{"id":303670,"date":"2015-09-22T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-09-22T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/deliver-us-from-evil\/"},"modified":"2015-09-22T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2015-09-22T15:00:00","slug":"deliver-us-from-evil","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/deliver-us-from-evil\/","title":{"rendered":"Deliver Us From Evil"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Can domestic abuse be found in Christian homes too? Absolutely, states Pastor Justin Holcomb. A desire for power and control over someone else is at the root of domestic abuse,\u00a0Justin says.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-22.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.45M","filesize_raw":"25633158","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2860,2873],"tags":[2949,4393],"podcast_series":[7215],"cwp_profile":[8833],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303670","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hardship-and-suffering","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-abuse","tag-domestic-abuse","podcast_series-is-it-my-fault","cwp_profile-justin-holcomb","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303670\/deliver-us-from-evil","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303670\/deliver-us-from-evil","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"At2Ia9v9SX\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/deliver-us-from-evil\/\">Deliver Us From Evil<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/deliver-us-from-evil\/embed\/#?secret=At2Ia9v9SX\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Deliver Us From Evil&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"At2Ia9v9SX\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-22.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-22.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you ever wondered why a spouse in an abusive relationship doesn\u2019t look for help? Author, Justin Holcomb, says there are a number of reasons why.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Who would want to engage the possibility that the person they selected is harming them?\u2014because it feels like: \u201cI made a dumb decision. I\u2019m an idiot!\u201d There\u2019s so much shame involved and fear. Most women have to choose between \u201cDo I live out of this violent home, and then I\u2019ll be homeless?\u201dor \u201cDo I stay in this violent environment?\u201d Most women are picking between homelessness and staying in an abusive situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, September 22<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll explore today some of the reasons why spouses continue to stay put in relationships, where there is domestic abuse taking place. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. This is Day 22 of the FamilyLife 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. It\u2019s interesting what we\u2019re talking about today because the prayer subject for today\u2019s prayer challenge is: \u201cHow do you adjust in a marriage when things don\u2019t turn out the way you expected they would?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s true for all of us. We bring expectations into a marriage, and then we find out that those expectations aren\u2019t going to be realized the way we thought they might be. We\u2019re encouraging husbands to pray, thanking God for bringing the two of you together in marriage and for a heart that expresses mutual appreciation and support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re encouraging wives to pray that God would help you see one another from His perspective, knowing that your spouse is loved and yet still under construction by God. We hope you have been praying together regularly this month, as husband and wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know many of you have been receiving the daily prayer prompts that are coming via text message, or email, or through the My FamilyLife app. If you\u2019ve not been receiving those prayer prompts, and you\u2019d like to join us for the remaining days of the prayer challenge\u2014and then, if you missed out on the first part of the month, you can start over again and just continue the prayer challenge on an ongoing\u00a0 basis\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER,\u201d and sign up for the 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. Again, we\u2019ll send you those prayer prompts each day to help the two of you pray together each day for 30 days. We believe you\u2019ll find that is a powerful and important discipline in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the subject we\u2019re addressing today is a tough subject. It\u2019s the issue of domestic abuse. I don\u2019t know if there\u2019s ever been research done on this or not, but I would be interested in knowing whether the incidence of domestic abuse is more or less prevalent among church-going couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think, Bob, we had a guest on our show\u2014here earlier, a number of years ago\u2014who indicated that ultra-fundamentalist churches foster men who are in control, stay in control, and abuse their wives and children, both emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. I don\u2019t know of any statistics\u2014maybe our guest does. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJustin Holcomb joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Justin, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Thank you. Thank you very much for the opportunity to talk about this issue. In fundamentalist churches\u2014absolutely\u2014in the church at large\u2014that\u2019s such a wide scope\u2014it\u2019s about the same.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014as the culture?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But the more conservative the church is the more it increases? Is that what you\u2019re saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. Because you actually have a divine stamp of approval to do things like dominate\u2014they misconstrue 1 Corinthians\u2014like, \u201cThe wife\u2019s body\u2019s yours.\u201d They misinterpret that with a false vision of masculinity. They think that means dominating, as opposed to Ephesians, that says, \u201cLay down your life the way that Christ did for His church,\u201d\u2014\u201cLay down your life for your wife.\u201d That\u2019s a different way of understanding relationships. That\u2019s actually very counter-cultural also. One of the gifts that Christians have is\u2014to talk about a Christian view of marriage and what that looks like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, I\u2019ve joked about this at men\u2019s retreats\u2014I\u2019ve said: \u201cEveryone is talking about submission and everything, and \u2018Wives, submit to your husbands.\u2019 Do they realize that the Bible tells us to lay down our life?\u201d\u2014like: \u201cWhich one do you want more? Laying down your life or submitting?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re talking about the challenge to men\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014they are called to give up their lives for their wives, and that means protecting them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes it does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s really at the heart of your book, <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em>\u2014that you have co-authored with your wife Lindsey. I just need to ask you a basic question: \u201cWhat\u2019s at the core of domestic violence \/ domestic abuse? What\u2019s the issue here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>At the core is a desire for power and control over somebody else\u2014that\u2019s the main thing. Both sexual abuse and domestic violence is mostly about power and control\u2014having power over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want to look, more biblically and theologically, what you see in the Fall\u2014what\u2019s supposed to happen is\u2014humans were supposed to love God and love their neighbor\/ love the other and have this flourishing life of <em>shalom<\/em>\u2014the Hebrew word for \u201cpeace.\u201d When sin intrudes, the first effect of sin that you see in the family is murder and violence. You see false worship\u2014it was an issue of worship\u2014you know, Cain and Abel. You have the bad sacrifice brought; and then out of that is violence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGenesis 6 [paraphrase] says: \u201cI looked at the hearts of men. They are only evil all the time,\u201d\u2014they did violence to one another. What we\u2019re looking at\u2014domestic abuse and domestic violence\u2014at the core is the effect of sin \/ is to hate God and to exploit other people. That\u2019s the temptation of the human heart because of the Fall\u2014is to dominate, exploit, [and\/or] have power\/control over the other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why, when Jesus says: \u201cLet Me tell you the problem with humans. Love God and love your neighbor,\u201d\u2014you don\u2019t love God, and you need to\u2014and you don\u2019t love your neighbor \/ you hate your neighbor. \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself,\u201d\u2014when He gave that summary of the Law, He was diagnosing our two-fold problem with God and each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I had a woman\u2014that I talked to a number of years ago\u2014I said, \u201cWas your husband abusive?\u201d\u2014she had divorced him. She said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cDid you have any idea when you dated that he was an abuser?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOh,\u201d she said: \u201cHe put his best foot forward. He was a narcissist. He knew how to sweet-talk me, and we got married. Five years into our marriage, we\u2019re having an argument.\u201d She said, all of a sudden, the back of his hand completely cold-cocked her and caught her off guard. She said, \u201cAt that point, fear entered our relationship.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt then went on to further abuse, later on in the marriage, that ultimately ended up with her husband abandoning her. Sure looked like he had faked Christianity and had no relationship with Christ, but he controlled his wife through that fear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, Justin\u2014I\u2019ve heard, over and over again, from wives who said: \u201cWhen we dated, I had no sign\/no clue that anything like this happened\u201d; but\u2014on the honeymoon, or three weeks in, or whatever\u2014something happens. It, all of a sudden, emerges. That has to cause every engaged woman, listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, to go, \u201cWhat should I do?\u201d Is there a way to know, before you marry somebody, whether the potential for abuse is there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Some of these narcissists are so good that they hide it from everybody. I\u2019ve heard that version of that story numerous times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s what she said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>She said, \u201cHe was really good.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. And that does happen. Imagine, in a Christian context, when you just get married\u2014you\u2019re thinking: \u201cI just hitched my life to this man who did this? What did I just sign up for?\u201d The other extreme\u2014some women feel like they saw some hints of it; but they thought, \u201cWho knew it was going to grow into this?\u201d They feel shame \/ they feel stupid because they chose when they had, in their mind, some early indications. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you can actually do is\u2014do this partnering, dating, courting, whatever you do\u2014do that in a community because there are so many eyes. I\u2019ve seen\u2014when you have older married couples \/ older single people and peers, who are married and single\u2014when you have a community involved in this partnering process, you have other eyes that are a little bit more objective than you because, when you have the dazzling emotions going on, you need these other people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve seen other people speak up and say: \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t think this is a good direction. There\u2019s something wrong. I would wait or, maybe even, break up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, as you know, frequently, those don\u2019t go very well; but sometimes they do. They say, \u201cYou know\u2014I am going to wait,\u201d As soon as the woman says, \u201cI think we should wait,\u201d guess what happens to the controlling guy, who\u2019s faking it? He freaks out. He gets angry. He blames her, and then they manifest. Giving them an opportunity to actually manifest that is a good opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ve said to a lot of young women, who are considering marriage\u2014I\u2019ve said, \u201cPay particular attention to how your intended treats his mother and how he treats the waitress at the restaurant.\u201d There\u2019s just something about\u2014it\u2019ll come out in both of those. I don\u2019t know why it\u2019s the waitress and the mom\u2014maybe you can explain that\u2014but you can see it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>I say the same exact thing\u2014I feel so much better because I thought I just kind of made up some weird thing. The reason I do that is because the way they treat their mother is the most intimate, emotional connection of a woman who has some sway and influence. That\u2019s a role that the wife will play\u2014the proximity \/ the closeness. The waitress is one because that\u2019s more how he views women in general. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s how \/ that\u2019s why I\u2019ve said it\u2014I want to get both ends of the spectrum: \u201cHow does he treat his mom?\u201d \/ \u201cHow does he treat just a woman, whose name he doesn\u2019t know, who is serving food\/serving him? How does he relate? Does he non-flirtatiously say, \u2018Hey, what\u2019s your name?\u2019 \u2018Thank you very much,\u2019 or is he really demanding \/ is he never happy? There\u2019s a lot you can see in both of those relationships.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There are listeners, who are hearing us talk about this, and they\u2019re scratching their heads a little bit. They\u2019re saying: \u201cI listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> pretty regularly. You guys talk about men loving and leading their wives \/ about wives respecting, honoring, and submitting to their husbands. Isn\u2019t it that that leads to domestic violence?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAren\u2019t those kind of roles in marriage\u2014don\u2019t those just foster domestic violence?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>No. It\u2019s those things <em>distorted<\/em> that does that. When those things become the tools used by an abusive man, it distorts it; but when you read Scripture, it says [paraphrase of Ephesians 5:21-32], \u201cMutually submit to one another.\u201d Then it unpacks that and says, \u201cWhat does that look like?\u201d It looks like wives respecting their husbands and husbands laying down their life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you look at Scripture, you do not see any type of support for this [distorted abuse]. As a matter of fact, you actually have\u2014on the lips of God is, \u201cI hate violence,\u201d over, and over, and over again. He says, \u201cI am on the side of those who have been abused.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And in Malachi, He says to those who have dealt treacherously with their wives\u2014He says: \u201cThis is why I\u2019m having nothing to do with you. This is why you pray and get no answer because you have dealt treacherously with your wife.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>The biblical picture of marriage relationships should be a shining light to the world. It should be a neon sign, saying: \u201cLook how good this faith is. Look at how our husbands <em>love<\/em> their wives and children, and look how the wives respect and love their husbands.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we actually had the biblical picture and vision for marriage played out more regularly\u2014if <em>I<\/em> did\u2014I\u2019m not throwing rocks. I wish my neighbors saw me loving my wife and children the way that I\u2019m called to because I think I\u2019d probably get asked quicker, \u201cSo\u2014what do you believe?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>I really believe that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You say something in the book I think, right now, you just need to put it out there\u2014like it really is: \u201cWhy does someone, who may think she is in an abusive relationship, call it what it is and name it?\u2014name it that it is indeed abuse or domestic violence.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>It\u2019s important to name it because you need to acknowledge the pain that\u2019s happening and the sin that\u2019s occurring. To deny it and to act like it\u2019s not abuse and not sinful is actually\u2014it doesn\u2019t do them a service. It lives in denial. I get it! I mean, who would want to engage the possibility that the person they selected is harming them?\u2014because it feels like: \u201cI made a dumb decision.\u201d There\u2019s so much shame involved and fear. Most women have to choose between \u201cDo I live out of this violent home, and then I\u2019ll be homeless?\u201dor \u201cDo I stay in this violent environment?\u201d Most women are picking between homelessness and staying in an abusive situation. The pressure that they feel is very strong to deny what\u2019s happening to them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey think: \u201cYou know what? I have to stay for the kids,\u201d \u201cI have to stay because, if I leave, I\u2019m violating the plan of God,\u201d \u201cI need to stay because who\u2019s going to believe me? He\u2019s a deacon in the church. How am I supposed to get money for rent, and school, and medicine, and food? What am I supposed to do?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey feel trapped. So it\u2019s easier not to engage and look through\u2014and then they start realizing, \u201cWell, I feel terror, fear, anxiety whenever he\u2019s around.\u201d They look at how they actually feel toward him\u2014but that\u2019s not the only basis\u2014we don\u2019t want to be just subjective on, \u201cHow do you <em>feel<\/em> about this man?\u201d but start looking at his behaviors: \u201cOh, he\u2019s dominating, he\u2019s humiliating, he\u2019s controlling,\u201d and these other dimensions that he does and how they relate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There\u2019s something you do in the book I want you to do right now\u2014it\u2019s on pages 32 and 33. It describes, in different terms, the different types of abusers that are out there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And by the way, we have this on our website. If folks want to download the chapter that this is from, they can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and download it. Just follow along with what you\u2019re talking about here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Well, these are the signs you\u2019re in an abusive relationship. These are eight categories or personas abusers commonly exhibit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne, the bully\u2014he glares, shouts, and sulks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTwo, the jailer\u2014stops you from working or seeing friends, keeps you in the house, and he \u00ad\u00adcharms your friends and family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There really are guys who try to lock their spouse up, both emotionally and physically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>They take away their cell phones \/ they don\u2019t let them drive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They don\u2019t let them go out with other friends.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>No\u2014especially, not family because the family might rescue them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe head worker\u2014he puts you down. Tells you you\u2019re too fat, too thin, ugly, stupid, [and\/or] useless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFour, persuader\u2014he cries to get his way. He says he loves you to get his way. He threatens to kill himself or hurt the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFive, the liar\u2014he denies any abuse. He says it was <em>only<\/em> a slap\u2014blames drinking, or drugs, or not having a job.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber six is the bad father\u2014he says you\u2019re a bad mother, and he uses access to harass you \/ turns the children against you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSeven\u2014he\u2019s the king of his castle. He treats you like a servant and says women are for sex, cooking, and housework. He expects sex on demand. He controls all the money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd last\u2014eight\u2014the sexual controller. He abuses you\u2014he won\u2019t accept, \u201cNo,\u201d for an answer. He sulks unless you give in to what he wants, sexually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are eight different personas. He doesn\u2019t have to do all eight of those. Any one of those is a persona of how the abuse can manifest, but you\u2019ll likely see a number of these.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A guy, who\u2019s a chronic abuser, who fits this mold\u2014I mean, you\u2019ve said it\u2019s about power and it\u2019s about control\u2014but what buries this in a man\u2019s heart? How does a guy grow up to be this kind of guy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Some of them have had this modeled. That doesn\u2019t excuse it by any stretch because they choose to abuse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>So we\u2019re going to factors that accentuate this. They are responsible for their choice to abuse women and children. Some of them have seen this modeled\u2014this is, to them, what was the norm for how you relate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother one is the insecurity that we talked about\u2014men who are insecure that they can\u2019t\u2014because of the accomplishments of their wife or for various reasons. What we see is that, when there\u2019s an increase in unemployment, there\u2019s also an increase in domestic abuse because the man feels disempowered \/ he feels useless. He needs to control something in his life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother one is\u2014many men have an issue with intimacy. Being vulnerable is scary to them. It goes, hand in hand, with the insecurity thing\u2014where the person, who sees and knows them the best\u2014they have to be held in control and in check. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne\u2014that\u2019s not an issue, which many people go to is\u2014they go, \u201cOh, he just has an anger problem.\u201d What\u2019s surprising\u2014clearly there\u2019s an anger problem\u2014but it\u2019s not because of some rage they can\u2019t control. What we\u2019ve noticed is\u2014that most abusive men \/ well, physically, when they abuse\u2014they usually abuse in places that are covered by clothes or hair. They\u2019re very strategic and rational about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey also don\u2019t physically abuse in front of friends and family\u2014they do it when they\u2019re not around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, it\u2019s not like they snap into rage mode, where they can\u2019t control it, regardless of who\u2019s there. They\u2019re actually very thoughtful and rational about how they\u2019re going to abuse. They don\u2019t verbally abuse in front of the family and friends. It\u2019s never seen by anyone else because they\u2019re really, really good at hiding it. It\u2019s not really an anger\/rage issue whatsoever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s interesting\u2014and I want you to comment on this. My son is a counselor in Nashville, Tennessee. Samuel did his graduate work before he became a counselor. One of the specialties he had was group work with men, who were abusive in relationships. Now, I know what he told me about the profile of these guys, from a socio-economic standpoint. Share with our listeners the profile of that group. We all have the picture in our minds and think, \u201cWhat would a group of guys look like, who are beating their wives or being abusive to their wives?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Those people think that they\u2019re poor and uneducated. My Lindsey\u2014she was leading one of these groups also. I went to go pick her up when we were dating, and all of these men walked out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought: \u201cWell, they must have some other group here? Is there some amazing leaders of the community group also meeting in this building right now?\u201d because out walked lawyers, professors, ministers, every race, every religion, every age group, every socio-economic\u2014I was shocked! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI finally walked into the room because all of the men left. I said, \u201cWho were all those guys?\u201d She kind of looked at me and laughed. She said, \u201cThose are the abusive men I\u2019ve been telling you about.\u201d It hit me that I assumed they would all be uneducated and poor\u2014that was my assumption.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Your words are virtually the same as my son, Samuel\u2019s. I mean, he said: \u201cDad, you would never spot an abuser. He can be so cunning, so sharp, and so persuasive. You wouldn\u2019t ever think he would be abusive to his wife.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>And imagine the woman\u2019s experience\u2014who, behind closed doors, when no one is seeing, has this experience of terror and fear\u2014and then, when they walk out, they see how good that man is at deceiving everyone else about who he really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of the reasons they feel so trapped\u2014that there\u2019s no \/ who\u2019s going to believe them? Some of these men are amazing at this duplicity and this deception that they feel like there\u2019s no way out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why the message\u2014that God knows, sees, and hears, that He delivers us from evil\u2014Jesus wouldn\u2019t have taught us to pray \u201cDeliver us from evil,\u201d in the Lord\u2019s Prayer if He didn\u2019t mean it. That\u2019s the message that they need to hear\u2014is that He sees, and He knows, and He is more sovereign and creative than we could imagine. He can deliver us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, it might not be magically, miraculously, spot-on, after you pray it; but He has promised that is His name\u2019s sake. What He cares about is redeeming what evil has done and rescuing those who need deliverance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And to that woman, who\u2019s listening to us today, who is in a relationship, where she\u2019s wondering if it\u2019s abusive; more than likely, it is. Isolation is not your friend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have got to find some people who can create a safe place, and help you get protection, and also get a plan in place to be able to, not just survive, but know how to go forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and you ought to go to our website and download some of the chapters from Justin\u2019s book, which is called <em>Is It My Fault?,<\/em> because it gives you some very practical coaching on this subject \/ some diagnostic tools. One of the chapters is called \u201cMaking a Safety Plan.\u201d It helps you with exactly what we\u2019ve been talking about here today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d You\u2019ll see a copy of Justin\u2019s book there called <em>Is It My Fault? <\/em>Then there\u2019s an additional tab that says, \u201cResources from the book.\u201d When you click on that, you\u2019ll have access to the chapters that we\u2019ve mentioned. Again, thanks to Justin and his publisher for making this available to our listeners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the title of Justin\u2019s book is: <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em> You can order a copy, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, these are difficult issues to talk about; and yet, this is the reality for a lot of families. At <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, our goal\/our commitment is to provide practical biblical help for the issues that families are facing. Some of them are tougher issues than others, but we want to offer godly wisdom on what to do when you face these kinds of issues in a marriage or in a family situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal is that every home would become a godly home. That\u2019s why we\u2019re committed to providing practical biblical \/ transformational help and hope for your marriage and your family each day on this program, on our website, through the resources we offer, and the events we host.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s our goal, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019re grateful that some of you embrace that goal with us\u2014you are supporters of this ministry. You make this daily radio program possible with your donations, and we appreciate your partnership. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation today, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you the 2016 FamilyLife prayer calendar. This will give you things to be praying about, as a family, throughout the year. You can start using it right away because it includes the last three months of 2015. You can hang it right away and start praying right away. Make a donation, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cI Care,\u201d and you can receive the prayer calendar. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014make your donation over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can mail your donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to explore the question we haven\u2019t asked yet, and that is whether abuse in a marriage provides someone with appropriate biblical grounds for the dissolution of that marriage. If not, what do you do? We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. Hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2015 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.45M"],"filesize_raw":["25633158"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303670.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303670.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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domestic abuse be found in Christian homes too? Absolutely, states Pastor Justin Holcomb. A desire for power and control over someone else is at the root of domestic abuse,\u00a0Justin says.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-22.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Have you ever wondered why a spouse in an abusive relationship doesn\u2019t look for help? Author, Justin Holcomb, says there are a number of reasons why.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Who would want to engage the possibility that the person they selected is harming them?\u2014because it feels like: \u201cI made a dumb decision. I\u2019m an idiot!\u201d There\u2019s so much shame involved and fear. Most women have to choose between \u201cDo I live out of this violent home, and then I\u2019ll be homeless?\u201dor \u201cDo I stay in this violent environment?\u201d Most women are picking between homelessness and staying in an abusive situation.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, September 22<sup>nd<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll explore today some of the reasons why spouses continue to stay put in relationships, where there is domestic abuse taking place. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today. <\/em>Thanks for joining us on the Tuesday edition. This is Day 22 of the FamilyLife 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. It\u2019s interesting what we\u2019re talking about today because the prayer subject for today\u2019s prayer challenge is: \u201cHow do you adjust in a marriage when things don\u2019t turn out the way you expected they would?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s true for all of us. We bring expectations into a marriage, and then we find out that those expectations aren\u2019t going to be realized the way we thought they might be. We\u2019re encouraging husbands to pray, thanking God for bringing the two of you together in marriage and for a heart that expresses mutual appreciation and support. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re encouraging wives to pray that God would help you see one another from His perspective, knowing that your spouse is loved and yet still under construction by God. We hope you have been praying together regularly this month, as husband and wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI know many of you have been receiving the daily prayer prompts that are coming via text message, or email, or through the My FamilyLife app. If you\u2019ve not been receiving those prayer prompts, and you\u2019d like to join us for the remaining days of the prayer challenge\u2014and then, if you missed out on the first part of the month, you can start over again and just continue the prayer challenge on an ongoing\u00a0 basis\u2014go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER,\u201d and sign up for the 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. Again, we\u2019ll send you those prayer prompts each day to help the two of you pray together each day for 30 days. We believe you\u2019ll find that is a powerful and important discipline in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the subject we\u2019re addressing today is a tough subject. It\u2019s the issue of domestic abuse. I don\u2019t know if there\u2019s ever been research done on this or not, but I would be interested in knowing whether the incidence of domestic abuse is more or less prevalent among church-going couples.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I think, Bob, we had a guest on our show\u2014here earlier, a number of years ago\u2014who indicated that ultra-fundamentalist churches foster men who are in control, stay in control, and abuse their wives and children, both emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. I don\u2019t know of any statistics\u2014maybe our guest does. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJustin Holcomb joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Justin, welcome back.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Thank you. Thank you very much for the opportunity to talk about this issue. In fundamentalist churches\u2014absolutely\u2014in the church at large\u2014that\u2019s such a wide scope\u2014it\u2019s about the same.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014as the culture?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>But the more conservative the church is the more it increases? Is that what you\u2019re saying?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. Because you actually have a divine stamp of approval to do things like dominate\u2014they misconstrue 1 Corinthians\u2014like, \u201cThe wife\u2019s body\u2019s yours.\u201d They misinterpret that with a false vision of masculinity. They think that means dominating, as opposed to Ephesians, that says, \u201cLay down your life the way that Christ did for His church,\u201d\u2014\u201cLay down your life for your wife.\u201d That\u2019s a different way of understanding relationships. That\u2019s actually very counter-cultural also. One of the gifts that Christians have is\u2014to talk about a Christian view of marriage and what that looks like. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean, I\u2019ve joked about this at men\u2019s retreats\u2014I\u2019ve said: \u201cEveryone is talking about submission and everything, and \u2018Wives, submit to your husbands.\u2019 Do they realize that the Bible tells us to lay down our life?\u201d\u2014like: \u201cWhich one do you want more? Laying down your life or submitting?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019re talking about the challenge to men\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014they are called to give up their lives for their wives, and that means protecting them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes it does.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s really at the heart of your book, <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em>\u2014that you have co-authored with your wife Lindsey. I just need to ask you a basic question: \u201cWhat\u2019s at the core of domestic violence \/ domestic abuse? What\u2019s the issue here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>At the core is a desire for power and control over somebody else\u2014that\u2019s the main thing. Both sexual abuse and domestic violence is mostly about power and control\u2014having power over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you want to look, more biblically and theologically, what you see in the Fall\u2014what\u2019s supposed to happen is\u2014humans were supposed to love God and love their neighbor\/ love the other and have this flourishing life of <em>shalom<\/em>\u2014the Hebrew word for \u201cpeace.\u201d When sin intrudes, the first effect of sin that you see in the family is murder and violence. You see false worship\u2014it was an issue of worship\u2014you know, Cain and Abel. You have the bad sacrifice brought; and then out of that is violence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGenesis 6 [paraphrase] says: \u201cI looked at the hearts of men. They are only evil all the time,\u201d\u2014they did violence to one another. What we\u2019re looking at\u2014domestic abuse and domestic violence\u2014at the core is the effect of sin \/ is to hate God and to exploit other people. That\u2019s the temptation of the human heart because of the Fall\u2014is to dominate, exploit, [and\/or] have power\/control over the other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why, when Jesus says: \u201cLet Me tell you the problem with humans. Love God and love your neighbor,\u201d\u2014you don\u2019t love God, and you need to\u2014and you don\u2019t love your neighbor \/ you hate your neighbor. \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself,\u201d\u2014when He gave that summary of the Law, He was diagnosing our two-fold problem with God and each other.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I had a woman\u2014that I talked to a number of years ago\u2014I said, \u201cWas your husband abusive?\u201d\u2014she had divorced him. She said, \u201cYes.\u201d I said, \u201cDid you have any idea when you dated that he was an abuser?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOh,\u201d she said: \u201cHe put his best foot forward. He was a narcissist. He knew how to sweet-talk me, and we got married. Five years into our marriage, we\u2019re having an argument.\u201d She said, all of a sudden, the back of his hand completely cold-cocked her and caught her off guard. She said, \u201cAt that point, fear entered our relationship.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt then went on to further abuse, later on in the marriage, that ultimately ended up with her husband abandoning her. Sure looked like he had faked Christianity and had no relationship with Christ, but he controlled his wife through that fear.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, Justin\u2014I\u2019ve heard, over and over again, from wives who said: \u201cWhen we dated, I had no sign\/no clue that anything like this happened\u201d; but\u2014on the honeymoon, or three weeks in, or whatever\u2014something happens. It, all of a sudden, emerges. That has to cause every engaged woman, listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, to go, \u201cWhat should I do?\u201d Is there a way to know, before you marry somebody, whether the potential for abuse is there?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Some of these narcissists are so good that they hide it from everybody. I\u2019ve heard that version of that story numerous times.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s what she said.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>She said, \u201cHe was really good.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. And that does happen. Imagine, in a Christian context, when you just get married\u2014you\u2019re thinking: \u201cI just hitched my life to this man who did this? What did I just sign up for?\u201d The other extreme\u2014some women feel like they saw some hints of it; but they thought, \u201cWho knew it was going to grow into this?\u201d They feel shame \/ they feel stupid because they chose when they had, in their mind, some early indications. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things you can actually do is\u2014do this partnering, dating, courting, whatever you do\u2014do that in a community because there are so many eyes. I\u2019ve seen\u2014when you have older married couples \/ older single people and peers, who are married and single\u2014when you have a community involved in this partnering process, you have other eyes that are a little bit more objective than you because, when you have the dazzling emotions going on, you need these other people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI\u2019ve seen other people speak up and say: \u201cI don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t think this is a good direction. There\u2019s something wrong. I would wait or, maybe even, break up.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, as you know, frequently, those don\u2019t go very well; but sometimes they do. They say, \u201cYou know\u2014I am going to wait,\u201d As soon as the woman says, \u201cI think we should wait,\u201d guess what happens to the controlling guy, who\u2019s faking it? He freaks out. He gets angry. He blames her, and then they manifest. Giving them an opportunity to actually manifest that is a good opportunity.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019ve said to a lot of young women, who are considering marriage\u2014I\u2019ve said, \u201cPay particular attention to how your intended treats his mother and how he treats the waitress at the restaurant.\u201d There\u2019s just something about\u2014it\u2019ll come out in both of those. I don\u2019t know why it\u2019s the waitress and the mom\u2014maybe you can explain that\u2014but you can see it!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>I say the same exact thing\u2014I feel so much better because I thought I just kind of made up some weird thing. The reason I do that is because the way they treat their mother is the most intimate, emotional connection of a woman who has some sway and influence. That\u2019s a role that the wife will play\u2014the proximity \/ the closeness. The waitress is one because that\u2019s more how he views women in general. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s how \/ that\u2019s why I\u2019ve said it\u2014I want to get both ends of the spectrum: \u201cHow does he treat his mom?\u201d \/ \u201cHow does he treat just a woman, whose name he doesn\u2019t know, who is serving food\/serving him? How does he relate? Does he non-flirtatiously say, \u2018Hey, what\u2019s your name?\u2019 \u2018Thank you very much,\u2019 or is he really demanding \/ is he never happy? There\u2019s a lot you can see in both of those relationships.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There are listeners, who are hearing us talk about this, and they\u2019re scratching their heads a little bit. They\u2019re saying: \u201cI listen to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> pretty regularly. You guys talk about men loving and leading their wives \/ about wives respecting, honoring, and submitting to their husbands. Isn\u2019t it that that leads to domestic violence?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAren\u2019t those kind of roles in marriage\u2014don\u2019t those just foster domestic violence?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>No. It\u2019s those things <em>distorted<\/em> that does that. When those things become the tools used by an abusive man, it distorts it; but when you read Scripture, it says [paraphrase of Ephesians 5:21-32], \u201cMutually submit to one another.\u201d Then it unpacks that and says, \u201cWhat does that look like?\u201d It looks like wives respecting their husbands and husbands laying down their life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you look at Scripture, you do not see any type of support for this [distorted abuse]. As a matter of fact, you actually have\u2014on the lips of God is, \u201cI hate violence,\u201d over, and over, and over again. He says, \u201cI am on the side of those who have been abused.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And in Malachi, He says to those who have dealt treacherously with their wives\u2014He says: \u201cThis is why I\u2019m having nothing to do with you. This is why you pray and get no answer because you have dealt treacherously with your wife.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>The biblical picture of marriage relationships should be a shining light to the world. It should be a neon sign, saying: \u201cLook how good this faith is. Look at how our husbands <em>love<\/em> their wives and children, and look how the wives respect and love their husbands.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we actually had the biblical picture and vision for marriage played out more regularly\u2014if <em>I<\/em> did\u2014I\u2019m not throwing rocks. I wish my neighbors saw me loving my wife and children the way that I\u2019m called to because I think I\u2019d probably get asked quicker, \u201cSo\u2014what do you believe?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>I really believe that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You say something in the book I think, right now, you just need to put it out there\u2014like it really is: \u201cWhy does someone, who may think she is in an abusive relationship, call it what it is and name it?\u2014name it that it is indeed abuse or domestic violence.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>It\u2019s important to name it because you need to acknowledge the pain that\u2019s happening and the sin that\u2019s occurring. To deny it and to act like it\u2019s not abuse and not sinful is actually\u2014it doesn\u2019t do them a service. It lives in denial. I get it! I mean, who would want to engage the possibility that the person they selected is harming them?\u2014because it feels like: \u201cI made a dumb decision.\u201d There\u2019s so much shame involved and fear. Most women have to choose between \u201cDo I live out of this violent home, and then I\u2019ll be homeless?\u201dor \u201cDo I stay in this violent environment?\u201d Most women are picking between homelessness and staying in an abusive situation. The pressure that they feel is very strong to deny what\u2019s happening to them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey think: \u201cYou know what? I have to stay for the kids,\u201d \u201cI have to stay because, if I leave, I\u2019m violating the plan of God,\u201d \u201cI need to stay because who\u2019s going to believe me? He\u2019s a deacon in the church. How am I supposed to get money for rent, and school, and medicine, and food? What am I supposed to do?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey feel trapped. So it\u2019s easier not to engage and look through\u2014and then they start realizing, \u201cWell, I feel terror, fear, anxiety whenever he\u2019s around.\u201d They look at how they actually feel toward him\u2014but that\u2019s not the only basis\u2014we don\u2019t want to be just subjective on, \u201cHow do you <em>feel<\/em> about this man?\u201d but start looking at his behaviors: \u201cOh, he\u2019s dominating, he\u2019s humiliating, he\u2019s controlling,\u201d and these other dimensions that he does and how they relate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There\u2019s something you do in the book I want you to do right now\u2014it\u2019s on pages 32 and 33. It describes, in different terms, the different types of abusers that are out there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And by the way, we have this on our website. If folks want to download the chapter that this is from, they can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and download it. Just follow along with what you\u2019re talking about here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Well, these are the signs you\u2019re in an abusive relationship. These are eight categories or personas abusers commonly exhibit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne, the bully\u2014he glares, shouts, and sulks. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTwo, the jailer\u2014stops you from working or seeing friends, keeps you in the house, and he \u00ad\u00adcharms your friends and family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There really are guys who try to lock their spouse up, both emotionally and physically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>They take away their cell phones \/ they don\u2019t let them drive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They don\u2019t let them go out with other friends.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>No\u2014especially, not family because the family might rescue them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe head worker\u2014he puts you down. Tells you you\u2019re too fat, too thin, ugly, stupid, [and\/or] useless.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFour, persuader\u2014he cries to get his way. He says he loves you to get his way. He threatens to kill himself or hurt the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFive, the liar\u2014he denies any abuse. He says it was <em>only<\/em> a slap\u2014blames drinking, or drugs, or not having a job.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber six is the bad father\u2014he says you\u2019re a bad mother, and he uses access to harass you \/ turns the children against you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSeven\u2014he\u2019s the king of his castle. He treats you like a servant and says women are for sex, cooking, and housework. He expects sex on demand. He controls all the money.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd last\u2014eight\u2014the sexual controller. He abuses you\u2014he won\u2019t accept, \u201cNo,\u201d for an answer. He sulks unless you give in to what he wants, sexually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThose are eight different personas. He doesn\u2019t have to do all eight of those. Any one of those is a persona of how the abuse can manifest, but you\u2019ll likely see a number of these.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A guy, who\u2019s a chronic abuser, who fits this mold\u2014I mean, you\u2019ve said it\u2019s about power and it\u2019s about control\u2014but what buries this in a man\u2019s heart? How does a guy grow up to be this kind of guy?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Some of them have had this modeled. That doesn\u2019t excuse it by any stretch because they choose to abuse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>So we\u2019re going to factors that accentuate this. They are responsible for their choice to abuse women and children. Some of them have seen this modeled\u2014this is, to them, what was the norm for how you relate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother one is the insecurity that we talked about\u2014men who are insecure that they can\u2019t\u2014because of the accomplishments of their wife or for various reasons. What we see is that, when there\u2019s an increase in unemployment, there\u2019s also an increase in domestic abuse because the man feels disempowered \/ he feels useless. He needs to control something in his life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnother one is\u2014many men have an issue with intimacy. Being vulnerable is scary to them. It goes, hand in hand, with the insecurity thing\u2014where the person, who sees and knows them the best\u2014they have to be held in control and in check. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne\u2014that\u2019s not an issue, which many people go to is\u2014they go, \u201cOh, he just has an anger problem.\u201d What\u2019s surprising\u2014clearly there\u2019s an anger problem\u2014but it\u2019s not because of some rage they can\u2019t control. What we\u2019ve noticed is\u2014that most abusive men \/ well, physically, when they abuse\u2014they usually abuse in places that are covered by clothes or hair. They\u2019re very strategic and rational about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey also don\u2019t physically abuse in front of friends and family\u2014they do it when they\u2019re not around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, it\u2019s not like they snap into rage mode, where they can\u2019t control it, regardless of who\u2019s there. They\u2019re actually very thoughtful and rational about how they\u2019re going to abuse. They don\u2019t verbally abuse in front of the family and friends. It\u2019s never seen by anyone else because they\u2019re really, really good at hiding it. It\u2019s not really an anger\/rage issue whatsoever.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s interesting\u2014and I want you to comment on this. My son is a counselor in Nashville, Tennessee. Samuel did his graduate work before he became a counselor. One of the specialties he had was group work with men, who were abusive in relationships. Now, I know what he told me about the profile of these guys, from a socio-economic standpoint. Share with our listeners the profile of that group. We all have the picture in our minds and think, \u201cWhat would a group of guys look like, who are beating their wives or being abusive to their wives?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Those people think that they\u2019re poor and uneducated. My Lindsey\u2014she was leading one of these groups also. I went to go pick her up when we were dating, and all of these men walked out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI thought: \u201cWell, they must have some other group here? Is there some amazing leaders of the community group also meeting in this building right now?\u201d because out walked lawyers, professors, ministers, every race, every religion, every age group, every socio-economic\u2014I was shocked! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI finally walked into the room because all of the men left. I said, \u201cWho were all those guys?\u201d She kind of looked at me and laughed. She said, \u201cThose are the abusive men I\u2019ve been telling you about.\u201d It hit me that I assumed they would all be uneducated and poor\u2014that was my assumption.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Your words are virtually the same as my son, Samuel\u2019s. I mean, he said: \u201cDad, you would never spot an abuser. He can be so cunning, so sharp, and so persuasive. You wouldn\u2019t ever think he would be abusive to his wife.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>And imagine the woman\u2019s experience\u2014who, behind closed doors, when no one is seeing, has this experience of terror and fear\u2014and then, when they walk out, they see how good that man is at deceiving everyone else about who he really is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s one of the reasons they feel so trapped\u2014that there\u2019s no \/ who\u2019s going to believe them? Some of these men are amazing at this duplicity and this deception that they feel like there\u2019s no way out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why the message\u2014that God knows, sees, and hears, that He delivers us from evil\u2014Jesus wouldn\u2019t have taught us to pray \u201cDeliver us from evil,\u201d in the Lord\u2019s Prayer if He didn\u2019t mean it. That\u2019s the message that they need to hear\u2014is that He sees, and He knows, and He is more sovereign and creative than we could imagine. He can deliver us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, it might not be magically, miraculously, spot-on, after you pray it; but He has promised that is His name\u2019s sake. What He cares about is redeeming what evil has done and rescuing those who need deliverance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And to that woman, who\u2019s listening to us today, who is in a relationship, where she\u2019s wondering if it\u2019s abusive; more than likely, it is. Isolation is not your friend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have got to find some people who can create a safe place, and help you get protection, and also get a plan in place to be able to, not just survive, but know how to go forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and you ought to go to our website and download some of the chapters from Justin\u2019s book, which is called <em>Is It My Fault?,<\/em> because it gives you some very practical coaching on this subject \/ some diagnostic tools. One of the chapters is called \u201cMaking a Safety Plan.\u201d It helps you with exactly what we\u2019ve been talking about here today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d You\u2019ll see a copy of Justin\u2019s book there called <em>Is It My Fault? <\/em>Then there\u2019s an additional tab that says, \u201cResources from the book.\u201d When you click on that, you\u2019ll have access to the chapters that we\u2019ve mentioned. Again, thanks to Justin and his publisher for making this available to our listeners. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the title of Justin\u2019s book is: <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em> You can order a copy, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, these are difficult issues to talk about; and yet, this is the reality for a lot of families. At <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, our goal\/our commitment is to provide practical biblical help for the issues that families are facing. Some of them are tougher issues than others, but we want to offer godly wisdom on what to do when you face these kinds of issues in a marriage or in a family situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOur goal is that every home would become a godly home. That\u2019s why we\u2019re committed to providing practical biblical \/ transformational help and hope for your marriage and your family each day on this program, on our website, through the resources we offer, and the events we host.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s our goal, here at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019re grateful that some of you embrace that goal with us\u2014you are supporters of this ministry. You make this daily radio program possible with your donations, and we appreciate your partnership. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation today, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you the 2016 FamilyLife prayer calendar. This will give you things to be praying about, as a family, throughout the year. You can start using it right away because it includes the last three months of 2015. You can hang it right away and start praying right away. Make a donation, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cI Care,\u201d and you can receive the prayer calendar. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014make your donation over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOr you can mail your donation to us at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to explore the question we haven\u2019t asked yet, and that is whether abuse in a marriage provides someone with appropriate biblical grounds for the dissolution of that marriage. If not, what do you do? We\u2019ll talk more about that tomorrow. Hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2015 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303670","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303670"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303670"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303670"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303670"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303670"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303670"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303670"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}