{"id":304072,"date":"2016-07-06T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-07-06T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/step-parenting-challenges\/"},"modified":"2016-07-06T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2016-07-06T15:00:00","slug":"step-parenting-challenges","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/step-parenting-challenges\/","title":{"rendered":"Step Parenting Challenges"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Stepparenting has its challenges. That&#8217;s what Jerry and Kate Angelo found out when they married and became a blended family of six. The Angelos, along with blended family expert Ron Deal, tell how their marriage impacted their children in unexpected ways.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<br \/>\nLearn more about Jerry and Kate&#8217;s ministry Marriage Awakening<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Stepparenting has its challenges. That&#8217;s what Jerry and Kate Angelo found out when they married and became a blended\u00a0family of six.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"%%excerpt%%","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-07-06.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.13M","filesize_raw":"26351098","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2888,2894],"tags":[2585,2732,4509],"podcast_series":[8151],"cwp_profile":[9427,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-304072","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-multiple-home-realities","category-stepfamily-living","tag-blended-family","tag-remarriage","tag-step-parenting","podcast_series-the-complex-world-of-a-blended-family","cwp_profile-jerry-and-kate-angelo","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304072\/step-parenting-challenges","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304072\/step-parenting-challenges","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"yW8R9H54EY\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/step-parenting-challenges\/\">Step Parenting Challenges<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/step-parenting-challenges\/embed\/#?secret=yW8R9H54EY\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Step Parenting Challenges&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"yW8R9H54EY\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-07-06.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-07-06.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s important for moms and dads to be on the same page when it comes to parenting their children; but as Kate and Jerry Angelo point out\u2014in a blended family, that\u2019s not always possible.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> When they\u2019ve spent a long weekend\u2014maybe, at their father\u2019s house\u2014they come home with behavioral issues sometimes. In the perfect world, you would be able to discuss that and parent the children properly; but in a perfect world, those are the things that probably led to your divorce in the first place; you know?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. We weren\u2019t the only ones that have a say in how the children were being raised. We had to negotiate that with the other household as well. When they\u2019re able to do things in the other home that we wouldn\u2019t necessarily allow in ours, it definitely creates a competing loyalty.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, July 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\n\n<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nThere are a number of challenges that blended families face when shared custody is a part of what the courts have ordered. We\u2019ll explore a bit of that today. Stay tuned.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us. You know, in the years that you and I have worked together with our colleague, Ron Deal, we\u2019ve known him to be passionate about seeing blended couples take a challenging situation and watch it become a triumph \/ a trophy of God\u2019s grace as God works in the middle of that relationship.\n\n<strong>Dennis<\/strong>: That\u2019s right. There are few things I\u2019ve ever seen Ron kind of come out of his seat about\u2014and it\u2019s something that I don\u2019t think, in almost 24 years of broadcasting, Bob, you and I have ever done a broadcast, talking about how the children of divorce get treated if there are blended families formed after the divorce is over.\n\n<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron is with us again today on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Ron, welcome back.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. It\u2019s always good to be here.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> For those who don\u2019t know Ron, he is the author of the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> and numerous other books about blended marriage \/ blended families. He speaks all around the country on this subject.\n\nIn fact, you are hosting an event in September\u2014September 29<sup>th<\/sup> and 30<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014in Colorado Springs. It\u2019s the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. We\u2019re doing this in conjunction with our friends at Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u2122<\/sup> is focused on helping the church to be relevant to the 40 percent of families in the United States that are blended families. This event \/ The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is a training event for lay ministry leaders, senior pastors, children\u2019s pastors\u2014anybody who wants to know anything about stepfamilies and how to minister to them.\n\n<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And we\u2019ve partnered with Focus on a number of issues over the years. A number of years ago, we partnered with them around the needs of orphans, foster care, and adoption. That has mushroomed into quite a ministry going forward. We\u2019re really hopeful that this partnership with Focus is going to give birth to a new movement within the church to address the needs of blended families.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely! Focus on the Family sees the need, and we\u2019re working together. They\u2019re hosting, this year, our event\u2014the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you can register if you\u2019re interested in attending. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and look for the link for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. To Dennis\u2019s point, as you and I have interacted over the issues facing couples in a stepfamily, you have always come back to what\u2019s going on in the hearts of kids who are in the midst of this kind of emotional turmoil because this is tough for kids to process.\n\n<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. And you know, there are a lot of blessings in a healthy, blended family for children--sometimes, I think we forget that\u2014but there are a lot of blessings for kids when they\u2019re in a home where they\u2019re loved. Somebody\u2014a step parent\u2014we\u2019ve talked about before how step parents choose to love a stepchild; and boy, what a blessing that is! They come on the scene and bring another adult into their life who really loves them, but there are some difficulties that kids sometimes face.\n\nWe have today with us, Jerry and Kate Angelo. Thank you for being with us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Thank you for letting us be here.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> On a previous broadcast, we talked with them about their ministry for couples; and they\u2019re a blended family.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019ve shared with us already this week that both of you were previously married. You each had two kids when you came to faith in Christ, met one another at church, and God led you to form a blended family and to marry one another.\n\n<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nYou weren\u2019t fully prepared for some of the challenges that that would bring\u2014especially challenges that your kids would be facing as they found themselves, now, in the maelstrom of a blended relationship.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. You know, we were in that honeymoon vision: \u201cWe can handle this. We\u2019re smart parents, and we know what we need to do in this situation.\u201d You know, we were Christ-followers and we knew that we could \u201c\u2026do all things in Christ, who strengthens us.\u201d There is a lot of truth in that verse; but I think, again, we might not have fully understood the project that we were undertaking.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, you described it earlier\u2014as this dating relationship that you two enjoyed was a lot of fun. The kids benefitted from that. They got a chance to kind of party with you as you went out on dates and to be a part of the excitement. But then, after you tie the knot, reality sets in. And you mentioned earlier, too, you were a bit na\u00efve about the costs that were going to come your way around that.\n\n<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nHow did you see your children begin to be impacted by the blending of your families together?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> I think, maybe, some of the hidden conflicts in the other homes, where we maybe had competitive-type scenarios happening. I think that a lot of them started to materialize, maybe, when we would have conversations with the children after they had conversations in the other home. In other situations, we would notice at the visitation exchanges. That\u2019s kind of when we started to get an inkling that things weren\u2019t always as rosy as we had hoped that they would be.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> And I think that something that you kind of can assume from a blended family is the difficulties of not having your children with you all the time. In our cases, both of our former spouses lived in different states\u2014in two different directions.\n\n<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nSo we had a lot of travel back and forth with the kids for exchanges. You can see where that would be difficult, and even holidays would be difficult.\n\nSomething that, maybe, doesn\u2019t get addressed that much is that, when they\u2019ve spent a long weekend, maybe, at their father\u2019s house, then they come home with behavioral issues sometimes. That just might be because the parenting styles are different.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> You know, the things that you wouldn\u2019t allow in your home are allowed in another home. In the perfect world, you would be able to discuss that and parent the children properly; but in a perfect world, those are the things that probably led to your divorce in the first place; you know?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. We weren\u2019t the only ones that had a say in how the children were being raised. We had to negotiate that with the other household as well. When they\u2019re able to do things in the other home that we wouldn\u2019t necessarily allow in ours, it definitely creates a competing loyalty. That\u2019s a challenge that\u2019s very difficult to address.\n\n<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so far, we\u2019ve been talking about some things that a lot of people listening right now can relate to\u2014a lot of single parents are listening, a lot of people in blended families, or a grandmother who has a son or a daughter who is now a step parent\u2014they can relate to what we\u2019ve talked about so far.\n\nBut there was something really unique, Jerry, going on between you and your ex-wife in a situation that involved your children. Do you mind telling us about that dynamic and what role it played in their development and well-being?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Sure. I had stayed in contact with the kids as much as I could, calling them every day and trying to be a present father, because I knew that was very important in their lives. I was also involved in their school, and talking with their teachers, and checking in on them, and making sure that things were going well.\n\nAt one point, I was contacted about an alleged incident of abuse that was happening in the other home.\n\n<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nI was just in utter shock that that was happening\u2014\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> \u2014and for my kids to be in another state and to hear of this from a stranger.\n\n.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You must have felt so helpless.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Absolutely; absolutely. You know, what do you do when they\u2019re not with you? So, it was an <em>extremely<\/em> difficult moment.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Kate, you\u2019re watching on. You\u2019re his partner\u2014what are you thinking?\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> Well, before Jerry and I got married, I spent a lot of time seeking the Lord and saying, you know, \u201cWould you give me a mother\u2019s heart for these two children?\u201d So it wasn\u2019t that they were my step-children \/ it was that they were my children too. As a step parent, you really don\u2019t have a voice.\n\n<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nSo for me, it was struggling to navigate the waters of feeling like these were my children, too, and wanting to do something about it; then, also, trying to contain the emotions. I mean, I don\u2019t know if you guys know this, but women are more emotional than men, generally. So when they hear of something like this, they can tend to explode. I really tried to refrain myself from doing just that.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, Ron, some of these issues that we are talking about here\u2014they can be downright evil.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You can be having children, who are children of divorce, and in blended families, who are being exposed to pornography\u2014\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re being exposed to other men coming into the home \/ acts of violence.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean, the issues are as many as can happen to children in any situation.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; and those are the ones that are external\u2014that we know something about sometimes. Then there are those subtle ones, where a parent pulls on a child\u2019s loyalty \/ makes them feel guilty for enjoying the people in the other home\u2014\n\n<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n\u2014makes them feel like they\u2019re \u201cless than\u201d because they like their step siblings; right? And then they have to carry that tension with them\u2014the child does\u2014carries that tension with them into their second home. It makes a difference in who they are there and whether they have positive interactions with people or not. It can be insidious in the life of a child.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, Ron, let\u2019s just talk about Jerry and what he was facing here with his children. What can you coach that parent, who is out of control and doesn\u2019t have authority?\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s across a state line, and they\u2019re seeing something happen to their son or daughter\u2014or maybe both\u2014where they want to do something?\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, let\u2019s talk about the scale for a minute because, for a lot of people, the first thing they\u2019re going to try to do is\u2014if there\u2019s a reasonable relationship with the other home, try to make contact with them and say: \u201cHey, this is something I heard \/ the school reported,\u201d or \u201cJohnny said such and such. Can you tell me anything about that?\u201d\n\n<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nIf that\u2019s a reasonable relationship, you might be able to get some information that\u2019s helpful. If it\u2019s an unreasonable relationship\u2014I think people know what I\u2019m talking about there \/ it\u2019s somebody who just doesn\u2019t come from the same Christ-centered worldview, and they\u2019re working on their own agenda \/ they are not interested in really what\u2019s helping the child\u2014you\u2019re going to get lied to, you\u2019re not going to get information, you\u2019re going to get the door shut in your face, and that\u2019s going nowhere.\n\nAt that point, you have to use the system; right? You have to use authorities, you have to use an attorney, and you have to use the courts to try to get information \/ to try to create change so that the child is not exposed to those situations again.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I would add that you need to involve the church\u2014\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014your own local church\u2014to be surrounded by wise counsel that may or may not be driven by the legal system.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There may be a way around this from an arbitration standpoint\u2014to handle things so that it doesn\u2019t get escalated by going to court.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And that\u2019s if people are willing to submit to that.\n\n<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nAnd you certainly need the church to support you, as an individual, and as a parent.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; yes.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You need somebody on your team, praying for you.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But hang on. Isn\u2019t it possible\u2014in a situation like this\u2014that a child is trying to manipulate the situation with false data because they want to be at Daddy\u2019s house or whatever else?\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. That just adds to the confusion. It is possible that that happens. I think our responsibility, as adults, is to err on the side of believing; you know? Let the facts bare out and prove that that was a false accusation. You don\u2019t just close a blind eye and go on \u201cas if\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think you believe them and move forward as best you can.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> Well, I wanted to say that, while you do want to get your church involved and asking for prayer and support, you also need to be <em>very<\/em> careful about who you talk to about the situation because the more people who are involved, the more different points of view that you have. What human\u2014parent or otherwise\u2014would see alleged abuse \/ or see abuse of a child and not just be outraged?\n\n<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> You want to be very careful about engaging a lot of other people, and just telling them your whole story, and giving them all the information. Potentially\u2014whether it\u2019s true, or not true, or whatever happens in the case\u2014you just want to be very careful about the type of people that you\u2019re asking to support you during those times.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> It\u2019s very important to seek good godly counsel.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Jerry, now, you pursued some legal avenues; correct?\u2014and hit some roadblocks.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. Not only was there one incident of abuse, there was also, a few years later, a second incident. Each time that that happened, it was like a total alienation of communication and no transfer of information. It was a black-out.\n\n<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And if I understand your story correctly, those two incidents \/ alleged incidents of abuse were with one child; and one of your other children was showing physical, emotional, and psychological signs of being in an environment where they were not able to grow; yes?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s correct. The other child\u2014his situation was manifesting into a physical impairment of his growth, to the point where he had lost about 10 inches of growth off of his life for that period of time.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait. You\u2019re saying that his physical growth was stunted because there was abuse going on?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That was the allegation; yes. As a matter of fact, he underwent multiple tests at a medical facility and was examined medically. They just could not explain any medical reason why he would not grow. They said that it must be psychogenic factors that were affecting him.\n\n<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Now, Bob\/Dennis, when a child is in an environment that is so oppressive that they\u2019re not even growing, I mean\u2014and that\u2019s what we can see on the outside. There are so many children in our world, who are in this environment where, emotionally, they\u2019re not growing; where psychologically, they\u2019re not growing; educationally, they\u2019re not growing; spiritually, they\u2019re not growing because one parent is playing games against the other parent \/ because one parent has an environment where they\u2019re not raising their child in a godly way\u2014it is stunting the child.\n\nI mean\u2014I\u2019ll tell you\u2014if there\u2019s something that gets me riled up, it\u2019s that! What\u2019s really difficult about this situation is\u2014here\u2019s Jerry, trying to be the responsible father \/ trying to do the right thing by his kids; and yet\u2014because they share custody \/ because there\u2019s game playing going on on the other side of the equation\u2014he\u2019s limited in what he can do.\n\n<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nBut what I know about you is that you didn\u2019t quit; right? You kept pursuing the situation and trying to help your children.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> We couldn\u2019t quit. There were times when I didn\u2019t know where I was going to get that money to pay that attorney because, you know, you have to do that. You have to have those resources; or there\u2019s nothing that you can do, seemingly.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And had you not kept fighting\u2014I mean, that\u2019s just the thing that I keep coming back to today. You know, we, as Christian, have got to fight for our kids\u2014we\u2019ve got to fight for our kids. In situations\u2014whether it\u2019s just sending them off to school each day; sending them off to be on the playground or in the neighborhood with other kids; or, in this case, it\u2019s sharing them between homes and there\u2019s something going on that\u2019s stifling who God has created them to be\u2014we\u2019ve got to be the ones who pursue, pursue, pursue.\n\n<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> And I think it\u2019s important just to say that we were fighting <em>for <\/em>the kids, not <em>against <\/em>the other parent.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s really important\u2014I appreciate you saying that. That\u2019s keeping your heart in the right place so you know what the focus is.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> And that\u2019s not easy.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No; it\u2019s not. Anytime you\u2019re paid evil\u2014to \u201crepay it with good,\u201d as Romans 12 says\u2014\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014is an incredibly difficult thing to do.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, Ron, I want you to comment on one other thing: \u201cWhat happens in a situation, where you go head-to-head with a former spouse that has deep pockets, and can stretch this thing out indefinitely, and play, really, hardball?\u2014and you\u2019re existing marriage \/ the blended marriage is really beginning to suffer?\u201d I mean, it could be at the point where\u2014well, comment on it if you would.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re bringing up a good point. Sometimes the challenges in the blended family are not so much about what\u2019s happening in your home\u2014it\u2019s about what\u2019s being brought into your home from the other home; right?\n\n<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nIt\u2019s the stress that\u2019s created by somebody else outside. That\u2019s a very real thing that couples have to deal with.\n\nI\u2019d love to say that every situation kind of has a victory story the way Jerry and Kate\u2019s does. I\u2019ve talked with too many people, through the years, to know that it doesn\u2019t always work out that way.\n\nBut one thing I do know is that God\u2019s people have to continue to rely on and trust in Him, and keep pressing for what\u2019s right \/ keep pushing for what should happen, and not quit. I just see so many people, in Jerry\u2019s situation, who quit \/ who just kind of throw up their hands and say: \u201cThe legal system\u2019s against us. We don\u2019t have the money that the other family has. You know what? It\u2019s just a whole lot easier if we just let it go.\u201d\n\nNo! This is a child!\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And here\u2019s where I want to go back and underline\u2014double underline\u2014about seeking wise counsel \/ godly counsel\u2014not the counsel of Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> or going on Twitter<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and asking for tweets in response to how to handle this.\n\n<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nNo; huddle up with people, who\u2019ve got a long history of wisdom and track record of knowing what to say according to the Bible, and listen carefully to them. Then, commit it to prayer, and be very careful how you walk \/ being wise about how you walk.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If I could add one thing to people, who are in the church today, it would be: \u201cPlease receive the stories from Jerrys and Kates of the world, and don\u2019t judge them.\u201d I was talking with a couple, just this week; and their story is kind of similar to theirs. When they went to their church for help, what they got was: \u201cWell, you kind of got yourself into this situation. So\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, wow!\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And all that does is just\u2014it totally decompresses somebody \/ it just deflates them\u2014and now, the church is not an asset in their life and God becomes suspect. No! We need to receive, we need to support, we need to get behind, and we need to help!\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are a lot of broken people in the church.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As in, <em>all<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> All! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And Ron, what you are seeking to do, through FamilyLife Blended, is to help people understand that God is in the business of redemption \/ that He brings beauty out of broken things with your writing ministry, with the speaking that you do, with the upcoming Summit on Stepfamily Ministry that\u2019s happening in September in Colorado Springs, where we\u2019re helping to equip people to work in local churches with blended and stepfamilies. This is really what your heartbeat\u2019s all about.\n\nI want to encourage our listeners: \u201cIf you\u2019re in a blended situation and you\u2019ve not yet read Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and you can order a copy from us online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and you can order a copy of Ron\u2019s book over the phone.\u201d\n\nIf you\u2019d like more information about the upcoming Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, it\u2019s September 29<sup>th<\/sup> and 30<sup>th<\/sup> in Colorado Springs.\n\n<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe\u2019re going to be partnering together with our friends at Focus on the Family for this fourth annual event. I hope many of you will come join us and be a part of the Summit\u2014get more information, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014or call, toll-free, at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, I don\u2019t know if you have yet attended a wedding this summer. We\u2019ve gotten lots of invitations and have been to a few weddings of friends. We\u2019ve still got some weddings that are coming up later on this summer. We think weddings are wonderful, but we think anniversaries are even more wonderful because those anniversaries are markers \/ they\u2019re milestones of perseverance, and of love, and of faithfulness. And we want to celebrate anniversaries. We\u2019re the Proud Sponsor of Anniversaries\u2122 because God has called us to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families over the years.\n\n<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nFor 40 years, we\u2019ve been helping more couples have more anniversaries. We just want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who are a part of helping to make all of that happen. As you help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>you are partnering with us in all that we do, here at FamilyLife; and we\u2019re grateful for your partnership.\n\nYou can make a donation today when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Or you can mail your donation to us. I\u2019ll give you the address in just a minute. Let me just mention that here, during the summer, is a particularly challenging time for ministries like ours because we often see a decline in the support that\u2019s coming in. So, if you\u2019re able to help with a donation today, it would be very much appreciated. Again, you can do it online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY; or mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\n<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about how you can be used by God in your neighborhood, in your community, in your church to be part of helping couples go the distance in marriage \/ helping them thrive in their family. Our friends, Dave and Ann Wilson, have some thoughts on that; and we\u2019ll hear from them tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. Join us back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\n\nHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. 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has its challenges. That's what Jerry and Kate Angelo found out when they married and became a blended\u00a0family of six.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-07-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s important for moms and dads to be on the same page when it comes to parenting their children; but as Kate and Jerry Angelo point out\u2014in a blended family, that\u2019s not always possible.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> When they\u2019ve spent a long weekend\u2014maybe, at their father\u2019s house\u2014they come home with behavioral issues sometimes. In the perfect world, you would be able to discuss that and parent the children properly; but in a perfect world, those are the things that probably led to your divorce in the first place; you know?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. We weren\u2019t the only ones that have a say in how the children were being raised. We had to negotiate that with the other household as well. When they\u2019re able to do things in the other home that we wouldn\u2019t necessarily allow in ours, it definitely creates a competing loyalty.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, July 6<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.\n\n<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nThere are a number of challenges that blended families face when shared custody is a part of what the courts have ordered. We\u2019ll explore a bit of that today. Stay tuned.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us. You know, in the years that you and I have worked together with our colleague, Ron Deal, we\u2019ve known him to be passionate about seeing blended couples take a challenging situation and watch it become a triumph \/ a trophy of God\u2019s grace as God works in the middle of that relationship.\n\n<strong>Dennis<\/strong>: That\u2019s right. There are few things I\u2019ve ever seen Ron kind of come out of his seat about\u2014and it\u2019s something that I don\u2019t think, in almost 24 years of broadcasting, Bob, you and I have ever done a broadcast, talking about how the children of divorce get treated if there are blended families formed after the divorce is over.\n\n<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron is with us again today on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Ron, welcome back.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. It\u2019s always good to be here.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> For those who don\u2019t know Ron, he is the author of the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily,<\/em> and numerous other books about blended marriage \/ blended families. He speaks all around the country on this subject.\n\nIn fact, you are hosting an event in September\u2014September 29<sup>th<\/sup> and 30<sup>th<\/sup>\u2014in Colorado Springs. It\u2019s the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<sup>\u2122<\/sup>. We\u2019re doing this in conjunction with our friends at Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> FamilyLife Blended<sup>\u2122<\/sup> is focused on helping the church to be relevant to the 40 percent of families in the United States that are blended families. This event \/ The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is a training event for lay ministry leaders, senior pastors, children\u2019s pastors\u2014anybody who wants to know anything about stepfamilies and how to minister to them.\n\n<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And we\u2019ve partnered with Focus on a number of issues over the years. A number of years ago, we partnered with them around the needs of orphans, foster care, and adoption. That has mushroomed into quite a ministry going forward. We\u2019re really hopeful that this partnership with Focus is going to give birth to a new movement within the church to address the needs of blended families.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely! Focus on the Family sees the need, and we\u2019re working together. They\u2019re hosting, this year, our event\u2014the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And you can register if you\u2019re interested in attending. Go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and look for the link for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. To Dennis\u2019s point, as you and I have interacted over the issues facing couples in a stepfamily, you have always come back to what\u2019s going on in the hearts of kids who are in the midst of this kind of emotional turmoil because this is tough for kids to process.\n\n<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. And you know, there are a lot of blessings in a healthy, blended family for children--sometimes, I think we forget that\u2014but there are a lot of blessings for kids when they\u2019re in a home where they\u2019re loved. Somebody\u2014a step parent\u2014we\u2019ve talked about before how step parents choose to love a stepchild; and boy, what a blessing that is! They come on the scene and bring another adult into their life who really loves them, but there are some difficulties that kids sometimes face.\n\nWe have today with us, Jerry and Kate Angelo. Thank you for being with us on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\n<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Thank you for letting us be here.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> On a previous broadcast, we talked with them about their ministry for couples; and they\u2019re a blended family.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019ve shared with us already this week that both of you were previously married. You each had two kids when you came to faith in Christ, met one another at church, and God led you to form a blended family and to marry one another.\n\n<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nYou weren\u2019t fully prepared for some of the challenges that that would bring\u2014especially challenges that your kids would be facing as they found themselves, now, in the maelstrom of a blended relationship.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. You know, we were in that honeymoon vision: \u201cWe can handle this. We\u2019re smart parents, and we know what we need to do in this situation.\u201d You know, we were Christ-followers and we knew that we could \u201c\u2026do all things in Christ, who strengthens us.\u201d There is a lot of truth in that verse; but I think, again, we might not have fully understood the project that we were undertaking.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, you described it earlier\u2014as this dating relationship that you two enjoyed was a lot of fun. The kids benefitted from that. They got a chance to kind of party with you as you went out on dates and to be a part of the excitement. But then, after you tie the knot, reality sets in. And you mentioned earlier, too, you were a bit na\u00efve about the costs that were going to come your way around that.\n\n<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nHow did you see your children begin to be impacted by the blending of your families together?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> I think, maybe, some of the hidden conflicts in the other homes, where we maybe had competitive-type scenarios happening. I think that a lot of them started to materialize, maybe, when we would have conversations with the children after they had conversations in the other home. In other situations, we would notice at the visitation exchanges. That\u2019s kind of when we started to get an inkling that things weren\u2019t always as rosy as we had hoped that they would be.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> And I think that something that you kind of can assume from a blended family is the difficulties of not having your children with you all the time. In our cases, both of our former spouses lived in different states\u2014in two different directions.\n\n<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nSo we had a lot of travel back and forth with the kids for exchanges. You can see where that would be difficult, and even holidays would be difficult.\n\nSomething that, maybe, doesn\u2019t get addressed that much is that, when they\u2019ve spent a long weekend, maybe, at their father\u2019s house, then they come home with behavioral issues sometimes. That just might be because the parenting styles are different.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> You know, the things that you wouldn\u2019t allow in your home are allowed in another home. In the perfect world, you would be able to discuss that and parent the children properly; but in a perfect world, those are the things that probably led to your divorce in the first place; you know?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. We weren\u2019t the only ones that had a say in how the children were being raised. We had to negotiate that with the other household as well. When they\u2019re able to do things in the other home that we wouldn\u2019t necessarily allow in ours, it definitely creates a competing loyalty. That\u2019s a challenge that\u2019s very difficult to address.\n\n<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay; so far, we\u2019ve been talking about some things that a lot of people listening right now can relate to\u2014a lot of single parents are listening, a lot of people in blended families, or a grandmother who has a son or a daughter who is now a step parent\u2014they can relate to what we\u2019ve talked about so far.\n\nBut there was something really unique, Jerry, going on between you and your ex-wife in a situation that involved your children. Do you mind telling us about that dynamic and what role it played in their development and well-being?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Sure. I had stayed in contact with the kids as much as I could, calling them every day and trying to be a present father, because I knew that was very important in their lives. I was also involved in their school, and talking with their teachers, and checking in on them, and making sure that things were going well.\n\nAt one point, I was contacted about an alleged incident of abuse that was happening in the other home.\n\n<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nI was just in utter shock that that was happening\u2014\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> \u2014and for my kids to be in another state and to hear of this from a stranger.\n\n.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You must have felt so helpless.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Absolutely; absolutely. You know, what do you do when they\u2019re not with you? So, it was an <em>extremely<\/em> difficult moment.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Kate, you\u2019re watching on. You\u2019re his partner\u2014what are you thinking?\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> Well, before Jerry and I got married, I spent a lot of time seeking the Lord and saying, you know, \u201cWould you give me a mother\u2019s heart for these two children?\u201d So it wasn\u2019t that they were my step-children \/ it was that they were my children too. As a step parent, you really don\u2019t have a voice.\n\n<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nSo for me, it was struggling to navigate the waters of feeling like these were my children, too, and wanting to do something about it; then, also, trying to contain the emotions. I mean, I don\u2019t know if you guys know this, but women are more emotional than men, generally. So when they hear of something like this, they can tend to explode. I really tried to refrain myself from doing just that.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And, Ron, some of these issues that we are talking about here\u2014they can be downright evil.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You can be having children, who are children of divorce, and in blended families, who are being exposed to pornography\u2014\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014they\u2019re being exposed to other men coming into the home \/ acts of violence.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I mean, the issues are as many as can happen to children in any situation.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; and those are the ones that are external\u2014that we know something about sometimes. Then there are those subtle ones, where a parent pulls on a child\u2019s loyalty \/ makes them feel guilty for enjoying the people in the other home\u2014\n\n<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n\u2014makes them feel like they\u2019re \u201cless than\u201d because they like their step siblings; right? And then they have to carry that tension with them\u2014the child does\u2014carries that tension with them into their second home. It makes a difference in who they are there and whether they have positive interactions with people or not. It can be insidious in the life of a child.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, Ron, let\u2019s just talk about Jerry and what he was facing here with his children. What can you coach that parent, who is out of control and doesn\u2019t have authority?\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s across a state line, and they\u2019re seeing something happen to their son or daughter\u2014or maybe both\u2014where they want to do something?\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, let\u2019s talk about the scale for a minute because, for a lot of people, the first thing they\u2019re going to try to do is\u2014if there\u2019s a reasonable relationship with the other home, try to make contact with them and say: \u201cHey, this is something I heard \/ the school reported,\u201d or \u201cJohnny said such and such. Can you tell me anything about that?\u201d\n\n<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nIf that\u2019s a reasonable relationship, you might be able to get some information that\u2019s helpful. If it\u2019s an unreasonable relationship\u2014I think people know what I\u2019m talking about there \/ it\u2019s somebody who just doesn\u2019t come from the same Christ-centered worldview, and they\u2019re working on their own agenda \/ they are not interested in really what\u2019s helping the child\u2014you\u2019re going to get lied to, you\u2019re not going to get information, you\u2019re going to get the door shut in your face, and that\u2019s going nowhere.\n\nAt that point, you have to use the system; right? You have to use authorities, you have to use an attorney, and you have to use the courts to try to get information \/ to try to create change so that the child is not exposed to those situations again.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I would add that you need to involve the church\u2014\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014your own local church\u2014to be surrounded by wise counsel that may or may not be driven by the legal system.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right; right.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There may be a way around this from an arbitration standpoint\u2014to handle things so that it doesn\u2019t get escalated by going to court.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And that\u2019s if people are willing to submit to that.\n\n<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nAnd you certainly need the church to support you, as an individual, and as a parent.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; yes.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You need somebody on your team, praying for you.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But hang on. Isn\u2019t it possible\u2014in a situation like this\u2014that a child is trying to manipulate the situation with false data because they want to be at Daddy\u2019s house or whatever else?\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. That just adds to the confusion. It is possible that that happens. I think our responsibility, as adults, is to err on the side of believing; you know? Let the facts bare out and prove that that was a false accusation. You don\u2019t just close a blind eye and go on \u201cas if\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think you believe them and move forward as best you can.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> Well, I wanted to say that, while you do want to get your church involved and asking for prayer and support, you also need to be <em>very<\/em> careful about who you talk to about the situation because the more people who are involved, the more different points of view that you have. What human\u2014parent or otherwise\u2014would see alleged abuse \/ or see abuse of a child and not just be outraged?\n\n<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> You want to be very careful about engaging a lot of other people, and just telling them your whole story, and giving them all the information. Potentially\u2014whether it\u2019s true, or not true, or whatever happens in the case\u2014you just want to be very careful about the type of people that you\u2019re asking to support you during those times.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> It\u2019s very important to seek good godly counsel.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Jerry, now, you pursued some legal avenues; correct?\u2014and hit some roadblocks.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. Not only was there one incident of abuse, there was also, a few years later, a second incident. Each time that that happened, it was like a total alienation of communication and no transfer of information. It was a black-out.\n\n<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And if I understand your story correctly, those two incidents \/ alleged incidents of abuse were with one child; and one of your other children was showing physical, emotional, and psychological signs of being in an environment where they were not able to grow; yes?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That\u2019s correct. The other child\u2014his situation was manifesting into a physical impairment of his growth, to the point where he had lost about 10 inches of growth off of his life for that period of time.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wait. You\u2019re saying that his physical growth was stunted because there was abuse going on?\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> That was the allegation; yes. As a matter of fact, he underwent multiple tests at a medical facility and was examined medically. They just could not explain any medical reason why he would not grow. They said that it must be psychogenic factors that were affecting him.\n\n<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Now, Bob\/Dennis, when a child is in an environment that is so oppressive that they\u2019re not even growing, I mean\u2014and that\u2019s what we can see on the outside. There are so many children in our world, who are in this environment where, emotionally, they\u2019re not growing; where psychologically, they\u2019re not growing; educationally, they\u2019re not growing; spiritually, they\u2019re not growing because one parent is playing games against the other parent \/ because one parent has an environment where they\u2019re not raising their child in a godly way\u2014it is stunting the child.\n\nI mean\u2014I\u2019ll tell you\u2014if there\u2019s something that gets me riled up, it\u2019s that! What\u2019s really difficult about this situation is\u2014here\u2019s Jerry, trying to be the responsible father \/ trying to do the right thing by his kids; and yet\u2014because they share custody \/ because there\u2019s game playing going on on the other side of the equation\u2014he\u2019s limited in what he can do.\n\n<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nBut what I know about you is that you didn\u2019t quit; right? You kept pursuing the situation and trying to help your children.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> We couldn\u2019t quit. There were times when I didn\u2019t know where I was going to get that money to pay that attorney because, you know, you have to do that. You have to have those resources; or there\u2019s nothing that you can do, seemingly.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And had you not kept fighting\u2014I mean, that\u2019s just the thing that I keep coming back to today. You know, we, as Christian, have got to fight for our kids\u2014we\u2019ve got to fight for our kids. In situations\u2014whether it\u2019s just sending them off to school each day; sending them off to be on the playground or in the neighborhood with other kids; or, in this case, it\u2019s sharing them between homes and there\u2019s something going on that\u2019s stifling who God has created them to be\u2014we\u2019ve got to be the ones who pursue, pursue, pursue.\n\n<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Kate:<\/strong> And I think it\u2019s important just to say that we were fighting <em>for <\/em>the kids, not <em>against <\/em>the other parent.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s really important\u2014I appreciate you saying that. That\u2019s keeping your heart in the right place so you know what the focus is.\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> And that\u2019s not easy.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> No; it\u2019s not. Anytime you\u2019re paid evil\u2014to \u201crepay it with good,\u201d as Romans 12 says\u2014\n\n<strong>Jerry:<\/strong> Exactly.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014is an incredibly difficult thing to do.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So, Ron, I want you to comment on one other thing: \u201cWhat happens in a situation, where you go head-to-head with a former spouse that has deep pockets, and can stretch this thing out indefinitely, and play, really, hardball?\u2014and you\u2019re existing marriage \/ the blended marriage is really beginning to suffer?\u201d I mean, it could be at the point where\u2014well, comment on it if you would.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re bringing up a good point. Sometimes the challenges in the blended family are not so much about what\u2019s happening in your home\u2014it\u2019s about what\u2019s being brought into your home from the other home; right?\n\n<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nIt\u2019s the stress that\u2019s created by somebody else outside. That\u2019s a very real thing that couples have to deal with.\n\nI\u2019d love to say that every situation kind of has a victory story the way Jerry and Kate\u2019s does. I\u2019ve talked with too many people, through the years, to know that it doesn\u2019t always work out that way.\n\nBut one thing I do know is that God\u2019s people have to continue to rely on and trust in Him, and keep pressing for what\u2019s right \/ keep pushing for what should happen, and not quit. I just see so many people, in Jerry\u2019s situation, who quit \/ who just kind of throw up their hands and say: \u201cThe legal system\u2019s against us. We don\u2019t have the money that the other family has. You know what? It\u2019s just a whole lot easier if we just let it go.\u201d\n\nNo! This is a child!\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And here\u2019s where I want to go back and underline\u2014double underline\u2014about seeking wise counsel \/ godly counsel\u2014not the counsel of Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> or going on Twitter<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and asking for tweets in response to how to handle this.\n\n<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nNo; huddle up with people, who\u2019ve got a long history of wisdom and track record of knowing what to say according to the Bible, and listen carefully to them. Then, commit it to prayer, and be very careful how you walk \/ being wise about how you walk.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> If I could add one thing to people, who are in the church today, it would be: \u201cPlease receive the stories from Jerrys and Kates of the world, and don\u2019t judge them.\u201d I was talking with a couple, just this week; and their story is kind of similar to theirs. When they went to their church for help, what they got was: \u201cWell, you kind of got yourself into this situation. So\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, wow!\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And all that does is just\u2014it totally decompresses somebody \/ it just deflates them\u2014and now, the church is not an asset in their life and God becomes suspect. No! We need to receive, we need to support, we need to get behind, and we need to help!\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are a lot of broken people in the church.\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> As in, <em>all<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Ron:<\/strong> All! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And Ron, what you are seeking to do, through FamilyLife Blended, is to help people understand that God is in the business of redemption \/ that He brings beauty out of broken things with your writing ministry, with the speaking that you do, with the upcoming Summit on Stepfamily Ministry that\u2019s happening in September in Colorado Springs, where we\u2019re helping to equip people to work in local churches with blended and stepfamilies. This is really what your heartbeat\u2019s all about.\n\nI want to encourage our listeners: \u201cIf you\u2019re in a blended situation and you\u2019ve not yet read Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and you can order a copy from us online. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and you can order a copy of Ron\u2019s book over the phone.\u201d\n\nIf you\u2019d like more information about the upcoming Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, it\u2019s September 29<sup>th<\/sup> and 30<sup>th<\/sup> in Colorado Springs.\n\n<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe\u2019re going to be partnering together with our friends at Focus on the Family for this fourth annual event. I hope many of you will come join us and be a part of the Summit\u2014get more information, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014or call, toll-free, at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, I don\u2019t know if you have yet attended a wedding this summer. We\u2019ve gotten lots of invitations and have been to a few weddings of friends. We\u2019ve still got some weddings that are coming up later on this summer. We think weddings are wonderful, but we think anniversaries are even more wonderful because those anniversaries are markers \/ they\u2019re milestones of perseverance, and of love, and of faithfulness. And we want to celebrate anniversaries. We\u2019re the Proud Sponsor of Anniversaries\u2122 because God has called us to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families over the years.\n\n<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nFor 40 years, we\u2019ve been helping more couples have more anniversaries. We just want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who are a part of helping to make all of that happen. As you help support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today, <\/em>you are partnering with us in all that we do, here at FamilyLife; and we\u2019re grateful for your partnership.\n\nYou can make a donation today when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Or you can mail your donation to us. I\u2019ll give you the address in just a minute. Let me just mention that here, during the summer, is a particularly challenging time for ministries like ours because we often see a decline in the support that\u2019s coming in. So, if you\u2019re able to help with a donation today, it would be very much appreciated. Again, you can do it online at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY; or mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223.\n\n<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about how you can be used by God in your neighborhood, in your community, in your church to be part of helping couples go the distance in marriage \/ helping them thrive in their family. Our friends, Dave and Ann Wilson, have some thoughts on that; and we\u2019ll hear from them tomorrow. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. Join us back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.\n\nHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. 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