{"id":303906,"date":"2016-03-11T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-03-11T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/blending-hearts-and-homes\/"},"modified":"2016-03-11T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2016-03-11T17:00:00","slug":"blending-hearts-and-homes","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-hearts-and-homes\/","title":{"rendered":"Blending Hearts and Homes"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Gil and Brenda Stuart share how they experienced the pains and joys of remarriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-03-11.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"28.35M","filesize_raw":"29728955","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2859,2882,10444,2912],"tags":[2560],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9421],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303906","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-and-preparing-for-marriage","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-marriage-advice","category-stepfamily-ministry","tag-blended-families","cwp_profile-gil-and-brenda-stuart","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303906\/blending-hearts-and-homes","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303906\/blending-hearts-and-homes","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"UUiP7zQ9O3\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-hearts-and-homes\/\">Blending Hearts and Homes<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-hearts-and-homes\/embed\/#?secret=UUiP7zQ9O3\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Blending Hearts and Homes&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"UUiP7zQ9O3\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-03-11.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-03-11.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Years after his first marriage ended, Gil Stuart proposed to a woman he met at church\u2014another person who had been through a divorce. The two of them set a date to get married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>My children didn\u2019t show up to the wedding. Two of them were close; but right at the last minute, they didn\u2019t come. One by one\u2014as we continued to just stay the course, one by one, they came back\u2014my kids\u2014and apologized, with tears, saying: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dad. I should have been there.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, March 11<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of reasons why blending a family is tough to do. We\u2019ll talk to Gil and Brenda Stuart about some of the challenges they\u2019ve faced today. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. This is always fun for us. We rarely get to do a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> program with a studio audience; but today, we have one because we\u2019re onboard the 2016 <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise. [Applause]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>A lot of fun\u2014a lot of fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, it is a lot of fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We\u2019ve got one of the resources that we have featured here on the cruise. As you know, Bob, we\u2019ve got all kinds of optional seminars as well as messages given. In fact, Gil and Brenda Stuart, earlier this week, led a session for blended families. You give leadership to a ministry called Restored and Remarried. You guys are from the Northwest. You have seven children between you, and you\u2019ve been married 13 years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, you always wonder: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhere do you start as you talk about a remarried situation because there are so many different ways blended families are formed?\u201d\u00a0 But there are a lot of them being formed today. Comment on that, if you would, please before you tell us your story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Well, I think whether you come into a remarriage because of a divorce or the death of a spouse\u2014the common denominator is the pain that we all share through that experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And today, over 40 percent of all marriages taking place in our country involve a blended family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Gil, there is a sense of loss, of grief \/ sometimes, shame that comes with all of that. When that\u2019s the seed bed for a new relationship to be formed in, you\u2019re starting with some rocky soil that there are going to be some issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Rocky soil with lots of weeds and lots of debris. There is a lot of brokenness that comes with the beginnings of a remarriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, there is a lot of joy; but typically, there\u2019s a lot of pain with the \u201cI do\u2019s\u201d and the \u201cI will\u2019s\u201d and so forth. So, yes; and I think even one of the things we mentioned during the breakout session was to make room for the grief, not only for the couple, but for the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Your first marriage ended after you\u2019d been married for how many years?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Twenty-four years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And what can you share about the circumstances that brought it to an end?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Well, my first wife and I were married for 24 years. We had four children\u2014three boys and a girl. And a lot of pain\u201420 of the years were really amazing. We were involved with youth ministry, and short-term missions, and so forth; but about year 20 and even year 16, there were some challenges \/ some degree of infidelity. About year 20, there was a really big change toward some choices that were being made\u2014really blew me out of the water. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019d gone through all the right steps with the counselors, the pastors, and all that; but there was a choice that happened that I couldn\u2019t reverse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that she made a choice \/ that it was like: \u201cI can\u2019t bring you back. You\u2019ve got to be all-in, or I can\u2019t move forward with it.\u201d\u00a0 So, yes; dizzy, disorientated, surreal\u2014would be what I would call it. I was like\u2014I could not believe what was going on in front of my very eyes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>How old were your kids when this was happening, and what was the impact on them?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>The youngest was, probably, nine \/ ten years of age\u2014the oldest was nineteen \/ twenty\u2014because the oldest\u2014between the oldest and the youngest was ten years\u2019 difference. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think\u2014to those of us who haven\u2019t experienced either the death of a spouse \/ divorce\u2014again, the many ways that a blended family is formed\u2014we really don\u2019t know how to relate to a family that\u2019s blended. Frankly\u2014I\u2019ve confessed this on this radio show on more than one occasion\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014I was really clueless as to the challenges, the chaos, the hurt, and how blended families within the church feel like they have a scarlet letter on them. They don\u2019t feel welcomed in a community of broken people. Yes, Brenda\u2014you just held up a loser sign. What do you mean by that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Because my first marriage failed\u2014and especially, if I\u2019m struggling in my second marriage, I don\u2019t want anybody to know. I isolate myself because I don\u2019t want anybody to know I\u2019m failing again. So then, I don\u2019t reach out and get the information and help I really need\u2014so I isolate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause of the whole shame factor\u2014in the church, people don\u2019t know what to do with us. Now, all we need is someone to come alongside, and listen, and love\u2014you don\u2019t have to fix anything, but just understand\u2014especially if our exes were the ones that left us: \u201cWhat are we supposed to do here?\u00a0 This wasn\u2019t <em>our<\/em> choice \/ it wasn\u2019t <em>our<\/em> dream.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we still grieve that loss because God intended one marriage for the rest of your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not that I love Gil any less\u2014but every birthday, every grandchild that\u2019s born, every family event\u2014that scar that was a deep wound that\u2019s scarred over now\u2014is just rubbed. It doesn\u2019t hurt as much if it\u2019s rubbed, but it will always be rubbed. That\u2019s part of our journey as a stepfamily. Anybody that doesn\u2019t allow that to happen\u2014and grieve that and feel that\u2014they\u2019re robbing the richness of where Christ can restore that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have a blended family summit that FamilyLife has hosted, now, for three years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Three years\u2014our fourth one is coming up in September this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. We\u2019re partnering with Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> to hold this summit for blended families. But when I spoke to this group, this is what I experienced\u2014I have not felt a group so grateful just to be acknowledged and say: \u201cI don\u2019t know how you ended up here, but I want you to know you are loved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe\u2019re trying to help you. We\u2019re trying to equip you in one of life\u2019s most challenging commitments and relationships on the planet.\u201d\u00a0 The audience\u2014you could just sense it from the audience\u2014they were looking\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014for someone who would say: \u201cYou\u2019re loved. We\u2019re here to help. It\u2019s okay; start this ministry in this church. Keep going.\u201d\u00a0 And that\u2019s what you two are doing in your ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes, I want to inject there, Dennis, because\u2014each time we lead a small group, each time we do a retreat, each time we do a breakout session, a group of people coming\u2014whether it\u2019s from being a widow or a divorcee\u2014however, you show up in the room of pain called remarriage\u2014like remarriage pain. It\u2019s kind of like\u2014it\u2019s an oxymoron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut what\u2019s really cool about this is\u2014when there is a place to come \/ literally, within the first session, there is an affinity because people are kind of like: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe have a place. We\u2019re accepted here. You get us.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s really kind of a cool experience to make room. Even at the last retreat we had\u2014we talked about: \u201cThere\u2019s plenty of room to go around,\u201d\u2014and then, adding in\u2014\u201cThere\u2019s plenty of love to go around.\u201d And that became the crescendo of: \u201cRegardless of all the stepchildren, regardless of all the family forests that we have to get through, there is plenty of love to go around because of the redemptive work of Christ; and that\u2019s making the room for it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut that\u2019s what I so enjoy each time\u2014even though I know that, when we share each time, it\u2019s going to brush up against that scar, like Brenda said, and create pain. But out of that vulnerability of pain, it makes room to say, \u201cYou guys understand.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s why I so appreciate what FamilyLife has done\u2014is to build this summit and get the momentum going. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Brenda, tell us about the end of your first marriage. How long had you been married, what happened, and how many kids did you have at that point?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>We were married 19 years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014three boys, involved in the church, really involved with our couples group \/ marriage group. I\u2019ve always had a passion for marriage. It just signifies the relationship with Christ and the church; and I always wanted to be a good wife and on, and on, and on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt about the 19-year mark, I thought everything was okay; but my husband, at that time, came to me and said he just didn\u2019t want to be married anymore. As Gil fought for his for four years, I think we went to two counseling sessions. A lot of times, what\u2019s textbook is\u2014the person who is going to leave is six months to a year mentally ahead and emotionally that far ahead. So, I really felt like I had no chance to fight for my marriage because, if I had, it would have been months before; and I had no idea. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI, looking back, can see a lot of places\u2014especially, I\u2019ve learned about marriage stuff that I didn\u2019t even know before\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014what I attributed to the relationship \/ I mean, we were in the church, we were happy, we had the whole Jesus-thing going on. These marriage events would come into town; and I would say, \u201cWell, do you think we should go?\u201d\u00a0 He would say, \u201cI think we\u2019re doing okay.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s like: \u201cYes, I\u2019m okay. We\u2019re good.\u201d\u00a0 That was the first mistake. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhether you feel like you\u2019re in a good place or not\u2014when a marriage event comes to town, go because\u2014especially when things are going well \/ you\u2019re open to listening. When you are ticked off at each other and you\u2019re closed off, are you going to take in information and teaching with an open heart?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, that\u2019s why our other passion is to talk to people that have been married 17 to 25 years\u2014is that red zone where most divorces happen. That\u2019s where it\u2019s like\u2014we want to grab people and say, \u201cInvest in each other\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u2014\u201ceven more so <em>now<\/em> because this is hard when midlife and those teenagers \/ those people pull your brains out.\u201d\u00a0 And as a church, we should have marriages that absolutely <em>rock<\/em> so people are saying, \u201cI want what they have!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we have that because of Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When the two of you came together \/ when you met and started to form a relationship, was it still in the midst of processing the pain that you\u2019d been through, or had you kind of had that season?\u00a0 I mean, I know it\u2019s always a fresh, new experience when the two of you are getting together; but had you had a season of processing or did you find each other right in the middle of your pain?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Post-pain. I had a group of guys around me that I would refer to as my inner circle; and during those four years, I didn\u2019t walk alone. I invited about a group of five guys to walk around me who I knew loved me. I said, \u201cIf you see me flinch, hit me.\u201d\u00a0 And they did\u2014[Laughter]\u2014in love. But they coaxed me to just continue to embrace the pain. Even though we were trying it, like I said\u2014a couple times\u2014my ex and I rallied a couple times, thinking we would make it; but eventually, there was the demise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI did not run away from the pain. I didn\u2019t run away from the things that I had not dealt with in my own heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, that, I think, didn\u2019t necessarily accelerate it. It just put me on a track of saying: \u201cNo, I\u2019m not going to run away from this. I\u2019m going to run to it rather than from it.\u201d\u00a0 And so, as I would say\u2014embracing my porcupines of where I had failed or made mistakes. That then\u2014when the time came \/ when I met Brenda, I had really done a lot of work. So, some of my mentors and even my father said: \u201cYou\u2019ve done the work. Put the book on the shelf. Close the thing. You need to move on.\u201d\u00a0 But they had seen me for three years deal with my stuff because I knew in my heart that, if I was going to go on to another relationship\u2014at that point in time, it was like\u2014she was just one of the ladies at church. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Hey\u2014hey!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>But when the time came, there had been\u2014a lot of the baggage work had been done. You know, the bags had been unpacked and washed. I didn\u2019t avoid the pain\u2014I went right at it rather than\u2014where a lot of people don\u2019t deal with their pain \/ they don\u2019t deal with the baggage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey just kind of carry it on to the next relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s the reason I asked the question because I\u2019ve seen a lot of second marriages happen\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014while couples are right in the middle of that pain. They\u2019re hoping this new relationship is the ointment for the pain. Only\u2014they get in only to find out that it\u2019s not the ointment. It actually\u2014it irritates the pain that they are dealing with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014if they haven\u2019t dealt with it already; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Had you processed your pain when you met Gil?\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>I had that group around me too. I think I\u2014people that know us always kid Gil that he\u2019s more in touch with his feminine side than I am because I\u2019m like a driver. We balance each other out because I need him. I think I process, maybe, a little bit differently\u2014more in my head\u2014where he processes more in his heart\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>I\u2019m a crier. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u2014than his head. It really helped as part of <em>my<\/em> restoration process when we got together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I think what\u2019s important for adults to know, who remarry\u2014is, at this point, it\u2019s not just about you anymore. It\u2019s about your kids and \u201cDo you really want to take your kids through another train wreck?\u201d\u00a0 So, it\u2019s time to dig in \/ face off with the pain\u2014which nobody wants to do because it\u2019s no fun\u2014but that\u2019s where the healing comes from and the redemption. Your kids get to watch what a healthy, Christian marriage looks like and give them hope and build the legacy so that they don\u2019t continue the sins of their father\u2014of another divorce, and on, and on, and on, and on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Talk about the failure rate for a second marriage. It\u2019s pretty high; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes, somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 percent\u201450 to 60 percent within the first two years. When we first kind of connected with Ron Deal was right at about the one-year mark for us; and then, when we hit the two-year mark, we stayed in pretty good correspondence with Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen he said, \u201cYou guys were veterans at year two,\u201d I was kind of going: \u201cNo way!\u00a0 My first marriage was 24 years. How could I be a veteran at 2 years?\u201d\u00a0 But those first 2 years were horribly hard; you know?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Well, learning\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>A lot of learning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>But that rate of failure is pretty high in those first two years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think our listeners may know Ron Deal, who is the head of FamilyLife\u2019s Blended Family Ministry and probably the leading expert in America on the issue of blended families and remarriage. He really helped mentor you and walk you through the process that got you through some of those hard years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and gave you some counsel and encouragement to say, \u201cThere\u2019s a way to make this work.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Brenda, was there one thing more than anything else that stood out in those early years that Ron shared with you that was pivotal in terms of the success of your remarriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>I think it was that we\u2019re normal, and we\u2019re not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think, \u201cOh, we\u2019re the only ones struggling with this.\u201d\u2014 no; it\u2019s pretty textbook here: \u201cYou\u2019re right on track. When you hit this year, this will probably happen.\u201d\u00a0 And it\u2019s like: \u201cYes, when we hit year seven, we could, without even realizing it, see the continents of our family change because it takes, sometimes, that long for the family to connect and begin to blend\u2014if they ever do.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Even the term blended is a bit of a paradox; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>It\u2019s like: \u201cWhat word do you use?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u2014because some don\u2019t ever blend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Exactly. Explain to our listeners\u2014who may not, again, have an appreciation for how difficult blending is\u2014to how it works its way out in everyday life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes, the technical, psychological, clinical term is \u201cstepfamily.\u201d That is what it will always be: \u201cYour kids will never be my kids, and I will have a special affinity for my children that I will never have for yours.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow is that working for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>On the surface, I don\u2019t like that. It doesn\u2019t feel warm and cozy\u2014like we\u2019re all supposed to be one, big, happy family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>And when I start loving your boys, sometimes, more than my own, I have a thing called reverse betrayal\u2014that I\u2019m betraying my own children: \u201cHow could this be?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; imagine that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>A lot of moving parts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Share with folks\u2014because there have been challenges with the seven kids that you have between you. This process of the two of you coming together has not been universally embraced by all seven of your kids; has it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>No. My children didn\u2019t show up to the wedding. Two of them were close; but right at the last minute, they didn\u2019t come. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It took them 11 years\u201410\/11 years to come back and apologize for that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>In some cases\u2014that long. One by one\u2014as we continued to just stay the course, one by one, they came back\u2014my kids\u2014and apologized, with tears, saying: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dad. I should have been there.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s not abnormal, either; is it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>No. No. No. I mean, when we see couples who forced their children to be there, that can almost be just as bad; but\u2014to embrace them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>But my experience with Brenda\u2019s sons there\u2014at the evening that we wed and so forth, I began to love this woman by\u2014in the ceremony, literally, throwing off my jacket, grabbing a basin of water, and washing her feet because that\u2019s the degree of how I want to serve her and how I\u2019m continuing to try to serve my own children. And little by little, because of the love of Jesus, they\u2019re getting it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur second date\u2014it kind of went like this: \u201cBrenda, I know what commitment is, and I\u2019m not afraid of commitment. I know what that costs, but trust and honesty\u2014if we can have trust and honesty, I am good with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAre you good with that?\u00a0 So, if we\u2019ve got commitment, good; if no trust and honesty, I\u2019m out of here.\u201d\u00a0 And I knew that, if we were on the same team, those kids would eventually benefit by our love; and they have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Your kids\u2014it\u2019s not like they were totally adamant: \u201cDon\u2019t do it, Dad!\u201d\u2014and out of Gil\u2019s four kids, we had two of them in and out of the house early. So, we were able to build relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>They were always very respectful \/ always very loving; but we have heard of situations where it\u2019s been pretty volatile with the kids and stepkids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if that is the situation before you get married, time is the best thing for that. So, maybe, the best thing to do is take a step back \/ catch your breath if you know, as a couple, that\u2019s the end goal. Those kids are still grieving; and when we get together, it\u2019s another loss for them. So, we\u2014it\u2019s once again\u2014remarriage is not just about us. We have to think about everybody else involved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There is something I want to just double back on\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that you both touched on earlier in this interview. I\u2019m saying this just as much for the live audience and the listening audience who are not blended because you said something about isolation. We can all get isolated in our marriages\u2014whether we\u2019re in a blended family or in an intact marriage \/ first-time marriage going through life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn isolation, we can be convinced of anything. The enemy uses that in war to breakdown the strongest of our military men and women. And what I would just want our audience that\u2019s listening to know\u2014you need to do something for your marriage on a regular basis that opens new closets in your hearts \/ new rooms for Jesus Christ to come in and do some cleaning\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014house cleaning\u2014and to, also, maybe, do some restoration, and rebuilding, and reconciliation of a relationship that may be breaking down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you don\u2019t pay attention to it\u2014as you both have commented on\u2014the decisions start being made. By the time it gets announced, it\u2019s so late in the process it\u2019s very difficult to experience redemption of that marriage and that family at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that\u2019s really why we do the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. We\u2019ve talked to a lot of folks, here on the cruise \/ who have been here on the cruise; but they haven\u2019t been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> yet. My advice to them is: \u201cGo get this training <em>now<\/em>. And when your kids get married, don\u2019t let them leave home and get married without it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbecause this is not a culture that is friendly to a marriage built around this Book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cAnd we have an enemy that is out to destroy your marriage as well.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We are grateful to you guys for, not only sharing your story with us, but you\u2019ve had a great ministry onboard the cruise this week as you\u2019ve met with blended couples here and worked with them and shared out of your experience and out of your knowledge. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, thank you for being with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Would you thank Gil and Brenda Stuart?\u00a0 [Applause]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Thank you, guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you very much. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Thank you for being on the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It is great to be able to listen back to an interview that was recorded just a few weeks ago as we were all together onboard the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if Gil and Brenda were with us here, they would tell you that, if you need help and hope for a blended marriage or a blended family, get a copy of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily;<\/em> or get <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> DVD series and go through the material with some other couples, who are in a blended family, and work together on developing some strategies and getting some better understanding of the dynamics that are taking place in a blended family situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got these resources available in our <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy of <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> from Ron Deal or <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> DVD series. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order by phone at 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, that\u2019s the same number to call if you\u2019d like to join us next year, Valentine\u2019s week \/ February 13<sup>th<\/sup> through the 18<sup>th<\/sup>, as we set sail from New Orleans and head into the Western Caribbean for the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise\u2014our seventh annual cruise. Paul David Tripp is going to be joining us. Kevin DeYoung is going to be aboard. We\u2019ve got Michael Jr. onboard\u2014Jeremy Camp, H.B. Charles. We\u2019ve got a <em>great<\/em> lineup, and we\u2019re excited about next year\u2019s cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re also excited because it\u2019s about half sold-out right now. And this week, our team has got some special pricing on balcony cabins. If you\u2019d like to find out how you can sail with us next year, give us a call at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329\u2014and say, \u201cI\u2019d like to know more about the cruise.\u201d\u00a0 We hope you can join us\u2014we\u2019d love to have you onboard when we set sail next year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when Dr. Meg Meeker is going to be here to talk about what dads can do to raise strong daughters. We\u2019ll talk about that Monday. Hope you can be here for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["28.35M"],"filesize_raw":["29728955"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303906.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303906.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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and Brenda Stuart share how they experienced the pains and joys of remarriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-03-11.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Years after his first marriage ended, Gil Stuart proposed to a woman he met at church\u2014another person who had been through a divorce. The two of them set a date to get married. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>My children didn\u2019t show up to the wedding. Two of them were close; but right at the last minute, they didn\u2019t come. One by one\u2014as we continued to just stay the course, one by one, they came back\u2014my kids\u2014and apologized, with tears, saying: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dad. I should have been there.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, March 11<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are a lot of reasons why blending a family is tough to do. We\u2019ll talk to Gil and Brenda Stuart about some of the challenges they\u2019ve faced today. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. This is always fun for us. We rarely get to do a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> program with a studio audience; but today, we have one because we\u2019re onboard the 2016 <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage cruise. [Applause]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>A lot of fun\u2014a lot of fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, it is a lot of fun. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We\u2019ve got one of the resources that we have featured here on the cruise. As you know, Bob, we\u2019ve got all kinds of optional seminars as well as messages given. In fact, Gil and Brenda Stuart, earlier this week, led a session for blended families. You give leadership to a ministry called Restored and Remarried. You guys are from the Northwest. You have seven children between you, and you\u2019ve been married 13 years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, you always wonder: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhere do you start as you talk about a remarried situation because there are so many different ways blended families are formed?\u201d\u00a0 But there are a lot of them being formed today. Comment on that, if you would, please before you tell us your story. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Well, I think whether you come into a remarriage because of a divorce or the death of a spouse\u2014the common denominator is the pain that we all share through that experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And today, over 40 percent of all marriages taking place in our country involve a blended family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And Gil, there is a sense of loss, of grief \/ sometimes, shame that comes with all of that. When that\u2019s the seed bed for a new relationship to be formed in, you\u2019re starting with some rocky soil that there are going to be some issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Rocky soil with lots of weeds and lots of debris. There is a lot of brokenness that comes with the beginnings of a remarriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSometimes, there is a lot of joy; but typically, there\u2019s a lot of pain with the \u201cI do\u2019s\u201d and the \u201cI will\u2019s\u201d and so forth. So, yes; and I think even one of the things we mentioned during the breakout session was to make room for the grief, not only for the couple, but for the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Your first marriage ended after you\u2019d been married for how many years?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Twenty-four years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And what can you share about the circumstances that brought it to an end?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Well, my first wife and I were married for 24 years. We had four children\u2014three boys and a girl. And a lot of pain\u201420 of the years were really amazing. We were involved with youth ministry, and short-term missions, and so forth; but about year 20 and even year 16, there were some challenges \/ some degree of infidelity. About year 20, there was a really big change toward some choices that were being made\u2014really blew me out of the water. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019d gone through all the right steps with the counselors, the pastors, and all that; but there was a choice that happened that I couldn\u2019t reverse\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that she made a choice \/ that it was like: \u201cI can\u2019t bring you back. You\u2019ve got to be all-in, or I can\u2019t move forward with it.\u201d\u00a0 So, yes; dizzy, disorientated, surreal\u2014would be what I would call it. I was like\u2014I could not believe what was going on in front of my very eyes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>How old were your kids when this was happening, and what was the impact on them?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>The youngest was, probably, nine \/ ten years of age\u2014the oldest was nineteen \/ twenty\u2014because the oldest\u2014between the oldest and the youngest was ten years\u2019 difference. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think\u2014to those of us who haven\u2019t experienced either the death of a spouse \/ divorce\u2014again, the many ways that a blended family is formed\u2014we really don\u2019t know how to relate to a family that\u2019s blended. Frankly\u2014I\u2019ve confessed this on this radio show on more than one occasion\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014I was really clueless as to the challenges, the chaos, the hurt, and how blended families within the church feel like they have a scarlet letter on them. They don\u2019t feel welcomed in a community of broken people. Yes, Brenda\u2014you just held up a loser sign. What do you mean by that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Because my first marriage failed\u2014and especially, if I\u2019m struggling in my second marriage, I don\u2019t want anybody to know. I isolate myself because I don\u2019t want anybody to know I\u2019m failing again. So then, I don\u2019t reach out and get the information and help I really need\u2014so I isolate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause of the whole shame factor\u2014in the church, people don\u2019t know what to do with us. Now, all we need is someone to come alongside, and listen, and love\u2014you don\u2019t have to fix anything, but just understand\u2014especially if our exes were the ones that left us: \u201cWhat are we supposed to do here?\u00a0 This wasn\u2019t <em>our<\/em> choice \/ it wasn\u2019t <em>our<\/em> dream.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we still grieve that loss because God intended one marriage for the rest of your life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not that I love Gil any less\u2014but every birthday, every grandchild that\u2019s born, every family event\u2014that scar that was a deep wound that\u2019s scarred over now\u2014is just rubbed. It doesn\u2019t hurt as much if it\u2019s rubbed, but it will always be rubbed. That\u2019s part of our journey as a stepfamily. Anybody that doesn\u2019t allow that to happen\u2014and grieve that and feel that\u2014they\u2019re robbing the richness of where Christ can restore that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have a blended family summit that FamilyLife has hosted, now, for three years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Three years\u2014our fourth one is coming up in September this year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. We\u2019re partnering with Focus on the Family<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> to hold this summit for blended families. But when I spoke to this group, this is what I experienced\u2014I have not felt a group so grateful just to be acknowledged and say: \u201cI don\u2019t know how you ended up here, but I want you to know you are loved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe\u2019re trying to help you. We\u2019re trying to equip you in one of life\u2019s most challenging commitments and relationships on the planet.\u201d\u00a0 The audience\u2014you could just sense it from the audience\u2014they were looking\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014for someone who would say: \u201cYou\u2019re loved. We\u2019re here to help. It\u2019s okay; start this ministry in this church. Keep going.\u201d\u00a0 And that\u2019s what you two are doing in your ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes, I want to inject there, Dennis, because\u2014each time we lead a small group, each time we do a retreat, each time we do a breakout session, a group of people coming\u2014whether it\u2019s from being a widow or a divorcee\u2014however, you show up in the room of pain called remarriage\u2014like remarriage pain. It\u2019s kind of like\u2014it\u2019s an oxymoron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut what\u2019s really cool about this is\u2014when there is a place to come \/ literally, within the first session, there is an affinity because people are kind of like: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWe have a place. We\u2019re accepted here. You get us.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s really kind of a cool experience to make room. Even at the last retreat we had\u2014we talked about: \u201cThere\u2019s plenty of room to go around,\u201d\u2014and then, adding in\u2014\u201cThere\u2019s plenty of love to go around.\u201d And that became the crescendo of: \u201cRegardless of all the stepchildren, regardless of all the family forests that we have to get through, there is plenty of love to go around because of the redemptive work of Christ; and that\u2019s making the room for it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut that\u2019s what I so enjoy each time\u2014even though I know that, when we share each time, it\u2019s going to brush up against that scar, like Brenda said, and create pain. But out of that vulnerability of pain, it makes room to say, \u201cYou guys understand.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s why I so appreciate what FamilyLife has done\u2014is to build this summit and get the momentum going. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Brenda, tell us about the end of your first marriage. How long had you been married, what happened, and how many kids did you have at that point?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>We were married 19 years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014three boys, involved in the church, really involved with our couples group \/ marriage group. I\u2019ve always had a passion for marriage. It just signifies the relationship with Christ and the church; and I always wanted to be a good wife and on, and on, and on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt about the 19-year mark, I thought everything was okay; but my husband, at that time, came to me and said he just didn\u2019t want to be married anymore. As Gil fought for his for four years, I think we went to two counseling sessions. A lot of times, what\u2019s textbook is\u2014the person who is going to leave is six months to a year mentally ahead and emotionally that far ahead. So, I really felt like I had no chance to fight for my marriage because, if I had, it would have been months before; and I had no idea. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI, looking back, can see a lot of places\u2014especially, I\u2019ve learned about marriage stuff that I didn\u2019t even know before\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014what I attributed to the relationship \/ I mean, we were in the church, we were happy, we had the whole Jesus-thing going on. These marriage events would come into town; and I would say, \u201cWell, do you think we should go?\u201d\u00a0 He would say, \u201cI think we\u2019re doing okay.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s like: \u201cYes, I\u2019m okay. We\u2019re good.\u201d\u00a0 That was the first mistake. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhether you feel like you\u2019re in a good place or not\u2014when a marriage event comes to town, go because\u2014especially when things are going well \/ you\u2019re open to listening. When you are ticked off at each other and you\u2019re closed off, are you going to take in information and teaching with an open heart?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, that\u2019s why our other passion is to talk to people that have been married 17 to 25 years\u2014is that red zone where most divorces happen. That\u2019s where it\u2019s like\u2014we want to grab people and say, \u201cInvest in each other\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u2014\u201ceven more so <em>now<\/em> because this is hard when midlife and those teenagers \/ those people pull your brains out.\u201d\u00a0 And as a church, we should have marriages that absolutely <em>rock<\/em> so people are saying, \u201cI want what they have!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we have that because of Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When the two of you came together \/ when you met and started to form a relationship, was it still in the midst of processing the pain that you\u2019d been through, or had you kind of had that season?\u00a0 I mean, I know it\u2019s always a fresh, new experience when the two of you are getting together; but had you had a season of processing or did you find each other right in the middle of your pain?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Post-pain. I had a group of guys around me that I would refer to as my inner circle; and during those four years, I didn\u2019t walk alone. I invited about a group of five guys to walk around me who I knew loved me. I said, \u201cIf you see me flinch, hit me.\u201d\u00a0 And they did\u2014[Laughter]\u2014in love. But they coaxed me to just continue to embrace the pain. Even though we were trying it, like I said\u2014a couple times\u2014my ex and I rallied a couple times, thinking we would make it; but eventually, there was the demise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI did not run away from the pain. I didn\u2019t run away from the things that I had not dealt with in my own heart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, that, I think, didn\u2019t necessarily accelerate it. It just put me on a track of saying: \u201cNo, I\u2019m not going to run away from this. I\u2019m going to run to it rather than from it.\u201d\u00a0 And so, as I would say\u2014embracing my porcupines of where I had failed or made mistakes. That then\u2014when the time came \/ when I met Brenda, I had really done a lot of work. So, some of my mentors and even my father said: \u201cYou\u2019ve done the work. Put the book on the shelf. Close the thing. You need to move on.\u201d\u00a0 But they had seen me for three years deal with my stuff because I knew in my heart that, if I was going to go on to another relationship\u2014at that point in time, it was like\u2014she was just one of the ladies at church. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Hey\u2014hey!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>But when the time came, there had been\u2014a lot of the baggage work had been done. You know, the bags had been unpacked and washed. I didn\u2019t avoid the pain\u2014I went right at it rather than\u2014where a lot of people don\u2019t deal with their pain \/ they don\u2019t deal with the baggage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey just kind of carry it on to the next relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s the reason I asked the question because I\u2019ve seen a lot of second marriages happen\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014while couples are right in the middle of that pain. They\u2019re hoping this new relationship is the ointment for the pain. Only\u2014they get in only to find out that it\u2019s not the ointment. It actually\u2014it irritates the pain that they are dealing with\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014if they haven\u2019t dealt with it already; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Had you processed your pain when you met Gil?\u00a0 <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>I had that group around me too. I think I\u2014people that know us always kid Gil that he\u2019s more in touch with his feminine side than I am because I\u2019m like a driver. We balance each other out because I need him. I think I process, maybe, a little bit differently\u2014more in my head\u2014where he processes more in his heart\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>I\u2019m a crier. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u2014than his head. It really helped as part of <em>my<\/em> restoration process when we got together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I think what\u2019s important for adults to know, who remarry\u2014is, at this point, it\u2019s not just about you anymore. It\u2019s about your kids and \u201cDo you really want to take your kids through another train wreck?\u201d\u00a0 So, it\u2019s time to dig in \/ face off with the pain\u2014which nobody wants to do because it\u2019s no fun\u2014but that\u2019s where the healing comes from and the redemption. Your kids get to watch what a healthy, Christian marriage looks like and give them hope and build the legacy so that they don\u2019t continue the sins of their father\u2014of another divorce, and on, and on, and on, and on. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Talk about the failure rate for a second marriage. It\u2019s pretty high; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes, somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 percent\u201450 to 60 percent within the first two years. When we first kind of connected with Ron Deal was right at about the one-year mark for us; and then, when we hit the two-year mark, we stayed in pretty good correspondence with Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen he said, \u201cYou guys were veterans at year two,\u201d I was kind of going: \u201cNo way!\u00a0 My first marriage was 24 years. How could I be a veteran at 2 years?\u201d\u00a0 But those first 2 years were horribly hard; you know?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Well, learning\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>A lot of learning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>But that rate of failure is pretty high in those first two years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think our listeners may know Ron Deal, who is the head of FamilyLife\u2019s Blended Family Ministry and probably the leading expert in America on the issue of blended families and remarriage. He really helped mentor you and walk you through the process that got you through some of those hard years\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014and gave you some counsel and encouragement to say, \u201cThere\u2019s a way to make this work.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Brenda, was there one thing more than anything else that stood out in those early years that Ron shared with you that was pivotal in terms of the success of your remarriage?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>I think it was that we\u2019re normal, and we\u2019re not alone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou think, \u201cOh, we\u2019re the only ones struggling with this.\u201d\u2014 no; it\u2019s pretty textbook here: \u201cYou\u2019re right on track. When you hit this year, this will probably happen.\u201d\u00a0 And it\u2019s like: \u201cYes, when we hit year seven, we could, without even realizing it, see the continents of our family change because it takes, sometimes, that long for the family to connect and begin to blend\u2014if they ever do.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Even the term blended is a bit of a paradox; isn\u2019t it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>It\u2019s like: \u201cWhat word do you use?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>\u2014because some don\u2019t ever blend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Exactly. Explain to our listeners\u2014who may not, again, have an appreciation for how difficult blending is\u2014to how it works its way out in everyday life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes, the technical, psychological, clinical term is \u201cstepfamily.\u201d That is what it will always be: \u201cYour kids will never be my kids, and I will have a special affinity for my children that I will never have for yours.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHow is that working for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>On the surface, I don\u2019t like that. It doesn\u2019t feel warm and cozy\u2014like we\u2019re all supposed to be one, big, happy family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>And when I start loving your boys, sometimes, more than my own, I have a thing called reverse betrayal\u2014that I\u2019m betraying my own children: \u201cHow could this be?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; imagine that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>A lot of moving parts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Share with folks\u2014because there have been challenges with the seven kids that you have between you. This process of the two of you coming together has not been universally embraced by all seven of your kids; has it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>No. My children didn\u2019t show up to the wedding. Two of them were close; but right at the last minute, they didn\u2019t come. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It took them 11 years\u201410\/11 years to come back and apologize for that?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>In some cases\u2014that long. One by one\u2014as we continued to just stay the course, one by one, they came back\u2014my kids\u2014and apologized, with tears, saying: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Dad. I should have been there.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s not abnormal, either; is it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>No. No. No. I mean, when we see couples who forced their children to be there, that can almost be just as bad; but\u2014to embrace them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>But my experience with Brenda\u2019s sons there\u2014at the evening that we wed and so forth, I began to love this woman by\u2014in the ceremony, literally, throwing off my jacket, grabbing a basin of water, and washing her feet because that\u2019s the degree of how I want to serve her and how I\u2019m continuing to try to serve my own children. And little by little, because of the love of Jesus, they\u2019re getting it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur second date\u2014it kind of went like this: \u201cBrenda, I know what commitment is, and I\u2019m not afraid of commitment. I know what that costs, but trust and honesty\u2014if we can have trust and honesty, I am good with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAre you good with that?\u00a0 So, if we\u2019ve got commitment, good; if no trust and honesty, I\u2019m out of here.\u201d\u00a0 And I knew that, if we were on the same team, those kids would eventually benefit by our love; and they have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Your kids\u2014it\u2019s not like they were totally adamant: \u201cDon\u2019t do it, Dad!\u201d\u2014and out of Gil\u2019s four kids, we had two of them in and out of the house early. So, we were able to build relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>They were always very respectful \/ always very loving; but we have heard of situations where it\u2019s been pretty volatile with the kids and stepkids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if that is the situation before you get married, time is the best thing for that. So, maybe, the best thing to do is take a step back \/ catch your breath if you know, as a couple, that\u2019s the end goal. Those kids are still grieving; and when we get together, it\u2019s another loss for them. So, we\u2014it\u2019s once again\u2014remarriage is not just about us. We have to think about everybody else involved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There is something I want to just double back on\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that you both touched on earlier in this interview. I\u2019m saying this just as much for the live audience and the listening audience who are not blended because you said something about isolation. We can all get isolated in our marriages\u2014whether we\u2019re in a blended family or in an intact marriage \/ first-time marriage going through life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn isolation, we can be convinced of anything. The enemy uses that in war to breakdown the strongest of our military men and women. And what I would just want our audience that\u2019s listening to know\u2014you need to do something for your marriage on a regular basis that opens new closets in your hearts \/ new rooms for Jesus Christ to come in and do some cleaning\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014house cleaning\u2014and to, also, maybe, do some restoration, and rebuilding, and reconciliation of a relationship that may be breaking down. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you don\u2019t pay attention to it\u2014as you both have commented on\u2014the decisions start being made. By the time it gets announced, it\u2019s so late in the process it\u2019s very difficult to experience redemption of that marriage and that family at that point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that\u2019s really why we do the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. We\u2019ve talked to a lot of folks, here on the cruise \/ who have been here on the cruise; but they haven\u2019t been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> yet. My advice to them is: \u201cGo get this training <em>now<\/em>. And when your kids get married, don\u2019t let them leave home and get married without it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cbecause this is not a culture that is friendly to a marriage built around this Book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Brenda: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cAnd we have an enemy that is out to destroy your marriage as well.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We are grateful to you guys for, not only sharing your story with us, but you\u2019ve had a great ministry onboard the cruise this week as you\u2019ve met with blended couples here and worked with them and shared out of your experience and out of your knowledge. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, thank you for being with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Would you thank Gil and Brenda Stuart?\u00a0 [Applause]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Thank you, guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you very much. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Thank you for being on the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Gil: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It is great to be able to listen back to an interview that was recorded just a few weeks ago as we were all together onboard the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd if Gil and Brenda were with us here, they would tell you that, if you need help and hope for a blended marriage or a blended family, get a copy of Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily;<\/em> or get <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> DVD series and go through the material with some other couples, who are in a blended family, and work together on developing some strategies and getting some better understanding of the dynamics that are taking place in a blended family situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got these resources available in our <em>FamilyLife<\/em> <em>Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to order a copy of <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> from Ron Deal or <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> DVD series. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order by phone at 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy the way, that\u2019s the same number to call if you\u2019d like to join us next year, Valentine\u2019s week \/ February 13<sup>th<\/sup> through the 18<sup>th<\/sup>, as we set sail from New Orleans and head into the Western Caribbean for the <em>Love Like You Mean It<\/em> marriage cruise\u2014our seventh annual cruise. Paul David Tripp is going to be joining us. Kevin DeYoung is going to be aboard. We\u2019ve got Michael Jr. onboard\u2014Jeremy Camp, H.B. Charles. We\u2019ve got a <em>great<\/em> lineup, and we\u2019re excited about next year\u2019s cruise. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re also excited because it\u2019s about half sold-out right now. And this week, our team has got some special pricing on balcony cabins. If you\u2019d like to find out how you can sail with us next year, give us a call at 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329\u2014and say, \u201cI\u2019d like to know more about the cruise.\u201d\u00a0 We hope you can join us\u2014we\u2019d love to have you onboard when we set sail next year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday when Dr. Meg Meeker is going to be here to talk about what dads can do to raise strong daughters. We\u2019ll talk about that Monday. Hope you can be here for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303906","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303906"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303906"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303906"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303906"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303906"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303906"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303906"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}