{"id":303840,"date":"2016-01-21T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-01-21T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/something-amiss\/"},"modified":"2016-01-21T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2016-01-21T17:00:00","slug":"something-amiss","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/something-amiss\/","title":{"rendered":"Something Amiss"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Vicki recalls finding her former husband&#8217;s inappropriate magazines. Distraught and pregnant, she sought help from her pastor and recommitted her life and her marriage to Christ.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-01-21.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25M","filesize_raw":"26214209","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2840,2844],"tags":[5943,2872,2989],"podcast_series":[7938],"cwp_profile":[3402],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303840","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-addiction","category-pornography","tag-addicted-to-porn","tag-addiction","tag-pornography","podcast_series-when-your-husband-is-addicted-to-pornography","cwp_profile-vicki-tiede","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303840\/something-amiss","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303840\/something-amiss","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"4mNC2OGfxR\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/something-amiss\/\">Something Amiss<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/something-amiss\/embed\/#?secret=4mNC2OGfxR\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Something Amiss&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"4mNC2OGfxR\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-01-21.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-01-21.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Vicki Tiede remembers clearly the day she found what no wife wants to find\u2014pornography on her husband\u2019s computer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> I was devastated! I literally cried until I made myself sick. Then, I told him what I had found; and he just twisted it all. He told me he was doing research for a book; you know, that I was blowing this up; it was <em>much<\/em> smaller than I was making it out to be; I was making such a <em>big<\/em> deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe somehow was able to twist my thinking. I think, when a woman is told that they are wrong, that they\u2019re not sane, that they are crazy\u2014when you\u2019re told these things enough times\u2014you kind of just start to question yourself: \u201cAm I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?\u201d It wasn\u2019t until a little bit later in my pregnancy that I was gone for a week, doing some work. While I was gone, he took a trip with someone else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Vicki Tiede joins us today to talk about how she responded when she learned that her husband was addicted to pornography. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. We are going to dive into a pretty heavy subject today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let me start off by saying, \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to our friends, Brian and Sharlyn Sipe, who live in Fayetteville, Pennsylvania. They listen to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>on WCRH. They have been married 32 years <em>today<\/em>. \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Sipes on their 32<sup>nd<\/sup> wedding anniversary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re all about anniversaries, here at <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we\u2019re celebrating our 40<sup>th<\/sup> anniversary as a ministry this year. But what really matters is, not our anniversary\u2014it\u2019s your anniversary. That\u2019s why we exist\u2014so that more listeners will have more anniversaries. So, \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Sipes on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t32 years of marriage together. They have been to <em>four<\/em> <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways during their marriage. Maybe that\u2019s one of the things that helped them get to 32 years together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA quick reminder for our listeners\u2014that this weekend is the last opportunity you have if you\u2019d like to sign up [at a reduced price] for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway for this spring. If you pay the regular rate for yourself, your spouse can come at no charge\u2014comes free\u2014but that offer is good through this weekend. If you\u2019d like to take advantage of the special offer, be sure to get in touch with us ASAP. You can get more information or register online at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d We hope to see you at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we talk about, Dennis, at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, is the subject of marriage intimacy. Whenever I am in that setting, where I\u2019m talking about intimacy, one of the subjects that we have to address is the subject of pornography because that is affecting marriage intimacy in a lot of marriages. In talking to the couples at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, I will talk to the guys about how to confess if this is an issue that\u2019s a struggle for them; but I also talk to the wives about what they need to do if their husband comes to them and comes clean with his struggle with pornography. It\u2019s never an easy situation or circumstance. It\u2019s always hard for a wife to hear that kind of news from her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHusbands and wives have got to make a decision about whether they\u2019re going to work through the storm together or whether this is something that\u2019s going to send them into different corners; don\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, that\u2019s one of the most powerful reasons why a couple ought to go to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. There are going to be storms in their marriage and in their family that they have to have a rock for their house to be standing on. The <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>will give them that rock. It may not be pornography, as we\u2019re talking about here today, but you will experience storms. If you haven\u2019t been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, I would encourage you, sometime this spring, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and check out the locations for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> near you, and make plans to attend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a guest with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014Vicki Tiede, who joins us\u2014who is, unfortunately, a former wife of a man who was addicted to pornography. Vicki, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Thank you so much for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Vicki is a Bible teacher\/speaker. She leads the women\u2019s ministries at her local church. She and her husband, Mike, have been married since 1999. They have three children\u2014one from a previous marriage and two from your marriage to Mike. She\u2019s written a book called <em>When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTake us to the first time you had any hint when your first husband had any problem with pornography.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, I was a young bride, early in our marriage. I don\u2019t think I knew that it had anything to do with pornography, but I knew within three months of our getting married that things weren\u2019t <em>right<\/em>. Of course, I thought it must be something about <em>me<\/em>\u2014that I didn\u2019t have this wife-thing figured out\u2014so I sought counseling. I went to my pastor first and he\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, now; wait a second. When you say, \u201cThings weren\u2019t right,\u201d what do you mean by that? What was the hint at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, the hint for us was that there was <em>no<\/em> intimacy\u2014almost <em>none<\/em>. I thought that I was inadequate or not attractive enough. So, I was trying to figure that out. I would talk to my husband. He would say: \u201cNo, it has nothing to do with you. You know, I\u2019m just tired. I just don\u2019t feel like it.\u201d That just seemed contrary to what I expected! I thought it was going to be the opposite\u2014that he would want to be intimate and I might not\u2014at least, according to what the books and people were saying before. So I was surprised by that. I thought, \u201cOkay, then, there must be something about <em>me<\/em> that\u2019s not right; and I\u2019m not understanding this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is something that faded from the honeymoon. I mean, it wasn\u2019t like, at the very beginning, you thought, \u201cThis isn\u2019t the way it\u2019s supposed to be.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, almost from the beginning, I knew it wasn\u2019t right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes, even the honeymoon itself\u2014something wasn\u2019t right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember just praying and asking God, \u201cWill You show me what I\u2019m missing here?\u2014if there\u2019s something about me I need to fix?\u201d I had lost a lot of weight. I thought that might be the issue. I did a lot of different things\u2014keeping the house up differently, or fixing his favorite meals, or, you know, just being sensitive to his likes and dislikes. But then, it came to the point where I just said, \u201cLord, You\u2019ve got to show me if I\u2019m missing something here.\u201d I remember praying that distinctly before walking into the office that he used. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI feel like now, in hindsight, it was kind of booby-trapped so that I wouldn\u2019t want to go in there. His one task was to take the garbage out around the house. Instead of taking it out, he would pile it just inside of the office. I think it was so that I wouldn\u2019t go in, but I went in one day. I pulled out the filing cabinet drawer. It was <em>filled <\/em>with documents and pictures that he had downloaded from the computer. I was sick. I was just <em>sick<\/em> when I realized what I was seeing\u2014conversations\u2014internet chat room conversations\u2014that he had. There was no question\u2014it was his name\/username that was being used. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You said there was garbage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Garbage\u2014bags of garbage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Physical garbage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Physical bags of garbage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Like how many? You think he was doing that because it smelled so bad you would stay out of there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes. Five or six\u2014seven bags\u2014it would be a week or so that he wouldn\u2019t take the garbage out in order to try to keep me out of that room. It didn\u2019t have a lock on the door\u2014it was just a little bi-fold door. So, I think that was his way of keeping me out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The symbolism of that\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes! Ironic; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It really is. I want to be careful about saying something here, at the beginning of this story. We\u2019re <em>not<\/em> saying that just because a man may have a lower sex drive than his wife that that necessarily equates with a problem with pornography.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It <em>could<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> It could. It\u2019s one of the <em>flags<\/em> that you might be aware of, but it\u2019s usually one of many flags. The reason for that is\u2014if you engage in much pornography, you\u2019ll want more pornography. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt tends to draw people toward the pornography as opposed to real intimacy with their loved one. So, that\u2019s one sign. I think women are aware of that. When you\u2019re going to bed alone, night after night\u2014and that was my case\u2014you know, there were many, many mornings I would wake up, in the middle of the night\u2014two o\u2019clock in the morning\u2014and he wouldn\u2019t have ever come to bed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would go looking for him, and he would be on the computer in the office. Most of the time, I snuck back to bed, and would curl up in the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep because I <em>knew<\/em> something was going on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, there was a time when you found out there was something going on. That didn\u2019t bring everything to a head and turn the tide for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right; no. Each time something new came to light\u2014you know, I was going to bed alone. He was on the computer; he\u2019d flip it off; I wouldn\u2019t know what it was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, now, hang on. I\u2019ve got to go back because you, undoubtedly, had a confrontation after you found what you found in the drawer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He comes home from work. You say, \u201cI have to talk to you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cI found the garbage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> \u201cI found the garbage.\u201d Yes, the real garbage. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Take us to that conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, I remember, especially after that time\u2014this was at least two years, I guess, into our marriage. I was in the early stages of pregnancy\u2014so hormones were added on top of this. I was devastated. I literally cried until I made myself sick. Then, I told him what I had found; and he just twisted it all. He told me he was doing research for a book, you know, that I was blowing this up\u2014it was <em>much<\/em> smaller than I was making it out to be\u2014I was making such a big <em>deal<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe somehow was able to twist my thinking. I think, when a woman is told that they are wrong \/ that they are crazy\u2014when you\u2019re told these things enough times, you kind of just start to question yourself, you know: \u201cAm I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt wasn\u2019t until a little bit later in my pregnancy, that I was gone for a week, doing some work. While I was gone, he took a trip with someone else. I was devastated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How did you find out about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> He actually told me he was taking the trip, but he said he was going to visit a friend from years\u2019 past. When I returned home and started calling that friend, that\u2019s not where he was. We didn\u2019t have cell phones then. So, you know, it wasn\u2019t like I could track him down. All I had was the hotel number. I just remember calling, and calling, and calling, all night long, and not getting him\u2014then, later, finding evidence that he was on this trip with someone else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did you confront him about that then?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Again, it was: \u201cIt was platonic. It wasn\u2019t <em>anything<\/em>.\u201d I was blowing this all up. He <em>never<\/em>, at any time, owned the addiction. He <em>never<\/em> said, \u201cI have a problem with this.\u201d That term, pornography addiction, wasn\u2019t well-used at that time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Spiritually-speaking, had there been any discussion between the two of you, as you dated and were engaged, about: \u201cWhat does God have to do with our marriage, and with our family, with our values? What about the Scriptures?\u201d Had there been any of those conversations?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, it\u2019s interesting\u2014I was active in our church, and he was less so; but he proclaimed himself to be a strong believer. I knew his family to be. We didn\u2019t\u2014we didn\u2019t sit down and have those conversations. We didn\u2019t read the Bible together. We did our required counseling before we got married. We went through all of the prerequisites \/ answered all of the questions, but it was really kind of just going through the motions more than it being something meaningful and talking about how God was going to work in our lives. Right after we got married, I was going to church alone on Sundays.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to make a comment about that because we discussed the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, Bob, at the beginning of the broadcast\u2014talking about married couples who come to our weekend getaway to get the blueprints for building their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey may, in the process, discover there are issues in their marriage that need to be dealt with, there, that weekend. We give them the tools to do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think one of the best things we do at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is for those who are contemplating engagement\u2014single people <em>or<\/em> those who are already engaged who get the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>as a wedding gift and go <em>before<\/em> they get married. I wonder\u2014you know, you can\u2019t answer that question now\u2014what would have happened if, Vicki, you and your fianc\u00e9, at that point, had attended something like that? There would have certainly been some warning signs, at that point, if he showed <em>no<\/em> interest in God or in Him being the Builder and Maker of your marriage and family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I just have to say, because some people may be listening and thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t want to go to one of those weekends you\u2019re talking about because it sounds like all of the issues are going to be laid out and your marriage, that is functioning fine, is going to get turned upside down.\u201d That\u2019s a little bit like saying, \u201cI\u2019m not going to take my car in for a check-up before the long trip because they might find something wrong with it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cLet\u2019s just let it break down, and then we\u2019ll try to find a\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014find a solution.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s the point. This is a part of how you do healthy, preventive maintenance on a marriage\u2014is by digging in and finding out: \u201cWhat are the issues? How are we doing? Where can we use some help? Where are we doing okay?\u201d\u2014to do that, as an engaged couple \/ that is a healthy thing to do\u2014to do it when you\u2019ve been married for three years, or for thirteen years, or for thirty years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s always a healthy form of preventive maintenance for your marriage. So, again, if folks want more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, they can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and look on our website for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I want to go back. You made the statement that the first time you came across magazines\u2014your husband talked you out of it: \u201cSomebody must have left this here at our house.\u201d I\u2019m thinking to myself: \u201c<em>Vicki<\/em>! You\u2019re a smart woman. Come on!\u201d Then, the second time, it was, \u201cI\u2019m doing research on a book.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And then, the third time, \u201cIt was platonic.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Oh, trust me! By the second and third time, I did not believe the stories any more. I knew that if, in fact, if he was doing research for a book, it would <em>only<\/em> be available in an adult book store. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> There\u2019s no question. You know, I <em>knew<\/em> that was the case. I did make some ultimatums, at that point, and set some boundaries, and said: \u201cYou need to get help with this! We need to go to counseling and get help.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe thing is\u2014that\u2019s only helpful if you admit that you\u2019ve got a problem and you\u2019re willing to tell the truth to a counselor. That\u2019s the thing about these pornography addictions\u2014they\u2019re shrouded in lies. His entire existence, he\u2019d been lying. He never was honest with a counselor. It never lasted more than two sessions because they would get too close to the truth, and we\u2019d be out of there. He wouldn\u2019t go back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He\u2019d just say, \u201cI\u2019m not going to that guy again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So what would you say to the wife, who\u2019s listening right now, who\u2019s going, \u201cYou have described what\u2019s taking place in our marriage,\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019ve caught him a couple of times. I\u2019ve found clues. I\u2019ve confronted him. He\u2019s told me things\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s done the same thing to me that he did to Vicki.\u201d What would you say to a young lady?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes. I think you have to have the hard conversation and tell them what you suspect. If you\u2019re not being told the truth or you don\u2019t believe that you\u2019re hearing the truth, then you need to get yourself some support. You need to go and talk to a pastor. You need to get some counseling. There is absolutely nothing like being in a support group with other women, whose husbands are going through the same thing because you never know what it\u2019s like to be a widow until you\u2019re a widow; likewise, you don\u2019t <em>really<\/em> know what it\u2019s like to be married to someone addicted to pornography until you\u2019re that woman. A support network is <em>profoundly<\/em> huge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to say one thing, though. You talk about, \u201cif she has discovered these things.\u201d My prayer is always that she never has to discover these things\u2014she won\u2019t walk in on something, or open a filing cabinet, or turn on her computer and be bombarded with things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRather, my prayer is that men will tell their wife what is going on because, when you don\u2019t, she is always left to wonder if you would have <em>ever <\/em>told her. Are you <em>really<\/em> sorry or are you just sorry you got caught? That will plague her. It does slow down the recovery process. As painful as it is to have to go to your wife, and tell her what\u2019s happening, it\u2019s the <em>kindest<\/em> thing you can do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What you\u2019re talking about is what\u2019s talked about in II Corinthians as the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow because godly sorrow is that internal motivation, brought on by the Holy Spirit\u2014the conviction that comes\u2014that causes somebody to say, \u201cI can\u2019t live this way anymore,\u201d and to come clean on their own. The person who gets caught\u2014it\u2019s a little hard to tell whether they\u2019ve reached a point of conviction or whether it\u2019s just, \u201cI\u2019m sorry I got caught; and I\u2019m going to try to either hide it better, or stay clean for a while and let this thing blow over.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And what I would want a man to hear, who\u2019s listening to Vicki right now: \u201cListen to this woman tell you what your wife would want to happen in your heart. She would want you to repent on your own\u2014not have to be confronted.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cDon\u2019t put it on <em>her<\/em> or on a group of other people to do that. Step up, be courageous, and face your bad stuff. It may mean you\u2019re going to have to admit some weaknesses, and flaws, and faults; but that\u2019s what repentance, ultimately, deals with.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that situation, Bob\u2014back to the repentance that is truly provoked by a desire for godliness\u2014that\u2019s where hope, healing, reconciliation, and restoration in a relationship can occur. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So the guy, who\u2019s listening, and says: \u201cOkay, if I go to my wife today, tomorrow, or this weekend, and I say, \u2018I need to come clean about some stuff,\u2019 Dennis, you don\u2019t know. I\u2019ve seen my wife get angry. I don\u2019t think our marriage will survive it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I think, first of all, I would not instruct him to go to his wife first. I would instruct him to go to a man\u2014hopefully, a godly counselor \/ a pastor\u2014to whom he could confess what\u2019s taken place and help put together a game plan for going to talk to his wife. Have that other man help establish a support group that\u2014after the detonation of an atomic bomb occurs and all the nuclear waste is out in that relationship because there will be fall-out \/ there\u2019s going to be hurt that occurs here\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014you begin the process of building the relationship as it should have been in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Vicki, you and I have talked about the fact that some women you\u2019ve talked to, who have gone to pastors\u2014some of them have gotten what you said was poor advice \/ poor counsel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right. You know, I think pastors often aren\u2019t prepared to handle this situation. So, they want to fix it for her. Their counsel, sometimes, is askew. It\u2019s like Eli with Hannah. Eli sees her praying and crying. Her lips are moving, but he can\u2019t hear anything. He makes the assumption that she\u2019s drunk and that she needs to get away from the wine. You know what? He couldn\u2019t have been further\u2014he missed the mark by a <em>mile<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, sometimes, when these women come in, the pastor thinks, if he tells this woman, \u201cWe\u2019re going to get your husband into an accountability group,\u201d and \u201cHere\u2019s some great software,\u201d and \u201cHere\u2019s a book he could read,\u201d that will make it all better. The thing is that, just because the habit is taken care of, doesn\u2019t mean the havoc doesn\u2019t continue in her life. So, you need to have a plan for \u201cHow is she going to be restored too?\u201d I\u2019m encouraged by Job 22 that says, \u201cIf you return to the Almighty, you will be renewed.\u201d Showing her the way to the Wonderful Counselor, who can repair that heart, is going to be tremendous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut giving counsel like, \u201cWell, maybe if you hit the gym a few more times this week,\u201d or \u201cIf you were more available, on a more frequent basis, to your husband, sexually\u2014then he won\u2019t have this problem,\u201d is <em>not<\/em> the right kind of counsel that she needs to hear at this time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s really why you\u2019ve put together your book in a devotional setting, where a woman could process what she\u2019s feeling, and experiencing, and be led by another woman, who\u2019s been through this and guide her toward her heavenly Father, who can, ultimately, give her the spiritual life \/ the courage to walk through what may be a long, dark valley. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book you\u2019ve written, Vicki, is as if a woman would say, \u201cI wish I had a few minutes, every day, where I could talk with somebody who has gone through this experience\u2014someone who could encourage me, and support me, and help me in the midst of the journey that I\u2019m on.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what they get in this book because you share from your experience and you share the things you have learned from God\u2019s Word on your own journey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the book. Again, it\u2019s called <em>When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography<\/em>. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to order a copy of Vicki\u2019s book; or you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d and order the book by phone. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u00a0 to order a copy of the book, <em>When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography<\/em> by Vicki Tiede.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just encourage our listeners again\u2014if you\u2019ve never been to one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014you never know when issues are going to emerge in a marriage, whether it\u2019s pornography, or a prodigal son or daughter, or some kind of a calamity that comes into a family \/ a marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou want to make sure that your marriage is ready for the storm when the storm comes because the storm is going to come in a marriage relationship. The couples who know how to pursue intimacy \/ pursue oneness in the midst of that storm\u2014those are the couples who go the distance in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what we\u2019re all about, here at FamilyLife\u2014is helping couples go the distance. We\u2019d love to have you join us at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways this spring, especially if you\u2019ve never been to a getaway. Make this the year that you attend what is a fun romantic getaway weekend for couples. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and take advantage of the special offer we\u2019re making this week\u2014it expires on Sunday. So let us hear from you now. You pay the regular registration fee for yourself, and your spouse comes free. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat offer is good through Sunday. So go to FamilyLifeToday.com to take advantage of it; or call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d and join us for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019ll join us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk more with Vicki Tiede about how a wife can respond when she learns that her husband has been struggling with pornography. We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["25M"],"filesize_raw":["26214209"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303840.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303840.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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recalls finding her former husband's inappropriate magazines. Distraught and pregnant, she sought help from her pastor and recommitted her life and her marriage to Christ.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-01-21.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Vicki Tiede remembers clearly the day she found what no wife wants to find\u2014pornography on her husband\u2019s computer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> I was devastated! I literally cried until I made myself sick. Then, I told him what I had found; and he just twisted it all. He told me he was doing research for a book; you know, that I was blowing this up; it was <em>much<\/em> smaller than I was making it out to be; I was making such a <em>big<\/em> deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe somehow was able to twist my thinking. I think, when a woman is told that they are wrong, that they\u2019re not sane, that they are crazy\u2014when you\u2019re told these things enough times\u2014you kind of just start to question yourself: \u201cAm I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?\u201d It wasn\u2019t until a little bit later in my pregnancy that I was gone for a week, doing some work. While I was gone, he took a trip with someone else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Vicki Tiede joins us today to talk about how she responded when she learned that her husband was addicted to pornography. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. We are going to dive into a pretty heavy subject today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let me start off by saying, \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to our friends, Brian and Sharlyn Sipe, who live in Fayetteville, Pennsylvania. They listen to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>on WCRH. They have been married 32 years <em>today<\/em>. \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Sipes on their 32<sup>nd<\/sup> wedding anniversary. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re all about anniversaries, here at <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, we\u2019re celebrating our 40<sup>th<\/sup> anniversary as a ministry this year. But what really matters is, not our anniversary\u2014it\u2019s your anniversary. That\u2019s why we exist\u2014so that more listeners will have more anniversaries. So, \u201cCongratulations!\u201d to the Sipes on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t32 years of marriage together. They have been to <em>four<\/em> <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways during their marriage. Maybe that\u2019s one of the things that helped them get to 32 years together. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA quick reminder for our listeners\u2014that this weekend is the last opportunity you have if you\u2019d like to sign up [at a reduced price] for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway for this spring. If you pay the regular rate for yourself, your spouse can come at no charge\u2014comes free\u2014but that offer is good through this weekend. If you\u2019d like to take advantage of the special offer, be sure to get in touch with us ASAP. You can get more information or register online at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d We hope to see you at an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we talk about, Dennis, at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, is the subject of marriage intimacy. Whenever I am in that setting, where I\u2019m talking about intimacy, one of the subjects that we have to address is the subject of pornography because that is affecting marriage intimacy in a lot of marriages. In talking to the couples at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, I will talk to the guys about how to confess if this is an issue that\u2019s a struggle for them; but I also talk to the wives about what they need to do if their husband comes to them and comes clean with his struggle with pornography. It\u2019s never an easy situation or circumstance. It\u2019s always hard for a wife to hear that kind of news from her husband. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHusbands and wives have got to make a decision about whether they\u2019re going to work through the storm together or whether this is something that\u2019s going to send them into different corners; don\u2019t they?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob, that\u2019s one of the most powerful reasons why a couple ought to go to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. There are going to be storms in their marriage and in their family that they have to have a rock for their house to be standing on. The <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>will give them that rock. It may not be pornography, as we\u2019re talking about here today, but you will experience storms. If you haven\u2019t been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, I would encourage you, sometime this spring, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, and check out the locations for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> near you, and make plans to attend.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a guest with us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>\u2014Vicki Tiede, who joins us\u2014who is, unfortunately, a former wife of a man who was addicted to pornography. Vicki, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>\u00a0<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Thank you so much for having me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Vicki is a Bible teacher\/speaker. She leads the women\u2019s ministries at her local church. She and her husband, Mike, have been married since 1999. They have three children\u2014one from a previous marriage and two from your marriage to Mike. She\u2019s written a book called <em>When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart.<\/em>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTake us to the first time you had any hint when your first husband had any problem with pornography.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, I was a young bride, early in our marriage. I don\u2019t think I knew that it had anything to do with pornography, but I knew within three months of our getting married that things weren\u2019t <em>right<\/em>. Of course, I thought it must be something about <em>me<\/em>\u2014that I didn\u2019t have this wife-thing figured out\u2014so I sought counseling. I went to my pastor first and he\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, now; wait a second. When you say, \u201cThings weren\u2019t right,\u201d what do you mean by that? What was the hint at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, the hint for us was that there was <em>no<\/em> intimacy\u2014almost <em>none<\/em>. I thought that I was inadequate or not attractive enough. So, I was trying to figure that out. I would talk to my husband. He would say: \u201cNo, it has nothing to do with you. You know, I\u2019m just tired. I just don\u2019t feel like it.\u201d That just seemed contrary to what I expected! I thought it was going to be the opposite\u2014that he would want to be intimate and I might not\u2014at least, according to what the books and people were saying before. So I was surprised by that. I thought, \u201cOkay, then, there must be something about <em>me<\/em> that\u2019s not right; and I\u2019m not understanding this.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is something that faded from the honeymoon. I mean, it wasn\u2019t like, at the very beginning, you thought, \u201cThis isn\u2019t the way it\u2019s supposed to be.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, almost from the beginning, I knew it wasn\u2019t right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Wow!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes, even the honeymoon itself\u2014something wasn\u2019t right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember just praying and asking God, \u201cWill You show me what I\u2019m missing here?\u2014if there\u2019s something about me I need to fix?\u201d I had lost a lot of weight. I thought that might be the issue. I did a lot of different things\u2014keeping the house up differently, or fixing his favorite meals, or, you know, just being sensitive to his likes and dislikes. But then, it came to the point where I just said, \u201cLord, You\u2019ve got to show me if I\u2019m missing something here.\u201d I remember praying that distinctly before walking into the office that he used. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI feel like now, in hindsight, it was kind of booby-trapped so that I wouldn\u2019t want to go in there. His one task was to take the garbage out around the house. Instead of taking it out, he would pile it just inside of the office. I think it was so that I wouldn\u2019t go in, but I went in one day. I pulled out the filing cabinet drawer. It was <em>filled <\/em>with documents and pictures that he had downloaded from the computer. I was sick. I was just <em>sick<\/em> when I realized what I was seeing\u2014conversations\u2014internet chat room conversations\u2014that he had. There was no question\u2014it was his name\/username that was being used. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You said there was garbage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Garbage\u2014bags of garbage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Physical garbage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Physical bags of garbage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Like how many? You think he was doing that because it smelled so bad you would stay out of there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes. Five or six\u2014seven bags\u2014it would be a week or so that he wouldn\u2019t take the garbage out in order to try to keep me out of that room. It didn\u2019t have a lock on the door\u2014it was just a little bi-fold door. So, I think that was his way of keeping me out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> The symbolism of that\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes! Ironic; isn\u2019t it?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It really is. I want to be careful about saying something here, at the beginning of this story. We\u2019re <em>not<\/em> saying that just because a man may have a lower sex drive than his wife that that necessarily equates with a problem with pornography.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It <em>could<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> It could. It\u2019s one of the <em>flags<\/em> that you might be aware of, but it\u2019s usually one of many flags. The reason for that is\u2014if you engage in much pornography, you\u2019ll want more pornography. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt tends to draw people toward the pornography as opposed to real intimacy with their loved one. So, that\u2019s one sign. I think women are aware of that. When you\u2019re going to bed alone, night after night\u2014and that was my case\u2014you know, there were many, many mornings I would wake up, in the middle of the night\u2014two o\u2019clock in the morning\u2014and he wouldn\u2019t have ever come to bed.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would go looking for him, and he would be on the computer in the office. Most of the time, I snuck back to bed, and would curl up in the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep because I <em>knew<\/em> something was going on.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, there was a time when you found out there was something going on. That didn\u2019t bring everything to a head and turn the tide for you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right; no. Each time something new came to light\u2014you know, I was going to bed alone. He was on the computer; he\u2019d flip it off; I wouldn\u2019t know what it was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, now, hang on. I\u2019ve got to go back because you, undoubtedly, had a confrontation after you found what you found in the drawer.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He comes home from work. You say, \u201cI have to talk to you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cI found the garbage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> \u201cI found the garbage.\u201d Yes, the real garbage. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Take us to that conversation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, I remember, especially after that time\u2014this was at least two years, I guess, into our marriage. I was in the early stages of pregnancy\u2014so hormones were added on top of this. I was devastated. I literally cried until I made myself sick. Then, I told him what I had found; and he just twisted it all. He told me he was doing research for a book, you know, that I was blowing this up\u2014it was <em>much<\/em> smaller than I was making it out to be\u2014I was making such a big <em>deal<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe somehow was able to twist my thinking. I think, when a woman is told that they are wrong \/ that they are crazy\u2014when you\u2019re told these things enough times, you kind of just start to question yourself, you know: \u201cAm I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt wasn\u2019t until a little bit later in my pregnancy, that I was gone for a week, doing some work. While I was gone, he took a trip with someone else. I was devastated.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How did you find out about that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> He actually told me he was taking the trip, but he said he was going to visit a friend from years\u2019 past. When I returned home and started calling that friend, that\u2019s not where he was. We didn\u2019t have cell phones then. So, you know, it wasn\u2019t like I could track him down. All I had was the hotel number. I just remember calling, and calling, and calling, all night long, and not getting him\u2014then, later, finding evidence that he was on this trip with someone else.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Did you confront him about that then?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Again, it was: \u201cIt was platonic. It wasn\u2019t <em>anything<\/em>.\u201d I was blowing this all up. He <em>never<\/em>, at any time, owned the addiction. He <em>never<\/em> said, \u201cI have a problem with this.\u201d That term, pornography addiction, wasn\u2019t well-used at that time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Spiritually-speaking, had there been any discussion between the two of you, as you dated and were engaged, about: \u201cWhat does God have to do with our marriage, and with our family, with our values? What about the Scriptures?\u201d Had there been any of those conversations?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> You know, it\u2019s interesting\u2014I was active in our church, and he was less so; but he proclaimed himself to be a strong believer. I knew his family to be. We didn\u2019t\u2014we didn\u2019t sit down and have those conversations. We didn\u2019t read the Bible together. We did our required counseling before we got married. We went through all of the prerequisites \/ answered all of the questions, but it was really kind of just going through the motions more than it being something meaningful and talking about how God was going to work in our lives. Right after we got married, I was going to church alone on Sundays.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I want to make a comment about that because we discussed the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, Bob, at the beginning of the broadcast\u2014talking about married couples who come to our weekend getaway to get the blueprints for building their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey may, in the process, discover there are issues in their marriage that need to be dealt with, there, that weekend. We give them the tools to do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think one of the best things we do at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is for those who are contemplating engagement\u2014single people <em>or<\/em> those who are already engaged who get the <em>Weekend to Remember <\/em>as a wedding gift and go <em>before<\/em> they get married. I wonder\u2014you know, you can\u2019t answer that question now\u2014what would have happened if, Vicki, you and your fianc\u00e9, at that point, had attended something like that? There would have certainly been some warning signs, at that point, if he showed <em>no<\/em> interest in God or in Him being the Builder and Maker of your marriage and family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, I just have to say, because some people may be listening and thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t want to go to one of those weekends you\u2019re talking about because it sounds like all of the issues are going to be laid out and your marriage, that is functioning fine, is going to get turned upside down.\u201d That\u2019s a little bit like saying, \u201cI\u2019m not going to take my car in for a check-up before the long trip because they might find something wrong with it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cLet\u2019s just let it break down, and then we\u2019ll try to find a\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201c\u2014find a solution.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s the point. This is a part of how you do healthy, preventive maintenance on a marriage\u2014is by digging in and finding out: \u201cWhat are the issues? How are we doing? Where can we use some help? Where are we doing okay?\u201d\u2014to do that, as an engaged couple \/ that is a healthy thing to do\u2014to do it when you\u2019ve been married for three years, or for thirteen years, or for thirty years.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It\u2019s always a healthy form of preventive maintenance for your marriage. So, again, if folks want more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, they can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and look on our website for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I want to go back. You made the statement that the first time you came across magazines\u2014your husband talked you out of it: \u201cSomebody must have left this here at our house.\u201d I\u2019m thinking to myself: \u201c<em>Vicki<\/em>! You\u2019re a smart woman. Come on!\u201d Then, the second time, it was, \u201cI\u2019m doing research on a book.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> I know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And then, the third time, \u201cIt was platonic.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Oh, trust me! By the second and third time, I did not believe the stories any more. I knew that if, in fact, if he was doing research for a book, it would <em>only<\/em> be available in an adult book store. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> There\u2019s no question. You know, I <em>knew<\/em> that was the case. I did make some ultimatums, at that point, and set some boundaries, and said: \u201cYou need to get help with this! We need to go to counseling and get help.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe thing is\u2014that\u2019s only helpful if you admit that you\u2019ve got a problem and you\u2019re willing to tell the truth to a counselor. That\u2019s the thing about these pornography addictions\u2014they\u2019re shrouded in lies. His entire existence, he\u2019d been lying. He never was honest with a counselor. It never lasted more than two sessions because they would get too close to the truth, and we\u2019d be out of there. He wouldn\u2019t go back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> He\u2019d just say, \u201cI\u2019m not going to that guy again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So what would you say to the wife, who\u2019s listening right now, who\u2019s going, \u201cYou have described what\u2019s taking place in our marriage,\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019ve caught him a couple of times. I\u2019ve found clues. I\u2019ve confronted him. He\u2019s told me things\u2014\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cHe\u2019s done the same thing to me that he did to Vicki.\u201d What would you say to a young lady?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes. I think you have to have the hard conversation and tell them what you suspect. If you\u2019re not being told the truth or you don\u2019t believe that you\u2019re hearing the truth, then you need to get yourself some support. You need to go and talk to a pastor. You need to get some counseling. There is absolutely nothing like being in a support group with other women, whose husbands are going through the same thing because you never know what it\u2019s like to be a widow until you\u2019re a widow; likewise, you don\u2019t <em>really<\/em> know what it\u2019s like to be married to someone addicted to pornography until you\u2019re that woman. A support network is <em>profoundly<\/em> huge.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to say one thing, though. You talk about, \u201cif she has discovered these things.\u201d My prayer is always that she never has to discover these things\u2014she won\u2019t walk in on something, or open a filing cabinet, or turn on her computer and be bombarded with things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRather, my prayer is that men will tell their wife what is going on because, when you don\u2019t, she is always left to wonder if you would have <em>ever <\/em>told her. Are you <em>really<\/em> sorry or are you just sorry you got caught? That will plague her. It does slow down the recovery process. As painful as it is to have to go to your wife, and tell her what\u2019s happening, it\u2019s the <em>kindest<\/em> thing you can do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What you\u2019re talking about is what\u2019s talked about in II Corinthians as the difference between worldly sorrow and godly sorrow because godly sorrow is that internal motivation, brought on by the Holy Spirit\u2014the conviction that comes\u2014that causes somebody to say, \u201cI can\u2019t live this way anymore,\u201d and to come clean on their own. The person who gets caught\u2014it\u2019s a little hard to tell whether they\u2019ve reached a point of conviction or whether it\u2019s just, \u201cI\u2019m sorry I got caught; and I\u2019m going to try to either hide it better, or stay clean for a while and let this thing blow over.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And what I would want a man to hear, who\u2019s listening to Vicki right now: \u201cListen to this woman tell you what your wife would want to happen in your heart. She would want you to repent on your own\u2014not have to be confronted.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u201cDon\u2019t put it on <em>her<\/em> or on a group of other people to do that. Step up, be courageous, and face your bad stuff. It may mean you\u2019re going to have to admit some weaknesses, and flaws, and faults; but that\u2019s what repentance, ultimately, deals with.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that situation, Bob\u2014back to the repentance that is truly provoked by a desire for godliness\u2014that\u2019s where hope, healing, reconciliation, and restoration in a relationship can occur. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So the guy, who\u2019s listening, and says: \u201cOkay, if I go to my wife today, tomorrow, or this weekend, and I say, \u2018I need to come clean about some stuff,\u2019 Dennis, you don\u2019t know. I\u2019ve seen my wife get angry. I don\u2019t think our marriage will survive it.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, I think, first of all, I would not instruct him to go to his wife first. I would instruct him to go to a man\u2014hopefully, a godly counselor \/ a pastor\u2014to whom he could confess what\u2019s taken place and help put together a game plan for going to talk to his wife. Have that other man help establish a support group that\u2014after the detonation of an atomic bomb occurs and all the nuclear waste is out in that relationship because there will be fall-out \/ there\u2019s going to be hurt that occurs here\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014you begin the process of building the relationship as it should have been in the first place.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Vicki, you and I have talked about the fact that some women you\u2019ve talked to, who have gone to pastors\u2014some of them have gotten what you said was poor advice \/ poor counsel.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Right. You know, I think pastors often aren\u2019t prepared to handle this situation. So, they want to fix it for her. Their counsel, sometimes, is askew. It\u2019s like Eli with Hannah. Eli sees her praying and crying. Her lips are moving, but he can\u2019t hear anything. He makes the assumption that she\u2019s drunk and that she needs to get away from the wine. You know what? He couldn\u2019t have been further\u2014he missed the mark by a <em>mile<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, sometimes, when these women come in, the pastor thinks, if he tells this woman, \u201cWe\u2019re going to get your husband into an accountability group,\u201d and \u201cHere\u2019s some great software,\u201d and \u201cHere\u2019s a book he could read,\u201d that will make it all better. The thing is that, just because the habit is taken care of, doesn\u2019t mean the havoc doesn\u2019t continue in her life. So, you need to have a plan for \u201cHow is she going to be restored too?\u201d I\u2019m encouraged by Job 22 that says, \u201cIf you return to the Almighty, you will be renewed.\u201d Showing her the way to the Wonderful Counselor, who can repair that heart, is going to be tremendous.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut giving counsel like, \u201cWell, maybe if you hit the gym a few more times this week,\u201d or \u201cIf you were more available, on a more frequent basis, to your husband, sexually\u2014then he won\u2019t have this problem,\u201d is <em>not<\/em> the right kind of counsel that she needs to hear at this time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s really why you\u2019ve put together your book in a devotional setting, where a woman could process what she\u2019s feeling, and experiencing, and be led by another woman, who\u2019s been through this and guide her toward her heavenly Father, who can, ultimately, give her the spiritual life \/ the courage to walk through what may be a long, dark valley. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The book you\u2019ve written, Vicki, is as if a woman would say, \u201cI wish I had a few minutes, every day, where I could talk with somebody who has gone through this experience\u2014someone who could encourage me, and support me, and help me in the midst of the journey that I\u2019m on.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what they get in this book because you share from your experience and you share the things you have learned from God\u2019s Word on your own journey. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got copies of the book. Again, it\u2019s called <em>When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography<\/em>. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to order a copy of Vicki\u2019s book; or you can call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d and order the book by phone. Again, the website is FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u00a0 to order a copy of the book, <em>When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography<\/em> by Vicki Tiede.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just encourage our listeners again\u2014if you\u2019ve never been to one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways\u2014you never know when issues are going to emerge in a marriage, whether it\u2019s pornography, or a prodigal son or daughter, or some kind of a calamity that comes into a family \/ a marriage relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou want to make sure that your marriage is ready for the storm when the storm comes because the storm is going to come in a marriage relationship. The couples who know how to pursue intimacy \/ pursue oneness in the midst of that storm\u2014those are the couples who go the distance in their marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what we\u2019re all about, here at FamilyLife\u2014is helping couples go the distance. We\u2019d love to have you join us at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways this spring, especially if you\u2019ve never been to a getaway. Make this the year that you attend what is a fun romantic getaway weekend for couples. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and take advantage of the special offer we\u2019re making this week\u2014it expires on Sunday. So let us hear from you now. You pay the regular registration fee for yourself, and your spouse comes free. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat offer is good through Sunday. So go to FamilyLifeToday.com to take advantage of it; or call 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d and join us for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you\u2019ll join us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk more with Vicki Tiede about how a wife can respond when she learns that her husband has been struggling with pornography. We\u2019ll talk about that tomorrow. I hope you can be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303840","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303840"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303840"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303840"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303840"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303840"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303840"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303840"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}