{"id":303968,"date":"2016-04-25T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-04-25T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/whos-in-control\/"},"modified":"2016-04-25T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2016-04-25T15:00:00","slug":"whos-in-control","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whos-in-control\/","title":{"rendered":"Who&#8217;s in Control?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Sarah Parshall Perry, a wife and mother of three, realized soon after getting married how much of a control freak she really was, and the effects of it on her marriage weren&#8217;t pretty.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-25.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.71M","filesize_raw":"24862083","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2838,2090],"tags":[5167,5997,5996,5998,2877],"podcast_series":[8139],"cwp_profile":[3530],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303968","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mothers","category-special-needs-child","tag-autism","tag-autism-in-children","tag-chaotic-family","tag-control-freak","tag-marriage","podcast_series-sand-in-my-sandwich","cwp_profile-sarah-parshall-perry","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303968\/whos-in-control","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303968\/whos-in-control","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"u0oAdVkeTQ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whos-in-control\/\">Who&#8217;s in Control?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whos-in-control\/embed\/#?secret=u0oAdVkeTQ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Who&#8217;s in Control?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"u0oAdVkeTQ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-25.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-25.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There was a season not that long ago when Sarah Parshall Perry and her husband Matt went through a whole series of trials. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>We lost both grandparents at the same time. Matt lost his job. When he got another job, we made a few real estate investments with the money that his father had left us. The real estate market crashed\u2014lost everything, including our main residence. We filed for bankruptcy; and in the midst of this, I\u2019m diagnosed with a <em>very<\/em> rare autoimmune disorder, Behcet's disease. So, it has been one thing after another to the point where our friends would say, \u201cOnly you two!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, April 25<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. When trials come in a marriage relationship, they will either push you apart or push you together. We\u2019ll find out what happened for Matt and Sarah Perry on today\u2019s program. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You would think that, if you\u2019d been to law school, that would give you a leg up on being a parent; wouldn\u2019t you?\u00a0 That you\u2019d have at least a little\u2014a little\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, you\u2019d expect a woman who has been to law school to be able to persecute and prosecute kids before they got to her!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You would think that by the time that they\u2019re eight or nine, you\u2019d be able to corral them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s just ask her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014if that works?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014if it works. Sarah Parshall Perry joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Sarah, welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019ve got to ask you\u2014you went to UVA\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014University of Virginia School of Law. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You got the degree there. How well did it prepare you for what you have faced as a wife and a mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Not nearly well enough. [Laughter]\u00a0 I mean, you would think that being paid to argue for a living\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>\u2014would make me the victor in every one of our fights, and that\u2019s not the case!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A seven-year-old can take you down!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>A seven-year-old could beat me every time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, yes. Well, you and your husband Matt have been married since 2001. You live in Maryland. You are the mom of three children\u2014young children, as you said. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I want to take you to a scene in your marriage\u2014and we\u2019re going to ultimately go back and rebuild to this scene so the listeners kind of have a context for this\u2014but you talk about in the first ten years of your marriage\u2014how you fought over all kinds of things with your husband Matt and you faced all kinds of circumstances that were no laughing matter. They can take down a couple of grown human beings and divide them permanently through divorce, if not through emotional separation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I want to take you to the moment when Matt threw his wedding ring at you. What was the cause of\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m glad you can laugh about it now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, I can laugh about it now because whatever it was\u2014was so stupid. I can\u2019t remember what it was that caused him to get so angry; but like <em>many<\/em> marital fights, it was something that we can look back in retrospect and say, \u201cRemember that time you got so angry that you did \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 \u2018z\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just remember a <em>fight<\/em>\u2014we were probably six months into our marriage\u2014that was <em>so<\/em> earth-shattering that he said, \u201cI didn\u2019t sign on for this!\u201d and threw his wedding ring across the room so hard it dented the drywall, picked up a duffle bag, and walked out the door. I thought: \u201cI don\u2019t think this is supposed to happen in the first couple months of marriage. Isn\u2019t this all the shiny, happy, romantic, \u2018We\u2019re getting to know each other, and it\u2019s all very precious\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI did not experience a lot of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think\u2014because we had gotten married so quickly, and were so passionately in love, and we had met and were married within one year\u2014we had a lot of adjusting to do. And we were married later in life\u2014both close to 30. We had our own particular way of doing things. And that didn\u2019t quite gel when we were first married. I would say, \u201cProbably, still doesn\u2019t all the time; but we\u2019re definitely learning to manage it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you have written a book called <em>Sand in My Sandwich<\/em>. It sounds like you had a good half of pick up load there in your sandwich early on in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Most couples, when they get married, don\u2019t have any idea what they are signing up for\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>No. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and you really didn\u2019t. I want to just read how you summarized the first ten years of your marriage. You said: \u201cIn the first ten years of marriage, Matt and I experienced trials that some people would never see in a lifetime.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIn addition to a number of deaths, illnesses, job losses, financial devastations, we had yet another series of trials to endure\u2014those packaged neatly in the form of three tow-headed, blue-eyed, dimpled children, looking perfect,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbut some challenges underneath the surface.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, as you look back on starting out your marriage, what would someone have needed to have shared with you that would have better prepared you for what you ended up facing?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>If someone had said to me: \u201cGod does not make mistakes. So, whatever is coming is exactly what He wants,\u201d that might have changed the perspective on how I weathered difficulty. Instead, what I ended up doing was learning the hard way because I didn\u2019t want to give up the reigns. I love that analogy. I\u2019m a horseback rider, and I\u2019m competitive by nature; but I\u2019m also a control freak. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was not willing to let the Lord take over. And for me, it was as much a personal journey about my relationship with the Lord as it was managing three kids who did not enter the world the way I thought they would. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, let me pull back to that six months and ring across the room, as a young wife, with a husband who says, \u201cI didn\u2019t sign up for this,\u201d and grabs a duffle bag, were you thinking, \u201cThis is over\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I did have that thought. He came back the next day\u2014had spent the night at a friend\u2019s house. And I remember getting on my knees, and praying, and thinking: \u201cLord, I had such clarity about this decision. Could I have misheard You?\u00a0 Could I possibly have made the wrong choice?\u201d\u00a0 And that\u2019s never what anyone wants to think, six months into their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I can look back on it, 14 years later, and say, \u201cWe were definitely supposed to be together.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe Lord has blessed us <em>tremendously<\/em> in spite of our own failings. But we went into this with our own way of doing things and our own perspectives. The Lord, piece by piece, has taken apart what we were so set in our ways about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How were you trying to control your husband?\u00a0 I mean, if he came to the point of throwing a ring across the room \/ grabbing a duffle bag, he must have felt something profoundly painful to cause him to want to flee. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I will tell you\u2014we have two very different ways of handling conflict. My husband is very engaging\u2014he\u2019s a yeller \/ he\u2019s very demonstrative. I am someone who shuts down in the face of conflict. I will get very quiet and will not speak at all\u2014which, when you are married to someone who <em>thrives<\/em> on engagement, is the worst possible way to handle it. When I went silent, and avoided eye contact, and went to another room, he would follow me and continue yelling: \u201cI want to talk about this!\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI don\u2019t care how long it takes!\u00a0 We\u2019re going to work through it.\u201d\u00a0 And I would agree for the sake of agreeing, which all that made me do was be resentful. I would stew at night, thinking, \u201cI didn\u2019t really agree, but I want it to be over.\u201d\u00a0 And that cycle would continue over and over again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, how were you controlling him?\u00a0 I still want to hear, early in your marriage, how your controlling personality\u2014wanting the reigns, pulling back on him, steering him in this direction or the other\u2014how was that taking place?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>His manner of fighting with me and my response to it was my way of saying: \u201cThis is how it\u2019s going to be done\u2014if you want to yell, I\u2019m going to shut down. We\u2019re going to handle it this way because I cannot handle the blistering I\u2019m getting right now.\u201d\u00a0 So, he would come toward me\u2014it would be yelling \/ it would be screaming\u2014and I would stand there, silent as a stone. I thought: \u201cI\u2019m not going to fight with you like this. It\u2019s impossible for me to deal with you\u201d; and I would leave the room. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s really interesting because\u2014and I appreciate your honesty at that point\u2014it really is controlling, once you describe it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014like that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Doesn\u2019t seem that way, but it really was. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No, it doesn\u2019t. You don\u2019t think of silence being that overly oppressive to another person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014but it can be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And to that person, who is a controller, using silence, you would say?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh my goodness!\u00a0 I would say, \u201cKnow your \u2018adversary,\u2019\u201d\u2014I\u2019m going to use air quotes here because, obviously, we\u2019re not in an adversarial relationship if you are talking about marriage\u2014this is a partnership \/ it\u2019s a team\u2014but know the person that you\u2019re engaging with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt took me a while to figure out what I was doing was ultimately damaging him because his upbringing involved exactly the same manner of fighting\u2014one would yell \/ the other would retreat. They would get in their car, and they would leave. He would be afraid, \u201cThat person\u2019s not coming back.\u201d\u00a0 It made him feel unstable in the affection and love of that other person because he thought, \u201cWell, if that person\u2019s going away because they\u2019re so upset and they don\u2019t want to talk to me about it, what does the future hold for me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, knowing him, after all of these years\u2014I think the person that I\u2019m talking to\u2014I would say, \u201cAsk them a question: \u2018Do you want to be right, or do you want to resolve things?\u2019 and \u2018What do you need from me to resolve it?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, our listeners, who have been to our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, hear you talking about this isolation that was occurring early in your marriage\u2014and they know that on Friday night we talk about how this is the natural drift in every relationship. Unless you are intentional \/ unless you are pursuing oneness, you will drift apart. It\u2019s the way things are going to go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we often have different ways of dealing with conflict in a marriage relationship, but you touched on one other thing\u2014and we talk about this on Friday night at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> as well\u2014when we face, together, the inevitable trials and difficulties that are going to come into a relationship, if we\u2019re not prepared for that \/ if our relationship isn\u2019t ready for that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that can put cracks and fissures in the marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And Bob, speaking of the relationship, it begins with the person\u2019s relationship with Jesus Christ\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely; no question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014because if that\u2019s not settled\u2014if you\u2019ve not surrendered to Christ\u2014how else are you going to build that relationship that you\u2019re talking about?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, explain for our listeners about some of these trials and difficulties that came your way as you were in the early years of your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>So, we came at all of these tribulations with two disadvantages. First, we handled conflict differently. So, that was disadvantage number one. Second, we were at different places spiritually\u2014that was disadvantage number two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur relationship with the Lord was very unique for each of us. I am more of an analytical thinker\u2014I can get into the Scripture \/ I like to take it apart\u2014I really like to get into the Word. My relationship with the Lord is based on what I know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband\u2019s relationship with the Lord is based more on how he feels. He feels the Lord very present in his life when he is blessed. He feels the Lord has let him down when things are difficult. So, we came at it\u2014and I would say, \u201cWell, we know this is true;\u201d and my husband would say: \u201cBut I don\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> that it\u2019s true. I feel like He\u2019s turned Himself away from me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHis father died two years into our marriage, and that\u2019s very difficult to lose a parent when you\u2019re that young. We had our son two years after that. We lost both grandparents at the same time. Matt lost his job. When he got another job, we made a few real estate investments with the money that his father had left us. The real estate market crashed\u2014lost everything, including our main residence. We filed for bankruptcy. Our three children\u2014as they begin to develop, I look at them and I say to my husband, \u201cI see something here,\u201d\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the first one to get diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder was Noah, our oldest, followed shortly thereafter by Jesse, our youngest. In the midst of this, I\u2019m diagnosed with a <em>very<\/em> rare autoimmune disorder called Behcet's disease\u2014so rare that it took us three years to find a diagnosis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, on top of that, I just lost my brother, 36, to Hodgkin\u2019s Lymphoma about a year-and-a-half ago. So, it has been one thing after another\u2014to the point where our friends would say: \u201cOnly you two!\u00a0 Only Sarah and Matt would have this happen to them.\u201d\u00a0 It was virtually comedic\u2014except for us\u2014we felt as if we couldn\u2019t take another grain of sand. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When all of that\u2019s coming at you in a marriage relationship, if the issue of oneness is not settled, that will push you in opposite corners and cause you to look and go, \u201cI don\u2019t know that I want to hang out with you \/ I want to be with you.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, without question\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014particularly because both of us were experiencing different levels of difficulty at different times. So, you\u2019d have the real estate issue\u2014which affected us both \/ the money issues, which affected us both\u2014but Matt\u2019s response to things like losing a job was different than mine because it went to the issue of his success, from an employment standpoint. I would say: \u201cI believe in you. I know that this is temporary. The Lord has never let us want for anything. It\u2019s going to be okay.\u201d\u00a0 Again, as a feeler, he would say: \u201cYes, but I don\u2019t feel like it. I feel like the Lord has let us down.\u201d\u00a0 In that respect, we have sort of a non-traditional relationship with one another because I\u2019m the thinker and he\u2019s the feeler\u2014so he\u2019s emotions first, and I\u2019m analytical understanding first. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say to him: \u201cLook at what this verse says\u2014look at what James says about rejoicing, and perseverance, and trials, and waiting for that crown of life that\u2019s been promised us. It\u2019s going to be okay!\u00a0 There are verses upon verses\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe would say: \u201cI don\u2019t care. I don\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> it. I feel, right now, like God is a genie; and I have to rub the lamp the right way to get Him to pay attention to me. I feel lost.\u201d\u00a0 So, that was very hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I want to underscore what you\u2019re modeling here for some of our listeners. You\u2019re taking a gift or a strength you have\u2014and instead of turning against your husband in those circumstances, you turn toward him to respect him\u2014to believe in him \/ to express trust in him. I mean, it\u2019s a big deal for a woman to lose her house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I mean, you lost it to bankruptcy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It would be easy to become very resentful \/ embittered toward him, but you weren\u2019t. You kept on believing and expressing love to him. And I just want to say to listeners, who are peering into your story\u2014and they are in circumstances, right now, they can\u2019t control either. And by the way, we are all in circumstances we can\u2019t control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>No question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s just an illusion if you think you are in control at this very moment. But take your circumstances and decide: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 I am going to choose to come alongside my spouse in his or her weakness\u2014where they don\u2019t match up \/ where they are struggling\u2014and instead, hang in there with them and take my covenant that I made with my spouse and make it good,\u201d because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014that\u2019s what you were doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But the stereotype, as you\u2019ve acknowledged, is that it\u2019s the wife, who is going to be the emotional feeler \/ \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014the husband is the fixer, who comes along and says, \u201cNo, this is what\u2019s true; and we\u2019ll get through this.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019re in reversed roles here. Did you ever stop and think that, maybe, to come to your husband and say, \u201cYou know, tell me more about what you\u2019re feeling\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Very interesting you should say that. I actually, finally\u2014and I would say probably too late in the process\u2014if I had done it earlier, we might have avoided more internal turmoil underneath our roof. I finally decided: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cListen, I\u2019m going to come to you and ask you a simple question: \u2018Tell me how you feel.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI feel like a failure. I feel like God\u2019s abandoned me. I feel as though I\u2019m never going to get a job again. I feel like I\u2019m unemployable. I feel anxious because I worry about providing for the family.\u201d\u00a0 And I said to him, \u201cDo you want me to offer you advice, or do you want me to just sit here and listen to you?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, you asked him permission?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely; that was <em>huge<\/em>. He\u2019s learned to do the same thing for me because I still have the female\/wifely tendency to want to unload things and talk, and talk, and talk, and then, realize that I don\u2019t necessarily want that solution \/ I don\u2019t want the equation solved\u2014I just want to get it off my chest. So, in that respect, I am still very much a typical female. He\u2019s learned to ask me the same question. We preface situations, where we know there is conflict brewing, with the same question for each other: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cDo you want me to just listen, or do you want me to offer advice?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And there are times when neither of you want advice; you just want\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014somebody to listen; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely! No question; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s okay\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because sometimes, the best thing we can do for one another\u2014think about Job\u2019s friends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The best thing they did for Job was they sat with him and listened. In fact, when they started to speak, things got worse\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>And I would say it was his wife who made the mistake of saying, \u201cJust curse God and die.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>So, not always is the advice of a spouse the best advice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, we want things fixed\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and life is a journey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes, it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Two autistic children\u2014it\u2019s not like you are going to fix that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I mean, there are pragmatics to what\u2019s taking place because your normal is a different normal than most of us ever experience in a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. Probably, above and beyond regular parenting\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we have to recognize the tiny manifestations of a disability that will be with them their entire life. In fact, our neurologist has said: \u201cListen\u2014there is no cure for autism. There is a management for autism. We can send them to speech therapy, and physical therapy, and we can talk about medication. There are ways to take care of it but not a way to cure it.\u201d So, we have had to watch very closely so that, if one of us doesn\u2019t see it coming, the other one can see it coming. And in that case, we work together, as a team, to ward off what we know is going to make things harder. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what I really got, as a takeaway from your book, <em>Sand in My Sandwich<\/em>, is beginning to look at life through the eyes of Scripture and realize, \u201cGod\u2019s in control\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cthat what I think ought to be normal for my family \/ my marriage may not be what other people are experiencing.\u201d\u00a0 And I thought of this passage in Philippians, Chapter 4\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014Paul says, \u201cI have learned in whatever situation I am in to be content.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>\u2014content; absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>To be content. And that\u2019s what I heard you expressing. He went on to say\u2014he said, \u201cI know how to be brought low\u201d\u2014and I bet you \/ you do\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him\u201d\u2014speaking of Christ\u2014\u201cwho strengthens me.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMarriage is not just two physical human beings. It is a true reality that we are spiritual beings made in the image of God. In these moments\u2014like you are facing in your family\u2014you have to learn what it means to be a follower of Christ and allow Him to live His life in and through you. And I\u2019m going to promise you something: \u201cThese are not just words in a book called the Bible\u2014these are reality \/\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014back to what you said\u2014\u201cthese are the truth.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cYou have to embrace the truth and live it out.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and what you\u2019ve done in this book is\u2014you have talked very candidly about the challenges and the trials you\u2019ve faced. I think, in the process, you are offering young wives and young moms a picture of how you do this\u2014what happens when trials come \/ how you learn to find Jesus in the midst of the challenges you\u2019re going through. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of Sarah Parshall Perry\u2019s book, <em>Sand in My Sandwich: And Other Motherhood Messes I\u2019m Learning to Love<\/em>. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com to request your copy of the book. You can order online if you\u2019d like, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and order by phone. So, again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can, also, get in touch with us when you call 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I heard last week we had a number of listeners who downloaded the brand-new FamilyLife app. If you haven\u2019t done it yet, it\u2019s free. Go to the app store for your android, or your iOS phone, or for your tablet; and you can download the free app. Just type the word, \u201cFamilyLife,\u201d into the search box\u2014and make sure it\u2019s one word \/ no space between Family and Life\u2014and that\u2019ll pull up our new app. Again, it\u2019s free. It gives you instant access to today\u2019s program each day and our library of thousands of past <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs as well as other content. Again, it\u2019s free. And if you have any trouble finding it in the app store, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on how you can get the app. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, do you know what was happening a year ago today?\u00a0 Well, Vernelius and Victoria Hendricks, who live in Decatur, Alabama, remember because it was one year ago today that they got married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is their first wedding anniversary. We just wanted to pop in here and say: \u201cHappy anniversary!\u201d to the Hendricks. \u201cThanks for listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and we\u2019re cheering you guys all the way to the finish line. We want to be here to provide you with ongoing hope and help for your marriage and your family.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who help make all of this possible, as sponsors of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014those of you who are Legacy Partners \/ those of you who donate from time to time. We\u2019re grateful for your financial support of this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, if you can make a donation today, we\u2019d like to show our thanks by sending you a copy of Barbara Rainey\u2019s new book, <em>Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife<\/em>. It\u2019s our thank-you gift when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com \/ make an online donation; or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY \/ make a donation over the phone; or when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about some of the challenges that parents face, as we raise our kids, and how being a mom with kids who have needs can be a challenge\u2014especially, if you have a control obsession, which is what Sarah Parshall Perry says she has. I hope you\u2019ll be back tomorrow as we talk with her about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.71M"],"filesize_raw":["24862083"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303968.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303968.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Parshall Perry, a wife and mother of three, realized soon after getting married how much of a control freak she really was, and the effects of it on her marriage weren't pretty.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There was a season not that long ago when Sarah Parshall Perry and her husband Matt went through a whole series of trials. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>We lost both grandparents at the same time. Matt lost his job. When he got another job, we made a few real estate investments with the money that his father had left us. The real estate market crashed\u2014lost everything, including our main residence. We filed for bankruptcy; and in the midst of this, I\u2019m diagnosed with a <em>very<\/em> rare autoimmune disorder, Behcet's disease. So, it has been one thing after another to the point where our friends would say, \u201cOnly you two!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, April 25<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. When trials come in a marriage relationship, they will either push you apart or push you together. We\u2019ll find out what happened for Matt and Sarah Perry on today\u2019s program. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tStay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You would think that, if you\u2019d been to law school, that would give you a leg up on being a parent; wouldn\u2019t you?\u00a0 That you\u2019d have at least a little\u2014a little\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, you\u2019d expect a woman who has been to law school to be able to persecute and prosecute kids before they got to her!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You would think that by the time that they\u2019re eight or nine, you\u2019d be able to corral them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let\u2019s just ask her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014if that works?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014if it works. Sarah Parshall Perry joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Sarah, welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019ve got to ask you\u2014you went to UVA\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014University of Virginia School of Law. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You got the degree there. How well did it prepare you for what you have faced as a wife and a mom?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Not nearly well enough. [Laughter]\u00a0 I mean, you would think that being paid to argue for a living\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>\u2014would make me the victor in every one of our fights, and that\u2019s not the case!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A seven-year-old can take you down!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>A seven-year-old could beat me every time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, yes. Well, you and your husband Matt have been married since 2001. You live in Maryland. You are the mom of three children\u2014young children, as you said. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I want to take you to a scene in your marriage\u2014and we\u2019re going to ultimately go back and rebuild to this scene so the listeners kind of have a context for this\u2014but you talk about in the first ten years of your marriage\u2014how you fought over all kinds of things with your husband Matt and you faced all kinds of circumstances that were no laughing matter. They can take down a couple of grown human beings and divide them permanently through divorce, if not through emotional separation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I want to take you to the moment when Matt threw his wedding ring at you. What was the cause of\u2014[Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m glad you can laugh about it now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, I can laugh about it now because whatever it was\u2014was so stupid. I can\u2019t remember what it was that caused him to get so angry; but like <em>many<\/em> marital fights, it was something that we can look back in retrospect and say, \u201cRemember that time you got so angry that you did \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 \u2018z\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just remember a <em>fight<\/em>\u2014we were probably six months into our marriage\u2014that was <em>so<\/em> earth-shattering that he said, \u201cI didn\u2019t sign on for this!\u201d and threw his wedding ring across the room so hard it dented the drywall, picked up a duffle bag, and walked out the door. I thought: \u201cI don\u2019t think this is supposed to happen in the first couple months of marriage. Isn\u2019t this all the shiny, happy, romantic, \u2018We\u2019re getting to know each other, and it\u2019s all very precious\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI did not experience a lot of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think\u2014because we had gotten married so quickly, and were so passionately in love, and we had met and were married within one year\u2014we had a lot of adjusting to do. And we were married later in life\u2014both close to 30. We had our own particular way of doing things. And that didn\u2019t quite gel when we were first married. I would say, \u201cProbably, still doesn\u2019t all the time; but we\u2019re definitely learning to manage it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, you have written a book called <em>Sand in My Sandwich<\/em>. It sounds like you had a good half of pick up load there in your sandwich early on in your marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Most couples, when they get married, don\u2019t have any idea what they are signing up for\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>No. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and you really didn\u2019t. I want to just read how you summarized the first ten years of your marriage. You said: \u201cIn the first ten years of marriage, Matt and I experienced trials that some people would never see in a lifetime.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIn addition to a number of deaths, illnesses, job losses, financial devastations, we had yet another series of trials to endure\u2014those packaged neatly in the form of three tow-headed, blue-eyed, dimpled children, looking perfect,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbut some challenges underneath the surface.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, as you look back on starting out your marriage, what would someone have needed to have shared with you that would have better prepared you for what you ended up facing?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>If someone had said to me: \u201cGod does not make mistakes. So, whatever is coming is exactly what He wants,\u201d that might have changed the perspective on how I weathered difficulty. Instead, what I ended up doing was learning the hard way because I didn\u2019t want to give up the reigns. I love that analogy. I\u2019m a horseback rider, and I\u2019m competitive by nature; but I\u2019m also a control freak. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI was not willing to let the Lord take over. And for me, it was as much a personal journey about my relationship with the Lord as it was managing three kids who did not enter the world the way I thought they would. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, let me pull back to that six months and ring across the room, as a young wife, with a husband who says, \u201cI didn\u2019t sign up for this,\u201d and grabs a duffle bag, were you thinking, \u201cThis is over\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I did have that thought. He came back the next day\u2014had spent the night at a friend\u2019s house. And I remember getting on my knees, and praying, and thinking: \u201cLord, I had such clarity about this decision. Could I have misheard You?\u00a0 Could I possibly have made the wrong choice?\u201d\u00a0 And that\u2019s never what anyone wants to think, six months into their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I can look back on it, 14 years later, and say, \u201cWe were definitely supposed to be together.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe Lord has blessed us <em>tremendously<\/em> in spite of our own failings. But we went into this with our own way of doing things and our own perspectives. The Lord, piece by piece, has taken apart what we were so set in our ways about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How were you trying to control your husband?\u00a0 I mean, if he came to the point of throwing a ring across the room \/ grabbing a duffle bag, he must have felt something profoundly painful to cause him to want to flee. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>I will tell you\u2014we have two very different ways of handling conflict. My husband is very engaging\u2014he\u2019s a yeller \/ he\u2019s very demonstrative. I am someone who shuts down in the face of conflict. I will get very quiet and will not speak at all\u2014which, when you are married to someone who <em>thrives<\/em> on engagement, is the worst possible way to handle it. When I went silent, and avoided eye contact, and went to another room, he would follow me and continue yelling: \u201cI want to talk about this!\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI don\u2019t care how long it takes!\u00a0 We\u2019re going to work through it.\u201d\u00a0 And I would agree for the sake of agreeing, which all that made me do was be resentful. I would stew at night, thinking, \u201cI didn\u2019t really agree, but I want it to be over.\u201d\u00a0 And that cycle would continue over and over again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, how were you controlling him?\u00a0 I still want to hear, early in your marriage, how your controlling personality\u2014wanting the reigns, pulling back on him, steering him in this direction or the other\u2014how was that taking place?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>His manner of fighting with me and my response to it was my way of saying: \u201cThis is how it\u2019s going to be done\u2014if you want to yell, I\u2019m going to shut down. We\u2019re going to handle it this way because I cannot handle the blistering I\u2019m getting right now.\u201d\u00a0 So, he would come toward me\u2014it would be yelling \/ it would be screaming\u2014and I would stand there, silent as a stone. I thought: \u201cI\u2019m not going to fight with you like this. It\u2019s impossible for me to deal with you\u201d; and I would leave the room. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s really interesting because\u2014and I appreciate your honesty at that point\u2014it really is controlling, once you describe it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014like that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Doesn\u2019t seem that way, but it really was. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No, it doesn\u2019t. You don\u2019t think of silence being that overly oppressive to another person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014but it can be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And to that person, who is a controller, using silence, you would say?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh my goodness!\u00a0 I would say, \u201cKnow your \u2018adversary,\u2019\u201d\u2014I\u2019m going to use air quotes here because, obviously, we\u2019re not in an adversarial relationship if you are talking about marriage\u2014this is a partnership \/ it\u2019s a team\u2014but know the person that you\u2019re engaging with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt took me a while to figure out what I was doing was ultimately damaging him because his upbringing involved exactly the same manner of fighting\u2014one would yell \/ the other would retreat. They would get in their car, and they would leave. He would be afraid, \u201cThat person\u2019s not coming back.\u201d\u00a0 It made him feel unstable in the affection and love of that other person because he thought, \u201cWell, if that person\u2019s going away because they\u2019re so upset and they don\u2019t want to talk to me about it, what does the future hold for me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, knowing him, after all of these years\u2014I think the person that I\u2019m talking to\u2014I would say, \u201cAsk them a question: \u2018Do you want to be right, or do you want to resolve things?\u2019 and \u2018What do you need from me to resolve it?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, our listeners, who have been to our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway, hear you talking about this isolation that was occurring early in your marriage\u2014and they know that on Friday night we talk about how this is the natural drift in every relationship. Unless you are intentional \/ unless you are pursuing oneness, you will drift apart. It\u2019s the way things are going to go. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we often have different ways of dealing with conflict in a marriage relationship, but you touched on one other thing\u2014and we talk about this on Friday night at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> as well\u2014when we face, together, the inevitable trials and difficulties that are going to come into a relationship, if we\u2019re not prepared for that \/ if our relationship isn\u2019t ready for that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that can put cracks and fissures in the marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And Bob, speaking of the relationship, it begins with the person\u2019s relationship with Jesus Christ\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely; no question.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014because if that\u2019s not settled\u2014if you\u2019ve not surrendered to Christ\u2014how else are you going to build that relationship that you\u2019re talking about?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, explain for our listeners about some of these trials and difficulties that came your way as you were in the early years of your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>So, we came at all of these tribulations with two disadvantages. First, we handled conflict differently. So, that was disadvantage number one. Second, we were at different places spiritually\u2014that was disadvantage number two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur relationship with the Lord was very unique for each of us. I am more of an analytical thinker\u2014I can get into the Scripture \/ I like to take it apart\u2014I really like to get into the Word. My relationship with the Lord is based on what I know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband\u2019s relationship with the Lord is based more on how he feels. He feels the Lord very present in his life when he is blessed. He feels the Lord has let him down when things are difficult. So, we came at it\u2014and I would say, \u201cWell, we know this is true;\u201d and my husband would say: \u201cBut I don\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> that it\u2019s true. I feel like He\u2019s turned Himself away from me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHis father died two years into our marriage, and that\u2019s very difficult to lose a parent when you\u2019re that young. We had our son two years after that. We lost both grandparents at the same time. Matt lost his job. When he got another job, we made a few real estate investments with the money that his father had left us. The real estate market crashed\u2014lost everything, including our main residence. We filed for bankruptcy. Our three children\u2014as they begin to develop, I look at them and I say to my husband, \u201cI see something here,\u201d\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the first one to get diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder was Noah, our oldest, followed shortly thereafter by Jesse, our youngest. In the midst of this, I\u2019m diagnosed with a <em>very<\/em> rare autoimmune disorder called Behcet's disease\u2014so rare that it took us three years to find a diagnosis. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, on top of that, I just lost my brother, 36, to Hodgkin\u2019s Lymphoma about a year-and-a-half ago. So, it has been one thing after another\u2014to the point where our friends would say: \u201cOnly you two!\u00a0 Only Sarah and Matt would have this happen to them.\u201d\u00a0 It was virtually comedic\u2014except for us\u2014we felt as if we couldn\u2019t take another grain of sand. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When all of that\u2019s coming at you in a marriage relationship, if the issue of oneness is not settled, that will push you in opposite corners and cause you to look and go, \u201cI don\u2019t know that I want to hang out with you \/ I want to be with you.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, without question\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014particularly because both of us were experiencing different levels of difficulty at different times. So, you\u2019d have the real estate issue\u2014which affected us both \/ the money issues, which affected us both\u2014but Matt\u2019s response to things like losing a job was different than mine because it went to the issue of his success, from an employment standpoint. I would say: \u201cI believe in you. I know that this is temporary. The Lord has never let us want for anything. It\u2019s going to be okay.\u201d\u00a0 Again, as a feeler, he would say: \u201cYes, but I don\u2019t feel like it. I feel like the Lord has let us down.\u201d\u00a0 In that respect, we have sort of a non-traditional relationship with one another because I\u2019m the thinker and he\u2019s the feeler\u2014so he\u2019s emotions first, and I\u2019m analytical understanding first. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would say to him: \u201cLook at what this verse says\u2014look at what James says about rejoicing, and perseverance, and trials, and waiting for that crown of life that\u2019s been promised us. It\u2019s going to be okay!\u00a0 There are verses upon verses\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe would say: \u201cI don\u2019t care. I don\u2019t <em>feel<\/em> it. I feel, right now, like God is a genie; and I have to rub the lamp the right way to get Him to pay attention to me. I feel lost.\u201d\u00a0 So, that was very hard. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I want to underscore what you\u2019re modeling here for some of our listeners. You\u2019re taking a gift or a strength you have\u2014and instead of turning against your husband in those circumstances, you turn toward him to respect him\u2014to believe in him \/ to express trust in him. I mean, it\u2019s a big deal for a woman to lose her house. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I mean, you lost it to bankruptcy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It would be easy to become very resentful \/ embittered toward him, but you weren\u2019t. You kept on believing and expressing love to him. And I just want to say to listeners, who are peering into your story\u2014and they are in circumstances, right now, they can\u2019t control either. And by the way, we are all in circumstances we can\u2019t control. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>No question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s just an illusion if you think you are in control at this very moment. But take your circumstances and decide: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 I am going to choose to come alongside my spouse in his or her weakness\u2014where they don\u2019t match up \/ where they are struggling\u2014and instead, hang in there with them and take my covenant that I made with my spouse and make it good,\u201d because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014that\u2019s what you were doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But the stereotype, as you\u2019ve acknowledged, is that it\u2019s the wife, who is going to be the emotional feeler \/ \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014the husband is the fixer, who comes along and says, \u201cNo, this is what\u2019s true; and we\u2019ll get through this.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019re in reversed roles here. Did you ever stop and think that, maybe, to come to your husband and say, \u201cYou know, tell me more about what you\u2019re feeling\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Very interesting you should say that. I actually, finally\u2014and I would say probably too late in the process\u2014if I had done it earlier, we might have avoided more internal turmoil underneath our roof. I finally decided: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cListen, I\u2019m going to come to you and ask you a simple question: \u2018Tell me how you feel.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI feel like a failure. I feel like God\u2019s abandoned me. I feel as though I\u2019m never going to get a job again. I feel like I\u2019m unemployable. I feel anxious because I worry about providing for the family.\u201d\u00a0 And I said to him, \u201cDo you want me to offer you advice, or do you want me to just sit here and listen to you?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, you asked him permission?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely; that was <em>huge<\/em>. He\u2019s learned to do the same thing for me because I still have the female\/wifely tendency to want to unload things and talk, and talk, and talk, and then, realize that I don\u2019t necessarily want that solution \/ I don\u2019t want the equation solved\u2014I just want to get it off my chest. So, in that respect, I am still very much a typical female. He\u2019s learned to ask me the same question. We preface situations, where we know there is conflict brewing, with the same question for each other: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cDo you want me to just listen, or do you want me to offer advice?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And there are times when neither of you want advice; you just want\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014somebody to listen; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely! No question; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And that\u2019s okay\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because sometimes, the best thing we can do for one another\u2014think about Job\u2019s friends. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The best thing they did for Job was they sat with him and listened. In fact, when they started to speak, things got worse\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>And I would say it was his wife who made the mistake of saying, \u201cJust curse God and die.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>So, not always is the advice of a spouse the best advice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, we want things fixed\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and life is a journey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes, it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Two autistic children\u2014it\u2019s not like you are going to fix that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I mean, there are pragmatics to what\u2019s taking place because your normal is a different normal than most of us ever experience in a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. Probably, above and beyond regular parenting\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we have to recognize the tiny manifestations of a disability that will be with them their entire life. In fact, our neurologist has said: \u201cListen\u2014there is no cure for autism. There is a management for autism. We can send them to speech therapy, and physical therapy, and we can talk about medication. There are ways to take care of it but not a way to cure it.\u201d So, we have had to watch very closely so that, if one of us doesn\u2019t see it coming, the other one can see it coming. And in that case, we work together, as a team, to ward off what we know is going to make things harder. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what I really got, as a takeaway from your book, <em>Sand in My Sandwich<\/em>, is beginning to look at life through the eyes of Scripture and realize, \u201cGod\u2019s in control\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cthat what I think ought to be normal for my family \/ my marriage may not be what other people are experiencing.\u201d\u00a0 And I thought of this passage in Philippians, Chapter 4\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014Paul says, \u201cI have learned in whatever situation I am in to be content.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>\u2014content; absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>To be content. And that\u2019s what I heard you expressing. He went on to say\u2014he said, \u201cI know how to be brought low\u201d\u2014and I bet you \/ you do\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him\u201d\u2014speaking of Christ\u2014\u201cwho strengthens me.\u201d\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMarriage is not just two physical human beings. It is a true reality that we are spiritual beings made in the image of God. In these moments\u2014like you are facing in your family\u2014you have to learn what it means to be a follower of Christ and allow Him to live His life in and through you. And I\u2019m going to promise you something: \u201cThese are not just words in a book called the Bible\u2014these are reality \/\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014back to what you said\u2014\u201cthese are the truth.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sarah: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cYou have to embrace the truth and live it out.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; and what you\u2019ve done in this book is\u2014you have talked very candidly about the challenges and the trials you\u2019ve faced. I think, in the process, you are offering young wives and young moms a picture of how you do this\u2014what happens when trials come \/ how you learn to find Jesus in the midst of the challenges you\u2019re going through. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of Sarah Parshall Perry\u2019s book, <em>Sand in My Sandwich: And Other Motherhood Messes I\u2019m Learning to Love<\/em>. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com to request your copy of the book. You can order online if you\u2019d like, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and order by phone. So, again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. You can, also, get in touch with us when you call 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I heard last week we had a number of listeners who downloaded the brand-new FamilyLife app. If you haven\u2019t done it yet, it\u2019s free. Go to the app store for your android, or your iOS phone, or for your tablet; and you can download the free app. Just type the word, \u201cFamilyLife,\u201d into the search box\u2014and make sure it\u2019s one word \/ no space between Family and Life\u2014and that\u2019ll pull up our new app. Again, it\u2019s free. It gives you instant access to today\u2019s program each day and our library of thousands of past <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> programs as well as other content. Again, it\u2019s free. And if you have any trouble finding it in the app store, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on how you can get the app. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, do you know what was happening a year ago today?\u00a0 Well, Vernelius and Victoria Hendricks, who live in Decatur, Alabama, remember because it was one year ago today that they got married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is their first wedding anniversary. We just wanted to pop in here and say: \u201cHappy anniversary!\u201d to the Hendricks. \u201cThanks for listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and we\u2019re cheering you guys all the way to the finish line. We want to be here to provide you with ongoing hope and help for your marriage and your family.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we want to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who help make all of this possible, as sponsors of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014those of you who are Legacy Partners \/ those of you who donate from time to time. We\u2019re grateful for your financial support of this ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, if you can make a donation today, we\u2019d like to show our thanks by sending you a copy of Barbara Rainey\u2019s new book, <em>Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife<\/em>. It\u2019s our thank-you gift when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com \/ make an online donation; or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY \/ make a donation over the phone; or when you mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about some of the challenges that parents face, as we raise our kids, and how being a mom with kids who have needs can be a challenge\u2014especially, if you have a control obsession, which is what Sarah Parshall Perry says she has. I hope you\u2019ll be back tomorrow as we talk with her about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303968","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303968"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303968"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303968"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303968"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303968"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303968"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303968"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}