{"id":303668,"date":"2015-09-21T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-09-21T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/what-is-domestic-abuse\/"},"modified":"2015-09-21T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2015-09-21T15:00:00","slug":"what-is-domestic-abuse","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-is-domestic-abuse\/","title":{"rendered":"What Is Domestic Abuse?"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Domestic abuse is ravaging our homes. Pastor Justin Holcomb defines the meaning of domestic violence and shares a little about his wife&#8217;s experience growing up with an abusive father.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-21.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"24.22M","filesize_raw":"25397807","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2860,2873],"tags":[2949,4393],"podcast_series":[7215],"cwp_profile":[8833],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303668","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hardship-and-suffering","category-mental-and-emotional-issues","tag-abuse","tag-domestic-abuse","podcast_series-is-it-my-fault","cwp_profile-justin-holcomb","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303668\/what-is-domestic-abuse","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303668\/what-is-domestic-abuse","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"K7S4oNezah\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-is-domestic-abuse\/\">What Is Domestic Abuse?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-is-domestic-abuse\/embed\/#?secret=K7S4oNezah\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What Is Domestic Abuse?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"K7S4oNezah\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-21.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-21.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When we marry, we promise to love, honor, cherish another person; but sometimes, instead of loving, and honoring, and cherishing, we wind up intimidating, manipulating, seeking to control, or even bringing domestic violence into a marriage. Here\u2019s author and speaker, Justin Holcomb.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>That\u2019s the term that most people go to\u2014domestic violence\u2014but the most helpful is domestic abuse because it is a broader category. We define it as a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior that is used by one individual to gain power and control over another. It\u2019s not just physical\u2014it includes emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, financial withholding of medical equipment or access\u2014any way that you can try to get power and control maintain it over someone in the context of an intimate partner relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, September 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll explore the issue of domestic abuse today and talk about what to do when this kind of abuse is present in your marriage. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. Today, by the way, is Day 21 of the FamilyLife 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. We\u2019ve had lots of couples, over the last three weeks, who have been joining us\u2014praying together, each day, as husband and wife\u2014taking a different theme each day and having both of you pray together in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday\u2019s theme is the need for honesty and transparency in marriage. We\u2019re encouraging husbands to pray that God will keep both of you courageous and trusting enough to always be honest in your marriage and encouraging wives to pray that you\u2019ll be able to process truth in your marriage with grace, especially if there has been deceit between you in the past.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe believe that praying together, as a couple, is an important discipline in marriage. If you\u2019re not praying together each day, as a couple, why don\u2019t you sign up and join us for the remaining days of our Oneness Prayer Challenge? When we get to the end of the 30 days, you can actually start back at the beginning and keep going on into October. Find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d Sign up for the Oneness Prayer Challenge\u2014receive a prayer prompt from us each day via text message, or email, or through the My FamilyLife app. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the subject that we\u2019re going to talk about today is\u2014this is one of those subjects you wish you didn\u2019t have to talk about \/ you wish this didn\u2019t even exist.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. You and I first started talking about this about\u2014what?\u201415 years ago, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We felt like someone had to speak up about domestic violence and really speak on behalf of women, who are being abused by men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other morning, I was reading the Bible\u2014Colossians, Chapter 3, verse 19, for whatever reason. I know I\u2019ve read this before \/ tons of times\u2014but it just came across the page\u2014it just kind of pierced me. It says, \u201cHusbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.\u201d That\u2019s a good word for any man, who\u2019s listening to our broadcast today, because we, as men\u2014just on the basis of who we are as kind of rough-and-tumble\u2014we can be harsh with our wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We can\u2019t blame that on the testosterone and say, \u201cThat\u2019s just how I\u2019m wired\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No. No. Well, you can blame it on whatever you want to blame it on\u2014you\u2019re still responsible. The point is that harshness can turn into abuse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a guest with us, Justin Holcomb, who knows a great deal about this. Justin, welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Thank you very much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Justin and his wife Lindsey have been married eight years. You guys live in Orlando, Florida. You teach at Reformed Seminary \/ Gordon Conwell. You\u2019re a minister. And you have co-authored a book called <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em>\u2014and you co-authored it with a woman. I\u2019m looking at this\u2014at the bottom, Bob, look at it\u2014it says, \u201cJustin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb.\u201d Now, my first thought was, \u201cWell, it has to be his sister.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well why\u2019d you think, \u201csister\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I thought\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Oh, because it didn\u2019t say, \u201cJustin and Lindsey Holcomb.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There you go!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because it was two separate names\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014interesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So tell us about this person, Lindsey Holcomb\u2014how you met her and \u201cWhat\u2019s the story here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. That\u2019s my wife\u2014not my sister. [Laughter] We\u2019ve been married for eight years. We wrote a book, previously, on sexual abuse. When I met her, I was serving at a church and teaching at the University of Virginia. Well, she was working at a sexual assault crisis center and a domestic violence shelter. I mean, she was this amazing woman\u2014who was on the ground, all the time, working with victims or survivors\u2014I\u2019m not worried about which word we use. She kept on saying: \u201cHey, you\u2019re in the church. What does the church have to do with these issues?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we were dating, we\u2019d go out for dinner. I\u2019d say, \u201cHow was your day?\u201d She\u2019d tell horror stories of the things that she was dealing with, and some good ones of healing, and of some good things happening for these people who were suffering so much. I\u2019m talking about grading papers at a university and working on a sermon. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat actually brought our worlds together. We started writing and doing some teaching on \u201cWhat Does the Bible and the Christian Faith Have to Say to and about These Issues?\u201d This came out of her, on the ground work, where she was working at a shelter with women who were fleeing abusive husbands or boyfriends.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And there was a reason why her heart was drawn to these women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. This was her experience at home. Her father was not physically or sexually abusive. He was abusive\u2014emotionally, verbally, psychologically, financially\u2014with his wife, my mother-in-law, and her other sister. She would tell stories of him chasing them around the house, threatening\u2014that was part of her story, as a child. When she started going through training for domestic violence advocacy, she realized then, \u201cOh, this is my story.\u201d She didn\u2019t know that until she was in college. She became a Christian in college\u201419\u2014started doing domestic violence training. That year, when she was 19, was huge. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, fast-forward\u2014we got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well no, no. You have to tell a little bit of the story of \u201cHow did this move from writing a theological paper on domestic violence and sexual abuse to tying the knot?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Oh, I realized that she was amazing and dazzling. I proposed as quickly as possible. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Didn\u2019t need anything more than that\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>She was a fellow in a local church\u2014she was doing a fellows program. I thought: \u201cShe\u2019s studying theology. She cares about ministering to people,\u201d\u2014like, \u201cThis is amazing!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So you tied the knot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Coming back from our honeymoon, we\u2019re driving back from the airport. She nervously said: \u201cI have to use the bathroom. Can you pull over?\u201d I pulled over at the very next exit, and she went to the restroom. When she came out, she was crying. I said: \u201cWhat happened, honey? Are you okay?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe was like: \u201cYes. Ever since I was a kid, every time I had to go to the bathroom, my dad would yell at me and scream at me about why I was such a nuisance, and why I was so horrible, why I\u2019m slowing him down. The fact that you pulled over so quickly and were <em>happy<\/em> to do that\u2014I\u2019m realizing the dimensions of how much his voice is living in my head.\u201d And then she talked about the various looks \/ the kind of threatening looks that she would get and that her father would give. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery once in a while, still to this day, sometimes I\u2019ll give a look\u2014I\u2019m not a perfect husband\u2014so sometimes, I do \u201cthe look\u201d of disapproval\u2014but sometimes, I\u2019m not even doing a look \/ I\u2019m thinking; and she thinks I\u2019m angry at her. The look\u2014I can see when the look goes to fear\u2014and watching the effects of a little girl, growing up in a home with an abusive man\u2014who was self-centered and did not care about anyone but himself\u2014and the effects of that all the way down to her\u2014you know, the identity, the sense of security, how you relate to God, as Father \/ all of these things\u2014the effects. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis hits home for us\u2014of making sure that we can serve those who have been in that type of setting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And a lot of our listeners, right now\u2014far too many \/ about one in four families experience domestic violence. There are listeners, right now, who are in a relationship and don\u2019t realize they\u2019re in an abusive relationship. Give us a working definition for what domestic abuse looks like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Domestic violence\u2014I thank you for using both terms\u2014it\u2019s helpful. Domestic violence\u2014because it has the word, \u201cviolence,\u201d in it, most people think it means <em>only<\/em> physical. We use that because that\u2019s the term that most people go to\u2014domestic violence. But the most helpful is domestic abuse because it is a broader category. We define it as a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior that is used by one individual to gain power and control over another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is done by using frightening behavior\u2014intimidating, terrorizing, exploiting, threatening, blaming, injuring. What it is\u2014is a pattern of abusive ways of relating to, usually, the wife or the girlfriend \/ the woman in the relationship. It\u2019s not just physical\u2014it includes emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, financial withholding of medical equipment or access\u2014any way that you can try to get power and control and maintain it over someone in the context of an intimate partner relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is it most often a man who is abusing his wife?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. Most often it\u2019s a man abusing. As you know, culture\u2019s changing\u2014there\u2019s so much of cohabitation\u2014so it\u2019s more helpful to nuance it and say, \u201cMan abusing his wife, or girlfriend, or partner.\u201d But there are men who have been abused by women. It\u2019s not talked about because it\u2019s so under-reported\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014because, not only is there shame from being the victim of abuse\u2014women would say that it\u2019s a very shaming thing to say, \u201cYes, I\u2019m being abused by a person I chose to be with,\u201d \/ for a man that\u2019s there\u2014but also because he\u2019s thinking, \u201cWhat kind of man am I that my girlfriend or my wife is bossing me around?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>So, there\u2019s an extra hit \/ so there\u2019s even more shame piled on. We even said in the book\u2014we said: \u201cHey, we know that there are plenty of men; but that\u2019s another book. There\u2019s another whole level for men who are abused. We\u2019re going to write to the women.\u201d So we wrote specifically to women; but I can guarantee you\u2014and you know this\u2014there\u2019s going to be some men listening to this, going, \u201cEverything that\u2019s being said\u2014this is applying to <em>me<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>That is very true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Justin, I have to tell you\u2014I\u2019ve had conversations with wives, in the past, where a wife has said: \u201cI divorced my husband. He was emotionally abusive.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And there\u2019s this little thing in the back of my mind, going, \u201cNow, is that just a convenient out for you to say, \u2018Because he got grumpy, from time to time, I overreacted to his grumpiness and called it \u201cemotional abuse\u201d and I found my get-out-of-jail-free card with that\u2019?\u201d Is there a way to differentiate between legitimate abuse \/ emotional abuse and something that is just a part of the human condition that you\u2019re living with a fellow sinner, who\u2019s going to mess up from time to time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes there is, I believe. Some people will likely use that, and I\u2019m sure that they have\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And when you say \u201cuse that\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Use the emotionally-abusive husband\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s why we got divorced.\u201d The story that you were saying\u2014I don\u2019t have a lot of those interactions\u2014but I\u2019m fairly confident that that\u2019s been done before\u2014especially the person who would do that would be in a church, where there\u2019s pressure to not divorce and they need a way out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>So that person might use that as their get-out-of-jail-free card\u2014has another relationship on the side or something else is going on, where they need a way out from the cultural pressure of getting divorced: \u201cHow do I get divorced?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut most people\u2014we can\u2019t get people to actually talk about their experience because there\u2019s so much shame. It\u2019s more likely that people, who are saying, \u201cemotionally abused\u201d really are; and it\u2019s probably worse than they\u2019re saying. So, while your story, I think, has happened\u2014I don\u2019t think that\u2019s the norm. I do think, if someone\u2019s going, \u201cI was emotionally abused,\u201d if we say, \u201cWould you like to tell me some of those stories?\u201d you\u2019ll hear stories that would be <em>horrifying<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Like what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>One woman\u2014this one, she was not physically abused, and this is a very important point, that many women who are abused have said: \u201cYou know what?\u2014the physical stuff?\u2014that actually has healed.\u201d Yes, it hurts\u2014and I\u2019m not minimizing the physical pain\u2014but the emotional, spiritual, and psychological\u2014it sinks and hits home, and it stays there <em>forever<\/em>. You don\u2019t forget those memories.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis woman was working with Lindsey. She told the story of how her husband routinely\u2014if he didn\u2019t like the meal that she made or if it wasn\u2019t hot or ready when he came home\u2014he would take the food, put it into the dog dish, put the dog dish in the corner of the dining room, and make her eat dinner in front of the children out of the dog dish to shame her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh my goodness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>And then he\u2019d just sit there, and bark at her, and yell at her\u2014and she just sat there. The thing that stung her the most was: \u201cWhat did that do to her kids?\u201d\u2014the pain she felt \/ the humiliation\u2014to be humiliated, by your husband, in front of the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>De-humanized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s exactly what he was doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd another one\u2014there was a woman that my wife and I worked with. She was married to a man who held onto her visa\u2014she immigrated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tUnless they had sex the number of times that he would like\u2014I don\u2019t remember how many times \/ one or two times a week\u2014he wrote up a contract and said, \u201cIf you don\u2019t have sex with me one or two times a week, then you have to pay half the rent, half the car payments, half of this, half of this, half of this,\u201d and \u201cIf you divorce me,\u201d\u2014he had this in the contract\u2014\u201cIf you divorce me, I\u2019m going to say that you\u2019re abusive to the child; and you will not have our child.\u201d He never physically touched her, but he was controlling and manipulating\u2014was in her head.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is the beautiful think about the story. She wasn\u2019t a Christian when they got married\u2014he was. She started reading the Bible. She confessed faith in Christ. Then she came to me and said: \u201cI\u2019m reading the Bible. You know what the Bible says about what husbands are supposed to do? Jesus laid down His life for me to deal with my sin so we can have a relationship \/ I\u2019m reconciled with God. The Bible says that he\u2019s supposed to lay down his life for me; right?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cYes, that\u2019s exactly what it says.\u201d \u201cWell, what\u2019s happened to me is the opposite of this.\u201d She told me because she didn\u2019t know that this was wrong. I mean, she had a sense that it was wrong; but she thought, \u201cMaybe this is what Christian men are supposed to do\u2014they\u2019re supposed to lead their wives.\u201d Reading the Bible is what actually caused her to say, \u201cThis is <em>horribly<\/em> wrong,\u201d and kind of stand up for herself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBoth of these women have slowly\u2014the healing process has taken its time\u2014but they are in good places \/ their children are in safe places. Both of those men, as soon as some light was on the situation, both of those men got angry, rebelled, spun out, went to another church \/ claimed to be victims. I mean, that\u2019s the routine because men that abuse\u2014there are two things about them\u2014they are deeply insecure \/ deeply, deeply insecure men; <em>and<\/em> they are masters at blame-shifting and playing the victim. Those two character traits you can notice about them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was all based on some of the stories, where it\u2019s not just the physical. Those usually escalate to the physical, at some point. If the emotional and psychological control and domination doesn\u2019t work, they will frequently escalate to the physical and see if that works. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOther men, who are abusive, actually, flip-flop that. Early on in the relationship, they\u2019ll do something physical to have a marker and say, \u201cDon\u2019t make me angry or that\u2019ll happen again.\u201d There\u2019s not a pattern for this. Some of them escalate to physical after emotional and psychological because that\u2019s not working and they need the physical because it escalates. Others, again, flip-flop and do a physical act, early on, and then they don\u2019t need to do anything physical, at that point, because their looks, and the words \/ their threats remind them, \u201cYou don\u2019t want that pain anymore; do you?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; the abuse starts a mind-game, early, in controlling the victim. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver the years, I\u2019ve counseled and talked to a number of women, who\u2019ve been abused. You point out something, early in your book, that I want our listeners to hear on the broadcast. It\u2019s the thing that you say every victim needs to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>It is not your fault. We named the book <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em> because we realize that\u2019s the question many of these victims were asking\u2014especially the Christian ones. It is so sad to hear a woman, who has been emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically abused by someone, who has taken vows to protect, and love, and serve her the way that Christ does the church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when they start getting abused, their first go-to is\u2014that they did something, that it was because they had an abortion when they were 14, because they had premarital sex, because they had premarital sex with their husband, because they\u2019re not good wives, they\u2019re not good parents, they\u2019re not good daughters, [or] they\u2019re not good sisters. They think there\u2019s something that they have done\u2014that they are being ignored or even punished by God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe default mode is: \u201cIt\u2019s my fault. This is something I deserved, and I\u2019m outside of the scope of the grace of God.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, the two questions that we lead with are: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOne, is it my fault?\u201d No. There\u2019s nothing you could have done that makes you worthy and deserving of abuse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAm I outside of the grace of God?\u201d No. As a matter of fact, the main heartbeat of the message of the Bible is that the grace of God is for sinners and sufferers. The deepest message of Jesus, in Scripture, is the grace of God\u2014is for sinners and sufferers. Because of your suffering, you actually have God\u2019s attention; and He loves to deliver people from suffering.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There are some folks, who are listening to us talk about this right now, and they may have teared up, just hearing you talk about that, because of their sense of shame \/ their sense of bondage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve given us permission to put a chapter from your book on our website. It\u2019s a chapter that asks the question, \u201cDoes the grace of God apply to me?\u201d It talks specifically to what you\u2019re talking about. I\u2019d encourage listeners: \u201cIf you wonder, \u2018Am I to blame? Does God\u2019s grace apply?\u2019 go to FamilyLifeToday.com and read this chapter from Justin\u2019s book because I think it\u2019ll speak to you profoundly.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And we\u2019ve also included an appendix, which is really an important one. It\u2019s called \u201cMaking a Safety Plan.\u201d You know, Bob, you never know who you\u2019re talking to, here on the radio\u2014a listener, who\u2019s tuned in and caught this show by the sovereignty of God, He\u2019s looking out for you\u2014God loves you, and He wants to help you find a safe place; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And there is a plan that you can put in place to protect you from the violence continuing \/ the abuse continuing. I think a part of it comes from a diagnosis of, first of all, realizing you\u2019re in it, and then, secondly, wisely determining what your action steps are, moving forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There are tools available to you, at FamilyLifeToday.com, to help you think through this issue in your own marriage, thanks to Justin and to his publisher. We have a number of chapters from his book available to help you diagnose just how serious the issue is in your marriage, if there is domestic abuse going on in your marriage. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d Look for the link where you can order a copy of Justin\u2019s book, <em>Is It My Fault? <\/em>Then also look for the link that has the available chapters from the book so that you can go through the material immediately. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen to access this content; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you\u2019d like us to send you a copy of the book, <em>Is It My Fault?,<\/em> by Justin Holcomb. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, our toll-free number is 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, one of the reasons why we stress, as a ministry, how important it is for husbands and wives to be pursuing spiritual oneness in a marriage relationship is because we believe that the Bible promotes humility, and brokenness, and conviction of sin\u2014the kinds of things we\u2019ve been talking about today\u2014and can help reverse patterns that are destructive patterns in a marriage relationship. Our goal, here at FamilyLife, is to bring the Scriptures to bear on the issues that we face in marriage and to provide you with practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family, day in and day out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to say a quick word of thanks to those of you who make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible\u2014those of you, who will, from time to time, make a donation in support of this ministry\u2014or those of you, who are regular Legacy Partners, and who are, each month, giving a gift to help support the ministry. We\u2019re grateful for your partnership with us and very much appreciate hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, when you make a donation to support the ministry, we\u2019d like to send you our 2016 FamilyLife prayer calendar. You can actually put this up right away, as soon as you get it, because it starts with October of 2015. It gives you things to be praying about each month \/ verses to meditate on, as a family, throughout the month. It\u2019s our gift to you when you support the ministry today with a donation. You can do that by going to FamilyLifeToday.com and clicking the link in the upper right-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cI Care\u201d; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you can also mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to talk more about the issue of domestic violence \/ domestic abuse and what you do in a marriage relationship if this is present in your marriage. I hope you can tune in for that. And I hope, if you know somebody who is going through something like this, you\u2019ll encourage them to join us tomorrow and to listen to this series, online.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2015 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.22M"],"filesize_raw":["25397807"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303668.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303668.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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abuse is ravaging our homes. Pastor Justin Holcomb defines the meaning of domestic violence and shares a little about his wife's experience growing up with an abusive father.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-21.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>When we marry, we promise to love, honor, cherish another person; but sometimes, instead of loving, and honoring, and cherishing, we wind up intimidating, manipulating, seeking to control, or even bringing domestic violence into a marriage. Here\u2019s author and speaker, Justin Holcomb.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>That\u2019s the term that most people go to\u2014domestic violence\u2014but the most helpful is domestic abuse because it is a broader category. We define it as a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior that is used by one individual to gain power and control over another. It\u2019s not just physical\u2014it includes emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, financial withholding of medical equipment or access\u2014any way that you can try to get power and control maintain it over someone in the context of an intimate partner relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, September 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll explore the issue of domestic abuse today and talk about what to do when this kind of abuse is present in your marriage. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Monday edition. Today, by the way, is Day 21 of the FamilyLife 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. We\u2019ve had lots of couples, over the last three weeks, who have been joining us\u2014praying together, each day, as husband and wife\u2014taking a different theme each day and having both of you pray together in your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday\u2019s theme is the need for honesty and transparency in marriage. We\u2019re encouraging husbands to pray that God will keep both of you courageous and trusting enough to always be honest in your marriage and encouraging wives to pray that you\u2019ll be able to process truth in your marriage with grace, especially if there has been deceit between you in the past.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe believe that praying together, as a couple, is an important discipline in marriage. If you\u2019re not praying together each day, as a couple, why don\u2019t you sign up and join us for the remaining days of our Oneness Prayer Challenge? When we get to the end of the 30 days, you can actually start back at the beginning and keep going on into October. Find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d Sign up for the Oneness Prayer Challenge\u2014receive a prayer prompt from us each day via text message, or email, or through the My FamilyLife app. Again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the subject that we\u2019re going to talk about today is\u2014this is one of those subjects you wish you didn\u2019t have to talk about \/ you wish this didn\u2019t even exist.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. You and I first started talking about this about\u2014what?\u201415 years ago, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We felt like someone had to speak up about domestic violence and really speak on behalf of women, who are being abused by men.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other morning, I was reading the Bible\u2014Colossians, Chapter 3, verse 19, for whatever reason. I know I\u2019ve read this before \/ tons of times\u2014but it just came across the page\u2014it just kind of pierced me. It says, \u201cHusbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.\u201d That\u2019s a good word for any man, who\u2019s listening to our broadcast today, because we, as men\u2014just on the basis of who we are as kind of rough-and-tumble\u2014we can be harsh with our wives.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We can\u2019t blame that on the testosterone and say, \u201cThat\u2019s just how I\u2019m wired\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No. No. Well, you can blame it on whatever you want to blame it on\u2014you\u2019re still responsible. The point is that harshness can turn into abuse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a guest with us, Justin Holcomb, who knows a great deal about this. Justin, welcome to the broadcast.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Thank you very much.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Justin and his wife Lindsey have been married eight years. You guys live in Orlando, Florida. You teach at Reformed Seminary \/ Gordon Conwell. You\u2019re a minister. And you have co-authored a book called <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em>\u2014and you co-authored it with a woman. I\u2019m looking at this\u2014at the bottom, Bob, look at it\u2014it says, \u201cJustin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb.\u201d Now, my first thought was, \u201cWell, it has to be his sister.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well why\u2019d you think, \u201csister\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I thought\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Oh, because it didn\u2019t say, \u201cJustin and Lindsey Holcomb.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>There you go!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Because it was two separate names\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014interesting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So tell us about this person, Lindsey Holcomb\u2014how you met her and \u201cWhat\u2019s the story here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. That\u2019s my wife\u2014not my sister. [Laughter] We\u2019ve been married for eight years. We wrote a book, previously, on sexual abuse. When I met her, I was serving at a church and teaching at the University of Virginia. Well, she was working at a sexual assault crisis center and a domestic violence shelter. I mean, she was this amazing woman\u2014who was on the ground, all the time, working with victims or survivors\u2014I\u2019m not worried about which word we use. She kept on saying: \u201cHey, you\u2019re in the church. What does the church have to do with these issues?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we were dating, we\u2019d go out for dinner. I\u2019d say, \u201cHow was your day?\u201d She\u2019d tell horror stories of the things that she was dealing with, and some good ones of healing, and of some good things happening for these people who were suffering so much. I\u2019m talking about grading papers at a university and working on a sermon. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat actually brought our worlds together. We started writing and doing some teaching on \u201cWhat Does the Bible and the Christian Faith Have to Say to and about These Issues?\u201d This came out of her, on the ground work, where she was working at a shelter with women who were fleeing abusive husbands or boyfriends.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And there was a reason why her heart was drawn to these women.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. This was her experience at home. Her father was not physically or sexually abusive. He was abusive\u2014emotionally, verbally, psychologically, financially\u2014with his wife, my mother-in-law, and her other sister. She would tell stories of him chasing them around the house, threatening\u2014that was part of her story, as a child. When she started going through training for domestic violence advocacy, she realized then, \u201cOh, this is my story.\u201d She didn\u2019t know that until she was in college. She became a Christian in college\u201419\u2014started doing domestic violence training. That year, when she was 19, was huge. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, fast-forward\u2014we got married.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well no, no. You have to tell a little bit of the story of \u201cHow did this move from writing a theological paper on domestic violence and sexual abuse to tying the knot?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Oh, I realized that she was amazing and dazzling. I proposed as quickly as possible. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Didn\u2019t need anything more than that\u2014right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>She was a fellow in a local church\u2014she was doing a fellows program. I thought: \u201cShe\u2019s studying theology. She cares about ministering to people,\u201d\u2014like, \u201cThis is amazing!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So you tied the knot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Coming back from our honeymoon, we\u2019re driving back from the airport. She nervously said: \u201cI have to use the bathroom. Can you pull over?\u201d I pulled over at the very next exit, and she went to the restroom. When she came out, she was crying. I said: \u201cWhat happened, honey? Are you okay?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe was like: \u201cYes. Ever since I was a kid, every time I had to go to the bathroom, my dad would yell at me and scream at me about why I was such a nuisance, and why I was so horrible, why I\u2019m slowing him down. The fact that you pulled over so quickly and were <em>happy<\/em> to do that\u2014I\u2019m realizing the dimensions of how much his voice is living in my head.\u201d And then she talked about the various looks \/ the kind of threatening looks that she would get and that her father would give. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEvery once in a while, still to this day, sometimes I\u2019ll give a look\u2014I\u2019m not a perfect husband\u2014so sometimes, I do \u201cthe look\u201d of disapproval\u2014but sometimes, I\u2019m not even doing a look \/ I\u2019m thinking; and she thinks I\u2019m angry at her. The look\u2014I can see when the look goes to fear\u2014and watching the effects of a little girl, growing up in a home with an abusive man\u2014who was self-centered and did not care about anyone but himself\u2014and the effects of that all the way down to her\u2014you know, the identity, the sense of security, how you relate to God, as Father \/ all of these things\u2014the effects. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis hits home for us\u2014of making sure that we can serve those who have been in that type of setting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And a lot of our listeners, right now\u2014far too many \/ about one in four families experience domestic violence. There are listeners, right now, who are in a relationship and don\u2019t realize they\u2019re in an abusive relationship. Give us a working definition for what domestic abuse looks like.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Domestic violence\u2014I thank you for using both terms\u2014it\u2019s helpful. Domestic violence\u2014because it has the word, \u201cviolence,\u201d in it, most people think it means <em>only<\/em> physical. We use that because that\u2019s the term that most people go to\u2014domestic violence. But the most helpful is domestic abuse because it is a broader category. We define it as a pattern of coercive, controlling, or abusive behavior that is used by one individual to gain power and control over another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is done by using frightening behavior\u2014intimidating, terrorizing, exploiting, threatening, blaming, injuring. What it is\u2014is a pattern of abusive ways of relating to, usually, the wife or the girlfriend \/ the woman in the relationship. It\u2019s not just physical\u2014it includes emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, financial withholding of medical equipment or access\u2014any way that you can try to get power and control and maintain it over someone in the context of an intimate partner relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Is it most often a man who is abusing his wife?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes. Most often it\u2019s a man abusing. As you know, culture\u2019s changing\u2014there\u2019s so much of cohabitation\u2014so it\u2019s more helpful to nuance it and say, \u201cMan abusing his wife, or girlfriend, or partner.\u201d But there are men who have been abused by women. It\u2019s not talked about because it\u2019s so under-reported\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014because, not only is there shame from being the victim of abuse\u2014women would say that it\u2019s a very shaming thing to say, \u201cYes, I\u2019m being abused by a person I chose to be with,\u201d \/ for a man that\u2019s there\u2014but also because he\u2019s thinking, \u201cWhat kind of man am I that my girlfriend or my wife is bossing me around?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>So, there\u2019s an extra hit \/ so there\u2019s even more shame piled on. We even said in the book\u2014we said: \u201cHey, we know that there are plenty of men; but that\u2019s another book. There\u2019s another whole level for men who are abused. We\u2019re going to write to the women.\u201d So we wrote specifically to women; but I can guarantee you\u2014and you know this\u2014there\u2019s going to be some men listening to this, going, \u201cEverything that\u2019s being said\u2014this is applying to <em>me<\/em>.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>That is very true.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Justin, I have to tell you\u2014I\u2019ve had conversations with wives, in the past, where a wife has said: \u201cI divorced my husband. He was emotionally abusive.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0And there\u2019s this little thing in the back of my mind, going, \u201cNow, is that just a convenient out for you to say, \u2018Because he got grumpy, from time to time, I overreacted to his grumpiness and called it \u201cemotional abuse\u201d and I found my get-out-of-jail-free card with that\u2019?\u201d Is there a way to differentiate between legitimate abuse \/ emotional abuse and something that is just a part of the human condition that you\u2019re living with a fellow sinner, who\u2019s going to mess up from time to time?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes there is, I believe. Some people will likely use that, and I\u2019m sure that they have\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And when you say \u201cuse that\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Use the emotionally-abusive husband\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s why we got divorced.\u201d The story that you were saying\u2014I don\u2019t have a lot of those interactions\u2014but I\u2019m fairly confident that that\u2019s been done before\u2014especially the person who would do that would be in a church, where there\u2019s pressure to not divorce and they need a way out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>So that person might use that as their get-out-of-jail-free card\u2014has another relationship on the side or something else is going on, where they need a way out from the cultural pressure of getting divorced: \u201cHow do I get divorced?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut most people\u2014we can\u2019t get people to actually talk about their experience because there\u2019s so much shame. It\u2019s more likely that people, who are saying, \u201cemotionally abused\u201d really are; and it\u2019s probably worse than they\u2019re saying. So, while your story, I think, has happened\u2014I don\u2019t think that\u2019s the norm. I do think, if someone\u2019s going, \u201cI was emotionally abused,\u201d if we say, \u201cWould you like to tell me some of those stories?\u201d you\u2019ll hear stories that would be <em>horrifying<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Like what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>One woman\u2014this one, she was not physically abused, and this is a very important point, that many women who are abused have said: \u201cYou know what?\u2014the physical stuff?\u2014that actually has healed.\u201d Yes, it hurts\u2014and I\u2019m not minimizing the physical pain\u2014but the emotional, spiritual, and psychological\u2014it sinks and hits home, and it stays there <em>forever<\/em>. You don\u2019t forget those memories.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis woman was working with Lindsey. She told the story of how her husband routinely\u2014if he didn\u2019t like the meal that she made or if it wasn\u2019t hot or ready when he came home\u2014he would take the food, put it into the dog dish, put the dog dish in the corner of the dining room, and make her eat dinner in front of the children out of the dog dish to shame her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh my goodness.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>And then he\u2019d just sit there, and bark at her, and yell at her\u2014and she just sat there. The thing that stung her the most was: \u201cWhat did that do to her kids?\u201d\u2014the pain she felt \/ the humiliation\u2014to be humiliated, by your husband, in front of the children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>De-humanized.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s exactly what he was doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd another one\u2014there was a woman that my wife and I worked with. She was married to a man who held onto her visa\u2014she immigrated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tUnless they had sex the number of times that he would like\u2014I don\u2019t remember how many times \/ one or two times a week\u2014he wrote up a contract and said, \u201cIf you don\u2019t have sex with me one or two times a week, then you have to pay half the rent, half the car payments, half of this, half of this, half of this,\u201d and \u201cIf you divorce me,\u201d\u2014he had this in the contract\u2014\u201cIf you divorce me, I\u2019m going to say that you\u2019re abusive to the child; and you will not have our child.\u201d He never physically touched her, but he was controlling and manipulating\u2014was in her head.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is the beautiful think about the story. She wasn\u2019t a Christian when they got married\u2014he was. She started reading the Bible. She confessed faith in Christ. Then she came to me and said: \u201cI\u2019m reading the Bible. You know what the Bible says about what husbands are supposed to do? Jesus laid down His life for me to deal with my sin so we can have a relationship \/ I\u2019m reconciled with God. The Bible says that he\u2019s supposed to lay down his life for me; right?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI said, \u201cYes, that\u2019s exactly what it says.\u201d \u201cWell, what\u2019s happened to me is the opposite of this.\u201d She told me because she didn\u2019t know that this was wrong. I mean, she had a sense that it was wrong; but she thought, \u201cMaybe this is what Christian men are supposed to do\u2014they\u2019re supposed to lead their wives.\u201d Reading the Bible is what actually caused her to say, \u201cThis is <em>horribly<\/em> wrong,\u201d and kind of stand up for herself. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBoth of these women have slowly\u2014the healing process has taken its time\u2014but they are in good places \/ their children are in safe places. Both of those men, as soon as some light was on the situation, both of those men got angry, rebelled, spun out, went to another church \/ claimed to be victims. I mean, that\u2019s the routine because men that abuse\u2014there are two things about them\u2014they are deeply insecure \/ deeply, deeply insecure men; <em>and<\/em> they are masters at blame-shifting and playing the victim. Those two character traits you can notice about them.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat was all based on some of the stories, where it\u2019s not just the physical. Those usually escalate to the physical, at some point. If the emotional and psychological control and domination doesn\u2019t work, they will frequently escalate to the physical and see if that works. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOther men, who are abusive, actually, flip-flop that. Early on in the relationship, they\u2019ll do something physical to have a marker and say, \u201cDon\u2019t make me angry or that\u2019ll happen again.\u201d There\u2019s not a pattern for this. Some of them escalate to physical after emotional and psychological because that\u2019s not working and they need the physical because it escalates. Others, again, flip-flop and do a physical act, early on, and then they don\u2019t need to do anything physical, at that point, because their looks, and the words \/ their threats remind them, \u201cYou don\u2019t want that pain anymore; do you?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; the abuse starts a mind-game, early, in controlling the victim. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOver the years, I\u2019ve counseled and talked to a number of women, who\u2019ve been abused. You point out something, early in your book, that I want our listeners to hear on the broadcast. It\u2019s the thing that you say every victim needs to know.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>It is not your fault. We named the book <em>Is It My Fault?<\/em> because we realize that\u2019s the question many of these victims were asking\u2014especially the Christian ones. It is so sad to hear a woman, who has been emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically abused by someone, who has taken vows to protect, and love, and serve her the way that Christ does the church. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when they start getting abused, their first go-to is\u2014that they did something, that it was because they had an abortion when they were 14, because they had premarital sex, because they had premarital sex with their husband, because they\u2019re not good wives, they\u2019re not good parents, they\u2019re not good daughters, [or] they\u2019re not good sisters. They think there\u2019s something that they have done\u2014that they are being ignored or even punished by God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe default mode is: \u201cIt\u2019s my fault. This is something I deserved, and I\u2019m outside of the scope of the grace of God.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so, the two questions that we lead with are: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOne, is it my fault?\u201d No. There\u2019s nothing you could have done that makes you worthy and deserving of abuse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cAm I outside of the grace of God?\u201d No. As a matter of fact, the main heartbeat of the message of the Bible is that the grace of God is for sinners and sufferers. The deepest message of Jesus, in Scripture, is the grace of God\u2014is for sinners and sufferers. Because of your suffering, you actually have God\u2019s attention; and He loves to deliver people from suffering.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There are some folks, who are listening to us talk about this right now, and they may have teared up, just hearing you talk about that, because of their sense of shame \/ their sense of bondage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ve given us permission to put a chapter from your book on our website. It\u2019s a chapter that asks the question, \u201cDoes the grace of God apply to me?\u201d It talks specifically to what you\u2019re talking about. I\u2019d encourage listeners: \u201cIf you wonder, \u2018Am I to blame? Does God\u2019s grace apply?\u2019 go to FamilyLifeToday.com and read this chapter from Justin\u2019s book because I think it\u2019ll speak to you profoundly.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And we\u2019ve also included an appendix, which is really an important one. It\u2019s called \u201cMaking a Safety Plan.\u201d You know, Bob, you never know who you\u2019re talking to, here on the radio\u2014a listener, who\u2019s tuned in and caught this show by the sovereignty of God, He\u2019s looking out for you\u2014God loves you, and He wants to help you find a safe place; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Justin: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And there is a plan that you can put in place to protect you from the violence continuing \/ the abuse continuing. I think a part of it comes from a diagnosis of, first of all, realizing you\u2019re in it, and then, secondly, wisely determining what your action steps are, moving forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>There are tools available to you, at FamilyLifeToday.com, to help you think through this issue in your own marriage, thanks to Justin and to his publisher. We have a number of chapters from his book available to help you diagnose just how serious the issue is in your marriage, if there is domestic abuse going on in your marriage. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d Look for the link where you can order a copy of Justin\u2019s book, <em>Is It My Fault? <\/em>Then also look for the link that has the available chapters from the book so that you can go through the material immediately. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen to access this content; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you\u2019d like us to send you a copy of the book, <em>Is It My Fault?,<\/em> by Justin Holcomb. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, our toll-free number is 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, one of the reasons why we stress, as a ministry, how important it is for husbands and wives to be pursuing spiritual oneness in a marriage relationship is because we believe that the Bible promotes humility, and brokenness, and conviction of sin\u2014the kinds of things we\u2019ve been talking about today\u2014and can help reverse patterns that are destructive patterns in a marriage relationship. Our goal, here at FamilyLife, is to bring the Scriptures to bear on the issues that we face in marriage and to provide you with practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family, day in and day out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just want to say a quick word of thanks to those of you who make <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible\u2014those of you, who will, from time to time, make a donation in support of this ministry\u2014or those of you, who are regular Legacy Partners, and who are, each month, giving a gift to help support the ministry. We\u2019re grateful for your partnership with us and very much appreciate hearing from you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, when you make a donation to support the ministry, we\u2019d like to send you our 2016 FamilyLife prayer calendar. You can actually put this up right away, as soon as you get it, because it starts with October of 2015. It gives you things to be praying about each month \/ verses to meditate on, as a family, throughout the month. It\u2019s our gift to you when you support the ministry today with a donation. You can do that by going to FamilyLifeToday.com and clicking the link in the upper right-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cI Care\u201d; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY and make a donation over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd you can also mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we are going to talk more about the issue of domestic violence \/ domestic abuse and what you do in a marriage relationship if this is present in your marriage. I hope you can tune in for that. And I hope, if you know somebody who is going through something like this, you\u2019ll encourage them to join us tomorrow and to listen to this series, online.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2015 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303668","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303668"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303668"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303668"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303668"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303668"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303668"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303668"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}