{"id":303952,"date":"2016-04-12T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-04-12T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-effects-of-fear\/"},"modified":"2016-04-12T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2016-04-12T15:00:00","slug":"the-effects-of-fear","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-effects-of-fear\/","title":{"rendered":"The Effects of Fear"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Fear is one of the core things that gets families\u00a0&#8220;stuck.&#8221; Ron Deal tells couples how to break out of the fear cycle, and rest in the sovereignty and power of God.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-12.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"26.2M","filesize_raw":"27472914","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10444,2862],"tags":[4584,4182,4251],"podcast_series":[8136],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303952","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-advice","category-understanding-differences","tag-fear","tag-humility","tag-pride","podcast_series-fear-factor","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303952\/the-effects-of-fear","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303952\/the-effects-of-fear","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"EDbg0jx7Mt\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-effects-of-fear\/\">The Effects of Fear<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-effects-of-fear\/embed\/#?secret=EDbg0jx7Mt\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Effects of Fear&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"EDbg0jx7Mt\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-12.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-12.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is fear an issue in your life, in your marriage, or in your family? If it is, what do you do about it? Here\u2019s Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Three hundred and sixty-five times in the Bible, God says, \u201cDo not be afraid.\u201d In some form or fashion, that statement is made. He invites us to not be afraid. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIsn\u2019t that easy to say? It\u2019s so hard to do; right? Has your four-year-old ever come to you in the middle of the night, after having a nightmare, and they are bawling and squalling and you said, \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid,\u201d and it works? NO! It doesn\u2019t work! We\u2019re not that much different than four-year-olds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 12<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. What is God\u2019s antidote for fear? How do we deal with it? We\u2019ll spend time exploring that today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to dive into a subject today that I don\u2019t know that I\u2019ve ever stopped to consider the impact that fears can have on how we get along with one another in a family and especially how that pervades a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. You\u2019re going to hear from one of the premier experts in the country\u2014if not the world\u2014on blended families and stepfamilies, Ron Deal, who heads up FamilyLife Blended\u2122. Bob, it\u2019s really a treat to be able to feature Ron here on the broadcast because about 40 percent of all people getting married today are forming a blended family \/ a stepfamily. Honestly, they\u2019re really an unreached people group. I don\u2019t think the church knows exactly how to go about helping them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we tend to think all stepfamilies \/ blended families start because of a divorce, but they can actually be started more than 60 different ways. As a result, they have a lot of challenges; and fear is one of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because there is uniqueness in blended families and stepfamilies, FamilyLife has committed itself, over the last three years, to trying to take the lead in helping churches know how to more effectively minister to the needs of blended families. We\u2019ve hosted an event that has been a summit on stepfamily ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this fall, we will be hosting our fourth annual event in Colorado Springs. Our friends at Focus on the Family are partnering with us in this event. We\u2019re inviting church leaders in to spend time talking about: \u201cWhat can we do to help make sure that couples who are in a stepfamily can thrive and make sure that the marriage that they have formed is the last marriage they\u2019re ever in?\u201d If you would like more information on the upcoming summit on stepfamily ministry, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. We have a link there that will get you all the information you need. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s listen together, here, to Ron Deal as he addresses how families can face the fears that are often found in stepfamilies or blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I want to try to take a deep dive on an important subject. I think the fear factor, as I like to call it, is important to all couple relationships \/ all family relationships. I think it\u2019s exceedingly important when it comes to stepfamily relationships. This isn\u2019t necessarily something that <em>only <\/em>applies to stepfamilies\u2014don\u2019t think about it that way. Just think that there can be a heightened sense of fear, and there are some good reasons for that that we\u2019ll talk about. There can be deeply-entrenched fears\u2014this is the thing \/ not the only thing\u2014but one of those core things that makes families stuck. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAfter lots of years of working at this and talking to researchers, there\u2019s a group of us, around the country, that have come upon this thing we just call the \u201cfear factor.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to describe for you what the fear factor is and then try and give you some practical things you can do to help yourself move through this thing that we simply call fear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just fear\u2014it\u2019s multi-layered <em>entrenched<\/em> fear. When you\u2019re sitting in a small group with a couple, and week after week, they\u2019re coming back to the same thing\u2014it\u2019s the same thing \/ it\u2019s the same thing. Everybody else has captured the thoughts that you\u2019ve been talking about and teaching them, and they\u2019re moving on; but this one couple is just stuck, stuck, stuck. Ask yourself: \u201cI wonder what the fears are. What\u2019s underneath this thing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI work off the \u201chealth principle\u201d as a counselor, which means that I just have an assumption; and that is, that the most straightforward thing will work unless it doesn\u2019t. [Laughter] If it doesn\u2019t, then that\u2019s my cue that there\u2019s something else going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you go into the doctor and you\u2019re not feeling well\u2014you wake up one day, and you\u2019re not feeling real well, you have sniffles. You go in and you\u2019re thinking: \u201cI\u2019ve got a cold,\u201d\u2014 right?\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cAbout three days, four days, five days it\u2019s going to go away.\u201d It\u2019s a pain, and you wrestle though it a little bit; but it goes away. But what if it doesn\u2019t go away? Well, if it doesn\u2019t go away, now you\u2019re thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got something else.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou see\u2014that\u2019s the health principle\u2014the most straightforward straight approach should work unless there\u2019s something else going on that you can\u2019t quite see\u2014then, you being to explore further, and a little further, and a little further. I\u2019m just saying what I\u2019ve learned is\u2014that we can cut right to the chase: \u201cWhat are the fears?\u201d\u2014because that is the thing that keeps people stuck \/ that makes the things that should work not work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo consider these two quotes said by a woman one day: \u201cI asked my husband not to get any more tattoos. The one he has is his ex-wife\u2019s name. But as soon as we separated, because of his children, he had his daughters\u2019 names tattooed over his heart.\u201d Tell me what her fears might be. What do you hear in that statement? Shout out something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>She\u2019s not number one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> She\u2019s not number one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>She\u2019s out of the picture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>She\u2019s out of the picture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>Not important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Not important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>Not worth the ink. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Not worth the ink! Dude! [Laughter] That was awesome\u2014not worth the ink. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay; listen to her request: \u201cI asked my husband not to get any more tattoos. The one he has is his ex-wife\u2019s.\u201d Okay; so there\u2019s this ever-present reminder that: \u201cI\u2019m not the first love of his life. I\u2019m the second love of his life,\u201d\u2014and it\u2019s just always there\u2014\u201cSo please don\u2019t do that\u2014it just creates a little barrier for me. What that says is: \u2018I\u2019m not number one.\u2019 Am I important?\u201d My guess is she wouldn\u2019t have this burning need to ask him not to have any more tattoos if it was just about the one he has, but maybe that she was feeling unimportant in the relationship and the ink reminded her of that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThen we have issues regarding his kids, and that divides us,\u201d and \u201cSure enough, when we have a period of separation, he goes out and gets another tattoo; and it\u2019s of his kids, right over his heart.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe\u2019s hearing messages loud and clear over, and over, and over again. They\u2019re the ones that you guys put words on: \u201cYou\u2019re not number one,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not very important,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not worth the ink.\u201d They all result in one thing: \u201cI desire to be important, but I fear that I\u2019m not.\u201d Got it?\u2014fundamentally, that\u2019s what this is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, this is not about who\u2019s right and who\u2019s wrong. This is about emotion. Emotion is the music that drives the dance. Now from a biblical\/theological standpoint, God is constantly trying to help us be smarter than our emotions, be wiser than our emotions, not be subject to our emotions\u2014that, out of choice of surrender and sacrifice, we love, whether it makes any sense or not. There\u2019s always this tension between what our emotions are moving us to do and what the will of God would invite us to choose to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s always that tension in that place; but most of us live, day in and day out, with the music of the emotions in our lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDoes Scripture have anything to say about this? Yes; 365 times in the Bible God says, \u201cDo not be afraid.\u201d In some form or fashion, that statement is made. He invites us to not be afraid. You think of Jesus, sitting in the boat when the winds and the waves: \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIsn\u2019t that easy to say? It\u2019s so hard to do; right? Has your four-year-old ever come to you in the night, after having a nightmare, and they are bawling and squalling and you said, \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid,\u201d and it works? NO! It doesn\u2019t work! We\u2019re not that much different than four-year-olds\u2014I hate to say it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo Scripture says there\u2019s no fear in love. Let\u2019s listen to this little dialogue: \u201c\u2026but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love [1 John 4:18].\u201d The context of this is about our relationship with God: \u201cLove drives out fear.\u201d When we move toward someone in selfless love and they receive that selfless love\u2014there are two sides of it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014fear is driven out of the relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe context here is people, who are looking at themselves, going: \u201cI am such a mess, and God is so holy. There\u2019s no way He\u2019s going to have anything to do with me. There\u2019s no way He would embrace us.\u201d Rightfully so\u2014they\u2019re intimidated. They are fearful about moving toward Him because of His holiness. The passage is saying: \u201cYes; but if you really knew how much He loved you, you wouldn\u2019t worry about that because you would understand that His love, moving toward you, just moves aside your fear. When you lay it aside and just rest\u2014fall into His arms \/ just embrace His grace\u2014then, all of a sudden, you\u2019re not worried about the whole sinless-God-holy\/you-mess thing. It\u2019s just somehow okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, in human relationships, I think that same thing <em>can<\/em> work, except I\u2019m not loving a perfect person\u2014God is\u2014but my wife isn\u2019t, and I\u2019m not. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we love each other imperfectly. That always kind of stirs the fear just a little \/ sometimes, a lot. But if we could figure out ways of putting the fear aside, we could do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you guys know me well enough to know that stepfamilies have lots of complexity that brings stress. Stress thickens blood; right? Why does it thicken blood? Well, in a marriage relationship, dealing with kids\u2014so for example: \u201cThe complexity of dealing with our children, and parenting, and step-parenting, we get divided. You see it this way, and I see it this way; and we don\u2019t agree. We end up on opposite sides. Because we\u2019re on opposite sides, I\u2019m now fearful that you\u2019re prizing your kids more than me. I feel unloved, unwanted, and not number one. I\u2019m not as important as I would like to be, and my desires are not being met. When my desires are not met, my fear goes up. So now, I feel like we\u2019re not together\u2014that it\u2019s you and your kid against me,\u201d\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat complexity creates stress in our relationships. That stress causes me to pull away \/ it thickens bloodlines. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are trying \u201c\u2026the triumph of hope over experience,\u201d\u2014that was a statement made by a guy 200 years ago\u2014he said: \u201cRemarriage is the triumph of hope over experience.\u201d Life has taught you marriage doesn\u2019t always work out, but hope lives on: \u201cSo let\u2019s go another round\/ let\u2019s give it another shot.\u201d So you jump in there with great hopefulness and expectation. Sometimes, it goes beautifully; and sometimes, there\u2019s some hidden struggles there you just didn\u2019t know about. So that\u2019s kind of paving the way to you getting started; but then there\u2019s these competing attachments\u2014\u201cyour commitment to your child versus your commitment to me. Those two things sometimes compete with one another and that creates stress between us.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAttachment Injuries\u201d is a big term, meaning: \u201cI\u2019ve been hurt before. Somebody turned and walked away in the first marriage, and that\u2019s left a residue of hurt on my heart\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201ca residue of distrust about relationships and: \u2018Why would I want to invest myself fully in you the way I did them because they left me? How do I know you won\u2019t?\u2019\u201d Then there\u2019s that loss of the past\u2014and heartache and difficulty\u2014not just your loss\u2014but your kids\u2019 loss \/ the other people around you that are invested. All of that is going on all while you have the intent of becoming a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo your desire\u2014here is the cousin of fear; right?\u2014let me say it this way: \u201cIf on one side of the coin is fear, on the other side of the coin is desire \/ my desire is that we come together. My desire is that we have a bonded marriage that is tight, and strong, and committed, and lovely, and we serve one another, and it\u2019s safe.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut my desires are not quite being met\u2014because of the stress, because of the complexity, because of the injuries, because of my doubts, because of my fears\u2014and it\u2019s leading us to pull in the other direction. What does James say? \u201cWhy do you have arguments? Because your desires are not being fulfilled, and then you go about trying to make it all happen the way you want it to happen [paraphrase of James 4:1-3].\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo desire is a good thing; but when we don\u2019t get our desires met, fear is the thing that just comes along and gets in the way of everything else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s a question: \u201cWhen our desires are not met and fear comes, what do we do with it?\u201d I remember that season when we had three kids under the age of five; and we weren\u2019t having sex because my wife was exhausted\u2014working all day, taking care of kids. I would come home\u2014\u201cI\u2019m a mom blob. That\u2019s all I am.\u201d She said: \u201cI\u2019m a mom blob. They\u2019re <em>sucking<\/em> the life out of me. I\u2019ve got nothing left.\u201d [Laughter] I had this little whiny thing going on in the background; and it was: \u201cI\u2019ve lost my lover \/ my friend. She has no energy.\u201d So I fussed, I pleaded, I pointed [whining like a baby]. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn your marriage, who\u2019s the baby? You both <em>are<\/em>\u2014I am too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, how <em>you<\/em> plead, and how <em>you<\/em> whine, and how <em>you<\/em> fuss is different than mine; but it\u2019s the same thing: \u201cI feel detached. I feel left out. I feel you\u2019re not responding. This is not safe\u2014this thing with us right now is not safe. I need some help here! Where are you?\u201d So we whine and we fuss: \u201cI could use a little help around here,\u201d \u201cHow come you always choose their side instead of mine?\u201d \u201cHow come you\u2019re never with me?\u201d \u201cHow come you say you\u2019re going to follow through with this parenting thing and you\u2019re not there?\u201d That\u2019s whining and that\u2019s fussing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s being a baby\u2014we all do it! We do it with God: \u201cGod, we prayed! Why didn\u2019t You show up?\u201d \u201cGod, we sought Your face,\u201d \u201cGod, we tithed our money; and then my spouse just leaves,\u201d \u201c\u2026then the cancer comes,\u201d \u201cHello! Do You not care?\u201d See, we whine \/ we complain. Our behavior is driven by the emotion of fear: \u201cI\u2019m afraid I\u2019ve lost You.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn your marriage, who\u2019s the parent? You both <em>are<\/em> because there are times when you\u2019re responsive to one another\u2014you\u2019re very in tune, you\u2019re attending to one another, you care deeply, and you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re caring, and you\u2019re checking in with one another, and you\u2019re communicating about life\u2014you\u2019re engaged. You\u2019re the parent who\u2019s engaged. Sometimes you go still-faced\u2014you\u2019ve got other things on your mind, work\u2019s a hassle, you\u2019re stressed. You see\u2014we\u2019re all the baby, and we are all the parent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe trick is: \u201cDoes fussing get us to where we want to be? Does fussing help things; or in general, does it make things worse?\u201d Generally, it makes things worse. Let\u2019s do a little case study. One of the things this guy does is\u2014he defends himself. That\u2019s a form of fussing and pleading\u2014it\u2019s defending: \u201cNo you don\u2019t understand me. I need to help you understand me,\u201d\u2014so we argue. I love this \/ I do this\u2014I\u2019m a master at defensiveness\u2014it\u2019s one of my little fussing things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if my wife has an opinion about me \/ she thinks something about me, I really want to argue her into liking me: \u201cYou know, you don\u2019t understand. No, really, it\u2019s not like that. It\u2019s really was\u2026\u201d \u201cIf you\u2019d have known what I was thinking when I did what I did, then you wouldn\u2019t be thinking this about me.\u201d So I\u2019m <em>arguing<\/em> with her, which is <em>stupid<\/em>; right? She\u2019s feeling one thing, but I\u2019m trying to <em>change<\/em> her feeling so she\u2019ll like me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber one\u2014that\u2019s an idol \/ it\u2019s a form of fussing: \u201cI\u2019m afraid you don\u2019t like me right now so I\u2019m going to argue with you.\u201d See how that works? Fear is driving my behavior; okay? So he argues, crosses his arms, withdraws emotionally when they get in conflict with one another, and he kind of shuts down and backs away\u2014a lot of us guys do that \/ I\u2019m pretty good at that myself. Pursues sex \u2014one of the things\u2014it\u2019s a nice fix for us, men, is\u2014if we can have you, <em>sexually<\/em>, then we feel like we have you again\u2014it\u2019s all good. Now, I\u2019m not saying <em>all <\/em>of sex is like that; but especially when there\u2019s tension in the relationship. That\u2019s <em>one<\/em> way to kind of know we\u2019re okay\u2014is if I have you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, she adds her fussing too \/ she\u2019s a baby too. She complains: \u201cWhere are you? What are you doing?\u201d \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you thinking?\u201d \u201cHow come you never talk to me? I always share with you about my day. Why don\u2019t you ever tell me about your day?\u201d Why is she doing that? Why is she complaining?\u2014because the baby\u2019s feeling detached. The baby\u2019s desire is to be connected but not feeling that, for whatever reason\u2014so we fuss; coaches him: \u201cWhat you can do differently\u201d; withdraws sexually but pursues the problem conversationally: \u201cIf we can talk about the problem and resolve it, because talk is how I know I have you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNotice there\u2019s two very different strategies there between men and women. He\u2019s pursuing the physical to know \u201cI have you.\u201d She\u2019s pursuing the verbal to know \u201cI have you.\u201d In this case, they have the same purpose behind them; but the other is not open to receiving what you\u2019re looking for\u2014that\u2019s a problem! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019ve got to know what\u2019s behind this. It\u2019s not that he\u2019s just being a jerk or she\u2019s being a jerk for no particular reason; it\u2019s because they have some fear that\u2019s driving it. In fact, we can map it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we can say, \u201cWhat\u2019s driving him to be this way?\u201d Well, he feels a little controlled when he\u2019s lost her approval \/ when she says: \u201cYou\u2019re inadequate. Why didn\u2019t you do such and such?\u201d \u201cHow come you didn\u2019t follow through with Johnny?\u201d \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you\u2026\u201d\u2014whatever that is\u2014he feels inadequate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe last thing he wants, ladies, is for you to believe that he\u2019s inadequate. That is [whew!] one of our biggest fears. So he then argues with you so you\u2019ll not think he\u2019s inadequate. Well, there are some reasons she\u2019s being who she is\u2014she\u2019s feeling unimportant, detached, lonely\u2014so then she coaches him: \u201cYou know, if we spend a little bit more time together...\u201d \u201cYou know, if you would go for a walk with me, then we could have a little more conversation; and I wouldn\u2019t feel detached from you anymore.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you go, \u201cWell, of course! She\u2019s being that person because she really just wants to connect with him.\u201d Hear the desire?\u2014her desires are not being met, so fear takes over. She begins to act out of her fear instead of acting out of her desire. It leads her to be that person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, that\u2019s an unattractive person. If you were to pin her down and say, \u201cIs this who you are?\u201d She\u2019d say: \u201cNo, I don\u2019t even <em>like<\/em> being fussy like that. I don\u2019t want to coach him and try to get him to do stuff for me. I don\u2019t want to do any of that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, you don\u2019t <em>want<\/em> to be that person because it\u2019s just that you feel like you have to because the fear is driving you to be that person. Same thing\u2019s true of him. They\u2019ve just become people they really don\u2019t want to be. But of course, you fill in the gaps; and of course, you look at it and you go: \u201cOhhh; yes. She feels unimportant so she coaches him. His word for that is \u2018controls\u2019 him. That taps into his fear button that she\u2019s going to try and be his momma and tell him how to be a man. That ain\u2019t working; so he\u2019s going to argue with her and tell her to \u2018Back off!\u2019 and \u2018You don\u2019t tell me\u2026\u2019 and \u2018What right do you have?\u2019\u201d But when he does that, he\u2019s shutting her down; right? \/ she is trying to communicate: \u201cI need\u2026\u201d \u201cI need...\u201d but he\u2019s going: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cNo you don\u2019t! No you don\u2019t!\u201d which makes her feel unimportant and unsupported. So she does a little more of that, and he does a little more of that, and\u2014are you with me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have this wonderful vicious cycle that we like to just simply call the fear dance. The irony is\u2014the irony is that love and desire is what\u2019s really at play. That\u2019s <em>really<\/em> what they\u2019re\u2014they love each other like <em>crazy<\/em>. They\u2019re trying to <em>find<\/em> each other, but fear makes them become people who are not really helpful people. Simultaneously, they\u2019re being the baby and the parent to the other. What a mess! This is where people will get stuck\u2014doing the same thing over and over again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal with the first part of a message on fears in a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis fear dance that he\u2019s talking about\u2014I\u2019m thinking to myself, \u201cThat can happen in any marriage \/ in any family. It doesn\u2019t take a blended or a stepfamily for that to be a factor\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It can be exacerbated there; but you\u2019re right, Bob. There\u2019s no question about it. The thing I like about how Ron Deal handles these issues is\u2014he takes us back to the Scriptures and equips us in knowing how best to react and respond to our spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019d like to do is just to invite listeners to join us at the 2016 Summit on Stepfamily Ministries, September 29 and 30, in Colorado Springs. We\u2019re going to be at Focus on the Family\u2014they\u2019re co-hosting this with us. I hope folks will come; and I hope people, who are interested in having a stepfamily ministry in and through their local\u00a0 church \/ in their community, will come and meet some of the finest folks from all around the country, who\u2019ve been doing this for decades, but there\u2019s not been a place to go where they can share best practices. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s going to happen here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, this is really for anybody who has a heart to see blended families working well and how the local church can help make that happen. The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happens September 29 and 30 in Colorado Springs as we\u2019ve said. You can find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link we\u2019ve included there for the stepfamily summit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. We also have copies of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>\u2014that\u2019s in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order that book from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to request your copy of the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, if you have been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> in Western Michigan over the last 20 years, chances are you have run into Chris and Ruth Rose because they have been\u2014between 1993 and 2015, they have attended 15 <em>Weekend<\/em>s <em>to<\/em> <em>Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday, they are celebrating their 31<sup>st<\/sup> wedding anniversary. \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Roses. Fifteen <em>Weekends<\/em> <em>to<\/em> <em>Remember<\/em>\u2014<em>that\u2019s<\/em> how you maintain a marriage \/ that kind of regular marriage maintenance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hear about stuff like that\u2014we get excited. We\u2019re <em>really<\/em> excited about couples who are persevering and going the distance in marriage and figuring out how to make it work. At <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, our mission is to provide you with practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and for your family for every step of your journey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who join us in that mission as Legacy Partners, giving each month to support this ministry, or those of you who will, from time to time, make a donation in support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Right now, if you can help with a donation, we\u2019d like to send you a copy of Barbara Rainey\u2019s brand-new book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. It\u2019s our thank-you gift to you when you support the ministry with a donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com to donate online; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate over the phone; or you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019re going to be back to hear from Ron Deal about the relationship between fear and pride. Hope you can tune in tomorrow as we continue talking about the fear factor in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with help today from Mark Ramey. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.2M"],"filesize_raw":["27472914"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303952.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303952.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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is one of the core things that gets families\u00a0\"stuck.\" Ron Deal tells couples how to break out of the fear cycle, and rest in the sovereignty and power of God.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-04-12.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is fear an issue in your life, in your marriage, or in your family? If it is, what do you do about it? Here\u2019s Ron Deal.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Three hundred and sixty-five times in the Bible, God says, \u201cDo not be afraid.\u201d In some form or fashion, that statement is made. He invites us to not be afraid. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIsn\u2019t that easy to say? It\u2019s so hard to do; right? Has your four-year-old ever come to you in the middle of the night, after having a nightmare, and they are bawling and squalling and you said, \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid,\u201d and it works? NO! It doesn\u2019t work! We\u2019re not that much different than four-year-olds.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, April 12<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. What is God\u2019s antidote for fear? How do we deal with it? We\u2019ll spend time exploring that today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to dive into a subject today that I don\u2019t know that I\u2019ve ever stopped to consider the impact that fears can have on how we get along with one another in a family and especially how that pervades a blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. You\u2019re going to hear from one of the premier experts in the country\u2014if not the world\u2014on blended families and stepfamilies, Ron Deal, who heads up FamilyLife Blended\u2122. Bob, it\u2019s really a treat to be able to feature Ron here on the broadcast because about 40 percent of all people getting married today are forming a blended family \/ a stepfamily. Honestly, they\u2019re really an unreached people group. I don\u2019t think the church knows exactly how to go about helping them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we tend to think all stepfamilies \/ blended families start because of a divorce, but they can actually be started more than 60 different ways. As a result, they have a lot of challenges; and fear is one of them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because there is uniqueness in blended families and stepfamilies, FamilyLife has committed itself, over the last three years, to trying to take the lead in helping churches know how to more effectively minister to the needs of blended families. We\u2019ve hosted an event that has been a summit on stepfamily ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, this fall, we will be hosting our fourth annual event in Colorado Springs. Our friends at Focus on the Family are partnering with us in this event. We\u2019re inviting church leaders in to spend time talking about: \u201cWhat can we do to help make sure that couples who are in a stepfamily can thrive and make sure that the marriage that they have formed is the last marriage they\u2019re ever in?\u201d If you would like more information on the upcoming summit on stepfamily ministry, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. We have a link there that will get you all the information you need. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let\u2019s listen together, here, to Ron Deal as he addresses how families can face the fears that are often found in stepfamilies or blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Recorded Message]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I want to try to take a deep dive on an important subject. I think the fear factor, as I like to call it, is important to all couple relationships \/ all family relationships. I think it\u2019s exceedingly important when it comes to stepfamily relationships. This isn\u2019t necessarily something that <em>only <\/em>applies to stepfamilies\u2014don\u2019t think about it that way. Just think that there can be a heightened sense of fear, and there are some good reasons for that that we\u2019ll talk about. There can be deeply-entrenched fears\u2014this is the thing \/ not the only thing\u2014but one of those core things that makes families stuck. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAfter lots of years of working at this and talking to researchers, there\u2019s a group of us, around the country, that have come upon this thing we just call the \u201cfear factor.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to describe for you what the fear factor is and then try and give you some practical things you can do to help yourself move through this thing that we simply call fear. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not just fear\u2014it\u2019s multi-layered <em>entrenched<\/em> fear. When you\u2019re sitting in a small group with a couple, and week after week, they\u2019re coming back to the same thing\u2014it\u2019s the same thing \/ it\u2019s the same thing. Everybody else has captured the thoughts that you\u2019ve been talking about and teaching them, and they\u2019re moving on; but this one couple is just stuck, stuck, stuck. Ask yourself: \u201cI wonder what the fears are. What\u2019s underneath this thing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI work off the \u201chealth principle\u201d as a counselor, which means that I just have an assumption; and that is, that the most straightforward thing will work unless it doesn\u2019t. [Laughter] If it doesn\u2019t, then that\u2019s my cue that there\u2019s something else going on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you go into the doctor and you\u2019re not feeling well\u2014you wake up one day, and you\u2019re not feeling real well, you have sniffles. You go in and you\u2019re thinking: \u201cI\u2019ve got a cold,\u201d\u2014 right?\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cAbout three days, four days, five days it\u2019s going to go away.\u201d It\u2019s a pain, and you wrestle though it a little bit; but it goes away. But what if it doesn\u2019t go away? Well, if it doesn\u2019t go away, now you\u2019re thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got something else.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou see\u2014that\u2019s the health principle\u2014the most straightforward straight approach should work unless there\u2019s something else going on that you can\u2019t quite see\u2014then, you being to explore further, and a little further, and a little further. I\u2019m just saying what I\u2019ve learned is\u2014that we can cut right to the chase: \u201cWhat are the fears?\u201d\u2014because that is the thing that keeps people stuck \/ that makes the things that should work not work. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo consider these two quotes said by a woman one day: \u201cI asked my husband not to get any more tattoos. The one he has is his ex-wife\u2019s name. But as soon as we separated, because of his children, he had his daughters\u2019 names tattooed over his heart.\u201d Tell me what her fears might be. What do you hear in that statement? Shout out something. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>She\u2019s not number one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> She\u2019s not number one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>She\u2019s out of the picture.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>She\u2019s out of the picture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>Not important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Not important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Audience: <\/strong>Not worth the ink. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>Not worth the ink! Dude! [Laughter] That was awesome\u2014not worth the ink. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay; listen to her request: \u201cI asked my husband not to get any more tattoos. The one he has is his ex-wife\u2019s.\u201d Okay; so there\u2019s this ever-present reminder that: \u201cI\u2019m not the first love of his life. I\u2019m the second love of his life,\u201d\u2014and it\u2019s just always there\u2014\u201cSo please don\u2019t do that\u2014it just creates a little barrier for me. What that says is: \u2018I\u2019m not number one.\u2019 Am I important?\u201d My guess is she wouldn\u2019t have this burning need to ask him not to have any more tattoos if it was just about the one he has, but maybe that she was feeling unimportant in the relationship and the ink reminded her of that; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThen we have issues regarding his kids, and that divides us,\u201d and \u201cSure enough, when we have a period of separation, he goes out and gets another tattoo; and it\u2019s of his kids, right over his heart.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe\u2019s hearing messages loud and clear over, and over, and over again. They\u2019re the ones that you guys put words on: \u201cYou\u2019re not number one,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not very important,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not worth the ink.\u201d They all result in one thing: \u201cI desire to be important, but I fear that I\u2019m not.\u201d Got it?\u2014fundamentally, that\u2019s what this is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSee, this is not about who\u2019s right and who\u2019s wrong. This is about emotion. Emotion is the music that drives the dance. Now from a biblical\/theological standpoint, God is constantly trying to help us be smarter than our emotions, be wiser than our emotions, not be subject to our emotions\u2014that, out of choice of surrender and sacrifice, we love, whether it makes any sense or not. There\u2019s always this tension between what our emotions are moving us to do and what the will of God would invite us to choose to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s always that tension in that place; but most of us live, day in and day out, with the music of the emotions in our lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDoes Scripture have anything to say about this? Yes; 365 times in the Bible God says, \u201cDo not be afraid.\u201d In some form or fashion, that statement is made. He invites us to not be afraid. You think of Jesus, sitting in the boat when the winds and the waves: \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIsn\u2019t that easy to say? It\u2019s so hard to do; right? Has your four-year-old ever come to you in the night, after having a nightmare, and they are bawling and squalling and you said, \u201cDon\u2019t be afraid,\u201d and it works? NO! It doesn\u2019t work! We\u2019re not that much different than four-year-olds\u2014I hate to say it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo Scripture says there\u2019s no fear in love. Let\u2019s listen to this little dialogue: \u201c\u2026but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love [1 John 4:18].\u201d The context of this is about our relationship with God: \u201cLove drives out fear.\u201d When we move toward someone in selfless love and they receive that selfless love\u2014there are two sides of it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014fear is driven out of the relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe context here is people, who are looking at themselves, going: \u201cI am such a mess, and God is so holy. There\u2019s no way He\u2019s going to have anything to do with me. There\u2019s no way He would embrace us.\u201d Rightfully so\u2014they\u2019re intimidated. They are fearful about moving toward Him because of His holiness. The passage is saying: \u201cYes; but if you really knew how much He loved you, you wouldn\u2019t worry about that because you would understand that His love, moving toward you, just moves aside your fear. When you lay it aside and just rest\u2014fall into His arms \/ just embrace His grace\u2014then, all of a sudden, you\u2019re not worried about the whole sinless-God-holy\/you-mess thing. It\u2019s just somehow okay.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, in human relationships, I think that same thing <em>can<\/em> work, except I\u2019m not loving a perfect person\u2014God is\u2014but my wife isn\u2019t, and I\u2019m not. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we love each other imperfectly. That always kind of stirs the fear just a little \/ sometimes, a lot. But if we could figure out ways of putting the fear aside, we could do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you guys know me well enough to know that stepfamilies have lots of complexity that brings stress. Stress thickens blood; right? Why does it thicken blood? Well, in a marriage relationship, dealing with kids\u2014so for example: \u201cThe complexity of dealing with our children, and parenting, and step-parenting, we get divided. You see it this way, and I see it this way; and we don\u2019t agree. We end up on opposite sides. Because we\u2019re on opposite sides, I\u2019m now fearful that you\u2019re prizing your kids more than me. I feel unloved, unwanted, and not number one. I\u2019m not as important as I would like to be, and my desires are not being met. When my desires are not met, my fear goes up. So now, I feel like we\u2019re not together\u2014that it\u2019s you and your kid against me,\u201d\u2014right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat complexity creates stress in our relationships. That stress causes me to pull away \/ it thickens bloodlines. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are trying \u201c\u2026the triumph of hope over experience,\u201d\u2014that was a statement made by a guy 200 years ago\u2014he said: \u201cRemarriage is the triumph of hope over experience.\u201d Life has taught you marriage doesn\u2019t always work out, but hope lives on: \u201cSo let\u2019s go another round\/ let\u2019s give it another shot.\u201d So you jump in there with great hopefulness and expectation. Sometimes, it goes beautifully; and sometimes, there\u2019s some hidden struggles there you just didn\u2019t know about. So that\u2019s kind of paving the way to you getting started; but then there\u2019s these competing attachments\u2014\u201cyour commitment to your child versus your commitment to me. Those two things sometimes compete with one another and that creates stress between us.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAttachment Injuries\u201d is a big term, meaning: \u201cI\u2019ve been hurt before. Somebody turned and walked away in the first marriage, and that\u2019s left a residue of hurt on my heart\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201ca residue of distrust about relationships and: \u2018Why would I want to invest myself fully in you the way I did them because they left me? How do I know you won\u2019t?\u2019\u201d Then there\u2019s that loss of the past\u2014and heartache and difficulty\u2014not just your loss\u2014but your kids\u2019 loss \/ the other people around you that are invested. All of that is going on all while you have the intent of becoming a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo your desire\u2014here is the cousin of fear; right?\u2014let me say it this way: \u201cIf on one side of the coin is fear, on the other side of the coin is desire \/ my desire is that we come together. My desire is that we have a bonded marriage that is tight, and strong, and committed, and lovely, and we serve one another, and it\u2019s safe.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut my desires are not quite being met\u2014because of the stress, because of the complexity, because of the injuries, because of my doubts, because of my fears\u2014and it\u2019s leading us to pull in the other direction. What does James say? \u201cWhy do you have arguments? Because your desires are not being fulfilled, and then you go about trying to make it all happen the way you want it to happen [paraphrase of James 4:1-3].\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo desire is a good thing; but when we don\u2019t get our desires met, fear is the thing that just comes along and gets in the way of everything else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s a question: \u201cWhen our desires are not met and fear comes, what do we do with it?\u201d I remember that season when we had three kids under the age of five; and we weren\u2019t having sex because my wife was exhausted\u2014working all day, taking care of kids. I would come home\u2014\u201cI\u2019m a mom blob. That\u2019s all I am.\u201d She said: \u201cI\u2019m a mom blob. They\u2019re <em>sucking<\/em> the life out of me. I\u2019ve got nothing left.\u201d [Laughter] I had this little whiny thing going on in the background; and it was: \u201cI\u2019ve lost my lover \/ my friend. She has no energy.\u201d So I fussed, I pleaded, I pointed [whining like a baby]. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn your marriage, who\u2019s the baby? You both <em>are<\/em>\u2014I am too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, how <em>you<\/em> plead, and how <em>you<\/em> whine, and how <em>you<\/em> fuss is different than mine; but it\u2019s the same thing: \u201cI feel detached. I feel left out. I feel you\u2019re not responding. This is not safe\u2014this thing with us right now is not safe. I need some help here! Where are you?\u201d So we whine and we fuss: \u201cI could use a little help around here,\u201d \u201cHow come you always choose their side instead of mine?\u201d \u201cHow come you\u2019re never with me?\u201d \u201cHow come you say you\u2019re going to follow through with this parenting thing and you\u2019re not there?\u201d That\u2019s whining and that\u2019s fussing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s being a baby\u2014we all do it! We do it with God: \u201cGod, we prayed! Why didn\u2019t You show up?\u201d \u201cGod, we sought Your face,\u201d \u201cGod, we tithed our money; and then my spouse just leaves,\u201d \u201c\u2026then the cancer comes,\u201d \u201cHello! Do You not care?\u201d See, we whine \/ we complain. Our behavior is driven by the emotion of fear: \u201cI\u2019m afraid I\u2019ve lost You.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn your marriage, who\u2019s the parent? You both <em>are<\/em> because there are times when you\u2019re responsive to one another\u2014you\u2019re very in tune, you\u2019re attending to one another, you care deeply, and you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re caring, and you\u2019re checking in with one another, and you\u2019re communicating about life\u2014you\u2019re engaged. You\u2019re the parent who\u2019s engaged. Sometimes you go still-faced\u2014you\u2019ve got other things on your mind, work\u2019s a hassle, you\u2019re stressed. You see\u2014we\u2019re all the baby, and we are all the parent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe trick is: \u201cDoes fussing get us to where we want to be? Does fussing help things; or in general, does it make things worse?\u201d Generally, it makes things worse. Let\u2019s do a little case study. One of the things this guy does is\u2014he defends himself. That\u2019s a form of fussing and pleading\u2014it\u2019s defending: \u201cNo you don\u2019t understand me. I need to help you understand me,\u201d\u2014so we argue. I love this \/ I do this\u2014I\u2019m a master at defensiveness\u2014it\u2019s one of my little fussing things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if my wife has an opinion about me \/ she thinks something about me, I really want to argue her into liking me: \u201cYou know, you don\u2019t understand. No, really, it\u2019s not like that. It\u2019s really was\u2026\u201d \u201cIf you\u2019d have known what I was thinking when I did what I did, then you wouldn\u2019t be thinking this about me.\u201d So I\u2019m <em>arguing<\/em> with her, which is <em>stupid<\/em>; right? She\u2019s feeling one thing, but I\u2019m trying to <em>change<\/em> her feeling so she\u2019ll like me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber one\u2014that\u2019s an idol \/ it\u2019s a form of fussing: \u201cI\u2019m afraid you don\u2019t like me right now so I\u2019m going to argue with you.\u201d See how that works? Fear is driving my behavior; okay? So he argues, crosses his arms, withdraws emotionally when they get in conflict with one another, and he kind of shuts down and backs away\u2014a lot of us guys do that \/ I\u2019m pretty good at that myself. Pursues sex \u2014one of the things\u2014it\u2019s a nice fix for us, men, is\u2014if we can have you, <em>sexually<\/em>, then we feel like we have you again\u2014it\u2019s all good. Now, I\u2019m not saying <em>all <\/em>of sex is like that; but especially when there\u2019s tension in the relationship. That\u2019s <em>one<\/em> way to kind of know we\u2019re okay\u2014is if I have you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, she adds her fussing too \/ she\u2019s a baby too. She complains: \u201cWhere are you? What are you doing?\u201d \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you thinking?\u201d \u201cHow come you never talk to me? I always share with you about my day. Why don\u2019t you ever tell me about your day?\u201d Why is she doing that? Why is she complaining?\u2014because the baby\u2019s feeling detached. The baby\u2019s desire is to be connected but not feeling that, for whatever reason\u2014so we fuss; coaches him: \u201cWhat you can do differently\u201d; withdraws sexually but pursues the problem conversationally: \u201cIf we can talk about the problem and resolve it, because talk is how I know I have you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNotice there\u2019s two very different strategies there between men and women. He\u2019s pursuing the physical to know \u201cI have you.\u201d She\u2019s pursuing the verbal to know \u201cI have you.\u201d In this case, they have the same purpose behind them; but the other is not open to receiving what you\u2019re looking for\u2014that\u2019s a problem! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, we\u2019ve got to know what\u2019s behind this. It\u2019s not that he\u2019s just being a jerk or she\u2019s being a jerk for no particular reason; it\u2019s because they have some fear that\u2019s driving it. In fact, we can map it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014we can say, \u201cWhat\u2019s driving him to be this way?\u201d Well, he feels a little controlled when he\u2019s lost her approval \/ when she says: \u201cYou\u2019re inadequate. Why didn\u2019t you do such and such?\u201d \u201cHow come you didn\u2019t follow through with Johnny?\u201d \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you\u2026\u201d\u2014whatever that is\u2014he feels inadequate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe last thing he wants, ladies, is for you to believe that he\u2019s inadequate. That is [whew!] one of our biggest fears. So he then argues with you so you\u2019ll not think he\u2019s inadequate. Well, there are some reasons she\u2019s being who she is\u2014she\u2019s feeling unimportant, detached, lonely\u2014so then she coaches him: \u201cYou know, if we spend a little bit more time together...\u201d \u201cYou know, if you would go for a walk with me, then we could have a little more conversation; and I wouldn\u2019t feel detached from you anymore.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, you go, \u201cWell, of course! She\u2019s being that person because she really just wants to connect with him.\u201d Hear the desire?\u2014her desires are not being met, so fear takes over. She begins to act out of her fear instead of acting out of her desire. It leads her to be that person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, that\u2019s an unattractive person. If you were to pin her down and say, \u201cIs this who you are?\u201d She\u2019d say: \u201cNo, I don\u2019t even <em>like<\/em> being fussy like that. I don\u2019t want to coach him and try to get him to do stuff for me. I don\u2019t want to do any of that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, you don\u2019t <em>want<\/em> to be that person because it\u2019s just that you feel like you have to because the fear is driving you to be that person. Same thing\u2019s true of him. They\u2019ve just become people they really don\u2019t want to be. But of course, you fill in the gaps; and of course, you look at it and you go: \u201cOhhh; yes. She feels unimportant so she coaches him. His word for that is \u2018controls\u2019 him. That taps into his fear button that she\u2019s going to try and be his momma and tell him how to be a man. That ain\u2019t working; so he\u2019s going to argue with her and tell her to \u2018Back off!\u2019 and \u2018You don\u2019t tell me\u2026\u2019 and \u2018What right do you have?\u2019\u201d But when he does that, he\u2019s shutting her down; right? \/ she is trying to communicate: \u201cI need\u2026\u201d \u201cI need...\u201d but he\u2019s going: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cNo you don\u2019t! No you don\u2019t!\u201d which makes her feel unimportant and unsupported. So she does a little more of that, and he does a little more of that, and\u2014are you with me?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have this wonderful vicious cycle that we like to just simply call the fear dance. The irony is\u2014the irony is that love and desire is what\u2019s really at play. That\u2019s <em>really<\/em> what they\u2019re\u2014they love each other like <em>crazy<\/em>. They\u2019re trying to <em>find<\/em> each other, but fear makes them become people who are not really helpful people. Simultaneously, they\u2019re being the baby and the parent to the other. What a mess! This is where people will get stuck\u2014doing the same thing over and over again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal with the first part of a message on fears in a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis fear dance that he\u2019s talking about\u2014I\u2019m thinking to myself, \u201cThat can happen in any marriage \/ in any family. It doesn\u2019t take a blended or a stepfamily for that to be a factor\u201d; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It can be exacerbated there; but you\u2019re right, Bob. There\u2019s no question about it. The thing I like about how Ron Deal handles these issues is\u2014he takes us back to the Scriptures and equips us in knowing how best to react and respond to our spouse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I\u2019d like to do is just to invite listeners to join us at the 2016 Summit on Stepfamily Ministries, September 29 and 30, in Colorado Springs. We\u2019re going to be at Focus on the Family\u2014they\u2019re co-hosting this with us. I hope folks will come; and I hope people, who are interested in having a stepfamily ministry in and through their local\u00a0 church \/ in their community, will come and meet some of the finest folks from all around the country, who\u2019ve been doing this for decades, but there\u2019s not been a place to go where they can share best practices. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s going to happen here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, this is really for anybody who has a heart to see blended families working well and how the local church can help make that happen. The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happens September 29 and 30 in Colorado Springs as we\u2019ve said. You can find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link we\u2019ve included there for the stepfamily summit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com. We also have copies of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>\u2014that\u2019s in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can order that book from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to request your copy of the book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, if you have been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> in Western Michigan over the last 20 years, chances are you have run into Chris and Ruth Rose because they have been\u2014between 1993 and 2015, they have attended 15 <em>Weekend<\/em>s <em>to<\/em> <em>Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday, they are celebrating their 31<sup>st<\/sup> wedding anniversary. \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Roses. Fifteen <em>Weekends<\/em> <em>to<\/em> <em>Remember<\/em>\u2014<em>that\u2019s<\/em> how you maintain a marriage \/ that kind of regular marriage maintenance. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe hear about stuff like that\u2014we get excited. We\u2019re <em>really<\/em> excited about couples who are persevering and going the distance in marriage and figuring out how to make it work. At <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, our mission is to provide you with practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and for your family for every step of your journey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe appreciate those of you who join us in that mission as Legacy Partners, giving each month to support this ministry, or those of you who will, from time to time, make a donation in support of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Right now, if you can help with a donation, we\u2019d like to send you a copy of Barbara Rainey\u2019s brand-new book, <em>Letters to My Daughters<\/em>. It\u2019s our thank-you gift to you when you support the ministry with a donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com to donate online; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate over the phone; or you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTomorrow, we\u2019re going to be back to hear from Ron Deal about the relationship between fear and pride. Hope you can tune in tomorrow as we continue talking about the fear factor in marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with help today from Mark Ramey. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303952","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303952"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303952"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303952"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303952"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303952"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303952"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303952"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}