{"id":303327,"date":"2014-12-29T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-12-29T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/advice-from-a-former-enabler\/"},"modified":"2025-05-16T12:11:23","modified_gmt":"2025-05-16T16:11:23","slug":"advice-from-a-former-enabler","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/advice-from-a-former-enabler\/","title":{"rendered":"Advice From a Former Enabler"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kay Wills Wyma, tells how she implemented an unusual experiment designed to teach her kids to be helpers, rather than the helped, one household chore at a time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Kay Wills Wyma, tells how she implemented an unusual experiment designed to teach her kids to be helpers, rather than the helped, one household chore at a time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-12-29.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.81M","filesize_raw":"23916929","date_recorded":"2014-12-29 12:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850],"tags":[5224,5576,5575,5577,5578],"podcast_series":[7896],"cwp_profile":[9785],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303327","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","tag-chores","tag-creating-true-self-esteem","tag-curing-entitlement-in-children","tag-independence","tag-sense-of-accomplishment","podcast_series-cleaning-house","cwp_profile-kay-wyma","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303327\/advice-from-a-former-enabler","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303327\/advice-from-a-former-enabler","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"UG379YKxRP\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/advice-from-a-former-enabler\/\">Advice From a Former Enabler<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/advice-from-a-former-enabler\/embed\/#?secret=UG379YKxRP\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Advice From a Former Enabler&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"UG379YKxRP\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Kay Wills Wyma, tells how she implemented an unusual experiment designed to teach her kids to be helpers, rather than the helped, one household chore at a time.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-12-29.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Kay Wyma remembers when taking her child grocery shopping was a chore until she decided to make her eight-year-old responsible for all of the aspects of the family\u2019s evening meal.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>By the time we walked out of that grocery store, he was taking all of his stuff\u2014that he had purchased to cook our meal that night\u2014<em>he<\/em> was putting it on the conveyer belt, not me. <em>He<\/em> wanted to pay for it, not me. When we got to the car, guess who loaded the car?\u00a0 <em>That kid did!<\/em>\u00a0 That kid had <em>never<\/em> loaded the car before. He had set the table and done everything, and he sat there so proud of himself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Monday, December 29<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Today, Kay Wyma joins us to tell us how she moved her children from having a mindset of entitlement around their home to becoming contributors. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Dennis?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Bob, I <em>love<\/em> getting emails like this\u2014this is really a cool one. The lady writes: \u201cI am writing to thank you for <em>Passport2Purity<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. I am 23 years old and completed the <em>Passport2Purity<\/em> program with my mom ten years ago.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter] I had to laugh about that\u2014because, \u201cShe completed it recently, at 23?\u201d because it\u2019s for 10- to 12-year olds.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>She goes on to say, \u201cI still have the workbook and look back through it, periodically, in order to remind myself of the commitments I made.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>At 23, she\u2019s still reviewing the material?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Isn\u2019t that interesting?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s great.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>She said, \u201cPraise God that, at 23 years old, I am still sticking to them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cGod bless your ministry for encouraging people, young and old, to live in a way that honors Jesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Isn\u2019t that cool?<\/p>\n<p><strong>2:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That made my day!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, I bet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s why we do what we do, here on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, to equip singles, young people, moms\/dads, husbands and wives, grandparents to apply the best blueprints for living in their lives.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and who are we going to try to equip today?\u00a0 What\u2019s our target for today?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Moms and dads who are tired of messy cars, messy rooms, and undone chores.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Really?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We have the world\u2019s expert\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>You got the cure on this one?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014at knowing how to fix you and your children with us. [Laughter] Kay Wyma joins us on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Kay, you are all of those things; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>I\u2019m looking around the room to find that expert. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, Kay is a former worker at the White House\u2014we\u2019ll not tell you what administration. If you want to look that up, you can Google her. She is married to Jon. She is a mother of five. Together, they all live in the Dallas\/Ft. Worth area.<\/p>\n<p>She has written a book\u2014you\u2019re going to love the title to this book.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I happen to like it. It\u2019s called <em>Cleaning House: A Mom\u2019s Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement<\/em>. This sounds like a stump speech.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Well, we left off the last part of <em>One Eye Roll at a Time<\/em>. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes, exactly. You begin the book by talking about\u2014and I can almost tell you the spot in the road where this likely occurred\u2014probably somewhere in University Park\/Highland Park, driving down Preston Road in Dallas, Texas. You look to your right, and you look to your left\u2014cars in front of you. Anyway, tell our listeners what happened with, I believe, it was your son; wasn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>It was my son. It was really he that was looking around, noticing the lovely vehicles that were next to us\u2014that we were sandwiched in between. The sad thing is\u2014he mused, aloud, that he, in fact, would look lovely in that Porsche that was driving in front of us\u2014that he would, supposedly, drive when he was 16.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>How old was he at the time?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>He was 14.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, he had his eyes open for what he wanted to be driving.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>I think he was just sitting there, thinking, \u201cWhat am I going to drive?\u201d\u00a0 At the core of all of that, really, was\u2014a kid, looking around, going, \u201cHow can I fit in?\u201d because that Porsche probably defined and solidified his social standing if he actually could drive something like that.<\/p>\n<p>As I heard these words, it irritated me to no end because I sat there, thinking\u2014first of all, \u201cWhat planet do you live on that you think you are going to drive a car like that at 16?\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014which he looks at me \/expecting me\u2014that we would <em>provide<\/em> that for him. Then I wondered: \u201cWhere have all of my lectures gone \/ all my soliloquies about serving others and that things don\u2019t make your life\u2014that it\u2019s really living your life well?\u201d\u00a0 I realized that he probably hadn\u2019t heard any of that!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have to tell you a car story, here, real quick because, when our daughter, Amy, turned 16, I was able to get a used Camry that was about ten years old.<\/p>\n<p><strong>5:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>She drove that to high school\u2014I mean, it didn\u2019t become <em>her<\/em> car. It was just\u2014it helped us out for her to have that transportation\u2014got it cheap. It had an oil leak\u2014that was okay. We just put stuff in the driveway to soak up the oil [Laughter] because we weren\u2019t going to get it fixed. But I remember her sister, Katie, looking at the car\u2014and Katie was three years younger\u2014and saying, \u201cI will <em>never<\/em> drive a car like that when I turn 16.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Oh, that\u2019s dangerous.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, those were fighting words, right there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>I remember saying to Katie: \u201cWell, you don\u2019t have to. It will be the one that will be available to you when you turn 16, but you don\u2019t have to drive it if it\u2019s beneath you.\u201d\u00a0 The funny part of that is\u2014Katie did drive it. When she graduated from high school and went off to college, we sold that car. She was so sad that we had sold the car that she had come to love\u2014the old beat-up Camry that was now 15 years old\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>6:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014but it had a soft spot in her heart by the time she got done driving it. So, I know some of that entitlement mentality that says, \u201cThis\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cThis is not my identity\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cI can\u2019t really get into this.\u201d\u00a0 The whole incident and encounter with your son kind of sent you off into a bit of analysis about\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>It did.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014yourself, as a parent?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>A little bit. I called my sister-in-law because I was driving the kids to school. I dropped the kids off. I called her and I said, \u201cThis isn\u2019t good.\u201d She went on to tell me that her oldest was responsible for taking out the trash that week. She, too, was finding herself frustrated because, that morning, he had to climb over the load of trash that he had piled at the back door because that constituted taking out the trash to him\u2014if he just put it at the back door, which he literally crawled over because she didn\u2019t take it out that whole week. So, we both sat there going, \u201cSomething\u2019s wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I go home, and I open the door. There are all the dishes, just exactly where they laid them from breakfast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>7:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I go upstairs. There are clothes everywhere. The beds are unmade. I sat on the couch and thought, \u201cMy kids are looking to me like I\u2019m the state, and I\u2019m there to serve them.\u201d I don\u2019t believe in that\u2014I\u2019m a capitalist. [Laughter] So, it really, really irritated me that I was <em>grooming<\/em> a group of kids that were looking for others to serve them instead of handling their own stuff.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You felt like you were failing, as a parent, at equipping your children with life skills that they were going to practice?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>I don\u2019t even know if I could even go that far\u2014I was just a mad mother. I was frustrated!\u00a0 Really, I was just frustrated. I\u2019m not\u2014I never really thought I was a mother that enabled. I\u2019ve always been the mom that goes into the teacher, at the very beginning of school, and says, \u201cBy the way, my kids do their own homework,\u201d because you have to tell your teachers that now because most of the parents are checking all the homework. I want the teachers to know that the grades that my kids get\u2014they are their grades. If they need help, they can come ask us, but I\u2019m not going to look at it for them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>8:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>So, I kind of\u2014I might have prided myself a little bit on that thinking\u2014that \u201cI\u2019m not stepping in and saving my kids,\u201d\u2014until I opened my eyes, and looked around me, and realized that, in fact, <em>I am<\/em> doing that just in everyday life by not letting them participate in our life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Kay, I want to ask you\u2014what the entitlement generation\u2014what it\u2019s saying about us, as parents, because there is really something taking place in us\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014that really is screaming\u2014I think, that needs to be addressed\u2014just about a check in our own soul about who we are\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and what we\u2019re producing in our children.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>I think that\u2019s a great question, too\u2014the going to the \u201cWhy?\u201d\u00a0 Why do we do it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right; right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Probably, some parents are living their lives through their kids, wanting to be the one that has their kid that\u2019s the best on the football team, so that they\u2019ll be in whatever college they\u2019ve decided that their child needs to go to. So, there\u2019s that going on.<\/p>\n<p>I think a lot of it is fear. Parents are afraid that their kids might fail.<\/p>\n<p><strong>9:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I talked to a mom, not long ago, who\u2014once we started talking about this issue, she said to me, \u201cI think I do this to my kids.\u201d\u00a0 I was like, \u201cReally?\u2014how?\u201d\u00a0 She said: \u201cI have a ten-year-old and a seven-year-old\u2014that last night, I took a cup of water and the toothbrush with toothpaste on it, while they were in bed, and helped them brush their teeth.\u201d I was like, \u201cOh, my word!\u00a0 You must stop!\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 But she was concerned that, if she didn\u2019t do that, they wouldn\u2019t be brushing their teeth properly\u2014a ten-year-old and a seven-year-old.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>As I was reading your book, I was thinking, for me\u2014and I would have to say that children really do help us recalibrate certain issues in our lives. For me, I think I was doing certain things in the name of love; and it\u2019s a distortion of what love is to provide everything for a child. Somehow, I equated that doing homework\u2014like you prided yourself in saying, \u201cWe\u2019re not going to do that for our kids,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>10:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014sometimes, I felt like I was the one who got the science grade on the science project that we were up until\u2014who knows what time on Sunday night, finishing\u2014so our child could turn it in!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s a great point too. The projects\u2014they\u2019re out of control. I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve looked lately at a fourth-grade classroom and the projects that are being turned in by the kids, but they are unbelievable!\u00a0 They could be in the hobby shop, up the street, because they\u2019re terrific. They usually have a water feature or electrical things going on. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>This is the interesting part\u2014so, you do have to laugh at it, but even\u2014again, as one that really my eyes have been open to this and I try to keep my hands off\u2014one day, one of the girls came up to me with a paper that was due the next day. There was <em>so much<\/em> going on with five kids\u2014I didn\u2019t have time to sit and watch her peck on the keyboard because she\u2019s learning how to type. I was like: \u201cJust get out of the way!\u00a0 I\u2019ll do it for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I sat down, I started typing; and, then came all these creative ideas. Low and behold, her paper was done.<\/p>\n<p><strong>11:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>She brought it back the next week with a 97 on it\u2014and firework red marks over that 97. That was a really terrible realization. She sat there and I sat there, knowing whose 97 that was.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>What we\u2019re talking about here is: \u201cWhat are we trying to produce in our children?\u201d\u00a0 As I was reading your book\u2014Philippians, Chapter 2, just kept echoing in my mind. It says, \u201cLet each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.\u201d\u00a0 This is the stuff that marriages are made of \/ that families are made of and that we, as parents, must implant in our children\u2019s hearts.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, I guess the question is: \u201cHow do you get from: \u2018Who is going to do my homework?\u2019 \u2018Who is going to clean my room?\u2019 \u2018When do I get my Porsche?\u2019\u2014which is kind of the block we\u2019ve been around here\u2014to where you have been trying to take your family?\u201d\u00a0 You went on a 12-month experiment with your kids; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>We did.<\/p>\n<p><strong>12:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And just even as we\u2019re talking about this\u2014I think, \u201cIt\u2019s just\u2014it\u2019s almost an insurmountable problem.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s countercultural\u2014not to stand up and help your kids or not to have your kids overscheduled these days. So, you really do have to slow down and think, \u201cWhat\u2019s on the other side of this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You can look on the news today, too, and see that\u2014I think Pew Research came out with a study saying that a rather large percentage of people, after they get out of college or even just in their young adulthood, are moving back home. You wonder, \u201cAre my kids moving back home because the economy is bad, or are my kids moving back home because they do not know how to live?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As a mother, do I really want that on the other side?\u00a0 Is that really what my job is?\u00a0 You used two words a minute ago, and one was \u201ctrain.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s a big part of what parenting is\u2014it\u2019s training your kids. Well, if I am going to teach my kid how to drive\u2014if I go out and do the classes and do all the driving hours for them\u2014I probably wouldn\u2019t want to meet that child on the road when they\u2019re actually in a car, driving.<\/p>\n<p><strong>13:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I would much prefer to meet somebody that has had experience driving. It\u2019s the same thing with just life.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a little laughable to think: \u201cOh, chores\u2014that\u2019s just so ridiculous. That sounds like a 1950\u2019s word.\u201d\u00a0 It really is everything that\u2019s going on in your home for it to work well together. You know what?\u00a0 Food is involved in that. A kitchen is involved in that. Trashcans are involved in that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>To that point, you said, when you started out your marriage, you went to the grocery store. You stood and looked down the aisle, as a newlywed wife, knowing you needed to feed the man in your life\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014or he\u2019d starve to death. [Laughter]\u00a0 You didn\u2019t know what <em>you <\/em>were doing, at that point.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>I had no clue at all. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Had you cooked meals before?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>No, I had not\u2014I really hadn\u2019t!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Never cooked a meal?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know what I did. I was 30 years old. I\u2019m embarrassed, and let\u2019s just go ahead to the fact that I had never cleaned a bathroom in my life. I love you, Mom. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>14:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So, some of this entitlement is being passed on\u2014second and third generations\u2014is what you\u2019re talking about.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Absolutely; that\u2019s what is so interesting\u2014not to blame or do anything like that\u2014because that\u2019s what\u2019s so interesting. It really probably started in the early 1900s with Kierkegaard and the Existential Movement that kind of made: \u201cEverything around the world revolves around me.\u201d\u00a0 You moved into Dr. Spock, who in 1946, wrote a book that became the bible for parenting. What he promoted was a child-centric type of parenting so that your child\u2019s self-esteem was guarded\u2014whatever that means.<\/p>\n<p>So, you have a generation that\u2019s been cooking \/ sort of marinating in that ideology to begin with. Then, you throw in the 1960s and the 70s, where it really was this free-for-all: \u201cAnything I want to do is going to be good. Anything that makes me <em>feel good<\/em> is the way to do it,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s who is parenting these kids. You throw in uber-parenting \/ competitive stuff and, for sure, you have them racing in, and saving, and doing all these things because their kids\u2019 self-esteem depends on it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>15:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s at the core of that?\u2014a lot of loving parents who just\u2014we\u2019ve been sold a bill of goods, so to speak, because that is <em>never<\/em> going to build up a child\u2019s self-esteem. Us going in and doing it for them does the exact opposite. That\u2019s when the seriousness of this really hit me, as I sat with my eight-year-old, who had clearly never been to the grocery to actually shop because he freaked out the minute that I said, \u201cThis is what we\u2019re going to do.\u201d; but it didn\u2019t take long\u2014that\u2019s the beauty of the whole thing.<\/p>\n<p>As soon as I started showing him the grocery store\u2014that there are different kinds of butter and why there are different kinds of butter\u2014it became a game to him. Then, he started to own it. By the time we walked out of that grocery store, he was taking all of his stuff\u2014that he had purchased to cook our meal that night\u2014<em>he<\/em> was putting it on the conveyer belt, not me. <em>He<\/em> wanted to pay for it, not me. When we got to the car, guess who loaded the car?\u00a0 <em>That kid did<\/em>!\u00a0 That kid had never loaded the car before.<\/p>\n<p><strong>16:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He became a part of the process. When he sat there, at that meal that night\u2014and let\u2019s just admit\u2014he\u2019s an eight-year-old, so it wasn\u2019t anything special\u2014but he had combined every ingredient. He had set the table and did everything. He sat there, so proud of himself. He had done something he never thought he could do. He didn\u2019t know <em>anybody<\/em> who does that. It gave him confidence that I couldn\u2019t believe was even available in our house. It moved me to the core.<\/p>\n<p>I sat there, wondering, \u201cWhat else am I stepping in and doing\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cthat I\u2019m taking away this gift from them?\u2014that really will help them figure out who they are?\u201d\u00a0 So, when they get out of my house, they are going to look at mountains, not as obstacles, but as opportunities. <em>That\u2019s<\/em> what we want, coming out of our house. You throw in these technologically-savvy kids, and they\u2019re equipped. Right there\u2014that\u2019s exciting because you could literally have the cure to cancer or anything else because they\u2019re terrific, amazing kids if they are allowed to do what they were created to do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>17:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>One of your big \u201cAha\u2019s\u201d that you came to the conclusion on\u2014was that we\u2019re shorting our kids in terms of their potential\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>You bet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and realizing we need to raise the bar, not in terms of higher grades,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>No.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014but in terms of: \u201cYou maximizing your gifts\u2014who you are\u2014and succeeding in life.\u201d\u00a0 We do that cleaning up after them \/ we do that by picking up after them and training them that it\u2019s all about them and it\u2019s not about somebody else, looking out for their brother or sister, or for the rest of the family, where they can serve a meal like your son did.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Kay: <\/strong>Right. The word, training, is so important because we are <em>training <\/em>them to look for someone that they will have to pay on the other side\u2014whether it\u2019s mowing the lawn, or doing the laundry, or doing the dishes. Is that really the right thing?\u2014because you know what?\u2014they may not be able to afford that. So, the training part is <em>key<\/em> and critical to the entire process.<\/p>\n<p><strong>18:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The exciting part is watching the light start to go off in their eyes.<\/p>\n<p>Now, we\u2019re real\u2014so, there\u2019s still whining. I had one, the other night\u2014that it was his turn to do the dishes. What was the first thing he said?\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s not my turn.\u201d\u00a0 Then, he was like, \u201cWell, what about her?\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014because they are regular kids. But, as soon as he stepped up and did the dishes\u2014what happened, at the end of that, is what happens nine out of ten times\u2014he was looking for something else to do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, I know from having been on the other side of the project\u2014where you are right now\u2014that there is a time when you can step back. You can look and say: \u201cYou know what? We didn\u2019t do it all. We didn\u2019t do it perfectly, but we raised our sons and daughters to begin to assume responsibility for their lives and for the lives of others.\u201d So, when they become an adult, they weren\u2019t boomerangs, who took a swing across the country and then landed back home for Mom and Dad to take care of them, as a 20-something or a 30-something\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>19:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014but instead, began to establish their own homes\/their own apartments, and began to assume responsibility for their lives, and to begin to walk with God and Jesus Christ and trust Him, day in and day out\u2014which back to the word, training\u2014is what we trained them or attempted to train them to do.<\/p>\n<p>Now, I know that\u2019s what you\u2019re about; and what you\u2019re talking about here in this book, <em>Cleaning House<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s interesting because, when we produced our <em>Stepping Up<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> video series for men, there was a conversation that I had with Pastor Matt Chandler in Dallas about the need for young men to learn to bear weight. A part of boys becoming men is that they need to learn how to assume responsibility and bear the weight of responsibility\u2014appropriate levels of responsibility, based on their age\u2014and that needs to happen throughout their lives. That\u2019s really what you are trying to do with your kids at home\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>20:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014your sons and your daughters\u2014to help them learn how to bear the weight of the responsibility they\u2019re going to need to shoulder as they go through life, as adults.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, we\u2019ve got copies of your book, <em>Cleaning House<\/em>, in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. I\u2019d encourage our listeners to go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. You can order a copy of Kay\u2019s book, <em>Cleaning House<\/em>. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com. When you get to the website, click the button in the upper left-hand corner that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019ll take you right to where you need to go so you can order a copy of <em>Cleaning House<\/em> online. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329. That\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then, the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\u00a0 Ask for a copy of the book, <em>Cleaning House<\/em>, when you get in touch with us.<\/p>\n<p>Now, of course, this is the last week of the year. I don\u2019t know\u2014have you had the chance to see how things are going with the matching gift?<\/p>\n<p><strong>21:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>We are still short of taking full advantage of the match that\u2019s in place, here at yearend. Here is what I want our listeners to know\u2014in 22 years of broadcasting, FamilyLife has aired 260 broadcasts a year, roughly, because I know there are some guys out\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>With some leap years in there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014there going, \u201cThere is the leap year deal.\u201d\u00a0 But in 22 years, that\u2019s over 5,500 broadcasts; and we\u2019ve paid our bills. We\u2019re current, but we need <em>you <\/em>to stand with us now. And I need <em>you<\/em> to know that I\u2019m not asking you to do something that both Barbara and I haven\u2019t done\u2014but also Bob and Mary Ann\u2014we\u2019re donors to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. And I also want you to know that Barbara and I don\u2019t take any royalties from any of our books, for speaking at our conferences, or any of the resources we\u2019ve created\u2014like <em>Passport2Purity<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\/Ever Thine Home<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014it\u2019s zero. We give it all to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> to keep this broadcast on the air and to keep creating resources that are going to help you in your marriage and your family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>22:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>In fact, you raise your own support. You\u2019ve got a support team of folks who make your paycheck possible so that you can work here; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. In fact, Bob, it was interesting. I was speaking at <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup> in Washington, DC. I made this statement\u2014because I think there is some cynicism out there about Christian leaders\u2014and I told them that I didn\u2019t take royalties from my books, and we donated the money back to FamilyLife.<\/p>\n<p>A guy came up to me after it was over. He said: \u201cI just want you to know that I was sitting out there, with my arms folded\/cynical\u2014that you were asking us to donate to your ministry, looking at this vast arena with a lot of people in it. I thought: \u2018He\u2019s getting rich off of this.\u2019 And you said that you donated all your royalties\u2014you didn\u2019t take anything for speaking \/ you didn\u2019t make anything off the event: \u2018Whatever proceeds are left\u2014if there are any left over, after expenses, go to the ministry to help move it forward and create more resources.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>23:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He said, \u201cBecause of that, I\u2019m making a donation to your ministry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, I say to you, as a listener, here at the end of the year, if you haven\u2019t given yet\u2014or if you have given and have the opportunity to give again\u2014it\u2019s time because we have not taken full advantage, and we need every dime\/every dollar that you give to keep this ministry on the air at a needy time in our country\u2019s history.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, again, every dime becomes two dimes \/ every dollar becomes two dollars because of the matching gift that is available. You can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, to make an online donation, here at yearend. Click in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cI Care,\u201d and make your contribution online; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. You can make a donation over the phone. And there is still time to mail a donation to us. As long as it\u2019s postmarked before Wednesday, it\u2019s still eligible for a 2014 tax deduction.<\/p>\n<p><strong>24:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Mail your donation to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.<\/p>\n<p>And I hope you can join us back tomorrow. We\u2019re going to continue talking about how we teach our children to assume responsibility around the house. We\u2019re going to talk about how this is really an exercise in teaching them how to love other people. Kay Wyma joins us back tomorrow. Hope you can be here as well.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas.<\/p>\n<p>Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303327","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303327"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303327"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303327"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303327"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303327"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303327"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303327"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}