{"id":303830,"date":"2016-01-14T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2016-01-14T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/speaking-love-to-your-spouse-affirmation-or-gifts\/"},"modified":"2025-01-09T13:30:18","modified_gmt":"2025-01-09T18:30:18","slug":"speaking-love-to-your-spouse-affirmation-or-gifts","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-love-to-your-spouse-affirmation-or-gifts\/","title":{"rendered":"Speaking Love to Your Spouse: Affirmation or Gifts"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Series: Love is an Attitude | Does it sometimes feel as if you and your spouse are speaking different languages? Well, perhaps that&#8217;s exactly what is happening! Dr. Gary Chapman helps you come up to speed as he unpacks two of the five love languages.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Does it sometimes feel as if you and your spouse are speaking different languages? Dr. Gary Chapman brings you up to speed as he unpacks two of the five love languages.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-01-14.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"26.01M","filesize_raw":"27268481","date_recorded":"2016-01-14 12:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2862],"tags":[5819,4213,4050,2877],"podcast_series":[8122],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303830","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-differences","tag-intimacy-in-marriage","tag-love","tag-marital-intimacy","tag-marriage","podcast_series-love-is-an-attitude","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303830\/speaking-love-to-your-spouse-affirmation-or-gifts","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303830\/speaking-love-to-your-spouse-affirmation-or-gifts","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"vBwdBgtWjz\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-love-to-your-spouse-affirmation-or-gifts\/\">Speaking Love to Your Spouse: Affirmation or Gifts<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speaking-love-to-your-spouse-affirmation-or-gifts\/embed\/#?secret=vBwdBgtWjz\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Speaking Love to Your Spouse: Affirmation or Gifts&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"vBwdBgtWjz\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Does it sometimes feel as if you and your spouse are speaking different languages? Dr. Gary Chapman brings you up to speed as he unpacks two of the five love languages.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2016-01-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>We talk a lot on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> about marriage, but what about talking about love?\u00a0 Here\u2019s Dr. Gary Chapman.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Gary: <\/strong>I doubt that you\u2019ve ever heard a sermon on falling in love. In our culture, if you want to learn about falling in love, you have to listen to country music [Laughter] because they are either falling in love or out of love every other song.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, January 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll hear a sermon on love today\u2014a sermon about giving and receiving love\u2014from a guy who knows something about it. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Thursday edition. We\u2019re going to hear a classic today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We are.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I mean, this is\u2014and I\u2014when I say this\u2014even if you have heard Gary Chapman unpack the five love languages, it will not hurt you to hear it again.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, no it\u2019s not because this message is a <em>great<\/em> message. I\u2019ll bet you he has given this message a few hundred times. So, it is well-polished.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I have to tell you\u2014every time I have the opportunity and go out and speak at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaways\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>2:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014which I\u2019ll be doing in Nashville this spring\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I\u2019ll be doing it in Indianapolis.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014I <em>always<\/em> refer to these five love languages because this is one of those things that, in Mary Ann\u2019s and my marriage, when we understood how I was trying to express love to her was not how she understood love \/ how she received it, it really made a difference.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, listen up, men!\u00a0 This is your chance to get it right. You\u2019ve got to\u2014you\u2019re going to get some coaching from the winner of at least 50 national championships in love language across the country. [Laughter]\u00a0 I mean, this guy\u2014who knows how many millions of books have sold. In fact, he told me at one point that it\u2019s sold more each year than the previous year.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Still sells great\u2014it\u2019s a great book. It\u2019s just a very practical way to help husbands and wives understand how to communicate better with one another. While we\u2019re on the subject of practical ways for husbands and wives to communicate and to love one another, a weekend away at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> is not a bad idea; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>3:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It is, in fact, a <em>mandatory<\/em> idea. I just want to say a word to Legacy Partners: \u201cThank you, as a Legacy Partner, for making this ministry on the radio possible\u2014keeping us on the air\u2014because it\u2019s through these broadcasts that we minister to people <em>and<\/em> that we tell them where to find help and hope at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. Thank you for standing with us because we\u2019re going to impact somewhere in the neighborhood of 50,000 people at our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. You, as a Legacy Partner through your donations, are making a difference.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And we\u2019ve got a special offer that we\u2019ve got in place right now for those of you who want to go to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u2014and I\u2019ve met some of you \/ I\u2019ve run into you. You\u2019ve admitted to my face that you listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> and that \u201cNo,\u201d you haven\u2019t been to the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> yet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Some of our Legacy Partners haven\u2019t been to a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. It\u2019s time to go!\u00a0 You are not going to regret it. You\u2019re not going to be asked to do anything up front in front of people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It is going to be a great weekend \/ a fun weekend. You\u2019re going to be entertained. It\u2019s going to be practical; and you\u2019re going to leave there\u2014you are going to leave there with a lot of help, a lot of encouragement, and a lot of hope.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And if you sign up to attend the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> right now, you pay for yourself to come at the regular price and your spouse comes free. So, it\u2019s the best offer we make all year. It\u2019s for a limited time\u2014we need to hear from you today. If you\u2019d like to come to Indianapolis to hear Dennis, or to Nashville to hear me, or any of four or five dozen other locations where we are hosting <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways this spring, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and sign up today. Again, you pay the regular rate for yourself, and your spouse comes free. It\u2019s a buy one \/ get one free offer, and we need for you to do that today. If you have any questions, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and look for information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>; or call: 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 We can answer any questions you have over the phone.<\/p>\n<p><strong>5:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Now, let\u2019s get to Gary Chapman coaching us on how we can do a better job of loving one another in our marriage relationship.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Gary: <\/strong>Tonight, I want to speak to you on what I believe to be the most important word in the English language <em>and<\/em> the most confusing word in the English language. I say that love is the most important word because Jesus once said, \u201cThis is the way that they can tell that you are my disciple by the way you love each other.\u201d\u00a0 He gave the non-Christian world the right to judge whether or not we are his followers by the way we love each other. That makes it pretty important.<\/p>\n<p>But I say that love is the most <em>confusing<\/em> word in the English language because we use the word love in a thousand ways. We say, for example, \u201cI love hot dogs,\u201d or in North Carolina, where I live, we say, \u201cI love barbeque.\u201d [Cheering]<\/p>\n<p><strong>6:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Then, I hear people say, \u201cI just love the mountains,\u201d \u201cOh, I love the beach,\u201d \u201cLove my new car!\u201d \u201cLove my mom.\u201d\u00a0 And then, we say to a special someone [whispering], \u2018I love you.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 Hot dogs, and barbeque, and [whispering] \u201cI love you.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u2019m not going to speak on the thousand ways in which we use the word love. I\u2019m going to speak only about three ways we use the word love. I\u2019m going to focus on the third of those. I want to begin by talking about the experience of falling in love. Now, we don\u2019t talk about this much in church. In our culture, if you want to learn about falling in love, you have to listen to country music [Laughter] because they are either falling in love or out of love every other song. So, I\u2019m going to just focus a little bit on this topic tonight\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>7:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014this way that we use the word love.<\/p>\n<p>This kind of love begins with a feeling. I call it \u201cthe tingles.\u201d\u00a0 I like to think that all of us have inside a little love-alert system similar to a smoke alarm. [Laughter]\u00a0 When you see certain people, there is something about the way they look, about the way they talk, or about the way they emote that gives you a little tingle inside. In fact, it\u2019s the tingles that motivate us to go out for dinner together.<\/p>\n<p>You know, <em>sometimes<\/em>, you lose the tingles on the first date. You find out something <em>about<\/em> him that you can\u2019t tolerate, and that relationship never gets off the ground; but there are other relationships that, every time you go out for a hamburger, it gets tinglier, and tinglier, and tinglier. One night, one of you will say something like this:<\/p>\n<p><strong>8:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know, I think I could love you.\u201d [Laughter] We\u2019re testing the waters to see if they feel what we feel. If they give you a positive response, such as, \u201cWhat would be so bad about that?\u201d\u2014oooooh\u2014you have a tender evening. The next time the moon is right, you will likely say the words [whispering], \u201cI love you,\u201d and they say [whispering], \u201cI love you too.\u201d\u00a0 Wheeew!\u00a0 Now, you know you\u2019ve got it because you said it out loud!<\/p>\n<p>At that point, it becomes an emotional obsession. You can\u2019t get them off your <em>mind<\/em>. You go to bed thinking about them, you wake up thinking about them, all day long you think about them. They are the most wonderful person you have ever met in your life! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Now, here\u2019s the part of the problem with this experience\u2014in our culture, we\u2019ve been taught to believe that if you\u2019ve got the real thing, it\u2019s going to last forever.<\/p>\n<p><strong>9:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>But we\u2019ve studied it\u2014Dorothy Tennov, Bridgeport, Connecticut, long-term study\u2014you know what she found out?\u00a0 The average life span of the obsession is two years\u2014some a little longer \/ some a little less\u2014average two years\u2014and we come down off the high. Now, you know what happens at that stage\u2014all your differences emerge. You start arguing about the differences. Before long, you\u2019re saying nasty, cruel, hurtful things to each other. A few months later, you just feel like you are trapped, and you\u2019re in a terrible relationship here and there is no good way out.<\/p>\n<p>Then, you know what happens\u2014one of you gets the tingles for somebody else. You start the whole process over with the lunches, and the dinners, and the rendezvous. Then, a few months down the road, you say to the person [your spouse], \u201cI just don\u2019t love you anymore.\u201d\u00a0 Then, you pull out of the marriage, and you follow the tingles over here because now you think you have got the <em>real<\/em> thing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>10:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The reality is\u2014in two years, you come down off the high here. If you don\u2019t learn how to keep love alive, you go through the same cycle again.<\/p>\n<p>Now, the second way I want to address the word love is: \u201cLove is an attitude.\u201d\u00a0 Now, this doesn\u2019t sound nearly as exciting; does it?\u2014Ephesians 5:25: \u201cHusbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.\u201d\u00a0 You think he\u2019s talking about the tingles?\u2014\u201cHusbands get the tingles for your wife like Christ has the tingles for the church,\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014no, no, no, no. He\u2019s talking about something very, very different.<\/p>\n<p>And we do a fair amount of teaching and preaching on this in the church; and that is: \u201cLove is an attitude. Love is a way of <em>thinking<\/em>. It is the attitude that says, \u2018I choose to look out for your interests. How can I help you?\u2019\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s the Greek word <em>phil\u00eda<\/em> from which we get our word Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>11:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014you might wonder that if you\u2019ve ever been there, but that\u2019s what it means. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u2019m not going to spend a lot of time on this, but this is <em>extremely<\/em> important. The reason I\u2019m not spending much time on it is because we preach about this a great deal in our churches. But every single day, every one of us chooses an attitude of love, or we choose not to love; we choose to look out for other people, or we choose to look out for ourselves. We are, by nature, self-centered; but as Christians, we are called to be loving people, not only to our spouse and children, but to everyone we encounter.<\/p>\n<p>When they encounter us, Jesus said they are to encounter a lover\u2014someone who is loving. And we choose every single day to have this attitude or not to have the attitude. Then, out of the attitude, grows behavior\u2014we seek to do things or say things that will be beneficial to other people. When we do, we make an impact on their lives in a positive way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>12:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Every single day, I choose to love my wife or not to love my wife. I have a loving attitude, or I have a selfish attitude. It makes all the difference in the world when I choose a loving attitude.<\/p>\n<p>But the third way\u2014the one I want to focus on when we use the word love\u2014is love as an emotional <em>need<\/em>. Almost everyone agrees\u2014Christians and non-Christians\u2014that the most fundamental emotional need we have on the human level is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. That\u2019s true if you are a child, if you are a teenager, if you\u2019re a single adult, or if you are a married adult\u2014to feel loved by the significant people in our lives.<\/p>\n<p>If a child grows up feeling loved by the parents, the child grows up normally; but the child that grows up with an empty love tank, feeling their parents don\u2019t love them\u2014they will grow up with many internal struggles.<\/p>\n<p><strong>13:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In the teenager years, they will go looking for love, typically, in all the wrong places.<\/p>\n<p>I also believe that adults have a love tank. If you are married, the person you would most <em>like<\/em> to love you is your spouse. In fact, if you feel loved by your spouse, life is beautiful; but if the love tank is empty and you feel like: \u201cThey don\u2019t love me. They wish they weren\u2019t married to me,\u201d then, life can begin to look dark. Much of the misbehavior of adults grows out of an empty love tank. You see the person who is most attracted to a new set of tingles is the person who has an empty love tank.<\/p>\n<p>What I want to talk about is: \u201cHow do we keep the love tank <em>full<\/em> after we come down off the <em>high<\/em> of the in-love experience?\u201d\u00a0 Now, here is one of the major problems in doing that; and that is: \u201cWhat makes one person feel loved doesn\u2019t make another person feel loved.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll never forget the day I first encountered this.<\/p>\n<p><strong>14:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A couple came into my office. I found out later they\u2019d been married to each other for 30 years. The wife began the conversation by saying, \u201cI want you to know, Dr. Chapman, right up front, that we don\u2019t have any money problems.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cI was reading an article in a magazine that said the number one problem in marriage is money.\u201d\u00a0 She said: \u201cBut that\u2019s never been true for us. We\u2019ve never had any problem with money.\u201d She said: \u201cI also want you to know that we don\u2019t argue. We don\u2019t believe in arguing.\u201d\u00a0 Then, she went on with two or three more positive things. I began to wonder, \u201cDid they come in here to tell me what a good marriage they have?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>But then, she started crying. She said [imitating crying]: \u201cBut Dr. Chapman, the problem is I just don\u2019t feel any love coming from him. It\u2019s like we\u2019re two roommates living in the same house.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cIt\u2019s been going on for 20 years.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cI don\u2019t know how much longer I can handle this!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>15:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And she went on, and on, and on.<\/p>\n<p>Well, when she got through, I looked over at him. He said [slow drawl]: \u201cI don\u2019t understand <em>her<\/em>. I do everything I can to show her that I love her, and she sits there and tells you she doesn\u2019t feel loved.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cI don\u2019t know what else to do.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, what do you do to show your love to her?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, I get home from work before she does, and I start the evening meal.\u201d\u00a0 He said: \u201cSome nights, I have it ready when she gets home. If not, she\u2019ll help me; and we\u2019ll finish it up, and we eat together.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cAfter it\u2019s over, I\u2019ll wash the dishes if I don\u2019t have to go to a meeting.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cEvery Thursday night, I vacuum the floors.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cOn Saturday, I\u2019ll wash the car and I mow the grass.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cThen, I help her with the clothes\u2014the laundry\u2014through the week.\u201d\u00a0 And he went on.<\/p>\n<p>I was beginning to wonder, \u201cWhat does this woman do?!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 It sounded to me like he was doing everything! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>16:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He said, \u201cI do all these things to show her that I love her, and she sits there and says to you what she\u2019s been telling me\u2014she doesn\u2019t feel loved.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cDr. Chapman, I don\u2019t know what else to do.\u201d Well, I look back at her; and she said [imitating crying]: \u201cDr. Chapman, he is right. He\u2019s a hardworking man.\u201d\u00a0 She said: \u201cBut we don\u2019t ever talk. We haven\u2019t talked in 20 years.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cHe\u2019s always washing the dishes or mowing the grass.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 Do you understand what\u2019s going on?!\u00a0 A <em>sincere<\/em> husband, who loves his wife in the best way he knows how, and a wife who doesn\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n<p>Through the years, I\u2019ve encountered <em>hundreds<\/em> of couples in my office, who were sincere, but they were missing each other emotionally.<\/p>\n<p><strong>17:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I knew that I was hearing a pattern because I heard the same stories over, and over, and over again. I knew there was a pattern, but I didn\u2019t know what it was. Eventually, I sat down and read <em>12<\/em> <em>years<\/em> of notes that I made when I was counseling people. I asked myself the question: \u201cWhen someone said, \u2018I feel like my spouse doesn\u2019t love me,\u2019 what did they want?\u00a0 What were they complaining about?\u201d\u00a0 Their answers fell into five categories\u2014I later called them the five love languages.<\/p>\n<p>I began to use that in my counseling and shared the concept that people have different ways of expressing love. If you are going to be successful, you have to learn to speak the other person\u2019s language. When I did, they would come back and say, \u201cOh, Dr. Chapman, I mean, things are changing in our relationship.\u201d\u00a0 Then, I started sharing that in small groups; and the same thing happened.<\/p>\n<p><strong>18:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Probably five years later, I said to myself, \u201cYou know, if I could put this concept in a book and write it in the language of the common person\u2014leave out all the psychological jargon\u2014maybe, I could help couples that I would never have time to see in my office.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Love Language Number 1: Words of Affirmation\u2014using words to affirm the other person. First Corinthians, Chapter 8, verse 1: \u201cLove edifies; love builds up.\u201d\u00a0 So, if you\u2019re going to use words to build up, you would use compliments: \u201cYou look nice in that outfit,\u201d \u201cReally appreciate what you did.\u201d\u00a0 You can focus on their personality \/ you can focus on their character; but you\u2019re using words to affirm them. You see the Book of Proverbs says, \u201cLife and death are in the power of the tongue.\u201d\u00a0 You can kill your spouse or you can give them life by the way you talk to them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>19:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Now, one lady said to me, \u201cGary, I hear what you\u2019re saying, and I understand\u2014I understand what you mean.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cI know it would be good if I give my husband some positive words.\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cBut to be honest with you, I can\u2019t think of anything good to say about the man.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, does he ever take a shower?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, yes.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, how often?\u201d\u00a0 She said, \u201cWell, every day.\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cWell, if I were you, I\u2019d start there: \u2018I appreciate your taking a shower. [Laughter]\u00a0 There are men who don\u2019t!\u201d\u00a0 I have never met a man \/ never met a woman you couldn\u2019t find something good to say about them.<\/p>\n<p>You see, ladies, when you give him a positive word, there is something inside of him that wants to be <em>better<\/em>. When you give him a critical word, there\u2019s something inside of him that wants to shoot you!\u00a0 [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Love Language Number 2 is Gifts. Ephesians 5:25, the verse I quoted earlier: \u201cHusbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>20:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In that illustration, Christ, Himself, is the gift. The Scriptures say in James that all good gifts come down from God\u2014God is a gift-giver. It\u2019s one of the ways He expresses His love to us.<\/p>\n<p>My academic background is anthropology. I did an undergrad and graduate degree in anthropology before I started counseling and theology. We have never discovered a culture where gift-giving is not an expression of love. It\u2019s universal to give gifts as an expression of love. You see, the gift says, \u201cHe was thinking about me,\u201d \u201cShe was thinking about me,\u201d \u201cLook, what they got for me.\u201d\u00a0 You have to <em>think<\/em> about somebody to get them a gift. Haven\u2019t we always said, \u201cIt\u2019s the thought that counts,\u201d?\u00a0 But I remind you: \u201cIt\u2019s not the thought left in your head that counts. It\u2019s the gift that came <em>out<\/em> of the thought in your head.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>21:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You know, guys, you can get flowers free a good bit of the year depending on where you live. Just go out in your backyard and pick one\u2014that\u2019s what your kids do. How many mothers have ever received a dandelion from your kids?\u00a0 Yes. Guys, I\u2019m not suggesting dandelions; okay?\u00a0 [Laughter] You don\u2019t have any flowers in your backyard?!\u2014your neighbor\u2019s yard\u2014[Laughter] \u2014ask them; they\u2019ll give you a flower.<\/p>\n<p>Or you could go to a funeral and ask the family to give you a flower. [Laughter]\u00a0 I did that not long ago. [Laughter] I went to a funeral. After the funeral, the church had a luncheon for the family. I went to the luncheon. I walked in, and I noticed they had these vases of red roses. When I got ready to leave, I just said to one of the ladies, \u201cDo you mind if I take one of those roses to my wife?\u201d\u00a0 She said: \u201cOh, Dr. Chapman! You can have this <em>whole<\/em> vase.\u201d\u00a0 I went home with two dozen red roses!\u00a0 I told her where I got them\u2014she still liked them. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>22:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, what do you\u2014makes you want to run right down to the funeral parlor; doesn\u2019t it? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m just telling you\u2014if I get them from a funeral parlor, I\u2019m not telling Barbara!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s not a matter of deceiving her.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You lose <em>all<\/em> the points.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I don\u2019t think you get any points for roses from a funeral. [Laughter] Here\u2019s the point\u2014he\u2019s talking about showing your love through words of affirmation \/ through gifts that communicate love to your spouse. Guys, just do it \/ ladies, step out\u2014do something that would communicate to your husband that you respect him \/ that you are committed to him.<\/p>\n<p>And you know what?\u00a0 This is what marriage is all about\u2014you can\u2019t stop courting one another.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have to tell you\u2014gifts are <em>last<\/em> on Mary Ann\u2019s love language list. It\u2019s the last thing that she wants.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s not true. I\u2019ve given her chocolate\u2014chocolate ice cream. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>If I came home with a gift of a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> and I said, \u201cThis is the gift,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>23:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014now, I\u2019ve given her quality time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Now, I\u2019ve given her phys\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Words of affirmation.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Words of affirmation. I\u2019ve given her\u2014well, there\u2019s probably no act of service in there. You can hope for some physical touch. You know, I\u2019m just saying\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You can hope! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014that\u2019s the opportunity that you\u2019ve got\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>In which direction?\u00a0 [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. And this is the perfect time to sign up for one of the upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways because, this week and next week, if you sign up, you pay the regular price for yourself and your spouse comes at no additional cost. It\u2019s a buy one \/ get one free opportunity. It\u2019s good this week and next week <em>only<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>All you have to do is go to FamilyLifeToday.com to get more information, or to register, or if you\u2019d like to find out when an event is happening in a city near where you live or city you\u2019d like to travel to. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; or call us, toll-free, at:<\/p>\n<p><strong>24:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Come on out and join us at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, we\u2019ll hear the other love languages. We only got two of them today. We\u2019ll hear the other three tomorrow. So, I hope you can tune in for that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2016 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303830","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303830"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303830"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303830"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303830"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303830"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303830"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303830"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}