{"id":303666,"date":"2015-09-18T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2015-09-18T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/catching-the-little-foxes\/"},"modified":"2015-09-18T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2015-09-18T15:00:00","slug":"catching-the-little-foxes","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/catching-the-little-foxes\/","title":{"rendered":"Catching the Little Foxes"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is something putting a damper on your sex life lately? Dan Allender takes us to the &#8220;little foxes&#8221; that can ruin the marital vineyard. Hear his suggestion for keeping your marriage vibrant.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-18.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.37M","filesize_raw":"26606650","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[5819,2991],"podcast_series":[8101],"cwp_profile":[3437],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303666","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-intimacy-in-marriage","tag-sex","podcast_series-finding-holiness-in-intimacy","cwp_profile-dan-allender","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303666\/catching-the-little-foxes","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303666\/catching-the-little-foxes","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"mOaAeZD4kg\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/catching-the-little-foxes\/\">Catching the Little Foxes<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/catching-the-little-foxes\/embed\/#?secret=mOaAeZD4kg\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Catching the Little Foxes&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"mOaAeZD4kg\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Is something putting a damper on your sex life lately? Dan Allender takes us to the \"little foxes\" that can ruin the marital vineyard. Hear his suggestion for keeping your marriage vibrant.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2015-09-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>For those who imagine that sexual sin is a mostly male problem, author and speaker, Dan Allender, says, \u201cNot so fast.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dan: <\/strong>We are seeing a very significant rise of women with sex addictions \/ with pornography issues. So, when we think of it as just a men\u2019s issue\u2014oh, my goodness\u2014the major difference is men look for visual, and women go onto chat room sites where they can create a persona with another person whom they don\u2019t know so there is anonymity \/ there is a lack of guilt or shame. Then, there\u2019s this indulgence\u2014but it\u2019s all within a relational world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, September 18<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. How do we maintain marital purity when it comes to sexuality in our marriage relationship?\u00a0 We\u2019re going to explore that today. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. This is Day 18 of our 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge for couples. For those of you who have already received your prayer prompt today\u2014via email, or text message, or through the My FamilyLife app\u2014you know that our focus today is on commitment in marriage and on taking the idea of dissolving your marriage covenant off the table in marriage. We\u2019re encouraging husbands to pray that God would protect your marriage from any stray thoughts of divorce and to give you a desire for a lifelong commitment with each other\u2014and encouraging wives to pray for husbands\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that God would give both of you an understanding and forgiving heart, knowing that your marriage will be tested and challenged and that you\u2019ll need those things in order for your commitment to one another to be able to be firm. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you\u2019re not receiving the prayer prompts each day, via text or email, and you\u2019d like to join us for the remaining few weeks of our Oneness Prayer Challenge, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER,\u201d and then, look for the link for the 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. Sign up; and we\u2019ll be happy to send you a prayer prompt each day so you, as husband and wife, can pray together regularly each day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, thinking about commitment in marriage, Dennis, I\u2019ve had the opportunity to talk to a lot of couples about their experience attending one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways. One of the things I\u2019ve heard from couples is that they appreciate the fact that we take a solid hour and talk about intimacy in marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reason they said they appreciate that is because there are so few places, today, where you can go and hear anything or have that kind of a conversation from a biblical perspective. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And for a lot of couples, this is a critical issue in their marriage; and they\u2019ve got no one to talk to about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And they\u2019ve never heard a\u2014really\u2014holy discussion about sex. Frankly, it\u2019s one of the best attended sessions in the entire <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>People tend to show up for that one\u2014yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It is late afternoon, and they are very much awake. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And there is a date-night coming. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>For all the single people, who are at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>\u2014because there\u2014about 10 percent of the audience are singles, who are engaged or thinking about engagement\u2014we usually take up a jog around one of the Great Lakes or something like that before Sunday morning. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Something to burn off a little energy\u2014yes. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, we have with us the coauthor of a new book called <em>God Loves Sex<\/em>. Dan Allender joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDan, welcome back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Thank you, Dennis. Thank you, Bob. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>He coauthored it with Tremper Longman III. It\u2019s an honest conversation about sexual desire and holiness. So, this is kind of a no-holds-barred discussion about sexual intimacy in marriage and why we struggle. And it\u2019s from the book in the Bible, Song of Solomon; and it\u2019s really a very graphic book. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, one of the things it talks about in Chapter 2 is the little foxes that are breaking into the vineyard. They are nipping at the buds of romance and stealing the couple\u2019s intimacy before it has a chance to blossom. Explain what the author was intending by that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, as best as we know, in that poetic setting, a fox was something that would ruin a vineyard. A vineyard \/ a garden was a metaphor, really, of Eden, but also, of sexuality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the garden that you are entering of sexual pleasure is also a picture of what the Edenic world was meant to be. A fox is anything that ruins the kind of goodness and glory you were meant to know in Eden. That could be pornography. That could be physical exhaustion that keeps you from being able. It could be children that are screaming outside your door. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSome things are clearly wrong\u2014like pornography. Your children are lovely, but they are also going to disrupt your sexuality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They are little foxes. I\u2019ll never forget the woman who wrote us and said, \u201cOur romance gave us children; and then, our children took our romance.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s a person who has not bought a very good lock for their bedroom door. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Or found the ability to put them to bed and say: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 It\u2019s time for you to go to bed. Mom and Dad are having a dinner downstairs. You stay in your bedroom.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And: \u201cI think you may have the sniffles. So, take a little Benadryl<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> before you go to bed because that might help.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, we told our children, at one point: \u201cMom and I are going in to experience connubial bliss. If you want to learn what that is, look it up in the dictionary. And we\u2019re going to lock the door. If anything disrupts us, your whole future, including your college\u2014maybe, even your life\u2014will be ended.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>How old\u2014how old were your kids when you told them you were going into connubial bliss?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I think two and three\u2014[Laughter] \u2014I\u2019m kidding\u2014they were a little older. The point is: \u201cLook, we\u2019re not going to hide what we\u2019re doing.\u201d\u00a0 On the other hand, we bought a really good lock; and it is not easily jimmied. So, when you, then, say, \u201cLook, this is part of the reality of living, as a couple, to glory and enjoy,\u201d\u2014you\u2019re beginning to say to your family, \u201cThis isn\u2019t something hidden, but it\u2019s also not something that is allowed to be entered in an inappropriate way.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I just have to peel this back for a second because there are a lot of parents, listening, going: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cYour kids were aware of the fact that you were having some private time?\u201dand \u201cThey might know what you were doing, as your kids were growing up?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I think they knew, by at least age eight or nine, what we were doing\u2014yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And if you were coaching parents today, would you say, \u201cYour kids\u2014yes, it\u2019s okay for them to kind of know that this is what Mom and Dad have got going on\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, let me just be as blunt as I can be. Your children\u2014if they are in any kind of public, private, or still even homeschooled setting\u2014where they have contact with any child that has a smartphone,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dan: <\/strong>\u2014then, by usually fourth or fifth grade, they have had an encounter with someone who is showing pornography. Maybe, they looked \/ maybe, they didn\u2019t look. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reality that you think you can keep your children from the sexual ravages of our culture by somehow isolating them into a so-called Christian context\u2014all I\u2019m telling you is: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cThis is why sex is so important\u2014 not to display in front of your children\u2014but to engage as something that they are already being won by the world.\u201d\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to be able to make it clear that this is an area of both privacy\u2014and yet, honor \/ and yet, joy and delight\u2014and later, as they grow, of an area of struggle for both of you and your spouse. They need truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>They do, and they need a healthy model of what a married couple are all about\u2014it is a part of marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe writer of Song of Solomon made it real clear that you are to go fox hunting. If you are going to go fox hunting, you really need to take an inventory of what the foxes are that are stealing romance. What do you think is the number one fox\u2014if you could generalize today\u2014across all categories of marriage\u2014young married all the way to older married\u2014what would you say is that most prevalent fox that steals romance?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I know you asked for one, but I can\u2019t. Let me just\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I\u2019m not going to\u2014I\u2019m not going to keep you to just one; but I\u2019m saying, \u201cDo you have one that you think is number one?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dan: <\/strong>I think it is pornography. I just think the greatest scourge that faces our young\/our old is the reality of how we have so cheapened the body that we open it for others to be able to see\u2014whether it\u2019s in the way we dress, the way we see media, the way we hear songs. I\u2019m just not against sex. I\u2019m simply against a kind of misuse that makes it common, and cheap, and violates dignity through some form of degradation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNumber one\u2014there is a kind of cheapening and degradation in our culture that you\u2019ve got to, in one sense, open your heart daily to be able to name, and engage together, and to be able to find that freeing purity and the cleansing work of the Spirit of God\u2014absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut if we add, then, a second factor\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014most people are so tired in this two-working family culture or in terms of one working and the other staying at home but so exhausted by all that they are doing\u2014you really can\u2019t make love and be exhausted. You can\u2019t really have delight and be so exhausted. Learning how to say: \u201cNo, we\u2019re not going to make as much money,\u201d \u201cWe are not going to be as busy,\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re not going to be involved with as many people,\u201d we\u2019re actually going to tend to our garden. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you begin to pull up the <em>darkest<\/em> weed, it is pornography. The more <em>insidious<\/em> weed, that we don\u2019t often see, is exhaustion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, you would say to a couple, in the area of exhaustion: \u201cFence out some time \/ carve out some time\u2014put it on the calendar\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I would love to have it on my calendar!\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I mean\u2014and I\u2019ve said to couples about this\u2014I\u2019ve said: \u201cIf the difference between scheduling time together and not having time together\u2014if those are your options\u2014scheduling time is just fine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cIn fact, in some cases, to have the anticipation of scheduled time together can be a wonderful thing in a marriage.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>It\u2019s why sexuality that occurs, when you\u2019re on a trip and you\u2019re no longer in the pressures of the world that you were in\u2014so, you are on a vacation \/ you\u2019re on a cruise\u2014indeed, often, sexuality is much more playful, spontaneous, delightful\u2014but you can still create that, as you put it so well, by just saying: \u201cWe\u2019re not going to just make love from 7:30-8:00 or 7:30-9:00. We\u2019re going to create hours together to be able to talk, to be able to pray, to be able to flirt, to be romantic.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen we begin talking about sexuality, it always involves this desire for pleasure, this desire for connection, and this desire for romance. When all of those factors are at play, you\u2019ve got a moment of great delight. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And one of the things that the Song of Solomon talks about is the anticipation of romance. We think of scheduling something as kind of taking the life out of it. Well, it doesn\u2019t have to. It means you can start planning \/ start thinking. As a man, think about the things that would esteem, value, cherish, and honor your wife: Maybe, it\u2019s vacuuming. Maybe, it\u2019s doing the dishes. Maybe, it\u2019s taking a walk together. Maybe, it\u2019s reading a book out loud. Do the things for her and with her that would build the relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to go back to pornography for a moment because I think we categorized that as a man\u2019s problem. There is a growing side of pornography, however, for women. Describe how it is showing up among women today. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, for example, there was a study once done with about 10,000 people. Eight-five percent of the men struggled with pornography \/ fifty-eight percent of the women struggled. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re seeing a very significant rise of women with sex addictions \/ with pornography issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, when we think of it as just a men\u2019s issue\u2014oh, my goodness\u2014the major difference is\u2014men look for visual, and women go on to chat rooms. Women go onto, in many ways, emotional fantasies with a partner. In that, the arousal isn\u2019t just a visual one \/ it\u2019s actually a deeply relational one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, as we say, a man is aroused more by visual \/ women more by relationship\u2014we should, then, actually presume that the kind of pornography \/ the kind of sites that are available for women are often those chat room sites where they can create a persona with another person with whom they don\u2019t know so there is anonymity \/ there is a lack of guilt or shame. Then, there is this indulgence\u2014but it\u2019s all within a relational world. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Comment on romance novels for women because I understand a number can get really hooked, in terms of a relationship and living in a fantasy world, of players that they identify with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>It\u2019s a very dark problem. I\u2019m not going to condemn all so-called romance novels but to say, \u201cThe very essence is a fantasy structure of being swept off your feet, and therefore, taken\u2014used and taken\u2014by a bad person whom you, over some period, because of the nature of your love\u2014are able to transform.\u201d Do you hear how much gospel goes in that?\u2014so much gospel of wanting to change a heart that is ill toward that which is alive and good\u2014and the desire to be taken\u2014we want to be chosen. We want somebody to pursue us wildly. Yet, what the industry is offering is the very thing that God made us for, and yet, with that turn toward darkness and degradation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, let me ask you a very kind of pragmatic question. A couple in their twenties, sitting down with you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014one of them would say, \u201cYou know, if it was up to me, sex as a daily activity would be\u2014that would be something I would enjoy.\u201d\u00a0 The other one would say, \u201cIf it was up to me, every three weeks or so, I am interested; but the rest of the time I am not.\u201d\u00a0 How does that couple every get on the same page?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, we have to begin the process of saying: \u201cSex daily\u2014maybe, for some unique moments in a vacation life\u2014that\u2019s not only realistic \/ that\u2019s probably really possible. But on a daily basis, through a whole year, I don\u2019t think the complexities of living in a fallen world allow that kind of time. But every three weeks\u201d\u2014again, I\u2019m not talking about statistical norms; but I am suggesting that indicates a lack of desire \/ \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\ta lack of your body knowing pleasure and the lack of your own sense of joy in giving pleasure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Norms are not the issue\u2014it\u2019s, \u201cDon\u2019t judge yourself in comparison,\u201d\u2014but also, know we\u2019ve got a book that\u2019s telling us something of what God intends. None of us may achieve all the kind of arousal that we see in the book of Song of Solomon; but at least, we have to have a category to be able to say: \u201cLet\u2019s not settle. Let\u2019s not just learn to live. Let\u2019s not just assume we\u2019ll live this way for the rest of our lives.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And if a couple, sitting with you\u2014a couple in their twenties\u2014and they say, \u201cYou know, it\u2019s once every four months for us; but we\u2019re both okay with that\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, God loves sex; and you apparently don\u2019t. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m going to switch the subject and just ask you a couple of point-blank questions: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhat is it that you think men don\u2019t really get about women when it comes to sex?\u201d And I want to know the answer to the question of: \u201cWhat is it that women don\u2019t get when it comes to men about sex?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I think many men do not get that their wife really does want sex\u2014even when they seem to be reluctant \/ even when they are saying, \u201cNo.\u201d There is something in their heart, mind, and body that wants, not only the pleasure, but the joy of union. Part of the task of a man isn\u2019t to figure it out so she changes but to, at least, begin with that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou deal with the log in your own eye. You have no idea what will come to your marriage if you are willing to deal with the fact that, maybe, she has a history of past abuse; but you have brought some heartache into her life that, if you have the courage to begin to address, you will find your wife much more free than you ever would have imagined. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, invite her into a relationship, which is what she really wants. She wants the union\u2014physical, emotional, spiritual. That may mean praying together. That may mean conversations and taking a walk together; but look at the relationship, wholistically\u2014right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Amen. What a woman doesn\u2019t get is that every man is afraid, sexually. Every man is afraid of not being adequate enough, competent enough, satisfying enough\u2014and that, somehow, is going to be found out\u2014that he is not really as good a lover\/competent as he would like to presume. And that fear\u2014can you see the interplay?\u00a0 Women are far more sexual than what we have presumed. Men are far more afraid than we have ever been allowed to name. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>When that begins to be something, in a marriage, that we are allowed to talk about \/ I\u2019m allowed to say to my wife: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI fear\u201d\u2014even after 39 years almost of marriage\u2014\u201cthat I\u2019m not all that you want \/ that I\u2019m not as desirable as you want,\u201d\u2014our own fears, our own insecurities, our own past struggles\u2014they are as much there in our sexuality than any other area of our life. Put me in front of a mike\u2014I\u2019m quite competent. Put me in front of my wife, sexually, and I still have a little bit of that question of: \u201cAm I really enough?\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And it seems to both\u2014conversation, communication, honesty, not blaming \/\u00a0 not shaming the other person, but inviting\u2014that\u2019s something I\u2019ve learned from you, Dan\u2014is really what the Scriptures teach\u2014is that God invites a relationship with us. We should look at our relationship as an invitation to delight in one another. Enjoy museums\u2014Barbara has taught me how to enjoy museums\u2014think about that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFlower gardens\u2014I mean, \u201cGive me an ever-loving break,\u201d\u2014I never thought, in my <em>wildest<\/em> imagination\u2014\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And you\u2019ve taught her how to love fishing and hunting; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I have not. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Wait a minute!\u00a0 I have gone fly-fishing with both you and your wife. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You have\u2014that was the last time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>And let me tell you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That was a long time ago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>And let me tell you\u2014her form was a lot better than yours. [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It was. It was. I agree. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, Dan Allender, I think you\u2019ve done a great job on this book. There is much more in here that we\u2019ve not been able to talk about. Your book is <em>God Loves Sex. <\/em>I just appreciate you, and your writing, and your wisdom and insight, and your friendship. Thanks for being on the broadcast. I want you to come back when you\u2019ve finished your, not revision, but your rewrite of <em>The Wounded Heart<\/em>; and let\u2019s do some more radio talking about this issue of sexual abuse. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I would love that\u2014as long as I get to go fishing with you and Barbara. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. Bring Becky, and it\u2019s a deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We\u2019ve got copies of the book, <em>God Loves Sex<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. I noticed, by the way, that you didn\u2019t say, \u201cI\u2019m going to have to check with Barbara on that first.\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019d like to be there when you say, \u201cHey, honey, we\u2019re going fishing with the Allenders\u2014you and me.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, the book is called <em>God Loves Sex<\/em>. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cGO DEEPER,\u201d and look for information about the book from Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. Or you can call to request the book. Our toll-free number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. So, again, online, FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014that\u2019s the website\u2014or call 1-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, when you stop and think about just how vital it is in any culture that husbands and wives love one another \/ are committed to one another, that they stay together, they support one another, that they build strong families\u2014we believe that the relationship between a husband and a wife is the fundamental building block of all human society \/ all human civilizations. It\u2019s the very first social institution created by God in Genesis, Chapter 2. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd that\u2019s the reason why we address this issue so regularly, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019re committed to providing practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and for your family, day in and day out, on this radio program, on our website, through our resources, and our events. That\u2019s what <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is all about. And we\u2019re grateful to those of you who support our efforts, from time to time, or to those of you who are regular Legacy Partners, supporting this ministry with a monthly contribution. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, when you make a donation in support of the ministry, we\u2019d like to send you, as a thank-you gift, a 2016 calendar that\u2019s designed to encourage you to be praying together regularly, as a family, in the new year. In fact, this is a calendar that starts with October of 2015. So, you can put it up as soon as you receive it. Again, it\u2019s our thank-you gift when you make a contribution in support of this ministry. You can do that by going to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper right-hand corner of the screen that says, \u201cI Care,\u201d and make an online donation; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. Make a donation over the phone. Or you can mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. Our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd with that, we\u2019re going to wrap things up for this week. Thanks for being with us. Hope you have a great weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHope you and your family are able to worship together in church this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday. We\u2019re going to talk about marriages where the dark cloud of abuse has become a factor in that marriage. Justin Holcomb is going to join us, and we\u2019ll explore that next week. In fact, you may know someone who needs to listen in. Encourage them to join us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2015 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303666","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303666"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303666"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303666"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303666"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303666"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303666"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303666"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}