{"id":304052,"date":"2016-06-22T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-06-22T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/great-expectations\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T23:30:20","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T03:30:20","slug":"great-expectations","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/great-expectations\/","title":{"rendered":"Great Expectations"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: Brian and Jen Goins | Series: Marriage Expectations Vs. Reality | We all enter marriage with great expectations, especially about sex. Author Brian Goins and his wife, Jen, reflect on what their &#8220;sexpectations&#8221; were before and after getting married. Together they remind listeners of God&#8217;s expecations for sex: procreation, pleasure, and proclamation of the gospel, and dive into the Song of Solomon to find out what a woman needs to feel cherished. Recorded live on the Love Like You Mean It\u00ae marriage cruise.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We all enter marriage with great expectations, especially about sex. Author Brian Goins and his wife, Jen, reflect on what their &#8220;sexpectations&#8221; were before and after getting married.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":291355,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-06-22.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.45M","filesize_raw":"25639490","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10447,2088],"tags":[6358,6022,6673,6672,4004,4115],"podcast_series":[8149],"cwp_profile":[9424,3048],"series":[2101,2992],"class_list":["post-304052","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-real-familylife","category-romance-and-sex","tag-dennis-rainey","tag-marriage-expectations","tag-radio-program","tag-real-familylife","tag-romance-and-sex","tag-sexual-intimacy","podcast_series-marriage-expectations-vs-reality","cwp_profile-brian-and-jen-goins","cwp_profile-dennis-rainey","series-familylife-today","series-real-familylife"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/08\/RealFamilyLife_2_508x508Banner.png?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/304052\/great-expectations","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/304052\/great-expectations","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"RJxbYomIu6\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/great-expectations\/\">Great Expectations<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/great-expectations\/embed\/#?secret=RJxbYomIu6\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Great Expectations&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"RJxbYomIu6\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/08\/RealFamilyLife_2_508x508Banner.png",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"We all enter marriage with great expectations, especially about sex. Author Brian Goins and his wife, Jen, reflect on what their \"sexpectations\" were before and after getting married.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-06-22.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is going to sound crazy to a lot of people in our culture today, but intimacy was created by God; and, by His design, it\u2019s intended only for husbands and wives to enjoy in a marriage relationship. Here\u2019s Brian Goins.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Think about any game that you play\u2014if you play basketball \/ if you play board games\u2014what\u2019s the first thing that you do? You look at the rules; right? I mean, even Candy Land<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> has four pages of rules! I mean\u2014Candy Land!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the same way, when God invented sex\u2014this unbelievable invention\u2014He had one rule and one rule only: \u201cKeep it in marriage.\u201d When you keep it in marriage, you have a shot at real pleasure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, June 2<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. One of the keys to enjoying intimacy in marriage is understanding what God had in mind for intimacy in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ll explore that and other thoughts about marital intimacy today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Wednesday edition. We\u2019re going to have an opportunity to get some schooling today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re being very diplomatic about a very delicate subject that we\u2019re going to talk about, here on <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>We\u2019re going to talk about intimacy. And one of the breakout sessions that we had on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> cruise, back last Valentine\u2019s, with Brian and Jen Goins.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I was not in this session when it happened.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I snuck in!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Did you really?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I did! And, at one point, Brian said, \u201cNow, Dennis is not in here; is he?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Was he a little worried? [Laughter] He might be pushing the envelope a little bit?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> All I know is\u2014I walked by and the windows were steaming. [Laughter] So it was-- something was happening in there. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis was one of the breakout sessions that we had back in February on the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. I did want to let our listeners know that a couple things are happening. First of all, we\u2019re getting near sold out for next year\u2019s cruise. I think we\u2019re between 75-80 percent this week. I think it\u2019s next week that the rates go up on the cabins. So we wanted to let listeners know that: \u201cIf you want to join us, now is the time to get in touch. Don\u2019t wait until August and call and say, \u2018Do you still have space?\u2019 because we probably won\u2019t at that point.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Paul David Tripp joins us on the cruise, as well as\u2014buckle your seatbelts\u2014Michael, Jr. [Laughter] If you have not been in a performance with this guy, he has them lined up almost an hour in advance of where he performs his comic routine. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Jeremy Camp is going to be with us; Kevin DeYoung; H.B. Charles\u2014got a great lineup for the cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, you can find out more about it when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link for the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, you left out someone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Who did I leave out?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Barbara\u2014and me! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s true! You\u2019ll be on it \/ I\u2019ll be on it. In fact, it\u2019s been on our calendar for a year. We\u2019re looking forward to being on the cruise. Part of the reason we\u2019re looking forward to it is because we always benefit from the messages we hear when we are onboard\u2014messages like the message you\u2019re going to hear today from Brian and Jen Goins.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Brian speaks at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> <sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways, along with his wife Jen. They\u2019ve done that for over a decade. He recently joined the FamilyLife team here, full-time, and is the Senior Creative Director, here at FamilyLife. He\u2019s the author of <em>Playing Hurt: A Guy\u2019s Strategy for a Winning Marriage.<\/em> I just have to say\u2014you\u2019re going to end up with a better perspective of the area of intimacy in marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re going to rightly calibrate expectations or, maybe better said, have a better calibration of your expectations, going forward. You\u2019re going to enjoy today\u2019s broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> We have this experience in life\u2014especially in marriage\u2014where you experience this difference between reality and expectation. [Laughter] Now, the closer you get expectations to reality, the less what you have?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> Frustration.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes, the less frustration that you have. Now, the farther that you get expectations from reality, what? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience:<\/strong> The more!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> The more frustration!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> You\u2019re catching on; exactly. So a sexpectation often means that we\u2019re having an expectation that\u2019s not coming anywhere close to reality. When you feel like you have all expectations and no reality, it\u2019s a frustrating place to be; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe live in a culture today where I know that we have far more expectations about sex than we do conversations about sex. So today, what Jen and I are going to do is\u2014we\u2019re going to talk about what happens when you <em>feel<\/em> this frustration \/ you feel this disappointment between your sexpectations and your reality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s where we\u2019re headed today. We want to have a real conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen I came of age, I began to be remotely interested in sex. My expectations were not being set by my parents or by the church. In fact, I remember my dad was giving me <em>the<\/em> <em>talk<\/em>, and I wanted to bolt out of the room; but he was a smart guy! We were going down the road at about 70 miles per hour so I could not get out of the door. So most of my sexpectations were set by friends, by music, and by movies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember\u2014I distinctly remember\u2014where I was when I got my first sexpectation. I was in a theater. [Laughter] I was watching Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis. I learned a really valuable lesson about sex that day\u2014that all I needed to do was go put on a leather bomber jacket and go lip-sync <em>You\u2019ve Lost that Lovin\u2019 Feeling<\/em>.\u00a0 So I had this sexpectation. I was hearing music from a group\u2014I think was Huey Lewis and the News\u2014remember those guys?\u2014where they sang about \u201chot lovin\u2019 every night.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen: <\/strong>I grew up watching romantic Disney<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> movies, where the prince and the princess are so enthralled with each other; and there\u2019s this great romantic story that happens. I grew up listening to songs like: \u201cYou\u2019re the inspiration. You bring feeling and meaning to my life. You\u2019re the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me sayin\u2019, \u2018All I need is you. You\u2019re my heart; you\u2019re my soul; you\u2019re my inspiration\u2019.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs I listened to that song, maybe 700\/800 times, on my parents\u2019 big, tall, tower stereo, my dream was that someone would say that to me someday. That my idea of sexual intimacy and romance was that someone would always be saying that to me: \u201cYou\u2019re my inspiration. All I need is to have you near me. You\u2019re my heart; you\u2019re my soul; you\u2019re my everything; you\u2019re my inspiration.\u201d So those were my expectations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes; so if I just sing those words by Chicago?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> No; it\u2019s not going to work. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> We have these feelings; right? And these feelings often collide \/ these sexpectations collide, and what happens? What do we do when we\u2019re feeling that sense of frustration and disappointment? One thing that we often don\u2019t do is ask the question of the Guy who created sex. God created this idea of sex\u2014He knows best how it\u2019s to work. We never sit back and go, \u201cWhat did You want from this thing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe know that God really had three big reasons. Procreation: Which you see is the first commandment to \u201cBe fruitful and multiply.\u201d He says that over and over again in the book of Genesis\u2014in the first two chapters. So we know it\u2019s for procreation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also know that it\u2019s for pleasure or recreation. And let\u2019s just be honest! Once you procreate, it kind of limits your recreate. [Laughter] I don\u2019t know about you\u2014if you\u2019ve had that experience; I know we\u2019ve had that experience. They say the average couple makes love 2.4 times per week. I always wondered, \u201cWhat\u2019s the .4? I mean, what\u2019s up with that?!\u201d [Laughter] Until you have kids and you hear this [knocking sound]. There\u2019s your .4! [Laughter] That works.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, granted, if you come into a relationship \/ marriage and you want to have kids\u2014and you have this sexpectation that you\u2019re going to have kids\u2014and you don\u2019t \/ your reality is that you don\u2019t; what\u2019s in between? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> Frustration.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Frustration \/ disappointment. And if you stay there\u2014you think, \u201cWell, God did not give us that,\u201d and we don\u2019t think bigger than that\u2014that maybe what He\u2019s talking about is that we might procreate God\u2019s name and God\u2019s fame to the next generation. Even if you don\u2019t have kids, as painful that is\u2014we live in a fallen world, and He doesn\u2019t guarantee it\u2014it doesn\u2019t mean that we stop procreating His name and His fame to the next generation, whether that\u2019s in fostering, whether that\u2019s in adopting, whether that\u2019s in ministering to kids in your neighborhood.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo if that, for you, has been a hard frustration, then I would just say: \u201cGo back to the intentions of God\u2019s heart: \u2018How can I love the things that God loves?\u2019 To love His kids\u2014His orphans \/ the foster kids\u2014and to build into them. And maybe you\u2019ll find that expectation coming back to reality.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, secondly, God\u2019s sexpectation was for pleasure. Pleasure was designed to be exclusive. It was designed to be in the context of the covenant of marriage. You know, in Genesis 2:23, He talks about how a man and woman shall become one: \u201cThey will leave their parents. They will cleave to one another, and they will become\u201d\u2014what?\u2014\u201cone flesh.\u201d They will leave, they will cleave, and they will weave.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, here\u2019s what happens in our culture\u2014we get it all backwards \/ we get it all wonky. What do we do? We start the weaving first\u2014we become one flesh. We cleave to our expectations, and then we leave our options open. If things don\u2019t seem to work out and if I\u2019m finding that I\u2019m not really bonding with this person\u2014you know, it is intimacy first \/ love second.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s not the way God designed us to be. He designed us to leave our single life \/ our single world; cleave to our spouse \/ to one another, leaving all those things behind; and then, we get to experience the pleasure that God intended of becoming one flesh.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI recognize that in a room this size that a lot of us probably went the other way around; right? We weave first, then we cleaved; and hopefully, we won\u2019t leave. It doesn\u2019t mean that you can\u2019t redeem that or restore that\u2014God is a God of second chances, and He\u2019ll do that; but it brings us back to saying that in the context of marriage is where pleasure is going to be found.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo am I leaving all those other options off the table? Am I seeing my spouse as the one place where God intended for this pleasure to be? And it\u2019s not because God\u2019s the fun police\u2014it\u2019s not\u2014I mean, He invented sex! He\u2019s fighting for your joy! He wants you to experience the pleasure that He intended for sex. He designed us for that. But if we don\u2019t operate within His context, we\u2019re going to find that our pleasure is going to be a law of diminishing returns. Every time you go outside the walls of marriage, even though it might seem fun for a second, you\u2019ll discover, really quickly, that that pleasure was pointless. You\u2019re going to be looking for that because what you long for really isn\u2019t sex\u2014what you long for is intimacy in a covenant relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThink about any game that you play\u2014any game that you play. If you play basketball \/ if you play a board game\u2014what\u2019s the first thing that you do? You look at the rules; right? I mean, even Candy Land has four pages of rules! I mean\u2014Candy Land!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod invented sex for our pleasure. Why do you look at the rules first? Because you don\u2019t want anybody\u2014it doesn\u2019t matter what game it is\u2014like basketball \/ you don\u2019t want anyone that shoots from half-court to go, \u201cThat\u2019s a four-pointer! That\u2019s four points!\u201d \u201cNo, it\u2019s not! It\u2019s three points!\u201d \u201cNope, I just called it\u2014four points!\u201d You don\u2019t change the rules in the middle of the game because it limits your pleasure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the same way, God\u2014when He invented sex\u2014you think about it\u2014He invented this thing called sex \/ this unbelievable invention\u2014He had one rule and one rule only: \u201cKeep it in marriage.\u201d When you keep it in marriage, you have a shot at real pleasure. We see this celebration for mutual pleasure in the Book of Song of Solomon; don\u2019t we? If you have your Bibles, you can go ahead and turn there. We\u2019re going to spend a little bit of time in Song of Solomon.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know that God cares a lot about sex and that He\u2019s fighting for our joy because, when you think about the Bible, it\u2019s 66 books; right? And there\u2019s a lot that God says about heaven and hell, but there\u2019s not one single book devoted to the topic of heaven and hell. There\u2019s a lot that God says about prayer. There\u2019s a lot that God says about finances. In fact, He says more about finances than about heaven and hell combined. But there\u2019s not one book devoted to the topic of finances. Numbers is not a book about finances. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut in 66, he\u2019s got one book devoted to the topic of sex. In fact, the Jewish kids were not allowed to read it\u2014the boys were not allowed to read it until they were 13 because, back in the day, that was when you were up to marrying age. Can you believe that? I\u2019m looking at my 13-year-old\u2014\u201cThere\u2019s no way!\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first passage we\u2019re going to look at is Song of Solomon 7:1-9. It says: \u201cHow beautiful are your feet in sandals, oh prince\u2019s daughter. The curves of your hips are like jewels; the work of the hands of an artist. Your navel is like a round goblet, which never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is a like a heap of wheat, fenced about with lilies.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIncidentally, there are some Scriptures that aren\u2019t good to read to your spouse. [Laughter] I would just maybe recommend staying away from that one. It meant something during that day, as Jen will tell you in just a second. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe next verse I really like: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like a tower of ivory, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath-Rabbim; your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, which faces toward Damascus. (I\u2019m hoping that was a small tower.) [Laughter] Your head crowns you like Carmel (not caramel), and the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads; the king is captivated by your tresses. How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms. Your stature is like a palm tree and your breasts are like its clusters. I said, \u201cI will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.\u201d Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMay the Lord bless the reading of His Word. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> So, as we look at this together, and as a man says this to his wife, I want to talk specifically to the men about how we can take from this passage and men can learn a couple things from this man, who is saying this to his wife. I want you to pay attention, men, to how this man is wooing his wife into an intimate relationship. First of all, I want you to look at some of the things he says to her that show that he says, \u201cYou are beautiful, and you are desirable to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat are some words that he uses that say, \u201cYou are beautiful\u201d? [Audience response] Yes\u2014that you are like \u201cjewels.\u201d Okay; what else? \u201c\u2026hands of an artist.\u201d He uses the word, \u201cbeautiful.\u201d He uses the word, \u201cdelightful.\u201d He\u2019s saying: \u201cYou\u2019re beautiful! How delightful you are. You have all these charms.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we, as women\u2014God made us to appreciate and to love beauty. He gave us that desire. We can see that as our young children and our young girls and boys grow up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFrom the very beginning, our girls desire\u2014I\u2019ve seen my daughter come up to Brian and say: \u201cDaddy, how do I look? Do you like my dress? Do you like my hair? What do I look like?\u201d Our culture, of course, takes that and mixes it all up. We women can get into some big trouble\u2014we can get into comparison issues \/ we can have eating disorders\u2014we can be so focused on our beauty. But that\u2019s the world mixing it up. God made us to want to be beautiful!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo when our men tell us that: \u201cYou are beautiful, inside and out,\u201d \u201cYou are beautiful in how you look,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re very desirable to me,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s what a woman wants to hear. But it\u2019s not the <em>only<\/em> thing a woman wants to hear. I want you to notice in here and tell me some things that show that this man is valuing her. What are some words that Solomon uses to tell his wife, \u201cNot only are you beautiful, but you are valuable to me\u201d? Can you notice any of them?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay; again: \u201c\u2026the work of the hands of an artist.\u201d So, \u201cYou\u2019re like a fine piece of art!\u201d It\u2019s very valuable \/ \u201cYou\u2019ve got some value,\u201d there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat else? \u201cJewels\u201d are very valuable. Okay; \u201cwine.\u201d Even the belly is \u201clike a heap of wheat,\u201d and I don\u2019t really want Brian to say that to me. But a heap of wheat had great value in that culture. It would be something that they could sell, and it would be a financial gain for them. So not only do we want to know, men, that we are beautiful; but we want to know that we hold some value to you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause, see, if you just think we\u2019re beautiful, we feel like all you want from us is that sexual relationship; but if we feel like we bring something to the table \/ to our relationship\u2014that maybe we\u2019re really good with finances, or we\u2019re really good at parenting, or we\u2019re really good at certain things\u2014you are telling us, \u201cNot only are you beautiful, but you are so <em>valuable<\/em> to me.\u201d When those two things come together, a woman feels cherished. When a woman feels cherished, there is a natural intimacy that happens.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen a woman does not feel beautiful any longer \/ when she feels like she is\u2014I mean, we all know we\u2019re getting older. We\u2019re not ever getting younger \/ we\u2019re always getting older. After we have children, we don\u2019t feel beautiful. As we age and go through different cycles in our life\u2014maybe some of us are starting to hit menopause\u2014we just go through all those things. When we don\u2019t feel beautiful, we\u2019re not going to want to be intimate with our husbands. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, if we don\u2019t feel <em>valuable<\/em> \/ if we don\u2019t feel like we bring anything to the table\u2014again, we won\u2019t feel cherished\u2014and that relationship \/ that sexual relationship will be lacking. So, men, if you want your woman to throw away her mirror and not have the world tell her what she looks like \/ if you want to make her feel beautiful, and valuable, and that she will feel cherished, that is the start of a great, intimate relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes; absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have some mentors\u2014Don and Sally\u2014we meet with. They\u2019re kind of\u2014they\u2019re in their 70s now. I remember talking to them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey have this knack\u2014they do a lot of premarital counseling. I remember asking the question, \u201cHow is it?\u201d because they kind of brag about their sex life; and that\u2019s really what you want. [Laughter] Initially, you\u2019re going: \u201cThey\u2019re in their 70s! That\u2019s disgusting!\u201d [Laughter] But all of us in here\u2014you didn\u2019t get married to have a three-year sex life! You wanted a three-decade sex life; right? And we asked them, \u201cHow is it you keep your love alive?\u201d And what did she say? I thought it was really revealing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> Yes; Sally said: \u201cYou know what? Don still thinks I\u2019m beautiful after all these years. He still tells me that. He still thinks I\u2019m beautiful, and he still tells me that.\u201d She said: \u201cI know what I look like,\u201d\u2014she\u2019s had four kids, and she has fifteen grandchildren\u2014and she feels cherished \/ she feels valuable to Don\u2014she feels beautiful in his eyes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> Yes. See, we have these expectations; right? But, if your reality is: \u201cI\u2019m not moving \/ I not moving\u2014I\u2019m not looking at my wife,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m just having expectations of her,\u201d you\u2019re going to always feel this frustration. But if there is an investment\u2014that\u2019s really what Song of Solomon is speaking to\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014where we see the husband and the wife talk to each other, but they speak to the <em>value<\/em> that they long for. God wired us! When we start speaking that cherish, that value, that beauty, there is a desire to say, \u201cHey, I want to be intimate.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> But if there\u2019s only expectation, it\u2019s only going to lead to frustration.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jen:<\/strong> And a <em>great<\/em> question for you men to ask your wife sometime\u2014even start right after this session or sometime today when you have a quiet moment together\u2014say: \u201cDo I make you feel beautiful? Do I make you feel valuable? Do you feel cherished in our relationship?\u201d It\u2019s a really brave thing to ask.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWives, I give you permission to be honest in a gentle way and say, \u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d Start a conversation about that \/ start a conversation about how your husband can make\u2014maybe there are some things, as a wife, maybe you need to do. Maybe you need to take care of yourself a little bit better.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know that sounds like a worldly thing; but, again, a man wants us\u2014even if we\u2019re just <em>trying <\/em>to take care of ourselves \/ even if we\u2019re <em>trying<\/em> to look good for a night out, or we\u2019re exercising \/ eating right\u2014our man will notice that. We will not have a perfect body or a perfect face right away, but our man sees that; and that\u2019s attractive to him.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brian:<\/strong> So, for the guys, you should be asking your wife this week: \u201cHoney, do you <em>feel<\/em> cherished? Do you feel valued? Do you feel beautiful? If not, I\u2019m here to take notes,\u201d\u2014because everyone is different, and it will change. This is a big question that you\u2019ll need to ask probably on a monthly, or at least, an every-other-month basis, to know, \u201cHow am I doing in that area?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you find that your sexpectations aren\u2019t being met, maybe the reason isn\u2019t because of something that\u2019s going wrong in the bedroom. It\u2019s probably outside of the bedroom that she\u2019s not feeling cherished \/ she\u2019s not feeling valued.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, again, we\u2019ve heard the first part of a message today from Brian and Jen Goins talking about\u2014did you like the way he said that?\u2014\u201csexpectations.\u201d [Laughter] I think we all had to recalibrate our expectations \/ make some adjustments when we got married; don\u2019t you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I totally agree. Wives and husbands, by the way\u2014here\u2019s the big idea: \u201cDon\u2019t let marriage rob your relationship of its romance.\u201d Just because you\u2019re married doesn\u2019t mean there shouldn\u2019t be some serious romancing going on and speaking one another\u2019s love language when it comes to the subject of romance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I would add to that\u2014if you think that romance and intimacy in marriage should just happen spontaneously, and just happen naturally, and shouldn\u2019t take any work\u2014I mean, it didn\u2019t seem like it took any work back when you were dating; and that was all you could think about\u2014well, that\u2019s a part of the expectation adjustment you\u2019re going to have to make because it does take a little work; doesn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, as Brian mentioned\u2014and Jen as well\u2014they got their expectations a lot from music, and movies, and TV. Quite honestly, it\u2019s difficult to have a correct calibration of what we should expect from our spouse and how we expect to be treated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to tell you\u2014if you want to treat your spouse to something\u2014listen to me, guys: \u201cGo online or call the 800 number and check out the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. There\u2019s over 80 hours of great content, ballroom dancing, teaching, equipping you for your marriage and family. You\u2019re going to come on this cruise, more than likely, a little tired and in need of some romance. You\u2019re going to leave with a smile on your face. I can almost guarantee it!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Maybe even a little tired\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Maybe.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014but with a smile on your face. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes, but you can choose to sleep in! Obviously, you\u2019re not going to be able to take in all of what we offer on the cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I mentioned earlier that we are nearing a sell-out for next year\u2019s cruise. It\u2019s going to be February 13-18. We\u2019re leaving from New Orleans this year. Going with us are Paul David Tripp, Kevin DeYoung, H. B. Charles, Jeremy Camp, Michael, Jr.\u2014great lineup of speakers, musicians, and artists who are going to be onboard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019d love to have you be onboard as well. So, if you\u2019d like to be part of the cruise, this is a good week to be in touch with us. Rates for cabins go up next week; so if you\u2019re interested, call 1-800-FL-TODAY right now and say, \u201cI want to find out more about the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. Or go online to FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com. If you have any questions\u2014or if you need to talk to somebody to get details\u2014call 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, we have \u201cCongratulations!\u201d going out today to Bradley and Debra Young, who live in Newton, North Carolina, and who are celebrating an anniversary today. \u201cCongratulations to the Youngs!\u201d They listen to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>on WMIT, and they help support the ministry as well. Thank you guys for partnering with us in all that we\u2019re doing, here at FamilyLife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate your financial support, and we hope you have a great anniversary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe think anniversaries are a big deal and part of the reason we exist. As the Proud Sponsor of Anniversaries<sup>\u2122<\/sup>, we want to help more couples celebrate more anniversaries through the years. So thank for partnering with us in that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I hope all of you can join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to hear Part Two of Brian and Jen Goins\u2019 message on intimacy in marriage. That comes up tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. 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