{"id":303201,"date":"2014-09-17T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-09-17T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/wise-advice-for-stepmoms\/"},"modified":"2014-09-17T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-09-17T15:00:00","slug":"wise-advice-for-stepmoms","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/wise-advice-for-stepmoms\/","title":{"rendered":"Wise Advice for Stepmoms"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Being a stepmom is hard.  Stepmoms Laura Petherbridge, Gayle Grace and Heather Hetchler offer their very best advice for becoming the best stepmom you can be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-17.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"22.8M","filesize_raw":"23911854","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,2894],"tags":[5433,5435,5431,5434,5432],"podcast_series":[8036],"cwp_profile":[3586,9358,3308],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303201","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-stepfamily-living","tag-disharmony","tag-dont-rush-into-it","tag-high-conflict-relationship","tag-stepkids","tag-strained","podcast_series-tips-for-smart-stepmoms","cwp_profile-gayla-grace","cwp_profile-heather-hetchler","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303201\/wise-advice-for-stepmoms","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303201\/wise-advice-for-stepmoms","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"OkqcPzwBiW\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/wise-advice-for-stepmoms\/\">Wise Advice for Stepmoms<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/wise-advice-for-stepmoms\/embed\/#?secret=OkqcPzwBiW\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Wise Advice for Stepmoms&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"OkqcPzwBiW\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-17.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-17.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Conflict is normal in marriage. It\u2019s no fun, but it is normal. Gayla Grace says, \u201cIf you\u2019re in a blended marriage \/ if you\u2019re in a stepfamily, you can expect that relationships are going to be strained, from time to time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Recognize that disharmony is part of step-family life. I know that may be hard to hear; but particularly, in the early years, it\u2019s more than likely a part of step-family life. Be okay with days where you don\u2019t get along in relationships\u2014be okay with that\u2014but know that,\u00a0 just because that\u2019s where you are today, it doesn\u2019t mean that\u2019s where you\u2019re going to be five years from now or ten years from now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, September 17<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are some strategies that stepmoms and stepdads can employ to have a stronger, healthier step-family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk with three stepmoms about those strategies today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You got your travel all lined up for Washington, DC?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m ready to go to I Still Do<sup>\u2122<\/sup> and so is Barbara. We\u2019re expecting several thousand couples there at the Verizon Center. We\u2019re going to celebrate marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is our third <em>I Still Do<\/em> event.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had the one in Chicago and then Portland. Now, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, we\u2019re going to be at the Verizon Center for <em>I Still Do<\/em>. But you\u2019re going up early; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I am. We\u2019re going to be at the summit for blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I think all of our guests are going to be coming up early as well. We have Laura Petherbridge, and Gayla Grace, and Heather Hetchler in the studio with us today. Ladies, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you all coming to the summit for blended families? You have to say, \u201cYes!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Ron would disown us if we didn\u2019t! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron Deal, who gives leadership to the FamilyLife blended ministry here is convening this second annual event, where we\u2019re going to be getting together with people from churches, and local communities, and counselors, and just people who have a heart for blended couples\u2014couples in a step-marriage \/ step-family\u2014the challenges those couples face. Sometimes, those challenges seem like they\u2019re insurmountable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, as you ladies have been sharing with us this week, there is a way to have joy, and peace, and fulfillment\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And survive it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, and <em>love it<\/em>\u2014to be in a blended family and really <em>love it<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I just want to ask you\u2014all three of you were at the first summit, back in Dallas; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Share with our listeners, just quickly, what hit you as you gathered together there with 150 folks at this first-ever gathering of blended family leaders.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> Well, I was taken aback. I was so joyful to see the hunger that everyone had for more resources and for more support. It was just really a blessing to see all of the people there who were bringing it back to their churches\u2014bringing it back because step-families need support. They need the support of the church to help their family and help their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And they need people who are passionate about it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and they\u2019re not always on the church staff. Sometimes, it\u2019s people, within the church, who step up to give leadership to it. Gayla, what about you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> I loved the camaraderie among the step-family leaders and getting to know others who were also doing step-family ministry in their church\u2014and just knowing that I could contact them later if I wanted to\u2014I had a question about how they were doing ministry in their church\u2014it was just a great way to meet with like-minded people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Laura?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> After 25 years in Divorce Recovery and step-family ministry, I do believe it was the first time I\u2019ve ever been around a group of people that were so passionate and had this same commonality of goal in building a better step-family foundation so that we could lean on each other\u2014give each other resources \/ encourage each other\u2014because we often, in the church, feel isolated and alone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, if folks want more information about what\u2019s coming up in Washington, DC, on Thursday and Friday, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup>, they can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There\u2019s a link there that will give them all the information. We hope to have double the number\u2014do you remember me saying that last year?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I said, \u201cLet\u2019s have double next year!\u201d So we\u2019re hoping we\u2019ll have 300 or more showing up this year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think we\u2019ll easily surpass that. That\u2019s how bullish I am on this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s give our listeners a taste of what they\u2019ll receive there. Let\u2019s talk about the impact of the ex--spouse on the blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Can that be a challenge for a blended family? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are heads nodding, like they\u2019re all on puppet strings in here! What\u2019s the best piece of advice you would give someone as they begin to relate to an ex-- out of their blended family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Well, my encouragement would be to say that the ex--wife-in-law is there to stay, even if she\u2019s dead. Let me repeat that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, she\u2019s still there, in other words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> She\u2019s still there. The ex--wife\u2014the former spouse\u2014is there in your marriage, even if she is deceased. Whether it\u2019s a divorce or a death, there are issues with the in-laws or with the other family if she\u2019s deceased. But if she\u2019s divorced, this person is part of your family \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo many step-families think, \u201cWhen my kids turn 18 and they go off to college, we won\u2019t be dealing with the other home.\u201d This person is <em>in your life <\/em>for the <em>rest of your married life<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> For better \/ for worse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. And some ex--spouses are wonderful to deal with\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014some of them are very good parents\u2014they love their kids and want to co-parent well. Other ex--spouses are miserable\u2014they\u2019re toxic. They\u2019ll do <em>anything <\/em>to try to destroy your marriage to their former spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if you\u2019re talking to somebody\u2014Gayla\u2014who is wondering about: \u201cHow do I handle this\u2014especially since my ex--spouse and I don\u2019t see, eye to eye, on parenting issues, or values issues, or what we should be doing with the kids\u2014what do I do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Well, one thing I would say, for sure, is that the one who has the ex-- needs to be the one to deal with the ex--. If both of you have an ex--, you need to deal with your ex-- and you need to let your husband deal with their ex--. Sometimes- I see some of this mixing going on; and it is just going to create a bigger problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing I would say is boundaries are very important in regards to ex--spouses\u2014what you expect in regard to the ex-- in your own home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor instance, we had problems with allowing the ex-- to come into our home. It felt invasive. So, we had to set some boundaries in place in regards to what was going to be allowed when the ex-- came to pick up the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How about for you, Heather?\u2014advice that you would give regarding how you navigate this relationship with an ex--spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> I would say that anything that happens in that ex--spouse\u2019s house is probably going to end up in your home. You can\u2019t control what they\u2019re doing, but you can control your response to it. You have to focus on what you can say. I would suggest that you never, ever bad-mouth the ex-- in front of the children. The children need to respect both their mother and their father\u2014you need to encourage that relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would also say that, you know, oftentimes, as stepmoms, we see\u2014we battle maybe perhaps with our husband on something\u2014and then we see them work very well with their ex--spouse. That can cause a stepmom to get really upset because: \u201cHow can you argue with me \/ how can you fight me on things but you seem to give in to your ex-- all of the time?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, oftentimes, your husband isn\u2019t necessarily viewing it as giving in to her. He\u2019s viewing it as keeping the peace in the home. He knows, if he angers or upsets his ex--spouse, she has the <em>power<\/em> to really wreak havoc on his marriage and his home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you\u2019re saying there can be jealousy issues that emerge if your spouse and his ex-- are\u2014seem to be getting along, and smiling, and laughing? You can be going: \u201cWait, wait, wait! What about me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> In particular, with the dad and his ex--wife. Men tend to me a little bit more of the \u201cKeep the peace. Let\u2019s not ruffle the feathers,\u201d because they\u2019re terrified that their former spouse is going to start withholding the children from them or there\u2019s going to be more financial issues\u2014she\u2019ll drag him back into court. He already fears that maybe his children don\u2019t know that he loves them or that he wants to spend time with them, so he\u2019s often very terrified that he\u2019s going to lose his children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo he placates her\u2014the ex--spouse\u2014to keep the peace so that he doesn\u2019t lose his kids. But his wife \/ the step-mom views this as giving in. She views it as him being spineless with his former spouse: \u201cMaybe you still care about her since you\u2019re not standing up to her. Why do you let her walk all over us?\u201d This is a very common topic!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about another extreme\u2014that\u2019s when maybe the ex- is just not that good of a person. Let\u2019s just say they\u2019re poisoning the stream as these kids go back to spend time with them. What have you learned about keeping your mouth shut, with the children blended into your family, about the former ex-? I would think it would be very easy to just begin to whittle away, using your tongue at the ex-\u2014Gayla?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Well, you have to recognize that, if you do that, all you\u2019re doing is hurting your kids because that parent is a part of them. You are simply destroying part of their self-esteem. So, you do have to get very intentional that you <em>will not <\/em>speak badly of the ex- in front of the kids. You will do all you can to work with the ex- in regards to visitation. Whatever comes up, it has to be an intentional choice. It\u2019s not going to just happen automatically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But, Gayla, what if your kids are\u2014I\u2019m trying to take this out of your specific situation\u2014let\u2019s say there\u2019s a mom and her kids are going every other weekend to be with their dad. They\u2019re coming home; and they\u2019re going, \u201cDad is the greatest! He\u2019s\u2026this and he is that!\u201d Mom is there, going: \u201cI know the truth about Dad. I\u2019m concerned that my kids are getting this picture of Dad as the hero. They just don\u2019t know what\u2019s really going on. Someday, they\u2019re going to be really hurt, or disappointed, or disillusioned.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDoes she need to start, you know, getting them ready for reality and saying; \u201cNow, look. There are some things about Dad here that you don\u2019t know\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> No; because the reality is that, when those kids reach their teenage years, they will form their own opinions. It will only hurt <em>you<\/em> and <em>your <\/em>relationship with them if you try to give them the reality now. As kids grow up and begin to think on their own, they will begin to form their own opinions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you just bite your lip? You just smile?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, I don\u2019t want to give the impression that you don\u2019t address the issue. For example, said kid comes home and says, \u201cWhile we\u2019re over at dad\u2019s house, we get to watch R-rated movies or really bad stuff,\u201d or, \u201cWe eat nothing but ice cream the whole weekend,\u201d or whatever. Let\u2019s use the movies because that\u2019s a very common one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes because there\u2019s nothing wrong with the ice cream! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> No! Nothing wrong with the ice cream\u2014I misspoke! [Laughter] Let\u2019s say the movies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, let\u2019s say you\u2019re a good parent; and you don\u2019t want your kids seeing these slasher movies, or nudity, or something like that. The kid comes home saying they saw this movie. You address the issue, not the parent. So, you say something like: \u201cYou know what, Joshua? I am really sorry that you saw that movie. You understand that in your dad\u2019s home and in our home, we have different rules\u2014we have different guidelines. I\u2019m sorry that that put you in the middle because that probably confused you\u2014that we have two different sets of rules. Unfortunately, that\u2019s a consequence of divorce; and, as your mom, I am really, really sorry that has put you in that position. Do you want to talk about what you saw?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, we\u2019re assuming that you\u2019re speaking to your biological child, at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; because, if that\u2019s the step-child, that needs to be dad saying that to his child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do you do if, you\u2019re playing by the rules and you\u2019re not saying anything negative about your ex-, but your son or daughter is getting an earful, over at your ex-\u2018s house, about what a \u201cno good\u201d you are. They come home and say: \u201cDad told me\u2026this, and this, and this. Why did you do that? Why did you do this?\u201d How do you handle that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> You have to speak truth to the child. If at all possible, you give them proof. For example, a common thing that happens is that a biological mom will tell the children: \u201cWell, if your father wasn\u2019t remarried to that woman and her children, you kids would be able to go to a private school. You\u2019d be able to have\u2026\u201d\u2014whatever. \u201cWe\u2019d be able to go on a nice vacation. If your father was paying his child support, instead of paying for this other family, then we would have more money.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the kid comes home and then saying that to dad\u2014he or she says it to the step-mom\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> \u2014which, of course, sends her through the roof because she knows how much money is going out the door. So, what I encourage is\u2014that is for dad \/ <em>not step-mom!<\/em>\u2014for dad to sit down with his kids and say: \u201cYou know, I know your mom has been telling you that I don\u2019t pay child support I want you to know that\u2019s not the truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI do pay child support and I\u2019ve got my checkbook right here. I\u2019ve got my bank statement right here,\u201d\u2014again, this has to be in an age-appropriate manner\u2014\u201cI want to be able to show you where I am paying your mom the money that the court has said that I have to pay. I\u2019m sorry that you\u2019re hearing conflicting information between the two homes. That must be very confusing for you; but I want you to know that I do love you, and I do pay the amount I\u2019m supposed to be paying. I don\u2019t want money or an adult issue, such as money, to be something that you\u2019re concerning yourself with because that\u2019s not something that you need to worry about.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, we\u2019re talking about ex-\u2018s. That, obviously, is around divorce. A lot of blended families happen where one of the spouses dies, and there is no living ex-; but, as you\u2019ve talked about here, there can be a \u201cghost\u201d that occurs. Sabrina has been listening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Our <em>one <\/em>studio-audience member, who is still out in the studio audience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; Sabrina. I\u2019m just wondering, \u201cDo you have a question for our panel of experts here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We should tell our listeners\u2014Sabrina has been in a step-family. She married a man who\u2014his wife died. He brought two kids into the marriage\u2014a 24-year-old and a 14-year-old. Sabrina\u2019s got two young kids. What questions do you have for the ladies here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Well, I think my biggest question, since I do have a 24-year-old, a 14-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 3-year-old now, really is the blending situation. I know that, at least, one of you has a wide variety of ages in your home. As moms, we want peace, and we want the nurturing, and we want the congealing in our families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI guess the question I have is: \u201cHow do we go about creating an atmosphere?\u201d I know we can\u2019t force them all to get along and love each other; but what can I do, as a mom \/ as a step-mom, to create an atmosphere to get them to get along together \/ to enjoy one another\u2014to have that relationship amongst themselves?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Who wants to tackle that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I would have to say that <em>not forcing<\/em> the kids to view each other as siblings is <em>very important<\/em>. I meet many step-families who try <em>to force<\/em> the kids to view each other as brothers and sisters\u2014and say, \u201cThat\u2019s not your step-brother,\u201d \/ \u201cThat\u2019s not your step-sister.\u201d They don\u2019t like that phrase\u2014so they force that on the children. I would highly advise that they not force the children to view each other as siblings. Let them come to that on their own.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Why is that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Because it makes the child resentful: \u201cThis is <em>not <\/em>my sibling\u2014this is <em>not<\/em> my brother or sister. You\u2019re not going to <em>make<\/em> me view them as my brother or sister.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> And sometimes they, eventually, do view them as a sibling\u2014sometimes, they don\u2019t!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Gayla? You had quite a spread of step-children here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What was your age spread?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Well, we have them now from 13 to 29. Now the youngest\u2014the 13-year-old\u2014is the one my husband and I had together. So, the others\u2014two are mine and two are his. I would say, for one, recognize that disharmony is part of step-family life. I know that may be hard to hear; but, particularly in the early years, it\u2019s more than likely a part of step-family life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I hear you saying, \u201cSettle for lower expectations.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Yes! That is exactly right. Be okay with days where relationships\u2014there seems to be\u2014you don\u2019t get along in relationships. Be okay with that\u2014but know that, just because that\u2019s where you are today, doesn\u2019t mean that\u2019s where you\u2019re going to be five years from now or ten years from now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy thing is\u2014I just really want to offer hope to those who are sitting in situations where it just seems like there\u2019s a lot of tension. If you just keep working at those relationships\u2014eventually, some of that tension is how your family begins to identify\u2014we can look back and laugh at vacations that were just <em>disastrous<\/em> in our early years. Now\u2014our kids\u2014we come together and we laugh about those things because our kids are grown.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You weren\u2019t laughing at the time; were you? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> No! We were crying! I can tell you! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sabrina, do you have another question? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> You all have a lot of experience now, as stepmoms. What can you tell me, as a new stepmom? What is it that my stepchildren want me to know that I don\u2019t know yet?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I think one of the most common things that stepchildren wish their stepmothers knew is that \u201cIf I love you, it means I\u2019m dishonoring my mother,\u201d\u2014whether she is deceased or she is still alive but in another home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s possible that they like you \/ that they want to like you\u2014that they may even want to love you\u2014they may even want to embrace you as a mother-figure in their life\u2014but \u201cTo do that means being disloyal to my mother or to my mother\u2019s image \/ my mother\u2019s memory.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, one of the key things they would like their stepmom to know is it\u2019s not really about you\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s about being loyal to my mother.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m sitting here, listening to you ladies, and just reflecting on what you\u2019ve said here this week. I\u2019m thinking of the need for stepfamilies to major in 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4-7. It\u2019s the love chapter, and it\u2019s not about Hollywood\u2019s love. It\u2019s about what real love is all about. Barbara has created a resource\u2014that, all of a sudden, occurs to me\u2014would be <em>great<\/em> for a blended family to go through, as a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a garland that holds\u2014I think it is 14 hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s each of the words that are defined in 1 Corinthians 13, where it says: \u201cLove is patient and kind, does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.\u201d It has all of those on there, and it has stories inside the heart that you can read to your children and discuss. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, even in this imperfect situation, where two families are, at points, not blending but colliding, we can teach them how to love. In fact, I think that\u2019s the lesson here. I think we\u2019ve got to love with a love that\u2019s not of this world. It\u2019s the love of God that does forgive and does have grace and mercy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura, I want to thank you for your work. You\u2019ve been so faithful\u2014a great writer. You write for MomLifeToday.com. I just appreciate you. Gayla and Heather\u2014thank you for your work. We\u2019re going to see all three of you \u201cguys\u201d [Laughter]\u2014all three of you guys at the summit for blended families. We just appreciate you being on the broadcast this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Thanks for having us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I hope some of our listeners will come out and join us as well. It\u2019s the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> summit, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. It\u2019s Thursday night, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and then all day on the 3<sup>rd<\/sup> of October. That\u2019s in Washington, DC\u2014actually in Springfield, Virginia\u2014just outside of Washington, DC. It\u2019s the day before we do the <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup>one-day event at the Verizon Center in downtown Washington, DC. If listeners would like more information about attending the summit, and learning from people who are involved in ministry to blended or step-families, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll find information about the upcoming <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em> summit when you do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d There\u2019s also information there about Laura Petherbridge\u2019s new book, <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom.<\/em> You may not be a stepmom yourself, but I bet you know somebody who is. This would be a great gift to give to somebody. In fact, this would be a great gift to give to someone that could open the door for a spiritual conversation that you\u2019ve been wanting to have with a friend. Again, go to FamilyLife.com and look for more information about the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em> summit and Laura Petherbridge\u2019s book, <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom.<\/em> Or, if you have any questions about either the event or the book, call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things I\u2019m really looking forward to at the <em>I Still Do<\/em> event in Washington, DC, is the chance to say, \u201cHi!\u201d to, not only our listeners, but to those of you who listen and support this ministry, either as monthly Legacy Partners or those of you who give occasionally to help support this ministry. We are dependent on listeners, like you, who see the value of what we\u2019re trying to do, here, at <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>and who want to partner with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, if you\u2019d like to make a donation, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a 2015 calendar\u2014actually it starts in October. So, it\u2019s one of those 15-month calendars. If you get it now, you can hang it up in October. The calendar focuses on the fruit of the Spirit and how you can have a fruitful, spiritual year in your marriage. It\u2019s just a great reminder of what godliness looks like in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and click in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cI Care.\u201d When you make an online donation, we\u2019ll send you the FamilyLife Spirit-filled Year calendar. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also request the calendar when you write a check and mail it to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. Our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about money. We\u2019re going to talk about finances. We\u2019re going to talk about God as our Provider. Brian Kluth is going to join us. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.8M"],"filesize_raw":["23911854"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-303201.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-303201.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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a stepmom is hard. Stepmoms Laura Petherbridge, Gayle Grace and Heather Hetchler offer their very best advice for becoming the best stepmom you can be.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-17.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Conflict is normal in marriage. It\u2019s no fun, but it is normal. Gayla Grace says, \u201cIf you\u2019re in a blended marriage \/ if you\u2019re in a stepfamily, you can expect that relationships are going to be strained, from time to time.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Recognize that disharmony is part of step-family life. I know that may be hard to hear; but particularly, in the early years, it\u2019s more than likely a part of step-family life. Be okay with days where you don\u2019t get along in relationships\u2014be okay with that\u2014but know that,\u00a0 just because that\u2019s where you are today, it doesn\u2019t mean that\u2019s where you\u2019re going to be five years from now or ten years from now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, September 17<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. There are some strategies that stepmoms and stepdads can employ to have a stronger, healthier step-family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019re going to talk with three stepmoms about those strategies today. Stay tuned.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You got your travel all lined up for Washington, DC?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m ready to go to I Still Do<sup>\u2122<\/sup> and so is Barbara. We\u2019re expecting several thousand couples there at the Verizon Center. We\u2019re going to celebrate marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is our third <em>I Still Do<\/em> event.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It is.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We had the one in Chicago and then Portland. Now, October 4<sup>th<\/sup>, we\u2019re going to be at the Verizon Center for <em>I Still Do<\/em>. But you\u2019re going up early; right? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I am. We\u2019re going to be at the summit for blended families.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> And I think all of our guests are going to be coming up early as well. We have Laura Petherbridge, and Gayla Grace, and Heather Hetchler in the studio with us today. Ladies, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today.<\/em> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Are you all coming to the summit for blended families? You have to say, \u201cYes!\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Ron would disown us if we didn\u2019t! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Ron Deal, who gives leadership to the FamilyLife blended ministry here is convening this second annual event, where we\u2019re going to be getting together with people from churches, and local communities, and counselors, and just people who have a heart for blended couples\u2014couples in a step-marriage \/ step-family\u2014the challenges those couples face. Sometimes, those challenges seem like they\u2019re insurmountable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, as you ladies have been sharing with us this week, there is a way to have joy, and peace, and fulfillment\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And survive it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, and <em>love it<\/em>\u2014to be in a blended family and really <em>love it<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I just want to ask you\u2014all three of you were at the first summit, back in Dallas; right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Share with our listeners, just quickly, what hit you as you gathered together there with 150 folks at this first-ever gathering of blended family leaders.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> Well, I was taken aback. I was so joyful to see the hunger that everyone had for more resources and for more support. It was just really a blessing to see all of the people there who were bringing it back to their churches\u2014bringing it back because step-families need support. They need the support of the church to help their family and help their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And they need people who are passionate about it\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014and they\u2019re not always on the church staff. Sometimes, it\u2019s people, within the church, who step up to give leadership to it. Gayla, what about you?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> I loved the camaraderie among the step-family leaders and getting to know others who were also doing step-family ministry in their church\u2014and just knowing that I could contact them later if I wanted to\u2014I had a question about how they were doing ministry in their church\u2014it was just a great way to meet with like-minded people.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Laura?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> After 25 years in Divorce Recovery and step-family ministry, I do believe it was the first time I\u2019ve ever been around a group of people that were so passionate and had this same commonality of goal in building a better step-family foundation so that we could lean on each other\u2014give each other resources \/ encourage each other\u2014because we often, in the church, feel isolated and alone.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, if folks want more information about what\u2019s coming up in Washington, DC, on Thursday and Friday, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup>, they can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There\u2019s a link there that will give them all the information. We hope to have double the number\u2014do you remember me saying that last year?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I said, \u201cLet\u2019s have double next year!\u201d So we\u2019re hoping we\u2019ll have 300 or more showing up this year.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think we\u2019ll easily surpass that. That\u2019s how bullish I am on this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet\u2019s give our listeners a taste of what they\u2019ll receive there. Let\u2019s talk about the impact of the ex--spouse on the blended family.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Can that be a challenge for a blended family? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> There are heads nodding, like they\u2019re all on puppet strings in here! What\u2019s the best piece of advice you would give someone as they begin to relate to an ex-- out of their blended family?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Well, my encouragement would be to say that the ex--wife-in-law is there to stay, even if she\u2019s dead. Let me repeat that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes, she\u2019s still there, in other words.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> She\u2019s still there. The ex--wife\u2014the former spouse\u2014is there in your marriage, even if she is deceased. Whether it\u2019s a divorce or a death, there are issues with the in-laws or with the other family if she\u2019s deceased. But if she\u2019s divorced, this person is part of your family \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo many step-families think, \u201cWhen my kids turn 18 and they go off to college, we won\u2019t be dealing with the other home.\u201d This person is <em>in your life <\/em>for the <em>rest of your married life<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> For better \/ for worse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. And some ex--spouses are wonderful to deal with\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014some of them are very good parents\u2014they love their kids and want to co-parent well. Other ex--spouses are miserable\u2014they\u2019re toxic. They\u2019ll do <em>anything <\/em>to try to destroy your marriage to their former spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So, if you\u2019re talking to somebody\u2014Gayla\u2014who is wondering about: \u201cHow do I handle this\u2014especially since my ex--spouse and I don\u2019t see, eye to eye, on parenting issues, or values issues, or what we should be doing with the kids\u2014what do I do?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Well, one thing I would say, for sure, is that the one who has the ex-- needs to be the one to deal with the ex--. If both of you have an ex--, you need to deal with your ex-- and you need to let your husband deal with their ex--. Sometimes- I see some of this mixing going on; and it is just going to create a bigger problem.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe other thing I would say is boundaries are very important in regards to ex--spouses\u2014what you expect in regard to the ex-- in your own home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor instance, we had problems with allowing the ex-- to come into our home. It felt invasive. So, we had to set some boundaries in place in regards to what was going to be allowed when the ex-- came to pick up the kids.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> How about for you, Heather?\u2014advice that you would give regarding how you navigate this relationship with an ex--spouse.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather:<\/strong> I would say that anything that happens in that ex--spouse\u2019s house is probably going to end up in your home. You can\u2019t control what they\u2019re doing, but you can control your response to it. You have to focus on what you can say. I would suggest that you never, ever bad-mouth the ex-- in front of the children. The children need to respect both their mother and their father\u2014you need to encourage that relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would also say that, you know, oftentimes, as stepmoms, we see\u2014we battle maybe perhaps with our husband on something\u2014and then we see them work very well with their ex--spouse. That can cause a stepmom to get really upset because: \u201cHow can you argue with me \/ how can you fight me on things but you seem to give in to your ex-- all of the time?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, oftentimes, your husband isn\u2019t necessarily viewing it as giving in to her. He\u2019s viewing it as keeping the peace in the home. He knows, if he angers or upsets his ex--spouse, she has the <em>power<\/em> to really wreak havoc on his marriage and his home.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you\u2019re saying there can be jealousy issues that emerge if your spouse and his ex-- are\u2014seem to be getting along, and smiling, and laughing? You can be going: \u201cWait, wait, wait! What about me?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> In particular, with the dad and his ex--wife. Men tend to me a little bit more of the \u201cKeep the peace. Let\u2019s not ruffle the feathers,\u201d because they\u2019re terrified that their former spouse is going to start withholding the children from them or there\u2019s going to be more financial issues\u2014she\u2019ll drag him back into court. He already fears that maybe his children don\u2019t know that he loves them or that he wants to spend time with them, so he\u2019s often very terrified that he\u2019s going to lose his children.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo he placates her\u2014the ex--spouse\u2014to keep the peace so that he doesn\u2019t lose his kids. But his wife \/ the step-mom views this as giving in. She views it as him being spineless with his former spouse: \u201cMaybe you still care about her since you\u2019re not standing up to her. Why do you let her walk all over us?\u201d This is a very common topic!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about another extreme\u2014that\u2019s when maybe the ex- is just not that good of a person. Let\u2019s just say they\u2019re poisoning the stream as these kids go back to spend time with them. What have you learned about keeping your mouth shut, with the children blended into your family, about the former ex-? I would think it would be very easy to just begin to whittle away, using your tongue at the ex-\u2014Gayla?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Well, you have to recognize that, if you do that, all you\u2019re doing is hurting your kids because that parent is a part of them. You are simply destroying part of their self-esteem. So, you do have to get very intentional that you <em>will not <\/em>speak badly of the ex- in front of the kids. You will do all you can to work with the ex- in regards to visitation. Whatever comes up, it has to be an intentional choice. It\u2019s not going to just happen automatically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> But, Gayla, what if your kids are\u2014I\u2019m trying to take this out of your specific situation\u2014let\u2019s say there\u2019s a mom and her kids are going every other weekend to be with their dad. They\u2019re coming home; and they\u2019re going, \u201cDad is the greatest! He\u2019s\u2026this and he is that!\u201d Mom is there, going: \u201cI know the truth about Dad. I\u2019m concerned that my kids are getting this picture of Dad as the hero. They just don\u2019t know what\u2019s really going on. Someday, they\u2019re going to be really hurt, or disappointed, or disillusioned.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDoes she need to start, you know, getting them ready for reality and saying; \u201cNow, look. There are some things about Dad here that you don\u2019t know\u201d?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> No; because the reality is that, when those kids reach their teenage years, they will form their own opinions. It will only hurt <em>you<\/em> and <em>your <\/em>relationship with them if you try to give them the reality now. As kids grow up and begin to think on their own, they will begin to form their own opinions.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So you just bite your lip? You just smile?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Well, I don\u2019t want to give the impression that you don\u2019t address the issue. For example, said kid comes home and says, \u201cWhile we\u2019re over at dad\u2019s house, we get to watch R-rated movies or really bad stuff,\u201d or, \u201cWe eat nothing but ice cream the whole weekend,\u201d or whatever. Let\u2019s use the movies because that\u2019s a very common one.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes because there\u2019s nothing wrong with the ice cream! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> No! Nothing wrong with the ice cream\u2014I misspoke! [Laughter] Let\u2019s say the movies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, let\u2019s say you\u2019re a good parent; and you don\u2019t want your kids seeing these slasher movies, or nudity, or something like that. The kid comes home saying they saw this movie. You address the issue, not the parent. So, you say something like: \u201cYou know what, Joshua? I am really sorry that you saw that movie. You understand that in your dad\u2019s home and in our home, we have different rules\u2014we have different guidelines. I\u2019m sorry that that put you in the middle because that probably confused you\u2014that we have two different sets of rules. Unfortunately, that\u2019s a consequence of divorce; and, as your mom, I am really, really sorry that has put you in that position. Do you want to talk about what you saw?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Now, we\u2019re assuming that you\u2019re speaking to your biological child, at that point?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Yes; because, if that\u2019s the step-child, that needs to be dad saying that to his child.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What do you do if, you\u2019re playing by the rules and you\u2019re not saying anything negative about your ex-, but your son or daughter is getting an earful, over at your ex-\u2018s house, about what a \u201cno good\u201d you are. They come home and say: \u201cDad told me\u2026this, and this, and this. Why did you do that? Why did you do this?\u201d How do you handle that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> You have to speak truth to the child. If at all possible, you give them proof. For example, a common thing that happens is that a biological mom will tell the children: \u201cWell, if your father wasn\u2019t remarried to that woman and her children, you kids would be able to go to a private school. You\u2019d be able to have\u2026\u201d\u2014whatever. \u201cWe\u2019d be able to go on a nice vacation. If your father was paying his child support, instead of paying for this other family, then we would have more money.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, the kid comes home and then saying that to dad\u2014he or she says it to the step-mom\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> \u2014which, of course, sends her through the roof because she knows how much money is going out the door. So, what I encourage is\u2014that is for dad \/ <em>not step-mom!<\/em>\u2014for dad to sit down with his kids and say: \u201cYou know, I know your mom has been telling you that I don\u2019t pay child support I want you to know that\u2019s not the truth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI do pay child support and I\u2019ve got my checkbook right here. I\u2019ve got my bank statement right here,\u201d\u2014again, this has to be in an age-appropriate manner\u2014\u201cI want to be able to show you where I am paying your mom the money that the court has said that I have to pay. I\u2019m sorry that you\u2019re hearing conflicting information between the two homes. That must be very confusing for you; but I want you to know that I do love you, and I do pay the amount I\u2019m supposed to be paying. I don\u2019t want money or an adult issue, such as money, to be something that you\u2019re concerning yourself with because that\u2019s not something that you need to worry about.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You know, we\u2019re talking about ex-\u2018s. That, obviously, is around divorce. A lot of blended families happen where one of the spouses dies, and there is no living ex-; but, as you\u2019ve talked about here, there can be a \u201cghost\u201d that occurs. Sabrina has been listening.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Our <em>one <\/em>studio-audience member, who is still out in the studio audience.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes; Sabrina. I\u2019m just wondering, \u201cDo you have a question for our panel of experts here?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We should tell our listeners\u2014Sabrina has been in a step-family. She married a man who\u2014his wife died. He brought two kids into the marriage\u2014a 24-year-old and a 14-year-old. Sabrina\u2019s got two young kids. What questions do you have for the ladies here?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> Well, I think my biggest question, since I do have a 24-year-old, a 14-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 3-year-old now, really is the blending situation. I know that, at least, one of you has a wide variety of ages in your home. As moms, we want peace, and we want the nurturing, and we want the congealing in our families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI guess the question I have is: \u201cHow do we go about creating an atmosphere?\u201d I know we can\u2019t force them all to get along and love each other; but what can I do, as a mom \/ as a step-mom, to create an atmosphere to get them to get along together \/ to enjoy one another\u2014to have that relationship amongst themselves?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Who wants to tackle that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I would have to say that <em>not forcing<\/em> the kids to view each other as siblings is <em>very important<\/em>. I meet many step-families who try <em>to force<\/em> the kids to view each other as brothers and sisters\u2014and say, \u201cThat\u2019s not your step-brother,\u201d \/ \u201cThat\u2019s not your step-sister.\u201d They don\u2019t like that phrase\u2014so they force that on the children. I would highly advise that they not force the children to view each other as siblings. Let them come to that on their own.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Why is that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Because it makes the child resentful: \u201cThis is <em>not <\/em>my sibling\u2014this is <em>not<\/em> my brother or sister. You\u2019re not going to <em>make<\/em> me view them as my brother or sister.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> And sometimes they, eventually, do view them as a sibling\u2014sometimes, they don\u2019t!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Alright.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Gayla? You had quite a spread of step-children here.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> What was your age spread?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Well, we have them now from 13 to 29. Now the youngest\u2014the 13-year-old\u2014is the one my husband and I had together. So, the others\u2014two are mine and two are his. I would say, for one, recognize that disharmony is part of step-family life. I know that may be hard to hear; but, particularly in the early years, it\u2019s more than likely a part of step-family life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I hear you saying, \u201cSettle for lower expectations.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Yes! That is exactly right. Be okay with days where relationships\u2014there seems to be\u2014you don\u2019t get along in relationships. Be okay with that\u2014but know that, just because that\u2019s where you are today, doesn\u2019t mean that\u2019s where you\u2019re going to be five years from now or ten years from now. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy thing is\u2014I just really want to offer hope to those who are sitting in situations where it just seems like there\u2019s a lot of tension. If you just keep working at those relationships\u2014eventually, some of that tension is how your family begins to identify\u2014we can look back and laugh at vacations that were just <em>disastrous<\/em> in our early years. Now\u2014our kids\u2014we come together and we laugh about those things because our kids are grown.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You weren\u2019t laughing at the time; were you? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> No! We were crying! I can tell you! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Sabrina, do you have another question? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Sabrina:<\/strong> You all have a lot of experience now, as stepmoms. What can you tell me, as a new stepmom? What is it that my stepchildren want me to know that I don\u2019t know yet?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> I think one of the most common things that stepchildren wish their stepmothers knew is that \u201cIf I love you, it means I\u2019m dishonoring my mother,\u201d\u2014whether she is deceased or she is still alive but in another home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s possible that they like you \/ that they want to like you\u2014that they may even want to love you\u2014they may even want to embrace you as a mother-figure in their life\u2014but \u201cTo do that means being disloyal to my mother or to my mother\u2019s image \/ my mother\u2019s memory.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, one of the key things they would like their stepmom to know is it\u2019s not really about you\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s about being loyal to my mother.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m sitting here, listening to you ladies, and just reflecting on what you\u2019ve said here this week. I\u2019m thinking of the need for stepfamilies to major in 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4-7. It\u2019s the love chapter, and it\u2019s not about Hollywood\u2019s love. It\u2019s about what real love is all about. Barbara has created a resource\u2014that, all of a sudden, occurs to me\u2014would be <em>great<\/em> for a blended family to go through, as a family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a garland that holds\u2014I think it is 14 hearts.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> It\u2019s each of the words that are defined in 1 Corinthians 13, where it says: \u201cLove is patient and kind, does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.\u201d It has all of those on there, and it has stories inside the heart that you can read to your children and discuss. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, even in this imperfect situation, where two families are, at points, not blending but colliding, we can teach them how to love. In fact, I think that\u2019s the lesson here. I think we\u2019ve got to love with a love that\u2019s not of this world. It\u2019s the love of God that does forgive and does have grace and mercy.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura, I want to thank you for your work. You\u2019ve been so faithful\u2014a great writer. You write for MomLifeToday.com. I just appreciate you. Gayla and Heather\u2014thank you for your work. We\u2019re going to see all three of you \u201cguys\u201d [Laughter]\u2014all three of you guys at the summit for blended families. We just appreciate you being on the broadcast this week.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura:<\/strong> Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla:<\/strong> Thanks for having us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I hope some of our listeners will come out and join us as well. It\u2019s the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> summit, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. It\u2019s Thursday night, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> and then all day on the 3<sup>rd<\/sup> of October. That\u2019s in Washington, DC\u2014actually in Springfield, Virginia\u2014just outside of Washington, DC. It\u2019s the day before we do the <em>I Still Do<\/em><sup>\u2122<\/sup>one-day event at the Verizon Center in downtown Washington, DC. If listeners would like more information about attending the summit, and learning from people who are involved in ministry to blended or step-families, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll find information about the upcoming <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em> summit when you do that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d There\u2019s also information there about Laura Petherbridge\u2019s new book, <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom.<\/em> You may not be a stepmom yourself, but I bet you know somebody who is. This would be a great gift to give to somebody. In fact, this would be a great gift to give to someone that could open the door for a spiritual conversation that you\u2019ve been wanting to have with a friend. Again, go to FamilyLife.com and look for more information about the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em> summit and Laura Petherbridge\u2019s book, <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom.<\/em> Or, if you have any questions about either the event or the book, call 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things I\u2019m really looking forward to at the <em>I Still Do<\/em> event in Washington, DC, is the chance to say, \u201cHi!\u201d to, not only our listeners, but to those of you who listen and support this ministry, either as monthly Legacy Partners or those of you who give occasionally to help support this ministry. We are dependent on listeners, like you, who see the value of what we\u2019re trying to do, here, at <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>and who want to partner with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRight now, if you\u2019d like to make a donation, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a 2015 calendar\u2014actually it starts in October. So, it\u2019s one of those 15-month calendars. If you get it now, you can hang it up in October. The calendar focuses on the fruit of the Spirit and how you can have a fruitful, spiritual year in your marriage. It\u2019s just a great reminder of what godliness looks like in a marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to FamilyLifeToday.com and click in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cI Care.\u201d When you make an online donation, we\u2019ll send you the FamilyLife Spirit-filled Year calendar. Or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also request the calendar when you write a check and mail it to <em>FamilyLife Today <\/em>at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. Our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about money. We\u2019re going to talk about finances. We\u2019re going to talk about God as our Provider. Brian Kluth is going to join us. I hope you can tune in for that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back tomorrow for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303201","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303201"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303201"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303201"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303201"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303201"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303201"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}