{"id":304120,"date":"2016-08-09T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-08-09T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/one-heart-two-homes\/"},"modified":"2016-08-09T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2016-08-09T15:00:00","slug":"one-heart-two-homes","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/one-heart-two-homes\/","title":{"rendered":"One Heart, Two Homes"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Jay and Tammy Daughtry and Ron Deal talk about co-parenting children of divorce in a way that leaves them happier and healthier.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-08-09.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"28.43M","filesize_raw":"29808621","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2888,2936],"tags":[2585,4163,6055,4759,4033,2732],"podcast_series":[8156],"cwp_profile":[9431,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304120","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-multiple-home-realities","category-remarriage","tag-blended-family","tag-boundaries","tag-co-parenting","tag-discipline","tag-divorce","tag-remarriage","podcast_series-co-parenting-works","cwp_profile-jay-and-tammy-daughtry","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304120\/one-heart-two-homes","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304120\/one-heart-two-homes","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"ejRV3OdXyT\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/one-heart-two-homes\/\">One Heart, Two Homes<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/one-heart-two-homes\/embed\/#?secret=ejRV3OdXyT\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;One Heart, Two Homes&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"ejRV3OdXyT\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-08-09.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-08-09.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When Jay and Tammy Daughtry got married, they blended together two families and found what a lot of blended families find\u2014expectations don\u2019t always turn into reality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>As we got married\u2014I had been a father for almost 21 years at that point\u2014and it was really difficult for me because, as we were getting married, I am thinking: \u201cWow; another child!\u00a0 I\u2019m going to pour my love into her just like I poured my love into my other three kids, and I\u2019m going to be a dad. We\u2019ll have daddy\/daughter nights and stuff.\u201d\u00a0 But that\u2019s not going to be my story because she has a daddy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, August 9<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of issues that go into blending a family and into co-parenting. There are, also, a lot of ways to make it work well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll talk about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I have never talked to parents who were in the midst of or who had gone through a divorce who have said to one another: \u201cYou know, we hope this will be really hard on our kids.\u201d\u00a0 Parents don\u2019t say that when they are going through a divorce \/ they say just the opposite\u2014they say, \u201cEven though this isn\u2019t working\u201d\u2014for whatever reason\u2014\u201ceven though our marriage isn\u2019t staying together,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They want to protect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cwe want the outcome for them to be good.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The problem is most of those parents with that desire don\u2019t know how to make that happen in the midst of the challenge that they are experiencing in the dissolution of their own marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and we have a resource for parents in those situations that we\u2019re going to feature today that is going to help them, I believe, avoid some of the pitfalls that occur after a divorce or the death of a spouse and the formation of a blended family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJay and Tammy Daughtry join us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. They are the co-founders of Co-Parenting International. Welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Well, thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tammy has written a book called <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso joining us is Ron Deal, who heads up FamilyLife\u2019s Blended Family Initiative, and has got a summit for blended family ministry coming in September. This is something that every person in the church ought to be aware of and every church ought to have somebody at this event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>They should\u2014children\u2019s minister, a student ministry leader, or the senior pastor, all the way up to the marriage ministry leader\u2014anybody who is interested in understanding stepfamilies better and ministering to stepfamilies in their church and in their community should be a part of this two-day event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s being held, this year, on the campus of Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. And we\u2019re excited about working alongside them to bring this event. This is our fourth annual event, and I should mention that Jay and Tammy have been presenters at that event\u2014at the summit\u2014in the past. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I\u2019ll just say\u2014if folks would like more information about how they can attend, they can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. There is a link there that will give them information about The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. It\u2019s got the complete rundown. You can register online; or if you need more information, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And the Christian community \/ the church needs to be addressing this, recognizing that 40 percent of all the marriages being formed today are forming blended families with these needs. And we\u2019re going to talk about some of them right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you\u2019re committed to the idea that redemption is what the Bible talks about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014then, you ought to be committed to the idea that you can step into situations that have been fractured, even for wrong reasons, and see right things come out of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJay, I want you to comment on something because the name of your ministry is Co-Parenting International. What exactly is co-parenting?\u00a0 How would you describe it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Well, I guess the best way to describe co-parenting is that two parents in separate homes are raising one or multiple children. Those children are moving back and forth between those two homes. They have to learn how to function together, though they are separate, for the best interest of their children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>They have to form a team. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Tammy, you use that as an acronym in the book to explain: \u201cWhat are the elements that make for successful co-parenting?\u201d\u00a0 This comes out of your experience with your ex-husband and the two of you co-parenting, in the same city, a teenage daughter. What are the elements that make a healthy team?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Well, communication is one of the toughest things in a post-divorce scenario. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen mom and dad are in two homes, we have to find healthy, positive ways to communicate. Often, the main thing that parents do is try to talk at the handoff. That\u2019s the number one thing I did well, 15 years ago, when I was facing a divorce\u2014is I sat down with my daughter\u2019s dad; and I said, \u201cI don\u2019t ever want us to do co-parent business at the handoff.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was raised in a divorced family. So, I experienced that, as a kid\u2014you know, 7-Eleven<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> parking lots or the front door of somebody\u2019s house.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What did you experience?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Well, mom and dad doing \u201cthe handoff\u201d\u2014you know, you put your luggage in the car, the kid\u2019s waiting in the car or waiting outside while mom and dad are having a conversation. Sometimes, that was quick and easy\u2014handing us a child-support check or talking about a schedule\u2014but sometimes, those conversations got difficult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you can imagine, divorced parents have a lot of decisions to make\u2014the whole lifetime of a child\u2014you know: Whether they are going to play soccer \/ be in ballet; they are going to be part of a club at school\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cWho\u2019s going to take them?\u201d and \u201cWho\u2019s going to buy the shoes?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s going to happen at Christmas?\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s a death in the family,\u201d\u2014things that\u2014a parenting plan is a great anchor to post-divorce co-parenting; but real life happens in motion. So, those communication points about\u2014\u201cWhat do we do related to school, money, etc.?\u201d\u2014those are important communication points that a mom and dad have to figure out a way to handle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would recommend that they not ever do it at the handoff. The handoff should be quick, positive, and affirmative for the kids preparing themselves to be\u2014actually, be nice to one another at the front door\u2014to wish the other family well as the child leaves. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Okay; can I jump in for just a minute?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You just said something really important: \u201c\u2026preparing themselves for a positive handoff.\u201d\u00a0 Well, for some people listening to us right now, they have a decent relationship. We like to call that a cooperative co-parenting relationship with their ex-spouse, and they can do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s not a hard thing for them to have to prepare themselves for a positive handoff. <br><br>There are other people listening right now, who are going: \u201cOh, my word, you have no idea what I have to go through, and how difficult this is, and how many negative things come our direction. We have to respond to this and that and this accusation. In the background, there\u2019s this court-thing going on.\u201d\u00a0 These are people that have what we call the angry associate\u2014or of the fiery foes kind of ex-spouse co-parenting relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>In fact, Ron, some of them don\u2019t even make a handoff, face to face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We had a guest, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, who said, \u201cI was met at the door by the Sherriff\u2019s Department. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cHe would drive me down to a spot where my other parent met me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Honestly, in some situations, that is the best thing for the kid; but what that means is\u2014the two adults <em>can\u2019t<\/em> get to a place where they can have a positive attitude about the handoff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, explain what it\u2019s like for a child to be in the backseat of the car and mom says to bio-dad: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m not going to be able to pick her up next week because I just found out I have to go out of town on my job.\u201d\u00a0 He says, \u201cI can\u2019t take her next week either because I\u2019m already committed to this.\u201d\u00a0 She goes: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. It\u2019s my job!\u00a0 What do you want me to do?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And he says: \u201cBut I\u2019ve been planning this for six months. What do you want me to do?\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s going on with the kid in the backseat, Jay, when that conversation is going on outside the car?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Exactly; exactly\u2014that\u2019s what we\u2019re talking about. There is an escalation that takes place. Sometimes, that\u2019s long and drawn out. Sometimes, it goes from zero to a hundred in half a heartbeat. Meanwhile, while mom and dad are doing their thing\u2014acting out of their own angst, pain, and frustration\u2014well, the child is sitting back, maybe, right there \/ maybe, in the backseat of a car\u2014who knows?\u2014but all of that is spilling over into their hearts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that moment, they are feeling anything but safe. They are feeling a terrible tear in this loyalty of wanting to protect both parents, who are both going at each other. So, there\u2019s this <em>huge<\/em> load of anxiety that they carry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s a burden. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Now, if that happens once, twice, three times\u2014now, imagine that child\u2019s heart and their mindset. Every time it\u2019s time to go and make that transition\u2014I mean, I\u2019m telling you\u2014it\u2019s probably hours, at least and, maybe, even days before it takes place\u2014that they start to gather up a terrible burden of anxiety. They start imagining all the worst case scenarios. They start carrying all of the pain of what their parents are doing into those situations. And they have no way to do anything about it\u2014in 99 percent of the cases, they have no <em>voice<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>A child does not know how to process emotions like, supposedly, we who are adults. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And let me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Definitely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u00a0They are young, emotionally, and need coaching around this. So, you can only imagine the confusion they feel. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And let me just acknowledge\u2014this happens well into adulthood; right?\u00a0 So, we may be talking about six-year-olds; but I know twenty-six and thirty-six-year-olds that, every time mom and dad argue, they begin to shrink \/ they begin to get depressed. They begin to kind of feel the weight and the burden that Jay is talking about on their hearts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, what we\u2019re saying is\u2014if the mom and dad start this whole thing off by saying, \u201cWe really do want what\u2019s best for our kids,\u201d that mom and dad are going to say, \u201cWhen we\u2019ve got to work stuff like this out, we\u2019re not going to do it with the kid in the backseat or even waiting out in the car while we are spending 15 minutes in the living room\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand the kid is in the backseat, going, \u2018What\u2019s taking Mom and Dad so long?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 You have to have that dialogue outside of the child\u2019s presence and hearing; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Absolutely. That can happen in a few ways. When we started out in our journey, our daughter was one. So, we would talk on the phone a few times a quarter. When she was asleep, we would make appointments with each other by phone. As she got older\u2014I think around four or five\u2014she was in ballet on Saturdays. So, maybe, once a quarter, we would meet at the McDonald\u2019s down the street while she was in ballet. We\u2019d bring our day-timers and our, actually, an agenda \/ a list\u2014not a negative agenda\u2014but talking points that we knew we needed to discuss. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe would sit down and do our very best to try to make decisions that were in her best interest. Now, those conversations at McDonald\u2019s\u2014they never escalated to the point of crazy\u2014but there are hard conversations that moms and dads have to have. You know, even if you both are Christian and you both have similar values, you still make decisions differently. So, that compartmentalized time has been very protective, first and foremost, for our daughter because she\u2019s never witnessed a conversation; she\u2019s never had to be the messenger, back and forth between us; she hasn\u2019t had to wait in the car and wonder, \u201cWhat\u2019s happening?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the second thing it has done is\u2014it\u2019s really protected me, and it\u2019s protected her dad. When we show up at volleyball games or at high school events, we\u2019re not sitting in the stands, trying to work out child support issues. We do it at the co-parent meeting. We just now\u2014we get to show up and be a mom \/ be a dad and enjoy our child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, from an adult child of divorce\u2019s perspective, there are common emotional burdens that kids carry. They go back to that very kind of thing\u2014that Mom and Dad could never communicate \/ they put me in the middle as a messenger. That\u2019s just tough on kids, and it doesn\u2019t go away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd co-parenting is a commitment by mom \/ by dad to say: \u201cNo matter what happened in the past, we are going to do everything we can to protect our child \/ raise them well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThough we don\u2019t agree, we\u2019re going to find healthy ways to disagree.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If there is someone listening to us, right now, and they are in one of these situations, where they go, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s not working the way we\u2019re doing it,\u201d\u2014does there need to be an invitation to co-parent?\u2014say: \u201cCould we possibly do this together?\u00a0 Can we cooperate with each other?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Absolutely. As a marriage and family therapist, one of the joys that I\u2019ve had through the years is coaching people through that process\u2014where they have a difficult, or awkward, or distant ex-spouse relationship\u2014and to have them take strides to change that because it radically\u2014as Tammy just implied\u2014it <em>radically<\/em> changes everything else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. I\u2019m thinking about the listener, who is going: \u201cI would <em>love<\/em> what you\u2019re describing\u2014the quarterly meeting at McDonald\u2019s with my ex-spouse, where we could get\u2014I\u2019d love to do that; but when I tried to make something like that happen, he doesn\u2019t show up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Let me give you a suggestion right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cHe\u2019s not paying the child support.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, they can give you all the reasons why this isn\u2019t happening. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Here\u2019s a practical suggestion. So, let\u2019s talk about the best case scenario and the worst case scenario because this is\u2014we\u2019re talking about real life at this point. Best case scenario: You take Tammy\u2019s book, <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em> and you send it to your ex-spouse. Right now, I\u2019m saying to everybody listening that: \u201cIf you have an ex-spouse co-parent relationship, send them Tammy\u2019s book\u201d; right?\u00a0 And you can blame <em>me<\/em> when you send it to your ex-. You can say: \u201cWell, I was listening to these guys on radio. He said\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cThey made me buy it!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cthat I should. So, I\u2019m just sending it to you because Ron said so.\u201d\u00a0 So, there you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cAnd it\u2019s not because you are a bad parent.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right\u2014that\u2019s the point!\u00a0 There\u2019s no agenda here. We\u2019re not blaming anybody. We\u2019re just saying\u2014we\u2019re inviting you to read this: \u201cMaybe, there is something in here for you. I\u2019m going to read it. Well, let\u2019s see what happens.\u201d\u00a0 That soft invitation has gone so far\u2014I\u2019ve since seen so many people change their circumstances with just a nice, soft invitation like that. Blame me\u2014it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m okay with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I\u2019ll just say that we\u2019ve got, obviously, copies of <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA listener can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and get two copies\u2014one to keep \/ one to send\u2014and maybe, begin the process of doing this. But I know that there are people who are listening, who are saying: \u201cThis will never work with my ex-. I can\u2019t get him to return phone calls, much less, respond to a book.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And let me tell you\u2014that is true in some cases; okay?\u00a0 Now, sometimes, it\u2019s not true. The reason it hasn\u2019t worked in the past is because it was <em>you<\/em> pushing your agenda on them. You did that when you were married, and it didn\u2019t work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s not going to work in your divorce. So, let the book teach your ex- what they need to hear\u2014not <em>you<\/em>. Let the book do the teaching; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let\u2019s come back, though, to the worst case scenario because we need some help. Jay and Tammy\u2014when the other household is not cooperative \/ doesn\u2019t seem to have any interest in that\u2014you\u2019re doing everything you can; but obviously, you can\u2019t change them. It\u2019s just a <em>difficult<\/em> situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat are the things that you suggest?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Well, there\u2019s\u2014it\u2019s interesting\u2014there\u2019s actually a whole chapter in here about: \u201cWhat do I do if the other parent won\u2019t cooperate?\u00a0 What if I\u2019m actually co-parenting alone?\u00a0 If they\u2019ve abandoned me, they\u2019ve abandoned the parenting process.\u201d\u00a0 You know, sometimes, a parent lives three blocks away; but they are not engaged. So, we deal with a lot of those tough, tough topics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not an easy thing to give a magic answer to, but what I always go back to is: \u201cIf you love the same child \/ you both love these children, something has to change.\u201d\u00a0 Maybe, you won\u2019t agree for five years on anything different; but if one of you does one thing different today and every day after, your child has a chance to grow up in a healthier way than doing nothing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Jay, I\u2019ve got to ask you a question. So, Tammy had been co-parenting with her ex-husband for many years; and then, you came into the picture. What\u2019s your role as a stepparent?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow did that complicate things for Tammy and her ex-husband?\u00a0 How did you find your way in?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Wow!\u00a0 That is a really hard question to answer honestly, but I\u2019m going to answer it honestly\u2014because it\u2019s a very emotional question. As we got married, I had been a father for almost 21 years at that point. I had two daughters and a son. It was really difficult for me because, as we were getting married, I am thinking: \u201cWow, another child!\u00a0 I\u2019m going to pour my love into her just like I poured my love into my other three kids, and it\u2019s going to be great. I\u2019m going to be a dad, and we\u2019ll have daddy\/daughter nights and stuff.\u201d\u00a0 But there was a moment when I realized, \u201cThat\u2019s not going to be my story with her because she has a daddy.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve learned to be very happy about the fact that he\u2019s fully engaged, that he loves her terrifically, and that he raises her well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, as a stepdad, I had to step back and say to myself, \u201cOkay; all of what I feel I want to do to engage, I have to filter and be careful with because I don\u2019t want to cause confusion; I don\u2019t want to dishonor her father and put him in an awkward place.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll along the way, I\u2019ve been very careful to be sure that I\u2019m smiling and shaking his hand at the door. When she has questions or difficulties because she\u2019s had a fight with her dad, I\u2019m not jumping in to be the hero and say what a bad guy he was and, \u201cIf I was your dad, this is how I would do it.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, those opportunities are there; but I recognize, in the long view, taking a position like that might give me a moment of satisfaction or feel like I\u2019m the hero; but it would hurt her heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt would harm my relationship with her father which harms my relationship with her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>So, it is an odd place to be many times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And what you\u2019ve just said\u2014there\u2019s a grief in it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I mean, it costs you something\u2014your expectations \/ your hopes are not realized. Yet, you make that sacrifice, day in and day out, for her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, at the end of the day, co-parenting is about sacrifice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s about all of your hopes and dreams aren\u2019t going to be what you wish they could be. You\u2019ve got to make choices, not based on what matters most to you, but what\u2019s in the best interest of your son or your daughter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And here is where, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, I would just implore you\u2014ask God to teach you; ask God to love your former spouse through you; ask God to love your child in the midst of this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know what that looks like in your situation, but you know Almighty God does. And He\u2019s given us a book, the Bible, to be able to instruct us, and mentor us, and teach us. He\u2019s, also, given us members of the body of Christ, like the Daughtrys, who have pounded out some tough lessons here that they want to pass onto others. A book like this can really be important, not only for you, but for your former spouse and, most importantly, for your child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, it gets you working together, as a team, for the benefit of the child. Of course, we\u2019ve got copies of the book, <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to request your copy, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. <br><br>By the way, Jay and Tammy are going to be with us out in Colorado Springs September 29 and 30. We are on the campus at Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re hosting The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. This is our fourth annual summit, and we\u2019re doing it this year in partnership with our friends at Focus on the Family. Ron Deal is going to be there. Greg Smalley will be there. Dennis, you and I are going to be there\u2014a lot of folks lined up to be part of this year\u2019s summit. It\u2019s for pastors, or youth leaders, or counselors, or anybody who has a heart to see God bring healing, and redemption, and restoration in the midst of brokenness\u2014and that\u2019s what broken families represent\u2014but God delights, as we\u2019ve said, in taking broken things and making them beautiful. That\u2019s the goal of the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you\u2019ll plan to join us. If you\u2019ve got any questions, or if you\u2019d like to register, go online at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014there is information available there. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We\u2019ll see if we can answer any questions you have about the upcoming summit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we\u2019ve got more than 300 staff, which are part of our team, here in Little Rock, and dozens of other couples that work as part of FamilyLife all around the country. So, if you stop and think about it, it shouldn\u2019t be surprising that, virtually every day, somebody on staff is celebrating an anniversary. That\u2019s the case today. Bob and Debbie Anderson, who live here in Little Rock, and are a part of the FamilyLife team\u2014Bob works as an event planner \/ he helps with all of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaways throughout the year. He and Debbie are celebrating 42 years of marriage today. \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Andersons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe think anniversaries are a big deal. We\u2019ve been celebrating anniversaries all this year as The Proud Sponsor of Anniversaries<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. We hope all of you are making a big deal out of your anniversary\u2014you should. Anniversaries are a big deal because they represent commitment and covenant-keeping\u2014doing what you promised\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014to love, honor, and obey. And even as we talk about blended families here today, our goal, at FamilyLife, is that the marriage you are in today would be the marriage that endures all the way to the finish line. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who partner with us in this endeavor\u2014thanks for your support of this ministry. In fact, if you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d love to express our thanks by sending you a set of three Bible studies from our <em>Art of Marriage<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em>Connect Series. These are designed for couples to use in small groups; or you can use them individually, if you\u2019d like\u2014as husband and wife\u2014go through them together. These three studies are our gift to you if you are able to help us with a donation of, at least, $100 in support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate over the phone. You can also mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; and our mailing address is PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, Ron Deal is going to be back with us. We\u2019re going to continue our conversation about what works and what doesn\u2019t work as you are trying to blend a family. Hope you can tune in for that. And if you know somebody in a blended family who, maybe, is experiencing some challenges, invite them to tune in as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["28.43M"],"filesize_raw":["29808621"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-304120.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-304120.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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and Tammy Daughtry and Ron Deal talk about co-parenting children of divorce in a way that leaves them happier and healthier.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-08-09.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When Jay and Tammy Daughtry got married, they blended together two families and found what a lot of blended families find\u2014expectations don\u2019t always turn into reality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>As we got married\u2014I had been a father for almost 21 years at that point\u2014and it was really difficult for me because, as we were getting married, I am thinking: \u201cWow; another child!\u00a0 I\u2019m going to pour my love into her just like I poured my love into my other three kids, and I\u2019m going to be a dad. We\u2019ll have daddy\/daughter nights and stuff.\u201d\u00a0 But that\u2019s not going to be my story because she has a daddy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, August 9<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of issues that go into blending a family and into co-parenting. There are, also, a lot of ways to make it work well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll talk about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I have never talked to parents who were in the midst of or who had gone through a divorce who have said to one another: \u201cYou know, we hope this will be really hard on our kids.\u201d\u00a0 Parents don\u2019t say that when they are going through a divorce \/ they say just the opposite\u2014they say, \u201cEven though this isn\u2019t working\u201d\u2014for whatever reason\u2014\u201ceven though our marriage isn\u2019t staying together,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They want to protect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cwe want the outcome for them to be good.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The problem is most of those parents with that desire don\u2019t know how to make that happen in the midst of the challenge that they are experiencing in the dissolution of their own marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; and we have a resource for parents in those situations that we\u2019re going to feature today that is going to help them, I believe, avoid some of the pitfalls that occur after a divorce or the death of a spouse and the formation of a blended family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJay and Tammy Daughtry join us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. They are the co-founders of Co-Parenting International. Welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Well, thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Tammy has written a book called <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlso joining us is Ron Deal, who heads up FamilyLife\u2019s Blended Family Initiative, and has got a summit for blended family ministry coming in September. This is something that every person in the church ought to be aware of and every church ought to have somebody at this event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>They should\u2014children\u2019s minister, a student ministry leader, or the senior pastor, all the way up to the marriage ministry leader\u2014anybody who is interested in understanding stepfamilies better and ministering to stepfamilies in their church and in their community should be a part of this two-day event. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s being held, this year, on the campus of Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. And we\u2019re excited about working alongside them to bring this event. This is our fourth annual event, and I should mention that Jay and Tammy have been presenters at that event\u2014at the summit\u2014in the past. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I\u2019ll just say\u2014if folks would like more information about how they can attend, they can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. There is a link there that will give them information about The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. It\u2019s got the complete rundown. You can register online; or if you need more information, call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And the Christian community \/ the church needs to be addressing this, recognizing that 40 percent of all the marriages being formed today are forming blended families with these needs. And we\u2019re going to talk about some of them right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you\u2019re committed to the idea that redemption is what the Bible talks about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014then, you ought to be committed to the idea that you can step into situations that have been fractured, even for wrong reasons, and see right things come out of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No doubt about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJay, I want you to comment on something because the name of your ministry is Co-Parenting International. What exactly is co-parenting?\u00a0 How would you describe it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Well, I guess the best way to describe co-parenting is that two parents in separate homes are raising one or multiple children. Those children are moving back and forth between those two homes. They have to learn how to function together, though they are separate, for the best interest of their children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>They have to form a team. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Tammy, you use that as an acronym in the book to explain: \u201cWhat are the elements that make for successful co-parenting?\u201d\u00a0 This comes out of your experience with your ex-husband and the two of you co-parenting, in the same city, a teenage daughter. What are the elements that make a healthy team?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Well, communication is one of the toughest things in a post-divorce scenario. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen mom and dad are in two homes, we have to find healthy, positive ways to communicate. Often, the main thing that parents do is try to talk at the handoff. That\u2019s the number one thing I did well, 15 years ago, when I was facing a divorce\u2014is I sat down with my daughter\u2019s dad; and I said, \u201cI don\u2019t ever want us to do co-parent business at the handoff.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was raised in a divorced family. So, I experienced that, as a kid\u2014you know, 7-Eleven<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> parking lots or the front door of somebody\u2019s house.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What did you experience?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Well, mom and dad doing \u201cthe handoff\u201d\u2014you know, you put your luggage in the car, the kid\u2019s waiting in the car or waiting outside while mom and dad are having a conversation. Sometimes, that was quick and easy\u2014handing us a child-support check or talking about a schedule\u2014but sometimes, those conversations got difficult. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs you can imagine, divorced parents have a lot of decisions to make\u2014the whole lifetime of a child\u2014you know: Whether they are going to play soccer \/ be in ballet; they are going to be part of a club at school\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cWho\u2019s going to take them?\u201d and \u201cWho\u2019s going to buy the shoes?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s going to happen at Christmas?\u201d \u201cThere\u2019s a death in the family,\u201d\u2014things that\u2014a parenting plan is a great anchor to post-divorce co-parenting; but real life happens in motion. So, those communication points about\u2014\u201cWhat do we do related to school, money, etc.?\u201d\u2014those are important communication points that a mom and dad have to figure out a way to handle. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would recommend that they not ever do it at the handoff. The handoff should be quick, positive, and affirmative for the kids preparing themselves to be\u2014actually, be nice to one another at the front door\u2014to wish the other family well as the child leaves. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Okay; can I jump in for just a minute?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>You just said something really important: \u201c\u2026preparing themselves for a positive handoff.\u201d\u00a0 Well, for some people listening to us right now, they have a decent relationship. We like to call that a cooperative co-parenting relationship with their ex-spouse, and they can do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s not a hard thing for them to have to prepare themselves for a positive handoff. <br><br>There are other people listening right now, who are going: \u201cOh, my word, you have no idea what I have to go through, and how difficult this is, and how many negative things come our direction. We have to respond to this and that and this accusation. In the background, there\u2019s this court-thing going on.\u201d\u00a0 These are people that have what we call the angry associate\u2014or of the fiery foes kind of ex-spouse co-parenting relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>In fact, Ron, some of them don\u2019t even make a handoff, face to face. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We had a guest, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, who said, \u201cI was met at the door by the Sherriff\u2019s Department. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cHe would drive me down to a spot where my other parent met me.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Honestly, in some situations, that is the best thing for the kid; but what that means is\u2014the two adults <em>can\u2019t<\/em> get to a place where they can have a positive attitude about the handoff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, explain what it\u2019s like for a child to be in the backseat of the car and mom says to bio-dad: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m not going to be able to pick her up next week because I just found out I have to go out of town on my job.\u201d\u00a0 He says, \u201cI can\u2019t take her next week either because I\u2019m already committed to this.\u201d\u00a0 She goes: \u201cI\u2019m sorry. It\u2019s my job!\u00a0 What do you want me to do?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And he says: \u201cBut I\u2019ve been planning this for six months. What do you want me to do?\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s going on with the kid in the backseat, Jay, when that conversation is going on outside the car?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Exactly; exactly\u2014that\u2019s what we\u2019re talking about. There is an escalation that takes place. Sometimes, that\u2019s long and drawn out. Sometimes, it goes from zero to a hundred in half a heartbeat. Meanwhile, while mom and dad are doing their thing\u2014acting out of their own angst, pain, and frustration\u2014well, the child is sitting back, maybe, right there \/ maybe, in the backseat of a car\u2014who knows?\u2014but all of that is spilling over into their hearts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that moment, they are feeling anything but safe. They are feeling a terrible tear in this loyalty of wanting to protect both parents, who are both going at each other. So, there\u2019s this <em>huge<\/em> load of anxiety that they carry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s a burden. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Now, if that happens once, twice, three times\u2014now, imagine that child\u2019s heart and their mindset. Every time it\u2019s time to go and make that transition\u2014I mean, I\u2019m telling you\u2014it\u2019s probably hours, at least and, maybe, even days before it takes place\u2014that they start to gather up a terrible burden of anxiety. They start imagining all the worst case scenarios. They start carrying all of the pain of what their parents are doing into those situations. And they have no way to do anything about it\u2014in 99 percent of the cases, they have no <em>voice<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>A child does not know how to process emotions like, supposedly, we who are adults. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And let me\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Definitely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u00a0They are young, emotionally, and need coaching around this. So, you can only imagine the confusion they feel. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And let me just acknowledge\u2014this happens well into adulthood; right?\u00a0 So, we may be talking about six-year-olds; but I know twenty-six and thirty-six-year-olds that, every time mom and dad argue, they begin to shrink \/ they begin to get depressed. They begin to kind of feel the weight and the burden that Jay is talking about on their hearts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, what we\u2019re saying is\u2014if the mom and dad start this whole thing off by saying, \u201cWe really do want what\u2019s best for our kids,\u201d that mom and dad are going to say, \u201cWhen we\u2019ve got to work stuff like this out, we\u2019re not going to do it with the kid in the backseat or even waiting out in the car while we are spending 15 minutes in the living room\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand the kid is in the backseat, going, \u2018What\u2019s taking Mom and Dad so long?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 You have to have that dialogue outside of the child\u2019s presence and hearing; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Absolutely. That can happen in a few ways. When we started out in our journey, our daughter was one. So, we would talk on the phone a few times a quarter. When she was asleep, we would make appointments with each other by phone. As she got older\u2014I think around four or five\u2014she was in ballet on Saturdays. So, maybe, once a quarter, we would meet at the McDonald\u2019s down the street while she was in ballet. We\u2019d bring our day-timers and our, actually, an agenda \/ a list\u2014not a negative agenda\u2014but talking points that we knew we needed to discuss. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe would sit down and do our very best to try to make decisions that were in her best interest. Now, those conversations at McDonald\u2019s\u2014they never escalated to the point of crazy\u2014but there are hard conversations that moms and dads have to have. You know, even if you both are Christian and you both have similar values, you still make decisions differently. So, that compartmentalized time has been very protective, first and foremost, for our daughter because she\u2019s never witnessed a conversation; she\u2019s never had to be the messenger, back and forth between us; she hasn\u2019t had to wait in the car and wonder, \u201cWhat\u2019s happening?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the second thing it has done is\u2014it\u2019s really protected me, and it\u2019s protected her dad. When we show up at volleyball games or at high school events, we\u2019re not sitting in the stands, trying to work out child support issues. We do it at the co-parent meeting. We just now\u2014we get to show up and be a mom \/ be a dad and enjoy our child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, from an adult child of divorce\u2019s perspective, there are common emotional burdens that kids carry. They go back to that very kind of thing\u2014that Mom and Dad could never communicate \/ they put me in the middle as a messenger. That\u2019s just tough on kids, and it doesn\u2019t go away. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd co-parenting is a commitment by mom \/ by dad to say: \u201cNo matter what happened in the past, we are going to do everything we can to protect our child \/ raise them well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThough we don\u2019t agree, we\u2019re going to find healthy ways to disagree.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>If there is someone listening to us, right now, and they are in one of these situations, where they go, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s not working the way we\u2019re doing it,\u201d\u2014does there need to be an invitation to co-parent?\u2014say: \u201cCould we possibly do this together?\u00a0 Can we cooperate with each other?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Absolutely. As a marriage and family therapist, one of the joys that I\u2019ve had through the years is coaching people through that process\u2014where they have a difficult, or awkward, or distant ex-spouse relationship\u2014and to have them take strides to change that because it radically\u2014as Tammy just implied\u2014it <em>radically<\/em> changes everything else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. I\u2019m thinking about the listener, who is going: \u201cI would <em>love<\/em> what you\u2019re describing\u2014the quarterly meeting at McDonald\u2019s with my ex-spouse, where we could get\u2014I\u2019d love to do that; but when I tried to make something like that happen, he doesn\u2019t show up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Let me give you a suggestion right now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cHe\u2019s not paying the child support.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, they can give you all the reasons why this isn\u2019t happening. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Here\u2019s a practical suggestion. So, let\u2019s talk about the best case scenario and the worst case scenario because this is\u2014we\u2019re talking about real life at this point. Best case scenario: You take Tammy\u2019s book, <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em> and you send it to your ex-spouse. Right now, I\u2019m saying to everybody listening that: \u201cIf you have an ex-spouse co-parent relationship, send them Tammy\u2019s book\u201d; right?\u00a0 And you can blame <em>me<\/em> when you send it to your ex-. You can say: \u201cWell, I was listening to these guys on radio. He said\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cThey made me buy it!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cthat I should. So, I\u2019m just sending it to you because Ron said so.\u201d\u00a0 So, there you go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cAnd it\u2019s not because you are a bad parent.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right\u2014that\u2019s the point!\u00a0 There\u2019s no agenda here. We\u2019re not blaming anybody. We\u2019re just saying\u2014we\u2019re inviting you to read this: \u201cMaybe, there is something in here for you. I\u2019m going to read it. Well, let\u2019s see what happens.\u201d\u00a0 That soft invitation has gone so far\u2014I\u2019ve since seen so many people change their circumstances with just a nice, soft invitation like that. Blame me\u2014it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m okay with it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I\u2019ll just say that we\u2019ve got, obviously, copies of <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>Resource Center. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA listener can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com and get two copies\u2014one to keep \/ one to send\u2014and maybe, begin the process of doing this. But I know that there are people who are listening, who are saying: \u201cThis will never work with my ex-. I can\u2019t get him to return phone calls, much less, respond to a book.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And let me tell you\u2014that is true in some cases; okay?\u00a0 Now, sometimes, it\u2019s not true. The reason it hasn\u2019t worked in the past is because it was <em>you<\/em> pushing your agenda on them. You did that when you were married, and it didn\u2019t work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron: <\/strong>It\u2019s not going to work in your divorce. So, let the book teach your ex- what they need to hear\u2014not <em>you<\/em>. Let the book do the teaching; okay?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, let\u2019s come back, though, to the worst case scenario because we need some help. Jay and Tammy\u2014when the other household is not cooperative \/ doesn\u2019t seem to have any interest in that\u2014you\u2019re doing everything you can; but obviously, you can\u2019t change them. It\u2019s just a <em>difficult<\/em> situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat are the things that you suggest?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Tammy: <\/strong>Well, there\u2019s\u2014it\u2019s interesting\u2014there\u2019s actually a whole chapter in here about: \u201cWhat do I do if the other parent won\u2019t cooperate?\u00a0 What if I\u2019m actually co-parenting alone?\u00a0 If they\u2019ve abandoned me, they\u2019ve abandoned the parenting process.\u201d\u00a0 You know, sometimes, a parent lives three blocks away; but they are not engaged. So, we deal with a lot of those tough, tough topics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not an easy thing to give a magic answer to, but what I always go back to is: \u201cIf you love the same child \/ you both love these children, something has to change.\u201d\u00a0 Maybe, you won\u2019t agree for five years on anything different; but if one of you does one thing different today and every day after, your child has a chance to grow up in a healthier way than doing nothing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Jay, I\u2019ve got to ask you a question. So, Tammy had been co-parenting with her ex-husband for many years; and then, you came into the picture. What\u2019s your role as a stepparent?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow did that complicate things for Tammy and her ex-husband?\u00a0 How did you find your way in?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Wow!\u00a0 That is a really hard question to answer honestly, but I\u2019m going to answer it honestly\u2014because it\u2019s a very emotional question. As we got married, I had been a father for almost 21 years at that point. I had two daughters and a son. It was really difficult for me because, as we were getting married, I am thinking: \u201cWow, another child!\u00a0 I\u2019m going to pour my love into her just like I poured my love into my other three kids, and it\u2019s going to be great. I\u2019m going to be a dad, and we\u2019ll have daddy\/daughter nights and stuff.\u201d\u00a0 But there was a moment when I realized, \u201cThat\u2019s not going to be my story with her because she has a daddy.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve learned to be very happy about the fact that he\u2019s fully engaged, that he loves her terrifically, and that he raises her well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor me, as a stepdad, I had to step back and say to myself, \u201cOkay; all of what I feel I want to do to engage, I have to filter and be careful with because I don\u2019t want to cause confusion; I don\u2019t want to dishonor her father and put him in an awkward place.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll along the way, I\u2019ve been very careful to be sure that I\u2019m smiling and shaking his hand at the door. When she has questions or difficulties because she\u2019s had a fight with her dad, I\u2019m not jumping in to be the hero and say what a bad guy he was and, \u201cIf I was your dad, this is how I would do it.\u201d\u00a0 I mean, those opportunities are there; but I recognize, in the long view, taking a position like that might give me a moment of satisfaction or feel like I\u2019m the hero; but it would hurt her heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt would harm my relationship with her father which harms my relationship with her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>So, it is an odd place to be many times. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>And what you\u2019ve just said\u2014there\u2019s a grief in it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jay: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I mean, it costs you something\u2014your expectations \/ your hopes are not realized. Yet, you make that sacrifice, day in and day out, for her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, at the end of the day, co-parenting is about sacrifice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s about all of your hopes and dreams aren\u2019t going to be what you wish they could be. You\u2019ve got to make choices, not based on what matters most to you, but what\u2019s in the best interest of your son or your daughter. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And here is where, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, I would just implore you\u2014ask God to teach you; ask God to love your former spouse through you; ask God to love your child in the midst of this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t know what that looks like in your situation, but you know Almighty God does. And He\u2019s given us a book, the Bible, to be able to instruct us, and mentor us, and teach us. He\u2019s, also, given us members of the body of Christ, like the Daughtrys, who have pounded out some tough lessons here that they want to pass onto others. A book like this can really be important, not only for you, but for your former spouse and, most importantly, for your child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, it gets you working together, as a team, for the benefit of the child. Of course, we\u2019ve got copies of the book, <em>Co-Parenting Works!<\/em> in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to request your copy, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. <br><br>By the way, Jay and Tammy are going to be with us out in Colorado Springs September 29 and 30. We are on the campus at Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re hosting The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. This is our fourth annual summit, and we\u2019re doing it this year in partnership with our friends at Focus on the Family. Ron Deal is going to be there. Greg Smalley will be there. Dennis, you and I are going to be there\u2014a lot of folks lined up to be part of this year\u2019s summit. It\u2019s for pastors, or youth leaders, or counselors, or anybody who has a heart to see God bring healing, and redemption, and restoration in the midst of brokenness\u2014and that\u2019s what broken families represent\u2014but God delights, as we\u2019ve said, in taking broken things and making them beautiful. That\u2019s the goal of the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hope you\u2019ll plan to join us. If you\u2019ve got any questions, or if you\u2019d like to register, go online at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014there is information available there. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We\u2019ll see if we can answer any questions you have about the upcoming summit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we\u2019ve got more than 300 staff, which are part of our team, here in Little Rock, and dozens of other couples that work as part of FamilyLife all around the country. So, if you stop and think about it, it shouldn\u2019t be surprising that, virtually every day, somebody on staff is celebrating an anniversary. That\u2019s the case today. Bob and Debbie Anderson, who live here in Little Rock, and are a part of the FamilyLife team\u2014Bob works as an event planner \/ he helps with all of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaways throughout the year. He and Debbie are celebrating 42 years of marriage today. \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Andersons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe think anniversaries are a big deal. We\u2019ve been celebrating anniversaries all this year as The Proud Sponsor of Anniversaries<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. We hope all of you are making a big deal out of your anniversary\u2014you should. Anniversaries are a big deal because they represent commitment and covenant-keeping\u2014doing what you promised\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014to love, honor, and obey. And even as we talk about blended families here today, our goal, at FamilyLife, is that the marriage you are in today would be the marriage that endures all the way to the finish line. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who partner with us in this endeavor\u2014thanks for your support of this ministry. In fact, if you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d love to express our thanks by sending you a set of three Bible studies from our <em>Art of Marriage<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em>Connect Series. These are designed for couples to use in small groups; or you can use them individually, if you\u2019d like\u2014as husband and wife\u2014go through them together. These three studies are our gift to you if you are able to help us with a donation of, at least, $100 in support of the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can make your donation online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate over the phone. You can also mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>; and our mailing address is PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, Ron Deal is going to be back with us. We\u2019re going to continue our conversation about what works and what doesn\u2019t work as you are trying to blend a family. Hope you can tune in for that. And if you know somebody in a blended family who, maybe, is experiencing some challenges, invite them to tune in as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/304120","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=304120"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=304120"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=304120"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=304120"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=304120"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=304120"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=304120"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}