{"id":303199,"date":"2014-09-16T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2014-09-16T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/blended-family-blunders\/"},"modified":"2014-09-16T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2014-09-16T15:00:00","slug":"blended-family-blunders","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blended-family-blunders\/","title":{"rendered":"Blended Family Blunders"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s the biggest mistake couples make when trying to blend a family? Stepmoms Laura Petherbridge, Heather Hetchler and Gayla Grace, share their perspective on this question and more.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-16.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.7M","filesize_raw":"24849397","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2882,2894],"tags":[5433,5435,5431,5434,5432],"podcast_series":[8036],"cwp_profile":[3586,9358,3308],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-303199","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-developing-a-relationship-with-stepchildren","category-stepfamily-living","tag-disharmony","tag-dont-rush-into-it","tag-high-conflict-relationship","tag-stepkids","tag-strained","podcast_series-tips-for-smart-stepmoms","cwp_profile-gayla-grace","cwp_profile-heather-hetchler","cwp_profile-laura-petherbridge","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/303199\/blended-family-blunders","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/303199\/blended-family-blunders","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"IwUV9fp2Dj\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blended-family-blunders\/\">Blended Family Blunders<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/blended-family-blunders\/embed\/#?secret=IwUV9fp2Dj\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Blended Family Blunders&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"IwUV9fp2Dj\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-16.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-16.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you are a stepmom, what ought to be your top priority for your family?\u00a0 Heather Hetchler is a stepmom, and she says the answer to that is simple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>What stepmoms need to remember is the reason you are a stepmom is because you are married to the man you love. Your first priority is that marriage first, and it\u2019s not at the detriment of the children\u2014it\u2019s for their benefit. You want to create a strong godly marriage these kids can look up to. This needs to be the <em>last<\/em> marriage you\u2019re in. This needs to be a <em>strong <\/em>foundation. So, we need to work as a team\u2014and when we\u2019re butting heads, it\u2019s just not happening. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, September 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Saying that your marriage ought to be the priority in a stepfamily may sound simple, but it\u2019s not as easy as it sounds. We\u2019re going to talk with some stepmoms about that today. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know I\u2019ve had the experience to talk to couples, who are thinking about getting married. There are some things that they haven\u2019t talked about that they are going to be facing in their marriage\u2014in fact, a lot of things they haven\u2019t talked about\u2014but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You think?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014they are always assuming that the things they haven\u2019t talked about\u2014they will agree on those things. There is just\u2014it\u2019s like, in the back of their minds, they just figure, \u201cWe haven\u2019t talked about that yet, but I\u2019m <em>sure<\/em>\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cI\u2019m <em>sure <\/em>he would think this \/ she would think that.\u201d\u00a0 Well, you take that kind of presupposition, and you bring into a stepfamily \/ a blended family\u2014I think it\u2019s even intensified in that because, not only are we sure you\u2019re going to think like us, but we have some years of marriage to back up our thinking; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And it\u2019s a setup. It\u2019s a setup to miss each other and to start out your marriage on a couple of islands that are drifting apart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve got three ladies, who are all stepmoms, who are joining us, here in the studio. We have Heather, Gayla, and Laura joining us. Ladies, welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ladies: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Heather Hetchler is a writer, a speaker, a stepmom coach, and she is the founder of\u2014I want to make sure I get this right\u2014CafeSmom.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>CafeSmom\u2014that\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>CafeSmom\u2014I want to make sure the \u201cS\u201d is in there so they get it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And she has coauthored a book called <em>Unwrapping the Gift of Stepfamily Peace<\/em>, along with Gayla Grace, who also joins us. Welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And Laura Petherbridge joins us, who has been on our broadcast before. She is the author of a new book called <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, the first question, out of the shoot, ladies, is: \u201cWhat is the biggest mistake couples make\u2014not couples\u2014 moms \/ stepmoms make as they enter this blended family about their husbands and the father of these children?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the biggest mistake.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s that you are going to have equal authority in the home because, as the stepmom, I had the responsibility of the mother in the house, but the reality is I do not have full authority of those children. So, if my husband and I disagree on how to discipline or how to handle a situation, I have to defer to him if we are not in agreement. That was very difficult in the beginning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, when we were dating, we talked about what we wanted for our kids. We both wanted to raise honest, compassionate, God-fearing children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Back to what Bob was talking about\u2014before\u2014you thought you were in agreement; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>But we never talked about <em>how<\/em> we thought we could get there. [Laughter]\u00a0 So, my way of raising an honest, compassionate, God-fearing child was very different than how my husband wanted to raise an honest, God-fearing, compassionate child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we found, very early on, that even though we did have house rules and house consequences for basic things\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014when something you don\u2019t expect came up, we were often at odds. I kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing for him to see my view because I think I was looking at the girls more through the eyes of responsibility; and he was looking at his daughters through the eyes of love. He had a lot more grace and compassion for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI came to the point where I realized I was hurting my marriage. I was hurting my marriage by pushing him to do the things I thought he should do to parent the way <em>I <\/em>thought he should parent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Laura, I want to ask you about what Heather just said because, when you started off in marriage, you didn\u2019t bring kids into the marriage. So, she is saying you\u2019ve got no authority over anybody in your situation; right?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 You\u2019ve got responsibility\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014but these aren\u2019t your kids. How did that work out for you, practically?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Well, it\u2019s so interesting that you\u2019re\u2014because I was just thinking the same thing. And the point that is so clear in that\u2014because it didn\u2019t happen with me\u2014is that they are his children. They are not my children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo often, we, women, become so nurturing and so mom-like over these children that are not ours that we become offended when we think we shouldn\u2019t have that role of authority\u2014especially if the biological mother is still in the picture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had to get to the place of where I realized: \u201cIf this is not important to my husband and it is not important to their biological mother, why am I trying to make this a hill to die on?\u00a0 These are their children. I need to take several steps <em>back<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 It became a point of \u201cDo I want to have peace?\u201d or \u201cDo I want to be right?\u201d\u00a0 It was a hard thing to learn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd one of the things, as Heather commented, that it brought to my mind was that so many stepmoms contact me and say: \u201cWhen my husband won\u2019t stand beside me in these issues of discipline and with his children, it makes me feel unloved. I feel like he doesn\u2019t love me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI feel like he doesn\u2019t respect me. I\u2019m nothing more than a maid to his children because he will not respect or hear my opinion about how to raise these children.\u201d\u00a0 So, they\u2019re\u2014so, it\u2019s so multifaceted and complicated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s a challenge. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Gayla, you\u2019re a mom and a stepmom to five\u2014currently, ages 13 to 29\u2014go figure. I mean\u2014that is a spread. What about you?\u00a0 How have you balanced this out with your husband?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Well, I\u2019d say we tried to talk about: \u201cExactly what responsibilities did each of us have?\u201d and\u2014because both of us are a stepparent and a biological parent. It helped us have a little more compassion for some of the hard times that a stepparent goes through. We just tried hard to have open communication about our feelings \/ about what was happening in the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut another dynamic that I think doesn\u2019t even involve the kids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that I often see in marriages is \u201cHave the ghosts of marriage-past been dealt with?\u201d\u2014the issues from that first marriage. Maybe there was an affair \/ maybe there was a huge addiction problem\u2014but you are bringing some baggage into this second marriage. If those issues have not been dealt with, then, they\u2019re stuck right in the middle. In addition to the kid issues, you\u2019ve got the marriage issues now also. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I think there just needs to be recognition, with your spouse, of what kind of baggage is coming into play here that is also affecting our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Was there a ghost of marriage-past in your\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014blending?\u00a0 What was it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. Well, for me, it was addiction. My first husband struggled mightily with addiction. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, how did that influence your relationship with your clean and sober new husband?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>When I would see him go to the medicine cabinet to take Advil<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, I began questioning: \u201cWhat are you taking?\u00a0 What do you need that for?\u201d\u00a0 There was no <em>reason<\/em> for me to question that; but from his viewpoint, then, he felt that I was micro-managing him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Or didn\u2019t trust him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Exactly; exactly!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And the reality was you had been hurt deeply\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Deeply. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014by someone you tried to trust, repeatedly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and now, you\u2019re back in an intimate relationship where trust is absolutely ground zero. You\u2019ve got to have it from the very beginning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and you\u2019re just flinching. I mean, this is just kind of a natural flinch for you because it\u2019s bringing back, like you said, memories. It\u2019s not about your husband. It\u2019s just you remember what the medicine cabinet stood for last time in the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura, was there a ghost of marriage-past for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>There was. There was a trust issue. There was adultery in my first marriage; but you know, I have to say, even more than that, was that, as I\u2019ve matured in the Lord, I learned that my daddy-wound from my childhood actually was affecting my marriage, and my ability to love my stepchildren, and to <em>truly<\/em> love my husband\u2014almost more. Yes, my first marriage\u2014yes\u2014but I had\u2014the Lord forced me to go even deeper than that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd because I was so deeply wounded, as a child, myself\u2014when I would get that hurt feeling towards Steve\u2019s kids, or think, \u201cYou\u2019re not making them behave,\u201d and \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you being a dad?\u201d\u2014all of a sudden, I would see Steve\u2019s children through God\u2019s eyes and through the eyes of a child because I knew what it felt like to be from a divorced home. That gave me such tremendous compassion for his two sons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s how God taught me how to love those two boys, regardless if they were ever going to love me back or not. I learned to love them, even if they were never going to love me, because I was loving them for Christ\u2014not to get something in return. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what I want to make sure our listeners understand about you is you\u2019ve been in a blended family\u2014how long?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Twenty-eight years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s the wisdom of 28 years. That didn\u2019t come easily; did it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>It did not. And it was a choice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was a point where I had to say: \u201cI have stood before God and made a vow to this man.\u201d\u00a0 When I made a vow to him, I made a vow to love his kids. On my own strength, I have no ability to do that because my gut feeling is I want to run. I want to run from this as fast as I can because: \u201cIt\u2019s so much more complicated than I thought it was going to be. I don\u2019t deserve this, and I don\u2019t need this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I remembered my vow; and I thought: \u201cI will not bail out of this, and God will teach me. The Holy Spirit lives within me, and He will teach me how to love these porcupine kids.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 And He did!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Well, in my first marriage, I was lied to and manipulated. I had vowed that I would never be in another relationship where that happened. When I met my husband, he was the most \/and is the most godly man I\u2019ve ever met. However, his daughter started to lie and manipulate me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEven though I had forgiven my ex-husband, I realized that she was bringing up all those memories. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, while it wasn\u2019t my husband and I\u2014it was my stepchild. She was bringing back a lot of pain that I had felt with my first husband. God really stretched me to be able to work through that and to cover her with the love that God calls me to love her with, but I think a lot of moms struggle with that too\u2014when a child brings it up\u2014because you are the adult\u2014you should be older, and bigger, and stronger than those feelings\u2014but sometimes, when you have been wounded and hurt over and over again\u2014whether it\u2019s your spouse or your stepchild that brings that hurt up\u2014it can be very painful to deal with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes. And I deal with a lot of stepmoms, who contact me, who say: \u201cParenting this stepchild is stirring up my own childhood pain. It stirs up my own child,\u201d\u2014because it pricks you. It hurts you. It rejects you. It stabs you. It brings up all these emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt reminds you of many things that happened, long ago, that you\u2019d thought you\u2019d gotten over. And so, it can often\u2014and many stepmoms stir up\u2014yes, maybe a former marriage, but even more so, childhood pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking of Matthew, Chapter 7, and Jesus comparing two houses\u2014one built on sand \/ one built on a rock. And certainly, a blended family starts out\u2014it doesn\u2019t even start out on a sunny day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It starts out with a weather forecast of <em>immediate<\/em> storms. Comment, if you would, just about the importance of a stepmom having a relationship with Christ and, as Jesus said, digging down deep so that they respond rightly as God would have them respond; Gayla?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>I would say one of the verses that I relied on was Galatians 6:9: \u201cDo not grow weary of doing good for at the proper time you will reap a harvest.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that became something that was engrained in me because I have reaped a harvest now. I\u2019ve been a stepmom for 18 years. Our relationships are in such a different place than they were even 10 years ago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, there were times I also wanted to quit. I\u2019m so thankful today, though, that we have these relationships. It is all a matter of just persevering through some of those hard times, and digging into Scripture, and relying on a walk with the Lord to get you through the times when you want to quit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Did any of you take a drive and have a conversation with God at a very difficult moment?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>My husband spent a night in a hotel room within the first, probably, couple of months\u2014and called me from the hotel and said, \u201cI\u2019m not coming home tonight, Gayla; and I\u2019m not sure I\u2019m coming home again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was\u2014that was when we began to recognize these problems were bigger than we realized. We had to figure out how to make it work. Of course, we had already been\u2014both of us had been through divorce, and we didn\u2019t want another divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, where did you turn for help?\u00a0 You\u2019d read Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, at that point; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Well, and we went to a stepfamily class at a local church. This is why I have such a heart for stepfamily ministry in the church because I believe that class saved our marriage. We became acquainted with other stepfamilies, and began to share stories, and went through literature that helped us get tools for how to work in a stepfamily. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Isolation is really dangerous\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014for a stepfamily. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>It is. And in particular, the stepmom\u2014which is why we\u2019ve formed these stepmom retreats that the three of us do together, along with two other ladies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, tell our listeners about this because this just happened in the last year that you\u2019ve started getting together with other stepmoms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes, we\u2019ve formed a ministry called Sisterhood of Stepmoms. You can find it at SisterhoodofStepmoms.com. We do two retreats a year in different cities. It is a Friday night through Sunday morning. Stepmoms, from all over the place, come to these retreats; and we just love on them. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut mostly, what we do is\u2014we help them to connect with other stepmoms so that isolation\u2014Dennis, that you mentioned\u2014so that there is some connection there. So, they\u2019re feeling: \u201cI\u2019m not alone. I\u2019m not going crazy. All that I\u2019m thinking and experiencing is normal.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a clip where we have the men share how they are thinking and feeling. So, they hear from the husbands via video. That way, they know: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 This is just what stepfamily life is. These are the coping tools I have now to take back home.\u201d\u00a0 We have so many husbands that contact us and go, \u201cI don\u2019t know what you told my wife at that retreat, but she can go every year.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did you ever have a dark night like Dennis described, early in your marriage, where you thought, \u201cI don\u2019t know that this is going to work\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>I had more than a dark night. There were\u2014in that first year\u2014now, I have to preface that by saying, \u201cI got remarried too quickly.\u201d\u00a0 My first husband had had an affair, and our marriage was over. He did not want to try to work on that, and I remarried within a year of my divorce. So, part of this was I was trying to keep my head above water in my grief, while, at the same time, I\u2019m coping with all of these stepfamily issues. So, part of it was that I had just not properly grieved the death of my first marriage. That is crucial to mention. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut yes, I\u2014within the first year, I really thought: \u201cI love this man, and I know he loves me; but this is not what I bargained for. I am only 30 years old. I am not going to live the rest of my life in this chaos.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, why didn\u2019t it spin out for you?\u00a0 How did you guys hold it together?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>I really had to be the one to take the bull by the horns because the majority of the issues, really, were my own. I, individually, went and started getting some counseling and getting some help. That\u2019s when I started dealing with some of my childhood issues because, again, I was dealing with one more trauma\u2014one more pain\u2014in my life. Those root things really had to be dealt with before we could even deal with the marital issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe better I got, emotionally, and more emotionally stable I became, the more I was able to come back to my husband and, then, talk to him in a <em>rational<\/em> manner rather than a crazy manner about the things he and I needed to work on. Fortunately, my husband was very teachable. He loved me very much, and he did not want the marriage to end. That was the important factor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Heather, did you ever think, \u201cI don\u2019t know that this second marriage is going to make it\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Absolutely, I can still recall\u2014I remember I used to go upstairs in the bathroom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s where I do a lot of praying and crying out. I remember one night\u2014I was just on my hands and knees. I was crying to the Lord: \u201cGod, I can\u2019t do this anymore. I can\u2019t do this. It hurts too much. I\u2019m trying, and trying, and trying. I\u2019m trying to help these girls get through their pain. I can\u2019t do this anymore.\u201d\u00a0 I felt like God whispered to me: \u201cYou can\u2019t Heather, but I can. I can do this for you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just felt like I was putting that\u2014He was like: \u201cI\u2019m calling you to trust Me. I\u2019m calling you to trust Me in this situation.\u201d\u00a0 I just lay there. I was like: \u201cYou know what, Heather?\u00a0 You\u2019ve been trying to do this on your own.\u201d\u00a0 Even though I was going to church, and I was praying regularly, and we were having a godly marriage, I was not giving it to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019ve got to dig down deep into who Jesus Christ is\u2014make Him your master, find out what He taught, and ask Him to work that out in your own soul in the power of the Holy Spirit, whom you have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I just have to know\u2014what happened differently from then on. I mean, how did you rely on the strength of Christ rather than on your own strength?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>And share that sentence that you said the Holy Spirit shared with you\u2014that you didn\u2019t create the wound\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Well, I was trying to basically over-love my stepdaughters. They were just in a lot of pain of not having their mom. I felt like God saying: \u201cHeather, you didn\u2019t put that hole in their heart. You can\u2019t fill it. Only I can.\u201d\u00a0 God is a God of redemption and restoration. I remember thinking, too, that: \u201cEven though my marriage felt so unlike the day we said, \u2018I do,\u2019 I knew that God could restore anything.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband did not want to see me in pain. That\u2019s what\u2019s difficult for a husband\u2014is when he sees his wife, whom he loves, and his child, whom he loves, against each other \/ causing conflict in the house\u2014that is so difficult for a man. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I remember going to my husband\u2014because, even at this darkest time, I was still praying every day. We were praying before bed. I mean, I was doing everything I should do. And when I went to him and we talked\u2014and I remember the next day\u2014he handed me a blue Sharpie<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> \/ and he had a black one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe goes: \u201cHeather, we have to be intentional. Every morning, we have to wake up and say: \u2018I do. I give this over to Christ.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 So, we have a wall covered in \u201cI do\u2019s,\u201d\u2014mine are blue, and his are black. [Laughter]\u00a0 We have to be <em>intentional<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd there are times, where I find myself wanting to lose it again. There are times when I do lose it. I have to go in the bathroom and say: \u201cGod, where are you?\u00a0 You need to fill me because, right now, I am filling myself with my own thoughts, with my own anger, with my own\u2014and I need You to fill me.\u201d\u00a0 If I am still, and I am quiet, and I allow God to fill me, He will. It just makes a huge difference. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Just kind of a funny story\u2014I remember, one time\u2014you know, we\u2019ve got eight people; right?\u00a0 So, someone had to use our bathroom. They are like, \u201cMom, there is Sharpie on your wall,\u201d [Laughter] you know, because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cMom and Dad are writing on the wall.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \u201cThis thing is falling off the cliff!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>And I told\u2014she said: \u201cWhat is this, \u2018I do\u2019?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you remember your vows?\u00a0 Are you guys in trouble?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSomeday, you guys will get it, but we have to be intentional about loving each other and being Christ-like.\u201d That\u2019s just the truth of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The psalmist said, \u201cUnless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This thing called marriage, whether it\u2019s blended or more traditional marriage, can\u2019t be done in the power of the flesh\u2014and certainly, a blended family\u2014I mean, the challenges are multiplied in that relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and we\u2019ve said, over and over again, how important it is to have allies\u2014to have people who you can share all of this with\u2014folks you know \/ maybe folks who have been through some of what you are going through\u2014who can help provide wisdom and counsel. And then, resources like the book, Laura, that you have written\u2014<em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom<\/em>. It\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Listeners can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can order a copy of Laura\u2019s book, <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll also find information about the upcoming <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> summit. This is an event we\u2019re hosting in Washington, DC, Thursday night, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> \/ all day on Friday, October 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. This is for people who are\u2014either currently involved in doing ministry to stepfamilies or if you or your church are interested in developing an effective stepfamily ministry\u2014this would be a great event for you to attend. Find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d The information about the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em> summit is available there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal will be leading that. I\u2019ll be there. Dennis, you\u2019re going to be there\u2014a number of other speakers, who are going to be in attendance that day. We hope a lot of folks will come out and join us. It\u2019s the day before the <em>I Still Do<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> event in Washington, DC, at the Verizon Center. So, great opportunity for folks to come in and stay with us through the weekend\u2014and come to <em>I Still Do<\/em> as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we talk about the unique challenges that are facing stepfamilies. Our goal here, at FamilyLife, is to see every home be a godly home. We appreciate those of you who share that vision with us. When you make a donation, right now, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a calendar for the year 2015. It actually starts in October. So, you can go ahead and get it now and put it up in the kitchen or wherever else you like to hang a calendar. The calendar focuses on the fruit of the Spirit. Our goal is for you to have a Spirit-filled year as we keep pointing you back to how you can live with love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and all that is wrapped up in the fruit of the Spirit through this calendar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cI Care\u201d; and you make an online donation. We\u2019ll send the calendar to you. Or request the calendar when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also request the calendar when you mail a check to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. Our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, when we come back tomorrow, we\u2019re going to continue our conversation with our panel of stepmoms who are joining us this week. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. 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the biggest mistake couples make when trying to blend a family? Stepmoms Laura Petherbridge, Heather Hetchler and Gayla Grace, share their perspective on this question and more.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2014-09-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you are a stepmom, what ought to be your top priority for your family?\u00a0 Heather Hetchler is a stepmom, and she says the answer to that is simple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>What stepmoms need to remember is the reason you are a stepmom is because you are married to the man you love. Your first priority is that marriage first, and it\u2019s not at the detriment of the children\u2014it\u2019s for their benefit. You want to create a strong godly marriage these kids can look up to. This needs to be the <em>last<\/em> marriage you\u2019re in. This needs to be a <em>strong <\/em>foundation. So, we need to work as a team\u2014and when we\u2019re butting heads, it\u2019s just not happening. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, September 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. Saying that your marriage ought to be the priority in a stepfamily may sound simple, but it\u2019s not as easy as it sounds. We\u2019re going to talk with some stepmoms about that today. Stay tuned. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. You know I\u2019ve had the experience to talk to couples, who are thinking about getting married. There are some things that they haven\u2019t talked about that they are going to be facing in their marriage\u2014in fact, a lot of things they haven\u2019t talked about\u2014but\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You think?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014they are always assuming that the things they haven\u2019t talked about\u2014they will agree on those things. There is just\u2014it\u2019s like, in the back of their minds, they just figure, \u201cWe haven\u2019t talked about that yet, but I\u2019m <em>sure<\/em>\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cI\u2019m <em>sure <\/em>he would think this \/ she would think that.\u201d\u00a0 Well, you take that kind of presupposition, and you bring into a stepfamily \/ a blended family\u2014I think it\u2019s even intensified in that because, not only are we sure you\u2019re going to think like us, but we have some years of marriage to back up our thinking; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And it\u2019s a setup. It\u2019s a setup to miss each other and to start out your marriage on a couple of islands that are drifting apart. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve got three ladies, who are all stepmoms, who are joining us, here in the studio. We have Heather, Gayla, and Laura joining us. Ladies, welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ladies: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Heather Hetchler is a writer, a speaker, a stepmom coach, and she is the founder of\u2014I want to make sure I get this right\u2014CafeSmom.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>CafeSmom\u2014that\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>CafeSmom\u2014I want to make sure the \u201cS\u201d is in there so they get it.\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And she has coauthored a book called <em>Unwrapping the Gift of Stepfamily Peace<\/em>, along with Gayla Grace, who also joins us. Welcome to the broadcast. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Thank you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And Laura Petherbridge joins us, who has been on our broadcast before. She is the author of a new book called <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOkay, the first question, out of the shoot, ladies, is: \u201cWhat is the biggest mistake couples make\u2014not couples\u2014 moms \/ stepmoms make as they enter this blended family about their husbands and the father of these children?\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the biggest mistake.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>I think it\u2019s that you are going to have equal authority in the home because, as the stepmom, I had the responsibility of the mother in the house, but the reality is I do not have full authority of those children. So, if my husband and I disagree on how to discipline or how to handle a situation, I have to defer to him if we are not in agreement. That was very difficult in the beginning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember, when we were dating, we talked about what we wanted for our kids. We both wanted to raise honest, compassionate, God-fearing children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Back to what Bob was talking about\u2014before\u2014you thought you were in agreement; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>But we never talked about <em>how<\/em> we thought we could get there. [Laughter]\u00a0 So, my way of raising an honest, compassionate, God-fearing child was very different than how my husband wanted to raise an honest, God-fearing, compassionate child. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we found, very early on, that even though we did have house rules and house consequences for basic things\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014when something you don\u2019t expect came up, we were often at odds. I kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing for him to see my view because I think I was looking at the girls more through the eyes of responsibility; and he was looking at his daughters through the eyes of love. He had a lot more grace and compassion for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI came to the point where I realized I was hurting my marriage. I was hurting my marriage by pushing him to do the things I thought he should do to parent the way <em>I <\/em>thought he should parent. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Laura, I want to ask you about what Heather just said because, when you started off in marriage, you didn\u2019t bring kids into the marriage. So, she is saying you\u2019ve got no authority over anybody in your situation; right?\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 You\u2019ve got responsibility\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014but these aren\u2019t your kids. How did that work out for you, practically?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Well, it\u2019s so interesting that you\u2019re\u2014because I was just thinking the same thing. And the point that is so clear in that\u2014because it didn\u2019t happen with me\u2014is that they are his children. They are not my children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo often, we, women, become so nurturing and so mom-like over these children that are not ours that we become offended when we think we shouldn\u2019t have that role of authority\u2014especially if the biological mother is still in the picture. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI had to get to the place of where I realized: \u201cIf this is not important to my husband and it is not important to their biological mother, why am I trying to make this a hill to die on?\u00a0 These are their children. I need to take several steps <em>back<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 It became a point of \u201cDo I want to have peace?\u201d or \u201cDo I want to be right?\u201d\u00a0 It was a hard thing to learn. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd one of the things, as Heather commented, that it brought to my mind was that so many stepmoms contact me and say: \u201cWhen my husband won\u2019t stand beside me in these issues of discipline and with his children, it makes me feel unloved. I feel like he doesn\u2019t love me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cI feel like he doesn\u2019t respect me. I\u2019m nothing more than a maid to his children because he will not respect or hear my opinion about how to raise these children.\u201d\u00a0 So, they\u2019re\u2014so, it\u2019s so multifaceted and complicated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It\u2019s a challenge. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Gayla, you\u2019re a mom and a stepmom to five\u2014currently, ages 13 to 29\u2014go figure. I mean\u2014that is a spread. What about you?\u00a0 How have you balanced this out with your husband?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Well, I\u2019d say we tried to talk about: \u201cExactly what responsibilities did each of us have?\u201d and\u2014because both of us are a stepparent and a biological parent. It helped us have a little more compassion for some of the hard times that a stepparent goes through. We just tried hard to have open communication about our feelings \/ about what was happening in the home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut another dynamic that I think doesn\u2019t even involve the kids\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014that I often see in marriages is \u201cHave the ghosts of marriage-past been dealt with?\u201d\u2014the issues from that first marriage. Maybe there was an affair \/ maybe there was a huge addiction problem\u2014but you are bringing some baggage into this second marriage. If those issues have not been dealt with, then, they\u2019re stuck right in the middle. In addition to the kid issues, you\u2019ve got the marriage issues now also. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I think there just needs to be recognition, with your spouse, of what kind of baggage is coming into play here that is also affecting our marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Was there a ghost of marriage-past in your\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014blending?\u00a0 What was it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. Well, for me, it was addiction. My first husband struggled mightily with addiction. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, how did that influence your relationship with your clean and sober new husband?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>When I would see him go to the medicine cabinet to take Advil<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, I began questioning: \u201cWhat are you taking?\u00a0 What do you need that for?\u201d\u00a0 There was no <em>reason<\/em> for me to question that; but from his viewpoint, then, he felt that I was micro-managing him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Or didn\u2019t trust him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Exactly; exactly!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And the reality was you had been hurt deeply\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Deeply. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014by someone you tried to trust, repeatedly\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014and now, you\u2019re back in an intimate relationship where trust is absolutely ground zero. You\u2019ve got to have it from the very beginning. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and you\u2019re just flinching. I mean, this is just kind of a natural flinch for you because it\u2019s bringing back, like you said, memories. It\u2019s not about your husband. It\u2019s just you remember what the medicine cabinet stood for last time in the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLaura, was there a ghost of marriage-past for you?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>There was. There was a trust issue. There was adultery in my first marriage; but you know, I have to say, even more than that, was that, as I\u2019ve matured in the Lord, I learned that my daddy-wound from my childhood actually was affecting my marriage, and my ability to love my stepchildren, and to <em>truly<\/em> love my husband\u2014almost more. Yes, my first marriage\u2014yes\u2014but I had\u2014the Lord forced me to go even deeper than that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd because I was so deeply wounded, as a child, myself\u2014when I would get that hurt feeling towards Steve\u2019s kids, or think, \u201cYou\u2019re not making them behave,\u201d and \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you being a dad?\u201d\u2014all of a sudden, I would see Steve\u2019s children through God\u2019s eyes and through the eyes of a child because I knew what it felt like to be from a divorced home. That gave me such tremendous compassion for his two sons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s how God taught me how to love those two boys, regardless if they were ever going to love me back or not. I learned to love them, even if they were never going to love me, because I was loving them for Christ\u2014not to get something in return. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>And what I want to make sure our listeners understand about you is you\u2019ve been in a blended family\u2014how long?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Twenty-eight years. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>That\u2019s the wisdom of 28 years. That didn\u2019t come easily; did it?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>It did not. And it was a choice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was a point where I had to say: \u201cI have stood before God and made a vow to this man.\u201d\u00a0 When I made a vow to him, I made a vow to love his kids. On my own strength, I have no ability to do that because my gut feeling is I want to run. I want to run from this as fast as I can because: \u201cIt\u2019s so much more complicated than I thought it was going to be. I don\u2019t deserve this, and I don\u2019t need this.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I remembered my vow; and I thought: \u201cI will not bail out of this, and God will teach me. The Holy Spirit lives within me, and He will teach me how to love these porcupine kids.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 And He did!\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Well, in my first marriage, I was lied to and manipulated. I had vowed that I would never be in another relationship where that happened. When I met my husband, he was the most \/and is the most godly man I\u2019ve ever met. However, his daughter started to lie and manipulate me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tEven though I had forgiven my ex-husband, I realized that she was bringing up all those memories. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, while it wasn\u2019t my husband and I\u2014it was my stepchild. She was bringing back a lot of pain that I had felt with my first husband. God really stretched me to be able to work through that and to cover her with the love that God calls me to love her with, but I think a lot of moms struggle with that too\u2014when a child brings it up\u2014because you are the adult\u2014you should be older, and bigger, and stronger than those feelings\u2014but sometimes, when you have been wounded and hurt over and over again\u2014whether it\u2019s your spouse or your stepchild that brings that hurt up\u2014it can be very painful to deal with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes. And I deal with a lot of stepmoms, who contact me, who say: \u201cParenting this stepchild is stirring up my own childhood pain. It stirs up my own child,\u201d\u2014because it pricks you. It hurts you. It rejects you. It stabs you. It brings up all these emotions. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt reminds you of many things that happened, long ago, that you\u2019d thought you\u2019d gotten over. And so, it can often\u2014and many stepmoms stir up\u2014yes, maybe a former marriage, but even more so, childhood pain. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I\u2019m thinking of Matthew, Chapter 7, and Jesus comparing two houses\u2014one built on sand \/ one built on a rock. And certainly, a blended family starts out\u2014it doesn\u2019t even start out on a sunny day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>No. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>It starts out with a weather forecast of <em>immediate<\/em> storms. Comment, if you would, just about the importance of a stepmom having a relationship with Christ and, as Jesus said, digging down deep so that they respond rightly as God would have them respond; Gayla?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>I would say one of the verses that I relied on was Galatians 6:9: \u201cDo not grow weary of doing good for at the proper time you will reap a harvest.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that became something that was engrained in me because I have reaped a harvest now. I\u2019ve been a stepmom for 18 years. Our relationships are in such a different place than they were even 10 years ago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYet, there were times I also wanted to quit. I\u2019m so thankful today, though, that we have these relationships. It is all a matter of just persevering through some of those hard times, and digging into Scripture, and relying on a walk with the Lord to get you through the times when you want to quit. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Did any of you take a drive and have a conversation with God at a very difficult moment?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>My husband spent a night in a hotel room within the first, probably, couple of months\u2014and called me from the hotel and said, \u201cI\u2019m not coming home tonight, Gayla; and I\u2019m not sure I\u2019m coming home again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt was\u2014that was when we began to recognize these problems were bigger than we realized. We had to figure out how to make it work. Of course, we had already been\u2014both of us had been through divorce, and we didn\u2019t want another divorce. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, where did you turn for help?\u00a0 You\u2019d read Ron Deal\u2019s book, <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>, at that point; right?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Well, and we went to a stepfamily class at a local church. This is why I have such a heart for stepfamily ministry in the church because I believe that class saved our marriage. We became acquainted with other stepfamilies, and began to share stories, and went through literature that helped us get tools for how to work in a stepfamily. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>Isolation is really dangerous\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u2014for a stepfamily. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Gayla: <\/strong>Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>It is. And in particular, the stepmom\u2014which is why we\u2019ve formed these stepmom retreats that the three of us do together, along with two other ladies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, tell our listeners about this because this just happened in the last year that you\u2019ve started getting together with other stepmoms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>Yes, we\u2019ve formed a ministry called Sisterhood of Stepmoms. You can find it at SisterhoodofStepmoms.com. We do two retreats a year in different cities. It is a Friday night through Sunday morning. Stepmoms, from all over the place, come to these retreats; and we just love on them. <br>\u00a0\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut mostly, what we do is\u2014we help them to connect with other stepmoms so that isolation\u2014Dennis, that you mentioned\u2014so that there is some connection there. So, they\u2019re feeling: \u201cI\u2019m not alone. I\u2019m not going crazy. All that I\u2019m thinking and experiencing is normal.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe have a clip where we have the men share how they are thinking and feeling. So, they hear from the husbands via video. That way, they know: \u201cYou know what?\u00a0 This is just what stepfamily life is. These are the coping tools I have now to take back home.\u201d\u00a0 We have so many husbands that contact us and go, \u201cI don\u2019t know what you told my wife at that retreat, but she can go every year.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Did you ever have a dark night like Dennis described, early in your marriage, where you thought, \u201cI don\u2019t know that this is going to work\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>I had more than a dark night. There were\u2014in that first year\u2014now, I have to preface that by saying, \u201cI got remarried too quickly.\u201d\u00a0 My first husband had had an affair, and our marriage was over. He did not want to try to work on that, and I remarried within a year of my divorce. So, part of this was I was trying to keep my head above water in my grief, while, at the same time, I\u2019m coping with all of these stepfamily issues. So, part of it was that I had just not properly grieved the death of my first marriage. That is crucial to mention. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut yes, I\u2014within the first year, I really thought: \u201cI love this man, and I know he loves me; but this is not what I bargained for. I am only 30 years old. I am not going to live the rest of my life in this chaos.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>So, why didn\u2019t it spin out for you?\u00a0 How did you guys hold it together?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>I really had to be the one to take the bull by the horns because the majority of the issues, really, were my own. I, individually, went and started getting some counseling and getting some help. That\u2019s when I started dealing with some of my childhood issues because, again, I was dealing with one more trauma\u2014one more pain\u2014in my life. Those root things really had to be dealt with before we could even deal with the marital issues. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe better I got, emotionally, and more emotionally stable I became, the more I was able to come back to my husband and, then, talk to him in a <em>rational<\/em> manner rather than a crazy manner about the things he and I needed to work on. Fortunately, my husband was very teachable. He loved me very much, and he did not want the marriage to end. That was the important factor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Heather, did you ever think, \u201cI don\u2019t know that this second marriage is going to make it\u201d?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Absolutely, I can still recall\u2014I remember I used to go upstairs in the bathroom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s where I do a lot of praying and crying out. I remember one night\u2014I was just on my hands and knees. I was crying to the Lord: \u201cGod, I can\u2019t do this anymore. I can\u2019t do this. It hurts too much. I\u2019m trying, and trying, and trying. I\u2019m trying to help these girls get through their pain. I can\u2019t do this anymore.\u201d\u00a0 I felt like God whispered to me: \u201cYou can\u2019t Heather, but I can. I can do this for you.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just felt like I was putting that\u2014He was like: \u201cI\u2019m calling you to trust Me. I\u2019m calling you to trust Me in this situation.\u201d\u00a0 I just lay there. I was like: \u201cYou know what, Heather?\u00a0 You\u2019ve been trying to do this on your own.\u201d\u00a0 Even though I was going to church, and I was praying regularly, and we were having a godly marriage, I was not giving it to God. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>You\u2019ve got to dig down deep into who Jesus Christ is\u2014make Him your master, find out what He taught, and ask Him to work that out in your own soul in the power of the Holy Spirit, whom you have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob: <\/strong>And I just have to know\u2014what happened differently from then on. I mean, how did you rely on the strength of Christ rather than on your own strength?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Laura: <\/strong>And share that sentence that you said the Holy Spirit shared with you\u2014that you didn\u2019t create the wound\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Well, I was trying to basically over-love my stepdaughters. They were just in a lot of pain of not having their mom. I felt like God saying: \u201cHeather, you didn\u2019t put that hole in their heart. You can\u2019t fill it. Only I can.\u201d\u00a0 God is a God of redemption and restoration. I remember thinking, too, that: \u201cEven though my marriage felt so unlike the day we said, \u2018I do,\u2019 I knew that God could restore anything.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy husband did not want to see me in pain. That\u2019s what\u2019s difficult for a husband\u2014is when he sees his wife, whom he loves, and his child, whom he loves, against each other \/ causing conflict in the house\u2014that is so difficult for a man. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd I remember going to my husband\u2014because, even at this darkest time, I was still praying every day. We were praying before bed. I mean, I was doing everything I should do. And when I went to him and we talked\u2014and I remember the next day\u2014he handed me a blue Sharpie<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> \/ and he had a black one. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHe goes: \u201cHeather, we have to be intentional. Every morning, we have to wake up and say: \u2018I do. I give this over to Christ.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 So, we have a wall covered in \u201cI do\u2019s,\u201d\u2014mine are blue, and his are black. [Laughter]\u00a0 We have to be <em>intentional<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd there are times, where I find myself wanting to lose it again. There are times when I do lose it. I have to go in the bathroom and say: \u201cGod, where are you?\u00a0 You need to fill me because, right now, I am filling myself with my own thoughts, with my own anger, with my own\u2014and I need You to fill me.\u201d\u00a0 If I am still, and I am quiet, and I allow God to fill me, He will. It just makes a huge difference. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Just kind of a funny story\u2014I remember, one time\u2014you know, we\u2019ve got eight people; right?\u00a0 So, someone had to use our bathroom. They are like, \u201cMom, there is Sharpie on your wall,\u201d [Laughter] you know, because\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>\u201cMom and Dad are writing on the wall.\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \u201cThis thing is falling off the cliff!\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>And I told\u2014she said: \u201cWhat is this, \u2018I do\u2019?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you remember your vows?\u00a0 Are you guys in trouble?\u201d\u00a0 [Laughter]\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cSomeday, you guys will get it, but we have to be intentional about loving each other and being Christ-like.\u201d That\u2019s just the truth of it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>The psalmist said, \u201cUnless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.\u201d\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Heather: <\/strong>Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis: <\/strong>This thing called marriage, whether it\u2019s blended or more traditional marriage, can\u2019t be done in the power of the flesh\u2014and certainly, a blended family\u2014I mean, the challenges are multiplied in that relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and we\u2019ve said, over and over again, how important it is to have allies\u2014to have people who you can share all of this with\u2014folks you know \/ maybe folks who have been through some of what you are going through\u2014who can help provide wisdom and counsel. And then, resources like the book, Laura, that you have written\u2014<em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom<\/em>. It\u2019s a book we\u2019ve got in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Listeners can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can order a copy of Laura\u2019s book, <em>101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou\u2019ll also find information about the upcoming <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> summit. This is an event we\u2019re hosting in Washington, DC, Thursday night, October 2<sup>nd<\/sup> \/ all day on Friday, October 3<sup>rd<\/sup>. This is for people who are\u2014either currently involved in doing ministry to stepfamilies or if you or your church are interested in developing an effective stepfamily ministry\u2014this would be a great event for you to attend. Find out more when you go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link at the top of the page that says, \u201cGO DEEPER.\u201d The information about the <em>Blended and Blessed<\/em> summit is available there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon Deal will be leading that. I\u2019ll be there. Dennis, you\u2019re going to be there\u2014a number of other speakers, who are going to be in attendance that day. We hope a lot of folks will come out and join us. It\u2019s the day before the <em>I Still Do<\/em><em><sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/em> event in Washington, DC, at the Verizon Center. So, great opportunity for folks to come in and stay with us through the weekend\u2014and come to <em>I Still Do<\/em> as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, we talk about the unique challenges that are facing stepfamilies. Our goal here, at FamilyLife, is to see every home be a godly home. We appreciate those of you who share that vision with us. When you make a donation, right now, we\u2019d like to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a calendar for the year 2015. It actually starts in October. So, you can go ahead and get it now and put it up in the kitchen or wherever else you like to hang a calendar. The calendar focuses on the fruit of the Spirit. Our goal is for you to have a Spirit-filled year as we keep pointing you back to how you can live with love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and all that is wrapped up in the fruit of the Spirit through this calendar. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Go to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, where it says, \u201cI Care\u201d; and you make an online donation. We\u2019ll send the calendar to you. Or request the calendar when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation over the phone. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou can also request the calendar when you mail a check to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> at P O Box 7111, Little Rock, AR. Our zip code is 72223. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, when we come back tomorrow, we\u2019re going to continue our conversation with our panel of stepmoms who are joining us this week. I hope you can tune in for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelp for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2014 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/303199","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=303199"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=303199"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=303199"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=303199"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=303199"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=303199"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=303199"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}