{"id":303255,"date":"2014-10-31T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-10-31T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/seeking-the-high-cs\/"},"modified":"2014-10-31T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-10-31T15:00:00","slug":"seeking-the-high-cs","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeking-the-high-cs\/","title":{"rendered":"Seeking the High C&#8217;s"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dan Chun reminisces about his own failed marriage, and tells how he approached love and marriage differently the second time around.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-10-31.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"26.75M","filesize_raw":"28045252","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2817],"tags":[5491,5492,5489,4018,5490,5485,5487,5488,2926,5486],"podcast_series":[8043],"cwp_profile":[9364],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303255","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-choosing-a-spouse","tag-am-i-ready-to-get-married","tag-before-you-get-engaged","tag-boyfriend","tag-dating","tag-girlfriend","tag-infatuation","tag-objective","tag-objectively","tag-singles","tag-weird-stage","podcast_series-how-to-pick-a-spouse","cwp_profile-dan-chun","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303255\/seeking-the-high-cs","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303255\/seeking-the-high-cs","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"PtRpLMgJ8f\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeking-the-high-cs\/\">Seeking the High C&#8217;s<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/seeking-the-high-cs\/embed\/#?secret=PtRpLMgJ8f\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Seeking the High C&#8217;s&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"PtRpLMgJ8f\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-10-31.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-10-31.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A lot of people, when they\u2019re dating, find themselves praying, \u201cLord, is it Your will that I should marry this person?\u201d Dan Chun says they ought to be asking about God\u2019s will in other aspects of their relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Oftentimes, we say, \u201cWhat\u2019s the will of God?\u201d Well, right there it says, \u201cFor this is the will of God your sanctification, that you abstain from fornication,\u201d which means sex outside of marriage. So what happens is\u2014sex blinds us and binds us. It blinds us to the person\u2019s faults; and it binds us, emotionally and physically, way too early, before there\u2019s any commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, October 31<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We have some principles for you on how to pick a spouse\u2014some do\u2019s and don\u2019ts today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Did you notice the guest has a Mickey Mouse watch on? Did you notice that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know\u2014I didn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wearing a Mickey Mouse watch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was admiring his golf shirt, which is a prestigious golf club in Hawaii.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A beautiful golf club that your church just bought; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Our church bought it about eight years ago. It\u2019s a wonderful 242-acre golf course, and the clubhouse is three acres under roof.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have to talk to my pastor about how we go do that\u2014how we go find that golf club. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How we play church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. You are welcome to come\u2014Ko\u2019olau Golf Club. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. That\u2019s Dan Chun, who is with us from Honolulu. He has been a pastor for 35 years. He and his wife Pam have three adult children, and he has a lot of experience in working with singles around the issue of selecting a mate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt really is a result of, I think, what God did in your own life. You kind of used a personal wound of something that took place in your life to ultimately bring help and hope to others. Explain what happened to our listeners and how you and Pam got together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, Henri Nouwen talks about being wounded healers, and I\u2019m certainly a wounded healer. Many, many years ago, before seminary, I went through an unwanted divorce. Out of that, I learned of God\u2019s grace \/ went to seminary. I basically said to God, \u201cIf the Word is true, it has to be true for me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLo and behold, I ended up at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church\u2014ran a singles ministry that really grew rapidly. They trusted me because they knew I had gone through their pain. Whether they were never married, or divorced, or widowed, they knew the pain of break-up and loss. Out of that matrix came this book and some principles to really help people in their separations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The book is called <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>: <em>A Proven, Practical Guide to Finding a Lifelong Partner<\/em>. Five years after your first wife left you, and the unwanted divorce, you married again; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. By God\u2019s grace, I married Pam. We\u2019ve been married for more than the 32 years\u2014it\u2019s going to be our 33<sup>rd<\/sup> this year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was different the second time around in the dating, and the getting to know one another, and thinking about marriage process than had been true in the first marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I think the second time\u2014I was a lot more picky. I was a lot more aware of some of the building blocks that need to be there. And Pam\u2019s faith was very fervent, and very real, and very personal. As it proved over the years, she was willing to be a teammate in ministry and was entrepreneurial and a visionary in creating ministries that would help people in a deep way\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014so whether working with me, as a pastor, or in our para-church organization, Hawaiian Island Ministries, she was there, every step of the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And so, she was there at Menlo Park as you were building this ministry to single people?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. Yes, she was\u2014she was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How big of a risk was it for you to venture out and ask her to marry you? I mean, I\u2019ve heard from divorced people that the wound goes deep, and the rejection is life-altering.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Sure. I think it was a risk\u2014well, mathematically, it\u2019s a risk because those in the second marriage\u2014it\u2019s a little higher divorce rate\u2014but also you had to overcome some past hurts and not fall into insecurity or trying to prove that somebody really loves you. But Pam was just so gracious, and so loving, and so forgiving that it was actually relatively easy to move into the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So there weren\u2019t a lot of fears that you brought into that new relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I think, after five years, you really work on the luggage\u2014what I call the luggage. If you don\u2019t know what went wrong in the first marriage, you\u2019re going to bring that luggage into the second marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; let\u2019s talk about that for a moment. How long would you advise someone, who\u2019s been divorced, to wait before considering engaging again\u2014if they are free to remarry?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, this is anecdotal and not statistical. For me, it was five years. I would say\u2014for other people, I would say, at least, three years because you just need enough to know who you are \/ what makes you tick\u2014\u201cWhat are your weaknesses? What are your failings?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause\u2014in a real way, whether you\u2019ve been married before or not\u2014when people say, \u201cHere\u2019s what I want in a guy:\u201d or, \u201cHere\u2019s what I want in a girl: I want her to be spiritual, a prayer warrior, someone who loves worship, someone who\u2019s evangelistic, someone who has a heart for children.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI oftentimes say to the guy: \u201cOkay, let\u2019s step back a bit. So\u2014do you say you\u2019re spiritual? Are you into prayer?\u201d \u201cWell, no.\u201d \u201cAre you into witnessing to others?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d \u201cDo you like going to church?\u201d \u201cWell, if I have to.\u201d \u201cSo you\u2019re trying to marry somebody who you\u2019re not.\u201d Then I switch it and say, \u201cYou need to become the person you want to marry because you\u2019ll never find that person\u2014if that\u2019s what\u2019s important for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. Anytime you begin this conversation about preparing for marriage, you get into the issue of co-habitation because that is the preferred method of marriage preparation in the culture today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m guessing it may even be a little higher per capita in Honolulu than it is in other parts of the country. I\u2019m guessing that co-habitation just kind of happens over there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know that for a fact, but I would say that many people using a worldly logic\u2014not necessarily a Scriptural logic\u2014a worldly logic\u2014will say: \u201cWell, shouldn\u2019t you take the car for a test run? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cShouldn\u2019t you kick the tires? Shouldn\u2019t you find out what it\u2019s like?\u201d But <em>all<\/em> the statistics \/ <em>all<\/em> the research shows that, if you co-habitate, you have a higher chance of divorce, not a lower chance. You think, \u201cThat doesn\u2019t make sense!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, it makes sense\u2014one, because there\u2019s a Scriptural principle behind that\u2014but number two is because you can\u2019t practice commitment. They\u2019re practicing commitment \/ they\u2019re practicing to see what it\u2019s like to be with each other\u2014but either you are fully-committed or you\u2019re not. I think that\u2019s why there\u2019s a higher divorce rate for those who live with one another\u2014it\u2019s just a time bomb waiting for it not to work out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Dan, you know there are some young women who have met a guy\u2014they\u2019ve fallen in love and now they\u2019re afraid: \u201cIf I don\u2019t\u2014 maybe it\u2019s not move in\u2014but if we\u2019re not, at least, having sex in our relationship, I\u2019m going to lose this guy. It\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve had any guy have any interest me, and so I just feel like I have to do this to get him to the altar.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes, and that\u2019s probably the devil\u2019s lie for that\u2014it\u2019s just the wrong poison putting in there. And this whole myth of co-habitation\u2014I mean, whether you look at the binary part, or The National Marriage Project, or even the RAND Corporation has done research\u2014it all shows co-habitation has a higher divorce rate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, when speaking about co-habitation, Dan, you have to discuss, I think, even a bigger issue\u2014which is sex before marriage. At our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways, we used to have a session to prepare engaged people for the honeymoon night. It\u2019s really interesting\u2014that\u2019s really changed over the last, almost, four decades. It used to be we were preparing, not all as being virgins, but a number of them were really going in, inexperienced. But now, we have these couples\u2014well, some are coming, having co-habited\u2014but others are coming, having already had sex or been having sex for a number of months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cWe\u2019re trying to figure out how we\u2019re going to get childcare for the honeymoon,\u201d because\u2014they not only have had sex but they have one or two children\u2014and they still haven\u2019t gotten married. How do you counsel a young couple that comes and says, \u201cLook, I know we\u2019re not supposed to; but everybody does, and we just can\u2019t help ourselves\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I counsel them, \u201cPlease do not have sex before marriage.\u201d The reason for that\u2014and again, we\u2019re battling so-called \u201cworldly wisdom\u201d that: \u201cThis is the way you test out the relationship. This is one form of communication.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you can\u2019t get around God\u2019s principles. Only twice in all of the New Testament does it say, \u201cThis is the will of God.\u201d They\u2019re both from 1 Thessalonians\u2014one is 5:18\u2014it says: \u201cRejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances.\u201d But the other one says, \u201cThis is the will of God, your sanctification; that you abstain from fornication.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOftentimes, we say, \u201cWhat is the will of God?\u201d Well, right there, it says, \u201cAbstain from fornication,\u201d which means sex before marriage\u2014because what happens, when we have sex before marriage, it\u2019s really more like an escalator than an elevator\u2014you just get more and more physically involved. It\u2019s not like an elevator\u2014where you can go from the third floor down to the first floor and up to the eighth floor and get down to the second floor and be less involved. It gets more and more involved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens is\u2014sex blinds us and binds us. It blinds us to the person\u2019s faults because we\u2019re so much into the sexual communication we\u2019re not having those good conversations over dinner. It binds us, emotionally and physically, way too early before there\u2019s any commitment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is this hormone called oxytocin that is emitted during sex. That actually makes you more addicted to wanting to do sex over and over again. It\u2019s the same hormone that is emitted when a mother\u2019s nursing a child\u2014there\u2019s this bonding experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn sex, oxytocin and dopamine, but oxytocin especially, is emitted. It makes you want to have it more and more, and we have to be aware of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the reality today is\u2014if we decide to have sex before marriage, we put our bodies in peril with all the sexually-transmitted diseases. HPV has 79 million people in the USA with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Hold it\u2014you said how many people?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Seventy-nine million people in the USA have some form of HPV.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s 25 percent of the population.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. It\u2019s really, really, really huge. They claim there\u2019ll be 14 million more every new year, according to the CDC.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let me stop, too, before you move off of that. What do you advise young couples, who are getting married today, to do in terms of testing?\u2014because you have some people who are carriers of this virus, right here, who don\u2019t know it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, see, again, I had said, earlier, that if they take a lap around the track\u2014a year \/ winter and summer with each other\u2014in that year, they will see if the symptoms come up. They should get tested if there\u2019s a question of their spouse-to-be or their girlfriend\u2019s\/boyfriend\u2019s fidelity earlier than when they met.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. Someday, you\u2019re going to be raising kids; and you\u2019re going to be raising kids to, hopefully, abstain from sex. I want to tell you\u2014it\u2019s going to help you in raising your children if you have abstained as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I would want to add one thing for the listeners out there, who have realized they\u2019re in a relationship, right now, that is more physical than spiritual. I would say, \u201cThen start today as a new chapter, and live a new life.\u201d For those who have already had sex before marriage and you\u2019re saying, \u201cI wish I didn\u2019t do that,\u201d we all need to know the wonderful forgiveness of God\u2014His grace and His mercy\u2014and that we are completely forgiven. Today can be a new day\u2014a day of health, a day of spiritual direction, and a day of hope. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would hope people don\u2019t think: \u201cWell, I blew it. I can\u2019t turn around now.\u201d We\u2019ve all \u201cblown it\u201d; and through God\u2019s grace, we can turn around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Dan, you, in your book, <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>, you choose the letter in the alphabet\u2014 \u201cC.\u201d I love these because, interestingly, we pick employees, here at FamilyLife, around some of the same C\u2019s that you list in terms of picking a spouse. I want you to share those seven C\u2019s with our listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are these the high seas?\u2014is that what they are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s what everyone should sail on before they make their choice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No, these are the high seas to avoid the rough seas\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, there you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Oh, that\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014or hardships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Oh, wow!\u2014I\u2019ll use that in my next book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, let me say them really briefly. The seven C\u2019s are: \u201cThere\u2019s character,\u201d first\u2014that you really want to marry somebody of <em>tremendous<\/em> character. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have to test that out in a variety of ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So what\u2019s character?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Character would be that this person has the integrity to really know between right and wrong. When no one\u2019s looking, it really shines. I remember\u2014once, I said to my dad, when I was a young child, \u201cHey Dad, let\u2019s lie about my age; and we\u2019ll get a cheaper movie ticket.\u201d My dad said, \u201cNo, we\u2019re not going to do that because that\u2019s not the right thing.\u201d I <em>always<\/em> remember that\u2014here it is, you know, 50 years later, I remember this. That\u2019s the kind of character we want\u2014that whether people are watching or not\u2014they\u2019re doing what\u2019s the right thing, and they\u2019re thinking in the right way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You have to make sure you\u2019re marrying somebody you can rely on\u2014somebody you can trust \/ somebody who\u2019s going to be honest, dependable\u2014these kinds of character qualities. If they\u2019re absent and you\u2019re saying, \u201cBut I\u2019m still in love with her,\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019m still in love with him,\u201d well, you\u2019re going to have a lot of challenges in how you relate to another person who\u2019s undependable and doesn\u2019t tell you the truth; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I know somebody, right now\u2014this girl who\u2019s dating a guy who\u2019s been unfaithful with three other relationships\u2014unfaithful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so I think, \u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>\u201cWhere\u2019s the character of this man? He already has a track record that\u2019s going to be repeated again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Marriage is built on trust. The second one you say is \u201cchemistry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Chemistry\u2014I won\u2019t spend a lot of time on that one, but chemistry is basically\u2014there should be some physical attraction. I think, sometimes, even Christians can be so left-brained \/ so logical on it\u2014there\u2019s just no emotion there. And yes, the chemistry is second to more important things; but it\u2019s still second and not like number 1,002. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \u201cCompetency\u201d is your third.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Marry a guy or girl who is competent in the work force \/ competent in accomplishing tasks. You don\u2019t want to marry somebody who can\u2019t keep a job \/ who can\u2019t follow through on a project at home. They have to be competent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is a pretty practical skill you\u2019re talking about\u2014but somebody who doesn\u2019t have the ability to hang onto a job\u2014again, you\u2019re setting yourself up for a lot of challenges ahead; aren\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I\u2019m just amazed\u2014you\u2019re right\u2014I\u2019m just amazed how many women, for example, are dating guys and want to marry these guys who can\u2019t keep jobs or don\u2019t have a job. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>One thing else you mentioned in your book\u2014you\u2019re talking about competency concerning life skills\u2014just general skills around living that every man\/woman needs to have\u2014but we can\u2019t necessarily assume, going forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. There can be a grave assumption that they know how to balance a checkbook, even, and have savings. I mean, that\u2019s all important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This next one ought to be with a capital \u201cC\u201d\u2014Culture\u2014where they come from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Right. Culture\u2014and I use that broadly\u2014it could be ethnic culture, it could be a financial culture, it could be educational culture, and it could even be a religious culture. You just have to be very savvy in understanding the differences there are in, let\u2019s say, a multi-racial marriage. I\u2019m obviously not against that\u2014in Hawaii, we have it all the time\u2014but you just have to be aware of how an Eastern or Western background would be different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You tell a story in your book, Dan, about a couple who went on their first date. It was to some kind of\u2014not a music recital, but it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>It was a music recital. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. Share with them what happened because it\u2019s kind of funny.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>That was so funny! I think it was a violin recital. The woman comes from this east coast culture background. The guy is from Hawaii\u2014from a small town\u2014and kind of just a \u201cgood old Joe.\u201d During the concert, he starts humming with the musician up front. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And there are only 30 people there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. So, the girl\u2014now, they did get married in the end; and they have a great marriage\u2014but she had to be aware of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd another one\u2014a couple\u2014the guy visits the house, and he\u2019s from Hawaii. He comes down for breakfast with just shorts and no shirt on because that\u2019s what you do in Hawaii.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes\u2014flip-flops; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>But he\u2019s on the east coast. He shows up, and the father has a tie on and a dress shirt and slacks, at breakfast, at his home!\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014completely different! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, this next one is no laughing matter\u2014Commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>And that\u2019s a big one. A lot of guys, especially, have a stuttering problem\u2014they go, \u201cC-c-c-c-commitment.\u201d They can\u2019t say the word. If a person can\u2019t keep a commitment\u2014and you\u2019ve seen him break commitments quickly in jobs, or break up friendships quickly, or even other romantic relationships\u2014something\u2019s wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s because the foundation of every marriage is a life-long commitment. You are saying to one another, \u201cI do, till death do us part.\u201d If you have a problem with commitments, the commitment that\u2019s going to get tested throughout your life is your marriage commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I\u2019d just like to make a statement about prenuptials, at this point. There\u2019s only one prenuptial design\u2014that\u2019s till death do you part.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That is the agreement between you and your spouse. Any other kind of prenuptial agreement doesn\u2019t need to be signed because it, ultimately, can be used as an escape hatch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>You know, it\u2019s funny you should say that, Dennis, because one of my appendices in the back of the book\u2014I lay out my nine-page premarital information form that all couples have to sign. One question is, \u201cDo you have a prenuptial agreement?\u201d If any say, \u201cYes,\u201d I don\u2019t do the marriage \/ I don\u2019t do the wedding. Now, if it\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Good for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I just say: \u201cWait. Wait. If you build a back door, you\u2019re going to use it. If you\u2019re saying you\u2019re not sure if it\u2019s going to work out\u2014\u2018So I want to make sure she can\u2019t \/ or he can\u2019t have that,\u2019\u2014I just don\u2019t do the wedding.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You and I are in a hundred-percent agreement because I won\u2019t do them unless they do sign a prenuptial agreement that\u2019s a marriage covenant for a lifetime. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Amen\u2014but I\u2019m betting you and I are in the minority.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I would bet we are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have two more left. One is \u201cCommunication\u201d, and the last one, \u201cCore values.\u201d Explain what those are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, communication\u2014just very clearly: \u201cCan you identify your own feelings? Can you recognize the other person\u2019s feelings? Are you a good listener, or are you just a talker?\u201d Those things are <em>incredibly<\/em> important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then the building blocks, again\u2014in terms of faith, in terms of passion, about your purpose in life\u2014are you even close to those core values?\u2014or is one into money and one isn\u2019t?\u2014is one into doing missions and the other one could care less?\u2014does one have a heart for the saved or the unsaved, and the other one could care less? You need to have the right same core values. Of course, as a follower of Christ, I always say, \u201cIf Jesus Christ is your <em>best<\/em> friend, then you have to marry a Christian or else you\u2019re not sharing your best friend with your spouse-to-be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, in my opinion, Dan, your book is one of the best out there on how to pick a spouse because you\u2019re really tapping into more than three decades of ministry among singles\u2014you\u00a0 have a lot to say, a lot of experience, and also a lot of authenticity in here. I just appreciate you coming all the way from the islands, and I wonder if you need Bob or me to go back with you just to make sure you get back there safely?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>That would be great\u2014I wouldn\u2019t want to lose my luggage, you know\u2014three different flights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let me just go get my golf clubs so that I can make sure that I get back there with you. Thanks for being on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Thank you so much for having me be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The book that Dan has written is called <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>. Of course, we have copies in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go to our website, which is FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com. In the upper left-hand corner of the screen, when you get there, it says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d If you click that link, it\u2019ll take you right to an area of the website where you can find out more about how to order a copy of Dan\u2019s book, <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>. You can order, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order a copy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, there\u2019s also information on the website about our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways that are a great place for an engaged couple or a pre-married couple to go to explore the subject of marriage. And we have other resources\u2014including a devotional guide that Dennis and Barbara Rainey have prepared called <em>The Preparing for Marriage Devotions for Couples<\/em>\u2014designed for engaged couples to go through together\u2014to build a stronger spiritual foundation in their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, you\u2019ll find all of this when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and you click the link in the upper left-hand corner that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSince we\u2019ve talked about marriage and commitment today, I\u2019ve just been struck again, Dennis, by the fact that what FamilyLife is all about is effectively developing godly families\u2014first of all, because we want our families to reflect the greatness and the goodness of God. It\u2019s not just about what\u2019s going to make us happy\u2014it\u2019s about what is going to honor and please Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s our ultimate commitment, here at FamilyLife. We want marriages and families that show off the goodness of God in all they do. We also believe that godly marriages and families can change the world, one home at a time. I know some of our listeners believe that this mission is critical as well. The reason I know that is because some of them have pitched in to make what we do possible, and we\u2019re grateful for your financial support of what <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation today, we\u2019d like to express our gratitude. We\u2019d like to send you a resource Barbara Rainey has designed for families. It\u2019s a chalkboard in the shape of a house. Printed on the chalkboard it says, \u201cIn this home we give thanks for\u201d and then there\u2019s a place for you to write, in chalk, whatever it is you\u2019re grateful for. It\u2019s our gift to you when you support the ministry today with a donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper right-hand corner that says, \u201cI Care.\u201d You can make an online donation that way. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make your donation over the phone, and be sure to request the chalkboard when you do that. Or mail your request to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday for a history lesson. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a professor of history from Wheaton College, who\u2019s going to be joining us, along with Barbara Rainey. We\u2019re going to talk about the Pilgrims, and we\u2019re going to talk about the Native Americans, and we\u2019re going to talk about the very first Thanksgiving\u2014what\u2019s true \/ what\u2019s not\u2014and how do we celebrate today in light of what happened almost four centuries ago, now. Hope you can tune in for that on Monday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["26.75M"],"filesize_raw":["28045252"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303255.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303255.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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Chun reminisces about his own failed marriage, and tells how he approached love and marriage differently the second time around.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-10-31.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A lot of people, when they\u2019re dating, find themselves praying, \u201cLord, is it Your will that I should marry this person?\u201d Dan Chun says they ought to be asking about God\u2019s will in other aspects of their relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Oftentimes, we say, \u201cWhat\u2019s the will of God?\u201d Well, right there it says, \u201cFor this is the will of God your sanctification, that you abstain from fornication,\u201d which means sex outside of marriage. So what happens is\u2014sex blinds us and binds us. It blinds us to the person\u2019s faults; and it binds us, emotionally and physically, way too early, before there\u2019s any commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, October 31<sup>st<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We have some principles for you on how to pick a spouse\u2014some do\u2019s and don\u2019ts today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Did you notice the guest has a Mickey Mouse watch on? Did you notice that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know\u2014I didn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wearing a Mickey Mouse watch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was admiring his golf shirt, which is a prestigious golf club in Hawaii.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A beautiful golf club that your church just bought; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Our church bought it about eight years ago. It\u2019s a wonderful 242-acre golf course, and the clubhouse is three acres under roof.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I have to talk to my pastor about how we go do that\u2014how we go find that golf club. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How we play church.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. You are welcome to come\u2014Ko\u2019olau Golf Club. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. That\u2019s Dan Chun, who is with us from Honolulu. He has been a pastor for 35 years. He and his wife Pam have three adult children, and he has a lot of experience in working with singles around the issue of selecting a mate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt really is a result of, I think, what God did in your own life. You kind of used a personal wound of something that took place in your life to ultimately bring help and hope to others. Explain what happened to our listeners and how you and Pam got together.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, Henri Nouwen talks about being wounded healers, and I\u2019m certainly a wounded healer. Many, many years ago, before seminary, I went through an unwanted divorce. Out of that, I learned of God\u2019s grace \/ went to seminary. I basically said to God, \u201cIf the Word is true, it has to be true for me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLo and behold, I ended up at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church\u2014ran a singles ministry that really grew rapidly. They trusted me because they knew I had gone through their pain. Whether they were never married, or divorced, or widowed, they knew the pain of break-up and loss. Out of that matrix came this book and some principles to really help people in their separations.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The book is called <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>: <em>A Proven, Practical Guide to Finding a Lifelong Partner<\/em>. Five years after your first wife left you, and the unwanted divorce, you married again; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. By God\u2019s grace, I married Pam. We\u2019ve been married for more than the 32 years\u2014it\u2019s going to be our 33<sup>rd<\/sup> this year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>What was different the second time around in the dating, and the getting to know one another, and thinking about marriage process than had been true in the first marriage?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I think the second time\u2014I was a lot more picky. I was a lot more aware of some of the building blocks that need to be there. And Pam\u2019s faith was very fervent, and very real, and very personal. As it proved over the years, she was willing to be a teammate in ministry and was entrepreneurial and a visionary in creating ministries that would help people in a deep way\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014so whether working with me, as a pastor, or in our para-church organization, Hawaiian Island Ministries, she was there, every step of the way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And so, she was there at Menlo Park as you were building this ministry to single people?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. Yes, she was\u2014she was.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>How big of a risk was it for you to venture out and ask her to marry you? I mean, I\u2019ve heard from divorced people that the wound goes deep, and the rejection is life-altering.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Sure. I think it was a risk\u2014well, mathematically, it\u2019s a risk because those in the second marriage\u2014it\u2019s a little higher divorce rate\u2014but also you had to overcome some past hurts and not fall into insecurity or trying to prove that somebody really loves you. But Pam was just so gracious, and so loving, and so forgiving that it was actually relatively easy to move into the marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So there weren\u2019t a lot of fears that you brought into that new relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I think, after five years, you really work on the luggage\u2014what I call the luggage. If you don\u2019t know what went wrong in the first marriage, you\u2019re going to bring that luggage into the second marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes; let\u2019s talk about that for a moment. How long would you advise someone, who\u2019s been divorced, to wait before considering engaging again\u2014if they are free to remarry?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, this is anecdotal and not statistical. For me, it was five years. I would say\u2014for other people, I would say, at least, three years because you just need enough to know who you are \/ what makes you tick\u2014\u201cWhat are your weaknesses? What are your failings?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBecause\u2014in a real way, whether you\u2019ve been married before or not\u2014when people say, \u201cHere\u2019s what I want in a guy:\u201d or, \u201cHere\u2019s what I want in a girl: I want her to be spiritual, a prayer warrior, someone who loves worship, someone who\u2019s evangelistic, someone who has a heart for children.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI oftentimes say to the guy: \u201cOkay, let\u2019s step back a bit. So\u2014do you say you\u2019re spiritual? Are you into prayer?\u201d \u201cWell, no.\u201d \u201cAre you into witnessing to others?\u201d \u201cNo.\u201d \u201cDo you like going to church?\u201d \u201cWell, if I have to.\u201d \u201cSo you\u2019re trying to marry somebody who you\u2019re not.\u201d Then I switch it and say, \u201cYou need to become the person you want to marry because you\u2019ll never find that person\u2014if that\u2019s what\u2019s important for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. Anytime you begin this conversation about preparing for marriage, you get into the issue of co-habitation because that is the preferred method of marriage preparation in the culture today.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I\u2019m guessing it may even be a little higher per capita in Honolulu than it is in other parts of the country. I\u2019m guessing that co-habitation just kind of happens over there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know that for a fact, but I would say that many people using a worldly logic\u2014not necessarily a Scriptural logic\u2014a worldly logic\u2014will say: \u201cWell, shouldn\u2019t you take the car for a test run? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cShouldn\u2019t you kick the tires? Shouldn\u2019t you find out what it\u2019s like?\u201d But <em>all<\/em> the statistics \/ <em>all<\/em> the research shows that, if you co-habitate, you have a higher chance of divorce, not a lower chance. You think, \u201cThat doesn\u2019t make sense!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, it makes sense\u2014one, because there\u2019s a Scriptural principle behind that\u2014but number two is because you can\u2019t practice commitment. They\u2019re practicing commitment \/ they\u2019re practicing to see what it\u2019s like to be with each other\u2014but either you are fully-committed or you\u2019re not. I think that\u2019s why there\u2019s a higher divorce rate for those who live with one another\u2014it\u2019s just a time bomb waiting for it not to work out.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Dan, you know there are some young women who have met a guy\u2014they\u2019ve fallen in love and now they\u2019re afraid: \u201cIf I don\u2019t\u2014 maybe it\u2019s not move in\u2014but if we\u2019re not, at least, having sex in our relationship, I\u2019m going to lose this guy. It\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve had any guy have any interest me, and so I just feel like I have to do this to get him to the altar.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes, and that\u2019s probably the devil\u2019s lie for that\u2014it\u2019s just the wrong poison putting in there. And this whole myth of co-habitation\u2014I mean, whether you look at the binary part, or The National Marriage Project, or even the RAND Corporation has done research\u2014it all shows co-habitation has a higher divorce rate.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You know, when speaking about co-habitation, Dan, you have to discuss, I think, even a bigger issue\u2014which is sex before marriage. At our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaways, we used to have a session to prepare engaged people for the honeymoon night. It\u2019s really interesting\u2014that\u2019s really changed over the last, almost, four decades. It used to be we were preparing, not all as being virgins, but a number of them were really going in, inexperienced. But now, we have these couples\u2014well, some are coming, having co-habited\u2014but others are coming, having already had sex or been having sex for a number of months.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cWe\u2019re trying to figure out how we\u2019re going to get childcare for the honeymoon,\u201d because\u2014they not only have had sex but they have one or two children\u2014and they still haven\u2019t gotten married. How do you counsel a young couple that comes and says, \u201cLook, I know we\u2019re not supposed to; but everybody does, and we just can\u2019t help ourselves\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I counsel them, \u201cPlease do not have sex before marriage.\u201d The reason for that\u2014and again, we\u2019re battling so-called \u201cworldly wisdom\u201d that: \u201cThis is the way you test out the relationship. This is one form of communication.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut you can\u2019t get around God\u2019s principles. Only twice in all of the New Testament does it say, \u201cThis is the will of God.\u201d They\u2019re both from 1 Thessalonians\u2014one is 5:18\u2014it says: \u201cRejoice always; pray without ceasing; give thanks in all circumstances.\u201d But the other one says, \u201cThis is the will of God, your sanctification; that you abstain from fornication.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOftentimes, we say, \u201cWhat is the will of God?\u201d Well, right there, it says, \u201cAbstain from fornication,\u201d which means sex before marriage\u2014because what happens, when we have sex before marriage, it\u2019s really more like an escalator than an elevator\u2014you just get more and more physically involved. It\u2019s not like an elevator\u2014where you can go from the third floor down to the first floor and up to the eighth floor and get down to the second floor and be less involved. It gets more and more involved. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat happens is\u2014sex blinds us and binds us. It blinds us to the person\u2019s faults because we\u2019re so much into the sexual communication we\u2019re not having those good conversations over dinner. It binds us, emotionally and physically, way too early before there\u2019s any commitment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is this hormone called oxytocin that is emitted during sex. That actually makes you more addicted to wanting to do sex over and over again. It\u2019s the same hormone that is emitted when a mother\u2019s nursing a child\u2014there\u2019s this bonding experience. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn sex, oxytocin and dopamine, but oxytocin especially, is emitted. It makes you want to have it more and more, and we have to be aware of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the reality today is\u2014if we decide to have sex before marriage, we put our bodies in peril with all the sexually-transmitted diseases. HPV has 79 million people in the USA with that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Hold it\u2014you said how many people?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Seventy-nine million people in the USA have some form of HPV.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>That\u2019s 25 percent of the population.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. It\u2019s really, really, really huge. They claim there\u2019ll be 14 million more every new year, according to the CDC.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let me stop, too, before you move off of that. What do you advise young couples, who are getting married today, to do in terms of testing?\u2014because you have some people who are carriers of this virus, right here, who don\u2019t know it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, see, again, I had said, earlier, that if they take a lap around the track\u2014a year \/ winter and summer with each other\u2014in that year, they will see if the symptoms come up. They should get tested if there\u2019s a question of their spouse-to-be or their girlfriend\u2019s\/boyfriend\u2019s fidelity earlier than when they met.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. Someday, you\u2019re going to be raising kids; and you\u2019re going to be raising kids to, hopefully, abstain from sex. I want to tell you\u2014it\u2019s going to help you in raising your children if you have abstained as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I would want to add one thing for the listeners out there, who have realized they\u2019re in a relationship, right now, that is more physical than spiritual. I would say, \u201cThen start today as a new chapter, and live a new life.\u201d For those who have already had sex before marriage and you\u2019re saying, \u201cI wish I didn\u2019t do that,\u201d we all need to know the wonderful forgiveness of God\u2014His grace and His mercy\u2014and that we are completely forgiven. Today can be a new day\u2014a day of health, a day of spiritual direction, and a day of hope. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would hope people don\u2019t think: \u201cWell, I blew it. I can\u2019t turn around now.\u201d We\u2019ve all \u201cblown it\u201d; and through God\u2019s grace, we can turn around. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Dan, you, in your book, <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>, you choose the letter in the alphabet\u2014 \u201cC.\u201d I love these because, interestingly, we pick employees, here at FamilyLife, around some of the same C\u2019s that you list in terms of picking a spouse. I want you to share those seven C\u2019s with our listeners.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Are these the high seas?\u2014is that what they are?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s what everyone should sail on before they make their choice.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>No, these are the high seas to avoid the rough seas\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, there you go.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Oh, that\u2019s good.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014or hardships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Oh, wow!\u2014I\u2019ll use that in my next book.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, let me say them really briefly. The seven C\u2019s are: \u201cThere\u2019s character,\u201d first\u2014that you really want to marry somebody of <em>tremendous<\/em> character. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have to test that out in a variety of ways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>So what\u2019s character?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Character would be that this person has the integrity to really know between right and wrong. When no one\u2019s looking, it really shines. I remember\u2014once, I said to my dad, when I was a young child, \u201cHey Dad, let\u2019s lie about my age; and we\u2019ll get a cheaper movie ticket.\u201d My dad said, \u201cNo, we\u2019re not going to do that because that\u2019s not the right thing.\u201d I <em>always<\/em> remember that\u2014here it is, you know, 50 years later, I remember this. That\u2019s the kind of character we want\u2014that whether people are watching or not\u2014they\u2019re doing what\u2019s the right thing, and they\u2019re thinking in the right way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You have to make sure you\u2019re marrying somebody you can rely on\u2014somebody you can trust \/ somebody who\u2019s going to be honest, dependable\u2014these kinds of character qualities. If they\u2019re absent and you\u2019re saying, \u201cBut I\u2019m still in love with her,\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019m still in love with him,\u201d well, you\u2019re going to have a lot of challenges in how you relate to another person who\u2019s undependable and doesn\u2019t tell you the truth; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, I know somebody, right now\u2014this girl who\u2019s dating a guy who\u2019s been unfaithful with three other relationships\u2014unfaithful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd so I think, \u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>\u201cWhere\u2019s the character of this man? He already has a track record that\u2019s going to be repeated again.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Marriage is built on trust. The second one you say is \u201cchemistry.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Chemistry\u2014I won\u2019t spend a lot of time on that one, but chemistry is basically\u2014there should be some physical attraction. I think, sometimes, even Christians can be so left-brained \/ so logical on it\u2014there\u2019s just no emotion there. And yes, the chemistry is second to more important things; but it\u2019s still second and not like number 1,002. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \u201cCompetency\u201d is your third.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Marry a guy or girl who is competent in the work force \/ competent in accomplishing tasks. You don\u2019t want to marry somebody who can\u2019t keep a job \/ who can\u2019t follow through on a project at home. They have to be competent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is a pretty practical skill you\u2019re talking about\u2014but somebody who doesn\u2019t have the ability to hang onto a job\u2014again, you\u2019re setting yourself up for a lot of challenges ahead; aren\u2019t you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I\u2019m just amazed\u2014you\u2019re right\u2014I\u2019m just amazed how many women, for example, are dating guys and want to marry these guys who can\u2019t keep jobs or don\u2019t have a job. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>One thing else you mentioned in your book\u2014you\u2019re talking about competency concerning life skills\u2014just general skills around living that every man\/woman needs to have\u2014but we can\u2019t necessarily assume, going forward.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. There can be a grave assumption that they know how to balance a checkbook, even, and have savings. I mean, that\u2019s all important.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This next one ought to be with a capital \u201cC\u201d\u2014Culture\u2014where they come from.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Right. Culture\u2014and I use that broadly\u2014it could be ethnic culture, it could be a financial culture, it could be educational culture, and it could even be a religious culture. You just have to be very savvy in understanding the differences there are in, let\u2019s say, a multi-racial marriage. I\u2019m obviously not against that\u2014in Hawaii, we have it all the time\u2014but you just have to be aware of how an Eastern or Western background would be different.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You tell a story in your book, Dan, about a couple who went on their first date. It was to some kind of\u2014not a music recital, but it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>It was a music recital. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Okay. Share with them what happened because it\u2019s kind of funny.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>That was so funny! I think it was a violin recital. The woman comes from this east coast culture background. The guy is from Hawaii\u2014from a small town\u2014and kind of just a \u201cgood old Joe.\u201d During the concert, he starts humming with the musician up front. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And there are only 30 people there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Yes. So, the girl\u2014now, they did get married in the end; and they have a great marriage\u2014but she had to be aware of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd another one\u2014a couple\u2014the guy visits the house, and he\u2019s from Hawaii. He comes down for breakfast with just shorts and no shirt on because that\u2019s what you do in Hawaii.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes\u2014flip-flops; yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>But he\u2019s on the east coast. He shows up, and the father has a tie on and a dress shirt and slacks, at breakfast, at his home!\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014completely different! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, this next one is no laughing matter\u2014Commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>And that\u2019s a big one. A lot of guys, especially, have a stuttering problem\u2014they go, \u201cC-c-c-c-commitment.\u201d They can\u2019t say the word. If a person can\u2019t keep a commitment\u2014and you\u2019ve seen him break commitments quickly in jobs, or break up friendships quickly, or even other romantic relationships\u2014something\u2019s wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, that\u2019s because the foundation of every marriage is a life-long commitment. You are saying to one another, \u201cI do, till death do us part.\u201d If you have a problem with commitments, the commitment that\u2019s going to get tested throughout your life is your marriage commitment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And I\u2019d just like to make a statement about prenuptials, at this point. There\u2019s only one prenuptial design\u2014that\u2019s till death do you part.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That is the agreement between you and your spouse. Any other kind of prenuptial agreement doesn\u2019t need to be signed because it, ultimately, can be used as an escape hatch.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>You know, it\u2019s funny you should say that, Dennis, because one of my appendices in the back of the book\u2014I lay out my nine-page premarital information form that all couples have to sign. One question is, \u201cDo you have a prenuptial agreement?\u201d If any say, \u201cYes,\u201d I don\u2019t do the marriage \/ I don\u2019t do the wedding. Now, if it\u2019s\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Good for you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>I just say: \u201cWait. Wait. If you build a back door, you\u2019re going to use it. If you\u2019re saying you\u2019re not sure if it\u2019s going to work out\u2014\u2018So I want to make sure she can\u2019t \/ or he can\u2019t have that,\u2019\u2014I just don\u2019t do the wedding.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You and I are in a hundred-percent agreement because I won\u2019t do them unless they do sign a prenuptial agreement that\u2019s a marriage covenant for a lifetime. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Amen\u2014but I\u2019m betting you and I are in the minority.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I would bet we are. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have two more left. One is \u201cCommunication\u201d, and the last one, \u201cCore values.\u201d Explain what those are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Well, communication\u2014just very clearly: \u201cCan you identify your own feelings? Can you recognize the other person\u2019s feelings? Are you a good listener, or are you just a talker?\u201d Those things are <em>incredibly<\/em> important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then the building blocks, again\u2014in terms of faith, in terms of passion, about your purpose in life\u2014are you even close to those core values?\u2014or is one into money and one isn\u2019t?\u2014is one into doing missions and the other one could care less?\u2014does one have a heart for the saved or the unsaved, and the other one could care less? You need to have the right same core values. Of course, as a follower of Christ, I always say, \u201cIf Jesus Christ is your <em>best<\/em> friend, then you have to marry a Christian or else you\u2019re not sharing your best friend with your spouse-to-be.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Well, in my opinion, Dan, your book is one of the best out there on how to pick a spouse because you\u2019re really tapping into more than three decades of ministry among singles\u2014you\u00a0 have a lot to say, a lot of experience, and also a lot of authenticity in here. I just appreciate you coming all the way from the islands, and I wonder if you need Bob or me to go back with you just to make sure you get back there safely?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>That would be great\u2014I wouldn\u2019t want to lose my luggage, you know\u2014three different flights.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Let me just go get my golf clubs so that I can make sure that I get back there with you. Thanks for being on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, though.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dan: <\/strong>Thank you so much for having me be here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The book that Dan has written is called <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>. Of course, we have copies in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go to our website, which is FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com. In the upper left-hand corner of the screen, when you get there, it says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d If you click that link, it\u2019ll take you right to an area of the website where you can find out more about how to order a copy of Dan\u2019s book, <em>How to Pick a Spouse<\/em>. You can order, online; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order a copy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, there\u2019s also information on the website about our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways that are a great place for an engaged couple or a pre-married couple to go to explore the subject of marriage. And we have other resources\u2014including a devotional guide that Dennis and Barbara Rainey have prepared called <em>The Preparing for Marriage Devotions for Couples<\/em>\u2014designed for engaged couples to go through together\u2014to build a stronger spiritual foundation in their relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, you\u2019ll find all of this when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com and you click the link in the upper left-hand corner that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSince we\u2019ve talked about marriage and commitment today, I\u2019ve just been struck again, Dennis, by the fact that what FamilyLife is all about is effectively developing godly families\u2014first of all, because we want our families to reflect the greatness and the goodness of God. It\u2019s not just about what\u2019s going to make us happy\u2014it\u2019s about what is going to honor and please Him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s our ultimate commitment, here at FamilyLife. We want marriages and families that show off the goodness of God in all they do. We also believe that godly marriages and families can change the world, one home at a time. I know some of our listeners believe that this mission is critical as well. The reason I know that is because some of them have pitched in to make what we do possible, and we\u2019re grateful for your financial support of what <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is doing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you make a donation today, we\u2019d like to express our gratitude. We\u2019d like to send you a resource Barbara Rainey has designed for families. It\u2019s a chalkboard in the shape of a house. Printed on the chalkboard it says, \u201cIn this home we give thanks for\u201d and then there\u2019s a place for you to write, in chalk, whatever it is you\u2019re grateful for. It\u2019s our gift to you when you support the ministry today with a donation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the upper right-hand corner that says, \u201cI Care.\u201d You can make an online donation that way. Or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make your donation over the phone, and be sure to request the chalkboard when you do that. Or mail your request to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at PO Box 7111, Little Rock, AR; and our zip code is 72223.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend, and I hope you can join us back on Monday for a history lesson. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a professor of history from Wheaton College, who\u2019s going to be joining us, along with Barbara Rainey. We\u2019re going to talk about the Pilgrims, and we\u2019re going to talk about the Native Americans, and we\u2019re going to talk about the very first Thanksgiving\u2014what\u2019s true \/ what\u2019s not\u2014and how do we celebrate today in light of what happened almost four centuries ago, now. Hope you can tune in for that on Monday.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back Monday for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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