{"id":304332,"date":"2017-01-10T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-01-10T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/our-mates-three-driving-needs\/"},"modified":"2025-02-06T11:32:35","modified_gmt":"2025-02-06T16:32:35","slug":"our-mates-three-driving-needs","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/our-mates-three-driving-needs\/","title":{"rendered":"Our Mate&#8217;s Three Driving Needs"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Tim and Darcy Kimmel define love as &#8220;the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest, regardless of the cost,&#8221; and explore the three driving needs in marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Tim and Darcy Kimmel define love as &#8220;the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest, regardless of the cost,&#8221; and explore the three driving needs in marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-01-10.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.36M","filesize_raw":"24496625","date_recorded":"2017-01-10 12:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2902,2862],"tags":[6048,6173],"podcast_series":[8006],"cwp_profile":[3211,3058],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304332","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-resolving-conflict","category-understanding-differences","tag-gods-grace","tag-showing-grace-to-your-spouse","podcast_series-grace-filled-marriage","cwp_profile-darcy-kimmel","cwp_profile-tim-kimmel","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304332\/our-mates-three-driving-needs","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304332\/our-mates-three-driving-needs","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"leJKnbpRbO\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/our-mates-three-driving-needs\/\">Our Mate&#8217;s Three Driving Needs<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/our-mates-three-driving-needs\/embed\/#?secret=leJKnbpRbO\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Our Mate&#8217;s Three Driving Needs&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"leJKnbpRbO\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-01-10.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-01-10.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Tim Kimmel has been working with married couples and with families for many years now. Along the way, he has observed a lot of practical relationship skills that couples have used that have made a difference in their marriage and in their family. But he says, \u201cAt the end of the day, there is really only one thing that every couple needs most.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>I keep coming back to the gospel\u2014to me, the gospel is something that is supposed to\u2014not just save us\u2014but transform us. We wanted that transforming work of God\u2019s grace to wash through us. We did not want to leave it at salvation. We wanted it to change us. We desperately needed it when we started getting those kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, January 10<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. If you had to measure the grace quotient in your marriage, on a scale of one to ten, where would it be?\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk today about how you can have a grace-filled marriage. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. So, you think our guest is right?\u00a0 Do you think the missing ingredient in marriage\u2014in a lot of marriages\u2014is grace?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think it is. I think we don\u2019t know how to do it. I think a lot of us would have made very good Pharisees. Barbara and I are quoting that to each other a lot these days. It\u2019s kind of like we\u2019ve become even more intimately aware of how we can be religious\u2014going to church, even reading the Bible, praying together, et cetera\u2014but we are not possessing, and articulating, and living out the real thing. That\u2019s what Tim and Darcy Kimmel are bringing to us today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we can get to self-righteousness pretty quickly too. That\u2019s a part of being a Pharisee; isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Big time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, we are well-trained in that. No doubt about it.<\/p>\n<p>Tim, Darcy, welcome to the broadcast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Thank you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Love being here.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>It occurs to me that a lot of our listeners are going to recognize Tim and Darcy\u2019s voices, because you guys have been speaking for decades now at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. In fact, I should mention to listeners, here at the beginning of today\u2019s program\u2014this week and next week, we\u2019re inviting you to join us at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. If you come and pay the regular rate for yourself, your spouse comes free. So, this is the best offer we make all year long. It\u2019s good this week and next week only.<\/p>\n<p>We start our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway season in early February. You can go to our website now\u2014find the location where a getaway is going to be happening in a city near where you live, mark out that weekend on your calendar, and contact us to take advantage of the special offer we\u2019re making this week and next week for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. Pay for yourself to go, and your spouse comes free. If you need more information, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; and you\u2019ll find the info you need there\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>3:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014you can register online. If you have any questions, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY; and we\u2019ll try to answer any questions you have about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. And who knows? You may get a chance to hear Tim and Darcy Kimmel speaking at your getaway this spring.<\/p>\n<p>Tim and Darcy have written a number of books, including the book we\u2019re talking about this week, called <em>Grace Filled Marriage<\/em>. Tim, one of the statements you make in the book is\u2014you say, \u201cGrace isn\u2019t blind, but it also isn\u2019t without nerve endings.\u201d Explain what you mean by that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>I think a lot of people\u2014they get nervous about grace because they don\u2019t understand biblical grace. They have misapplied something else to it that it\u2019s not\u2014like it is permission, it\u2019s rolling over and playing dead, it\u2019s just being nice. Grace can be nice\u2014but grace doesn\u2019t mean that the rule book is gone\u2014that there aren\u2019t consequences for wrong behavior. It doesn\u2019t mean we accommodate our spouse doing self-destructive things. In fact, that wouldn\u2019t be gracious at all.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>God loves us so <em>much<\/em> that He gets in our grill when we step out of line.<\/p>\n<p>But you know what I think the overarching problem\u2014why Christians don\u2019t really get the whole grace message is because we limit it to salvation. We get grace, when it comes to salvation: \u201cI was lost. Now, I\u2019m found. I was blind. Now, I see.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we stop it there; and we go on a performance basis, with God, from there on out.<\/p>\n<p>In fact, I think it is part of the grand illusion that Satan has put on. Before we are saved, he says, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to earn your way to heaven.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we get saved\u2014[Satan says], \u201cOkay; well, I\u2019ve lost them there; but you\u2019ve still got to <em>earn <\/em>God\u2019s love.\u201d\u00a0 So, if I am doing that with God, I\u2019m going to put my wife on the same routine that she\u2019s going to do to me. And the next thing you know, everything goes south. That\u2019s what we are saying in this book. We can have God\u2019s heart of grace, and it\u2019s a game-changer for the relationship when it comes to our marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What you\u2019re reminding me of here is what Paul said in Colossians, Chapter 2, verse 6\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>5:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014he said to these Christians at the church\u2014he said, \u201cTherefore, as you receive Christ Jesus, the Lord, so walk in Him.\u201d\u00a0 And he goes on to say, \u201cYou didn\u2019t receive Him by the works of the Law.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>No.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cYou received Christ by faith, and it\u2019s God\u2019s gift that He responded to your faith. And even your faith was a gift from God. He has saved you with His grace.\u201d\u00a0 And what you are saying is, \u201cJust as we have been saved through grace, and how God is relating to us, we are to magnify that grace toward our spouse, the person who knows us best and who sees us at our worst.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And when we read Colossians, Chapter 2, and see that we are to walk in the same way that we received Christ\u2014we are to walk in grace\u2014not try to perform. We do have to remember Romans 6, Tim, because in Romans 6, Paul says: \u201cWhat should we say?\u00a0 Should we continue in sin so that grace may abound?\u201d\u00a0 And he says, \u201cNo; if you\u2019ve really been changed, you\u2019re not going to want to continue in sin\u201d; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>6:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim:<\/strong> But see, I can take an attitude toward God\u2014where I am going to live my life to please Him. It sounds like a great idea, but it leads more to self-righteousness and performance; or I can say, \u201cNo, what I want to do is\u2014I want to trust God in my life.\u201d\u00a0 This leads to organic obedience\u2014more inside-out obedience. That\u2019s what we, ultimately, want to get in our marriage.<\/p>\n<p>When I married Darcy, she had four big brothers and a pretty mean-looking dad. So, I was faithful to her in those first few years of marrying her; because I knew that they would kill me!\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 So, I was obedient to my vows, because of the consequences I didn\u2019t want to face; but as I grew deeper and deeper in love with her, my desire to want to be a noble man, on her behalf, was more from the heart connection than a checklist. I think we don\u2019t\u2014we miss that a lot in our Christian life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It wasn\u2019t that she became perfect\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>7:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>No!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and earned your love.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>No!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was that you finally learned what real love was all about. Hollywood does a good job of really mystifying love, at this point.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, Hollywood is so enamored with an emotional, airbrushed, Photoshop<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>-ped thing that they are not even remotely close; but\u2014let me define love; because I think, when we define love properly and grace properly, we can keep these things in perspective.<\/p>\n<p>I like to define love as a commitment of my will to your needs and best interest, regardless of the cost. Now, that\u2019s the kind of love that God has for us. He shows us His grace, which is giving us something we desperately need, but don\u2019t necessarily deserve. And so\u2014well, look at the church. Does God show us grace because we\u2019re so loveable?\u2014we\u2019re so wonderful?\u2014we keep getting better and better?\u00a0 No, we are <em>pathetic<\/em>!\u00a0 Many times, we show up on empty and ornery; and He continues to love His church.<\/p>\n<p><strong>8:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re just saying, in <em>Grace Filled Marriage<\/em>, \u201cWhy don\u2019t we take that same love that God shows toward us, His bride, and show it toward our spouse?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Darcy, Tim talked about a performance-orientation toward marriage in the early years. Did you feel the same thing?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Oh, yes. I mean, I didn\u2019t grow up in a home that had much biblical content in it or teaching. So, I grew up wanting to be perfect; and I wanted everything to be peaceful. So, in our early years, when we had conflict or when he was displeased with me, I just thought: \u201cOkay; I\u2019ve got to try harder on this. I\u2019ve got to do <em>better<\/em>, because I don\u2019t want him to think that I\u2019m anything but perfect.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I had a hard time <em>owning<\/em> my own sin when we were first married. Tim has such a heart of justice that it was very hard on him when we would have a conflict.<\/p>\n<p><strong>9:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It would all end up being his fault, in my mind, and me not taking responsibility for my own sin and just acts of\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014disappointment and dishonor. He worked me through that. Tim helped me see that\u2014and that\u2019s grace\u2014because, as he said, \u201cLove is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest, regardless of the cost.\u201d\u00a0 It was not in my best interest to think that I had no culpability in the things that I did to hurt him. So, his love for me\u2014it was a hard love because I didn\u2019t want to believe that I couldn\u2019t be perfect.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you remember when you started to get the grace idea for yourself, when it started to free you up and the difference it made?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Yes; it was when we had young children at home. I think God showed me\u2014through my love for my children and how\u2014sometimes, it\u2019s easier to get the grace-thing when you\u2019re in a position of power and your children are needy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>10:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I started to see the picture of God\u2019s grace more in that role, and it became more relevant in my marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, you\u2019ve never had\u2014you never hit a wall?\u00a0 You never hit a dark, deep valley, where you two\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>I think we\u2019ve had winter seasons in our marriage where we were so overwhelmed by just daily life\u2014four kids, ministry, and ill parents. You know, you just go down the list; and they just sucked all of the energy\u2014we were so tired. Unfortunately, you kind of give everybody what they need and don\u2019t always keep something for your spouse. I think we\u2019ve gone through those winter seasons.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>But I think we tend to think that these kinds of messages only apply to people that are in dire straits\u2014by the way, they <em>do<\/em> apply to people who are in dire straits\u2014but there are a lot of people that are having a\u2014would say they have a fairly-decent marriage\u2014but they are still a long ways from what they could be\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>11:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014because on the day-to-day basis, they are not letting Christ work in their heart\u2014become the DNA of their relationship. God is a God of relationship. He wanted that heart connection.<\/p>\n<p>What we are saying, in this book, is there is a way\u2014we quantify it in this book\u2014there is a way you can do this. It changes\u2014you know\u2014the unique things of our relationship, like intimacy\u2014it changes that radically. It changes the tough times\u2014the autumn years \/ the winter years.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; you\u2019re talking about cold fronts that move through a marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s the language that Mary Ann and I will use\u2014you know, a weather pattern\u2014where the weather just changes. It was sunny here yesterday. Look what happened\u2014a cold front moved through. [Laughter]\u00a0 That happens in every marriage. It doesn\u2019t mean that your marriage is bad, or that you married the wrong person, or that there is a flaw. It\u2019s just the reality of life\u2014that there are seasons where it gets cold and icy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>12:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It takes a little thaw before you can get back to normal. But it\u2019s in those moments that grace needs to fill both of your hearts. Otherwise, your hearts can get hardened; can\u2019t they?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>See, I look at grace as the proper clothing for any season\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014any occasion.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014any occasion. When we are clothed in grace, and those weather patterns come through, it can get us through that. It\u2019s also a very relaxing, freeing thing in those summer \/ springtime moments of our marriage too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, when we start out our marriages, we\u2019re not always thinking about all the seasons we\u2019re going to experience. We are getting married for some reasons\u2014and you talk about three in your book\u2014kind of three driving forces that everybody\u2019s about. I think it would be good to share that with your audience; because, regardless of what season you are in, you need to know, really, how you are relating to each other and satisfying one another\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>13:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>When I got married, I didn\u2019t know that Darcy had these three driving needs, nor did she know that I had them\u2014but when we studied God\u2019s grace, we saw that He was meeting them in us.<\/p>\n<p>We have three needs\u2014everybody married. We need to know that we are secure in that relationship. The way we meet that is give each other a secure love. We need to know that we are significant\u2014we have intrinsic worth and value. The way we give that\u2014meet that in each other\u2019s lives\u2014is give each other a significant purpose and help build that into them. Thirdly, we need to know that we are strong or sufficient to face the moments we\u2019re in. The way we help them get that is give them a strong hope for, not just now, but for the future. So\u2014secure love \/ a significant purpose. A strong hope is how God meets our needs through His grace. In the book, we show people how they can turn around and use those very things to meet their spouse\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a secure love means that you know, no matter how chilly it gets with a cold front moving through, nobody is moving out.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>That your marriage is a safe place\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>14:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014that you don\u2019t have to worry about\u2014like I was worried about being perfect\u2014because you\u2019re not going anywhere. You can stay in that bad state, or cold-front state, or you can do the things that are necessary to move you beyond that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s the security that you are talking about\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014is that security to know: \u201cOkay; we\u2019re going to see this through together. We\u2019ll get to the other side. Yes, the weather is chilly right now; but the sun won\u2019t always be hidden.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Although I do think there are folks who have been in a\u2014the cold front has settled over the house for years. I think about a person, listening, who is going, \u201cThis all sounds fine; but this grace thing\u2014if it\u2019s not a two-way street \/ if it\u2019s not both of you committed to it\u2014then, it\u2019s just one miserable marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, it wasn\u2019t a two-way street between them and God. It was a one-way street that He kept going down. Galatians 6: \u201cDo not get weary in well doing, for in due time\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>15:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, the husband who says: \u201cTim, I hear you. I\u2019ve been doing that for <em>decades<\/em>. I haven\u2019t\u2014I don\u2019t know when the due season is coming, but I\u2019ve been waiting and I haven\u2019t found it.\u201d\u00a0 What do you say to them?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, let me jump in here and just say I know a guy like this. He has been in a marriage now\u2014it has to span three decades\u2014their children are grown. This guy has hung in there. For all practical purposes, they\u2019re married; but they are estranged from one another. Honestly, I don\u2019t know how the guy did it and continues to do it.<\/p>\n<p>Well, I do know\u2014we\u2019re talking about it here\u2014he knows the grace of God. He\u2019s committed to that woman and to be obedient to God to fulfill his assignment of loving her as Christ loved the church. Christ didn\u2019t love the church when the church was all scrubbed clean and beautiful, smiling at Him.<\/p>\n<p><strong>16:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Christ loved the church, and went and got the church out of the gutter, where He found a good number of us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And He redeemed us, and He <em>still<\/em> pursues us. That\u2019s really the message of the gospel.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; it really\u2014the only way you can keep pouring out grace, in the midst of adversity like that, is if you\u2019re continually being filled up with grace\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014on a daily basis. If you are trying to do it on your own, it\u2019s not going to work; but if every day, throughout the day, you are being filled up with the grace of God, then, you\u2019ve got a reserve that you can tap into.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I couldn\u2019t agree more.<\/p>\n<p>Tim, let\u2019s talk, real quickly, about significance. How do you help Darcy have a sense of significance, as a woman, when the culture wants to define significance around career, around accomplishment, achievement?\u00a0 How are you her cheerleader?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, I think our world is\u2014we measure significance four ways\u2014wealth, beauty, power, and fame.<\/p>\n<p><strong>17:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>God places no real value on any of those things in the Bible\u2014there is nothing wrong with them. I find that the things that I applaud Darcy\u2014that have eternal impact \/ give her greatest significance\u2014her love for her children \/ her grandchildren; the way she is being used as a conduit of God\u2019s grace, and mercy, and forgiveness to other people\u2014because that lasts forever.<\/p>\n<p>In the process, she also makes a great dinner, and she keeps a beautiful house, and she makes life a lot better for me to take on every day. But I do think that it\u2019s not something that she has to wonder, \u201cWhen was the last time he said that?\u201d\u00a0 We just make it a part of a daily vocabulary of building one another up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ll give you an example. I came home yesterday. I noticed some things around the house that had been\u2014there\u2019d been some work done.<\/p>\n<p><strong>18:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t always notice this; but for whatever reason, I noticed. I said, \u201cYou\u2014Wow!\u2014you have been busy here today.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, I pointed this out, and this out\u2014things that Mary Ann had been doing around the house. You think to yourself, \u201cA wife, who has been busy all day\u2014it\u2019s just nice that somebody noticed that you were doing those things rather than coming home and saying, \u2018What\u2019s for dinner, and where is the remote?\u2019\u201d\u2014right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I\u2019m not always good at this because, sometimes, I\u2019m preoccupied, but for husbands and wives to pay attention to the contributions that each of us are making to our relationship, to our homes, to our parenting, to all that we\u2019re doing\u2014and not just to notice it but, then, to verbalize it\u2014to say to the other person: \u201cI noticed this. I was\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>By the way, this is right out of God\u2019s playbook. He wants to say, someday, to us, \u201cWell done, good and faithful servant.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He is going to approve of us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>He wants to applaud us, with nail-scarred hands.<\/p>\n<p><strong>19:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>He owes us nothing!\u00a0 Yet, He sees that value He wants to place in us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was brushing my teeth over the weekend. I looked at the\u2014I said: \u201cLook at this bathroom. This bathroom looks cleaner than the last time I brushed my teeth.\u201d\u00a0 I went to Mary Ann and I said, \u201cWhen did you clean the bathroom?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cOh, halftime\u2014I went up, when the game was on\u2014I went up at halftime\u2014I thought, \u2018I\u2019m going to clean this up.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>While you were eating popcorn, watching the game. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes; exactly.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Messing up the living room. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Exactly right!<\/p>\n<p>But the reality is\u2014she just found a little moment\u2014and just for me to step up and notice that and say: \u201cThank you. This is just one of those contributions you make, and I\u2019m grateful for it; and I don\u2019t say thank you enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I appreciate you illustrating that, Bob. You\u2019ve been a great illustrator of what we are talking about here. And I want to talk about the last one of how we bring strength to our spouse. I\u2019m thinking of you, Darcy. How have you really helped Tim have strength and hope for the future?<\/p>\n<p><strong>20:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I mean, Barbara\u2019s belief in me has kept me going over the years. I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve done that in your marriage over your four decades of marriage. Share with our listeners how you\u2019ve brought that strength to Tim.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Tim and I were married for a week, and he started seminary \/ graduate school. He came home the first day and said: \u201cYou know what, Darcy? I think they made a mistake in admissions. I should not be here. You should see all the great guys that are in my classes\u2014people that have accomplished much.\u201d He said, \u201cI really feel out of my element.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Somehow, God spoke to me and just said: \u201cYou know what? You need to encourage this man. He has God-given abilities, and you need to really give him hope that God will use those.\u201d So I started writing him little notes\u2014putting them in his lunch and putting them in his textbooks. To this day, I can go to a drawer in his dresser and pull out a couple of those notes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>21:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>That seemed to remind him that \u201cNo; God was in this, and we\u2019re going to get through this together.\u201d So I think that gave him a strong hope for the future.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. No doubt about it. I look back on Barbara\u2019s belief in me, as a young man, starting out. I didn\u2019t realize how needy I was of having her to stand with me as we looked at the future.<\/p>\n<p>I want to encourage a wife to just take step back and go: \u201cAm I a cheerleader for my husband? Does he know I believe in him?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You stop and think about it\u2014grace is a pretty all-encompassing word. I mean, it captures a lot of what marriage is supposed to be all about\u2014kindness, and humility, and compassion, and tenderness. I mean, I\u2019m thinking of all of the words that really fit under that definition of grace, which is at the heart of what Tim and Darcy Kimmel have written about in the book that we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, called <em>Grace Filled Marriage: <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>22:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>The Missing Piece. The place to start<\/em>,\u2014in marriage.<\/p>\n<p>You can go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com to order your copy of <em>Grace Filled Marriage<\/em>. This may be a book you\u2019d like to go through with a small group or a study group. You can order from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to place an order at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If this is something that you\u2019d like to meditate on and maybe soak in for an extended period of time, let me encourage you to join us this spring at one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. We will have\u2014I think it\u2019s almost 90\u201485 to 90 events happening in cities all across the country this spring. A weekend-long getaway for couples, where the two of you can just relax, and enjoy being with one another, and laugh, and have a good time, and talk about your relationship, and how you\u2019re doing and how you can do better.<\/p>\n<p><strong>23:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>This is an event that is great for couples who have a good marriage and want to see their good marriage continue to be a good marriage. It\u2019s also an event that is helpful for couples who are struggling and need hope and help.<\/p>\n<p>Right now, when you sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you pay the regular price for yourself and your spouse comes free. It\u2019s an offer we\u2019re making this week and next week for <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to sign up for the getaway, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. If you have any questions or if you\u2019d like to sign up over the phone\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Or again, register online at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014just look for the link for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.<\/p>\n<p><strong>24:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If you need to know when a getaway is coming to a city near where you live, we have the maps and all the information available on our website. So again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we want to talk about the difference grace makes in a marriage\u2014some of the freedom that comes in a relationship when grace is the foundation for your marriage. Tim and Darcy Kimmel are going to be back with us. Hope you can be back with us as well.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>______________________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\"><u>donating today<\/u><\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n"],"duration":["00:"],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.36M"],"filesize_raw":["24496625"],"_edit_lock":["1738866787:47000"],"_edit_last":["47000"],"theme_header_position":["Sticky"],"post_header_is_sticky":["default"],"is_header_overlay":["0"],"episode_type":["audio"],"date_recorded":["2017-01-10 12:00:00"],"enclosure":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-01-10.mp3"],"_seopress_redirections_type":["301"],"_seopress_redirections_logged_status":["both"],"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":[""],"show_notes":["<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-creator\/dr-tim-kimmel\/\">Visit our store to purchase Tim's books<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304332.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304332.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:1;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:2;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:3;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:4;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:7;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:9;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:10;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:11;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:14;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:17;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:18;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:19;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776535419;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Tim and Darcy Kimmel define love as \"the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest, regardless of the cost,\" and explore the three driving needs in marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-creator\/dr-tim-kimmel\/\">Visit our store to purchase Tim's books<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2017-01-10.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Tim Kimmel has been working with married couples and with families for many years now. Along the way, he has observed a lot of practical relationship skills that couples have used that have made a difference in their marriage and in their family. But he says, \u201cAt the end of the day, there is really only one thing that every couple needs most.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>I keep coming back to the gospel\u2014to me, the gospel is something that is supposed to\u2014not just save us\u2014but transform us. We wanted that transforming work of God\u2019s grace to wash through us. We did not want to leave it at salvation. We wanted it to change us. We desperately needed it when we started getting those kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, January 10<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. If you had to measure the grace quotient in your marriage, on a scale of one to ten, where would it be?\u00a0 We\u2019ll talk today about how you can have a grace-filled marriage. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. So, you think our guest is right?\u00a0 Do you think the missing ingredient in marriage\u2014in a lot of marriages\u2014is grace?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think it is. I think we don\u2019t know how to do it. I think a lot of us would have made very good Pharisees. Barbara and I are quoting that to each other a lot these days. It\u2019s kind of like we\u2019ve become even more intimately aware of how we can be religious\u2014going to church, even reading the Bible, praying together, et cetera\u2014but we are not possessing, and articulating, and living out the real thing. That\u2019s what Tim and Darcy Kimmel are bringing to us today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, we can get to self-righteousness pretty quickly too. That\u2019s a part of being a Pharisee; isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Big time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, we are well-trained in that. No doubt about it.<\/p>\n<p>Tim, Darcy, welcome to the broadcast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Thank you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Love being here.<\/p>\n<p><strong>2:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>It occurs to me that a lot of our listeners are going to recognize Tim and Darcy\u2019s voices, because you guys have been speaking for decades now at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. In fact, I should mention to listeners, here at the beginning of today\u2019s program\u2014this week and next week, we\u2019re inviting you to join us at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. If you come and pay the regular rate for yourself, your spouse comes free. So, this is the best offer we make all year long. It\u2019s good this week and next week only.<\/p>\n<p>We start our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway season in early February. You can go to our website now\u2014find the location where a getaway is going to be happening in a city near where you live, mark out that weekend on your calendar, and contact us to take advantage of the special offer we\u2019re making this week and next week for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners. Pay for yourself to go, and your spouse comes free. If you need more information, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; and you\u2019ll find the info you need there\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>3:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014you can register online. If you have any questions, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY; and we\u2019ll try to answer any questions you have about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. And who knows? You may get a chance to hear Tim and Darcy Kimmel speaking at your getaway this spring.<\/p>\n<p>Tim and Darcy have written a number of books, including the book we\u2019re talking about this week, called <em>Grace Filled Marriage<\/em>. Tim, one of the statements you make in the book is\u2014you say, \u201cGrace isn\u2019t blind, but it also isn\u2019t without nerve endings.\u201d Explain what you mean by that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>I think a lot of people\u2014they get nervous about grace because they don\u2019t understand biblical grace. They have misapplied something else to it that it\u2019s not\u2014like it is permission, it\u2019s rolling over and playing dead, it\u2019s just being nice. Grace can be nice\u2014but grace doesn\u2019t mean that the rule book is gone\u2014that there aren\u2019t consequences for wrong behavior. It doesn\u2019t mean we accommodate our spouse doing self-destructive things. In fact, that wouldn\u2019t be gracious at all.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>God loves us so <em>much<\/em> that He gets in our grill when we step out of line.<\/p>\n<p>But you know what I think the overarching problem\u2014why Christians don\u2019t really get the whole grace message is because we limit it to salvation. We get grace, when it comes to salvation: \u201cI was lost. Now, I\u2019m found. I was blind. Now, I see.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we stop it there; and we go on a performance basis, with God, from there on out.<\/p>\n<p>In fact, I think it is part of the grand illusion that Satan has put on. Before we are saved, he says, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to earn your way to heaven.\u201d\u00a0 Then, we get saved\u2014[Satan says], \u201cOkay; well, I\u2019ve lost them there; but you\u2019ve still got to <em>earn <\/em>God\u2019s love.\u201d\u00a0 So, if I am doing that with God, I\u2019m going to put my wife on the same routine that she\u2019s going to do to me. And the next thing you know, everything goes south. That\u2019s what we are saying in this book. We can have God\u2019s heart of grace, and it\u2019s a game-changer for the relationship when it comes to our marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What you\u2019re reminding me of here is what Paul said in Colossians, Chapter 2, verse 6\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>5:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014he said to these Christians at the church\u2014he said, \u201cTherefore, as you receive Christ Jesus, the Lord, so walk in Him.\u201d\u00a0 And he goes on to say, \u201cYou didn\u2019t receive Him by the works of the Law.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>No.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cYou received Christ by faith, and it\u2019s God\u2019s gift that He responded to your faith. And even your faith was a gift from God. He has saved you with His grace.\u201d\u00a0 And what you are saying is, \u201cJust as we have been saved through grace, and how God is relating to us, we are to magnify that grace toward our spouse, the person who knows us best and who sees us at our worst.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And when we read Colossians, Chapter 2, and see that we are to walk in the same way that we received Christ\u2014we are to walk in grace\u2014not try to perform. We do have to remember Romans 6, Tim, because in Romans 6, Paul says: \u201cWhat should we say?\u00a0 Should we continue in sin so that grace may abound?\u201d\u00a0 And he says, \u201cNo; if you\u2019ve really been changed, you\u2019re not going to want to continue in sin\u201d; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>6:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim:<\/strong> But see, I can take an attitude toward God\u2014where I am going to live my life to please Him. It sounds like a great idea, but it leads more to self-righteousness and performance; or I can say, \u201cNo, what I want to do is\u2014I want to trust God in my life.\u201d\u00a0 This leads to organic obedience\u2014more inside-out obedience. That\u2019s what we, ultimately, want to get in our marriage.<\/p>\n<p>When I married Darcy, she had four big brothers and a pretty mean-looking dad. So, I was faithful to her in those first few years of marrying her; because I knew that they would kill me!\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 So, I was obedient to my vows, because of the consequences I didn\u2019t want to face; but as I grew deeper and deeper in love with her, my desire to want to be a noble man, on her behalf, was more from the heart connection than a checklist. I think we don\u2019t\u2014we miss that a lot in our Christian life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It wasn\u2019t that she became perfect\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>7:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>No!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and earned your love.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>No!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was that you finally learned what real love was all about. Hollywood does a good job of really mystifying love, at this point.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, Hollywood is so enamored with an emotional, airbrushed, Photoshop<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>-ped thing that they are not even remotely close; but\u2014let me define love; because I think, when we define love properly and grace properly, we can keep these things in perspective.<\/p>\n<p>I like to define love as a commitment of my will to your needs and best interest, regardless of the cost. Now, that\u2019s the kind of love that God has for us. He shows us His grace, which is giving us something we desperately need, but don\u2019t necessarily deserve. And so\u2014well, look at the church. Does God show us grace because we\u2019re so loveable?\u2014we\u2019re so wonderful?\u2014we keep getting better and better?\u00a0 No, we are <em>pathetic<\/em>!\u00a0 Many times, we show up on empty and ornery; and He continues to love His church.<\/p>\n<p><strong>8:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re just saying, in <em>Grace Filled Marriage<\/em>, \u201cWhy don\u2019t we take that same love that God shows toward us, His bride, and show it toward our spouse?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Darcy, Tim talked about a performance-orientation toward marriage in the early years. Did you feel the same thing?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Oh, yes. I mean, I didn\u2019t grow up in a home that had much biblical content in it or teaching. So, I grew up wanting to be perfect; and I wanted everything to be peaceful. So, in our early years, when we had conflict or when he was displeased with me, I just thought: \u201cOkay; I\u2019ve got to try harder on this. I\u2019ve got to do <em>better<\/em>, because I don\u2019t want him to think that I\u2019m anything but perfect.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I had a hard time <em>owning<\/em> my own sin when we were first married. Tim has such a heart of justice that it was very hard on him when we would have a conflict.<\/p>\n<p><strong>9:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It would all end up being his fault, in my mind, and me not taking responsibility for my own sin and just acts of\u2014I don\u2019t know\u2014disappointment and dishonor. He worked me through that. Tim helped me see that\u2014and that\u2019s grace\u2014because, as he said, \u201cLove is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest, regardless of the cost.\u201d\u00a0 It was not in my best interest to think that I had no culpability in the things that I did to hurt him. So, his love for me\u2014it was a hard love because I didn\u2019t want to believe that I couldn\u2019t be perfect.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Do you remember when you started to get the grace idea for yourself, when it started to free you up and the difference it made?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Yes; it was when we had young children at home. I think God showed me\u2014through my love for my children and how\u2014sometimes, it\u2019s easier to get the grace-thing when you\u2019re in a position of power and your children are needy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>10:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I started to see the picture of God\u2019s grace more in that role, and it became more relevant in my marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, you\u2019ve never had\u2014you never hit a wall?\u00a0 You never hit a dark, deep valley, where you two\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>I think we\u2019ve had winter seasons in our marriage where we were so overwhelmed by just daily life\u2014four kids, ministry, and ill parents. You know, you just go down the list; and they just sucked all of the energy\u2014we were so tired. Unfortunately, you kind of give everybody what they need and don\u2019t always keep something for your spouse. I think we\u2019ve gone through those winter seasons.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>But I think we tend to think that these kinds of messages only apply to people that are in dire straits\u2014by the way, they <em>do<\/em> apply to people who are in dire straits\u2014but there are a lot of people that are having a\u2014would say they have a fairly-decent marriage\u2014but they are still a long ways from what they could be\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>11:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014because on the day-to-day basis, they are not letting Christ work in their heart\u2014become the DNA of their relationship. God is a God of relationship. He wanted that heart connection.<\/p>\n<p>What we are saying, in this book, is there is a way\u2014we quantify it in this book\u2014there is a way you can do this. It changes\u2014you know\u2014the unique things of our relationship, like intimacy\u2014it changes that radically. It changes the tough times\u2014the autumn years \/ the winter years.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; you\u2019re talking about cold fronts that move through a marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s the language that Mary Ann and I will use\u2014you know, a weather pattern\u2014where the weather just changes. It was sunny here yesterday. Look what happened\u2014a cold front moved through. [Laughter]\u00a0 That happens in every marriage. It doesn\u2019t mean that your marriage is bad, or that you married the wrong person, or that there is a flaw. It\u2019s just the reality of life\u2014that there are seasons where it gets cold and icy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>12:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It takes a little thaw before you can get back to normal. But it\u2019s in those moments that grace needs to fill both of your hearts. Otherwise, your hearts can get hardened; can\u2019t they?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>See, I look at grace as the proper clothing for any season\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014any occasion.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>\u2014any occasion. When we are clothed in grace, and those weather patterns come through, it can get us through that. It\u2019s also a very relaxing, freeing thing in those summer \/ springtime moments of our marriage too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, when we start out our marriages, we\u2019re not always thinking about all the seasons we\u2019re going to experience. We are getting married for some reasons\u2014and you talk about three in your book\u2014kind of three driving forces that everybody\u2019s about. I think it would be good to share that with your audience; because, regardless of what season you are in, you need to know, really, how you are relating to each other and satisfying one another\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>13:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>When I got married, I didn\u2019t know that Darcy had these three driving needs, nor did she know that I had them\u2014but when we studied God\u2019s grace, we saw that He was meeting them in us.<\/p>\n<p>We have three needs\u2014everybody married. We need to know that we are secure in that relationship. The way we meet that is give each other a secure love. We need to know that we are significant\u2014we have intrinsic worth and value. The way we give that\u2014meet that in each other\u2019s lives\u2014is give each other a significant purpose and help build that into them. Thirdly, we need to know that we are strong or sufficient to face the moments we\u2019re in. The way we help them get that is give them a strong hope for, not just now, but for the future. So\u2014secure love \/ a significant purpose. A strong hope is how God meets our needs through His grace. In the book, we show people how they can turn around and use those very things to meet their spouse\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, a secure love means that you know, no matter how chilly it gets with a cold front moving through, nobody is moving out.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>That your marriage is a safe place\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>14:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014that you don\u2019t have to worry about\u2014like I was worried about being perfect\u2014because you\u2019re not going anywhere. You can stay in that bad state, or cold-front state, or you can do the things that are necessary to move you beyond that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s the security that you are talking about\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014is that security to know: \u201cOkay; we\u2019re going to see this through together. We\u2019ll get to the other side. Yes, the weather is chilly right now; but the sun won\u2019t always be hidden.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Although I do think there are folks who have been in a\u2014the cold front has settled over the house for years. I think about a person, listening, who is going, \u201cThis all sounds fine; but this grace thing\u2014if it\u2019s not a two-way street \/ if it\u2019s not both of you committed to it\u2014then, it\u2019s just one miserable marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, it wasn\u2019t a two-way street between them and God. It was a one-way street that He kept going down. Galatians 6: \u201cDo not get weary in well doing, for in due time\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>15:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, the husband who says: \u201cTim, I hear you. I\u2019ve been doing that for <em>decades<\/em>. I haven\u2019t\u2014I don\u2019t know when the due season is coming, but I\u2019ve been waiting and I haven\u2019t found it.\u201d\u00a0 What do you say to them?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, let me jump in here and just say I know a guy like this. He has been in a marriage now\u2014it has to span three decades\u2014their children are grown. This guy has hung in there. For all practical purposes, they\u2019re married; but they are estranged from one another. Honestly, I don\u2019t know how the guy did it and continues to do it.<\/p>\n<p>Well, I do know\u2014we\u2019re talking about it here\u2014he knows the grace of God. He\u2019s committed to that woman and to be obedient to God to fulfill his assignment of loving her as Christ loved the church. Christ didn\u2019t love the church when the church was all scrubbed clean and beautiful, smiling at Him.<\/p>\n<p><strong>16:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Christ loved the church, and went and got the church out of the gutter, where He found a good number of us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And He redeemed us, and He <em>still<\/em> pursues us. That\u2019s really the message of the gospel.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; it really\u2014the only way you can keep pouring out grace, in the midst of adversity like that, is if you\u2019re continually being filled up with grace\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014on a daily basis. If you are trying to do it on your own, it\u2019s not going to work; but if every day, throughout the day, you are being filled up with the grace of God, then, you\u2019ve got a reserve that you can tap into.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I couldn\u2019t agree more.<\/p>\n<p>Tim, let\u2019s talk, real quickly, about significance. How do you help Darcy have a sense of significance, as a woman, when the culture wants to define significance around career, around accomplishment, achievement?\u00a0 How are you her cheerleader?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Well, I think our world is\u2014we measure significance four ways\u2014wealth, beauty, power, and fame.<\/p>\n<p><strong>17:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>God places no real value on any of those things in the Bible\u2014there is nothing wrong with them. I find that the things that I applaud Darcy\u2014that have eternal impact \/ give her greatest significance\u2014her love for her children \/ her grandchildren; the way she is being used as a conduit of God\u2019s grace, and mercy, and forgiveness to other people\u2014because that lasts forever.<\/p>\n<p>In the process, she also makes a great dinner, and she keeps a beautiful house, and she makes life a lot better for me to take on every day. But I do think that it\u2019s not something that she has to wonder, \u201cWhen was the last time he said that?\u201d\u00a0 We just make it a part of a daily vocabulary of building one another up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ll give you an example. I came home yesterday. I noticed some things around the house that had been\u2014there\u2019d been some work done.<\/p>\n<p><strong>18:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t always notice this; but for whatever reason, I noticed. I said, \u201cYou\u2014Wow!\u2014you have been busy here today.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, I pointed this out, and this out\u2014things that Mary Ann had been doing around the house. You think to yourself, \u201cA wife, who has been busy all day\u2014it\u2019s just nice that somebody noticed that you were doing those things rather than coming home and saying, \u2018What\u2019s for dinner, and where is the remote?\u2019\u201d\u2014right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I\u2019m not always good at this because, sometimes, I\u2019m preoccupied, but for husbands and wives to pay attention to the contributions that each of us are making to our relationship, to our homes, to our parenting, to all that we\u2019re doing\u2014and not just to notice it but, then, to verbalize it\u2014to say to the other person: \u201cI noticed this. I was\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>By the way, this is right out of God\u2019s playbook. He wants to say, someday, to us, \u201cWell done, good and faithful servant.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He is going to approve of us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>He wants to applaud us, with nail-scarred hands.<\/p>\n<p><strong>19:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>He owes us nothing!\u00a0 Yet, He sees that value He wants to place in us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I was brushing my teeth over the weekend. I looked at the\u2014I said: \u201cLook at this bathroom. This bathroom looks cleaner than the last time I brushed my teeth.\u201d\u00a0 I went to Mary Ann and I said, \u201cWhen did you clean the bathroom?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cOh, halftime\u2014I went up, when the game was on\u2014I went up at halftime\u2014I thought, \u2018I\u2019m going to clean this up.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>While you were eating popcorn, watching the game. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Tim: <\/strong>Yes; exactly.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Messing up the living room. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Exactly right!<\/p>\n<p>But the reality is\u2014she just found a little moment\u2014and just for me to step up and notice that and say: \u201cThank you. This is just one of those contributions you make, and I\u2019m grateful for it; and I don\u2019t say thank you enough.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I appreciate you illustrating that, Bob. You\u2019ve been a great illustrator of what we are talking about here. And I want to talk about the last one of how we bring strength to our spouse. I\u2019m thinking of you, Darcy. How have you really helped Tim have strength and hope for the future?<\/p>\n<p><strong>20:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I mean, Barbara\u2019s belief in me has kept me going over the years. I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve done that in your marriage over your four decades of marriage. Share with our listeners how you\u2019ve brought that strength to Tim.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Darcy: <\/strong>Tim and I were married for a week, and he started seminary \/ graduate school. He came home the first day and said: \u201cYou know what, Darcy? I think they made a mistake in admissions. I should not be here. You should see all the great guys that are in my classes\u2014people that have accomplished much.\u201d He said, \u201cI really feel out of my element.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Somehow, God spoke to me and just said: \u201cYou know what? You need to encourage this man. He has God-given abilities, and you need to really give him hope that God will use those.\u201d So I started writing him little notes\u2014putting them in his lunch and putting them in his textbooks. To this day, I can go to a drawer in his dresser and pull out a couple of those notes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>21:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>That seemed to remind him that \u201cNo; God was in this, and we\u2019re going to get through this together.\u201d So I think that gave him a strong hope for the future.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. No doubt about it. I look back on Barbara\u2019s belief in me, as a young man, starting out. I didn\u2019t realize how needy I was of having her to stand with me as we looked at the future.<\/p>\n<p>I want to encourage a wife to just take step back and go: \u201cAm I a cheerleader for my husband? Does he know I believe in him?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You stop and think about it\u2014grace is a pretty all-encompassing word. I mean, it captures a lot of what marriage is supposed to be all about\u2014kindness, and humility, and compassion, and tenderness. I mean, I\u2019m thinking of all of the words that really fit under that definition of grace, which is at the heart of what Tim and Darcy Kimmel have written about in the book that we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center, called <em>Grace Filled Marriage: <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>22:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>The Missing Piece. The place to start<\/em>,\u2014in marriage.<\/p>\n<p>You can go to our website at FamilyLifeToday.com to order your copy of <em>Grace Filled Marriage<\/em>. This may be a book you\u2019d like to go through with a small group or a study group. You can order from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call to place an order at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If this is something that you\u2019d like to meditate on and maybe soak in for an extended period of time, let me encourage you to join us this spring at one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. We will have\u2014I think it\u2019s almost 90\u201485 to 90 events happening in cities all across the country this spring. A weekend-long getaway for couples, where the two of you can just relax, and enjoy being with one another, and laugh, and have a good time, and talk about your relationship, and how you\u2019re doing and how you can do better.<\/p>\n<p><strong>23:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>This is an event that is great for couples who have a good marriage and want to see their good marriage continue to be a good marriage. It\u2019s also an event that is helpful for couples who are struggling and need hope and help.<\/p>\n<p>Right now, when you sign up for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, you pay the regular price for yourself and your spouse comes free. It\u2019s an offer we\u2019re making this week and next week for <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>listeners. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to sign up for the getaway, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. If you have any questions or if you\u2019d like to sign up over the phone\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Or again, register online at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014just look for the link for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.<\/p>\n<p><strong>24:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>If you need to know when a getaway is coming to a city near where you live, we have the maps and all the information available on our website. So again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we want to talk about the difference grace makes in a marriage\u2014some of the freedom that comes in a relationship when grace is the foundation for your marriage. Tim and Darcy Kimmel are going to be back with us. Hope you can be back with us as well.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>______________________________________________________________________________<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\"><u>donating today<\/u><\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2017 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304332","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304332"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304332"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304332"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304332"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304332"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304332"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304332"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}