{"id":303780,"date":"2015-12-14T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-12-14T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/blending-your-family-traditions\/"},"modified":"2015-12-14T12:00:00","modified_gmt":"2015-12-14T17:00:00","slug":"blending-your-family-traditions","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-your-family-traditions\/","title":{"rendered":"Blending Your Family Traditions"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Bob and Vicki Maday each had adult children when they got married. Bob and Vicki&#8217;s adult daughters share the complicated emotions they had to wade through when their parents married and created a new blended family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-12-14.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.4M","filesize_raw":"25581377","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,2894],"tags":[2288,2560,5905,5904,5276],"podcast_series":[7919],"cwp_profile":[9285,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303780","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-stepfamily-living","tag-adult-children","tag-blended-families","tag-blending-traditions","tag-difficult-transitions","tag-stepfamilies","podcast_series-stepfamilies-and-holidays","cwp_profile-bob-and-vicki-maday","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303780\/blending-your-family-traditions","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303780\/blending-your-family-traditions","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"iDTno8zN3j\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-your-family-traditions\/\">Blending Your Family Traditions<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blending-your-family-traditions\/embed\/#?secret=iDTno8zN3j\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Blending Your Family Traditions&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"iDTno8zN3j\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-12-14.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-12-14.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bob and Vicki Maday married late in life. Both had lost a spouse. Bob says neither of them were prepared for the impact the holidays would have on their attempt to blend a new family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob M:<\/strong> We had taken some lead, as we were getting counseled in our remarriage, that we would try to start some new traditions. We made every effort to make new things sort of happen in our new family. The interesting thing that happened was\u2014when it came to Christmas\u2014that tradition sort of superseded anything else that we had expected. We were put under pressure to hold the tradition in place, and it was quite interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, December 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. If you are in a blended family and you\u2019re headed into the holidays for the first time, get ready.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. I\u2019m just curious. You\u2019ve had a number of pictures taken of your family over the years; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> To your knowledge, was there ever any airbrushing done?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely! [Laughter] Photoshop, airbrushing\u2014you can\u2019t get a family perfect\u2014I mean, in real life or in photography. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, those Christmas pictures I\u2019ve been getting through the years bear only a marginal resemblance to the real thing\u2014\u2014 is what you\u2019re saying. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When I introduce my family and I show a picture, I say, \u201cYou know how we got that picture? We photo-shopped in two children\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwho weren\u2019t even in the picture at the time. We opened the eyes of two or three kids who never can seem to keep their eyes open during a picture.\u201d And I say: \u201cYou know what? There is a reason for that because all families have their blemishes.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, you had to take a couple hundred shots to get one where everybody was looking at the camera; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, this was back in the days when you used to take, like, ten rolls. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember rolls. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Hundreds\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, I remember rolls. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014hundreds of pictures to get a good one. I won\u2019t tell you which one of our kids, but we had one\u2014this child was called \u201cThe Many Faces of <em>Blank<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter]I mean, if there was a way to make a strange-looking face\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014this child could do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014this child did it. I\u2019ve done a good job of protecting the identity, at this point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reason I ask you if you\u2019ve ever had anything airbrushed is because this is going to be one of those non-airbrushed days\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014as we talk about the holidays, and families, and challenges, and tensions, and, particularly, how those can emerge during the holiday season if you\u2019re in a remarriage or a blended-family situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right, Bob. In fact, you don\u2019t have to be in a blended family to have a lot of reality in your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can send out one of these Christmas cards that is airbrushed like you talked about, or photo-shopped, and you can make it look perfect. But every family listening to me right now knows we\u2019re all very, very <em>real<\/em> families\u2014we\u2019ve got issues, we\u2019ve got struggles, we\u2019ve got battles. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is here for is to be your trusted advisor around how to handle these issues from a biblical standpoint\u2014how to be a husband, who loves and leads, and cares for his family, and provides spiritual direction for his family, not only here at Christmas time and around the holidays, but the other 360-plus days of the year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we couldn\u2019t do what we do if it weren\u2019t for our listeners who help make all of this possible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to say something\u2014your generosity makes a difference \/ it changes lives. So we\u2019re inviting you\u2014we really are\u2014we\u2019re inviting you in joining with us in touching lives, and changing families, and leaving legacies for the generation that follows.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The month of December is an important month \/ it\u2019s a strategic month for us, here at FamilyLife, because more than a third of the revenue we need to operate the ministry comes in during December\u2014or else, it doesn\u2019t come in during December; and if it doesn\u2019t come in\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s happened before. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re used to hearing us, here on this station, and there are challenges in running a ministry today for families that stands on the Bible as its blueprints for building a marriage and family. So, if you believe in the blueprints of the Bible and you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ changes lives and we need more broadcasts like we\u2019re producing, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, today\u2019s a good day to pick up a phone or to go online and make a generous donation\u2014say, \u201cI stand with you guys and what you\u2019re doing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s one of the reasons why it\u2019s a good day today\u2014we\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry who have agreed that, during the month of December, when you make a donation of any amount, they\u2019re going to make a double donation in response to the donation you made. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you gave us $100, then they\u2019ll give us $200 and FamilyLife gets $300 because of your donation. They\u2019re going to do that to a total of $2 million. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we\u2019d like to ask you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014make a donation today. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014make your donation over the phone. Or you can mail a donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. Help us take advantage of this matching-gift opportunity and support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what I want you to know\u2014your generosity changes lives. You\u2019re having an impact when you join with <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> on this broadcast to being help and hope to marriages and families, here in America, and in more than 109 countries around the world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, you want to introduce our guests who are going to be joining us today?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I do. First of all, is Ron Deal. He is the Director of Blended Family Ministries, here at FamilyLife\u2014is a prolific author, has written a book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, Ron, explain to our listeners what <em>Life in a Blender<\/em> is all about. It\u2019s subtitled <em>Living in a Stepfamily,<\/em> a<em> Guide for Kids<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, first of all, it\u2019s great to be back on the broadcast with both of you. <em>Life in a Blender: Living in a Stepfamily<\/em> is a booklet designed for children\u2014easy-to-read booklet for kids, ages 10 and up. It comes with a free parent discussion guide. The idea is get your kid thinking about a few things that they\u2019re probably feeling\u2014put some words on it\u2014then, give parents an opportunity to interact with their child around that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014and create dialogue that lets both of them understand each other better and move forward, as a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got more than 25 years experience in this area. Marriages and families that are blended really do have some challenges around the holiday season. We decided to get up close and personal and bring into the studio Bob and Vicki Maday, all the way from Jonesboro, Georgia, down near Atlanta. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob and Vicki, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Thank you. We\u2019re happy to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob M:<\/strong> Our pleasure, thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We also brought Bob\u2019s daughter, Katie, and Vicki\u2019s daughter, Jonell, into the studio. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where all of the airbrushing goes away because we want\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We want the truth. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right\u2014the truth\u2014the whole truth\u2014and nothing but the truth about some of the challenges that go along with blendeds, especially during the holidays. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, you\u2019ve talked to a lot of blended couples\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014over the years.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Holiday seasons are stressful; aren\u2019t they?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They are. I mean, they are stressful for all families, in some form or fashion. But anybody, who is listening right now, who has ever had any sort of significant loss\u2014you <em>know<\/em> that the holidays come with mixed emotions. It just does that. You can\u2019t experience a happy moment without also feeling the sadness of somebody who\u2019s not there with you. When you sit down and you engage in traditions that you may have done for years, as a family, it also brings up the fact that somebody is not there or life is not as you would want it to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of the common experiences for adults and children in blended families. You may be able to fake it the rest of the year; but when the holidays roll around and you\u2019re sitting down and engaging in a tradition you\u2019ve done for years, as a family, but your dad\u2019s not there\u2014it\u2019s hard to fake it. If you\u2019re engaging in a tradition that other people have brought to the table\u2014your stepsiblings \/ your stepparent has brought to the table\u2014and you don\u2019t get that tradition \/ it doesn\u2019t make any sense to you\u2014then, you really can\u2019t fake it. So, oftentimes, for blended families, the holidays kind of resurges stress.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob and Vicki, I need to mention, at this point, because I failed to earlier\u2014both of your spouses died, and then you remarried. So, take us to your first Christmas. Was it just as you expected? Or were you guys really prepared for that first Christmas together? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki: <\/strong>Oh, we were totally unprepared for the challenges that we were going to be facing that first Christmas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first thing we did was\u2014we had our children address us and say: \u201cWe do not want to be one big, combined family. We want to keep our Christmases separate,\u201d\u2014which we also felt was important. So, we planned a Christmas with my children; and then, planned a separate time with Bob\u2019s children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, the two of you were the common element in both of those, but you didn\u2019t make the siblings kind of learn how to mash it up together; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Jonell\u2014let me ask you. As one of the kids in this situation\u2014that first Christmas, when here\u2019s your mom and here\u2019s her new husband, and the years of growing up and doing Christmas with your mom and your dad, and your dad\u2019s not here anymore, and here\u2019s this new guy, and you\u2019re still not sure what you think about him, and it\u2019s Christmas\u2014how did that feel?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jonell:<\/strong> Well, it was a little different for me than the other siblings because I lived out of state. So, naturally, I was thinking I would be coming home for Christmas; but instead, I was coming to a new house \/ a new environment. I mean, it wasn\u2019t even our same Christmas tree that I was used to. So, there was a lot that was different for me when I came home for Christmas that first year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, Jonell, you thought you might be going home for Christmas; but really quickly discovered that it didn\u2019t feel like home at all\u2014is that what you are saying?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jonell: <\/strong>That\u2019s correct.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. So, where does that take you? I mean, how do you begin to try to get your mind and your heart around that because, obviously, you care deeply about your mother, and for her wellbeing and for her sake \/ for your siblings\u2014you kind of want to be there and experience Christmas together\u2014but yet, the climate doesn\u2019t feel like home.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jonell:<\/strong> Well, you know\u2014Bob and I had only met a few times before that Christmas. So, I wanted\u2014I didn\u2019t want him to think that my reservations were what I was feeling toward him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo that Christmas, I know I spent a lot of time trying to engage with him, make him feel like I loved him, and just sort of fought my battle behind-closed-doors kind of thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I so appreciate Jonell sharing that, Dennis, because, essentially, what she\u2019s pointing out is that there is a mixed bag of emotions. On the one hand, she\u2019s wanting to engage the family \/ she\u2019s wanting to engage her new stepdad, Bob. Mom\u2019s married this guy\u2014she\u2019s wanting to get to know him and experience a relationship with him. Then, at the same time, there\u2019s this inner turmoil going on; and she is pulling away and feeling like she\u2019s got to deal with it on her own.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat just kind of brings to the surface how complicated the holidays can be for families. Essentially, the commentary here is that they are trying to become family. That\u2019s really what\u2019s happening those early years of the blended family experience. They\u2019re trying to figure out how to be family with one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s newness on every corner. So, getting to that place where it does feel comfortable is really a journey that takes many years\u2014I would think.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to ask you, Bob\u2014did you have some high expectations about that first Christmas with Vicki\u2019s family?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob M:<\/strong> You know\u2014I really did. It\u2019s pretty interesting\u2014we\u2019d taken some lead, as we were getting counseled in our remarriage, that we would try to start some new traditions. We made every effort to make new things sort of happen in our new family. The interesting thing that happened is\u2014when it came to Christmas\u2014that tradition sort of superseded anything else that we had expected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not like Valentine\u2019s Day, where you can just change the location, and change the type of cookie, or candy, or cake that you use. We were put under pressure, by my children, to hold the tradition in place; and it was quite interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Katie:<\/strong> Yes. Well, when they came to us and said that they wanted to maybe change things up a little bit\u2014do things a little bit differently\u2014I just said, \u201cNo!\u201d\u00a0 For 30 years of my life, I\u2019ve had Christmas Eve at my dad\u2019s house. I will be there, Christmas Eve, with my family every year until\u2014until [Laughter] \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just felt like\u2014for my children\u2014I wanted them to see the traditions that I grew up with and how lucky for them to have Gigi, here, to make this wonderful Christmas Eve happen. It\u2019s <em>magical<\/em>, and they\u2019ve added some new things. We have started some new traditions, but our old tradition of Christmas Eve is still intact.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, Ron, as Katie is talking about this, I\u2019m thinking back to when Mary Ann and I first got married. We tried to figure out how we blended her traditions of growing up the way her family did it with my tradition\u2014how our family did it. It took a little adjusting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There is a degree of difficulty that\u2019s added here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. That\u2019s right. There were two of you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There were two of you when you and Mary Ann were trying to do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And we were a little more flexible. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, and highly-motivated\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014towards finding what will make one another happy. That\u2019s part of what\u2019s happening with some stepfamilies\u2014is the adults are more motivated than sometimes the kids are. So, the adults kind of assume that the kids will join them in the motivation. Bob and Vicki had wonderful intentions, \u201cLet\u2019s do some new things. Let\u2019s...\u201d\u2014and in their minds, that\u2019s part of becoming family. \u201cLet\u2019s find \u2018the us.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Let me interrupt just a minute, Ron, because\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Please do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> \u2014our issue, which, I think, we didn\u2019t face was\u2014we had a fracture within the <em>children<\/em>. We had some who no longer wanted to have Christmas on Christmas Eve. So, the fracture there was among Bob\u2019s children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> And we were just <em>agreeable<\/em> to make any changes to Christmas we needed to make. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI stepped back and said, \u201cBob, you need to make those decisions with your kids if you\u2019re going to change Christmas completely\u2014what it used to look like, getting together on Christmas Eve.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s when Katie came to me and said: \u201cWe\u2019re going to keep this tradition. We\u2019ve <em>always<\/em> been with Dad on Christmas Eve, and we want to continue to be with Dad on Christmas Eve. And that, now, is going to include you; and I want my children with big Daddy and Gigi on Christmas Eve.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the fracture there wasn\u2019t between the parents and the kids, as much as it was a fracture between the kids. Some wanted to maintain the family tradition that the Madays had always had, and another family member wanted to do away with <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, let\u2019s talk about a couple of principles because there is no one answer: \u201cWhat do you do?\u201d\u2014alright? One of the principles is: Flexibility. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFirst of all, you know, as is evident in Bob and Vicki\u2019s heart, their intention was to find the win-win\u2014something that works for the kids. They\u2019re willing to be adaptable and, \u201cLet\u2019s just do whatever it is that they need to do so that this holiday can be a season of joy for them.\u201d Yet, even then, with that attitude, it got complex because they had differences of opinion about what that would look like, even among the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, flexibility says, \u201cBoy, we may not be able to figure this one out so that everybody wins. We do have to talk to all the parties involved.\u201d In this case, all the kids are adults. So, it\u2019s easier to have that conversation than with families that have younger kids\u2014and a five-year-old and a seven-year-old sometimes don\u2019t even know how to verbalize what they want\u2014but \u201cWe\u2019re going to try to talk to as many people as we can and get out in front of this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of my other principles\u2014is: Be proactive about the holidays. You can\u2019t wait until the last minute, and then throw it together, and expect good things, necessarily. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s another principle I would give those who are listening today\u2014that is: Compartmentalize. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is not a fix-all. Again, when people say, \u201cWhat do we do in this case?\u2014when there are differences of opinions between siblings, between stepparents, stepkids, or different sides of the family.\u201d What they are really asking is, \u201cHow do we make this perfect for everyone?\u201d Okay, I want to just be frank, and honest, and candid, and say, \u201cYou can\u2019t.\u201d You can\u2019t do that every time. That\u2019s a function of your family growing together <em>over time<\/em> and finding the fit. Many times it takes years; okay? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the meantime, while you\u2019re trying to find what that answer looks like, compartmentalize. That\u2019s the idea that it\u2019s okay for some family members to get together the week before Christmas and open gifts because the kids are going to be with you that weekend and not the weekend of Christmas; or you get together after Christmas and do something special; or a parent spends time with their biological children and the stepparent says: \u201cYou know what? You guys have got the afternoon. I\u2019m staying out of that so you can honor your tradition that you\u2019ve had for 30 years together, as a family.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of those kinds of examples are compartmentalizing the different relationships within the home. That feels <em>weird<\/em> to adults because they feel like that\u2019s a failure sometimes. They feel like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWow, because we\u2019re not all together \/ we\u2019re not all blended\u2014that, somehow, we\u2019ve failed.\u201d I say, \u201cNo, no, no, no; that\u2019s not true.\u201d\u00a0 What we\u2019re doing is\u2014we\u2019re just <em>acknowledging<\/em> that <em>today<\/em> you\u2019re not blended; and we\u2019re not going to <em>force<\/em> everybody into a love relationship on <em>our<\/em> time. We\u2019re going to allow them to find a love relationship on their own time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bob, I\u2019m curious, as you look back on that first blended Christmas together, did you get through the season and think, \u201cWhat used to be a season of joy is now a season of kind of depressing,\u201d\u2014[Laughter] \u2014you know, I\u2019m just imagining that you get to the end of Christmas and just go: \u201cThat was miserable! I don\u2019t want to do that again.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob M:<\/strong> Yes, we did get through it; but there was a high-level of stress. Even right now, as we\u2019re approaching this Christmas, we can begin to feel the stress begin to grow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis had mentioned earlier about kind of an ambush at Christmas. Let me just tell you an interesting thing that happened to us on our first Christmas. I had retained some gifts that I was going to give to Vicki\u2014special gifts. I had retained those to open when we had Christmas with Jonell and Stacy. She had retained a couple precious gifts that she was giving to me because we were in love with each other \/ are in love with each other. She was retaining those gifts to be opened in front of my children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when we had Christmas with my children, out came these gifts\u2014Vicki gave them to me. They were precious, and they were really meaningful for me. It was a wonderful gift\u2014got <em>no<\/em> reaction from my children\u2014<em>zero<\/em>. The air just got let out of the room. Likewise, the next morning, when we were sharing Christmas with Vicki\u2019s children, same thing\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI brought a couple of wonderful gifts out, presented them to Vicki, had lots of enthusiasm about it, and looked up\u2014the air had been let out of the room again. Jonell was blank \/ Stacy was blank. We got sort of ambushed, right there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tActually, as a result of that, we now share our Christmas privately\u2014even do a getaway, sometimes a week or so before\u2014kind of keep our coupleness out of our familyness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> One of the things that I <em>love<\/em> about this family and what they are sharing with us today is that they are being real. They are sharing that it\u2019s a process to become family to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the beginning, Bob and Vicki\u2019s expectations about how the kids would react to their special time was not satisfied. They found a different way to get through that, at this point in their life. That\u2019s what I love about them\u2014is they are still finding their way\u2014not only them, but the kids and the grandkids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what healthy stepfamilies do. They don\u2019t quit on the process. They stay after it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And they need coaching because\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Amen!\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s very\u2014it\u2019s a very complex family structure. It takes coaching to plan, plan, plan and to kind of take the urgency out of it\u2014say: \u201cWe will be a family!\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have a family this year, this first Christmas. It has to happen now!\u201d What I hear them saying and you saying, Ron, is it takes time, time, time. It takes a long time for these two families to, perhaps, come together\u2014and maybe, they\u2019ll never come together, as we imagined it in our minds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> But it does help to go through this\u2014to have a mentor\u2014to have maybe another couple that, like the Madays, are a few years down the road here, who can say, \u201cBoy, we\u2019ve made some mistakes,\u201d or, \u201cHere are some things we learned along the way.\u201d\u00a0 It helps to have some coaching, like Ron Deal has been providing for us today.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon\u2019s written a book called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> that really is a classic book when it comes to how you make a blended-family relationship work as well as it can possibly work. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about that book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon has a brand-new booklet that he\u2019s put together for children called <em>Life in a Blender<\/em>. It\u2019s written for kids, elementary through high school, to help them understand a lot of what they\u2019re feeling\u2014put words to it\u2014and help them understand the adjustments that they can make to make life work better for everybody in a blended family. So, look for information about <em>Life in a Blender<\/em>\u2014the booklet from Ron Deal\u2014and his revised edition of the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, when you go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com. Or call, toll-free, 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd a quick reminder before we\u2019re done\u2014Dennis mentioned, at the beginning of today\u2019s program, we are hoping to hear from as many of our listeners as possible, here during the last month of the year, hoping that you will consider making a yearend contribution to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> We\u2019d like for you to do that so we can take full advantage of a matching gift that has been offered to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn case you\u2019ve not heard, some friends of the ministry have agreed to match any donation we receive during the month\u2014actually they\u2019re not just matching it, but they\u2019re putting in twice as much as whatever you give. So, if you make a donation of $50, they\u2019ll put in $100 dollars; and we get to take advantage of a $150 donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo would you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a yearend contribution in support of this ministry?\u2014help us take full advantage of this $2 million matching-gift opportunity. Or call, toll-free, at 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u2014make a donation over the phone. Or you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about some of the unique emotions that children who are in a blended family may feel during the holiday season\u2014some of the disloyalty they may feel to their biological mother or father if they\u2019re <em>enjoying<\/em> Christmas with their new blended family. We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. Hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2015 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.4M"],"filesize_raw":["25581377"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303780.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303780.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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and Vicki Maday each had adult children when they got married. Bob and Vicki's adult daughters share the complicated emotions they had to wade through when their parents married and created a new blended family.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-12-14.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bob and Vicki Maday married late in life. Both had lost a spouse. Bob says neither of them were prepared for the impact the holidays would have on their attempt to blend a new family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob M:<\/strong> We had taken some lead, as we were getting counseled in our remarriage, that we would try to start some new traditions. We made every effort to make new things sort of happen in our new family. The interesting thing that happened was\u2014when it came to Christmas\u2014that tradition sort of superseded anything else that we had expected. We were put under pressure to hold the tradition in place, and it was quite interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, December 14<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. If you are in a blended family and you\u2019re headed into the holidays for the first time, get ready.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. I\u2019m just curious. You\u2019ve had a number of pictures taken of your family over the years; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> To your knowledge, was there ever any airbrushing done?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, absolutely! [Laughter] Photoshop, airbrushing\u2014you can\u2019t get a family perfect\u2014I mean, in real life or in photography. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, those Christmas pictures I\u2019ve been getting through the years bear only a marginal resemblance to the real thing\u2014\u2014 is what you\u2019re saying. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> When I introduce my family and I show a picture, I say, \u201cYou know how we got that picture? We photo-shopped in two children\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cwho weren\u2019t even in the picture at the time. We opened the eyes of two or three kids who never can seem to keep their eyes open during a picture.\u201d And I say: \u201cYou know what? There is a reason for that because all families have their blemishes.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, you had to take a couple hundred shots to get one where everybody was looking at the camera; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, this was back in the days when you used to take, like, ten rolls. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I remember rolls. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Hundreds\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, I remember rolls. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014hundreds of pictures to get a good one. I won\u2019t tell you which one of our kids, but we had one\u2014this child was called \u201cThe Many Faces of <em>Blank<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter]I mean, if there was a way to make a strange-looking face\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014this child could do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014this child did it. I\u2019ve done a good job of protecting the identity, at this point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> The reason I ask you if you\u2019ve ever had anything airbrushed is because this is going to be one of those non-airbrushed days\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014as we talk about the holidays, and families, and challenges, and tensions, and, particularly, how those can emerge during the holiday season if you\u2019re in a remarriage or a blended-family situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly right, Bob. In fact, you don\u2019t have to be in a blended family to have a lot of reality in your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can send out one of these Christmas cards that is airbrushed like you talked about, or photo-shopped, and you can make it look perfect. But every family listening to me right now knows we\u2019re all very, very <em>real<\/em> families\u2014we\u2019ve got issues, we\u2019ve got struggles, we\u2019ve got battles. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is here for is to be your trusted advisor around how to handle these issues from a biblical standpoint\u2014how to be a husband, who loves and leads, and cares for his family, and provides spiritual direction for his family, not only here at Christmas time and around the holidays, but the other 360-plus days of the year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, we couldn\u2019t do what we do if it weren\u2019t for our listeners who help make all of this possible.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to say something\u2014your generosity makes a difference \/ it changes lives. So we\u2019re inviting you\u2014we really are\u2014we\u2019re inviting you in joining with us in touching lives, and changing families, and leaving legacies for the generation that follows.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> The month of December is an important month \/ it\u2019s a strategic month for us, here at FamilyLife, because more than a third of the revenue we need to operate the ministry comes in during December\u2014or else, it doesn\u2019t come in during December; and if it doesn\u2019t come in\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s happened before. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019re used to hearing us, here on this station, and there are challenges in running a ministry today for families that stands on the Bible as its blueprints for building a marriage and family. So, if you believe in the blueprints of the Bible and you believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ changes lives and we need more broadcasts like we\u2019re producing, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, today\u2019s a good day to pick up a phone or to go online and make a generous donation\u2014say, \u201cI stand with you guys and what you\u2019re doing.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Here\u2019s one of the reasons why it\u2019s a good day today\u2014we\u2019ve had some friends of the ministry who have agreed that, during the month of December, when you make a donation of any amount, they\u2019re going to make a double donation in response to the donation you made. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, if you gave us $100, then they\u2019ll give us $200 and FamilyLife gets $300 because of your donation. They\u2019re going to do that to a total of $2 million. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we\u2019d like to ask you to go to FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014make a donation today. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014make your donation over the phone. Or you can mail a donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; our zip code is 72223. Help us take advantage of this matching-gift opportunity and support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Here\u2019s what I want you to know\u2014your generosity changes lives. You\u2019re having an impact when you join with <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> on this broadcast to being help and hope to marriages and families, here in America, and in more than 109 countries around the world.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, you want to introduce our guests who are going to be joining us today?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I do. First of all, is Ron Deal. He is the Director of Blended Family Ministries, here at FamilyLife\u2014is a prolific author, has written a book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, Ron, explain to our listeners what <em>Life in a Blender<\/em> is all about. It\u2019s subtitled <em>Living in a Stepfamily,<\/em> a<em> Guide for Kids<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Well, first of all, it\u2019s great to be back on the broadcast with both of you. <em>Life in a Blender: Living in a Stepfamily<\/em> is a booklet designed for children\u2014easy-to-read booklet for kids, ages 10 and up. It comes with a free parent discussion guide. The idea is get your kid thinking about a few things that they\u2019re probably feeling\u2014put some words on it\u2014then, give parents an opportunity to interact with their child around that\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>\u2014and create dialogue that lets both of them understand each other better and move forward, as a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got more than 25 years experience in this area. Marriages and families that are blended really do have some challenges around the holiday season. We decided to get up close and personal and bring into the studio Bob and Vicki Maday, all the way from Jonesboro, Georgia, down near Atlanta. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBob and Vicki, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Thank you. We\u2019re happy to be here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob M:<\/strong> Our pleasure, thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We also brought Bob\u2019s daughter, Katie, and Vicki\u2019s daughter, Jonell, into the studio. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is where all of the airbrushing goes away because we want\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> We want the truth. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right\u2014the truth\u2014the whole truth\u2014and nothing but the truth about some of the challenges that go along with blendeds, especially during the holidays. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, you\u2019ve talked to a lot of blended couples\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014over the years.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Holiday seasons are stressful; aren\u2019t they?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> They are. I mean, they are stressful for all families, in some form or fashion. But anybody, who is listening right now, who has ever had any sort of significant loss\u2014you <em>know<\/em> that the holidays come with mixed emotions. It just does that. You can\u2019t experience a happy moment without also feeling the sadness of somebody who\u2019s not there with you. When you sit down and you engage in traditions that you may have done for years, as a family, it also brings up the fact that somebody is not there or life is not as you would want it to be. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of the common experiences for adults and children in blended families. You may be able to fake it the rest of the year; but when the holidays roll around and you\u2019re sitting down and engaging in a tradition you\u2019ve done for years, as a family, but your dad\u2019s not there\u2014it\u2019s hard to fake it. If you\u2019re engaging in a tradition that other people have brought to the table\u2014your stepsiblings \/ your stepparent has brought to the table\u2014and you don\u2019t get that tradition \/ it doesn\u2019t make any sense to you\u2014then, you really can\u2019t fake it. So, oftentimes, for blended families, the holidays kind of resurges stress.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Bob and Vicki, I need to mention, at this point, because I failed to earlier\u2014both of your spouses died, and then you remarried. So, take us to your first Christmas. Was it just as you expected? Or were you guys really prepared for that first Christmas together? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki: <\/strong>Oh, we were totally unprepared for the challenges that we were going to be facing that first Christmas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe first thing we did was\u2014we had our children address us and say: \u201cWe do not want to be one big, combined family. We want to keep our Christmases separate,\u201d\u2014which we also felt was important. So, we planned a Christmas with my children; and then, planned a separate time with Bob\u2019s children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now, the two of you were the common element in both of those, but you didn\u2019t make the siblings kind of learn how to mash it up together; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Jonell\u2014let me ask you. As one of the kids in this situation\u2014that first Christmas, when here\u2019s your mom and here\u2019s her new husband, and the years of growing up and doing Christmas with your mom and your dad, and your dad\u2019s not here anymore, and here\u2019s this new guy, and you\u2019re still not sure what you think about him, and it\u2019s Christmas\u2014how did that feel?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jonell:<\/strong> Well, it was a little different for me than the other siblings because I lived out of state. So, naturally, I was thinking I would be coming home for Christmas; but instead, I was coming to a new house \/ a new environment. I mean, it wasn\u2019t even our same Christmas tree that I was used to. So, there was a lot that was different for me when I came home for Christmas that first year. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, Jonell, you thought you might be going home for Christmas; but really quickly discovered that it didn\u2019t feel like home at all\u2014is that what you are saying?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jonell: <\/strong>That\u2019s correct.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. So, where does that take you? I mean, how do you begin to try to get your mind and your heart around that because, obviously, you care deeply about your mother, and for her wellbeing and for her sake \/ for your siblings\u2014you kind of want to be there and experience Christmas together\u2014but yet, the climate doesn\u2019t feel like home.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jonell:<\/strong> Well, you know\u2014Bob and I had only met a few times before that Christmas. So, I wanted\u2014I didn\u2019t want him to think that my reservations were what I was feeling toward him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo that Christmas, I know I spent a lot of time trying to engage with him, make him feel like I loved him, and just sort of fought my battle behind-closed-doors kind of thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I so appreciate Jonell sharing that, Dennis, because, essentially, what she\u2019s pointing out is that there is a mixed bag of emotions. On the one hand, she\u2019s wanting to engage the family \/ she\u2019s wanting to engage her new stepdad, Bob. Mom\u2019s married this guy\u2014she\u2019s wanting to get to know him and experience a relationship with him. Then, at the same time, there\u2019s this inner turmoil going on; and she is pulling away and feeling like she\u2019s got to deal with it on her own.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat just kind of brings to the surface how complicated the holidays can be for families. Essentially, the commentary here is that they are trying to become family. That\u2019s really what\u2019s happening those early years of the blended family experience. They\u2019re trying to figure out how to be family with one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere\u2019s newness on every corner. So, getting to that place where it does feel comfortable is really a journey that takes many years\u2014I would think.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I want to ask you, Bob\u2014did you have some high expectations about that first Christmas with Vicki\u2019s family?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob M:<\/strong> You know\u2014I really did. It\u2019s pretty interesting\u2014we\u2019d taken some lead, as we were getting counseled in our remarriage, that we would try to start some new traditions. We made every effort to make new things sort of happen in our new family. The interesting thing that happened is\u2014when it came to Christmas\u2014that tradition sort of superseded anything else that we had expected. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s not like Valentine\u2019s Day, where you can just change the location, and change the type of cookie, or candy, or cake that you use. We were put under pressure, by my children, to hold the tradition in place; and it was quite interesting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Katie:<\/strong> Yes. Well, when they came to us and said that they wanted to maybe change things up a little bit\u2014do things a little bit differently\u2014I just said, \u201cNo!\u201d\u00a0 For 30 years of my life, I\u2019ve had Christmas Eve at my dad\u2019s house. I will be there, Christmas Eve, with my family every year until\u2014until [Laughter] \u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just felt like\u2014for my children\u2014I wanted them to see the traditions that I grew up with and how lucky for them to have Gigi, here, to make this wonderful Christmas Eve happen. It\u2019s <em>magical<\/em>, and they\u2019ve added some new things. We have started some new traditions, but our old tradition of Christmas Eve is still intact.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You know, Ron, as Katie is talking about this, I\u2019m thinking back to when Mary Ann and I first got married. We tried to figure out how we blended her traditions of growing up the way her family did it with my tradition\u2014how our family did it. It took a little adjusting. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> There is a degree of difficulty that\u2019s added here\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. That\u2019s right. There were two of you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> There were two of you when you and Mary Ann were trying to do it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And we were a little more flexible. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, and highly-motivated\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014towards finding what will make one another happy. That\u2019s part of what\u2019s happening with some stepfamilies\u2014is the adults are more motivated than sometimes the kids are. So, the adults kind of assume that the kids will join them in the motivation. Bob and Vicki had wonderful intentions, \u201cLet\u2019s do some new things. Let\u2019s...\u201d\u2014and in their minds, that\u2019s part of becoming family. \u201cLet\u2019s find \u2018the us.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Let me interrupt just a minute, Ron, because\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Please do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> \u2014our issue, which, I think, we didn\u2019t face was\u2014we had a fracture within the <em>children<\/em>. We had some who no longer wanted to have Christmas on Christmas Eve. So, the fracture there was among Bob\u2019s children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> And we were just <em>agreeable<\/em> to make any changes to Christmas we needed to make. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI stepped back and said, \u201cBob, you need to make those decisions with your kids if you\u2019re going to change Christmas completely\u2014what it used to look like, getting together on Christmas Eve.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s when Katie came to me and said: \u201cWe\u2019re going to keep this tradition. We\u2019ve <em>always<\/em> been with Dad on Christmas Eve, and we want to continue to be with Dad on Christmas Eve. And that, now, is going to include you; and I want my children with big Daddy and Gigi on Christmas Eve.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the fracture there wasn\u2019t between the parents and the kids, as much as it was a fracture between the kids. Some wanted to maintain the family tradition that the Madays had always had, and another family member wanted to do away with <em>everything<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So, let\u2019s talk about a couple of principles because there is no one answer: \u201cWhat do you do?\u201d\u2014alright? One of the principles is: Flexibility. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFirst of all, you know, as is evident in Bob and Vicki\u2019s heart, their intention was to find the win-win\u2014something that works for the kids. They\u2019re willing to be adaptable and, \u201cLet\u2019s just do whatever it is that they need to do so that this holiday can be a season of joy for them.\u201d Yet, even then, with that attitude, it got complex because they had differences of opinion about what that would look like, even among the children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, flexibility says, \u201cBoy, we may not be able to figure this one out so that everybody wins. We do have to talk to all the parties involved.\u201d In this case, all the kids are adults. So, it\u2019s easier to have that conversation than with families that have younger kids\u2014and a five-year-old and a seven-year-old sometimes don\u2019t even know how to verbalize what they want\u2014but \u201cWe\u2019re going to try to talk to as many people as we can and get out in front of this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of my other principles\u2014is: Be proactive about the holidays. You can\u2019t wait until the last minute, and then throw it together, and expect good things, necessarily. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s another principle I would give those who are listening today\u2014that is: Compartmentalize. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is not a fix-all. Again, when people say, \u201cWhat do we do in this case?\u2014when there are differences of opinions between siblings, between stepparents, stepkids, or different sides of the family.\u201d What they are really asking is, \u201cHow do we make this perfect for everyone?\u201d Okay, I want to just be frank, and honest, and candid, and say, \u201cYou can\u2019t.\u201d You can\u2019t do that every time. That\u2019s a function of your family growing together <em>over time<\/em> and finding the fit. Many times it takes years; okay? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the meantime, while you\u2019re trying to find what that answer looks like, compartmentalize. That\u2019s the idea that it\u2019s okay for some family members to get together the week before Christmas and open gifts because the kids are going to be with you that weekend and not the weekend of Christmas; or you get together after Christmas and do something special; or a parent spends time with their biological children and the stepparent says: \u201cYou know what? You guys have got the afternoon. I\u2019m staying out of that so you can honor your tradition that you\u2019ve had for 30 years together, as a family.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of those kinds of examples are compartmentalizing the different relationships within the home. That feels <em>weird<\/em> to adults because they feel like that\u2019s a failure sometimes. They feel like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cWow, because we\u2019re not all together \/ we\u2019re not all blended\u2014that, somehow, we\u2019ve failed.\u201d I say, \u201cNo, no, no, no; that\u2019s not true.\u201d\u00a0 What we\u2019re doing is\u2014we\u2019re just <em>acknowledging<\/em> that <em>today<\/em> you\u2019re not blended; and we\u2019re not going to <em>force<\/em> everybody into a love relationship on <em>our<\/em> time. We\u2019re going to allow them to find a love relationship on their own time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Bob, I\u2019m curious, as you look back on that first blended Christmas together, did you get through the season and think, \u201cWhat used to be a season of joy is now a season of kind of depressing,\u201d\u2014[Laughter] \u2014you know, I\u2019m just imagining that you get to the end of Christmas and just go: \u201cThat was miserable! I don\u2019t want to do that again.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob M:<\/strong> Yes, we did get through it; but there was a high-level of stress. Even right now, as we\u2019re approaching this Christmas, we can begin to feel the stress begin to grow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDennis had mentioned earlier about kind of an ambush at Christmas. Let me just tell you an interesting thing that happened to us on our first Christmas. I had retained some gifts that I was going to give to Vicki\u2014special gifts. I had retained those to open when we had Christmas with Jonell and Stacy. She had retained a couple precious gifts that she was giving to me because we were in love with each other \/ are in love with each other. She was retaining those gifts to be opened in front of my children.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when we had Christmas with my children, out came these gifts\u2014Vicki gave them to me. They were precious, and they were really meaningful for me. It was a wonderful gift\u2014got <em>no<\/em> reaction from my children\u2014<em>zero<\/em>. The air just got let out of the room. Likewise, the next morning, when we were sharing Christmas with Vicki\u2019s children, same thing\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI brought a couple of wonderful gifts out, presented them to Vicki, had lots of enthusiasm about it, and looked up\u2014the air had been let out of the room again. Jonell was blank \/ Stacy was blank. We got sort of ambushed, right there.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tActually, as a result of that, we now share our Christmas privately\u2014even do a getaway, sometimes a week or so before\u2014kind of keep our coupleness out of our familyness. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> One of the things that I <em>love<\/em> about this family and what they are sharing with us today is that they are being real. They are sharing that it\u2019s a process to become family to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the beginning, Bob and Vicki\u2019s expectations about how the kids would react to their special time was not satisfied. They found a different way to get through that, at this point in their life. That\u2019s what I love about them\u2014is they are still finding their way\u2014not only them, but the kids and the grandkids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s what healthy stepfamilies do. They don\u2019t quit on the process. They stay after it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And they need coaching because\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Vicki:<\/strong> Amen!\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014it\u2019s very\u2014it\u2019s a very complex family structure. It takes coaching to plan, plan, plan and to kind of take the urgency out of it\u2014say: \u201cWe will be a family!\u00a0 We\u2019re going to have a family this year, this first Christmas. It has to happen now!\u201d What I hear them saying and you saying, Ron, is it takes time, time, time. It takes a long time for these two families to, perhaps, come together\u2014and maybe, they\u2019ll never come together, as we imagined it in our minds. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> But it does help to go through this\u2014to have a mentor\u2014to have maybe another couple that, like the Madays, are a few years down the road here, who can say, \u201cBoy, we\u2019ve made some mistakes,\u201d or, \u201cHere are some things we learned along the way.\u201d\u00a0 It helps to have some coaching, like Ron Deal has been providing for us today.\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon\u2019s written a book called <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> that really is a classic book when it comes to how you make a blended-family relationship work as well as it can possibly work. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information about that book.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon has a brand-new booklet that he\u2019s put together for children called <em>Life in a Blender<\/em>. It\u2019s written for kids, elementary through high school, to help them understand a lot of what they\u2019re feeling\u2014put words to it\u2014and help them understand the adjustments that they can make to make life work better for everybody in a blended family. So, look for information about <em>Life in a Blender<\/em>\u2014the booklet from Ron Deal\u2014and his revised edition of the book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, when you go to our website FamilyLifeToday.com. Or call, toll-free, 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd a quick reminder before we\u2019re done\u2014Dennis mentioned, at the beginning of today\u2019s program, we are hoping to hear from as many of our listeners as possible, here during the last month of the year, hoping that you will consider making a yearend contribution to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> We\u2019d like for you to do that so we can take full advantage of a matching gift that has been offered to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn case you\u2019ve not heard, some friends of the ministry have agreed to match any donation we receive during the month\u2014actually they\u2019re not just matching it, but they\u2019re putting in twice as much as whatever you give. So, if you make a donation of $50, they\u2019ll put in $100 dollars; and we get to take advantage of a $150 donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo would you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a yearend contribution in support of this ministry?\u2014help us take full advantage of this $2 million matching-gift opportunity. Or call, toll-free, at 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY,\u201d\u2014make a donation over the phone. Or you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about some of the unique emotions that children who are in a blended family may feel during the holiday season\u2014some of the disloyalty they may feel to their biological mother or father if they\u2019re <em>enjoying<\/em> Christmas with their new blended family. We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. Hope you can be here for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2015 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303780","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303780"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303780"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303780"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303780"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303780"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303780"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303780"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}