the time<\/em>\u2014and Dennis used to say he would be a very wealthy man if he had a dollar for every time I said, \u201cI am <em>so tired!<\/em>\u201d [Laughter] Right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> But even if we are so tired\u2014and we are\u2014and a lot of women are exhausted all the time because of the responsibilities of jobs and kids\u2014and just the emotional weight of being in life. There are just so many ups and downs that we feel so deeply; and yet, it\u2019s learning to prioritize your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s deciding, during a particular day, that you\u2019re going to take a nap so you\u2019ve got more energy for your husband at night or it\u2019s choosing not to add these things to your schedule so that you can have more energy and more focus for your marriage. It\u2019s choosing to keep your marriage a priority\u2014make it a priority. That\u2019s hard to do sometimes. There were <em>plenty<\/em> of times when I would take a nap in the afternoon and I\u2019d still be exhausted at night.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s correct! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> It\u2019s not a quick and easy solution. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to insert something. There are men, who are listening right now: \u201cThat\u2019s right! She\u2019s just tired too much.\u201d To which I would say to the guys: \u201cAre you cleaning up the kitchen\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014after dinner? Are you helping to get the kids ready for bed?\u2014brush their teeth, read them a story, pray with them. Get down on your knees, next to them, and look them in the eyes and ask them how their day was,\u201d\u2014but take some of your wife\u2019s load off of her and assume it yourself! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a concept in the Bible called \u201cbearing one another\u2019s burdens.\u201d I do think some guys\u2014they want sex, but they don\u2019t want the process of loving\u2014that means nourishing, which is creating growth\u2014and cherishing, which is creating value\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014they don\u2019t want to do that with their wife. When you help your wife with her household duties, with the kids and all\u2014you\u2019re making a statement of value to your wife that she ultimately <em>will<\/em> hear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I have to ask you about the wife, who would say, \u201cThis is a priority for me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbut it\u2019s less a priority for my husband.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me first of all, though, let our listeners know how they can get a copy of the book that you\u2019ve written, which is called <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. It\u2019s a book that we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You address, not only this subject, but you address a variety of subjects\u2014letters that your daughters and daughters-in-law have written to you over the years, asking questions about being a godly wife and how you\u2019ve responded to those letters that they\u2019ve written. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to order a copy of the book; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and order by phone. Again the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; and you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, I just want to say a word to our listeners. When you buy a book from <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, you\u2019re helping to keep this radio broadcast on the air. I\u2019ve got to tell you\u2014the people who really float this ship right here, to keep <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> broadcasting, are Legacy Partners. They\u2019re people who give, every month, and who say: \u201cI want to keep this kind of right-thinking\u2014a biblical approach to marriage, to sex, to intimacy\u2014I want to keep this on the air in my community; because this is going to make a difference in a lot of people\u2019s lives.\u201d I just want to say, \u201cThanks,\u201d to Legacy Partners right now: \u201cThank you for making this broadcast possible.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> If you\u2019d like to join the Legacy Partner team, we could use more Legacy Partners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link, where it says, \u201cDonate.\u201d There\u2019s information available there about becoming a Legacy Partner. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBarbara Rainey has joined us today. We\u2019ve been talking about Chapter 6 in her book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. Barbara, we started the conversation with a letter that you got from one of your daughters, saying, \u201cWhat\u2019s the big deal?\u201d There are some wives, who have been listening to us have this conversation, and they have said, \u201cMy question is: \u2018Why isn\u2019t this a bigger deal\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014\u201c\u2019for my husband? I\u2019m ready. In fact, I feel robbed, or starved, or like there\u2019s something wrong with me! What do I do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Barbara:<\/strong> I interviewed a couple of young women when I wrote this particular portion of the chapter because I wanted to know what they thought, and what they felt, and what they were experiencing. It\u2019s interesting\u2014I don\u2019t have statistics to back this up\u2014but I <em>did<\/em> do some research and talked to a number of different counselors and different people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, oftentimes, there are issues in a young man\u2019s life that are keeping him from wanting to have sex with his wife; and typically, it\u2019s pornography. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the women that I talked to\u2014when I was preparing to write this chapter\u2014that was the issue with most of these young men. There was so much shame attached to them as men \/ as young men because they were exposed, when they were children or when they were teenagers, and they just didn\u2019t know how to handle it\u2014they still don\u2019t know how to handle it. That shame is keeping them from wanting to be one, sexually, with their wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhether it is pornography or whether it is something else, the encouragement that I got from those that I talked to and that I would offer to you is that this is a concern that you need to carry with him. Dennis just mentioned, a minute ago, the verse, \u201cBear one another\u2019s burdens.\u201d Once you become married, your burdens become one another\u2019s. You need to carry those burdens together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would encourage a wife, who is in that situation, to say to her husband: \u201cYou know, I know this is hard; and this is hard for me too. Let\u2019s go find someone who can help us; because I\u2019m committed to you for a lifetime, and you agreed to be committed to me for a lifetime. Let\u2019s figure out what we need to do. Let\u2019s find what challenges we need to face. Let\u2019s do the work together to make our marriage what God intended it to be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know\u2014from talking to these women\u2014that it <em>can<\/em> change \/ it <em>can<\/em> be redeemed. God <em>can <\/em>change those broken places <em>in both of our lives<\/em> and bring you to a place where marriage is what you wanted it to be and where sex, in particular, is as God designed it to be.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304370","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304370"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304370"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304370"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304370"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}